1. "Dear Mom, Well, once again, Mr. 'Thpock' has shown up for the morning watch walking funny and wearing the wrong tunic. I tell you, the list of places 'where no man has gone before' most definitely does not include Spock's poop chute."
2. "... and I swear if Mr. Sulu grabs my thigh one more time while 'accidentally' reaching for the impulse engine controls he'll be piloting the ship with his left hand from now on."
3. "Aw, geez. Now, Spock just pooted. Watch him blame it on me and claim Vulcans never fart."
4. "I'll fire phasers in a minute. First, I have to sign Uhura's birthday card."
5. "Wouldn't it be cool if we got to wear... I don't know, rainbow toques or something?"
Best of Jack Reacher
"It appears, Mr. Sulu, that another copy of Stud Puppet magazine has jammed the controls."
"Oh, ah, that belongs to the ensign."
Best of Silhouette
"Stop wasting time with that stupid puzzle, Lt. Sudoku."
Best of Kaptain Krude
Spock: "Fascinating. The new gaydar keeps giving a contact from here on the bridge. Observations, Mr. Sulu?"
Sulu: (soto voce) "Bitch."
Best of metalgarth
I hate it when they print the Jumble in Klingon!
Best of MattKostume
"Hmmm... seventeen-letter word for 'Klingon sex organ'...."
Best of Submariner
Dear diary; I've been looking through the 21st century archives, and, hey; John Edwards is good!
Best of dub
Ensign Ricky felt an odd sense of pride, and also shame, for only having one sodomy bracelets.
Best of lawhawk
Day 65. The showers stopped working a week ago, and you have no idea what body odor is until you work with a Vulcan.
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
"Slower, Spock! I graduated near the bottom of my secretarial class. Taking shorthand's hard enough in English, much less Vulcan expletives... at warp speed... while dodging those photon thingies. Should abandon ship be capitalized?"
Best of MattKostume
Lets see... blinky lights, fake boulders, ear extensions, fabulous trousers... what else do we need from the store???
Best of Rodney Dill
OK, now what a six letter word for the Roman god of fire?
Best of flyovercountry
OK, carry the 9, then add the next column to the left, got it. Mr. Spock, planet RH457 is 978,560,008,957,690,453,675,867,980 miles away.
Best of Jay Guevara
"Lieutenant, calculate how much we have to reduce the gain to keep the gaydar from blowing up."
Best of prince of leaves
"And as for you, Mr. Sulu, I'll thank you to stop attempting 'the Catamite Maneuver' on the young ensign here whenever I leave you alone with him on the bridge."
Best of Double the U
Stop looking over my shoulder Spock! Stop cheating and get your own answers.
Best of mega
Sadly, when Windows2266 froze, it was back to pens and paper on the Enterprise. Spock's vain attempt to fix the system with a stun-grip was laughable in the face of three centuries of accumulated bugs and bloatware.
Best of attmay
"Captain Kirk, what's a seven-letter word for a fat, bald, egomaniac, third letter "A"? Never mind, I think I thought of one."
63 comments:
"Spock always puts an X in the center, but this time I'm sure I can win the tic tac toe game.
wv: derope. Use it to tie deknot.
"And, being that I am considered expendable on our forays to other planets, I am leaving my capri pants to my wife, and my phaser to my little brother Joe."
"It appears, Mr. Sulu, that another copy of Stud Puppet magazine has jammed the controls."
"Oh, ah, that belongs to the ensign."
"And....done! There; another vote for Franken."
Ensign Expendable reluctantly signs the release form before being beamed down to planet X-97.
Ensign Smith signs as a witness on Spock & Sulu's wedding certificate. Apparently Prop 8 does not apply in outer space...
Ensign Expendable knew that ordering a wardrobe of red tunics was practically a death warrant.
"Stop wasting time with that stupid puzzle, Lt. Sudoku."
