The Inscrutable Heathen Chinee

Brender
1. "I Must, I Must, I Must increase my bust..."

2. Even in China, you can always spot an affirmative action hire.

3. The New Gillette Mach 4K ... 4,000 blades for a shave so close, even a Chinese thug feels as smooth as Patrick Stewart's head.

4. "Don't you hate it when that happens?"

5. "O.K., give him the Klondike bar."

Best of prince of leaves
The workout demonstration for the new recruits was going well, until Sargeant Yee got his tongue caught in the knockoff Jack Lalane Power Excerciser and had to be airlifted to Hong Kong for reconstructive surgery.

Best of Shayne
Chinese orthodontic torture was never as popular as their water torture.

Best of Jack Reacher
Due to spiraling demand for their services, torturers were kept so busy in China that some dissidents were forced to torture themselves.

Best of Silhouette
But in Communist China, Bo Frex Yu.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
An instant after this photo was snapped, the left handle suffered a catastrophic structural failure. The ensuing backlash stuffed Wang entirely into his own scrotum.

Best of Adjustah
Yeah, I get it, his name is, "Ping". Now come over here and help me find his Adam's apple...

Sheniqua's Got a Gun, Too

Detroit News


1. "So, Dawn, who is this 'cracker' whose offensive stereotypes of African-American women have driven you to take up arms?"

2. "Ma'am... if you're determined to get those 'suckahs' at DSS to approve your food stamp application, you probably want to take the safety off."

3. "I agree, ma'am... far too many 'Livonia people' have been sneaking over into Inkster."

4. "Ma'am, trust me, Condi Rice is not the reason there aren't any good African men anymore."

5. "Yeah, I can't stand her sanctimony either. Tell you what, shoot her twice and tell her the second one was for her damned book club. "

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yes, the center ring in the target is black. No, I don't know why...IT JUST IS, OKAY?"

Best of Submariner
Waiting period? Since you've got adequate ID Mr. - ahhhh - Cheney?, that shouldn't be a problem...

Best of Double the U
Damn girl, that is some nappy nail polish you have goin' on there.

Best of attmay
"Um, shouldn't I ask for the money first, and then shoot?"

Best of dj
Which way to the liquor store?

Best of Rodney Dill
"your aim will be better if you OPEN your eyes."

Obama Day Dreamin'

Sondrak

1. "... Noam Chomsky as Secretary of Education, and Hugo Chavez as Secretary of State, that would pretty much be my dream cabinet."

2. ♪♪♪"I cook like Betty Crocker, And I look like Donna Reed
There's plastic on the furniture, To keep it neat and clean
In the Pine-Sol scented air, Somewhere that's green..."♪♪♪

3. "Actually, I began to suspect the questioner was a plant when she asked 'Why do you think Hillary will be a better president than you?'"

4. "And then I told Senator Byrd, 'It's okay, I'll just use a different drinking fountain from now on.'"

5. "Why Dawn, I do believe your milkshake is drawing me to the yard!"

Best of The Man
Another undecided voter poses a question for the CNN/You Tube debate.

Best of Rodney Dill
Mongo Like Condi

Best of Whacko
"What's so magic about me? Well for one thing I can fart 'We Shall Overcome.'"

Best of Submariner
John Edwards is GOOD!

Best of duke of red
".....do I have pants on?....soap....That's a funny word, soap...."

Best of duke of red
"Damm!t, Obama, stand your a$$ up!! We're saying the Pledge of Allegience!"

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Man, I must really be baked..Did he just say 'let's send a guy strapped with a bomb over to Hillary's campaign headquarters'?"

Subtle, With a Hint of Aureola

Army of Mom


1. Cousin Daisy moved to Arizona, where it was too damn hot for cut-offs.

2. Most of the time, in strip poker, the hat goes first.

3. Why is she signaling for a sacrifice bunt? Also, where are her clothes?

4. Hey, Macarena!

5. That Biblical instruction to clothe the naked may be just a mite over-rated.

Best of Steve O
Sure, my new girlfriend is a Cardinals fan, but I LIKE them a little dumb...

Best of Van Helsing
Sights like this in the stands would explain the Cardinals' performance. They certainly aren't paying attention to anything on the field.

Best of jbinnout
Uh-Ohhhh, just like the Cardinals, I peaked early.

Best of The Man
Drafting Matt Leinart was a good move for the Cardinals as Smelly Cardinal Hookers were hard to come by prior to his arrival.

Best of Jay Guevara
Uh, V, I believe that's the "squeeze" signal. The "double squeeze" symbol, to be precise.

Best of Double the U
Ahh yes, the old question, "boxers or breasts"

Best of Army of Mom
Coach Sally never had problems with the umpires. In fact, they sort of liked it when she got in their face and bumped chests.

Best of Army of Mom
Hey guys, what's one-handed boob grab sign? Ohhhh yeah, pass play to Jeremy Shockey (Get it? boob grab).

This Should Raise Some Flagpoles

Army of Mom


1. It gets better. They're jabbing the pointy end of the flagpole through Nancy Pelosi's heart.

2. So, would you rather see a rainbow flag hefted by Medea Benjamin, Cindy Sheehan, Randi Rhodes, Nancy Pelosi, and Patty Ireland? Didn't think so.

3. "O.K. Who brought the lighter?" And the other five babes immediately turned on and destroyed the Democrat infiltrator.

4. John McCain's new round of campaign ads almost made you forget about that whole Amnesty/ campaign finance reform / tax increase / media whore thing... almost.

5. Among aficionados of WWII themed pr0n, Skanks of Iwo Jima was not quite so well regarded as Whora Whora Whora.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I just iwojima'd all over my pants.

Best of Silhouette
Unlike the unpopular Susan B., the new design for the dollar coin was enthusiastically and immediately successful.

Best of The Man
Ron Paul finally found a military situation he wouldn't recommend pulling out of.

Best of sonicfrog
Icky! A roach! Kill It!!!

Best of Steve O
Republican women.

Best of Steve O
At first I was interested in the flagraising ceremony...then I was more interested... and then I was VERY VERY interested...

...and then suddenly I lost interest.

Annie's Got a Gun

Van Helsing

1. "Shrillary Rotten Clinton, you have been judged and found guilty of high crimes and treason. Do you have any last words before your execution." Then, everyone in America woke up.

