Friday, February 29, 2008

Do you believe in magic?



1. "So, who wants to touch my garment and be healed?"

2. Afro-Glow and Afro-Sheen... available at Fantastic Sam's and fine cosmetic stores throughout the greater Detroit area.

3. "I will now begin the exorcism of Hillary Rodham Clinton."

4. "I ain't walkin' into no spooky light to save some little white girl. Carol Ann can f**k herself."

5. ORA:"Father/ Yes son?/ I want to kill you/ Mother, I want to...f*** you..." This part of Obama's stage act was creepy and pretentious, but the fans loved it.

So True, Best of Jonathan
I'll take "Posters found on the bathroom wall in Bill Keller's home" for $200, Alex.

Best of metalgarth
No one in Springfield could be sure that it wasn't a Freudian Slip when Carl broke into a rendition of LENNY and the Jets at Moe's Kareoke night.

Best of Chrees
"Everyone say it with me... MONORAIL!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"...a little something called 'Camptown Races.' Hit it!"

Best of divine miss m
"Rhythm, rhythm, you people! Come on, black guys? Help the white guys."

Best of Shayne
Obama had no idea that there were subway cars in Ohio and Hillary knew how to drive one.

Best of Mr. Right
Moments after this picture was taken, all traces of the Senator had vanished. Hillary clinton was arrested soon afterward when a working Star Trek phaser was found in her purse.

Best of trigger girlie
Obama's entry into The Guiness World Book of Records was successful after he has uncovered "the biggest ego" category. He is the first human to consider himself a galaxy, complete with his own planets and moons revolving around him.

Best of Cybrludite
"...and she didn't mean it was the ACTUAL first time she has been proud of her country. She actually meant to say it was the first time she was proud of her adult film career..."

Best of Submariner
B.O. recreates a scene from Flashdance, but without the soundtrack, hot blonde and water deluge.

If you see your mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her...


You wanted it, you gotted it.

1. Once again, Hillary meets an old friend on the campaign trail

2. I must be drunk, I'm having double vision.

3. Visiting Microsoft headquarters, Hilldog learns that "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet" is actually a Satanic incantation.

4. Altar to Satan? Prominent display of anal beads? Has the DNC convention started already?

5. "Your school mascot is the 'Barbed Cocks of Satan?' I'm sure there's a wonderful story behind that."

Best of Cybrludite
Satan, having met his match fades out of the contest...

Best of Submariner
"Your school logo just makes me want to touch myself..."

Best of metalgarth
ehhhh... I think the pictures of Eddie on the classic Iron Maiden records are much scarier.

Best of Mr. Right
Separated at birth?

Best of trigger girlie
Hillary felt that putting up family photos at the campain venue would boost her confidence. Little did she know...

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Checking in with Melissa Therieu


1. Hey! That pen is a FlexGrip(tm)! (What the Hell is wrong with me?)

2. "And its stuffed... I mean, tough, to get your tits out... to get out on the campaign trail and make scissor me... and make decisions ... that affect people's oh-goddess-I-want-to-fist-you-so-hard..." Hillary's final meltdown occurred unexpectedly during an interview with French TV.

3. Isn't it funny how sometimes you get distracted and you just can't finish what you

Best of Jack Reacher
"Thanks for talking with us, Gallant, and Goofus...Goofus. Yo! My eyes are up here, Goofus!"

Best of Capt. Queeg
Judging from the microphone placement, it looks like we're finally in for a debate between two boobs worth watching.

Best of Chrees
Pop quiz: How do you make announcing 400 cars went up in flames last night palatable?

Work It

1. Silly blond, that's not how you use a side table.

2. Those boots don't go with that outfit at all. Let me help you out of that outfit.

3. Eventually, Lange's coffee house drove Starbucks out of business because most people would rather drink coffee next to this than next to pale, skinny, pretentious nerds tapping away on their Powerbooks.

4. "Thanks, Juan Valdez, I love swallowing your juice. Oh, and the coffee's good, too."

5. ORA: Now that's a damn fine cup of joe. Damn fine!

Very Brady Best of curly
Joan’s table dance seemed to lack enthusiasm, to say the least.

Very Brady Best of prince of leaves
"What are the odds?" asked a surprised John Edwards. "I have that SAME table!"

Best of Army of Mom
"Look at her roots. For God's sakes, her roots are a different color than her hair," Silky Pony bemoaned.

Best of Submariner
♪ Them boots were made for spreadin'... and that's just what they'll do! ♪

Best of attmay
Lange's Fine Collectibles attempts in vain to get straight guys interested in antiques.

Best of curly
Janet Reno’s home décor is different than that of the average citizen’s.

Best of GOP & College
Sully: *scoff* She WISHES she knew how to wear that outfit as good as I do.


Best of Gagdad Bob
"What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen someone grind coffee beans with her kegel muscles before?"

Best of Two Dogs
Immediately upon seeing the new Lange Coffee ad campaign, President Obama dispatched the new International One-World Safety Police to arrest Janine for not wearing a helmet while rollerblading.

Best of Shayne
Ya know what else is blue? Yep, both of 'em!

Best of Army of Dad
No, the blonde is supposed to go under the desk!

Best of ThatGayConservative
ORA: "You were right, Streebeck, they do have good coffee."

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Enter the Dragon



1. Gesundheit.

2. Hillary's visit to their small village was commemorated for many years afterward.

3. How Amy Winehouse eats a Reeses.

4. Gene Simmons presents The Mikado.

5. Sorry, should have warned you. That pilot light's a little tricky.

Best of Adjustah
Although her efforts were somewhat misguided, she genuinely wanted to surprise her boyfriend on Steak and Blowjob Day.

Best of Jack Reacher
Sometimes that not-so-fresh feeling is pretty hard to hide.

Best of Chrees
How the rumor that BK's slogan is "flamed broiled boogers" got started.

Best of prince of leaves
Look at the adam's apple -- she's clearly a dragon queen.

Best of prince of leaves
In a scene thankfully cut from the courtship sequence in "The Clone Wars", Amidala impresses Anakin with her fireball-blowing abilities, to which he responds with a startling demonstration of Force-enhanced pyroflatulation.

Best of Army of Mom
I show him. Make me squeeze my feet into tiny shoes. Tell me only one baby and it has to be a boy. Come here, honey, I want to give you a blow job.

Best of curly
Don’t braze me, ho.

Best of Submariner
There's only one really sure way to sterilize your microphone after Gavin Newsome has used it...

Best of attmay
Yeah, okay, but where's the crouching tiger?

Best of Submariner
It appears the concept of the "When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty..." ad campaign couldn't be more beyond the Chinese.

This Just Creeps Me Out for Some Reason

Brender and others...


1. And Barack shall call him... Mini-Messiah.

2. The Lollipop Guild was rocked today by another "juicing" scandal.

3. Entry #64 in the "Metaphor for the American military under Barack Obama" photoshop contest.

4. Hans. Franz. A midget Detroit hooker. A fault prophylactic. It doesn't take CSI to figure this one out.

5. Well, somebody's gonna get their six months free at Match dot com.

Best of Submariner
Mom? Your prom date is here...

Best of Submariner
SPORTING NEWS: Columbia's lone representative at the NFL Combine had a somewhat disappointing performance in the bench press today, managing only a 1/2 second rest before squeaking "Get this m*f* off me!".

Best of Army of Dad
"I'm tired of getting arrested after asking for pediatric size condoms! Little people are people too."

Best of Chrees
...so I asked the genie for a little head...and, well, you know the rest...

Best of prince of leaves
Nano-Me.

Best of mklasing
The computer graphic artists for 'Allah of the Rings' had so much trouble creating their version of a Hobbit.

