Your Detroit City Council

Genuine Peckerwood

Left to Right: Welfare Queen, Drama Queen, Drag Queen.

Best of The Man
The prosecution knew it had it's hands full when the jury chanted "not guilty" before OJ's trial even began.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Wow, the Pointer Sisters don't look so hot after 30 years and a mountain of coke.

Best of Dub
I'd like to ask the counsel to please add into the records that the shizzle for mah nizzle is fo realz yo. Further, dont be frontin all up in mah grill or I be crunkin yo bitchass backst to yo mamas crib.

Best of mega
Obama's three Supreme Court appointments took on the Alito-Roberts-Thomas clique at every turn.

Best of mklasing
Man, RuPaul has really let himself go.

Best of molson
Princess Leia? Where the f-ck do you come off calling me that? Oh snap. This sh-t is on. It is on bitch.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Where da white men at?"

Best of divine miss m
Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So its agreed: The new zoning plan will require at least three Church's Chicken locations within each square mile of the city." ATDHE

Best of mpur
"Thank you for your comments Coucilwoman Jones. Please pass the Talking Tiara to the next speaker."

Best of Army of Dad
The eye the tooth and the tiara.

Cleaning Out My Closet

1. "All Hail K! All Hail K! Oh, K, can you see..."

2. Just practicing. On November 5, this will be a gas oven with the pilot light out.

3. "Look! Dirt!" The MSM searches Sarah Palin's junior high locker.

4. "Nope, Narnia's not in this one, either."

5. "Hey, is it true the new school janitor used to be on TV? You know, Mr. Eads?"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Welcome to the world's smallest Crystal Meth lab.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I knew it! He traded his store-brand pastries for Pop Tarts! That little bastard."

Best of sonicfrog
Jimmy's so whacked out on meth, he thinks his locker is a vagina.

Best of The Man
Stephen King's latest attempt to appeal to the tween market centers around a relationship between a boy and his locker, until the locker eats him.

Best of flyovercountry
I wish the PD could afford a real drug sniffing K9. This is getting old.

Best of flyovercountry
Let me see, yeah, I think I could live in here if Pelosi keeps screwing up.

Best of mega
As the Black Hole sucked in its 400th victim head-first, the media continued to insist it was a, quote, "totally harmless French science experiment".

Best of mklasing
In 2010, the last white man desperately looks for "hope and change" before being summarily executed by Michelle Obama.

Best of prince of leaves
Jimmy was expelled after the campus cops caught him running an illegal orthodontics clinic between classes.

Best of Dactyl
Ok, I got the fake teeth, the urine sample, the toy microscope and the colostomy bag, now all I need is a sweat sock and some rat poo and I win the scavenger hunt!

Best of Rodney Dill
BUELLER!!!

Best of Double the U
Oh look, another one!

Best of Army of Dad
The Metaphor Council presents: An Obama Presidency.

Best of Army of Dad
Billy was so happy that the nice principle told him he could keep any gum he found!

Free Hugs!! Any Takers?

SondraK

1. "Ssssh, sssh, it's all right. Just a man and a horse being hanged."

2. I R VAMPYRE. NOM NOM NOM.

3. Imadinnerjacket discovers the Axxe Effect.

4. "Dude, what, did you bathe in Paco Roban?"

5. Ecstasy Day at the United Nations was always popular.


Best of Rodney Dill
Elevator etiquette... Ur doin' it rong.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Only one thing left to do. Go through the body and look for loose change...

Best of Dub
Please tell me that's a pack of Certs in your pocket.

Best of GregMan
After Iranian President Ahmadinnerjacket went to the Folsom Street Fair during his U.S. visit, he was never the same again.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Shh, Shh...Don't cry,little bald man. It's okay. I can't pronounce my name either."

Best of mega
"I know, Mahmoud, I know...I'm so sorry the Jews are still alive. Maybe next year..."

Best of Army of Dad
I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!

I'm Crazee Bow Head... Anybody See a Shirtless Mulatto Go by Here?

REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

1. "... Accepting the Grammy for Gary Glitter, "Mrs" Gary Glitter..."

2. JON BENET RAMSEY. UR DOIN IT WRONG BUT ITS OK CUZ THERE REELLY IZ NO WAY TO DO IT RITE

3. "I got off lucky. Only lost two fingers. You should see what mom cut off my brother when she caught him masturbating."

4. ORA: Mrs. A-Wiggins finally tells Mr. Tudbowl to double penetrate himself.

5. Billy didn't know it, but he was about to start the Worst First Day of Seventh Grade Evah!

Best of Army of Dad
Obama's sex ed class would soon teach her to put the fingers on both sides of her mouth and stick her tongue out.

Best of Double the U
When I was a kid, devil worshiping heavy metal kids were a lot different. Damn you glam-metal, damn you.

Bes of mklasing
Shortly after winning "Miss Hello Kitty" Darlene was blinded in both eyes by the floating hand of death.

Best of prince of leaves
The campy "Village of the Harshly Scolded" wasn't nearly as scary as "Village of the Damned"

Best of Artfldgr
Between this bow, and my hand, i can bring in radio free europe!

Best of the doyle
TEH SHOCKER, UR DOIN IT WRONG

Best of Army of Mom
Hook 'em Horns! UR DOIN IT WRONG!

Best of Dub
If you look closely, you can already see the start of the double chin. *sigh* Another one lost.

Best of Rodney Dill
Paul Simon For President!

Best of Todd
Shiny! Happy! Greetings from Planet B52, Earthlings!

I'm Crazee ... What the Hell is that Thing?... Head!

1. "What the Hell, Michael Phelps? Nobody even remembers Mean Joe Green!"

2. A young Barry Soetero is humiliated once again for failing to memorize his Koranic verses.

3. "... but the kid in me is still fixated on the smell of sweaty male codpieces."

4. ORA: "Always remember, no matter where you go, there you are."

5. For Barney Frank's newest page, the hazing was the least humiliating part of the next two years.

Best of Army of Mom
Dear Mom and Dad,
Camp is good, although there's this one counselor who makes me wear things on my head and keeps dropping things and asking me to pick them up.

Love, Billy

Best of Army of Mom
Postcards from Michael Jackson swimcamp.

Best of Army of Dad
This one time at swim camp...

Best of Army of Mom
Abu Ghraib Summer Camp

Best of Army of Dad
The punishment for pissing in the training pool in Russia is being made to stand outside in only your swim gear.

Best of Army of Mom
Ms. Lafave said I was her favorite student. I think she's going to give me a candy bar cuz she said later we're going on the Hershey Highway.

Best of Army of Mom
Gallant said swimming would get us chicks. Goofus, however ... well, hell, look at him.

Don't Make Me Mad, You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Mad

Fred Miranda
1. "Dammit, I don't care if you are a Kennedy. A restraining order is a restraining order. Back. The. Hell. Off."

2. "If I find the bastard who tied this crap to my head, I'll rip his nuts off!"

3. "I got your party unity right here, Senator Arugula!"

4. A rare case of Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre- Menstrual Syndrome.

5. By the age of five, everyone knew little Jeannie was destined to work at the DMV.

Very brady Best of ochagirl
THIS! IS! KINDERSPARTAAAAAAN!

Very Brady Best of Rodney Dill
"Well, I have a bracelet too!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Soccer games involving the children of Postal employees were always the most exciting.

Best of prince of leaves
Thanks to Makenzye's hair-trigger temper and emerging telekinetic abilities, the Parks Department would spend over a quarter-million dollars each season on replacing blown out floodlights at the youth soccer fields.

