Monday, August 31, 2009

When did John Wayne Gacy get a Record Deal?

Yet another compilation of Worst Album Covers on a tip from Racerboy



Best of Matt the K
The guys in the art department either couldn't --or wouldn't--get his full name, "Mr. Bat-Shit-Crazy" to fit on the album cover.

Best of prince of leaves
After parents objected, the label was forced to airbrush the giant carving knife out of his upraised hand.

Best of prince of leaves
Joe Biden secretly snickered at the Obama "Joker" poster, until he saw the version featuring his own face.

Best of dadoctah
"Mr Takei, your pony is ready."

Best of Rodney Dill
There is no cake, there is no ice cream, happy birthday

Best of Silhouette
The newly appointed Death Czar tried to lighten things up a little, but no one was fooled.

Best of Submariner
No matter how the administration spins it, I will never be in favor of their "death Panels."

Best of molson
Mr. Bat's self-titled debut album, "Mr. Bat Sings" was followed up by the even more brilliant "Mr. Bat Clubs a Baby Seal".

Best of dadoctah
The album sales were disappointing, but they really cleaned up on the lunchboxes.

Zombies for ChappiquidiCare

Gateway Pundit
1. "What do we want?"
"Free Health Care!"
"When do we want it?"
"Free Health Care!"

2. The years have not been kind to Axl Rose.

3. Noting his shirt read "LoverCrat," the ladies gave Ed Begley Jr. a wide berth.

4. Topher Grace was delighted to appear in the That 70's Show 50 Year Reunion Special.

5. "Kh-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-n!"

Mystery Machine Best of prince of leaves
"And I would have gotten away with socialized medicine if it hadn't been for you meddling tea partiers!"

Best of GregMan
"You kids get out of my pot farm!"

Best of Matt the K
What a long, strange trip to the bathroom its been.

Best of John.....just John
(ORA)
"We like Roy. We like Roy."

Best of dadoctah
Moonshadow emerges from the porta-potty at Bethel, wondering where everybody went, and asking if Jimi has been onstage yet.

Best of molson
What do we want?... A change of pants! When do we want it?... Yesterday!

Best of Jay Guevara
"US out of San Juan Hill!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"MAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTLOOOOOOOCK!"

Best of Whacko
"You teen-age punks don't scare me! Why, I've got pieces of kids like you in my stools!"

Best of Jay Guevara
The core audience demographic turned out to protest cancellation of 60 Minutes.

King Jesse and the Wardrobe Malfunction...

Brender

1. ... would be a great name for a punk rock band.

2. "2 shots and a splash! Get it? C'mon, lighten up, Daddy-O."

3. In the midst of the interview, Joan Rivers spontaneously combusted. Leaving behind only a scorched wig.

4. "... and then I did a cartwheel and snapped 007's neck with my powerful thighs. How was your day?"

5. "Sorry, I'm already engaged to Morgan Freeman."

Best of metalgarth
"Inner City High School Girls in Trouble" A Samuel L. Bronkowitz production

Best of GregMan
"I was looking for de white women, but you'll do."

Best of satted
Don't worry doll, we are all dressed up in these ceremonial cloths, so no one will think anything is weird.

Best of Matt the K
Its good to be the King of the welfare pimps.

Best of Unscrupulous
Oily chick, 'Do you want some action?'
Jesse, 'Affirmative.'"

Best of dadoctah
I hate it when a good movie franchise stops trying. Case in point: "Shaft Tries For An Ambassadorship".

Best of steve o
"Hey buddy!
My tits are down here!!"

Best of ochagirl
Guess that magazine: Playboy, National Geographic, Ebony, or Time.

Best of Rodney Dill
In and Out of Africa

Best of metalgarth
Dear "Black 'uns" magazine....

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Illegal Use of Hands

Fred Miranda

1. (High squeaky voice) "Put me down! Put me down!"

2. "It's real, all right. And it is spectacular!"

3. "Hey! You really are Jewish!"

4. It took Billy some time to adjust after the spending summer vacation at Dad and Uncle Earl's bungalow on Fire Island.

5. Since there was no rule against "fisting the receiver," no penalty was called on the play.

Emergency Exit From the Circus Plane

Awkward Family Photos on a tip from Div. Miss M


1. Deemed too young and too fat, respectively, to contribute to the social order, two more are tossed onto the ObamaCare Rejection Chute.

2. "Mom! Look what we picked up at the Neverland Ranch estate sale! And we got a case of Jesus Juice in the minivan!"

3. Proving that vertical stripes are not just slimming, but often gaying.

4. If I recall the rules of chutes and ladders properly, don't you have to do something "naughty" before you slide down a chute?

5. King's Island's new attraction... Obama's Approval Ratings... is not for the weak of stomach.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Trendy Trendies on the Sceney Scene


1. "I'll Have a Kennedy Brothers Cocktail over here: Two shots and a Splash!"

2. "The bar looks pretty crowded, but I think I can find seating for four if I turn over a stool."

3. "Welcome to Club Gender Confusion. My name is Ariel, I'll be your submissive bitch-boy for the evening."

4. At age 62, David Bowie finally grew the butch mustache of his dreams.

5. "Starchild, don't look behind you, but one of those tea-party weirdos is pointing at your head."

Best of Army of Dad
The Pinstriped Prince of Pole.

