Saturday, August 30, 2008

Program Note

So that I might take it easy this weekend (I've had a week from Hell), I am going to post some of the pics that have been in the holding bin for a long time that I either never got around to captioning, or could only think of one or two captions for. I'll treat as an open caption blog and post the Best ofs on Monday. Sometime today, I'll get caught up on this week's Best ofs. Right now, I got a bathroom to spackle.

The Flintstones Meet the Vodafones?

Brender


Best of Rodney Dill
What's in your wallet?

Best of kam582
Why the Vikings never invaded Brazil.

Best of Submariner
I guess we know where these two were when the laxative kicked in.

Best of Adjustah
Mongo not think this what V the K means by 'spackling the bathroom'...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey, Mayor Nagin, it really IS a chocolate city!"

Best of steve o

Let the Norseman win.

Why? Nobody complains when the French lose.

That's because the French don't rip their opponents arms out of their sockets when they lose. Norsemen have been known to do that.


Best of mpur
Pillaging will always be more interesting than soccer.

Best of Adjustah
I see the hope and change is getting pretty deep in here...

Best of Pendark
The smart asses in Atilla's military council left out a few details when they told the Huns to go "kick them in their little white balls."

Best of prince of leaves
After falling through the timeslip, Thorvald was delighted to discover the world of a thousand years in his future still played futbol...but he was puzzled by the use of an inflated leather ball in place of a severed human head.

Best of Army of Dad
Oh I get it, a Viking in a kitten(skin) slinging mud, very clever.

The guy's fine, the plant is on esctasy

Brender


Best of Jack Reacher
Toyota's hybrid house plant saved a dollar a year on watering costs, and was priced at only $50 more than a comparable plant. The first run sold out in hours.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sure, the customer is always right... but Alice the florist lost it when the inscrutable Fung Lee began digging out earwax with one of her custom flower arrangements.

Best of Army of Dad
It rubs the lotus on its skin or else it gets the hose again!

Holy Diver

Best of lawhawk
A lesser known photo of Sarah Palin.

Best of Steve O
A hunter is going after the legendary "Big Muff."

Best of Rodney Dill
"So who's friggin' cat is stuck up a tree?"

Best of Jack Reacher
The FBI searches for its prototypical "angry white male gunman."

Best of 2spothipshot
Stanley Kurtz preparing to investigate Obamas' background...

Best of 2spothipshot
Hitchhiking was not Sals' forte.

Best of Artfldgr
The guys quickly started wondering if sals paint ball fetish was really getting out of hand

Best of Silhouette
I'm ready to do a little "shopping" in New Orleans this week.

Best of prince of leaves
A Miss Palestine contestant prepares for the swimwear competition.

Best of mpur
Sarah Palin prepares for the inevitable media onslaught.

Friday, August 29, 2008

The Popular Boy Who Smoked and Drank


1. Most drinking problems begin in the high school years.

2. "Must. Wash. Out. Image. Of. Russian. Sea. Cows."

3. "Oh, Gawd, Madonna, fifty year old women should not wear fishnets."

4. "Dang, I can't believe I wasted eight bucks on Mama Mia. I'll never wash the memory of that horrible movie away."

5. "I keep trying to wake up from this horrible nightmare in which either Barack Obama or John McCain is going to be the next POTUS."

Best of Artfldgr
Despite taking advanced physics john would always have to find his mouth through trial and error.

Best of Jack Reacher
Allowing a government consortium to design and produce telescopes led to results that should have been predictable.

Best of mpur
"Naw, Coach, I didn't get hit that hard. I just need a drink of water."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Uh, coach, I don't think he's got the eye-hand coordination to be a wide receiver."

And Dream of Sheep

Dill, Rod


1. And the first two sacrifices arrive at the Temple of Obama at Invesco Field.

2. NAMBLA holds its annual convention in Enumclaw.

3. Sheep exhibit a Pavlovian response to the sound of a zipper opening.

4. Ang Lee's remake of Babe put a paedo-bestial twist on the phrase "bah-ram-ewe."

5. "Form of ... a sheep" "Shape of... a midget lacrosse player!" The Wonder Twins plan to defeat Lex Luthor was... not well thought out.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"It's Rainin' Sheep," the newest hit on the Country Music Countdown, debuts at Number One. Voting was confidential.

Best of Army of Dad
Billy didn't need to count higher than one before this sheep put him to sleep.

Best of Dub
Justin Boots. When only the best will do while you're being sodomized by a sheep.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Will the delegate from San Francisco kindly replace the sheep and return to the voting floor?"

Best of Mephitis
Sheep Sex. u r duin it rong

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Johnny knew that other athletes shaved their bodies to increase speed, so he ignored granny's warning that hairs often grow back thicker.

Best of racerboy
In Soviet Russia, Sheep jumps on You!

Best of attmay
SEKSUL PURVURSHUN: UR DOIN IT RONG

Best of Artfldgr
With midget tossing now a crime in most cities, jim took the jobs he could

Best of Silhouette
Worst. Lint ball. Ever.

Best of mpur
It didn't take long for scientists to figure out that splicing Dolly's DNA with Hulk Hogan's was a huge mistake.

Best of Steve O
That's amazing! The sheep hardly EVER win these matches.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Sex on the Beach

Kaptain Krude
One Last Look Back


Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
After kicking Jin in the ribs and giving Tan an atomic wedgie, the Volleyvampire turned on her own team mate.

Best of Passionate Conservative
This technique, while not very effective for beach volleyball, did loosen up the athletes.

Best of Dub
Sex on the beach...UR DOIN IT...oh screw it, close enough!

Best of attmay
After this, they'll be starring in the Chinese TV series "The R Word".

Copping a Feel Is a Universal Language

6 Degrees of Blondness and Kaptain Krude


Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"No, don't move. Let me have happy memory to take to reeducation camp."

Best of Army of Dad
Beach slow dance never really caught on as an Olympic sport.,,, Dammit!

Best of kam582
Please take me back to America with you. I don't want to work in factory.

Best of jeff
"Lance Bass. You introduce me?"

Best of Dub
Borderline lesbian moment....UR DOIN IT JUST FINE!

Best of Army of Mom
Oh big American girlfriend ...

Best of GregMan
"Me feel your butt long time."

Best of Submariner
mmmm, you give me grazed doughnut...

This Is Where the Poop Comes Out

Brender

One Last Look Back



Best of Submariner
Best invitation I've had this week...

Best of lawhawk
Advertise here - call 1-800-camltoe

Best of Dub
This installment of "Things that make Dub happy" is brought to you by our friends at Kleenex and Jergins.

Best of attmay
Page 195 of "What Communists Need to Kiss," another fine coffee table book from Cap This! Press

Best of divine miss m
Do not make my bunghole angry!