Best of mega
Michelle Obama, 1970: "Get the F*** off me, F**** honky b***tch before I kill you. I hate you! And my country too!"

Best of robert
Stop calling me "daddy's little princess", goddammit!

Best of Army of Dad
B!tch stole my ball!

Best of Todd
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!!! GOAL!!!!

Best of jj
A young Nancy Pelosi lets everyone know that they will have the most ethical soccer team ever.

Time For Some Football

1. "Coach, you're right. That snap was pathetic and I promise to anally rape Jeff until he gets it right."

2. "Hold me closer, tiny linebacker."

3. "You want me to fumble on the three yard line? OK, coach, how much do you owe 'Knuckles' this time?"

4. "But, coach, keeping score is really bad for my self-esteem."

5. "We're going to take them like JP Morgan took WaMu!" Jake hated coaching WASP teams.

Best of prince of leaves
Opposing teams were usually so freaked out about the siamese-twin McKenzie brothers being in the game that they'd forget to complain about the extra man on the field.

Best of prince of leaves
Before he learned to control his supernatural powers, the teenage Zeus would involuntarily spawn off a lesser god or two whenever he found himself in a stressful situation.

Best of Jack Reacher
First Assistant Director Thad McKenzie informs two extras that they're in the wrong costume for the Capital One commercial.

Best of Chrees
Uh, coach...Touchdown Jesus hasn't visited us in the last three games... I'm turning atheist.

Best of Army of Dad
Dang guys you could have told me cargo pants are out before the game.

Best of mega
"Coach, those damn Joggers For Obama are on the field again. They say they won't leave until we agree the team with the most minorities wins."

This Boot, It Has a Flavur

1. "OK, You be Obama, I'll be the mainstream media.... Nom Nom Nom..."

2. Janet would do anything to be Foot Locker's Employee of the Month.

3. In Ang Lee's remake of "Married with Children..." the Bundy's are now a lesbian couple, Peg and Alice. Alice still works at Gary's Shoes, though.

4. Looking at the latest economic reports and taking into account her own lack of marketable skills, Janet decides to get used to the taste of shoe leather.

5. "Faster, save. Senator Clinton needs these boots completely spotless for her fundraiser in The Hamptons."
Best of Jack Reacher
Fannie Mae execs were pleased with the treatment they received from Congress.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Your local cable system is proud to present the new superstation BDSM.

Best of robert
Congress gets down to some serious negotiating on the bailout bill.

Arrgh! My Eyes!

geomatic 1
1. Frank was such a hardcore pedophile, he went after them while they were still in the womb.

2. Conversions to the Mormon Church jumped 20% after an ad campaign highlighted the alternative lifestyle.

3. "My Disability SSI goes up $50 per month if our kid has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Another gin and tonic, please."

4. On the left, Sh-ts. On the right, Giggles.

5. Lamaze classes... trailer park version.

Best of Submariner
Normally I consider a pregnant woman to be among the most beautiful creatures God put on Earth.
Normally...

Best of Jack Reacher
Knowing that a smaller baby will reduce stretch marks, Beth strives toward that goal with nightly infusions of alcohol and tobacco.

Best of Dub
Is that a belt on the table, or one of her stirrups?

Best of Passionate Conservative
That's right. Keep on breeding. I can feel the collective IQ of the country dropping, even as we speak.

Best of mega
The shotgun wedding now complete, Tom wondered how one little visit to Match.com could have led to such a total nightmare.

Best of flyovercountry
Pregnant lady thought bubble. Wait a minute, isn't this how I got this way in the first place?

Say Hello to Sweater Season

Best of shoechick
Shhhh...be vewy vewy qwiet. We're hunting sweater puppies.

Best of Passionate Conservative
yahoo's new "Wear Purple" initiative had unexpected results.

Best of mpur
mpur likes the sweater and seriously considers switching teams (again).


Best of Todd
Oh, that's where I left my personal flotation device.

Best of Army of Mom
Finally, Hope that I can change for.

Best of ochagirl
Miss Mixed Signals 2008.

Say Goodbye to Summer

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Clicking on the photo brings up an enlargement, where the famous camel toe of wetdreams is clearly evident in bas relief.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Female ejaculation. It is not a myth.

Best of steve o
Yeah, yeah, I know. But you're not going to catch a fatal disease by riding in the car.

Best of Army of Mom
Reason No. 1 why the Tri-Delt car wash earned more money than the Sigma Chi.

Best of Chewman
If summer is over, how and where do I get my car winterized like this?

Best of mega
"C'mon baby....ram me like Paulson sticking it to the American taxpayer!!!!!!"

Keep it in your pants, Sullivan

Shawn
1. Barney Frank was pleased with Freddie Mac's offering, and promised there would be no congressional investigations on his watch.

2. "Sorry, you guys are all way too old for the Chinese gymnastics team."

3. And after meeting all night, Bush's elite team of economic advisers recommended a $700 billion bail out for corrupt mortgage companies.

4. Charges were dismissed after Mrs. Johnson failed to pick the alleged "cat molester" out of a police line-up.

5. Yeah, Calvin Klein isn't even pretending anymore.

Best of Passionate Conservative
YMCA: UR SPELN IT RONG!

Best of Passionate Conservative
George Takei's bachelor party.

Best of Kaptain Krude
FLOOR POOSHERS... YUR DOIN IT RONG!

Best of shoechick
Obviously they are stuck in Michael Jackson's basement and they are trying to spell HELP!

Best of Jack Reacher
After convincing the boys that the pool table would float away unless they held it down, Clay Aiken sat back with a glass of chardonnay and enjoyed the spectacle.

Best of Silhouette
"Up against the wall, punks!" Law and Order: Australia

Best of OpenID mklasing
"Gay Sesame Street" unveils its version of the "Which one of these is not like the other" game.


Best of Submariner
West Palm Beach's version of a Whitman Sampler Pack.

Best of jj
Barney Frank's Christmas card from NAMBLA.

Twist ... Snap!

1. Caught in the cross-fire of the mountain-biker/rollerblader wars, desperate refugees comfort each other.

2. "If you really feel that way about it, I'll never wear plaid shorts again."

3. "Oh, stop whining. Coordinating the bandanna with these shorts would have looked super gay."

4. "Don't cry babe, someday you'll make the 'Best of' list."

5. "Oh, come on, you can't be that surprised that Clay Aiken is gay."

Best of Rodney Dill
The ennui of the 2008 election cycle sets in.

Best of Passionate Conservative
The campus production of Aliens went well, except for the Bill Paxton impersonation.

Best of Double the U
Give me a large cup of foamy almond flavored latte with whipped cream and a bag of sun flower seeds or this bitch gets it!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"There, there dear. You knew when we got together I looked like Will Ferrell. I know, I know, I look like Van Wilding. Shh, shh, I'll take the bandanna off."

Best of Jack Reacher
Bystanders at the Takei ceremony weep with uncertainty over just who is the "bride."

Best of Submariner
You can stop now. He isn't listening to your Ron Paul speech - he's dead

Best of Dub
With two victims already by his side, Johnny "Super Scot" Wilson puts another unsuspecting person into the sleeper hold.

Best of Army of Dad
Hug FAIL!

Best of mklasing
Before being arrested by the Bicycle Police Force, Loverboy's Mike Reno choked his last 3 fans.