Best of GregMan
"I don't understand. I work out at the gym, drive a flashy car, and have a great tan. Why can't I get laid?"

Best of Army of Mom
We represent the bodybuilder guild. The bodybuilder guild.

Best of Submariner
Ussef made a fortune in mideast oil. Offended at being unable to find right-sized housing, he built his own mega-apartment complex completely sized for himself, and he allows any "little person" to live there rent free. They were instantly dubbed "Ussef's Stay Free Mini Pads" of course...

Best of Submariner
Lindsay Lohan was apalled; "I thought you told me he HAD a 12" prick, Paris, not that he IS a 12" prick..."

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Just Run With It, Guys


1. "Just remind them how John McCain napalmed their village. If they don't have any money, they'll at least cough up an oxen or two for my Texas fundraising barbecue."

2. "Looks like that pad Thai went straight to your ass, as usual." Chelsea hoped the creepy smile would be a defense against her mother's Wiccan telepathy.

3. "I hate you."

4. "These Asian diuretics are just useless ...ooooh, wait, there it goes."

5. "Goddess, what was in those brownies Kucinich sent over?"

Wicked Best of Adjustah
"Ok, so when McCain comes through the door we all yell, 'Surprise!', O.K.?"

Best of divine miss m
Prymatt and Connie haven't aged a day!

Best of Submariner
♪ We are Siamese, if you please...♪

Best of Gagdad Bob
"No more jokes about eating Rice, okay?"

Best of Chrees
Just a typical Sunnydale day when the hellmouth opens...

Best of metalgarth
Least desired result from Google when searching for "Hot Asian girl on girl action"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Screw the Presidency, just start calling me Ming the Merciless."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Me love you long-time, too, Mom; I mean, what's your point?

Best of Jack Reacher
"And they're lined with aluminum foil, so that will help with the Kucinich voters."

Best of ShoeChick
Why yes, sometimes I do get that not so fresh feeling. Why do you ask, Mom?

Best of prince of leaves
The Centauri first contact team's jump points formed above the Clinton women's heads, inadvertently pulling them both into the harsh red fog of hyperspace. The diplomatic snafu was quickly forgiven.

Best of attmay
Thought bubble over Hillary's head: "Good God. $15,000 for orthodontists and braces and she still looks like a giraffe."

Best of Van Helsing
The Clintons sought safety in hats that deflect Karl Rove's mind control beams, but they were useless against B.O.'s asymmetrical, low-tech threat.

No Country For Old Men


1. "No Country for Old Men? But I love Brooks and Dunn!"

2. "Gitch yer crazy gizmos and whatnot away from me!"

3. "What do you mean I can't run any more ads until after the convention? Who the hell writes these crazy campaign finance laws?"

4. John McCain comes clean about his affair with Mary Todd Lincoln.

5. In the middle of his speech, McCain begins inexplicably rambling about how hard it is to find things at the Wal-Mart.

Best of AM42
OJA: "All of the sudden, this huge lion jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAARRRRRRRRRR!' Well, I just shit my pants."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I believe I have enough delegates from all...wait, fifty states? When did we get the last two?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and that's why I use Life Alert."

Best of metalgarth
Randy said his performance was great. Paula did a little dance in her chair. Simon called him "a talentless hack with no future" but gave no assesment of his musical ability.

Best of GregMan
"...and if elected I will do all I can to protect the jobs of auto workers at Pierce Arrow, Studebaker and Rambler."

Best of Gagdad Bob
Technology, schmecnology. A fax machine is just a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Best of Chrees
...and that is why I sponsored legislation to call it the "Matlock Expressway."

Best of foz
Yes, that's right... I store them in my cheek until I get back to the nest.

Best of prince of leaves
"Screeching harpie: H-I-L-L-A-R-Y. Screeching harpie."

Best of Submariner
"Border control - A-M-N-E-S-T-Y - border control"

He's not the Messiah, He's a Very Naughty Boy

1. Depends Undergarments: For the Islamist on the go!

2. Race Bannon and Hadji, the later years.

3. "And when the scars from your horn removal surgery have healed, no one will suspect you come from a Hell realm."

4. "Ever since those Michael Jordan/Cuba Gooding Hanes commercials, I just can't get underwear off my mind."

5. As a desperate prank, Hillary staffers TP Obama.

Best of Adjustah
"No, of course I don't mind - nobody's ever going to see this picture..."

Best of Rodney Dill
You're a better man than Hill is, Gunga Din.

Best of The Man
Are you are done playing with my table cloth?

Best of Whacko
"Jeez, I hope I can change out of this costume before too long. Hey! 'hope' and 'change' sound good enough to build a candidacy around." And the rest is history.

Best of Submariner
Thanks for the outfit; Michelle said "for the first time" in her adult life that she's proud of me.

Best of Jonathan
"Fine. My name is Toby!"

Best of curly
“Sure, I had your white hippy mom back in the day. So did every other black man from here to Tanzania.”

Best of curly
“This should halp the stupid infidel pigs forget about the Che Guevara posters, your refusal to salute the flag or wear a patriotic lapel pen.”

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Saay, this new criss-cross design really does lift and separate!"

Best of Submariner
Riffing on OG: Deciding that claiming to be a Christian was too divisive among voters, Obama begins his own religion, centered on himself.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Sondra K


1. "Oh, by Great Lenin's Ghost, I do so enjoy a good ripping fart."

2. "So you say human fat can be made into bio-fuel?" Al Gore realizes he's one "harvest" away from fueling his Lear jet for the next fifty years.

3. "Charge me for two seats at the Oscars. I'll show them! I'll make a documentary that will show how Hollywood exploits ... Oh, hey, is that a Little Debbie?"

4. "I don't know son! It looks like the planet Mercury but what it's doing down here. I don't know. You'd better ask a scientist.

5. Of course I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead. [on the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive... myself.
[Farts]

6. ORA: (for Divine Miss M) In later years, Michael Moore wandered around Ann Arbor, screeching along to Prince tunes on his iPod. ♫ "Ah just want your extra time and your... KISS!" ♫

Wicked Best of Adjustah
As she lost touch over the years with the other members of Mystery Inc., Thelma drowned her loneliness in a steady diet of Ben & Jerry's, Snickers and Jolt Cola.

Best of Gagdad Bob
The deluded swagger of a man confident in the belief that "black is slimming."

Best of mklasing
In an ironic twist, Mr. Moore was a victim of his own research into his new documentary entitled "Can Eating 3 Bags of Funyuns Induce Downs' Syndrome"

Best of joe schmedlap
"Corky" seems so happy to be working agin after years of down time after "Life goes on" was cancelled.

Best of Silhouette
In related news, a worldwide shortage of black fabric drove prices through the roof, backrupting many smaller nations.

Best of Robert
Hyacinth Bucket to MM: I do believe you're expanding deliberately.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Death to Capitalism, and the..oh, hey, my limo's here."

Best of mklasing
Moore was giddy at the request that his back be used as a screen for movie clips at this year's Oscars.

Best of Army of Mom
And then I said "not so fast, Sun Li. I saw the open sign lit up as I was walking up. You can't close down the buffet line just because you see me coming."

Best of Submariner
I laughed. I cried. I amused myself in the hair of the lady in front of me...

Best of Van Helsing
"Ha! Smelliest one I ever let! That'll teach them for not giving me an Oscar!"

Best of ShoeChick
Silent but deadly my ass. This one will break the sound barrier.

Never Having to Say Your Sari



1. "Laura, I've converted to Islam. Meet your new co-wives."

2. ORA: The little bushman was eventually able to swap the Coke bottle for three comely maidens from a neighboring tribe.

3. "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just isn't the same..."

4. "No more wishes? But I thought you were a 'Magic' Negro?"

