Monday, March 31, 2008

*You* Tell Him His Skirt Is Girly



1. "Hurling Michael Moore's Turds" is but one event in the Trans-Gendered Socialist Decathlon.

2. 'Ow to Speak Awlstralyun: "Loogie"

3. Steroid abuse has now been linked to goiters.

4. That's either a tiny man or a GINORMOUS potato.

5. After eating an entire cake, Mittens hocked up an enormous hairball, which her owner promptly tossed onto the neighbor's lawn.

Best of GOP & College
After running out of midgets, the Highland Games had to improvise.

Best of Silhouette
New this summer, the Gillette Boulder(TM). A bold shave for the bold man.

Best of shoechick
You should see what the guys look like when they throw paper and scissors, too.

Best of Van Helsing
"Roll the ball at the pins? That's for pussies!"

Best of Submariner
'Ow to Speak Awstraylian;
Tiddly-twinks

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Rectum? Damn near kilt 'im!

Best of Two Dogs
The talent portion of the Code Pink Beauty Pageant was ALWAYS the determining factor in the contest.

Best of duke of red
Ha! I always knew I'd find a picture of Bret Favre in a skirt.....On the other hand, his arms really look good...

Best of Arcticman Speaks!
To demonstrate his belief that, IF IT ISN'T SCOTTISH, THEN IT'S CRAP! Angus picked up a huge piece and shot-put it a record distance.

Best of Seoulman (R)
Proud Oregon mother to be practices for the the first "Throw Conventional Wisdom Out the Window" Competition

Best of attmay
The plans to make The Simpsons Movie in live-action were scrapped when they saw Ewan MacGregor's disastrous audition for Groundskeeper Willy.

Just Plane Scary


1. "Michael Moore, Rosie O'Donnell... one of you is going to have to move across the aisle."

2. A plane carrying Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain crashed on take-off today. Was anyone saved? Yes. America was saved.

3. "In the unlikely event of a whitewater landing... I mean, a water indictment... I mean... Oh, Hell just bend over and kiss your ass goodbye Vince Foster... I mean... "

4. "Mrs. Clinton, the pilot says the plane is unbalanced, and he wants you to move your cankles to the left side of the forward cabin."

5. "This flight will be getting underway as soon as Mr. Ching's check clears and we can afford jet fuel."

6. "Don't panic, Mrs. Clinton. When I said 'There's a bomb on board,' I meant the in-flight movie was Lions for Lambs."

7. "No, there is no first class section. My campaign plane reflects my ideal of a classless society. Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be in my private cabin getting a foot massage from a couple of Filipino 'flight attendants.'"

8. "How did that monster get off the wing and into the cabin?" A panicked John Lithgow wondered.

9. "Now, in the event of a crash landing in the mountains, some of you will be eaten by Mrs. Clinton."

10. "In the event of a water landing, scrotum-inflating man may be used as a flotation device."
Best of chunkstyle
Enough is enough! I've had it with these m*****f****** snakes on this m*****f****** plane!

Best of shoechick
I will sit down as soon as I can shake this giant booger off my finger.

Best of metalgarth
Rejected Family Guy throwaway gag: This is worse than the time when Hillary Clinton tried to redo the brief topless scene from the movie Airplane!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Quick let me in the cockpit... I once did a dead stick landing of a Sopwith Camel back during the Great War."

Best of Jack Reacher
"The in-flight meal will be served on genuine White House china...Don't ask."

Best of racerboy
"Does anyone here speak Jive?"

Best of Steve O
Senator Clinton tell listeners how she ripped the throat out of a sniper in Bosnia...

Best of prince of leaves
Famished and aroused, the Hive Queen gets a little too aggressive on the windup, and inadvertently drives her feeding hand right through the Ellen lookalike provided for "dinner".

Best of Submariner
Snukes on a Plane

I HAD A BERFDAY KAKE BUT I EATED IT

Happy Birthday Corbett

Jack Bauer

(TFTP - V the K's happy '24' substitute, Mondays on B4B)

1. Catnip munchies are the worst.

2. "A white cat eating a white cake with white frosting?" Dawn immediately alerts Al Sharpton and Jeremiah Wright to the blatant racism yet again on display at Cap This!

3. "What, nobody else wants any? Well, then, all I can say is 'Your loss, Mr. I'm-too-good-for -cake-the-cat-rubbed-his-ass on.'"

4. While Kari distracts the others with her colorful balloons and child-sized T-shirts, Mittens helps herself to the cake.

5. In the original version of "MacArthur Park," someone left the cake out and a cat ate it.

Best of Submariner
Nom, nom, nom >BURRRRRRP!< nom, nom...

Best of The Man
I CAN HAZ ME SUM TYP TOO DIABETEZ

Best of Army of Mom
Mmmm. Tastes like a stinky shoe. My favorite.

Best of Robert
I HAZ CAKES. I BARF ON UR BED.

Best of prince of leaves
An hour later, the yellow sign on the CapThis sidebar really came in handy.

"Feelings... Whoa Whoa Whoa Feelings..."


1. Hillary struggles to hide her bulge as her own daughter's rendition of "I Touch Myself" drives her almost mad with arousal.

2. "... and that is why I have decided to endorse Barack Obama."

3. "I got to say, after meeting mom's friends, if she wins, I am putting my entire trust fund into Birkenstocks."

4. "Look out! A Sniper! Just kidding Mom."

5. "As my mother has no doubt noticed, 1. This floor is incredibly shiny and 2. I'm not wearing underwear."

Best of Double the U
...another fond memory I have is after my sixth birthday Mom showed me how to use a coat hanger to give myself an abortion if the vast-right-wing conspiracy ever took that choice away from me.

Best of GregMan
Shrillary looks down in shame as Chelsea publicly admits that she really DOES like America.

Best of Submariner
"...and unlike her opponent's spouse, mom's spouse was proud of America, mostly, from the about the middle of 1991 until, oh, 1998 or 1999, somewhere in there..."

Best of Submariner
Yes, Chris Matthews has a significant man crush on dad. Mom? Not so much...

Best of Adjustah
Hillary liked to pee to music...

Best of shoechick
Hillary's head: "Hmmm, I wonder what that was that I stepped in? Dang, it is all over my shoes. Next time I need to be more careful when stepping on the rights of Americans. That will take forever to clean."

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and I will sleep with every superdelegate that votes for mom.... Yes, you too Madeliene Albright."

Best of sonicfrog
♫ You're a rich girl, and you've gone too far
'Cause you know it don't matter anyway
You can rely on the old man's money
You can rely on the old man's money
It's a bitch girl but it's gone too far
'Cause you know it don't matter anyway
Say money but it won't get you too far,
Get you too far ♫

Best of prince of leaves
"...And for years afterwards, I thought all women had one, and that mine would appear when I eventually hit puberty!" Chelsea shares a touching memory of growing up Clinton.

Best of prince of leaves
"Eventually, though, the Secret Service ordered a fuel-air bombing of the snipers' nests along ridgeline above our position, and our motorcade was able to continue on. Mom was so brave!" -- Chelsea recounts a dramatic and dangerous 1997 visit to a Rotary Club fundraiser in Shreveport.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I'll Have What They're Having


1. "I hope you're not expecting me to put out, just because you bought me dinner."

2. "Do you have any picture menus? We went to public school."

3. "You're getting the Jumbo Burrito Fiesta Platter? Well, I know someone who gets his own tent at the scout camp-out."

4. "So, are we binging or purging today?"

5. "Well, I'm gonna have the Spam, Spam, Spam, Eggs, and Spam."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Speaking of pigs in a blanket, how is your sister?"

