Monday, January 28, 2008

What Happens When You Swallow Gum

Dwight


1. By Obama's second term, "Fart-Catchers" were mandated as an anti-global warming measure.

2. The Oscars salute the San Fernando Valley's pr0n industry. At the end, the dancers form into a giant pearl necklace.

3. There's at least three people in this picture who are used to having balls pressed against their buttcracks.

4. The Richard Simmons "Big White Balls Workout" was inspired by a chance encounter with Larry Craig.

5. "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." The subsequent carnage was unbelievable.

Best of Jack Reacher
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "Number Six, now's your chance! Get out while we're holding them back!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Would people wear pearls if they knew about the Lilipution sweat shops that polish them?

Best of prince of leaves
Bill Clinton would later show up at the studio in another distasteful effort to court the wasp vote.

Best of prince of leaves
"À l'enfer avec vous, José Bové!!" Fed up with the suppression of genetically engineered species, humoysters rally to demand recognition as full French citizens.

Best of Submariner
This is pretty much the only move on the French special forces workout video...

Best of sonicfrog
♫ Well I'm upper upper class high society
God's gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
The social pages say I've got
The biggest balls of all


17 comments:

Jack Reacher said...

Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

duke of red said...

Cool! Honey Aunts!

Uchuck the Tuchuck said...

For some reason "Baboonbuttaerobics" never caught on.

Son Of The Godfather said...

ORA:
"Number Six, now's your chance! Get out while we're holding them back!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

Would people wear pearls if they knew about the Lilipution sweat shops that polish them?

prince of leaves said...

Bill Clinton would later show up at the studio in another distasteful effort to court the wasp vote.

prince of leaves said...

"À l'enfer avec vous, José Bové!!" Fed up with the suppression of genetically engineered species, humoysters rally to demand recognition as full French citizens.

Submariner said...

This is pretty much the only move on the French special forces workout video...

Rodney Dill said...

(SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!)
"These balls are Kevlar, Donald. That is not a leak."

Rodney Dill said...

Man SOTG, I was tryin' to think of a Prisoner> reference -- good one.

I think number 2 is holding 'em back.

Rodney Dill said...

The Imodium Pew-36 explosive space modulators that Darth Vader was in search of were well hidden indeed.

Rodney Dill said...

For some reason "Baboonbuttaerobics" never caught on.


...and yet I seem to come across so many practitioners.

Rodney Dill said...

Combustible Huxtable soon lived up to his nickname.

Dwight's Writing Manifesto said...

Another version of 'roid rage.

Anonymous said...

I Got What America Needs Right Here
By Jimmy Carter
January 9, 2008 |
The Onion Issue 44•02
Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in '08? Fat fucking chance.
Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.
See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.
You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin' election. So you can just bite my cock. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.
You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.
But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.
Cocksuckers.
Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.
Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.
You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.
Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.
So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll do it. I'd be honored to do it—with my fucking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.
You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.

sonicfrog said...

♫ Well I'm upper upper class high society
God's gift to ballroom notoriety
And I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
The social pages say I've got
The biggest balls of all

I've got big balls
I've got big balls
They're such big balls
And they're dirty big balls
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)

And my balls are always bouncing
My ballroom always full
And everybody cums and cums again
If your name is on the guest list
No one can take you higher
Everybody says I've got
Great balls of fire

I've got big balls
Oh I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)

Some balls are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure
They're the balls that I like best
My balls are always bouncing
To the left and to the right
It's my belief that my big balls
Should be held every night

We've got big balls
We've got big balls
We've got big balls
Dirty big balls
He's got big balls
She's got big balls
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)

(We've got big balls)
(We've got big balls)

And I'm just itching to tell you about them
Oh we had such wonderful fun
Seafood cocktail, crabs, crayfish
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all) ♫

PS. How can I be the first to post this??? You guys are slackin"!!!

Anonymous said...

This is what happens when you use Krazy Glue to hold your diaphragm in place and then queef.