Thursday, April 30, 2009

Gisele at the Beach

Army of Mom

1. Gynecology Today prepares its annual Swimsuit Issue.

2. CSI: Malibu is hot on the trail of the Bikini Taxidermist Serial Killer.

3. Science persists in the elusive quest to photograph a queef.

4. "So, in terms of my queefs, what has surprised, enchanted, or troubled you the most?"

5. The way one photographer likened this to 'Aerial Photography of the Grand Canyon' was just plain rude.

Best of dub
How the hell did Rob Schneider get invited??

Best of Jack Reacher
"You're going to have to stretch a little farther and suck it in, or Dub will never buy the magazine."

Best of Jay Guevara
Guy on the left: "Oooh, look at the pecs on Barack."

Best of Matt the K
Ramon on the left is still searching for that special guy who will appreciate him for his shortest of shorts.

Best of sonicfrog
Bored to tears during his stint as Gisele's body guard, Richard Simmons spots Simon LeBon just across the bay.

Denise Richards Funbags

Divine Miss M

Thursdays Not Good Enough 4 Ya?




Best of metalgarth
and every 28 days it becomes "sunday, bloody sunday"

Best of Army of Dad
Cutesy waitress names go too far sometimes as demonstrated by Shirley Temple, Pink Lemonade, and Bloody Mary.

Best of dub
Great....like I dont masturbate too much in church as is.

Best of Army of Dad
Kelly McGillis opens a new bar.

Best of steve o
The 11 o'clock service is a LOT more laid back than the 8:30.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Waiting for the Lightworker

Brender

1. Three more kids dropped dead of swine flu just from looking at the 8:27 a.m. post.

2. Two hours into Obama's speech... "... and then, on the 4th day of my administration."

3. Little noticed in the hype of the "Swine Flu Epidemic," numerous outbreaks of "Grasping Ennui."

4. Due to a Teleprompter glitch, Chairman Zero's audience was forced to listen to him repeat the phrase "System Reset" with great conviction over and over again for forty-five minutes.

5. "This is lamest 'Lesbian Wedding Field Trip' yet."

Best of Jay Guevara
Kid with flag over his face: "God, never ask Obama a question that he has to answer off the cuff!"

Best of flyovercountry
The kids didn't really understand why their parents gave them American and Mexican flags to wave at the Obama speech, but the parents understood that within four years, it will be just like living in Mexico.

Best of Jack Reacher
The boys suddenly realized that they each bore $83,000 of the national debt.

Best of dadoctah
"Hey, I know what let's do! Let's go beat up on some Canadian kids!"

Best of GregMan
What the hell, just buzz 'em with Air Force One. That'll wake the little bastards up.

Best of Silhouette
Maybe international competitive knitting wasn't the best choice for a spectator sport.

Best of mpur
Oh, man! Are you seriously telling us that all it takes to close the border with Mexico is a velvet rope?

Best of Army of Mom
Dude, this X you scored for us is awesome. This rope is sooooooo soft!

Best of Matt the K
After the latest failed ad campaign, the Mexico Department of Tourism begrudgingly decided to portray the siesta crowd in the traditional pancho and sombrero getups.

Best of mega
"....and I need you to go out and get in their faces, and when you see those bitter right wing flag-wavers, glue their heads to the nearest rope-line, and..."

Dub's Nightmare

Army of Mom

1. Bill didn't mind getting stuck with Hillary's rejects. Not really.

2. Retaining water: Three Gorges Dam edition.

3. "Ma'am, could you move a couple of city blocks to the left? You're obstructing my view of Futurama."

4. Who knew House of Dolls had a plus-sized department?

5. In this version, she uncrosses her legs and a sandwich falls out.

Best of jeff
When S&M doesn't need leather...
(muffled voice) "Get off my face! Get off my faaaace!"

Best of metalgarth
Biggest Loser is not her favorite show, it's the dude stuck with her grocery bill

Best of Jack Reacher
"Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? I mean, thanks, but no thanks. It ain't happening."

Best of Rodney Dill
In this version she uncrosses her legs and Jerry Mathers falls out.

Best of Army of Dad
Apparently, in this version the basic instinct is to not boink the suspect.

Best of metalgarth
Hugh Hefner and Nintendo present "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" for the Wii

Best of dadoctah
In keeping with the "reimagining" theme, the Wayne Knight role will be played by Tobey Maguire.

Best of Rodney Dill
Sharon Twenty Stone

Best of Julie the Jarhead
This'll send Kelly McGillis back into the closet.

Best of dub
Sharon Stone's lesser known cousin, Barbara Boulder.

Best of Matt the K
Aha!...When she uncrossed her legs, an icepick fell out. And an ice chest, an ice sculpture, and a frozen baby mastodon.

Best of steve o
Also loves Sundaes.

Best of mega
Tatanka!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Something Else for the Ladies

SnowSnake
1. Just when the judges thought it couldn't get worse, he announced his song choice was "I'm a Little Teapot."

2. Burt cruised to an easy victory when he answer Perez Hilton's question about his position on gay marriage with, "Meet my in my dressing room and I'll show it to you."

3. The runner-up in the How Big Is Hillary's Ass competition was beaten out by a Lowland gorilla with Marfan's Syndrome.

4. *That* Jean-Luc Picard simply said to the Cardassians, "Four lights, five lights, who cares? Introduce me to that magnificent stud in the red and white speedos and I'll tell you whatever you want to know."

5. If it happens at GITMO, it's torture. When it happens in front of a national broadcast audience, it's entertainment. I just don't get the left.

Best of CO of Fort Housewife
"Are you not entertained?"
*throws down sword*

Best of Capt. Queeg
"♫ I dreamed a dreeeaaamm..♫" - Folsom Street's Got Talent

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Yeah, I'm a flasher, so what? My son's a Bergen County Sheriff!

Best of metalgarth
Watch me pull a rabbit out of my...

Best of molson
Mein eyes! They burn!

Best of Andy
"I AM, I SAID! I AM, SAID I!"

Best of dadoctah
Everyone was a little surprised when they found out the direction Susan Boyle's makeover had taken.

Best of racerboy
"It's really easy, you can all sing along if you want. 'So I saaaay I gotta be freeee....So I say I gotta be meeeeee!'"

Best of robert
♫ I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity. Any girl who isn't me tonight...♫

Best of Jack Reacher
Organizers tried everything to increase attendance at Bingo Night, including semi-clad number-callers.

Best of mega
Sure, there was a time when Steyn could grab the mic and talk about global jihad and instantly get everyone's attention, without the stripping part.

Best of Matt the K
Chuck Norris has *really* let himself go.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Principal Littlefield really hated losing those bets made by his students. This one, however, made him feel strangely... liberated.

Best of Adjustah
Please. Please. Please. Would somebody turn on Futurama?

Oh, *That* Jean-Luc Picard

Racerboi

Monday, April 27, 2009

Army of Mom Wanted Something for Teh Ladies


1. Colleagues are still baffled over Andrew Sullivan's unexpected New Jersey crime spree.

2.Moobs... you're doing them just fine. Just fine.

3. And then, Lt. Dangle woke up

4. I have know idea who this guy is but could he please, please kick Perez Hilton's ass.

5. COPS is filmed on location... in my pants!

Best of GregMan
"You are under arrest for being way too fabulous!"

Best of Army of Dad
Now I know why AoM didn't want me to bail her out right away...

Best of Army of Dad
Don't taze me, homo!