Best of Silhouette
"Yes, Bobby is ours but Tommy is adopted. We make no difference between them, mind you. Other than making Tommy wear the giant A all the time."

Best of Mr. Right

"You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?"

"They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?"

"No, man, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what a Quarter Pounder is."

"What'd they call it?"

"They call it Royale with Cheese."

"Royale with Cheese. What'd they call a Big Mac?"

"Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it Le Big Mac."

"Le Big Mac. What do they call a Whopper?"

"I dunno, I didn't go into a Burger King."

Best of Dr. Hardcrab
I wonder what the "Barney Frank-N-Ferter" is???

Best of curly
“Do you want the Obama Special – an Oreo falafel – or the Hillary special – Chinese pork fried in lard?”

Best of Rodney Dill
This is Livonia, of course we can have beer with our steak and eggs before 8:00 AM

Best of Dwight Wannabe
Gallant politely asked the young waitress for his usual Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity breakfast, while Goofus leeringly ordered a furburger with a side order of thighs.

Best of Silhouette
Unlike Avalon Manor, what happens at Fernbank Elementary...stays on your permanent record.

Best of metalgarth
Nickelodeon's remake of "My Dinner With Andre" was just as boring, uninspired, pretentious, and unwatchable as the original.

Americana Mind-Meld


1. "Live long, and prosper, and may your hair always bounce and behave," former John Edwards supporters work the Trek Convention.

2. Ever since that dog pic on Friday, The Man and Ochagirl have been obsessed with the sound of one hand clapping.

3. "Well... I Rebuke YOU... foul harlot." A meeting of Young Evangelicals for Huckabee breaks down.

4. "Oh, come on, you two. Nobody says 'Talk to the hand' anymore."

5. "Wonder twin powers, Activate! Shape of... Obama's Grandmother!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I wore this jacket for two hours without getting my ass kicked... High five!"

Best of prince of leaves
Val Kilmer has really let himself go.

Best of The Man
VtheK was stoked with the Participation medal. Because everyone's a winner at the Special Olympics.

Best of Army of Mom
Congrats, Bill, on your medal for the best Kato Kalin hair-do.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Card Trick


1. All right! I'm just a pair of aces and two wife-beater shirts away from seeing those two twinks naked."

2. "Man, this is the last time I ever buy a deck of x-rated playing cards from The Advocate. The Queen of Hearts is Sully in a Tiara."

3. "No wonder I can't beat SOTG at this game. He's not playing with a full deck!"

4. "Did I really just hit again on 54? Oh, why did I have to learn "Everyday Math" in a public school?"

5. "No fair! I was just about to fold when you played that full-house." Playing poker, Barack Obama Style.

Very Brady Best of Son Of The Godfather
Solitaire Thought bubble: "Black Jack covers scary Red Queen obscures old, doddering King... Welcome to election '08"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Subby masters card-counting: "That'd be one..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Our computers are down, so we're having to do everything by hand." Jeff had the best excuses for getting caught slacking off at work.

Best of Army of Mom
First, he started singing Juice Newton songs, but it wasn't until he started whacking off in the middle of the periodicals, that Jeff's Queen of Hearts fetish got him kicked out of the library.

Best of Army of Mom
Playing cards with the special ed kids was so frustrating when they kept yelling Bingo!

Best of Army of Mom
After pulling The Fool card, Jeff advises Subby that his Tarot reading indicates impulsive action, choices and rash decisions. Foolishness and the wasting or frittering way of creative energy. *hmm, can we say Cap This obsession?*

Best of prince of leaves
"The Death card? How the heck did I draw the Death card in Old Maid?"

Best of Submariner
hmmmmm Ace of Spades? That's be a GREAT blog name. Naw, nobody'd ever read it...

Best of curly
There are indeed Two Americas: those that play Freecell on a PC and those that don’t.

Best of Submariner
The new NEA-approved deck of cards still contains 52, but every one of them is a 4 of hearts.
The same card ensures there are no winers or losers;
The 4 was selected to ensure that there are no overlord cards;
The selected heart suit ensures that all gay, homosexual and transgendered children feel represented.
It was noted, however, that this deck makes for a VERY short game of 'Go Fish'

Answer: Yes, a Dog Does Have Buddha Nature. Next Koan, Please



1. Rex would later be beheaded as an apostate for worshiping Ceiling Cat.

2. "Kobe, I am open, yet I am not open."

3. "Pray all you want, Rex. Xavier will *not* make it to the Final Four."

4. "Please, God, Keep that Korean family away from me."

5. "Ia! Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

Best of Submariner
Rex's faithfulness was rewarded when a moment later, the monk morphed into a Llasa Apsu in heat...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"When you can snatch the kibble from my hand, it will be time for you to leave."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I keep trying to envision 'nothingness', but that damned Frisbee keeps leaking in."

Best of prince of leaves
"What? What is it, girl? There's a supreme being manifesting itself as a giant Milk Bone on a thousand-petaled lotus?!"
"Awrf! Awrf!!!"

Best of Submariner
PLEASE Lord, make them forget to spay and neuter.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!


1. Only much, much later would members of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence learn exactly how displeased God was with that 'Hunky Jesus' thing.

2. "Cheese, what is it with you kids? 'When's dinner?' 'Help me with homework.' 'Get me the fire extinguisher!' When do I get some 'me' time?"

3. Sunflower Rainbow Moonbeam Peaceblossom (Santa Cruz, CA) immolates himself to protest global warming... completely failing to appreciate the irony.

4. What happens to Typical White People when they die, according to Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

5. In this visualization, you can see what your crotch will feel like a week after hooking up with Paris Hilton.

Best of Submariner
Jerry Falwell delivers another sermon on homosexuality.

Best of Submariner
"I TOLD him not to smoke while using hairspray!" simpered John Edwards...

Best of Jonathan
Do not taunt Happy Fun Bonfire.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We title this picture: Why We Don't Leave Toasting Pop-Tarts Unattended

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Steve always looked up to his big brother, Gary. Unfortunately, due to reading comprehension problems, he would grow up to immolate him.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
When you travel back in time, it's best not to try to impress the natives with your scary-detailed knowledge of the future, lest you be deemed a witch.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The Mentos/Diet Coke experiment outtakes were immediately removed from YouTube.

Best of curly
When did the Ignited Negro College Fund start accepting white boys?

Best of Mr. Right

Another vaunted super delegate, The Fantastic Four's Human Torch, arrives in Denver.


Best of Mr. Right
ORA: Some folks never learned that it just didn't pay to piss off young Charlie McGee.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Kari Byron Sends Me Mixed Signals

1. The list of the "Claw-Killer's" victims include a clown, a Scotsmen, and at least one twink in a wife-beater shirt.

2. Here we see illustrated the two elements for Subby's prom date. Inflatable + Woman.

3. For his 17th birthday, Corbett thought he had outgrown balloons. Corbett was wrong.

4. ORA: "Opus? Cutter John? Are you ready to go?"

5. "These are actually hydrogen balloons. Tory and I are building a MOAB."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The Hubble Telescope Repair Team thinks "out of the box".

Best of attmay
"Hey, it worked when Winnie the Pooh, didn't it? Didn't it? It didn't? Damn it!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Eva wasn't going to let the MSU Spartans spoil any festivities at the 'Big House' this year.

Best of Steve O
If you say it's fun I guess I'm in, but I've never played "fisting for keeps" before.

Best of prince of leaves
Even in San Francisco, the new "placental inflation" fad was considered a little offputting.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yes, Mr. Clinton, I did blow these up myself. Why do you ask?"

Best of GregMan
The Scottish Baloon Pervert realized his finest dream had come true.

