Crazee Pine Head Seeks Crazee Candee

Fred Miranda

1. Now we know why Wilson spent so much time peeping over the fence. Tim Allen's kids were teh hawt!

2. "Maybe these pine needles will cover up the smell of your rancid flatulence. Nope."

3. "Black socks with shorts? Excuse me while I hide my face in these sharp, stinging pine needles."

4. Traumatized by the encounter, the young Vulcan would go on to become a very strict, very confused librarian.

5. A creepy pervert asks Billy if he needs help with his 'putz.'

Best of Chrees
"Dude, camouflage is not going to help you get it through the windmill."

Best of Double the U
The hardest hole on the mini-putt-putt course was the headless golfer hole.

Best of Submariner
What you talkin' 'bout, Sulu?

Best of mklasing
Suddenly Timmy was attacked by a crazy one-armed pine-headed man with a wrist band fetish.

Best of mega
A strange mutuation had left his whole family feeling "right" in trees, and, I don't know, off-balance or just weird or something on land. And, sure, Kostner was interested in the idea.

Best of prince of leaves
"Conifer? Damn near killed 'er!"

Best of prince of leaves
After a detention spent with mouth- and throat-cancer amputees, young Timmy vows never to use Skoal again as long as he lives.

Best of curly
“Let’s go to the 19th Hole afterwards and try to pick up on some Entwives.”

Best of Rodney Dill
"No Timmy, I said Ash Borer."

Best of mpur
Uhm, dude, your left cone is hanging out.

Lush

Sondra K

1. A desperate Bill Clinton is reduced to using roofies on his own wife.

2. "Thanks, k.d. lang... that strap-on was just what I needed."

3. "Hey, Ted, I'm totally loaded. Let me fly this bitch!"

4. "The only men I need in my life are Jim Beam and Captain Morgan."

5. "And then I cold-cocked that air whore and made her give me the whole can of Coke. Ah, sweet memories..."
Best of Gagdad Bob
"This is the first time I've ever been drunk on something other than power."

Best of curly
After a little liquid courage, Hillary is ready for the sniper fire.

Best of Jack Reacher
Paul's idea to super-glue Hillary's hand to the overhead rack to keep her vertical, while expedient, failed to consider the concept of bathroom breaks.

Best of mpur
Ok, her emotion chip is malfunctioning again. Let me just find the on/off switch here.....

Best of mpur
I can't believe the little bitch dumped me for some dweeb named Weiner. Get me another friggin' drink!

Best of prince of leaves
Symbolic of her flagging campaign, Hillary feels irresistably drawn towards the Exit door.

Best of attmay
"Ted Kennedy is dying. Someone's gotta drink all that unused Congressional hooch."

Best of Steve O
Stay back Scotty! It needs salt!

Best of Double the U
More proof that Charlie Sheen is a sex addict as he goes after Mrs. Clinton.

Best of Kaptain Krude
No wait, a women is like a beer. They taste good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one. But you can't stop at just one woman....so I said, if you want the money, you have to come and get it, 'cause I don't know where it is you phony... you make me wanna wretch."

Best of Seoulman (R)
"I'm sorry Sentator Clinton, you will have to come with us. There have been complaints from ... well just about everyone.

You Didn't Thneed to See This

Divine Miss M

1. Attack of the Mutant Spiders that Knit Your Face to Your Laptop, another craptacular Sci-Fi original movie.

2. Americans come up with ever more creative ways to isolate themselves from the reality that either John McCain or Barack Obama will be the next president.

3. A San Francisco resident has found the means to maximize her enjoyment of the smell of her own farts.

4. 8:47 PM, August 12, 2012... the Trapper Keeper Ultra Keeper Futura S 2000 becomes self-aware.

5. Wouldn't it be easier to just look at pr0n in the privacy of your own bedroom?

Best of Rodney Dill
The Venetian Geek Trap would fool its victims by appearing as common clothing before engulfing them whole.

Best of Steve O
Although Sock-Head Girl's powers weren't well understood, she was always taken on missions where the heroes might get their feet wet.

Best of Submariner
The male version also encapsulates the hips and has slightly different positioning for the hand holes...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"This virtual-meeting of the Xenophobe Society is called to order."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Unable to pull Sarah from her marathon World of Warcraft session, Grandma simply decides to "knit around" her.

Best of curly
"I wish I could knit chew": when your knitting fetish becomes a literal hunger for the yarny stuff.

Best of curly
Back from a two week internet free vacation, Curly's daughter tries to remember how to type into her laptop.

Best of curly
Extreme foreskin envy – next on Oprah!

Best of Gagdad Bob
For liberals who don't have time to bury their heads in the sand, you can now practice auto-deception in the privacy of your own home by pulling the wool over your own eyes!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I don't want you a-holes to steal my best captions."

Best of Dwight Wannabe
The Isla Fischer signature sweater-bong gives Tommy Chong's Peruvian One-hit skullsmoker a serious run for its money.

Best of mpur
ET emails home.

Best of attmay
Once Rachael Ray realized that the Kaffiyeh was a symbol of Palestinian terrorism, she tried something else. Then she decided to just stop accessorizing altogether.

Best of mega
"Don't be too approachable," the dating guide said. Karen took the advice to heart, and on Day 35 was seen here still waiting for Mr Right to show up.

Things That Rhyme with Queef

Best of Son Of The Godfather
While staring at this pic, I count approximately seven thought crimes I've just committed... Twelve if I lived in Utah.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The title of this picture could also be used for the group photo of Pelosi, Reid, and Dean: Perfect Asses.

Best of Submariner
Army of Mom said once that nothing was more romantic than a good sunset at the beach. I, for one, would argue that a triple moon rise is better.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Remember when you were young, and you just wanted to hop on a train to see where it took you?

Best of Gagdad Bob
I'm in heaven, glancing cheek to cheek.

Best of mega
Tanya smiled when she finally got the go-ahead signal to push the two tramps overboard.

Best of Rodney Dill
Reef Watch is so much better than Bay Watch

Best of Passionate Conservative
Does this thong make my ass look big? It doesn't? Damn, I was going for the J-Lo look

Best of Army of Dad
Wow, there have been some real improvements in smelly pirate hookers.

Best of Submariner
Aaargh, I beached me dinghy on the reefs, aaargh.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble." Shakespeare gets updated for modern times. Sales skyrocket.

And When I Get Really Nervous, I smell my pits like this

Best of Submariner
Know why she looks like that? I don't mean to brag, but I was just below the frame.

Best of mpur
Linda auditions for the role of Otto in the remake of "A Fish Called Wanda"

Best of mega
Pam had seen so many romance novel covers that she automatically affected a windswept-ecstacy look no matter where she was, even when it was completely inappropriate.

Best of Army of Dad
This Thursday is brought to you by the color yellow.

Best of Seoulman (R)
when I think about you I smell myself

Best of Seoulman (R)
Following the example of Coke and Pepsi clothing, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter entered the fashion industry.

Best of Army of Mom
When Army of Dad said he was having some yellowtail on the barbie for lunch, I didn't think he meant he was eating Barbie the yellowtail.

Nuthin Says Luvvin...

Timmeh!

1. Hollywood power couple Stephen Root and Tina Yothers relax in their Malibu home.

2. (Sigh) Looks like another Republican congressman is gonna have to retire.

3. The plaintiffs in the next California Supreme Court Marriage Case feel good about their chances.

4. "So, anyway, the UN peacekeepers passed through town about six months ago..."