Best of Artfldgr
The crowd new from janes clever signal that her team mate was going to send a hard shot up the middle.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Time to Whomp Some Hippie Ass!



Best of mpur
I love the smell of patchouli in the morning.

Best of GregMan
Officer Betty was the best at handling long, hard rods.

Best of Army of Dad
Hmm, mouth guard, handcuffs and an unusually large black rod-yep looks like Denver PD is fully prepared for the Democrats coming to town.

Best of Jack Reacher
Security at the buffet was tight after Michael Moore arrived.

Best of Two Dogs
Since there were so many celebrities in Denver, an Ice-T welcoming committee was formed.

Best of Jay Guevara
"We'll approach from the upwind side, for obvious reasons."

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Attention, attention! The supply of Soylent Green has been exhausted. Please leave the market in an orderly fashion."

Best of kam582
OK, now look, we hit the smelly ones, not the ones with the expensive video cameras. Got that?

Best of Submariner
I'm "Hope." My club is "Change." I heard you were looking for us...

Best of Kaptain Krude
I see your taser is set for "stunning".

Best of Submariner
Mom?!?

Best of Dub
Arming themselves with riot helmets, clubs, a mouthguard and 50 feet of royal blue Cat-5 cable, the Geek Squad is really trying to improve their image.

Best of shoechick
Anyone going to admit to having that outfit?

Sheeple


1. "Oba-a-a-a-a-ma! Oba-a-a-a-a-ma!"

2. Obama delegates are very easy to distinguish from Clinton delegates.

3. "OK, now to set the scene, shepherds are watching you guys by night, and an angel of the Lord appears to the shepherds and announces that Barack Obama is about to be born." -- DNC Convention, Behind the Scenes.

4. "Yeah, 'I wish I could quit ewe, too.' You're hilarious. Now, pay me the 200 bucks so I can get this itchy costume off."

5. Too eager to top Dolly, the cloning scientists went a bit too far.


Best of Passionate Conservative
...no I don't have any f*cking wool! Now shut up!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
2008 Jeff Foxworthy "Are you a Redneck?" Rorschach test -
If you find anything erotic about this photo, you ARE a redneck!

Best of Dwight
The whole fettish porn acting gig seemed harmless enough... until Peter North stepped out of the dressing room wearing a kilt.

Best of Dub
Being more of a "horse aficionado", the shepherd sulked under the tree while quietly working his staff.

Best of Double the U
ORA: "She drives me crazy and I can't help myself."

Best of mpur
"You want a piece of me? Uh, no, wait a minute..."

Best of attmay
"Quick, the Scottish are coming! Everybody hide!"

Best of Silhouette
Based on evidence, experts predict cows also in corn.

Best of Army of Dad
Damn kid kept crying wolf and now there really is a wolf and we are so screwed.

Best of Jack Reacher
When Wile E. Coyote dreams.

Best of Submariner
The flock didn't mind #3's quirks until she bought a Serta.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"No, really! You're supposed to take us seriously!"

Best of Army of Mom
Hey good looking, we'll be baaaaa-ck to pick you up later!

Best of Adjustah
This message sponsored by the Welsh Board of Tourism.

The Real Reason The Russian Birth Rate Is Plummeting

1. After seeing coverage of the protests on their behalf, the Iraqi population voted unanimously in favor of "Bombs."

2. ♫"Manatee, my manatee/How your whiskers tickle me/In places no one ever sees/My large and supple manatee.." ♫

3. Another photograph from alt.binaries.gouge-my-eyes-out-with-a-fork

4. Vladimir Putin's carefully staged "Welcome Home" events resulted in 100% of Russian troops re-enlisting for another tour of Georgia.

5. "We love you long time... 30 kopecks... (Belch)."


Wicked Best of Rodney Dill
Oh the huge manatees

Best of Silhouette
Celebrating glorious victory over moose and squirrel.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Great, the only boobs on the Internet I don't want to see.
And yes, this caption could also go with the previous picture.

Best of Army of Dad
And Then Dub's Head Exploded.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Gravity has really taken its toll on Jenna Jameson.

Best of Jack Reacher
Celebrations on a continued whaling ban were enthusiastic and sincere.

Best of Submariner
Upon reaching port, Jack Sparrow took one look at the hookers awaiting him and his crew and left for the edge of the world again...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In a misguided attempt to help the endangered species - Ursus maritimus - the Russian chapter of the Polar Bear Club decided to release several members into the wild.
Follow-up: Male bears showed no interest. One even snorted, "Potential mates? You're kidding? We just thought they were really ugly seals!"

Best of shoechick
I CAN HAZ LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS CHEEZBURGER?

Best of kam582
The swimsuit competition of the Miss Russia Pageant took a turn for the worse when the judges realized that all the pretty girls were on the internet trying to find a man from the USA.

Best of Dub
...meanwhile, at the Krispy Kreme shareholders meeting....

Best of attmay
Fat Broads In Bikinis: Doing their part to spread Teh Ghey to less fabulous areas of the world since 1951.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

More Filthy Smelly Hippies

Zombie


Because, y'all had so much fun with yesterday's anarchists, I thought I'd do a rerun. I'll start, "Stop! In the name of love, before you break my heart!"

Best of Mr. Right
"Call us a bunch of brainless monkeys, will you? Quick, everybody hurl your poo at them!"

Best of Dub
The Million Moron March.

Best of Silhouette
"And our next entry in the St. Patrick's Day parade, The Twin City Color Blind Association."

Best of Capt. Queeg
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds

Best of Submariner
Lava® and Dial® and Lifebouy®;
OH MY!

Best of Jack Reacher
Blonde guy in white t-shirt: If I find the wise guy who put the "Zombie" name tag on my back I'll kill him.

Best of GregNski
The parade at the annual convention of the Dateless Nitwits Club (DNC) was a huge success.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
With his baggy pants and tightly tied cuffs, Kyle indicates the number of "Brown Notes" he is prepared to endure before changing his shorts.

Best of Passionate Conservative
♪all we want to do is eat your brains...♪

Best of Tom
The sub human underground dwellers appear from their command center (parents basements)for the first time since thier last protest.

Best of Army of Mom
We're going to stage a sit-in and fast until ... wait, did we just pass White Castle? I'll catch up with you in a minute.

Best of Adjustah
Soylent Grey was made of hippies, but it left a unpleasant bong-water aftertaste...

The Swap


1. Michelle Obama would be disappointed to learn that Biden f-cked exactly like Neil Kinnock.

2. Michelle Obama would be disappointed to learn that his law school grades weren't the only thing Biden grossly exaggerated.

3. The swap was going fine until Obama informed Mrs. Biden that under the terms of his contract, Keith Olbermann was entitled to "sloppy seconds."

