Saturday, October 18, 2008

Reach




1, Jared finally found a safe place to keep his stash.

2. Ow to Speak Awstralyun: "Foreplay"

3. The other farm-hands dreaded Monday mornings, when Joe would act out his weekends at the bath house.

4. "Great, now my whole arm is covered with hope and change."

5. Andrew Sullivan immediately converted to Hindu in hopes of being reincarnated as a Holstein.

Best of molson
Hey Bill! Steve was only f'ing with when he said cows have a reboot button. I can't believe you fell for that!

Best of robert
Now where did I leave my dignity? Oh, yeah - in here some where.

Best of flyovercountry
Joe, the dairy farmer, wishes Obama would explain his spread the wealth plan to him so he could tell him where he could put it.

Best of Dactyl
I can't find my keys anywhere...

Best of prince of leaves
TDC's unlikely hit, "The Cow Whisperer", contained several controversial deleted scenes when released on DVD.

Best of Jack Reacher
When Clem pulled out his hand, clutching dozens of ACORN-provided voter registration cards, the Ohio election results suddenly made more sense.

Best of Seoulman (R)
rectum? damn near killed 'em

Best of Whacko
"My grandpa was right. He said 'don't ever do anything once that you don't want to keep doing the rest of your life.'"

Best of Jay Guevara
Cow thought bubble: "Damn, America really is a downright mean country."

Best of mega
If you're a farm animal, in Brazil, you ARE going to end up in a porn vid at some point. You just let your mind go to another, happier place, a better time in your life, when you had dignity.

Best of Van Helsing
David Axelrod gathers material for Obama's next speech.

Best of Army of Mom
You thought you had a shitty job.

Best of Army of Dad
What? She wanted it, you saw the way she backed up to me!

Best of Dub
Happy Cows come from Folsom Dairies.

Best of dadoctah
"Oh boy", though Sam. "Ever since Al failed to dredge up more funding for the project, more and more of my Leaps seem to start out this way."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
TSA's pre-boarding frisking ritual is about to become considerably more intrusive.

71 comments:

Nose said...

Senator Obama's search for bullets for his resume continues...

Double the U said...

Oh stop it, it isn't that gross, he has to do that so the guy inside can get back out.

Anonymous said...

Amish mechanic.

Kaptain Krude said...

"This is the worst Halloween costume I've ever seen."

molson said...

Yeah. This is where I shove my lunch to warm it up. So what of it? You don't see any microwaves around here do ya?

molson said...

Hey Bill! Steve was only f'ing with when he said cows have a reboot button. I can't believe you fell for that!

Kaptain Krude said...

Farmer Bob demonstrates what an Obama presidency will feel like to the nation's population, only without the hand being ice cold and five times wider.


wv: umues
Read into that what you will.

Kaptain Krude said...

"Excuse me, miss, have you heard the good news about Ron Paul?"

Kaptain Krude said...

"Hey doc, I've already got a dentist!"

Kaptain Krude said...

"You're with Moooove-On? I find that claim highly preposterous!"

robert said...

Bossie (R-WI) has second thoughts about running for office as her press interview continues.

Can you answer the phone? I'm up to my elbow in poo.

V gets desperate looking for captions.

Now where did I leave my dignity? Oh, yeah - in here some where.

Mr. Garrison demonstrates - well, never mind.

flyovercountry said...

"Hello, I love you won't you tell me your name?
Hello, I love you let me jump in your game."
(All milk cows love The Doors)

flyovercountry said...

Joe, the dairy farmer, wishes Obama would explain his spread the wealth plan to him so he could tell him where he could put it.

Double the U said...

"Nope... that's not it..."

Dactyl said...

I can't find my keys anywhere...

prince of leaves said...

"What do you mean, it's a bull?" --the rookie insperminator's last words before being launched into orbit through the barn roof.

prince of leaves said...

Some boys dream of growing up to be astronauts, some baseball players, some actors, some even President. Jimmy always dreamed of...well...

prince of leaves said...

TDC's unlikely hit, "The Cow Whisperer", contained several controversial deleted scenes when released on DVD.

Jack Reacher said...

Hollywood producer Mervyn Feldstein reaches deep for another recycled movie plot.

Jack Reacher said...

When Clem pulled out his hand, clutching dozens of ACORN-provided voter registration cards, the Ohio election results suddenly made more sense.

Jack Reacher said...

"Mr. Baldwin? Miss Roberts? You can come out; Obama won."

mega said...

With the LIBOR finally stabilizing, Ted realized he should get back into mutual funds and went to retrieve his cash horde from "under the mattress."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

WKRP Newscast, Les Nessman reporting: "So, Mr. Bulltwaddle, exactly why do you have your arm halfway up a poor heifer's rectum?"
Hank sheepishly replies, "Waall, now, when I volunteahed to be ah female condom inspector, this heah is NOT how I imagined the durability tests would be conducted!"

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Erratum - sorry, y'all, I don't usually type in a "New England farm twang" dialect

WKRP Newscast, Les Nessman reporting: "So, Mr. Bulltwaddle, exactly why do you have your arm halfway up a poor heifer's rectum?"
Hank sheepishly replies, "Waall, now, when I volunteahed to be ah female condom inspectah, this heah is NOT how I 'magined the durability tests would be conducted!"