5. "And the only way to punish you for my sin is to kill that thing that's growing in your belly."

Best of metalgarth
And on the next Arrested Development: Tobias gains 50 lbs and knocks up Egg. I mean Ann

Best of Jack Reacher
Shelley wonders why Errol always seems so nervous when they watch "America's Most Wanted."

Best of Army of Dad
This was the last photo taken before he showed her the new "nursery" in the basement.

Best of attmay
Her dad tried to conceal his farts. He failed. Tracy tried to conceal her disgust. She failed. How they both detested family photo night.

Best of mandible claw
His gun and the good book banned by the Obama government, typical white person Earl made it through the day by clinging to Mary-Jo's bingo wings.

Best of Submariner
So; ya wanna see the ass-ta -oid that fell thru our livin' room ceilin' do ya?

Best of Chrees
Queer eye for the "keep your damn pants zipped up" guy.

Best of Cybrludite
No, that ain't Celtic knotwork. That's our family tree.

Best of Army of Mom
Mandy refused to let her pregnancy stand in the way of her dance recital.

Best of Steve O
Sorry Jed, I just don't think duct tape is going to keep it from coming out.

Another 47F

Brender

1. "Never gonna give you up/Never gonna let you down..."

2. Another group of converts accept Barack Obama as their personal savior.

3. A flood strikes the tiny African state of Jemimaland.

4. Unfortunately, Ibenezer African Methodist Episcopal Church chose to have their baptism downstream from the Bob Evans rendering plant.

5. The horrible day Rosie O'Donnell stopped retaining water.

Best of mandible claw
Leaked synopsis for upcoming HBO special "Recount 2: Levee": Chief of public works attempts to carry out Nagin's revival plan for city, but the flood of chocolate mixes with arsenic-laced water, creating a race of radioactive chocolate zombies.

Best of Rodney Dill
Soylent Chocolate is made out of Black People!

Best of The Man
Tonight on the season finale of "How it's Made": Chocolate Milk.

Best of Jack Reacher
When he achieved fame and fortune, the Tidy Bowl Man forgot his humble upbringing, and left behind those who worked so hard to raise him in the absence of his own mother.

Best of Silhouette
"Calgon, you mutha-f------, take me away!"

Best of mklasing
Casting a demon possessed woman as "Florida Evans" in "The Good Times Movie" turned out to be a terrible mistake when she summoned the flood of Satan during filming.

Best of mpur
Disneyland Ethiopia's water ride.Still way better than EuroDisney.

Best of attmay
WARE IZ MAH BUKKIT?

Best of Submariner
♪ Ol' black water, keep on rollin' ♪

Best of Double the U
Rain drops keep falling on the undead

ORA Title: Young Cabaret Voltaire Fans

Van Helsing

1. You might be a redneck if...

2. So is "Flygbussarna" the noise the kid on the right is making, or did the company get their name from a verification word?

3. "Flygbussarna: The Gas that Makes You Puke Rainbows."

4. "Hey, Ma, Look what we learned from those Mexican Boy Scouts!"

5. There was always something a little strange about the Cheney sisters.

Best of Jack Reacher
Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres, the early years.

Best of Sihouette
Billy vowed that the next robot friend that he built would be solar powered.

Best of Double the U
GASOLINE IS PEOPLE!

Best of mandible claw
On the left is a child who seems to be in charge. She seems to be sort of screwing her counterpart on the right, but not in a good way; And she's also clearly got no idea how energy policy should be run.

/The above is an equally accurate description of both the photograph and a Hillary presidency.

Best of metalgarth
Putting "Beano" to the ultimate test

Best of jeff
Darwin Award Contest: Now in progress.

Best of attmay
"I'm gonna win that fart lighting contest if it kills me!"

Best of Rodney Dill
F*ck me Pumps

Best of Submariner
Poor fuel efficiency in Fembot v1.0 was eliminated in v1.7 and later models.

Gay Mexican Boy Scouts celebrate the passage of the McCain-Edwards Amnesty bill.

1. "California, Here we come!"

2. A confused and senile John McCain gives Amnesty to illegal immigrant fudge-packers because "The candy industry needs workers!"

3. Andrew Sullivan was delighted when Amnesty passed. There was a 'job' no American had been willing to do for him for years.

4. The new scoutmasters came with personal recommendations from Barney Frank, Larry Craig, and Arnold Schwarzeneggar. What could possibly go wrong?

5. Apparently, there has been a miscommunication regarding the pronunciation of the word 'Webelo.'"

Best of Army of Dad
The Gay Scouts are all doing super, thanks for asking.

Best of Army of Mom
Menudo meets the Village People

Best of Chrees
Lobbying for "the love that dare not have its own merit badge."

Best of Silhouette
"Be Prepared" suddenly sounds like a double entendre.

Best of GregMan
On the plus side, the campground had never been more tastefully decorated.

Best of racerboy
Excuse us, kind Sir, would you know a good place to get our crepe pans seasoned?

Best of Seoulman (R)
On the down side, my scoutmaster says I am his slave, the plus side - I get a merit badge in leatherwork.

Best of Submariner
Say what you want, but OUR Polygamy cult doesn't have to worry about what to do with the children...

Best of mandible claw
Underage, illegal and fabulous: A polling-booth's-eye-view on election day in a Democratic precinct.

Isn't There Any Way They Could Both Lose?

Army of Mom/ (AssPress Photo/Dennis Cook)

Best of Jack Reacher
"Thanks for the invitation to your church, Barry. It really opened my eyes. Now I gotta run to hold hearings on the CIA creating AIDS to decimate the black community."

Best of mega
The real "Dream Ticket" held a quiet, intimate meeting to discuss post-Hillary strategy and argue who would be on top.

Best of Gagdad Bob
"Thanks Obama. You've made this happy man very old."

Best of Robert
Hillary Clinton's most effective ad yet.

Best of Passionate Conservative
"There, there, it's just a man and a horse being hung..."

Best of Army of Mom
BO: Tell me, Old Man, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Mc: No, but I once did the jitterbug with Greta Garbo. Does that count?

Best of Army of Mom
Stop me if you've heard this one before. An oreo and a rhino walk into Congress ...

Best of Rodney Dill
Old age and treachery overcome youth and skill.

Best of metalgarth
An awkward moment ensues after Mr. Burns says "grab Smithers and Lenny and make it a foursome" and Carl doesn't realize it was just for friendly game of golf.

Best of Seoulman (R)
It's called Scope, they sell it everywhere. Get with the program


Match the phrase with the politician:

1. "I can't wait to destroy the Republican party."

2. "I hated the Bush tax cuts, but man, my wife made out like a bandit."

3. "13,000 scientists signed a petition doubting Global Warming? Damn oil company stooges."

4. "Hey, you're right. Hillary would be a *brilliant* Supreme Court pick."

5. "Why don't we cut a deal and pass some extremely liberal legislation."

6. "I say screw the working class. If they want to work in tomorrow's economy, they can damn well learn to live 35 to a house and speak Mexican."

7. "I guess I can cross Ted Kennedy off my VP list."

8. "I would totally hate-f**k Ann Coulter."

9. "Justice Alito frightens me."

10. "Drill in ANWR? But what of Santa Claus and all the little elves?"

The Littlest Polygamist

Timmeh

1. In California, this is known as 'the next logical step.'

2. "I had to, I knocked all of 'em up."

3. No, I don't know what show this is, but I'm sure it's on Fox.

4. ... and he who walks behind the corn was pleased.

