The Old Man and the C Student

Timmeh

1. "So, Billy, does playing 'Leisure Suit Larry' get you as hot as it gets me?"

2. N0, he's not a gay pedophile. He's senile and thinks the Emperor's Club set him up with Bonnie Franklin.

3. Billy's parents no longer worry about paying for college, now that he's signed up for the NAMBLA scholarship plan.

4. Unfortunately, "Medal of Honor 4" gave grandpa a nasty Vietnam flashback. They found Billy the next day, impaled on a bed of punji sticks in the backyard.

5. "You can't even get through level one of Sonic the Hedgehog, but John McCain thinks he can run the country? Damn, we are so screwed!"

Best of GregMan
"Wow, Billy, this video game is amazing! Those kids actually got off my lawn when I yelled at them!"

Best of Seoulman (R)
What do you say Billy, after this, let's steal money from grandma's purse and get some pizza

Best of Submariner
Airplane, the Game; Peter Graves edition was a big hit down at Shady Pines...

Best of Two Dogs
"Don't worry, Joey, this Taser will not hurt Gramma's pacemaker."

I CAN HAS MARTERDUM?

Subby

1. JIHAD KITTEH IZ IN UR JIHAD. IMMOLATIN UR INFIDELS.

2. By the time the terrorists realized that Toonces was a bad choice to drive the car bomb, it was too late for them.

3. CEILING CAT AKBAR!

4. "Honey, I don't think Toonces is going for the store-brand cat food."

5. The head of the TSA immediately made it illegal to bring a cat carrier onto any scheduled commercial flight, and also that all passengers must be subjected to an intrusive body cavity search, "Because flying still isn't miserable enough yet."

Best of Silhouette
Yassir Aracat.

Best of Dwight Wannabe
Effin' Persians.

Best of Dwight Wannabe
Mahbuttah bin Lickin

Best of Dwight
Griz arrived in Paradise to find all the promises of the Meowlahs were spot on:

72 lonely fat chicks with long, scritchy fingernails were awaiting him...

...as were his balls.

Best of GOP & College
U IZ INFIDEL! K THNX BOOM!

Best of Seoulman (R)
Tom thought Jerry needed to pay for the whole pie-in-the-face incident.

Best of Robert
Love to blast them dhimmis
Dhimmis what i love to beat
Blow they little heads off
Nibble on they tiny feet

(with apologies to B. Kliban)

Best of Submariner
Toonces thought bubble; "Flip the switch this time and I wake up to a 576 virgin kitteh harem! And to think if it wasn't for that one nap in the driveway, it could have been 648..."

Best of jeff
I CAN HAZ WHITE GRAPES?

Best of Rodney Dill
102nd use for a dead cat -- Spackle your ceiling.

Blah Blah Blah Enumclaw Blah Blah Blah

Timmeh

1. A scene from the forthcoming movie, Being Matthew Broderick.

2. "Hello, boss? I won't be into work today. I'm feelin' a little horse."

3. After dating Lindsey Lohan, Matt was happy to be in bed with anything that didn't smell like puke and crystal meth.

4. Another beautiful, loving relationship the f**king Republicans will never understand!

5. You may be asking yourself, "So, what happens if you're a guy living in a polygamy cult and all the young girls have been married off to old men?"

Best of Tremor
Notice the position of the horse's tail... Something tells me this wasn't the foal's first experience with farmer Joe's fruity son.

Best of Silhouette
I'm thinking you and Flicka are more than just "friends."

Best of Army of Dad
Oh that is just nasty. They don't even use sheets at the equine sex club!

Best of Army of Mom
Christopher Paolini struggled with the final book in his Eragon trilogy and finally gave up. Instead of finding a magical egg in the forest in book three, Eragon finds his soulmate and true love in Aftershock the foal.

Best of Rodney Dill
Wilbur-r-r-r-r-r-r

Best of mklasing
Heath Ledger's absence was a devastating blow to the sequel, "Brokeback Pony"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Billy's mom was relieved that the rumors about him sleeping around with whores was just a misunderstanding.

Best of GregMan
Lance and Prance rest after another long day at the Folsom Street Fair.

Best of curly
“It’s just my nightmare.”

Best of Chrees
Man O'Whore

Best of Steve O
YOU talk to him John. He's YOUR son!
How am I supposed to know *why* he wanted a pony for his birthday?

Best of sonicfrog
Kevin is definitely the winner of the "Man, I was SOOOOO drunk last night" contest.

Best of prince of leaves
What happens in Kibbutz Ferdl, *stays* in Kibbutz Ferdl.

Mom?

Metalgarth

1. The Kids in the Hall have not aged well.

2. "Excuse me! Is there a clinical therapist specializing in men who feel oppressed by masculine roles in the house? We have an emergency!"

3. A Typical White Transvestite crosses the street to avoid a group of young black men.

4. Now that you see what Diane Sawyer looks like when she arrives at the GMA studios, you really appreciate the make-up artist's skill.

5. "Damn, Code Pink said I was 'too pretty.'"

Best of Jack Reacher
Paul Hogan's latest film, "Crocodile Tootsie" was, to say the least, poorly received.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Subby, your prom date's a... Never mind. You two have a wonderful time."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Dude doesn't look like a lady.

Best of Tim
In the year 2000 all men will wear skirts and comfortable pumps.

Best of Adjustah
Daniel Craig would go to great lengths to sneak off the set for a pint.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Star of the Showtime's newest show "Really Desperate Housewives."

Best of Seoulman (R)
After two years as an undercover cop in the city park, Officer Bob Brady discovered someting very interesting about himself....

Best of attmay
What I think about when I think unsexy thoughts.

Best of mklasing
The hidden, but not so surprising, double life of Andy Gibb.

Best of Army of Dad
We can laugh about it now, but that was going to be John Edwards' Secretary of Interior.

Best of Army of Mom
We switched Chrissy's morning vitamins with steroids. Lets see if she notices.

Horrible Gigantic Pantsuit Tuesday

Frank IBC

1. Wonder Woman really let herself go, but she kept the magic bracelets.

2. "Those hips. That emasculating glare," Hillary whispered. "I must have her!"

3. Hillary thought Reverend Wright had finished off Obama for good, but then word leaked out of the radical views of the leader of the Sapphic Poetry Circle she had been attending for 20 years.

4. "I'M IN UR PARLAMUNT. MAKIN UR DUM LAWS" - LOLEastGermanShotPutters

5. "Are you suggesting I feel oppressed by traditional gender roles?"

Best of Double the U
No, no.. I am the valet, we had a little accident when parking one of your cars.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Little Red Riding Hood grew into a bitter lonely cat owning government worker.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Electra Woman stood trial for eating Dyna Girl.

Best of The Man
The chairperson will acknowledge you Mr. Sullivan only if your question is not about who does my hair.

Best of Chrees
"For those of you who don't feel guilty about anything yet, we will be holding anti-racist training, white privilege seminars, and classes on how to deal with the male rape culture."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"The Chair recognizes the representative from Amazonia..."

Best of Army of Mom
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in? Hopefully NOT in white pants.

Best of Jay Guevara
ORA: "Who said that? WHO THE @#$%^ SAID THAT? Who's the slimy little twinkletoes c@@ks@@@er that just signed his own death warrant?"

Best of divine miss m
Two small breasts, two big thighs...just add a left wing, and it's the Hillary bucket special at KFC.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Gee, thanks, guys; you all chipped in and bought me a copy of Attack of the 50 Foot Woman for my birthday! What a bunch of pals!"