Best of sonicfrog
All I need now is a bottle of cheap shiraz, some Little Debbie Star Crunches, a rabbit, a picnic table, and I'm ready to go!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Odds are he's packing testicles the size of raisins and is one stint of injury-related desk duty away from manboobs rivaling Dolly Parton's.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Officer Krupke smiles when he asked directions to the gun show.

Best of divine miss m
Shhhh, he thinks I'm 28 and was in a Whitesnake video.

Best of lawhawk
Oh look. He's got a big house in Hackensack, ack ack ack.

Best of dadoctah
"I said 'book him, Danno'. What on earth did you *think* I said?"

Whacking Day


1. "And just when they're feeling good about their $8 a week tax reduction, I whack them in the ass with $4,000 a year in cap and trade taxes."

2. Chairman Bam-Bam now packs a mini-teleprompter to help him on occasions when he is supposed to be "off-the-cuff."

3. "Normally, yes, we would be out in the country for this. But today, we're hunting urban Snipes Mr. President."

4. "Ah, yes... this takes me back to my 'community organizer' days. Nothing like the crack of a bat against a Korean grocer's skull, is there?"

5. All right, who's the wise guy who programmed 'Dance like Mr. Bojangles' into the Teleprompter?

Best of Viking04
In an attempt to garner support in Arlen, TX, BHO emulates "Paddling Peggy".

Best of dub
Auditions for the new Fruit Of The Loom grapes were going according to plan.

Best of dub
It takes two men to spank Michelle's ass during foreplay.

Best of Army of Dad
...do the electric slide.

Best of dadoctah
"This is never going to work. We still need one more Pip."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Forget 'water-boarding'...Obama shows 'em how they do it in Chicago.

Best of jeff
Forget it guys - Sammy Davis Jr. and Gregory Hines both did it better.

Best of prince of leaves
"And if it pokes its head out and starts hissing, you just pop it one -- BAM! -- like so." Hillary's chief of staff gives President Obama whack-a-clenis lessons.

Best of molson
And if you follow through just right, you can actually feel the skull cave in.

Best of mpur
Wow. Is there nothing Obama can't do like he was in the Special Olympics?

Deal or No Deal

AM 42

1. "Genuine Rolex, your holiness. Only $15."

2. Master salesman Rick Savitch not only sold the pope cufflinks, but made him a great deal on a double bed.

3. "Hey, check out the roof behind you, the Cardinals are going to start crowd surfing."

4. "Yo, my man, that is some fly-ass bling, yo!"

5. "Awesome! The Iron Cross and the Poland Campaign medal! My collection of Third Reich memorabilia will be complete at last!"

Best of metalgarth
No, I don't need an extended warranty for the Popemobile so quit f--king asking

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ah... the holy hand grenade of Antioch."

Best of Nose
...but when you snapped it closed on my hand like Richard did to Julia, that was divine!

Best of Matt the K
Pfffffftttttt! I told eem, we've already GOT one!!!

Best of Chrees
Yes your holiness...it insures you can play any format DVD.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Dude...you're screwing with me here!! That's not an ounce!!

Best of Tim
the Pope picks out silver butt plugs for the alter boys

Best of Army of Dad
Your eminence, will you bless my cock ring? It is only for use with my wife.

Best of GregMan
"How nice, a present from President Soetero. Unfortunately I already have a keychain."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Is it just me, or does that building in the background spell 'IEI'?" Dr. Robert Langdon picks up another clue in the Da Vinci Code.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Are they real Cubans

Best of jeff
It's very pretty Governor Richardson - but absolution isn't pay-to-play.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

WC Fields Was So Right

Army of Mom

1. "Oh, look. The dog is imitating mommy and the mailman."

2. "Oh, look. The dog is imitating daddy and the pool boy."

3. "Oh, look. The dog is imitating the Democrat congress and the American taxpayer."

4. "Oh, look. The dog is imitating Obama and the last remaining vestiges of our freedom and security."

5. "You know, I think we should worry less about the dogs screwing and more about the thermonuclear device our neighbors the Abdulkamelfakahrs just detonated in their attic."

Best of prince of leaves
Duck-'n-Cover, meet Bone-n-Rover.

Best of Submariner
Somebody's had too many "Puppy Uppers" haven't they kids?

Best of mega
"Mommy....mommy! Look! The PETA van missed two dogs in this neighborhood! Can we keep them?"

Best of Jack Reacher
The little-known sect, ridiculed for its belief that two dogs humping in a driveway was a sign of the Rapture, was eventually vindicated.

Best of metalgarth
9 months later little Cindy asked her mommy, "why did the Indian people accross the street name their baby 'two dogs fucking'?"

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Marley & Me - The Uncut Version"

Best of Mr. Hankey

Best of Army of Dad
Lassie tries to warn them about creepy man who kidnapped Timmy.

Best of Double the U
I can't get one decent picture of you kids without Billy making a face, Suzy acting like a drama queen or the damn dogs F'ing.

Keep Looking I'm Sure You'll Find It


1. "OK, I got the Star Crunches, I got the red wine, I got the condoms. What did I forget? Oh, yeah... the girl!"

2. "Oh, God, please, if you're out there, please help cure me of my compulsive masturbating."

3. The last thing Billy remembered was Barney Frank saying, "Here, have some Kool-Aid," then waking up on a picnic table at a rest stop in Worcester.

4. Billy had a ways to go in learning the manly art of the discreet Minor Penile Adjustment (or MPA).

5. After that incident, Billy was never forced to attend a family picnic again.
Best of Jack Reacher
A scene from the Al Bundy Summer Camp.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Okay, concentrate...Jeanene Garofalo? Nope, I get nothing. Chelsea Clinton? Nada. Maureen Dowd? Ooops, just threw up a little bit of Star Crunch in my mouth on that one."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You know it's cheap booze when Little Debbie turns you on.

Best of Buzzhead
What? You didn't know that Star Crunches are an auto-erotic aphrodisiac?

Best of metalgarth
10 minutes after putting Ceiling Cat to the test, a giant claw came slashing and Billy learned what the word 'smite' meant

Best of dadoctah
All of us are lying in the gutter; some of us are looking at the stars; and a select few of us are all engorged and tingly.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Playing Neil Diamond music affects different people in different ways.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Pile Driver

Ed Moran
1. The cruel part is how I always set up "where will you be when your laxative kicks in" pics, and then Best of any of them. But what did you expect, I'm Hitler.

2. I know that look. Turnip and potato queefs are the worst.

3. Notice how a woman's erogenous zone repulses him. He's a professional figure skater all right.

4. The Indian Olympic Ice Dancing Team incorporates all 58 positions of the Kama Sutra into their routine.

5. Dear Sterling-Cooper, Be advised that Lady Bic Shavers is not happy with the new ad direction, and your services will no longer required.

Best of Army of Dad
I guess he gets that no so fresh smell sometimes too.

Best of Army of Dad
ORA: He'll flip you, flip you for real.

Best of mpur
Sean Penn's "Queef" wasn't as well received as "Milk".

Best of Viking04
Your...Hair...Clip...Is...

Best of GregMan
ORA: "My God, it's full of stars!"

Best of Submariner
Apparently, dingleberries disgust Leonid...

Best of dub
This is a nice visualization of the Obama administration policies. Sure, they look nice...but they smell like shit.

Best of molson
In this season of Deadliest Catch, the fleet pursues Alaskan king clam.

Best of Matt the K
Suprisingly, "Bring Me the Twat of Alfredo Garcia's Daughter" was actually a decent sequel.

Best of Adjustah
I just don't get where they're going with Kirk and Spock in the new movie...