5. "Aw, crap, who invited Texas Child Protective Services?"

Best of Dwight Wannabe
No one told Skippy the degree to which keeping all those bitches in line would cut into his "Super Smash Brothers" time

Best of Jack Reacher
"Actually, Mister Photographer, can I just keep holding the hat here for a few minutes? Thanks, man."

Best of Silhouette
Prince Charming thoughts, "Who could have guessed that it was such a bloody popular size of shoe!"

Best of Seoulman (R)
Next on Fox, who wants to marry a pre-schooler

Best of Seoulman (R)
Like a dancer in a Madonna video, litte Stevie was surrounded by women and couldn't care less.

Best of prince of leaves
E-Harmony's new "Pre-Harmony" service was a big hit in the more remote sections of Utah, Texas, and Idaho.

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I have that outfit and that outfit and that outfit. Wait a darn minute ... didn't any of them talk about what they were wearing before pictures?

No Escape

Van Helsing

1. "Hey! Quit hoggin' the Suicide Booth! That jazz guy s-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-c-k-s!"

2. Larry Craig's invitation to "Meet me by the men's room, and I'll blow your horn" was badly misinterpreted.

3. George Michael was furious that the trumpeter was playing "Faith" without paying him royalties, but with his dick caught in the rest room door, there wasn't a thing he could do about it.

4. Paid for by a Nancy Pelosi earmark, San Francisco's "Afternoon Jazz at the Glory Hole" program enriched the city's artistic and cultural landscape.

5. A record turnout for "White Jazz in the Park."

Best of Rodney Dill
New Orleans Funeral Dirge... Fail

Best of Two Dogs
When Bill got pissed at Ted, he simply dropped him off at the Chuck Mangione Music Marathon.

Best of attmay
Jim not only killed a guy by the men's room, but then ran off and made "wah, wah, wah" sounds with his trumpet. The jury deliberation took 15 minutes before he got life without parole.

Best of Army of Mom
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

Best of mega
Rain, unemployed musicians, flannel shirts, and a nice warm place for drug addicts and teen prostitutes to hang. Uhm....Omaha? No, wait...uhm...

Best of Seoulman (R)
While playing a Sousa piece, Gary couldn't hear Big Jimmy screaming about "Little Jimmy" was stuck in the door

Best of Chrees
Tooting in stereo

Best of Van Helsing
Thanks to the tendency of the technotoilet doors to close on people's noses, he finally had a audience for his horn playing that couldn't run away.

That's One Big Frakkin' Dog

Brender

1. Imported dog food from China was recently discovered to have high levels of anabolic steroids.

2. "Nope, I don't know anything about any missing Jehovah Witnesses."

3. Andrew Sullivan found the slogan "Recommended by top breeders" to be "gobsmackingly homophobic."

4. Meredith Veira has achieved feminist nirvana no longer needs a man for anything. And I do mean anything

5. So far, the top bid on eBay is $4.50 a pound from Beijing Buffet

Very Brady Best of Steve O
Are you the gatekeeper?

Best of ochagirl
Upside: Mallory felt fairly safe from burglars.
Downside: She feared not waking up alive one morning when Fido had a bad day.

Best of mega
The neighbors had long ago gotten used to the "size issue", but at 2' 3", it was hard not to notice Karen when she took the dog out for a walk.


Best of Army of Dad
How nature says to leave her the hell alone.

Best of Chrees
Amy was able to retire thanks to the income provided from organic fertilizer companies.

Best of shoechick
I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER. NOW.

Best of Six Degrees of Blondness
Cujo discovers Prozac.

Best of Seoulman (R)
We thought he was burrying a bone, later we found grandma... Who's a good boy, who's a good boy

The Death of Tinkerbell

Steve King

1. "See this kidney stone? Now do you understand why Senator McCain is such an ill-tempered crank?"

2. "It's Hillary Clinton's soul, see how it still gives off a faint, hellish glow."

3. "And this is the exact amount of rock cocaine Obama smoked before he said Iran was no threat to us."

4. The casting of Kenny Rogers and Kathy Najimy in the latest sequel came as a surprise to those who thought the Alien franchise had already hit rock bottom long ago.

5. "Did you just hear a tiny voice say, 'Mork calling Orson, Come in, Orson?'"

Best of Foz
When one chicken loves another chicken very very much...

Best of Silhouette
When the obsessively anal-retentive decorate Easter eggs, next on Fox.

Best of Jack Reacher
The Baldwin brothers' brains are represented by this vessel. Stephen's is the inside, while Alec's brain is the hard--but thin and brittle--shell.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Jim Henson takes a closer look at the damage to Beaker's nose.

Best of Chrees
Professor stereotype #431. Next up...the bowtie.

Best of mpur
Green-n-Gay Development Corp of San Francisco unveils their latest innovation in solar powered sex toys.

Best of Van Helsing
"It made my other fingers melt, let's see if it works on my pinky..."

Best of mega
"Jeez, I am sooooo sick of old guys trying to pick me up with the 'look at my cool pteradactyl egg' line."

Best of Steve O
The world's most elaborate setup for "pull my finger."

Best of Double the U
The Dad from "Family Ties" never returned to television but walked around random locations rambling about his "egg" theory to strangers.

Best of Two Dogs
Willie Nelson and Melissa Ethridge find the "Rising Phoenix" amulet. Hooray peyote!

Best of Seoulman (R)
the unibomber's other brother, the uni-egger

O-Tay!

Conservative Belle

Best of Conservative Belle

• "This is how Obama showed me how to inhale."
• "Hillary told me that Bill was only THIS BIG."
• "Should I fling this booger at Danny Glover?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"... except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato - when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato's fresh, it's so perky!"

Best of The Man
The opening act of the DNC in Denver was a smashing success, a salute to the Democrat's favorite 'Wild and Crazy Guys.'

Best of Jack Reacher
"Just a pinch between your check and gum, comrade, and the coca leaf becomes your whole world."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Freakin' stubborn nose hair!"

Best of Steve O
Karoke night in the workers' paradise.

Best of Whacko
"And then we'll take Peru, Columbia, Equador, Chile and Bolivia, weeeeeagh!"

Best of Seoulman (R)
now that's a spicy meatball

Once Again, I'm Busy. Write Your Own Captions

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"My turn-ons include puppies, rainbows, and middle-aged, soft-in-the-middle perverted men who have nothing better to do than write captions all day."

Best of Jay Guevara
"This meeting of the One-Handed Typists Club is now called to order."

Best of ochagirl
Wedgie from hell.

Best of mega
"Foxnews brings you Election 2008. Our live coverage from the Kansas primaries continues now. Heather, what's the latest?"

Best of racerboy
"Little Horse had become a Himone, for which there ain't no English word... and he was a good 'un, too!"

Best of mandible claw
"How I wish someone would ride me bareback through this grassy meadow," sighed Silky Pony, toying absently with a lock of hair.

Best of Steve O
Woman with perfect ass told she has beautiful eyes.

Best of Army of Dad
The monitors at night glow big and bright *slap slap slap* deep in the heart of Texas!

Ooooh, that's nasty....

Best of Tremor
"What do you mean these aren't edible???"

Best of Citizen Grim
We warned you, Florida! We told you that your new "panty" ballots would probably lead to even more electoral confusion, but nooooo, you didn't listen!

Best of Army of Dad
Blonde zombies don't even try to eat brains.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Silky fabric, delicious curves; I must have that sofa!" exclaimed Sully.