Oy

The Man

1. "So, I hear you Amish guys are great bowlers!"

2. "So, that's ten orders of matzo soup and one ham sandwich."

3. "Wow, it's so cool to meeterize you guys! I love ZZ Top!"

4. "Well, dad, gotta go now. The cast of Deadwood just showed up in my office."

5. After seeing his entire cabinet had decided to come to the costume party dressed as rabbis, W was glad he had picked a Chewbacca costume.

Best of prince of leaves
Members of Neturei Karta line up to get their copies of "The Jewish Lobby" autographed by an unwitting Dubya.

Best of mega
AP - Iran dismissed its entire Propaganda Ministry due to "redundancy" today, and used its cash horde to buy every Iranian citizen a laptop preloaded with PictureViewer.

Best of mklasing
"I had the weirdest dream--I gave control of the Country to an Amish baseball team and then me and my desk slid into a the underside of a giant mushroom--that's the last time I eat chili before bed."

Best of ochagirl

Prez, thinking: "If I just ignore the imaginary rabbis produced by overwhelming guilt by supporting Palestinian occupation of Israel, maybe they'll go away and stop staring at me."

*writes in silence for a few minutes*

Prez: "Nope. They're still there."

Best of Chrees
The meeting had an ugly ending after W offered the group his favorite snack...pork rinds.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Jew-Eye for the Straight Guy meets its most difficult fashion challenge.

Best of Cybrludite
I said bring me a new minion, not minyan! When was the last time you had your hearing checked, Igor?

Best of GregMan
"I wanna thank you guys for this rare, first edition copy of The Protocols Of The Elders Of Zion."

Best of Shayne
"You guys are great! Now which one is Mattisyahu?"

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Stop me if you've heard this one. A rabbi, a rabbi, a rabbi a rabbi, a rabbi, a rabbi, a rabbi, a rabbi a rabbi, a rabbi, and the President are in the Oval Office..."

Stick to Bowling, Hussein

M Klasing

1. "No, Mr. Sullivan. You may not put Rashaan Salaam's Heisman trophy in your ass!"

2. And then, the Merrill-Lynch bull broke through the wall, trampled the Obamassiah to death, and spared America a sequel to the Carter administration.

3. "Back, Oprah, Back! Don't make me go all blunt instrument on you!"

4. "Yes, I am a big fan of the proletarian sport of footballs. How about that local squadron?"

5. "Yeah, President Hussein, while you were showing off your moves, your buddies in Hamas just detonated a nuke outside the window. See you in Hell."


Best of Two Dogs
THE Ohio State University fields the most promising Heisman hopeful in years.

Best of curly
Trying to appeal to the redneck demographic, BO changes his name to Barack Heisman Obama.

Best of curly
“Well I'm gonna to go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this.” In the remake of the Steve Martin classic, Obama plays the role of “The Jerk”.

Best of Chrees
The Heisman curse--the difficulty in a star amateur turning pro--strikes yet again.

Best of Whacko
While Obama fantasizes, he bitterly recalls that he couldn't go out for sports in school because he spent so much time with head shoved in the crapper.

Best of Shayne
With a short juke to the right and a quick move to the left, Obama manages to escape from OJ's house without getting slashed.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Can't touch this... Stop Barak time

Best of Army of Mom
The bull on the wall recognizes the BS in the room even if no one else does.

No. 37, Now Serving No. 37

Duke of Red

1. "Waffles? I didn't see any waffles."

2. "Psssst, Oprah, you got a little 'hope and change' on your ... never mind, you got it. Nice afterglow, by the way."

3. "Bucket of chicken? I didn't see a bucket of chicken."

4. Oprah's usual speaking fee: Still-beating heart of a white girl-child.

5. "Chinese horse penis? I didn't see any Chinese horse penis."

Best of Whacko
Oprah receiving her honorary doctorate at the University of Oprah, Oprah, Ill.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Yuck, I hate that... Looks like I clinged to Obama's gun a few seconds too long..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We Title This Picture: When Pigeons Fly Too Close

Best of Rodney Dill
Oh The Huge Vanity

Best of mklasing
Oprah was so embarassed when she was caught clapping on beats 1 and 3.

I Ate What?

Scene from a Chinese penis restaurant
courtesy of Ace

Best of Submariner
Well, yes, it would normally be a horse c*ck, but since I'm on a diet...

Best of Army of Dad
Not what most people thought they would get when googling "asian swallows dripping cock"

Best of Double the U
We secretly replaced the penis Kim usual puts in her mouth with new Foldger's penis, lets see if she notices the difference.

Best of prince of leaves
After five years of HillaryCare, Americans increasingly turn to advice from DIY cable channels, performing their own uvulectomies and other surgeries at home.

Best of Van Helsing
"Wait!" Screamed Dennis Kucinich. "I think that's mine! I've been looking for it everywhere!"

Best of mega
Ling was desperately waiting for the global rice shortage to end, so she could get back to her normal diet.

Best of Seoulman (R)
From Soup to Nuts: A Cookbook for the Impotent Asian.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Stargate SG-1: Goa'uld Pr0n

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"OK, Suki... More tongue, less teeth, and could you look a little more g*d-damned interested?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Actually I wanted a little happiness

Blades of Gluttony

Timmeh

1. He is called Travis, defender of the Trailer Park.

2. "Sorry about your dog... but he shouldn't have snuck up on me like that."

3. "Someone call for a moehl?"

4. One morning Travis, woke up, reached down to scratch, and made himself a soprano.

5. "I just hope to god this isn't a gun fight."

Best of mega
The feeling in the park was that Kenny was taking his new job as a bagel slicer way too seriously.

Best of Seoulman (R)
When Weight Watchers was looking for a pseudo-emo teen for their new ad, they didn't have to look far.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Matt was saddened that his invention did not get the food into his mouth any faster.

Best of ochagirl
Blades of Curry.

Best of Rodney Dill
'Mumsy, can Edmund Scissor pinky come over for tea and scones?"

Best of Submariner
Mum? The ankle bone's no longer connected to the leg bone...

Best of Kaptain Krude
How nature says, "Do not feed."

Best of Van Helsing
Now Travis was able to reach even the peskiest, most inaccessible boogers.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Billy goes into "hyper-imaginatiion" mode, dreaming of the havoc he would wreak if he were only 50 pounds lighter.

Best of Steve O
...because chicks only like guys with great skills.

Best of Cybrludite
You'd be ashamed too, if you there was photographic evidence that you'd bought cheap crap from the BudK website...

You Stay Classy

1. "It smells like... oh, gawd, mom, that's just GROSS!"

2. "So, I'm guessing that finger means you blew my allowance on this manicure?"

3. Andrew Sullivan does not take kindly to young boys criticizing his nail color choices.

4. "What do you mean 'Must. Control. Finger. Of. Death?'"

5. "Au contraire, Mom, I know *exactly* where that finger has been."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Come on, Cindy... We both knew what this was. You are my babysitter for crissakes. We agreed: physical only, no emotional involvement... Could you toss me a Pop-tart on your way out?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Act tough if you want, Mom, but that picture of you stays up on MySpace until you come through with my allowance."

Best of mklasing
A young Spitzer caught in the very moment he told his "friend" that he forgot to get any cash from his dad.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Billy, it is time for your prostate check

Young boy enjoys boobies

1. Billy's parents hired Debby Lafave as a home-tutor. Years later, when they were too infirm to take care of themselves, he put them in the best rest-home money could buy.