"...Starlog 1116. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Finding it hard to monitor the ship...Mr. Spock leaned over, and that ass was set on 'stun'..."
Spock: "Fascinating. The new gaydar keeps giving a contact from here on the bridge. Observations, Mr. Sulu?"
Sulu: (soto voce) "Bitch."
"I was supposed to boldly go where no man had gone before. Imagine my disappointment when I realized I wasn't his first...
All I need to do to be accepted into the Romulan Art Institute is draw this little picture of the Turtle Nebula? Sounds great.
I hate it when they print the Jumble in Klingon!
What the hell is this Cryptoquip suppossed to mean?
"30 to 40 year old losers from the 20th and 21st centuries who live in their parent's basements idolize you"
Let's see... I think I'll order the X-Ray Glasses, Exploding Cigarettes, Sea Monkies and a Whoopie Chusion
"Hmmm... seventeen-letter word for 'Klingon sex organ'...."
"Dear SPACEHOUSE... One night on the bridge, I found myself alone with 2 hunky crewmates. I could tell by the hunger in their eyes..."
As part of his quartermaster duties, Yeoman Eddie signs the requisition form for rainbow toques.
Ensign Expendable knew that ordering a red tunic from the Starfleet Catalog was practically signing his own death warrant.
Dear diary; imagine my surprise when I got to my first ship and the recruiters were actually from a future show. There was no smoking lady counselor and the doctor is a crotchety old dude with a south'n accent instead of a hot redheaded milf!
Dear diary; I've been looking through the 21st century archives, and, hey; John Edwards is good!
Dear diary; it's bad enough getting propositioned byt the guy at the next station every watch, but my relief asks me "Where are the nuclear wessels?" every turnover...
Ensign Ricky felt an odd sense of pride, and also shame, for only having one sodomy bracelets.
Spock lends a helping hand to Kirk via the recently installed Enterprise Gloryhole.
Damn my balls sure itch.
Day 65. The showers stopped working a week ago, and you have no idea what body odor is until you work with a Vulcan.
"Slower, Spock! I graduated near the bottom of my secretarial class. Taking shorthand's hard enough in English, much less Vulcan expletives... at warp speed... while dodging those photon thingies. Should abandon ship be capitalized?"
Here we are on a multitrillion dollar vessel with a talking computer, a transporter, an easybake oven that replicates anything you request... and our so-called science officer makes me take notes with a f'king Bic pen! So much for the paperless office.
WordVerify: lewoof - what ate Pepe Lepew?
Spock: Sulu, would you stop looking at male porn on the internet and get to work!
Spock: "I told them "Don't ask, don't tell", would not work.
Spock: Sulu, in the future you are going to have to clean up after yourself. Would someone bring me another pair of rubber gloves?
Great joke Spock. How'd that punch line go again, "Circle Uranus to wipe out Klingons?"
Dear Abby:
I have this Asian crewmate who I have a big crush on. Trouble is, I'm not sure if he's into guys or not... I'm afraid to ask him; I guess I'll have to wait 40 earth years to find out?...Please help!!!
Signed
Deep Throat Space 9
Lets see... blinky lights, fake boulders, ear extensions, fabulous trousers... what else do we need from the store???
Dear Big Bro:
Starfleet is NOTHING like you said it would be. Seems only the captain is gettin' some and talk about 'strange', his chicks are half-blue & half-green! The science officer is a real drip, and at bunk-time the helmsman keeps trying to "tuck me in". THANKS A LOT!
Bobby
Dear Mom & Dad:
Things are finally looking up. After weeks chained to this boring helm job, Mr. Spock has promoted me to something called a 'Redshirt' (?). Sounds exciting, he says it involves travel and I get to carry a real phaser! Oh, and he wanted your contact information. Whatever. Wish me luck!!!
Your Son, Yeoman Bobby
Damn. If only Uhura wouldn't lose her head so easily.
V - that one was for you. :) I fear few others will get that one, but I will explain if they want to know.