Best of Army of Mom
Blonde dental floss

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Box lunch

Best of Son Of The Godfather
James Earl Jones voiceover: "In the Serengeti, nothing is wasted."

Best of J-Dub
I can has Furburger?

Best of mpur
Victoria's Secret takes customer service to a whole new level.


Best of Gagdad Bob
I was just, er, examining some of the compelling evidence presented before the California Supreme Court.

Best of ochagirl
CRUNCHES. UR DOIN IT WRONG.

Best of mega
Candace was really turned-on, at first. But four hours later, Amanda's underwear-chewing thing was starting to seem ... weird.

V marks the spot

Also Army of Mom/AssPress Photo/Ronald Zak

(Another Free For All. Here's some music to help it go down though.)

Best of attmay
The latest revival of "Cabaret" does what nobody thought possible: got straight guys interested in musical theater.

Best of Gagdad Bob
Spring fascism show.

Best of Double the U
Sure the beatings were rough, but somehow I enjoyed them.

Best of sonicfrog
Here's a sneak-peak at next years Superbowl halftime show under the Obama-Clinton FCC!

Best of mklasing
"Vini, Vidi"

Best of divine miss m
Cones and thongs are so last year.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Sex Nazis: "NO POON FOR YOU!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Finally, the New York Times releases the rest of the Abu Ghraib photos.

Best of Army of Mom
Psst Cheryl. Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling when wearing electrical tape and leather?

Best of mpur
Oddly enough, George Lucas' altering of the classic Star Wars scene March of the Storm Troopers was enthusiastically received by even the most purist of fans.

Best of Chrees
Unclear on the concept: tryouts for the new Village People.

Best of Chrees
Welcome to The Fetish Channel's newest show: Spanking with the Stars.

Best of prince of leaves
In an alternate universe where the Third Reich was victorious, Hitler emerges from suspended animation to find his advanced syphillis curable and his Herrenvolk having gone a bit astray.

Best of mega
The liberal fascists who came up with this show spotted an eight year old in the audience, and arrested themselves for exposing a minor to sexual content. Then they released themselves for violation of their own civil rights. Then they slept with the models.

Best of Steve O
I, for one, welcome our new overlords.

Best of Cybrludite
I had my doubts at first, but Ang Lee's remake of "V For Vendetta" isn't bad at all...

Embarassment

Army of Mom/ (AssPress Photo/Ronald Zak)

Best of divine miss m
"Those boots!" mused Cadet Weir..."Where do they get those fabulous boots?"

Best of Army of Mom
For the encore, the girls farted the the royal anthem "God Save the Queen."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The Brits have been there for America, and this American won't leave these Brits behind(s).

Best of GregMan
Once a few simple changes were made to the uniform, the military was allowed to open their recruiting office on Folsom Street.

Best of Silhouette
"Damn, did you all see the size of those moths?"

Best of mpur
Ha! And my friends said military school would suck!

Somethin' You Want to Tell us, Bert?

Brender

1. "Damn, check out the blue sequined shirt. That would look fabulous with these pumps!"

2. Dude, Memorial Day isn't for a whole nother week!!.

3. You have the right to remain fabulous!

4. One moment later, the fashion police officer wrote himself a ticket for wearing black socks with white pumps. He also roughed himself up a bit.

5. Helga hoped that by emphasizing her feminine side, she'd refute the stereotypes about lesbian state troopers.

Best of metalgarth
Security guards for the Folsom Street Fair take the job very seriously.

Best of Dwight Wannabe
And to think it started with a new Manalo Blahnik Taser.

Best of Nose
J. Edgar Hoover - the early years.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Officer Dangle was overjoyed at the new edition to the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If you don't obey the lawful order of the Berkeley P.D., they'll scratch your eyes out.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Krispy Kreme's new "Estrogen Doughnut" had curious side effects.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'll try 'em on, but I don't think they're gonna work for me. I have a pretty wide stance, you know."

Best of Jonathan
♪ "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Won't you be my, could you be my...?" ♪

Best of Rodney Dill
Oh, you meant pump action shotgun

The Littlest John Edwards Supporter

Timmeh

1, How nature says, "Please beat the crap out of me."

2. "Paging Dr. Spack! Paging Dr. Norman Spack."

3. "Gee, Dad, thanks for the football. Tell you what, for my next birthday, skip the gift and just buy yourself a clue instead."

4. A young Ryan Seacrest can't get over how fabulous he looks in his mom's imitation Liza Minelli blouse.

5. Subby, your prom date is here... and he brought Chris Hansen.

Best of Rodney Dill
After the new plastic surgery procedure Michael Jackson was again ready for public exposure.

Best of Conservative Belle
My dad can do a pirouette better than your dad can.

Best of metalgarth
And on the next Arrested Development: George Michael and Tobias find great bargains at Brian Boitano's yard sale.

Best of Whacko
"And the best part is that the sequins don't come off during a vigorous toilet bowl washing. Which happens. Way too often."

Best of The Man
Ted Kennedy thought his life would flash before his eyes when his time was near. However, instead his mind filled with images of a young Andrew Sullivan dancing the Samba at the Kennedy Compound.

Best of Jack Reacher
File this under Photos to go with the conversation that begins: "Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you."

Best of Double the U
The brides maids dresses for the first California gay marriage went over well with both partners.

Best of divine miss m
Spongebob Hotpants.

Best of mpur
Jedi Master Twink moments before a drunken Darth Vader jumped the garden wall and kicked his ass.

Best of Double the U
Obama health care... If you look fabulous, you must feel fabulous.

The Man in the Yellow Shirt Meets the Man with the Yellow Belly

Jack Bauer/AP Photo/Lauren Victoria Burke

1. It started with the flag lapel pin, but eventually, Hussein ditched all the accoutrement of white oppression, can you dig it?

2. Kerry: "Tiger Woods! It is such an honor! Did you know I served in Vietnam?"

3. Using a newspaper as camouflage, Hussein and Kerry find a more discreet way of exchanging long protein strings.

4. It's not "Ebony and Ivory" so much as "Caramel Latte and Decaying Corpse."

5. "That's all I hear all the f**kin' day. 'Can you score me some coke?' 'Can you score me some pot?' 'Can you score me some E?' Dammit, can't you white people find your own dealers?"

Wickeder Best of Gagdad Bob
"Can't I just greet my waffler?"

Wicked Best of prince of leaves
Reminded again of his abject failure as a presidential candidate, John Kerry looks little oyster knives of envy at Hussein.

Best of Jack Reacher
"You look lithe and lean. If someone threw a few medals over a fence, do you think you could climb over and get them for him?"

Best of Jack Reacher
Senators Kerry and Obama prepare for a briefing on classified intelligence by reading the New York Times.

Best of Chrees
"No, I haven't seen The Caine Mutiny. And why do you keep calling us 'Old Yellow Stain'?"

Best of The Man
"'scuse me while I whip this Wall St. Journal out"

Best of mpur
Dude, I told you to stay away from me when there are cameras around.

Best of mklasing
Senator Kerry played the ole' "yeah we have casual Fridays at the Senate" joke on the naive and gullible Obama.

Best of Army of Dad
"Sure you can have the Lifestyles section, but you might want to wait 15-20 minutes to let the bathroom clear out if you know what I mean."

Best of Army of Dad
"John, quick give me something smack that WASP with!"

Best of Seoulman (R)
What is a 5-letter word for a presidential candidate without a clue?

Best of Rodney Dill
Kerry: "Oprah endorses you huh? Is she as popular as Jane Fonda?"

