Thursday, January 31, 2008

Spot Three Things in This Picture That Aren't Safe For Work. Ready. Go!


1. Sully: "What are the odds?..."

2. "Ooops, sorry about the cat. My bad."

3. Robin Hood: Prince of Queeves

4. Hillary Clinton escapes the stress of a brutal campaign by relaxing with her 'special uncensored stash' of Xena: Warrior Princess DVD's.

5. Hillary unveils her National Defense agenda. No more guns. No more men. Just Amazon warriors with bows and arrows.

Best of Submariner
The Army traded in their high tech and an "Army of 1" recruiting ads for ones that highlight low tech weapons being employed by well oiled babes. Recruiters now have a waiting list through 2011.

Best of Jack Reacher
That reminds me; Pick up buns at Target.

Best of Jack Reacher
Gallant said "She doesn't know she's supposed to wear pants with those chaps. I'd better tell her." But as Gallant rose to deliver the message, Goofus clubbed him to death and buried his body in a shallow grave.

Best of Silhouette
Dammit, you can't shoot a mother haybale. Can't you see it has babies?

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Nothing like a relaxing day at the butts.
(For you ignorant savages out there, "the butts" is a proper term for an archery range.)

Best of Rodney Dill
Imus was just one Ivanho comment away from more trouble

Best of prince of leaves
The DVD had a great, Nugentian outdoors theme going, right up until she smeared herself in deer blood and wallowed in the gut-pile like one of those "splotch" girls...

Comfort and Joy

AoS HQ


1. "She's an intern in my B&D Office, let her in you f**king idiots!" Hillary snapped at her Secret Service detail.

2. "Doesn't bother me at all Senator Clinton. Most of the congressional Democrats I've 'dated' don't cast reflections either."

3. "Tip the maid?" Hillary chuckled. "More like bent her over the table!"

4. A stimulus in search of a package.

5. "The maid? Heaven's no. I'm Senator Clinton's Harley mechanic."

Best of Submariner
Mom!?!

Best of duke of red
Such a shame, that beautiful girl, and she's constantly bent over from the pain of osteoporosis. Drink your milk, kiddies!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Not fair!" fumed Sully. "That's what I was going to wear to the DNC convention!"

Best of lawhawk
Damn it. That'll teach me to leave my digital camera laying around...

Best of GregMan
Free from the stress of campainging for President, John Edwards was able to let his hair down at last.



Wednesday, January 30, 2008

People Who May Have Paid Too Much for Sunless Tanning




1. Police in North Carolina today broke up an illegal Oompah-Loompah Marriage-Citizenship ring.

2. "Marmalade facials and pink tuxes on prom night? Are you sure you guys wouldn't rather be with each other?"

3. "So, you thought it would be 'fun' to try and drink Hi-C Orangeade from a firehose? You guys are the worst prom dates ever."

4."On second thought, maybe I'll save my virginity for someone who isn't a total flaming douche."

5. "You know the funny thing about the amount of ecstasy it would take for you guys to get lucky with us? It doesn't exist."

Best of GregMan
What are the odds? I have this complexion.

Best of The Man
Orangey and Ivory, live together in perfect harmony.

Best of Jack Reacher
Once you go orange, you'll never....aw, hell, another falls victim to the lack of a word rhyming with orange.

Best of sonicfrog
The new film "The Brides of George Hamiltons" was so bad, it was neither screened nor sun-screened prior to it's release.

Best of prince of leaves
A moment later the boys were coaxed into smiling, permanently blinding the CCD sensor in the camera with the supernova glare from their aggressively-bleached teeth.

Best of Cybrludite
The live action "Star Blazers" movie didn't quite get the Gammalons' skin tones right.

Best of kg
Girls gone Oompa Loompa Wild.

Best of Submariner
Thundercats - the ORIGINAL "wedding crashers."


Maybe it's not twoo



1. Barack's magic trick involved pulling a Chevy Malibu from Oprah's ass. Unfortunately, no one was impressed.

2. "Oh, M'sieur, just one mint? It is wafer thin."

3. "I am the Magic negro of Oprah's ass. Here to grant you five wishes."

4. "Yup. Five times last night. I had her barking like a dog."

5. Gallant offers a high-five to someone off-screen while Goofus tells the audience that rumors about Hillary's clenis have been greatly exaggerated.

Best of Submariner
From the size of that butt-monkey, it would seem that Oprah REALLY ticked off Jim Carey...Laura Ingraham.

Best of Foz
Well... it aint true of all black men honey [wink wink].

Best of Double the U
To the delight of his supporters, Obama gives an abortion on demand at one of his rallies.

Best of champaignken
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in and what will it kick out?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Behold! The Pimp Hand that can control Oprah!"

Best of Submariner
Oprah wows the campaign crowd by giving away a Magic Negro to every member of the audience.

Best of BUUUUURRRRNING HOT
"Talk to the finger 'cos you ain't worth OPRAH's whole hand."

Best of Rodney Dill
Objects in rear are largermore socialist than they appear.

Best of mklasing
When asked if she supported Obama because he was black, Oprah reminded the audience member that he is "just a little bit black."

Best of lawhawk
Hey, let me show you my O face.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

"A Caption Contest Waiting to Happen"



1. "I'm crazee suppository-head. Give me some of that crazee candee!"

2. "On second thought, maybe the iPod will work better with a simple set of headphones."

3. Bureaucracy in action: "These helmets will reduce head injuries in collisions by 38%. Have the Department of Transportation mandate them immediately!"

4. "Mr. Giuliani is safely in his isolation helmet. Let's check the latest Florida polls."

5. "Dammit! I told you joint chiefs not to interrupt me in the middle of autoerotic asphyxiation."

Best of Rodney Dill
Just couldn't stay away, could you Dukakis?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hi, I'm looking for Helen Thomas?..."

Best of Submariner
We've replaced Mr. Soros' normal delusions and conspiracies with a steaming bucket of excrement. Let's see if he notices...

Best of andthenblammo!
"They don't mind the mask so much, Boss, it's having to call you Mr. Penis Giganticus that's got everybody down. Plus, you walked into the women's washroom this morning."

Best of Jack Reacher
AP File Photo, 1997: Hans Blix prepares to embark on another Iraq weapons inspection tour.

Best of GregMan
The Joint Chiefs show the new Combat Hair Armor to President Edwards.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Luke, I am your father..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
James never let having only the one eye hold him back.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Vader, version 1.0

Best of Chrees
The joint chiefs were less than thrilled with the latest superhero to offer assistance--PezMan.

Best of Submariner
Rumor has it that you hang around with a couple of real nuts...

Best of prince of leaves
Nobody in the office realized just how big a dick Mr. Wentworth really was until the day he loosened his tie...

Best of sonicfrog
Yes, everyone, even the mighty United States Army, stands at attention when Dr. Richard Crainium walks through the room!!!

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
ORA: In the sequel to Forbidden Planet, Robby the Robot was reimagined as a Senator from Idaho, scandalized after being caught gapping sparkplugs with Gort in the back bay of a Jiffy Lube.

Best of BUUUUURRRRNING HOT
Rove's anti-Troof mindbeams are thwarted at last!!!

Best of Rodney Dill
Klaatu Barada Prickto

Best of estimator
Hillary's new Secretary of Defence, Paul Begala, gives a breifing to the new Joint Cheifs of Staff....