Best of curly
Edwards Scissors-hands, your Gothic/Catholic schoolgirl mimicking, helium addicted, pre-Obama bubble bursting, leaf raking, non-black balloon carrying prom date is here.

Best of Steve O
And a free baloon with every adult circumcision.

Got Hardwood... Floors?


1. "Got any other hard wood that needs buffing?"

2. "What a coincidence, I had to beat down ShoeChick with my handbag to get those heels," said Sully.

3. "Bad girl! Bad! We don't drag our butts on the floor in here!"

4. Another "typical white person" completely incompetent at break-dancing in high heels.

5. Standard Caption #114: "Mom?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Excuse me, I live in the apartment right below you and there's this squeaking I keep hearing from the floorboards up here. Just wanted to let you know: No Problem."

Best of prince of leaves
She wasn't smelly or a hooker anymore, but Ginger could still polish the poop-deck with the best of pirates.

Best of prince of leaves
The Hardwood Flooring Industry Association's new ad campaign, "Nail It On The Floor", was a raging success.

Best of Submariner
A squeak? Well let me just apply a little naval jelly with this here applicator...

Best of curly
Meanwhile, at the “never to be confused with John Edwards” house.

Best of curly
Next on “This Old House”: After laying some wood, Norm gives tips on how keep your tool clean and operating properly.

Best of Jack Reacher
You know, there's a lot to be said for tongue-in-groove flooring. I'm just saying.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Another Democrat with a Foot Fetish


1. Latrina always got special treatment by telling people she was Michelle Obama, knowing that a 'typical white person' couldn't tell one African-American apart from another.

2. Antonio Villaragosa (a.k.a. Client No. 32) exercises his fetishes for feet, public humiliation, and men dressed as Butterfly McQueen.

3. Basic Instinct meets The Crying Game meets Married... with Children.

4. "I'll pay you $50 to stomp on some eggs, $100 if I can post pictures of it on bigmommafeet-dot-com.

5. ORA: Teal'c eventually resigned himself to the emasculating side-effects of Tretonin, changed his name to Beverly, and settled in Miami.

Best of The Man
Juanita was not really a super delegate, but who would pass up a free foot massage and a hundred bucks?

Best of curly
“Rub thou the toes of thou Mistress, client number 9.”

Best of shoechick
All right Al Bundy, let's get this shoe fitting thing over with.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Trust me, everyone needs to wash their feet before they can enter Livonia."

See You Next Tuesday

Sondrak
(The Title was Mr. Right's Suggestion)


Update: This would be a good spot for some selections from AoSHQ's Cool Facts About Hillary Clinton:

- Bosnia snipers aimed at her but once they saw her cankles magnified in their scopes, they shot themselves knowing they couldn't live with the horror.

- Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn actually means "Cthulhu protect me from Hillary"

- Hillary thinks 300 is a romantic comedy

- The reason the south pole is melting is because Hillary hasn't had as much time to fix it with her icy stare.

- There is no such thing as evolution by natural selection: there are only creatures Hillary has allowed to live.

-Below the wake of Hillary's flightpath into Bosnia, the beet crop rotted in the fields and the maidens became barren.

- The only thing to ever crack Wolverine's Adamantium skeleton was Hillary Clinton's "I am sick and tired" screed.

- Hillary stayed at a Holiday Inn Express... and consumed the souls of all the other guests rather than spring $12.95 for PPV pron.

- Hillary stopped competitive arm wrestling after a friendly match against the drummer from Def Leppard.

Best of Submariner
He finally got one right! Glad to see those Sylvan Learning Center fees weren't a waste for the campaign sign painter.

Best of Submariner
Kobe - over here; I'm not only open, I'm labeled!

Best of Submariner
Why? Truth in advertising laws required it. Next question...

Best of Submariner
Weeeeeeelllllll, the DNC said they'd consider Michagain and Floriduh re-do's if I displayed my qualifications prominently for a week...

Best of Submariner
"...not only that, but my @ss is this wide."

Best of The Man
Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Hillary every night.

Best of The Man
"Snipers" are Hillary-speak for young potential European lesbian lovers.

Best of The Man
On the seventh day, God rested, because Hillary was busting his chops all week long.

Best of kg
HRC: I'd like to buy an 'O' please, Pat.
PS: Sorry, but we are out of vowels and consonants.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I distinctly remember Bill yelling 'keep your head down, into the Limo, keep your head down... yea... baby...' then He said something military sounding, 'Emergency Blow.'"

Sad But Oh So True...

Timmah

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Amazing True Story of Two Wusses in Love


1. Rick sighed. "Yes, Bruce is a delegate to the DNC, but he's not a 'SUPER' delegate, if you know what I mean."

2. "Take off the wife-beater shirt. It's my turn to be the abusive husband."

3. I don't know what "very special" episode of what CW teen-angst drama this is, but I'm changing the channel.

4. "You promise no one will see these pictures but us, right? Right?"

5. "Let he who is among you who is not too sexy for his shirt cast the first stone."

Wicked Best of Whacko
Despite a brief "lapse" in high school, Eli and Payton would go on to become macho NFL quarterbacks.

Best of Chrees
"The first rule of...wait, what club is this again?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Concentrate, Brian, and we will grow chest hair. Maybe one or two."

Best of WhoopseyDaisey
Ok, ok, new game! Check this - instead of a drink? Everytime Obama says "hope" you stroke yourself. Everytime he says "change" you stroke me...

Best of curly
America’s chickens have come home to roost…

Best of Yikes
"Wonder Twink powers activate"

Best of GregMan
Two twinks enter, one twink leaves.

Best of GregMan
Moments after this photograph was taken, a slap-fight of truly epic proportions broke out.

Best of Tim
In mid pose Cody's eyes suddenly found the bloody dildo

Hail Marty?


1. "Special Delivery from the Emperor's Club for Congressman Barney Frank."

2. I bet you didn't even know NAMBLA had an Easter Pageant.

3. "Later, we will serve the Eucharist on your naked, oiled body." Andrew Sullivan finally finds a Catholic church that reflects his beliefs.

4. A young Gavin Newsom attends his First Communion.

5. Billy is a 9-year-old boy with leukemia, who, thanks to the Make-a-Wish foundation...

Best of The Man
Johnny Weir's Easter on Ice was just fabulous.

Best of Chrees
A recruiting win for the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

Best of attmay
A new twist on a classic TV series: The Flaming Nun.

Best of Submariner
8 year old Andy Sullivan shows off his costume. This year he's trick-or-treating as his Hollywood hero; Sally Field. He says he's starting now so that he can "really sell it" come October...

Monday, March 24, 2008

Harvey!



1. "Tell me again, Assud, about how the Zionists must be pushed into the sea."

2. "Laura never needs to know about this, Client No. 1."

3. "I, for one, welcome our new plush velvet overlords."

4. "That's okay, George, it happens to all men, sometimes."

5. "This is bullsh!t! Get me outta this gawddam suit!" Dick Cheney was not happy with the latest attempt to soften his image.

Best of Silhouette
"I will hug her, and pet her, and name her George. Wait, I'm George."

Best of Van Helsing
W hasn't managed to alienate quite all of his supporters by helping the government bloat to many times its rightful size.

Best of metalgarth
Fiscal Conservative or the Easter Bunny? Find the fictional character in this picture.

Best of Rodney Dill
Dubya: "Guess I should've taken the blue pill."

Best of The Man
One lives in a fantasy world where there are chocolate rivers and candy cane trees. The other is just wearing a bunny suit.

Best of Double the U
You know, the Easter bunny, he is a typical white rabbit.

Best of Jack Reacher
"No, just snuggling is okay sometimes. This is nice."