2. "Once upon a time, there were three little girls who went to the Police Academy..."

3. "Waiters who ask if I'd like to see the dessert menu are so stupid, they deserve to die."

4. "So, when do I get to travel through time to take out Archduke Ferdinand?"

5. "Nice grouping in the crotch of the Clinton target... both Clinton targets, actually."

Best of lawhawk
When I woke up, I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a 'roaring rampage of revenge.' I roared. And I rampaged. And I got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point, but I have only one more. The last one. The one I'm aiming for right now. The only one left. And when I am done, I am gonna kill Bill.

Best of Van Helsing
When this picture was found in with his stroke magazines, Pinch Sulzberger's career came abruptly to an end.

Best of Jonathan
"Oh, quit your whining, Mrs. Edwards! Look on the bright side: Silky can use this for another fundraising e-mail."

Best of Double the U
Miss Coulter, although the board of elections let you vote in the wrong place the last time, you can't vote here again, even with that gun.

Best of Jack Reacher
How to talk to a liberal--If you must.

Best of Army of Mom
Ann, what big hands you have.
All the better for shooting libtards with.

Best of Cybrludite
What do you mean that I didn't make the cut for Thursday?

Best of Mr. Right
"Isn't that just like a liberal? Bringing a pie to a gun fight!"

Best of Kaptain
"Go ahead, punk, make my..."
BLAM!

Dirty Harry's new partner is a real keeper.

John Edward's High School Prom Pictures Were Recently Unearthed...

Shayne


1. It's said the difference between straight and bi is a six-pack, but Todd was something of a lightweight.

2. "Am I John Edwards intern or a Ron Paul intern? I can never remember."

3. Budget cuts at Busch are expected lead to some disturbing Superbowl commercials next year.

4. "There's been a horrible mistake! Apparently, this foul beverage was delivered to me and my tiara was delivered to some high school boys."

5. During a brief, rebellious period in college, Gavin Newsome drank a beer. He soon returned to chardonnay, LSD, and the smell of his own farts, like all good San Franciscans.

Best of Jack Reacher
"What party? I'm working a dual internship for Barney Frank and Patrick Kennedy."

Best of metalgarth
More scenes from "High School Musical III: Graduation Night" keep getting leaked on the internet.

Best of Silhouette
Must...resist...Minwax...caption...

Best of Van Helsing
I rest my case against light beer.

Best of The Man
The College Republicans have been known to haze new members, like Charles who was forced to dress like a College Democrat.

Best of GregMan
How Nature says, "Please punch me in the face".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Malcolm In The Middle" was, ironically, also the name of Frankie Muniz's first post-stardom porno flick.

Best of Submariner
Errr, Mom and Dad? I have something to share with you...

Best of Rodney Dill
I'm not a real fairy, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night... with Johnny Weir.

Best of attmay
Page 126 from the upcoming coffee table book People Liberace Could Beat Up

Little Known Fact: Lizards Love Raisins

Timmah!


1. "Mom... Dad... I'm dating a Gorn."

2. Charles Johnson's kiddie pr0n.

3. "Nah, I'm used to it. I used to date Woody Allen."

4. "Well, screw you and your patriarchy-based concepts of marriage. Jub-Jub and I happen to be in love."

5. "Sh1t, is this real, or another acid flashback?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Din't know Jim Morrison was a pedophile.

Best of metalgarth
"I'm cold blooded, check it and see. Like girls at around age 3"

Best of Tim
Young Lovecraft was troubled by family photos such as these.

Best of Tim
Life was fine for Bonny and JubJub until winter hit and all Jubjub did was sit on the heating stone and eat fermented fruit.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Thanks, Dad, it's really cool; but I'd just like my Teddy Ruxpin back, if you don't mind."

Best of andthenblammo!
"I'm on to you, buddy; I'm too young to get into Playboy, and I'm sure this isn't Hugh Hefner. Pretty sure, anyway."

Best of duke of red

.........COMMENT DELETED..........

"This is Chris Hanson. May I speak to all of you? Why don't you take a seat right over there."

Best of Jack Reacher
I see Nicole Richie had her baby.

Best of SnarkyOne
Jabba the Hut's early years. "NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!"

Best of Army of Mom
Hillary and Bill: The Really, Really Early Years

Best of Dave P
I can has Prussian Blue?

Best of sonicfrog
Oh, for a minute I thought this was a picture of Fred Thompson and his wife.

Best of Snarkyone
"Go on...guess my real name and I will not take your firstborn."

Imperial Planning Meetings

Timmah!

1. Peter just knew Darth Lumberg was going to ask him to come in on Saturday.

2. Even though he choked Wally to death at the first staff meeting, Dilbert thought the new manager was an improvement over the PHB.

3. "... Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to take my hover-pickup over to the Home Depot on Coruscant and round up some labor to build this thing."

4. Chad's ascent from Assistant Manager to VP of Marketing at Kroger was unsurprisingly swift.

5. Dick Cheney explains the next phase of the Global War on Terror.

Best of lawhawk
Darth Rove was unaccustomed to working without PowerPoint, but he was a quick learner.

Best of kg
Ron Paul continues to wonder why no one takes him seriously.

Best of Silhouette
"I find your lack of proactiveness disturbing."

Best of Rodney Dill
Picture Page used to be better before Bill Cosby joined the darkside.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes I would know what Uranus looks like... why is everyone laughing?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Luke always dreaded bringing his father to school on career day.

Best of andthenblammo!
"*gluuuuuuh* I see someone has forgotten to bring the donuts...*gluuuuuh* FOR THE LAST TIME!"

Best of Paul
Young Darth spent countless hours before the Local Planning Commission, the Zoning Board, the Space Variance Committee, the Assessment Board, the Parks Commission, the Local Utility Board.....

Best of Rodney Dill
"Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Cyclops Happy-Face."

Best of Jack Reacher
"First that idiot Dwight won't stop asking stupid questions, and Pam and Jim are giggling through my presentation...I've had it! The Scranton office sucks!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Bob Novak's foray into teaching wasn't particularly well received.

Best of Jack Reacher
Once the city council brought in a guest speaker to explain eminent domain, opposition just seemed to vanish.

