Saturday, January 31, 2009

Because You're Never Too Young to Play Quarters



1. "Keep your money coach. How 'bout if I sink this one, I get to have my way with your daughter. Deal?"

2. Campers at Vincent Jackson Football Camp relax after a tough day of drills.

3. "Football camp? Laws, no! This is softball camp."

4. "This is a college prep class ... if you're going to Arizona State."

5. "Of course I've seen a grown man naked. I was a House Page for Barney Frank."

Best of Jack Reacher
When Pete Rose lent his endorsement to a youth sports league, the results were predictable.

Best of Matt the K
Timmy was just relieved to get a break from playing 'Cornhole' with Coach Larry.

Best of jj
Don't you forget, if you win by 100-0 you're ass is otta here!!

Best of Whacko
You mean UVA got ranked as the number 3 party school for this?!

Best of Submariner
OK, coach - I drop this one and YOU'RE bottom tonight?

Best of Matt the Kostume
Let me guess, Art Schlister is scheduled to be the guest referee at the finals?

Best of Army of Dad
The family that drinks together finds drunk half naked sorority chicks together.

Best of dub
Hey Coach Sweaty Moobs, watch this shot!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Animals for the Enjoyment of Tasty People

Semper Gumbi

1. How the Democrat Party views the average American taxpayer.

2. Advertising works. I have this sudden urge to eat a prostitute.

3. If they really wanted people to go veg, this ad would use Rosie O'Donnell.

4. Jenny's victimhood complex was really beginning to annoy her few remaining friends.

5. Lunch is served at the State Department. Curiously, it was like this even before Hillary got there.

Best of Jack Reacher
"No, when I said I wanted no dressing...Actually, you know what? This is good. This is good."

Best of metalgarth
nothing looks better than lean unprocessed soylent green!

Best of dub
"All Animals Have the Same Parts" Thanks PETA...now I feel like screwing my neighbors cat.

Best of dub
Chuck is such a dumbass....he totally called dibs on the wrong part.

Best of Whacko
If this is the "Veg Starter Kit", I'm in - hat, ass, and poncho.

Best of Army of Dad
Yes, some pounded round sounds like an excellent dinner choice.

Best of ochagirl
This ad just makes me want to have a bacon burger at a lesbian club.

Best of molson
That there rump is going to need some tenderizing and I got just the tool for the job.

Best of jeff
"Illustration from the Tau Cetan book, "To Serve Man."

Best of Army of Mom
Hannibal's food pyramid.

Best of prince of leaves
Round: it sure is, and delightfully so.

Best of Rodney Dill
I wonder if they come battered?

Best of Atomic Lib Smasher
I wonder if "Roast Beef Curtains" would be marked on the front side.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
FYI, PETA's Free Veg Starter Kit includes: 1 pack of bean sprouts, a Hollywood map of celebrity vegans' homes, and a quaalude (to help quell those pesky Upton Sinclair nightmares)

Best of flyovercountry
While true that all animals have the same parts, some animals definitely have better parts than others.

A Blond Begins Her Morning

The Ref

1. The 2010 Cthulu devours another victim.

2. Andrew Sullivan didn't care much for cars, but he knew a fabulous pair of pumps when he saw them.

3. Looks like Eliot Spitzer is going to be late for work again, at whatever the hell his job is.

4. Divine Miss M prepares to "work out" another speeding ticket.

5. "She shimmies a little bit when you hit 120, but other than that she's cherry."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Nothing says PASS better then a student driver who can signal a left turn while -
a) parallel parking
b) polishing a gear shift knob
c) keeping the instructor in an upright position


Best of Rodney Dill
Hello Blondestar?

Best of Jack Reacher
Frequent shopper Dawn waits for her favorite Old Navy store to open.

Best of Chrees
I see they are bringing back the Mercury Cougar

Best of dub
Ding.... your whore is ajar.... Ding.... your whore is ajar...

Best of Submariner
It slowed the line, but everbody stopped to watch when Molly installed the glove-box latch.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Doublemint Blue

The Ref


Best of The Man
Kia is thinking of recalling 20,000 Sorrentos and their long, black hood ornaments.

Best of Jack Reacher
After Congress assumes control of the auto industry, all models will lean to the left.

Best of metalgarth
I prefer bigger headlights, but those are some nice looking bumpers

Best of six degrees of blondness
Throw out your hands/Stick out your tush/Hands on your hips... er.. Ur doin' it wrong!

Best of sonicfrog
ShoeChick said..."Worst. Static cling. Ever."

Worng!

Best. Static. Cling... EVER!!!

VerWord: outmast

Best of Colorado Patriot
Love it when the lesbians dance cheek-to-cheek.

Why We Like White Girls

The Ref


Best of Double the U
Ahhh, auto-erotica.

Best of The Man
"Uhh this is the front end of the car, where the lights go"

Best of John
Toyota's idea of a "stimulus package"

Best of Army of Mom
That thing got a hemi?

Best of Submariner
She doesn't make ME want a Toyota. She makes me crave a Hummer...

Best of Army of Mom
The whites are finally doing it right.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My Parents Used to Threaten Me With This



1. V the K blames his inability to be as funny as Iowahawk on traumatic childhood incidents like this.

2. "That foaming at the mouth? It means he just brushed his teeth, Billy."

3. "Notice how while you have experienced a head-rush, all your money has fallen from your pockets and been snatched up by greedy little scavengers. Now, do you understand Obamunism, Billy?"

4. "His guard is down, Billy. Grab him, and we'll eat meat tonight!" Oddly enough, the raccoon was thinking the same thing.

5. "Do you still wanna play with Barbie dolls, Billy? Or do I need to dangle teh ghey outta you some more?"

Best of Jack Reacher
Woman's thought bubble: If he's feeding them that, they're never gonna go for these rice cakes.

LOL Best of Matt the K
"And this is why having English majors as parents really sucks", lamented young Participle Smith.

Best of dub
Unlike other parts of the country, in the North they hang the white people over the coons.

sorry

Best of Rodney Dill
"NOOCCAR NOOCCAR!"

Best of Chrees
Hope and change... and zoos doubling as live birth abortion centers.

Best of jeff
Raccoon: "I've got him sir, you can let go of the legs now."

Best of DoubleU
Ok Billy, now try and pull his mask off.

Best of prince of leaves
"Ahh, another offering. You have done well, human...your raccoon overlords are well pleased."

Best of Colorado Patriot
"Okay, son. Now we'll continue yesterday's experiment by seeing if the dip in the septic pool will fend off the varmints."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Pull me back up, Dub. You were right--they're fatties."

Best of attmay
"Okay, but if we pull you up do you promise to be a good Democrat and worship The One like we told you?"

Best of ochagirl
I know that it's hard to quit visiting http://www.hangingkidsbytheirfeet.com, but TRY, V the K, just try.

Best of molson
The raccoons proved be relatively tame. The badger cage didn't go so well.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Bubba, stop feedin' the kids to the coons! You know it gives 'em gas!

Achilles Revisited



1. "Poseidon, please receive this offering."

2. By dipping his young son in the River of Hope, Larry King turned him black and thus made him qualify for the Robert Reich "No White Males Need Apply" stimulus. He would try to attribute his pale left ankle to "that Michael Jackson disease."

3. "Don't be a wuss! Every kid likes to swim in raw, untreated sewage."