Best of Buzzhead
This is certainly a new twist on baby delivering techniques.

Best of Rodney Dill
Confucius say, woman who skate upside down have crack up.

Best of CO of Fort Housewife
Man, Matthew McConaughey must be pretty desperate for work.

Just when you thought I'd hit bottom...


1. Thumper... No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

2. Bigfoot and Thumper became one of Hollywood's gay power couples, but only after bigfoot converted to Orthodox Judaism.

3. One other thing you didn't see at any of the tea party protests.

4. Food tampering at the Road Kill Cafe.

5. Well, according to the sign, nothing is forbidden, so go for it!

Best of Rodney Dill
The rabbit scene from Full Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Best of Matt the K
"Ehhhh... What's up, c*ck?"

Best of metalgarth
Ang Lee presents Peter Cottontail

Best of GregMan
Bugs Bunny not only talked the talk, he walked the walked where gay marriage was concerned.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Buggers Bunny"

Best of Army of Dad
Little bunny foo foo I don't want to see you doing that ever again!

Best of Army of Mom
A young Hagrid demonstrates how he prepares for his Care of Magical Creatures lessons.

Best of sonicfrog
And here is a picture of Ted Kacynski during his fun loving early years, before his hatred of modernity turned him into a real jerk.

Best of Chrees
Watership (Goes) Down

Best of racerboy
Does spooge stick to your fur?
No, why?

Best of Matt the K
Josiah was shunned by the Amish community of Intercourse, PA, and forced to live in Bestiality Woods on the outskirts of town..

Best of prince of leave
It was at about this point in Viggo Mortensen's "The Road" that most moviegoers got up and walked out.

Best of prince of leaves
Wow, Charles Darwin's looking pretty ripped these days.

Best of kg
With a little blue pill, it keeps going and going and going.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Did Someone Ask for Kate Beckinsale?



Best of duke of red
"Eww, gross." sighed Perez Hilton, Sully, and Barney Frank in unison.

Best of The Man
If I wanted a picture of a skank in fishnets, I would have gone to VtheK's site on Thur...oh nevermind.

Best of Nose
"Lionel Richie is a f@$#'in liar! Dancing on the ceiling sucks!"

Best of Matt the K
Kate likes it cold, hard, and dirty. I'm talking about her floor, people!!

Best of Viking04
Though her technique for drywall finishing was unique, Kate never lacked for work, even with the current downturn in construction.

Best of dadoctah
Contents may have shifted during handling.

What the Butler Saw



Best of Viking04
Another Craigslist 'massage therapist'

Best of The Man
Former Governor Spitzer is busy looking into legal briefs...I mean barely legal briefs.

Best of dadoctah
That has to be the highest doorknob I've seen in my life!

Hot Rike Kimchi

Jack Bauer


Best of metalgarth
George Takei's doppleganger was only subtly different that the original.

Best of The Man
The North Korean auto show was just like the one in the South, except the cars don't work and the models beg you for food.

Best of Army of Dad
The salesman continues "...like most women she will open her mouth for you if you buy her large shiny presents."

Best of Viking04
Though she tried and tried, Bambi could only remember four letters of the alphabet at a time.

Best of prince of leaves
Despairing over her slave-like status, Fembot #98734-523 would repeatedly switch herself off in the closest approximation of suicide her programming allowed.

Best of Army of Mom
The odd angle of Deep Space 9 had wonderful effects on Keiko's cup size.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

$38,000 a Year for This?

Looking at the Left


1.Obama's Economic Policy Team takes a break from writing new banking regulations.

2. Gavin Newsom assembles some of San Francisco's finest minds to run his Gubernatorial campaign.

3. Unlike the Tea Partiers, no one missed work to attend the 420 Legalization protests.

4. One smart conservative kid made over $140,000 dollars selling Doritos at this event.

5. In alternate Universe 893, socialists organize parties to protest President Romney's tax cuts and deficit reduction. (Sigh).

Best of Army of Dad
New anti-drugs ads zoomed in on the woman on the left. These are your cankles on cannabis, any questions?

Best of Rodney Dill
It was inevitable that ACORNS focus would begin to wander

Best of Matt the K
Michael Phelps' new swim coaches kill some time waiting for the limo outside the natatorium.

Best of metalgarth
Rumor has it, these were all 'professional' protesters and were each paid 1 bag of Doritos, 6 White Castles, 3 Tacos and a 2 liter of Mountain Dew

Best of Mr. Hankey
They're only protesting because we have a black president and they are racist white supremists.

Best of Submariner
I just love standing outside the Faculty Lounge door at breaktime on UC Berkeley.

Best of prince of leaves
Anderson Cooper: "Unlike the dozens of racist rednecks who showed up across the country to teabag last Wednesday, tens of thousands attended rallies like this in support of sucking on giant white tubes with glowing-hot red ends...now that's a cause I could sympathize with."

Best of Van Helsing
When the weather's nice, CU moves the Faculty Lounge outdoors.

Best of mpur
I see the dimebaggers are protesting again.

Best of mklasing
Despite their valiant efforts, the State Legislature refused to re-legalize those stupid looking fanny packs.

Best of dadoctah
It's official. The sixties are truly, definitely, *irrevocably* over.

Best of ochagirl
The professors at Berkeley took their students outside for the lab portion of their Groovy Substances 420 class.

Shaken Not Stirred

SnowSnake
1. Another day, another AIG Bonus party.

2. Responding to Chairman Zero's call for a (snort) massive budget cut, the Department of Energy considered eliminating "Giant Champagne Brunch Wednesdays," but then decided not to.

3. The Japanese fetish for elaborate toilets apparently knows no boundaries.

4. Because of the recession, most companies down-sized their booths at the International Plumbing Convention... but not the Kohler pavillion.

5. I don't know whether this is Hillary's gift to Bill, or Bill's gift to Hillary... and I'm not sure it matters.

Best of dub
Shelly auditions for the role of Water Dancer, while an impressed Peter North watches from below.

Best of Matt the K
In Russia, champagne glass drinks you!

Best of curly
Camille the exotic dancer's idea of a "rim job" was somewhat different then mine.

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Life's been good to Veronica Hamel since Hill Street Blues.

Best of Rodney Dill
Always loved a dirty martini

Best of The Man
For Obama's birthday, Chris Matthews thought he'd would like something smoking in a bowl
(or something like that).

Best of Army of Dad
I think I would prefer to stuff Olive myself.

Best of Submariner
Just call me "pimento" cuz I'll be stuffing into Olive tonight...

Best of steve o
The annual Christmas party at the Illinois Tollway Authority was still just as rowdy as ever.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The National Urology Association's annual fête grows tackier each year... though many members prefer to say it's almost tasteless.

Butt Cam

Army of Mom

1. "OMG! That is SO the pattern I want for the tile in the guest bathroom. I simply *MUST* have a picture of it."

2. "A joystick? Pinball doesn't have a joystick? How could she play with your joystick? You're just silly, dad."

3. Gallant offers to push in her stool. Goofus also offers to push in her stool.

4. "OMG, the *HEELS* too. I *MUST* have a pic of those *FABULOUS* heels!"

5. Despite years of indoctrination by the public schools and the media, Kyle didn't give a hot damn about her opinion on gay marriage.

Best of Viking04
Amber gloried in her ceremonial garb after she was queened 'Fastest little home wrecker' in Union, SC

Best of Viking04
After her deep cover as an operative of the vast Right-wing conspiracy was nearly blown, to protect her life, Bela Abzug faked her own death and underwent the most extensive reconstructive surgery in the history of medical science.

