Saturday, May 30, 2009

Kids and their weapons

Brender

1. Tyler and Emma prepare for the last day of school... ever!

2. "Damn, I can't believe I missed Mrs. Watkins. For a fat chick, she can run pretty fast!"

3. "What do you mean I'm overcompensating? F--k you, b-tch!"

4. "I shot off a load, now I feel like taking a nap. Why are you giggling?"

5. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like... victory."

Best of steve o
A young Jack Bauer demonstrates his summer project on the 7th graders who took his lunch money last year.

Best of Jay Guevara
"OK, I'm ready. Let me know when we get to Berkeley."

Best of Van Helsing
That ought to keep Barney Fwank at bay.

Best of Snowdog
"But how can you shoot teachers and classmates?" "Simple. Just don't lead them as much."

Best of Submariner
What are the odds? AoD has one of these mounted in his pickup...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Harry Potter & the Chariot of Whoopass

Best of mega
Toyota took advantage of GM and Chryslers' government-coerced move toward fuel efficient mini death traps, by introducing the Dominator A500, the most bad-ass SUV in world history.

Best of Double the U
The first and last time the wife allowed me to take care of the kids all day.

Best of Matt the K
The family that strafes together stays together.

Best of conservativeteen
Stevie plots revenge on congress for sticking him with $55,000 dollars of debt.

Best of dub
Young Johnny practices straffing a field of North Korean peasants while little Susy prepares for her first tail-hook rape.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Up Your Nose With a ... NVM

Brender
1. Mancow's second totally fake waterboarding stunt was even lamer than his first.

2. Break time at Dell Technical Support.

3. People go to extreme measure to rid themselves of the smell of Michael Moore.

4. Once, just to f--k with his mindless groupies, Obama told People magazine that the sexiest thing on a woman was "really clean nostrils."

5. The Extreme Remedial Life Skills teacher knew he had his work cut out for him with this class.

Best of Matt the K
To keep such horrors from reaching America's shores is *exactly* why Congressman Benjamin Sinclair proposed the Nasal Penetration Restriction Act of 2007.

Best of Double the U
NO NO, I said, I would drink anything as long as it "IS NOT TEA", not "snot tea."

Best of Submariner
Thought bubble: "Printed shirt? Why does Chandra ALWAYS have to be different?"

Best of Van Helsing
That's nothing. Joe Biden can pour water through his ears.

Best of Viking04
Liberal Enema!

Best of curly
It snorts the lotion up its nose or else it gets the rubber hose.

Best of mega
Before you could say "twitter", news that Red Bull contained trace amounts of cocaine had made its way to the nouveau riche suburbs of Bangalore.

Best of mega
ORA
"How did you know the answer to that question?? How?" (smack)
"When I was a child, my girlfriend made some nostril fetish porn videos with her friends, and......"

Best of Army of Dad
"...and rinse and spit."
Slumdog Dentist. Man I hate sequels!

Best of dub
Date With Dub....UR LUBIN THE RONG HOLE.

He iz also unhapy abotu the gay marridge rooling

California teachers may be expensive (highest paid in the country) but you can't argue with the results. Actually, you're not allowed to argue with the results. That would make you a racist hater.



Best of Mr. Hankey
Should say "Hey you people who actually pay taxes!! The guy we voted for says we deserve more of your money and I want it now! But I'll be okay for now if you just let me marry my boyfriend"

Best of Jack Reacher
Literacy takes its lumps here, both with the sign-maker and the girl who can't read the directions and so straps her backpack to her chest.

Best of GregMan
OAR: "Halp! Im beenig represed! Kome adn sea teh vyolence inhernit in teh sistum!"

Best of dadoctah
"Our lives is worth more than Sharpies!"

Best of dadoctah
Armed with a link to the LA Times photo archive, Santiago went on to a lucrative career composing subject lines for spam e-mails.

Best of Matt the K
And after school, a proud Mrs. Sotomayor put Ramon's picture from art class on frigerator.

Best of Spin
Fez knew his son would turn to teh ghey even before he left Wisconsin

Teh Thin Blue Line

K is P

1. Stripes are slimming, but they can only do so much.

2. The Cankle Patrol seems entirely over-staffed.

3. "I would look fabulous in that. Damn this gut!"

4. "I'm sorry miss, but with an ass like that, we can't let you into the Thursday area. Now, move along."

5. "That reminds me. I need to pick up some cottage cheese on the way home."

Best of Matt the K
This was a "trick question" scenario for the O.M.O.H. recruits.

Best of Army of Dad
Nope, no smiley face panties on that one either.

Best of dadoctah
"For no reason I can explain, I'm suddenly jonesing for some donuts."

Best of Submariner
Thought bubbles, from the left: "Did her." "Did her." "Did her." "I'd do her after a six pack." "Wonder if HE'D do me?" "Did her."

Best of metalgarth
Dateline 1986: The Little Rock Swat Team does some special in depth training with the governor

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mirror Mirror



Best of Army of Dad
ORA: Shiny!

Best of Army of Dad
The waitstaff at the Silver Taco put Hooters girls to shame.

Best of Matt the K
"Does this mirror make my ass look hotter?"

Best of ochagirl
V! EVERY TIME YOU POST AN OVERLY MANIPULATED PHOTO, A KITTEN DIES!
You love teh kittens, don't you?

Best of prince of leaves
Pr0n Troofer: "Yeah, right. If that's a mirror image in the background, why isn't the glass fogged from her steaming hotness?"

Best of Submariner
How nature says "You can't AFFORD to touch."

Oh, hey she brought teh booze...



Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Why yes, the wine is a little tart...how did you know?

Best of John.....just John
Army of Mom? Is that you? Oh sorry. Thought I recognized the outfit.

Best of dadoctah
You *see*, Cynthia Nixon, what you could have had if you'd just held out?

Best of Matt the K
We've secretly replaced Clay Aiken's usual room service staff with this bawdy strumpet...let's see if he notices.

Best of prince of leaves
"The wine? Oh, it's Chlamydia Canyon...Canyon...Canyon...Canyon..."

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Baby Got Back


1. Women are advised to avoid anabolic steroids during pregnancy.

2. All right, you can have your captions, y'big baby.

3. This really does nothing to refute the notion that I am, in fact, a sick intercourse.

4. Gerber's denies reports that trace amounts of growth hormones have been detected in its strained peas.

5. Mental image of V the K whining about being less funny than Iowahawk.

Wicked Best of prince of leaves
It took fifteen months of kegels after his birth, but Jimmy's mom was eventually able to stop expelling her uterus every time she sneezed.

Best of dub
Sadly, this is the biggest set of tits posted on here in a couple of months.

Best of Submariner
Looks like the Lions just got themselves a new DT...

Best of mega
Charles Johnson became so consumed with his petty sandbox fight against Pamela Geller and Robert Spencer, that it actually started to manifest physically.

Best of dadoctah
Michael Chiklis has really let himself go.

Best of GregMan
Never mind this kid getting off my lawn, he needs to get off the entire suburban subdivision.

Best of Silhouette
"I thaid I wa thung by a beh. Call da hothpital."

Best of Chrees
Nope, still looking for someone or something Sasha Grey won't do.

Best of Unscrupulous
This is what happens when The Michelin Man forgets to don his rubber!

Best of racerboy
Yer gonna put this on the banner just to piss dub off, aren't ya V?