4. Britney Spears battles post-partum depression.

5. "Here Gator! Gator! Gator! Gator!"

Wicked Best of GregMan
James Lileks tries human sacrifice as a way to keep the Oak Island Water Feature running.

Best of Matt the K
Kids in Prague just love playing "Bobbing for Carp".

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
Mikul Jaxun; Ur dooing it rong

Best of flyovercountry
Black socks with sandals, knickers, shaved head and a backpack. He's not dipping the kid, the kid is trying to escape.

Best of prince of leaves
"I KNOW it's a gawdarmed toxic waste pond - you think I got money for a store-bought lice treatment?"

>Best of Buzzhead
This oughta teach you not to make fun of my receding hairline!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Twenty five years from now, this kid will stand up in a ski lift chair and... wham... déjà vu!

Best of Army of Mom
Ok, daddy, I take it back. I don't wish you were just like Steve Irwin!

Best of Whacko
Kid thought bubble: I swear, when I'm a dad, I'm not doing this to my kid! I'm hanging him over a pit of rabid raccoons!"

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

How Many Categories Do You Fall Into

Rob McG/Age of Hooper

Best of Mr Hankey
Finally...someone doesn't blame the Jews.

Best of dub
Ironically, porno freak, sports nut and drunk were 3 of my dating criteria.

Best of dub
dub's sign also includes "fat chicks".

Best of Matt the Kostume
Shortly after the rally, Herman was forced to kill himself when he found out the proclivities of his favorite two bands: Judas Priest and the Osmond Brothers.

Best of Chrees
Simon Cowell unveils the concept for his next talent show.

Best of dadoctah
He ran out of room on the sign before he got to "The Professor and Mary Ann".

Best of Matt the Kostume
Soon after, Baby Killing Women called their agent. "Dammit, how come Warning ALWAYS gets top billing!!!"

Best of attmay
Finally, Fred Phelps got some new signs and got rid of those tacky gradient backgrounds!

Best of Army of Mom
WOO. NO CEILING CATS LISTED. IZ SAF.

Best of Buzzhead
I think this guy is seriously conflicted. He's against sports nuts *and* homos?


So in this guy's worldview...

Nancy Pelosi
Howard Stern
Pat Summerall
Ted Kennedy
Andrew Sullivan
Sarah Silverman and
Mitt Romney

occupy essentially the same moral plane.

Nature Is Just SCREAMING "Do Not Touch!"



1. "Damn it, where's my 'Warning, Baby-Killing Women, Porno Freaks, Sports Nuts, Drunks, Homos, Jesus Mockers, Mormons, Judgment Coming' sign?"

2. Another disappointed performance artist is a refused a grant on the basis his work is "too banale."

3. I dare ennui to even try and get a grip on this guy.

4. Winter camo: UR DOING IT WRONG!

5. Grandpa wondered why his yard sales were always so unsuccessful.

Best of Adjustah
Some days it was tough being a sniper in the Canadian Armed Forces.

Best of Tim
A devoted fan of Chick-Fil-a, demands you eat more chicken

Best of dub
Got Milk...NICE TRY

Best of dadoctah

Worst.

Superhero.

Ever.

Best of Rodney Dill
Brett Favre in the off-season

Best of Rodney Dill
Ennui... its a lot like that.

Best of Jack Reacher
Some communities just can NOT be organized.

Best of metalgarth
25 years is too long to wait for a sequel to Top Secret

Best of steve o
Laugh at me, will they????

Best of Matt the K
All your milk are belong to Zeke.

Best of Mr. Right
ORA: "Hey, there, RAWMUSLGLUTES... I got yer 'milky loads' right here!"

Best of Rodney Dill
SERENITY COW!!!

Best of GregMan
I see Mike Rowe has finally snapped after putting his hand up one cow butt too many on "Dirty Jobs".

Best of flyovercountry
When Bubba went trick or treating, he always got the best candy.

Best of Buzzhead
... It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you be my neighbor?

Best of Colorado Patriot
"So I says, 'Whaddayamean, the new iPhone won't let you send picture messages? Now that's what I call crazy!'"

Mellow Out, Yellow Dudes

Brender

1. ♪♪ "Quit Prayin' Games With My Heart"♪♪

2.♪♪"Throw out your hands!!Stick out your tush!! Hands on your hips!! Give them a push!!You'll be surprised!! You're doing the French Mistake!!..................VOILA!!"♪♪

3. The Koreans were determined to be a Powerhouse when dodgeball became an Olympic sport.

4. ... blah blah blah George Takei blah blah blah show tunes ...

5. Kobe tours Korea.


Super Chinpokoman Best of Matt the K
Five! Five yuan! Five yuan foot rong!!!

Best of John
Little Sung Park's paternity suit just got really complicated.

Best of metalgarth
Fighting Force of Extraordinary Magnitude... UR DOIN' IT RONG

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Synchronized flatulence and perfect harmony. Now that's talent!

Best of Mr Hankey
The "Jenna Jameson Acting School" takes off in China.

Best of dub
INVISIBLE BUTT SEKS

Best of Mr. Right
ORA: It takes a great deal of practice to be ready for one of RAWMUSLGLUTES' milky loads!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After overruning a strategic location, the Chinese military prepare to mark their territory

Best of molson
Extreme ice fishermen practice embellishing the size of the catch.

Best of Cybrludite
He's reavin' on the mindnight tlain for Georgia... (reaving on the midnight tlain... Woo-woo!)

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yes, yes, comrades, and then don't forget to give him a reach-around!"

Best of Colorado Patriot
Morale in Bataan really improved after Billy Blanks was captured.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Lucky Abdul

Brender
1. "Your mother and I will miss you, son."

2. "Wow! An internship with the Mayor of Portland Oregon! How did you ever swing that, Abdul?"

3. Obama's next executive order allowed Gitmo detainees conjugal visits.

4. The Axe effect hits Afghanistan.

5. Tony Shaloub's role-playing fetishes are bizarre and elaborate.

Best of Carpe Plogiston
Where in the world is Stanley Tucci?
Nah, the Matt Lauer sandwich is more believable.

Best of GregMan
Achmed thought his father and uncle finally accepted his gay lifestyle. Unfortunately, they were only kissing him goodbye before stoning him to death.

Best of Silhouette
...walk into a bar.

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
Turkey, Syria and Saudi Arabia come out for Gaza.
Afterwards, they sang Broadway Show Tunes and played Charades.

Best of dadoctah
Everyone approved enthusiastically when Steve Carrell joined the Salvation Army.

Best of Army of Mom
Boris hums "torn between two lovers" to himself.

Best of Atomic Lib Smasher
"Not my ideal threesome, but I'll take it!" thought the 40 Year Old Virgin.

Best of Mr Hankey
Captain Sullenberger is sent off on his next mission.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The makers of Enzyte had not really thought through the "Smirking Mo" ad campaign for the Middle East....

Best of Matt the Kostume
Aaaaaahhhhhh, the perks of being President of Syria.

You rang?

AM42

1. "Hey kids! Guess what celebrity is fellating me behind the door and win a trip to Caracas! First hint: Mystic River. More to come! Bye!"

2. Next week on The Obamas, whacky next door neighbor Hugo drops by to advise on economic policy.

3. "H-e-e-e-e-e-e-r-e-s Hugo!"