Best of Army of Dad
That deaf dumb and blonde chick sure plays a mean pin ball.

Best of Army of Dad
A young dub protege will be making that same face later on with the bathroom door locked.

Best of dub
Hey look, my phone has a Futurama background picture!

Best of dub
Julio, stop staring at the fans and get back to work detailing that truck!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Gaytar Queero


1. The Democrat Caucus retreat immediately passed a resolution to never put Barney Frank in charge of entertainment again.

2. Steve Martin would later abandon the nudity and swap the guitar for a banjo. The bunny ears would remain part of his stand-up act throughout the seventies, though.

3. Billy didn't get to go to Los Angeles, but Ryan Seacrest did invite him for a 'private audition' at his estate in Malibu.

4. He was doing great until Perez Hilton called him a "dumb b!tch."

5. Why Army of Mom thought this was appropriate entertainment for a 9 year old's birthday party I'm not sure I wanna know.

Best of jeff
Basic misunderstanding - he thought Little Bunny Foo-Foo was Rockin' the field mice in their heads...

Best of Viking04
I got into UNC-Chapel Hill! YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Best of molson
In the next episode of "Real People with Short Lifespans", we're going to Texas. Just wait until we spring this one on an unsuspecting biker bar outside of Houston.

Best of Rodney Dill
...and now in the key of Gay-flat

Best of metalgarth
Considering how many people have been in an out of Guns N' Roses since the mid 1990s, I'd say this guy still has a better than average chance of getting the gig

Best of Army of Dad
"Good night Neverland Ranch, you rock!"

Best of Army of Mom
So, then, Mrs. Robinson said if I wanted extra credit to show up in her back yard wearing only my sneakers, bunny ears and my guitar.

Best of Jay Guevara
Pretty good Rahm Emanuel impression.

Best of Rodney Dill
Welease Bawabbit

Best of Jack Reacher
Keith Urban shows sure were different pre-rehab.

Best of Jay Guevara
Everybody who is clapping to keep Tinkerbell alive...knock it off!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Though rejected by Leno, Jeffery likes his chances once Conan lowers standards another notch.

Best of Capt. Queeg
Twink182

Best of Mr. Hankey
The "Free Credit Report.com" guy is realy pissed this time.

The Picture That Killed the Tattoo Fad



1. Bertha, the Littlest Bull Dyke, proudly displays her love for Sailor Moon.

2. ORA: Robert Conrad's dyke grand-daughter was one battery short of a smoke alarm.

3. Meghan McCain shows off her new ink, then announces that Republicans suck.

4. And George Will is worried about... dungarees.

5. "And she can tune a Harley like nobody's business..." Ellen DeGeneres like to brag about her and Portia's daughter.

Best of Matt the K
I'm not sure if the T-shirt reads 'HARVARD' or 'RETARD'. Most likely the latter.

Best of Viking04
Cool, it doesn't show below the sleeve roll, so I can still draw recruiter duty..score.

Best of Army of Dad
Oh no, Tommy I'm sure you will be just fine in prison.

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
"Oh... This? Just a fairy kneeling at the ready, in a puddle of her own excrement."

Best of GregMan
Some Pibgorn fans just go way overboard.

Best of dadoctah
"No, dear, I don't think it makes you look less feminine. Being built like Paul Blart Mall Cop makes you look less feminine."

Best of metalgarth
Todd Flanders lasheses out in his own way at the death of his mother

Best of Jack Reacher
Well, however she paid for that tattoo, it obviously wasn't from saving her lunch money.

Monday, April 20, 2009

GET TO DA CHOPPAH!

Brender
1. "And your share of the porkulus, in small bills, would fill this entire canyon..."

2. "Governor, I know your feelings toward Obama have changed since the election, but scouting out locales for a honeymoon villa is just weird."

3. "Since your can't hear me over the rotorblades without earphones anyway, you stupid prick, let me add you're a frakking RINO poseur and you suck, suck, suck!"

4. "OK, governor, we'll finish the photo op and fly back to Sacramento. Then, you can hop on your Gulfstream and fly back to L.A. for the Global Warming conference."

5. "Don't worry, Governor. Your approval numbers... they're just fine. You remain popular and widely supported ... free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment."

Best of Army of Dad
You vill drain dat pond, ja? Maria's cousins can't drive aroudn vater.

Best of Viking04
Governor, if you will look out the window, you will see a patch of desert as bare and sun-baked as your forehead.

Best of curly
"There he is, Governor -- the last white tax payer is fleeing the state."

Best of flyovercountry
Governor, I must tell you that these daily missions looking for Predator is costing the state millions. You do know that is was only a movie, don't you?

Best of mklasing
"Right here along this fault line is where we can cut California loose from the rest of the Country-and then, you can be President.

Best of GregMan
"There MUST be something out here we haven't taxed yet!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"If Obama did speak Austrian, you guys would have a lot to talk about, wouldn't you? Huh?"

Best of mega
"No, seriously, governor, this IS California. Everyone moved out."

Best of Double the U
It does look authentic Arnold, and if we can make Barack Obama President, we can make you President also.

Best of Submariner
Little Known Entertainment Industry Facts: The Governator had one guest spot on WKRP where he gave away Thanksgiving turkeys at a shopping mall. Hilarity ensued.

Best of steve o
Contingency plans in California include invading Arizona.

Secret Commie Handshake

Brender & Gregory of Yardale
1. "Wonder Commie Powers... Activate. Shape of: Hero of the Proletariat! Form of, Che Guevara!"

2. "Your hands are so soft, so feminine... you make me wet." The creepy part was how they said it in perfect unison.

3. "If you know a better way of exchanging long protein strands, I'd like to hear it."

4. "May I, um, jerk off your thumb. It's always been a, um, fantasy of mine."

5. "Thank you for shutting down domestic oil exploration, Comrade President. I didn't know *how* we were going to pay for all those revolutions we're financing throughout the hemisphere. You really saved my fat gigantic ass! Oh, and also thanks for the 'Ugly Betty Season 1 DVDs.'"


Best of dbar1918
Say, I've seen this documentary. When does President Hindenburg die?

Best of Viking04
Comrade, it could only be better if Anderson Cooper were here to be the pivot man.

Best of GregMan
Someone in the crowd yelled "Hey comrade!", and they both turned around and said "Yes?"

Best of Army of Dad
Hugo: "I have never been proud of your country before now!"

Best of curly
"President Obama! Let me shake the hand that shook the hand of Bill Ayers."

Best of flyovercountry
Congratulations Comrade Obama, less than 100 days in office and you are well on your way to ruining your great country. Of course, I ruined mine in 75 days.

Best of dub
Here's the church....here's the steeple...open and the doors and there's all the socialist idiots that would vote an unquallified and inexperienced person into office only because he can speak real pretty when on a teleprompter.

Best of Jay Guevara
"It's a deal, Hugo. You can start mowing the White House lawn first thing next week."

Best of Jack Reacher
"And you say Palmolive dishwashing detergent does that? Amazing."

Best of steve o
"Yes, Mr. President, thank you for diplomatic gift of unmarked, non-sequential portraits of American Presidents...

Best of mega
"And this is the Mod Squad handshake, a way for cool, multicultural people to greet." Obama, as always, was unable to resist a Teachable Moment.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Horror, OMG, the Horrible Horror

Al

1. 4,000 articulate, intelligent patriots show up at Tea Party, and CNN interviews these two.

2. What happens at Don Imus's ranch, stays at Don Imus's ranch.

3. "Welcome to Vermont!"

