I CAN HAS EYE BLEECH?

wacha

1. (Sigh) "Yeah honey, I guess you're okay at 'shrimping' but John Edwards was good!"

2. "Hey, Cut it out! I ordered a 'David Vitter', not a 'Dick Morris.'"

3. NOM! NOM! NOM!

4. "Think those UN peacekeepers will notice we stole their blanket? Or are they too busy raping twelve year olds to notice?"

5. "Stupid blond zombie, that's not where my brains are."

Best of duke of red
"I CAN HAZ TOE JAMM?" "Depends on if I can haz puss..er, kitteh."

Best of Jack Reacher
Former U.S. attorneys, fired by the Bush administration, practice their interviewing skills.

Best of divine miss m
Eeeeww, look what you stepped in!

Best of Double the U
Paris Hilton takes up palm reading.

Best of Submariner
Don't toes me, bro'

Best of Submariner
Yep, you definitely have herpes of the phalanges. What a coincidence - I have athlete's vagina!

Best of curly
The government of France has worked diligently at equating “defeat” with “sexy”.

2,000

This is apparently the 2,000th Cap This post. At an average of five caps per post, that's 10,000 captions (and about 30 funny ones). Is that a record? Alert Guinness.



1. Mike Huckabee's new ad features "a family of typical Romney supporters."

2. "Our family name used to be Kucinich, but the kids were getting picked on too much."

3. After Al Gore's Nobel Prize went totally to his head, he changed his name and began flaunting his tolerance for diversity.

4. Seeing how he treated the losers, ABC immediately regretted letting Fred Phelps host Family Feud.

5. "Dad, exactly how does this result in 'showing that Ann Coulter b!tch to keep her right-wing mouth shut?'"

Best of Jack Reacher
Those wishing to speak at the DNC convention sent their applications and photos in early.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh... That's pronounced FAY-JOE..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Pictured above: Proud parents Ray-Jing and Ima with their son, Wilby A., and daughter, Notta.

Best of Passionate Conservative
Much like the Flintstones, the Faggot family will have a "gay old time..."

Best of Whacko
"I know it must be confusing with our lifestyle and all. The first question we almost always get is 'how do manage to reproduce?'"

Best of curly
Thank goodness the site is P2K (post 2000) compliant, but what am I supposed to do with all of the dried food and guns that I bought in anticipation of the worst?

Best of evariste
"The English branch of the Huckabee family was even equally as ugly"

Best of Mr. Right
♪ Faggots. Meet the Faggots.
They're the modern New Age family.
From the town of Frisco,
They're a scene right out of La Cage III.
Each day, their young son gets in a fight,
Andrew Sullivan keeps calling Dad all day and night.
When you're with the Faggots,
Have a Folsom Street Fair freak time,
A wide stance leak time,
You'll have a "gay" old time! ♪

Best of Submariner
"Well in MY family, 'Papa spank' has a totally different meaning..."

Best of GregMan
Not to be outdone by Speaker Pelosi, Barney Franks trots out his own version of an exploited family to try and get sex-change operations added to the next Democrat health-care bill.

# "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

John Schneider

1. As closing time at the Cantina drew close, anything with two or more legs started to look good.

2. "Actually, Joyce Carol Oates, the emperor is not threatened by your writing, he just finds it boring and pretentious. That's why you're being fed to the Sarlacc."

3. "So, do you like girls, or are you some kind of Sith-y boi?"

4. "Hillary showing up on a Thursday was a complete accident. Don't get your hopes up."

5. "You came in that thing, you're braver than I thought"

Best of Jack Reacher
Air America's last three listeners found it easy to meet face to face, as they lived within blocks of each other in Berkeley.

Best of curly
It’s either her or ‘hand solo’ back at the hotel room.

Best of Double the U
This is not the girl you are looking for...
... you got that right.

Best of Rodney Dill
The orignal casting called for a role of Jabba the Grut... changed at a later date to Hut.

Best of Cybrludite
Sarah discovered as one of the few girls at a sci-fi convention that the odds were good, even if the goods were a bit odd.

Best of Silhouette
Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!

Best of Silhouette
Pull out Wedge, you're not doing any good back there.

Best of Tremor
Look at the size of that thing!!!

Best of Rodney Dill
OK, I give up, which one is Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey?

Hello Nurse

Army of Mom


1. "Unh, huh, so you were so busy refinishing your bathroom you forgot it was Thursday and posted a pic of the Hilldawg? Well, perhaps a shot of sealing caulk in your heiney will remind you not to do that again."

2. Dear Lord, how much V1@gR@ does Bob Dole need to get it up these days?

3. Ann Coulter's health care proposal proved far more popular than Hillary's

4. "V1@gr@? No, just some fetal tissue to help Barbra Streisand cheat death for another week?"

5. "Heroin delivery for Mr. Lou Reed!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Senator Byrd, it's time for your daily stimulant dosage."

Best of Passionate Conservative
It took a long time to fill the syringe with John Kerry's Botox treatment, but it was time well spent.

Best of Submariner
That ain't a hypo mate. THIS is a hypo...

Best of Submariner
Sometimes, what happens at Avalon Manor, CAN'T stay at Avalon Manor.

Best of Submariner
There you go, Ms. Boxer. you're done with your Thursday morning botox shot. See you at 5 for the doubled, evening shot?

Best of Submariner
Senator Frank always found it embarassing when he showed up wearing the same outfit as someone else...

Best of Rodney Dill
Salman Rushdie is in trouble again after the publication of Satanic Nurses.

Best of curly
Two things necessary for Rosie O’Dumbell’s artificial insemination: a hot nurse and an industrial strength, contractor grade, mil spec turkey baster.

Best of prince of leaves
Oh, sure. They all have hotties like this on their advertising, but when you actually get to the clinic, it's always some 90-year-old crone who's REALLY giving the colonic power-washes.

Best of prince of leaves
Obligatory Sullivan Cap: "30-year-guaranteed paintable latex in white? After Labor Day? Are you mad?"

A Little Late, But Why Not

1. "... And it's... $150,000 from the Chung family. Thank you, Norman."

2. "Why, it's a book, How to Get Rid of a Pesky Negro, thank you, Senator Byrd, I can totally use this!"

3. Stupid Huckabee. If it weren't for his damned floating cross commercial, I could spend this holiday doing pudding shots with Huma and the rest of the lesbian coven.

4. "Thanks, Dawn, but I don't think it's in my size. Do you have a receipt so I can exchange it? You don't? Well, what's Old Navy's policy on gift returns?"

5. "It's a Streisand CD and a Breck Shampoo gift set. How the Hell did I get stuck with John Edwards as my secret Santa?"

Very Very Very Best of Van Helsing
"Now where did I put Higher Taxes? Oh, there it is, under Surrender to Al Qaeda."

Best of Jack Reacher
Stolen White House property; the gift that keeps on giving.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh look at the wonderful presents you've bought for yourselves and others."

Best of Rodney Dill
General Hsu's Chicken

Best of Submariner
...and for those of you that did not put a present for me on the pile? Just two words - "Vince Foster."

Best of Submariner
Thank you, Ellen. It's really a nice one; but what in the name of Gaia makes you think I NEED a strap-on?

Best of GregMan
"I MUST stop Christmas from coming, but how?"

Best of GregMan
"Ennui, when will you release your hold on me?"

Best of GregMan
"Darn it, I knew I shouldn't have drank the blood of that last virgin. I feel so full now."

Best of prince of leaves
"A ThighMaster and a mahogany humidor? Real funny, Bill, real funny..."

