Tuesday, March 31, 2009

More Levitating Chinese Dudes

Brender
1. The Butterfly Effect: A dictator has a fart squozed out of him in Venezuela, a cyclone takes place in China.

2. Due to budget cuts, the PLA conducted paratrooper training without parachutes. The carnage was indescribable.

3. Ford Prefect tries to teach the Chinesse Army how to fly by throwing themselves at the ground and missing.

4. Willy Wonka was later indicted for supplying arms to a hostile foreign country.

5. Mariah Carey's high notes are now considered weapons of mass destruction.

Best of molson
The anti-gravity jock strap didn't work as well in the field as it did in the lab. Unfortunately for the PLA conscripts, further testing will be required.

Best of Army of Dad
Peter Han.

Best of mklasing
Rosie O'Donnell proves the long-held theory that when you jump real hard they can feel it all the way to China.

Best of Mr. Hankey
All asians fight in the air like that. I've seen it on Dragonball.

Best of Matt the K
The first test of George Takei's personal Transporter was a raging success. All the 'packages' materialized quite nicely, thank you.

Best of prince of leaves
Tragedy struck China's attempt at the world's record for largest Slip-and-Slide, when the soap trucks were late and officials substituted wasabi soy sauce instead.

Best of prince of leaves
Just what are they preparing for, an invasion of the Incredibly Strange Palestinian Police?

Best of steve o
The Chinese really know how to Crank Dat.

Best of Submariner
.7 milliseconds later, 3000 Pali Irregulars discovered the difference between parachutes and bomb vests.

Best of Seoulman (R)
The choreography in the Beijing version of Mamma Mia! needed some work

Best of Seoulman (R)
It was amazing how they all landed in straight lines after I threw them out of the plane.

Aye, Aye, Thkipper!

Divine Miss M

1. After Lt. Mayer testified on Capitol Hill, the Navy was spared any budget cuts from Barney Frank's committee.

2. Brick Tamlin was excited to see the pants party was just getting started.

3. Submariner wishes to let everyone know... he does *not* have this outfit.

4. The rear admiral orders you to swab his poop deck.

5. Madonna's latest bustier breaks loose during her rendition of "In The Navy," brutally murdering an unfortunate back-up dancer.

Wicked Best of flyovercountry
And now, Captain Swaby, who came straight from a Cher concert, will say a few words to the "men".

Best of Army of Dad
No wonder the Chinese Navy mooned our ship.

Best of Mr. Hankey
At Senate page talent night...

Best of Jay Guevara
"I chriththen this thip the USS Barney Frank!"

Best of Matt the K
Kill it! Kill it! For the love of God kill it!

Best of Army of Mom
Your body is a wonderland ... NOT.

Best of Oiao
Don't you think the aviator sunglasses are bit over the top?

Best of Seoulman (R)
Dang it, what is the point of being dictator if no one takes you seriously

Best of Submariner
I don't really expect Ang Lee's remake of "Tora, Tora, Tora" to be historically accurate.

Best of sonicfrog
Seeing his career take the Kyle McLachlin nosedive, Jake Gyllenhall decided to star in the even gayer Ang Lee sequel, "Brokeback Navy".

Who Needs Eye Bleach?


1. Why does this thong have old man smell?

2. Billy thought "Come out of the closet" was a literal expression.

3. Ever since kindergarten sex ed, Billy had been careful to floss after every rim job.

4. "It's official. This is the only remaining article of clothing I am not too sexy for."

5. Hooters caves into discrimination suits brought by the Obama administration and changes its name to 'Hooters 'n Baskets.'

Best of metalgarth
There's a very good reason why some episodes of Malcom in the Middle were never aired

Best of Mr. Hankey
...and the closet door is WIDE open. Nothing hiding in there.

Best of Army of Mom
Mom was a bit concerned when I told her I wanted to be Tinkerbell for Halloween. Then, she saw the costume.

Best of mpur
Bruce gets ready to head down to the Navy recruiter's office.

Best of Submariner
They're always after me lucky charms...

Best of GregMan
Sign at top of mirror: "Warning, objects in this mirror are a whole lot smaller than you would like them to be."

Best of Tim
Wrestling singlets have changed a lot since the new coach started

Best of Oiao
"I teabaged Borrat, and all I got was this stinkin green stringy."

Best of Seoulman (R)
it was decided that "Casual Friday" needed some explanation.

Best of jj
I can't believe nobody has already said it....Does this outfit make my butt look...ah hell I won't say it either.

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Gawd, why did I buy something that goes with absolutely NOTHING in my closet?

Monday, March 30, 2009

Grope and Cringe


1. Desperate to reignite their former passion, Obama blows softly into Plugs's ear.

2. "OMG, it's so big. It must fifty trillion inches long." Math was never Plug's strong suit.

3. The other reason Joe Biden's nickname is "Plugs."

4. "Joe, it's okay. That word 'niggardly' doesn't mean what you apparently think it means."

5. "Joe, you is my woman, now, you is."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Um, Barack, that is not where da white women at."

Best of BOO
"Joe, Michelle just called. We're on for that threesome tonight."

Best of Matt the K
{guffaw}...Mongo straight!

Best of duke of red
"Pssst... Tell your daughter, if she needs more blow, look me up."

Best of Army of Dad
Joe: "Hey why not, he is clean, attractive and articulate!"

Best of Whacko
"Joe, I'm making everyone in America my biatch, starting with you."

Best of molson
Unlike the American taxpayer, Joe gets a little kiss before taking another one for the team.

Best of steve o
...but the guy who messed around with the teleprompter script was fired.
And then secretly rehired.

Too Obvious?

Brender
1. THIS NOT BUCKIT! THIS HOOMAN!

2. "Great, now toss me the dipping sauce."

3. Robert Reich's visit to Japan was one humiliation on top of another.

4. "Mr. Takeshima? I'm Chris Hansen... why don't you sit down right here?"

5. In Tokyo, this week, JaMBLA kicked off its annual convention.

Best of Army of Dad
Even with subtitles, Japanese game shows are impossible to understand.

Best of Army of Dad
The Super Adventure Club gets a new member.

Best of jj
O's tax collectors training camp.

Best of Mr Hankey
They really need a Chuck E Cheese in Japan.

Best of steve o
THIS you get for taunting happy fun Sumo!

Best of Oiao
"Hi Dozo! That the cleanest smelling ass I smell all day! Hi!"

Best of Submariner
Tragically, it was only later tha Tanaki found out the "Pile driver" he had seen on WWF was a theatrically staged entertainment and not a real wrasslin' move.

Best of dadoctah
"Prease, Gojira! Accept this sacrifice and reave our virrage arone!"

Dad?



1. Another AIG executive tries to win over Barney Frank with boudoir photography... and succeeds.

2. No longer cute and cuddly, Knut became the fetish object of a depraved German businessman.

3. In his old age, Yakov Smirnoff has gone quite mad, you know.

4. The PETA protest to raise awareness of disposable diapers in landfills and Global Warming only succeeded in confusing the onlookers.

5. Ang Lee's concept for The Chronicles of Narnia was wisely rejected.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Some dad's really embarrass their kids by wearing dark socks with their shorts.

Best of Army of Dad
dub's therapy sessions were understandably very strange given his body image issues.

Best of Pendark
Never again would we use the agency that sent us "Binki the clown".

Best of Matt the K
Murray had to fire his advertising firm after the "You'll go gaga over the prices at Crazy Murray's Art Gallery!" campaign ended in failure.

