Monday, June 30, 2008

It's MY Bus Now. Mine!

Timmeh!


1. NASA employees extend a "warm" welcome to Hussein Obama's campaign bus upon learning about his plans to defund NASA to pay for Universal Daycare.

2. ♪♫ "The urine on the bus goes splash! splash! splash!..." ♪♫

3. "Hey! You guys! That's a bus, not Paris Hilton!"

4. Why New Yorkers should never become astronauts.

5. Um, guys... you could have just left a Service Comment at the Greyhound website.

Best of curly
“My pecker’s completely numb. I don’t feel noways tires.”

Best of curly
“The flag’s over here, you idiots!”

Best of Silhouette
Astronaut urine superior to Armor All? Next on Mythbusters...

Best of The Man
Ok break's over, back to the soundstage to continue filming the upcoming manned landing on Mars.

Best of mpur
The search for alternative fuels continues.

Best of Army of Mom
And, then, the bitch drives across country wearing a diaper and going after my girl.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"What do you mean, that's not the radiator?????

Best of Submariner
"Bene Geserit Express" my butt...

Best of prince of leaves
Suddenly, over their headseats comes a shout of "PEEEENIS!" from the giggling capcom.
[what, you guys never went to summer camp?]

Best of prince of leaves
"Stop it, Pavel! I cannot pee while you whistle theme to 'I Dream of Jeannie'!"

Best of sonicfrog
Dave Mathews is touring again?

Office Space



1. All computers in the B&D department were confiscated after one employee was caught captioning during business hours.

2. "We don't need none of yer fancy computers!" the McCain campaign insisted.

3. Hell.

4. After 22 loyal years of service, Doreen gets a case of the Mondays, digs a .357 Magnum out of her purse, and lets the slaughter begin.

5. One desk, one phone, one piece of paper, one pencil, one line of coke. What else did you need in the seventies?

Best of Double the U
"Hello, welcome to the United States Government, my name is Michael how can I help you? ... Let me see if I can find that for you. Nope, none of my records here show that. Let me transfer you to the next desk." ... "Hello, welcome to the United States Government, my name is Cindy how can I help you? ... Let me see if I can find that for you. Nope, none of my records here show that. Let me transfer you to the next desk."...

Best of M
As Vanda, sat in the back row of the call center, she waited….she watched…….and she thought to her self “some day I will move all of this to my lair in Bangalore, and then the world will bow to me!”

Best of Submariner
Phil sometimes had trouble finding a place for new arrivals in Heck.

Best of Silhouette
Even the Death Star had an HR department.

Best of Silhouette
Monday mornings were always slow for everyone at 1-900-XXX-babes, except for Gary.

Best of Chrees
The only reason disco, Jimmy Carter, and Dallas actually appealed to anyone.

Best of curly
Work halted at the Department Of Hope and Change after Obama through all of the computers under the bus.

Best of curly
“Department of Redundancy Department tech support, can I help you, assist you, facilitate you, attend to your needs, advise you, provide counsel, guide you, mentor you, rescue you, or otherwise save, embolden, encourage, hearten, benefit, favor, profit, or serve you?”

Best of attmay
Since no one wants another live action Garfield movie, how about a live action Dilbert instead? Anyone? Anyone?

Best of Jack Reacher
Just then Marsha--3rd from the end, left row--hit upon a brilliant, simple, perfect plan for world peace. Unfortunately, before she could tell anyone, the earth was destroyed to make way for an interstellar hyperspace bypass.

Best of Two Dogs
After a long hard day at work, the cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show relaxed in unusual ways.

Best of R. Bateman
And this, Mr. Anderson is where we process your memories, each day dialing into your soul and controlling your every thought and action within the matrix. Hehe...just kidding. Welcome to Mastercard.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

"God made you special. Because there aren't very many little girls out there that have a penis."



1. ".... Well, there's you and Hillary Clinton. That's pretty much it."

2. "I'm six years old, I'm in complete denial of reality, and I demand that you cater to it... naturally, I'm a liberal Democrat."

3. "Hormones in the drinking water from too many flushed birth control pills? Now, come on, Billy, you know that's just an urban legend."

4. "Good news, Billy! We found a pair of child-size leather chaps at Barney Frank's yard sale. You'll be able to attend Folsom Street Fair after all!!"

5. Billy's parents thought his "transgender" fixation was cute right up until the moment it evolved into an Electra complex.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Honey, Miss Liebowitz is here for your photo shoot. Strip down and throw a sheet on."

Best of mpur
Introducing the Democrat Party presidential nominee of 2048.

Best of prince of leaves
Caption from the Future: Authorities today announced a shocking motive in the brutal slayings of the Jennings family by one of their own children...

Best of attmay
Yeah, I'd look embarrassed too if my parents forced me to wear such dreary earth tones. The 70s are over!

Here I Sit All Broken-Hearted...


1. "See! The Bushitler Torture Regime's Death Cubicles can barely accommodate my wide stance."

2. easyJet's new passenger lounges left something to be desired.

3. "And you will stay in Camp Jeremiah Wright until you recant your heresies against the Obamassiah!"

4. "I don't mind the chains and shackles, but I wish they'd get rid of that damn trumpet player."

5. Mel Gibson was shocked to find himself in prison. "I thought 'sugar tits' was a compliment!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Larry Craig, why have you forsaken me.

Best of The Man
It's amazing what $2,500 a month in rent will get you in the East Village these days.

Best of mega
Aiden tried to look "miserable" and "tortured", but the truth was, this room was a vast improvement on living in his mom's unfinished basement.

Best of Jack Reacher
While the weather was an improvement, all in all Dave wished he hadn't been caught smoking in Mayor Bloomberg's New York.

Best of the doyle
The Headless Horseman was finally captured and thrown into Gitmo for terrorizing Sleepy Hollow.

Best of Chewman
The latest way the NFL found to ensure players make it to game day.

Best of robert
New Kohler ad where a house is built around a stainless steel toilet-sink combo.

Best of Chrees
Speaking truth to power. Or maybe just gibberish to a wanking audience.

Best of attmay
I begged him to wear a condom! I BEGGED him! I wonder who else he's infected.

Best of Submariner
I'm sorry about Mr. Miyagi, but I just couldn't take one more "Daniel-san - wax on; wax off!"

Best of GregMan
What really happened to the kid who wouldn't get off Senator McCain's lawn.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Pigs Taking Up Space

Sondra k

1. Whoa! I thought 'Animal Farm's' depiction of communists was supposed to be metaphorical.

2. Many shaheeds are surprised to reach paradise and discover their 72 virgins aren't exactly halal.

3. Yeah, living downriver from the Hormel processing plant has led to some, um, side effects.

4. MSNBC may be coming up short in its search for comunista anchor-babes to compete with FoxNews, but they still haven't come up with anything as hideous as Nancy Grace.

5. The DNC delegates lived to regret the gypsy's curse about 'their true selves' being exposed for all to see. Next time, they would tip better.

Best of lorelei4mc
The side of the family Miss Piggy doesn't like to talk about.

Best of The Man
80's metal band Winger realized they looked stupid, but the prosthetics really amped up their ability to snort massive amounts of coke.

Best of prince of leaves
Goldie Hawn really needs to lay off the plastic surgery. Oh, and the cloning, too.

Best of Gagdad Bob
A still from the new Iranian production of Fiddler on the Roof.

Best of Silhouette
Daughters of "Green Acres" star Eva Gabor tell us that their mother never shared the name of their father, but hinted he was also a star of the show.

Best of Silhouette
The sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Middle-aged Disco Cowboy Pigs.

Best of Adjustah
Hey, nobody told me that Twisted Sister was getting back together?!

Best of Steve O
Habib al Hussein wishes he had checked the small print regarding those 72 virgins before hitting the detonator.

Best of curly
Today is Sen. Barbara Mikulski Day at the Maryland State Fair; look like Mikulski and get yer ass in free – make the taxpayers pay for it.

Best of Submariner
Your multiple prom dates are here, you sick (intercourse)...