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh cool, just what I wanted: a copy of 'The Dangerous Book for Sociopathic Lesbian Megalomaniacs'!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"No Bill I don't want to open your d*ck in a box... (under breath) unless the box isn't physically attached to you."

Red-Faced

wacha

1. Even Hillary's designated Soviet flag-bearer, Communist Screech, is embarrased to show his face after the campaign's recent gaffes.

2. Dr. Whoopee delivers a dental dam to the O'Donnell residence.

3. The giant red flag at Hillary's inauguration should have been, um, a giant red flag.

4, Massachusetts new flag features in the left corner a hammer and sickle and two dudes a33-f**king.

5. And after saying the Pledge of Allegiance, the ACLU began their annual meeting.

Best of Shayne
In the Hillary administration, the usual call to arms and the raising of the Capitol flag will also include notice of Hillary's menstral cycle.

Best of Shayne
When Hillary is President, court-marshall punishment will include asphyxiation by Rosie O'Donnell's tampax pad.

Best of prince of leaves
Hillary's hypermenstrual stormtroopettes generated their own version of the Blood Flag during the feminazi putsch that concluded the 2008 election cycle.

Best of Jack Reacher
Senator Kerry always demanded that his arrival on the Senate floor be announced by a flag-bearer.

Best of curly
Being the smartest woman in the universe, it is always fascinating to capture just when and where President Hillary Rodham first conceived of her idea of putting all US males in red fabric burkas.

Best of curly
“Sure, my ideas may appear somewhat communistic,” quipped Dennis Kucinich, “unless you view them through the weave of red cloth.”

Best of jbinnout
I see Voldemort is now raising colors for Hillary. No question now who the the Dark Lord is.

Best of Passionate Conservative
...and suddenly, Rosie O'Donnell's panties were caught by the wind and landed on the corporal's face, forcing him to gag uncontrollably...

Best of prince of leaves
And then the wind shifts, suddenly revealing the mummified face of the undead flagbearer and signaling the surprise attack on the DMZ conference hall, in this horrifying scene from Disney's hit adventure film "Proletarians of North Korea: Dead Man's Army".

Best of Chrees
Christo finally had someone listen to his idea for military uniforms.

Best of Submariner
Hu would soon learn how dangerous it was to wave a red cloth in front of the Hildabeast.

Best of duke of red
Another Clinton donor successfully avoids being scrutinized by the media.

Best of Rodney Dill
The Carbonite guard keep in strict formation, but were not very flexible in their routine.

Merry Christmass

Sondra

Best of Paul
Mary Christmas. And Ginger Christmas, and Tiffany and Amber Christmas.

Best of racerboy and divine miss m
Due to a slight delivery error, Andrew Sullivan wonders what to do with Subby's Christmas wish while Subby tries to figure out what to do with a life-size, flashing neon-lit, black velvet painting of Freddie Mercury.

Best of Rodney Dill
Looks like Santa's comin' four times this year.

Best of Army of Mom
My husband was nestled all snug in his bed, while visions of hoochie mamas rolled around in his head.

Best of Army of Mom
Ho, ho, ho.... Ho?

Best of curly
The Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, the Ghost of Christmas Future, and Joanne.

Best of Steve O
And on the FOURTH day of Christmas...

Tensions Between the North Pole and the Empire Continue to Escalate

The Ghost of Tom Wopat

1. Apparently, they didn't fall for the "These are not the toys you're looking for" Mind Trick.

2. The next time Santa is running behind, he won't try to shoplift at the Mall of Coruscant.

3. Visits to Santa at the Mall of Coruscant can be an intimidating experience.

4. Lord Vader was "disappointed" not to get a Wii this Christmas.

5. The Mall of Coruscant does not look kindly on jolly old men practicing their 'wide stance' in the men's rooms.

Best of Tremor
In a further bastardized remake of the original Star Wars trilogy, Mr. Lucas changes the setting of the new secret rebel base from "Hoth," to "a Bismark North Dakota mall at Christmas."

Best of Tremor
"Imperial troops have entered the mall ... Imperial troops have entered the Mall..."

Best of sonicfrog
Pray you were good to the Empire this year...

Best of Submariner
So Coruscant figured, "If he can take care of the Martians, why not us?"

Best of Submariner
After Hillary found out Santa had put her on the "naughty" list, it appears she sent out her 'supporters' to bring him in for a little "re-education."

The Palestinian Party People Stage Another Photo Op

SondraK


1. Santa was such a badass drunk it took an army to get him to the tank.

2. "Yeah, so I mooned you, you fascist pig. What are you going to do about it? Crucify me?"

3. As the French soldiers wrestled him down, Santa was heard to say, "Henri, why won't you loose your grasp of me?"

4. "Red pleather pants after Labor Day? I don't think so." Under President Edwards, the Fashion Police received extensive new powers. "

5. "Let's start a mosh pit!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Send a Hellfire missile the wrong way, and you get 8 cooked reindeer and a sleigh-swarm.

Best of Silhouette
"Don't taze me, Ho Ho Ho."

Best of Submariner
Sorry kids, but rumor has it that he has tuberculosis and we aren't letting another one cross the border...

Scenes from a 'Brutal' Occupation

SondraK

1. "Now, everybody join in on the chorus...♪'That Girl Is Pretty Kinky/The Girl's a Super-Freak/I Really Like to Taste Her/Every Time We Meet'♪..."

2. ♪"It's rainin' Men! Hallelujah! It's rainin' men..."♪ Bruce really wanted that DADT discharge.

3. "Hey! Who ate all the cookies?"

4. "Thank you, thank you. Now, I'm going to play 'Hey, Jude' in a manner reminiscent of Genghis Khan."

5. ♪ Hey there Mr. Muslim, Merry F**king Christmas
Put down that book, The Koran, and hear some holiday wishes
In case you haven’t noticed it’s Jesus’ Birthday
So get off your heathen Muslim ass and f**king celebrate.♪

Best of Jack Reacher
"Tell us about Dearborn, GI. Is there really a halal party store on every corner?"

Best of prince of leaves
Hortensio attempts to woo the fair Bianca, in a disturbing Iraqi adaptation of Shakespeare's "The Honor Killing of the Shrew".

Best of Silhouette
AP Caption: Iraqi streets are still plagued by luting.

Best of Rodney Dill
"You dang kids didn't just eat my f**king pizza didya?"

Santa Claus Ain't Comin' to Town This Year

SondraK

1. Apparently, the Southern Baptist Convention was unpleased with Santa's boudoir photo.

2. MSNBC shows some really edgy Christmas Holiday Specials.

3. How Mormons celebrate Christmas according to Mike Huckabee.

4. The Seattle Airport finally finds a non-secular Christmas display they're comfortable with.

5. The penalty for 'homicide by reindeer' is pretty stiff in Alabama.

Best of Rodney Dill
Man, Hillary is one mean drunk.

Best of prince of leaves
"Uh, honey? I don't think this is what Pastor John meant by 'putting the Christ back in Christmas'..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'll shoot my eye out, eh, Santa? I'll shoot my eye out?" Ralphie was still ranting when the authorities arrived and, after a brief gun battle, was taken into custody.

Best of Robert
MTV features Madonna's latest Christmas video: I saw mommy flogging Santa Claus.

Best of sonicfrog
Mel Gibson was overheard blaming this on the Jews too...

Best of Shayne
Man, Jesus has really let himself go!

Best of curly
Union members Dasher and Dancer never forgave Santa for letting the scab Rudolf guide his sleigh, in violation of their contract.

Best of curly
Santa would live to regret his endorsement of Obama instead of Hillary.