Beam me up, Scotty. Nothing but homos on the bridge this shift and they keep staring at my ass.
... and another fine prediction of the future by Gene Roddenberry, the transmission of porn over long distances.
OK, now what a six letter word for the Roman god of fire?
Dear Mom,
I don't know how to tell you this, but I have had some trouble with Tribbles, you are going to be a grandmother.
Your son,
Ensign H. Dog
OK, carry the 9, then add the next column to the left, got it. Mr. Spock, planet RH457 is 978,560,008,957,690,453,675,867,980 miles away.
I told you I wanted it is kilometers, now do it again Ensign H. Dog.
Damn Tribble f*&^$#@
I am so glad the ship designers put this toilet here, I had far too much Romulan ale last night.
Mr Sulu! You have your phaser set on stunning! I said "stun"!
v-work: bappoogi bappoogi?
"Lieutenant, calculate how much we have to reduce the gain to keep the gaydar from blowing up."
"It's more than fascinating, Mr. Sulu. It's faaaabulous."
"Ensign Expendible, if I hear you refer to Mr. Sulu as 'the Man Trap' once more, I shall be forced to recommend you for sensitivity training."
"And as for you, Mr. Sulu, I'll thank you to stop attempting 'the Catamite Maneuver' on the young ensign here whenever I leave you alone with him on the bridge."
Dear Canadian H.R.C.,
I would like to complain that I have not had any sexual harassment aimed towards me. Is there a way I can sue for mental anguish?
Sincerely,
Timmy Notgetingany
Dear Penthouse,
I thought the letters were only make-believe until I saw the Captain maing out with a green woman and something I can only describe as purple jelly with legs. It was a real turn on.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I found the man of my dreams, at least I think it was a man. You never can tell around here.
Love,
Timmy
Dear Mom and Dad,
Not only have America's chickens come home to roost, apparently they have also set up a colony next to the wormhole. I guess it's true, the early bird gets the worm
Love,
Timmy
Dear Bob,
I have to pretend to look busy while "You know who" is watching, but guess what, I saw this woman who looks kind of like Hillary Clinton and Obama's love child. She was kind of hot in her boots and mini-skirt.
Stop looking over my shoulder Spock! Stop cheating and get your own answers.
The prick of the Engineer Scott,
Fell off from Saturnian rot.
So he went to the basement,
And made a replacement,
Of tungeston, and plastic, and snot.
The Enterprise crew when off work,
Will f**k like an Ottoman Turk.
Uhuru the Zulu is shacked up with Sulu,
And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
Can't believe I got a chance to use these limericks after all these years!!
"Fascinating. Sensors indicate a large source of Queer Energy centered on the bridge."
"Why does the ship's computer come up with the answer 'Andrew Sullivan' to every question I ask it?"
Mr. Sulu thought bubble: "If Mr. Spock doesn't stop leaning over the console and wiggling his tight Vulcan butt like that, I'm throwing Starfleet's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy right out the window."
"First Officer's log, stardate 2385.3. The sexual tension on the bridge between myself and Mr. Sulu is becoming almost unbearable."
Sadly, when Windows2266 froze, it was back to pens and paper on the Enterprise. Spock's vain attempt to fix the system with a stun-grip was laughable in the face of three centuries of accumulated bugs and bloatware.
To Whom it May Concern at NBC-TV, Desilu, et al:
I do not care for the title you've suggested for Mr. Roddenberry's new science fiction series. It's too bland, generic, and misleading, seeing how none of our treks actually take us the stars, but to planets. I still prefer the original title, "Captain Jimmy and His Outer Space Wacko Brigade".
Sincerely,
DeForest Kelly
"Captain Kirk, what's a seven-letter word for a fat, bald, egomaniac, third letter "A"? Never mind, I think I thought of one."
Red shirt Ensign thought bubble: "Why do I always get stuck working the Lite Brite table??"
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