4. This week on Wife Swap, Michelle's a radical Marxist with severe racial grievances, Jill's a whitebread schoolteacher. Can their families adjust to their whacky ways?

5. *sniff* *sniff*... Michelle, may I introduce you to my good friend, ...Doctor Massingale!."

Best of Dub
Biden proceeds to maul Michelle like a coyote on a pack of hotdogs.

Best of Dub
I am Barrack Osama, and I approve of this white woman.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Tongue! Oh my God, he's sticking his tongue in my mouth! And it tastes like Kools!

Best of Passionate Conservative
Now we know why Biden and Obama got AIDS tests.

Best of Submariner
Joe's thought bubble; "Finally, a clean, well-articulated woman..."

Best of Chrees
What followed showed that there was a serious typo regarding "Recreate 68"

Best of Jay Guevara
Obama thought bubble: "I wonder if dear old Dad got his start this way. He was a playa!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yes, Senator, I'd like to learn about your stimulus package."

Best of Army of Mom
So, THAT's how it is in their family.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Feeling the earth move, both couples assumed it was a ground swell of support... turned out to be a nation retching.

The Pawing That Refreshes

Six Degrees of Blondeness


1. "I Wish I could quit Yu."

2. "Never mind me, I'm brain-damaged from lead toys and contaminated toothpaste."

3. "Oh my lack of God, your stance must be triple wide!"

4. "Jesse Jackson got to you too?"

5. "My gaydar is frawress!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"It's okay; according to Chinese government, I 36 year-old doctor."

Best of Dub
One of the more unfortunate cases of Siamese twins...joined hand to penis.
That said, they are celebrities in San Francisco.

Best of Army of Dad
Chinese Rouchambeaux: First I punch you in the nuts then you punch me in the nuts, the first one to quits loses and the winner gets a Coke.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Wow. Not very proportionate, are you?

`Best of Army of Mom
I find your lack of wang disturbing.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
With every pump, Yao got a half centimeter taller.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, August 25, 2008

Do You Know What *Your* Kid Is Doing With His Trust Fund?

Zombie
1. "Rich, smart jocks get all the good chicks! My daddy doesn't pay enough attention to me! I mean, 'End the War! Fight the Occupation!'"

2. "WEER AT UR CONVENTION. SMOKIN' UR WEEDS!"

3. "What do you mean 'What's with the patchouli-soaked bandanas?' Have you smelled us?"

4. "None of us has ever had a job. And we never will! Stupid Bush economy!"

5. Which of these 'Community Organizers' will be on the Dem ticket in 2036?"

Best of GregMan
Just then, the week long marathon of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy began, and the protest dispersed almost immediately.

Best of Army of Dad
When Sully saw the sticker on the protestor's bus that said "Cash, Grass or Ass-nonone rides for free" all he could mutter was "yes, please!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Run... the cops have deodorant!"

Best of Silhouette
"Free Georgia! No more Czar!
No rebirth of the U-S-S-R!"

Best of shoechick
Feelings...whoa, whoa, whoa feelings.

Best of Tim
-Spot the gay boy! one hint, he looks clean!

Best of mpur
These guys cleverly found a way around Denver's ban on carrying urine and feces.

Best of divine miss m
"Red Rover, Red Rover, let Andrew Sullivan come over!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
...If you can dodge a bath, you can dodge a cop...

Best of steve o
Red rover! Red rover!
Send Chelsea right over!

Best of lawhawk
Brenda would have been more impressed with John's effort if he had swapped the patchouli for deodorant just this once.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"2, 4, 6, 8,
Obama's going to articulate...
...
um, whatever his position is now...
...
um, on whatever."

Best of Adjustah
"Protest? Nah, man, I thought we were in line for Hannah Montana?"

Hand to Mouth

Schneider


1. Chelsea learned at a young age how to get her daddy's attention.

2. A Stanford education wasted on someone too dumb to even make the One Salute.

3. "Sooooooooooo-ey! Suey! Suey!! Sooooooooooooo-ey! Aw, Screw it. Yo, Monica, over here!"

4. "And now my impression of Andrew Sullivan visiting a bus station men's room."

5. "Who stole my hot dog? Damn you, Michael Moore!"

Best of Chrees
ORA: "Hey hey, ho ho, this penis party's got to go!"

Best of Dub
"I'm ready to inflate the cowboy!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
The invisible man gets his brains blown out.

Best of Army of Mom
Hey good looking, I'll be back to pick you up later.

Best of Army of Mom
I CAN HAZ BIG BLK ... wait, dad, I was texting ... gimme back the phone!

Best of Submariner
Living demonstration of CSN&Y's "Teach Your Children Well."

Oh, Here Da White Women At

Brender (cross-posted at A True Obamanation)

1. "Your offering pleases me. Your family will be spared in the purges to come."

2. "Another bounteous crop from the People's Sunflower Agricultural Collective #315. Thank you Comrade."

3. "This is from your mommy? Which one is your mommy...? The lady screaming and flashing her titties is your mommy? Which one?"

4. "This isn't arugula! What kind of cracker sh-t is this?"

5. "You stupid cracker b1tch, I can't smoke this."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Jenny suddenly realized the flaw in her plan. For the spores to be released, the flower has to be facing the target.

Best of Dub
Barrack Osama didnt realize that he had Chris Hanson peering over his shoulder as he went for a little squeezy.

Best of mpur
"Now step over to that table there and let's get you registered to vote."

Best of Army of Dad
Only moments before seeing the light from the mess-I-uh this little girl was bitterly clinging to her sunflower.

Best of Silhouette
Obama's first pick for VP was an attempt to make him look relatively experienced.

Best of Army of Mom
Little white girl: I'm a pickin.
BO: N, I'm a grinnin!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Playing with Big Balls

Jack Bauer

1. "Crap, the ball passed through a 'Magnitude Expansion Zone.' Why did I have to sign up for Little League Calvinball?"

2. The Parents Sensitivity in Sports Council thought larger balls would be easier to hit and catch and enhance everyone's self-esteem. The personal injury lawsuits were devastating.

3. "In my dream, I'm playing baseball, and there are huge balls all around me. They're ginormous, and they dangle and bounce and they look so inviting, but I'm afraid to touch them. What does it mean, doc?"

4. "For just pennies a day, you can help Billy and other victims of 'Forced Perspective Syndrome.' Won't you help? I'm Sally Struthers."

5. Little League Baseball had its own version of the The Island, complete with Rovers, as Number 6 was about to learn.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"You're gonna need a bigger glove."
--Chief Brody

Best of Jack Reacher
After he regained consciousness, Billy understood what the coach meant about "situational awareness."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Sully also struck out with his Google search for "balls in young boys' faces".

Best of Silhouette
"YOUR OTHER LEFT!"