Best of Tim
Muslim chastity goggles

Best of Rodney Dill
"So do you lean left or right... uh I mean politically speaking of course."

Best of attmay
Eraserhead: The Early Years

Best of Submariner
Yes, general; I think we'll FINALLY be able to contain Dawn's head with this model... Armbruster is about to test it by making a "fried chicken and watermelon" joke.



Two-Fisted Drinking

John Schneider


1. Mom?

2. "Okay, just one more double slam and I'll be drunk enough to vote for Huckabee."

3. January 2006 --- "Don't worry. I'll approve those sub-prime mortgage applications as soon as I get back from 'lunch.'"

4. January 2007 --- "Don't worry, Mr. Foer. I'll fact-check that Beauchamp story as soon as I get back from 'lunch.'"

5. January 2008 --- "Don't worry, Speaker Pelosi, I'll work on that election year voter bribe 'stimulus package' as soon as I get back from 'lunch.'"

Monday, January 28, 2008

What Happens When You Swallow Gum

Dwight


1. By Obama's second term, "Fart-Catchers" were mandated as an anti-global warming measure.

2. The Oscars salute the San Fernando Valley's pr0n industry. At the end, the dancers form into a giant pearl necklace.

3. There's at least three people in this picture who are used to having balls pressed against their buttcracks.

4. The Richard Simmons "Big White Balls Workout" was inspired by a chance encounter with Larry Craig.

5. "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." The subsequent carnage was unbelievable.

Best of Jack Reacher
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "Number Six, now's your chance! Get out while we're holding them back!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Would people wear pearls if they knew about the Lilipution sweat shops that polish them?

Best of prince of leaves
Bill Clinton would later show up at the studio in another distasteful effort to court the wasp vote.

Best of prince of leaves
"À l'enfer avec vous, José Bové!!" Fed up with the suppression of genetically engineered species, humoysters rally to demand recognition as full French citizens.

Best of Submariner
This is pretty much the only move on the French special forces workout video...

Best of sonicfrog
♫ Well I'm upper upper class high society
God's gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
The social pages say I've got
The biggest balls of all


Out of the Eyes of Babes...

Thanks, Sheila


1. With Hillary, the term "soul food" has more than one meaning.

2. "Inter-generational, bi-racial lesbianism... you know what I'm talkin' about!"

3. "Welcome to the Hillary 08 campaign, honey-child. My husband Bill will now take away your dreams and aspirations. You can have them back at the end of my second term."

4. "You ever see that episode of Star Trek where Uhura and Shatner make out? You know what I'm talkin' about."

5. "Look, Sheniquah, your mom could have taken the easy way out. We have a whole fund set aside to provide 'planned parenthood' for Bill's ho's. But, she didn't, and now I gotta go Vince Foster on both of you."

6. Sheniquah liked sitting on Janet Reno's knee better, mainly because of the Parkinson's.

7. "Dear Barry. We have your daughter. If you ever want to see her in one piece again, you'll drop out now. - Hill."

8. "And I am pleased to accept NAWGLA's endorsement... and your 'in-kind donation.'"

9. "This one's just adorable. I think I'll eat her last."

10. "Did you notice a sign outside my house says 'N-gg-r Daycare?' 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause n-gg-r daycare ain't my f--king business, that's why!"


Sunday, January 27, 2008

Straight outta Wellesley! Crazy byotch named Hillary



Best of Chrees
"If God is dead, everything is permitted. Bi--yotch."

1. After capping Suzanne Pleshette, Bobby Fischer and Heath Ledger all in a single week, Hilldog welcomes her initiation into the crips.

2. Following her tryst with Queen Latifah, Hillary defied the old saying when she did in fact "go back."

3. "Vince Foster and Tupac? Damn, b1tch, you are one righteous gangster!"

4. HRC wins the endorsement from the Black Recording Industry, who just couldn't support a candidate who was clean and articulate without losing their street cred.

5. "Gee, thanks, Sir Mix-A-Lot. To what do I owe this honor?"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Oh, no thank you! I may want your vote, but I certainly don't want to touch anything one of 'you people' have touched!"

Best of Submariner
Is it just me or does that Compton insignia bear a striking resemblance to a 300 yard, rifle site-in target?

Best of curly
From ‘I had a dream’ to ‘I had a nightmare’ in one generation.

Best of Van Helsing
Harpy in the hood.

Best of Jack Reacher
"..and before you go, Mrs. Clinton, we have a parting gift for you. It's a little black girl. Enjoy."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The shirt was enough, but the 40-ouncer and a pack of menthol smokes was overkill.

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
The cottony soft bigotry of low-quality textile imports.


Saturday, January 26, 2008

Parent Teacher Conference




1. "Look, Mr and Mrs Warner, Billy is the president of the Glee Club and the Drama Club and is aceing Home Ec. Do I have to draw you a picture?"

2. "Your son Gallant is a joy to have in my computer class. Your son Goofus, on the other hand, spends all of his time writing captions to a filthy weblog."

3. "... and so the Crisis Counselors have advised that we not allow Billy to participate in show-and-tell any more."

4. "This is sort of an awkward question Mr and Mrs Warner but, um, why doesn't Billy call me any more?"

5. "Furthermore, Mrs. Warner, if he doesn't stop making fun of the Special Ed kids and playing pocket pool with himself, Mr. Warner is not going to be allowed at any more parent teacher conferences."



Best of Submariner
Man's thought bubble: "Billy's teach is SO much hotter than his mom! Must.Keep.Coat.On.Lap."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Billy wore an NRA T-shirt with a picture of a gun on it to school this week. As this was in violation of our zero-tolerance weapons policy, Billy was euthanized. Here are his remains."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Mr and I assume Mrs Warner, how nice to finally meet you. Now I can see where Billy gets his glazed eyes and toadlike appearance.

Best of prince of leaves
After rescue from the island, Hurley and Locke adopted Aaron and settled down to an uneventful life of PTA meetings and championship roses in sububurban San Francisco.

Best of prince of leaves
"...but after finally seeing you, Mrs. Warner, I can understand now why Timmy has uncontrollable and disruptive outbursts of ribbeting whenever there's a fly in the classroom."

Best of Chrees
Today's ABC Afterschool Special: Why Johnny Can't Get a Date

Best of Doc Ock
"Your little Timmy is all boy! The way he threw pinecones and waved his arms at that tiger today at the zoo was so brave. You might want to swing by the zoo and pick up what you can find of Timmy from outside the tiger exhibit." Field trip parental approval form...priceless.

Friday, January 25, 2008

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

Timmah!


1. "Trust me, you don't want to go in there. Whew!"

2. Because of the long line at the port-a-potties, Karl Rove misses Norma Jean's entire Warped Tour set.

3. Hillary: "What a coincidence. I have this outfit! Yes, the belted strap-ons, too."

4. Darth Vader scrapes his boots after a hilariously tragic miscalculation causes the Empire pre-position all of its teleportation modules on the periphery of a "Stop the War/Impeach Bush" rally.

5. George Michael has failed Lord Vader for the last time.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"The smell is strong with this one."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If you had your butt cheeks fused together by lava, you'd be cranky too.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I've got to find better places to meet sources," muttered Novak.

Best of Rodney Dill
"...not a lifepod... how embarrassing."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"So, the Rebel scum are caught in the garbage compactor, eh? Let 'em wrestle with with what I just flushed for awhile!"