Best of Submariner
I'm not just a member, you know; I'm the PRESIDENT of the Hare Club for Men.

Best of Silhouette
"170 over 110. You should lay off the eggs."

Best of curly
“So tell me, Easter Bunny: was Billy Beer really rabbit piss?”

Best of Dr.Hardcrab
Laura always tells me I do, but I like to always have a wild hare up my ass.....

Welcome to Obamaland

I almost want to give her partial credit for having all the words spelled right.

1. "G-D, America! You've put on a lot of weight!"

2. "G-D America! You let people this stupid vote?"

3. A welfare recipient protests America's gross inequities using part of the box her 60" Plasma HDTV came in.

4. "G-D America! How did you let the most ridiculous senator since Jar-Jar Binks become the Democrat front-runner?"

5. "I'm crazy mushroom head! G-D America! Vote for Obama!"

Best of metalgarth
LaTasha's grandmama found out that being a cue card holder for Rev Wright paid far less than being a greeter at WalMart

Best of Two Dogs
"The new targets for the Marine sniper schools are ready, boys! Live rounds for everyone!"

Best of curly
She misspelled ‘amerikkka’.

Best of duke of red
.......but please keep paying for my housing, my food stamps, my kids, and my slammin' new Caddy!

Best of Jack Reacher
Embittered by her son J.J.'s lack of success, Florida spent her later years in a state of perpetual decline.

Best of Jack Reacher
When Kenisha heard she'd be carrying a sandwich board, she was thrilled. She'd already eaten the back half before someone told her it wasn't actually a sandwich.

Best of curly
Will work for fools.

Monday Morning Geezer


1. "Yar! Be that a smelly pirate hooker spies I off the port bow?"

2. Standard McVain Cap #32: "We have a bingo at table three!"

3. ORA: "Did you know that many parts of a pine tree are edible?"

4. "Next Question. How about you, the dumb conservative who thinks I give a damn about his opinion."

5. "When ya git as old as me, yer laxative never kicks in, yar."

Best of Army of Mom From that other thread

I'm like a dog in heat,
a freak without warning
I have an appetite for sex,
cause me so horny

Super Blazing Saddles Best of Submariner
I did NOT get a "harumph" from THAT man...

Best of Army of Mom
When I was your age, I was out having wild sex and drinking heavily. Why are you sitting in a boring old press conference? Go out and live your life. Gees, kids today.

Best of Submariner
Dammit, Katie; I said "PULL IT!"

Best of Submariner
Oh fergawd's sake; the figgin' hole in the fence is right over there, Hector.

Best of Chrees
"You. Yes, you. I'm willing to make sure someone remains in your ass for the next 100 years as well."

Best of metalgarth
twenny fie, twenny fie, do I hear twenny fie? thirrdy, thirddy, do hear thirddy fie...
going once, going twice... sold to old lady in the tan pantsuit.
Auctioning off national soveriegnty came naturally to Lettuce McCain

Best of duke of red
"Look!! There's Charlie all over the Gawd-dang place!!"

Best of divine miss m
John McCain Live at Budokan:
I want YOU to want ME!

Best of prince of leaves
McCain points at Rudy in the crowd and emits an unearthly RINO screech, in the disturbing climactic scene from "Invasion of the Nomination Snatchers".

Best of Targetpractice
ORA: "That one! The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Bring her to me! Take her clothes off and bring her to me."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Yes, you. The sensible housewife in the back who keeps calling me Phil. What's your question?"

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter free for all

BrenderBest of curly
Looking rested, calm and relaxed following his annual “CapThis” Lenten fast, Curly prepares to “get down to da important bidness of da peoples”.

Best of prince of leaves
After the dreaded Bunny Plague killed every last rabbit on Earth, certain Easter traditions had to be revised.

Best of prince of leaves
"I believe in evolution like I believe in the Easter Bunny," Ben Stein scoffed...moments before an Australopithecus appeared from nowhere and presented him with a basket of Peeps.

Best of Van Helsing
So that's why I didn't find an Easter basket this morning — a gorilla walked off with it!

Best of divine miss m
After this photo ran in the school newsletter, Stacey's father relented and agreed to pay for electrolysis after all.

Best of racerboy
Obviously this photo has been retouched: a Sarah Lawrence girl would never participate in an activity as patriarchal as an Easter egg hunt.

Best of Submariner
ORA: "What a totally regressive and primitive custom! But I guess if this is what will make George happy..."

Best of Rodney Dill
The replacement for the Bunny at the Whitehouse Easter Egg roll went over extremely well, until the feces flinging portion of the festivities.

Best of Chrees
Koko then used sign language to say "Bunny, tasty. Eggs, not so much."

Best of Jay Guevara
Ed Asner went door to door collecting for Obama.


Happy Easter Monors!


1. Career Day at Hugh Hefner Elementary.

2. "Gee that bunny-man's been in the janitor's closet with Billy a long time."

3. "And we can use black jelly beans for our turds."

4. "Rabbits and eggs are pagan fertility symbols. Shouldn't we be naked?"

5. "I know you think this is a cute Easter activity, but Mr. Karr has had us making these things since September. It's all we *ever* do. Help us!"

Best of ochagirl
Tommy, not a bright kid, lovingly looked at his creation, the only Easter Horsey mask in the entire class.

Best of ochagirl
"Yes, children, let us pretend we are being bunny rabbits. Innocent bunny rabbits who are being subjugated by the INFIDELS. We are no wanting to be Infidels, are we children? The Infidels want to keep the innocent bunny rabbits from Allah's truth! Allahu Akbar!"

Best of Army of Mom
As the gang gets ready for the bank heist, the lovely Linda poses for a quick picture.

Best of Rodney Dill
Teacher, why does you carrot hum and vibrate?

Best of prince of leaves
What you get when you cross John Dewey, Guy Fawkes, and Eve Ensler.

Best of Jack Reacher
It's all fun and games until someone tells Reverend Wright that every single Easter Bunny in the class is white.

Best of Chrees
Moments later, PETA stormed the classroom and squirted all the kids with fake blood while screaming "Bunnies are people too!"

Best of Submariner
VERY good, children. Now the nice Planned Parenthood people are going to show you how to make the rabbit die.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Childhood Trauma Saturdays


1. "And if you tell anybody about this, Billy, Mr. Cottontail is going to butcher your whole family! You don't want Mr. Cottontail to butcher your whole family, do you Billy?"

2. "I like the way you nailed your sister's Cabbage Patch doll to the background to remind the folks of the true meaning of Easter."

3. Every young boy in Massachusetts looks forward to Barney Frank's annual Easter Egg Hunt and Body Cavity Search.

4. Client No. 11, with his fetish for pederasty, plush, and bow-ties, was eventually revealed to be George Will.

5. "Levitating dolls with your mind is the work of the devil, Timmy."

Best of prince of leaves
Jimmy Carter and Whitley Strieber were surprised to discover they shared a common, and very strange, memory of an early childhood easter.

Best of Double the U
Sondrak had all sorts of odd pictures before she settled on the "Kibosh" theme.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Young Donnie Darko

Best of ochagirl
A man, in a costume, Timmy? Why, no. I'm the genuine Easter Bunny. Your parents would never, ever lie and play with your fragile, developing mind, Timmy.

Best of Adjustah
The Velveteen Embarrassment.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Just think of it as a third slight misplaced ear Billy."

Best of Submariner
I kinda don't f'n THINKso, Mr. Bunny; and if you don't move that front right paw, Dad's gonna show you just how UNLUCKY a rabbits foot can be...