Best of GregMan
"Hey Joe, is this the guy you think looks gay? THIS GUY RIGHT HERE??? WITH THE ASIAN BROAD?!?"
Subtlety was never Ray's strong suit.

Best of GregMan
Army Of Mom and Army Of Dad could never go anywhere in public without their fans recognizing them.

Best of dadoctah
Gesturing frantically, Shaggy couldn't get Scooby to notice that a strange transformation had taken hold of Fred and Velma.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Dazed and Confused. Very confused.

Best of Double the U
The Wang Chung reunion tour seems to be doing well.

Best of Viking04
I didn't get a Harrumph out of that fairy over there.

Best of Matt the K
Dude, here's that Dangle kid from my gym class--says he wants to be a cop...Like that'll ever happen.

Hello Kitties

Brender
1. "C'mon guys. No one wants to be Peter Criss. Not even Peter Criss."

2. "I'm feeling more comfortable with my gender confusion. Let's go vandalize a Democrat office."

3. "Do we look like a bunch of pussies to you?"

4. "Props for thinking outside the box, guys. But isn't there something inherently contradictory in the concept of an LOLMIME Troop?"

5. If those guys show up on my back porch again, they're getting the hose.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Hippie Air Freshener

Sondra K

1. The National Science Foundation got a $400,000 Stimulus grant to study the effects of hippie breath on tiny pine trees.

2. Chakra's friends thought it was hilarious to put her in this get-up, give her five hits of acid, and tell her the the Triffids were attacking.

3. Chakra would just have to cover up the stupid Maori warrior tattoo until she could afford laser surgery.

4. CAMOUFLAGE: OMG ARE U EVAH DOING IT WRONG.

5. Even when they built a balcony and an herb garden, Chakra still refused to get her head lice treated.

Best of dadoctah
"Hold still a second. You got some spinach or something in your braces."

Best of Jack Reacher
No, dear, medical marijuana is not for topical use.

Best of molson
Nope. Doesn't work. Seattle stills smells like hippie ass.

Best of blue
Julie joined "Lesbians for Bush", but misunderstood the concept

Best of Submariner
In season 2, Wilson introduced Tim to his daughter.

Best of Unscrupulous
Starbright finally arrived at a contraption that made her carbon footprint lower than her IQ.

Best of jj
Verrrry interesting....

Best of Army of Dad
"I, for one, welcome our bamboo overlords!"

Best of Army of Dad
Darth Taragon just isn't very scary.

Best of Adjustah
The Hanson brothers went to great lengths to achieve anonymity.

Alert Greenpeace


1. "You know what this waterpark needs? An all-you-can-eat buffet. Of course, I say the same thing about the bowling alley, and the library, and church..."

2. "This is my fluffer? Damm, I hate working low-budget pron."

3. "Cthulu is really going to town on the kiddie pool."

4. Lounging at the shallow end of the gene pool.

5. "The water rejects her! W-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t-c-h!"

Best of Rodney Dill
From the upcoming Week-end At Teddies -- "Hey Earl, Ya gotta up the water pressure if you're gonna get Senator Kennedy down the slide again."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Well I guess a wide Latina didn't make a better choice this time."

Best of Unscrupulous
"Hey lady, a couple kids say there's a rotting whale corpse near the lube-n-tube. You haven't seen it have ya?"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Todd & Monique don't move too quickly when they see a lifeguard carrying their two boys andscreaming "Who the hell owns these kids?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Daddy, what's a fashion faux pas?

Best of Rufus

I done founds me one of dem white women

Best of metalgarth
The photoshopped squirrel pictures were kind of cute. But these new walrus pics aren't all that good

Best of Army of Dad
So nice to see Mrs. Sprat get out now and then.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Hey! How come the water level suddenly rises, and then drops?"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Sylvia tries to look non-chalant as she pees in the pool.

Best of dadoctah
Just what I look for in a beach date: a chick who affects the tides.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

So Very Wrong, So Very, Very Wrong

Justin Thyme

1. Bad Idea #413: Girls Gone Wild filming at Rosie O'Donnell's Private Beach in the Hamptons.

2. Some people didn't take the end of the cash for clunkers program very well.

3. After years of steroid abuse, Worlds-of-Warcraft-Hissyfit-Kid snaps again.

4. Career State Deparment employees fondly recall Madeleine Albright's passion for moshing.

5. " I am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies."

Best of Matt the K
"Does this extra tit make me look fat?"

Best of metalgarth
No... You're not the Juggernaut. You're the Blob.

Best of blue
give me back my man-bra!!!!!

Best of dadoctah
Jabba the Hutt: freshman year.

Best of jeff
Nobody was sure if it was man or woman. Everyone was sure they wanted to get out of it's way.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"When LAP-BAND® Surgery Fails" A tell-tale snapping sound is followed by dramatic epidermal undulations that can last for several hours, much like seismic aftershocks.

Best of molson
Did somebody say chocolate covered deep fried pork rinds with with extra cheese? Outta my way you ectomorphic pansies, I'm coming through.

Best of Adjustah
Han, mah bukee, keel-ee caleya ku kah. Wonkee chee sa crispa con Greedo?

Best of steve o
Although relatively slow, Jimbob could still make tackles since nobody really knew in what direction he was moving until it was too late.

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Bags fly free. No need to have them surgically implanted.

Best of jj
A younger Ted Kennedy reacts to hearing the words "last call".