Best of Army of Mom
The kid whose dad threw at him in a father son game.

Hosed

Americana
1. ORA: "Look, Guys, I'm Peter North!"

2. The Denver Police Department's Delousing Squad prepares for the arrest of 'Recreate 68' protesters.

3. The Denver Fire Department checks its equipment in advance of "American Flag Bonfire Night" at the Democrat National Convention.

4. "OK, Mr. Moore. Turn around and we'll get your back."

5. Bull Connor's Great Grandson couldn't help but feel that "Firemen's Day" was lacking something.

Best of Jack Reacher
Most boys who got the opportunity dreamed of becoming firefighters, but young Andy Sullivan had a different reaction to handling the large, powerful hose.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Little Charles had one talent, and it was to help John Nance Garner fill buckets.

Best of sonicfrog
That's how Obama became clean, now we just want to see how he became articulate.

Best of Dub
This "Caption This!" photo brought to you by Flomax.
Flomax, helping Grandpa remember what it was like when he was little Timmy's age.

Exit Light, Enter Night

Divine Miss M
1. "Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Ia! Beast of the woods with a thousand young!"

2. "Lord, Please let me develop large perky breasts and an ass like a 10 year old boy so I can be eye candy for Mr. Dub. Amen."

3. "And Please Lord, please let Mr. McCain pick a good conservative VP and drop dead ten minutes after taking the oath of office. Amen."

4. "Lord, please help Billy get over his energy drink addiction before his heart explodes, Amen."

5. "And, please, let someone see me on the milk carton and rescue me from Mr. Kennedy's basement."
Best of Passionate Conservative
...little Nancy was motionless, hoping that Gary Glitter would take the decoy first...

Best of lawhawk
Please let it be Biden... Please let it be Biden...

Best of Army of Dad
Please don't let me grow up to be a "bad" redhead girl who gets spankings all the time.

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and let any incriminating documents about McCain be real, with Dan Rather's fingerprints nowhere near them."

Best of mpur
And since You haven't bothered to answer me, I'm asking Obama for a pony.

Best of kam582
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my Lord my soul to keep, and if I die before I wake, it will be George Bush's fault."

Best of GregMan
"Please God, may I take a few moments of your time to tell you about Ron Paul?"

Best of Dub
The placement of the box of tissues clearly indicates that little Timmy sleeps in the other bed.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Continuing With Our Series of "Metaphors for the McCain Candidacy"


1. Kittens poop rainbows, elephants poop toddlers. It's all part of the Circle of Life.

2. Jim Carrey built his own version of the Neverland Ranch.

3. "Amateur," sniffed Mr. Slave Andrew Sullivan.

4. And the Winner of Move-On-Dot-Org's Obama in 30 Seconds Ad Contest: "Neo-Cons Sh-t on our Children's Future."

5. Just one animal away from the perfect metaphor for relying on the MSM for news.

Best of Passionate Conservative
A playground, designed by Richard Gere.

Best of Van Helsing
Billy would go on to become a pioneer in the field of veterinary proctology.

Best of Silhouette
Like his cousin, Dump-bo had a body part that was overly large, and was eventually turned into a circus act.

Best of Jack Reacher
"If you put your ear against it, you can hear the African savanna."

Best of mpur
The Really Young Republicans Club.

Best of Army of Dad
If you look at the bottom of the slide you can see little Joe Lieberman.

Best of Carpe Plogiston
Next time someone asks where you picked up your speculum fetish, think back to a certain Chuck E.

Best of robert
Little Timmy mounts another assault after being pushed to the floor by an unexpected gust of flatus.

Best of Steve O
It's called a "prolapse" and it's what's going to happen to the Republican party if McCain doesn't nominate a strong conservative as his running mate.
Never mind how I know that word.

Best of sonicfrog
Q: What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant?
A: Run around until you get pooped out!

You must spank her and spank her well

1. CBS News headline: Clinton Creates 'whip Team' To Quell Anti-Obama Protests.

2. Army of Mom had been warned what would happen if she made any more "phallically speculative" captions about Michael Phelps.

3. Dub's Prom date suffers the penalty for being "insufficiently perky."

4. Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Skank.

5. "You're sure this is a standard TSA procedure?" "It is now, ma'am."

Best of Jack Reacher
"You're lucky it's just the belt. That other chick who denied global warming? Crushed with heavy stones."

Best of Jack Reacher
Dawn wouldn't let things proceed any farther until she received proof the belt came from Old Navy.

Best of curly
Amerikkka’s a downright mean nation in 2008.

Best of mpur
This is what should happen to every 30-something woman who wears her daughters clothes.

Best of Army of Dad
This shot was taken a second after he said that she was getting one lick for every freckle.

Best of Dub
Redheads...making unsexy photos since 42BC.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

R-r-r-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-p!



Best of Whacko
Butt. Crack.

Best of Adjustah
Judges much preferred the first version of the Cuban Women's Volleyball Team uniforms.

Best of Submariner
Superior entry level position offered...

Best of divine miss m
Cowabunghole.

Best of Jack Reacher
When the new building inspector told them "This crack needs to be filled," Gallant nodded sagely, and Goofus burst out laughing.

Best of Chrees
"Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man..."

Best of Passionate Conservative
...hmmph! sniffed Sullivan. "Big deal. I grab my ankles all the time."

Best of Army of Dad
The porn remake of A League of Their Own was a little short on money for protective equipment, but had plenty of volunters for umpires.

Best of mega
G*ddammit, why won't those tectonic plates ever shift when you want them to? C'mon, just a little bit...

Best of Army of Dad
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?
or:
Where will you be when her laxative kicks in?

Best of Dub
She patiently waits for her girlfriend to arrive with the cup.

Best of Army of Mom
How you can tell when the husband selects the babysitter.

They've been naughty




Best of Dwight
How Joe Francis evaluates curtain swatch colors.

Best of mega
John Edwards interviewed several new candidates for the crucial videographer position, in his SC mansion.

Best of Jack Reacher
Sometimes they drop their toys behind the couch, and spend hours trying to figure out how to retrieve them. It's so cute.

Best of Chrees
"Dad, there's something I need to tell you about the money I've earned to pay for college..."

Best of mega
By cleverly positioning the Michael Phelps poster behind the couch when his daughters' friends were visiting, Bob was finally able to get the stroke photo he'd always wanted.

Best of Army of Mom
Army of Mom has the best book club meetings.

Best of shoechick
Ok, seriously, what is up with the one in the middle in her wedge heel, comfy shoes? How many times has she heard anyone say - Oh yeah, baby, I love those spongey shoes, forget the stilletos and the 4 inch f*ck me shoes - bring on the wedgies?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hellzapoppin'




1. 85 million years ago, Dorkoraptors were the terrors of the Cretaceous savanna.