5. Bosley had mixed feelings about Charlie's Affirmative Action program.

6. The Thriller 25 Year Anniversary Tour starkly revealed the ravages of Michael Jackson's plastic surgery and skin beaching.

7. Ironically, when Bush and his new Secret Service detail stopped off at Target, store security tailed them the entire trip.

8. "We love you, W." "Shut up, baby, I know it."

9. "OK, Shenene, Latrina, Velvita... let's do this thang before my laxative kicks in...."

10. November 5, 2007: President George W. Bush celebrates his 30th wedding anniversary at 'Hot Chocolate' in Houston, TX. Not pictured, Mrs. Bush.

Best of Submariner
They's takin' me shoppin' over ta Old Navy, Laura. Don't wait up...

Best of metalgarth
Every so often, classic soul acts go out on tour without any of the original members because unscruplous business managers control rights to the catalog of music and the band name. It happened to the Temptations, the Four Tops and now ... Glaydis Knight and the Pips.

Best of GregMan
"Livonia sure has changed since the last time I campaigned here."

Best of curly
“This ground up rhino horn sh1t really works!”

Best of curly
While Barack was having his deram, Bush was working on his harem.

Best of Chrees
"Huh, I thought the Ethimopians would be all sad-like..."

Best of Jack Reacher
I dunno, looks like the cover of a particularly funky JC Penney catalog, if you ask me.

Best of Army of Mom
Check out the tans Laura, Jenna and Barbara got while in Africa.

Best of Submariner
Shenene, Latrina, Velvita were not happy when daddy wouldn't let them keep the new chimp...

Best of ochagirl
I, for one, welcome our sexy obsidian-skinned leaders.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

That's Not Right

Wholesome Cana from the Shoe Chick


1. Jenny wins for being the only one to correctly indicate John McCain's political leanings.

2. Jenny suddenly realized she had shaved the wrong pit.

3. And then they all cornered Screech in the restroom and it was the best episode of Saved by the Bell Evah!

4. Jenny subtly hints to her lesbian team-mates that she "plays for the other team."

5. Despite enormous peer pressure, Jenny chooses not to point and laugh at the girls who didn't make the squad.

Best of Double the U
Okay girls, the pool, I want you to point to the pool.

Best of attmay
Page 21 of "Not-So-Great Moments In Deodorant Advertising"

Best of Van Helsing
No, your other right.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"There wolf... There castle..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"We know you like McCain, Jenny, but enough already with the Maverick stuff."

Best of There is no Dana Only Zuul
The Lubbock UFO Watchers Club was pleased with the success of its high school outreach.

Best of Silhouette
Jenny went on to become the dentist that doesn't recommend sugarless gum for their patients that chew gum.

Best of Submariner
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, and tree fitty...

Best of curly
20:1…Sounds like the Obama vs. Hillary stats in another primary.

Best of mklasing
Despite the promises of the Act, Jenny could no longer hide that she had in fact been "left behind."

Best of GregMan
And now, another exciting game of, "Spot The Blonde!"

Best of ShoeChick
I'M IN UR SKOOLS TEECHING YUR KIDZ DIREKSHUNS.

The Horror of the Stock Footage



1. 1 second after Obama said "'Scuse me while I whip this out!"

2. A voter learns what her taxes will be under an Obama administration.

3. "Jeez, Peggy, if this is how you're going to react every time you see a Mexican in our neighborhood..."

4. "Jeez, Peggy, if this is how you're going to react every time you see a man being f**ked by a horse..."

5. "Jeez, Peggy, what did you *think* he was going to paint our group portrait with?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I totally understand her feelings," said John Edwards. "I mean, that hair.

Best of Submariner
How COULD you bring a smelly pirate hooker to the church ice cream social, Curly?

Best of Submariner
"Jeez, Peggy, if this is how you're going to react every time you see Ted in his swimsuit..."

Best of attmay
"For goodness sakes, Madge, if you don't want to see the giraffe with the donkey maybe you should just turn your head away!"

Best of Van Helsing
For the love of God, Mrs. Clinton, put it back in your pants!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The scariest Twilight Zone EVER!:
"...and now, with the State of the Union address, President Ronald Paul..."

Best of Silhouette
"Yes, yes, 50-ft grasshoppers, whatever. Have any of you seen my earrings?"

Best of ochagirl
The man to the left of the screaming lady is clearly Mentos fresh and full of life.

Best of curly
Choose the right answer and win a free laptop: Q: What’s black and white and scary as hell?
A1: Barack Hussein Obama
A2: this picture

Best of Whacko
"Look out! Its Micharl Moore and he is gravitating this way! Oh the humanity!"

Friday, February 22, 2008

Pricasso

Surprisingly, Not Timmeh!


1. This is the picture where Hillary found inspiration for her post-presidential career as Georgia O'Queef.

2. He's doing a caricature of John McCain. How M.C. Escher. A prick drawing a prick.

3. "Some southern chap named 'Edwards' on the phone. Says he owns the largest house east of the Mississippi River and wants to know if you could do a Sistine Chapel thing over the giraffe enclosure."

4. "Break out the viagra! I've just been commissioned to do 12,000 campaign posters for Ron Paul."

5. Why are the Berkeley police incapable of arresting the vandalism suspects? This is is their sketch artist.

Best of Whacko
A little dab'll do ya!

Best of Jack Reacher
Consult with an art critic if you experience a painting session lasting more than four hours.

Best of Gagdad Bob
Obviously influenced by the school of Old Dutch Masturbators.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Army of Mom, your prom date's been arrested again."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I'm losing a little inspiration here... Could you rub your nipples and try to look a little more 'two pictures ago'?"

Best of Rodney Dill
(OJA) Expose yourself to art

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"All you need is the desire to make beautiful things happen on canvas. With Bob's fantastic wet-on-wet technique(tm) and a little dedicated practice, masterpieces that you never dreamed possible will flow from your brush" --Bob Ross

Best of ochagirl
Meet Liberal Arts student, John Doe. When life gives you lemons, you paint portraits with your thingy.

Best of Gagdad Bob
Critics consider him a seminal artist.

Best of Van Helsing
These days you have to push tastelessness that extra mile to get an NEA grant.

Best of Submariner
Guess how he mixes his burnt umbar brown?

Best of prince of leaves
He was trying to imitate Diego Rivera, but ended up with a Dirty Sanchez.

And Now Another Fun-Filled Episode of "Inter-Species Romance!"

Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Red, Red, Red

1. NSFW Thursdays ... the Enumclaw Edition.

2. Kind of like Gary Coleman's honeymoon in reverse.

3. Yes, it was painful for the participants and awkward for the spectators, but enough about Hillary and Obama at the DNC convention.

4. Paul Raposo is once again painfully reminded that everybody is getting some except him.

5. "Hello, Carolina Contracting? This is John Edwards. I'd like to add a giraffe enclosure to my massive estate. Don't ask why, just do it!"

6. Inspired by the scene, a Microsoft programmer went back to work and wrote Vista.

7. Giraffe --- /n/ mammal, eats, shoots, and leaves.

8. Since Jim Carrey passed on Ace Ventura 3, the producers had to find other ways of attracting an audience.

9. To combat declining attendance, the San Diego zoo spikes the water with V>1>agr>a.

10. "And, as you can see, as the Bush Tax cuts are repealed, our revenue growth will... Oh, Sweet Ayatollah of Krakatoa..." A Clinton operative sabotages Obama's Powerpoint presentation to the Economic Club of Ohio.

Best of The Man
Disney should have thought twice about hiring Ang Lee to direct Lion King 4.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Eeyore! NOOOOOOOOO!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I thought I remembered Democrats yelling something about "If George Bush gets re-elected, he'll reinstate the giraffe!"