Best of Army of Mom
Darth Vader always won at Pictionary. Always.

Best of Army of Mom
Or is this one better: They call me Vader Salad.

Best of Rodney Dill
Steve Carell... I am your father.

Best of prince of leaves
After numerous complaints of physical and telekinetic assaults in the workplace, Vader was required to undergo anger management training as a condition of continued employment.

Best of attmay
"Okay, Jimmy's dead. Next person who asks me to say 'This Is CNN', consider this a warning!"

How Nature Says Do Not Touch

Why Subby, Why?

1. Sully just loved the Breck Girl's "Clothing Optional" Pool Parties.

2. The number of permutations of "Free Willy" captions for this photo are almost incalculable.

3. News of Trent Lott's resignation was celebrated even at the 'Fat Guy Water Ballet' club.

4. Matt Damon, People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" could have anyone he wanted, yet he comes home to this. That's true love, folks.

5. Somethin' just went and crawled itself outta the shallow end of the gene pool.

Best of The Man
After his career waned, Johnny Weir tried his hand at synchronized swimming.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Stamens...Pistils... I'll have none of it.

Best of A. Weasel
Daddy?

Best of metalgarth
The budget for Ang Lee's Fantasia was surprisingly low

Best of Submariner
IM IN UR POOL, POLINATIN UR PANZIES

Best of Paul
Santa Claus never talks about his half-brother, Daisy.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Rapunzel Rapunzel"

Best of Jack Reacher
After the disappointing sales of her last album, Britney was never again offered A-list dancers for her videos. She made do.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: Keiko knew it was time to put Miles on a diet when he once again clogged the Delta Quadrant wormhole.

Best of Adjustah
This proved to be the last Capital One "What's in Your Wallet" commercial...

Best of Whacko
"Hi, I'm Eric. I love walks on the beach, reading, talking by the fireplace in the evening, and having my scroat nailed to the diving board. Can we meet? 555-1234."

Best of duke of red
"Lowered Ex-pect-TAA-shuns!"

Best of Army of Mom
Danny models the world's largest catheter and its complementary floral arrangement designed to conceal it.

Best of Jonathan
"I see your handle and your spout, but be little more honest and replace 'stout' with 'morbidly obese'!"

Silky Pony's Jungle Fever

Jonathan

1. "Back off, a$$-breath. Homey don't play that."

2. "Magic Negroes do not work that way! Stop rubbing my a$$."

3. "Mr. Moderator, please make Edwards stop blowing in my ear!"

4. Between questions, John Edwards whispers catty comments about Hillary's make-up and accessories to Barack Obama.

5. "Well, personally, John, I'd say any white man who needs to have the biggest house east of the Mississippi is makin' up for something, if you know what I mean."

6. "I forget, B.O., was the plan 'rape Hillary, then kill her' or 'kill Hillary, then rape her?'"

7. "What does me meeting you in your hotel room dressed as a lawn jockey have to do with joining your reparations class action lawsuit?

8. "A few choruses of 'Funky Town' whispered huskily are known to be irresistible to the African libido." - page 43 of How to Seduce a Black Man.

9. "Correction, Mr. Edwards. Your milkshake does *not* bring all the boys to the yard."

10. "Normally, Senator Edwards, I'd be happy to meet you for dinner, but tonight I'm eating fried chicken and watermelon with Dawn in front of Old Navy."

Best of Jack Reacher
I pledge allegiance to the Magic Negro...

Best of Jack Reacher
Contestants at the Mr. Metrosexual Pageant wish each other good luck.

Best of Murphy Klasing
"Barak, tell you miget goon to get his hand off my chest or I swear I will tussle your hair on National TV."

Best of Dave P
"...why yes, they are. Rock hard, Barry. Wanna try a feel?"

Best of GregMan
"Pleeease get me Opra's autograph while you're campaigning with her, Barack. I would just DIE for Opra's autograph!"

Best of duke of red
"Psst, pass it down.. Hillary eats man balls."

Best of Kaptain
"I had that dream again, Barry. You know. Where we're running toward each other, hair flying in the breeze. Although in my case, that's rather self-evident. I mean, just look at it. Doesn't it just scream 'full-bodied'? Touch it. You know you want to. I'm silky, and I'll be your pony."


Best of Submariner
No; you can't EVEN be my wingman, cracker.

Best of metalgarth
In 2008 the voters of Springfield will have to choose Lenny or Carl as their next mayor, but their close relationship has the people wondering.

Best of Army of Mom
Barack, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Crazee Golf-Ball Head Wants Him Some Crazee Candee

Timmah and Subbeh!



1. Dick Cheney switches from quail hunting to golf... with predictable results.

2. Bill chuckled. "Man, did I ever hook that shot. I guess you get Hillary for the weekend after all."

3. So, who's idea was it to replace Chevy Chase with Russell Crowe in the remake of Caddyshack?

4. "You know, now that this golf ball had destroyed 80% of my cerebellum, I understand why Barack Obama would make a *great* president."

5. Due to over-crowding, some of California's violent criminals were transferred to white collar prisons to serve as caddies, with predictable results.

Best of Rodney Dill
Alan Shepard's moon shot finally reenters.

Best of Rodney Dill
Don of the dead

Best of Whacko
He was juggling a golf club, a golf ball, a hatchet, and a lit blowtorch when things started to go awry.

Best of Jack Reacher
Focus, people! Those pants are the real emergency!

Best of Van Helsing
Tiger seemed so clean and articulate. But then he snapped.

Best of divine miss m
Never, ever cheat on Denise Richards.

Best of Submariner
Head On; Applied DIRECTly to the forehead...

Best of prince of leaves
Twin Peaks ORA: "Yeah, Pete, it's fascinating that there's a fish in the coffee pot and all, but let's focus on the fact that there's a FRIGGIN GOLFBALL IN MY CRANIUM."

Best of AJ
OJ sees someone running away with his golf clubs.

Best of AJ
Carl Spakler misunderstands Sandy and accidently kills all of the golfers.

I Almost Broke My Back Mountin' You

Ohiocana

1. "Betting on the Lions over the Packers. What the hell was I thinking?.

2. "What do you mean we're too butch to be John Edwards interns. Check out the Tiara, Hello-o-o-o!."