Best of Army of Dad
Do not taunt happy fun sumo.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Legion of Gay Superheroes



1. Faster than a disco beat, more powerful than a party drug cocktail, more fabulous than an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog ... the Legion of Sodomites.

2. "Son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod! ... Lower!"

3. "OK, your motivation for this scene is... you're a macho stud looking for tight young ass to breed." Ang Lee works his actors during the filming of Brokeback Watchmen.

4. Of all the gay Superheroes, 'The Fist' was by far the most popular.

5. "C'mon girls! Let's go bitch-slap some evildoers."

Best of Silhouette
"Finally!," said Aquaman, "people whose ass I can kick."

Best of mega
Would California Prop 9 ban septo-marriage? In the bath houses, the tension was palpable as they awaited the decision.

Best of dadoctah
"It's slobberin' time!"

Best of dadoctah
"Help me out here. Which one of you got his powers when he was bitten by a radioactive gerbil?"

Best of dadoctah
What happens in a secluded stronghold deep beneath the Antarctic icecap *stays* in a secluded stronghold deep beneath the Antarctic icecap.

Best of Rodney Dill
...summoned by Larry Craig's tap... tap... tap...

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Let them celebrate," mused The Crimson Inseam, "I shall escape and I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

Best of GregMan
When these guys say "Flame On!", they really mean it.

Best of GregMan
Nipple Man (second from left, back row) has Super Hair-Styling powers.

Best of Rich Bateman
Ok, that's it Martha...these bicyclists here in Austin just go too far! I slow down for them, I give them half a lane, but I'll be damned if I'm going to look at their package every time I want a big gulp!

Best of Viking04
'Pig Boy' isn't pictured, because he was taking the photo.

Best of Submariner
This meeting of the Barbara Streisand Fan Club will now come to order...

Best of Mr. hankey
Sensing an opportunity, the heroes quickly return to the men's restroom.

Best of Snowdog
Yes, we're super! Thanks for asking!

Now, That's What I Call Maneuvers

Brender
1. The male-female disparity in Asia has led to the expected side-effects.

2. How Ang Lee spent Memorial Day.

3. This isn't a porn-scene, it's a baptism, you dirty-minded monors. Never mind the guy on the right with his hand on the initiate's ass. That happens at every baptism!

4. Kim was only mildly disappointed to learn there was no Guinnes entry for "Largest Mass Bukake Scene."

5. Even the ghost of Woody Hayes enjoys a good Asian Cuddle Puddle.

Best of dadoctah
Kim Jong Il decided it was time to his own knock-off of the lucrative Jonas Brothers marketing bonanza.

Best of Mr. Hankey
"...and after the spanking, the oral sex." - Kim Jong Il's Holy Grail remake had it all wrong.

Best of Army of Mom
Ang Lee's remake of China Beach

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I don't know what you do for jellyfish stings!... But I once saw this episode of Friends'..."


Best of mpur
Apparently the term Mud Butt doesn't translate well.

Best of Submariner
Not all of Neil Patrick Harris' dates go willingly...

Monday, May 25, 2009

Fun with Plugs

K is P

1. "I didn't get a 'harrumph' out of that man!"

2. Despite Biden's enthusiastic squealing like a pig, there were still no takers.

3. Plugs thought acting out the podium scene from Police Academy was the height of comic wit.

4. "Sorry, I thought I saw a sniper..."

5. Plugs couldn't believe Forrest Gump beat him at ping-pong and Trivial Pursuit.

Best of Oiao
"And I don't want any fuggin fancy mustard on that burger, got it?!

Best of Silhouette
"For the last time, I didn't reveal any national secrets, like that the nuclear launch code is 2187 or that our subs are right now in the harbor of St. Petersburg or that the Jefferson Memorial is hiding a vast sensor array."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
As the security detail looked on in stunned silence, the Vice President continued his heated debate with the invisible squirrel on the picnic table.

Best of Rodney Dill
SERENITY NOW!!!

Best of Submariner
Soylent Green is people, I tell ya!

Best of Whacko
"... and not only that but the President's bomb-proof bunker is at N38.56.18, W76.59.42. Ooops! Maybe that should have been off the record. Looks like I'll be in Time Out again!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"...one more thing V the Koward, I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian . the pictures of tits and animals having sex on your blog reveal the deep sickness you truly possess and explain your desire to hide behind "faith" and "good deeds" to cover up what a sick f*** you really are." The identity of V the K's anonymous troll is finally revealed.

Best of dub
"LOOK!! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!! What's with all the black people all of a sudden??"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Doing his best Reverend Wright routine, Joe figures that he'll get back on Obama's good side.

Best of Army of Mom
Wow, Mr. Vice President. That is eerie. You really do resemble Bob Barker when you shout "the price is right!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I saw you throw that!"

Best of Matt the K
Phil Hartman has risen from the dead, and he is PISSED!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Boneheads

Shorpy

1. An ACORN employee fills out voter registrations for Mr. T. Bone, Mr. Mr. Cray Nium, Mr. Jolly Roger, and Miss Ida Needham-Bodie... all of Chicago, all registering as Democrats.

2. During his days as a research assistant at the Museum of Natural History, a younger Barney Frank kept a mannequin of a young boy around for purposes he never explained to the rest of the staff.

3. "This will be the best juggling act ever."

4. ORA: An intern for Congressman Benjamin Sinclair conducts research for the Ocular Penetration Restriction Act of 2007.

5. "This is either an Australopithecus or a member of Larry O'Donnell's extended family."

Best of mpur
Dr. Frankenstein learned that he had to be very specific when requesting sexual favors from Igor.

Best of Paul
What REALLY happens to those who get voted off of the island...

Best of Silhouette
Hell's bowling alley

Best of Silhouette
Thought bubble: "I always thought scullery maid meant something else."

Best of mega
Following up on his huge Ida hoax, Bill prepared his next batch of "links".

Best of mega
"It wants food? No, not today." Buffalo Bill continued to torment his victims in the cellar, long after it ceased to matter.

Best of Viking04
Preparing to build a 'Throne of Skulls' to satisfy Michelle's inner Klingon.

Best of Oiao
Obama Adiminstration 'Chief Scientist' using archived skulls from Stalin era to determine where best to place the coming round of bullets into the living heads of Financial and Automotive CEOs' as well as all small businessmen. Report due on Thursday.

Best of GregMan
In 2247, after the radioactivity died down somewhat, archaeologists study what was left of South Korea, and decide it was all Bush's fault.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Late one night whilst working in his father's mortuary, Hannibal got his first powerful craving for sweetbread. By morning, 17 families would be informed that they really shouldn't oughtta plan on open casket ceremonies for their dearly beloved.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Things were more Black & White for the CSI team in the olden days.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Alfredo Garcia? Nope; Alfredo Garcia? Nope; Alfredo...

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Horror! OMG, The Horror!

SnowSnake 1. Standard Cap #218: "Mom?"

2. "Are we done here? I need to get to Minnesota and sing an aria over Norm Coleman's re-election bid."

3. Unexpectedly, all of Madonna's nip-tucks come loose at the same time in the middle of a performance.

4. Metaphors for Democrat spending, anyone?

5. There's enough material for five Thursday babes here. Unfortunately, it's all combined into one big Friday nightmare.


Wicked Doubleplusgood Best of
Would someone puhleeze tell Megan McCain to stop being such an attention whore?