Best of doc ock
Apparently Santa's should have thought twice before putting Crassus on the "naughty list"...

Best of doc ock
The Texas Castle law had an unexpected result...

Best of Submariner
Note to self; next year head SOUTH from Del Rio, not NORTH from San Carlos...

Life Imitates 'Cap This!'

Livonia man accused of trying to stop blacks from moving into neighborhood --- Headline, - Detroit News

Lead Coated Chinese Crap Distribution

Americana

1. "I didn't even know they made anatomically correct Michael Moore dolls."

2. "If I stuff this in my coat, maybe I'll get a nice strip search from that rough Sheriff's deputy."

3. "If I buy enough toys, will the clerk not notice the love oil and nipple clamps. Or, will it just make me look like even worse of a pervert?"

4. "And the children back at the coven will love these Saturnalia gifts. Of course, then, they'll be sacrificed to the Moon Goddess, but at least their final hours will be happy."

5. Arlene's thighs quivered at her memory of the Hickory Farms Sausage log assortment she got last Christmas.

Who Are We to Judge Other Cultures?

1. Cat Stevens new bride was later heard humming, "I'm bein' followed by a ped-ophile, ped-ophile..."

2. Though it took a lot of doin', eHarmony did eventually find John Mark Karr's soul-mate.

3. Elizabeth Smart just can't catch a break.

4. Desperate for attention, Britney Spears' youngest sister brings yet another scandal to the family.

5. "Well, now I know how many goats I'm worth," Aisha thought. "I guess that's something."

Best of duke of red
"Your hymen better be intact, is all I'm saying...."

Best of Jack Reacher
Today on Tehran's top-rated talk show, "Ask Dr. Jalil," we discuss trophy brides and the grade schools where you'll find them.

Best of Rodney Dill
I'm sorry that part didn't grow back from the bomb blast. I'll let the other 71 virgins know.

Best of Tim
the awkward moment when you want to tell them they don't look anything like their online picture, but don't want to be murdered.

Best of prince of leaves
"You will tell no one about this, you understand?" Ahmed grumbled. "It happens to all men sometimes."

Best of prince of leaves
"Well, I guess it was okay, for the first time. At least, until you got overwhelmed there and started shouting out your goat's name..."

Best of Double the U
Welcome to the Newlywed game, our first question goes to Ickbar and Slema who have been married two months, Slema Would you say your husband treats you, better, about the same, or worse than the goats?

No Caption, Just This

Martin G

Best of Tim
the state of Virgina prided itself on the taste of it's children.

Best of prince of leaves]
"Yes, Kids First," Cthulu mused as He dreamed. "Then the parents."

Best of curly
“Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He just never visits the homes of misspelling little retards, that’s all.”

Best of GregMan
License plate of the Virginia Hillary For President campaign chairperson's car.

Best of GregMan
What happens when you let someone with a cleft palate order your custim license plate.

Best of GregMan
"See, I told you, first Shrillary gets elected President, and now the Great Old Ones come back and the Earth is scoured!"

Best of Silhouette
Virginia is for lovers...OF DEATH!

Best of Submariner
I always wondered what the little, bloody, red, hand-prints symbolized...

Best of sonicfrog
First the kids... then the old people... then the cripples... MAN! This guy has to have over a thousand points!!!

Nuke 'em and introduce baseball then stuff like this happens...

Once Again, Swiping Sondra K's Threadline because it's better than what I could have come up with.

1. Actually, there's a very good explanation for this that involves losing a locker room bet and the multiple levels of meaning of the phrase 'Beat It!'

2. All that melanin Michael Jackson has had leached from his face over the years was bound to end up somewhere.

3. "Yeah, as if I'm the only baseball player in Japan who hangs around the bat-boys shower room waiting for the soap to drop."

4. In Japan, it is considered unlucky for any two people to look in the same direction in a group photograph. Oh, they also have a weird Michael Jackson black-face thing going on.

5. Lisa Lampanelli's gonna have a field day with this one.

Best of Jack Reacher
"And now, a tribute to the 80s, represented by the back row..."

Best of Capt. Queeg
Clear evidence that the Japanese Thought Bubble is about to burst.

Best of curly
As the batting coach, Senator Larry Craig made sure that they used the proper wide stance at the plate.

Best of Silhouette
Maybe it's me, but I hate the new Match Game panel.

Best of Rodney Dill
Hey, David Caruso's kid made the team.

Hailing Frequencies Open... in my pants

I swiped Ace's sub-threadline.Because I'm naughty!


1. "And when he was done, all he said was, 'You better get some ice on that.'"

2. "And that, Ensign, is why you never light a Vulcan's farts."

3. "Found yer cat."

4. "So, the game is, I put on the blind fold and I guess what Senator Clinton puts in my mouth?"

5. "You should wash now. My semen is highly acidic." The perils of getting a 'pearl necklace' from a Klingon.

Best of Jack Reacher
Fascinating, Captain. You must tell me more about these "roofies."

Best of Rodney Dill
Scotty lied sir, he really didn't need 30 minutes to get it up.

Best of Submariner
Bones my ass. "Brick" is not the ONLY kind of "layer" that you aren't.

Best of Submariner
Ricardo Montalban promised me some "soft Corinthian leather." Turned out to just be a romp in the back seat of a '74 Cordoba...

Best of curly
“Don’t phase me, bro!”

Best of ThatGayConservative
"That's the last time I volunteer to 'work on the captain's 'log''."

Best of Submariner
I really can't say what attacked me Captain; it was either a highly aroused cougar or Dick Cheney...

Ho

Van Helsing


1. After seeing how Hillary had raped and debauched the Ghost of Christmas Past, the other spirits decided 'Why bother?'

2. I'm getting mixed messages here. The stockings and cap say, "I'm a Merry Christmas elf." The belts say, "I'm a horny leather girl and I need to be whipped."

3. Bill Clinton's compulsion to open his gifts early collides head-on with Hillary's compulsion to re-gift.

4. "On the other hand, forget the Red Rider BB Gun. I'll put my eye out with those instead."

5. "And everyone on the naughty list will receive spankings..." Sondra K takes over Christmas.

Best of Jack Reacher
I'm gonna put up some more stockings; look what these got filled with!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I think I'll bend tradition a bit this year, and leave out some milk and rufies.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Naughty or nice?... That's freakin' entrapment, St.Nick!

Best of Jack Reacher
She'd make an excellent subordinate claus.

Best of attmay
Worst thing about this job: Getting hit on by reindeer (except Dancer and Prancer, natch).

Best of curly
Now that’s one elf that will always gets invites to Santa’s ‘reindeer games’.

Best of jbinnout
"Cane I flock your little Christmas tree?"

Best of sonicfrog
Oh Shit! Look at those socks! So THAT'S what the Wicked Witch Of The East looked like! Fricking Dorothy dropped her house on the wrong Witch!!!

Ripped from the Headlines: Fire in Dick Cheney's Office

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A fire broke out near Vice President Dick Cheney's ceremonial office in a building overlooking the White House on Wednesday, forcing hundreds of government staffers to evacuate


1. Shortly before the smoke began billowing out, witnesses heard the Vice President shouting, "Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftaghn!"

2. "OK, are those *all* the CIA interrogation tapes? Are you sure?"

3. Cokie Roberts, her hair mussed, make-up smeared, and missing her panties, hurries out the side exit before any firemen or reporters arrive.

4. "Crap! The smoke bombs weren't supposed to detonate until after the plane hit. You guys are the worst false-flag conspirators ever!"

5. "All right, who let Hillary touch a Bible?"
Best of Jack Reacher
I see the California delegation is back in town.