Panda Monium

Dwight Wannabe


1. Ironically, the pandas all looked alike to the Chinese zookeeper.

2. ORA: Another batch of Lovey Bears is prepared for their visit to the Bear "Hospital."

3. Scientists and veterinarians are still baffled by the outbreak of 'Panda Butt Rash' at the Enumclaw zoo, which followed closely a visit by Andrew Sullivan and Ben Affleck, and the mysterious appearance of an inflatable rubber cowboy in the zoo's kitchen area.

4. I guess they're cute, but if you really want them to be entertaining, starve 'em for a few days then lock two of them in a cage with razor-sharp meat hooks attached to their paws.

5. "Would you guys stop laying around chewing bamboo leaves! The sick (intercourses) want to see action!"


Wicked Best of curly
Half black, half white, lazy and worshipped around the clock by the media. But enough about Obama, how ‘bout them pandas?

Best of Rodney Dill
... and eating bamboo fronds has been found to be especially beneficial to their digestive tract -- With fronds like these who needs enemas.

Boooo! Booooo!

Best of mpur
ORA: Another day at the Sexual Harassment Panda training camp.

Best of Chrees
Eat up boys...that way it won't hurt as much when Obama throws you under the bus.

Best of Dwight Wannabe
"It hadda happen soonah latah. Some ash-ho order Shity Wok Panda wif Broccaree."

Best of Nose
Yo, Ling-Ling, check it out. I've got wood!

Best of curly
What’s black and white and red all over? Eight Enumclaw pandas slathered down with SEX TARTS Cherry Flavored Lubricant For Lovers.

Best of The Man
Chinese for "sesame chicken"

Best of mega
Eight more "unregistered voters", as located by Democratic field operatives. Unsurprisingly, all eight of their write-in votes were for Obama.

Best of sonicfrog
So now they've got a Panda Polygamy cult... Those crazy Mormons!!!

Best of Adjustah
Ted Nugent's personal chef picks out the evening meal...

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Splatter Me With Your Hot Manly Captions


1. "And at the end of the day, I was covered in bruises and spatter. But, enough about my date with Hillary..."

2. Paintball is a lot like a night a titty bar: You can have fun, and you can avoid spending a lot of money... but not both.

3. Paintball terms that sound dirty but aren't: auto-cocker.

4. Good news, she's used to guys splattering stuff in her hair.

5. You know you play too much paintball when your grandmother trips and breaks her hip while you point, laugh, and call her a n00b.

Best of GregMan
I knew this would happen after SCOTUS struck down the D.C. gun ban. In my pants.

Best of The Man
I've got a Tippman...in my pants

Best of Gagdad Bob
No, idiot, I said bring me the SWAT team.

Best of curly
In her coarse [intercourse] language, she demanded that I cover the paintball area’s inner course [intercourse] before we would even discuss the possibilities of having intercourse [intercourse].

Best of Son Of The Godfather
As my man-parts began to swell
I met my fate by orbital gel.

Best of Dr. Hardcrab
I shot me a camel with this gun and I got one of it's toes to proove it!!!

Best of Chrees
I know what you're thinking. "Did she fire 200 shots or only 199?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Dangerous Power G3, the most powerful paintball gun in the world, and would blow your shorts clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Best of Chewman
The selector switch says semi, auto, and who needs a man!

Best of mpur
Now we know what Scalia was considering when he wrote the majority opinion on Heller.

Best of Army of Dad
She can charge my bottle any day.

Vixens of Silicone Valley


1. "Welcome to FoxNews coverage of Erection 08. (Giggle) All right, whose been f--king with the TelePlompter."

2. "Oh, Hill, while you were out I hired a couple of new... um.. butlers, yeah, that's it, butlers for the house in Chappaqua."

3. Despite the carefully designed uniforms and logo, "Stuck-up blond Bitches" failed to erode "Hooters" dominant market share.

4. Sonicfrog was a little disappointed when he got to the Afterlife, but at least they had pretty decent buffalo wings.

5. "Ah, we should have known anyone calling himself 'Submariner' would never be at half-mast."

Best of mega
The nationwide Sexy Babes For Barak campaign closed the deal once and for all, leaving McCain with approximately 10 supporters, all living in hospice homes.

Best of Jack Reacher
"No, they're not real, but they are spectacular."

Best of Chrees
ORA: Despite destroying society with her boobs, Bebe turned out all right.

Best of curly
Stock symbol SbB up 2.5% today…Hey gals, how much to wear t-shirts with stock logos from my portfolio? I’m getting my a$$ kicked!

Best of Army of Dad
Two more girls who don't know why guys can't look them in the eye.

Best of Jay Guevara
Barack Obama: "Those are not the tits I knew...unfortunately."

Best of prince of leaves
The RNC finally does something right: recruiting on-stage signers for their convention from Twin Cities deaf-mute gentlemen's club "Silent But Breasty".

Best of Jay Guevara
Let's see, let me try out my new glasses on this photo of Hillary and Nancy Pelosi...

Damn, I got one hell of an optometrist!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

She's B-a-a-a-a-ck!



1. Too dumb to run a cafeteria and too dumb to take their clothes for the orgy, thank goddess.

2. "Mikulski is one of our weaker, uglier senators. Let her suckle from your breasts of power."

3. Every Senate Democrat loved "Ecstasy Day."

4. "Haruk ptui!" Right in the ear!

5. Chuck Schumer's reputation as a babe magnet was seriously over-rated.

Best of The Man
Ok Hillary, that will take your debt down by about $1,500 an hour. Take it or leave it.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Let me feel around back here to find where the Dems stuck the knife in. Ah! Got it!"

Best of Silhouette
It's allegorical. Major Dems embark on actions that may be for show or may please them, but either way, they always crush the little people.

Best of mpur
Mikulski: They're real and they're, well, nevermind.

Best of Ricky Raccoon
Yes. Universal Healthcare would have paid for my pantsuitectomy.

Best of R. Bateman
Look...she's getting squeezed by three old saggy boobs!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Reprising her 4th grade role in Little Red Riding Hood, Barbara inhales the heady fumes of cheap polyester and mumbles to the big bad wolf, "My, what big boobs you have!"

Best of ochagirl
Woman in the middle: "Well, my therapist is going to eat well for the next few months."

She's Ba-a-a-a-a-ck!

NRO
1. Hillary unhinges her lower jaw and prepares to feed on the latest crop of interns.

2. "An inflatable rubber cowboy? Aw, you guys are the best interns ever!"

3. Hilldog had been wearing the same pantsuit ever since she learned Scrubs was canceled. It was time for an intervention.

4. "... a fat lip, a black eye, or the keys to the White House. Cackle"

5. "I feel great! You should see the sweet deal Chris Dodd got me on the mortgage for Chappaqua!"

Wicked Best of Jack Reacher
Although Hollywood had expressed interest in a sequel, when studios learned Clinton's screenplay was titled "Twenty Seven Pantsuits" their enthusiasm faded.

Best of Rodney Dill
...anyway I was only joking about wanting to be President...
Hahahahahahaha ( .... continued should of nervous faux laughter for an extended period of time)

Best of GregMan
"Just wait until Obama's chauffer turns the ignition key! Then we'll see who the nominee is! AH HA HA HAAA!!!"


Best of Jack Reacher
"...and then I said 'Come on, Foster, you can do it. It'll be a walk in the park.' Bwahahahahahaha!"

Best of curly
Blue pantsuit: $75. Six pints ‘blood of a virgin’: $700. Using Harry Reid’s nuts as ping pong balls: priceless.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Wait - you got his grandmother on tape saying she told him that his ears would stick out if he didn't stop playing with himself? I love it! Revive the campaign!"

Best of mpur
And now, my pretties, you shall all pay for my failed campaign!

Best of R. Bateman
And while Batman is busy saving the people from the bomb, I'll release the supervirus into the bay contaminating the whole water supply...BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Best of Chrees
"And then I cold-cocked that air whore and made her give me the whole can of Coke. Ah, sweet memories...I never get tired of telling that one..."