Best of Rodney Dill
"SERENITY NOW!!!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yes, they're real, and they're ...uh ....uh....disgusting."

This is pretty wee wee'd up right here

Brender

1. Ang Lee's 9 1/2 Weeks.

2. If these are the only interrogation techniques approved by the Obama regime, I think we can kiss the Sears Tower goodbye.

3. Congressman Frank was not pleased. "I dithtinctly requethted younger and covered in baby oil."

4. "My thoughts to your thoughts, my watermelon to your... nostril."

5. Mom and Dad raised the twins to believe that it was normal to eat lunch naked, blindfolded, and feeding each other. Mom and Dad were sick intercourses.

Best of Mr. Hankey
...and when Larry announced "It's a Uninal Cake", Charlie blew chunks.

Best of GregMan
We've replaced Bruce's piece of watermelon with human bone marrow. Let's see if he notices.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In New Guinea, "Death by Watermelon" is quite popular with female tourists. As Raoul executes the famous Nostril Jam, a desperate Patpoi fouls out attempting the illegal carotid artery squeeze gambit.

Best of dadoctah
So this is what Thanksgiving looks like in the Pitt-Jolie household.

Best of Matt the K
Ahhh, Daniel-san, I see you have felt your way to my homodojo. You have much to learn, ass-hopper.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Nips

Army of Mom

1. "Like this shirt? It's my favorite color: Chalk-faced-whore white."

2. "Why is everyone screaming 'Get to the Choppah!'?

3. "Welcome to Riza, Lt. Worf. We trust your shuttle ride was pleasant?"

4. Not so much "Daisy Duke" as "Marmaduke."

5. M'Chel wonders. "Am I really good at chess? Or do people just let me win 'cos they're afraid I'll rip their arms off if I lose."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Michelle waits for her theme music to start before she deplanes...."she's a Brick....House...She's mighty mighty.."

Best of GregMan
Even the Klingon Empire has casual Fridays.

Best of blue
No wonder Barack spends quality time with Barney Frank

Best of dadoctah
In related news, Sir Mix-A-Lot celebrated his 46th birthday two weeks ago.

Best of molson
Queen LaQueefa.

Best of metalgarth
"Blackenstien Terrorizes the Air Force... Film @ 11"

Best of mpur
The guy on the left is silently thanking God that he was trained and expected to to keep his eyes front.

Best of jbinnout
Must have had the AC on high on Air Force One.

Best of mega
Unfortunately, yankin' Barack's pud for 25 years while he prattled about making the seas rise and all that shit, left M'Chelle with a permanent hand-extended-in-handjob-position-above-crotch deformity.

King of the World, Ma

Brender
1. Jesse mused. "Usually, I only get treated like this by the American news media."

2. "And then, the Loch Ness monster asked me for tree-fitty."

3. "Jesse, M'Chel needs that tablecloth to make another inaugural gown."

4. King of the welfare pimps walks among his loyal subjects.

5. "I'm wearing this thing...It means I'm the king... so let, uh, freedom sing ... and... somebody bring me a bucket of wings..." (ATDHE)

Best of Mr. Hankey
...and now we will open the Ark of the Covenant.

Best of Unscrupulous
After sporting the traditional Gown of the Great Feast, Jesse was tossed into a pot and boiled.
We wish.

Best of Silhouette
Just be glad we didn't see the pictures of the swimsuit competition.

Best of Jack Reacher
"What am I bid for Andrew Sullivan's rectal thermometer?"

Best of metalgarth
Welfare Recipients, Negroes and Acorn Members, lend me your ears.

Best of Matt the K
And then with gracious reverence, the citizens of the Republic of Wumbonga presented Chief Jackson with the the plunger to the nation's one and only toilet.

Best of molson
I crapped in a bucket today. Go me!

Best of Rodney Dill
"We will take back Livonia"

Best of GregMan
"Look what I got at Old Navy!"

Best of mega
This is why it would've been good to make sure there were still some Gap stores while new Abercrombies spread out over the suburban landscape.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Well, Slap my Butt and Lick my Pitchfork

Brender

1. "Mom... Dad... I'd like you to meet your future son-in-law..."

2. "Folsom Street Fair? No son, this is the tea-party protest outside Nazi Pelosi's office. You should leave now before you get your ass kicked."

3. ORA: Before turning up on the island, Richard Alpert had some pretty wild fraternity days.

4. Some people cite the use of the obscure villain 'Cannibal Rmjob' as the reason Ang Lee's Batman movie was a disappointment relative to the others.

5. "Ha! Got that zombie right in the groin with my pitchfork."

Best of mega
Memo to Ed Norton: next time, Read. The. Script.

Best of Double the U
Dude! Give it a rest... you have been shouting "BLA!!" for the past ten blocks.

Best of metalgarth
Why must you always use Strawmen in your debates?

Best of Cybrludite
Bob learns a little too late that tribal tats are on longer considered the in thing to do.

Best of sonicfrog
First it was the lame Microsoft commercials, now this? Man, Seinfeld's career is imploding even worse than Kyle MacLaclan's did, if that's possible.

Best of molson
Ack! Thpppppppttt!

Best of Submariner
Paul Atrides usually made fun of his less worthy opponents, whether knife-fighting or just bludgeoning them with broom handles.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A bit of NSFW from, of all places, Shorpy


Ward Cleaver

1. "Hey, do I stare at you while you eat lunch? Sod off!"