Friday, March 21, 2008

Takin' out the trash

1. The reason Barack's granny hates black folks and Barack hates the police are in fact closely intertwined.

2. Even under three layers of ultra-thick, anti-septic treated plastic wrap, the stink from the Code Pink demonstrater was almost unbearable.

3. Playing catch-up with the Obama campaign, once again, Hillary arranges to have her grandmother thrown under the bus.

4. "Gosh, ma, it's just an assisted living home. Why do you have to be such a f**kin' drama queen?"

5. STOP! I NOT BATTERING RAM!

Best of Double the U
ORA: Wudja look at dat, somebody throw'in out a perfectly good old {typical} white woman.

Best of Chrees
I usually don't like remakes of movies, but this new spin on "Seven" may make it better.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Would you prefer paper or plastic with your Code Pinko?"

Best of Submariner
Any chance we WON'T get caught if we pull an U'Hura on her?

Best of Steve O
In times of need, the Chief would activate the Obamasignal, and Obama would split himself into two distinct people in order to restore order.

Best of Double the U
HEFTY! HEFTY! HEFTY!, wimpy wimpy wimpy.

Best of Mr. Right
Be warned: The soon to be released "Superwoman" features some of the lamest special effects sequences ever filmed!

Best of Army of Mom
When you're going to get f*cked by the police, try the new Trojan body condom. Ribbed for her pleasure.

Best of Army of Mom
That's the last Bingo game you'll ever rig!

Best of Adjustah
"Hey Jerry, get the hose and the Slip 'N Slide, Ma'am, you're gonna love this! On three, ready..."

The Dog From Outer Space


1. 'Ow to speak Korean: Fridge

2. OHAI. I M BITCH IN HEET. I CAN BE ON THURSDAZE?

3. Unlike Picard and Archer, Captain Janeway had a strict "No Pets" policy, and so Ensign Wildmon's dog was ejected through a photon torpedo tube. It was either that, or be Harry Kim's lunch.

4. "Hey! This isn't a warm bed. It's a vacuum chamber!" Ruffy learns the harsh truth about PETA.

5. "BACON! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! BACON! Only one thing smells like bacon and that's... BACON!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Even McCain's dog doesn't look convincing when he leans to the right.

Best of mklasing
Having been annihilated in the primary, Kucinich returned to his native form and flew back to his home planet of Yendor.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Return the fire hydrant shaped galaxy? uh... don't think so..."

Best of prince of leaves
NASA prepares freeze-dried rations for the first Chinese visitors to the ISS.

Best of Silhouette
Unlike fatty beef, I've heard that dog is fairly lean.

Best of ochagirl
"So what they say about Glenn Reynolds is true! HORRORS! RUN, PUPPY! RUN AWAY!"

Best of Mr. Right
"¡Yo quiero Tang!"

Best of Army of Mom
How much is that doggie in the vaccuum tube?

Best of Submariner
NO SELL 2 KOREANZ, KTHXBAI

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Mmmmm... Toasty


1. Yeah, well, thanks to 7 of 9, Barack Obama is going to be the next POTUS. Top that, toasters!

2. In Soviet Russia, toaster pops up you! Actually, it works the same here, in this case.

3. "God has a plan for you, Hillary," Number Six whispered seductively.

4. "A few users have reported problems with fembots malfunctioning and killing their users," Bill Gates told reporters. "But we expect to have a patch available to fix this problem sometime in the third quarter."

5. "Feh," Sully sniffed. "I know you guys think I'm a big fag, but the truth is, I only have two of those outfits."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"By your command... Seriuosly... Anything you want... Name it..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Curse the Cylons!
-They've devastated humanity.
-They pursue and destroy.
-They make my pants fit a little tighter.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I think I just rebooted in my boxers.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"You guys go on and search for that lost Colony thingy... I'm gonna hang around here a bit..."

Best of Chrees
Who are three cylons that have never been in my kitchen?

Best of Nose
Lawless. Braless. Flawless.

Best of prince of leaves
First Bank of Caprica's "free toaster" promotion earned them many, many new checking accounts.

Best of Army of Mom
Army of Dad, meet your children's new disciplinarian, social skills teacher and laundress. I'm outsourcing.

The Mother Lode

1. "And for you ladies who don't make the cut, The Emperor's Club has a representative in the lobby."

2. "Hey! From this position, Democrat economic policies make sense."

3. Hearing a rumor that Pat Buchanan was one of the judges, Cherri tries to form a swastika with her legs.

4. "Hey, Cherri, did you know you have 'Property of Tom Brady' stamped on your ..."

5. Cherri and Kari explore Female Ejaculation, on a very, very, VERY special Mythbusters.

Wicked Best of Son Of The Godfather
What a cunning array of stunts!

Wicked Best of Jack Reacher
"Is it here? How about here?" Cherri and Kari were hopeless at finding the G spot.

Best of The Man
Patriot staff members were also known to videotape other things off the field.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I can almost see her line of scrimmage.

Best of Mr. Right
ORA: An assistant helps Winona Ryder into position for her famous ping pong ball trick.

Best of Submariner
OK, Sunshine, once you get in this position, you spread 'em and holler "Kobe, over here; I'm OPEN!"

Best of Adjustah
Crab checks at Camp Shatner were always good fun.

Best of Army of Mom
Listen, Marsha. If you put your ear to her cooch, you can hear the ocean.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Idiocy on the Move in the City by the Bay



1. Conveniently, Cindy Sheehan suggests what the length of her prison sentence for treason ought to be.

2. Answer to the riddle "What has eight legs and a collective IQ of 50?"

3. Nice to see the spell-checker from the Clinton campaign can still find work.

4. I want to see the other half of the sign, the half that says "... people is too long to have to put up with an attention-whoring mega-hag."

5. Chanting: "Stop the killing! Stop the war/We're not as dumb as you think we am!"

Best of divine miss m
5 extra IQ points to those few would be even better.

Best of Silhouette
Clearly, St. Paddy's Day has caused a temporary shortage of Os.

Best of Army of Dad
What spending five minutes with Cindy Sheehag is like to most people.

Best of Jack Reacher
She should have used some of her son's life insurance money to buy a vowel.

Best of Chrees
The townspeople of Many, Louisiana began erecting barriers immediately.

Best of Rodney Dill
Schlamiel, Schlamazel! Hassenpfeffer Incorporated!!!

Best of Adjustah
Tom and Amy's anniversary was once again spoiled by dyslexia...

Best of sonicfrog
5 years to many, 1825 days to others...

Best of shoechick
I AM IN UR SKOOLZ TEECHING SPELING.

Best of Keith Hersch
When you care enough to throw something together at the last minute.

Best of Mr. Right
Cindy Sheehan serves as Grand Marshal at the parade marking the fifth anniversary of the incorporation of the town of Toma, New York.

Best of Submariner
Seeing the Sheslag with the posie makes me think of "Flowers for Algernon" except the rat got smarter...

Redneck Cotillion

1. "A few more loads and we'll have Patrick Kennedy's limo cleaned out. Then, we can start on Ted's."

2. Bill Clinton crosses off two items on his Karma List. #139: "Threw beer bottles through Brad Pitt's window." and #245: "Fathered illegitimate black girl."

3. They had to bus the tables themselves because, frankly, Barack Obama was underqualified.

4. Fourth Rule of Fight Club: Recycle our empties, because it's, you know, good for the environment and stuff.

5. ORA: "Ah'm Bill, Kiss mah grits!"

Best of Submariner
Looks like Bill and Brad both returned to the only jobs they were qualified to do once they left their last paying gig...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Uh... Brad, I'm looking at Angelina over there and... well... do you know anything about 'key parties' from the 70's?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Looks like Hillary's getting desperate... She's sent Bill out with the Bribe Bucket.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We title this picture: Why There Is A Chelsea"

Best of Chrees
"...and if I kicked you off welfare with that reform thing, this Bud's for you."