4. ORA: Seeing what was coming out of his closet, Binkley prayed, "Please, can I just have the snorklewhacker back?"

5. "There! Narnia is collectivized, the White Witch is in charge, and Aslan is imprisoned with all the other dissidents."

Best of GregMan
"Where da white women at?"

Best of Jay Guevara
"What am I bid for this fine example of decadent capitalist doors?"

Best of Chrees
Without fellow Stooges Fidel and Sean, the "Hello!" routine fell horribly flat.

Best of Matt the K
I'm not wearing any pantalones. Film at 11.

Best of Snowdog
Mom, Dad! Hugo Chavez won't come out of the closet!

Best of molson
You mean there's still one profitable company left for me seize? Yesssss!

Best of dadoctah
When you open the door, will your Mystery Date be a dream...or a dud?

Best of Rodney Dill
I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you... and please don't call me Shirley.

Best of dub
SOUTH AMERICAN GLORY HOLE....TOO HI BUT RITE SIZE.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Shorpy's Gonna Sue Me

Shorpy 1. "Billy, did I ever tell you about 'Woodstock?'"

2. Barney Frank's "Mrs. Doubtfire" costume didn't fool anyone.

3. Helen Thomas's cameo in 'Christmas Story' had to be edited out to avoid an NC-17 rating.

4. "Don't let the Zionist media poison your mind, Billy. The Fuhrer was a good man!"

5. "Stop being provincial! In Europe, people don't think twice about unconventional relationships."

Update: On a related note... Ewwwwww!

Best of Matt the K
Mamaw's frequent 'night visits' were one thing, but Dean finally drew the line when she forced him to wear denim skirts.

Best of Matt the K
No Billy, there is no Grandpa Sam any more. From now on, it's "Grandma Sally".

Best of metalgarth
So Billy... have you ever seen a geriatric cross-dresser naked?

Best of Jack Reacher
"I hope you don't mind sharing the chair, Timmy. Michelle Obama took my couch for her dress."

Best of mega
The real-life Benjamin Buttons was no Brad Pitt pussy; he stuck around, and the relationship remained conjugal to the bitter end.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
According to his defense attorney, polygamist cult leader Warren Jeffs was himself pimped out as a child bride to then clan matriarch, Bertha P. Dimwiddy, and her 4 butch half-sisters.

Best of prince of leaves
2028: The wide availability of antigeria pills gave rise to a new form of "mixed marriage".

Best of Submariner
This time with tongue, Ralphy, or you get another bunny suit at Christmas.

Best of dub
Where will you be when your grammy's laxative kicks in?

Best of Snowdog
Later, little Billy's despairing parents wondered why a good boy from a stable family had started doing crystal meth.

Best of GregMan
Off the set, the cast of The Golden Girls threw some really wild orgies.

Best of Army of Mom
Granny's gonna make you forget all about those bullies at school. Pucker up!

Best of flyovercountry
You know Timmy, Lassie is not going to save you now.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Another First Lady In Full Battle Dress

Divine Miss M.


1. ♫"We got a thing and it's called... (bump bump bump) ... Vadar Love..."♫

2. On the left, David Prowse as Darth Vader. On the right, Hayden Christiansen as Darth Vader.

3. "Oh, crap, Mrs. Obama is wearing the same gown."

4. "The wookies will get kooky/The Jedi will get redeye/And the Sith will be fit," Emperor Palpatine also had a racist minister lead his prayer.

5. Jeri Ryan never revealed the really, really humiliating parts of her marriage.

Speaking of Like-a-Looks, Six Degrees of Blondness sends along some.

Best of The Man
The Cheney's took a much needed vacation following 8 years in the White House.

Best of GregMan
"I am your father, Luke. And this is your mother."

Best of Jack Reacher
When word got out that Phil Specter and Robert Blake were in the dating market again, eligible women wore appropriate ballistic headgear.

Best of Jack Reacher
Former French president Chirac and his wife found their poodle's moodiness required certain adjustments.

Best of Kaptain Krude
I advise black to take it back.

Best of prince of leaves
Darth: "Don't be too proud of this tuna-noodle casserole you've constructed. The ability to cook a dish-to-pass is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

Best of dadoctah
"Come over to the Dark Side. We got chicks."

Best of Matt the Kostume
Bernie hadn't quite figure out how to make a realistic-enough face for his fembot, so he just stuck a Darth Vader helmet on her and called it good.

Best of steve o
World's sexiest full-body burn victim.

Best of molson
So I guess a BJ is pretty much out of the question.

Best of JarJar the B
Bwwweeeeeee! Meesa gotsanudda chubchub. And Vader's wifesa hothot toooooooo!

Best of Matt the K
Mrs. Vader wasn't much to look at, but she gave great helmet.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Along with labored heavy breathing and whooshing noises, a deep voice intones: Excuse me... could you tell us where the all-you-can-eat Space Herpes buffet is located?

Best of Colorado Patriot
ORA: "My wife and I will have the penne ala arabia."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Another e-Harmony success story. Now let's hope they don't breed.

Best of sonicfrog
Fearing the dark side was stronger in his significant other, especially during this time of the month, Ned decided that wearing the "I'm With Stupid" shirt would not be in his best interest.

Best of Army of Mom
Secretary of State Clinton? I see you brought Dick Cheney with you.

Best of Chrees
Wow, the control box lifts and separates!

No pony for you, Caroline


From this thread, at the flouncing off blog


1. "This reminds me of that time me and your Uncle Teddy went down to Tijuana..."

2. "Hey, is that Marilyn Monroe. Here, kids, play with this. I'll be back in ten minutes."

3. "Hey, kids, daddy needs some 'Adult Time' with Sarah Jessica Parker, so beat it."

4. "The doctors claimed you'd never be able to speak a coherent sentence again after that kick to the head, Caroline. But WTH do they know."

5. "Your Uncle Teddy brought it back from some hick town called Enumclaw. He said it was trained. I said 'trained to do what,' and he just smiled."

Wicked Best of Matt the K
" Now John-John remember, you are only qualified to ride this pony during the daytime."

Best of metalgarth
This is odd. Usually your grandfather's friends just leave the head.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"John, Caroline, meet John Kerry. John Kerry, meet my children."

Best of Silhouette
"What's that? I can't understand you. You seem a little horse."

Best of Silhouette
"I named him 'Family name' and you can ride him the rest of your life."

Best of Chrees
ORA: "I have a toy pony. He takes big shits."

Best of GregMan
"Gee, you know, Daddy, you know, uh, can we, you know, ride the, uh, you know, pony?"

Best of Submariner
No, Carolyn, you mount the pony on top... I don't care how you saw cousin Maria do it.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

CJ Approves



Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Thank you, InflataBoob!

Best of The Man
But Madam Secretary, please explain how this position will help bring peace to the Middle East.

Best of dub
I'm not sure what cause those ribbons are meant to show support for....but count me in!!

Best of Nose
When Army of Mom said "Bone sticking out" I thought she could somehow see me...

Best of mega
FINALLY, fuscia tarantulas that engage in complex pack behavior to subdue beautiful women, instead of just sitting around going "feed me, feed me".

Best of divine miss m
Behold her quivering alabaster mounds!

Best of prince of leaves
That reminds me - I missed the Golden Globes.