2. Dick Cheney's snarl was formed at an early age. While breastfeeding, he'd tell his dad to "Back the f--- off."

3. Hugh Hefner would come to regret hiring Dorothea Lange.

4. "Tell me again about the titties, George."

5. And of course...


Friday, August 21, 2009

Even Cloned Armies Like Puppies.


1. "Someone tell Mr. Cheney his lunch is here."

2. "Then, you just sort of twist the neck until it snaps... drives the PETA a$$holes nuts."

3. "Thank you.. that makes 101. M'Chel doesn't go for spots, she thinks black is beautiful."

4. "Thank you, we'll take him directly to the Korean restaur... I mean, certified PETA no-kill shelter."

5. "Hey, just because we're from Enumclaw doesn't mean we're gonna f--k your dog. On a completely unrelated note, got any duct tape?"

Best of metalgarth
"He's the best bounty hunter in the entire Sirius sytem"

Best of Dactyl
Darth Fluffy was less imposing than some of his predecessors, but he could still force-choke the hell out of the mailman.

Best of Matt the K
Somehow, "Stormpuppies" just doesn't sound menacing enough.

Best of molson
Yeah well I'm wearing a hard plastic cod piece because he bites. Last night he clamped on my gurn with those razor sharp puppy teeth and I got to tell you I saw death stars.

Best of dadoctah
"Your damn Wookiee gave little Skippy here fleas!"

Best of Silhouette
"Excuse me, where can I find the Storm Trooper Pooper Scoopers?"

The Magic of Teh Blue Screen



1. The Taco Bell Chihuahua ends up in the worst sort of Doggy Hell.

2. In case you've ever wondered what Return of the Jedi would have looked like directed by Federico Fellini.

3. "Hey! That's no Sarlaac! That's Richard Gere's anus!"

4. "All right... we're totally gonna catch the Chuck Wagon this time!"

5. Someone needs to smack Ronald D Moore upside the head and tell him to stop reimagining things!

Best of Rodney Dill
It can do the Kennel runs in 12 parsecs

Best of SamEyeAm
On second thought, the prequels did suck.

Best of metalgarth
"Damn those f--king Endor Hippie Environmentalists. Lower Carbon Footprint my ass"

Best of molson
F*ck. I hate these new speeders. They have such low ground clearance they keep getting stuck in the mud. Plus, they chew up my slippers, crap all over the lawn, and won't stop humping my leg.

Best of dadoctah
Because of a glitch in a pattern-recognition module, the most popular Net-Nanny software automatically tags this picture as porn/bestiality.

Amazing Trompe de L'Oeil (or Somethin', I don't know)


1. "You killed your mother and stuffed her dismembered corpse in the dryer? Why that's... well, we are minions of the Dark Side, so maybe I can't technically bitch about that."

2. "Good Lord! You mixed whites with fine washables? What were you, cloned in a barn?"

3. Later, Old Yeller had to be put down. It took an entire squad and over 270 separate blaster shots.

4. "Mom, stop staring at my butt!"

5. TV reception on the Death Star was so bad, Lord Vader was reduced to having his troopers act out episodes of Married... with Children for his amusement.

Best of Unscrupulous
Damn, this fabric softener is worthless. You're mother is as hard a bitch as ever.

Best of GregMan
"Your lack of fabric softener disturbs me."

Best of blue
Mom, can the dog go in the robotic converter next?

Best of metalgarth
"Home Economics 101" was generally a washout course at the Imperial Military Acadamey

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Nuns Just Use a Ruler

Brender

1. Sanjay's treatment had a 90% success rates with curing compulsive masturbators.

2. "But how will we get jobs in technical support now?"

3. The state of Punjab would come to regret enacting a new welfare subsidy for disabled children.

4. The sound of tiny phalanges cracking secretly delighted Sanjay.

5. "But how will we submit captions now?"

Best of The Man
"But how will we do jazz hands now?"

Best of Double the U
Rumble strips... you're doing it wrong!

Best of Army of Dad
Slumdog Childcare.

Best of Army of Dad
The wheels on the bike go round and round....the fingers and the hands go snap snap snap, snap snap snap.

Best of Jack Reacher
"What if we promise not to speak out again at a town hall meeting?"

Best of Unscrupulous
Wow, even their streets are hand-crafted.

Best of mega
Obama turned the throttle slowly. "This takes care of the right-wing Bloggers, but I still need that Fairness Doctrine to shut down the radio."

Best of Matt the K
That's nothing, you should see how they drive on the eunuchs!

Best of Rodney Dill
The real tough guys waited for the cycle equipped for ice racing...

The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.



1. There actually was a dog on the S.S. Minnow, but... well, protein was pretty scarce on that island.

2. Lila was beginning to think it would be much less hassle just to get the dog spayed.

3. Sarah Palin sighed, "Rex, sometimes it feels like your the only real friend I have." Rex, meanwhile, was negotiating a six figure deal to dish dirt in his memoirs.

4. "You know, Rex, I'm beginning to think our shifty Democrat congressman didn't really schedule a townhall for 5:30 in the morning on the beach."

5. Rex thought relocation to Bermuda as part of his witness protection deal for testifying against Michael Vick was a pretty sweet ride. Until the Uighurs moved in next door and ate him.