Best of Submariner
♪ Springtime, for Vader, and the Empire...♪

Best of Submariner
So much for that nuisance, Jar Jar Binks.

Best of racerboy
"You came in that? You're braver than I thought."

Best of Gagdad Bob
Indoor plumbing was a distant fantasy on the Wyoming farm where a young Dick Cheney grew up.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I got the Kessel runs 12 parsecs ago."

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
Meh. You know, the smell is really not so bad if you just wave your light sabre around for a few seconds.

Best of attmay
"I haven't smelled a stench so rank since that Holiday Special I did 30 years ago."

Best of Jonathan
"Sorry, Senator Craig, but you're not fooling anybody!"


There Will Be Captions



1. R. Lee Ermey dares you make a pederasty caption, numbnuts!

2. "Your father has some serious business before the House Banking Committee, which is why you'll be spending the weekend with Congressman Frank. Here's $5. You'll want some Vaseline."

3. Oliver Stone's hatchet job on 'Bush' includes apocryphal accounts of a young Dan Quayle's pederastic relationship with Roy Cohn (played by Daniel Day Lewis.)

4. "That's right, it's a .45 in your back gramps. Think you can outrun a bullet? That's right, now empty your wallet and give me the keys to the liquor cabinet and pr0n stash."

5. Too late, Billy learns the awful truth about the 'Super Adventure Club' (SAC).

Best of Jack Reacher
In this rare, undated photo, a Democrat Party campaign contributor is seen with Hillary Clinton nowhere in sight.

Best of Submariner
On a very special "Magnum PI," Thomas trades in his Tigers cap for a "Smokey the Bear" and trades Rick for Higgins' grandson.

Best of Submariner
I dunno, Ford; will I EVER get used to engaging the Infinite Improbability Drive?

Best of Chrees
"Billy, drink my milkshake again and I'll plug ya."

Best of lawhawk
Hillary Clinton loves this movie for its realistic portrayal of how to get people to vote for her.

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
No matter the era, no matter the age, all men share the identical expression when watching strippers.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Yes. I killed the bear and took his hat. Such is the law of the jungle."

Best of attmay
Thought bubble over the kid's head: "Oh god, Higgins is dancing in his underwear again to Blame it on the Bossa Nova."


Thursday, January 24, 2008

Yeah, it's a giant fishstick


1. Giant Fish Finger... killer name for a ska band.

2. Not knowing whether they will be interns in the Obama or Hillary Administration, the blonds practice fellating a huge rod that smells like fish.

3. In handing out their endorsement, the Coalition of Blond Libertarians mistakes "Mrs. Paul" for Ron Paul.

4. The primary religion of the Lilliputians involves the fetishistic adoration of David Caruso's hair follicles.

5. The Aquaman 2008 campaign denounced his opponent's "Yoo-hoo, Aquaman, call us!" ad as racially motivated.

Best of The Man
If Ron Paul told you to toss giant fried fish sticks into the Thames River at noon on Tuesday, while wearing fake tattoos and fisherman hats, would you?

Best of The Man
The scientologists keep getting weirder and weirder

Best of Son Of The Godfather
V, it's Hot chick Thursday, NOT hot stick Thursday... that's Sully's.

Best of Chrees
Nemo, the other other white meat.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In the world of fishsticks, Meg Gorton and Kate Van De Kamp were Gods.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Just another phallic Thursday

Best of Submariner
As soon as they pulled it from the box, Rosie came around sniffin' and snufflin' and lookin' for a good time...

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
It took some anaerobic adhesive and a good hard push, but Drew Peterson fufilled his lifelong dream of killing two byrds with one stone.

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
Moments after throwing the giant tea cake into the Thames, the Skank Sisters were arrested.
The charge?
Making an obscene scone fall.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Sometimes a fish stick is only a fish stick.

Best of Rodney Dill
They could be Smelty Pirate Hookers SOTG.


Thursdays with Sarko



1. Gesundheit!

2. OJA: "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige. Or, whatever the grayscale equivalent of beige is."

3. "Help! I've fallen out of the CapThis! Banner and I can't get up!"

4. Sully and the Divine Miss M are in complete agreement: The boots are fabulous!

5. Sarko's power-fart not only knocked over her chair, it blew her clothes clean off!

Best of Jack Reacher
She kept telling Gallant that the sound was caused by her boots rubbing against the cushions. Goofus, however, just said "Like I care!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"That's great, Carla... Now pose like that girl in the Target ad..."

Best of curly
“I’m feeling nice and Sarkozy.”

Best of divine miss m
Johnny Weir must have borrowed her clothes, but how could he leave those faulous boots behind?!

Best of Submariner
Cap This! standard #17: Ennui, when will you release me?

Best of GOP & College
Sully: OMG! I HAVE TO GET MY HANDS ON THOSE LEATHER CUSHIONS!!!

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
Babette made a comfortable living working for GM's truck division, testing the headroom created by tilt steering wheels.

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
Openface Skank on a Shingle? Man! Those turds at Gitmo get ALL the good treats.

Best of Army of Mom
Oddly enough, I have this outfit. Only mine is larger, has some stretch marks and has c-section scars ...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Nice Goin', Superfag!




1. "Ruprecht, come up from the cellar and meet the nice people. No biting!"

2. Kiefer Sutherland meets his cell-mate.

3. Another San Francisco resident who just can't get enough of the smell of his own farts.

4. Hannibal Lechter goes Metrosexual.

5. "Just you wait, you fascist pigs. When Barney Frank comes to bail me out, you'll be lucky if they bust you to meter maid."

Best of Chrees
Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

Best of Silhouette
And suddenly, Bubba was the preferable cellmate.

Best of Jack Reacher
Robert was surprised when his new cellmate told him "I don't care if those are Bugle Boy jeans. Take 'em off, bi***!"

Best of Van Helsing
At last serious fashion crimes are being punished with jail time.

Best of sonicfrog
What Heath Ledger WASN'T wearing yesterday...

Best of Submariner
The Devil wears Prada. His minions on the other hand...

Best of Army of Mom
Yeah Josh, we all know you got laid last night. Would you please take the girl's panties off your face and put your damn suspenders on the right way.

Best of Army of Mom
IM ON UR CATWOK SNIFFN UR PANTIES

Best of Army of Mom
Ok, for a change, I don't have this outfit.

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
Trevor's eccentric "Bird Flu Chic" style endeared him to the rest of the kids at Jim Guy Tucker High School.


She Looks So Fetching When She's Down on All Fours



1. When Ravenwood asked Lara if she was into S&M, she said "Sure, I love Spaniards and Mexicans."

2. Hey, you two! Stop giving the Saudis ideas!

3. "You're right! Both of us had bad relationships with our fathers! Wow, you must be totally psychic or something."

4. "It's understanding that makes it possible for people like us to tolerate a person like yourself." - Ferris Bueller.

5. "We're registered at Hot Topic and PetsMart."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Marilyn Manson wins Best in Show.

Best of Jack Reacher
The Canadian Human Rights Commission arrives for another day at work.

Best of Jack Reacher
Judges for the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals arrive for another day at work.

Best of the doyle
She has a nice rack. She also has a nice Iron Maiden and thumbscrews.

Best of curly
"Roll Over" and "Play Dead" go out for a stroll.

Best of divine miss m
Barbara Woodhouse would roll over in her grave if she saw what her great-children did with her dog-training gear.

