Monday, June 30, 2008

Office Space



1. All computers in the B&D department were confiscated after one employee was caught captioning during business hours.

2. "We don't need none of yer fancy computers!" the McCain campaign insisted.

3. Hell.

4. After 22 loyal years of service, Doreen gets a case of the Mondays, digs a .357 Magnum out of her purse, and lets the slaughter begin.

5. One desk, one phone, one piece of paper, one pencil, one line of coke. What else did you need in the seventies?

Best of Double the U
"Hello, welcome to the United States Government, my name is Michael how can I help you? ... Let me see if I can find that for you. Nope, none of my records here show that. Let me transfer you to the next desk." ... "Hello, welcome to the United States Government, my name is Cindy how can I help you? ... Let me see if I can find that for you. Nope, none of my records here show that. Let me transfer you to the next desk."...

Best of M
As Vanda, sat in the back row of the call center, she waited….she watched…….and she thought to her self “some day I will move all of this to my lair in Bangalore, and then the world will bow to me!”

Best of Submariner
Phil sometimes had trouble finding a place for new arrivals in Heck.

Best of Silhouette
Even the Death Star had an HR department.

Best of Silhouette
Monday mornings were always slow for everyone at 1-900-XXX-babes, except for Gary.

Best of Chrees
The only reason disco, Jimmy Carter, and Dallas actually appealed to anyone.

Best of curly
Work halted at the Department Of Hope and Change after Obama through all of the computers under the bus.

Best of curly
“Department of Redundancy Department tech support, can I help you, assist you, facilitate you, attend to your needs, advise you, provide counsel, guide you, mentor you, rescue you, or otherwise save, embolden, encourage, hearten, benefit, favor, profit, or serve you?”

Best of attmay
Since no one wants another live action Garfield movie, how about a live action Dilbert instead? Anyone? Anyone?

Best of Jack Reacher
Just then Marsha--3rd from the end, left row--hit upon a brilliant, simple, perfect plan for world peace. Unfortunately, before she could tell anyone, the earth was destroyed to make way for an interstellar hyperspace bypass.

Best of Two Dogs
After a long hard day at work, the cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show relaxed in unusual ways.

Best of R. Bateman
And this, Mr. Anderson is where we process your memories, each day dialing into your soul and controlling your every thought and action within the matrix. Hehe...just kidding. Welcome to Mastercard.

41 comments:

Double the U said...

"Hello, welcome to the United States Government, my name is Michael how can I help you? ... Let me see if I can find that for you. Nope, none of my records here show that. Let me transfer you to the next desk." ... "Hello, welcome to the United States Government, my name is Cindy how can I help you? ... Let me see if I can find that for you. Nope, none of my records here show that. Let me transfer you to the next desk."...

M said...

As Vanda, sat in the back row of the call center, she waited….she watched…….and she thought to her self “some day I will move all of this to my lair in Bangalore, and then the world will bow to me!”

Submariner said...

ORA:

Phil sometimes had trouble finding a place for new arrivals in Heck.

Submariner said...

V.- making fun of my prom dates is one thing, but taking surveillance photos in my work place? How could you?

Submariner said...

So, Mom, how WOULD you apply your makeup for a place like this?

Submariner said...

ORA:

psst; "What does a yellow light mean?"
Slow down.
"What - does - a - yellow - light - mean?"

Submariner said...

Have you seen my stapler?

Submariner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Submariner said...

Given a thousand typewriters and enough time, a thousand monkeys will eventually produce "Gone With The Wind." This group, however, cannot manage to balance a checkbook.

Submariner said...

V. the K.'s crack staff applies an advanced algorythm to select this week's "Best Of's."

For the uninitiated, that would be the lady in the far corner, wearing a Bozo suit and playing "Quarters."

V the K said...

Subby is on to me.

Silhouette said...

My only question is, why did the photographer waste the extra money for color film?

Silhouette said...

Even the Death Star had an HR department.

Silhouette said...

Underground at DNC headquarters:

"Hello. I'm conducting an impartial poll. Does the fact that the Republicans are going to steal your social security check and outlaw Matlock reruns change your mind about who you are voting for this fall?"

Silhouette said...

Monday mornings were always slow for everyone at 1-900-XXX-babes, except for Gary.

Army of Mom said...

Ok, so how are you supposed to accidentally send nasty comments about your colleagues to them without some antiquated VDT messaging system?