Best of Tim
some of Chtulhu followers had more fashion sense than the others

Best of Adriane
Johnathan Livingston Beagle ...

Best of Jack Reacher
Sharon was nervous when she noticed the sight of her dog on the beach caused a dozen Chinese men to leap for joy.

Best of Matt the K
Yeah, you're right Rex, those scenes in the movies where someone just keeps walking into the water until they drown is total bullshit...Now let's go find a bridge, boy!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The x-rated version of the famous Lancaster/Kerr scene in From Here To Eternity was nasty.

Best of Submariner
Just more jetsam, boy. Why can't I ever find a sailor that fell from grace with the sea?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Hair and Space Museum


1. "Mom, tell us again about your night of passion with A Flock of Seagulls"

2. The Got Bad Hair T-shirt wasn't really necessary.

3. "Nice ship. So, were you gray dudes gonna get to the probing any time soon? Please? "

4. "The crypto guys have checked and double-checked, and there's no question but that the message reads: 'Mars needs women... but we're not quite that desperate.'"

5. Colonel Tigh growled, "You may not be cylons, but you are freaks. Get in the airlock, gods damn you!"


Babylon Best of GregMan
ORA: A young Ambassador Londo Mollari (lower right) poses for a family portrait.

Best of Double the U
Mom you are so embarrassing, I can't believe you were holding your penis in that picture.

Best of Rodney Dill
Know your ObamaCare health professionals.

Best of Army of Dad
After delivering those two, wouldn't you be clutching your womb?

Best of Submariner
Winkin, Blinkin and WhatTheF**k

Best of Mr. Hankey
..and for our next backdrop, let's switch to an empty apartment with a life of loneliness.

Best of ochagirl
Album cover for the heavy metal version of Blue Moon, with Adonis on guitar, Kelly on keyboard, and Mom on drums.

Best of prince of leaves
Ronald D. Moore's reimagining of the Munsters as a single-mother vampire alien family marooned on Earth in the late 1980s was not as successful as his do-over of Battlestar Galactica.

Best of molson
Let me guess... Your trailer is located under the high tension lines.

Best of Rodney Dill
National Lampoon's Alpha Centauri Vacation...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Munsters, hands down winner of Olan Mills' 2008 holiday office party contest for Most Pathetic Family Portrait.

Best of mega
The *real* reason Gates frieked out when that cop tried to gain entry to the family room.

We Got Spirit, So Do We!

Brender


1. Barney Frank's Beach Blanket Review was the hottest ticket on Fire Island this summer.

2. "Can't I go anywhere in peace?" Kobe sighed.

3. "No, no, no, you silly goose, I said I wanted ice cream sandwiches, not rice queen sand bitches..."

4. The Vietnamese are playing beach volleyball in three inches of snow in August ... tell me global warming isn't BS.

5. This time, the Empire did it right and used Jackie Chan as the basis for their clone armies.

Best of dadoctah
"Takei! The Musical"

Best of Army of Mom
Khan: The Musical

Best of Submariner
I'm really good at Charades:
"Winter!"
Oh c'mon - that's a little nip in the air if I've ever seen one.

Best of dadoctah
Jon and Kate, plus eight. Minus Kate.

Best of mega
Napolitano's new four-inch tall border fence did not provide the desired deterrent effect.

Best of molson
What? Now they have an anti-gravity Speedo? Didn't they learn from the colossal failure that was the anti-gravity jock strap?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Kim Jung Il's troops unquestioningly accepted his divine strategy for the upcoming assault on the DMZ.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Don't Let the Union Roll Over on You

I Own The World on a Tip from Rob S.


1. "Putting Hardee's on speed-dial was the smartest move I ever made."

2. Big Earl's job was save seats at the "townhall"... five or six rows of seats.

3. If card check passes, this guy will be waiting your table the next time you eat at 'Hooters.'

4. 'That sick intercourse. What's he gonna find to put on his blog that's more disgusting than two naked end-of-lifers."

5. "Think I'll call Sheila Jackson-Lee and see what she's up to."

Best of The Man
That belt needs a union...it is really overworked

Best of Army of Dad
dub checks to see if he made any Best Ofs while waiting for his townhall to start.

Best of dub
Its not too surprising to see that Big Earl has several smaller union members orbiting around him.

Best of metalgarth
"I'm a big union slob tough guy and I want a big cereal!"

Best of metalgarth
Members of the Hutt species are always involved in organized crime, no matter what galaxy they live in.

Best of steve o
Carl brings some gravity to the protest.

Best of molson
I can haz one healthcare and super-size it.

Best of prince of leaves
"Dear Unionhall: I never thought this would happen to me..."

Best of mega
Bob banged out the text message quickly. "Conservatives at this town hall are dressed badly."

Best of Dactyl
prior to the 2029 season, Brett Favre again waits to be talked out of retiring.

Best of Submariner
A Vogon drafting poetry is only slightly less repulsive than one reciting it.

Best of dadoctah
Newest iPhone app: Krispy Kreme proximity detector.

Sotomayor Eat Stevens

K is P

1. "Sore jaw, huh? So, how is President Clinton these days?"

2. A hopelessly senile John Paul Stevens hand Sotomayor a can of Pledge and warns, "I'll be watching you around the silver, comprende amigo?"