Best of flyovercountry
I know babe, Obama lost and now our hope is gone. I guess we are going to have to get jobs now.

Best of Army of Mom
Mike Modano's post-hockey acting career was sorely lacking quality roles. His role on Heroes as Preppy Gone Bad never really caught on outside the 14-21 female demographics.

Squirt... Plop

Brender
1. "For my next trick, I'll prove that Freud was right!"

2. "And now my impression of Joe Biden's stature *after* the vice presidential debate."

3. The little known eighth dwarf... Pervy.

4. ORA: Kim Jong-Il gets snoo-snoo.

5. Geena Davis and Tom Cruise made for an awkward power couple.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Paul Bunyan raised his eyebrows and sadly suspected that the "unexpected surprise wasn't his.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Kwan was less than subtle in his quest for upskirt photography.

Best of sonicfrog
You know the old saying about getting Gene back in the bottle...

Best of Dub
You pulled a rabbit out of your hat? What till you see what I can pull out of my....

Best of molson
OK little fella. Back in you go. You're not done yet.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Rapunzel... "

Best of Submariner
Well... she got three wishes and the first was for wealth, the second for power and the third was for a 12 inch prick for the long winter nights...

Best of Jack Reacher
Chung had heard just about enough from people asking "Hey, aren't you that Travelocity gnome?"

Best of prince of leaves
Sulu's reception got a little more weird when Brooke Shields and Linda Hunt reenacted scenes from "The Corbomite Maneuver".

Best of Rodney Dill
Jumbo shrimp

Best of Rodney Dill
It always spoils the illusion when Transvestites show a little wang.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Great Optical Illusion!-
Beginners: Stare at this picture until an elf appears between those magnificent legs.
Advanced users: Try to make the elf levitate by crossing your eyes.

Mr. and Mr. Sulu

1. Star Trek episode I least want to think about now, "The Naked Time."

2. Seeing his response to the microphone, the new Mr. Takei wondered about those late nights and long weekends George spent "advising" Gavin Newsom.

3. "We're registered at 'Saks' 'Macys' and 'FistingWorld.'"

4. "I am so sick of you right-wing evangelicals. In gay marriages, it's perfectly normal to bring the ring-bearer on the honeymoon!"

5. "How did we meet? In a West Hollywood bath house doing a 'London Bridge' over Leo di Caprio.... (elbow in the ribs)... um, I mean, Match-dot-com."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Both men saw a long knobby thing they wanted to devour.

Best of Chrees
Their first fight happened when George said he would be "doing Howard" next week...

Best of Dub
This weeks interview, brought to you by the Ewwwwww, Fags Entertainment network.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Guys, I just asked if you'd be voting Republican in November. It's not that funny."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Tribbles? Yeah, they can be trouble, but it's nothing like what Captain Penicillin here brought to the honeymoon."

Look at that Ass!

Brender

1. "Yeah, I was trippin' on some truly excellent mescaline when I painted that."

2. "You see, horses that are the wrong color are scary, just like certain people who don't know their place," Hillary explained to the children.

3. "And if you kids want to learn more about Catherine the Great, check out the books at your local library."

4. Hill and Vill visit a Sex Ed class at an Enumclaw Elementary school.

5. "Dis be a horse, mutha-f-cka!" Hill and Vill visit an Ebonics Class in South Central Elementary.

Best of Jack Reacher
"...but some animals are more equal than others. That's why Super Delegates were invented, although most of them are spineless, double-crossing..."
"Okay, kids, that's all we have time for today!"

Best of Dub
Its nice to see Mr. Valdez sharing a story about his coffee hauling mule

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yep, I see the resemblance."

Best of Submariner
"...and this is the one I rode in on..."

Best of Army of Mom
Brown bear, brown bear what do you see?
I see a shrill bitch looking at me.

Best of Army of Mom
Hillary's audition for the new Price is Right as a pointing girl went poorly.

Best of Army of Mom
Hillary, would you please put the snapshots of Chelsea away while I read to these kids?

The Title of This Post Is NOT "Monkey in the Middle"

Juliana

1. "Hi. Since we took over Congress, gas has gone from $2.20 per gallon to $4.00, and unemployment has gone from 4% to 6%. And *you* thought we hadn't accomplished anything."

2. "Hey, no fair, Nancy! Since when do you get exclusive possession of the eye AND the tooth?"

3. The phrase "Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck" comes irresistibly to mind."

4. "So, anyway these two black guys walk into a bar and... oh, crap, there's one of those people behind me, isn't there?"

5. "OK, so we did absolutely nothing to prevent the mortgage meltdown, but we did pass 12 non-binding resolutions against the Iraq War? Shouldn't that count for something?"

Best of Seoulman (R)
She's Hope, I am Change and coming to CBS this Fall we star in the new comedy "Benson's Back"

Best of Double the U
Alright, nobody try anything or the ... ah.. the... THIS one gets it.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Harry Reid's attempts at a Vulcan Neck Pinch were futile.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Just keep your distance, or I'll power on her speech module, and then you'll be sorry."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm a pickin'...Damn, doesn't anyone grin any more?"

Best of jj
Reid: Uh, Nancy, that gentleman from the bank is here. He wants to repo the botox.

Best of sonicfrog
Jesus Crap! The Democrats can't even get an oreo right!

Best of Submariner
"...and due to an unfortunate mix up in the Capitol restroom, my Preparation H and Granny Nan's botox were switched..."

Best of prince of leaves
CapThis Old Standby #2306034: ...Then suddenly, the man behind them disjointed his jaw and bit off their heads in one swift, bloodless motion.

Best of mklasing
"Keep it together Nancy, I know he has a gun on your back, but we have to always always always pretend to love black people, so just keep smiling."

Best of Army of Mom
Next on MSNBC: When Harry Met Nancy.

Unfortunately, there is no madcap love story here. It is truly a tragedy.

Dawn's Head Was Last Seen Flying That Way ->->->->->->

TGC


Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Clinton Spokesperson: In the dead of night, someone replaced Hillary's favorite garden gnome with a vintage piece of Americana. Any slight resemblance to her nemesis is purely coincidental, so there are no plans to remove it until after next year's Kentucky Derby.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Hilary dreams...."In an Absolut World..."

Best of Jay Guevara
Welcome to the Democrat plantation.

Best of Dub
Finally, a job that Obama is qualified for.

Best of Submariner
Re: Dub "Finally, a job that Obama is qualified for."
I, for one, would not jump to any hasty conclusions...

Best of prince of leaves
Obama ORA: "Help meeee! Help meeeeeee!"

Best of robert
I like it, Bill, but I think it needs a brighter bulb.

Best of mpur
Bill & Hillary also have a dream.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Toldya not to go through Rezko Realty, Bill."

How to Spot a Future Serial Killer

Divine Miss M


1. Twenty years later, when the bodies of 19 traveling businessmen were found in Becky's crawlspace, no one was surprised.

2. Do it to a cat, it's animal cruelty and you go to jail. Do it to a submissive bottom wrapped in an American flag and it's performance art, and you get a NEA grant.

3. Erwin Schrodinger's genetic line has, um, diminished with successive generations.

4. Unfortunately, she only took second place behind little Andy Sullivan's exhibit, "Gerbil vs. Anus."

5. PETA day care.

Best of Jack Reacher
In their latest drive to capture market share, the Die Hard marketing department may have over-reached.

Best of prince of leaves
Lynndie England, the Early Years.