4. The most insulting part about DHS's report on the dangers of "right-wing" groups was the cover illustration.

5. "We got company, Earl. Break out the Châteauneuf-du-Pape Vigne du Régent 2005."

Best of Tim
The Gods of Light and Knowledge prefer a rustic existance

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Hall & Oates reunion tour got off to a rocky start.

Best of curly
Bartles and James have really let themselves go.

Best of Jack Reacher
Wow, Warren Beatty and John Larroquette have really let themselves go.

Best of jj
Anderson Cooper and David Gergen relax after a hard day at the studio.

Best of Oiao
Who'da thunk these two would have gotten em'sleves caught up in the sub-prime mess too.

Best of Double the U
Jeez, Terry Jones and Michael Palin have really let themselves go.

Best of metalgarth
Beavis I told you to get a shirt that covers your gut. No I hafta kick your ass

Best of Rodney Dill
Jeff Foxworthy's muses

Best of Matt the K
In a cruel and strange irony, Scott Bakula leaped into a different socio-economic strata. Check out his new 'Al'...

Best of dadoctah
Worst. Lawn gnomes. Evar.

Best of GregMan
"Squeel like a whut?"

Best of steve o
Things you won't overhear in conversation:

- Duct tape won't fix that.
- Checkmate.
- Oh hell, she's just 16 -- I couldn't.
- Tats just don't look good on some people.
- Nietzsche may have been inspired by Schopenhauer, but he wasn't limited by him.
- No thanks, I have to drive.
- I'll have an Appletini, please.
- Pouvez-vous recommander un vin rouge compliqué avec les notes terreuses?
- I just got home from the gym.
- Nawwww, she's too fat for me.
- Of course you may use my Scrabble dictionary.
- Only the police should own guns.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Luis Fernandez, World's Most Incompetent Auto Detailer

Steve O
1. GM's plant in Tijuana was plagued by Quality Control Problems.

2. "Sorry for the sudden stop Miguel. You okay?"

3. Even in the 23rd Century, you don't want to use a Mexican transporter.

4. "What do you mean, we're here? I just got comfortable."

5. Well, when he finishes his cocoon, he'll hibernate for several months, and then a beautiful flamenco dancer will emerge.

Best of Army of Dad
Caution: Always exit your transformer BEFORE your transformer changes forms.

Best of dub
Introducing the new Chevy Vato. It seats 7, gets 24 mpg, and will make your lawn look fantastic!

Best of Mr. Hankey
Sally learns that her aborted fetus from 20 years ago wasn't lost and had simply fallen between the seat cushions.

Best of steve o
No, I'm not Corinthian.
I'm Mexican. Why do you ask?

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Hello, OnStar? You're not going to believe this."


Best of curly
Mexican superhero "CarSeatMan" is able to transform himself into a badly upholstered VW minibus captain's chair at will.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
Whoever had the idea of an ejector seat on the bottom level of a double-decker bus should have his head eximined.

Best of Rodney Dill
OJA:
220, 221, Whatever it takes.


Best of Matt the K
"So, you see, that's why they call them 'lazy boys'."

Affirmative Action Life Guard FAIL!

Silhouette
1. "Oh, crap... the souls of those I've wronged have returned to drag me into the lake of damnation... again."

2. The real reason Charles Widmore was exiled from the island... forgetting to seal the hatch on the submarine.

3. "Who wants candy?"

4. "So, the hands represent the public drowning in a sea of deficits and the befuddled old man represents... the government? the media? the international Jewish conspiracy? What?" --- Even Pat Oliphant's editors didn't understand what he was trying to say any more.

5. Earl would come to regret spending his vacation at Lake Zombie.

Best of Army of Dad
"Nope, none of them are Jesus either."

Best of metalgarth
Tim Burton and David Lynch present 'Aquaman'

Best of flyovercountry
Al Gore's vision of the world in 10 years. No more land, and everyone has gills, except John McCain, who likes to feed the very few who voted for him.

Best of dub
REPENT FOR THE WICKEDNESS THAT HAS BECOME YOUR LIFE! REPENT FOR BEING SICK INTERCOURSES! REPENT FOR TAKING THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN! REPENT FOR....FOR....uh oh, I think I just crapped my pants.

Best of Jack Reacher
"If this water level doesn't rise, everyone's gonna know what I did last summer."

Best of dadoctah
Dr Evil sends his three surviving genetic engineers in for one more try. This time, *someone* had better produce a shark with a frickin' laser beam on its head!

Best of prince of leaves
A disturbing scene from the new film of H.G. Wells' lost prequel, "The Quaint Lakeside Summer Cottage of Doctor Moreau".

Best of dub
World Record Bukkake...SUMTHIN LIKE THAT.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Goodbye, little buddy!"Finally, the Skipper decided the hell with everyone, stole the professor's raft, christened it Minnow2, caught a good wave and drifted away from that damned uncharted desert island as the others desperately tried to follow. The End.

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Simon Says...Stop Drowning. Ooooh Sally didn't stop drowning so she's out of the game."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"You damn punk kids get off my damn lawn!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Larry still had never decided between boxers and briefs, let alone who to save first.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Meanwhile, Back in the Pits




Best of Army of Dad
Congratulations on qualifying in pole position.

Best of Tim
The Transgender Auto Racers of America aka TARA work hard for their money

Best of Buzzhead
Is that the Danica Patrick fan club? I want to join.

Best of dub
Hey look, Team Futurama is racing!

Best of dadoctah
"Why yes ladies I am racing in the race because racing is what I do best coming from a racing family by the way have you met my brother Spritle and his monkey Chim-Chim?"

Best of Pendark
Ok...I'll say it...
Hold on, I've got a tool for that.

Best of mpur
ORA: And remember, with Rusteze (and an insane amount of luck) you too can look like me!

Red Hmmmph-Hmmph and Blue



Best of Army of Dad +
Oh shit, this will give Michele an idea for her next dress.

Best of jeff +
Hope she's not near any Palestinians with matches...

Best of GregMan +
Old Navy must have had a sale on flags.

ATDHE

Best of Army of Dad +
This revisionist history crap has got to go. There is no way Betsy Ross looked like that!

Best of Kaptain Krude +
As they used to say on Hee Haw, "Saaaaaaa-lute!"

Best of Submariner +
And some people asked Tom Jefferson "Why?"

Best of dub +
I dont get it...how is this picture supposed to sell maple syrup?

Best of curly +
"This is the only way that Obama can get it up. He said it makes him feel like he screwing the country."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Welcome to the Tea Party

AoSHQ


Best of Submariner
Aargh, matey; I be willin' ta teabag ya fer a doubloon...

Best of Jack Reacher
It must be cold out here; the lights in your Old North Church are showing, if you know what I mean.

Best of jj
Give Abigail some grog and she'll do anything.

Best of Rodney Dill
Dyslexic Doris never did get hang of 1337 5p34k

Best of The Man
Trihorn hats are so 1772

Best of Matt the K
Bob in the background wishes he would have qualified for the newer, less obtrusive brain shunts they have nowadays.

Best of dub
Hey look, Futurama is on my Blackberry.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"...marked down from 19.95!"

Jinkies

Army of Mom
1. "Hey, that's not Futurama!"

2. "I've got such a raging clue... Oh...seriously, I've got such a RAGING clue right now! I've got such a raging clue that I'm about shoot clue-goo!"

3. Despite her "room-mate's" best efforts, Velma fell into an ever-deepening funk, watching old videos of the gang, and sinking into a sloe-gin stupor... breaking only to watch Rachel Maddow and curse the "goddess-damned far-right f-cks" she blamed for her downfall.