God Schmod, I Want My Monkey-Man

1. Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat Meet the New Neighbor Who Showers With the Blinds Open.

2. Beau Bridges plays a paparazzi with a pet monkey who's constantly revealing his genitals in Double Exposure, new this fall on the CW!

3."Oh, yeah, baby, now take off the solar-powered bra... oh, yeah... oh yeah..."

4. The "Women I've Stalked" MySpace page is about to get an update.

5. The National Enquirer paid Gordon handsomely for his specialty: 'photos of celebrities splattered with feces.' His Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie series paid off his townhouse in Bel Air.

Best of Silhouette
"Getting the shot while a monkey pees on you" is the toughest and yet most rewarding exercise at Photog Camp.

Best of mega
Bruce Willis had plenty of money, so no one could understand why he didn't buy the camera with the removable monkey, which only cost a few hundred more bucks.

Best of GregMan
Good to see al-Reuters got that Fauxtography monkey off their back. Now he's on the camera lens.

Best of mpur
The paparazzi countered the attacks of celebrities by employing a creature with higher intelligence and more decorum.

Best of Army of Dad
Chim Chim the insult comedy monkey thought this camera was an excellent one...for him to poop on!

Best of Army of Dad
A camera with monkey auto-focus...only from the mind of Minolta.

Best of jeff
"Diapers, gotta remember to buy diapers."

A Woman With No Discernible Butt Visits the Post Office

Americana

1. "No, ma'am... it'll probably be another four to six weeks before we receive your ass. Should have used FedEx."

2. "Thing! This is my customer! Get back to your own damn window!

3. "You want to register to vote in the Democrat primary? I'll need to see some proof of citizenship. Ha ha! Just kidding! Scared you there for a second, though. "

4. "You're 'Bloody Mary?'"

5. "Watch your mouth, missy! You wouldn't want to see me disgruntled, would you?"

Make fun all you want, but this guy is way more likely to help you fix a flat tire than some a-hole with a COEXIST bumper-sticker

1. "Go ahead and quit me! You'll be back! You always come back!"

2. Elizabeth Edwards was surprised when John took a sudden interest in landscaping, and spent hours in the tool shed with the new gardener, emerging sweaty and shirtless. She was stunned when he began growing the mullet.

3. The Dukes of Brokeback Mountain 'Yeeeee-hah!' has a whole new meaning.

4. "White, uneducated, working class... I must have him," Hillary sighed.

5. "Why, yes! I do have a pretty mouth. Thank you for noticing. Thank you."


Best of mega
People were surprised when Clem voted for Obama, but the truth is, his passions in life were cars, guns, girls, and arugula.

Best of Rodney Dill
If'n you ever had a relative die right after saying, 'Bridge, we don't need no stinkin' bridge,' you just may be a redneck.

Best of mega
Billy's sudden realization that Foucault's view on human sexuality was in direct conflict with Kantian metaphysics left him unable to do anything but chew on a straw and stare off into space.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
What fish goes best with moonshine?

Best of Jack Reacher
Clem was actually over-dressed for his family reunion.

Best of Jack Reacher
What happens in Little Rock stays in Little Rock? Good.

Best of mega
"Lunch," thought the killer bear, hiding almost imperceptibly in the background, blending in perfectly with the trees.

Best of Jack Reacher
About this time the Duke boys realized they were canceled twenty years ago, and it was time to get a job.

Best of Rodney Dill
Obama gets his 40 acres and a mullet.

Best of attmay
"Maybe I had the wrong idea about Southerners being brain-dead, inbred hicks," thought Andrew Sullivan. "Some of them are hot, sexy brain dead, inbred hicks."

Best of Army of Mom
Wolverine's John Denver country album was not well received by music critics.

Best of Whacko
Abercrombie & Fitch take their ad campaign to Apalachia.

Best of duke of red
Sean William Scott has really let himself go.

Best of divine miss m
When your family tree looks more like a wreath.

So Close to a Thursday, Yet So Far From a Thursday

1. Lowliest job in McCain campaign, disposing of 'Oops, I Crapped My Pants.'

2. Pete Rose's daughter takes in laundry to pay off his gambling debts.

3. "WTF? Where did those Cheeto stains come from?"

4. "Hillary? How are you coming with the ironing?"

5. A moment later Bill Clinton sauntered up and asked, "Are you gonna eat that?"

6. Renee Zellweger is Daniel Dae Lewis in 'My Beautiful Launderette,' co-starring that Indian chick from 'The Office.'
Wicked Best of mega
Chris Matthew's personal secretary, at work after an unusually spirited speech in Ohio by Barack Obama.

Best of mklasing
After an 18-23 start, the Reds have had to resort to child labor to handle the team laundry. Thankfully, the team owner knew Kathie Lee Gifford's phone number.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Reds always appreciate fresh Lenin.

Best of Submariner
Thought bubble; "Candy cane skidmarks? No wonder the Mrs. doesn't want to do Santa's wash..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"No Sarah, you can't hold someone's 'deposit' for a sperm bank like that... I think you've just been punk'd ... or "spunk'd"... but I digress.

Best of Whacko
Folks from Ohio go on vacation with a $5 bill and one pair of undies and try to get through the week without changing either one.

Best of Seoulman (R)
The questions of " Hillary, boxers or briefs?" was finally solved

Best of Seoulman (R)
I hope that is mustard, tapioca and chocolate

Best of Jay Guevara
"Skid Marx."

Best of attmay
"Red striped boxer shorts with lime green socks? No thank you!" Cindy should have known better than to look for dates at the laundromat.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Crying? There is no crying in baseball!"

Everything's Gone Green

H/T About 25 people

1. A solar powered fembot? Um, you guys know these are intended to be used mostly indoors at night, right?

2. John McCain's 'Global Warming Dancers' failed to persuade anyone.

3. Japanese The Price Is Right has a really weird version of "Barker's Bargain Bar."

4. With the new Sharper Image 24-7 continuous cootie freshener, you'll never have that 'not-so-fresh' feeling again.

5. Leave it to the Japanese to make Islamic suicide belts compact and stylish.


Best of shoechick
Honey, when it starts to mold you might want to consider a shower or something.

Best of metalgarth
'Charlie's Green Lantern Core Angels', a Samuel L. Bronkowitz production, couldn't compete with Iron Man at the box office but still found a sizable following once released on DVD.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Arch Bond-villian Kermit the Frog, dispatches his Verde-Vixens to deal with his nemesis.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Norman, we're all wearing the same outfit... Please coordinate..."

Best of jeff
Beta-version Stepford Wives.

Best of Van Helsing
The ones to the sides are looking a little lifeless; they must not be getting enough direct sunlight.

Best of mklasing
"Might as well face it your addicted to Gore"

Thank God They Fired The Vulcan

1. After leaving Serenity, Inara took a job as a librarian at the Companion Academy, which was known for its comprehensive collection of 'Letters to Penthouse.'

2. FoxNews launches its 'Book Club' feature.

3. You know, I think I'm gonna like Masterpiece Theater: The Next Generation.

4. We've replaced Billy's usual librarian with a whore. Let's see if he notices.

5. In Soviet Russia, you give lapdance to stripper!

Best of mega
Rachel tried to figure out what this place was, and why anyone would come here. There were no parties, plastic surgeons, or cell phones. What a stupid place.

Best of mpur
Bigfoot's wife relaxes in the family study.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Sir, this is a library... Please keep your "Giggedy's" at whisper level."