Best of Viking04
SHE BREEEACCCHHEESSS! Mr. Starbuck, lower the boats.

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
Do my gigantic bovine tits make my butt look fat?

Best of dub
I turned it on, but the Futurama, it does nothing.

Best of Submariner
It was at that fateful moment that Margie realized how right the doctor has been when he warned her that "...one day, your weight and gravity will overcome your hip sockets."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I hope Perez Hilton likes my routine. We use the same eyeliner."

Best of prince of leaves
1986: "Boudoir weaaaarrrrr!" The Soviet Union's 'Glasnost in the Bedroom' traveling lingerie exhibition closes quietly after the first night in London.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Full splits or outright geological fault? Only her geologist knows for sure...

Best of dadoctah
In a figurative sense *only*, the early 90s were lean years for Miss Bertinelli's career.

Best of Rich Bateman
Hey...I have that outfit!

Best of Mr. Hankey
Britney Spears' next comeback isn't expected to be as successful.

Best of Double the U
...and it's called "The Aristocrats!

Hail Cobra



1. "Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts! unsex me here, And fill me from the crown to the toe, top-full Of direst cruelty; make thick my blood, Stop up the access and passage to remorse, That no compunctious visitings of nature Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, Wherever in your sightless substances You wait on nature's mischief!"

2. Tragedy ensued when they wandered into the Plushy convention next door and were ripped to shreds by a guy in a mongoose costume.

3. "I will have my revenge on you, Dick Cheney! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

4. Whatever this guy paid eHarmony to match him with his soul-mate, it still wasn't enough.

5. ORA: "Dammit, Roadblock, for the last time... I don't want a body massage!"

Best of Viking04
It was the only way Rahm could attend the convention, and it felt so 'right'.

Best of metalgarth
4' foot wooden snake rod. What's he overcompensating for?

Best of mpur
The dreadful day that C.O.B.R.A. joined forces with C.A.M.E.L.T.O.E.

Best of Silhouette
"Sorry about the lay-offs, everyone, but here are Fred and Helen from HR to tell you about your health insurance options."

Best of steve o
This week on Project Runway, contestant vie to create the uniforms for the elite U.N. Special Forces.

Best of Submariner
Those are UN Special Forces uniforms, Steve O? I thought they were French irregulars...

Best of prince of leaves
"What's the big deal? If the head of Mothers Against Drunk Driving can be a man, why can't a man be the leader of the Inflamed Vagina Militia?"

Best of Rich Bateman
Let me introduccccce you to the misssusss? Isss that a sssnake in your pocket?

Best of Army of Mom
DON'T.LOOK.NOW.THERE.IS.A.JEDI.RIGHT.BEHIND.YOU.

Best of mega
Amina figured the niqab got her squared away with the Koran, which, she noted, didn't say anything about cameltoe.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Protesting in front of the White House, COBRA terrorists argue that GI Joe team members used excessive Kung-Fu Grip when interrogating prisoners. Obama is expected to soon declare that Kung-Fu Grip is torture and barbaric.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Three is a magic number



Best of dub
This Thursday has been brought to you by the National Situp Council, which reminds you, no one likes a fat chick.

Best of ZACHARIEL - GAY ANGEL
"Hello and enjoy your flight today on Air France. Please take your seat, we will be pulling out from the gate in a few moments. For your safety, please fasten your seat belts at this time. We hope you like our new uniforms. Safety information can be found in the rear pocket of the seat in front of you."

Best of Snowdog
If School House Rock would have used these girls, I would have learned my multiplication tables a lot faster.

Best of Rich Bateman
Damn..and me without my habit or my ruler!

Best of Submariner
Catholic School Girls in Trouble.
Not a cap, I just like thinking about it...

Best of Nose
Faith, Hope, and a Slutty Blonde

She's like, wet and stuff



Best of Silhouette
Silly medieval judges. You put a WITCH in the water to see if she floats, not a genie.

Best of dub
Now I'm as curious as the next guy when it comes to female ejaculation, but this just seems a bit excessive.

Best of Snowdog
"The rib bone connected to the nice breasts." Hidden man had the wrong words, but the right idea.

Best of Army of Dad
Handshark.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

More Proof: Life... just not fair.

LGF 2.0 is doing a 'Cap This.' I know you guys can do better...


1. Rita found that rubbing her crotch against's Ricky's scruffy head was the perfect thing to relieve the itching from her crabs.

2. "Who cares if she's got an arm growing out of her abdomen. Like I'm gonna f--- her abdomen."

3. "I didn't get a harrumph out of that skank!"

4. "Point out one more... one more... girl that's hotter than me and this cup of liquid nitrogen goes right in your lap, buster."

5. Rick was born in Arkansas exactly nine months after his mother 'worked out' a DUI at the governor's mansion.

Best of metalgarth
Either A) He needs a haircut or B) She really needs a Brazillian Wax
voting starts now

Best of Viking04
Amber prepares to queef in Biff's ear to get his attention.

Best of GregMan
Tragically, Biff was too drunk to do anything other than giggle and point as the tidal wave closed in on the sprink breakers.

Best of Jack Reacher
ORA: "This is how you throw a sexy party. Stewie Griffin eat your heart out!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Jody still remembers that day he took Dad's credit card without permission.

Best of Oiao
"Dude! Then I buy this boat on an overextended AMEX and, whoa, default, and Uncle Teddy get's the rest of the Senate to bail me out. Word! And I'm taking that babe for a ride in a car over the bridge later to celebrate, Dude!"

Best of Dr. Hardcrab
DUDE!! I was just scratchin' my head and, like, SMELL MY FINGER!!!!

Best of Submariner
...and bring back some Nachos Grande. And a bag of marshmallows. And some Cheetos. And maybe a cube of Coors? Oh, and don't forget some bratwursts, and charcoal, and lighter fluid, and a couple of bags of chips, and...

Best of dadoctah
The one Baldwin brother even Billy's embarrassed to be seem with.

Best of Army of Mom
Dammit Darren, she's right. If you put your ear to her pussy, you CAN hear the ocean.

Monkeyfish


1. The dreaded piranha-monkeys of the Amazon basin can strip a model to the skeleton in under two minutes.

2. Hollywood's bio-pic of Jane Goodall took all sorts of liberties with the story.

3. "Pull my banana?"

4. Dana Perrino, on vacation, ponders the relative attractiveness of damn, dirty apes compared with the White House Press Corps.

5. Tom Lehrer's grand-daughter prefers poisoning monkeys at the beach.


Wicked Best of GregMan
A bunch of smelly, hairy, masturbating little apes flinging urine and feces at a beautiful, intellligent woman? This must be the Miss USA pageant!

Best of Army of Dad
ORA: No monkey, this is my pot pie!

Best of Viking04
Thank you for arriving in time for our regularly-scheduled poo flinging.

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Am I the only pervert who notices that most of the monkeys have their hands beneath the surface of the water?

Best of dadoctah
"Damn", thought Fay Wray, "my pheromones must be *really* screwed up!"

Best of Adriane
Whoa! You mean they're not filming Kurt Vonnegut's Galapagos ?!?

Best of Van Helsing
Never get caught on the beach with snacks when Daily Kos is having its annual convention at the seaside.

Best of Army of Dad
"If you don't stop begging I will have to spank you, you naughty little monkey you!"