Best of dadoctah
...and trust me, you do *not* want to know what happened to that big dog statue that used to be in Joey and Chandler's apartment.

Best of The Man
Another successful match from emnuclawHarmony.com

Best of Jack Reacher
"Billy Ray, this is why Ms. Liebowitz only wants photos of Miley."

Best of Submariner
Folsom Street Fair "kiddie rides."
Film at 11.

Best of dadoctah
Minus his armor and winged helmet, Prince Vultan of the Hawkmen would strike fear into a gerbil, let alone Ming the Merciless.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Is it just me, or is it Nippy in Here?

AoSHQ

Best of Oiao
On the other hand, aside from being able to launch 1,000 ships, those nipples could even turn Rod Steward straight.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Looks like those twin turkeys of hers are done.

Best of Matt the k
Tonight I'm yours
I'll do anything that you want me to...
--cause you're much bigger than me and can obviously kick my ass.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yeah, I'm hitting that. Eat your hearts out, lame caption-writers."

Best of Arcticman Speaks!
The morning sun
When it's in my face
Really shows my age

Best of Jack Reacher
Rich old guys have the hottest nurses.

Best of Rodney Dill
Three Knobs

Best of steve o
Yeah, it's all fun until someone loses an eye...

Best of Atomic Lib Smasher
Sex with her would look like Rod Stewart acting like a little monkey climbing the trees for coconuts.

Best of Capt. Queeg
I thought only the newer models had daytime running lights.

Best of Army of Dad
1. Cut pic in half, get Thursday pic.
2. Carefully choose half to post.

Best of Submariner
That reminds me:
Note to self; tweak the family sedan's headlights into alignment...

Best of mega
Ironically, the whole thing started with looking for a Dustin Hoffman look-alike.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I Call This One "Dub's Nightmare"

Metalgarth and Van Helsing


1. "Blast our luck! Another All You Can Eat cafeteria goes out of business just as we show up!"

2. "We are exactly the correct weight... for an aircraft carrier."

3. The Fight Club looked forward to supplying their soap business for years to come.

4. "So, Captain Kirk, you say you and the pointy eared fella want to take my daughters into the future to communicate with an alien probe?" (ORA? IDK.)

5. If America used Pounds instead of Dollars as currency, this is what Obama's deficits would look like.

Best of Jack Reacher
The final refutation of Paul Erlich's predictions of famine in America.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Would you like to super-size your order...oh, right."

Best of Army of Mom
Family photos from the Michelin Man's Facebook profile.

Best of Artfldgr
they are tired for being mistaken for volkswagons jockying for position on sunday walks.

Best of Matt the K
BEHOLD: The World's Strongest Front Porch.

Best of dadoctah
"Big People, Little World"

Best of Pendark
The rest of the Family ties clan reunites for a very special reunion episode on the Hallmark channel.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Okay, we've met the Huckabees. Now it's time to meet their challengers, next on 'Family Feud'!"

Best of Jay Guevara
All four in unison: "You gonna eat that?"

Best of steve o
The Fellmens were the only four survivors of a 192 day odyssey when their 747 went down in the remote mountains of Chile with 248 passengers and crew on board.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Biff Thompson skidded to a halt. The Omnivorous Maximus he had been hunting had run into three of the she-beasts in a dead-end cove, and together they had turned to face the approaching danger. Biff realized that he had been crashing through the underbrush in his enthusiasm to catch his intended prey, and now he realized that the scales of advantage had shifted, and not to his favor. Nervously, he took mental stock of his ammo, and realized that he was either going to be in for the longest afternoon of his life, or the shortest.

Best of jeff
They're on the Dole....and the Del Monte, the Stouffers, the Pillsbury's, the Chef Boyardee...

Where The Wild Things Are

Brender

1. Another Obama relative comes out of the woodwork.

2. After all the Ia Ia Cthulhu fhtagn! captions, this guy was bound to turn up.

3. M'chel Obama finally finds an outfit that doesn't make her look like The Predator.

4. Metalgarth was saddened by the number of hairbands that died to make those outfits. I think I see bit of Vince Neil on the guy on the right.

5. "Namaste!" The Dharma Initiative welcomes George Clinton to the island.




Wicked Very Brady Super-Terrific Best of Silhouette
"Come ashore. The virgin Connie Swale is here."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Pictures arising from Obama's own swift boat experiences were never published.

Best of Submariner
It's a police boat - everybody act normal.

Best of metalgarth
Global Warming from Rebel X-Wing SUV's turned the planet Hoth into Waterworld as shown by the native Wampas riding in canoes

Best of Army of Dad
Olympic rowing advice: Let the wookies win.

Best of jj
Sean Penn prepares for the next Katrina.

Best of mklasing
2012: The last conservative is shot by the Obama Police Boat patrol attempting to hide his identity as "Goat Man."

Best of The Man
The vice squad of the Emnuclaw PD makes another undercover bust.

Best of mpur
Yeah, well, some of us knew that ACORN "helping" with the census was going to be a problem.

Smokers on the Roof

Brender 1. The Marlboro Man doesn't translate well into all cultures.

2. Barney Frank's Caption: "Mmm, Smoked Kosher Sausage."

3. "Given Obama's policy on Iranian nukes, do you think we're going to live long enough to get cancer? Bug off!"

4. Chaim Witz Hebrew School presents "Death of a Salesman."

5. "Dudes, I just can't wait to grow up and control the banks and the media."

Wicked Best of Matt the Kosher
Smoke Jewport. "Meh, So-so With Pleasure!"

Wicked Best of Jay Guevara
"Might as well light up. Or are you worried about blowing your athletic career?"

Best of metalgarth
The wrong caption for the picture is "Smoking in the Goys Room"

Best of Julie the Jarhead
"When I asked you for some butt, this wasn't what I had in mind."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Schindler's Conformist

Best of Submariner
After Golda? I'm gonna need two...

Best of Army of Dad
Oy! you are gettgng smaltz all over mine.

Best of mpur
"If I were a rich man, I could afford the exorbitant and oppressive taxes levied on legal tobacco sales..."

Best of dadoctah
(Appropriate only because it's Friday): "Quick, light me before the sun sets!"

Thursday, March 26, 2009

HBT Tribute to Duran Duran



Best of Army of Mom
I just keep getting the feeling that I forgot something today. Got my keys, put on my earrings. Wait a minute ....

Best of Army of Dad
Stunt cat not impressed.

Best of Tim
It's funny from this angle you can't even see the penis

Best of Matt the K
Janie woke up this morning, grabbed her keys, and her earrings, but forgot her pants and feet.

Best of jeff
"Oh dear - lava."

Best of mega
Kendall was offered a simple choice. Agree to eat some food, and you can come back inside the plane. She couldn't decide.

Hose



Best of metalgarth
Discovery Zone seems to be chnging their target demographic a bit

Best of metalgarth
There are many bouyant things in this picture. See if you can spot more than 2 of them

Best of paul
Pretty, Pretty bags of mostly saline

Best of Army of Dad
Not the first hose she has had spraying in between her legs.

Best of Army of Dad
Rubber boobies your the one, you make bath time lots of fun. Rubber boobies you're my favorite things...

Best of dub
God just killed a kitten.

Best of jeff
Jenny always wondered what one looked like when it sprayed... and wasn't in her mouth.