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Billybob's FARM FACTOID #18: "Not many cityfolk are aware of this, but when a Guernsey suffers from inverted nipples, you have to go in this way to poke 'em back out. Sometimes, I do the same thing to my missus, but she's a lot less cooperative."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Dub, please think carefully before captioning this one ... I have it on good authority favorable captions will encourage VtheK to post more cows on Thursdays!

Seoulman (R) said...

How Jim Henson got started

Seoulman (R) said...

rectum? damn near killed 'em

Seoulman (R) said...

I'm a love 'em and beef 'em kind of guy

Seoulman (R) said...

How the medical records of Michelle Obama were obtained.

(Please don't send the Obama squad after me)

Seoulman (R) said...

We begin where PETA is afraid to go

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Rep. Willard Buckston demonstrates the arcane but only congressionally-approved method for eliminating waste in government. Sadly, this is also the method rookie IRS agent are taught to separate tax money from its rightful owner. My fervent hope is that all incumbents are soon on the receiving end.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Fearful of Becky's reaction if she ever learned he'd lost his wedding ring, Buford took the bull by the horns (so to speak) and went on a fishing expedition. One down, 328 to go!

-OR-

Spelunker's Motto: Always use the buddy system when exploring caves.
After inhaling one methane fart too many, a comatose Buford was discovered dangling limply from Bessie's rear, by his wife, of course.

-OR-
Elmer cursed the old Yellow Pages jingle ringing in his ears - "Let your fingers do the walking..."

Whacko said...

"My grandpa was right. He said 'don't ever do anything once that you don't want to keep doing the rest of your life.'"

Whacko said...

At Texas A&M, freshmen only wished that this was all there was to hazing.

lawhawk said...

B*!! $hit!

Jay Guevara said...

1. Once they'd seen his art, the NEA had some sharp words for the artist they'd commissioned to "capture the spirit of George Soros's interaction with Barack Obama."

2. "Hey, I got your hope and change right here."

Jay Guevara said...

Cow thought bubble: "Damn, America really is a downright mean country."

mega said...

If you're a farm animal, in Brazil, you ARE going to end up in a porn vid at some point. You just let your mind go to another, happier place, a better time in your life, when you had dignity.

Van Helsing said...

David Axelrod gathers material for Obama's next speech.

Army of Dad said...

*Whistle while you work*

Army of Dad said...

Damn, dropped my bubble gum.

Army of Dad said...

I am here to pick @ss and chew bubble gum, and I am all out of bubble gum.

Army of Mom said...

You thought you had a shitty job.

Army of Mom said...

Mike Rowe has really let himself go.

Army of Mom said...

Farmer Dan and Bessie Make a Porno

Army of Mom said...

Nothing up my sleeve: Presto!

Army of Mom said...

PUPPETRY: UR DOIN IT WRONG!

Army of Mom said...

Jeff Dunham: the early days.

Army of Mom said...

Angry Wife: *yelling* I should have known I'd find you elbow deep in that cow!

Army of Mom said...

Honey, it isn't what you think. I was looking for my contact.

Army of Mom said...

Once the high wore off Farmer Dan swore he'd never smoke that whacky weed again. Bessie never looked at him the same after that fateful night.

Army of Mom said...

I bet he won't even call her tomorrow.

Army of Dad said...

Welcome to Crap This.

Army of Dad said...

What? She wanted it, you saw the way she backed up to me!

Paul said...

Voting booths in Enumclaw.

GregMan said...

Great Leader Osama's mandatory kindergarten Sex Ed classes took a not entirely unexpected turn in Enumclaw.

GregMan said...

The search for The Obamassiah's Columbia University records continues.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

"I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places"
Okay, I admit this is direct plagiarism from an old Playboy cartoon depicting an OBGYN approaching a patient with her feet in the stirrups.

Dub said...

Happy Cows come from Folsom Dairies.

Dub said...

This isnt where chocolate milk comes from.....is it??

Dub said...

Next Thursday's photo babe gets prepped for her photo shoot.

Army of Dad said...

...if this is my thermometer, then where is my pen?

Army of Dad said...

Obsessive compulsive career couselor. FAIL

dadoctah said...

"Oh boy", though Sam. "Ever since Al failed to dredge up more funding for the project, more and more of my Leaps seem to start out this way."

mpur said...

Most folks don't realize it, but there is a lot of intensive training before a cow is considered stump broke.

Army of Dad said...

Handy-capable Tommy believed the other farm hands when they told him how to milk a cow.

Dub said...

Andrew Sullivan spent his days dreaming of being a cow.

dub said...

Ok kids, for today's lesson, we'll be using pictures to explain current concepts. In this first picture the cow represents you and I. The farmer represents Obama's economic policies.

Any Questions?

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Object Lesson for Naive Voters:
Be wary of all politicians who claim they can pull a rabbit out of the hat to fix a problem. They don't know squat about hats or rabbits!

Carpe Phlogiston said...

LATE-BREAKING NEWS... PETA EXPOSES ANTI-TERRORIST PLAN!!!
Secretly filmed at Dept of Homeland Security Training Center - Think removing shoes was a pain? TSA's pre-boarding frisking ritual is about to become considerably more intrusive.