Best of racerboy
"Would you like to touch my... aw, nevermind..."

Best of Silhouette
"Remember us? We're the sea monkeys you flushed in 4th grade."
Best of Submariner
I didn't know that Sharon Stone tried to provide relief during Katrina...

Best of ochagirl
FrankJ yelled at the television, "I TOLD EVERYONE THAT THEY'D COME FOR US! GO TO THE MONKEY SHELTER AND GET MY MONKEY GUN!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Coming back to the USA from vacation, Paris looks around and falls to the beach "You Maniacs!! You blew it up!! Damn you all to hell!"

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Busted by the Homo Police




Best of metalgarth
All I said was that I don't like Elton John and Andrew Lloyd Weber, why is President Hillary sending me to a 're-education' camp?

Best of mklasing
Homo Police accidentally arrest Dick Morris after hearing a mere 6 seconds of his whiny little voice.

Best of dub
Dont taze me OMOH!

Best of metalgarth
The penalties for a bad caption were far worse than the newbie imagined

Best of Submariner
Fed up with Jack's antics, Mr. Roper has him carted away by the Intifada.

Best of Snowdog
I was just trying to get George Michael's autograph.

Best of dadoctah
"Leave me alone! I'm engaged to Cynthia Nixon!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Rush Limbaugh's goons made quick work of trespasser Michael J. Fox.

Best of GregMan
John Edwards did not go peacefully to his DNA paternity test.


1. "I didn't say 'Putin is an ass' I said 'Put it in my ass!'"

2. "Promise me the strip search will be... rough!"

3. "He's got the whole world... in his hands... C'mon, sing it with me? What's the matter, are you people uptight or something?"

4. Obama deploys his crack "Throw Him Under the Bus" Squad to deal with another political embarrassment.

5. "But I like my women with a little meat on them!" dub's reign as Supreme Ruler of Earth was harsh indeed.

The Redheaded Dude Is Kinda Cute

Julie Teh Jarhead

1. Fortunately for Ron Weasley, sex reassignment at Hogwarts was as simple as waving a wand and repeating genitalis transformus.

2. For once, even Howard Stern was turned off by the possibility of a lesbian make-out session.

3. Little known fact: Since 1.20.2009, all lesbian menstrual cycles have synched with Hillary's.

4. "We're registered at Macy's, Target, and Radio Shack... we're going to need lots and lots of batteries!"

5. "Ambassadors to Lickmycrotchistan? We'd be honored, Madame Secretary. The confirmation is in your hotel room? At Midnight? We'll be there!"


Best of Matt the k
Cynthia, you may want to consult your Handbook. Its not considered lesbianism anymore if your girfriend actually had a d*ck.
Oops I meant to say 'has' instead of 'had'. Oh well, Dawn's head will probably explode somewhere in there.

Best of ZACHARIEL - GAY ANGEL
It takes a real man to tie a proper Windsor Knot.

Best of Army of Dad
KD Lang goes ginger.

Best of dadoctah
The new crop of Muppets are *so* lifelike!

Best of Mr. Hankey
It's always uplifting when celebrity women marry one of us ugly dudes. We know we have a chance.

Best of Viking04
Buckingham Palace had no comment on the rumour that Prince Harry had been photographed in drag, accompanying a C-List actress from a tasteless American television programme.

Best of Red
If you're gong to date a woman that looks like a man, guess what? You can date a man and the "parts" don't need batteries! "Go green" lesbians! Date men! Save the environment from all those dead batteries.

Best of metalgarth
The porn industry would pay a significant amount of money to make sure the wedding night video NEVER saw the light of day

Best of Snowdog
No, you can't come to Somalia to be a pirate. You have no soul!

Best of GregMan
"Why yes, we did vote for Hillary in the primaries, how did you know?"

Best of Submariner
Evidently, when Cynthia "chews the fat," she really chews the fat.

Best of ShoeChick
Oh look. Howdy Doody is all grown up and getting married! Isn't that nice.

Metallica

Brender

1. You really didn't expect the NAMBLALYMPICS to hand out medals, did you?

2. "Congressman Frank says we need more body glitter."

3. Ron Paul's NAMBLA contingent protests against Fiat Currency.

4. X-Men's Colossus attracts odd groupies.

5. "Find new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold. You, on the other hand, just suck, copper boy."

Wicked Best of mpur
Written on their backs: Our butts is twenty dollar. We love you long time.

Best of dub
Pedro, pictured center, was later seen in the alley giving a blowjob for a sandwich.

Best of Silhouette
One life. More than Gold.
One life. More than Silver.
One life. More than Copper.

Learning the proper use of is/are? Priceless.

Best of Chrees
Psssst...certain body parts are worth $7.99 in Allisonville.

Best of ZACHARIEL - GAY ANGEL
Coming up next on "Manila Today" - the Protest against Education is expected to continue today in spite of the recent paper shortage.

Best of Adjustah
No, no they amn't.

Best of dadoctah
Paco couldn't make it. He was going to paint himself green and write "our lives is worth more than guacamole".

Best of Viking04
Ang Lee remakes THE THREE STOOGES.

Best of mega
We am sympathetic to your plight.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Children! Delicious Children!

Brender
1. Children of the Federation entertain the Klingon ambassador with folk dances. Later, their hearts are served roasted on a spit.

2. When little Bellatrix started levitating in mid Spiral Dance, the coven knew the Dark Lord was pleased.

3. Marion Barry Elementary School was so progressive, it had posters on the wall showing white kids demonstrating the correct method for smoking crack.

4. The thought that every little cracker in the room would have $150,000 in public debt hanging over their heads by the time her husband finished his term openly delighted the First Lady.

5. Ignore the white girl. Ignore the white girl. Ignore... Look, white girl, I'm ignoring you... Ignore the white girl.

Best of Mr. Hankey
In an updated version of Hans Christian Andersen's 'Red Shoes", the young girl is unable to stop dancing until her entire family pays pennance to the woman of the Obamassiah.

Best of dub
"Teacher!! Oprah is taking up two chairs!!"

Best of curly
After dancing, the children took turns playing ‘hide and seek’ in Michelle’s shoes.

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Christine watched fearfully, knowing Mommie Dearest could blow a gasket at any second.

Best of Viking04
M. Obama took the opportunity to practice her future role as Empress of Meximerada.

Best of metalgarth
Spock Jr, being sitting in the back row as usual, knew he had about 3 seconds to execute a neck pinch on the Klingon in the 1st row or else Lil Uhura would never respect him.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yeah, now we're gettin' some dancin', now that I made that little honky b!tch sit down!"

Best of GregMan
Sasaquatch visits local kindergarten, film at 11.

Best of Submariner
The day the Grim Reaper visited Bella Abzug Elementary...

Best of dadoctah
So *this* is what happens with "Dancing with the Stars" meets NAFTA.

Go Fish

Brender
1. So far, his strategy of driving the innovative players out of business and producing inferior, bug-ridden copies of their hands was working well in the World Series of Poker.

2. "I've got four queens... but enough about the Microsoft marketing department."

3. "Too bad. You wagered your soul. See you in hell."

4. ORA: "You know the rules to 'Cripple Mr. Onion?' Dammit, Gates, you are the nerd to end all nerds."

5. "Magic, the Gathering. All you need is a brain, a deck, and a ... oh, crap!"