Best of The Man
The Ron Paul Blimp made one last flight today.

Best of curly
Jan. 2008: Fire breaks out at the ceremonial office of Vice President John Edwards, after he and President Rodham's ritual burning of the amerikkkan flag and the constitution gets out of hand.

Best of Submariner
It appears that Hillary was visiting and the Veep "inadvertently" left the drapes open at sunrise...

Best of Shayne
"Yep, Bill was here lighting up his farts again!"

Best of divine miss m
The heart condition prevents Dick Cheney from learning to do NASCAR victory doughnuts at the actual track.

Best of Silhouette
"...and years later in 2007, Willie Nelson again visited with a member of the executive branch."

Best of Submariner
In the Taratino remake of "Fun With Dick and Jane," Mr. Cheney burns Ms. Fonda at the stake for heresies against the U.S. of A.

Best of sonicfrog
Cheney: "Hey, I know, lets start a war with Iran".

Addleson: "Dude, you are SOOOOO stoneed"!

Can You Guys Take This One?

DaveP
(I'm just feeling a little sub-optimal this morning)

Best of ThatGayConservative
The ultimate demise of Thing.

Best of doc ock
The photographer of Hillary's Drudge photo met a not unexpected fate.

Best of Tim
Bobby the crocodile contemplated the sound of one hand clapping

Best of Son Of The Godfather
V should post the actual video of this... we need more alligator clips.

Best of Submariner
Reptile? check
Little girl? undetermined
V. you're still on that kick, eh?

Best of curly
“Hello, crocodile tech support?”

Best of curly
“Don't taste me, bro.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The inevitable conclusion to a scenario beginning with "Here, hold mah beer... Watch this!"

Best of evariste
I told him it wasn't the goddamn Space Pope, but the idiot tried to pet him anyway. An hour later, he walked out of Handcrafters, practically good as new.

Best of Friend of USA
Bob wins the bet, loses the hand.

Best of lawhawk
Trent Reznor's inspiration?

Best of Rodney Dill
Australian for 'Flesh Wound'

Best of Steve O
Famous last words: "Talk to the hand."

Best of Steve O
"C'mon!!! A croc can run at, what, 3 miles an hour?? What can go wrong?"

Best of Cybrludite
Last known picture of Sean Penn during his visit to post-Katrina New Orleans.

Best of duke of red
I HAD A HOOMAN BUT I EATED IT

Best of sonicfrog
Incidentally, after viewing the third sequel to "Lake Placid", he only gave it One-Thumbs-Up.

Best of evariste
Fred Thompson says, "Hell no, I'm not raising my hand."

Best of Submariner
and adding to the tragedy, Samantha had just gotten her nails done...

Funeral for a Pimp

SondraK
1. Obama's lead in the polls has totally gone to his head.

2. Obama unfortunately misinterpreted why the press had nicknamed him "Notorious B.O."

3. "Yeah, there's an undercover cop takin' a picture of me. There's always an undercover cop taking a picture of me."

4. "Hey, J-Lo, can you stash another AK in your snatch for a brother?"

5. "Would I like to be Ron Paul's running mate? Golly, yes!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Don't pay that dude any mind. He always follows me when I go into Livonia."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If oil were discovered in Detroit.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"No, what exactly DOES inconspicumous mean?"

Best of attmay
"Listen Pee-Wee, I can't be going over to your playhouse every time you want to watch cartoons. Wish for a damn HDTV."

Best of doc ock
Reverend Al's choice in a CPA explains much of his recent IRS troubles.

Best of curly
Clean but not very articulate, King Tyrone ran a tight ship down at the Avalon Manor.

Best of curly
“...and Happy Kwanzaa to you too, bitch!”

Best of sonicfrog
Hell Yeah I Did!!! I got the proof!!! Told tha bitch - I off that Burger King guy, I get ta keep his bling!!!!

Best of DJ
Hark! The Kwanzaa cell phone rings:
“Inventory my bling bling!”

Nanook of Tripoli

GregMan? Maybe

1. "Spare change? Spare Change? You got any spare change, man? Well, Allah bless you anyway. Spare Change?"

2. Gadafi's erotic obsession with Walter Matthau's Grumpy Old Men character eventually became all-consuming.

3. As this unretouched photo indicates, the last two weeks have been really tough on Hillary Clinton.

4. "Is this the place for the Edward James Olmos look-alike contest?"

5. "Thanks for letting me pitch my tent at the Versailles Palace, Mr. Sarkozy. Oh, by the way, you're gonna need more squirrels."

Very Best of attmay
Sherman Hemsley Ski Parka Collection: Available at not-so-fine department stores near you.

Best of GregMan
CapThis standard caption #45,723: "Ennui, when will you release your hold on me?"

Best of Two Dogs
Bert Convy attempted to change his appearance after the cancellation of "Password" and that little "looking like Khaddafi" thing.

Best of Jack Reacher
Depression Hurts, brought to you by the Ad Council.

Best of Jack Reacher
When Quinn the Eskimo finally did get here, nobody actually jumped for joy.

Best of Dave P
And the winner of 2007's Worst Hairpiece In The World Award goes to...!

Best of Rodney Dill
"I crap bigger'n Al Gore."

Best of Submariner
In spite of the heightened hype by Kommunist Katie, "The Life and Times of Grizzly Ghaddafi" failed to catch on, and CBS continued its downward ratings spiral.

The last time I saw anything that big on a stage, Princess Leia was standing next to it in a gold bikini

Van Helsing


1. "Compared to what my Gulfstream 450 spewed getting me here, the emissions from you pulling my finger are insignificant. Now, pull, science damn you!"

2. Al Gore's catty ridiculing of the Dutch Environment Minister's shirt inevitably led to a crying jag.

3. "And with the 'Ronco' home carbon credit machine, you sir, and you sir, and you ma'am, can be carbon neutral just like me. It hooks right up to your computer and shifts money directly from your bank account into mine."

4. "You! Gavin Newsome! Get up here and clean this microphone. Then, comfort the Dutch environment minister in your 'manly' arms."

5. With an ear-splitting screech, Al Gore singles out the one participant at the Global Warming Conference who was not yet absorbed into the hive mind.

Best of Submariner
I ask, nay... DEMAND a recount on the Kyoto Treaty vote!

Best of Submariner
Would someone PUH-LEASE! cover that corpse? OH! Sorry Ms Estridge. My bad...

Best of Robert
...shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head...

Best of Jack Reacher
Although he ran the auction himself, bidding was tepid for the remains of Algore's credibility.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Is that the desert tray?"

Best of Rodney Dill
I invented the fat naked Santa.

Best of Submariner
"...and I am like the little Dutch boy, sticking my finger in the dike of man's eco-war against Gaia. I need a better visual; c'mere, Ellen..."

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

From SondraK (Yes, I stole her threadline)


1. The Metrosexual Dutch Environment Minister collapsed into a crying jag after Imelda Marcos slapped him and stole his man-purse.

2. "This shirt is fabulous! I bought it from International Male! You're just jealous, you awful, awful man!"

3. The Dutch Environment Minister amuses himself by playing "peek-a-boo" with his bottle of Perrier.

4. "Leave Britney alone! She's a human!"

5. "Oh, Sweet Gaia, he really did put pee pee in my Coke."

6. Secretary General Ban ki-Moon followed up on the eye-poke with a pitch-perfect "woo-woo-wooo."

7. Oedipus Rex reacts to news that the woman he borrowed the shirt from is his own mother.

8. "I'm crying 'cuz you so ugly!"

9. "Stay away from my boogers!"