Best of Adjustah
Just another day for those wonderful folks at Heineken For Humanity...

Best of Jack Reacher
Revealed: The primary source of funding for the Bill Clinton Presidential Library--bottle deposits.

Best of Rodney Dill
Bill: "Did I put my shrimp on the Barbie? Barbie who?"


Best of Army of Dad
Goofus is looking to get the chicks drunk while Gallant looks for another baby to adopt.

Best of Steve O
First rule of tailgating: Always invite Bill.

Mrs Rodham, Are You Trying to Seduce Me?



1. OK, guys, how many of you just turned irreversibly gay?

2. "k.d. lang, Call me!"

3. If you gave up masturbation for lent and need a little help in the homestretch, CapThis is here for you.

4. ♪"When I think of Madeleine Albright/ I touch myself..." ♪

5. No need to vogue, Hill. You already got the gay vote.

Best of Submariner
The Hilldawg; providing priapsis-relief for 50+ years.

Best of Submariner
Chelsea; "On second thought, mom; maybe you AREN'T ready to get back into the dating scene..."

Best of Silhouette
I'm confused. I can only think of one person she'd want to kiss, but I thought she couldn't see her own reflection.

Best of Whacko
"I feel pretty,
I mean petty,
I feel petty and bitchy and mean!"

Best of GregMan
Thanks for the libido-kill, VtheK. It's not like I wanted to have sex with my wife anytime in the next ten years anyway.

There ain't enough coyotes in New Mexico for this.

Best of GOP & College
Hillary proves, she too can spit like an intern.

I CAN HAZ UR MUNEEZ? K, THX BI.

Best of Van Helsing
Thinking she heard Janet Reno's voice, Shrillary instinctively puckered up for a kiss. But it turned out to be a water buffalo breaking wind.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Alright, who's the wiseguy who switched Cankles lipstick with Preparation H?"

Best of Adjustah
Hillary just lost the erection... and so did I.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Meet the New Boss, Not Quite the Same As the Old Boss

Subby


1. Dilbert snaps.

2. "What? A woman exposing herself to infidels on the subway? I'm on my way!" Islamic Honor Man springs into action.

3. Carrot-Top's buff younger brother is about to lose another temp job.

4. "Uh, Yeah. It's just we're putting out new dress-codes for casual Fridays. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to cover your mid-riff and wear pants from now on, that'd be great."

5. I give up. What do you get when you cross Thundarr the Barbarian, John Wayne Gacy, and a Lhasa Apso?

Best of Two Dogs
Hank took it upon himself to ensure that the Chuck Taylor factory was free of heterosexuals.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Ronald McDonald: The Quickening

Why you should re-cap the White-out.

Horton Hears A WTF?!?

Cyndi Lauper's brother just LOVES powdered donuts.

Troy took the death of Gary Gygax pretty hard.

Best of mklasing
When PC man heard that Mac Daddy was coming to rumble, he got battle ready.

Best of Nose
Wonder Twin powers ACTIVATE!
Form of a GAY SUPERHERO!

Best of Adjustah
Seriously, how much more work is Kathy Griffin going to have done?!

Best of Submariner
Dad?!?

Mac Daddy



1. Ang Lee directs his first "I'm a Mac/I'm a PC" commercial.

2. We've replaced Mark's usual West Hollywood neighborhood with Amarillo, TX. Let's see if he notices.

3. Client No. 8: Steve Jobs.

4. A struggling Conan O'Brien was once forced to make ends meet by serving as the "second pair of hands" in a Jim McGreevey marital three-way.

5. Sonic Frog, your prom date is here.

Best of Tim
The Apple design team was encouraged to "Live Apple"

Best of duke of red
You should see his blackBerries.

Best of mklasing
On his third and last day at work, Bob the Marketing Director displays his new idea for ad slogans, "iPhones Raise Me Up" and "Apple Stands Firm to Stiff Competition."

Best of The Man
It's Apple swimwear. It may cost more and be less efficient than Speedos, but you look cooler.

Best of Rodney Dill
Chip was a few pins shy of being firmly seated.

Best of Adjustah
Sadly, this means six more weeks of Winter.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Where's William Tell when you really need him?

Best of Chrees
Robert Applethorpe's pictures were even more disturbing than his famous uncle.

Best of sonicfrog
Uhm, we DO see his blackBerries!

Best of Army of Dad
Only one thing could get the Silky Pony's eyes to wander from the hair...

Best of Submariner
Swim suit by Johnny Weir.
Body by Duncan Donuts.

Monday, March 17, 2008

That Sinking Feeling

Timmeh!


1. Larry Craig is subsumed into Hell.

2. EPIC FAIL!!!

3. Hieronymous Bosch meets Robert Mapplethorpe.

4. "Honey! You better call a plumber and an exterminator. We've got another Trainspotter infestation."

5. Quite by accident, the alien cannibal shapeshifter had stumbled on the ideal disguise.

Best of Silhouette
The makers of Tidibowl encourages you to clean you toilet often, before the germs become sentient.

Best of Tim
Japanese toilet bowl makers, finally go to far.

Best of Jay Guevara
Is that guy named "The credibility of the Democratic Party?"

Best of Chrees
"Good God man....what did you eat?"

Best of Frank_IBC
Wuss deserves it. No real man would allow the toilet paper to be hung with the paper going under the roll instead of over the roll.

Best of Submariner
Hollywood insiders report that Tim Burton is remaking "Reefer Madness."

Best of shoechick
That's the last time I eat at Taco Bell!

Best of divine miss m
How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

Best of Adjustah
Jonathan Taylor Thomas' original departure from Home Improvement was never actually aired.

Best of Army of Dad
I guess zombies crave something other than brains.


Wearing of the Black and White Green


1. "Dibs!" exclaimed Ted Kennedy and Barney Frank in perfect unison.

2. Three months after Christmas, Scrooge hired the same boy to buy enough whiskey to get him and Bob Cratchit totally loaded. Scrooge and Marley was soon wiped out anyway in the sub-prime credit crisis.

3. "Man, daddy's liquor store just can't keep these 40's in stock since the Obama Campaign HQ set up shop next door." ATDHE*

4. "I sure hope Kiefer Sutherland's a better tipper than Lindsay Lohan."

5. Ted Kennedy and Andrew Sullivan: two men with very different approaches to making bottles like these "disappear."

*And Then Dawn's Head Exploded

Best of Submariner
Teddy bellowed; "Wipe that smug look off yer face, Patrick and go get me a couple of BIG bottles. Breakfast won't wait forever..."

Best of attmay
Just because French kids get to drink doesn't mean they should act smug about it.

Best of Tim
Kid Nation's first boot legger

Best of Adjustah
♪"Caaaaan you tell me how to get...how to ge-het to Shesh-ame Streeeet!!" ♪

Best of Silhouette
Lemonade stands are for losers.

Best of duke of red
Little Timmy happily carries two bottles of Jeebus Juice back to the nice, pale-faced pop singer.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I gotta run. Hasselhoff's cheeseburgers are about to arrive, and he likes them with booze!"

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Got Your Nose



1. Like we all didn't fantasize about a seagull crapping on Leo diCaprio and Kate Winslet.

2. Prometheus quickly shielded himself with his date, saving his liver, but guaranteeing he wouldn't score that night.

3. "I love butt secks on the spit!" Tom ejaculated.

4. "Synchronized Yachting" will be an Olympic event in 2012.

5. ORA: Ironically, Mr. Van Driessen's vacation is ruined by an encounter with a lesbian seagull.

Best of Nose
I'M THE KING OF THE WORL....OW F*CK!