2. Tropical Storm Fay packed some hella-crosswinds.

3. White Men and Some Chick in Weird Red Kangaroo Costumes *Can* Jump.

4. The entire road company of "Barney on Ice" was wiped out today when their chartered jet disintegrated in mid-air.

5. Making the Chinese characters for "Y-M-C-A" requires some creative adaptation.

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama's potential VP choices didn't look like any presidents on US currency either.

Best of mega
Iran's claim that Jewish commandos had landed on its shores was backed up with poorly-photoshopped suspect photos.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"California Demons, on such a summer's day."

Best of Dub
Strap-on Dildoez....UR PUTTIN DEM ON BACKWURDS!!

Best of mpur
What happens when Clifford the Big Red Dog scratches his fleas.

Best of Army of Dad
I see the Bloodhound Gang is trying to get back the remaining 12 minutes of fame they lost.

Best of Adjustah
To relax, Cheney liked to get in some skeet shooting on the weekends...

Best of Carpe Plogiston
Encountering a herd of levitating kangarooists is one of the most anticipated events Nepalese tourists expect to have on the Zen Serengeti Safari. Ohm Ohm Ohm

Best of Submariner
SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

Behold the Sphere

Beyond Binary

(I also think we may have a "Separated at Birth?)

Elton John
Sphere Dood




1. Sargon puts 400 Qatloos on Joe Biden for the Obama Veep spot.

2. Jerry Springer displays the pride of his collection of Gigantic Butt-Plugs.

3. ORA: "Hold on, it's Lord Apophos. I have to take this call."

4. "Ultimately, I propose to pave the entire Earth, as depicted in this model."

5. "And this is the actual size of the black hole the Earth will become when they switch on the CERN supercollider. Bye-Bye."


Best of kam582
Al Gore's son proudly displays his science project, which is a model of earth in 2 months if we all continue to drive our SUV's, eat what we want, and keep our homes at 72 degrees. He got an "F".

Best of Van Helsing
Globes were less interesting after the UN finally managed to impose equality on the entire planet.

Best of divine miss m
♫ ...And I always fill my ballroom
the event is never small
The social pages say
I've got the biggest balls of all ♫

Best of curly
“Now that you’ve seen my commercial grade 8 ball, let me show you some of the other worthless crap that I got from the Sharper Image.”

Best of curly
“…and this is the bowling ball Barack used when he scored a 37.”

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Hey, look what I just passed!"

Best of Submariner
Darwin Award finalist T. Bubba Jones proudly displays the 60000 volt generator moments before hooking it up to his glasses in an attempt to make "real X-Ray specs."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Yeah, I f*cked up buying this Betamax Orgasmatron; no new software for 30 years means I'm stuck with 'Rhoda Gets Raunchy' and 'Joanie Really loves Chachi!' Sigh."

Best of Jay Guevara
"And in this new religion I'm founding, you worship this meteorite, avoid pork, alcohol, and progress, seethe at the drop of a hat, and blow up anyone who looks at you cross-eyed."

Best of mega
Al Gore's "Globe In 2050 If We Don't Solve Global Warming" was snapped-up by the suburban intelligentsia like there was no tomorrow.

Best of Adjustah
The original, non-thermal exhaust port Death Star plans were rejected after Mrs. Tarkin thought that it needed "something in the middle to pull it all together".

Best of Rodney Dill
"No... Seriously... Do not taunt happy fun ball.."

Best of Army of Dad
"...and this sculpture was inspired by Tool's Prison Sex"

Best of Carpe Plogiston
What with daily police reports of a wrecked fences and flattened gardens, Rodney admitted that his steroid experiments on dung beetles might not be neighborhood-appropriate.

Best of prince of leaves
A day later, while the glassy crater that was downtown Denver still glowed, news offices in New York and DC received copies of Jim's martyrdom video.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Obama Captions

Over at a True Obamanation

Invisible Enumclaw Sex Partner

Schneider

1. "You know, Rick, this was already kinky enough without the Chuck Norris mask."

2. "Fire Island Volleyball" is just a demonstration sport at the 2008 games.

3. The "Celebratory Rimjob" is an Olympic tradition dating back about twenty minutes.

4. "Save it for the shower room, helium heels."

5. Coppertone's was unconcerned about alienating Christian Conservatives with their new target demographic, being certain that Christian Conservatives never went to the beach anyway.

Best of Submariner
SAND CASTLES; UR BILDIN EM WRONG

Best of Silhouette
Don't you just hate those overly competitive types in Lamaze class?

Best of Passionate Conservative
"It's up, it's in, and it's GOOD!!!!!!"

Best of Submariner
On the other hand, Leftenant Bruce Sparrow rooted for booty on every beach...

Best of kam582
No, you've got it wrong again. I make a "Y", you make a "M", I make a "C", and then you make a "A". There is no "W" involved.

Best of Chrees
"Who does #2 work for?"

Best of curly
Much to the embarrassment of the DNC Denver convention organizers, the “Tribute To Veterans” pander piece got mixed up with the “Cornholing/Biomass For Change” piece.

I am so happy to be here

Brender


1. "Superdelegates? Naw, we're here to write the Democrat foreign policy platform."

2. While his mother rants on and on about "Bushitler's oil war," Billy uses ASL to ask for help from Child Protective Services.

3. Dennis Kucinich supporters arrive early at the convention to rally for the VP spot (since Obama needs someone more conservative to balance the ticket).

4. The Perky Dingbats and Sullen Teens Community Theater presents an adaptation of Stephen King's It.

5. "Those idiots at Rent-a-Mob f--ked it up again. We needed people to protest human cloning."

Monday, August 18, 2008

Put Your Head on my Shoulder

Robert Todd - (Who I think was one of Liz Taylor's husbands)


1. "Dude, I really feel for your alcoholic dad, and your sister in the hospital with terminal leukemia, and your mom about to lose the house, but F--k it. I just won eight gold medals! Not everything's about you, you know."

2. "Wow, Right Guard really does hold up, even in water."

3. "Hey, don't turn away when a dissident is executed in our honor... you'll insult our Chinese hosts."

4. "Look, I'm really sorry Bush gave you a 'good-luck spanking,' but get over it already."

5. "Yeah, we're all bummer that Chris Gorham is leaving Ugly Betty, but, f--k it! I just won eight gold medals!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
So, now that all of this is over with, do you wanna go try a threesome with Sarah Silverman? Matt said she was pretty good.

Best of kam582
Hey man, I'm sorry I peed in the water, but I didn't have time to go before the race started.

Best of Jack Reacher
Sully's search for MEN+WATERSPORTS wasn't a total disappointment for him.

Best of curly
“Gosh I’m hungry for three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayonnaise; two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes, and you, you hunkalicious stud-muffin with cream cheese.”