3. It was a nice attempt, but Ruth Bader Ginsburg still won the SCOTUS belching competition.

4. A nervous Michael Moore punched an aide. "Keep her away from my taquitos!"

5. "When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty John Paul Stevens head, I get the sensation of being a Wise Progressive Latina ready to force my socialist, racial agenda on those stupid crackers I hate so much."


Best of John.....just John
Have you ever seen a uvula as beautiful as mine? Go on, look!

Best of GregMan
People's Justice Sodomajor prepares to eat the constitution.

Best of Army of Dad
"BRAAAINS!" Zombie supreme court judges can serve forever!

Best of metalgarth
"Yo soy la juggernaut, perra!!!"

Best of dadoctah
Front-row seats at the "Yma Sumac Experience".

Best of Mr. Hankey
Here's venom In Your eye

Best of mpur
And the Slitheen take-over of our government continues...

Best of molson
A scene from the soon to be released Alien 5. The Constitutional Nightmare begins.

Best of prince of leaves
"Needs more practice," Hillary sniffed. "She'll never get all of the lifeforce out of them until she learns to properly disjoint her mandible before striking."

Best of prince of leaves
Without his good glasses, Justice Stevens was baffled. "Where is that sound coming from? We're nowhere near the ocean..."

Best of Dactyl
Participation in the Puerto Rican Yodeling Club made Sonia a well-rounded judge. Senators like that.

Best of steve o
Our new Justice almost forgets the first rule of human domination: Never let them see you eat.

Best of Rodney Dill
Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Rethinking my views on Death Panels


1. I don't care whether Der Kommissarr is in town or not, DON'T TURN AROUND!

2. Dick Cheney and Barbara Bush... N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!

3. Jack and Kate ended up stuck on the island for a very, very long time.

4. "Oh, just ignore those screams, Gertie. That's just 400 Cap This regulars stabbing their eyes out with screwdrivers."

5. "Don't be ridiculous, Ethel. There's nothing watching us through the bushes. Now, let's just enjoy our nude vacation on Isla Nublar.

Best of Double the U
As you get in your senior years two things can happen, you start to forget or you just don't care.
Sometimes both.

Best of dub
I dont know what I want to do first.....throw up, or iron everything I own.

Best of dadoctah
Eventually, once the novelty wore off, Demi dumped Ashton and went back to Bruce.

Best of DaveP.
What's the most serious problem facing nude beaches? Lack of quality control.

Best of blue
The end-of-life-czar should vote no on these 2

Best of Adriane
Cocoon (2009): Unclothed and uncut!

Best of Rodney Dill
Imhotep has sucked the life out of too more victims.

Best of Mr. Hankey
I liked it better when Cialis had them sitting in bathtubs on the beach...

Best of Army of Dad
Bob and Ethel share one last moment while waiting for the mega tsunami.

Best of Submariner
After the first couple of seasons at Lake Placid, Betty White had to get much more creative to feed her pet...

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Chunkytown

Brender


1. Scientist registered a Magnitude 4.5 earthquake near Shanghai earlier today.

2. Wang can't seem to outrun his horrific bodily funk.

3. Wait a minute, Ming Lee thought. Thanks to the one-child policy, boys outnumber girls 3 to 1 in our culture. What am *I* worried about my weight for?

4. Auditions to be the Chinese Canpbell's Soup Kids were highly competitive.

5. A young Sun taunts Jin on the track, "Looks like you Lost again!"

Best of dub
First one to cross the line gets to come back on Thursday.

Best of mpur
Wang was pretty proud of himself for barely beating the girl...until he noticed she only had one leg.

Best of mega
Hsu's partial missing leg didn't go over real big with the new Efficient Health Comparative Analysis & Euthanasia Committee. Fortunately, a few friends offered to pace her as she made a mad dash for the Canadian border, ahead of the "physicians" from the local "Life Choices" clinic offering to "assist" her.

Best of tiny racist
I don't know -- I guess all fat Asian kids look the same to me.

Best of Army of Dad
General Tsao's chick.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Kaiser Chief

Jack Bauer, Brender, and K is P


1. Obama celebrates the passage of ObamaCare by personally strangling the first geezer.

2. "Yeah, I toss litter out of my limousine all the time. Waaaah! Waaah! Waaah!"

3. "Whoa, now I see why they call you, um, 'Chief Broken Wind.'"

4. "I am, um, told that you a, um, third nipple. Let me see if I can, um, find it."

5. Um, next time, just let Gallant handle the medal ceremony, OK?

Best of Viking04
Crow fart bad medicine for Great Tan Father

Best of Army of Dad
Reach Around: UR DOING IT WRONG

Best of metalgarth
Carl tries to stop Abe Simpson from starting a Village People tribute band. (Which is actually a better plot than most episodes have had since 1998)

Best of Matt the K
Hus du gezen in deine leiben, they lighter than us. Woof!

Best of The Man
Hackers from China tapped into Obama's teleprompter and replaced his speech with the script from a John Wayne movie.

Best of dadoctah
One of the many disguises John McCain tried to sneak into the White House.

Best of Silhouette
Do you see two Native Americans, or one?

Best of Jenn of the Jungle
This headdress is itchier than Michelle's weave.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Great Cafe au Lait Father speak with forked tongue. And how."

Attack of the Giant Enraged Vajayjay



1. "When you said I'd be working with a giant vagina, I was expecting Keith Olbermann."