Best of Passionate Conservative
...and now for my next demonstration, a cat who leaps 20 feet straight up into the air!

Best of Submariner
Jodie would go on to a critically acclaimed and lucrative film career and having a constant craving to glaze donuts...

Best of Adjustah
Nobody was really surprised when this lead, of course, to 'Knives vs. Dogs', 'Axe vs. Parents', 'Bed-spring shiv vs. Cell mate', ending of course with 'Electricity vs. Becky'.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Early photo of Kathy Bates, who even today wistfully credits Fluffy and Mr. Sparky as muses for her shocking performance in Misery.

Best of Chrees
Jimmy the Greek's granddaughter setting odds and taking bets...

Kitteh Pr0n

1. Scandal Rocks the Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Committeh.

2. Fountains of Wayne tried to follow up with "Stacy's Cat (Is Really Where It's At)" and were promptly arrested for morals charges.

3. This image appears in the PETA calendar for March 2009, the Purina Cat Chow calendar for June 2009, and the NAMBLA calendar for October 2009.

4. Putting the 'claw' back in Enumclaw.

5. Mittens Palin was the next family member to be rocked by a sex scandal.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In some countries, small hairy mammals dangling from your armpits are supposed to bring good luck. France, fer instance.

Best of Not me
Topless European female.

Best of prince of leaves
Ailurophilia -- the love that dare not purr its name.

Best of Dub
I always get sleepy after a little pussy too.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In what some call a travesty of rewrites, The Off Off Broadway version of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy focuses entirely on young Zaphod Beeblebrox's discovery of a kitten growing out of his ribcage.

Best of Adjustah
Moments later, 'Rolling, Passed Out Frat-Boy vs. Cat' was born...

Best of GregMan
The Enumclaw Stage Company production of "Midnight Cowboy" brought a new interpretation to an old classic.

Best of Tim
Scientists have never adequately explained the explosion of new species during the Cambrian Time Period, However scenes like this were probably common.

Best of Army of Mom
Mom? What do you mean take the kitten in my room and you'll take care of the other stray I brought home?

Best of Army of Mom
I see young Billy has become a man already. He gets a little pussy and then falls promptly to sleep.

Two Bicycles Built For One or Something

Brender
1. When the oil ran out, men with small penises had to find a substitute for BMW's and giant pickups.

2. My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Pansy. The man we called "Hey, Faggot"

3. Microsoft's entry into the Mountain Bike market was typical of its other product offerings.

4. Tour de France FAIL

5. Arriving at Sturgis, Frank had just enough time to realize his terrible misunderstanding before the tire iron ended his mortal existence.

Best of shoechick
Based on this picture, I really don't understand why the Mars Rover cost so much money.

Best of Passionate Conservative
The real reason Charles Johnson doesn't post about bike rides anymore over at LGF.

Best of Jack Reacher
So that explains the odd bike racks at Whole Foods Market.

Best of Submariner
The first trial cover shot for "Captain Fantasic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy" only tested well in California and Massachussetts...

Best of divine miss m
He should know that we’ll all be there for him as he starts his journey down that yellow brick road to pride and self-acceptance.

Best of Van Helsing
Obama's Secretary of Transportation demonstrates why we don't need to drill for oil.

Best of Adjustah
Just another weekend for the AIG Actuarial Department...

When the Monkey Sex Stops

REUTERS/Stringer

1. You didn't want to be around for the reception. That wasn't rice they were flinging.

2. Number 128 on the list of "People and Things That Could Provide More Sophisticated Election Analysis than Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews."

3. Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman would go on to become one of Hollywood's longest surviving marriages.

4. This was the happiest day of her life. He wished he had been born a Bonobo.

5. After weeks of smearing Sarah Palin, Andrew Sullivan was completely at ease with what he was asked to throw at the wedding... and more than a little aroused.

Wicked Best of Passionate Conservative
Hey, baby, wanna do some organ grinding?

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hang on a second, folks. Mayor Newsom wants to say a few words about inclusiveness and diversity."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Cornelius and Zira's wedding photos.

Best of prince of leaves
You know, with arms that hairy, the bride really should have chosen leg-of-mutton sleeves and opera gloves.

Best of Dwight
Gavin Newsome defended his decision to officiate the wedding, explaining that both of the monkeys were actually males.

Best of Chrees
Bubbles thought it wise not to tell his bride about his early life at Neverland...

Best of Submariner
I don't recognize the bride, but I'm pretty sure the groom is Putin.

The Day Thursday Turned Grayscale

Best of The Man
...inject stimulus into her package...

Best of Dwight
Dwight would have checked himself into David Duchovney's rehab clinic, but it was late Thursday afternoon and his "signing arm" was too exhausted to complete the paperwork.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Obama shuddered,"dammit, if I'd picked this one instead of that moron, I'd already be President!"

Best of Jack Reacher
I wonder if Charles Gibson would ask her about the Bush Doctrine. On second thought, it doesn't appear to be relevant in her case.

Best of lawhawk
Boy, someone really ought to work on their HDF file skills. Too much brightness, and the pearls have got to go. Too much clutter.
Same for the camisole. Much better.

Best of racerboy
-right click
-Save As

Best of Dub
Her Doctor: She has acute angina.
Dub: She's got great tits too!

Best of Winchester
Who is this chick. I feel a need to stalk...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
(Winchester) Could we carpool?

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Undated paparazzi-pix of Bette Midler during her Christopher Reeve phase.

Best of Silhouette
Remember, she has x-ray vision. She's not smiling at you, she's laughing at your Scooby-Doo underwear.

Best of Army of Dad
I wonder if she goes down faster than a speeding bullet.

Best of Dwight
...And then David Duchovney checked himself back into porn rehab.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Man, that Jimmy Olsen has some weird fantasies...

Best of The Man
The "S" stands for Pretty.

Best of Dub
Kryptonite may kill Superman, but Supergirls giant nose kills Dubs erection.

Best of Jack Reacher
How long can she hold that pose? As long as something shiny hypnotizes her.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Kal El: "Uhm, ya know, I heard we're not really cousins..."

Best of mpur
You know, Clark Kent gets really pissed when the hookers rummage through his closet while he's sleeping.

Best of racerboy
Debbie Does Metropolis

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Look, up in the sky! The sky! THE SKY'S UP THERE, YA PERVS!

Best of Adjustah
"Thank you Jewish Super-Girl!"

Panda and Horse

Silhouette
1. Smack-Smack, the world's first panda crackwhore.

2. "There, this shipment of embryonic panda stem cells should keep Nancy Pelosi alive for another week."

3. "There, this injection of panda urine will... so, sorry, why exactly does Andrew Sullivan take injections of panda urine?"

4. The People's Republic of China... the modern, thriving nation where elite wildlife biologists wear plastic flip-flops.

5. A Chinese, caught right in the middle of playing joke.

Best of Dub
PANDA BEAR REACH AROUND....UR DOIN IT...WELL, I DONT KNOW...I GUESS THAT LOOKS LIKE HOW I'D IMAGINE IT...NOT THAT I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT....MUCH.

Best of Passionate Conservative
And now a scene from SAW V: Beijing.

Best of The Man
In Russian Emnuclaw, animals have sex with you.

Best of Whacko
Just two more injections, some phony documents, and the panda will be ready for the 2012 Olympic women's gymnastics competition.

Best of Double the U
Thanks Bob, this is the only way to get panda semen, you are being a real sport about the whole thing.