4. Hey! This must be the one episode where they pulled off the mask and it wasn't Old Man Withers.

5. "... and I would have finished masturbating, too. If it hadn't been for you meddling kids!"

Double Super Plus Good to infinity Best of Mr. Right
"Zoiks! Run, Scoob! It's the ghost of J. Edgar Hoover!!!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Hey Scoob - Let's split up. You take the downstairs and I'll stay right here."

Best of Army of Dad
"Hey babe, like do you think you culd go to the kitchen and make us a sandwich?"
"reah, a randwich!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Holly was so hot, she could even make decades old cartoons stop and stare.

Idiots for the Senseless Worship of Stupid Animals

Van Helsing

1. "No kidding? I'm also a beauty pageant contestant promised a modeling job by an Arab sheik."

2. ORA: "The Visitors are our friends"... "friendship is universal"... my ass!

3. The Obamas' gift ideas become ever more bizarre.

4. ♪♪♪♪"Despite all my rage, I am still just a skank in a cage..." ♪♪♪♪

5. "Don't worry, even if we don't find new owners, I'm sure PETA will take good care of us."

Best of Army of Dad
ORA: "How much for the little girl? The women? I want to buy the women."

Best of Army of Dad
This Farmer's Market is awesome!!!

Best of Mr. Hankey
Apparently there's a secondary market for all subprime assets.

Best of flyovercountry
Unfortunately, the PETA masterminds got confused and placed their members in crab pots, and not chicken coops. There were two positive outcomes however, first, the crab fisherman found that PETA members made excellent bait, and the discovery channel got a great episode for "Worlds Deadliest Catch".

Best of Rodney Dill
Mmmmmm.... Do they come battered?

Best of dadoctah
I'm going right out and torture me some kittens, if it encourages protests like this one.

Best of steve o
Normally I prefer free-range, but these are nice too.

Best of steve o
Some chicks I met at Purdue...

Best of Submariner
Here's your shipment of smelly pirate hookers Mr SOTG - where d'ya want 'em?

Best of Jay Guevara
300 IQ points on display.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

В советском Россия, домашние титры вы



1. And you thought it was a bomb tore a hole in Lenin's ass.

2. In Soviet Russia, OMOH captions you!

3. Ivan couldn't figure it out. "First, my comrades were slapping on the back like a friend. Now, they laugh at me. What's up with that?"

4. "Is very hard writing name on snow in Cyrillic."

5. The Obama regime is rumored to be bringing in extra "security" to monitor the April 15 Tea Parties.

Best of curly
Warning: objects in mirror may be queerer than they appear.

Best of Tim
Rubbing one out while fantasizing about Lenin's scrawny brass butt is a little ghey

Best of The Man
Authorities are still unsure what instigated the shooting at the School for Dyslexia.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Is much better view now that we have replaced Washington Monument. Well done, Tovarich Obama!"

Best of jeff
Both Sully and SondraK admired his pistol grip "tool."

Best of Mr. Hankey
OMOH Special Forces were patrolling the premises on the lookout for agents of STOGGAF - unaware that each had an identical ideology.

Best of Army of Dad
My vodka brings all the boys to the yard, I could teach you but I would have to charge...

Best of dadoctah
Worst. Clay Aiken video. Ever.

Best of metalgarth
"Red Dawn", an Ang Lee production

Best of dadoctah
I wouldn't have thought the Ontario Ministry Of Health would need to pack heat.

Now, Army of Mom Knows How Dub Feels on Thursday


1. Ang Lee's film version of The Office had a very different take on the Dwight/Jim relationship.

2. "You ready for lunch? It's almost 8:30."

3. Financial services employees eventually adjusted to Barney Frank's new anti-air-conditioning rules.

4. Why you should never outsource your Sexual Harassment training video to Falcon Studios.

5. ORA: Andrew Sullivan was happy to provide Charles Johnson with two beefy bodyguards to keep Intelligent Design believers off of his website.

Best of Army of Dad
The New Berenstain Bears was a required part of the One's mandatory pre-K sex-ed classes.

Best of Submariner
Got any pudding?

Best of Mr. Hankey
GI Joe 2010 - Sporting real life facial hair, he prepares to demonstrate his kung-fu grip.

Best of Matt the K
Does this bear claw tattoo make me look gay?

Best of Tim
As car sales plummeted dealerships tried out all nude showrooms in an effort to bring in rich gay customers.

Best of dub
Sure Carl, I'll look into that for you. Now would you mind moving your cock away from my shoulder?

Best of Army of Mom
I suggest a new strategy - let the Wookiee ... well, you know, let him ...

Best of sonicfrog
With the help of Bobo, Coco finally got the Easter basket off his face...

Best of Chrees
OK, the Mac vs PC ads have officially jumped the shark. And it is a big hairy gay shark...

Best of prince of leaves
"You know, Bob, you really need to do something about that back-dandruff."

Best of Jay Guevara
"So...uh...what kinda faggot are you?"

Monday, April 13, 2009

Economic Metaphors 101


1. The American taxpayer gratefully accepts his $8 a week temporary tax relief from the Obamassiah and rests secure in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.

2. Snidely Whiplash isn't even trying these days.

3. ORA: "Boy, those Ace of Spades Morons sure were nice to share their Valu-Rite vodka with me. I wonder what the catch is."

4. Fox scores a surprise reality hit with Trains versus Hobos, even though the outcome of the match was seldom surprising.

5. Vanilla Ice reflects on his career.

Wicked Supreme Best of Mr. Hankey
Obama's Schoolhouse Rock - "Conjuction Junction, What's Your Function?? "Sleeping all day and getting a handout...""

Best of Matt the K
After being shooed away from sleeping in the trash compactor, bear trap, and firing range, Otis Campbell finally gets some peace and quiet.

Best of The Man
The governor of new york didn't see this metaphor coming

Best of mklasing
This week on "Caught On Tape": GM Union employees working hard during the morning shift.

Best of Army of Dad
It's cool, he is wearing his yellow hat for safety!

Best of Matt the K
Juan's sleep number is Narrow Gauge.

Best of metalgarth
Charlie tried to comprehend "one point perspective" and "vanishing points" by using osmosis

Best of Submariner
The trick for most members of the Legislature is not whether or not they're asleep at the job - they are. Instead it is simply one of facing the right way so that when they finally startle awake - they'll be able to see what's coming at them.

Best of Mr. Right
"You hear that Mr. Anderson?... That is the sound of inevitability... It is the sound of your death..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Stevie had a one track mind... about a mile and half long according to the coroner.

Best of Adjustah
"When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel...hey, no seriously you guys, what is that whistling sound?"

Best of dub
Raul is exhausted after laying out 4,000 coke lines for Courtney Loves birthday party.

Popezilla

Silhouette
1. "I can't believe it! Mrs. Donald Trump! Oh, I am simply walking on air!"

2. "And God help you if there are carnations in my bridal bouquet! For every carnation I find... I shall kill you."

3. "First rule of Vatican Club, We don't talk about Vatican Fight Club!"

4. "Your Holiness! The President of the United States presents you with his official gift of a pack of condoms and two coupons good at any Atlanta-Area Joe's Crab Shack."

5. "The canonization of Don Knotts is a go!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Your Holiness, the White House is asking what DVD region is used in Italy."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Patience, my friend. In time, he will seek "you" out, and when he oes, you must bring him before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the Dark Side of the Force.

