Saturday, April 25, 2009

Keep Looking I'm Sure You'll Find It


1. "OK, I got the Star Crunches, I got the red wine, I got the condoms. What did I forget? Oh, yeah... the girl!"

2. "Oh, God, please, if you're out there, please help cure me of my compulsive masturbating."

3. The last thing Billy remembered was Barney Frank saying, "Here, have some Kool-Aid," then waking up on a picnic table at a rest stop in Worcester.

4. Billy had a ways to go in learning the manly art of the discreet Minor Penile Adjustment (or MPA).

5. After that incident, Billy was never forced to attend a family picnic again.
Best of Jack Reacher
A scene from the Al Bundy Summer Camp.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Okay, concentrate...Jeanene Garofalo? Nope, I get nothing. Chelsea Clinton? Nada. Maureen Dowd? Ooops, just threw up a little bit of Star Crunch in my mouth on that one."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You know it's cheap booze when Little Debbie turns you on.

Best of Buzzhead
What? You didn't know that Star Crunches are an auto-erotic aphrodisiac?

Best of metalgarth
10 minutes after putting Ceiling Cat to the test, a giant claw came slashing and Billy learned what the word 'smite' meant

Best of dadoctah
All of us are lying in the gutter; some of us are looking at the stars; and a select few of us are all engorged and tingly.

Best of Mr. Hankey
Playing Neil Diamond music affects different people in different ways.

31 comments:

Viking04 said...

Man, I thought they were kidding when they called her 'Crabgirl'.

Jack Reacher said...

A scene from the Al Bundy Summer Camp.

Jack Reacher said...

"Okay, concentrate...Jeanene Garofalo? Nope, I get nothing. Chelsea Clinton? Nada. Maureen Dowd? Ooops, just threw up a little bit of Star Crunch in my mouth on that one."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Pocket Pool in the MoonlightWith the camera flash, Markie scrapped his original "What I did on Summer Vacation" idea.
When he learned a viral video of his self-pleasuring had been set to music*, he dropped out of school entirely and joined the army.
*listen to the words... so apropos!

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Summer Camp Counselor's Practical Joke #27Graciously let the new counselor boink Easy Edna in the poison ivy, then swap his calamine lotion with NAIR.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Mother: Gerald, what the hell are you doing on our picnic table?!?Gerald: Sorry, Ma, Carpe Phlogiston posted more Kate Beckinsale pictures on CaptionThis!

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Confucius says: You know it's cheap booze when Little Debbie turns you on.

robert said...

Don't mind him - he's just letting you know he likes you.

Is that a rabbit in your pants?

prince of leaves said...

Trevor thought he'd never find a girl who shared his picnic table fetish. Then he saw the CapThis! masthead, and vowed to find the woman on the right - even if it took the rest of his life.

Buzzhead said...

What? You didn't know that Star Crunches are an auto-erotic aphrodisiac?

Buzzhead said...

At least we know that he has wood.

flyovercountry said...

While most "redneck" people would be repulsed by the thought of a threesome with Barack Obama and Janeane Garofalo, Billy, being an out of touch with reality Obama voter, got a little carried away with his fantasy.

mega said...

Tom was depressed as he felt around for what wasn't there. "Goddammit, I shouldn't have listened to my parents and had that sex change op when I was four."

Matt the K said...

Elton John's idea of a picnic lunch.




vw: wheepood

Submariner said...

Star Crunchies are made of oysters - who knew?

Submariner said...

"There? No.
How about, uh, nope.
Maybe over this way a little? No"

molson said...

Well at least some things are still free... for now.

metalgarth said...

10 minutes after putting Ceiling Cat to the test, a giant claw came slashing and Billy learned what the word 'smite' meant

dadoctah said...

All of us are lying in the gutter; some of us are looking at the stars; and a select few of us are all engorged and tingly.

Mr. Hankey said...

Before entering his first senatorial campaign, young Dick Durbin had to pre-confirm that he would fit in the Democratic party by having no balls.

Chrees said...

Getting in touch with himself always made Billy feel a little cocky.

dub said...

Well, I guess now we know where Star Crunch cream filling comes from.

Mr. Hankey said...

Playing Neil Diamond music affects different people in different ways.

Army of Dad said...

We've replaced Billy usual snack with ecstasy infused Star Crunchies, let's see if he notices.

Army of Dad said...

Where will you be when your Viagra kicks in?

Army of Dad said...

Hide and go seek at the Frank house involved and unusual counting ritual.

Army of Dad said...

After an entire bottle of Shiraz, Billy tries his hand at porn astronomy.

Mr. Hankey said...

After a night with Rosie, Billy reaches down & confirms that the myth is true -- they do have teeth down there.

sonicfrog said...

Be vewy vewy quite.... I'm hunting wabbet.

sonicfrog said...

Uhm, Billy, they do call it pocket pool for a reason. Like, using your pockets, for instance....

Adjustah said...

"I don't get it, what's the big deal about this wine flu?"