3. "Maybe the Thursday Babe archives are ... over there!"

4. "Wel1, you better hope that's a gawdamm pack of Mentos in your pocket."

5. "If you can't hurdle that bench in one leap, I swear to Gawd I will kill you."
Best of Jack Reacher
What Senator Craig imagines when his interns tell him they're "ride-sharing."

Best of metalgarth
High School Musical III is going after, well... the same dempgraphic that 99% of the other musicals go after

Best of Mr. Right
"Sorry, Congressman Foley, but your actual prom date is over there in the cockpit of that helicopter!"

Best of Army of Mom
Ok, who's wearing the tiara? Right. So, take me over there, bitch!

Best of Army of Mom
IM N UR SKUL RIDIN UR SON

"There Must Be 57 T!ts up there!"

Coach TC


1. Rick was so excited when the stripper agreed to pull his finger that he failed to notice the earwig was halfway up his lobe.

2. "Hey, them ain't real!"

3. Rick was notably more enthusiastic than the rest of The Vagina Monologues audience.

4. Hillary made a note to herself. "I've got to screen my planted questioners better. This guy never should have picked for the question about free breast exams under HillaryCare."

5. Predicting how audiences will react to the castration scene in Caligula - The Musical was always hit-miss.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Man I just love Weekendupdate"

Best of Jack Reacher
Once again, Dr. Miller gets carried away at the Proctologists' Convention.

Best of Silhouette
The audience at NYC's latest craze, live viewing of Caption This captioning, reacts to another fabulous reference to Kobe being open.

Best of Army of Mom
Check out Clay Aiken's package!

Best of Whacko
Some people really seem to enjoy the public water-boardings.

What We're All Thankful For

Coach TC

1. "OK, Senator Kennedy. I've disabled the breathalyzer-ignition interlock. You're good to go. No thanks, I don't need a ride."

2. The first time in history an engine over-heats after the hood was lifted.

3. "That thing got a pair of hemis?"

4. "Actually, Ma'am, when I offered to 'give you a jump,' that's not what I was thinkin'..."

5. "Tell you what, Mrs. Clinton, instead of drinking each other's urine to survive, why don't I just call Road Service on my cell phone."

Best of Jack Reacher
Carmella told Mr. Clinton she was going to look at that bent rod of his, so the blame was 50/50 when he dropped his pants.

Best of sonicfrog
What We're All Thankful For.. Yay!!! A car repair!!!

Best of CC!
"Move along mister, there's nothing to see here."

Best of Steve the Wraith
Actually, I don't care anymore if my car runs...I've gotten myself started...
...and actually, I've just finished.

Best of Submariner
While the Mustang Ranch Garage wasn't all that competent and usually ended up taking 3 to 4 times as long per repair, it seemed to work for them.

Best of divine miss m
Subby mused, "She looks like that in a mini-skirt and repairs her own car; I don't even care whether she turns into a pizza and a six-pack at midnight!"

Best of Army of Mom
I ask him to stop and ask for directions. Does he listen? Hell no. Now, we're stuck in BFE and I'm having to get mostly naked to get the Bubbas here to help fix the car.

Best of Army of Mom
Radio ad testimonial: I was traveling down Route 66 when my car broke down. I called OnStar and within minutes, they sent out a mechanic to jump me. Thank you, OnStar.

Best of Army of Mom
Porn movies start out this way ... so do horror movies!

Juxtaposition Baby

Timmah!


1. Marlene was getting a mite fed up with passersby shoving their trash in her mouth.

2. While Flaky Burger locked the doors for Oprah and her entourage, a disgruntled Britney Spears sat and pouted .

3. Good news, fellas. She's available.

4. Gay Day at Disneyland: Marlene flirts with the trash container for 45 minutes before realizing it isn't Rosie O'Donnell.

5. Um... no. For you, no more Cheezburger.

Best of divine miss m
This little piggy went to WalMart.

Best of Pauly
Marlene was upset that Oprah had backwashed into her Flaky Ice drink.

Best of racerboy
Wanted: Woman with own Hog
Must have own leathers.
Must know how to chang spark plugs, tires,
tune carbs, adjust valves, drive belts, etc.
Send picture of Hog

Best of Army of Mom
They call me Tater Salad, double cheeseburger all the way, extra onion rings, a Chocolate shake and a Diet Coke.

Best of Army of Mom
When Kate Moss fell off the wagon foodwise, she made up for lost time.

Best of Army of Mom
When Lula sits around the amusement park, she really sits AROUND the amusement park.

Best of Jack Reacher
Things to be thankful for: Well, this isn't a Thursday Babe photo.

Best of Double the U
The garbage can was upset because it thought the photographer was mocking it.

Best of Rodney Dill
Coming the summer of 2008 -- Porky's Ennui

Oprah Can Has Cheezburger

Coach TC

1. Flaky Ice... the secret ingredient... is dandruff.

2. "It's just a dirty metaphor, stupid. I didn't mean I wanted a burger made out of ground cat meat."

3. "This is his idea of fine dining? I'll tell you one thing, Bill Maher ain't gettin' lucky tonight!"

4. "Yeah, that Oprah Winfrey. And in the time it takes me to eat this burger, I'll make more money than you'll see in your whole life, asswipe. So get your cracker ass back in the kitchen and bring me more curly fries, b1tch!"

5. And then Oprah launched into her impression of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally and cleared out the place.

6. Oprah was unable to finish her burger after seeing the "Employees Must Wipe Butt" sign in the restroom.

7. "Flakies" ... like Hooters, but fetishizing excessively dry skin.

8. "There was mayo on my hamburger. Have the crew put to death."

9. "No, I don't want to discuss my book club. Gaia, is there anyone in the fast food industry who *wasn't* an English major?"

10. "Does your restaurant serve every black customer with blue latex gloves, Senator Byrd?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Soylent What?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Who left my back-up soda out here without a lid?"

Best of Jack Reacher
After announcing on her television show that she liked reading the back of "Flaky Ice" cups, Oprah inadvertently causes a run on them that results in 21,000,000 sales the next week.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"What are you all looking at?... Dr.Phil served his purpose, and I was famished!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Here are your pancakes, Ms. Winfrey...and I brought you some nice Aunt Jem... some nice syrup as well."