2. A young Andrew Sullivan is horrified by his baby-sitter's inability to accessorize.

3. Eliot Spitzer junior is shocked that his father pays $1,500 an hour for such a manifestly incompetent baby-sitter.

4. The young Dutch boy required years of reparative therapy after being pawed over by the porky gay Shatneresque TV Star.

5. While Billy was transfixed, The Borrowers constructed a working gondola to help them access the higher items in the house.

Best of Army of Dad
Apparently these are a few of his favorite things too.

Best of Chrees
"Hi, my name is booby. I mean Bobbie. And I like video games and boobies. I mean baseball. I...uhhhh...have to go to the boobies. I mean bathroom."

Best of GOP & College
I swear! I haven't been weened!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Where's the blue feet?"

Best of Submariner
Thought bubble; "I'm pretty sure I know why dad always takes her home..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Thought bubble: "Remember these for later use. Remember these for later use..."

Best of mklasing
In organizing his childhood trauma defense, Spitzer's criminal lawyers decide to mark this Exhibit 1.

Best of lawhawk
Kid, you don't know what you're messing with. It's not like flying the T-36 back home.

Best of Van Helsing
Next on the list of wonderful discoveries: beer.

Best of attmay
"Don't give me that 'just performing a mammogram' crap again or you're going to be the only denture wearer in the second grade."

Well, This Idiot Is Delighted

lawhawk

1. Oliver Stone portrays a typical Bush cabinet meeting.

2. "No soup for you!"

3. "So, it's resolved. We will send a nice card and a basket of cookies to Jimmy Carter and the boys of Hamas for carrying on our Fuhrer's good work."

4. Ironically, every one of these guys has paid a Dominatrix to dress up as a British aristocrat and whip them.

5. YearlyKos isn't even trying to hide it any more.

Geek Dreams

1. BSG totally jumped the shark when it was revealed that when Starbuck died, she was resurrected in a Hooters filled with 50-foot giantesses.

2. Just one hockey game away short of V the K's best birthday ever!

3. "I know the place is full and Sully and his friends are dropping by, but don't worry. Just flip the a stool over and ... Voila! seating for four."

4. "You idiots! When I said I wanted a cake shaped like a colonial viper, I meant John Hancock's pet asp, Iggy. My Independence Day Party is ruined. The Hooters girls can say though."

5. Unfortunately, the convention of AS400 administrators fixated on the eight foot model Viper and no one was well-tipped that night.

Very Brady Best of Jack Reacher
"Senator Clinton just left. She was tired of dodging star-ship fire."

Best of Chrees
I place the over/under line at 5 for the number of waitresses thinking "It reminds me of what I have in my nightstand"

Best of Army of Dad
Not pictured: Candi getting the balloon ready to roll on the front.

Best of GOP & College
Look! 800 pounds of plastic...And a space ship!

Best of Adjustah
Admiral Adama would often day-dream during Baltar's trial...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Things are always bleak-looking aboard the Galactica, but by the Gods, they know how to party on the Pegasus!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Cheesy BSG Pick-Up Lines: "Ladies, I sure hope there's a resurrection ship close by cuz' I've died and gone to heaven!"

Best of mega
Their planet dying, the tiny inhabitants of Zorlock-14 departed in one gigantic rocket ship to find the perfect new place to live, and hit paydirt.

Best of ochagirl
It has four speeds: cruise, hyper speed, warp drive, and blast off.

(It's a plastic phallic-shaped object among a crowd of women; NOT making a vibrator joke would be a crime.)

Best of Steve O
You there...second from the right. Yes, you. Take your shirt off please, and hand it to the girl on the end.

Thanks.

Nom Nom Nom

1. Don't you hate it when you go to a party and there just aren't enough chairs?

2. "Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah, I'm so hot... Hey! are they serving canapes over there?"

3. "Yeah, it's pretty nice, but not as nice as Chelsea Clinton's."

4. "O.K., but tonight *I* get to be the dog and you have to be Natalie Portman."

5. Contrary to what we all believed, the Bush administration apparently *can* organize an orgy in a brothel with a fistful of fifties.

Best of shoechick
Cherry celebrates her new position on Spitzer's "staff".

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hang on tight, Babe, these pants are slippery...and about to become more so."

Best of Jonathan
"Think of my Happy Place! Think of my Happy Place!", repeated a distressed John Edwards.

Best of curly
Try as she might, Brooke was unable to get Joe aroused without her bacon bra.

Best of curly
Seeing skid marks all over his trousers, Joe denounced Brooks as just another “damn Sheryl Crow follower.”

Best of Army of Mom
The GOP lapdance fundraiser was a huge hit.

Best of Army of Mom
When Army of Dad learned how aggressive the cologne spritzers at Macy's were, he was there every day.

Best of Seoulman (R)
I love you honey, but we really do need to buy another chair.

Best of Seoulman (R)
She wanted him in a way only a woman could know. He wanted her in a way only a man could know. Together they wanted each other in a way that only they could know.

From - Armchair Swinger, wherever Lonely Heart romances are sold.

Best of curly
Nothing was quite as embarrassing as going to the furniture store with Brooke and Joe.

No Caption Just This

Van Helsing

Best of Jack Reacher
Back side of sign:
Watch him get his ass kicked by tattooed, red-headed chick.

Best of Submariner
Guess which sign-holder has a reserved parking spot in Berkeley and win a global warming T-shirt.

Best of Submariner
Guess which sign-holder has a hard drive packed with gay pron and win a date with Andrew Sullivan.

Best of curly
Don't you mean 'terrorism', you dumbass? Does the extra 'r' stand for 'retard' or 'reality challenged'?

Best of Adjustah
"Fat, drunk and unable to spell is no way to go through life, son..."

World's Toughest Man Contest... Sponsored by Wendy's

1. And now, some womyn who don't feel oppressed by traditional gender roles.

2. "John! (punch) Edwards! (punch) Is! (punch) Good!"

3. DONKEE PUNCH: UR DOIN IT WRONG

4. DNC convention organizers consulted with Fox to find a way to make delegate floor-fights as interesting to the viewing public as possible.

5. During the Winter months, Heat Miser indulges his passion for Coed Ultimate Fighting.

Best of Chrees
A still from the live-action version of "The Incredibles," with Pink playing the role of Syndrome.

Best of The Man
Season 7 of 24 opened up with 4 episodes that were nothing but female cage matches. Ratings have never been higher.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Everyone knows when Pippy Longstocking has PMS

Best of Seoulman (R)
Float like a butterfly
Got to sit to pee

Best of lawhawk
The newest Wendy's ad campaign got off to a shaky start.

Best of Army of Mom
The latest Midol commercial was highly effective among the 18-25 cagefighting lesbian demographic.

Best of Army of Mom
Oz ratings escalated when the prisoners all became sex-crazed lesbians.

Best of Submariner
You.WILL.Give.Me.A.Moment.To.Tell.You.About.Ron.Paul...

Best of curly
Joan’s recipe for ‘pounded bacon-wrapped breast’ failed to win the Betty Crocker Bake-Off Classic, but did receive an honorable mention at the Folsom Street Fair.

Best of shoechick
I. Can't. Believe. You. Did. This. To. My. Hair.

This is the last time I visit SuperCuts.

Best of attmay
I!
Am!
Not!
Little!
Orphan!
Annie!

Yeah, it's a dog relieving itself on Natalie Portman

Sondra K

1. "And this is for Attack of the Clones. How do you like me now, Miss "I love the water'?"