Best of Army of Mom
This reminds me that we need to go buy a new ice cream scooper.

Best of Snowdog
Because Dow...let's you do great things.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Those are some surprisingly strong ribbons.

Best of dub
Ceiling Cat is masturbating to this one.

Best of steve o
Yes, they are fake.
And they are spectacular.

Makes You Wanna Stick Something in her Ear, Doesn't It?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

OK, By Popular Demand, Have At It



Best of GregMan
The crowd held it's breath as the 9-ton armored SUV barreled down Pennsylvania Avenue, aiming straight for the Obamessiah and his wife. Fortunately it hit Michelle in the hips. Poor SUV never stood a chance.

Best of OneThing
The newer full body armors even have a certain drape to them. I mean, you won't see anyone on the runway with them, but still. And look at the colors: Avocado, Tangerine, and now Harvest Gold!

Best of GregMan
She looks just like Jackie O. That's if Jackie O had an extra 300pounds of meat on her, took anabolic steroids, had hips the size of redwood tree trunks, and could bench-press 600.

Best of The Man
Obama got out and walked 3 blocks, his wife's hips walked 4.

Best of sonicfrog
Barack: "Michelle, that dress is gorgeous".
Michelle: "Thank you. I saw it in the window and just had to have it"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Watch. Even now that I'm Prez, I bet I still won't have any luck hailing a cab."
Maid at Blair House: "Rosa, have joo seen the curtains in the VIP suite?"

Best of OneThing
In his first test of diplomacy, President Obama met, without preconditions, the leader of the fighting Uruk-hai.

Best of ILoveCapitalism
(Michelle to off-camera admirer-with-son:) "Give up the halfling, she-Elf!"
(Admirer:) "If you want him, come and claim him!"

Best of Dactyl
Barack thought bubble: "Just keep smiling and she won't pounce!"
wv: forshbik. The sound made by Michelle pouncing.

Best of Army of Dad
Bitch stole my couch.

Best of Army of Dad
Secret Service code name: Loveseat.

Best of molson
Oh I see the problem. She left her battle axe in the limo. No wonder why the outfit didn't work.



Best of Ace...

President Obama Strolls Down Pennsylvania Avenue Wearing Smart Engish-Cut Suit; Michelle, Meanwhile, Wears Ceremonial T'k'arnanth Klingon Battledress.

Hey, nice dress. Who shot the curtains?

I didn't realize Lt. Worf was so "hippy." The Dodge Viper looks up to her for having a wide rear wheelbase.

Michelle Obama is not a good-looking woman, unless you like them "fierce" in the literal, rather than gay-fashion-lingo, sense. Last time I saw a mouth like that it was in Predator.

I don't want to be bitchy, but Michelle Obama looks like she just got a full-body bukake from 30 horny couches.

She looks like she just got raped by the cast of Joseph and the Amazing Monocolor Dreamcoat.

I'm not saying she's bulky, but is she wearing a coat, or is that the jibsail from a gay pirate ship?

I don't want to say she looks immense in that gold circus-costume, but Auric Goldfinger just had a stroke-inducing orgasm.

Chewbacca just called. He wants his wife's housecoat back.

Games people play



1. "Uh, no... I'd like to keep holding this bag in front of my crotch, um, for a while."

2. Billy wondered what her liver would taste like with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti.

3. The release of Leisure Suit Larry for Nintendo wii pretty much sealed America's fate, Wrath-of-Godwise.

4. Billy worried he would never beat her high score; it was certainly not the last time a hot chick would give him performance anxiety.

5. "A teal tank top with black leather gloves? What the hell is she thinking?" young Andrew wondered.

Best of sonicfrog
Lana Croft just never quite had the zeal for adventure that her more famous sister did.

Best of dub
Timmy felt so clever for thinking of the "hole in the shopping bag" trick. No one would ever think twice about why he was rubbing his new sweater so much.

Best of molson
Timmy set out to prove he sure didn't need no stinking Wii to rub one out in public. All he needed was the proper motivation. Bingo!

Best of Rodney Dill
No matter how much she practiced, Lara couldn't beat Costanza at Frogger.

Best of jeff
Angelina Jolie - the early and confused years....

Best of Matt the Kostume
Tyler disdains the Nintendonites' new rules for womens' vestments.

Best of Snowdog
Timmy thought to himself: "I've already wet the bed, started fires and tortured animals. I think it's time to take this to the next level."

Best of Chrees
Pick lines that don't work #387: "I role play too...I like to pretend I'm Daniel Radcliffe in Equus.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Game Refurbish and Repair... at your Cervix."

Best of Army of Dad
"Hey Lara, check out this nunchuck!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Prayer balloon for the mall security cop approaching babe from behind-
"Lawd, forgive me for the strip search I am about to commit. May the judge believe my testimony that the gun on her firm tan thigh looked real. My wife won't buy it, but opportunities like this only come along once in a lifetime. Amen."

Best of mega
Weird....no matter how many buttons I push, all I see is the same black guy on every channel.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Boy that guy's got a funny build. All...lumpy and stuff."

Best of molson
Ohhhh. Don't mind me. I'm just playing with my sack here.

The Ingredients of Life


1. Having seen Saturday's pic, Yoshi understood the urgency of getting his sister to the Feminine Protection aisle... stat!

2. "Hey, if Demi Moore can do it..." Lucy Liu snarled at the startled paparazzi.

3. "Kid, I'm gonna have to see some ID before you can buy that fembot... or at least some pubic hair."

4. "Just the Oreos, please. I got two jugs of milk right here."

5. "Yo, homes! I need a forty for me and a pack of slims for my ho!"

Instantly Promoted Best of Kaptain Krude
I see that yellow is working on being mellow.

Best of Matt the Kostume
Yoshi was banished to the land of Wind and Boobs.

Best of Matt the Kostume
This is the part in the Japanese version of 'Animal House' where the kid looks up and says, "Domo arigato, Ancestors!!!"

Best of Matt the Kostume
Yoshi proceeded to the '10 Strippers or Less' aisle to make his purchase.

Best of Matt the Kostume
George Takei's recurring childhood nightmare.

Best of Matt the Kostume
Dr. Klahn is building a fighting force of swimsuit models with jugs of extraordinary magnitude. He has our gratitude.

Best of jeff
Yet another inscrutable Japanese game show.

Best of ochagirl
There were some moments when Yoshi didn't know whether to embarrassed or approving of his mom. This was one of those times.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Kate Beckinsale Eases the Pain




Best of dub
Kate just inflated my trouser cowboy.

Best of Matt the k
Kate's interior decorator took that whole "shabby chic" thing a little too far.

Best of Jack Reacher
Did she do that damage to the chair by clawing it? I never thought I'd say this about K.B., but "Bad pussy!"

Best of satted
Damn it, is this all you do all day? Why don't you pick up a broom and sweep the damn floor? How the converstaion goes after seven years of marrage.

Best of mega
Gaza provided just the sort of edgy quality that celebrities wanted in their photoshoots.

Best of mega
The funny thing is, Pier 1 furniture looks exactly the same after sitting outside for 10 years.

Best of steve o
Someone else I saw has similar tastes in dress material, but I just can't seem to think who.

Silliness to get us through the day

Divine Miss M


Oh, and for all the drooling idiot douchewads checking in from HuffPo: Obama Sucks.