Best of GregMan
The New Republic's fact-checkers arrive for another day at work.

Best of Submariner
Well I think the new marching band uniforms for Folsom Street High are just fabulous!

Best of Robert
A young Severus Snape, seen here, walking with Dolores Umbrage who later decided she was happier in pink and holding the other end of the leash.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Ya shoulda been nicer to that trucker. Now we gotta walk all the way back to Area 51."

Best of mklasing
A San Francisco couple going to pick up their foster kids.

Best of Double the U
You really don't want to know what your parents were like as teenagers.

Best of gregory
The Goth Whisperer

Best of Army of Mom
What are the odds? I have this outfit.only Army of Dad has less hair I wear less clothes with the leash

Best of Targetpractice
I don't know which is scarier: The thought that these two might breed or the thought that the kid might be even more screwed up than they are.

Best of Chrees
ORA: "Lowered Expectations"


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Make-Up Works Wonders

The Man


1. His campaign aides had warned him not to look Hillary in the face. He laughed at them. He laughs no more.

2. NBC always chooses lighting doubles that are the polar opposites of the people they stand in for, which is why Phil Spector is standing in for John Edwards.

3. "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I was standing in for Alabama."

4. "Goodbye. Me am Bizarro World Barack Obama. Me like tax cuts and strong national defense. Me hate socialism. Don't vote for me. Hello."

5. ORA: Nada kicked the crap out of me and made me put on the sunglasses. Finally, I saw the horrible truth of things.
Best of Submariner
whispered voice over; "We've replaced their regular candidate with new Diet Dem D-lite. Let's see if anyone notices..."

Best of duke of red
"Hey DJ, spin that sh!t!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hillary's plan to replace Obama with an exact duplicate had... flaws.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
They say the camera adds 10 pounds... Here's Obama with approximately 15 cameras on him.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz prepares to read his "Ode to Obama - Chapter One of Eighty Three".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It was relatively easy to trace Obama's complaint that his headpiece smelled of salami and Budweiser.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I think there may have been a mixup... I'm here representing OBAMO Fireworks... Not sure why they put me up here next to a sissy-man and a screeching hippo..."

Best of curly
Dave: “Barrack said he went on a ride to Marcy Park with Hillary and he’d be right back, but that was several hours ago.”

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Why? Because Burt Reynolds already took Turd Ferguson, Alex."

BullsEye



1. "I need a man. Too obvious?"

2. Target: Bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase "Big Box Retailer."

3. Saddam's former human shields have difficulty adjusting to civilian life.

4. "Don't be a p-ssy. Throw the knives!"

5. You're traveling through space, to a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of cleavage. There's a signpost up ahead, your next stop: The Thursday Zone.

Best of Foz
I reckon she's looking for a circular error probability of about 9 inches.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Take the ratio of this circle's area to the square of its radius, and there, my friends, is one sweet piece of Pi.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Jennifer, I told you those doors DON'T open automatically!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Ma'am, your credit card has been declined... How would you like to pay for this?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Is this a big enough target for the New York Giant's Lawrence Tynes to actually hit?

Best of curly
“Yes Alex. I’ll take “Bull’s-Eyes That The Silky Pony Will Miss Every Time” for $200.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hiro Nakamura finds the real advantage in his ablity to freeze time.

Best of curly
Happy hour begins when the Van Wagner clock strikes 4:40.

Best of Rodney Dill
If women came with instruction manuals


Monday, January 21, 2008

Thought Balloon: "Kill Me Now"



1. "Why did I marry her? Why didn't I just put a loaded gun in my mouth? Why God, Why?"

2. "Holy crap, look at that ass. Somewhere, a semi-truck is missing its 'Oversized Load' sign.

3. "Somewhere, there's two fat girls naked in a hot tub and I'm stuck here listening to her jabber on about health care. Cheese, Rush is right, she does sound like Nurse Ratched."

4. "Now I know what Michael Jordan feels like when he watches the Special Olympics."


5. "I was gonna catch Bin Laden until I got high
I was gonna reform social security, but then I got high..."


Best of Jack Reacher
"The presidency, huge book deal, multi-million dollar contracts consulting for Persian Gulf companies, and still I go home to that. I should have taken that job with the KGB."

Best of Targetpractice
"And the worst part is, unlike most of my worst decisions in life, I can't gnaw off my arm and run the morning after."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Although Hillary droned on without even a flinch, Bill couldn't hide his horror at her thunderously audible flatulence

Best of GOP & College
Blue dress...Blue dress...Blue Dress.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I came from that highly-interesting MLK remembrance for this?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Yes you... plant in the second row..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "Oh, Rochester..."

Best of andthenblammo
Hail to the Queef

Best of lawhawk
Is that wiseass making faces at me again. I'll smack him so hard that he'll be covering his other cheek for a week. /hillary

Best of dj
“Blah, blah, blah, One ring to rule them all, blah, blah, blah.”

Best of Rodney Dill
"....hope that thing beeps when it backs up..."

Best of Submariner
A heart attack will get me out of this - please Lord - is that too much to ask?

Shake Hands With the Mighty Gonga

SondraK


1. Gallant graciously thanks the audience for coming. Goofus invites them to pull her finger.

2. Gallant observes MLK day with a rousing sermon. Goofus "doan feel no way tahred" and feeds her staff Aunt Jemima pancakes.

3. Gallant extends a hand to every attendees. Goofus asks "Does this smell like fish to you?"

4. Gallant extends a laurel and hearty handshake to the Democrat Party's new...

5. John Edwards seethes that he is 'The Real Goofus' in the 2008 campaign.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm gonna need that wallet. The watch too. C'mon, c'mon..."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Him: Hi, I'm Barak Obama and I hope you vote for me.
Her: Don't forget on election day that I know where you live.

Best of Submariner
How much for your date, sir?

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary: "Did you bring the noose?"

Best of dj
Nappy headed/Ho


Sunday, January 20, 2008

Yeah, Like We All Needed to See This

The Man



"Who needs a bunch of gawdamm writers for a Superbowl half-time show, you said. We'll come up with an extravaganza no one will ever forget, you said..."

Really Really the Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Zippy the Nude Ref Mime" didn't see the place-kicker approaching on his blind side until it was too late...

Best of Rodney Dill
That was a clean hit. Why did the ref throw the fag?

Best of Jack Reacher
I CAN HAZ PASTY BOY?

Best of curly
The halftime show ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ become more risqué every year.

Best of Gagdad Bob
After further review, the play stands.... no, wait a minute, it just sort of shrivels.

Best of Submariner
Well, John, nearest I can figure is that the Giants are getting penalized 5 yards for defending like Egyptians.

Best of Kaptain
"I don't care if we lose the game, I am NOT going to retrieve THAT ball."

Best of sonicfrog
Personal Foul!!! Four inches to the goal... repeat down...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
This is exactly why the missuz don't allow SOTG to drink in the stadium.

Best of Submariner
Evidently, Rodney didn't want his Dill to catch cold at the game?

Best of Cybrludite
"What are the odds?", thought Gerris Wilkinson, "I have that exact same outfit!"

Best of GregMan
"May I have a few moments of your time to tell you about Ron Paul?"

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Spanking the Honkey




1. "Someone's gotta learn this b!tch how to accessorize!" John Edwards snapped.

2. "From now on you'll remember, shampoo-and-conditioner-in-one is a lie! An awful, awful lie!"