Stool Sample

Frank IBC


1. "I swear to Allah, Sullivan, if you ask to 'push in my stool' one more time, the bus is gonna be goin' over a big, fat, English-fairy speed-bump."

2. "Demand for my farts has grown exponentially, hence the larger tubes."

3. Shouldn't there be a tall, conical hat on his head? I mean, in addition to the pipes coming out of his ass?

4. ♫ "People... people who need people... are the luckiest people I know..." ♫

5. "I have an inflatable rubber cowboy. We do it on the stove."

Instantly promoted best of Gagdad Bob
"And I'm the same person today, except back then I had the pipe in my mouth and talked out of my ass."

Best of R. Bateman
And, hey, if you babes need yet another reason to revere me as your god...I'm serious...it's this long.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The secret's out... in preparation for every speechifying event, Bamarama has to be plugged into hot air ductwork and overinflated to the recommended DNC hyperbole psi. Balance is still a serious problem, though; he always pulls to the left once he gets rolling on the open stage.

Best of metalgarth
Carl's Poetry Readings never really caught on at Moe's Tavern

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Yes, my tie is caught in my fly... Next question?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"My sincerest hope is that this election won't be about race... And I'm speaking directly to the honkies out there..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Ideally, the bong should be about this wide."

Best of mpur
"And then Scarlett wrote: 'I want to rub my alabaster breasts against your Mandingo chest', and that was when Michelle found my email archive."

Best of Adjustah
IM IN UR FREEZER EATIN UR JELLO PUDDIN POPS DIDDLY DOO BOP DOP BEEBOP...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Ben Affleck at His Ben Affleckiest

Timmah!
1. "Ha-ha! Chris Hansen will never find me behind all these firm, ripe chocolaty buttocks."

2. "It called 'frottage,' some Algerian kid with man-boobs taught me about it."

3. Ben Affleck killed and eaten by a tribe of pygmies? It's like Hollywood is seeing right into my dreams!

4. "More squirming! Dammit Kwame, I demand more squirming!"

5. Spike Lee remakes The Wizard of Oz, with all-Black munchkins and Ben Affleck, unsurprisingly, as Dorothy.

Best of duke of red
Boys singing: "We're f**king Ben Affleck....."

Best of Silhouette
Camouflage fail.

Best of attmay
Diff'rent Strokes: The Movie, starring Ben Affleck as Philip Drummond. Coming this holiday season to a theater near you for reasons beyond human comprehension.

Best of Double the U
Ben Affleck went to their African village and told them that he was a very famous and talented entertainer from America. The tribe didn't know any better.

Best of Adjustah
The boys were thrilled when the crazy, white stranger agreed to help them test their catapult...

Best of shoechick
I CAN HAZ OREO??

Best of curly
Sally Struthers has really let herself go.

Best of mega
Obama's cabinet was young and multicultural, but frankly, would have lacked credibility without at least one rich white guy.

They Are Real, And They're Spectacular


1. "Your moobs have ignited a fetwah... in my pants."

2. "Tell me, Habib, have you ever heard of the game "Tiger and Hyena?"

3. CW's new multi-cultural teen drama Dawson's Jihad.

4. "It's called frottage. My kaffir friend Andrew introduced me to it."

5. "Sorry Hassan, I'm just not in the mood. If only I could remember where I left that stupid blue backpack packed with plastique and the roofing nails..."

Best of The Man
Abdul was welcomed to paradise with 42 annoying virgins. Apparently Allah is running low.

Best of Double the U
"Seventy-two my friend, seventy-two. All there for your pleasure my friend. My friend you have been sitting next to these two all afternoon and gotten no where. You could have seventy-two willing virgins." The bomber agent tries his latest pitch.

Best of Jack Reacher
"When I get to Paradise, I hope you're one of my virgins, Ahmad. I'm just sayin'."

Best of Jack Reacher
Fatima always got a laugh listening to recordings of September 11 news broadcasts, but Ahmed couldn't enjoy them when Hassan was massaging his clavicles.

Best of jeff
"This is hysterical - Hussein did a George Carlin/al Sadr mashup!"

Best of Chrees
"Who is this Barbie Girl they sing of, and why is it her world?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
iSplode

Best of Rodney Dill
Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, its always about Mohammed.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Speaking of Social Debris



1. A Berkeley Cop issues an on-the-spot burning permit to an eager anti-war protester.

2. Ironically, the penalty for being a commie douchebag is community service.

3. "No, I do not want to go back to your place and 'rough you up a little.'"

4. "No, they don't serve vegan meals in jail, soy-f**ker."

5. "Look, you hippie douche, just because you're wearing an Obama button doesn't mean you get to ask 'Why the man has to keep a brother down.'"

Best of Passionate Conservative
Sooo, are you good cop, bad cop, or really bad cop?

Best of prince of leaves
After ten years in the SFPD, Officer Michaels just shrugged it off. Even crowd control at a "Anal Fisters Against The War" protest was just another ordinary workday.

Best of prince of leaves
Bitter Charlie Sheen thought bubble: "Jeez, I can't even get arrested around here. Well, not unless I grab a cop's ass, like Bea Arthur here..."

Best of jeff
"Okay, that was a tofu and bean paste croissant with organic lettuce, a bag of Miss Vicki's Jalapeno potato chips, and a strawberry Jones Soda."

Best of jeff
"Yes sir, I'd like an 8x10 glossy, 4 5x7s, and 20 wallets - can you have them here before tomorrow's protest?"

Best of Chrees
"Sir, I don't care if dissent is the highest form of patriotism. If it isn't one of the 652 scheduled protests, you have to wear pants."

Best of Mr. Right
"Hey, everybody! This fascist tool of oppression stole the Obamessiah's new bike helmet! Let's kick his ass!"

Or This One


1. OK, I was wrong, there is someone whiter than Glenn Beck.

2. Another benefit of the spend-daylight-hours-passed-out-in-your-basement-from-heroin lifestyle: Reduced skin cancer risk.

3. Well, Hussein, here's where *one* of the white women was at.

4. A skinny white blond girl getting out of the back of a car without wiping her mouth... that *is* unusual.

5. Alice Cooper has really let himself go.

Best of Chrees
Parasitism: (noun) a type of symbiotic relationship between organisms of different species in which one, the parasite, benefits from a prolonged, close association with the other, the host, which is harmed.

Best of Tim
David Bowie off to another long day of work at the Guild of Calamitous intent.

Best of Jack Reacher
I don't care what anyone says; I think Joan Rivers looks good for her age.

Best of mega
Smells Like Old Whore

Best of Army of Dad
So this is the day that Skank Mondays started.

Blogger Army of Mom
Courtney takes the "Come as you Are" lyrics a little too seriously.

Blogger Gagdad Bob
In another cost-cutting move, the New York Times has combined the entertainment section with the obituary page.

Best of prince of leaves
Papparazzi snap a costumed and made-up Courtney Love on her way to the set of the upcoming "World War Z" film.

Blogger R. Bateman
I'm sorry baby, I tired, but there are just some things even (hic) Captain Morgan can't fix. I'll pay for your cab.

Best of Rockhauler
Macaulay Culkin arrives for the premier of his new movie. "Home Alone 3: Lost in San Francisco"

Blogger Veeshir
Zombie Nancy Reagan, cuz Zombie Reagan needs a first lady to share the braaaaaaaaaains with.

Blogger jeff
When you're a pirate whore, decomposition does add to the "smelly" part.

Blogger Son Of The Godfather
Courtney the Friendly Ghost

Blogger Son Of The Godfather
Obama: "Damnit, skeleton... GET BACK IN MY CLOSET!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The sun's set, Sarah Michelle Gellar's already been frisked for wooden stakes and you've got a nice fresh bottle of AB-negative chilling in that little fridge.It's safe to leave for the club, Courtney.

Haven't Made Fun of this Piece of Social Debris in a while.


1. Amy Winehouse achieved a new milestone this week when a People magazine poll voted her "Person People Would Least Like to See Naked," beating out John McCain, Michael Moore, and the Chinese Tumor Guy.

