Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Arrrgh! My Eyes!

Metalgarth


1. I just want you guys to know that this grotesque human stick figure has adopted several children with eating disorders, devotes herself to bingeing and purging, and has a Masters in Bulimia.

2. I wouldn't hit that for all the money in Christian Bale's swear jar.

3. "I'll take things you couldn't his with two fistfuls of corn for $300, Alex."

4. Inside every fat woman is a skinny woman screaming to get out and eat everything in sight, that's why she's fat.

5. Not even Sigourney Weaver was spared the effects of the Obamafamine of 2011.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sergeant Schultz didn't make nearly as much as he'd hoped off that Olin Mills concentraton camp boudouir photo franchise.

Best of Silhouette
Yo mamma is sooo skinny, she swallowed a grape and three guys left town.

Best of Chrees
A human Giacometti statue

Best of dadoctah
Maybe she'll look better when we finish inflating her.

Best of Atomic Lib Smasher
"What a fatass" - Nicole Ritchie

Best of mega
"No matter how hard I diet, I still have size 20 feet, damnit!"

Best of mega
PETA's latest lingerie-driven campaign, "Stop eating, period." was controversial.

Best of Submariner
Dip it in batter, deep fry it, and serve it to the new Commander in Chief...

Best of sonicfrog
ORA: Look Clarice, it's one of the few Jame Gump rejects.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Environmentalists applauded little Billy's sculpture made only with toothpicks, a Q-tip, tissues, and the hair found in the drain of the Johnson's home.

Best of steve o
Lindsey isn't half the actress she used to be.

63 comments:

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Dub's gonna have an orgasm. Gar-on-teed. (Wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't hang that one over his headboard)

-OR-

BODY IMAGE DELUSIONS
What angry plus-sized hippos tell themselves men want as they're waddling around in moo-moos stuffing their faces.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Helen Gurley Brown finally agreed to pose for Playboy.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

The runway model who finally got the fashion industry to begrudingly admit the pendulum might have swung a tad too far, although Madison Ave wonks still think she could lose a pound or two.

-OR-

Jenny Craig spokesmodel Valerie Bertinelli continued to express hope she'd yo-yo back like Oprah did... right up to the moment she completely disappeared.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

What they say about "cameras adding 10-pounds" is true...at least for shoes.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Sergeant Schultz didn't make nearly as much as he'd hoped off that Olin Mills concentraton camp boudouir photo franchise.

Rodney Dill said...

Too much Tequila... Too much Tequila...

Anonymous said...

Frederick's of Hollywood new Bergen-Belsen line was a complete flop.

satted said...

The new sexy, after nationalized healthcare is implemented.

ochagirl said...

Moslems approve of Auschwitz chic - the infidels are killing themselves.

*I know. Not funny. I was being more bitter than funny.

**Seeing photos from those camps makes me ill and so does this, despite it probably being a photoshop.

***I'm sorry for not coming up teh funny.

ochagirl said...

Anime! What hath you wrought?!

Julie the Jarhead said...

Trying desperately to come up with some snarky comment about Karen Carpenter or Mama Cass -- but I love them both too much.

Let's just say: My boobs weight more than this lady.

Army of Dad said...

Dub immediately proposed when he met her.

Army of Dad said...

This holocaust reenacter got a numbered tattoo to complete her prep work.

dub said...

Ew, what a fatass.

Silhouette said...

Yo mamma is sooo skinny, she swallowed a grape and three guys left town.

Chrees said...

A human Giacometti statue

Matt the K said...

Unlike Madonna's unpublished photo, Karen Carpenter's recently discovered candid shot failed to bring nearly as much money.


There, J the J, now I have done both a KC and Mama Cass caption, so you don't have to.

Unscrupulous said...

Bone appetit!

dadoctah said...

"Nicole, honey, it's Paris. Have you been taking care of yourself?"

wv: croater. (Hell, I don't even know 'er!)

dadoctah said...

Maybe she'll look better when we finish inflating her.

Atomic Lib Smasher said...

Signorney Weaver after battling anorexia was able to achieve her dream of hula hopping with a Cheerio.

Atomic Lib Smasher said...

"Hey babe, wanna come back to my place and play 'count the ribs'?"

Atomic Lib Smasher said...

"What a fatass" - Nicole Ritchie

flyovercountry said...

Unfortunately, Mary was stereotyped after her role in "Pirates of the Caribbean", and found no other acting roles. (You can pick her out in the movie, she was the only skeleton who didn't need makeup or special effects)

flyovercountry said...