10. When the Dutch Environment Minister sobbed that failing to ratify Kyoto "felt worse than being donkey-punched by John Edwards," the other delegates wondered how exactly he knew that.

Super Best of curly
The Dutch obviously need to do more to reduce their greenhouse gay emissions.

Best of ThatGayConservative
John Santos could only shake his head and exclaim "What a faggot".

Best of Van Helsing
Yvo de Boer suddenly realizes that he's wearing his red pumps and orange frond-print miniskirt, neither of which go with his shirt.

Best of metalgarth
Even in his later years, Martin Prince never got over the way Nelson Muntz pushed him around

Best of Colonel Forbin
Meanwhile, at the Asian Summit, Bob thought he could fool everyone by covering his eyes, but they were onto him.

Best of attmay
"Nice shirt, Executive Secretary. Charles Nelson Reilly's estate sale, I presume?"

Best of Chrees
For the love of Gaia, won't someone save Ferris?

Best of J. Lichty
Oh, wait that's not a picture of George Voinivich.

Best of prince of leaves
Where will YOU be when your sense of shame over hypocritically pontificating at an obscenely un-green environmental summit kicks in?

Best of Army of Mom
*sobbing* I was in the People magazine 'what NOT to wear' section. How will I ever show my face at the Blue Oyster bar?

I love this game, but not as much as some others

Fred Miranda


1. "Interpretive Hockey" becomes an official sport in 2010. Here, the American team symbolically represents the blue states trying to force their perverted will on the Red States.

2. "Whoa, dude! It's called deodorant. It's not expensive."

3. "I take it you just found out it was me who put BenGay in your cup."

4. "Death from Above! Aieeeeeeee!"

5. "Dude! I'm trying to find my contact!"

Best of divine miss m
Someone's gotta put the "bone" in zamboni.

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and cough."

Best of Submariner
"How DARE you do Jolson!" Dawn's son (#19) was ALways incensed by displays of racial insensitivity.

Best of ThatGayConservative
ORA: "Boot to the head!"

Shop With a Cop Til You Drop

Americana


1. Congressman Barney Frank enlists the assistance of Massachusetts State Troopers in buying the silence of his "bimboys."

2. "So, are you one of those cops that's going to kill my mom and lose the body? Just askin'"

3. "You want Celine Dion? Good Lord, Son, Now I will have to kill you."

4. "You gonna bust me, Mr Wal-Mart Rent-a-Pig? Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, fat-ass!"

5. "I think it's funny how you old people still buy music on shiny discs."

Best of Paul
The Arkansas State Troopers had to babysit Tax Hike Mike's kids, too.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Jees Dad, don't buy anymore Clay Aiken when I'm withya, OK?"

Best of curly
"Wow! Hillary Clinton covers 'My Sharona', on sale!"

Best of Double the U
Okay kid, put this up your shirt and walk out with me.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Here it is; Cop Killer. It's the true voice of a generation, they say."

Best of Silhouette
"'Always low prices,' huh? I remember the days after Katrina. Now *those* were low prices."

Best of Two Dogs
Uh, Officer? The Sims are almost as gay as wearing short sleeves with a tie.

Best of Submariner
There's the soundtrack from "Phantom." On to Health and Beauty Aids to get some lotion for your skin...

Best of attmay
"I'm not paying 15 big ones to help subsidize Barry Manilow's plastic surgery addiction! Always low prices my butt!"

What Kind of Crazy Ass Dorian Gray Sh1t Is This?

SondraK

1. "Heck, if they could do Photoshop in real life, I might even want to do her."

2. Bill Clinton graphically illustrates the effects of beer goggles.

3. "Come on, y'all. The picture's still more realistic than her health care plan."

4. "Ain't that a great picture? Say what you will about John Edwards, but give him a hairbrush and some make-up and the man's a dang ol' miracle worker, I tell you what."

5. "No, it ain't Photoshop. Hillary always likes to 'whore it up' when she goes trolling for campaign dollars in Chinatown."

Best of Submariner
Stop me if you've heard this one; A lumberjack, a communist, and Hillary walk into the Blue Oyster...

Best of jbinnout
"...an then the last bit of advice Jesse gives me 'Bill, it'll all blow over if you just give Hillary a pearl necklace too.'"

Best of ThatGayConservative
"I call upon the ancient lords of the underworld to bring forth this beast and, Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken/Take the land that must be taken.
Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken/Devour worlds, smite, forsaken."

Best of Jack Reacher
Is this like that Apple commercial where a woman runs into the room and throws a hammer through the screen? Because she should.

Best of Submariner
Take my wife. PLLLLLLEEEEEEEASSSSSSSSSE!

Best of curly
"...and this is your brain on drugs."

Best of prince of leaves
Bill fronted the project to carve God-Empress Hillary's bust on Mount Rushmore, but only because she promised to rename Devil's Tower in his honor.

Best of Army of Dad
"Great question. Yes that is the only pearl necklace I have ever given her."

Best of ThatGayConservative
Trying to think of a Citizen Kane joke. Disappointed y'all haven't.

"I'll Take Visual Metaphors For Rosie O'Donnell's Sex Life for $400, Alex"

Sonic "The Hedge" Frog

1. Three straight days of Hillary pics were too much for some to bear.

2. "Because we were out of tissues, that's why."

3. Another former Hillary campaign staffer searches the world for his balls.

4. After catching Rosie O'Donnell nude and masturbating in her dressing room at The View, a badly traumatized Danny DeVito developed an unspeakable fetish.

5. Worst job as voted by Barack Obama campaign staffers: Having to find his stash after he panics and flushes it.

Dr. Phil visits Enumclaw.


Next week on Chase Devlin: Fish Dentist


The Wife will kill me if I don't find that wedding ring…


Shortly thereafter, Gallant never entered into a wager with Goofus again


Hillary's gynecologist preferred to practice before her appointments, but only recently was able to find something that could duplicate the experience exactly.


Obligatory Yakov Smirnoff Reference: "In Russia, sturgeon eat you!"


Marco...?


Moments later as the headless corpse floated away, Jaime looked at the camera and said "Definitely Busted - you can't train a fish."


Still looking for Laci Petersons Fetus.


Scene from my next movie: "THIS DOODS HEAD. IT HAS A FLAVUR II"

Bon Appetit

6 Degrees of Blondness


1. The White House, October 2009, "Happy Birthday... Madame President..."

2. "Goddess!" Hillary exclaimed. "If there's $100,000 in campaign contributions in her thong, I've hit the trifecta!"

3. "And I hope there is $100,000 in her thong, because I've always wanted to come into money," she went on.

4. Investors still doubted whether the merger of Victoria's Secret and Panda Express would achieve the synergy they were promised.

5. "I'll just have some cream for my coffee, thanks."

Best of attmay
Maxwell House of Ill-Repute

Best of Rodney Dill
I think I'll pass on the Pu Pu platter


Best of ThatGayConservative
Wait 'til you see the fortune cookie below.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
You don't want to know where she keeps the sushi.

Best of prince of leaves
With the beer tap in her belly-button and the humidor in the small of her back, the new Mitsubishi Heavy Industries "Kurayami 2900" Pleasurebot had everything a man could need.

Best of curly
Hill was hungry, horny, and really in need of removing the especially pesky hairs on her back.

Best of Submariner
Sully simply smiled and asked for a waiter to bring him a "Dragon Roll" instead...

Spectacular

Mayra Veronica


1. As they ran out of ideas about genetically reviving their species, the Asgard finally just started randomly beaming up hot chicks.