Best of curly
For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of giraffes because it feels like trans-speciesism is finally making a comeback.

Best of curly
Giraffes are the opiates of the asses.

Best of GregMan
"Bring your pet to work day" at the Folsom Street Fair went horribly wrong.

Best of Jay Guevara
The Republican Party never regretted switching from the elephant to the giraffe as its symbol.

Best of Submariner
Shrek! HALP me, Shrek!

Best of Army of Dad
Despite the nice persona on camera selling toys to children, Geoffrey had a dark side.

Best of Adjustah
On the set of the direct-to-video release of Madagascar 2: When Melman Ploughed Marty.

Best of Double the U
"Alright! Rusty's in the club!"

Thursday, February 21, 2008

She Knows What She Is


1. Nice hood ornament. Or, should I say, ornaments.

2. The "Grille Buff" option is an extra $200, but definitely worth it.

3. You know you're old when you look at this picture and think about when a fill-up, and a hand-job, were both $20.

4. "Michael, I am detecting the presence of multiple STD's and at least one recent abortion." KITT is updated for the 21st century.

5. 'Ow to speak Awstralyun: "Speed Bump."

Breast of Son Of The Godfather
Hoshi wasn't sure why Captain Archer required her linguistic skills on this particular away mission.

Breast of Silhouette
Just moments before impact, they all heard, "Face it. I'm older and have more insurance."

Breast of Gagdad Bob
Now, that's my idea of parts and service.

Breast of curly
“The chrome on the bumper hitch is missing, and it’s covered with saliva!”

Breast of Jack Reacher
Despite its enchanting video, "Fun, Fun, Fun 'Till Her Pimp Takes the Hyundai Away" hit the charts at a disappointing 97, and tapered off from there.

Breast of Adjustah
As Britney slept in the back, Sean Preston inadvertently drove through another photo shoot...

Breast of Chrees
"This is your Action 5 traffic 'copter...At the intersection of Babe Blvd. and Cameltoe Drive there appears to be rubberneckers slowing down traffic..."

Breast of GregMan
Once the Archbishop of Canterbury thought a little about what we'd no longer have under sharia law, he changed his mind and said "Kill the f**kers!"

Breast of Rodney Dill
"Outta the way honey, gas is down to $2.78 a gallon at the Speedway, I'm outta here."

"Your 'air is ovair your right eux" *


1. Wesley Crusher's evil double from the Mirror Universe was... an undeniable improvement.

2. Hell of a backdraft in here, isn't there?

3. Well, I can certainly understand why ennui wouldn't want to lose its grasp.

4. Cap This's transition to a hard core pr0n blog was so gradual few of the regulars noticed.

5. In her spare time, Veronica loves to cruise online chatrooms, pretending to be a pale, acne-ridden computer nerd.

Best of curly
“I don’t feel no ways tired”…An exhausted and spent Veronica is amazed at the insatiable sexual appetites of the Hildabeast.

Best of curly
The Obama Team’s production of the ‘The Vagina Monologues’ script was limited to a minimalistic repetition of “Yes we can!...Yes we can!...Yes we can!”.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
That looks like Alyssa Milano, all growed up nice... Apparently Tony Danza was the boss.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Q: What's black and white and about to be covered with my DNA?

Best of Jack Reacher
"If you're very good, I'll let you see....the other side of my face."

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I have this outfit and hairstyle (the morning after rough sex and a bender!)

Best of prince of leaves
"Ohdeargod," Veronica whimpered as she slammed the door shut behind her. "Not the Fuller Brush Man again!"



* Inside Family Joke. (IFJ)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Inscrutable Asian Goes to Some Weird Theme Park


1. "Mama-san... it's that thing that kills a kitten every time I masturbate."

2. "Help, Mama-san! Roland Emmerich has unleashed horrible CGI upon us!"

3. "Mama-san, help! Tinky-Winky's rough trick is giving me the eye!"

4. "Your Pathetic Race Will KNEEL Before the Galactic Legions of Lord... Hey, Kid, I'm talking to you!"

5. The Secret Love-Child of Spongebob and Grimmis.

Super Incredible Best of Rodney Dill
Gozer; "Damn, the kid was thinking of mini-chocolate marshmallows."

Best of Jack Reacher
At Geology Fun Park, Sediment Man failed to enthuse the children.

Best of Jack Reacher
At the RIAA's new theme park, colorful characters roam among the visitors. Here Digital Rights Management demands royalties from a young computer user.

Best of Rodney Dill
Do not taunt happy fudge bar.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Kid, you'd look angry too if you didn't have any private parts."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Nah, I'm not scared of you. Without olfactory or auditory mechanisms, and lacking any sort of dexterity whatsoever, I'd say Darwinism will take care of you and your kind in no time."

Best of Tim
the other parents watched with a sort of relief , as the spirit god of potty training selected it's unknowing sacrifice.

Best of Silhouette
The "Draw Domo-kun" contest was aborted when they received the one millionth perfect entry.

Best of Silhouette
In his latest novel, Evil Openings, an ordinary garage door opener goes on a killing rampage. Even Stephen King himself admits he is just plain out of ideas.

Best of Army of Dad
Next on Fox: When dominos attack!

Best of Mr. Right
[Level 257!]
Pokey's sudden materialization in the third dimension was to be short lived. Little did he know that the kid had a pocket full of energizer dots at the ready for just such an occasion!

Best of curly
Calamity ensued at the amusement park after Senator Larry Craig’s spastic men’s room toe tapping inadvertently conjured up a death beast from another dimension.

Pimped Out



1. Two words, Chels: Dandruff. Shampoo.

2. Two people who won't be voting for Maverick come November

3. "And then John Edwards said he wanted to get into my mom's pants, but they were at least three sizes too big for him..." Chelsea recalls the 2004 DNC convention.

4. "So, you're one of my mom's 'friends.' Nice Harley."

5. "I don't see what's so great about Michelle Obama," Chelsea huffed. "I've never been proud of my country!"

Best of Double the U
This is what happens when you let Chelsea do the pimping.

Best of Submariner
Tonight on a very special "Pimp My Ride;" Chelsea Clinton.

Best of curly
Chelsea will never know what it’s like to be pimped until she’s been pimped out by Bush’s Death Pimps.

Best of Jack Reacher
John Edwards said "I can't believe I'm losing to someone who campaigns with split ends."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Chelsea was hoping that animosity towards her mother was all just a bad deram.

Obama Nation

Shayne and D of R

This just captions itself.


Best of Whacko
The "DRAEM" or "DERAM" is that their children will win the upcoming spelling bee.

Best of Rodney Dill
They were just spelling using 'abonnicks.'

Best of The Man
Q: How do you know they were Obama fans?
A: They copied each other.

Best of curly
Who knew that the Word Verification scrambler was an Obama supporter?

Best of GregMan
STOG, yur prum dayt iz heer.

Best of ShoeChick
Deram was the record label that produced such artists as Bananarama, The Flower Pot Men, Iron Virgin and Beefcake. Nice to see that this guy is proud to have been a part of that moment in music history.

Best of Jack Reacher
Technology analysts report DRAM chip prices have fallen so far that they're often sold by street vendors, even those who can't spell DRAM.

Best of Silhouette
Worst. Anagrams. Ever.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
A "deram" is a wish your "haret" makes.

Best of divine miss m
I have a nightmaer.

Best of mklasing
"Here in Corpus Christi, Texas we see the results of 8 years of the lesser known No Chile Left Back fo Nuthin' Act."

Best of mklasing
In Corpus Christi, loyal Kucinich supporters appeal to the rulers of planet Yendor who are known for their affinity of fried Draem and pickled Deram.