Best of Submariner
Soylent brown is WHAT?

Best of Capt. Queeg
Either I'm still trippin' Oprah thought. Or that is one tiny-a$$ egg mcmuffin.

Best of Mr. Right
Having already ingested enough of the burger to seal her fate, Oprah turns with a start to the sound of a cackling Texas cattle baron waving a small bottle of blue elixir marked "Mad Cow Antidote - $50,000,000!"

Best of lawhawk
Now, we know how Hillary made all that money on cattle futures.

Best of Kaptain
"Waiter! I've got a piece of a Yaris bumper in my burger! AND my hot dog! You got some 'spaining to do!"

Step Right Up and Touch the Homeless Man

Brender
1. "How can I eat a cookie when ennui won't loose her grasp of me?"

2. Reduced to a catatonic state, Dave Chapelle finally goes five minutes without using the N word.

3. "I asked for soy milk in my mocha espresso. What the hell kinda homeless shelter is this?"

4. Leroy was holding out for a 40 and a pack of Winstons before he'd let the Democrats take him to each polling station.

5. Either I'm still trippin' Leroy thought. Or that is one tiny-a$$ egg mcmuffin.

Best of metalgarth
I would say Todd Bridges has really let himself go, but everyone already knows that.

Best of Whacko
"Look, dude, you'd better take this orally, cause I promise you REALLY won't like the suppository."

Best of Jack Reacher
Having joined Nation of Islam in jail, Tyrone could no longer bear the sight of uncovered female forearms.

Best of Murphy Klasing
The three frisky TSA agents use everything in their arsenal to get the young black man to disrobe.

Best of Silhouette
You'd turn your head too, if a three-armed nurse was waiting on you.

Best of Submariner
Even after they've purchased one, some liberals are hesitant to touch their magic negro...

Best of Submariner
Unfortunately, Tyrone didn't know the ebonic word for 'cookie.'

Best of prince of leaves
With hurricane season over for another year, New Orleans courts a new emergency management director.

Best of prince of leaves
In Room 101 of Hillary's new MiniWell national healthcare centers, citizens will learn to once again love Big Sister with all their heart.

Best of Army of Mom
DeMarcus refuses the cookie and hot chocolate until he gets his Mother F***in' FEMA trailer.

Best of attmay
No I don't want no communion, bitch! I'm Jewish.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Dawn, Dawn, why hast thou forsaken me."

Live From NY, It's Pretend SNL

Granma

1. "We now go live to the Weekend Update Eye-in-the-Sky Traffic Copter with Naked Rasta Man."

2. "And now, in a CBS News exclusive, a PowerPoint presentation from 1972 conclusively proves that Bush's entire Texas National Guard Service consisted of playing 'Wing Commander' on a Nintendo Playstation. Here's Dan Rather with the story."

3. "And our top story tonight, Bush Sucks and Cheney is the Devil. Bwah ha ha ha... See folks, that's the kind of topical, biting satire we pay Daily Show Writers for. Please support the strike."

4. MSNBC finally comes up with a set design appropriate to the intellectual level of its hosts.

5. Not having the heart to tell Katie Couric how bad she sucks, CBS creates a pretend newscast for her to anchor.

Best of Kaptain
"I don't go on the air without my pre-broadcast Danish. Go ahead, try to find somebody to replace me."

Best of The Man
This just in: SNL has not been funny in at least 10 years. Now for sports.

Best of Rodney Dill
What? It doesn't say weekendupskirt?

Best of Whacko
The writer's strike left SNL with nobody to write gags. This went unoticed by the audience.

Best of attmay
"Minimalism my ass, you're just cheap, Lorne!"

Best of Army of Mom
Going for a younger demographic, producers opted to put the female anchor in a Hogwart's uniform.

It Is Repugnant, Yet I Cannot Look Away

Timmah!
1. Mr. Carlson apologized for the incident saying, "By God, I thought naked crackheads could fly."

2. "Oh, breddas and sistas, it all chaka-chaka down dere on de I-395. It look like a horse collide wid a Yaris, mon. You no gon' get to de yard tonight."

3. Barack Obama's brother, Old Dirty Bastard Obama, continues the Billy Carter, Hugh Rodham, Roger Clinton tradition of embarrassing presidential siblings.

4. "The strap-on? Hillary had a yard sale, mon."

5. After the botched vasectomy, Rasta man was never jolly again, not even when they gave him a prosthetic replacement.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So, Billy, mon, you ever been in a cockpit before?"

Best of Jack Reacher
The photo that solidified Livonia's refusal to build an airport.

Best of Submariner
All I know is that the Olsen twins are in for a surprize when their prom dates show up!

Best of Robert
Captain Oveur swears he's not sitting in that seat until the cleaning crew is done.

Best of Rodney Dill
The God's may be crazy, but Kucinich supporter are full blown bonkers.

Best of Mr. Right
And here we see the real reason why the notion of "Father Kwanzaa" never quite caught on...

Best of Mr. Right
After years of risking his neck flying Magnum around without so much as a dime in gas money, T.C. finally snaps!

Best of Whacko
And here I thought the term "joy stick" pertained to some sort of gear in the cockpit of an airplane.

Best of Army of Mom
Fortunately, market research showed Mr. T should lose the hat and bulk up a bit.

Best of Adjustah
Once drugged to fly, Hannibal and Murdoch would often amuse themselves by taking embarrassing pictures of BA.

A Pinto Collides with a Yaris

Van Helsing


1. Lousy teenagers! Throwing stuff off of Overpasses!

2. The driver would avoid a ticket by claiming he thought he was running down Sarah Jessica Parker.

3. Following the witch's curse, all McDonald's carry-out in the city reverted to to its original form.

4. The tragic end of an Enumclaw love triangle.

5. "Hey, what's Ted Kennedy doing in the front seat of that Yaris?"

Best of Kaptain
"Excuse me, sir, but have you heard about Dianetics?" Horse Scientology devotees became a bit more aggressive.

Best of Jack Reacher
It's just as well that police stopped asking for explanations from Kennedys.

Best of Van Helsing
Tragically, Senator Biden went through the windshield face first.