Best of Dub
This almost-gay moment brought to you by the Number 4 and the Letter O.

Best of Submariner
I pledge allegiance, to the pool...

Best of mega
"Spitz, put down the f*@&#ing toaster, and get away from the pool. NOW!"

Best of Chrees
Well, you can always try the "I came in second to Phelps" line, but I'm not sure if it will score you anything...

Best of Army of Mom
Yeah, they all look like that when I'm done with them.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh ennui... wash me away."

Rielle Life


1. "What an ass," Rielle thought. Coincidentally, that's what everyone at every John Edwards campaign rally thought.

2. Rielle Hunter spent an hour and a half trying to figure out how to load film into a digital camera.

3. "Make sure you get a close-up of the nape. If that hairdresser didn't leave an even line, I'll scratch her eyes out."

4. "Don't tell me she's going to make another YouTube video of herself talking about shoes again."

5. Andy Warhol returns from the dead and produces an 18 hour movie of nothing but the back of John Edwards's head.

Wicked Best of Jack Reacher
"I told her my wife doesn't understand me, which is true, given that she's pretty whacked out with her chemotherapy."

Best of Army of Dad
John fondly recalls the nights spent with his new love-she was bouncing and behaving!

Best of kam582
Well, I guess I'm headed for that "other" America.

Best of mega
"Psst...I'll give you 10 percent of my $114,000 if you show me where the power switch is on this stupid thing."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
She's thinking, "Turn this way! I need photographic evidence of stubble burn patterns that match my thighs."

Best of Passionate Conservative
"No, Rielle, that's not what I meant when I asked you if you wanted to make a tape..."

Best of curly
“I’m a Pisces, Rielle is an Aquarius, and my wife has Cancer.”

Best of Chrees
Figures...I bang the one Democrat that doesn't believe in abortion.

Best of Army of Mom
Psst. Mr. Edwards. Don't move. There is a giant black furball hovering over your perfectly quaffed hair.

He likes what he sees

Schneider

1. Unfortunately, Putin mistook Bush's signal for "I'd totally hit the volleyball chick" as tacit permission to invade Georgia.

2. "Atsa SPICY Meatball!"

3. Bush suggests an alternative to the Obama "O" salute using the international sign-language for "asshole."

4. "Laura, watch me fling this booger onto the blond chick's neck."

5. Apparently, Bush doesn't think much of McCain's chances either.

Best of Army of Dad
Damn, now I know why they said not to drink the water here!

Best of mega
White people just shouldn't do gang signs, it's that simple.

Best of Adjustah
"Aw, Geez! I think I just totally sharted!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
George: See the chick to my right? I hit that. It was OK.
Laura: See the guy to my left? I had him. He was this small.

Best of kam582
When Laura asked George how his meeting with the beach volleyball team went, he replied, "Mission Accomplished".

Best of Dub
Hey George, how much can I expect to collect from Social Security when I retire?

Best of Jack Reacher
PINEAPPLE XPRESS--U R DOIN IT WRONG!

Best of curly
Up next on “Celebrity Shadow Puppets”: President Bush and the First Lady recreate the chariot scene from “Ben Hur”.

Best of Submariner
Holy Elihu; I'm so baked!
Am I still holding the roach, Laura?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Kid, We Have Opposable Thumbs for a Reason

Americana


1. "I wonder how mom learned to deep throat a can this big?"

2. "This should give me the boost I need to get away from Barney Frank."

3. "All right, whoop-ass, let's get you opened. "

4. Andrew Sullivan is only mildly disappointed by his Google search for 'young boy licking a black can.'

5. "Aw, thit, the pull-tab'th thtuck on my tongue thtud."

Best of mega
Amy Winehouse: "See, the difference is, I would never go out on my bicycle after huffing a can of keyboard cleaner spray."

Best of Jack Reacher
Billy tried for hours to produce notes from his harmonica, before someone told him it was actually a tennis ball can.

Best of prince of leaves
After a week in the hospital and some lingering brain damage, Billy learns that the nitrogen gas gizmos in Guinness cans are not intended to be huffed.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Wow, candy and a new bike? Thank you Mr. McKellen!

Best of kam582
Future mayor of a large eastern city in America.

Best of Tim
Soon after winning his first little league championship, little Johnny starts his downward descent

Best of curly
“Look! I’m Rielle!... ‘Which end of the camera should I point towards Edwards?’”

Boo-yah!

Fred Miranda


1. "Woo! I'm gonna score me some jersey hos! Woo!"

2. "I'm so f--kin' drunk!"

3. "I'm sleepin' in my underwear, watchin' Cinemax after midnight, and eatin' quarter pounders by the bag! Up yours, Mom!"

4. "Ozzie Rules!"

5. "... and I'd also like to thank our dark lord and master for rewarding his faithful minion with this championship. Hail Satan!"

Wicked Best of curly
"The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing ‘God Bless America.' No, no, no, not God Bless America, God damn America, that's in the Bible for killing innocent people . . . God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America . . ."

Best of Van Helsing
Billy flies into a rage on learning that his Little League team has traded him to the Washington Nationals.

Best of Submariner
My turd measured this long; I WON Dad!

Best of Jack Reacher
"We're going on to Michigan, and Ohio, and Pennsylvania, and New York....Yeeeeaaarrrgh!"

Best of Whacko
"Kid, I'm gonna have to ask you to wipe that lugie off of my camera lens."

Best of Silhouette
"Go Land! Beat Sea and Air! Woooo hooo, land rules, baybee."

Best of Rodney Dill
SERENITY NOW!!!

Best of Adjustah
"Do you hear me V the K? I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian!"

Best of shoechick
Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

Best of Army of Mom
I warn you not to underestimate my powers!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Hot Cornhole Action

AoSHQ


1. After hearing his new girlfriend was really into cornholing, Mark wasted a small fortune on Vaseline.

2. "Hell0? Hello? We brought the TP for your bunghole."

3. "V the K? Do you feel like voting for McCain yet, or do you want to spend a few more days in the snake pit?"

4. The Realtor proudly showed the only home in the Bay Area that listed for under $400,000.

5. "OK, now that you've seen one, can you tell one from your ass?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Daddy said if we ever miss Mommy, we just need to write a note to her and drop it in here."

Best of Dub
Glory Hole...UR DOING IT WRONG!

Best of Submariner
Looks like the hose, again...

Best of Silhouette
Lamest. Miniature golf course. Ever.

Best of curly
“That’s right! John Edwards is straight! He made it with a WOMAN!”

Best of mega
The portable Saudi burying-and-stoning system in America's parks caught people off guard and, well, made them a bit nervous. Needless to say, learning about Islam and confronting their own irrational phobias would solve the problem.

