Monday, December 22, 2008

Hard Times


1. Coal in their stockings was just too good for the CEO's of bailed out banking institutions, but with their billions in taxpayer supplied bonuses, who cared if Santa thought they were naughty?

2. After the Democrat congress passed card-check, the elves workshop was taken over by the UAW. The new contract meant Santa had to pay them full-time wages even if they did nothing but play reindeer games. Soon, the North Pole was bankrupt and Santa was reduced to this.

3. "Whoa, is that George W. Bush's last shred of common sense? How long has that been in there?"

4. "Oh, look, the dignity of the U.S. Senate. Franken must have 'won' the recount."

5. "Wow! Look at all the testicles. This must be GOP campaign headquarters."

Wicked Best of Prince of leaves
What Santa left in the dumpster would be the subject of tragedy-whore Nancy Grace's breathless, sensational, and exploitative conjectures for the next six months.

Best of metalgarth
Sometimes Santa wondered if it was worth the time and effort to leave Oscar the Grouch a lump of coal in his stocking.

Best of Matt the Kostume
Santa delivers presents to Margot Kidder's house.

Best of GregMan
"Oh, look, the U.S. economy!"

Best of GregMan
"Oh, look, the stock price of the New York Times!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Paul took off the white disco suit and put on the Santa suit to throw off Henry Rollins.

Best of molson
I know it doesn't look good, but at least this time Santa is wearing pants.

Best of mega
In a rare moment of clarity, Santa suddenly realized that all of the consumerist trash he'd been delivering to kids for two millenia was just that, and tossing it all in the dumpster lifted a huge weight off his shoulders.

Best of Jack Reacher
He was reduced to this, after an FBI wiretap caught Santa ranting "Hey, a spot on the Nice list is worth a lot; I'm not gonna just GIVE it away!"

Best of Rodney Dill

Oh... who ate the raisins outta grandma's puke...


Best of Submariner
Dub finally finally finds the perfect woman - not one ounce of body fat...

33 comments:

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Well lookie here... must be thousands of ACORN registration slips, all filled out in the name of Casper the Friendly Ghost!

-or-

Man, I hate scrounging in these White House trash bins. Nothing but shredded science documents, blacked out FOI requests, scores of crumpled up environmental impact studies, drafts of Bush's Constitutional Amendment wish list, and 8 years worth of his Christian Jihad Monthly subscription. EUREKA! The twins come through with a half empty vodka bottle!

Achilles said...

"Look, the will of the voters! This must be the California Supreme Court."

metalgarth said...

Sometimes Santa wondered if it was worth the time and effort to leave Oscar the Grouch a lump of coal in his stocking.

Matt the Kostume said...

Santa delivers presents to Margot Kidder's house.

Whacko said...

"No, little girl, you have to stay in the dumpster - its your reward for being on top of the 'naughty' list."

GregMan said...

Yet another former Attorney General fired by the Bush/Rove cabal tries his luck at a new career.

GregMan said...

"Oh, look, the U.S. economy!"

GregMan said...

After Christmas had been banned by the Obamessiah Administration in favor of Ramadan, former department store Santas fell onto hard times.

GregMan said...

"Oh, look, the stock price of the New York Times!"

Kaptain Krude said...

ORA: Paul took off the white disco suit and put on the Santa suit to throw off Henry Rollins.

Ok, V, I bet you don't get this one!

flyovercountry said...

Because a lump of coal is not bad enough of a present for the members of the new Democrat majority, Santa is forced to look elsewhere.

Achilles said...

Oh, Look... the Bush Legacy. Right next to the pardon requests for Ramos and Compean.

molson said...

After the second great stock market crash in 2009, previously high flying stock traders were forced to find a new line of work.

molson said...

I know it doesn't look good, but at least this time Santa is wearing pants.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Ho Ho Ho, stay in the bag, little rat. Once you're skinned and roasted, you look like squirrel and taste like chicken. This'll be our little secret... the soup kitchen doesn't want to know anyway. And, who's your friend? Here, kitty kitty kitty.
Might explain why good samaritans can now be sued.

mega said...

C'mon, be realistic about it. What were we really expecting to happen to caucasian Santas after Obama took the helm?

mega said...

In a rare moment of clarity, Santa suddenly realized that all of the consumerist trash he'd been delivering to kids for two millenia was just that, and tossing it all in the dumpster lifted a huge weight off his shoulders.

mega said...

POLICE BULLETIN:
Anyone with information pertaining to a large number of abused reindeer carcasses left in a dumpster off Lex and 43rd, please call Precinct 1.

Submariner said...

GregMan said...
"Oh, look, the U.S. economy!"


Nice try, GM, but I'm pretty sure that would have to be a toilet, not a dumpster...

Achilles said...

"The Precious-s-s-s-s-s-s, We wants it!"

prince of leaves said...

What Santa left in the dumpster would be the subject of tragedy-whore Nancy Grace's breathless, sensational, and exploitative conjectures for the next six months.

prince of leaves said...

"Well now, what are the chances of finding Bush's remaining goodwill, Congress' last shred of credibility, McCain's loyalty, and Obamessiah's "Change" all in the same dumpster?"

Jack Reacher said...

After finding more than a few fascinating documents in the dumpster behind the Illinois governor's mansion, Santa struck a deal, and assumed his Senate seat the next week.

Jack Reacher said...

He was reduced to this, after an FBI wiretap caught Santa ranting "Hey, a spot on the Nice list is worth a lot; I'm not gonna just GIVE it away!"

Jack Reacher said...

"I was hoping to score some good gifts, but all I find are journalistic ethics and political integrity."

mandible claw said...

Santa still held onto the belief that Obama's middle-class tax cut was real, and continued to search through areas where it might have been misplaced.

(accidentally posted this on the thread above)

Rodney Dill said...

"Wow a last shread of decency... I knew Blago's office was the perfect place to dumpster dive."

Rodney Dill said...


Oh... who ate the raisins outta grandma's puke...

Kaptain Krude said...

"These kids today... wanting a Paris Hilton cum dumpster doll... How the hell am I supposed to know which one of these dumpsters has a Paris Hilton in it?" Santa swore that he would catch up on this modern lingo as soon as Christmas was over.

Kaptain Krude said...

"LIttle bastards... leave me skim milk, low-fat cookies, and a diet book... I'll teach them a thing or two... oh, and don't even get me started on me being "green"... What the hell's up with that? Oh, I'll teach them to screw with me! Anne Margeret Lewis, you'll wish you never made my naughty list!"

steve o said...

What, you didn't think the elves made all the toys, did you?

Submariner said...

Dub finally finally finds the perfect woman - not one ounce of body fat...

dub said...

V the K, although cleverly disguised, is caught looking for the next Thursday babe.