Best of Rodney Dill
The first showing of Pimp Your Buggy ended with tragic consequences.

Best of duke of red
"Officer, I was in the RIGHT lane, and this horse's a$$ just cut me off!!"

Best of GregMan
"That reminds me, how is Maureen Dowd these days anyway?"

Best of Rodney Dill
...she ain't what she used to be.

Best of curly
Caught on film by a stop light camera, the ticket was naturally sent to Hillary Clinton.

Best of Rodney Dill
Bummer for the driver that this happened in London.

Best of Submariner
Road rage in Amish country...

Best of Submariner
"I'm on my way to a critical vote? - crap, used that last time. Think, Patrick; think FAST!"

Best of sonicfrog
OK. OK. Shit - I am drunk! You Drive!

Best of Rodney Dill
"I meant throw the heroin in the front seat moron."

Best of Mr. Right
The investigation into Princess Diana's death takes yet another bizarre and disturbing turn...

Best of Rodney Dill
The Horse is a corpse, of course, a corpse.

Feed me, Seymour

Americana


1. "I hated doing that to someone so clean and articulate," Hillary's aide lamented.

2. "Whose bright idea was it to splice genes from a Venus flytrap with Nancy Grace?"

3. "Hey Mom, there's a Triffid at the door?"

4. "I hate these Asian discos with their dangerous avant garde urinals."

5. "Thanks for helping me with my golf swing, Audrey 2."

Best of attmay
"I assumed it was the WKRP guy. Would it kill you to be a little more specific?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Okay, I'll help you with the Preparation H this one last time, but honey, you really need to get those hemorrhoids taken care of."

Best of prince of leaves
"A woman knows these things, Jim...ever since my accident at the fuel-rod storage depot, you just don't find me sexy any more."

Best of Snarkyone
"Candygram..."

Best of Steve
Don't move! I'm a nerd with an inside out sheep and I'm not afraid to use it!

Best of Rodney Dill
Elmer really hated feeding Helen Thomas

Best of The Man
"You will ask Hillary about her favorite waffle flavor, nothing about Iraq" Hillary's plants are not what you think.

Best of Rodney Dill
With thanks to the Heimlich maneuver, Earnest was able save the cat.

Deliveries in the Rear

Americana



1. Worst Campaign Job (as Voted by Hillary 08 Volunteers): Disposing of body parts.

2. John Edwards Avon Lady unpacks one week's orders.

3. "Yarrr! That raid on the minivan brought in a hearty load of swag, Yar!"

4. The Romney campaign plays a joke by sending 200 pizzas to the Kucinich campaign... none vegan!

5. "The Schwartzes, too? Why, it looks like all the Jewish families in the neighborhood are getting these ticking packages from the Ron Paul campaign. Lucky bastards."

Wicked Best of Submariner
And this is the last of it. Man! Am I glad to be done with this court-ordered removal of dignity from the Spears' residence...

Best of Robert
Another load of Halliburton cash arrives at the White House.

Best of attmay
"A. Sullivan? Please sign here for your shipment from Dildoes 'R' Us"

Best of Double the U
I am here with the votes that "I found", and wadda know, they are all for the democrat!

Best of Jack Reacher
Most people don't think of boxes of cash as "a delivery of Chinese," but the Clinton campaign isn't "most people."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Your week's supply of Breck is Here Mr. Edwards"
"Your week's supply of Vagisil is here Ms. Clinton."

Best of Submariner
Here's this afternoon's delivery of Chevas, Sen. Kennedy. See you tomorrow morning at the usual time?

Best of Submariner
"This week's complaints from Dawn are here, V..."

Best of Rodney Dill
CNN reported that Hillary didn't have enough heart to win, but she has 152 of them right here.

Best of Army of Mom
Ms. O'Donnell, looks like the five pairs of your new undies have arrived along with a cooler full of snacks.

Best of Whacko
Another load of carbon offset credits (i.e. money)arrives at the office of Algore.

Jurassic Boner

Yahoo Nooz


1. "A little higher... there you go."

2. "I call my discovery Bonersaurus Enumclawus."

3. The Bedrock M.E. reviews the sick, gruesome details of Fred Flintstone's death.

4. "The museum rugby scrum is tonight and I don't have a cup. I wonder if I could... nah-h-h-h-h-h."

5. "... and in keeping with our commitment to diversity, this skeleton will be exhibited on the backs of two prostrate Muslim women."

Best of Rodney Dill
This particular species became extinct because they were all gay, there were know as the Hump-a-sore-ass.

Inter-Species Romance Presents...

Baboon Pirates via Army of Mom


1. Well, F*ck a d*ck.

2. "You're loose as a goose. How do you keep from sinking?"

3. Disney's Incredible Journey franchise took a dark turn after Ang Lee took over.

4. "Hey, Quackers, you don't suppose watching teh ghey animal pron all day is going to make people late for anything, do you?"

5. "Is it in yet? It's a gawdamm Christmas tree light! What do you expect?"

Best of Rodney Dill
AFLAC!!!!

Best of metalgarth
The real reason why Warner Brothers never let the coyote catch the roadrunner.

Best of Robert
Mutual of Omaha presents Wild King... WTF?

Best of Jack Reacher
Behold the reason neighbors asked that the Clintons' dog be kept indoors.

Best of Jack Reacher
Many people, when polled, said they expected to see something like this in a film called "Sicko," instead of some fat guy badgering doctors and nurses.

Best of Double the U
We have all been there, had a lot to much to drink and just wanted to F* the first thing we saw in the parking lot.

Best of Pauly
Even if you look like a duck, walk like a duck, and quack like a duck, once you get f@@ked doggie style, you're a bitch.

Best of prince of leaves
The other animals started to question the new order when Napoleon's hounds were allowed certain unsavory "privileges".

Best of prince of leaves
The Commerce Department today announced another Chinese product recall, after several brands of dog food were found to be laced with staggering quantities of testosterone.

Best of Submariner
Well I'm not happy about it either, but the Rams DID beat the Saints, and a bet's a bet...

Spectacular - Definitely. Real? Who Cares?

AosHQ


1. "Not a question," Hillary said, "But I do have something else I'd like to plant in you!"