3. "Do not ever, EVER suggest I go to SuperCuts again!"

4. "Something's wrong," Silky Pony thought. "Shouldn't I be the one being spanked? And shouldn't she be a rough trick named Jim?"

5. "You call that a pimp hand?" Hillary sniffed. "I feel like a four year old girl is waving a daisy at me. Now, Janet Reno, there was some 'rough justice!'"

Best of curly
Rectum? Damn near caused split ends!

Best of Chrees
"I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of..."

Best of curly
“Sure, I know what to do when you see a woman bent over provocatively…Spank her!”

Best of Tim
Obama's time as the Master of Fantasy Island, was mainly centered around settling old scores.

Best of Jack Reacher
"The candidate with the biggest house gets to do the spanking, Hil, that was the deal."

Best of duke of red
Anyone else aroused by this picture? .....Anyone?...Hello?.......Bueller?

Best of Army of Mom
I.SAID.TO.IRON.MY.SHIRT!

Best of Whoopsie-Daisey
B.O.; "No, Pony - sentence is death by bunga-bunga..."


The Horror of Party Beach


1. "The whale's about to explode!"

2. "Rosie jumped off the boat!"

3. "I just saw Ted Kennedy shirtless!"

4. "Michael Moore is peeing in the ocean, and he won't stop!"

5. "I just found out John McCain was the Republican nominee."

Best of andthenblammo!
"No, that's NOT a Baby Ruth!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Man, that David Spade needs more sun.

Best of Jack Reacher
The Surf Vampire, upper right, claims its latest victim.

Best of curly
“Who the hell let Ted Kennedy drive the bus?”

Best of curly
Authorities had Rosie O’Dumbell do a cannonball off the coast of Hawaii in order to test the Los Angeles ‘Tsunami Early Warning System’.

Best of prince of leaves
A pod-person with cerebral palsy screeches as she spots a human on the beach.

Best of Rodney Dill
The return of Ziggy Stardust.

Best of Submariner
no. No. NO! dammit - don't send Hasselhoff when I'm drowning - send ELENIAK!

Best of gregory
"...and finally, beaches in the Hamptons will be closed today after a large amount of white trash has reportedly washed ashore. Officials belive the contamination floated in from New Jersey."

Best of lawhawk
Well.. she knows she saved a bundle on car insurance by switching to Geico.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Where No Dummy Has Gone Before

Army of Mom


1. "Scotty, please, for the love of God, beam back Uhura's head!!"

2. "Dammit! The Pelosians have used their deadly Botox weapon. Can't... move... face..."

3. "No, Hillary, I don't care if they're just as lifelike as William Shatner, they're still not allowed to vote in the Nevada primary."

4. "Hey, just for gits and shiggles, let's beam Kucinich on board and probe him for a while."

5. And rounding out our list of "50,000 Things that would be better parents than Britney Spears...", wax Star Trek dummies...


58 Comments
Best of Army of Mom
Sorry, Captain. I seemed to have lost my head.

Best of Rodney Dill
Kirk: "What did I just sit on?"

Best of Submariner
Evidently, Captain Kirk got head from Uhura during the commercial break.

Best of Frank_IBC
"Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not an emo kid! Now someone get this damned wig off of me!"

Best of prince of leaves
Despite its retro trappings, the new Trek movie updates the familiar characters for 2008: a metrosexual Kirk, a caveman Chekov, an emo Bones, a Spock with anger management problems, a Scotty with an eating disorder, and an Islamic apostate Uhura.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Don't phase me, bro!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
With her head doing a guest spot on Futurama, Uhura was able to work with a conflicting schedule.

Best of curly
“The Word Verification Drive is overheating, Captain! I don’t know how long we can bfghiiy kjjnzzs gppqzxd iidhwzx!”

Best of Submariner
Well, Jim, it's like this; Spock took the wardroom to Benihana's for lunch, and Uhura leaned over as the chef was doing the shrimp, and, uh...

Best of Submariner
Dammit, Jim! I told you not to have that second bowl of "McCoy Family Recipe Beans" at the campsite, but nooooooo. Now look what you did to Uhura!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Is that Chekov or Pete Rose?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "What do you know, Uhura... You're just a silly grup. Bonk-bonk! on the head!... Ooooops!"

Best of Army of Mom
IM ON YOUR BRIJ DIDDLN UR BUTTONZ

Chels, I Am Your Father

Timmah!

1. Most attendees at the Pahrump Nevada SciFiGateCon thought Hillary's vow to "build a gigantic death star to strike down my Republican enemies" was just more pandering. Oh, how wrong they were.

2. Monica to Bill: "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

3. Realizing that surrounding herself with James Carville, Sid Blumenthal, and Madeleine Albright made her campaign look like the cantina scene from Episode 4, Hillary just went all-in.

4. In the back of her head, Hilldog wondered, "Is this really worth it just to get Kucinich on my ticket?"

5. "Your Magic Negro is no match for the power of Dark Side!"

Best of Van Helsing
"…and when I'm elected, I'll use the giant 'laser' on the 'Death Star' to blow up all the red states!"

Best of Kaptain
"Ah-hah! Simon didn't say 'Simon says vote for Obama!' All of you guys are out!"

Best of nutz4Tuna
Hillary Clinton reacts to seeing an old friend on the Death Star.

Best of curly
“What is thy bidding, Lord Soros?”

Best of Submariner
Prepair campaign for Ludicrous speed. Fasten all contribution containers. Seal all entrance and exit polls. Lock all Congressmen on the Mall. Cancel the Senate circus. Secure all right-wing talk show conspirators in the zoo...

Best of GregMan
"I've had more women than all of you sci-fi geeks put together! Nyah nyah nyah!!!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"That Obama-Obama-Binks really pushes my buttons!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Bill to Monica: "You’re all clear, kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!"

Best of Targetpractice
Well, that explains why the last words ever spoken to Vince Foster by Hillary were "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Best of Jack Reacher
Well, I guess I haven't seen her and Bob Novak in the same place at the same time, now that I think about it...

Best of attmay
Hooooo-WEEEE! You don't wanna be wearing this thing when you're basted in patchouli oil.


Thursday, January 17, 2008

More Paulina


1. "Screw the prom. Let's just go to the roof and hock loogies onto pedestrians."

2. "Watch me put this cinder block through the windshield of Mike Huckabee's Toyota."

3. OHAI. I IS GRAYSCALE NOW. IS ROOM 4 ME ON BANNER? KTHX BAI

4. "Well, if you didn't want me to go to the top of your building, then what did you mean by 'roofies,' Mr. Maher?"

5. "Mrs Clinton! What are you doing with that strap-on?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"So tell me, Subby... What is the 'Eighth-of-a-mile- high club'?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hef's got the coolest gargoyles.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I met Richie through his MySpace page... He posted this cute picture he took of himself in the bathroom mirror, and I just felt a sort of.... connection, ya know?"

Best of duke of red
Verily, who is this Paulina, and why doth she createth much engorgement in mine trou?

Best of prince of leaves
Many viewers felt let down after all the hype, when the monster from "Cloverfield" turned out to be a spoiled fifty-foot supermodel having a snit fit.