Best of Submariner
THAT look is supposed to make us think she's never had 9" of spurting hose in her hands? What a crappy actress...

Best of mpur
This was the last time Helen let her husband plan the neighborhood pool party.

Best of mega
MMmmmmmmmmm......where can I get those super-sized skittles?

Best of Nose
Excuse me miss, I'm with the Jerking Authority. I'm going to have to take a look inside your bikini.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Ugly, Ugly Bag of Mostly Water

Army of Mom

1. M'Chel Obama tried on this outfit and was immediately mistaken for an Ent.

2. Grimmis had a secret jones for Asian whores.

3. The ATHF's most feared villainess: Salad Bar.

4. Because Earth in 150,000 BC had no usable cotton, wool, or flax, Athena had to make do. Helo thought she looked ridiculous.

5. The creations of Sid and Marty Kroft were hunted almost to extinction to make this dress.

Best of Matt the K
Next time use Industrial-strength Lysol for those pesky Yoko Ono spores.

Best of metalgarth
"I don't know! What do you get when you cross a Thai hooker with a dishwashing spongue?"

Best of Maogwai
Tough times, for David Bowie's "China Girl".

Best of dadoctah
Chiung Yi got her superpowers when she was bitten by a radioactive artichoke.

Best of dub
Hey, sometimes you gotta artichoke a bitch.

Best of Rodney Dill
...made of 100% recycled condoms

Best of Army of Mom
Contraception sponge? You're wearing it.

Best of Army of Dad
Phlegm fabu!

Best of jj
After her blog failed, Amanda found new ways to repulse conservatives.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalama picked Richard SImmons, lifelong friend and diet guru to head the US Army. The change to a vegetarian camouflage uniform was inevitable.

Call it what you will

Army o' Mom
1. What the Obama Youth Brigade uniforms *won't* look like.


Best of metalgarth
Her boyfriend really didn't say "I wanna see a Hairy Clint"

Best of dadoctah
Not shown: the Eli Wallach hat and the Lee Van Cleef handbag.

Best of Army of Dad
Sally had a novel way to tell her ex that he is Unforgiven for cheating on her.

Best of Matt the K
WIthout the rights from Sid Vicious' estate, the designer had to substitute Mr. Eastwood at the last minute. And to think, Client doesn't even like "punks".,,

Best of Matt the K
Clint actually has breasts 2 or 3 cup sizes bigger than hers.

Best of Silhouette
It cost a fist full of dollars.

Best of Seoulman (R)
The new police uniforms were made to give a sense of both wonder and power.

Best of mpur
I know what you're thinking. "Are there six buttons or only five?"

Mr Cox Discusses his Weenie

Divine Miss M

1. "Thanks for popping that bloody zit, Thing."

2. "The proportions of the Secretary of State's vestigial organ have been somewhat exaggerated."

3. A generous assessment of either Obama's intellect or Geithner's competence.

4. An Obama adviser estimates how much of the economy will be left after the administration gets through with it.

5. "My forehead expands by approximately this much every day."

Best of Mr. Hankey
Another day of eye witness testimony at the Barney Frank "public indecency" trial.

Best of Mr. Hankey
At the Joe Biden memorial press conference - the medical examiner explains why Joe's brain size made the operation a failure.

Best of Submariner
Sorry Subby, but you missed a "Very Brady Best of" by that much!

Best of Jay Guevara
"Comrades, we're this close to achieving our dreams of a Soviet America."

Best ofdadoctah
"Can we please try not flashing gang signs during a press conference, sir?"

Best of Army of Dad
Another failed AIG executive has a psychotic episode where he is "diagraming" his contract incentives on a white board.

Best of Seoulman (R)
he was this far from my bumper. You can see why I had to stop the car to shoot him.

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and a little bit of cream on top." It was fun placing complicated orders with former AIG weexutives working at Starbucks.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Inflatable Scrotum Guy Relaxes in His Rec Room

Army of Mom


1. Three months after Christmas, Santa still had one big package left to deliver.

2. "And as you can see, this home features a partially finished basement that would be perfect for a rec room or sexual torture chamber."

3. *It* had lasted more than four hours, but gramps was too embarrassed to go to the hospital.

4. "Oh, Hey! Futurama's on."

5. The family had always suspected that grandpa's extensive collection of Nazi memorabilia had little to do with serving on the Eiger Front.

Best of dub
Introducing, Army Of Grandpa.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Hey Barney, come on up! You're not done! There's an emergency roll call vote on really screwing up the economy!"

Best of Maogwai
Weird "Uncle" Bruce has a little "Captain" in him and wants to share...

Best of dadoctah
Now that Norm Abrams' replacement is here, we can do something about covering up these chipboard panels.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dr. Bernie always tries to lighten the mood when a new patient is diagnosed with elephantiasis.

Best of Silhouette
"Gramps, when I said Duct Tape was the solution to your broken clothes washer, I meant..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Does this outfit make my butt look big?"
"Don't worry about it."

Best of Army of Dad
Tired of battling graboids, Bert Gummer turns to a new hobby.

Best of mklasing
Barney Frank's first idea for a Stimulus Package: FAIL

Best of Dactyl
Gary forgot to include pockets in his cosplay outfit and dangit, his wallet, keys, iphone, chewing gum, and spare hat had to go somewhere.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
UPDATE: Needless to say, rubber boots were the ungainly work-around to a persistent problem he had with leakage.

Best of Rodney Dill
It rubs the lotion on its skin,
or it gets goatse.cx again

Best of dwhawk
Jane Fonda and Chi Chi LaRue present "Return to Golden Pond"

Best of Matt the K
Welcome to the basement of Homo Depot. Let's Fist Something Together™

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Actually, Mr. Leprechaun, you can keep your lucky charms....

Best of sonicfrog
Watchmen II doesn't look to be nearly as compelling as the first one.

Another CA Couple Anxiously Awaits Word on Prop 8


1. Little Rabbit Foo-Foo has been in some dark, dark places.

2. Spending Easter with Jack and his "roommate" Phil still feels awkward.

3. "I said 'buggery' not 'bunnery.'"

4. You guys might want to look into that little asbestos issue in your ceiling. That ain't fairy dust.

5. "Dandruff? What dandruff?"

Best of Matt the K
All our chromosome are belong to us.

Best of Matt the K
All our chromosome are belong to us.

Best of Submariner
Stadler and Waldorph; the early years.

Best of metalgarth
Worst...Christmas...Special...Ever

Best of Army of Dad
They are dreaming of a white supremiscist Christmas, with every Hitler book they read...

Best of Pendark
Arkansas has really gone progressive on the whole sleeping with cousins thing.

Best of Matt the K
"I'm Melvin and this here's your bellhop Roy. Now enjoy your stay at the Shining Lodge."

Best of Jack Reacher
Martyrdom video al-Qaeda was too embarrassed to release.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The California Doublemint Twins

Best of Matt the K
Czech orphanages are so damn depressing...

Best of sonicfrog
Next on Ghost Hunters, Jason's Poka.

Best of Rodney Dill
There is no unquote

Best of Submariner
Stadler and Waldorph; the early years.

Best of metalgarth
Worst...Christmas...Special...Ever

Best of Army of Dad
They are dreaming of a white supremiscist Christmas, with every Hitler book they read...

Best of Pendark
Arkansas has really gone progressive on the whole sleeping with cousins thing.

Best of Matt the K
"I'm Melvin and this here's your bellhop Roy. Now enjoy your stay at the Shining Lodge."