Best of prince of leaves
Chinese authorities worked hard to improve public restroom facilities in Beijing ahead of the Olympics.

Best of Adjustah
"Seriously, Sweetheart! In my defense, I just thought that maybe your parents had put in a new outhouse! Please apologize to your Grandmother."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Due to severe funding cutbacks, the National Park Service has begun replacing single-sex enclosed restrooms with low-cost unisex open air portajohns made from recycled Katrina mobile homes and kitty litter. A spokesman dismissed the formaldehyde issue as "the least of the user's problems."

Best of Rodney Dill
Whack a mole... Gitmo style

Best of kam582
The Smith's, having never ventured further than 2 miles from their home, did not realize that they had left out several vital parts of their new outhouse.

Welcome to the AoS Lifestyle

Brender

1. A Former U.S. Attorney fired by the Bush Administration, hits rock-bottom. Later, he will be murdered by ace.

2. "I'm hungover, and I'm lying in a pool of effluent... from here, a McCain presidency looks pretty good."

3. Oh, hi Dad.

4. Unlike most liberal celebrities, Bea Arthur followed through on her threat to move to Italy if McCain won.

5. Opening a Bud produces a rather different sensation than biting into a York Peppermint patty.


Best of Rodney Dill
You go to the Boardwalk with the beer you have, not the beer you wish to have or will have at a later time...

Best of Double the U
Old Bob still has it, fell off a dock and didn't spill a drop of beer.

Best of Passionate Conservative
If I sit in the water while I drink, no one can tell when I piss myself.

Best of sonicfrog
Roger Daltrey has really let himself go.

Best of Jack Reacher
All in all, dating Heidi Fleiss probably wasn't the best thing that happened to Tom Sizemore.

Best of andthenblammo!
"I'm pretty sure I've got everything I need for a great boating weekend, but I just can't shake a nagging feeling that I've forgotten something............"

Best of mpur
EuroDisney's Pirates of the Caribbean attraction was decidedly less animated than the American version.

Best of curly
Even the mermaids are ugly and dysfunctional in the Boston Harbor.

Best of Submariner
Apparently, Quentin Taratino is remaking "The Incredible Mr. Limpet."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The nightmare's always the same - just before Laura finds him huddled in a corner, sucking on an empty, wrapped up in the Mission Accomplished banner with his pants soaking wet - The Shrub's imagining himself a Katrina victim.

Best of Adjustah
Scarred irrevocably by the sight of Simon Le Bon fondling his grapes, Antione retired to Venice to simply drink those brain cells away in peace and quiet.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

A Fur Piece



Wicked Best of Dwight
Yes, I admit I made it out of LOLcats, but look on the bright side: the kittehs' last meal was, indeed, a cheeseburger.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Okay, all of yous who scratched your monitors repeatedly trying to untie the little white bow, raise your hands.

Best of Kaptain Krude
*guiltily raises hand*

Best of kam582
Why yes, I did kill it myself, and no, I am not going to show you the matching bottom.


Best of curly
John McCain’s latest ad, “Obama's appeal to ‘White Women”, currently is the most viewed video on YouTube.

Incredible



Best of Mister Bixby
Bob's "accidental" gamma radiation exposure didn't have quite the results he was expecting.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Mmmm, She-hulk smashing!

Best of kam582
No, that thing does not remind me of the incredible hulk, now please put your pants back on.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"...jeez, most fetishists want me to dress up in leather. I hate comic book conventions..."

Best of mega
She may be dressed up in comic books, but China says she's 35, so don't worry about it.

Best of steve o
The single attractive woman in the entire convention center was worshipped as both Queen and Godess by 3,000 men who have had 26 dates among the lot of them.

Best of Army of Dad
I, for one would, like to see her nipples angry.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Keep Looking, I'm sure you'll find it

Sondra K


1. "That water's so bloody cold. Now, I can't find the damb thing."

2. This pic is dedicated to Sue, my tenth grade girlfriend, who told me "You will never be as hot as Simon le Bon." Guess Again, Sue.

3. "OMG! They're gone! Damn you, Jesse Jackson!"

4. ♫"He weighs as much as a Kia Rio/And he dances on the sand..."

5. "Hey, is Jurassic Park IV finally out? Oh, no, that's just a fat Durani on the beach."

Wicked Best of Silhouette
I will never, never again hire a European magician for my child's birthday party.

Best of julie
"Yeah, babe, I was totally set to be on the Olympic Swim Team, but my package was just too big. It was totally keeping my times down.."

Best of Odoacer
An autograph? Sure. I'll get my pen.

Best of Silhouette
Sandy Berger on vacation.

Best of mpur
Judging from this picture, I'd say he's no longer hungry like the wolf.

Best of Double the U
It is a small worm or snake like thing that travels in your urine and gets stuck in your penis... why?

Best of Army of Dad
Dub is still thinking about the synchronized swimmers in their "bikinis".

Best of Adjustah
♫"My pride on the ground,
My balls, I have found...
I am lumpy like the wolf..."♫

Best of Tim
Santa's first attempt at pulling toys from his sack was not a good story.

Best of Jack Reacher
Things not as funny when a white guy says them:
'Scuse me while I whip this...er...hang on a second...

Best of Army of Mom
Most definitely a view to a kill ... it's killing my sex drive.

Best of mega
The new "Survivor: 80's Rock Stars" was kicking ass in the ratings, until one of the stars got lost. The resulting Robinson Crusoe -meets- Alive! situation was sad and, frankly, disturbing.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Ernest Borgnine prepares for his appearance on "Fox and Friends."

Army of Mom said I had to


1. "Whoa. Simon Le Bon must be THIS BIG around!"

2. "Maybe some harsh noogies will get Johnny Weir off your dingle."

3. "Hey, you know, with that muscular upraised arm, you could model for Obama's 'Triumph of Socialism' posters."

4. "And if the Chinese are lucky, I'll show 'em my 'O' face."

5. "Did you get a look at Cheney's dingle?"

Wicked Best of mpur
I'm gonna melt down my 11 gold medals and make one big ass gold medal!

Best of Passionate Conservative
When asked to describe Mark Spitz' ego, Phelps smiled and gestured.

Best of Jack Reacher
Wow, David Schwimmer has really bulked up.

Best of Submariner
Less well publicized, Tom Cruise also proclaimed his love on Lloyd Bridges' show.

Best of Rodney Dill
MARCO!!!

Best of kam582
What do you mean that Chinese gymnast was only 13?!

Best of Submariner
ALL UR WURLD REKURDS R BELONG TO US

My Little Swimmers


1. Having once been touched by The Obamassiah, Kristee has the power to levitate others out of the water.

2. The Mennonite Synchronized Swim Team goes through its paces.

3. The prospect of a night of hard sex with Michael Phelps led the synchronized swim team into the most elegantly choreographed cat-fight ever.