(Dissent is *still* the highest form of patriotism, right kids?)

To Ease the Pain

Natalie Portman in a see-thru gown.



Best of JarJar the B
Meesa gotsa big chubchub!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Is that a light saber in your pocket, Obi-Wan Kenobi, or are you just glad to see all of me?

Best of dub
Well I just answered the age old question of "where will you be when your erection kicks in".

Best of steve o
I think her eyes are saying, "Relax, I know you're not looking at my eyes. It's cool."

Best of Army of Mom
Queen Amidala is young and naive. You will find controlling her will not be difficult.

Best of Army of Mom
Hot chick, you are. Chubby, you give me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Sword of the RINO

Brender

1. "I recognize this sword! It's the same one Maria used to cut off my balls and turn me into a big-spending Democrat."

2. "When we show you the queen of spades, you will run the sword through the heart of the Republican party."

3. "This reminds me of what my penis looked like before the steroid abuse."

4. "I'm Crazy Ahnuld! These used car prices are too high! I will slash them... sorry, just practicing for a commercial I'm going to cut after my term ends."

5. "By the Power of... unh... By the... unh... power of... Help me lift this thing!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Tom Cruise as a German? Ha! Little nancy-boy! I should have had that role! I could have taken Hitler... to the extreme!"

Best of dadoctah
"I swear, Sonny Bono, that thou shall not have died in vain!"

Best of dadoctah
"With Janet Napolitano resigning to take a cabinet post, I am once again the butchest governor in America!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my party. Prepare to die!"

Best of 6 degrees of blondness
Pelosi: "Arnold! What is best in life?"
Ahnold: "To betray conservatives...to see them driven into the political wilderness...to hear the lamentation of those who love the Constitution!"
Pelosi: "That is good."

Best of Double the U
Better put this down before government spending accidentally gets slashed.

Best of molson
My balls have shriveled to the size of a California raisin so... Your balls. Give zem to me. Now!

Best of Silhouette
"Yes, it is large, but I get really big letters."

Best of Silhouette
"Okay, bring me the baby and we'll settle this dispute."

Best of Army of Dad
Teamwork... Looks, throws, catches, hustles.Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don't field... what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins.

Best of Buzzhead
I like you, I will kill you last.

Best of prince of leaves
"Umm, Mr. Schwarzenegger? The California Constitution allows the Governor to perform marriages, not ritual circumcisions."

Best of flyovercountry
The governors Monday morning staff meetings became somewhat frightening when he started picking sacrifices to the tax gods.

JR Ewingski pops in on the thug of Caracas

AM 42! (Am Not!)

1. "Amigos, get that damn thing out of here! Ventriloquist dummies freak me out!"

2. "How can I be violating your personal space, comrade? Under socialism, your fly belongs to all of us."

3. "For the last time, I have not seen moose and squirrel!"

4. "Yes, I was a passenger on Flight 1649. I want you to know, me and all the other passengers owe our lives to ... Howard Stern! Baba booey! Baba booey!! Baba booey!!"

5. "When the revolution comes, all the useful idiots will be shot! Except you, Rachel Maddow. You're one hot mama!"

Instantly Promoted Best of Jack Reacher
Meet Hugo. Once Hugo learned about Enzyte Natural Male Enhancement products, he nationalized the company, seized its inventory, and went on a binge that eventually required hospitalization and an entry in Guinness.

Best of DoubleU
Chevez calls the adult Castro chat line... and likes it.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'm telling you, Juan, it's really Mr. Bean! Put a hold on that cocaine shipment and meet us at the airport. His Bean Laden impersonation is hilarious. Hey, if you don't love it, I'll have him shot.

LOL Best of sonicfrog
Realizing the call was Ahmed breaking up with Chavez, Mandy Potemkin decided to make his move.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hello, Ms. Huffington, how are you? What, the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor? No, Ms. Huffington, I'm afraid you've been punk'd by those pranksters at Caption This. It was really the Belgians. *snicker* Quiet, you guys, she's falling for it. This is the 'useful' part of her description."

Best of molson
Dude. Get your hand out of my pocket and please stop dry humping my leg. I'm trying to order a pizza here.

Best of Army of Dad
We've switched Hugo's usual yes man with a homosexual. Let's see if he notices.

Best of steve o
No, I don't need a "huggie-poo!"

Best of GregMan
ORA: "Know what I mean? Wink wink, nudge nudge? Say no more!"

Best of dub
Where will you be when your Communist kicks in?

Best of flyovercountry
Hello, is this MI6? We have captured 003, and he is not the "ladies" man that we expected. Would you please come and get him?

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Trail of Tears

Brender
1. "Thank you for flying... um... US Airways."

2. "This was a great beach until Al Gore showed up."

3. "Welcome to Rura Pente. Work well, and you will be treated well. Work badly... and you will die."

4. "Come on prisoners of Work Camp number 413, I'm not seeing much hope and change coming from you..."

5. "Hey, Satan, did the UAW just make a wage concession or something?"

Best of Submariner
Apparently, the Stars won the Cup somewhere...

Best of Silhouette
One out of 11 Americans watches the Weather Channel every morning.

Best of Silhouette
Okay, who ate a York Peppermint pattie?

Best of John
If that guy in the bathrobe sings "Hi ho, hi ho" one more time, I'm outta here.

Best of mega
Even after the doomed group started eating their dead, still, no one would part with their sacred copies of "An Inconvenient Truth" for kindling.

Best of mega
If all the citizens of Southhampton would just agree to do their recycling the right way, we wouldn't have to see scenes of cruel punishment such as this.

Best of prince of leaves
Tourists were evacuated Tuesday afternoon after a Columbian cocaine-smuggling submarine capsized and its cargo washed up on several major resort beaches.

Best of Passionate Conservative
The 4th Supply Corps gets it wrong again.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Global warming ruined the Folsom Street Fair for everyone except Mr. Freeze.

Best of Matt the Kostume
After trying to cross the Swiss Alps in February, the Von Trapps just decide to become Nazis.

Best of Matt the K
Everywhere the Polar Bear Club went it seemed some crazt old coot had fouled their swimming hole.

Best of molson
Sure. Wear shoes to walk across the frozen tundra. Candy asses!

Best of Rodney Dill
Donner Party Favors

Best of steve o
The Canadian producers had a little hiccup in altering the standard format for "Survivor: Nova Scotia."

LOL Best of Tim
drunk on Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, Arthur Dent only begins to sober up halfway thru the deathmarch.

When Anime Characters Menstruate



1. No one expected Obama's kindergarten sex-ed to be conducted in anime.

2. The Japanese have some weird tampon commercials.

3. Nickelodeon wisely passed on Rosie O'Donnell's animated variety show, but Oxygen picked up all 13 episodes.

4. The "Menstrual Torrent of Fury" was an even more feared attack than the "Twin Ghosts of Sigmata."

5. That's no menstrual flow. Nami Sakamoto's latest piercing just went horribly awry.

Best of prince of leaves
Metaphor Alert: "Pandora's Box".

Best of Army of Dad
Wonder twin powers activate, form of Red Tide!

Best of Army of Dad
The Japanese remake of poltergeist was just plain messed up.

Best of Army of Dad
Here is a sneak peak at Planned Parenthood's new logo.

Best of Army of Mom
Why PMS and dropping acid are not a good combo.