Best of Submariner
The "Chinese Michael Jackson" had slightly different urges and gave all of his "Mao Juice" to a different toddler group.

Best of Silhouette
Wang, your company drug test came back clean for pot, heroin, or coke. But corporate is real concerned about how much bamboo you seem to be eating.

Best of flyovercountry
The very moment Jackie Chan decided on a movie career.

What to Buy the 'Butterface" Woman in Your Life

Roto-REUTERS/Albert Gea

1. Just another smug San Franciscan in love with the smell of her own farts.

2. (Breathing Noises). "Trig... I am your mother..."

3. Helena Bonham Carter is Morpheus in Tim Burton's Neil Gaiman's Sandman.

4. A vegetarian diet plus sphincter as wide as Greyhound bus means guests of Sully should come prepared.

5. Young Muslim girls who "dishonored" their families by rejecting an arranged marriage are often easy to spot.

Best of Cybrludite
I gotta say, that's one of the more elaborate bongs I've seen.

Best of prince of leaves
Found on dKos: photographic PROOF that Sarah Palin personally gassed a half-dozen Inuit villages in order to clear the way for a new pipeline project.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hannibal? I'm ready for my close-up now!"

Best of Submariner
For fresh air in Ford Field, try our new line of "Da Lions Stink" apparel...

Best of Passionate Conservative
Jason Vorhees' lesser known sister, Nancy.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"My friend... he doesn't like you. I don't like you either..."

Best of Submariner
When you've grown out of a rolled up 10 spot for your recreational needs...

Best of midwatchcowboy
Now I understand why the USOC wrote that crappy apology for the Olympic cyclists in Beijing.

Best of steve o
Don't laugh. At the Ron Paul rallies, she's one of the "normal" ones.

The White, White Stripes

1. Ironically, all of them were writing indignant articles about the lack of minorities in the GOP.

2. "Check it out, every Inflatable Rubber Cowboy site bookmarked."

3. "Have we accused Sarah Palin of being a cannibal yet? Oh, then how about a necrophile? ... Dibs!"

4. The Obama campaign's crack team of "Christian Conservatives" and "Lifelong Republicans" spend another day spamming the comments in conservative blogs.

5. "So, according to this scientific quiz, if I were a Transformer, I'd be Starscream."

Best of BigNick
With Andrew Sullivan's days consumed by bashing Sarah Palin, Match Game 2008 couldn't possibly replace Charles Nelson Riley.

Best of Passionate Conservative
As Biden ate the little child onstage, the members of the Mainstream Media Corp thought shiny happy thoughts.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Dude, you totally sunk my battleship!"

Best of Dub
Bottom Right Guy: I can not believe I left my laptop at home.
Woman above him: I can not believe I left my laptop at home...I'll just stare at my Zune like its a PDA.

Best of Silhouette
"Your honor, I hate to complain, but I don't think my jury is paying complete attention."

Best of Submariner
On the special edition "DNC I've Got A Secret," Uncle Sam, in costume, stumped a double panel despite having 4 times the normal question allotment and 2 episodes.

Best of Army of Mom
Screenshots:

Back Row L to R:
Espn.com
google.com
wookiepedia.com
Zune tunes

Front Row L to R:
Milfhunter.com
huffingtonpost.com
dadgonemad.com


Best of Kaptain Krude
"What the...? Ohmigaea! It's downloading and installing Windows Vista! Aah! Delete, delete, why won't you delete?"

Best of GregMan
"What's that? Kos said Elvis is really Trig's father? Yeah, let's run with it."

Yeah, You Wish, Sullivan

1. Master of Arrogance Joe Biden demands that God pull both of his fingers.

2. "Huzzah!"

3. Biden badly overestimates the number of good ideas he's had during 39 years in the Senate.

4. Biden addresses the Nutroots Left and speaks to them on their own level: "Look at my boogers!"

5. "I see by my name-plate I'm about to shift out of phase again. Mr. Data, please reverse the polarity on my quantum stabilization matrix." Joe Biden plagiarizes Star Trek.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Heh, my hemorrhoids were so bad it took a tube of Preparation H THIS BIG just so I could be with you here today.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"This is how big I get when I look at that pic of Kerri Walsh directly above my head in V the K's banner."

Best of GregMan
ORA: And now, a man with a tape recorder up his nose.

Best of stylinjulie
"Everybody, Stand up for Chuck!"

Best of Silhouette
Invisible flossing.

Best of Jack Reacher
"The chair recognizes the gentleman from Delaware, and requests that he stop shooting rubber bands."

Best of Van Helsing
Biden's next job: Throw your pie between the goalposts and win a kewpie doll.

Best of baslimthecripple
Joe Bidet demonstrates how far he is prepared to take it up the keester to be VP.

Best of Submariner
It's a "good touch" up to this far, then I get uncomfortable...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!! To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!! "

Best of Army of Dad
So you have a hot running mate, whoopty freaking do.

Best of Army of Mom
LOVE BOAT ISAAC: UR DOIN IT RONG!

Best of mega
Biden's screen-test for "Dances With Wolves" had gone badly, except for the 'Tatankah' scene, which all agreed he had carried off with great charm and ebullience.

Best of Whacko
Not to be outdone by Michelle, Joe shows off his cool dance move (that's right, he only has one)

Gavin Newsom Likes Him Some Hooker Midgets

Brender1. "Now, let me show you a little trick with a microphone that will help you kids keep your boyfriends happy."

2. Disgraced Mayor Gavin Newsom soon found employment teaching sex ed to kindergartners under President Obama's "No Child's Behind Left Unmolested" program.

3. The key to Gavin Newsom's 2010 election strategy: Raunchy ventriloquism.

4. "I'm here today with Oscar-winning actress Linda Hunt to discuss the danger of contracting STD's through fisting."

5. "You kids are so naive and ignorant of the real world, I hope you never grow up. I need your votes."

Best of Jay Guevara
Newsom thought bubble: "If SF weren't full of colon commandos we wouldn't have to import kids from Third World countries."

Best of Passionate Conservative
No, no, no! I told you I need three virgins for sacrifice! These kids are all from San Francisco!

Best of Jack Reacher
Mayor Newsome finds another half dozen people on Acorn's payroll.

Best of prince of leaves
"Mommy, we found a metrosexual! Can we keep him?"

Best of Submariner
Please always remember and never forget, children; what happens at Avalon Manor should stay at Avalon Manor no matter how good it makes you feel...

Best of Double the U
... and kids... they call that act "The Aristocrats"

An "Outstanding" Mayor

RASHAUN RUCKER/DFP

1. “Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my . . . orgasm has left me a cripple. I don’t know how I shall ever get back to work."

2. I CAN HAS PARDUN PREZZIDUNT OBOMMA?

3. "And in conclusion, your honor, I'd like to thank the American news media for burying this story and my party affiliation."

4. "Mama's little baby loves shortnin' shortnin'. Mama's little baby loves shortnin' bread."

5. "I plead 'Not Guilty by Reason of White Folks Bein' All Up in Mah Shizzle'"

Best of Dr. Hardcrab
"...and then his hand dropped down to the buttons of her lacey blouse that haltered her ample, waiting bossom....."

Best of The Man
Judge, I did not steal your grandmother's couch to make this suit.

Best of Jack Reacher
Kill mah landlord,
Kill mah landlord...

Best of Rodney Dill
"They're right Kwame, That suit does warrant a seventh Felony charge."

Best of Jay Guevara
"You're right, Kwame, it is a big goddamned word. Now just sound it out."