4. Due to the typo in its title, "Watersport Nymphos" became the top-selling synchronized swimming DVD of all time.

5. The Democrat Party exhibits the folly of off-shore drilling through the magic of interpretive dance.

Best of Passionate Conservative
I'm telling you, look at this booger!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Guess who I've been with. Smell!"

Best of Army of Dad
I find your lack of faith in my routine...disturbing.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I think we should bathe together

Divine Miss M

1. "Thanks, eHarmony!"

2. KISS Make-up FAIL!

3. When they want to get kinky, PETA couples like to dress up as Ronald McDonald and Dick Cheney.

4. ORA: "You'll love it, Darth. We all FLOAT down here."

5. In a deleted scene, Vader entertained the younglings before he slaughtered them.

Very Brady Best of Silhouette
It's as if billions of hamburgers suddenly cried out in terror, and then were suddenly served.

Best of Jack Reacher
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin are seen in a rare, unguarded moment.

Best of Rodney Dill
The Press was delighted that Obama and McCain were so chummy prior to the first debate.

Best of Adjustah
Nobody went home sober after the Hamburglar's Wedding.

Best of Double the U
Sir I *can not* give you two toys in your happy mea..ak..ak...ach.. ach...achh

Best of Chrees
"Go see my movie this weekend or the clown gets it."

Best of Dub
Once Darth started hanging out with Ronald, he clearly forgot all about his regular ab workout.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Hey, Ron, do you think you can hook me up with Mayor McCheese? His buns are smokin' hot!

Best of mpur
The real reason Obama won't show anyone his birth certificate.

Best of kam582
Hey clown boy, want to see my death star?

Best of Army of Mom
I sense something. A presence I've not felt since... Ronald, will you get your hand off my ass? That is your hand, right?

Someone's in the Kitchen with Chewie


1. "Hey, there's a hair in my... oh, never mind."

2. C3P0 sighed, "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me... but at least he made breakfast after."

3. "And now on HGTV, Cooking Naked with Robin Williams..."

4. Han Solo poked his head into the hallway, "Oh, Force, she's still here... and she's making breakfast!"

5. Droids don't rip people's arms out of their sockets when they run out of cilantro ...Wookies have been known to do that...


Best of Jack Reacher
Lemme guess; you like the crunchy side of the shredded wheat. The sweet side, not so much.

Best of Dub
Ewok...the other, other, other white meat.

Best of Chewman
Hey SnoopDog! Chewie's got the munchies again! I know we just got back from Tacobell so you tell him to stay out of the fridge!

Best of Rodney Dill
Somehow the Millenium Kitchen, just didn't have the same ring to it.

Best of Army of Mom
Bitch calls me a big walking carpet. We'll see how she likes her hash browns with some special Wookie sauce in 'em.

Best of Submariner
Well, that explains the $13.57 in water bills with a companion $3,681.53 in rotor rooting of shower drains.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Stupid? Hell, yeah, I feel stupid. 'Bathing in Rogaine' sounded like a fun reality show. The 3-day soak wasn't bad, but I wimped out during the Brazilian wax tie-breaker challenge."

Best of Silhouette
Let me guess. He's making chewy nut brownies, chewy pecan squares, and chewy oatmeal raisin cookies.

Yes, I said chewy nut brownies. What of it?

Best of Whacko
"I'm a little teapot short and --- damn it! I'm a giant fur ball!"

Best of GregMan
"Dammit, where's the arugula?! How do you expect me to make breakfast without any arugula!?!"

So Wrong in So Many Ways



1. eHarmony FAIL!

2. "Actually, dad, it's not the Star Fleet uniform, it's the fake tits that freak me out."

3. "Yeah, dad, everybody at the convention is going to love your Orion slave girl costume. Um, we're going in a separate car."

4. "Well, we can still write in Dennis Kucinich."

5. "Grandma, tell that story again about how you tricked those numbnuts on the Enterprise into blowing up the crystalline entity."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Dad... you red-shirted Grandma?"

Best of Submariner
Wanna take a trip in the "worm-hole" Billy?

Best of Double the U
Like any other teenager young Billy rebelled against his mother.

Best of Pendark
Thanks to his mother's influence, at least dad didn't have to worry about Billy being one of those damned emo-gothic-vampire kids.

Best of Passionate Conservative
A House Divided.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Mom's stew gave me the Kessel runs for 12 parsecs."

Best of mpur
"Alright, I posed for your stupid picture. Now give me my social security check you pinched out of the mailbox!"

Best of Army of Mom
"Your thoughts dwell on your mother."
Wouldn't yours in this get up?

Monday, August 11, 2008

It's Good to be the President

Schneider


1. "I'll bring the waffle iron."

2. "Titty-twister! Titty-twister!"

3. "Hey, babe. Why don't you come back to the hotel and let me show ya my 'spike.'"

4. "Even with that wicked shoulder-melanoma, you're still hot."

5. "Spank me, Mr President! Spank me like you spanked Condoleezza Rice when she said we made thousands of mistakes in Iraq!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
...What happens in Beijing, gets transmitted instantaneously around the world on the internet...

Best of curly
Want to practice some backcourt stuffing after the match?

Best of curly
Who did your tattoo? A confused, artistically challenged kindergartner homeschooled in black liberation theology?

Best of Jack Reacher
While Goofus made speeches to pay off his sizable legal bills, Gallant partied with the hotties.

Best of Rodney Dill
I'll say if its in or out... I'm the decider.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"Do you wax?"
"I'm the President. Of course I wax."

How Many Bushes in this Picture?

Schneider

1. "I just had a little Chinese girl an hour ago and I'm horny again."

2. "Mrs Bush and I have an 'understanding'..."

3. "... In Tijuana, they refer to it as 'The Night of the Sodomizing Cougar Man.' But Cheney just calls it 'Last Thursday.'"

4. "Well, I am a cowboy, and I brought some rubbers. Close enough?"

5. "Amazon Women make snoo-snoo?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I've been reaching across the aisle, picking up good ideas from the Democrats. So, who wants to be set for life as mother of my love-child?"

Best of Chrees
"I gotta say this is much better than kissing Putin's ass yet again."

Best of mpur
You know, I've gone almost 8 years without a sex scandal. Whaddya say we go out with a bang, huh?

Best of robert
You know, I was just tellin' Edwards that I don't need to sneak around some hotel in Vegas lookin' for a foursome. Y'all are too scrawny for Clinton but you're sho-nuff fine in my book.

Best of mega
Edwards, failing to understand normal human camaraderie, sent a handwritten note to Bush: "Hey, when you're done, can you send one of them up to my hotel room for sloppy seconds? I'm in my underwear, drunk, and ready to plant some DNA. Feed the poor! J.E."