Best of GregMan
"I bet Steve Jobs that no one would notice that Windows was crap. What makes you think you can bluff me with a bare King showing?"

Best of mklasing
Upon realizing he was definitely going to win, Mr. Gates gave a nervous glance at the shotgun sitting next to Dick Cheney.

Best of metalgarth
WTF? Does the world really need another 'Revenge of the Nerds' movie?

Best of Submariner
Bill; "Square, Water, Star, Square... Golly, this isn't hard at all!"
Dick; "That's because the OTHER person normally looks at the card faces, Schmuck."

Best of Viking04
Bill Gates, secretly a Centauri spy, used his tentacle-like sexual organs to cheat at cards.

Best of Jay Guevara
"I've got 12 aces. What've you got?"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Holding his cards close to his chest, a coked-up Bill soon knew that he would be losing his underwear to Barney.

Best of dub
I'll call your "wide stance" and raise you....wait....what???

Best of jeff
"You realize what the odds of drawing to an inside straight are, right? I've calculated all of them."

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Fellow on the Far Right Seems Way too Excited

Shorpy via Ward Cleaver


1. NAMBLA Instructional courses are now open to all ages and genders.

2.Kindergarten sex ed: UR Doin' it Wrong!

3. "Good marbling, no bruises... I'll give you $3.54 a pound."

4. When the stripper canceled at the last minute, it was up to six-year-old Billy to save his Mom's bachelorette party.

5. Being a kid stripper sucks. They only stuff pennies in your G-string.

Very Brady Best of prince of leaves
The other Phrenology 101 students tittered quietly to themselves at Margie's mistake.

Best of Double the U
You stand still young Mr. Barney Frank, this will be over in a minute and will have no affect on your life.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nothing scars a young fellow for life like a woman measuring his tool with the short edge of a ruler!

Best of Submariner
Staff training days at Barney Frank Elementary were a might different than other schools...

Best of robert
Little Timmy never lived down his measurement by micrometer.

Best of Oiao
Confirmed in Hope Arkansas; A young William Clinton's member had a unique turn towards the left.

Best of Matt the K
The school nurse drags young Johnny Holmes into the St. Ignatius teacher's lounge to claim the prize on that 'friendly wager' they'd all made.

Best of Jack Reacher
"You're going to have to hold your hips still, Mr. Perez Hilton. And please stop humming while I measure."

Best of metalgarth
WORST. LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. EVER.

Best of Mr Hankey
The point in the movie where the bass guitar starts to thump.

Best of Chrees
"Jew!! Next!"

Best of GregMan
"It's freshly cut, all right. Price him at $7.99."

Best of Matt the K
"Stevie Austin, ankle-biter. A kiddo barely five. Cats and Chicks, we can rebuild him. We have the technology, Daddio. We have the capability to build the world's first Atomic Boy. Stevie Austin will be that boy. Bosser than he was before. Keener, Ca-razier, more neato."

Best of Matt the K
Little Timmy wondered..."What the hell kind of Shop Class IS this, anyway??"

Friday, May 15, 2009

Morbidly Heavy Metal



1. And then he yelled, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" and dove into the mosh pit. The casualties were massive.

2. Apparently, this 'Crazy Train' includes a dining car.

3. Fat, drunk and androgynous is no way to go through life son.

4. The hair extensions did nothing to hide James Hetfield's real problem.

5. Despite Tina Yothers best efforts, the part of Jim Morrison went to Val Kilmer.

Wicked Best of Mr Hankey
Back To The Future 2015 - Marty McFly takes to the stage at the "Enchantment Under The Sea" dance playing "Rape Me", then goes and sleeps with his mother & father.

Best of metalgarth
They new the risks when they took the gig as house band at the Old Country Buffet

Best of metalgarth
I'm not sure if I understand what Wynonna Judd is going for these days.

Best of Army of Dad
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, sweet pie of mine"

Best of jeff
"Stand clear the backblast area - she's gonna blow!"

Best of Julie the Jarhead
"BEEFCAKE!"

Best of prince of leaves
After twenty years and a hundred extra pounds, Romeo Void's reunion tour was not the draw the promoters had hoped for.

Best of ZACHARIEL - GAY ANGEL
While Laurie did not win Miss Tennessee, she did win Miss Congeniality.

Best of Matt the K
Heart just wasn't the same without both of the Wilson sisters.

Best of Matt the K
'Heavy Metal' best described the intricate series of bridge trusses required to hold up the stage.

Best of dadoctah
ObDaveBerry: "The Angry Weebles" would be a great name for a rock band.

Best of metalgarth
Misdirection. While all you monors are focused on the fat intercourse up front, you overlook the fact that the drummer is using the clothes of the homeless guy he just killed to dampen his bass drum

Best of Kaptain Krude
"one more thing V the Koward, I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian . the pictures of tits and animals having sex on your blog reveal the deep sickness you truly possess and explain your desire to hide behind "faith" and "good deeds" to cover up what a sick f*** you really are. And if I ever catch you eating any of my Ho-Ho's again, you'll be in big trouble, mister!"

OMG My Eyes! The Goggles! They do nothing!

Um, Robert. Just Robert.
1. I frakkin' hate affirmative action.

2.The Hooters - Chevy's exchange program just isn't workin' out for anybody.

3. "Welcome to dub's! Would you like to hear about our Thursday specials?"

4."Sorry, Congressman Frank, we're not allowed to give lap dances."

5. In Pittsburgh, former Steelworkers take any work that is available.

Best of Mr. Hankey
That girl needs a hairnet on her gut.

Best of GregMan
The worst part is when he uses his back hair to dry the glasses.

Best of Viking04
Stretch marks! Ick! Ick! Ick!

Best of metalgarth
Hooters: Famous for Chicken Wigs and now Pork Bellies

Best of dub
I hope Futurama comes on soon.

Best of champaignken
Has Rosie O'Donnell been working out lately? She is looking better!

Best of Silhouette
Welcome to Otters! Would you care to try an otter wing? They're otter this world!

Best of robert
Straws... oh, yeah - I have them "under here".

Best of Submariner
Skip the wings and pour the hot sauce directly in my eyes, Manuel...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Lima Melons



Best of Snowdog
Take off your clothes! Play with yourself in front of the mirror!
(Sorry, there was no joke there. I would just really, really like to see that. Really.)

Freckles

Because Lost is Teh Awesome...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Bonerific

Brender
1. The Darfur fashion industry accessorizes with whatever is handy.

2. 2018: Malia Obama graduates high school wearing the bones of a conservative killed in the purge of 2011.

3. Working the chiropractor's convention was a new experience for working girl Kaqueefa X. Otic.

4. Tragedy ensues when Kate Moss tries to piggy back Naomi Campbell.

5. She's had even more bones *inside* of her if you know what I mean and I think that you do.

Best of Matt the K
Tim Burton is appointed Ethiopa's new Minister of Fashion,

Best of dadoctah
The result of last Thursday's meeting between Stormee Daniels and Skeletor.

Best of Rodney Dill
I still prefer DeForest Kelly from the TV series.

Best of GregMan
Latonya queefed so hard her spine flew out through her back.

Best of Silhouette
"I'm sorry, boss, I can't come into work today. I threw my back out."

Best of PabloD
Try as he might, the Predator couldn't quite rip the spine out of his trophy "Dr. Seuss" kill.