Best of prince of leaves
"I dream of a world where a man is judged not by the color of his pens, but by the sequence of his characters."

Best of prince of leaves
Sweet derams til sun bemas find you

sweet draems that leave our worries behind you.
But in your derams
whatever they be

deram a little draem of me.

Best of prince of leaves
Oh great. Making fun of the dyslexic. Raed their stoyr. Educamate yoursleves. Monors.

Best of Mr. Right
Adraem and Aderam were later released unharmed.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Necesita Un Pueblo



1. "Senora, tell me more out this 'pimped out' daughter of yours."

2. "Why, Pedro, how did you ever escape from my gingerbread house?"

3. Castro's hand-picked successor is warmly welcomed to Havana.

4. "You must be the little boy John Edwards wants to give the pony to, the one he said he wanted to 'bareback' with.'"

5. "Do you have a sister?"

6. "Yeah, can you just hold them right there until I can get the image of Scarlett Johansen making out with Natalie Portman out of my head... oh, damn."

7. (Sigh) "Who's Bill sorry for banging this time?"

8. Dennis Kucinich was happy and excited to be named Ambassador to Mexico.

9. ORA: "Well, Mrs. Clinton, if you win, there will be injustice, suffering, and a threat to liberty on a massive scale. The other two amigos should be here momentarily."

10. ORA: The last thought to go through Pedro's mind: "What the hell does this gringo bitch mean by kali-ma, kali-ma?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Thank you for the flowers, Pedro! My staff will see that you get a voter registration card."

Best of The Man
A female president, midget mexican assassins, and Jack Bauer on trial. With a start to season 7 of 24, maybe the writers should go back on strike.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Wonder Woman = invisible jet
Cankles Clinton = invisible toilet

Best of mklasing
Hillary's new campaign manager seemed to think that a rally with teachers and midget mariachi players would increase her vote totals. She was beheaded later that afternoon.
Best of Rodney Dill
"Outta the way lady, I wanna see Presidente Obama."

Best of Whacko
"Look little nino, there's been a mistake. When a told my staff I needed a little breather, I didn't mean you.

Best of Merchant of Venom
"I know you're illegal sweetheart... but you have to wait until your 16 to get a drivers license."

What Fresh Hell is This?

Timmeh (of course)


1. Vince Vaughan as John Edwards and Divine as Elizabeth Edwards in "Hairspray, Harridan, and Hope: The Story of the 2008 Democratic Primaries."

2. Larry Craig... no-o-o-o-o-o-o!

3. "John Waters latest film The Red Bathroom is the sure cure for filmgoers disenchanted with mainstream twaddle like Juno." -- Roger Ebert in Pretentious Douchebag Monthly.

4. On the left, the Tennessee version of "petite." On the right, the Berkeley version of "manly." (Or, is it the other way around?)

5. ORA: On the season finale of Prison Break, Teabag easily talks his way out of the trannie's demand for a hand job.

Best of Gagdad Bob
The new transsexual bathrooms at UC Berkeley created some initial confusion, with MTFs and FTMs vying for the same stall.

Best of Jack Reacher
Venues for Green Party caucuses are often pretty small.

Best of Jack Reacher
What are the odds? Rudy Giuliani has both those outfits!

Best of The Man
Welcome to the Tulsans for Ron Paul headquarters. Would you like a spritz of cologne?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
John Candy and Lance Henrickson are unconventional Alcoholics Anonymous sponsors in the wacky new Fox series, Divine Intervention.

Best of prince of leaves
Due to the strike, "Heroes" characters Maya and Sylar had to be re-cast.

Best of prince of leaves
A scene from David Lynch's predictably strange remake of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane".

Best of Rodney Dill
"You need knee pads? here use my Koran."

Best of Gregory
Gary Coleman's new In-Laws.

What Willis May Have Been Talking About



1. So, their reception was held at a Ponderosa steak house? What happened to all those sweet, sweet Diff'rent Strokes royalties?

2. Just as I suspected, Dennis Kucinich was Gary Coleman in whiteface, all along.

3. Something old, Coleman's career... something new, collagen cheek injections... something borrowed, John Edwards tiara ... and something blue, Coleman's balls.

4. "And as soon as The Kid from Left Field comes out on DVD, we'll be able to afford a set of teeth for her lower jaw."

5. Later that night, Steve Urkel and Emmanuel Lewis would try to make the Eiffel Tower over a willing bridesmaid, but their arms just didn't quite reach.

Best of Submariner
"Dana introduced us after they were in a movie together..."

Best of Jack Reacher
Who set up the buffet table at the edge of the Grand Canyon, anyway?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Gary, I'm not a virgin..."
"What you talkin' bout, Phylis?"

Best of Submariner
And in the morning? Gary's makin' waffles!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Get a Room, Part II


1. "It's all right, maverick. I'm sure Heath Ledger is in a better place."

2. Despite Maverick's bragging, W was pretty sure he crapped bigger.

3. "Sssh, sssh, it's all right. It's just a man and a horse being hanged."

4. "Whoa, that Osama, or whatever his name is, is one heck of a square dance caller!"

5. "Tell me again how you're going to give citizenship to 20 million third world socialists. It gets me S-o-o-o-o hawt!"

6. "Getitoff!Getitoff!Getitoff!Getitoff!"

7. Maverick was touched by W's birthday gift, not realizing the collection of Matlock DVD's was meant to be a gag.

8. W was going to kill whoever picked Barry Manilow's "Looks Like We Made It" as the background music for this event.

9. The Axxe Effect goes horribly awry.

10. Beneath the smile, W seethed. I am *never* going to get the old man smell out of this shirt.

Best of Capt. Queeg
Bush Pimps Death

Best of Jack Reacher
"Maverick, this isn't what I meant when I asked how you'd stimulate the base."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Good so far, George. Now put you right hand on my left cheek and start grinding."

Best of mklasing
W pretends to hug him as once again the elderly Maverick has fallen asleep during a rally.

Best of Submariner
W's thought bubble; "Note to self - don't let Laura use Snuggles brand fabric softener sheets again before a McLame rally..."

Best of Robert
Praise Jesus! He can walk! Hallelujah!

Best of attmay
"Keep it above the waist, Johnny-boy. I've still got Karl Rove on speed-dial."

Best of Double the U
Oh yes Timmy you should be proud of your Special Olympics med... Oh John McCain... well how you doin' there sport?

Best of curly
“No John, you can’t have one of my kidneys, so quit squeezing the merchandise.”

Best of Jonathan
"Sorry, George, but your milkshake brings THIS boy to the yard!"

Best of Army of Mom
I love you, man!

I Almost Feel Bad Picking on her at this Point... No, I don't



1. Irene didn't actually support Mrs. Clinton, she just wanted to meet the "pimped out" daughter she had heard so much about.

2. "No, senator, I'm the 'Soccer Mom' super-delegate, the tranny super-delegate is the behemoth on your right."

3. Dennis Kucinich wanted to assure Mrs. Clinton there were no hard feelings, even at the risk of ruining his freshly painted $80 nails.

4. "Where's Mrs Kucinich? Um, I think she just went into the Ladies Room with Bill."

5. Hillary was soon able to confirm, they were real, albeit, not that spectacular.

Best of shoechick
Thank God it's lunch time. I'm starving.

Best of Double the U
Irene, I have seen you since you were between my legs at that kegger in college!

Best of Submariner
Moments later, the US celebrated a car swarm for the first time...

Best of mklasing
In a new strategy to make Ms. Clinton cry at every stop, she forces herself to hug the ugliest supporter at the rally.

Best of Submariner
"Pero no deseé a puta del pirata del hedor... Sorry, wrong demographic - good to see you again, Irene."