"I like big butts and I can not lie"

At least ones I can find without the aid of a microscope.

Kaptain Krude said...

It's *BINGE* and purge, honey. You must first binge before you purge.

dub said...

The only way this woman would have a sexy bone in her is if I was farking her up the arse.

mega said...

"No matter how hard I diet, I still have size 20 feet, damnit!"

mega said...

PETA's latest lingerie-driven campaign, "Stop eating, period." was controversial.

Submariner said...

Dip it in batter, deep fry it, and serve it to the new Commander in Chief...



Gaia, I'm sorry I typed the last four words, but if it's any consolation, I threw up a little in my mouth doing it...

Submariner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Submariner said...

Don't worry about your monitor, dub. A roll of Bounty, a bottle of Windex, and whatever "elbow grease" you have left should make it as good as new.

'Course now you know how the rest of us feel on most Thursdays...

Submariner said...

Helen Thomas, circa 1903. Thanks, Shorpy.

Submariner said...

Polls.com would like to know:

Which is worse - this or Babs Streisand braless in a sheer black top?


v word - mygram - certainly not MY Gram...

steve o said...

Hey! Hey! Hey! What is that I see there...is that...yes it is!

A little nip peeking out there on the left!

steve o said...

Must...look...away...

...break... free... uhh!!

steve o said...

Hey, this stuff makes my python look huge!!

Thank you Enzyte!!

steve o said...

I just want to know how she can walk without, you know... breaking.

sonicfrog said...

Let's just say: My boobs weight more than this lady.

Mine Too!!!

sonicfrog said...

ORA: Look Clarice, it's one of the few Jame Gump rejects.

sonicfrog said...

Which is worse - this or Babs Streisand braless in a sheer black top?

Oh Come On! Do I REALLY need to answer that????

sonicfrog said...

That's the thing that sucks about Tequila Goggles - They don't work in reverse. The more you stay sober, the more it stays the same.

sonicfrog said...

I didn't know Dr. Laura posed for Playboy....

sonicfrog said...

One good thing, she's probably Python-proof. (nothing to wrap around)

Seoulman (R) said...

Performance Art Review in the NYT "Well at least the NEA grant to feed her won't be that much of burden to the tax payers."

Seoulman (R) said...

Environmentalists applauded little Billy's sculpture made only with toothpicks, a Q-tip, tissues, and the hair found in the drain of the Johnson's home.

Seoulman (R) said...

Baby got back that you can see from the front.

Seoulman (R) said...

I think you misunderstood, we wanted a model that looked like Barbie, not one that actually had her measurments

Seoulman (R) said...

She would be ok if Barak would leave her chicken alone

Seoulman (R) said...

"And for the price of just a cup of coffee a day you can make a difference in the lives of some psychotic Hollywood model."

Julie the Jarhead said...

The skinny chick vs. Streisand: At least the skinny chick can get fatter, but Streisand will never get better lookin'.

(I hope you all noticed that I didn't say, "... but Streisand will always be ugly.")

satted said...

A better woman for the Skeletor photo.....

satted said...

Skeletor got an upgrage!

Matt the K said...

Tennis star Ivan Lendl makes his off-broadway debut as Dr. Frank N. Furter in the Czech production of "Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Matt the K said...

The Jenny Cried Diet

Matt the K said...

After the bulimia, Nadine tried being a "cutter" but gave up-- where's the joy when no blood comes out?

Matt the K said...

Meet Vivid Video's hottest new starlet, Anne R. Xxxia!!!

Matt the K said...

Debbie was left with only undergarments for the photo shoot, since all her clothes were stained from the purging.

Matt the K said...

The producers of the remake of "Exit To Eden" go the complete opposite direction by casting Shelley Duvall for the Rosie O'Donell character.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Liposuction... ur doing it WRONG.

-OR-

Best EVER plastic surgery candidate for a The Doctors episode on admittedly controversial Tijuana Full Body Fat Injections.

Mr. Hankey said...

Before getting injected with the "Super Soldier Formula", Nancy Pelosi was just another crack whore.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Definition of BLIND OPTIMISM
Before photo submitted by Lucille Crumpt, newest contestant on the Biggest Loser show.
She's got about as much chance of winning as a one-man kazoo band on American Idol.

WordVerify: foopens - sturdy cages for housing wild foo.

steve o said...

Lindsey isn't half the actress she used to be.