Best of Jack Reacher
Martyrdom video al-Qaeda was too embarrassed to release.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The California Doublemint Twins

Best of Matt the K
Czech orphanages are so damn depressing...

Best of sonicfrog
Next on Ghost Hunters, Jason's Poka.

Best of Rodney Dill
There is no unquote

Monday, March 23, 2009

Another Threesome in the Gay Disco of Politics

Brender

1. "Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find... The Three Amigos!"

2. As the Press Conference continued, many in the audience were put in mind of SNL's old Tonto, Frankenstein, and Tarzan sketch.

3. "Do you have anything here besides Mexican food?" - asked Obama.

4. "So many hugs. I feel just like one of those Special Olympic retards."

5. "Make this one look good... not awkward like Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley at the Grammy Awards."


Best of sonicfrog
Professor Governator hugs President Obama who this week graduates with Cuma-Sum-Laude honors from the California University School of Government Spending.

Best of Atomic Lib Smasher
Your embrace is a lot warmer than Maria's. God, you could cut a roast on her face!

Best of GregMan
So an Austrian, an Indonesian and a Mexican walk into a bar...

Best of Army of Dad
A wino, a slimo and a RINO.

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
Democratic Homecoming King is crowned.

Best of Mr. Right
0bama: "You're a funny guy, Arnold. I like you. That's why I'll order my new Civilian National Security Force to kill you last."

Best of Pendark
Riddler looked on wringing his hands with glee as joker and Two Face finished their announcement to the pink syndicate.

Best of metalgarth
Obama's first personal Terminator is completed and sent after Rush Limbaugh

Best of Seoulman (R)
I suck in movies, you suck in the White House we have so much in common.

Best of Jay Guevara
Arnold: "Yeah, I'm glad I immigrated to America too. Didn't think of pulling a fast one with the birth certificate, though. You got me there."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Sorry, Obama, I called dibs on being Moe. You can be Shemp."

Best of Mr. Hankey
June 2010 - As Obama shakes hands with his successor - President Arnold has a few words to say before escorting the impeached felon to the helicopter ride of shame. Vice President Erik Estrada peers on.

Duh-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Jack Creature

1. Every morning, Dear Leader wakes up and salutes the Teleprompter.

2. Only Obumblef-ck could be dumb enough to screw up the hand motions of "I'm a Little Teapot."

3. The President was nearly blinded today when the first lady showed up in broad daylight wearing silver lame hip-huggers.

4. The president argues forcefully that his deficits only "come up to about, um, up to here."

5. "... and some of those Special Olympics retards have big old brow ridges... like this..."

Very Brady Best of Silhouette
Continuing his diplomatic genius, Obama performs while reciting The Song of Hiawatha for the delegation from India.

Bam! Pow! Best of dadoctah
The Batdance. Ur doin it rong.

Best of metalgarth
Once again, Homer stuck his head in the Shine-O Ball-O and blinded Carl when he came to work the next day

Best of Army of Dad
BO is still looking for his balls. Michelle is really good at hiding things.

Best of Atomic Lib Smasher
Look over there! A taxpayer! Let's get him!

Best of jj
Is where da white wimmen at?

Best of GregMan
"Where da teleprompter at?"

Best of hntr766
I'm just lookin' for a clue!

Best of mklasing
BO watches sadly as another bowling ball heads for the gutter.

Best of Mr. Right
As a practical joke, members of the President's staff kept slowly dialing down the contrast and brightness controls on his TelePrompTer™ during the State of the Union Address. It was all very funny... until he finally gave up and started ad-libbing, causing a 3000 point drop in the Dow, a war with Canada, and a record number of strokes and heart attacks among members of Congress, all within a matter of minutes.

Best of Seoulman (R)
President Obama took third in the Shirley Temple look-alike contest.

Best of Submariner
What the hell IS that thing?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Franklin Mint's new Obamalama coin carries a colored picture of Da Wiz and is inscribed with the catchy new DNC slogan, "Deficits As Far As the Eye Can See. Order yours today, only $1.95... plus $89 shipping/handling.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yessir, Mr. Soros. Right away, Mr. Soros. How high, Mr. Soros?"

Saturday, March 21, 2009

The Holy Father and the Righteous Dude


1. "Dude! My mom totally has that same outfit!"

2. "You know, Holy Father, that your faith and good works can't hide what a sick intercourse you really are."

3. "Also, Pope-dude, you're wrong about the doctrine of Sola Scriptura..." Nancy Pelosi's grandchildren visit the Vatican.

4. "Aw, we came all the way to Italy, and you're not even wearing one of your funny hats."

5. "The Pope says, 'I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.' And then Clinton says, 'Sorry, Pope, you're a day late!' That one always cracks me up."

Gorram Best of Army of Dad
So that is what Alan Tudyck is up to nowadays.

Best of Jack Reacher
"You know, Christopher Hitchens says you don't exist. No, wait; it was your boss he was talking about."

Best of mega
"My son, now I will tell you my picks for the Final Four."

Best of Submariner
Blonde in purple dress' thought bubble; "I DON'T believe the Pope fell for Larry's old 'pull my finger' bit..."

Best of Double the U
Son, meet me in the rectory in an hour... bring the camera.

Best of Nose
Dude! Do you, like, have a rubber I could have? This chick on my right TOTALLY wants me.

Best of Silhouette
"Dude, tell me more about the white smoke."

Best of Prince Harry
Your Pope costume is so not better than my Nazi costume.

Best of Seoulman (R)
I used to have the same concerns, but it is amazing what viagra can do for you. Check with your doctor. The side effects include...

Best of Matt the K
"You had me at 'Dominus vobiscum'..."

Best of dub
Ceiling Cat is molesting an alter boi.

Best of sonicfrog
The Pope's thought bubble: "A little old for my tastes, but you'll do..."
David's thought bubble: "A little old for my tastes, but you'll do..."

Best of dadoctah
"The Dalai Lama sends his love and kisses, and wants to know if you still have the ABBA CDs he let you borrow."

Friday, March 20, 2009

I CAN HAS MIRANDA RIGHTS?

Jawa Report on a trippy trip from Mr. Right


1. Not content with wrecking his own movies, George Lucas performs an abortion on Training Day.

2. "Yeah, well the droids you're looking for aren't in Livonia, boy!"

3. "What you did with that Tauntaun was disgusting. This isn't the planet Enumclaw, Queermo."

4. "Aw, dudes, lay off. Everybody who worked on the Death Star got bonuses."

5. "Get the plunger! It's Palpatine time!"

Best of Silhouette
"It's 'cause I'm white, isn't it?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Although you are in possession of a particle beam weapon, Sir, I am not allowed to ask your immigration status."

Best of Artfldgr
Oh officer! spank me like the bad droid i am...

Best of Mr. Right
Internal Affairs was still investigating the arresting Jedi and his Padawan for "excessive use of The Force."

Best of dadoctah
"My civil rights are being violated! Don't you know that the Sith religion *requires* me to wear a face covering in public?"

Best of Rodney Dill
(TV AD) LEGAL PROBLEMS? Call Crane, Poole, and Schmidt for the best legal representation in Interplanetary Law.

Best of dadoctah
"C'mon, son, lemme hear that Wilhelm Scream."

Best of James McEnanly
It wasn't you, but someone who looks exactly like you. Yeah right.

Best of Mr. Hankey
"Screw you - I work for Mel Brooks!"