2. First change in the third Clinton administration: Hostess uniforms on Air Force 1.

3. "Her hair is limp and lifeless, and so is my peener," Silky Pony sighed as ennui grasped him.

4. When Fox replaced its entire network schedule with Hot Model Underwear Wrestling, suddenly, nobody gave a hoot about the writer's strike.

5. When Hillary Clinton bites into a York Peppermint Patty...

Best of lawhawk
Ah twins. Obi Wan's failure is now complete. If you will not turn, perhaps she will.

Best of Submariner
Hilldawg glanced at the new applicant and muttered "I'm sure I can find a new position with you, er, FOR you..."

Best of metalgarth
Does it seem like your coming down with teh ghey? Take two of these right before bedtime.

Best of The Man
The writers strike has caused us to pursue drastic measures on the set of Kid Nation.

Best of Submariner
Oh goody! The Advent Calendar I ordered from Frederick's is here!

One of these things is not like the others...

Timmah!


1. It was tough for Whoopi Goldberg, being the first black, male member of the Delta Gamma sorority.

2. Just as the orgy was about to begin, Buckwheat realized he was teh ghey.

3. "BRAINS!!!" (Sniff. Sniff) "BLONDS!!!"

4. "We're bitches, Rick James!"

5. "Oh... when you said we were all going to be 'black-maled' tonight, I thought you meant something else."

Best of metalgarth
The Fairy Princesses found out the hard way that getting a Magic Negro had its drawbacks.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
When Cynthia McKinney finally snapped.

Best of The Man
The next batch of interns for President Obama knows not to feed him after midnight.

Best of The Man
"I told you that nothing would happen if you say 'hey Kobe, I'm open' three times"

Best of Jonathan
Nice. Making fun of a demonically possessed African tribal shaman about to devour the souls of sorority chicks. Read his story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Best of attmay
A scene from one of Robert Byrd's re-election campaign ads.

Best of Colonel Forbin
At Tinker Bell Ballet School of Orange County, Jerome questions why he isn't being accepted by the other students.

Best of duke of red
"Boogah Boogah Boogah!!!"

Best of Whacko
No matter how hard he tried after the demise of Our Gang, Buckwheat never ever managed to get noticed again.

Oh... Crap!

Van Helsing


1. "OK... the runway repairs are behind schedule. We get the hint. Stop buzzing us!"

2. I CAN HAS CARNAGE?

3. "The reason that 'noisy cloud' looks like a jet is because IT IS a jet, you numbnuts!"

4. "Looks like drunken pilots from Northwest Airlines are pulling National Guard duty again."

Best of Anonymous
Boss... da plane, da plane !!

Best of Submariner
"Think we should turn on the landing lights?"
"No! That's just what they'd expect us to do..."

Best of Jack Reacher
Shortly before the pilot went to maximum thrust, the tower heard a radio transmission that said "This time we're racing for pinks, baby!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey, Dave, remind me again why we're building this runway inside a volcano."

Best of Murphy Klasing
Here at JetBlue we will get you to your destination on time...no matter what.

Best of Merovign
Faster... faster... faster would be better!!!

Best of Robert
That's some major FOD on the runway Cap'n Striker but the jet blast should clear the strip - no problem.

Best of lawhawk
This is your Captain speaking. Landing might be a little touchy today. They're putting the finishing touches on it as I speak. I only hope they finish by the time I finish my approach.

Best of Kaptain
"Loud, incessant whine? I thought that was the Democrats!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Objects in Sully's rear are larger than they appear.



5. Two and a half years after Katrina, repairs continue at the New Orleans International Airport, which was not actually damaged in the hurricane, but a construction contractor made a big donation to William Jefferson and Mary Landrieu...

Worst. Callsign. Ever.

Sondra K


1. Other characters in Andrew Sullivan's sci-fi epic Milky Loads from Outer Space included Captain Penetrator, First Officer Glutes, and Asian Science Officer, Mr. Hung.

2. Forgetting about the dangers of explosive decompression, Creamer unzips to take a wizz and promptly explodes.

3. "My name is Cramer. Cramer! F**k you faggot bastards at Mission Control!"

4. Ever since the Xenomorph had eaten Coffee, Creamer sensed his presence on the mission was superfluous.

5. Young and vulnerable inmates at Rura Pente are advised to stay clear of the old sick f**k known as 'Creamer.'
Best of Kaptain
"You damn kids get off my barren lawn!"

Best of Kaptain
Old Man Creamer was the target of many a prank by the neighborhood kids, including the infamous one where they moved his house to the Himalaya Mountains.

Best of Rodney Dill
What planet will you be on be when your laxative kicks in.

Best of The Man
Tragedy struck as Commander Creàmer (it's french people, grow up) was the first to be killed by one of the Martians deadly accurate black arrows.

Best of Rodney Dill
The CEO and founder of Creamerica was later sued by Michael Richards, who hung him upside down and stuck a fork in his a$$.

Best of duke of red
I CAN HAZ SHOOGAR WIF DAT?

Best of Pauly
SWM, 75, willing to go to the ends of the earth to find the Sugar in my life. Reply to deparateoldguy@craigslist.com

Best of Submariner
ORA: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Best of Rodney Dill
"... I don't even know her."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Didn't we park in the Mickey lot?"
"No, I'm sure it was Donald Duck."

Best of Double the U
The Ron Paul supporters reached a new level, the apparatus allows them to only breath Ron Paul's farts. And they are ecstatic!

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
"Uh, I dunno, Mr. Fawcett. We still haven't found our way back to civilization and these penguins are starting to peck at my nads."

More Black License Plate Stuff

1. "Hermione? Is that you this time, or is Dumbledore using his Masquerade spell again?"

2. "Very nice, but I believe you're a couple of days early, ma'am."

3. Hoping to burnish her literary reputation, J.K. Rowling pens a sequel to titled Flowers for Algernon titled Nipples for Dumbledore.

4. "But what about Frau Blucher?" (Loud whinny)

5. "I do believe 'The Sorceror' is turning to Stone..."

Best of Submariner
No, Ron, I DON'T think you got Snape's potion quite right; but that's just fine by me.

Best of Rodney Dill
Harry: (thinking) "Why is Gary Glitter's History of Rock and Roll stuck in my mind?"

Best of Robert
So thaaatss the Chamber of Secrets.