2. "It's OK. After working with Hayden Christensen, I'm used to it."

3. Rex responds to the command, "Do what George Lucas did to the Star Wars franchise."

4. Rex responds to the command, "Do what John McCain does to conservative principles."

5. If you thought Fox had hit bottom with Who's Your Daddy, wait until you see When Animals Pee on Celebrities.

6. "I am never letting R Kelly dog sit for me again!"

7. Rex responds to the command, "Do what the bitter typical white American waffle cook did in Barack Obama's 'maple' syrup."

8. Creepily, half the male CapThis regulars are thinking, "I'd still lick her boots."

9. "I'd say it's time to put Old Yeller down. Fetch my Hello Kitty assault rifle."

10. "No big. Yoda did exactly the same thing between takes."

Best of Double the U
BAD DOG!, BAD DOG! Not here! Wait until we get home and I am naked.

Best of Capt. Queeg
NOT REX BOI DOG WUD HUMP LEG

Best of Jack Reacher
"In the bottle! Pee in the bottle!" It was always difficult getting Rex's monthly drug test completed.

Best of Army of Dad
Oh yeah she is a cute girl...FOR ME TO POOP ON!

Best of GregMan
"Toto, NO! We're not on Folsom Street anymore!"

Best of GregMan
"Next on Fox, When Good Dogs Pee On Bad Actresses!"

Best of Van Helsing
"I named him Barack. He's just giving me what I deserve for being a typical white person."

Best of Seoulman (R)
How to get a leg up in the entertainment industry

Best of Submariner
ORA: It came as no surprise that the pup's name was "Jay Sherman."

Best of Army of Mom
Hey wait a minute. You're not some Chinese toddler and I'm not your mom! This is my actual juice bottle!

And in the morning, I'm making waffles...

Sondra K

1. "OMG! Waffles taste SO AWESOME when you're BAKED!"

2. "These are pretty good, but you should taste the ones Andrew Sullivan makes me in the morning."

3. "Hey! Tell your droid to back off! I'm trying to eat, here."

4. "B.O, it's ironic that you have that kind of grin on your face, considering the cook here never washes his hands after using the toilet."

5. "No secret. We just use Aunt Jemi... I mean, Hungry Jack! Yes, Hungry Jack, that's the waffle mix we use."

6. "So, how do you like your waffles?" "Hey! Don't throw those kinds of 'gotcha' questions at me!"

7. "You should know, Anointed One, Hillary offered me thirty pieces of silver to betray you."

8. "I'm not used to having fresh milk in the morning. It tends to curdle under Michelle's withering glare."

9. "See, Barack, I told you this was the perfect restaurant for you and your supporters...Snooters!"

10. "Man, these must be Bill Ayers Waffles... so bad, not even The Man can keep them down."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I know... it's hard to get down... Just pretend it's a sort of poor-man's quiche."

Best of curly
“It’s the ‘OJ Simpson Special’: bloody sausages and a glass of orange juice, served by a waitress wearing gloves that are too small.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ATDHE alert
"What, no chicken?"

Best of Submariner
ATDHE alert
"Where's my watermelon?"

Best of andthenblammo!
"So, is that a gun bitterly clinging to your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

Best of Seoulman (R)
This week on sneak previews, we will look at a remake of Dumb and Dumber

Best of mega
"It's a Jukebox. It's sort of like an iPod, except it has very limited capacity and weighs 300 pounds... Just like a typical Pennsylvania voter. (chuckle)"

Best of Double the U
Barack, thanks for playing that song, now how do I get "jiggy wid it?"

Best of ThatGayConservative
Then he took the waffle, broke it and gave it to his disciples. He said "This is my body which was dipped in imitation maple syrup for you. Eat it in remembrance of me."

Best of curly
♫ My waffles bring all the Senators to the yard, and they're like, its better than yours, damn right its better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. ♪

Three Butt-Ugly Dudes

Van Helsing

1. Hillary was incensed. "Chelsea Reno Clinton, you get away from those John Edwards supporters right this instant!"

2. Incensed by Bill Richardson's betrayal, Hillary required all of her operatives to wear "SPIC" T-shirts for a month.

3. "Wow! You are, like, the nicest guys I've ever been pimped out to."

4. "See, smiles are contagious... much like herpes, chlamydia and hepatitis C. By the way, Rick, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

5. "No guys, it's cool. I've been comfortable with the gay thing ever since I was twelve years old and walked in on George Stephanopoulos blowing James Carville in the Rose Garden."

Wicked Best of mklasing
Chelsea misunderstood her mom's instructions to convert Obama supporters to her "team."

Best of Submariner
Double the U
If you two are not grabbing my ass, who is?

...Mom?!?

Best of duke of red
"Yes they're real, and they're specTACULAR!" Chelsea referred to the two boobs.

Best of Seoulman (R)

We three queens of Orient are
Pimped out by mom
We travelled so far
From DC to San Fran
Nowhere a man
Picking us up at a bar

Best of Seoulman (R)
Contestant number one: for ten thousand dollars and the trip to Hawaii...

Which of the people in this picture was, in high school, nicknamed "Pimped Out Princess"

.... Oh, I am sorry, the correct answer was all of them.

Best of ThatGayConservative
Is this some sort of Transgender 3 Card Monty type thing?

Best of curly
“This isn't the only pearl necklace I'll be wearing before the night is over.”

Best of curly
“Do you two have interns?”…“No, just AIDS.”

Best of Chrees
"Mom made me stop wearing the NIG shirt after the 3am commercial."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Just a quick photo, then we have to run, darling. Absolutely Fabulous comes on in ten minutes."

Buzz Lightbeer

Sondra K

1. "Waiter, this Chardonnay has the most deplorable nose."

2. "When you smoke as much crack as I do, your pee looks like this."

3. I don't wanna say Barack Hussein Obama is a light weight, but one sip of Schlitz Lite and Greta Van Susteren was looking good to him.

4. Samuel Adams - Always a good choice. Barack Hussein Obama - Not so much.

5. "There! I choked down some of your crappy beer. Do you stupid bitter small-town hicks like me now?"

6. "Am I masturbating under the table? Guilty as charged."

7. ORA: "OK, Londo, now that we've had a couple of drinks, introduce me to the hot Centauri chick sitting behind me."

8. It's hard to believe something so weak can leave such a bitter aftertaste and . But, enough about his debate performance...

9. "I was sure John Edwards was going to serve me tequila, the way he always goes on about 'swallowing the worm.'"

10. "So, what shall we toast, the glorious proletarian revolution, the victory of jihad over Zionism, or my personal favorite, killing whores?"

Best of metalgarth
Carl decided that Duff Dark was much better than Duff Lite, Duff Dry, Raspberry Duff and Tartar Control Duff.

Best of curly
Must. Not. Extend. Pinky. Finger.

Best of Submariner
When challenged about his Messiah-hood, he was only able to turn water into Stroh's bache.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Much like his wife, Obama refuses to swallow.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Clinging to his bitters.

Best of mklasing
After only an ounce of beer, BO breaks into his Cosby Jell-O Pudding Pops impersonation.

Best of Mr. Right
Guess who had to buy everyone a round after the "beer frame"...

Best of Jack Reacher
"True, the beer is half the size of the ones you used to enjoy, but trust me; you'll get used to getting by with less. Which brings me to my tax plan..."

Best of Steve O
Hmmm... a little bitter...
not much of a head...
not pale but not dark either...

It's a new kind of beer.