Best of Mr. Hankey
I always knew that John Lennon had an Asian muse - "She got spinal cracker...she got feet down below her knees"

Why No One Robs an Israeli 7-11

The Muqata
1. "We were tying each up in our underwear watching Futurama, then we started craving Skittles."

2. "If you want to survive the next three minutes, you damn well better have some Kotex!"

3. In 2014, President Palin's death squads celebrate killing the last remaining holdouts of Obama's ACORN Army.

4. "Nice convenience store... shame if anything happened to it."

5. "I can't believe you're texting and missing this super-awesome cockfight!"

Best of Army of Dad
Late night Hagen-Daas run by the IDF.

Best of Jack Reacher
"And what about this one? What kind of pleasure does this ribbed one provide, exactly?"

Best of Viking04
Six armed chicks, all buying cookie dough ice cream, some ex-boyfriend has a Kaddish coming.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Talk trash at the JDL women's lacrosse match, and you're in for a world of hurt.

Best of jeff
"Hey dude - pack of Malboro 100s, six pack of Maccabee, and two boxes of 5.56 NATO. Man I love the ATF convenience store..."

Best of Tim
the obligatory 3am snowcone and ammo run

Best of dub
Wearing an M-16 before Labor Day? OMG!

Best of Viking04
Somehow, somewhere, there is a really good Robert Earl Keen song here.

Best of steve o
My school was tough. All the cool girls would wear their auto-loaders slung real low.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

White Supremacy has never been more fabulous


1. Rick and Bruce basically hate kikes, n-gg-rs, and people who go to Supercuts.

2. The Boyfriend was just happy Andrew Sullivan had moved on from his Abu Ghraib torture fetish.

3. Each Christmas, the house was haunted by the ghosts of the gay couple who had committed murder-suicide many years before.

4. Not everyone can master the Michelle Obama "dressing with curtains" look.

5. Robert Byrd's grandson has got some 'splainin' to do.

Wicked Best of Army of Dad
Who can spread hate towards all minorities? The Klandy man can.

Best of metalgarth
"I don't know? What do you get when you cross Birth of A Nation and Zorro the Gay Blade?"

Best of dadoctah
"*White* Supremacy? More like Fluorescent Neon Supremacy, I'd say!"

Best of Snowdog
Look: The economy is bad, our sheets were starting to wear out and Andrew Sullivan was having a garage sale. What's a poor Kluxer to do? White power!

Best of molson
The cosmic power of Pabst. When cosplay goes way wrong.

Best of steve o
Rodney, I was going to say the GayGayGay, but I'm happy to go with yours.

Best of mega
Republicans felt they had finally found just the right tone, blending tradition with a more progressive vibe.

Best of dadoctah
The Grand Dragon becomes the Absolutely Stunning Dragon.

Best of FlyingLaZBoy
Grand Wizard, my ass... we're running for KING and QUEEN of this organization!

Best of Kaptain Krude
The marriage of Ron Weasly and Hermione Granger was the talk of the wizarding world for many a year.

Best of jeff
Genetics Experiment #543223: Robert Byrd and Barney Frank

Best of prince of leaves
Skinheads: Taste the Rainbow!™

Video Killed the Incredibly Androgynous Radio Star

Van Helsing
1. Pat couldn't wait to show off the new solar powered sunglasses to Chris, Shannon, and Terry and the other co-workers.

2. This hip combo of iPod and solar-powered glasses is perfect for any boy... um, girl... um, kid-in-need-of-an-ass-kicking on your gift list.

3. "Huh? Until I put these on, I never noticed that all the TV broadcasts and billboards are filled with subliminal commands to 'Procreate' and 'Worship Obama.'"

4. The Yoko Ono Worldwide Fan Club Convention attracted a record four attendees this year.

5. "Mom, tell me again about your love affair with the Blue Beetle."

Best of metalgarth
ORA: "We secretly put 'Better By You, Better Than Me' by Judas Priest on his iPod and left a shotgun under his bed. Let's see if he notices"

Best of dub
I hook them up, but the goggles, they do nothing.

Best of Matt the K
Hmmm...how come this thing only plays songs by Elton John, David Bowie, and k.d. lang???

Best of James McEnanly
The Borg, species One

Best of flyovercountry
I'm so geeky
Oh so geeky
My life is so very stupid and sad

Best of mega
When the CFL bulb popped next to his face and disfigured his eyes with mercury, Griffin got on the state's medical waiting list, and 18 months later, having gone completely blind, was prescribed a pair of sunglasses, designed by P. Diddy for $50 million in Stimulus package money.

Best of ThisOne
Pat found that when he wiggled the midbrain implant cable, he could see the coolest patterns when he closed his eyes.

Monday, May 11, 2009

OMG, We are so frakking old

Brender
1. Gorgons of the Senate: One eye, one tooth, one brain-cell between them.

2."I don't know why some say the Senate needs new blood. I piss out a couple of pints every night."

3. The three tenors, as in, have been in the senate tenor twelve years too long.

4. "So, a Jew, a WASP, and a RINO walk into a bar..."

5. "So I smacked the little Starbucks whore right across the face and screamed, 'in my day, coffee only cost a nickel...' Gawd, it felt good."

Best of ThisOne
Statler, Kermit and Waldorf enjoy some memories on the set of the old show.

Best of dadoctah
Each Rolling Stones tour seems more pointless than the last....

Best of Submariner
...so I says to him; "$6.48/pound and not a penny more. That's as high as I'll go for fresh cut penis..."


Best of jeff
The Senate Metamucil Caucus meets to discuss their bowel movements.


Best of Army of Dad
"...then I yelled 'Get the hell of my lawn you little bastards!"

Best of GregMan
"Now Gloria Swanson, she was a babe!"


Best of Keninnorcal
(whispering) We switched out Senator McCain's normal morning coffee with Valu-Rite vodka...let's see if he notices...

Best of metalgarth
"...Back in Aught Five I was on top of the world"
"...Would that mean 1905 or 2005?"

Best of Matt the K
"...Back in Aught Five I was on top of the world"
"...Would that mean 1905 or 2005?"

"No, I mean THE YEAR, Zero, zero, zero, Five."

Best of steve o
Joe Lieberman, center, is shown in a light moment with one his Cylon friends -- who also happens to be one of the "Final Five" -- and some guy with a large hand.

I just can't get over it. I mean, it's HUGE!

Best of dadoctah
"I wanna thank you, Joe, for jumping ship so you could perform at this tribute dinner for Charles Keating."

Best of Mr. Hankey
After drinking the first 5 Starbucks, only Lieberman is able to stay visably calm, seemingly winning the "Hold Your Urine" test.

Obama Does Smack


1. "So... does this mean I have cancer or what?"

2. Sniff "My farts have a piquant hint of dijon mustard this morning."

3. "GAWD! That sounds stupid! Gawd, I'm an idiot!" Obama wasn't channeling the ghost of Chris Farley, just having a moment a clarity.

4. "There's still some cocaine on my hand." SNORT!

5. Axelrod: "All right, which one of you idiots gave the president Crazy Glue?"

Best of mega
"Mr President, a department head at DHS just blew up a building in Oklahoma City without telling anyone, to clear space for a new heliport. How do you want Gibbs to play it?"

Best of Army of Dad
Come on Barry, quit hitting yourself, quit hitting yourself.

Best of Mr. Hankey
D'oh!