Best of prince of leaves
After the Hitchcock/Cameron hybrid "The Titanic Birds" became a comic hit, it was quickly followed up with sequels "The Aliens Who Knew Too Much", "Psycho Abyss", and "Rearview Terminator".

Best of Double the U
You keep asking me to be romantic. You keep asking me to something special. I try to do something special and one little freaking bird comes along and gouges your eye out and your pissed off for the rest of the night.

Best of sonicfrog
Where is Randy Johnson when you need him?

Best of attmay
Yeah yeah, 11 Oscars, box office records and all that, but it still could use a blooper reel at the end.

Best of Silhouette
Accidentally supergluing the ceramic figurine to her face during the bacherlorette party didn't stop Lisa from enjoying her honeymoon.

Best of Submariner
They picked up the broken necked bird and ground it into sauage. Yessir, a clear case of a Tern for the 'Wurst.

Best of Army of Mom
Did you notice? it's either cold on that boat or she's digging it!*

Best of Tim
Shortly before marrying Britney, Kevin Federline performs an ancient viking sacrifice in order to gain wealth and fame.

Best of Van Helsing
Bachelors could never understand the joy of training seagulls to pluck French fries from your wife's nose.

Best of Chrees
The bird was docile until the woman started singing Celine Dion...

Babushka. Gesundheit.


1. "So, you're saying our initiatilization scripts are incompatible with the router config? F**kin' Vista!

2. Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Hillary Clinton, and John Kerry start a frantic WebMD Search for "Botox side effects."

3. The McCain Ladies were not nearly as inspiring as the Obama Girl, but they did hate America somewhat less.

4. This week on Soviet Golden Girls, Svetlana and Natasha wait in bread line, while Ivanka and Ludmilla plot to exchange vodka for decadent western computer pr0n.

5. In 2094, OchaGirl, Divine Miss M, ShoeChick, and Army of Mom are still marveling that perverted captioning was the key to longevity.

Sick Wicked Best of Double the U
This "Internet" is so wonderful, here is my teenage granddaughter's website, complete with video of her running around drunk, naked and beating up some other girl.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So I delete the cookies, refresh, click again, and Presto! I can vote for Ron Paul as many times as I want!"

Best of Arcticman Speaks!
The Golden Girls reunion special was canceled. But they were happy just to be alive another day.

Best of Dr. Hardcrab
With the help of her home-girls, Olga checks WebMD for the best way to remove a petrified umbilical chord.....

Best of Submariner
When Nancy Grace return after the break - the truth about those "internet sex chatrooms."

Best of prince of leaves
In Soviet Russia, Vista crash YOU!

Best of ochagirl
Sagging Tits Saturday? This won't be a trend, will it?

Best of Army of Mom
I see V the K made me the one on the far left - the one missing her front teeth- See? I'm still a hit with the boys after all these years.

Best of attmay
"What crappy customer service! That's the last time I shop at Babushkas 'R' Us dot com!"

Best of Tim
You always remember your first Goatse pic

Best of GregMan
"Now, girls, look at the schl0ng on THIS one!" The Internet arrives in Uzbekistan.

Friday, March 14, 2008

An Old Troll and a Young Boy



1. "I found your c0ck ring, congressman Frank."

2. Timmy was honored to be the ring-bearer at Helen Thomas's wedding.

3. "Okay, who am I? (Ahem) 'Colonel Hogan, if you don't clean up this mess before General Burkhalter gets here, I will be sent to the Russian Front.'"

4. Multiple Incoming ORA's: God presents a young Joseph Smith with the Urim and Thummim in Matt Stone and Trey Parker's live-action, full length feature film musical version of All About Mormons.

5. "Whoa! Wait 'til I come home with this gauge in my earlobe!"

Best of mklasing
"Timmy, what are you looking for in this land of magic?"
"Obama's accomplishments."


Best of Chrees
"Don't do it Timmy. I too once tried to divide by zero and look where I am now."


Best of Chrees
Timmy's going to have huge regrets in the morning when those sugar-goggles wear off...


Best of Nick
I know it's just a chocolate donut but Rosie keeps calling it her precious


Best of Jack Reacher
"And you say all the Baldwin brothers' brains will fit in this?"
"Well, all except Stephen's."


Best of sonicfrog
Mark Foley stars in "Lord Of The Cock-rings".

Best of Double the U
ORA: A young John Belushi learns all about little chocolate doughnuts.

Best of attmay
"Good God. What possessed you to think that Sanford and Son place would have a sacred ring? From now on I'll do the shopping"

Casual Fridays in Teheran

1. "I am Cornholio. I need TP for my bunghole!"

2. "I say she's Orange-Burka Girl." "No, she's Subway Underwear girl." Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza were stumped over what little nickname to give the stranger.

3. Fatima assimilated better than most. Unfortunately, she was honor-killed 14 seconds after this picture was taken. By Andrew Sullivan. For wearing white socks before Memorial Day.

4. Frank was absolutely captivated, "Where did she get that fabulous Prada handbag?"

5."Honey, don't you think you should dress up a little to meet the governor?" "Not from what I've heard."

Simple and Elegant Best of Silhouette
"I know I have my cell phone. I turned off the stove. I've got the notes for the term paper. What AM I forgetting?"

Best of Rodney Dill
5500 sheep? getouttahere!

Best of Submariner
Abdul was apalled; his sister had shown her face! Now he had to kill her...

Best of Submariner
Not bad, sweetie - you've managed to offend both Islamic psychotics and Irish nutbags with the same outfit!

Best of Chrees
On BART, every day is "No Pants Day"

Best of shoechick
She's just being practical - she has her skirt on her head to keep her ears warm.

Best of Rodney Dill
Casual Fridays really have gone too far.

Best of GregMan
Islamic Rage Boy finally admits he is a woman in a man's body, has the "operation", and is no longer full of rage.

Best of Army of Mom
I'm growing sort of partial to the Iranian style of Hooter's where the girls just wear their panties and put the orange shorts on their heads.

Best of sonicfrog
This year, poised for a comeback, Calvin Klein is really pushing to penetrate the untapped Islam market...

Best of ochagirl
Sarah was capitalizing on her man's PLO go-go girl fetish.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Old Eliot Spitzer would have sued the Emperor's Club for false advertising.


Are you an emotionally unstable and vulnerable skank from a broken home in New Jersey? Were you sexually abused by your mother's live-in boyfriend? Do you have a history of drug abuse and bad relationships? Do you worry that you'll never escape your past? The Emperor's Club would like to hear from you. In no time at all, (literally), we'll make you over into a high-class, well-educated woman of distinction making $4,000, $5,000, even $5,500 dollars an hour! Call 1-866-2BPIMPD

Best of Jack Reacher
That burning sensation tells you she's (been) working.

Best of Cybrludite
What Spitzer swallows...

Best of sonicfrog
So, I guess Spitzer was also lying when he wore that "I just spent $5000 dollars, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" T-shirt.

Best of Steve O
Dupre, a 22 yr old prostitute, claims her privacy was violated when pictures of her appeared in the news.

Best of Arcticman Speaks!
The stench of codfish hung heavily in the harbor that morning as I sized-up the deckhand. Or, was she the one doing the sizing?


Now That's what I call a Game System



1. Inga was starting to miss Client No. 9.

2. Grand Theft Auto: Detroit was the first version of a video game to physically rape the gamer. Later, the Detroit Police rub you out so you can't talk about it.

3. Chelsea fumed. "Mom, your 'intern' is getting her syphilis all over my game system."

4. Apparently, Billy shared his medication with the baby-sitter ... again.

5. "Hot Babe Thursday" morphed into "B&D Fetish Thursdays" so gradually few regulars even noticed.