It Takes the Village People to Raise a Child

Army of Mom

1. "The President said WHAT? about the Special Olympics?"

2. A New Obama action group, "Painted Atheist Zombies," demand subsidies for brain harvest research and also a role in the 2010 Census Count.

3. Moby dredges the bottom of the groupie gene pool.

4. Total cereal's attempt at viral marketing: FAIL

5. "Thank you for coming today. I hope you have completed your Treasury Department job applications, and have tax records for the last 17 years."

Best of metalgarth
PAZ... the PEZ knockoff made by hippies had some homo dispensers but also some 'decent tracts of land'

Best of Army of Dad
Yes, mammograms are important.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Civilian Volunteer Corps First Battalion reporting for duty, Sir Messiah."

Best of Submariner
So; why's Cher promoting the Electrical Coop?

Best of dub
I have nothing witty today....so instead, I Googled "Paz" and switched to Images (no filters)....THANK YOU GOOGLE!!!

Best of dadoctah
Fred introduces Josie and the Pussycats' new look.

Best of wacha
tetas y culos por la paz? (boobs and butts for peace?)
soy un guerrero! (I'm a warrior!)

Best of dadoctah
...and with that, Monty Hall went back to Canada.

Best of Seoulman (R)
The real reason "Take Your Daughter /Flaming Son to Work" has never been taken seriously.

Best of Kaptain Krude
An early photo of John Kerry, reporting for duty.

Best of Steve O
It's nice that women who are HPV positive have started to give fair warning to guys that they are a walking, talking, BJing biohazard.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

When All Else Fails, Kate Beckinsales



Best of Army of Dad
Once again, Thursday proves just how wrong the Muslims are about women's clothes.

Best of Jack Reacher
Gallant: "You should wear a belt, to help hold that thing up."
Goofus: Smacks Gallant.

Mirror, Mirror



Best of metalgarth
Wow! I could really do a lot of coke off this baby... and the mirror is nice, too

Best of ochagirl
"Yeah, I know that a smile won't get me through life. That's why I have boobies! Silly . . . "

Best of Double the U
Yes, that is another mirror, stop pecking at it.

Best of Army of Dad
David Duchovny has all his hard work at rehab destroyed by a mirror and a camera..

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Wonder Twin powers...activate. Activate. Activate! Why won't you activate?" Jana was dumb as a bag of hammers.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
If the democrats had come up with a stimulus package even half that attractive, we'd already be a superpower again instead of a 3rd world debtor nation.

Best of dadoctah
Seriously, dudes, this mirror is freakin' *filthy*!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I See London, I See France...

... I See a Swedish Golfer's Underpants...


1. What's the big deal? Lots of guys like to strip to their underwear and work on their putz.

2. SOTG stopped in, looked at the subject matter for Underpants Wednesday, and decided to continue his sabbatical.

3. With the government clamping down on corporate sponsorships, the PGA had to make some pretty major concessions to get the Fruit-of-the-Loom Open off the ground.

4. "I'm up to my ankles in crap, wearing a leather glove, and my shot just went into the wrong hole. I feel like Andrew Sullivan."

5. The main reason Happy Gilmore 2 failed was the replacement of Adam Sandler with Kevin Costner, but the reuse of gags from Talladega Nights didn't help either.

Best of mklasing
The failed result of AIG telling its bonus recipients to "lay low"

Best of Matt the K
Pretty much anything goes at John Daly's new signature golf course.

Best of The Man
Larry should have never challenged Tiger to a round of strip golf

Best of Army of Dad
Henrik grew tired of the wise cracks about his "short game" and angrily responded that the water was cold!

Best of Jack Reacher
"So I wait here, and you guys will chase the snipe my way, right?"

Best of mklasing
Texas A&M researcher out on the course to see if a "golf tan" comes from golf clothing or just simply playing golf.

Best of Chrees
Damn, and I thought dropping your drawers to prove you deserved to hit from the blue tees was just a joke...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Thank you granny for teaching me to always wear clean underwear; and, thank YOU grandpa for teaching me to always stuff a sock in it!"

Best of Submariner
Da-amn! Who'd a thought that a 9 iron would make that stupid gecko fly that far?

Best of ochagirl
Yes, we GET it. Sweden doesn't get a lot of sun in the winter. Still, have some decorum!

Best of dub
Ironically, now his ankles match the back of his tidy whities.

The Skier and the Banana Hammock

Brender
1. Barney Frank observes "St. Patrick's Day" in his customary fashion.

2. "No, I'm not making a statement about climate change. I'm just a pervert."

3. "Dad, give it up. Brent the ski instructor just isn't that into you."

4. It took some doing, but Frank managed to come up with a look that's the exact anti-thesis of "ghetto-fabulous."

5. Standard cap #557: "My eyes! The goggles! They do nothing!"


Best of Army of Dad
Gay Ski Patrol never really caught on with regular network viewers and was soon pushed onto Logo.

Best of Army of Dad
He wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie neon green monokini, that he skied in for the first time today.

Best of Army of Dad
"Last time I bet against a tax cheat being confirmed as the Treasury Secretary..."

Best of Adjustah
I see UAE, I see Dubai,
I see the hairy pouch of some doughy guy...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Northern Border Patrol units finally catch the oddest cocaine mule ever. Dubbed the "Borat Goober," he'd been skiing back and forth right under their noses for years.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Chairman 0 and Some Herbs in a Bowl

Brender

1. "Uh, um, you see, um, there's a bunch of, uh, playa-hatas out on, the, uh, internet, and, um, they're gonna write nothing but, um, pot and, um, arugula captions. Joe, what's the number of that caption website?"

2. "Dude, um, you should really put a little, um, chlorine in your goldfish bowl."

3. Continuing his custom of inappropriate gifting, Chairman Zero presents the Prime Minister of New Zealand with a bowl of "Primo Hawaiian Chronic."

4. "Just. Sleep. With. This. Pod. Plant. Next. To. Your. Bed. Mr. President."

5. "Just what I, um, always wanted: the severed head of Beast Boy! And freshly permed, too!"

Very Ni Best of Rodney Dill
"Sir... I brought you a shrubbery."

Best of Army of Dad
"OK, don't get your Irish up, I have some nice DVDs to go with this too."

Best of Whacko
Having taken heavy criticism about his boxed DVD gift sets to the UK PM, Obama decides to give away Chia Pets from now on.

Best of Chrees
Glass bowl: $5.99
Chia pet: $8.99
Pissing off yet another (former) ally of the U.S.: Priceless

Best of Submariner
Treat it well; it's all that's left of the US economy...

Best of Submariner
M'chel sent you an arugala Bundt...

Best of GregMan
"...and I'd like to, um, thank myself, um, for creating, um, all plant life on this, um, planet..."

Best of mklasing
"A bowl of grass? Um, I'm from Ireland, not Iceland you metrosexual moron"

Best of Mr. Right
"I'd like to thank myself for this wonderful gift I've given me... oh, shoot, Prime Minister, I think that was your line..."

Beer me

Brender
1. Ted Kennedy's wake was in keeping with the standards of dignity he brought to the US Senate.

2. AIG employees make the most of their bailout bonuses.

3. "You're right, guys. Who cares about vetting the Obamassiah's Treasury nominees? Let's party!"

4. "Hey! Somebody get that dead hooker outta the driveway! We need to make another beer run!" Easter with the Kennedies.