Best of prince of leaves
"No, no headache, Tim...it's just that when I really need to think, hard, I pretend my head is the Egg of Power™ and all becomes clear..."

Best of ThisOne
Oh G-d, Joe, don't..he's going to.....Oh sh*t its the same story he always tells..."when he was in highschool he had this coach"...Oh shut up, don't say that about his daughter..oh crap... I don't want to know....shut up shut up shut up...

Best of flyovercountry
OK guys, I guess joining the mile high club in Air Force One while it flew low over New York was a bad idea.

Best of Keninnorcal
Gee, now I own all of Chrysler's V8s.

Best of molson
Thinking make brain hurt.

Best of Double the U
(Smack!) CRAP, I thought the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Scenes from a a wedding

Divine Miss M

1. Eat your heart out, Denise Richards.

2. Ironically, they met at a party on a pontoon boat.

3. "There is something about seeing a breast the size of your head that makes you forget important things." - Dave Sim, Cerebus

4. She's either going to smother him with affection, or just smother him.

5. Hey, she's got brown eyes. Why didn't I notice that before?

Best of prince of leaves
Later, in the bridal suite, the chaste Jasen would marvel at the feat of civil engineering/dressmaking it took to keep Denise's breasts off the floor.

Best of Van Helsing
"Honey, could you move your nose? It's blocking my view."

Best of Submariner
DRUDGEBREAKING:Spandex failure at reception leaves 16 suffering from whalebone shrapnel wounds.

Best of mega
Karen thought the wedding would be a good time to ask the all-important question, "So...what kinds of things turn you on?"

Best of mpur
Denise was right: Fun bags make excellent wedding gifts.

Best of Army of Dad
Some people to offense to the monogrammed towels we got Denise Davis-Dobson.

Best of flyovercountry
Groom thought bubble: Come on, let's get to the motel, I've got to enjoy these before they start dragging on the floor.

Best of Snowdog
Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge...tracts of land.

Best of steve o
Although the newlywed husband would later be tragically killed in a head-on collision, the bride would miraculously survive.

Friday, May 08, 2009

In the Good Old Days Before the Nanny State

SonicFrog
1. In the seventies, drunken skanks were delivered right to your door from the backs of pick-ups. It was the only reason we survived the Carter years.

2. In West Virginia, folks figure a fancy limousine on prom night is a waste of good beer money.

3. Driver's Ed and the way it would be in a Libertarian Regime.

4. If there's a couple of AR-15's in the bed, I may need a few minutes of 'private time.'

5. Keep this picture in a safe place. After four years of Obama, you may wish to remember what freedom looks like.


Best of Viking04
Somehow, you just know that Van Halen is playing on the radio.

Best of metalgarth
"Now them Duke boys did make pretty good drag queens..."

Best of Jack Reacher
So, what are we up to, now? "612th Thing You Can't Do With A Prius?"

Best of dub
Sally and Peggy chug a few cold ones to loosen their inhibitions, as the car races feverishly to the Allisonville Nursery.

Best of steve o
If you can pick up multiple babes with a Subaru, lite beer, and you don't even have enough room in the car itself -- you are da MAN!

Best of Submariner
Brenda slapped the idiot right off his moped when he asked if she had any Grey Poupon.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Proof that women use beer goggles too.

Baggin' It

Silhouette
1. Oh, for cryin' out loud. White shoes before Memorial Day?

2. Unfortunately, Nancy Pelosi clone organ bank will keep her alive well into the the twenty-second century.

3. Packing mail-order brides for shipping: UR DOIN IT WRONG!

4. The left tried to counter the "tea-bag" movement with its own "douche-bag" movement.

5. For formal occasions, Muslim women wear the white burqa.

So Best of Mr. Hankey it Disqualified All Other Yoko Ono based captions
After all of her projects consisted of people in bags, Yoko Ono was soon fired from Celebrity Apprentice.

Best of metalgarth
Soylent Marshmallows, another fine product from Nabisco

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Why do I feel like some Lindt white chocolate all of a sudden?

Best of Silhouette
Given her name, Helen had always wanted a Trojan-themed wedding.

Best of Viking04
Lost episode of Dr. Who. The Doctor and his companions foiled an invasion of Earth by the Saranwrapians.

Best of Nose
I don't mind the pointy shoes and the plastic isn't so bad once you get used to it, but this pole up my ass is killing me!

Best of steve o
French Special Forces prepare to take up positions outside Paris, but they don't want to be antagonistic about it.

Best of Submariner
The Secretary of State brings a slightly different "sack lunch" than most...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Joe Biden family queues up at a boarding gate enroute to what the White House bills as a perfectly safe and exciting post swine flu pandemic summer vacation.

Best of Mr. Right
Another new batch of Obamunists prepares to emerge from their "cuckoons."

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Stormee Daniels Does Not Hate Skeletor

Matt the Kostume


Wicked Best of Rodney Dill
Grip Reamer

Best of GregMan
I just made a campaign donation - IN MY PANTS

Best of metalgarth
Cinemax presents "Skeletor and The Mighty Orbs of Power"

Best of Tim
Skeletor's twin sister is actually a lesbian

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Larry Flynt remakes THE SEVENTH SEAL.

Best of Mr. Hankey
It's about time Skeletor does something constructive with She-Ra instead of just throwing her in the dungeon.

Best of steve o
"It'll be alright. I'm gay. Just look at my costume!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Alan Colmes was desperate enough to try anything to raise his ratings.

Best of paul
Only two things are certain in life... Death and Tits. I mean Taxes.

Best of Keninnorcal
California is so broke, Maria Shriver is hiring herself out as a hand bra.

Best of jeff
Skeletor's facebook entry just squeaked past the censors...

Miss Tuning

Jack Bauer



Best of Viking04
Next, we will see Jim wrestle the wild Cameltoe to the ground. This is Marlin Perkins for Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Best of ochagirl
"I, like, bought this, like, CAR in, you know, pink cuz it's my favorite color in, like, the WHOLE world. I feel like I'm such a good person cuz I know buying this car will, like, help kill breast cancer. Cancer is totally bad, and cancer of the boobs is way worse, cuz where would the world be without women? I mean, duh!"

Best of dub
The crowd stood by in horror as Julia proclaimed "fisting is for amateurs...watch what I can do with a Cadillac!"

Sports Titillated

Semper Gumby


Best of sixdegreesofblondness
Hunting season opened with the successful catch of a two-pointer.

Best of Oiao
Note: Breasts not built to scale.

Best of Kaptain Krude
CAR WASH....UR DOIN IT...well, you know what, it's wrong, but still right, you know?

Best of Viking04
Sir Elton John dashed outside shrieking, "GET THAT NASTY THING OFF OF MY CAR!"

Best of Submariner
Junior hired her as an incentive for his pit crew, and dropped his average stop time by 2.34 seconds.

Best of Keninnorcal
MSRP: $72,000
With accessories shown: $4,072,000

Best of dub
What a great test drive. The acceleration is amazing and the car corners like its on rails....but why does it burn when I pee now?

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I Don't Want to Know

Brender 1. "This isn't Folsom Street! This is no where near Folsom Street. Damn it, I told you not to take that left turn at Albuquerque."

2. "Vermont or New Hampshire? Vermont or New Hampshire?" Choosing a wedding location gets ever more difficult.

3. Ang Lee holds a casting call for Brokeback Watchmen.

4. "So, would you say I'm more of a twink, or a bear?"