Best of Submariner
Kwame: Shit man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head. You know?
Hakeem: Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you man.
Kwame: I say hey sky, s'other s'ay I wan say?
Hakeem: UH...
Kwame: Pray to J I get the same ol' same ol'.
Hakeem: Eh. Yo knock yourself a pro slick, gray matter live performas down now take TCB'in man.
Kwame: Hey, you know what they say... See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em.
Hakeem: Leg 'er down 'n smack 'em yak 'em
Kwame: Cold got to be. You know? Shiiiiit.

Best of mpur
Sound it out, Kwame. Guh, guh..it's a hard G. Now, ill..good. Now T. That's right, Kwame, Guh-ill-t. Guilty. Good job!

Best of Adjustah
"Gee, kids, I don't know how Fat Albert and Weird Harold are gonna get outta' this one..."

Must-See TV

Brender
1. "Well, at least Dan Fowler got a good laugh out of our situation, honey."

2. "I guess Bush still hates us, dear."

3. "The bullsh-t from the Obama campaign is already knee-deep and rising.

4. "On the radio, they said the dike failed. But I don't see what this has to do with Hillary not winning the nomination."

5. "I told you God would punish us if we didn't stop praying to Cthulu."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Although the aroma was wonderful, residents of Hershey, Pennsylvania were just not amused when striking employees sabotaged the famous factory's vats and pipes. OTOH, diet centers were licking their chops.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Knee deep in foul water, and they still get to watch "The L Word."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I wouldn't worry about it. This happened the last time I watched the Democrat Convention."

Best of prince of leaves
Oh great. Making fun of a pair of double-amputees watching television while sitting on their freshly-waxed linoleum floor. Read their story. Edumacate yourselves. Monors.

Best of Whacko
Kind of makes you wonder how high on the walls those 220 volt outlets are.

Best of Double the U
Honey? Can you go jiggle the handle on the toilet?

Best of mega
Fortunately, Tim and Amy got help from a community organizer to find an apartment on Chicago's southside.

Best of Silhouette
"Honey, my water broke. I think it's time."

Best of Submariner
How Gaia says "Wrong furniture pattern."

Old Women Making Food

Americana

1. Angry over the latest "McCain is a geezer ad," Myrtle makes sure to spit in every order of potato salad coming from Obama headquarters.

2. Myrtle didn't mind the deli at Food Lion, but she did miss her old job as an attorney in the Bush Justice Department.

3. Once again, the tension between Myrtle and Edna was so thick you could cut it with a knife. *This* was why workplace romances were strictly discouraged.

4. "Yes, I remember being a young girl in the sweet flowering of youth. It was about the time Joe Biden was first elected to the Senate..."

5. "Anyway, I says to Myrtle, I says 'If you drop acid while listening to Dark Side of the Moon
and watching The Wizard of Oz, they totally sync up...'"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Investigating complaints a cafeteria worker was thumbing the scale and pocketing overages, Weights & Measurements Inspector Twoomie cleared "Myrtle" of any wrongdoing but ordered her to buy a support bra.

Best of Passionate Conservative
The workers at the Soylent Green facility were sworn to secrecy.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The horror really hit Thomas as he looked up from his tomato soup. It didn't matter, really, to whom the dentures he just discovered belonged to.

Best of flyovercountry
Although it took a few weeks, President McCain came to like moose stew, and the fact that the Alaska folks would work for minimum wage, and liked it, was just frosting on the Baked Alaska.

Best of Silhouette
Since Michael Moore was dining alone tonight, the kitchen staff just served some courses straight from the metal bins.

Happy Lizard Plane

Brender

1. "Call CENTCOM, tell 'em another air asset has become possessed by Gene Simmons."

2. "Do you like that. Yeah, it feels good when I touch you there, doesn't it?"

3. "OK, adjust the lens, and we'll just send you on a little 'sightseeing' trip over the nude beach."

4. "What is it, girl? Is something wrong? Is Timmy down a well? Did a tractor flip over on grandpa?"

5. Srgt. Weston was so wrapped in his work he completely failed to note the Go'auld symbiote poised to strike.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hey, where can I get a drone that runs on licorice?

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Okay, now watch her tongue when I scratch her j-u-u-u-st r-i-i-i-ght here.

Best of sonicfrog
Jeez, even the plane has a penis... like I said, "It's Phallic Phriday at Caption This"!!!

Best of Silhouette
Little known fact: Harry Olsen, the 100 ft tall man, served during WWII servicing B-17 bombers

Best of Foz
Q. What's the difference between an armed UAV and Saracuda Palin?
A. It is in fact a trick question... there is no difference. Heads up Barry, INCOMING!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Tech 1st Class Cornbuhl successfully reprogrammed the UAV so it would acquire and retrieve red licorice strips from arab street vendors.

Best of racerboy
I'll make that face too, if you grab me like that!!!

Best of flyovercountry
OK, now how do you spell "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad"?

Best of mpur
Everyone loves a happy ending.

Best of Adjustah
ORA "I think it's a mail plane..."

Best of Submariner
In preparation for an Obama presidency, troops have begun teaching the armament to stick it's tongue out, and in the most severe cases, to taunt with a French accent.

Ummm.... Yeah

1. "And your uptight neocon parents wanted a traditional wedding.

2. ♫Penis-man, penis-man, does the things a penis can... ♪

3. "Wait til you see the rest of the cowboy."

4. "Well, off to teach sex ed to kindergartners."*

5. You know, it wasn't my intention to have a Phallic Friday, but now I'm thinking I should put up a picture of Keith Olbermann to complete the dickhead trifecta.

Best of Whacko
Overdosed on V*agra. Looks like he's gone way past the 36 hour "call you doctor" point.

Best of Tim
Katie had originally wished for a politician but figured this was close enough

Best of kg
Billy leaves no doubt which brain he's thinking with.

Best of Jack Reacher
Billy wondered "What if those spam ads for penis enlargement really worked? And what if I went for all of them?"
Billy wonders no more.

Best of Chrees
Pictured: the giant hardon collider that will destroy the world!

Best of sonicfrog
OK. Ha Ha. I get it. Fairies love Cock.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
And a Heimlich-erotica fetish is born.

Best of Jay Guevara
"He's going to the costume party as a journalist."

Best of mega
Tom rolled his eyes. "No matter what sick games we decide to play, the watch stays on. Deal with it."

Best of flyovercountry
This was the last year that the Southeast High School seniors were allowed to write and perform their own musical. Regardless, "Man of La Big Penis" was a huge hit.

Best of Army of Mom
Ike's coming, where's your raincoat?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ok, I'm uh... pretty sure I need the rain poncho now."

Best of Submariner
...and finally, I'd like to thank the NEA for electing me Union President on the first ballot...



* Not a reference to anyone running for president. How dare you assume such a thing, you bigot!

Cockberg Ahead!

Andrew Sullivan announced he is taking a Sabbatical from his questioning-the- legitimacy-of-Sarah-Palin's-children duties at The Atlantic to undertake an expedition to Antarctica. His last garbled message was either "following the expedition of Shackleford" or "expredition to be shackled to an iceberg."

Wicked Icy Cold Slow-Brewed Best of Adjustah
Batman hated it when Mr. Freeze left 'clues' behind at the scene after he'd been drinking.

Icy Cold Best of sonicfrog
"Wonder Twin Powers ACTIVATE"
Jayna: "Form of... a Sperm Whale!!!"
Zan: "Form of... an Ice Penis!!! Come to me Jayna!"
Jayna: "Zan, WTF???"