Best of curly
“Thank Gaia I can still count on the lesbo vote!”

Best of Jonathan
George Romero's "Campaign of the Dead" was a box office dud, considering there were no brains for the zombies to eat.

Best of GregMan
"Somebody who's still going to vote for me? Hallelujah!"

Dr. Freud, call for you on line 1



1. "And then you hold the smoke in your lungs as long as you can, like this here, and pass the joint to the friend on your left ..."

2. "Number 12, the pump is on. Number 12, your pump is on," the career Barack Obama is actually qualified for.

3. Obama explains to skeptical Democrats how he will ascend into heaven and save them all from their sins.

4. "Whoa, this microphone has peanut butter and cheesidue all over it. I'm gonna kill that stinky fat kid."

5. "Swing your partner, dosey-doe! Hold on tight and don't let go!" (Is there no end to Obama's talents?)

Best of curly
“Here’s how Larry Sinclair was ‘working it’ in the back of the limo whilst I was smoking crack.”

Best of Submariner
"...and this here's my O face..."

Best of Army of Mom
B8. B8. The lady in the back is indicating she has a Bingo. Let's check her board.

Best of duke of red
"Hillary, you OBVIOUSLY don't understand what to do with a penis. Here, allow me to demonstrate...."

Best of shoechick
No, Senator Obama, whistling the theme from the Andy Griffith Show while standing in front of the American flag will not make the voters in the South forget that you are a black man.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Thank you, please pull forward to the first window."

Best of divine miss m
"I'd like to talk about politics, but first, a little 'Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe'."

Best of Mr. Right
Dozens of fatalities from alcohol poisoning have been reported at Obama rallies after drinking games were foolishly initiated using the words "change" and "hope".

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey Hillary, watch me plagiarize Monica."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Go Ahead, You Know You Want To




Very Very Brady Brady Best of attmay
From the coffee table book "Teabagged by the Classics," now available from Cap This Press.

Best of racerboy
I didn't know they got that big...

Best of Dr. Hardcrab
"Ah assure you mine is bigger...."

Best of Gagdad Bob
Yes, I agree that it's inappropriate to have some dick hanging around my campaign and going over my head. But enough about Bill....

Best of Robert
The crowd fell silent when suddenly, unexpectedly, the statue began to tinkle.

Best of Jack Reacher
"You'll see America standing behind me, taking aim for a better future..."

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh sure, the Michelangelo is nice, but I'm more of a Georgia O'Keefe kind of girl, you know what ah'm talkin' about."

Best of Submariner
It looked just like my clenis, only smaller...

Best of duke of red
And that was the closest Hillary had been to an exposed penis in a loooong time.

Best of Paul
OK, who sent over the props from the John Edwards campaign?

Best of Silhouette
Nice hat.

Best of Jay Guevara
"And if I'm elected, I will fund a crash program to find an antidote for Viagra."
(Obama Heckler in the background): "How about a photo of you in a thong?"

Best of Mr. Right
Photo challenge - remedial level: Find at least two things that will f**k you up the a** in this picture.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Terror at 150 Feet

Army of Mom

1. "The rail! Someone's tampered with the..." Hillary eliminates two more Obama Superdelegates.

2. Dawn never would have gotten on the coaster were it not for the promise of a "Shopping Spree" at Old Navy afterwards.

3. "Thank you for riding MC Hammer's career."

4. For President's Day, descendants of Thomas Jefferson got half-price admission to Six Flags.

5. Voters prepare themselves for the post-Republican economy.

Best of Whacko
Meanwhile, the sister in the second seat calmly changes a dirty diaper.

Best of Jack Reacher
It took a sudden, seemingly out-of-control plunge to make Dawn realize the emptiness of Obama's economic promises.

Best of curly
Oh sh!t! Ted Kennedy grabbed the controls!

Best of attmay
Rudy learns the hard way why she shouldn't have had that fifth hot dog on a very special Cosby Show.

Best of Submariner
Whispered voice over; "We've replaced 6 Flags' normal flume ride water with hydrochloric acid. Let's see if anyone notices..."

Best of Submariner
This isn't a ride; it's a metaphor for the typical NFL season for a Lion's fan. They obviously just finished the "preseason" portion...

Best of shoechick
Just before the "Jesus Juice" kicked in, Velvita realized that wasn't Mickey Mouse with the white glove in the Ladies Room.

Best of Army of Mom
Big Momma 3: Why collard greens ain't served at Six Flags

Best of Steve O
...it's going downhill fast, you don't know exactly how it's going to end, but you know it won't be pretty. Remind you of anything?

Best of Mr. Right
Yet another young American has that revelatory "President Hillary" moment...

Friday, February 15, 2008

Zombie Party in my Pants, Part III



1. The New York Times reporter would later claim she was "just holding the sign for a friend. I'm not biased!"

2. How nature says "Rejected by every jock in high school despite being a willing wannabe jersey slut."

3. Does she have any idea how many pink leopards died so she could have those Danskins?

4. "Noam Chomsky... Call me!"

5. Bush raged at his underlings, "How does she know about the Death Pimps!"

Best of Whacko
OK. Yeah. I'm in! Point out a Death Pimp to me and he's toast!

Best of Jay Guevara
I heard Bush's Death Pimps played a great set at Monterey. I can't imagine why she doesn't like them.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
NO ONE stops the BDP!

Best of mklasing
"Okay, someone else hold this sign, its getting dark, men are getting off work and I have to start walking the docks."

Best of curly
My pimp Tyrone owns this corner, so Stop Bush's Death Pimps.

Best of Double the U
Life under Hillary's death pimps will be so much better.

Best of Chrees
Imagine the organizer's surprise when he found out the Valentine's Day parade was supposed to feature Cupid stunts instead...

Best of sonicfrog
♫ STOP, Bush's Death Pimps
Before they break my heart.... ♫

Best of Submariner
Adding punctuation you get Stop - Bush is Death, Pimps: Evidently, she's politely informing her "managers" that her pubic region is going to make them ill to the point of "eternal dirt nap" if they use it...

Best of prince of leaves
All because Daddy wouldn't buy her the damned pony.

Zombie Party in my Pants, Part II


1. Susan Sarandon explains why she supports Code Pink.

2. "So, finally, I just got sick and tired of that loser stoner grandson of mine missing dinner all the time, and decided to get involved in politics."

3. "The acid was better at Woodstock, but this is still a pretty good protest. Wanna shag?"

4. "And that was in 1977, and I'm still waiting for those Mr. Microphone guys to come back and pick me up."

5. John McCain, your prom date is here.

Best of Jack Reacher
Wow, Alan Alda has sorta let himself go.

Best of GregMan
"Yes, I gave birth to John McCain's love child. He's 65 now and he just retired from his job at the Post Office."

Best of AM42
"My grandson, Moonbeam, was last seen getting into a white van with a gray-haired man in a blue sweater..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"And back in the day, I got bingoed by every guy with a guitar. But now I can't give it away. I blame George Bush!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Where will you be when your last brain cell dies?

Best of Robert
Supple, pouting breasts. Firm thighs. Shame you two don't get along.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I attribute my longevity and beauty to hemp products, hating the country that allows me to be an imbecile, and Cheese-Wiz."

Best of mklasing
In one spontaneous moment all of Phyllis Diller's plastic surgery reversed itself.

Best of attmay
"I've been protesting the AmeriKKKan War Machine ever since I protested that warmonger Woodrow Wilson's unwarranted attack on the German people."

Best of prince of leaves
"...and YOU sir are NO Horace Greeley!"

Best of Army of Mom
My, my, my. I haven't had anything long black and hard in my face like that since the Civil Rights movement. Speaking of those lovely Black Panthers; are they here?