5. We've switched these frat boys regular beers with urine samples. Let's see if they notice.

Best of Matt the K
Ogre killed 3 bystanders after losing the chug contest to LaMarr's "Limp-Wristed Drinking Technique".

Best of dadoctah
Where'd that heavyset German waitress get to with my other ten beers?

Best of Whacko
Meanwhile, in Chicago, ACORN, sponsors an American Tea Party protest with their own, slightly different version.

Best of dub
The food-stamp lines are much more enjoyable under the new administration.

Monday, March 16, 2009

So Simple A Caveman Can Do It

Semper Gumby

1. I don't wanna say this guy is ugly, but if you cut off his hand, you can make three tragically ironic wishes.

2. "But I don't wanna be captioned!" The monkey-man insisted, scratching frantically to try and break out of the jpg.

3. And now to explain how Global Climate Change threatens us all with annihilation, I present Al Gore's good friend and mentor, Dr. Zaius.

4. From the front row of the press conference, Helen Thomas screeches for Obama's attention.

5. Senor Wences FAIL!

Best of Army of Dad
"If you do not ruin your economy with the cap and trade scheme I will stalk you from the shadows and growl at you like this, ARGH!"

Best of dadoctah
Okay, I take it back. Andrew Jackson's *not* the ugliest possible guy to have on our currency.

Best of Jay Guevara
Brad Pitt: "All I did was reach out and touch Henry Waxman, and poof! next thing I knew..."

Best of Army of Mom
He's either doing a Baylor University Sic 'em, Bears or he had a stroke. I'm going with stroke.

Best of prince of leaves
Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) talks to reporters after being freed from six months' captivity at the hands of his crazy wife Monica.

Best of prince of leaves
Where will *you* be when your recessive hominid DNA kicks in?

Best of Jay Guevara
"No, see? I can't quite oppose my thumb. Why do you ask?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Geico, Geico, Geico! I swear, if hear the word Geico one! more! time!, I will crush them with my mighty claw-hand!"

Best of Seoulman (R)
he's creepy and he's kooky
mysterious and spooky

Best of Natasha
"MEOW! RAWRR!" Halle Berry did not age well since Catwoman.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Henri Blogett pours his heart out to a crowd of fellow nerds about his dream of squeezing just one boobie.

Best of Matt the K
Ever since Filmation cancelled "Masters of the Universe", BeastMan has had to scrape a living on the lecture circuit.

Best of Adjustah
Fans for Michael Jackson's "Final Tour" were sorely disappointed..."

The President Is a Bad, Bad Man



1. "Hey, Barry! What are you doin' man? That's a little girl's mouth, not the American economy!"

2. "And what else did they teach you in J-School, Carol Ann?"

3. STIMULATED PACKAGE. I HAS IT!

4. Obama personally administers the standardized achievement test for his kindergarten sex ed courses.

5. "B1tch is gonna die," Sullivan muttered over and over in a jealous rage. "B1tch is gonna die."


Best of Matt the K
"I don't care if you do represent the Lollipop Guild! Suck it!!!"

Best of Seoulman (R)
so wait, so the waffle says to the arugula....

Best of Submariner
Ho-Ly-CRAP! Cousin Oliver done taught his boy good!

Best of Army of Dad
Well Suzy, if you don't want your mommy and daddy to be shipped to the FEMA camps you had better get with my program!

Best of Army of Dad
You pull the white girl in, you pull the white girl out, you do the Bailout Pokey and you laugh your commie @ss off...

Best of Capt. Queeg
DYN-O-MITE!

Best of dub
I CAN HAZ MOUTHFUL OF STIMULUS?

Best of prince of leaves
"It's *good* to be the Messiah!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"That was goooooood! Now bring me the next American taxpayer!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
What no one saw is the kid's t-shirt that read: "Your daughter taught me that thing you like..."

Best of RonF
I didn't know Harry Reid had a pony tail!

Best of steve o
Once again, let BUSH get a public bj from an underage middle-schooler, and the press would HOWL!

Best of Rodney Dill
Overall Obama was pleased with the improvement of the consistency, color, and bouquet of his stool... he just wished he'd been in the bathroom at the time.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

What do you make of this?

Sondra K


Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: "Hoboken? Oooo, I'm dyin' again!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Robert Reich always hated "Theme Days" at the White House.

Best of Pendark
Michael Moore sets up his new "documentary" on global warming.

Best of dub
Worst Knock-Off Version Of Linux EVAH!!

Best of Adriane
No, I don't think Burgess Meredith was your father. And no, I won't lend you $10,000 bucks until he comes to pick you up.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Son, being stupid and frozen is no way to go through life

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Look, when I said I wanted to be in a box that was freezing, I was really hinting that I wanted to have sex with Hillary."

Best of Tim
Gay penguins have refrigerated closets

Best of mklasing
Man, Rick Moranis' career has really tanked.

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I have an outfit like this.
What? I like penguins.

Best of Natasha
Here is what would've happened if Ed Gein's mother was a penguin.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Another Little Slice of Life


1. Another way to "test for gay" is to have the suspect play Wii with "Ugly Betty" for 20 minutes. If he has no freakin' clue who Ugly Betty is, he's definitely not gay.

2. "Son, why waste your life playing video games , when you could be dating lovely young girls like the ones to your ri-- ... Um, never mind."

3. (20 minutes later) "Um, you guys, this is just a demo. The controllers aren't even plugged in."

4. Ninetendo announces its new game "Stimulus for Wii:" You throw money all over the place, and then nothing happens.

5. (Blonde Lisa Kudrowish chick) "Envy! So glad you came out of the hallway to join us. You can hang up your coat over there."

Best of dadoctah
Forgotten for decades, the Wii port of "Custer's Revenge" became a surprise hit in junior-high gyms across the country.

Best of Double the U
If you wonder why everyone is worried about how fat school kids are getting it is because they replaced gym class with this.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Press the thumb button now, and you can nationalize the corrupt capitalist corporation." Video games released during the Obama administration all bore a similar theme.

Best of Oiao
Thought Bubble -- "I can't believe I got stuck in virtual sex education with this ugly bitch, and she does not even know how to use the controller's A and B buttons to get into the missionary position."

Best of Submariner
Timmy was aghast as the victorious Zelda took his sword, severed his digital member, held it aloft and ran towards the waiting unicorn.

Best of Army of Dad
Another crazy Saturday night in Mormon country!

Best of The Man
MBA students prepare for life outside of college - nice diploma, no job, plenty of free time.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Fire In Your Eyes


1. "So, how do you like the habanero burritos?"

2. Another American learns what his taxes will be when Chairman Zero gets done with economy.

3. "Did I bring back any souvenirs from Chulac? Funny you should ask..."

4. "My mother does what in hell?"

5. "Dude, this is really, really good acid."

Best of Mr. Right
"Obamunists suck! Hulk-Boy Smash!"

Best of dadoctah
"This driver's license you handed me is a pretty bad fake, son. Here under 'eye color' it says...now that can't be right."

Best of mklasing
Look mom, you can see the glow of our economy going up in flames reflected in Timmy's eyes.

Best of steve o
Don't tease the happy fun devil child.

Best of steve o
Generally, Shia Labouf uses his powers only for good. But sometimes...

Best of Submariner
Evidently, Billy's getting checked early for colon cancer.

Best of Adjustah
Superman was a real prick in high school...

Best of Army of Dad
Visine, desperate to connect with a new generation shunted Ben Stein aside.