2. New public sculpture, your Stimulus dollars at work.

3. "If this 'Scarefag' doesn't keep the queers out of your cornfield, nothing will."

4. Kelly just wanted something to remind her of her years with Rosie.

5. "Tell Larry Flynt his birthday cake is here."

Best of Double the U
You date a liberal woman, things are going pretty good. Then one day she says to you, "Oh lets go downtown and see this exhibit!"

Best of ochagirl
"I hate vaginas, even my own. Blech! I can't stand them, and . . . crud, there's a giant vagina behind me, isn't there?"

Best of Rodney Dill
So, you coming or not?

Best of Rodney Dill
When the fog is really bad around Manhattan, Rosie O'Donnell lends hers out as a foghorn.

Best of racerboy
These kids' slides are REALLY getting out of hand...

Best of Viking04
We secretly switched her regular vinegar and water douche with our Heavy Water Douche. Let's see if she notices...

Best of Jay Guevara
Barney Frank: "What the hell is that thing?"

Best of metalgarth
Not quite appropriate for Big Uns, close, but not quite

Best of Silhouette
Prior to his birth, Michael Moore's mother's womb was regular size.

Best of kg
Code Pink has a new meaning for VJ day

Best of ThisOne
A woman needs a man like a vagina needs a bicycle.

Best of Jay Guevara
It was customary to cover your head when visiting the Shrine to Nancy Pelosi.

Best of Jay Guevara
Report anything fishy to flag@whitehouse.gov.

Best of dadoctah
The Department of Highways realized it had been an error to solicit public input on the new "Slippery When Wet" signs.

Best of mpur
Well, looks like Pelosi finally had one lift too many.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Don't make me angry... you won't like me when I'm angry."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Should Have Stood in Bed...


1. "No... No... Back away... it's so... huge...!"

2. "Take a crap on your pillow? That'll be an extra $50, Governor Spitzer."

3. "Oh, great, another alien abduction."

4. Please, like you've never seen a black man's penis before.

5. "All right, Coach Pitino, but only if you promise to pay for an abortion." Too soon?

Fiddle Dee Dee

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Woman That Can Handle a Big Gun


1. "Hi, I'm ready to negotiate our divorce settlement, now."

2. Hillary's State Department entourage includes a full-time 'Orgasmatron' operator.

3. Worst part about dating "Iron Man," is how he keeps leaving his sex toys around your place.

4. That's no way to kill roaches! Nice rack, though.

5. How nature says, "Bill Maher, keep your liver-spotted hands offa me!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Best of metalgarth
You left your socks on the sofa. See to it that it doesn't happen again

Best of andthenblammo!
The local punks can forget about robbing Edie's Drive-Thru Burgers again!

Best of divine miss m
They can have my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead, exquisitely manicured hand.

Best of mega
McClaskill's new strategy for using aides to manage unruly Town Halls was met with approval at the DNC.

Best of ShoeChick
For the last time, put the toilet seat down when you are done.

Best of blue
The Impreginator came back from the future & found a white women

Palestinian Gas Mask

Sondra K

1. Ahmed made a fortune with his roadside "Farts of the Holy Prophet" concession.

2. Everyone was shocked to learn about M. Night Shalayaman's auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish.

3. The genius who convinced the Palestinians that these bags would protect them from "breathing Zionist air" deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

4. "... and if we retrofit the elderly with these, ObamaCare becomes affordable!"

5. Thought Bubble. A. UR DOIN IT WRONG. B. Since when has a Palestinian had an actual thought?

Best of dub
Douchebag....UR DOIN IT RITE!

Best of dub
First I light up a bowl of my weed...then I fill the bag with the smoke....then I walk around all day breathing the smoke. Seriously, Obama's policy decisions make complete sense this way.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"David Carridine ain't got nothing on me. Now, where de white women at?"

Too soon?

Best of blue
no Abdul, the colonoscopy bag goes on the other end

Best of dadoctah
"OMG! Bag your face, I'm *so* sure!"

Best of jj
Bubble Boy: "Moors"
George: "Moops"

Best of Viking04
Achmed demands the "Genuine Darwin Brand"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Trick or Treat-ing in Iraq. Better give him the treat....

Best of Adriane
I didn't have the heart to tell him that you should only use Jerri Curl bags with actual Jerri Curl ... or with hair longer than your fingernail, for that matter...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A TV TV Reporter


1. Andrew Sullivan was delighted to take the job as Keith Olbermann's "'Man' on the Street.'"

2. They say a wise Latina would make better fashion choices than a white male, but I dunno about that.

3. "El diablo made me do it!" Once again, Carlos Mencia is caught stealing material from more talented comedians.

4. Carmen Electra appears to have suffered the fate of most aging women of her tribe.

5. "No offense taken, honey. 'Smelly pirate hooker' is pretty much what I was going for."

Best of Viking04
Everywhere she went, people claimed to see Bigfoot, but Lateshia never did.

Best of Rodney Dill
You had me at El Chorizo Grande

Best of blue
why black men say "where da white women"

Best of metalgarth
...and she had better ratings than Katie Couric and more credibility than Dan Rather.

Best of molson
No fear my ass. I just shat myself.

Best of Oiao
The SEIU emblem must be on its back.

Best of prince of leaves
Behold: the most unneccesary chastity belt in human history.