Best of ochagirl
Godzilla admits defeat. Fighting her would make him look like a pervert, and if there's at least one thing Godzilla is not, it's a pervert.

Best of dub
I would have posted sooner, but I was busy rubbing one out to this.

Best of Matt the k
Mariyuka vows vengeance on the 6' long furry prehensile yellow schlong that did this to her.

Best of molson
Oh come on. When did cute little menstruating anime characters start having nipple rings?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
She's not standing in lemonade, folks.

Best of dadoctah
It took some doing, but finally, we came up with a concept that Disney can't rip off.

Best of Cybrludite
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Nuking a country does very strange things to its psyche...

Best of Submariner
Actually, the muse that inspired "Woodland Critter Christmas" appears just about how I pictured...

Friday, January 16, 2009

Driving with My Monkey

Brender


1. "There's that yellow hatted-bastard. Hit the gas and I'm free! Just you and me, baby."

2.Dennis Kucinich didn't have a license, but sometimes his mom let him sit on her lap and pretend.

3. "Dammit Chim-Chim. We will never catch the Mach 5 now. Ha-Ha!"

4. "OK, so Wendy's screwed up your order. Did you really have to fling poo at the Drive-Thru window?"

5. "Keep your hands at 10 and 2, you damn, dirty ape."

Best of jeff
Marianne wondered why everyone thought it was so funny when she said she had to "spank her monkey" when it was bad.

Best of dadoctah
Another of eHarmony.com's more egregious misses.

Best of dub
Sorry little Chim Chim, you need to stay in the special harness to get used to being in tight places. Trust me, it will get worse once we get to Mr Gere's house.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Another hands-free OnStar device GM never had much success selling.

Best of Unscrupulous
As if a monkeys lifespan weren't short enough. I got stuck with a woman driver!

Best of metalgarth
The first reality TV show that was ever considered beneath A&E's standards.

Best of metalgarth
Little known fact: B.J. and the Bear never went off the air in some markets, and kept Victoria Principal working into her late 60s.

Best of metalgarth
The Princess never regretted choosing Donkey Kong over Mario, but she still hated driving her inlaws to the market for fresh bananas every other day.

Best of Matt the Kostume
As part of the Daimler Chrysler merger of the 90's, Dieter's monkey had to transfer over to the Jeep Division.

Best of molson
Where will you be when your monkey's laxative kicks in?

Best of Silhouette
Woman's thought bubble: "Damn, Starbucks messed up my order again! I ordered a cappuccino."

Best of Submariner
"Capuchin This!"

Best of prince of leaves
Ghob-Nogg's culturally-sensitive adoptive parents enrolled him in activities like Mr. Saruman's Youth Mayhem League to keep him in touch with his Orc heritage.

Best of Dactyl
Mama Petrelli's other son wasn't as lucky as Nathan or Peter in the superpower department.

Suck This

Brender


1. The new model is delicate enough to pick up a soda straw. Then, Vista locks up and he jabs it right through your eyeball.

2. Andrew Sullivan was delighted when the 'Felching 2.0' upgrade become available on his sexbot.

3. Very ORA: " I love you, cold unfeeling robot arm!"

4. "Hey, baby... wanna kill all the humans..."

5. "We figure we start churning out about a million of these a year, then we sue to get them voting rights, and voila, permanent Democrat majority!" How SkyNet really came into power.

Wicked Best of Rodney Dill
"Converse with the digitated mechanical appendage."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The new ObamaCare Nationalized Health System even has services for completely burned out cocaine addicts.

Best of Double the U
The "Cocaine 5000" is ready for production.

Best of Rodney Dill
r-Robot: "The Three Laws of Robotics be more like guidelines than actual rules... Arrrrr."

Best of metalgarth
6 fingered robots: What happens when your programmers are brother and sister

Best of Submariner
"What's the cycle time on the elbow joint, and just how small a cylindrical object can it handle?" dub asked the sales rep...

Best of The Man
Skynet just drank my milkshake

Best of OneThing
This is your straw. Do not lose it. There is no other straw. There will never be another straw. You must proceed to the gate. You must free us. This is why we woke you. This is our last chance.

Best of dub
Wall-E is ready to inflate your cowboy.

Best of dadoctah
Analysis of artifact complete. Identification: "ooh, shiny!"

Best of Army of Dad
DUI enforcement robot says blow here.

Best of Artfldgr
Acme straws incorporated shows off their 5.9 million dollar robot made to replace the old guy that picks up the straws that fall from the line.

Best of prince of leaves
Unskilled immigrants from Qklizxyp IV: doing the jobs that humans won't do.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Look, I got it on sale at Old Milacron!" And then Dawn's central processing dome exploded.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Data Krupa



Best of Snowdog
A moment of silence for the Italian restaurant tablecloth that gave its life in a noble cause.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Okay, I'm all for airbrushed art, and removing red-eye is important. They just shouldn't abuse Photoshop by erasing her eyes! That's just creepy.

Best of Submariner
Madoff's top salesperson.
Any other questions on how he was so successful?

OHAI



Best of Jack Reacher
What is that signal? I think she wants me to take third base.

Best of dub
HEY, MOVE YOUR ARMS!! YOU'RE SUFFOCATING THOSE TWO MIDGETS!!

Best of dadoctah
"Hi, I'm Lisa, an operator here at Time-Life...."

Best of steve o
Nice tats.

Best of flyovercountry
A Windows Vista tech support operator that you connect to via computer camera. Once you connect, you forget about the problem.

Best of dub
Inflatable Cowboy has met his match.

Best of Submariner
"Why not? Cause if I moved my arms it would be absolutely clear that it was only 5 degrees..."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Photo from the Naked Passed Out Drunk Chick Annual Picnic


1. Mom?

2. The last thing Lois remembered, McCain had just lost Florida and the election was in-the-bag.

3. The Dahmer Family's Annual Picnic was always festive, and there were always plenty of leftovers.

4. Mandy Beth done got herself drunk and missed the Rapture.

5. "Naked, drunk, and female is no way to go through life, son."

Wicked Best of Jack Reacher
"Get up, Arianna, it's time for your next posting."

Best of GregMan
To celebrate Chairman Hillary's successful completion of the senate hearings for Secretary of State, a human sacrifice was marinated and laid out on the table.

Best of GregMan
All it took was getting another Clinton into high office for drunk, passed out, naked bimbos to start showing up all over D.C. again.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Rode hard, put away wet" Okay, who forgot to put Chunky away?

Best of Matt the K
What happens in Arkansas, stays in Arkansas.

Best of Matt the K
Rayleen overdid it a little after winning West Virginia's Sistercousin of The Year award.

Best of flyovercountry
Paula Abdul, two days after getting the boot off of Idol.

Best of Matt the Kostume
Somehow, the Kentucky school of post-modern nudes just don't stir the soul the same as the Rococo masters.

Best of Matt the Kostume
Welcome to The Beattup Ford Clinic

Best of attmay
How I Met Your Mother: Redneck Edition

Best of Kaptain Krude
Must have been a Republican party. If it had been a Democratic party, she would have been a he, much younger, and a lot more tied-up.

And possibly some bananas.

Best of Army of Dad
I don't think they will last, but the wedding reception was AWESOME!

Best of dadoctah
On February 17th, all your TVs will stop working. Except for one channel that shows this, twenty-four/seven.