Best of Submariner
...and please tell that b@st@rd O'Reilly to sit on it and rotate.

Zombie Party In My Pants, Part I


1. "Do you boys know what would really f**k the Bush-Cheney Crypto-Fascist Death Machine? Allowing yourselves to be double-sodomized by an aging hippie!"

2. "Dude, how can I pull it if you keep shaking it?" (Not the last time the stoners would be asking that question.)

3. "Dude, am I totally stoned, or is there some kind of alien spider-octopus eating that woman's head?"

4. So far, the aging hippie is the only one who's offered to take Moonbeam up on his "Make out not war," sticker. And from the look on his face, Moonbeam is considering it.

5. "So don't believe the propaganda boys! I've smoked hash every day since I was twelve. You could say I'm something of a hash fanatic! "

Very Brady Best of Whacko
"Must. succeed. in flipping. booger. off. finger. Ah, there it goes. Sorry 'bout that, trooper!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"We said we'd walk with you, gramps, but we're not sniffing your finger. Boundaries, man, boundaries."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Dude, that dude's arm is dissolving."
"Dude, I told you not to eat the brown acid that fat stinky kid with the megaphone was handing out."

Best of Jay Guevara
"That's all you're offering me for these two fine young...well, two young specimens to my left?"

Best of divine miss m
"Whaddya mean, "What Berkeley really needs is for a tank with a water cannon to roll down the street and wash away all the poncho lice and that perpetual fetid aroma'?? Some of us actually love the smell of patchouli and body odor!"

Best of curly
Stoner 1 to Stoner 2: "Wow dude! The aging faggot can sure work that invisible yo-yo!"

Best of curly
"These evil Marine recruiters are taking all of the handome young men out of Berkeley, away from my manly anal embrace."

Best of Army of Mom
And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these darn kids and that dog. Oh wait, these darn kids and that woman I mistook for a dog.

Best of Army of Mom
Help! Help! That hippie is wearing my quilt and pillow sham and making them all smelly!!!!

Best of Submariner
Christo positions the last few unthinking objects and finishes his newest piece; "Wasted."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Oh, And Happy Valentine's Day


1. "Code Pink rejected me for being too readily identifiable as female."

2. "Prom is such a bore. Let's just stay home and make amateur internet pr0n movies." SOTG meets his dream girl.

3. "These clothes are so confining. Got any lettuce?"

4. This is what the fat stinky kid from Berkeley fantasizes about, but frankly, he'll never fit his ass into those pink panties.

5. "Yes, I have only three finger on my right hand. My question is, why do you care?"

Breast of Son Of The Godfather
To quote the awesomely under-appreciated Partridge Family... "I think I love you".

Breast of Army of Mom
The outfit looks better on her than it did the hairy French Squiggy.

Breast of Submariner
I wonder if she'd like to trade the feather for a pearl or two?

Breast of Jack Reacher
That outfit's okay, but I prefer something sexy...

Breast of prince of leaves
The only thing that could make this scene sexier is a chilled bottle of Tattinger and a fully-loaded AR-15.

Breast of divine miss m
"I'll be over at 7 with a delightfully cheeky Bordeaux."

Lettuce Pray


1. 'Ow to speak Awstralyun: "Salad Bar."

2. "Senator Clinton, your vegan box lunch has arrived."

3. "Do you think the fat stinky kid with the megaphone will really be back to pick us up later."

4. "Americans wouldn't pick lettuce if you paid them $50 an hour." John McCain is a big frakkin' idiot.

5. The USDA reminds you to eat five servings of fruits and vegetables every day.

Breast of lawhawk
Does that count as one serving or two? Portion control, people. It's all about portion control.

Beast of Jack Reacher
Gallant just stared, and Goofus told him "Come back in an hour. I'll handle this."

Breast of Capt. Queeg
"With your choice of ranch or blue cheese dressing...Oh, I see you brought your own."

Breast of Son Of The Godfather
Apple pies

Breast of Chrees
Finally, a Breast Not Bombs member I can get behind...

Breast of Son Of The Godfather
"herbiwhores"

Breast of Army of Mom
Betty, do you ever get that no so fresh feeling?

Breast of jeff
A Dame and Eve...

Breast of Submariner
Well toss my salad!

Beast of ochagirl
Left redhead: I CAN HAS ORGANIK AHPLE?
Right redhead: NO! DUN B STEALIN MAH AHPLE.

Breast of mklasing
Although not as widely distributed, Anne Geddes sister, Misty Geddes has a very popular photography book of her own.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Aw, Wook at da Quut Widdow Communists



1. "Hey, good lookin', we'll be back to pick you up later..."

2. Barney Frank loaned his interns to the Berkeley protest.

3. My guess: The kid in the middle is used to speaking into microphones, mostly saying 'Supersize it.'

4. "Sorry, Billy, no moustache rides here. You're thinking of Folsom Street Fair."

5. "Naked pictures of my mom. Only $10. Get your naked pictures of my mom."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Mom, I'm speaking truth to the fascist Bushitler regime right now, but I'll be home for dinner. What? Yeah, Tater Tots is fine."

Best of Silhouette
(Burping) "Aauuhh, Beaauuh, Ceeuuh,.."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Tom Cruise, come out of the closet!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"And if our demands are not met, we will breed. As soon as we can, that is."

Best of Cybrludite
Just tell grandma we missed dinner with her because we were protesting the fascist Bush regime. She'll understand.

Best of Rodney Dill
New recruits for Breasts Not Bombs

Best of Capt. Queeg
"...futhermore, we demand the immediate reinstatement of Sloppy Joe Thursdays!"

Best of Army of Mom
Poor sad Bengals fans are used to disappointments.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Comrades, comrades who need comrades, are the luckiest agitators in the world..."

Best of jeff
Corey Haim and Corey Feldman never seem to age - and they keep doing stupid things together.

Get a Room

6 Degrees of Blondness


1. "What are the odds? My party's base despises me, too!"

2. "Three words of advice, Hill. Three little words. James. Earl. Ray."

3. "Bob Dole just sent me a case of Viagra, so why don't you introduce me to this 'pimped out' daughter of yours."

4. "Sorry, Hill, it would never work. I'm also an 'Active Top.' Try asking Edwards."

5. "Yeah, it really sucks to have the only obstacle to your nomination being a slick-talking liberal hillbilly that constantly reminds your base what a weak candidate you are. But enough about Bill, let me tell you about my problems with Huckabee."

6. "What are the odds? George Soros pays the salaries of my campaign operatives, too!"

7. "You were incredible. Did I say incredible? I meant unbelievable. But enough about your CPAC speech."

8. "Hmmm, so you're saying if we had a 'Human Rights Commission' like Canada, we could get Rush Limbaugh to STFU? I like your thinking, Maverick."

9. "Mrs. Clinton, are you trying to seduce me?"

10. "Sorry, Hill. You're just a little too conservative to be my running mate."

Very Brady Best of duke of red
♪ "Boy the way Glen Miller played, songs that made the hit parade, guys like us we had it made,
those were the days..." ♪

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"X-tasy is freakin' awesome."

Best of Mr. Right
"...And after I'm elected, I appoint you to the Supreme Court. That ought to REALLY drive Limbaugh crazy!"

Best of Robert
Little Timmy, left, works to control his nausea.

Best of jeff
John: "Hey, Hill, thanks for those little blue pills you got from Bill - they were fantastic!"
Hillary: "No problem - it wasn't like he was going to use them with me anyway."

Best of dj
"My newest intern's an 8 year old meth addict!"...""Mine is an elderly Geritol saleswoman that I met while campaigning in Des Moines."

Best of Jack Reacher
"So we're agreed; regardless of who wins, the Fairness Doctrine and punitive IRS audits begin January 21."