2. Just tell grandma you used her lace doilies to make a dress for a whore. She'll understand.

3. "Mary! I the Lord have chosen you to bear My Son... for what should be fairly obvious reasons."

4. "Walk into the light, Subby..." "Okeedokee."

5. "Well, if I were losing to some 'affirmative action lawn jockey' in Iowa, I'd have my aides start a rumor he had a drug problem. But, hey, what do I know? I'm just a whore."

Best of Army of Dad
I'ld like to buy a vowel. An O please.

Best of curly
Even 9 out of 10 Democrats agree: Dennis Kucinich’s undergarments look much better on Jill than they do on Dennis.

Best of The Man
Oh take me Alex Trabeck. What? You have tingling in your arms?

Best of Army of Mom
Silky Pony had to touch himself. Her.hair.so.incredibly.shiny.bouncy.manageable.It's enough to make him like women.

Best of divine miss m
"Let's go, guys; it's like me dad useta say: 'If you wait too long to crank the shaft, there may be no petrol left in the ol' Healy!'"

Best of Merovign
Care if she's a pirate? Frankly, I wouldn't even care if she was smelly!

Mangy in the Ganges

Brender

1. Rosie and Ellen wonder if they may have swum a little too far from shore.

2. "Oh, I was wondering why the hell you were yelling for 'Sue Nommi.'"

3. "Moses you ain't."

4. "'River Crab?' There's no such thing as a river crab. If you pinch my a$$ again I'll break your fingers, perv."

5. "Why does George Bush hate us?"

Best of divine miss m
"I like your sweater, Vijay. Does it come in a V-neck?"

Best of Frank_IBC
A blob of Immortal Nectar floated to the surface of the water. Vikram turned to Sanjiv and growled, "you farted, didn't you?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Your hand is warm."
"Um, actually, Sinjay, that's not my hand."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
It's true! If you go swimming too soon after eating you'll feel a little Sikh.

Best of Mr. Right
Damn it, Vijay! I told you we should never have gotten into a boat with Sean Penn!

Best of Mr. Right
"Keep searching, Sanjay, Mayor Nagin swears he parked those buses around here somewhere!"

Best of Silhouette
"MARCO!"

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Vijay...'untouchable' means there, too."

Best of Army of Mom
Look, a Baby Ruth floating by. Why shouldn't I eat it? It is a gift from the gods.

Best of Rodney Dill
Elbonian Tech Support

Best of Rodney Dill
"Vishnu"
"Gesundheit"

THIS DOODS HEAD IT HAS A FLAVUR

Brender

1. Ahmed's attempt to teach his camel to "give head" failed in the early stages.

2. With Day of the Zombie Camels, George Romero had really milked the franchise once too often.

3. "Get that disgusting, stinking, lice-ridden thing away from me," said the camel.

4. People magazine paid a pararazzo $40,000 for this photo of a lover's spat between Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker.

5. "I don't feel like humping, how 'bout some head?"

Best of sonicfrog
Joe Camel gets his revenge on those who destroyed his advertising career.

Best of Mr. Right
"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? {CRUNCH} The world may never know..."

Best of Jack Reacher
Ahmed, a local rich man, felt his chances of getting into heaven would improve if he first passed through a needle while inside a camel. Ahmed was slightly retarded.

Best of curly
Misunderstanding the prescription for dizziness, Ahkmed substitudes a dromedary for Dramamine.

Best of Whacko
Towards the end of the primary season, debates between Hillary and Obama became quite personal and sometimes violent.

Best of Rodney Dill
Oliver Willis was the one thing I wish my camel hadn't regurgitated.

Best of attmay
Of all the stereotypes of black people, none was more puzzling than the Middle East one which said they're made of candy.

Best of Colonel Forbin
A little more to the left... that's it... Oh yeah... perfect!

Best of Army of Mom
Egyptian circuses lacked that fear factor of Barnum & Bailey.

Best of Army of Mom
Paparrazi capture Camel-ia's romp with the Egyptian pool boy behind Charles' back.

Best of prince of leaves
Like so many other areas of "science," the Muslim world's contributions to phrenology were often overlooked.

I, for one, welcome our new Arachnid overlords

Best of The Man
Houston, we have a problem. It seems as our fuel lines are leaky and a piece of foam has fallen off the shuttle. Oh, and there's a big ass spider eating the flight engineer.

Best of divine miss m
Ten...nine...eight...oh, no, man, like, flashback city...which way to the bummer tent?!

Best of Mr. Right
Moments later, the booster rockets fired and the smear on the cockpit windshield was not to be believed!

Best of Rodney Dill
I suspect a plot to control the World Wide Web

Best of curly
Jan. 2008: The sign of the black widow spider will be projected onto the skyline whenever police commissioners need to contact President Hillary Clinton.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Great Maker...nooooo..."

Best of Rodney Dill
While Sauron had been defeated and perished, Shelob eventually went on to become an important part of the space program by securing loose pieces of foam on the space shuttle with her web.

Best of Jack Reacher
The image that could have launched a thousand Roger Corman films.

Best of GregMan
Trying hard to work "Sully" into a caption about a giant spider... oh frack it, I give up...

Bob Casey, the Early Years

High School Without the Musical


1. These "re-enacting your birth" things just never seem to work out.

2. Billy's creative approach to "Everyday Math" earns him two gold self-esteem stars.

3. Billy is one child who probably should have been left behind.

4. HALP ME JON KARY...

5. "Yeah, we usually get two or three of these after every Young Democrats meeting."

Best of Jack Reacher
A rare photo of a young John Edwards, after, in his own words, "I tried to check out my own ass."

Best of Silhouette
See, you are smarter than a fifth grader.

Best of curly
Always seeking attention, as an adult young Johnny would gravitate towards hook skirts and nipple pasteys.

Best of curly
“All I said was ‘the Teachers Union is run by a bunch of Marxist, anti-American, Hillary supporting, money grubbing crybabies’.”

Best of The Man
gifted my ass.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Dammit, this ain't woking! Let's watch that jihadi tape again and see where we goin' wrong."

Best of metalgarth
Now showing on the Fox network:
"The Wonder Years, starring Ralph Wiggum"

Best of divine miss m
As Johnny got older, he discovered most his stories sounded a whole lot better if he simply inserted the line "...And then we started drinking tequila."

Best of The Man
Seth, the chairman of the local Ron Paul 4 President committee.

Best of Double the U
You think the kid is stupid? The teachers are putting the chair on the kid for some sort of diversity training.

A Swap We Can Believe In

SondraK

1. "I don't care how magic you are, a skinny little halfrican like you ain't comin' between Oprah and a free buffet!"

2. After hearing Andrew Young say Bill Clinton had slept with more black women than he had, B.O. decides to double up.

3. Knowing the punishment "Little Mohammed" was in for, BO secretly dreaded "Obama Time."

4. "Check out the back row. Shirley MacLaine and Jerry Springer are cat-fighting over who gets to be Kucinich's 'Celebrity Beard.'"

5. "Say what you will about Hillary, the shine she put on Mrs. Obama's broach is amazing."

Best of The Man
To improve attendance at her events, Hillary started handing out 'Hillary's favorite things'. However no one wants used Q-tips and a unfaithful husband.

Best of Mr. Right
The Big "O" lends her support to The Big "0" (Zero).

Best of Rodney Dill
BO: '...and now I'd like to introduce my wife to the big O'
Mrs BO: 'Promises, promises...'

Best of Double the U
You're right Oprah white women are really dumb and gullable, you can sell them anything!

Best of prince of leaves
And then suddenly, the Wardrobe Malfunction nobody wanted to see...