Best of racerboy
"How come boys never appreciate me for my intellect?"

Best of prince of leaves
"I think my bindings are loose," she sighed, sending a shiver up my spine.

Best of ochagirl
HIJAB. UR DOIN IT WRONG.

Best of Adjustah
"Oh for the love of..!", thought Picard, who had once again stumbled onto one of Geordi's "Engineering assistance" holodeck programs.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Bambi Reedmore later confessed despite the number of books in her library she had read only the ones she could color.

Best of divine miss m
Subby fondly recalls the tutor who taught him better names for parts of the body than the ones his parents did.

Best of Army of Mom
Hannah Montana?

Best of Army of Mom
Your boobs will come out of the top if I let you tell me about Ron Paul? I'm all ears.

Can't Get That Thong Out of My Head

1. "R2!Shut down all the garbage smashers on the detention level!"

2. Another blond dies in a tragic stripper pole accident, and walks toward the light.

3. "Oh, damn, it's the Rapture, and I'm a whore."

4. But, at Laura's insistence, Jenna eventually opted for a more traditional wedding dress.

5. I CAN HAS SKANK?

Best of Steve O
You can't afford it.

Best of Army of Mom
*singing*
These shoes were made for whoring and that's just what I'll do!

Best of Silhouette
"Stay where you are, hon. It's UPS. I'll get the door."

Best of Army of Dad
I bet it feels weird to for her to have her arms farther apart than her legs.

Best of curly
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Jane’s new Russian contractor finally got the message.

Best of curly
Two boobs and an ass...but enough about the election.

Best of Tim
The wet nurses of the rich and famous

Best of Gagdad Bob
I'm at a floss for words.

Best of jeff
Body by Photoshop.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
People with "near death" experiences often describe a tunnel of light, blocked by a hoochie mama.

Best of racerboy
Watch it wiggle; watch it jiggle!

Best of prince of leaves
Carole Ann attempts to seduce a legion of horny ghosts back through the spirit portal, in this scene from "Pootergeist".

"Why do lefty women named 'Tina' always look like this?"*

Robert

1. "Dammit, where'd I put that f**kin' tricorder." Ensign Ro, the menopausal years.

2. "What do you mean I'm too pretty for Code Pink?"

3. "Damn, you take a nap on the beach, the next thing you know, some guys from Wood's Hole are attaching a location transponder to you."

4. Pepe slunk away quietly in the background, recognizing that there were some jobs even he wouldn't do.

5. First Tip O'Neill and now *this?* Has Cap This added "Fat Bitch Wednesday" to its repertoire?

Best of mega
With Domino's on speed dial, Tina's elapsed time from idea-of-pizza to eating-pizza stood at a remarkable 30 minutes and 4 seconds.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Too... much... effort... to... actually... hold... cellphone... up to... mouth..."

Best of GregMan
Holding a bloodied rib bone from her last victim in her right hand, Shelob looks around for dessert.

Best of Jack Reacher
Obama supporters who spent significant time in West Virginia didn't seem to gather support for their candidate, although they visited every barbecue place they could find.

Best of Army of Mom
Look, it bears the white hand of Sarumon and the ass of Baskin Robbins.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Sue E. pictured above demonstated yesterday outside McDonald's yesterdays. She stated she was upset when the sign 0 Trans-fat appeared, "It was so personal, like they had it in for me"

Best of Army of Dad
Damn, she just pulled out the tranq dart. Reload!

Best of Jonathan
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...at which point I devour them whole."

Best of curly
♫ I am illegal, they the illegal, I am the walrus,
Coo coo kachoo ka coo coo kachoo ♪

Best of divine miss m
When it says "party size" on the bag, it doesn't mean "party of one."

Best of Submariner
Tina; "Enough already with the 'Hefty, Hefty, HEFty' chants..."

Best of attmay

Thursday babe as chosen by guest Blogger, the Michelin Man, who had his access privileges removed on Friday.



* Tina Fay doesn't... yet.

Night of the Living Democrats

Frank IBC

1. "Hello, Nancy. I've been sent to escort you to the next world. The barbed cock of Satan awaits."

2. "Get in mah belly!"

3. Fifty years later, Carrie Fisher and Jabba the Hutt reunite.

4. "I wash myself with a rag tied to a stick."

5. "Yeah, Comrade Tip, it's a shame we lost the Cold War, but we got a really good shot at losing the War on Islamo-fascism."

6. Man, I can't wait for the Scoobies to rip off the mask.

7. An illustration of the exact point at which things can not get any worse.

8. "It's so nice you came all the way from Hell to visit, Speaker O' Neill. So, how are Garry Studds and Paul Wellstone doing these days?"

9. "No, Tip, just because you can cure wrinkles with botox injections doesn't mean you can cure morbid obesity with flesh-eating-bacteria injections.

10. "Spot the corpse" Toughest round ever!

Best of The Man
John Edwards should have known better to look Nancy directly in her eyes.

Best of Rodney Dill
Oh, John, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!

Best of Van Helsing
The change had already engulfed his right hand. Soon he would be transformed into the horrific beast that reflected the true nature of his soul. Pelousy moaned with anticipation…

Best of Jack Reacher
"The road map on your nose will guide me home."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Tip and Nancy receive the much-anticipated news that donors had been found for their chin implants.

Best of Seoulman (R)
You'll never guess who you might find when you use Kos-Gal online dating services.

Best of Tim
I CAN HAZ BRAINZ???

Best of Tim
Tip begins his transformation into a Worm of Arakiss

Best of mklasing
Nancy thought: "Thank Satan I'm wearing my Anti-Leprosy pantsuit!"

Best of mklasing
In a moment of pleasant surprise Tip and Nancy revealed that they both had affiars with Barbara Walters in the 70's too.

Best of Submariner
♪ Babe, ♪ ♪
♪ I got you babe. ♪

Best of Submariner
Alien vs Predator IV

Coming Soon to the Side of a Chevy Van Near You

Ace

Dreams Andrew Sullivan has had ...

Best of jeff
The artist's conception of OJ Simpson as the verdict is read.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In Heaven, there will be unicorns, roses, and a wet, black man holding a pack of Menthols.

Best of mpur
Cue Seraphim Chorus....and go balloons! Go balloons! What the f*** are you guys doing up there?

Best of Jay Guevara
Thought bubble: "Damn racist water! Why didn't it support my weight?"

Best of sonicfrog
Yeah, I had an orgasm like that... once. Smelled great, but the thorns...

Best of mega
Barack Obama, submerged to his waist in horse semen and sinking fast, thanked god he was wearing his lucky '70's Heff leisure jacket.

Best of Adriane
For Elvis' 2nd Coming, God decided that this time, it wouldn't be the music that was Black...

Best of Seoulman (R)
Prancy the unicorn wondered how much fast he would need to gallop to gore the crazy man in the water.

Best of The Man
"where da white voters at"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Nah, sorry, Ted, no sign of Mary Jo down there."

Hey! Don't point that thing at me

Van Helsing

1. "W-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-TCH!"

2. "Waiter! Table four needs more arugula!"

3. ♫ "Here I come to save the day..." ♪

4. "And when I am president, all replicants will be hunted down and eliminated. Like that one, over there... GRRRRRRRRRRAAWWWWWWWWWK!"

5. "Mecca is that way, right?"

6. "... and we're going to take this campaign to Texylvania, and Tennechusetts, and Florabama, and Idohio, and Kentuckifornia, and all 57 states! YEEEEARGH!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"There is THE MAN! He's been keeping us down! Get him!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Obama attempts to distract another reporter by pointing out shiny things.