2. "Be out in a minute. I'm in here shooting smack with the guys who write Democrat foreign policy."

3. "For all those Vegas bookies taking odds on when I die, two words: Keith Richards."

4. Billy Ray took one look at this and told Mylie to "put your damn britches back on."

5. "Crystal meth? No thanks, but I'll take some ginger ale if you have any."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Actually, that is the Amy Winehoue I know," confirmed Senator Obama.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'll be with you in a second. I'm advising the Federal Reserve right now."

Best of Whacko
"I'm trying to prove that I'm immortal. Drugs, tobacco, and HIV infected tattoo needles can't kill me so I'll try self-amputation. Be out in a sec."

Best of Chrees
And at the intersection of Trainwreck Avenue and Downward Spiral Circle we find...

Best of mpur
It's sad day when you realize you miss the decorum and grace of Paris Hilton.

Best of mpur
All hail the Skank Queen!

Best of Army of Mom
Next on E's True Hollywood Story: Elvira, the crack years.

Best of Not Dwight
"Stay clean? Yeah right! And V the K will finally promote one of Dwight's captions to Best Of... status! Beyatch, puh-lease!"

Best of robert
Since money is tight, Michael Jackson has his sex-change, hairdo, and tattoos done in one appointment.

Best of robert
I'm so proud of my daughter, the slut. - Mitch Winehouse

Best of mega
The new series "Inked: Concentration Camp" was controversial but wildly popular.

Best of Steve O
Right. As if she's below the standards of any one of us retards.

Best of Adjustah
♫ Some crack, some meth', pass out while I singz...theeeese are a few of my favortite things... ♫

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Hope and Chains

Brender


1. In a desperate bid for one more tour, Spinal Tap converts to Islam. "Smell the Chains" is the album that results.

2. "I don't see bleeding!" Obama urges his supporters to flagellate harder.

3. The "Borg Assimilation" Special Effects in YouTube Star Trek Fan productions are especially pitiful.

4. Helen Thomas gets a facial.

5. How to speak Robot Pr0n: "Fluffer."

Best of Double the U
Doc, it hurts when I do this.

Best of Silhouette
Still looks less painful than the Epilady.

Best of The Man
Hold on, I think I see God...no that is my bleeding eyelids...

Best of mpur
No seriously, he was just cleaning it when it went off in face.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I'm Mr.Scary Chian-Face Man!... Now gimme someadat candy!"

Best of prince of leaves
After the photo appeared in the "Holiday" section of every paper in Iran, Mahmud's employers realized who had been stealing the company's paperclips.

Best of Chrees
The ultimate source of Rage Boy's anger--his bike chain was stolen.

Best of Dwight
The Dubai chapter of the Clay Aiken fan club imitates their hero. Unfortunately the Farsi translation of the word "balls" is a bit tricky.

Zombie Madeleine Albright Craves Children's Brains

Timmah!

1. "I'm sensing a lot of tension in your shoulders. Were you recently raped by UN Peacekeepers?"

2. As Congress adjourned, Nancy Pelosi secured a $400,000 earmark to erect a statue in honor of Margaret Sanger's efforts to keep the non-white races down.

3. "Don't be silly, Kwame. There is no such thing as albino lesbian child rapists."

4. "And you say these white middle-aged she-devils can rip through a child's flesh like wet toilet paper?"

5. "Mommy, help! I'm being massaged by some weird Dr. Who alien!"

Best of sonicfrog
Apparently, Andrew Lloyd Weber's new musical is base on the Freudian interpretation of Barrack Obama's inner child.

Best of attmay
Funny, when I was a kid I also had nightmares about being kidnapped by Cloris Leachman.

Best of prince of leaves
Lotte's lesbian wife saved their adopted son Kwame from God's wrath, but herself turned to a pillar of salt when she inadvertently caught a glimpse of the upheavaling of San Franciso in the distance.

Best of mpur
So once the UN finally told her that 200 children was enough and prohibited her from adopting anymore, and aging Angelina Jolie is reduced to hiding in bushes and snatching kids from parks.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We Title This Artwork:
Leona Helmsley: That Wasn't A Tip Kid, I Want My Change.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Baby Obama: "This is not the albino nanny I knew..."

Best of Van Helsing
A chapter left out of BHO's autobiography:"Barack Hussein Obama, you give me back that hubcap!"

Best of Submariner
When and why did Miami erect the statue of Bea Arthur?

Best of Dwight
The photo on the cover of Michelle Obama's thesis: "Whitey Holds a Young Brothah Back."

Friday, June 20, 2008

Can't Sleep, Clown Will Eat Me


1. See, if I were really a sick (intercourse), I'd post the picture of the exit.

2. Not bad, but for real irony, they should have had a bunch of tiny cars coming out of him.

3. After modeling foreign policy after Winnie-the-Pooh, the Obama administration looked to another fanciful source in their approach to border security.

4. Arnold Schwarzeneggar's merchandising deal balanced his state's budget, and people eventually got used to the new name.

5. Licensing his name and image to Pennywise: Devourer of Souls paid for Krusty's new condo in Aspen.

Best of The Man
I've got my own Krustytown....in my pants.

Best of metalgarth
Amusement parks will never be the same once Carl becomes president

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Welcome to the Soylent Green Processing Plant.

Best of Double the U
This isn't the midway, this is where to get the Percocet.

Best of Passionate Conservative
There's a party in Krusty's mouth and everybody's coming!

Best of robert
Once the "Arbeit Macht Frei" sign was replaced, people began streaming into the Amerikorps re-education camps.

Best of sonicfrog
Dang it, I missed another Yearly KOS!!!!

Best of Adjustah
I didn't know that Gary Busey had opened up a theme park?!

Best of R. Bateman
The California office of the DNC updates the image of their headquarters to project their plan of appealing to the new voter.

Redneck High School Graduation Photo

Timmah!Timmah!

1. They knew it was love when they met in the sixth grade, reaching for the same condom in the nurse's office.

2. "You'll get a smoother line in your jeans if you take the Skoal out of your back pocket, Lisa."

3. "I'm just confused about one thing, Jed. Will this baby be my sister or my cousin?"

4. Planned Parenthood looks at this picture and sees three missed opportunities for abortions.

5. Make fun all you want, but these two represent our best hope for out-breeding the Muslims.

Best of Adjustah
Happy Father's Day, Uncle Dad!

Best of The Man
Redneck Genesis: Bubba and Bobby Sue lived in the garden of Eden until Bobby Sue bit into the forbidden Moon Pie and Bubba drank from the fountain of RC Cola.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Honey, maybe you should lay off the beer for awhile..."

Best of Chrees
Mrs. Spears realized she had put off having "the talk" with her children way too long.

Best of Chrees
"Let's have our picture taken for the baby since you won't be out of prison for another 20 years."

Best of mpur
Bubba and Jolene Blurmt of Sodomy Creek, Tennesee are pleased to announce the engagement of their daughter Debbie Sue Patty Ann Blurmt to Bubba Damien Blurmt, Jr. also of Sodomy Creek.

Best of robert
Twink. Meet skank.

Best of prince of leaves
Um, sweetie? If your "boyfriend" has a richer tan, bigger earrings, less body hair, and a more expensive hairdo than you, you might want to think twice about your relationship. Especially if he borrows your lipstick.

Best of attmay
"Rejected Romance Novel Covers", now available at bookstores everywhere from Cap This! Press.

Best of mpur
Derek thought it was a pretty sweet deal letting Doreen practice on him for her beautician's license in exchange for sex, but then, then the chickens came home to roost.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

You're on your own



Because, like the guy who pumped septic tanks for a living, I've got a lot of sh-t to do...

1. "Mr. Polanski, I'm ready for my close-up."

2. Kate's flashbacks on Lost got really creepy once Joss Whedon took over.

3. "So, Tooth Fairy, that's just a nickname, right?"

Best of Dwight
Hannah Montana's sister, "Jailbait Jersey."

