Friday, May 30, 2008

You Didn't Thneed to See This



1. Attack of the Mutant Spiders that Knit Your Face to Your Laptop, another craptacular Sci-Fi original movie.

2. Americans come up with ever more creative ways to isolate themselves from the reality that either John McCain or Barack Obama will be the next president.

3. A San Francisco resident has found the means to maximize her enjoyment of the smell of her own farts.

4. 8:47 PM, August 12, 2012... the Trapper Keeper Ultra Keeper Futura S 2000 becomes self-aware.

5. Wouldn't it be easier to just look at pr0n in the privacy of your own bedroom?

Best of Rodney Dill
The Venetian Geek Trap would fool its victims by appearing as common clothing before engulfing them whole.

Best of Steve O
Although Sock-Head Girl's powers weren't well understood, she was always taken on missions where the heroes might get their feet wet.

Best of Submariner
The male version also encapsulates the hips and has slightly different positioning for the hand holes...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"This virtual-meeting of the Xenophobe Society is called to order."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Unable to pull Sarah from her marathon World of Warcraft session, Grandma simply decides to "knit around" her.

Best of curly
"I wish I could knit chew": when your knitting fetish becomes a literal hunger for the yarny stuff.

Best of curly
Back from a two week internet free vacation, Curly's daughter tries to remember how to type into her laptop.

Best of curly
Extreme foreskin envy – next on Oprah!

Best of Gagdad Bob
For liberals who don't have time to bury their heads in the sand, you can now practice auto-deception in the privacy of your own home by pulling the wool over your own eyes!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I don't want you a-holes to steal my best captions."

Best of Dwight Wannabe
The Isla Fischer signature sweater-bong gives Tommy Chong's Peruvian One-hit skullsmoker a serious run for its money.

Best of mpur
ET emails home.

Best of attmay
Once Rachael Ray realized that the Kaffiyeh was a symbol of Palestinian terrorism, she tried something else. Then she decided to just stop accessorizing altogether.

Best of mega
"Don't be too approachable," the dating guide said. Karen took the advice to heart, and on Day 35 was seen here still waiting for Mr Right to show up.

51 comments:

Rodney Dill said...

The Venetian Geek Trap would fool its victims by appearing as common clothing before engulfing them whole.

Steve O said...

Although Sock-Head Girl's powers weren't well understood, she was always taken on missions where the heroes might get their feet wet.

Submariner said...

Tinactin is evaluating for possible tie-in marketing.

Submariner said...

I've heard of one-bagger and two-bagger and even coyote ugly before; but giant sock ugly?

Submariner said...

The male version also encapsulates the hips and has slightly different positioning for the hand holes...

Son Of The Godfather said...

"I don't want you a-holes to steal my best captions."

V word: norum... On a Friday?!?

Son Of The Godfather said...

Subby just pinged me over here... said something about a pic of a girl in a tight sweater?...

Son Of The Godfather said...

Safe Cyber-sex

Son Of The Godfather said...

"I don't get this website at all... WTF is an "ORA", why is everyone "open" to Kobe, why do so many people have prom dates, and who the hell is "Dawn"?!?"...

Son Of The Godfather said...

"This virtual-meeting of the Xenophobe Society is called to order."

Son Of The Godfather said...

Some of the mutants developed... "less imaginative" powers... Such as the ability to mimic an ostrich.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Old-School Winsock

Son Of The Godfather said...

Unable to pull Sarah from her marathon World of Warcraft session, Grandma simply decides to "knit around" her.

curly said...

Afraid of pop up porno ads, Cindy’s Mom went to extreme measures to insure her daughter’s computer time remained innocent.

Hey SOTG!

curly said...

"I wish I could knit chew": when your knitting fetish becomes a literal hunger for the yarny stuff.

curly said...

Nothing’s quite as ‘clinging’ as Rosie O’Dumbell’s knitted douche bag.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Maria creates her own near-death-experience: "There's a tunnel!... There's a light at the end!... I can see... I can see... Drudge!"

Howdy Curly!

curly said...

Back from a two week internet free vacation, Curly's daughter tries to remember how to type into her laptop.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"We had to. She kept scratching."

curly said...

“Suffocating. Clumsy. Dark. Unwieldy” – Wow, the truth in advertising rules have certainly taken most of the pizzazz out of the Microsoft Vista commercials.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Hey, look!... We found someone who actually voted for Walter Mondale!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

Ever since her mom's "revelation" about Iranians helping out in the surge, Mindy Pelosi attempted to keep a low profile.

curly said...

Extreme foreskin envy – next on Oprah!