Best of Steve O
Obama, in a bid to impress Pennyslvanians, shows his ability to hold his booze by downing over six beers over a two hour period.

Best of lawhawk
Once again, Hillary makes him look like a lightweight.

Best of ThatGayConservative
"It'll get ya drunk! You'll be f**king fat girls in no time! You might even fight a ni**er or two! Mmmm, mmmm bitch!!"
Samuel Jackson... always a GOOD choice.

Hey! Remember this guy?

Brender

1. John Edwards was happy to sign an autograph for the Obama supporter.

2. Emperor Palpatine looked great after he started using Edwards's stylist and make-up people.

3. "I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine."

4. "A class-action lawsuit against Big Ammonium Nitrate for the deaths of hundreds of Arab youths? I'm so there!"

5. "So, that's fourteen tubes of 'Sassy, Classy, Bouncin' and Behavin' Post-Conditioner' and two cases of 'Soft as Daisy Kisses' hand lotion. Oh, and see if Elizabeth wants anything, too."

Wicked Best of Seoulman (R)
A little known Sharia rule states that a woman may talk with John Edwards without a chaperone with no threat of stoning.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sorry Hillary, I'm still backing Obama so please stop sneaking in to see me."

Best of Double the U
Yes Dark Lord I will do as you... wait you are not Darth Vadar!

Best of Seoulman (R)
Really you too?! I used to be a Breck Girl until my husband threatened to stone me.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Would you like to buy a box of Jihad Scout cookies and send a bomber to heaven?

Best of shoechick
See, right here are the instructions: Lather, rinse, repeat.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh.. you got anything without lamb?"

Best of Submariner
Why is the Silky Pony campaigning in Dearborn again?

Best of metalgarth
Lenny thought it was just Apu's wife until... (KA-BOOM!)

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Asha, on seven across... what's a three-letter word beginning with 'f' that means 'prissy and flamboyant'?"

Best of curly
“I appreciate your moslem garb -- I wish all women had the decency to cover their disgusting feminine features.”

Ted Bundy Middle School Holds a Science Fair

Ace

(Kind of busy today, so I'm treating this target-rich environment as a free-for-all)

Best of mklasing
Little Timmy Spitzer lashes out as a result of his father's controversy.

Best of mklasing
Timmy was upset when his Iranian classmate won first place for Killing Homos.

Best of Rodney Dill
"... and whore's never learn when to pull out of a Democrat Presidential bid either."

Best of Tremor
Killing them is the easy part, the hard part is getting Don Corleone to take care of the body for you...

Best of Submariner
Jack would also freely admit he wanted to become an apothecary in White Chapel...

Best of mega
By the time the State of California decided to assess the impact of Islamic Awareness Week and Dress-Like-A-Moslem Day in the elementary school curriculum, it was clear to most Californians that the effort had been an unqualified success.

Best of Seoulman (R)
The PTA suspected that little Billy Spitzer had help from his recently divorced mother.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Liberal groups were concerned until they realized how much rubber and plastics the whores were using without recycling

Best of Steve O
At first the school principal was skeptical of his project. But as long as he didn't draw any pictures of a gun, or hug any girls, it was ok.

Bummer Dude

1. "David Beckham would be all mine if it weren't for that Posh bitch."

2. "So, my choices for president really are McCain, Obama, or Hillary?"

3. Billy just realized that the harsh mathematics of a polygamy cult means he's going to be cast out right around the time puberty hits.

4. "Ennui... I'm open!"

5. It's a bummer to be the only kid in the seventh grade Debra LaFave hasn't hit on.

Best of Jack Reacher
Finding a photo of your hairy, fat, Speedo-wearing father online, posing with guns, can be quite unsettling. Dave needed time alone.

Best of lawhawk
He's the very model of a Barack Obama bitter American.

Best of Seoulman (R)
I can't believe she touched me.... I think it was a touch.... A slap is a touch, right?

Best of prince of leaves
"WE'R IN UR LAVA LAMP, LAFFIN AT UR ENNUI" -- Somehow, lolseamonkeys never quite caught on as an internet gag.

Best of prince of leaves
Thought bubble: "I never would have done it if I had known a kitten would die..."

Best of racerboy
Billy experiences conflicting feelings of disgust and jealousy on discovering his mom's collection of "adult novelties"

Best of mklasing
"One day I'll go to Waco and I'll build a big house, and stock it with lots of guns and stupid women, and then I'll show them!"

Best of Chrees
Sex. Drugs. Soccer. Yet I feel so... empty. God help me, I'm turning European.

Best of Adjustah
Unbeknown to Dumbledore, Harry would often relieve stress by getting lit on Peach Schnapps and trying to blow up jars of sea-monkeys with his mind...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Engorgio. Engorgio! ENGORGIO!!!" Harry tried and tried, but could never quite get the hang of the Permanenta Viagarus spell.

Goth With the Wind

1. Even the FLDS Polygamy Cult was not immune from Goth Culture.

2. "My parents are just damn lucky the Feds confiscated my Hello Kitty assault rifle," thought the little girl.

3. "Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!... Damn!... Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!... Damn!..."

4. "For Satan's sake, mom, we're never going to get to the Black Mass if you keep stopping over every subway grate. Mom? Mom?"

5. Cthulu holds his annual Cotillion.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I think the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine should tail these folks for awhile.

Best of Whacko
Brother Nathan and two of his older wives out for a stroll.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
At night, busy, unlit intersections and Darwinism takes care of most of these freaks.

Best of Jonathan
Dick Cheney's oil demons, circa 1650.


Best of Van Helsing
Gloomy people do well to remember: The family that weeps together, keeps together. Or is it, The family that walks around in a daze together, stays together? Or maybe: The family that acts weird together, adheres together…

Best of Double the U
I am so embarrassed by my mother... she is smiling again isn't she?

Best of Seoulman (R)
I'm too sexy for my grave

Best of prince of leaves
Springtime means campus visits from prospective students and their families, and Miskatonic University is no exception.

And also, Let the Holy Grail References Begin

Brender

1. ORA: Sargon opens himself to a multi-million quatloo sexual harassment suit.

2. SP ORA: With his internet finally restored, Randy Marsh is once again able to access Medieval Spherical Object Gang Bang Pr0n.

3. Number 4 in the list of "Top Ten Ways to Get a Lifetime Ban from your local Bowling Alley."

4. When melons go really, really bad.

5. Wearing a miniature Death Star on your groin is one good way to distract people from your hideous mullet.


Best of duke of red
Help, Help, I'm being repressed!

Best of shoechick
It's only a flesh wound.

Best of Jack Reacher
Now we see the violence inherent in the system.

Best of curly
Ellen DeGeneres soon discovered that her ‘one really huge bellybutton ring to rule them all’ shtick wasn’t cutting it at the Renaissance Faire .

Best of Silhouette
Sir Hurts-a-lot.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Games You Can Play Only Once:
Catapult Dodgeball

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"You were supposed to throw the Holy Hand-grenade after THREE!"

Best of curly
“It really burns when I piss!” Dating Lady Brittany Spears was a real challenge to the art of leechcraft.

Best of Whacko
The French soldier's taunt to 'f*rt in his general direction', resulted in two unpleasent surprises;
1) The f*rt had consideralbe more mass then expected and,
2) For a Frenchman, his aim was quite accurate.

Best of attmay
"Scalpin' tickets to Spamalot, eh? I don't think so, buddy!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Well I was able to dodge the wrench."