Best of Gagdad Bob
In a horrible nightmare, Andrew Sullivan's Barbie doll collection came to life.

Best of mpur
Oddly enough, I have this outfit. Of course, it belongs to my toddler.

Best of R. Bateman
There are some birthday gifts that just send the wrong message to your stepdaughter.

Best of dub
I had no idea I was a pedophile...until today.

Best of Chewman
The after pic from Joe's sex change came out really good!

Best of curly
Enumclaw motto: “Underage girls -- the other other white meat”.

Best of attmay
The CW's bringing back 90210, so now the Playboy Channel's bringing back Punky Brewster.

Best of mklasing
After taking too much heat, Disney changes there ad by replacing the mouse pjs with naked angels.

Welcome to California


Best of Passionate Conservative
Salmon!. I tell you the taste is definitely Salmon!

Best of dub
I picked a bad day to run out of Jergens.

Best of curly
Won’t they be surprised to see all of the beer cans tied to their Harleys!

Best of Army of Dad
With nose rings clicking and lesbians kissing...these are a few of my favorite things

Best of Army of Dad
I guess Jadzia Dax still had some traits left over from Curzon.

Best of curly
"We're registered at Home Depot, Harley Davidson, and TurkeyBasters.Com."

Best of curly
Chelsea Clinton’s new book, “Dreams of My Mother”, held few surprises.

Best of Nose
C'mon honey, lets go home - lickety split.



Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Du Werdest Eine Krankenschwester Braunchen!


1. "So, this is where the white women be at."

2. "I see you've admitted Chris Matthews. I guess that 'tingling in his legs' turned out to be the first signs of a massive stroke."

3. "Well, Hussein, I 'hoped' you were qualified to 'change' a patient's bed-pan, but you couldn't even manage that. Now, get a janitor to clean up the mess you made."

4. ORA: "MPS means 'member of the preferred sex,' that one stumped John Edwards, too."

5. "But this just says 'All work and no play make Barack a dull boy' over and over again... and 'boy' is spelled wrong."

Best of Nose
Yes sir, I looked at your resume. I don't know what "Community organizer" is.

Best of Double the U
I don't care who you are, and I don't care if you were running for President of the universe, two plus two is not 643.

Best of Jack Reacher
"That's not a bad drawing of Timmy the Turtle, but I still don't think you're art school material."

Best of Tim
Community organizer? Umm no that's not a real job Sir.

Best of Chrees
"I'm happy to see you brought The Pet Goat to read to the children...it's one of their favorites."

Best of Chewman
Hey Miss.... I like big butts and I can not lie

Best of The Man
Yep, I just cured cancer with this printout and a paper clip.

Best of The Man
Sorry Mr. Obama, I don't care who you are. You cannot sign-up McCain for Hospice no matter how old he is.

Best of Jay Guevara
"This is not the piece of paper I knew."

Best of mpur
So what is this "HMO"? Is that a discriminatory designation?

Best of Jay Guevara
"Do I have to write my middle name here? Couldn't I just put my middle initial?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Can I leave the part about 'communicable diseases' blank for now?"

Best of R. Bateman
Obama pre-screens his choices for fat intern under the desk.

Best of Rodney Dill
Oh yes, you can get your GED before the election.

Best of dickey swollenz
Is this the list of skanks on their period in the Democratic Party that are fatter, and older than you?

Best of Jay Guevara
"See here where my birth certificate says I'm Muslim? Well, gimme that White-Out. Get it? White-out! I kill me!"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

You May Now Kiss The, Um, Guy Who Receives


1. "OMG! Lemmiwinks is escaping!"

2. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" "I'm not just sure, I'm HIV positive."

3. "Whatever happened to Beavis and Butthead? Next on A&E's You Didn't Really Want to Know."

4. "We're registered at Saks, Target, and Leather Bondage Torture Palace. Hint: We don't need a toaster."

5. Joe's reaction to learning Frank has booked their honeymoon in Enumclaw.

Best of Nose
Next, we're going to adopt a little boy we met at a McCain rally!

Best of champaignken
What do you mean this is another dude? What the hell was I drinking last night?

Best of curly
“By the power vested in me by our simply fabulous Mayor ‘Any-Twosome’ Newsom, I now pronounce you responsible for the Democrats losing in November. You may insert the butt plug.”

Best of curly
“If anyone knows a reason why these two twinks should not be pronounced Pitcher and Catcher, please tap your toes now. Otherwise, please hold your feet still.”

Best of Silhouette
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What's this about poorer? And till WHAT do we part?!"

Best of jeff
"Um Joe, my adjustable butt plug just went from 'minimum' to 'maximum.'"

Best of metalgarth
He made the same look 12 seconds after the marriage was consummated

Best of Adjustah
"I know! FINALLY Gay marriage is legal and THAT is what the priest is wearing???"

Best of Gagdad Bob
Just get me to the crotch on time!

Best of Red Neckerson
Joe thought it was just butterflies irritating his bowels until he remembered where his missing Fist-O-Matic was.....

I Hope You've Had Lunch Already


1. Rosie O'Donnell's casting couch.

2. Michael Moore kisses his wife good-bye and for the forklift to take him to the Democrat National Convention.

3. Jabba-the-Hutt arrives in California to marry long-time companion George Stephanopoulos.

4. Ang Lee's remake of Single White Female, with Rosie O'Donnell in the Bidget Fonda role and a more upbeat ending.

5. Ethanol is the number one reason for skyrocketing global corn prices. Michael Moore's newfound passion for Cool Ranch Doritos is the other one.

Best of GregMan
The World's Fattest Man meets the World's Most Desparate Woman. Romance ensues.

Best of GregMan
I CAN HAS 1,263,445 CHEEZBURGERZ???

Best of Tim
failing to wipe your mouth after dinner can lead to unwanted attention in the Moore household

Best of Chrees
I'm guessing a few too many bacon bras were consumed...

Best of Jack Reacher
Sharon didn't realize the danger she was in until the very moment his jaw unhinged.

Best of Van Helsing
First Michael Moore tried to eat her in little nibbles. Then he lost patience and bit off her head.

Best of prince of leaves
In the final scene of "Lost", Hurley uses his award fee from Oceanic to buy Ben a sex change and himself a haircut and gastric bypass.

Best of mega
To Nora, Adam Gadahn would always be the sexiest man alive.

Best of Steve O
For some reason, they can only make out at low-tide.

Best of Tim
In the future clones like this will produce enough skin for an entire burn ward

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Yeah, Basic Instict III ain't working for me.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Oh the huge manatee!"

Best of Army of Mom
Susan gives Dan a congratulatory kiss after he gets his own zip code.

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Never before seen footage of Bender's wild time as a human is released. Futurama's ratings plummet.

Bush's Jammies

Brender

1. Bush's first job after his administration, 'Love Guru.'

2. "You chinks are awesome. I wish we had an open border with you, too."

3. The effective use of camouflage illustrated. Right (l). Wrong (r).

4. The Chinese Foreign Minister's plan to recreate the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover failed when the rest of the world boycotted.

5. "Seriousry, you tell Mrs. Crinton we want our money back!"

Best of The Man
It's an honor to finally meet you General Tso. I love your chicken.

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and we had some Tibetan flags lying around, so we made these nifty jackets out of them."
"Cool."

Best of mega
Oceana and Eastasia declare peace. There had never been a time when they weren't at peace. The enemy is Eurasia, as it always has been.

Best of mpur
Promotional still from Rush Hour VI

Best of mklasing
"That Hu is a damn low-talker. I didn't know I was agreeing to wear this puffy shirt."

Best of Van Helsing
W: "At least I got the blue one. Red Chinese ladies' jackets are for sissies."

Best of prince of leaves
Bush Thought Bubble: "Damn, seein' spots. Have I been drinkin' agin?"

Best of Steve O
A change of clothes we can believe it.

Best of Chrees
The thoughts of several dozen '60s psychedelia band members--"I have that outfit!"

Best of Army of Mom
I didn't realize Larry King was so short, Bush thought.