Best of lawhawk
Here's the deal. I wont call you Hitler and you won't call me. Deal?

Best of prince of leaves
Why are these two smiling? He just asked her to be his running mate, she just realized how useful the dry run with Vince Foster has become.

Best of ochagirl
A moment of bliss before their extra-strength laxatives kicked in. Never accept cookies from your political opponents.

I Picked It Just For You



Out, damned inkspot! out, I say!--One: two: why,
then, 'tis time to do't.--Hell is murky!--Fie, my
lord, fie! a slumlord, and afeard? What need we
fear who knows it, when none can call our power to
account?--Yet who would have thought the young negro
to have had so much charisma in him.

David Shuster had a job: where is he now?--
What, will these hands ne'er be clean?--No more o'
that, Norman Hsu, no more o' that: you mar all with
this bundling.

Here's the smell of the blood still: all the
kickbacks of Arabia will not sweeten this little
hand. Oh, oh, oh!

Wash your hands, put on your nightgown; look not so
pale.--I tell you yet again, Foster's buried; he
cannot come out on's grave.

To bed, to bed! Huma's knocking at the gate:
come, come, come, come, give me your hand. What's
done cannot be undone.--To bed, to bed, to bed!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Judy came from Ohio, she's a Scientologist


1. Shortest verse in Dianetics: "Xenu wept."

2. Nicole Kidman still seems a little bitter.

3. Bad names and advertising schemes for your Live Bait, Light Switch, and Identity Theft business.

4. "Mr. Kucinich, your three o'clock is here."

5. Unlike the Marines, Scientologists are warmly welcomed in Berkeley and Toledo.

Best of The Man
Xenu has green eyes. Get it right people.

Best of The Man
What democratic "super delegate" looks like.

Best of The Man
"what...Hillary's on the phone...wants me to be her new campaign manager? Here, hold my sign"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Klaatu Barada Weirdo

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It's good to see Carol Channing with a hobby.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
75 million years old, leader of the Galactic Confederacy, and Xenu can't come up with a more aesthetically pleasing protest sign? I mean come on, black and white print was SO 35 million years ago...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Mankind will eventually evolve to a point where peace reigns, poverty has been eliminated, and we all go around wearing ginormous name-sashes.

Best of Jack Reacher
Looks like it's Open Mike Tuesday at the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. Grab some popcorn and pull up a chair.

Best of Steve O
Aliens who couldn't find work at the Pentagon, or doing porn, had to take entry level jobs in marketing.

Best of sonicfrog
My Grandma, what big eyes you have....

Best of prince of leaves
"Take me to your SeaOrg!"

Best of Jay Guevara
The mayor of Berkeley showed up at the Marine recruiting station to give the Marines some suggestions for alternative careers.

Best of GregMan
"Mr. Sullivan? We're here to administer your weekly anal probe."

Remember the First Time You Saw a Boobie?



1. "So, guys, tell me more about this 'World of Warcraft' you enjoy so much."

2. "That's right, nerds. Vote for Ron Paul and you'll be seeing boobies on network TV in Prime Time."

3. "So, the guy behind me taking the picture of you guys taking a picture of my boobies: homo, retard, or evangelical?"

4. "The way I figgers it, the left one must be named 'Golden' and the right one 'Casino.'"

5. Gina had never heard of 'Facebook,' let alone the Internets, and had to settle for showing off her breasts five guys at a time.


Very Brady Best of GregMan
Still smarting from that PMSNBC remark, Chelsea nevertheless continued to campaign on her mother's behalf.

Best of GregMan
How Nature says, "I'm drunk off my a$$".

Best of Jack Reacher
IM IN UR QWARTER, STEELING UR BEEDS.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Army of Mom, NOOOO! You're a MOM for crisakes!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
So that's what happened to Corey Haim.

Best of mklasing
The cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy gets a rare opportunity to view the female body.

Best of Capt. Queeg
Something tells me the guy on the left's had some practice using electronics with one hand...

Best of sonicfrog
Despite the occasional gawker, Kuato, for obvious reasons, is quite happy with his new home.

Best of Army of Mom
Mom?

Best of prince of leaves
Drunk, pervert, loser, and dweeb -- this Bourbon Street boobswarm covers all the bases.

Best of Cybrludite
Mardi Gras '06: Thanks! FEMA will bring you your beads in 6 to 8 weeks.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Meanwhile, down in the Galleys


1. Rejected Novel Ideas: Harry Potter and the Forced Chinese Labor Camp.

2. Sully was disappointed in the results for his Google Image Search "Young Boys Handling Big Poles."

3. "Remedial Tree-Hugging" was an integral part of the training at President Hillary's "Junior Re-Education Camps."

4. "I swear to Mao, Wang, if you ask me one more time if I've 'got wood' I'm going to pound you to a counter-revolutionary pulp."

5. The Caber Toss field for the 2008 Olympics is expected to be completed on time with the help of "volunteer" labor.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Slave labor of the Hillary campaigm, your drink of the day?... Rain. Get it while you can... break's over in 5 minutes."

Best of Rodney Dill
'pies lesu domine....donna eis requiem' THWACK!

Best of prince of leaves
The writers strike is over. Upside: new episodes of "Heroes". Downside: a goofy plotline involving a dystopian future filled with billions of clones of Hiro Nakamura.

Best of prince of leaves
In Beijing, Code Drab Grey protestors engage in a (very brief) civil disobedience event outside a PRA recruiting center.

Best of The Man
President McCain unveils his new Asian immigration policy called "Payback is a bitch".

Best of Silhouette
Why won't our laxative kick in??? Arrrgh.

Best of attmay
Dammit, Chan, if you sing "It's the Hard Knock Life" one more time I'll give you some hard knocks that'll end your life.

Best of Cybrludite
What are the odds? I have the same batch of Chinese political prisoners clearing trees on my land.

Best of GregMan
Another batch of Shrillary's campaign donors gets back to work after contributing $35,000 apiece.

Best of mklasing
All's well at the Wall-Mart paper mill.

Best of gregory
How to speak Chinese: Recess.

Ow' to Speak Clintonian: Foreplay


1. Hillary was so thrilled with her MySize Jodie Foster doll she wet her pants.

2. "When I show you the Ace of Spades, you will kill the clean, articulate black man."

3. I keep waiting for Sigourney Weaver to pop out wearing a forklift and yelling "Get away from her you bitch!"

4. "Quid pro quo, Clarisse. Quid pro quo."

5. "I won't hurt you, I just want to know how your brother got out of the gingerbread house."

6. "You complete me, Mini-She."

7. President Clinton inspects one of the "organ banks" whose genetically engineered organs will keep her alive for hundreds of years.

8. "You will stand next to Obama. The choir will sing. When you hear the line "...amber waves of grain," shout Allah Akbar and set off the bomb vest. Allah be with you."

9. "Airport Hilton, Room 915, 8 o'clock."

10. "Jodie, are you sure you used any of my DNA in our clone-baby?"

Very Brady Best of duke of red
"Everything floats down here, Georgiana. When you're down here with us, you'll float too."

Best of Rodney Dill
Just remember to stomp on my foot real hard when I need the tears.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I will love it and keep it and call it Rosie."

Best of Chrees
"I just love everyone here in Stepford!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Shouldn't there be an angel whispering into the other ear?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I know it was you, Freda."

Best of prince of leaves
It takes a village to raise a child. In this case, the Village of Stepford.

Best of attmay
"That's a lovely fragrance you're wearing. What is it called?"
"Apple juice."

Best of jeff
(Girl thinking) "I just peed my pants... can I get it on her shoes?"

Best of Submariner
whispered: "I like you best, I'll save you for a leisurely Sunday brunch..."