Best of prince of leaves
Before being discovered by Charles Xavier, a young Cyclops loved testing his emerging powers on the neighborhood cats.

Best of robert
So this is what happens when you don't empty your bladder for a week.

Maybe Not Hot in the Conventional Sense



1. Apparently, nature doesn't want you to touch this one either.

2. Ahmadinejihad has similar dreams, except it's an enticing young hairless boy in place of a chick.

3. I think she's just trying to say she's really, really, REALLY not that into you.

4. "Plutonium breast implants will be great, you said. Much safer than silicone, you said."

5. How Andrew Sullivan sees... every woman on Earth, pretty much.

Best of Army of Dad
She is rad.

Best of Submariner
I'm not scared off by a High Rad Area warning sign. A Bio-Hazard Warning would be different...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Here you are, Madame Secretary; the new signs that say 'Reset' in Russian."

Best of Jack Reacher
She offers the curie for what ails you.

Best of jj
Where's my iodine tabs?

Best of dadoctah
Jennifer's warning sign backfired. Sure, all the *normal* guys were scared off, but it didn't even slow down all the ones with webbed toes, three arms and open facial sores.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Now Serving #27


Best of John.....just John
Maybe if I do this chicken dance really sexy-like, that guy with the beard and hat taking my picture will let me come home with him.

Best of The Man
AIG has developed new revenue streams, Obama will have to figure out what to do with all the dollar bills with glitter on them.

Best of The Man
Obama's new pick as chair of the National Intelligence Council was seen as a major step-up from Charles Freeman.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Excuse me, I can't find a price tag on...oh, never mind, there it is."

Best of jeff
"Give me an 'K'!" - cheerleader tryouts at Lightspeed University didn't really emphasize cheerleading skills.

Best of Army of Dad
WHO DOES NUMBER 27 WORK FOR!?

Best of dadoctah
It finally happened. The participants at MTV's Beach Party Blast are too young to remember what the M used to stand for.

Another Slant on HBT



Best of GregMan
President Soetero's gift to the Japanese Prime Minister was still inappropriate, but made a better impression than Gordon Brown's DVD's.

Best of Jack Reacher
The shirt wrapped around her forearm, the tense, crouching pose--obviously she's preparing for a knife fight.

Best of Army of Dad
This chick even brought her own clean up rag for afterwards!

Best of Matt the K
Only a B-cup???!! Obviously she was not banished to the Land of Wind and Boobs long enough.

Best of Natasha
Barney Frank:"I have the same bikini!"

Best of baslimthecripple
matambok na puki!!!

Best of steve o
Funny. Every Thursday evening I have to wrap my hand in towel too...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Yeah, it's a naked guy with a Guitar


1. "Does this bus go to Folsom Street?"

2. Another hopeful auditions for Boston's hottest boy band: "Barney Frank and the Teabags."

3. "Hey, you! Your pasty white a$ better not be getting glitter all over my clean bus seats!"

4. Get on the Bus, an Ang Lee joint.

5. "I keep feeling like there's something I forgot to do this morning."

6. Very Brady Insider ORA: Frank IBC takes up the gee-tar.

Best of Army of Dad
Guitar cat not happy with new owner.

Best of Tim
OFuturamaRA: Fry's mobile apartment had great acoustics.


Best of Adjustah
No, seriously - has ANYONE seen Wil Wheaton recently?

Best of Atomic Lib Smasher
Where's Bluto from Animal House when ya need him? Thought several passengers on the 7:25 uptown Metrolink.

Best of Silhouette
"Uh, Mr. Miyagi? How will this make me better at karate? And why do you have that video camera?"

Best of dadoctah
Just be glad it's not an accordion.

Best of Matt the K
This guy REALLY should have called free_credit_report_dot_com!

Best of Uhcuk the Tuchuck
Laughin' on the bus, playing games with the faces...
She said the naked guy with the guitar was a freak.
I said be careful if he moves it we'll sure get an eyefull.

--Lesser known lyrics from Simon and Garfunkel.

Best of Silhouette
Technically, Sir, I don't think being tone deaf counts as a handicap.

Best of dub
Johnny finds a way to kill some time while waiting to get his ass glittered.

A Friend Is Someone Who'll Blow Butt Glitter on Your Tushie

Brender

1. "If this powder doesn't work, I got some WD-40 that'll get your thong out of your ass crack."

2. "I really should stop watching this and look up the Russian word for 'Reset,'" thought the SecState, but then she figured, N-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h.

3. "Dammit Quaneesha, lay off the damn olestra potato chips!"

4. Like many members of the Bush Administration, Condaleezza Rice found it difficult to find work.

5. "OK, it's tucked in real tight. Let's start the drag show."

Best of Army of Dad
"A black man President? Yeah right, and glitter might blow out my butt!"

Best of curly
"...and sitting in for the ailing President Obama: a big black ass with sparkles on it."

Best of Army of Dad
Her name is Rio and she blows sparkles on an ass...

Best of dub
Where you will be when her laxative kicks in?

Best of dub
Michelle thought to herself, "this will make a great gift for those England dignitary people".

Best of Pendark
Michelle explains how to make yourself fart fresh air like the president.

Best of Kaptain Krude
I've heard of "kissing your ass goodbye", but this is some kind of twist that I'm not sure I like.

(Or maybe I do.)

Best of dub
WOOHOO!! First new job has been created!!

Best of Adjustah
Commander Riker slowly began to suspect that Geordi had drunkenly saved over his favorite holodeck program...

Best of prince of leaves
The cheerleaders of New Orleans Public School #12 prepare for the big halftime extravaganza.

Best of prince of leaves
A lady-in-waiting prepares Empress M'chel for her wifely duties.

Best of mega
"I know, My Queen. It is an outrage that you brought Mr. Obama a 1700 year old solid gold zebra symbolizing our country's beautiful wildlife, and he gave you a $3 thong. That is his way."

Best of GregMan
"Tell me again, Mr. President, how exactly is this going to make the sea levels go down?"

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Muzzle Loader


1. You can't deny M'Chel Ob'Ama's influence on the fashion industry.

2. Advertising for the "Portable Leather Glory Hole" targeted the wrong demo.

3. In the proposed Fairness Doctrine compromise, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter would still be allowed to broadcast, but they must wear these muzzles at all times.

4. This diet aids helps you lose weight by restricting your diet to carrots, cucumbers, and, um... et cetera.

5. I see Mr. Blackwell's javelin just barely missed.

Wicked Best of Army of Dad
How hard can she suck? That used to be a ball gag.

Best of Army of Dad
When did Carl's Jr. start selling hotdogs and I didn't know Paris Hilton was still selling for them.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
No surprise here - on her MySpace page, Janice says she "likes puppies and sniffing jockstraps"

Best of Jack Reacher
Well, if she won't stop biting the upholstery, whaddya gonna do?

Best of dadoctah
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming? And started doing showtunes?

Best of mpur
Vick wondered if being an intern in Hillary's office was really worth it.

Best of mega
At $15 apiece, the Obama team's Iron Maiden Republican Convertor Unit generated more votes in the hands of the door-to-door canvassing army than twenty years of emptying the public treasury into ACORN.

Best of prince of leaves
Bitch.

Best of Matt the K
Consuela rethinks accepting the Cher's housekeeper job.

Best of Submariner
Y'know, that kinda looks like the "in flight refueling coupling target;" bet it works pretty much the same, too.