Best of GregMan
Man, if this thing's laxative kicks in, the carnage will be unspeakable.

Best of mklasing
Following Billy Mays' death, the Super Industrial Butt Plug company had trouble finding a suitable replacement announcer.

Best of mega
"Thank you, Mr. President, for calling on me. My question is, how much more incredibly great would life be if all of us had affordable, high-quality health care?"

Best of dub
Hey good lookin, be back to pick you up Thursday!

In Soviet Russia, Gay Tuesday Cruises You!


1. "Only vertical stripes are slimming, Igor."

2. "That's OK, Ivan. It happens to all men sometimes. We can just cuddle."

3. "I am going to ride you like Putin rode that horse... with my d--- in your a--!"

4. "Hold me closer, tiny dancer!"

5. "So, the mural on the left represents workers of all nations and colors marching boldly into the future, while the one on the right represents the bouregoisie consumed by the Tyrannosaurus Rex of capitalism. I'd say your NEA Grant is in the bag."


Best of Niall
"So what you do is trim some hair from your head and super glue it to your shoulders. Look at mine."

Best of molson
Comrade! I have a Jurassic lizard... In my pants!

Best of prince of leaves
Moscow, 1984: "Putin, I just don't think you've got what it takes to be a roller-coaster operator. Maybe you should consider a career in politics?"

Best of Viking04
In America, they have Astroglide. In Russia, axle grease from the nearest Zil just as good.

Best of Atomic Lib Smasher
"It's okay, Ooter. Ron's house of knobby dildos will reopen in the morning".

Best of Army of Mom
Don't cry. I like your outfit.

Best of Army of Mom
I don't care what that silly girl said, I still think you look like a fabulous cross of Viggo Mortensen and Mark Hamill.

Best of Matt the K
Once Jay Mohr left "The Ghost Whisperer" it was all downhill from there.

Best of Adriane
Misha - only for you would I rip off my sleeves so we weren't wearing the same shirt to the movies ...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Putin Goes to Enumclaw

Brender

1. "In tonight's performance of Equus, Daniel Radcliffe's part will be played by Vladimir Putin."

2. Only in the Enquirer: The forbidden love between Vladimir Putin and Sarah Jessica Parker.

3. "In Soviet Russia, 'You Mount Horse.'" (Only readers in Enumclaw would find the humor in this.)

4. "Ah, you must be the horse he rode in on. Well, lube up and brace yourself."

5. "Well done, Comrade Agent. When Obama receives the pictures of his Secretary of State doing a 'Catherine the Great,' we'll own his a$$. Not that we don't already."

Best of Jack Reacher
He's Putin on a little weight. That makes him a Siberian husky.

Passionate Conservative
In the Bearded Spock Universe, Vladimir Putin holds a summit with President John Kerry

dadoctah
Answering the question you never thought to ask: "What is the exact opposite of Fabio?"

Kaptain Krude
"No one must know about this. Here, have a polodium... I mean, sugar cube."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Vlad takes a break out looking for Brokeback Mountain

Billy and the Clonosaurus

Al

1. "Bill, my eyes are up here. Dammit, if I wanted this crap, I'd've asked for Edwards."

2. "Follow the yellow-brick road..."

3. Little Kim attempts to prove his sanity by subjecting himself to a roadside sobriety test.

4. "I will rerease the hostages... but first I'm going to eat this booger."

5. "Is it true about Joe Biden's 'grug-grug' probrem?"

Best of Julie the Jarhead
"Am I bothering me? I'm not touching me -- am I bothering me?"

Best of Matt the K
"I no get Halumph flom dat guy!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Bill: "...and Hillary wants her pantsuit back."

Best of The Man
I asked fur Hanz Brick!

Best of dadoctah
"For lunch there's an Applebee's about half a mile that way. Anybody driving something we can all fit into?"

Best of sonicfrog
Yes, there are even more hookers fru that door.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Am I talkin' to me? Am I a clown? Do I amuse me?"

Best of robert
Gathered dignitaries what in amazement as Dr Evil demands 100 gazillion dollars.

Best of prince of leaves
"You rearry shourd tly the Membels Onry pantsuit...velly comfoltaber!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"No, we must go dis way. Other way still too radioactive."

Best of metalgarth
you rack disciprine!

Saturday, August 08, 2009

I don't know WTF it is either



1. "Scrubs" desperately scrapes the bottom of the barrel in their search for a Zach Braff replacement.

2. Children of Hamelin, I'd stay away from this one.

3. ORA: Nickname "Johnny Yellowpubes."

4. By employing the homeless as surgeons, the ObamCare plan saved billions of dollars. Lives? Not so much.

5. Cap This: Humor only dogs can hear.

Far out Best of Jay Guevara
Berkeley's mayor was philosophical after losing re-election because he was too "establishment."

Best of Rodney Dill
Have A Kokopelli and a smile.

Best of Michael
I put five bucks in the basket so he could afford some flip flops that fit.

Best of John.....just John
Boy, Ian Anderson has really let himself go! (ORA?)

Best of Double the U
There is always that one guy who is really too old to be in college.

Best of jj
Wow, House has really let himself go.

Best of prince of leaves
The fact that this is Nancy Pelosi's botox technician explains a lot.

Best of Matt the K
The lead character from "The Dark Crystal Meth".

Best of Mr. Hankey
The answer to Nancy Pelosi's question - "where are my constituents?"