Son Of The Godfather said...

"That won't help you, Karen... God can see you downloading the Dixie Chicks on bittorrent."

curly said...

Cindy dons her disguise before posting her caps as “Anonymous”.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"I googled "black holes", and everything started to get pulled into the monitor."

curly said...

“No sweety. A burka’s supposed to hide everything except for your face – not the other way around.”

Son Of The Godfather said...

Ctrl-Alt-Machine Wash Only

curly said...

January 2009: Upon seeing the latest Abu Ghraib pictures of the Obama presidency, Americans became whimsical for the ‘good old days’ of the Bush/Cheney regime.

curly said...

After wearing an oversized smelly sock on her head for a week, Cindy finally saw the light and was ready to vote for Obama.

Son Of The Godfather said...

IM TEXT:

SARAH SAYS> HELP ME, I'M STUCK IN MY CARDIGAN!

ALICE IS TYPING...
ALICE SAYS> IS THAT IN FRANCE?

SARAH SAYS> NO, IDIOT, I AM TRAPPED IN MY SWEATER!!

ALICE IS TYPING...
ALICE SAYS> MAYBE YOU SHOULD CUT BACK ON THE SARAH LEE SNACKCAKES?

SARAH SAYS> HELP ME!

ALICE IS TYPING...
ALICE SAYS> O.K., BUT NOT BEFORE I POST YOUR PIC ON CAP THIS!

SARAH SAYS> I HATE YOU.

ALICE IS TYPING...
ALICE SAYS> AS MUCH AS TURTLENECKS? LOL THOSE ARE SOME WICKED-MAD L33T HACK3R SKILZ U HAVE!

SARAH SAYS> F.U.

ALICE HAS LOGGED OFF.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Once Dell recalled laptop batteries for exploding, there were a few unsuccessful suicide attempts.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Beta tester for the Ron Popeil Portable Pantyshield Changing Room. Suggested retail price only $39.95 plus s/h. Get two for only $80 plus s/h by recommending our products to a friend. Limited time offer... Call now!

Son Of The Godfather said...

Things that can hamper your bandwidth:

1. High volume transfers
2. Line interference
3. Lint

Son Of The Godfather said...

I was hoping the virtual-reality interface would be less obtrusive.

Gagdad Bob said...

For liberals who don't have time to bury their heads in the sand, you can now practice auto-deception in the privacy of your own home by pulling the wool over your own eyes!

Submariner said...

Son Of The Godfather said...
"I don't want you a-holes to steal my best captions."


And which ones would those have been, amigo?

mklasing said...

With Congress all over waterboarding, the military has resorted to forced watching of episodes of "Caveman" off of ITunes.

Dwight Wannabe said...

The Isla Fischer signature sweater-bong gives Tommy Chong's Peruvian One-hit skullsmoker a serious run for its money.

mpur said...

ET emails home.

attmay said...

Once Rachael Ray realized that the Kaffiyeh was a symbol of Palestinian terrorism, she tried something else. Then she decided to just stop accessorizing altogether.

Mr. Right said...

...But by the time Big Bird got back with Susan and Bob, Snuffy had already left and Big Bird had to try and explain to them all about his mysterious "friend" yet again.

mega said...

Forced to abandon cold temperatures, waterboarding, sleep deprivation and other better-known forms of "torture", the CIA quietly began testing the dreaded "reverse sweater over the head" technique. Most Islamists felt pure fear at the very mention of it, though, in truth, it left no physical damage and was actually quite cozy in the winter.

mega said...

"Don't be too approachable," the dating guide said. Karen took the advice to heart, and on Day 35 was seen here still waiting for Mr Right to show up.

mega said...

Karen felt like a fool for ordering the new Bose Ultra-Huge Bass-Resonant Home Theater System for $3,500 over the Internet, with its 1.25 inch "subwoofer" on a cheesy stand, and, realizing that she was just another victim of clever marketing, covered her face in shame.

mega said...

Stuck in her sweater, with An Inconvenient Truth set on infinite repeat on the DVD player, she waited desperately on Day 4 for help. But New York is a tough town, and no one bothered to help, or even noticed.

Rev. Right said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. Right said...

mega said...

"Don't be too approachable," the dating guide said. Karen took the advice to heart, and on Day 35 was seen here still waiting for Mr Right to show up.


Will somebody please tell her I'm not coming!

Seoulman (R) said...

Knit on my face and tell me that you love me, I'll knit on your face and tell you I love you too

Seoulman (R) said...

Well at least no one will notice the zit on my nose

Seoulman (R) said...

Orco attempted to suck face with She-ra with mixed results