Best of mpur
Bush: I really admire the Asian culture and their respect for tradition. And now for a long-standing tradition in my family...let me just jam my finger down my throat...

Best of Army of Dad
Nights in chink satin.

Convenient Home Fish Delivery

Brender

1. God had to punish Springfield for Troy McClure's sick, sick fetish.

2. "Hobbittses wants their fishies, yes-s-s-s-s-s-s."

3. Rick mistakenly thought Obama wanted him clinging to cod.

4. A typo accidentally results in Andrew Sullivan make a Google search for bass-masters.

5. "But Mr. Bush... I thought you liked us white folks!"

Best of GregMan
"Dang it, my wife left me, my dog done run off, the farm is flooded, and here I am, left holding the fish."

Best of GregMan
"This dang ennui just won't loose it's hold on me."

Best of Rodney Dill
Karpe Carp

Best of Chrees
Cleetus knew if that damn fish sang "Take Me to the River" one more time he was going to snap

Best of mklasing
Unfortunately, the idiots on the New Orleans City Council took the "Chocolate City" comment literally and flooded the city with Hershey's syrup.

Best of sonicfrog
It's Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Fish Act... he he!

Best of prince of leaves
In Bizarro Iowa, Matt's spirits are lifted as Spike Lee and Sean Penn float in to rescue him, an act of noble charity which draws public attention to the nefarious Bushhitler conspiracy to blow up the Cedar Rapids levees and kill all the white people.

Best of sonicfrog
Hey, don't laugh. it was the only thing he could find to cover his enormous woody.

Best of GregMan
James Lileks looks on in disbelief as the Oak Island Water Feature malfunctions once again.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Not the Urkel that I Knew


1. August 18th. Fell off near Bovey Tracey. The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed.

2. Bill swerved at the last minute. Fortunately, Hillary got him with the door.

3. The hose connected under the seat collects the Obamessiah's flatulence, which is then sold to his followers, who believe breathing it can cure them of leprosy, erectile dysfunction, and hepatitis C.

4. FG ORA: Gumbel 2 Gumbel returns July 11th with all new episodes, only on TNT.

5. An eager young missionary from the Church of Latter Day Black Communists begins his first day of proselytizing.

Best of curly
“My racist Granny got wrapped around the axle.” His bus made inoperable by all of his old friends thrown under it, Obama is forced to campaign by bicycle.

Best of curly
“Michelle wouldn’t give me the car keys. She’s pissed about something.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
E.T. was enjoying the ride from the safety of the basket... that is until he too was thrown under a bus.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Without the training wheels, it looks like he's bitterly clinging to those handlebars.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I just had a strange vision of Chris Matthews sniffing a bicycle seat.

Best of champaignken
I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!

Best of mklasing
Another rare shot of Obama riding around searching for the 57th State.

Best of mpur
Farcical

Best of prince of leaves
...Then suddenly, Charles Johnson zips by on his road bike at 50mph, checking Obama with an outthrust elbow and sending him head-over-ass into traffic.

Best of mpur
The government invented bicycles to make black men look dorky.

Best of mandible claw
Of all the Obamessiah's miracles, the most impressive of all was making Dukakis look less dorky in comparison

Juan McChildfrightener


1. Jimmy always had a strong, adverse reaction to 'old man smell.'

2. Jimmy wished the smelly old man would go away so he could meet the 'giant turd sandwich' the Republicans were forcing his dad to vote for.

3. "So, let me get this straight. You passed McCain-Feingold to clean up Washington, but the congress is more corrupt than ever and you promise more of the same as president? Are the Republicans who nominated you brain-dead, evil, or just retarded?"

4. "Jimmy, you remind me of a little boy I knew back in 'Nam named Nguyen Lao. Then one day I napalmed his village and burned the skin off him and all his little gook friends, too. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

5. Jimmy finally understands the joke "What's invisible and smells like Ken-L Ration?'

Best of Adjustah
Jimmy wasn't sure what the old man's "personal stem-cell collection" was, but he was pretty sure that he didn't want any part of it...

Best of metalgarth
A young Anakin Skywalker meets Palpatine for the first time and realizes the Dark Side of the Force will get him lots more poontang than being a Jedi will.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Col. Tigh proves that Boomer's not the only skinjob that can reproduce.

Best of Van Helsing
McCain demonstrates his new policy of nipping prostate cancer in the bud with exams starting in grade school.

Best of mega
At first, McCain's choice of a child-VP seemed odd, but when it turned out that it gave the pair an average age of just 55, it suddenly made sense.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Didn't they get rid of this guy in Poltergeist II?
♫"God is in... His Holy temple..."♫

Best of curly
“McCain Findgold. McCain Spendgold. McCain now needs more gold.”

Best of mpur
ORA: Keep absolutely still... it's vision is based on movement.

Best of prince of leave
Captured on film: the moment when a secret service frisking verges into "bad touch".

Saturday, June 14, 2008

See ya later tailgater


1. "WILL WORK FOR ALL YOUR FOOD."

2. "And you will stay in the Re-Education Camp until you stop clinging to your guns and your so-called 'god.'"

3. "Mongo just pawn in game of life."

4. "So, dad, tell us again how you scored a perfect 1600 on your SATs."

5. "Well, at least now we know a pickup truck can't run on beer."

LOL Best of robert
Durn it - we ain't got all day! When is Maya Angelou going to begin recitin' her poetry?

Wicked Best of Rodney Dill
Yep kids, that's how pigs... and your daddy... do it.

Best of divine miss m
The U.S. Olympic Potato Chip Eating Team takes a breather between practice sessions.

Best of Jack Reacher
The anticipation is palpable as Boomer's family joins him in awaiting the tax "rebate" check.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Lookit that V the K," Homer spat, "presenting himself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian."

Best of Jay Guevara
Thought bubble: "Damn, I wish I could 'git 'er done."

Best of mega
The entire family had adopted Obama's gaze-off-into-the-half-distance stare, and couldn't snap out of it when the truck started moving. Many were injured.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
One major problem is keeping the components of the quantum computer in a coherent state, as the slightest interaction with the external world would cause the system to decohere. This effect causes the unitary character of quantum computational steps to be violated... Now get me mah beer."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Ahm tellin' y'all, the instructions on the orange juice said 'concentrate', now hush an' put on yer thinkin' caps..."

Best of ThatGayConservative
Larry shows how he's prepared to face off with Rosie O'Donnel in the Biggest Moobs Contest.

Best of prince of leaves
Clem and Lucy were one of a growing number of patriotic couples, determined that the demographic catastrophe brewing in Europe would not be repeated in America.

Best of prince of leaves
When they married, Clem and Lucy had the bodies of fashion models. Which they immediately buried in the crawlspace to prevent the neighbors from asking uncomfortable questions.

Best of Kaptain Krude
When they told me that their truck could really haul ass, I didn't think that they meant that literally.

Best of curly
While Speak No Evil and Smell No Evil were on task, Hear No Evil was hypnotized by Obama’s stump speech message of ‘hope’ and ‘change’.

Best of robert
Little Timmy, standing second from left, suddenly realizes that Clem, the man with tats and great masses of puffy flesh oozing from his sleeveless t-shirt, is his father.

Best of Mr. Right
"Gee, Earl, that guy just made left turn, then the other guy just made a left turn, then another left turn and another left turn. Did we really have to come to this stupid event?"

"Look, Nadine, I wanted to go to the NASCAR race, YOU were the one who insisted we come to the McCain/Obama debate instead!"

Here in my car, I feel safest of all...




1. "Billy, your old man has nothing to look forward to except years of child support payments and four years of McCain or Obama. If you have any mercy at all, you'll plop your fat a$$ on the hood and crush my skull."

2. Another custody weekend of watching "dad" get drunk and throw up on parked cars.

3. "No, Dad, I don't think that mohawk looks ridiculous on a 38 year old man at all. Hey? Is that a Sacajawea dollar on the engine block? Lean in closer. Closer..."