5. The Enumclaw S&M Club reenacts the signing of the Declaration of Independence.


Best of Viking04
The 'Masks of Destruction' had to win the Tag Team Deathmatch and drive straight to Ms. Medelbright's house for the duet recital. Curiously enough, the costumes didn't clash when they played Grieg's 'In the Hall of the Mountain King'.

Best of dub
Yes, please become familiar with the McDonalds hot plate...you'll be seeing it a lot in your long term career.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Gee, Dave, who'd have thought we'd still be going to Kiss festivals thirty years later?"

Best of steve o
The Flaming Destructor and Backdoor Avenger pick out countertops for their new apartment in DC.

Best of dadoctah
Throttleslob and Slammenpuss look on in disgust at their poor showings in the "most-frequently-chosen Pokemon" derby.

Best of The Man
Mango and Thresh enjoyed the finer things in life: Walks on the beach, a good Merlot, and the sound of smashing classic works of arts over their opponents heads.

Best of Matt the K
Parent / teacher meeting day for Strongbad's folks.

Best of curly
Griddle Griddle on the wall,
Who's swine flu infested, illegal alien exporting, near bankrupt third world nation is the saddest of them all?

Best of Submariner
When did Dolly Parton start the wras'lin' career?

Best of mklasing
Gay Porn Title: "XXX Men: Bondage Boy meets Flamer Face"

Best of Army of Dad
Mexicans can't get American lingo down, this is not 'getting all up in somone's grill'.

Best of Adjustah
I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Dog The Bounty Hunter

Corky Enjoys Chinese Democracy

Metalgarth
1. ORA: "Is that Retard Rock?" "Yeah, Man." "Well, Turn it up, man!"

2. Unfortunately, Corky lost out to Jason the Compulsive Masturbator in the 'Best Impression of Chris Matthews listening to an Obama Speech' Competition.

3. Forcing terrorists to listen to John Tesh for 38 straight hours was very effective until John McCain decided it was "torture."

4.What kind of person gets excited over a temporary $8 a week tax loan? Here you go.

5. The "I'm an iPod/I'm a Zune" campaign got off to a rough start.

Best of metalgarth
He said "Conservatives are dingleberries".... huh, huh, huh, huh. Beavis, I told you to quit listening to Air America. Now I hafta kick your ass

Best of The Man
Hey Kobe - I'm open, dog

Best of GregMan
"Mwah-ah-ah. Mwuh? Mwuh! Buh-buh-buh. Een. Een! Eeen!"
Although he was severely retarded, Corky's ability to imitate the Obamessiah off TelePrompTer was astonishing.

Best of GregMan
We replaced Rachel Maddow on Air America with a complete retard. Let's see if anyone notices.

Best of mklasing
Having run out of ideas, TBS unveils its new reality series "Corky on Crack"

Best of Submariner
Uncle daddy! Uncle daddy! The ice cream man's here - can I get a Strawberry Shortcake?

Best of dadoctah
New technology allows talk-radio listeners to send ten thousand volts back through the headphones of any commentator they disagree with.
Danny Bonaduce was the first casualty.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Some guys really jam to the lead guitar section of "Ebony & Ivory".

Best of Viking04
Never ignore that electrical short in your vibrating butt plug.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

This better not be what it looks like


1. "And... um... then... um... compress the victim's chest. Oh, hi, dad, we were just, um, practicing CPR!"

2. "Dude, I don't want to demonstrate your trip to the bath house. I just wanna watch Futurama."

3. "Dude, for the last time, I'm not interested. Am I going to have to dislocate your other leg before this gets through to you?"

4. "Oh, noes, look where I just tripped and fell on accident!"

5. "It's not as kinky as doing it on a Greek column with a parasol, but it's not bad."

Best of metalgarth
Yeah we're big fans of High School Musical, why do you ask?

Best of The Man
billy realized pledging Gamma Alpha Upsilon was a bad, bad idea.

Best of dub
Dude, that is NOT the Wii controller!

Best of Adjustah
For Chrissakes! Will someone tell J.J. Abrams that Scotty and Bones never did this at Starfleet Academy!

Best of Jack Reacher
ORA: "Mr. Gutfeld! You're home early!"

Best of duke of red
Somewhere, Portnoy's complaining like a mother f*cker.

Best of Tim
after several attempts at modeling Justin and Zack just decided to cut the foreplay and have sex

Best of Keninnorcal
Michael Phelps latest scandal pics barely raised a yawn this time...although he did get more attention in the locker room...

Well, Fiddle Dee Dee...



1. Billy enjoyed a uniquely privileged position among Barney Frank's interns.

2. "Ma, you done spoiled that boy."

3. "Ah am expecting a gentleman caller..."

4. How Arlen Specter sees himself. Also, how the rest of the world sees Arlen Specter seeing himself.

5. Coming Out Party. You're doing it... (sigh) ... Wrong.

Best of curly
San Francisco's manliest white male Obama supporter joins the fan club.

Best of The Man
Frankly Mr. Sullivan, I don't give a damn

Best of molson
In tonight's episode of Real People With Short Life Spans, this gem goes for a stroll in a crowded Tehran market. Hang on to your burkas gents cause this one gets wild.

Best of Tim
Oddly enough Tony fit right in on the new season of "AxMen" on the history channel.

Best of dadoctah
"Can we hurry this along? I'd *really* like to catch my sister in the monster-truck pull."

Best of mega
Great. Now the gay lobby has taken over our Post Turtle metaphor too.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Mr. Olbermann, your teabagging consultant is here."

Best of Double the U
Mike and Angelo's David.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Another Misleading Craigslist Ad: "Tall blonde pole dancer available for discreet meeting with generous gentleman. Your picture gets mine."

Best of mpur
"No, dude, that's not gay at all!"
Bruce really needs to get new friends.

Pedantic Correction of Matt the K
Jamie's erotic Craigslist tagline: "Historic Dork Swaps Doric for Pork"

The column is Ionic, not Doric. No Best of for you..

Best of Matt the K (Salvaging Himself)
"Meet Austin Sommers, the Bi-Ionic Man"

Monday, May 04, 2009

Twirling, Twirling, Twirling Toward Genocide

Brender
1. "We got spirit! Yes we do! We got spirit! Kill the Jew!"

2. Gaza's Got Talent featured the kind of thing that made you long for fugly middle-aged overexposed English broads.

3. "Dammit, Fatima, if you blow the choreography one more time, I'm going to slice out the rest of your clitoris!"

4. "Y-M-M-A" was not a big hit for the 'Jihad People,' which, of course, was Israel's fault.

5. "Imam dub has issued a fetwah, and we must kill all the fat chicks."

Best of Viking04
The Gaza City Players rehearse for their production of SEVEN BRIDES FOR ONE BROTHER.

Best of dub
We got spirit yes we do, we got *KABOOOOOOM*

Best of metalgarth
Hold up your Guns/Stick out your tush/Hands on your trigger/Give it a push/You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake/Voila!

Best of mega
The Gaza Shahid Dance Company's rendition of Cosi Fan Tutti explored the timeless issues of faithfulness, loyalty, and Jew-killing.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Bin Laden Dancers performing "Hava Nagila"

Best Army of Dad
Can you believe they wore white to their own stoning?

Best of Kaptain Krude
Too much mincing, not enough prancing!