Best of Rodney Dill
Do Not Taunt Happy Ton Ball

Best of Submariner
Good thing I didn't tell him to keep his EYE on the ball...

Best of Mr. Right
Magic 8 Ball: "Signs point to eunuch"

Best of Mr. Right
"You fool! The Palantír of Orthanc must never be used as a hacky sack!"

Wet

1. "Tonight's forecast... windy and wet." Channel 7's weather reports have come a long way, baby!

2. Yes, but was she rode hard?

3. There is such a thing as female ejaculation... and then there's Hillary.

4. 'Ow to speak Australian: "Spit Take"

5. Client No. 13: Aquaman. Prince of Atlantis and notorious premature ejaculator.

Best of Army of Mom
Never tell me a joke with Sprite in my mouth.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The billboard ad for new "Bust-A-Nut" soda had the community in an uproar.

Bes of Army of Mom
Judging by how wet she is, she has DEFINITELY met my husband.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
What a coincidence, I have that output.

Best of Chrees
Ratings for American Idol went even higher when they changed the manner in which the loser was revealed.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Jennifer's pet peeve: Overzealous perfume-sample girls.

Best of racerboy
Usually I see golden retrievers going nuts after the sprinkler, but I suppose black labs have to have their day too...

Best of GOP & College
When it rains it whores.

Best of Steve O
Then the riot police responded with Weapons of Mass Turbation.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Andy Rooney: Have you ever noticed that there are no washers or dryers in women's prison movies.

Best of Submariner
I dunno what all the fuss is over waterbroading

Hold This

Sondra K

1. ENNUI. UR DOING IT WRONG.

2. To add interest to Cleveland Indian Games, a hot naked chick now breast-farts the national anthem.

3. "Hey! What's that fat little kid doing in my T-shirt?"

4. "Eat your heart out, Angela Merkel."

5. Q. How is this Thursday babe like a reporter assigned to the Clinton-Obama debate? A. They're both covering a couple of boobs.

Best of metalgarth
I CAN MAAK CAPCHUN THIS UNSAFE 4 WURK

Best of curly
“Here's the church, and here's the steeple. Open the door and see my nipple!” Penthouse has the best nursery rhymes.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"It's a little chilly in here... Can someone please bring me some bacon?"

Best of Submariner
Don't you just HATE when they don't serve the snacks right away at parties?

Eye Bleach! Where's the Damn Eye Bleach!

Army of Mom

1, Laid off from the mill, small-town Pennsylvanian Wayne Dean Caprolski clings to his guns and his tight, tight speedoes.

2. Andrew Sullivan re-imagined as heavy-metal survivalist.

3. A new day of sexuality equality dawns on Cap This as shoechick, ochagirl, and Army of Mom can now be the target of "Your prom date is Here" captions.

4. The Brady Campaign distributes this picture whenever gun control legislation comes up in Congress.

5. When Wayne Dean took his own testicles hostage, the police unanimously voted not to negotiate.


Best of Two Dogs
Holy Christ, where did you get this, who in mortal Hell took the photo and why, and why do you hate humanity?

Best of divine miss m
Proof that Neanderthals used tools after all.

Best of Jack Reacher
Memo to Match.com: Sometimes it's NOT okay to look.

Best of Silhouette
It's not the hot bod or the ammo or even the rock star guitars that turn me on the most. It's that he still sleeps in a toddler bed.

Best of curly
The beefy biker boffed a box of bitter bullets. If the beefy biker boffed a box of bitter bullets, how many bitter bullets did the beefy biker boff?

Best of Chrees
Send lawyers, guns and barf bags...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hold back men, he's got a hostage... A teeny, tiny, purple-helmeted hostage."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The only thing saving the wall behind me from displaying my brain matter is the fact he's not wearing a bacon bikini.

Best of Adjustah
"Hey, why has nobody responded yet to my Facebook friend requests???"

Best of attmay
OSRA*: "My eyes! The Goggles do nothing!"

* Obligatory Simpsons Reference Alert

Best of ochagirl
If you need me, I'll be waiting for the technicolor van that takes me to the pacifist lesbian commune.

Best of mklasing
Unfortunately for Obama, Bruiser is one of the Pennsylvania Superdelegates.

Best of GregMan
Man, Barack Hussein Obama has really let himself get bitter...

Best of jeff
Obi Wan: "I just heard a million voices scream in terror, 'Pull the trigger, pull the trigger!'"

Now That's What I Call Feminine Protection

Timmah!!!

1. "Crap, it's jammed, get me the Power-Puff Bolt-Action."

2. The Army prepares for the end of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" under President Obama.

3. Something tells me "Hello Kitty" industries made a huge deposit into Jack Murtha's Swiss bank account.

4. ORA: One day with the Mary Kay Commandoes left R. Lee Ermey a shattered, broken man.

5. I bet when he yells "Pull!" someone chucks a Smurf into the air.

Best of metalgarth
ORA: Nibblonian arms dealers had real problems selling the wares after the debacle of the Scooty Puff Jr.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"It's long, pink and rigid and never fires blanks... Hey, what's that you're holding?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hello Kitty clings to her bitterness.

Best of shoechick
This one is long, pink and hard and NEVER disappoints.

Best of shoechick
Say hello to my little kitty.

Best of shoechick
You should see the Dora the Explorer grenades.

Best of Jack Reacher
"You can have my Hello Kitty rifle when you pry it from my manicured fingers...oh, and replace it with a Hello Kitty toaster."

Best of Adjustah
Once they realized that Mac was color-blind, Producers starting having some fun during the filming of Future Weapons.

Best of curly
If guns are sissified, then only sissies will have guns.

Best of prince of leaves
"That's nothing," sniffed Ted Nugent. "You should see my 'Family Circus' 50-cal..."

"No, Governor Rendell, I Don't Know What that Growth Is and I Suggest you consult a Urologist"

NRO

Best of curly
“You see what I mean? I haven’t been able to get an erection since I saw your mother without her makeup!”

Best of Seoulman (R)
I thought everyone in your family was a chubby chaser

Best of Chrees
"Honey, we need to talk about what I cling to when I'm bitter"

Best of The Man
Your approval ratings, something you stepped in, the plight of the working man. I give up, what are you trying to show me and why is your zipper down?

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yes, I see your point, Governor, and it's a perky little one."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Chelsea! I'm open!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"'Scuse me, Chelsea... My eyes are up here."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Very Un-P.C. South Park ORA:
When An Elephant Makes Love To A Pig

Best of racerboy
I know you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and twisted? (But enough about Dennis Kucinich)

Best of racerboy
Let me guess, you've been up all night watching pronos and eating Cheetos, right?

Best of racerboy
You seem to have missed Step 1 - Get a box.

Hey, Look... Merkelboobs!

floranista

1. "They aren't boobs. My conjoined twin is mooning you."

2. "... And then when globalization and outsourcing became all the rage, Germany naturally allied itself with Iran and Hamas to finish up some projects that we started but never quite, um, completed."

3. "What do you mean I look like a French whore? Do I look French to you?"

4. "Because my Oklahoma T-shirt is in the laundry, that's why."

5. "So, is that a tan line, or do you have some kind of 'Borg Queen' thing going on?"

Best of Van Helsing
"I seem to have dropped an hors d'oeuvre. Would you mind rolling up your sleeve?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Merkie's perkies.

Best of curly
“While Hitler represented the Third Reich, I represent the Fourth Rack.”

Best of curly
“My mistake, Madam Merkel; I thought you were Elton John.”