Best of shoechick
Wiiiii

Best of The Man
"How am I supposed to beat Zelda with the controllers wrapped around your neck...."
Andrew Sullivan's first girlfriend knew something wrong with him.

Best of Chrees
Wait, this is one of those square peg in a round hole logic puzzles, isn't it?

Best of Submariner
Looks like Rosie O must have commissioned the newest release of "Leisure Suit Larry."

Best of mklasing
Although Spitzer's sex fantasies were a little odd, for $4,000 she would have even played Mario.

Best of Army of Mom
Once Peggy learned about the 'rumble' feature in her controllers, she LOVED playing Motocross with the guys.

Best of Steve O
Later experiments tried to get bloggers interested in girls...

Best of prince of leaves
A scene from Kevin Smith's low-budget, hipster-ironic remake of "The Demon Seed".

Best of Army of Dad
Verily, thou must bang the hot chick well.

Best of foz
Hey! I can't get this HDMI cable to mate up.

Best of Mr. Right
Super Nindildo --- for those special gaming enthusiasts who want to experience a very different type of joystick! Now "comes" with free Personal Space Invaders, Donkey Dong and Tetclitoris gamepacks included --- Poke-a-man sold separately!

Best of Adjustah
'Ow to speak Blogger: "Marriage Proposal".

Best of GOP & College
It's my turn to play with the sex-box! (Her *name* is Sony)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Mary Anne Got Busted for Mary Jane This Week

1. "I don't care if you *are* the Governor of New York, B&D is a fifty per cent surcharge."

2. The other castaways were astonished that the professor had built a sophisticated, fully functional B&D dungeon from bamboo and coconuts.

3. Dawn Wells had always dreamed of making a movie with Calista Flockhart...

4. Visiting the West Bank in 1998, Mary Ann was sentenced to 21 days in a Palestinian prison for wearing Yasser Arafat's headdress.

5. Mary Ann reacts in horror as Hillary whips out her 'Little Buddy.'

Best of Ace Comments
Kaylee from Firefly is living proof that the Professor fu*ked Mary Ann.

Turns out Dawn Wells can get arrested in Hollywood.

Wicked Best of Chrees
I guess the writers of Lost have really run out of ideas in their flashback sequences.

Best of Submariner
Heck, the coconut cream pies weren't the ONLY things getting constantly baked on that island...

Best of Submariner
Really, Gilligan; can't we get past the chains and sh!t and get right to the hot monkey sex for once?

Best of Double the U
Well that is one half of my Gilligan's Island fantasy...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Wait, before you shoot this scene, I have so got the munchies."

Best of GregMan
"Please stop telling me about Ron Paul! I can't take it anymore!"

Best of Braniff
"Gilligan, who in the hell is this 'Jeannie' you keep yelling about?"

Best of Army of Mom
I have to:
Where will YOU be when your laxative kicks in?

Best of Army of Mom
Dawn Wells personal ad: looking for 420-friendly fella who likes to sail; long walks on the beach; and bondage.

Best of prince of leaves
"'Summon the kraken'? Gilligan, whatever are you talking...about........oh."

A Tiny, Tiny Pic for a Tiny, Tiny Man

1. "Emperor's Club must have made a mistake and sent me Barney Frank's order. Oh, well, when in Rome."

2. Timmy would later come down with a virulent case of Scalp-Herpes

3. "Timmy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"

4. "Someday, Timmy, when you piss away your career for the sake of high-priced hookers and blow, you'll understand."

If anyone can find a bigger version of this pic, that would be swell.

Best of Chrees
"Heal - a! This poor boy - a! Of his a flic tion - a!
Rise up and walk, Timmy!"

Best of Van Helsing
"Spit it out, Timmy. How much for your sister?"

Best of duke of red
Thought bubble: Dammit, I specifically requested a short little sweet one, with the ass of a 10 year old boy!!! Not a 10 year old boy ass!!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Where's Gallant? Ah ha ha, that's a good one, Timmy. I'm going to have the state troopers kill you now."

Best of Submariner
I've screwed the pooch with my career, I may as well go for the full monty; Go back to my place, Timmy, and take a nap on my Ikea duvet...

Best of Chrees
"Timmy, I have some bad news about your trust fund. Although I think the money was well spent..."


Best of Army of Mom
You're not really my type, Timmy.

Best of mklasing
"Well Timmy, you see, a 'prostitute' is a woman, like your mom here, only hotter, younger and cheaper."

Best of Chrees
OK kids, please promise me you won't call the man your mom marries "Dad"

Best of Jay Guevara
"I appreciate the thought, Timmy, but this isn't a 'dog ate my homework' kind of jam."

"Don't Cry for me Argentina..."



1. ♪"I like big BUTTS and I can not lie..." ♪

2. "Johnny Olson, tell these contestants what they've won!"

3. "Aw, come on Harvey, say hi to the nice people."

4. "All right, the people have spoken. I will release... Barabbas!"

5. "Hey, look at it this way, have you ever heard Bill or Huma say they hate America? Give me a little credit, people."

Best of Nose
"See, some of MY best friends are black!"

Best of Submariner
Ah ain't no wayz tahred of yer cute li'l Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders - and ya KNOW what ah'm talkin' about!

Best of The Man
Gold pantsuit? Is it Wednesday already?

Best of shoechick
You put your left hand in. You take your left hand out. You put your left hand in and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about!

Best of duke of red
"And here on my left, is one ni&&er that's still voting for me!!"

Best of metalgarth
Ticket sales to Hillapalooza were a little underwhelming so backup singers were not given microphones and Hillary's came from Gavin Newsome's garage sale.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey good-looking and eligible to vote, I'll be back to pick you up later!"

Best of Chrees
"So without further ado, here's Ralph the Diving Pig!"

Best of ochagirl
"The number is . . . 232! Does anyone here have number the one their ticket? Oho! The flashy gentleman on my left has just won his automatic, no-questions-asked American citizenship! Congratulations!"
[ala Bob Barker] "Remember to spay or neuter your spouse!"

Cannibal Man, Cannibal Man, does whatever a cannibal can...

Brender


1. Barack Obama's African relatives are thrilled about his success.

2. If this were an episode of Law and Order, you'd assume this was the cannibal murderer, but it would turn out to be some middle-aged Republican white guy.

3. Berkeley, California, circa 2012, if current social trends continue.

4. Human flesh was a small price to pay for the loyalty of another Super Delegate for Hillary.

5. NBC presents another unbiased portrayal of a conservative evangelical.

Yar Best of Adjustah
Please, please, please stop making Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Best of Submariner
Heard behind closed doors at the Beef Council; "Well, it's down to this guy or Sam Elliot..."

Best of mklasing
The final act of one Texas precinct chairman was telling this crowd of Obama supporters that there were no more caucus ballots to give out.

Best of Jay Guevara
Obama's superdelegates plot their strategy.

Best of prince of leaves
Femur? Damn near killed her!

Best of Chrees
Rage Boy in about 10 years...

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Oh, the thigh-bone connected to the jaw-bone...

Best of Army of Mom
Look at the size of that boner!

Sick Best of Army of Mom
Tak demonstrated his power of juju with a giant bone ... missing his front teeth was just a bonus. Check out the men clamoring to get in line around him.

Best of Jay Guevara
ORA: "Hey, throw me a bone here, people!"

Best of ochagirl
The Hillary campaign scrapes off the bottom of the barrel for material in their negative ads against Obama.

Best of GregMan
After Dawn's head exploded, Ooboochango managed to get a thighbone out of what was left.