Icy Cold Best of paul
Global Warming can now be blamed for shrinkage.

Icy Cold Best of The Man
Sully is always racing to one pole or the another.

Icy Cold Best of ochagirl
For once, the dildo looked much smaller online.

Icy Cold Best of Son Of The Godfather
Last time I went kayaking up north, I got the shaft.

And he can't wait to go back - VtK

Icy Cold Best of Son Of The Godfather
Ishmael: "Wait just one effing minute, Ahab... You mean THAT is what all this fuss has been over?!?"

Icy Cold Best of Submariner
Tipper's only comment was that it was "...slightly less stiff than Al, slightly warmer and would indubitably be more fun at parties."

Icy Cold Best of Carpe Phlogiston
At least 4 Japanese whaling vessels full of horny sailors have sunk after being lured too close to what Greenpeace calls its "Tokyo Rose Merman."

Icy Cold Best of Jay Guevara
Forget Obama - that's the one the chicks have been waiting for!

Icy Cold Best of racerboy
Never thought I'd see an iceberg that needed a "fluffer"...

Icy Cold Best of Army of Mom
It's definitely a grower.

Rear Window

1. "Oh, look, it's starting to hail. Should I let the kids back in, or drink wine and watch Oprah. Decisions, decisions."

2. "And right outside my front window, the exhilarating drama of Rottweilers versus Obama volunteers."

3. "Mr. Sullivan's stomping around in his backyard naked with a rolled towel stuffed up his butt singing selections from Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals. It must be Thursday."

4. "What is it about an illegal cock-fight that gets me so-o-o-o horny!"

5. "I feel sorry for those red state peasants, who've never known the taste of arugula or the simple pleasure of a champagne enema."

Wicked Best of Jack Reacher ...
Muffy felt and emptiness in her life, and couldn't put her finger on the problem, until one day, it hit her; her community needed organizing.

Best of Passionate Conservative ...
Melissa Etheridge music video reinactment.

Best of 1 monkey, 1 typewriter ...
"What was the blood-curdling scream? Oh well, I'll just get undressed in front of this window with the door unlocked. What could possibly happen?

Best of mega ...
McCain's choice for Treasury Secretary came on the heels of the Jessica Alba appointment at State, and as one feminist noted, "is starting to fit a troubling pattern, since this one doesn't even have a bank account."

Best of racerboy ...
As Jenny gazed out the window over Nantucket Sound, she noticed an iceberg drifting in...

Best of Army of Dad ...
*thought bubble* ( )

Orange, Fuzzy, Slutty

Best of Passionate Conservative
This reminds me, I have to go shopping for earmuffs later.

Best of Army of Mom
That is one flaming cooch!

Best of Chrees
The answer to the age old question "Shag or hardwood?" -- both!

Best of attmay
The muppet who died to make that rug probably would have thought it was worth it.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Orange, Fuzzy, Slutty": Classified ads reveal the seemier side of FraggleRock.

Best of 1 monkey, 1 typewriter
Kids, this is what Hillary looks like after 19 shots of tequila. Let that be a warning to you.

Best of steve o
If I were the director, Batman's new nemesis would be "Pussywoman."

Best of ochagirl

Open>> GIMP>> Tools >> Color>>

Adjust Color Levels >>Red>> Decrease Shadow; decrease mid-tones.

>>Blue>> Increase Mid-tones

Riot Gear

Brender

1. "What is it with you hippies? Do your trust funds come with 'no deodorant' clauses?"

2. "Hey, Pig! May I put some lipstick on you?"

3. "Hey, Fascist Oppressor! Does this make it look like I have cancer? I'm trying to score a mercy f--k with a dumb hippie chick?"

4. "The oppressed peoples of the world will one day... um... one day ... um... they will. Dude, I could kill for some Doritos right now. Got any Doritos, dude?"

5. "Dude, I'll swap you my glasses for your gas mask. These hippie chicks are fugly and they smell like raw ass."

Best of Jack Reacher
"See this scarf? $29 at Urban Outfitters! Score!"

Best of mega
"Do you SEE this, pig? Do you??? Dunkin Donuts effing RULES, man."


Best of Silhouette
"26/32? Pffft, I have 20/30 vision, babee. Twent. Ty. Thirt. Ty. Right here, dude. Who looks foolish now?"

Best of Army of Mom
Rick Rockwell never got to bang Darva Conger, but he did get this lovely keffiyah as a parting gift.

Best of Submariner
So... I'LL see YOU at the Blue Oyster at 7:00?

"You're a Little Too Old For Me, Senator"

1. "Thank you, Mr. Rogers, I will try to remember to know when to hold them, and when to fold them."

2. "Santa, can I get an inflatable rubber cowboy? It's for the wife. She'd like to have hard sex for once. And fries. (Belch)."

3. "Listen, I have to go herd some sheep over Brokeback Mountain, and I was wondering..."

4. "I don't like to brag, but I did graduate in the top 92% of my law school class."

5. "My body is a wonderland? Jeez, Biden, don't you have any original pick-up lines?"

Wicked Best of attmay
"Yes, Tevye, if you vote for Obama he will remove that pesky fiddler from your roof."

Best of Van Helsing
"The lady behind us wants her hat back."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Of course I'll kiss you. I don't mind the beard, after Michelle, I'm used to hairy things in my mouth.

Best of flyovercountry
Why no sir, I don't mind invading your personal space, because you see, I am a blow hard, life long politician, and that is what I do best, now, give me your wallet.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Remember me Senator? From the Blue Oyster?

Best of Whacko
"Look old-timer, I'm gonna need some more hair plugs from you. And no more from your ears, understand!?"

Best of Army of Dad
Excuse me Senator, you need to keep at least six inches of space between you and your dance partner at all times.

Best of Double the U
I like that ugly hat of yours, I mean ugly beard, ah wife ugly wife, oh woa, ah of course I think your a good looking guy, woa, well not in a homosexual way, but I support gays, not saying you are woa-ah if I only knew how to stop talking!



Interesting how some of the Best ofs from the below pic work for this one, too.

Best of Whacko
"Look, sweetie, I just want a little of your hair for some plugs. It'll only take a minute and won't hurt a bit."

Best of prince of leaves
Real nice. Using a perfectly innocent situation to imply that a vice presidential candidate is somehow involved in a sordid sex scandal. You'd never catch *Democrat* blogger doing something as sleazy as...oh wait...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Art Linkletter Show archival footage - first of many recorded encounters where Joe is told, "HEY jerk, my eyes are up here!"

Biden: For Those Who Think Young. Really Young.

Johann Sebastian Schneider

1. "Dammit! This isn't the sexbot I ordered, it's Gary Glitter's!"

2. "Sarah Palin, I've been sent from the future to kill you." The Bidenator failed when eight year old Sarah Palin whipped out her moose rifle and nailed him right in the central processor.

3. "Little girl, do you know when you grow up, get married, raise a family. grow old, and eventually die ... I'll still be in the United States senate?"

4. "So, anyway, the rash should clear up in about two weeks, and it should stop hurting when you pee around then. Oh, and here's a nice credit card from my friends at MBNA for being such a good sport about this."

5. "I'd get used to my basement dungeon, honey. All the milk cartons have pictures of SOTG on them, so it's gonna be a while before they get around to you. Now, put the lotion on your skin."