Champagne for my Real Friends, Real Pain for my Sham Friends

Army of Mom

1. "C'mon, Baby. Barack wants us to make some stem cells or whatnot."

2. ACORN celebrates its latest $5 Billion subsidy.

3. Abs of Steel FAIL!

4. The night got weirder when Sullivan yelled, "Yes, Barack, give me a caramel-colored baby!" in the midst of the buggery.

5. If you can't spare 30 minutes a day, you don't deserve a body like this.

Very Brady Best of metalgarth
Zapp Brannigan and LaBarbara Conrad's very sexy affair was never discovered until many years later

Best of Jack Reacher
That couch answers the question "What happened to Saddam Hussein's gaudy palace furniture?"

Best of The Man
You had me at "put the gun away"

Best of Army of Dad
If Detroit was suddenly relocated to Massachusetts, this guy would be elected to the House of Representatives.

Best of Submariner
...and now, straight from the Avalon Manor wine cellar...

Best of Julie the Jarhead
Wow, Donna Summer has sure let herself go.

Best of dub
Ceiling cat just barfed.

Best of jj
How to get a construction contract from Detroit City Council.

Best of GregMan
O.J.'s cellmate pulls out all the stops on Friday nights.

Best of Matt the K
Senior pictures day at Rick James Charm School

Best of Kaptain Krude
Gee, you'd think that blue dot would be bigger.*

Best of dadoctah
And this, in a nutshell, was how McMann & Tate lost the Jheri Curl account.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Let Them Eat, Um, Cake

Brender
1. "I'd sure like to eat some mushroom risotto offa that!"

2. What Shallow Hal sees when he looks at Barack Obama.

3. ORA: "Hey, somebody left this cake out in the rain. I'll never have this recipe again."

4. Mugabe's secret Mr. T fetish was incredibly aroused by the little hermaphrodite's five o'clock shadow.

5. Mugabe mentally rehearses his never-fail pick-up line, "Hey, baby. How about I kill a white farmer and give you all his property?"

Best of Submariner
Thought bubble; "That jack@ss say 'Baby got back' one more time and I don't care if he IS President for Life - I'll be-yotch slap his nappy @ss back into the 19th century..."

Best of Army of Dad
In Detroit city council meetings black people are served cake and punch by cute little girls. White people are punched by thugs.

Best of metalgarth
The Blaxploitation version of Return of the Jedi featured a Jabba the Hutt who was... uh, pretty uch the same as the original

Best of The Man
Mugabe can have his $90,000,000,000,000,000,000 cake and eats it too.

Best of dub
Oh just walk by me will you?? We'll see who's laughing when I have a Tonka truck "accidentally" hit you in the playground later.

Best of prince of leaves
"...Happy Birthday, Dear Zardoz..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"So, Ay'Yeesha, you ever been in a Zimbabwe prison?"

Best of Natasha
Mugabe felt "fresh and natural" in his astro turf chair. On the other hand, it might've just been Tampax.

Best of Mr. Hankey
The Cosby Show 2010 - Bill stabs himself with a fork to keep his natural emotions under control. Also, Cleo gets parolled.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Oprah's haunting memory... the last time she walked past a fattening dessert without scooping it right off a plate.

Best of Seoulman (R)
TV Commericial

When you have a passion for fashion
You have a craving for saving
Come on down
Our prices are insane.... so's our president

Best of duke of red
OM NOM NOM NOM!!!!

Don't Mess with the Lunch Lady


1. Serving arugula while the Titanic lists heavily to port, an excellent metaphor for the Obama administration.

2. "Soylent tater tots are made out of capitalist counter-revolutionaries!"

3. "Streetman" Taylor couldn't help thinking of all the Thunderbird he could buy after he sold his picture of Bigfoot to the Enquirer.

4. For the first time in her life, M'chel O'Bama is proud of her tater tots.

5. Mr. Obama would have served lunch, too. But it turns out he just wasn't qualified.

Wicked Best of Adjustah
"This gagh is atrocious," though M'Chel, "but the Rokeg blood pie is palatable if you wash it down with enough raktajino!"

Best of Army of Dad
Michelle was used to wearing gloves what with all the sh!t that comes out of her husband's mouth...

Best of Mr. Hankey
As she prepares to spit her poisonous venom, Agent 009 quickly protects himself with a plasma force field control. SMERSH is defeated again.

Best of the doyle
You don't need those silly vouchers, here have a taco.

Best of metalgarth
I told you that girl who played Tootie on Facts of Life works at Old Country Buffet now. Here's a picture to prove it.

Best of Submariner
Yo, bi-yotch; skip the greens and give me a order of breast with a double side of WHOA!
Skip the thighs...

Best of prince of leaves
"Miriam's Thursday Menu: Doom Risotto, Gory Muffin, Oily Baked Whore, Wheat Rocks, Twit Salad."

Best of Army of Mom
Mrs. Willis knew marrying that white man would eventually be her downfall. Look where it got her now.

Best of Jack Reacher
A New York Times reporter waits to be spoon-fed.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Fascinating, Captain. The tricorder shows no sign of intelligent life."

Best of GregMan
Immediately afterwards, Tyrone's cell phone melted into a sizzling pile of goo.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick ass!



Very Brady Best of Mr. Hankey
Goodnight sun...Goodnight moon...Goodnight horny unicorn rubbing oil on a ... fiscally irresponsible president.

Best of GregMan
See, this is what happens when you let Barney Frank pick the artist for your official White House portrait.

Best of Oiao
"Your going to need, um, uh, uh, um, a bit more, um, KY for that Big Boy."

Best of dub
Hey, its just a little suntan lotion....its a hell of a lot better than what you just sprayed all over MY back.

Best of Army of Dad
It rubs the lotion on The One or else it gets the hose again!

Best of sonicfrog
"And here we have a picture of the lovely stained glass window featured prominently at The New Reform Church Of Enumclaw"

Best of Natasha
Is it cheating if its with a unicorn?

Best of That was bad enough to post as anon
Barack the majic negro lived by the see and frolicked witht he unicorns in the land on illini...

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Prick Up Your Ears

Shorpy
1. Barney Frank's pages didn't understand why he didn't appreciate the gift. "What the heck is 'boo-dwar photography' anyway?'"

2. Sorry guys, you're a little late to the party on the "Boy Band" Craze.

3. "Billy-Bob, I'm almost sure a' enema t'ain't s'posed to go in yer ear."

4. "We shove this needle in, inject a neurocide kill off your higher cognitive functions, teach you to chant 'Hope and Change' and get ACORN register you to vote."

5. "Aw, c'mon, Billy, don't be selfish. Let us extract and consume your brain juice!"

Best of Jack Reacher
In an example of HopenChange Economics, the boys pooled their resources to buy a hood strut for a Chrysler 300, figuring it will be worth a fortune once Chrysler and its suppliers no longer exist.

Best of Army of Dad
My little plunger boy, a rump-pa-pum, damn he is dumb.

Best of Matt the K
And here we have a tintype photo of typical West Virginia children at the turn of the century. The 21st century, to be exact.

Best of Tim
Hogwart's rather simple beginings

Best of Silhouette
Three out of four urchins agree, closely cropped hair is the best lice preventative.

Best of Natalia
Young Barney Frank was pretty serious about holding on to his skin flute.

Best of dadoctah
"Let's try it again, and this time, MORE COWBELL!!!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
A Public Service Message from the office of Nancy Pelosi reminding you that these children were not necessary.