Best of Silhouette
Pull the finger of Hope for real Change.

Best of curly
Barry Plotter and the Shoulder Pads of Fire.

Best of curly
"You can have my arugula when you take it from my slender, delicate, manicured, formerly moslem, half black half white, amerikkka despising, metro-sexual fingers!”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I'll hit this bowling ball right out to center field and score a touchdown for America!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"That thing over there... the one with all the stripes and star things... what is that?"

Best of mega
After spending thirty years perfecting the folded-index-finger non-pointing trick, the entire political class was stunned to see its efforts destroyed by one brave nonconformist.

Best of mega
Obama's electrifying stadium speech was an exciting moment for everyone, especially Chris Matthews, who ran from restroom to restroom to see if he could find one of those belt-level hairdryers so popular in the strip clubs.

Best of Jay Guevara
"That guy...that guy right there...isn't worshipping me!" "I can tell because I didn't get a 'harrumph' out of him."

Best of jeff
"Hey you kids! Get away from my car!"

Best of Passionate Conservative
This booger represents change!

Old. School.

Jack Bauer

1. "You little bastards found my lower dentures yet?"

2. "A Chappaquiddick diorama? Why Ted Kennedy, you magnificent bastard!"

3. "Get back to our 'inkwells' and 'chamber pots.' Just how frakkin' old are you, McCain?"

4. "Hey, look, a trilobite exhibit. Those things used to be all over the place when I was a kid. Then they went extinct. Probably due to man-made global warming."

5. "Enjoy your youth while you can. Once my amnesty passes, none of you little sh1ts is ever gonna find a job."

Wicked Best of mega
In a scene eerily reminiscent of the conclusion of Logan's run, the children, who had never seen someone so old before, then crowded around McCain, tugging on his white hair and touching his leathered skin, the joy of discovery punctuated by confusion and a tinge of fear.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Miguel, Maria, there are places where the Rio Grande is this shallow. Really. Tell your family."

Best of lawhawk
Keep bailing kids. That global warming is a real killer and the short ones wont make it.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Check the paternity tests again, this can't be right!

Best of GregMan
"Now kids, this is what your neighborhood will look like after Global Warming makes the sea level rise. Your parents will all drown, your friends will all be dead and your puppy will die too. Hey, why did you all start crying? It's a scientific fact!"

Best of GregMan
"You kids get out of my tide pool!"

Best of curly
“Sure kid, I know what the Jurassic Period is. It’s that time of the month when your wife turns into a real bitchosaurus.”

Best of curly
“Thanks for sponging my drool off the display, kids.”

Best of Army of Mom
Over here is a Zeppelin like I piloted back in ott seven.

"Aunty Em! Aunty Em!"

Sondra K

1. "My campaign HQ is completely trashed! Damn you, Cat in the Hat! Damn you to Hell!"

2. "All right, which one of you smartasses left the cardboard cutout of Dennis Haysbert on my porch!"

3. "Hey, you kids! Get out of my yard!" Hillary positions herself for McCain's VP spot.

4. Despondent over her rejection, Hillary declares her house in Chappaqua to be the new nation of 'Hillaryia,' raises her national flag, and belts out the national anthem, "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!"

5. Hillary's try-out for Jeremiah Wright's Gospel Choir wasn't a complete disaster, he let her keep the robe.

Very Brady Best of Silhouette
Hillary courts the Ron Paul voters by saying she is Mrs. Paul.

Best of Seoulman (R)
It's raining, it's pouring, the crazy lady's boring

Best of The Man
"Don't cry for me West Virginia"

Best of mpur
Which one of you bitches stole my pantsuit?

Best of Rodney Dill
SERENITY NOW!

Best of attmay
"Jeez, you spend one night with the Gorton's fisherman and the whole world knows about it by 8:30 the next morning!"

Best of sonicfrog
Hillary was mighty ticked when Curious George stole her famed Stetson, revealing her to be the mysterious Man With the Yellow Hat

Best of mega
As Hilldog stood on the porch, alternately saying "Who do you trust to make it rain? Barack can't make it rain" and cackling to no one in particular, Chelsea sadly signed the commitment papers and quietly drove off.

Best of curly
“Despite my ridiculous yellow raincoat, I don't feel no ways retarded.”

Best of shoechick
Dammit, the house was supposed to land on her, not next to her.

Best of Army of Mom
Which one of you a55holes gave me the raincoat that highlights my cankles?

Show Us Your Bush

AP Photo/Charles Dharapak

1. "In my day, we hired negroes for catering jobs. At least they spoke some damn English."

2. "What a lovely wedding. The Huffington Post even sent a bouquet of stinkweed with a card reading 'We hope you are gang-raped and infected with AIDS.' It was sweet that they remembered."

3. "Jeez, ma show some class, will ya? Use my snot-rag next time."

4. "I'm voting for Ron Paul."

5. "She's got some nerve wearing white."

Best of Paul
Your line is "her mother and I".

Best of Van Helsing
"XYZ PDQ? What's that mean, Ma?"

Best of Double the U
"Blame it on the dog!"

Best of Seoulman (R)
You have to let your father sing 'Feelings' at the reception, he'd be so hurt otherwise.

Best of Jack Reacher
"That groomsman keeps making eyes at me. Be a dear, Georgie, and have him killed."

Best of attmay
"What in Heaven's name were you thinking, getting John Aschroft to sing We've Only Just Begun?"

Best of GOP & College
You know, after the bachelorette party last night, I'm surprised she's even standing.

Best of curly
“You can bet yur best cowboy boots that the boy’s getting some Bush tonight, eh, sonny?”

Best of mega
"Here are your new instructions. Declare war on Iran."

Best of Army of Mom
Son, do you ever get that 'not so fresh' feeling?

Best of Rodney Dill
Dad's gonna parachute in during the vows

Best of jeff
"I walked in on Henry in the bathroom this morning - your dad is bigger."

IDK, Would This Work Better as a Stinger?

Plan 59

1. John Edwards personally supervises the baths at all of his son's sleepovers.

2. "I don't know what the Emperor's Club told you, Mister, but it's an extra $50 to do the dog."

3. Ironically, Dreams of my Father was also the title of Barney Frank's autobiography.

4. Q. What do you get when you cross Norman Rockwell's style with Robert Mapplethorpe's explicit depictions of child molestation. A. An NEA grant and a showing at the Whitney.

5. John Hagee is so anti-Catholic, he uses the Vatican Flag as a bathmat.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Uncle Charlie wondered if the other two sons were this hot

Best of divine miss m
"I never felt so clean and so dirty all at the same time."

Best of mega
California's new text book cover for the 7th grade was controversial with "right-wing extremists", according to the LA Times.

Best of Jack Reacher
We've secretly replaced Billy's dad with a creepy pedophile from the 50s. Let's see if he notices.

Best of attmay
Coppertone redesigns its packaging for the West Hollywood and San Francisco markets.

Best of GregMan
The cover illustration for James Lilek's latest book should have been a warning. Sadly, too few heard his cry for help.

Pugsley Addams Visits His Local Library

Americana

1. "I don't get it. How can Heather have two Mommies?" "It's called a turkey baster, Billy."

2. "Mommy! Billy's hoggin' Our Bodies, Ourselves and he won't share!"

3. John Gray is full of sh1t. If women really were from Venus, they'd be adapted to survive in a broiling atmosphere of high pressure sulphuric acid.