Yea, Fuzzy


1. Ah, Thursday, when all the cappers feel warm and fuzzy. Mostly fuzzy in this case.

2. YOUR PERSIAN CAT. I SKINNED AND WEARS IT.

3. Yeah, she's failing the field sobriety test big time, but who cares?

4. Andrew Sullivan: "What are the odds, I have that outfit!"

5. "Stimulus Package? I'm wearing it!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
What a trooper! Dislocated shoulder blade, yet she can still salute!

Best of curly
A hungry Hillary orders “something from the fuzzy food group” for lunch.

Best of GOP & College
LOPSID'D GURL IZ KROOKED.

Best of divine miss m
It lifts, separates and keeps your ears warm.


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

White Suits After Labor Day Make Baby Jebus Cry


1. To comfort himself after his loss, Mike Huckabee goes voguing with John Edwards.

2. "Hurry up you guys, those snakes aren't going to handle themselves"

3. By combining the two art forms of mime and televangeism, Richard was determined to become the most hated man in America.

4. The Democrats hired an exorcist to cleanse their convention hall. It didn't work and Hillary was nominated anyway.

5. Before hitting on the "Wild and Crazy Guy" persona, Steve Martin experimented with a "Baptist Minister Miming Volleyball Returns" persona.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Don't shoot, Mr. Blackwell! I surrender!"

Best of Silhouette
ORA - "For the last time, get out of here. I don't serve Japanese food!"

Best of curly
Don't praise me, bro!

Best of Mr. Right
♪ It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A... ♪

Best of Chrees
Yea verily, I quote from the second chapter of the Acts of Tom when I say, "Respect the cock!"

Altered Best of Submariner
Nausea - heartburn - indigestion - upset stomach - diarrhea... that was my response to McCain winning in South Carolina, too.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Give me a freakin' break, Scott... you're not pious enough to preach at my ministry. You're quasi-pious. You're the margarine of pious. You're the Diet Coke of pious. Just one calorie, not pious enough."

Best of Submariner
Whooooaaaa! Any fragrant pirate hookers?

Best of Jonathan
"I am Cornholio! I need TP!"

Best of champaignken
"Throw out your hands!!
Stick out your tush!!
Hands on your hips
Give them a push!!
You'll be surprised
You're doing the French Mistake!!
VOILA!!"

Best of Colonel Forbin
My dear guests! I am Mr. Roarke, your host. Welcome... to Fantasy Island!

Best of Rodney Dill
"No Soup for You!"

Best of Cybrludite
Make sure to record when he starts speaking in tounges. Blogger is running out of verification words!

Best of Army of Mom
Oompa, oompa, ooompaty ooooo... I've got another gospel for you ....

So, How Was Your Day?

Brender


1. The Hillary campaign does not like it when a check fails to clear.

2. John McCain's Michigan campaign chair learns first hand about the senator's legendary temper.

3. Mike Huckabee finds your lack of faith distubing. And since he won't have anything to do with satanic supernatural powers, he's just going to smash your head with a sledge-hammer.

4. The leader of the Beijing chapter of the Peter Gabriel fan club shows his commitment.

5. Excedrin no longer tests on animals. They use Chinese political prisoners.

Best of Jack Reacher
Red Bricks: Apply directly to the forehead.

Best of The Man
"Hey, Ron Paul makes more sense...wait, no...hit me again"

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
Rejected by the USO, Gallagher entertained the North Korean army instead. They had no food to smash, but they did have plenty of rubble and prisoners.

Best of Submariner
"Thank you, Dear Reader; May I have another?"

Best of curly
A properly chastised Comrade Hsu would henceforth insure that all of the toys and trinkets leaving his production line contained the proper amounts of toxic lead.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
How SOTG feels when he opens the comments window and sees Jack Reacher already took his "Apply directly to forehead!" cap.

Best of Targetpractice
Best Gene Wilder voice: "Boy, are they strict."

Best of Gagdad Bob
Good thing I had these protective bricks on my head. That could'a really hurt.

Best of Mr. Right
"Gawdamm Mongorians! Quit knocking down my sheety wall!!!"

Best of Silhouette
"There! That oughta keep make that cowlick stay down."


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Doesn't even need no stinking caption




Best of Gagdad Bob
"I knew John Edwards. She's no John Edwards."

Best of curly
Harry Reid: I'm anal about my rights!
Nancy Pelosi: You're right about anal!

Best of curly
When Botox meets Viagra...Next on "Oprah"!

Best of Frank_IBC
It wasn't until Senator Reid took a deep sniff that anyone realized that Speaker Pelosi had been dead for the past 48 hours.

Best of Foz
There... I think I had the batteries in backwards... is it working now?

Best of lawhawk
Where the hell is the gawddamned on/off switch!

Magic Negro, It's What's For Dinner


1. A former Bill Clinton intern has a Pavlovian response upon meeting a Democrat presidential candidate.

2. The Wraith Queen was pleased to have such a clean, articulate human to feed on.

3. The Furies looked fabulous somewhat better after Montel gave them makeovers.

4. The editor passed on the obvious caption, knowing that the suspension of disbelief required to believe a trio of blonde Democrat women muttering "BRAINS" was beyond his audience.

5. August 2008: 25 people are crushed to death when Janet Reno tries crowd-surfing at the Democrat National Convention.

Best of duke of red
NOM NOM NOM NOM!!

Best of duke of red
I CAN HAZ DARK MEET?

Best of Rodney Dill
Its twoo, Its twoo

Best of Army of Mom
Really, lady, I'm not a dentist. I can't help you with that molar.

Best of Jonathan
George Romero's wife was really beginning to freak out Obama.

Best of Submariner
...so then I says "That ain't a penis, Hill; THIS is a penis!"
>zzzzzzip!<

Best of Robert
Still think the 19th Amendment was a good idea?

Best of ochagirl
As, he met with the League of Female Trekkies, Obama lacked the slightest clue what the "Kahn" reference that random women screamed at him was all about.

Best of Jay Guevara
Obama thought bubble: "Damn! The Oval Office's gonna need a bigger desk to fit all these ho's underneath it."


Ululululululululululululululu, Part I



1. After leaving office, Bush trained as a moehl.

2. After Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Joy Behar, Katie Couric, Medea Benjamin, Cindy Sheehan, Barbara Boxer, Gloria Steinem, Cynthia McKinney, Madeleine Albright, Maureen Dowd, and Cher were ritually beheaded on the White House lawn, Americans embraced shariah law by wide margins.

3. "On three, we charge into Hillary's cooter and see if we can clean out all that brush."

4. Bush chuckled, "I see someone's over-compensating big time. Cheney could kill this guy with a pocket knife."

5. "Say it with me, Sheikh Yerbouti. 'By the power of Greyskull!...'"

Best of curly
Dizzy from jet lag, disgusting food and entertainment that would make a pedophile blush, President Bush wonders whether it’s Kill-the-Jooos Monday, Stone-the-Queers Tuesday, Decapitate-the-Infidels Wednesday, Honor-Killing Thursday, Jihad Friday, Clitorectomy Saturday, or Allah-Akbar Sunday.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Sorry, Abdullah, you know the rules... There can be only one!"
*SWOOOSH*
*THUD*
*lightning*

Best of Jack Reacher
"So, is this one of those Brazilian restaurants where waiters bring around slabs of meat on swords? 'cause I'm gettin' hungry, Prince."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Well, it's been fun in the eight century and all, Prince, but I've gotta get back to the world."

Best of curly
A sword in the hand is worth two in the Bush.