Best of prince of leaves
With a quick flick of the wrist, Oprah flung the shuriken into Michelle's throat. "All mine, he's all mine now!"

Best of Jack Reacher
When her husband's hands lingered too long on another woman, Mrs. Obama warmed up her collar-mounted Taser.

Is it really cold in here or just in this one spot?

SondraK


1. Hill: "I loved you in that movie V for Vendetta. You'd be surprised how many shaved women I keep locked in my basement."

2. Natalie's nipples desperately press for escape.

3. The alternate ending of Tin Man was rejected when the wicked witch proved just too freakin' scary for test audiences.

4. Left: "I'm a PC." Right: "And I'm a Mac."

5. Roofies! The Freshmaker!

Besterest of Passionate Conservative
"You came in that? You're braver than I thought!

Best of lawhawk
As usual, Natalie's acting was wooden and stiff.

Best of curly
Hillary just loved the new FemBot2000 model intern, with deployed air bags, turn signal indicators, and AARP-approved knob adjusters.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Play your cards right, and in my administration you can have a shiny conference table of your own."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Just look at her beaming!... And I'm not referring to the Hildabeast.

Best of Rodney Dill
More bars in more places.

Best of Colonel Forbin
"OK, now everyone say nipples... I mean cheese!"

Best of metalgarth
yeah, yeah, reptile... slightly older girl... V the K, you need help.

Best of Uchuk the Tuchuck
Senator, do your eyes always look creepy and weird, or is it just when you're feeling up movie royalty?

Best of Frank_IBC
Hillary's attempt to woo Jewish voters backfired when she mistakenly pinned a mezzuzah to her jacket.

Best of prince of leaves
"Must...resist...too...famous..." Hillary tensed every muscle in her body to keep from sinking her teeth into Natalie's tender flesh and draining the youth-restoring lifeforce.

Best of GOP & College
That man on the left really ruins the picture.

Middle Aged Female Metric Football Hooligans

FredMiranda/Adam Woodyatt

1. "What the hell is wrong with you? You look like a gawdamm monkey trying to hump a cow-chip..."

2. "I said 'Can I have your phone number?'" Mary Kaye LeTourneau continues looking for love in all the wrong places.

3. "And the doctor says to smear it between your ass-cheeks until the rash clears up. Are you listening to me?" As an adult, Tommy would go on to kill and dismember 45 middle aged women before the Feds caught up with him.

4. Unfortunately, David Beckham could make no sense of the time-traveler's message. "What the hell is a 'Posh?' And what's a succubus?"

5. "Your father and I are getting a divorce!" (Tommy's mom had fifty bucks riding on the other team.)

Best of Whacko
"Tommy!! If you don't score this time down the field, I'll cut off your other arm, you pansy!"

Best of prince of leaves
Caught up in the flow of the match, Timmy was completely unaware that one of the other hypercompetitive parents had just blown out his mother's spine with an AR-15.

Best of Jack Reacher
While his mother shouted at him to keep his feet together, Larry Craig never could remember her tip, and his wide stance would haunt him all his life.

Best of curly
“Pretend the ball is one of your good-for-nothing father’s nuts and KICK! KICK! KICK!”

Best of Silhouette
"Hey batter, batter, batter. SWING, batter, batter, batter." - she didn't have a clue, but she tried.

Best of attmay
Linda got bounced from the field for trying to distract the other team's players with her rancid belches.

Best of The Man
The Pee-wee soccer game was postponed after the unfortunate Zombie attack.

Best of Army of Mom
It took hours in the cerebral palsy league for Billy to get the ball from one end of the pitch to the other.
Yeah, I know I'm going to hell. See you all there.

Best of Army of Mom
You're just like your dad: shooting before you reach the goal!

And the number one reason homophobia exists...

SondraK

1. "Dibs!" Sullivan and Frank called out in perfect unison.

2. "It's Christmas! Come over and give Uncle Barney a hug!"

3. Copying Mitt Romney's example, John Edwards makes a speech explaining why he accepted Liza Minelli as his Personal Saviour.

4. While singing "America the Beautiful" at the 2008 Democrat convention, Clay Aiken finally comes out of the closet.

5. Victoria has a few secrets nobody wants to know about.

LOLFAG version is here. (But only KisPers are going to get the ref).

Best of Jack Reacher
Sometimes, before you even spot the Kucinich bumper sticker on the Prius, you just know.

Best of metalgarth
"WORST. APPLICANT. EVER." was all the Blue Man Group had to say about this one.

Best of curly
Lenny was voted “Most Likely To Contract HIV” in high school.

Best of lawhawk
Elton John called. He wants his glasses back. And the g-string.

Best of Shayne
Al Gore, in the follow up film "More Inconvienient Truths" deals with his son's drug addiction and "alternative lifestyle."

Best of curly
♫ On the first day of Kucinichmas my true love gave to me,
A bizarre fag psycho banshee. ♪

Best of prince of leaves
"And here to open the Democratic National Convention with a singing of the Non-Nation-Specific International Anthem, is Frank N. Furter!"

Best of Submariner
Illustration courtesy of Massachusett's new NEA-approved Sex Ed Primer (forward by Gavin Newsom).

Best of Whacko
I was just about to embrace the gay transvestite lifestyle but now, I think not.

Best of Robert
Queerat, disowned son of Beldar and Prymaar Conehead, performs at a drag bar on Remulak.

Best of Adjustah
Will someone please tell Daniel Craig that we already know that he can act...

Best of attmay
The publisher made Dr. Seuss change the title of "One Fruit, Two Fruit, Red Fruit, Blue Fruit."

Best of Snarkyone
A bustier with shoulder length gloves? Is he mad?

Portrait of a Kucinich Voter

Zombeh

1. John Santos demands, and we oblige.

2. "The head gear both protects me from the Rovian mind control beams *and* allows me to communicate with the gray aliens from Gamalon VI. I picked it up at Dennis Kucinich's yard sale."

3. Well, if that's what you really want, tell all your lefty friends you've become an evangelical conservative.

4. Walkter Cronkite was tricked into believing the 'Ron Popeil Broadcast Hat' would get him back on the air.

5. The masochistic, dyslexic alcoholic is actually demanding his "Fresh AA Oaf Bruise."

Best of Submariner
Unsurprisingly, not one of Ralph's bulbs illuminated last year...

Best of Submariner
Man, Gerald McRaney has really let himself go!

Best of Van Helsing
Hey, shouldn't those be compact fluorescent bulbs?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Wait!... I'm having 5 simultaneous ideas!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Uncle Fester's idiot nephew tried to outdo the old man, but never did really shine.

Best of Mr. Right
A.B.U.S.E. --- Anal Bulb Using Sodomy Experts

Best of Shayne
Apparently, Kenneth found the frequency.

Best of attmay
Dork calling Orson,
Come in Orson.

Whores and Their Ikea Furniture

1. "So, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops-up."

2. Actually, the only way you can tell she's Santa Claus's daughter are the constant invitations for bad boys to sit on her lap.

3. SOTG's prom date frantically tucks, so as to save the "surprise" for later.

4. "This chair used to be white. My menstrual flow is unbelievable."

5. Shunned by society, Debra LaFave spends her days watching Star Wars Episode I and masturbating to the pod-racer sequence.

Northend of a Southbound Yacht

1. "One more word about CapeWinds and I'll, er uh, throw you whoahs right off my yacht."

2. Mitt Romney's wives eagerly await the response to his speech on Religion.

3. Dennis Conner's secret weapon, a crack team of babes trained to queef into the sails at crucial moments.

4. "On second thought, prom is pretty lame. Let's just hang out on this boat all day and bring sandwiches and beer to Subby and The Man while they fish."