4. "Hey, dad. There's something I've been wanting to tell you. I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian. the pictures of tits and animals having sex on your blog reveal the deep sickness you truly possess and explain your desire to hide behind "faith" and "good deeds" to cover up what a sick f--k you really are. I just wanted you to know that."

5. "Speaking of 'junk in the trunk,' did you see what just waddled past behind us?"
Best of mpur
Mmm....subtle yet tempestuous bouquet, full-bodied...yes, this is definitely a '68.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"There's something different about it... I can't put my finger on it, but if we figure it out, we find Earth..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I pity the fool who fails to emulate Mr.T accurately.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Fan shroud's missin', Dad. That's why it sucked half your hair off."

Best of Jack Reacher
Safe practices include never wearing loose clothing while leaning over an engine. Fortunately, the clothing was loose on nobody in Clem's family.

Best of curly
“Dad, Sully already left, so you can quit your disgusting, toe-tapping, hairy ass crack and man boob showing, ‘Transformers/Megan Fox bent over the hood’ pose.”

Best of curly
“…‘Found On Road Dead’? How about ‘F***ed Over by Republicans and Democrats’?”

Best of curly
“So the Enumclaw Car Club members are only allowed to drive Mustangs, Broncos and Pintos?”

Best of prince of leaves
"NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" The Venus Redneck Trap feeds on another unsuspecting victim.

Best of Van Helsing
"What closely, son. This is how you save money by cutting your own hair with the engine fan."

Best of Artfldgr
See a man put his head in the engine compartment of a classic mustang car, here at redneck circus

Friday, June 13, 2008

This Ain't No Thursday



1. Mrs Satan lounges at home while her husband is out on the campaign trail.

2. "Hell Customer Service, How may I morally bankrupt you today?"

3. "Tee-hee, oh, Al Franken, you are one hilarious bastard. How can America possibly resist you?"

4. A young Hillary Clinton makes negotiates her terms. "And then, in 2008, I become the 'inevitable' Democratic nominee. Do we understand each other, Mr. Zebub?"

5. "Dennis Kucinich? I asked for an imp not a simp."

Wicked Best of curly
Obama remarks that ‘this is not the Satan that I knew’.

Best of Gagdad Bob
The devil wears gingham. Who knew?

Best of jeff
"Hee-haw, hee-haw, hee-haw!"

Best of Submariner
"...and I'm a-grinnin!"

Best of mpur
The real CEO of ExxonMobil

Best of R. Bateman
Her voice suddenly changed and I was filled with a sense of dread. "Oh, you will go out with me Johnny. And you will marry me. and we will have four kids. You will work for thirty years and leave me a fat insurance settlement when you get run over by the bus."
It was then, that I looked behind her and I knew.

Best of Cybrludite
Ah, so that's why Hillary did so well in places like West Virginia...

Best of Tim
An homage to frumpiness

Best of Jack Reacher
United Airlines unveils a fresh new look at its check-in counters.

Fan Mail



From some Anonymous (natch) troll:

one more thing V the Koward, I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian . the pictures of tits and animals having sex on your blog reveal the deep sickness you truly possess and explain your desire to hide behind "faith" and "good deeds" to cover up what a sick (intercourse) you really are.

My reaction:

Truth in Advertising


1. Finally! A T-Shirt that works for both campaigns!

2. "How can you tell I'm morally bankrupt? Well, I committed adultery with the the wife of one of my aides, I drink on the job, and I just fellated this microphone."

3. "Eliot Spitzer had a garage sale."

4. Democrat Superdelegates are now Closed-Captioned for the reality-impaired.

5. Well, he didn't make it past the first round of auditions at the DNC entertainment committee, but his tasteful pinky extension got him an invite to John Edwards's private suite.

So True Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I hereby convene the meeting of the United Nations Human Rights Council."

Best of Jack Reacher
I'm John Edwards, and I approved this message, especially the hot, hot messenger.

Best of Silhouette
For some reason, I don't trust the new bingo caller.

Best of Silhouette
"What's really funny is that I stole this shirt."

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I don't have this outfit, but I embody its slogan.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Another Battlestar Babe in Bondage


1. "Mrs Clinton, Xena was a fictional character... STOP SENDING FLOWERS!"

2. "Bike's ready, Mrs Clinton. Guess you're going to do your usual hang around drinking whisky with rednecks thing?"

3. "Damn you Sullivan! Bring back my leather chaps right this instant!"

4. "Frankly, Mrs Clinton, Starbuck's is bigger."

5. "I gotta give Mrs Clinton credit. She can't run a campaign for sh-t, but she can tune a Harley like nobody!"

Wicked Best of mega
"And, sadly, the loss of life here in Iowa from the tornado was devastating. Back to you, Shep."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
That is one sleek-looking machine... Nice bike, too.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Now there's something I could hop on and ride for hours...

Best of curly
“I personally believe that, uh, US Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some…people out there in our nation don’t have Harleys and, uh, I believe that are at a Prius dealership like such as in South Tennessee and the they Indiana everywhere like such as and.. I believe that they should, uh, our motorcycles over HERE! in the US should help the US or, or…or should help South Tennessee and should help Indiana and the Asian countries so we would be able to build up our motorcycle furniture for our chickens.”

Battlestar Babes in Bondage, Part I

Leather Armpit
1. Have I mentioned how much I like Newt Gingrich's "Drill Here, Drill Now" policy?

2. "I can't believe I shaved my pubes just to sunbathe in your driveway."

3. "If I had known we'd go through all this trouble to get to Earth just to find out our choice of leaders was McCain or Obama, I'd've eaten a bullet from my own gun back on New Caprica."

4. Ronald D. Moore wanted the Opening Titles of Battlestar Galactica to feature a man's hand holding out a leather glove for them to smell, but the network censors wouldn't go for it.

5, "Ever since we got to Earth, all Helo and Anders do is play World of Warcraft."

Best of sonicfrog
OK. She may or may not be a Cyclon, but one glimpse of the dill in that bikini proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Starbuck, after all is said and done, is not only a better pilot than all the guys on Galactica, but is more man than most of the dudes on that frakking ship.

Best of curly
Rejected by Client #9 for a redhead with ferrets, their girl Hillary knocked out by a Marxist from Chicago, and now just barely making the cut for “Hot Babe Thursday”: what’s to smile about?

Best of GregMan
Sadly, the refugee fleet from the Twelve Colonies found out about Earth fashions and mores by monitoring San Francisco television stations. Then the fleet landed in Utah.

Best of jeff
Once again, it's shown that sometimes, more clothes are sexier...
especially on Starbuck.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Finally!... Chains we can believe in!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Once Adama surrendered command, the morning briefings became more relaxed.

Best of Adjustah
"Hey, do you get the feeling that they wrote this particular scene just before the writer's strike?"

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Just In Case You're Feeling Goofy


1. After the operation, when his son Michael had been transformed into his daughter Inga, dad found that his state of arousal made the process of acceptance even more difficult. Mom just drank.

2. "For the last time, there are no subliminal messages on the Disney channel."

3. The greasy stranger thought he had the ideal pick-up line: "I'd sure hate to come between Mickey and Minnie... or would I?"

4. The photo Dick Cheney never wanted you to see.

5. If Grandma looks disappointed, it's only because she'd rather be back in the hotel drinking Coors with a greasy gigolo.

Best of Army of Mom
Disney's marketing department found a way to increase the park's appeal in the male 16-99 demographic.

Best of Army of Mom
Exhibit No. 453 of why mom and daughter matching outfits are a big no-no.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I can't tell if there's cheese somewhere nearby, or it's cold outside

Best of Chrees
Not pictured: Dad's Dumbo shorts.

Best of mpur
Mouseketeats!

Best of mpur
M-I-C-K-E-Y...
Why? For the love of God, WHY?
Best of Steve O
It's a medium-sized world after all.

Best of mega
Now if only this pic wasn't taken at a funeral...

Best of Rodney Dill
The one on the left seems to have R.O.U.S.

Best of R. Bateman aka Pendark
Wow...look dad...they changed the magic mountain ride!

