Saturday, December 19, 2009

Army of Mom Made Me Post This


1. "Mom, tell us again how you worked your way through cosmetology school."

2. Desperate for cash, Paris Hilton begins working children's parties.

3. "Here, mommy, let me show you how to suppress your gag reflex like the swishy man from GLSEN taught us."

4. "See, kid. This is what Mommy has to do to get a birthday present from Daddy. Still wanna bitch because your 'My Little Pony' is the wrong color?"

5. "Now, Emily, this is quite a bit larger than what Mr. Polanski actually has, but I'm just trying to introduce you to the basic principle of what he expects."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
A true slice of neo-americana. First she introduces the little ones to the family business, then teaches them how to practice santeria rituals using the neighbor's pet cat.

Best of blue
An older Monica Lewinsky gets ready to move from Clinton to Obama

Best of paul mitchell
Senator Nelson, please let me try to convince you to vote for ObamaCare.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Unless you get in on the ground floor of some carbon-credit scam, kids, this is how you'll survive in the Green Economy."

Best of dadoctah
The *real* reason Mrs Garrett and the girls from "Facts of Life" had to leave Eastland.

Best of Matt the K
In an apoplectic fit, the reception hall manager rushed to correct the mixed-up room signs for the "Elton John's Naughty & Nice Party" and the "Olivia Newton-John's Niece Natalie's Party", but the damage was already done.

Best of Silhouette
I really don't get Kwaanza.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Blow" out the candles...I get it. Heh.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Little Billy thinks to himself, "You know, I really don't want a piece of cake after all."

Best of divine miss m
After the cake, we squeezed Mom into a pair of hot pants and dropped her off down by the docks.

Best of Vinney
While in prison Martha Stewart combines her culinary and entrepenorial skills selling John Wadd cakes to fellow inmates.

Best of Army of Dad
This party sucks

Best of Matt the K
Peter North doesn't mind as long as you don't touch the cake's hair.

Best of Matt the K
Something tells me that "Pin The Tail On the Donkey" is gonna be done on a real donkey.

55 comments:

Carpe Phlogiston said...

A true slice of neo-americana. First she introduces the little ones to the family business, then teaches them how to practice santeria rituals using the neighbor's pet cat.

eat me said...

Oh, I wish I was Oscar Meyer's weiner.....

blue said...

an older Monica Lewinsky gets ready to move from Clinton to Obama

paul mitchell said...

Senator Nelson, please let me try to convince you to vote for ObamaCare.

(But seriously, WTF?!?!?!?!)

Jack Reacher said...

So Mountain Dew is supposed to be damaging to kids, but this is okay? Liberalism is confusing.

Jack Reacher said...

"Unless you get in on the ground floor of some carbon-credit scam, kids, this is how you'll survive in the Green Economy."

AnonymoUS said...

Excerpt from another ‘Big Government’ sting video on ACORN child prostitution training even….

Anonymous said...

"This is the last time I decorate a cake for Barney Frank."

Vinney

dadoctah said...

The *real* reason Mrs Garrett and the girls from "Facts of Life" had to leave Eastland.

blue said...

wide eyed kid : no wonder I don't have a little sister!

Matt the K said...

I cannot begin to count the levels of WRONG.

Matt the K said...

In an apoplectic fit, the reception hall manager rushed to correct the mixed-up room signs for the "Elton John's Naughty & Nice Party" and the "Olivia Newton-John's Niece Natalie's Party", but the damage was already done.

dadoctah said...

#27 in a series: how they make fruit cakes.

Mr. Hankey said...

Little Susie decides she doesn't want the cream filling after all....

GregMan said...

Not surprisingly, the black one on the right is bigger.

ATDHE

GregMan said...

At least the Obamessiah/GLSEN-mandated Kindergarten sex ed was tasty.

molson said...

Gee aren't you suppose to light the candle before you start blowing?

Silhouette said...

I really don't get Kwaanza.

Passionate Conservative said...

"Blow" out the candles...I get it. Heh.

Kaptain Krude said...

Not surprisingly, 15 years later, little Sarah was *very* popular with the boys.

Kaptain Krude said...

Little Billy thinks to himself, "You know, I really don't want a piece of cake after all."

Kaptain Krude said...

These Crazee-Straw concoctions are getting very out of hand.

*Heh heh I said con-coc-tions*

Anonymous said...

No Sarah, that candle goes on the cream pie."

Vinney

racerboy said...

Standard Cap #87:
"Mom?!??"

Rodney Dill said...

You sucked the black right off that one.

divine miss m said...

After the cake, we squeezed Mom into a pair of hot pants and dropped her off down by the docks.

Mr. Hankey said...

Susies mom was able to feed the whole party by making getting the cupcakes to grow larger.

Mr. Hankey said...

Susie was shocked by the answer to "Who you gotta blow to get a piece of cake?"

robert said...

...but thank God we voted against gay marriage!

...and after we finish our cake, we're off to the Folsom Street Fair.

dub said...

The frosting balls....dont forget to work the frosting balls.

dub said...

Looks like that cake already earned its redwings.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Esmarelda always showed up with great questions for her ESOL teacher. For instance... how come blow doesn't always mean blow, yet you don't suck out candles?

-OR-

Like playing a piano, becoming a certified quality control tester for Larry Flynt's Birthday Cakes LLC required practice, practice, practice.

-OR-

Thawtbubble of wide-eyed little girl: "I'll be damned... so THAT's what old uncle Jose meant when he screamed - TEETH!!"

Anonymous said...

While in prison Martha Stewart combines her culinary and entrepenorial skills selling John Wadd cakes to fellow inmates.

Vinney

Army of Dad said...

What happens when you have a combo baby shower/bachelorette party.

Army of Dad said...

With this new version of a King Cake you have to find the diamond ring.

Army of Dad said...

This party sucks

Army of Dad said...

Birthday parties at the best little whorehouse have some significant differences than the one you had while growing up.

wv: bityin and this is the only time it is allowed.

Army of Dad said...

Wait til you see the cookies.

Matt the K said...

Just when I thought I finally understood Mexican soap operas...


wv: hoolpoo A game of taking ExLax and outlasting your opponents.

Matt the K said...

Peter North doesn't mind as long as you don't touch the cake's hair.

Army of Dad said...

ORA: It's my dick in a cake.

Mr. Hankey said...

Susie wasn't sure if she liked the fact that Daddy was in the corner getting ready for his turn at the cake.

Mr. Hankey said...

Remember when Mexicans used to bang on pinatas?

Army of Mom said...

And, ironically, no this isn't my birthday cake.

I prefer the kinds where the real thing jumps out.

Army of Mom said...

More than buttercreme, I prefer chocolate salty balls, mom later said.

Army of Mom said...

Glory Hole Cakes: our desserts are orgasmic.

Army of Mom said...

How many licks does it take to get to the icing?

Army of Mom said...

The children suspected that mom was selling them a bill of goods. Thought bubble over little girl: There's no way that THIS is how she gets that icing all over her face when the fleet comes in.

Submariner said...

AoM always thinks up the CRAZIEST party games...

Matt the K said...

Something tells me that "Pin The Tail On the Donkey" is gonna be done on a real donkey.

Matt the K said...

You do NOT want to know what comes out of the piƱata.

Beau said...

Why does my mother want this cake to pay our rent?

Anonymous said...

Really shitty birthday cake with one candle: $10.00
Dildo: $85.79
Mardi Gras mask: $0.75

Scarring your youngest daughter for life: Priceless

Beau said...

Not caring if you're daughter gets molested tonight after the party: Priceless

Anonymous said...

Teaching your daughter the family business on her second birthday: Priceless