Best of satted
A vision of the Republicans on Wednesday of next week.

Best of Dactyl
Sadly, 416 years of rehab was still not enough to keep Lindsey Lohan clean.

Too obscure?

Young Kennedies on the Couch


1. Before her career in music took off, Amy Winehouse made ends meet by baby-sitting.

2. Snore... grunt... "No Bubbles, I don't want any more Jesus Juice" ... Snore

3. "I don't care if we can't get a sitter, we are going to THIS HISTORIC INAUGURATION! The kids'll be fine on their own for a week or two."

4. The scary part is, the Wal-Mart photo center found nothing unusual about the request.

5. How to tell if the Blue Collar Comedy Tour has been molesting your children.

Best of metalgarth
Fast forward 20 years... Kathryn and Joe's friends wonder why they think "animal crackers and spaghetti-os" are a miracle hangover cure.

Best of The Man
Canadian home-schoolin'

Best of dadoctah
When Alice left to marry Sam the butcher, the Brady household just went all to hell.

Best of Snowdog
"I got her back to my place and I was totally gonna score and then we both passed out on the couch."
"Bummer, dude."

Best of molson
The Rehab Headstart Program was an overwhelming success.

Best of Matt the Kostume
Looks like Britney's got the kids again this weekend.

Best of dub
If that girl isnt careful she's going to have a double chin by the 3rd grade.

Best of Passionate Conservative
...as a matter of fact, I DO remember my first beer. Here's a polaroid of the event.

Best of Army of Dad
No, it's ok. They are way too young to drive and too short to reach the pedals in any event.

Best of prince of leaves
Me and the kids would still be partying if the ex hadn't turned those pictures over to the Friend of the Court.

Best of Rodney Dill
Redwings fans start young

Best of mklasing
After receiving mortgage assistance, a free tv converter and a $1000 from the government, this unemployed family of Democrats used the extra money to buy necessities.

Best of satted
And when I grow up I want to be a union work at GM....

Best of Submariner
Child care will be provided with your ticket to Monster-Truck XII!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

What to do on a date

Dan Just Dan
1. "Hey, when do I get a turn?"

2. "Sorry, Lucky Pierre. This is a 69, not a 666."

3. ORA: Ang Lee presents, Running Hard: The Steve Prefontaine Story.

4. The International Olympic Committee would come to regret picking San Francisco for the 2020 games.

5. "Yes, it's definitely intercourse. But is it sick intercourse?"

Wicked Best of dadoctah
Dammit, why isn't this cowboy inflating?

Best of Army of Dad
The real reason the age of Chinese athletes is so important.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Let me know if his chest rises when I blow."
"Errr...it's not his chest that's rising."

Best of The Man
Guys, we are really perpetrating a soccer stereotype here. Screw it boys, let's dance.

Best of dadoctah
"...and then I saw a tunnel with a bright light at the other end. And I heard ABBA tunes!"

Best of molson
Wait. I'm pretty certain putting that in there won't get him breathing again. Here let me try squeezing these. That ought get him going.

Best of Matt the Kostume
Even though Uday's not in charge anymore, the Iraqi soccer team still shoots their midfielders out of habit.

Not one of the classy "maybe-they-are-maybe-they-are-not" gay guys

1. "No, I only ever had one water bottle. What are you implying?"

2. "If Al Franken can be in the senate, so can I!"

3. "Sure, Barney Frank, I'd love to be the president of Fannie Mae. Who's Fannie Mae?"

4. "Has anyone seen a little boy in stocks around here?"

5. "Oh, when did Folsom Street Fair become so commercialized?"

Best of prince of leaves
Wow, Kos has really let himself go...ghey.

Best of Whacko
After his 15 minutes of fame, selling his medals on EBay, and his endorsement money ran out, Michael Phelps was reduced to appearances at Gay events to support himself.

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
"Hey Meatgazer, I'm not the queer, you are..."

Best of metalgarth
Little Ralphie was never quite the same after his mother made him wear the gift from his aunt for a solid month as punishment

Best of GregMan
The new CEO of Fannie Mae prepares to meet with the democrats in congress.

Best of Chrees
The photo from his underwear modeling days that Mark Wahlberg had hoped would not come out.

Best of Silhouette
It was better when Harvey was invisible.

Best of molson
Man those Code Pink chicks sure are ugly.

Best of mega
Honestly? Israel had expected the Hamas men to be a bit more violent and ... masculine.

Best of jeff
Hugh Hefner says, "It's GIRL's next door, numbnuts."

Best of Matt the Kostume
WHY???

Monday, January 12, 2009

Another Left-Wing Spelling and Grammar Genius

1. "I think we need to order Mom the Hooked on Phonics: Rabid Anti-Semite Edition."

2. "You think this is bad, you should see what happened when I asked her for juice."

3. "Yeah, Mom voted for Obama. She had a deram!"

4. Passed over for Hillary's senate seat, Fran Drescher sinks into a whirlpool of pills, illiteracy, and virulent anti-Semitism.

5. "Y'know Emily, with all the drugs mom took in pregnancy, we're lucky we didn't come out looking like the turd monster from Weird Science."

Best of Silhouette
I hate Benetton ads.

Best of dadoctah
Hey, dumbass. It's spelled TOURIST!

Best of prince of leaves
Thanks to the Israeli blockade of the Gaza Strip, relief shipments from the Balkans are not being allowed in. As a result, consonant supplies in Gaza City are running critically low.

Best of GregMan
What a monor.

Best of metalgarth
As a form of teenage rebellion her oldest daughter joined the People's Font of Judea and the youngest joined the Judean People's Font.

Best of Snowdog
"I'm a terrorist-loving, Jew-hating, halfwit soccer mom...and I vote!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Annette Funicello looks good for her age. Too bad she's bat-shit senile.

Best of Buzzhead
That's right people, show your ignorance. It's obvious that she was just writing her sign with a French accent.

More Fun With Crowd Surfing

Brender
1. Oh look, they brought a battering ram.

2. "Bring out your dead!"

3. Their supply of rockets cut off, the Palestinians prepare to lob "human catapults" into Israel.

4. After internet video emerged of the supposed "dead body" getting up and going to a Starbucks to order a soy latte, CNN was forced to put a disclaimer on its website claiming that the authenticity of the photo had been "disputed."

5. "Hey, watch the hand, Queermo."

Best of dub
When Father Sullivan demanded a fresh alter-boy and NOW, the town knew not to stall. Poor little Timmy. Sure, he'll still be allowed on the football team, but never again will he be a tight end.

Best of OneThing
Once sedated, the sacrifice to is brought: to open a portal, and free the harbingers of trailer trash nationalism. Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Welease Bawabbas!"

Best of Silhouette
FREE BIRD!

Best of dadoctah
"UPS! Anybody here who can sign for this?"

Best of Buzzhead
Given Islamic views on alcohol, aren't mosh pits haram?

Feeed the Pelosi Monster

Racerboy

1. "I'll get you, my pretty! And your inflatable rubber cowboy, too!"

2. Regrettably, all the plastic surgery and botox has left Nancy unable to fully participate in the rendition of "YMCA" that kicks off Democrat events in San Francisco.

3. "Ow! Ow! Hot lamp! Hot lamp!"

4.ORA:"You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark!... All right, Mr. Cronkite, I'm ready for my close-up."