Best of Cybrludite
Here in New Orleans, we call this sort of thing "Sunday morning".

Lucky Little Weasels


1. "Who needs a man?" another in a long series.

2. Sweater puppies got nothing on lacy blouse ferrets.

3. Programming Note. This week only, Hot Chick Thursday will be preceded by 'Butterface Wednesday.'

4. A pair of mammals and a pair of mammos.

5. Sorry, ma'am, but I think we've already done every possible variation on the the 'California Supreme Court legalizes inter-species polygamous marriage' caption.

Instantly promoted Best of SOTG:
Rikki-Tikki-TaTa's

Best of metalgarth
'Crabs' are a difficult venereal disease to spot with the naked eye, others can be much easier

Best of R. Bateman aka Pendark
Uhhhh....baby...that really isn't what I meant adding danger and excitement to our sex life.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
There are unforseen risks involved when wearing a bacon bra.

Best of Chrees
Related to vagina dentata is a lesser known cautionary tale...

Best of GregMan
While SpongeBob Squarepants was a big success, FerretBra GingerBabe was cancelled after the first episode.

Best of Army of Mom
After Gillian Anderson's PETA ad, ferrett sales skyrocketed at pet stores nationwide.

Best of curly
Nothings funnier to watch than an Arkansas mammogram.

Best of Artfldgr
Thanks to the efforts of environmentalists the black foot ferrets now have free range of the hills and valleys of their habitat and have come back from the edge of extinction.

Best of Steve O
Sarah would just be another coed except for the attack ferrets she had surgically grafted to her chest.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

WTF?

Melllvar... I mean, Timmeh!


1. The little boy from May 20th grew up to be a gigolo, servicing the AARP delegation to the DNC convention. This came as a surprise to no one.

2. A typical delegation to the Denver convention just realize who they've nominated for president of the United States. Suddenly, there aren't enough booze and drugs in the whole wide world. A similar scene would be repeated at the RNC convention, but with even tackier clothing.

3. The annual meeting of the John Tesh Fan Club drew record attendance.

4. In 2023, the B-52's gathered for their final reunion tour.

5. Entertaining at the Sun City Senior Center and being paid with a six-pack of warm Coors was one of many career lows for Denny Terrio.

Wicked Best of Gagdad Bob
CBS rejected Tennessee Williams' early draft of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Best of The Man
Obama worried about attracting white voters who didn't go to college, so far his outreach program to 134 trailer parks has been a resounding success.

Best of Double the U
"Look it buddy, you wanted the nastiest, wildest most experienced hookers I could find. I got them, now give me my finders fee." said V the K to the guy as he drank his beer.

Best of mpur
Wow. And I thought my family reunions sucked.

Best of shoechick
Suck it up Grandma, we still have the Yaegermeister shots lined up and a 12 pack of Bud on ice in the bathroom.

Best of Tim
A very 1975 Christmas

Best of Jack Reacher
A rare look inside a meeting of the Federal Reserve.

Best of jeff
"Hi, I'm a gigolo. And I don't make nearly enough to deal with this stuff."

Best of mega
Kurt still hadn't drawn the connection between his outfits and the kinds of women he was meeting.

Best of Silhouette
The moment he broke the news that he was gay, Grandma puked, Ma went for the gin, but Cousin Denny just winked.

Best of robert
Election night, 1976. Cronkite says Carter wins. Granny holds a cold can of beer to her head and pukes.

Best of curly
I told you not to:
a. eat the tomatoes from Mexico.
b. borrow one of McCain’s Depends.
c. get emotional involved in the election.
d. do a Vulcan Mind Link with a can of RockStar.

Best of trigger girlie
Bubba has learnt the hard way that he has to sacrifice quality for quantity when it came to paying for hookers with foodstamps.

Best of trigger girlie
Everyone pretended like nothing has happened and tried to drown hidden emotional trauma in alcohol after Grandma Betsy's re-enactment of Sharon Stone's "Basic Instinct" moment

Best of Army of Mom
Larry couldn't stop the binge drinking after he misplaced his pet rock.


Drag Racing

Divine Miss M

1. Like most gay decathloners, Lance was hoping for a "come from behind" victory.

2. Traditionally, the loser claws the winner's eyes out.

3. San Francisco got the Olympic Games in 2020. Human civilization collapsed a week later.

4. Long after it was too late, the side effects of Ritalin were finally understood.

5. The Gay Community found an innovative way to settle the 'Cher vs Britney' debate.

Best of Chrees
NASCAR attempts to branch out with "alternative" races. Pictured are Kasey Gayne and Kyle "Shaved" Bush. Kimmie Johnson and C&nt Bowyer were healthy.. .ummmm, scratches.

Best of mpur
Cindy McCain and Michelle Obama decide to settle the whole first lady thing once and for all.

Best of Rodney Dill
Edmund was nearly disqualified, but the incident with the sheep was reduced to just following too close.

Best of Double the U
So easy, even a caveman in drag can do it.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Aesop's New Fables: The Tortoise and the Whore

Best of shoechick
Leave it to a blonde to run a race with fishnet thigh highs on. I guess most blondes are used to their pantyhose ending up around their ankles.

Best of Silhouette
Standard cap #12: I don't know what it is, but I bet it is on Fox.

Best of GregMan
The remake of Chariots Of Fire by Ang Lee immediately won the Palm D'or at Cannes.

Best of Adjustah
This turned out to be the end of Slater and Screech's friendship.

Best of mega
Dee Snider's workout regimen was about to pay off, big time, and everyone knew it.

Best of R. Bateman aka Pendark
It took a while to catch on, but after a few bugs were worked out, Disney's Race of the Fairies became a popular family attraction.

Best of curly
Johnny been into drag racing ever since he ran out of the closet.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Hopey McChange Loves It When Balls Are In His Face

Ja Creature

1. Standard Cap #4,038 "Swing your partner, dosey do, Amerikkka has got to go..."

2. "... and then get me some french fried taters, mmmm-hrrrmmmmmm." Hussein thought he was hiring James Carville for campaign advice, but it turned out to be the retard from Slingblade. No one in the campaign or the MSM seemed to notice.

3. "Derrrr... me like hope and change and stuff... derrrr...." Hussein was just a bit lost without his TelePrompter.

4. "These microphones smell worse than Gavin Newsom's ass... or, exactly the same, come to think of it."

5. "Hey, Michelle, I found your marital aid!"

Wicked Best of Jack Reacher
..dat ol' man river,
he just keeps rollin' a----long...

Best of Rodney Dill
...and I live in a donor paid for mansion, down by the river.

Best of Army of Dad
I would like to thank all of you for coming, I know how hard it is to get here from all 57 states with gas prices like this.

Best of duke of red
"Jaqueline Morris, COME ON DOOOWWWWNNNN!!!"

Best of Silhouette
He was just playing around with the sound system, but suddenly, the dad of every boy named Luke looked at their wives with suspicion.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Pardon me while I whip this out."
C'mon, you guys are slipping!

Best of Two Dogs
While Barry was practicing his Sammy Davis Jr. impression to sucker in the Jews, the pistol flew clean out of his hand.
(Yes, I know that no one will get that one, but the hatred is blinding me.)

Best of Jack Reacher
"On behalf of Dawn, I'm proud to announce the opening of the 4,327th Old Navy Store! Cut the ribbon, please!"

Best of Chrees
"These are not the microphones I knew!"

Best of sonicfrog
Well, if his technique is actually as good as it looks, he's got my vote!!!!

Best of prince of leaves
Obama won the Creative Belching Forum's annual contest with his breathtaking burp-recitation of the entire "Communist Manifesto".

Best of R. Bateman aka Pendark
And while The Bat Man is busy trying to save the people from the bomb, I'll release the Super virus into the bay, contaminating the entire water supply!

Best of Adjustah
"How did I get here? Seriously, I have no idea..."

Best of mega
Though it seemed like overkill, the truth is that Lightworkers always get two mics. One to record the words, and the other to record the harmonic vibrations of the Lightworker's inner aura.