Best of The Man
The pope was as surprised as anybody when he learned that the Obama's new lap dog was not named "Chris Matthews".

Best of Submariner
"...alimonde left, and a dosie-doe..."
Things were a might different at Vatican receptions ever since Bennie found out about square-dancing.

Best of Submariner
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three..."

Best of prince of leaves
One of the perks of the office of Pope is that you always get to cut to the front of the buffet line at Ponderosa.

Best of Matt the K
In a misguided attempt to gain sympathy from the jury, Phil Spector shows up in court sporting his weirdest getup yet.

Best of mpur
Is that Johnny Depp way in the back?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter from Ed Asner

Brender


Best of prince of leaves
Minutes after licking the last crumbs from his made-in-China Easter basket, Bobo dropped dead from lead poisoning.

Best of duranki
Michael Jackson's penchant for primates and for covering his loved-ones' faces inevitably merged into one unified eccentricity.

Best of Tremor
After posting this shockingly racist allegory to the Obama administration's fiscal policy, V the K was ordered to attend "sensitivity training" with Congressman Barney Frank.

Best of Rodney Dill
Little known factoid #1089: Simians always eat the face of the Easter Bunny first.

Best of dadoctah
Nice to see Robin Williams getting back into the prop comedy area again.

wv: scrot. Exactly what I was thinking.

Best of dub
Michelle Obama really enjoys her Easter candy.

Best of GregMan
Rosie O'Donnell never let her hatred of Christianity get in the way of her Easter celebrations.

Best of Submariner
I colored the eggs with bong water - why do you ask?

Best of Mr. Hankey
On tonight's "The Biggest Loser" - Sally hides her head in disgust after eating all of her children's easter candy. The weigh-in looms ahead.

Bizarre, Tasteless, Easter at Cap This...

Matt the K


Best of prince of leaves
Oh that's nothing - you should have seen what the balloon artist did for Ashoura.

Best of Incontinentia the B
"Bawabus the Bawoon Infwaitah?...No there is no 'Bawabus the Bawoon Infwaitah'".

Best of dadoctah
"...and then, three days later, Popeye the Sailor arose from the dead!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
A young Arianna Huffington proudly displays her depiction of the murder of Julius Caesar. "I spent hours researching it, and hours more crafting it from the finest materials. It's almost lifelike, isn't it?"

Best of dub
Its ironic to see in this picture a carpenter, a source of wood, and some ugly skank that will be resurected on Thursday.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Miracle of San Salvadore - After a smuggling attempt involving the swallowing of 24 condoms of cocaine, Lucy Derkins craps out a miracle.

Best of Submariner
Look, non; I know The One is Arab more than Negro, but don't you think you should have at least made him tan?

Best of Army of Mom
Crafts at Jew Camp get weirder and weirder every year.

Best of ochagirl
FINE LINE! LET MEH SHO U EET!

Best of Adjustah
Pink yogurt poop Jeebus?

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Un-Bearable


1. Brick Tamlin warned this would happen if they hired a woman.

2. Of all the ways for the world to end, giant bears is one not even Glenn Beck saw coming.

3. "Last time I saw a bear that big, he was shtupping Andrew Sullivan in a Fire Island bath house."

4. It started with window stickers of Fords urinating on Chevys, and only got worse from there.

5. "Hello, 9-11... There's a big giant huge scary thing attacking our dealership. It's wearing a dress that looks like an old couch and keeps calling us 'chalk-face whores.'"

Best of Submariner
Dropping him off at the airport for a trip to Hollywood, Fozzy's dad always had a hard time saying goodbye...

Best of Rodney Dill
After lunch he became known as a Bear-stain bear.

Best of mpur
The bear market was devastating on car dealerships.

Best of prince of leaves
After Nobel-winning geneticist Frank Thurmond joined their ranks, ecoterrorists were able to drastically increase the scale and irony of their attacks.

Best of prince of leaves
Denver public art ORA: "Help! Help! You gotta let me in! There's a bunch of emaciated aliens and a giant horse with laser eyes headed this way!"

Best of dadoctah
"Teddy Ruxpin II! This time, it's personal!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Capture those Kodiak moments on film...

Best of dub
The current market had grizzly effects on the auto industry.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Buy a new truck? Why? I'm a bear, I don't NEED to compensate for anything!"

Best of Submariner
Cloverfield II ended up being even less satisfying than the original...

Friday, April 10, 2009

What Smells Like Dead Whale?


1. The first Do-It-Yourself Sushi Bar was not a success.

2. "The grandchildren will be so excited when they see we met Rosie O'Donnell."

3. "You know what I hate? Dead whales! (Awkward silence) There's one right behind me isn't there?"

4. "Who invited Pat Morita and Kirstie Ally to Spring Break?"

5. "Well, since this Fire Island, it's got to be either a sperm whale or a humpback."

Best of Army of Dad
Shortly after this photo was taken Sully was seen desperately searching for the blow hole.

Best of kg
You've got an awfully wide stance, there, grandma.

Best of Army of Mom
Oh thank God, grandma and grandpa didn't take the green string thing on vacation. *whew*

Best of Rodney Dill
"Say bye bye to grandpa... he's headed to Nineveh."

Best of mklasing
These flash forwards on "Lost" never make any damn sense.

Best of mpur
Seriously, who wears leg warmers to the beach?

Best of Mr. Hankey
In the Japanese remake, Gepetto and Pinocchio pose for their obligatory pictures after making a daring escape from Monstro the whale.

Best of prince of leaves
It wasn't the memory of the poor dead whale which tortured little Maggie for years afterward, it was the humiliation of spending the whole day at the beach with her grandfather and his boyfriend in the tight-fitting blue one-piece.

Best of dub
Granpa just shit a whale!! Take a picture, quick!!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The climax to the Japanes rip-off of Cloverfield was ultimately disappointing.

Best of dadoctah
While Obasan and Ojisan took their "scenic" vacation snaps, they remained completely oblivious to Yumiko's shrieks of "AIEEE! GOJIRA!"

Kate Moss Still Looks Great

1. "Michael Jackson? I almost didn't recognize you under the burqa."

2. The Grim Reaper comes for Dizzy Gillespie.

3. "Oh, come on in. We were just about to serve the salmon mousse."

4. Helen Thomas was surprised. Usually, the Obama admin blew smoke up a different one of her orifices.

5. Ann Coulter and Carlos Mencia attend Easter Mass.

Best of Matt the K
After her 'fact-finding' visit to East L.A., Maria Schriver urges her husband to legalize pot completely.

Best of metalgarth
Elvira and Michael Phelps made cameos in the remake of Refer Madness

Best of Army of Dad
Gay Witch Doctor, next on LOGO.

Best of Submariner
Nothin' ta be seein' here, folks. Jist filmin' the latest Amy Winehouse video; please ta be movin' along now...

Best of mklasing
The bulimia intervention for Mary-Kate Olsen went terribly wrong when some idiot broke out the pot.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Fox News reporters waiting to be called on in the White House press room.

Best of Matt the K
In this week's "Real Housewives of O.C." Bored stay-at-home death angel Mrs. Reaper has a fling with Pedro the pool boy.

Best of Matt the K
Everybody Hates Skeletor's Bogarting Nephew

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Norman?!?"

Best of Army of Mom
The president and Michelle prepare a gift basket for the next visiting head of state.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Fairy Nice

Army of Mom

Best of The Man
How your mom is surviving the recession.

Best of jeff
All Peter could say was, "Tink... you've changed!"

Best of Army of Dad
Finally, a fairy we can get behind.