5. After disposing of yet another body, the Hillary 08 interns spend the rest of the day working on their tans.

Best of Submariner
I love my Dentist's new "Did you remember to floss?" posters...

Best of Submariner
Why doesn't ABC change to this format for "The View?"

Best of Submariner
All John Edwards could think about was the wind and sun damage they were doing to their hair...

Best of The Man
Mr. Imus, thanks for inviting us on your boat for Kwanzaa?

Best of curly
John Edwards gets a glimpse at the one the Two Americas of which he is most disinterested and least knowledgeable.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The Vagina Trialogs

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I have a strange compulsion to take up the bongos.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"How about an Oreo for dessert, Mrs. Clinton?"

Best of andthenblammo!
"Geez, Bill, Hillary fell off the skis about a mile back; you kept revving the engines when we tried to tell you!"

Best of Army of Mom
Three is a magic number, yes it is. It's a magic number.

Best of prince of leaves
Following President Hillary's lead, Jayshree on the left stops being ashamed, and chooses instead to proudly flaunt her giant clenoris.

Best of prince of leaves
"Yes, of course there are three whores in the boat," Hillary said to Norman Hsu, "but that still doesn't explain why we're sinking."

Best of Steve O
It's an optical illusion. If you stare long enough, you'll eventually see part of a boat.

I CAN HAS REACHAROUND?

1. "No, I'm not feeling him up, I'm just slipping money in his back pocket to pay for 'security' while I bone my mistress."

2. "If I were an illegal immigrant, your manly arms would be the only sanctuary I would need."

3. "And now, our impression of Silky Pony and Barack Obama. Bernie, drop your pants and pretend you have pretty, pretty hair. "

4. "Who am I? Give up? Here's a hint. 'Yeah, I stole the Heart of Gold. Now, bring me some pan-galactic gargle blasters, you suicidal robot!'"

5. "So, are we in line for iPhones or Hannah Montana tickets?"

Best of The Man
We'll find those bastards that stole our hair if it's the last thing we do!

Best of Rodney Dill
Once upon a New York potty, as I squatted, deep in thought, but wary,
recalling many rank and scurilous volume of Hillary Clinton lore,
While I plotted, nearly laughing, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some foot gently tapping, a foot upon Rudy's stall floor.
"'Tis some prancer," I muttered, "tapping beside my stall room floor
Only this, and nothing more...
Let's pursue this... nevermore."

Best of prince of leaves
"So, Bernie, got any Italian in ya? Would you like some?"

Best of Army of Dad
I love you man.

Best of Adjustah
I M ON YR FACE STEALIN ALL YOUR HAIRZ

Here Cumz Teh Bride

Subby

1. Hillary's appetite for lace panties could best be described as insatiable.

2. One of Hillary's first executive orders established ius primae noctis* as a presidential prerogative.

3. The Access Panel on the Stepford bride was in an awkward-to-reach location.

4. "Wow! Yours really do smell like rose petals! Fart again!"

5. "I know Michael J Fox needs them, but is this really the best time to harvest my ovaries?"

Best of kg
Hillary touches a ... um ... a ... yeah, that's it.

Best of Jack Reacher
After the incident, Ellen DeGeneres was never again asked to be a bridesmaid.

Best of Submariner
Patiently, the groom waited his turn...

Best of Submariner
Well then, I think I've found your problem. Do you have a spare couple of D cells handy?

Best of GOP & College
How did you manage to fit 3 beer bottles and a fifth of gin up there?

Best of Whacko
Marla, the bridesmaid discovered, had an especially sensitive 'G' spot.

Best of Steve O
Rudy, getting some action on the down-low.

Best of Cybrludite
It's not my fault you waited to the last minute to have me wax that thing smooth. Now quit squirming!

Best of Double the U
Quickly, tuck it under, I want it to be a surprise on the wedding night.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Nope, the 'VOTE FOR PEDRO' lettering ain't Henna."

Best of CJ
TSA Inspections at the Detroit Airport become even more intrusive.

* Am I cunning linguist? Yes, I am.

Night of the Cross-Dressing Communists!

ABC News tipped by The Man (and covering Sondra K's diva butt)


1. Hilldog: "Ah, I see Barack is borrowing clothes from John Santos again."

2. B.O.: "And I believe in giving away drivers license to illegal immigrants 'cos none of them smell as bad as John Santos."

3. Hilldog:"We're going to take things away from you for the common good and John Santos farts in the bathtub and snorts the bubbles."

4. B.O.: "I intend to invade Pakistan, give up all of our nuclear weapons, and shave John Santos's butt and teach him to walk backwards.'"

5. Hilldog: "We've located an essay you wrote in kindergarten, in which you said, 'John Santos sucks wet farts out of dead pigeons.'"

Best of Rodney Dill
90% of democrat voters don't notice that these picture have been doctored

Best of GOP & College
Hillary's got the suit and the mullet. She's just a twig and berries away from being an "Arkansas Man."

Best of curly
Man, John Voight and Halle Berry have really let themselves go.

Hillary Touches a Little Girl

Hillary '08 Media Center


1. "Molest her? No, I was just going to take her back to my office and feed her bananas."

2. "That's right, hon'. Men pretty much are all evil, but if you hook yourself the right one you can get pretty far on him."

3. "Little Suzie wants to 'F*ck the Patriarchy!' when she grows up. Wellesley's gonna love her."

4. Suzie wasn't used to Democrat Senate aides taking her picture with her clothes still on.

5. Unfortunately for Hillary, Chris Hansen was waiting in her office.

Best of Army of Dad
Here we can see Hillary is sizing up this little girl for a future ventriloquist act...once she eats her heart there will be room for her hand!

Bestest of metalgarth
V the K, do you have a new obsession with reptiles touching little girls?

Best of Robert
Later, little Susie reported feeling cold and empty, as if all the happiness was gone from the world.

Best of Double the U
Well hurry up and get the last picture of your daughter in, it is off to the village for her.

Hillary Touches a Negro

Hillary '08 Media Center


1. "So, are you, like, magical or anything?"

2. "Look, Senator Byrd is from another time and place, and when asked what a 'healthy buck like that fetches these days,' I'm sure it was meant as a compliment."

3. Jena, Lousiana, December 2006: "Hey, I'll pay you and your homeboys fifty bucks each if you pwn that whiteboy who asked about the Rose Law Firm billing records."

4. Looking at Hillary's face, Jamal decided he'd settle for just the forty acres.

5. "Look at those shoes. The devil really does wear Prada.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Oh, you people aren't at all what I expected! Which one of you do I talk to about getting my luggage?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I was told you could procure a couple of those little baggies for me, and you KNOW what I'm talkin' bout."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Just one second... Huma? Hand sanitizer please."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I just love you on that 30 Rock program, Mr. Morgan."

Best of Capt. Queeg
Is that 'Merry Cooter Fondling Christmas' I see up in the banner? The years go by so fast...

Best of Capt. Queeg
A split secomd later, Jamal slumped to the floor as Hillary held aloft his still beating heart.

Best of Shayne
"You're going down, Barack! Oh, I'm sorry, I never could tell you people apart."

Best of Jonathan
"The sweeter the juice of what?" wondered Hilldawg.

Best of Submariner
"How much for your girl?"

Best of curly
"Introduce me to the sista behind you."

Best of Submariner
You will address me as "Empress" from your knees, and who the he!! told you it was acceptable to touch me?

Best of GregMan
All your votes are belong to us.

Best of dj
"The man's been keeping me down, too."