Not that it ever happened to me, but speaking in generalities.

Army of Mom said...

This explains why the Department of Homeland Security never returns my calls.

Army of Mom said...

No one can accuse me of playing Solitaire at work all day.

Wha? These? Uh, they're real playing cards, but I'm not playing Solitaire or anything.

Army of Mom said...

The real reason getting a driver's license takes so long.

Chrees said...

The only reason disco, Jimmy Carter, and Dallas actually appealed to anyone.

Targetpractice said...

"And next on our tour of the Republican National Committee's headquarters, we present our department dedicated to coming up with ways to convince our voters that voting for John McCain is not 'taking a bite out of a shit sandwich.'"

Targetpractice said...

Guy on phone: "There's nothing to worry about, President Carter. In 30 years, nobody's even going to remember things like the Misery Index, the Iranian Revolution, or the fact that put a stake through the heart of America's nuclear power sector."

curly said...

Work halted at the Department Of Hope and Change after Obama through all of the computers under the bus.

curly said...

“Department of Redundancy Department tech support, can I help you, assist you, facilitate you, attend to your needs, advise you, provide counsel, guide you, mentor you, rescue you, or otherwise save, embolden, encourage, hearten, benefit, favor, profit, or serve you?”

mpur said...

After Obama is elected, all conservative bloggers will be forced to attend re-education camps.

attmay said...

Since no one wants another live action Garfield movie, how about a live action Dilbert instead? Anyone? Anyone?

attmay said...

Thought bubble: "God, why isn't there a device that can transmit information around the world in a matter of seconds? I'd gladly trade my new, thousand dolllar Betamax machine I purchased to time-shift Chico and the Man for such an invention."

Jack Reacher said...

While the space shuttle sends people aloft in 35 year-old technology, at least NASA's R&D department has kept up with the times.

Jack Reacher said...

Just then Marsha--3rd from the end, left row--hit upon a brilliant, simple, perfect plan for world peace. Unfortunately, before she could tell anyone, the earth was destroyed to make way for an interstellar hyperspace bypass.

Two Dogs said...

Curly stole my "Department of Redundancy Department" quote.

Dang. But.....

After a long hard day at work, the cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show relaxed in unusual ways.

prince of leaves said...

"Thank you for calling United Airlines customer service. Due to the increasing costs of fuel, this call will now be charged to your credit card at $5 per minute. Please have your ticket number or confirmation code ready, so that we may blow off your travel problem more efficiently."

prince of leaves said...

Woman on left: "Um, no, sir, I'm *not* one of those special little girls with a penis...please don't call here again."

Ricky Raccoon said...

“Honey? Can you bring me my chapstick? My lips hurt real bad!”

Ricky Raccoon said...

“It has a cool retro look and feel,” says IBM aPhone beta tester Pat Head. “But I’m not sure what the numbers inside the round thing do. I’ll figure it out.”

Submariner said...

Prince of Leaves said...
"Thank you for calling United Airlines customer service..."


Obviously you've also enjoyed the benefits(?) of "Flying the Friendly Skies." If I see "United" and "O'Hare" on the same itiinerary, I shudder and prepare for the worst, and that's the ONLY expectation they've always met.

Submariner said...

"Ooooh baby, yeah! Whip me just like that!"
"C'mon sugar, you've been a bad boy - admit it!"
"Just give me your VISA number and tell me you like it."
Sometimes it was easy to tell when the 1 (900)SPANK ME operators were at the end of their shift...

Submariner said...

"1 (900) SPANK ME - I'll tell YOU what your pleasure is... Oh, Hi Curly. The usual?"

Submariner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Submariner said...

"Good morning. Sorry Mrs. Clinton, but this is the Psychic Hotline. You have the wrong number; try 1 (900) HAS-BEEN. Since you called us, though, how about a freeby? 2012 ain't looking good either..."

curly said...

Subby said: “1 (900) SPANK ME - I'll tell YOU what your pleasure is... Oh, Hi Curly. The usual?"

Curly says: “I’ve been a very, very bad boy, in need of really harsh, excruciatingly painful punishment. Read some of subby’s caps to me.”

R. Bateman said...

And this, Mr. Anderson is where we process your memories, each day dialing into your soul and controlling your every thought and action within the matrix. Hehe...just kidding. Welcome to Mater card.