Best of Seoulman (R)
Do you have a kleenex? I just sneezed in my hand.

Best of Chrees
"Dear, your breasts are threatening to take over Switzerland."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Ever since Dubya rubbed my shoulders, I've felt so...perky."

Best of divine miss m
Standard Cap #62: Leave it to Cleavage.

Best of prince of leaves
"If you zink my brusts are beeg now, you should'ave zeen my adam's apple before I joined zee East German svim team."

Hilldog Unleashes Air Biscuit

Van Helsing

1. "Now, *that* my dear, is a queef!"

2. "Ya like that? Wait 'til Chavez gets a whiff of *my* sulfur!"

3. Much like Saddam Hussein, Hillary uses gas warfare on her own subjects.

4. "Oh, stop crying you dough-faced skank. You knew it was just a one-night stand."

5. "Thanks for the donation, Primat. You can be assured once I am president, the human race will surrender to Remulak with little resistance."

Best of Rodney Dill
DRUDGEBREAKING: Drama Queen, Hillary Clinton's 'Tear Coach' has been identified. Developing

Best of shoechick
I CAN HAZ UR PANTIES?

Best of Double the U
"...It is my manifesto... or should I say womynifesto"

Best of Seoulman (R)
After hearing Hillary Clinton (D*mn) speak, her last paid plant at the rally handed in her resignation in order to work for B. Hussain Obama (Dumb)

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Please, Hillary! I'm loyal!... Stop your scan, you're hurting me! The Corps is mother! The Corps is father!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Beth's once-in-a-lifetime meeting with a presidential candidate... ruined by a single snot bubble.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Sometimes... When I get nervous... I put my hands under my armpits, then smell them like this..."

Best of Chrees
"I may be a Senator, but I can't get you custody of the kids back from KFed until you clean up your act."

Best of ochagirl
"I've done all you've asked of me, Mrs. Clinton. Please release my chihuahuas", sobbed the girl in the beanie.

Let the Blazing Saddles References Begin

OK, Maybe it was Metalgarth

1. "Howdy, ma'am. Understand you been havin' troubles with bitter, unemployed religious nuts who own guns. Reckon, I'll get right on that right after I fetch myself a latte from the saloon."

2. "Well, I'm off to Garth Brooks's fundraiser. You don't wanna know what I wore to Elton John's fundraiser."

3. "Yuh say Miz Hillary cheated you out of a $1,000 worth o' cattle, then sold 'em for $100,000? Gee, that's too bad."

4. "Spaghetti Western? No, more of a Whole Foods imported organic vermicelloni western."

5. "What do you mean I'm supposed to wear pants under the butt-less leather chaps?"

Best of Double the U
Am I wearing this hat correctly you dumb hick?

Best of curly
“I’m wearing this hat because my friends from the Weather Underground predict a chance of rain.”

Best of Shayne
"You'd do it for Randolph Scott!"

Best of Mr. Right
"Hey, where the white women at?"
"Sorry, Barry, they're all over at the Hillary Clinton rally in Lancaster County today."

Best of Rodney Dill
Mongo like Condi

Best of schmedlap
I think he's saying "the new Sheriff is near..."

Best of GregMan
"Where the typical white people at?"

Best of Seoulman (R)
All of the town's grandmothers quaked in fear as the strange black man rode into town.

Best of shoechick
Howdy partners, can any of you nice fellers tell me where I can find that white woman from Oklahoma? I have a stimulus package to deliver to her.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Please baby, seven is my limit on schnitzengruber"

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

1. "It's agreed, the Magic Negro gets "fostered" at the next rally."

2. "Why do you smell like bacon?" "Why do *you* smell like bacon?"

3. You know, Hill, these moments would seem a lot more tender if you would stop calling me "attention-grabbing, media-whoring bastard" under your breath.

4. "Man, say what you will about Dennis Kucinich but his brownies are *awesome*"

5. "When I snap my fingers, you will cluck like a chicken."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Remember--you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!"

Best of Submariner
We title this one; "Monica and Ellen kneeling just out of frame..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Chelsea's out working that money-maker for you right now."

Best of Submariner
Whispered; "You'll NEVER get them back if you keep wearing that 'Obama 08' lapel pin to my rallies..."

Best of prince of leaves
At the Marriages of Political Convenience Conference in D.C. this week, Bill and Hillary Clinton demonstrate the zero-contact hover-kiss/hover-hug, their signature public display of faux affection.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Bill still makes me tingle, kind of the way seeing a dead rat floating in the toilet first thing in the morning does

Best of curly
“Is that a bitter hillbilly gun clinging to the inside of your pocket, or did Monica Lewinsky just walk in the room?”

Best of Army of Mom
I'm too sexy for my wife, too sexy for my wife, wife's going to leave me ....

Best of Chrees
"I don't think any less of you since you didn't achieve what I did. Mainly because I didn't think that much of you to start with."

Best of Van Helsing
"No one will believe a woman could have released an air biscuit of such pungency. They'll blame it on Obama."

Boxed In

Kim Du Toit

1. Only 9 months until Obama's inauguration. Shop early to claim one of the *good* cardboard boxes.

2. "I came to San Francisco for the generous welfare benefits. I stayed for the affordable housing."

3. Transmorgrifier malfunctions.

4. "Invest in Bear Stearns at 60, you said. Nowhere to go but up, you said..."

5. While Glenn Reynolds and Michelle Malkin enjoy lavish estates, most bloggers have more modest lifestyles.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Whoah, Larry... Next time you use my box for that, how about a courtesy flush?"

Best of Double the U
Amazingly enough they were able to get the cardboard boxes and their contents through security.

Best of prince of leaves
"I guess that non-refundable, non-transferrable ticket on ATA we got through Priceline wasn't such a good deal after all, eh?"

Best of Van Helsing
Under the Obama Administration, housing facilities will be made equal for everyone.

Best of curly
“Relax, we’re at the airport. Tap your toes long enough and a US Senator is bound to come around and investigate.”

Best of curly
Visit willworkforfood.com for franchise opportunities near you!

Best of Jack Reacher
Two people who will be looking for a personal word with "Mr. Priceline Negotiator."

Best of Mr. Right
After a long, trying day at the airport, Gallant was just happy to find someplace to lay his weary head for the night.
Goofus kept complaining that this wasn't what he had in mind when he fantasized about sticking his head into a tight little box all night long.

Best of Chrees
"I always dreamed of owning a million dollar home in Palo Alto. I guess I thought it would be a little bigger."

Best of metalgarth
ORA: Corrugated cardboard? LUXURY!

Retro Saturday

Detroit News

1. "And the weather in Stepford today, partly cloudy and cooler..."

2. "And not only are those typical white people in small town Pennsylvania a bunch of armed, cracker religious nuts," Obama continued. "They don't even have color TV."

3. "Mild weather dominates the East Coast, while a fleet of giant asterisks wreaks havoc on the upper Midwest."

4. Should I tell him the ravenous earwig is about to enter his auditory canal? No, he'd just get angry with me.

5. "And the answer to yesterday's trivia question, 'Florida.' Florida is the only state shaped like a penis."

Wicked Best of Son Of The Godfather
"So that's the new border in the Absolut ad campaign... Frankly Barbara, I say f*ck 'em."

Best of curly
America’s asterisks have come home to roost.

Best of curly
“…and in other news, my shipment of heroin is currently off the coast of South Carolina.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Borrowing from Curly: "And we both stay happy and mellow with heroin, known on the street as 'MILD H'."