Best of ochagirl
"C'thulhu fhtagn!"

Best of Rev. Right
Barney Frank was hopelessly embarrassed to find that "someone else" had worn the same outfit he had to the Obama Inaugural Ball.

Best of Submariner
"I bring you great tidings of grape joy..."
Nobody cared that Gloria blew the line. Nor, for that matter, that she had the wrong holiday.

Best of Submariner
The earliest "Touched By An Angel" dailies got the highest test-audience ratings, but NBC sponsors put their foot down over the angel drinking wine and made them change to coffee.

Best of mpur
Just remember guys, after drinking that stuff, this is NOT what you will wake up with in the morning.

Painted Soccer Broads

Army of Mom

Best of The Man
Nice. But soccer is still gay

Best of John.....just John
Brazil. Giving a new meaning to Soccer Moms since 1896

Best of mpur
Damn the penalties, I'm using my hands!

Best of Submariner
Don't mind me miss, I'm just a patriotic sailor that likes to wrap himself in the stars and stripes when abroad...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Oh, when will this ennui loosen it's grip on me? Oh, look, there it goes now!"

Best of Oiao
I never realized that Old Glory had a camel toe in it before.

Best of Army of Mom
I have your World Cup ... in my pants!

Best of lawhawk
I'd take a red card for taking 'em down.

Best of molson
Now that's what I call a patriotic cooch.

Best of Submariner
If Miss AmerItalia held my balls like that, I'm pretty sure they'd "Swoosh" on her hand, too.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Gee, They Both Seem to Be Having *Such* a Good Time


1. "No, Really, I'm not gay. I'm just really put off by the fact that you could land a Piper Cub in the space between your joybags."

2. "First of all, Maxine, there's a little thing called 'shrinkage.' Secondly, yes, compared to the guys behind me, I am going to suffer a little bit in comparison."

3. "I've always wondered what it would be like to have sex with a black guy." "Gee, Mike, so have I."

4. "So, dub, those five pounds I put on over the winter don't make you grimace in revulsion when you touch my back, do they?"

5. Dang it, if her boobs didn't point in opposite directions, she'd make a great vest for my 'woman suit.'

Best of Army of Dad
Janet's horrible back acne repulses another victim.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Here it is; I found the air valve."

Best of dub
Seriously, WHERE IS THE DAMNED HOLE?!?!?

Best of metalgarth
Darrin could never remember the proper sequence of 1's and 0's to get his femme-bot to feign interest in him

Best of Tim
"yup that's a leach"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yeah. Like you've got a shot."

Best of jeff
"Good Grief Jan, recolor your hair - those black roots are disgusting!"

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Maaaatt Daaaaamon!!!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"There there, Jenny darling, that V the K is a sick intercourse with no sense of decency. He presents himself as some sort of holier-than-thou do-gooder Christian, with pictures of tits and animals having sex on his blog. You are much too good to be his Thursday Babe. There there, let me massage that tension away." Bruce took his opportunity when he saw it.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Landry always heard that once you got a girl wet, you owned her.

Best of Matt the K
Ewww. First negroes at the pool and now I have to put lotion on a *girl*. Jacob the Gay Racist Mormon is having a terrible day.

Knights in White Satin


1. Robert Byrd spends a weekend hanging out with friends.

2. "Yeah, those people sure do like to shoplift at Old Navy, don't they?"

3. Alabama sends a special delegation to help out with the California wildfires.

4. "Aw, c'mon... let's see what's under that mask."

5. Robert Byrd's Nativity scene features some very unusual Magi.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Achoo! Oh, yuck!"

Best of Rodney Dill
North Korea makes a concerted effort to veil their missile launch ambitions from the rest of the world.

Best of Submariner
Anybody up for white cake with white icing?

Best of Double the U
ORA: The Moody Blues are touring again?

Best of metalgarth
The Coneheads dressed up as ghosts for Halloween and hilarity ensued.

Best of Jack Reacher
"These outfits should hide what sick intercourses we are."

Best of Army of Dad
Cotton: The Fabric of Our Lives

Best of dub
Ok ok, who stole Madonna's bras?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Big Disclaimer on eBay Ad:
These are just folk art salt shakers, you freaking liberals. Stop jumping to conclusions and sending me threatening emails!

Best of molson
Oh Crap! Bubba! I just farted. Now I can't breath. Cough. What do I do? What do I dooooo?

Best of Kaptain Krude
White? After Labor Day?

Best of Mr. Hankey
Contestants line-up to be the life-size candles for Obama's birthday celebration.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

ABC Auto Industry

Franco IBC

1. Where Europe gets its sense of cultural superiority is still a mystery.

2. The Blaq Bloq was disappointed that Breasts for Bombs ditched out on their annual naked picnic.

3. "Dude, your life-size Any Winehouse hood ornament is getting away!"

4. The script for the Dude, Where's My Car? sequel was so awful that Sean William Scott and Ashton Kutcher only returned on the condition their faces were never shown.

5. "Dude, if we don't stop smoking, we'll never make it in time for the G20 protests. OK, but just one more bong and that's it!"

Very Brady Best of metalgarth
ORA: Scene from mid 80's documentary, "Depeche Mode Parking Lot"

Best of flyovercountry
Trying to seize upon the success of nude female car washing, the Bob brothers decided to offer a nude car mechanic shop. The business was not successful however, as most women were looking for bigger wrenches.

Best of mklasing
Oddly, the Yoko Ono Production Company has never produced a hit film.

Best of Silhouette
Has he no shame? His socks don't match.

Best of dadoctah
"HAH! You're listening to Car Talk with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers, and there *is* no solution for this week's Puzzler."

Best of Matt the K
Great Moments in Rock'n'Roll History: The Red Hot Chili Peppers adopt their trademark look after being cavity-searched by the Stasi and then abandoned naked on the Autobahn outside Berlin.

Best of Rodney Dill
Shitty Shitty Gang Bang

Best of Tim
Time traveling humans did not inspire much faith in the future.

Best of lawhawk
Obama's new warranty program for American automakers had a few flaws.

Bad News, Dad


1. Dad, I hope you weren't counting on that football scholarship.

2. "This just doesn't feel right. Let me try on the lime green banana-sling."

3. "Are the volcano gods pleased, yet, Governor Palin? Or should I just keep dancing until Mt. Redoubt gets quiet? All right, I'll keep dancing."

4. "It was your bank that took the bailout money, Dad. I don't see why I should have to be the one who gets in the limo with Congressman Frank."

5. "I know some coaches think it helps to send their teams to dance classes, but pole-dancing at the Blue Oyster Bar?"

Best of The Man
Obama's gift giving is improving, said Rep. Barney Frank.

Best of Tim
The rainbow warriors do two a days to improve their football choreography.

Best of flyovercountry
Billy didn't appreciate the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy of the armed services, so he decided to tell in a more subtle way when he fell out for the forced march dressed like Elton John.

Best of Matt the K
This week on "Survivor: NAMBLA", immunity could mean a night off of hut-sharing for Tyler.

Best of GregMan
Bruce's ennui had such a hold on him that even a necklace of pretty butterflies didn't help.

Best of Submariner
Thought bubble; "I am NEVER going to tell anyone what happened at Band Camp..."

Best of Army of Mom
Auditions for the newest reality show "Who wants to boink a cougar?" had some talent.

Best of Army of Dad
The NAMBLA father son picnic had a decidedly different meaning for 'Three Legged and Sack races'.

Best of mpur
Having exhausted the talk show circuit, Levi Johnson branches out to other venues.