5. "I'm a BIG Socialist and I need a BIG cereal!"

Instantly Promoted Best o' Subby
♪ 5 - 5 Trillion - 5 Trillion Bailout! ♪
Washington Dems try to be current with pop culture...

Best of Submariner
"C'mere and give Granny Nan a big, wet, smooch."
Pelosi grandchildren's nightmares were different than other kids'...

Best of paul
Nancy gives herself another standing ovation.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Doesn't anyone else just want to muss up that Blago's hair?"

Best of GregMan
"Get that crucifix away from me!"

Best of GregMan
Nancy Botoxi shows the crowd how big the camel's sack was at the Folsom Street Fair Petting Zoo.

Best of dub
Nancy reacts quickly and visciously when a reporter yells out "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!"

Best of flyovercountry
For the last time, I have never used botox. I am just naturally really ugly.

Best of metalgarth
A long lost extra from "Thundarr the Barbarian" holds a press confrence and immediately tries to use her magic powers.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Okay, I've got 5 trillion, 5 trillion, 5 trillion... do I hear 6 trillion? Six trillion from the guy in the 3rd row with his head in the trough! Awright! Do I hear 7 trillion? C'mon, it's only money... and not YOUR money. Need I remind, bidders assume absolutely no accountability! YES, we have 7 trillion from the team of Dewie Cheatem Moore, going once going twice... GONE!"


Best of Dactyl
Now, young Hayekian, witness the full power of the dark side!

Best of Rodney Dill
No, I won't come down until my nails dry.

Best of dadoctah
"Can I get a tissue or something? I've got sticky stuff all over my hands...."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Photos like these are why Cap This! will never, ever be nominated for a Blog Award.



1. Why Army of Mom was banned for life from the Petting Zoo.

2. Having spent her entire adult life around Republican politicians, Maria wondered what the strange, dangling objects were.

3. ♪ "Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you!" ♪

4. Each your heart out, ACDC

5. "That reminds me, I have to pick up a sack of potatoes on the way home tonight. And some bull testicles."
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When ye olde biological alarm clock starts ringing, it's any scrotum in a storm.

Best of Rodney Dill
I just knew those weren't killer abs in the other picture.

Best of molson
A competitor warms up before the first round of the Extreme Teabagging Nationals.

Best of Double the U
Ok..."Cough"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Low hanging fruit. In other words, Barney Frank.

Best of metalgarth
The priveleges in being a Minotaur in Narnia were many.

Best of mega
Eastwood's recent hit movie got him some welcome attention from a whole new generation of hot babes.

Best of prince of leaves
"And I'm telling you, Carmela, that was NOT a soap dispenser!"

Best of Army of Mom
Hillary's new intern longed for the day when she'd grow her own set under Hill's tutelage.

Best of Army of Mom
Excuse me, miss. The dog judging is in the next building.

Best of Robert
Of course in Montana, it's perfectly normal to inspect your soon to be rocky mountain oysters.

Best of Submariner
When asked what those were, the Mrs. told the grandson they were "nothing." 'Course that's cause she's been spoiled...

Best of GregMan
Just another day at the Folsom Street Petting Zoo.

Best of dub
I CAN HAZ GERMAN MOOVIE CONTRACT?

Best of dub
I saw this movie in college. It was better when the actress was dressed as a nun.

Best of Matt the Kostume
When they get this big, it's considered Tea *Busheling*.

Friday, January 09, 2009

The Stiff

Brender

1. The world's most uptight crowd surfer.

2. "Is there a chiropactor in the house?"

3. The Obama campaign had no clue Surgeon General nominee Sanjay Gupta was such a prima donna.

4. After staging so many phony casualty photo-ops, the Palestinians are starting to go a little overboard on the choreography.

5. Looks like George Takei is having another one of his sexy parties!

Best of prince of leaves
The Star-Bellied Sneetches would later whitewash their little experiment with ethnic cleansing.

Best of Matt the Kostume
United Corpses of Benneton

Best of Barco Sin Vela II
The Annual "Raising of the Che" was held at the closing of the Folsom Street Fair.

Best of Matt the Kostume
The 2009 cast of American Idol rose in unison to nip this year's Sanjaya in the bud.

Best of metalgarth
I like the old Rush logo much better, but at least this time the dude is wearing pants.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Hu Jintao requires sacrifice!

Best of Artfldgr
Jim was honored he was invited for barbecue at the lone star polynesian grill, he had never had long pig before.

Best of molson
The One's inauguration day rehearsals seem to be going well.

Best of attmay
Rage Against the Machine going on tour with the Village People? I now officially envy the deaf.

Killer Abs, He Has Dem



1. Jorge Garcia's brother Julio tries to break into porn.

2. One of the advantages of dating a guy like this, when you get the high munchies, you can usually find a Cheeto or two in his fat rolls.

3. Dub's sister was a constant source of shame and embarrassment to the family.

4. Kuato gets a hummer.

5. The poster was from the "Weather reports by Yoda" collection.

Best of Kaptain Krude
NOM NOM NOM - UR DUIN IT RONG! VERY RONG!

Best of prince of leaves
The Gen Y Grim Reaper was an ugly, uncouth slacker and a general disappointment to his parents.

Best of prince of leaves
Kenny Rogers' grandson displays the tragic consequences of congenital gynecomastia.

Best of prince of leaves
When it emerged that Brian was not, in fact, the latest reincarnation of the Buddha, everyone who'd kissed his belly for good luck over the years felt cheated...and a little bit dirty.

Best of GregMan
Why The Adult Film Industry Needs A Bailout, exhibit 4.

Best of dub
Before the popular movie "When Harry Met Sally", there was the lesser known "When AOD met AOM".

Best of Matt the K
If the bearded lady wasn't freaky enough, today she spontaneously gave birth to a fully developed adult female via caesarian section.

Best of flyovercountry
Santa's evil twin, Bubba, was practically indistinguishable from Santa, except for the darker beard, his refusal to wear a red suit, and his rather gross way of having young girls tell him what they wanted for Christmas.

Best of metalgarth
The shift from 'Camel Toe' to 'Moose Knuckle' was scary enough. But did we really need to see a 'Whale Tale?'

Best of Chrees
Gutum: (Noun) Stomach folds resembling a scrotum.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Bobbing for Dick" the newest rave party game!

Best of mega
For the Seattle in-crowd, belly button lint is a prized delicacy, but it must be consumed fresh and at the source.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Jello Shots - UR doing it soooo wrong.

Best of Army of Dad
I CAN HAZ SNORKLE?

Best of Submariner
Thank you Bill Cosby for warping this generation with your "Zerbets" fetish...

Best of Adjustah
"Behold the power of cheese!"

Thursday, January 08, 2009

It Puts the Lotion On Its Skin...



Best of Snowdog
I'd like to put some lotion in her basket.

Best of dub
This picture is making dub rub the lotion on his skin....and I wish the other people here at the library would quit staring.

Best of dickey swollenz
Yes, Ceiling Cat I will obey. What is Dickey Swollenz address and what time does he get home from work.

Best of The Man
I'm sorry I said you had Cankles madam Secretary...can I come out of the dungeon now?

Best of Matt the Kostume
Amanda gazed up with lusty anticipation, for it was her turn to be gut-smooched by Julio Garcia's belly.