Best of Submariner
Uh, no yer holiness; when I asked if ya had a Sharpie, I meant...

Best of Submariner
Boy, Shiek - you really take yer D & D seriously!

Best of lawhawk
I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - the sequel.

Best of Mr. Right
"Very good, Mr. President. Now, remember, the sword will glow blue whenever the one called Hillary approaches, but you must remember to look only at her reflection, lest you be turned to stone!"

Best of Submariner
I don't know 'bout this here sword... But I got sweet bow staff skills, Shiek. GOSH

Monday, January 14, 2008

No Caption, Just This


Ululululululululululululululu, Part II



1. "Yeah, the two in front are hot. Too bad they're married."

2. "Hey, that 'Quiet-or-Papa-Stone-You-to-Death-for-Dishonoring-the-Family' works way better than my spanking thing."

3. Sheikh: "You would like lap-dance, Mr. President? My treat." Bush: "Maybe, if I spot one without noticeable facial hair."

4. "Lysistrata performed with pre-pubescent girls. Damn, I like this culture stuff. Yeee-haw!"

5. "What a cretin," thought the Sheikh. "Bill Clinton was already naked and slathered in honey at this point in the show."

Best of Van Helsing
Ten minutes later, the Blues had won. None of the Pinks was left alive.

Word Verification: aishaqueef

Best of divine miss m
It won't be long before they're in Las Vegas opening for Englebert Humperdink.

Best of Silhouette
When the music reached its height, Bush tried to sneak out the poot he'd been holding since lunch.

Best of prince of leave
"We represent the Sharia Guild, the Sharia Guild, the Sharia Guild!"

Best of Silhouette
"Please Mr. Bush, stop humming 'Rock in the Casbah."

Best of curly
"There were even more girls, but we had to stone several for walking around in public without their husbands."

Best of prince of leaves
Sheik's thought bubble: "Decadent American, playing living chess using little girls. Feh. Does he not find my catamite boys more beautiful?"

Best of prince of leaves
Sheik thought bubble: "Uh-oh, Bush is leaning this way...deja vu...please Allah, don't let him barf in my lap..."

Best of Chrees
"Say, did y'all ever figure out who blew up da owl?"

Best of Army of Mom
W thought cloud: what are the odds? I have both of these outfits.


All Horrowshow Like

Jack Reacher

1. "Got your nose, America! And if you want it back, you'll shut up and do as you're told!"

2. Things That Smell Like Huma Abedin, one in a series of ten.

3. A moment later, Hillary turned down her thumb, and Keith Olbermann rammed his gladius through Tim Russert's skull for the Glory of Rome and the Empress.

4. "Is it Thursday? F--kin' A!"

5. Some people enjoy it more than others when their laxative kicks in.

Best of curly
The Hildabeast endorses the SilktPony’s new line of hair care products for women on the go.

Best of Silhouette
And as the Soviet flag slowly lowered behind newly elected Clinton, she taunted, "Gotcha now, bitches!"

Best of Silhouette
After failing the JCPenney audition, Hillary tries for a gig on a Mentos commercial.

Best of Targetpractice
Socialism: Fuck Ya!

Best of prince of leaves
Seeing a well-dressed Chinese man in the audience, Hillary reflexively pantomimes the signal to "bring the money bag to the green room".

Best of Jack Reacher
Hillary signaled approval of the crowd's screams, unaware that a giant Tylenol capsule was rolling inexorably toward her.

Best of trigger girlie
Hillary is using a mute button on her imaginary remote to turn off the booing crowd

Best of Army of Mom
Hillary's botox worked so well, she had to come up with excited hand gestures to match her facial expression.

Best of sonicfrog
Spoiler Allert!!! The monster from "Cloverfield" revealed!!!

Best of Submariner
"Snuke in the snitch? F--kin' A!"



Saturday, January 12, 2008

She's a Man, Baby



Best of Jack Reacher
Wow, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon have really let themselves go.

Best of Jay Guevara
Heather has two...uh...two...uh...parents, yes, parents, that's it.

Best of Jay Guevara
Whoever told them to "man up" should've told them when to stop.

Best of Silhouette
The Huckabee boys' picture the governor does not want you to see.

Best of Mr. Right
After winning the Cher and Chastity look-alike contest, Bruce and Betty headed off to the all-you-can-eat sausage buffet and were never heard from again.

Best of Gagdad Bob
Maintaining a vibrant sexual polarity is the key to avoiding lesbian bed death.

Best of Submariner
Wonder if that New Orleans Chinese buffet banned these two? I'm just sayin'...

Best of Submariner
If shallow Hal saw this, imagine what the reality looked like!

Best of The Man
Since Chuck Norris didn't work. Mike Huckabee agreed to star in an episode of Wife Swap.

Best of Gagdad Bob
I guess this answers the question of how Roseanne surpassed the experience of sleeping with Tom Arnold.

Two Young Boys and Some Hot Black Pusseh

Timmah!


1. "Well, hell-O, sailor!" Billy and Salem thought there was something a little... funny... about the new Sullivan kid.

2. "I brought the sacrifice. Start drawing the pentagram."

3. Socially isolated by Tommy's swishy ways and Billy's deformed conjoined twin, the two boys formed a lifelong friendship.

4. "Well, how are we going to prove there's more than one way if you only brought one cat?"

5. "Did you bring duct tape?"

Best of andthenblammo!
"Dammit, are we waltzing or doing the damn foxtrot? Let me lead!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "Somebody help me! My pussy's gone crazy!!!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Sorry, this is the Village of the Damned...you want the Village of the Nellies, down the road."

Best of prince of leaves
Where will YOU be when your psychopathic tendencies emerge?

Best of Submariner
Looks like we'll have a sailor that falls from grace with the sea tonight afterall...

Best of Jack Reacher
Hope, Arkansas, 1955--the first recorded instance of a young Bill Clinton saying "Turn around and show us that pussy."

Best of Shayne
V the K, the early years. (Um, I assume I'm the kid with the cat, and not the kid leaning on the bike with his hips thrust out in a 'Hello, Sailor' stance - V)

Best of Mr. Right
A young Dr. Evil finally grows weary of being teased: "That makes me angry... and when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people DIE!!!"

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
OH NOES! NO MORE SWAPYS WITH GOOFUS, PETEY. HE MAKES ME LICK THE TUNA JUICE FROM BAD PLACES.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Lifts and Separates

John Schneider


1. "Now THAT'S a queef!"

2. INVISIBLE BROOMSTIK

3. "When I get home, that boy of mine better not have his pansy a$ in my pink stockings and garter again."

4. "A long stride will quickly put many kilometers between you and those beastly security people at Old Navy." --- Excerpt and Illustration from Dawn's Guide to Celebrating a Pistons Championship.

5. A scientific miracle occurs when Gina's yeast infection achieves cold fusion.

Best of attmay
"I don't know why I still do this," she thought to herself. "My mother died fifteen years ago, so whether or not I step on a crack is a moot point."

Best of Van Helsing
The Ministry of Silly Walks — Airborne Division

Best of The Man
It was very uncomfortable to walk the next day. Damn, that was the last time she turned a trick with Huckabee.

Best of Gagdad Bob
The answer to the question, "Who could give a flying f*ck?"

Best of Targetpractice
Lightspeed Boots: For when you've got to get to that shoe sale first.