4. "So, where in the Dewey decimal system do I find stroke books?"

5. "As a matter of fact, Mr King, I'd rather get shot in Iraq than have to read your over-written schlock anyway."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Who the f*ck is 'Waldo', and why do I care where he is?"

Wicked Best of Seoulman (R)
Harry Potter and the Witches of Code Pink

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Note Written In Margin: "Billy, I'm in 'Periodicals'. Find an excuse to wander over here. Love, Mary Kay."

Best of curly
“Billy! Shhhhh! Here comes the leather dog collar wearing, arugula juice drinking, child hating, abortion promoting, dog shit eating, Pinto driving, New York Times ‘Letters to the Editor’ writing, unmentionable body parts piercing, Vulcan-whore-with-a-slave/dog-fetish imitating, Bush/Cheney loathing, Obama loving, sadomasochistic, progressive ultra-liberal Code Stink Democrat librarian, with her loop handled, chain reinforced, spike studded, rabies infected pit-bull certified, PETA condemned dog leash. Apparently your loud sighing while reading the “NAMBLA Weekly” is drawing stern consternations from the hetro homeless bums sleeping in the corner.”

Best of curly
“Cool! VtheK’s ‘Caption This!’ is finally out in book form, with chapters dedicated to Subby, SOTG, AoM, PoL, Silhouette and the others. Thank goodness they edited out Curly’s worthless crap.”

Best of Seoulman (R)
America's 57 States! An I can almost read book

Best of divine miss m
The only friends Dominic has either debate, recite, or are here on a 6-month student visa from New Delhi.

Best of attmay
"Hey Cindy, look! It's one of those papery things Mom and Dad used to play with before they invented video games! What did they call them again?"

What?

(AP Photo/Jasper Juinen)

1. "OK, who wants sloppy seconds?"

2. Cap This continues its series on 'Metaphors for John McCain's Relationship with the Conservative Base.'

3. "I didn't touch him! He just suddenly realized that the next president was going to be McCain or Obama."

4. "So, any of you other Vodaphone butt pirates want a piece of me?"

5. "He says 'Leave Britney alone!'"

Best of Silhouette
"Anyone got a Midol?"

Best of Silhouette
"He just saw the prices of arugula."

Best of GregMan
"He's having one of those not-so-fresh days."

Best of Whacko
"Look, No. 10, If you want a piece of him, you'll have to go through me! Wait, I may have said that wrong."

Best of Steve O
What!! If he can't take a full-speed kick to the groin maybe he should play baseball!

Best of Submariner
v word - aewgwl - pretty much the sound I think he's making.

Best of Rodney Dill
GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Best of Nose
Foot. Ball.

Best of Dr.Hardcrab
Hey! He told me to "bend it like Beckham", so there you have it: It's bent! Satisfied??

Not Suitable for Thursday

Van Helsing

1. 'Strict Vulcan Librarian' was Commander Riker's favorite holodeck program.

2. Being Ellen DeGeneres's personal assistant was still less humiliating than working for Streisand.

3. The Livonia Public Library has an extremely strict policy about misplaced books.

4. "Mom, the Spinal Tap album cover was 24 years ago. Let it go."

5. A prom corsage is just so bourgeois.

Best of Seoulman (R)
A gender misplaced is a gender lost

Best of Double the U
Can you force your vegan slave to eat meat?

Best of curly
♫ Horse crops up noses and whiskerless kittens
♪ Tight leather collars and Islamiphied Britons
♫ Brown Unibomber packages tied up with strings
♪ These are a few of my favorite things

Best of Silhouette
I'm guessing that book was, "Dress for Success."

Best of jeff
"Ja, Ich bin eine Ostericherin."

Best of Submariner
Apparently, Starfall bet on Dallas in game 1.

Best of mega
Karen's mom was adamant about this so-called new 'look'. "You're not leaving this house, young lady, until you find a better pair of earrings."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Live longneck and perspire."

Best of mega
Norm Herklefink, aka "Master Torquemada", took sick pleasure in making her wear t-shirts with incomprehensible slogans.

Boi-oy-oy-ing!

1. Aerial view of the Silicone Valley.

2. Macrame Quarterly releases its much-anticipated Swimsuit Edition.

3. A Washington Post expose reveals the precarious state of America's Strategic Saline Reserve.

4. "Like the hammock? It used be Rosie O'Donnell's bra."

5. The primitive trap nevertheless worked perfectly. The Ewoks would eat well tonight.

Best of mega
It was truly a predicament: fix the nip-slip and risk falling 60 feet to the canyon floor, or hold on tight and look like yet another girls-gone-wild wannabe.

Best of jeff
The sultry scene ended 5 seconds later as Suzy overbalanced and flipped out of the hammock.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Making love to a girl in a hammock is like doing chain-shots of tequila: You'll both appear highly uncoordinated and you're likely to end up unconscious in your neighbor's yard.

Best of curly
Who knew that the Hymenlick Maneuver was a crochet term?

Best of Steve O
"Woman with enormous rack told she has beautiful eyes."
- *From "The Onion"

Best of shoechick
Saved By The Boobs

Woman On Red

1. Someone's gonna put an eye out on those shoulder blades.

2. "Take me, Mrs. Clinton. Take me like you took Indiana... keep me up till one-thirty a.m. and bring in some Rush Limbaugh supporters to help."

3. I CAN HAS FURRBURGER?

4. Six operations, one massive eyebrow plucking, and a bout with bulimia later... Michael Loscalzo no longer looks like Dr. Frank N Furter.

5. Dateline's gonna have a field day with the bodily fluids on these sheets.

Best of The Man
Disney's sequel to High School Musical, titled Dorm Room Orgy is expected to be a box office smash.

Best of Submariner
Curly
How Hillary celebrates winning in one of the Red States.

Heck, it's how she celebrates coming within 15 points in a blue state...

Best of mega
Karen tried to smile, but after finding out the multi-millionaire only liked BBWs, there really didn't seem to be a point in hanging around.

Best of Army of Mom
I CAN HAZ IPECAC?

Haughty, French-Looking Senator Likes Boobies

Jack Bauer also, Nice Deb

1. "Hey, girls... care to accompany me to the Disney store?"

2. I CAN HAS UNDERAGE TITTEEZ?

3. The memory of teenage sweater puppies will be seared ... SEARED... into his memory.

4. Number of boobs in this picture, at least 5.

5. "Dear Roll Call, I never thought this would happen to me, but..."

Very Brady Best of Jonathan
HALP US, JON CARRY! WE R STUK N PUSHUP BRAS!

Best of Chrees
"Nice, but how big is her trust fund?"

Best of mklasing
"I'd like to flip flop around on those."

Best of Army of Dad
Sen. Kerry's arrives at Thursday, one day early.

Best of Jay Guevara
"That reminds me of Hills 550 and 340 in Vietnam. See, my orders were to sail into the heart of darkness, and find Col. Kurtz. It was quiet, too quiet..."

Best of Submariner
Thought bubble; "If I can get 'em to dip the tips in vodka, maybe I can even get TuhRAYza to enjoy them..."

Best of Steve O
John Kerry.
Unobtrusive.
Nuanced.

Best of curly
“I’m John Kerry and I approve of this boob massage.”

Best of Army of Mom
Sen. Kerry, the reflective sunglasses don't work if you look down like that.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Weekend at Bernie's Part VIII

Best of joe schmedlap
Things I wouldn't throw over the fence at the White House.