Best of curly
“…and remember: no two asterisks are ever the same.”

Best of Army of Dad
Biggest. Dandruff Flakes. Ever.

Best of prince of leaves
Vicky's thought bubble: "Sure, you just keep feeling me up on camera, Steve...one day, I'm going to break through that glass ceiling, and when I do, I'm going to take one of the jagged shards in my bare hands and gut you like a fish."

Best of Seoulman (R)
"If you think the midwest is frigid, you haven't met my wife"

Best of Submariner
What Judy MEANT to say was that you can expect high winds pushing south from Canada, bringing flurries; NOT "watch for a clold, wet blow job from the north tonight."

Best of Submariner
"...and tonight's weather word is frottage. Have a great evening, we will."

Best of Mr. Right
"...And as you should all be able to tell from those little points in the front of Marie's sweater, a massive cold front just moved through the Channel 7 viewing area tonight..."

Best of mklasing
After TattleTales was cancelled Burt Convey had a short stint as a weatherman before he finally couldn't take it anymore and simply shot himself.

Pimped Out Again

Divine Miss M

Best of Seoulman (R)
Whiny protest kabuki theater quickly died as an art form

Best of Jack Reacher
"And you say it doesn't have to be ironed? Mom will love that!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
...So I will wear bacon in protest.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
...And somebody peed in my applejuice.

Best of Rodney Dill
...but all I got was lousy spiritual advice from Rev. Wright.

Best of curly
“It didn’t require the whole f’ing village this time!”

Best of Submariner
Hey Chelsea, why the long face? Oh...

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together

McDirty

1. "All right, Mr. Subby, now, how do you want your eggs?"

2. European women are advised on new techniques to avoid Islamic rape gangs.

3. Is there anything better to wake up than the sound of titsling bacon?

4. There's something totally not kosher about this pic.

5. Maylene is *way* beyond the "peanut butter on the labia" thing.

Best of Submariner
Bacon, Bacon, BACON!
Only one thing smells like bacon, and that's - WHOA! - BOOBIES!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
What a coincidence, I ate that outfit!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
A horny Ishmael Rabinowitz faces a dilema

Best of Adjustah
"You mean like this, Mr. Shatner?"

Best of curly
At least the broads from Bacon Not Bombs were patriotic enough to avoid using Canadian bacon.

Best of curly
America’s chitlins come home to roost.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Carol Brady suggested alternative ways that Alice could attract Sam's attention.

Best of Army of Mom
I can bring home the bacon
Fry it up in a pan
and never never never let you forget you're a man

Does anyone else remember the Enjoli commercial?

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I have this outfit in my refrigerator - minus the little boobs.

Best of curly
I’m not surprised to see bitter, racist bacon clinging to her guns with a religious furor.

Best of prince of leaves
When he learned how breakfast was served at this restaurant, Sully moved to a table with a hot waiter and ordered three sides of sausage.

Sickest Thing I've Ever Posted? Possibly.

6 D's of B

1. The Japanese have invented a car that runs on the urine of young boys. It's called the Barney Frankmobile.

2. Math isn't the only thing this kid is a whiz at.

3. "One minute, Sullivan-san. We make special by-request A-number-one screwdriver for you!"

4. "Thank you, robotic, human-form, urine collection unit."

5. Japan's favorite midget pr0n star prepares for a "fluffing."

Best of Submariner
Nothin' ta be seein' here folks; just getting ready for the Folger's taste test to "see if anyone notices." Please ta be movin' along, now...

Best of curly
“I sure hope my bosses at the China Milk Exporting Company don’t discover that we’ve substituting piss for lead.”

Best of Van Helsing
The Japanese sure are on the cutting edge of the recycling craze.

Best of curly
“You’re just like your father John McCain: small d!ck, will drop your pants in a heartbeat, and can’t even take a piss without help.”

Best of Chrees
"Evacuation comple... Evacuation com... Evacu..."

Best of Seoulman (R)
Fast cars, fast women, being half-naked in public, peeing wherever you want... This is a man's dream come true


Best of Son Of The Godfather
We title this picture: "Well, It's Cheaper Than Unleaded".


Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Look, it's a long, complicated, embarrassing story... Could you just remove it please?"

Best of curly
Since her drop in the polls, Hillary’s illegal contributions from overseas have come to a trickle.

Best of Steve O

If Japanese woman are as easily impressed as they seem to be, I'm moving there very soon.

Seeing the world through Dick Cheney's Sunglasses

SondraK

Wicked Best of Adjustah
"Sh*t, look at those oil demons go!"

Best of Seoulman (R)
The future's so Right, I got to wear shades

Best of curly
An issue never addressed in the movie “They Live”: what happens when the aliens themselves don the magical sunglasses?

Best of prince of leaves
"Hmm...Liz is out of town, I'm fishing on a private, well-stocked stream, there's a naked intern on the boat serving me martinis...the only thing missing from this perfect day is the nuclear football and the launch codes for Armageddon."

East and West Oklahoma

Subby

1. "S'cuse me ma'am... mind if I let my wind come sweepin' down your plain?"

2. All right, who ordered the Sooner for a Nooner?

3. Sorry gents, she's actually a member of that lesbian basketball team... the Okla-homos.

4. "Honey, you should sue whoever did that dye job," John Edwards snapped.

5. Google Earth's latest feature allows you to access high-res satellite imagery of T&A from anywhere on Earth. It's called 'Booble.'

Best of Jack Reacher
Senator Clinton looked down from the dais, and seemed to channel Howard Dean when she shouted "We're going to Oklahoma! Yee-argh!"

Best of Submariner
Andrew Sullivan was aroused by the pic, right up until he realized it wasn't the back view of a plumber...

Best of Kaptain Krude
She's got sunglasses on? Really? I'll just have to stare a little bit harder, er I mean a little bit longer, er I mean a little bit more. Yes, more.

Best of Chrees
No wonder I failed geography...I originally thought the great divide was west of Oklahoma.

Best of Seoulman (R)
All this time, I though Oklahoma was a flat state.

Best of Army of Dad
"..and then later I am going to show her my OOOOklahoma face."

Best of Army of Mom
Oh what a beautiful morning!

Best of Seoulman (R)
I'm too sexy for my state

Talkin' Baseball

1. "What do you say we hit the showers?"

2. "Yeah, speaking of 'popped flies,' it's Thursday, and SOTG just signed in."

3. A fresh, 21st century take on the old 'Who's on first?' routine.

4. Which movie is this? Field of Creams or Eight Men In-and-Out?

5. ♫ "I don't care if I never get back..." ♫

Best of Rodney Dill
"That finger smells like Who?"
"First Base!"

Best of Double the U
By "safe" I meant are you STD free and by "out" I meant "out of the closet."

Best of Seoulman (R)
What to you mean I have to wrestle you in a tub of jello to get a touchdown? I'm sure that isn't how you play basketball.

Best of Submariner
...and I thought our game against the "Chicago White Sex" was a typo...

Best of Silhouette
So much for the "just think about baseball...just think about baseball" method.

Best of Chrees
"If you strip, they will come."

Best of Army of Mom
I believe in the soul, the c0ck, the pu55y, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pr0nography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

Best of ochagirl
Yer out! In this game we don't wear PVC, crotchless underwear! Have some decency ferpete'ssake!

Best of curly
"I feel undressed...Cheney's in the stands wearing his xray vision specs."

Best of Steve O
I was sorta interested in the game. Then I became more interested.
Then I became VERY interested!
...aaaand then suddenly I lost interest.