Best of Cybrludite
"Finally!", thought Aquaman, "A superhero with powers more useless than mine!" His joy was short-lived as she proceeded to skewer the Joker through the eye-socket with her boot-heel.

Best of prince of leaves
On the next episode of "Heroes": in Oslo, Inga Johansson inadvertently discovers her utterly useless superpower, the ability to long-jump twenty meters at a time while putting on mascara. Sylar for once passes on eating a brain.

Best of Jack Reacher
"When John Edwards is president, levitating blondes will put their feet on the pavement and WALK!"

Best of Submariner
The Brooklyn All-Girl Quidditch Team had a somewhat unorthodox practice strategy for keeping the Seeker's eye on the Snitch...

Best of curly
“Damn amateur”, grunted Maria Verona Garcia Fernandez, longtime border jumper.


Disturbing on oh-so-many levels

Timmah!


1. Karl Rove's Mini-Me prepares to assist his clone-daddy with his Satanic rituals.

2. Richie always wondered why *his* myspace page never got any offers from innernet pedophiles.

3. Whenever Hillary Clinton needs to cry, this is the image she thinks of.

4. One day, Richie just took a good hard look at himself and decided emotionally unstable Goth Girls were his best shot at escaping virginity.

5. His habitual erotic fixation on dressing in satanic garb and videoing himself using the toilet earned Richie a write-up in The Journal of the American Psychological Association and an invitation to a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house.

Very Super Best of metalgarth
"Folsum Street Fair... I tell you whut, that sounds like a good time" Hank Hill figured that this was just another one of Bobby's phases that would be soon forgotten but had no idea what he had just committed himself to.

Best of The Man
That's right girls...eat the popcorn, ummm so buttery.

Best of Targetpractice
Warning: Objects in mirror may be more pathetic than they appear.

Best of Targetpractice
What are the odds? I have that outfit!

Best of trigger girlie
Toilet pull chain from Walgreens...$2
"Hot Azalea" lipstick from a dollar store...$1.20
Black Everlast hoodie from a garage sale...$3

Looking like an overweight gangsta version of Dr Finkelstein from "NIghtmareBefore Christmas"...Priceless

Best of Chrees
The winning photo at "Would You Hit This" since all the answers were "Yes, with a baseball bat."

Best of Chrees
The annual convention for the American Philosophical Association deteriorated into a free-for-all after the keynote speaker posed this year's debate question: "Can you simultaneously have no chins AND a double chin."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Dear Grandma, Mom said I had to write you a "thank you" letter for the scarf you sent for Christmas andto send you a picture. Thank you. Here is a picture of me pissing on your shitty gift.
Billy

Best of curly
Richie, running into the clenis-draining Hildabeast in the men’s room, hoped to catch the meeting on film. For some reason, however, the mirror-reflected picture does not Hillary standing right beside him.

Best of divine miss m
The 2008 Planned Parenthood poster child.

Best of duke of red
"Subby! Dinner's ready!......Are you recording yourself wanking in the sink again??!?"

Best of Robert
SWA (Single White Androgyne) seeks same for fun and games. Into showers, role play, and rituals.

Best of Gagdad Bob
Billy was hard to describe. It was as if nature had stopped halfway between a man and a vat of suet.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

My Fingers Smell Like Popcorns



1. "Wow, popcorn and Birth of a Nation on DVD. I love partying with Robert Byrd!"

2. "Wow, popcorn and Protocols of the Elders of Zion on DVD. I love partying with Ron Paul!"

3. "Wow, popcorn and Hairspray on DVD. I love partying with John Edwards!"

4. "Wow, popcorn and The Adventures of Long Dong Silver on DVD. I love partying with Clarence Thomas!"

5. "Wow, popcorn and Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS on DVD. I love partying with Hillary!"

6. "Popcorn and Heidi on DVD? Partying with Mitt Romney sucks."

7. "I love watching The Sound of Music with Ron Paul, but are we really supposed to be rooting for the Nazis?"

8. "Wow! Kucinich was right. If you drop acid and play Dark Side of the Moon while watching Wizard of Oz it totally syncs up."

9. "Yeah, I was expecting Huckabee to have a lot more popcorn, too."

10. "Wow, Popcorn and home-made pr0n with Bill Maher is so... whoa, I feel woozy all of a sudden."

Best of Capt. Queeg
Left: "Look, I'm Calista Flockhart having dinner."
Right: ""Look, I'm Mary-Kate Olsen having dinner."
Middle:"Look, I'm Lindsay Lohan having dinner."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hey, wait a minute... this popcorn has rufies and lead in it!... Ancient Chinese secret, huh?"

Best of Army of Mom
Ok girls, when you're done with your snack, its back to work at the donut shop.

Best of Army of Mom
Ok girls, when you're done with your snack, its back to work at the Asian massage studio.

Best of curly
Following the Hsu affair, the Chinese government now gives Hillary other forms of compensation.

Best of curly
"Wow, popcorn and CopPorn. I love partying with Robert Mueller!"


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

And Then, Ted Nugent Woke Up


1. "Isn't this much more fun than some stupid prom? Now, toss me another beer."

2. "Hey, terrorists! Terrorize this!" I'll never understand why Matt and Trey decided to go with puppets.

3. And in the end, she made good on her vow "(Not to) pay a lot for this muffler."

4. Casual Fridays at the United States Postal Service.

5. Usually, its the reader who shoots off on Thursday.

Best of curly
Next, on “24”: After his total transformation under distress, Jack finally escapes from the set of ‘Queer Eye For The Straight Guy’.

Best of Submariner
I dunno, is it just me or is Quentin Tarrantino an odd choice to direct Miss Congeniality III?

Best of Submariner
Cleveland St was a quieter place after Lara Croft moved in and took care of the Bumpus' dogs once and for all.

Best of Submariner
"You had me at the first clip."
Tacklebury was hopelessly in love...

Best of Chrees
Overheard at Spike TV's offices:
"Who needs writers? Let's just show babes and guns. And babes shooting guns. And babes..."

Best of Double the U
Red State foreplay.

Best of The Man
Who needs writers? Jacqueline Bauer will be the new star of 24...in my pants.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It must be a "left-brain / right-brain" thing, cuz my eyes are in an endless belly-button / firearm loop.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Here's how I FINALLY squirrel-proofed my birdfeeder! Eat hot lead, Foamy!"

Best of Army of Mom
Next on Manswers: how to tell if a woman wants to break up.

Best of divine miss m
I want a margarita and I want it now.

Best of Army of Dad
Army of Dad Standard Cap:
These are a few of my favorite things.

And Just to Finish Off the Gheyest Wednesday in Cap Dis History


Best of Son Of The Godfather
Sign behind them:"IRON MY SHIRTS!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"O.K., so we'll just tread on your flamboyant friend then..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Haley Joel Osment grew up to be quite political... and a little swishy.

Best of Van Helsing
It's a good thing he's anal about his "rights" because he can shove them right up his—

Best of Targetpractice
Something tells me the two guys behind him are more than willing to help him "exercise" those rights.

Best of Jack Reacher
Frank and Lola displayed their whimsical signs, unaware that the alien zombies were right behind them.

Best of Submariner
Butt.Plug.Slipping.Out.Must.Keep.Smiling.

Best of Robert
Delegates hold signs at the inaugural meeting of the Log Cabin Libertarians.

Best of attmay
So that's what happened to Meeno Peluce. We now return to our regularly scheduled not giving a damn, already in progress.