Best of Passionate Conservative
So, you'll let me copy your essay on Timmy's Pony, and I'll use it in a speech, OK? What do you mean you want five dollars for the essay? Dammit, I can get an essay from Neil Kinnock for nothing!

Best of Whacko
"Look, sweetie, I just want a little of your hair for some plugs. It'll only take a minute and won't hurt a bit."

Best of sonicfrog
Biden may actually have the higher IQ in this case.... maybe.

Best of Chrees
I know the internet hasn't been invented by Al Gore yet, but I think I'll call you LonelyGirl07

Best of Jack Reacher
Nice, making fun of a pathetic political hack, implying perverted motives, when all he really wants is her hair. Read his (plagiarized) story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Best of prince of leaves
Real nice. Using a perfectly innocent situation to imply that a vice presidential candidate is somehow involved in a sordid sex scandal. You'd never catch *Democrat* blogger doing something as sleazy as...oh wait...

Best of prince of leaves
Until the pictures from Biden's 1973 Alaska junket surfaced and Palin's "bad touch" memories came flooding back, everyone would naturally assumed McCain to be the candidate most likely to go on a PTSD-flashback-induced shooting rampage.

Best of Double the U
To get ready for the debates, Biden decided to start with a girl from the third grade and work his way up to Sarah Palin.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Art Linkletter Show archival footage - first of many recorded encounters where Joe is told, "HEY jerk, my eyes are up here!"

Jumping to Conclusions... Baby Edition

Brender

1. Planned Parenthood tries to make late term abortions more festive.

2. Ringling Brothers inaugurates its daycare center.

3. "Hey, careful muchacho. Those the anchor babies! Viva McCain!"

4. "Wow, John Edwards's heterosexuality has reasserted itself with a vengeance!"

5. "Well, gee, that's not very impressive. Hey! What if we had the Fonz jump over a shark instead?"

Best of The Man
NYT: Palin once stomped on babies as a member of the Alaskan Nazi-Baby Stomping Association in 1984.
(Source - unknown)

Best of Passionate Conservative
Hannibal Lecter prepares the grapes for his homemade Chianti.

Best of Chrees
I still don't get the graduation exercises for the Palestinian special forces...

Best of Whacko
Evel Schwartz sets the record of five babies in a single jump.

Best of prince of leaves
For the rest of her life, the little girl in the foreground would suffer uncontrollable and inexplicable panic attacks whenever DHL cargo planes flew over.

Best of Submariner
Wait; that's no way to kill roaches!

Pottie: The Clown With a Giant Angry Penis

Divine Miss M

Best of The Man
Keith Olbermann proudly display's his journalistic awards

Best of GregMan
The Folsom Street 4-H Club holds it's annual indoor gardening show.

Best of Submariner
Miss M; how many times do I have to tell you not to put on the mud suit in front of the plants?

Best of Passionate Conservative
The clown on the right isn't really a blond.

Best of mpur
Another DNC convention souvenir. Interestingly enough, none of these were found in the trash at Invesco field.

Best of Jack Reacher
His handlers had trouble pulling John Edwards away from the display, while he kept muttering "No! I'm a father! I've done it with women!"

Best of Army of Mom
Consult a horticulturalist if your cactus has an erection lasting four or more hours as this could be the sign of a serious complication.

Best of Rodney Dill
The press never failed to show their excitement over Obama.

Best of sonicfrog
Interestinly, the latest version of the Chia Pet was only pulled off the market after it was found to have been made with lead paint in China.

Best of attmay
The real reason Mary Tyler Moore broke out laughing at Chuckles' funeral got cut from syndication.

Palin's Scandi-Scandal

1. "My team of foreign policy advisers recommends that we pillage coastal villages in the British Isles."

2. Palin was proud to have killed every animal that "donated" a pelt to this picture.

3. "Who would have thought we could get this much fur from one kitten?"

4. "Well, the pillaging of Wilmington went well. What's next?"

5. "What's in your wallet?"


Best of Passionate Conservative
Palin's first commercial for Tubog Gold

Best of Paul
What happens in Wasilla stays in Wasilla.

Best of jj
The RNC welcoming committee poses for a group picture before going out to "welcome" Andrea Mitchell.

Best of Chrees
The only picture from the Minnesota Vikings' Lake Minnetonka cruise that could be published in the paper

Best of Whacko
Looks like the inagural ball will have some, uh, "different" guests.

Best of Dub
Palin really likes horny guys.

Best of Rodney Dill
Uff-dah

Best of Uncle Grinny
Palin's hypothetical cabinet still can't top Bill Clinton's for sheer wierdness

Best of flyovercountry
For a short while, Vice President's Palin's staff had trouble adjusting to office life in the West Wing, however, after some pillaging and looting, they felt right at home.

Best of racerboy
"For years to come, the children of your village will sing of the battle for the right to form my Inaugural Honor Guard."

Best of racerboy
♪"Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam..."♪

Best of mega
Palin was so hot, even the usually reserved Queen Elizabeth was willing to take part in her kinky group costume/sex scenes.

Best of prince of leaves
"These are my friends, Markos, and they know where you live."

Eatin' like regular folk

Jack Bauer

1. "I can't believe Denny's took an hour and a half to seat us."

2. "Yeah, Mrs. Biden and I used to come here all the time when it was a Samb... um, when it used to have a different name."

3. "Are you enjoying your arugula, foie gras, and toast corners, Senator Obama?"

4. Michelle Obama was so pleased with the service, she was briefly proud of her country.

5. "OK, Barry, Michelle, let me explain why 4% is not a 'generous' tip."
Best of jj
No Barry, these are not alfalfa sprouts, they are hair plugs.

Best of Chrees
Damn it Joe, will you let me finish my waffle?!?

Best of Dub
See, I told you guys I would make a great Waffle House Organizer.

Best of flyovercountry
Joe, that is a fascinating story, tell us again about how you were once trapped in the senate restroom for 5 minutes.

Best of mega
As Biden's monologue entered its third hour, Michelle thought "I will never say 'how's it going Joe?" again.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Actually, Barry, they're called waitresses, or severs. You're not supposed to say 'Hey, Servant!'"

Best of prince of leaves
"You miserable bitch, you ruined my life! Er, I mean, couldja pass the syrup, honey?" Barry and Michelle froze in mid-bite, caught off-guard by Joe's latest gaffe.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I don't know why you let Hillary drive for you... She never could park right."

Best of lawhawk
Okay, for this caper, we're all going to have names. You're going to be Mr. Brown. You are Mr. Pink. And over there, that's Mr. Blue and I'm Joe.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The morning after the previous night's orgiastic on-stage display of french kissing & groping, an awkward silence envelopes both couples... nervously awaiting results of hastily ordered STD tests.

Enumclaw B&D

Brender

1. "Wow, Rosie O'Donnell. You're much slimmer in person."

2. The 'other' way mad cow disease gets into the human population.

3. "Hey, I'll miss you, too. But my aunt's in line to be vice president of the United States and the family just can't take another scandal right now."

4. "But why should I marry you when you've been giving me the milk for free?"

5. "What do you mean that you've been with that RNC delegate and now you'll never go back?"

Best of Frank_IBC
Where will YOU be when your V1agra kicks in?

Best of Jack Reacher
Practical joke #171 in the Super Glue Joke Book.

Best of Army of Mom
Hey Matilda. Want me to artifically inseminate you or do it the fun way?

Best of Submariner
Billy's summer project ended up getting him banned from 4H for life.