Best of Whacko
"You know, lady, I'm kind of new at this. Are you really supposed to have, you know, like, those balls?"

Best of Army of Mom
Blimey, you're shaved in a lightning design.

Best of Rodney Dill
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-Grabbin'

Best of Submariner
My eyes are up here, Harry...

Best of curly
"Do you still have that black license plate attached to your ass?"

Best of prince of leaves
Those who completed the difficult extra credit in her Transfiguration class learned as a reward that Professor McGonagall could transform into more than one type of pussy.

Best of Colonel Forbin
After watching the movie Weird Science, a light buld went on in Harry Potters head.

Best of Rodney Dill
When Harry Met Sully.

Best of Snarkyone
Geez, Hermione, you can speak 'Parseltonge' without moving
your lips!

Don't Bother. They're Here.

Timmah!
1. The day Billy forgot to take his Ritalin.

2. "And if me and my 17 accomplices don't get a teeny, tiny getaway car in fifteen minutes, we start whacking hostages."

3. Eventually, Janet Reno was forced to torch McDonaldland and roast everyone inside.

4. It started with John Edwards channeling John Wayne Gacy and rapidly escalated from there...

5. If Ellen tried to cross the picket line again, the Writer's Guild was ready.*

Best of Kaptain
"Sacre le blue! Ze clown, he is armed! Hold me, Pierre, hold me, for today we die!"

Best of Silhouette
Laugh. Riot.

Best of curly
Meanwhile, back at the Ron Paul rally...

Best of curly
Thanks to the Dhimmis in the Senate, waterboarding now consists of a clown with a water pistol.

Best of lawhawk
Bozo may have stopped boozing, but brawling with cops always cheered him up.

Best of Rodney Dill
"There must've been 100 of them in that Hummer."

Best of Rodney Dill
Bozo wasn't a mean drunk, but he'd kill ya just the same.

Best of Army of Dad
The cops focused only on the gun, they missed the flower on his lapel.

Best of The Man
Don't spray me bro'

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
If riot cops beat the crap out of a mime, does it make any noise? What's more, does anybody care?

Best of Submariner
It's all fun and games until someone's crotch gets wetted...

Best of sonicfrog
The sad thing is, with "Wizzie The Clown" in charge, internal security at CTU Los Angeles showed tremendous improvement.

*Yeah, I don't get it either, but it's topical.

L'Chaim!

Frank IBC


1. Unclear on the concept of Mardi Gras, Iranian mullahs flash their willies while simultaneously throwing beads at revelers.

2. "A fiddler? On the roof?"

3. "Why don't you guys go bother Kwame Brown?" Kobe demanded.

4. "Conga Conga Con-GA! Conga Conga Con-GA!"

5. Mad with absolute power, Ahmadinnerjacket amuses himself with games of "Pantsless Human Dominos."

Best of Army of Mom
*Jazz hands*

Best of Army of Mom
Arabic twister was sort of creepy.

Best of duke of red
Coming to Broadway, the musical version of "Death to Amedica!"

Best of Kaptain
"Monorail!"

Best of attmay
♫ I'm a dhimmi, You're a dhimmi,
He's a dhimmi, She's a dhimmi,
Wouldn't you like to be a dhimmi too? ♫

Best of jack reacher
In Islamic republic, government topples you.

Best of Robert
The Tehran chapter of Up With People ('cept for Jews, Christians, Hindus, Buddists, atheists, gays, women, people who like dogs...).

Best of Submariner
The view from the back of the Goverment delivery truck, handing out free goat cheese in Dearborn...

Best of Rodney Dill
"OK, who wants to wrestle Bruce Willis next?"

Best of Frank_IBC
♫ Oh, we're the boys in the Chorus
We hope you like our show...
We know you're rootin' for us
But now we have to gooooo... ♫

The Usual Gang of Idiots

Frank IBC


1. Congressional Democrats know they can always blame senile incontinent Robert Byrd for their farts.

2. Democrats congratulate themselves on their latest "Homeless Initiative," insuring that everyone in America except a few liberal politicians will be homeless by 2012.

3. "Rock smashes pencil. Now you have to go in the cloakroom for 'Seven Minutes of Heaven' with Senator Clinton."

4. "Look, with one finger I can hypnotize Grand Kleagle Byrd. Usually, this only works on chickens."

5. Great Jumpin' Jebus, the skin on her face is tighter than an Emo-kid's jeans.

Best of The Man
Because his English was not that strong, French Prez. Sarkosy failed to realize that Byrd had just passed a resolution renaming his country Byrdistan.

Best of The Man
(inside Byrd's brain)1 "A french person who like Bush? Man I must be in hell...do I have pants on?...Soap, that is a funny word..soap."

Best of Army of Mom
Stop laughing senator, you're next to get hugged by the joker.

Best of sonicfrog
You talkin' to me? You Talkin' TO ME???

Best of Silhouette
A klansman, a socialist, and a Frenchman walk into a bar...

Best of Rodney Dill
"You're just Mauve-elous Nancy."

Best of Van Helsing
Sarko can't help but laugh, knowing that Sheets fell for the "pull my finger" gag only minutes ago, but having already forgotten, will fall for it again.

Best of prince of leaves
Guy on left: "Umm-hmmmm, I'd hit that. And Pelosi's not too bad, either."

Best of Kevin Walker
Of all the things she could have used Botox on, why can't it be her ass?

Best of Submariner
Waddaya mean he's NOT Sully's "special friend?" Is he the "Grand Beagle" or not?

Hey, Kids, Rock 'n' Roll, Rock On

Americana

1. The class was very impressed when Ms. Byrd flashed her new boob-job.

2. "Miss Byrd! There's been a terrible mistake! I'm hot and you sat me next to a far ginger kid!"

3. "Love your sex-ed class, Miss Byrd! Got any more stories about you and Jorge, the swarthy, undocumented janitor?"

4. Miss Byrd was used to hearing "Hot For Teacher," but not with such gusto, nor from one of the girls.

5. "A colored kid? At our school? But that's what we moved to Livonia to get away from!"

Best of Whacko
"That's right, kids. With the democrats in control, your school board has authorized free rubbers, birth control pills, and access to porn on school computers."

Best of Submariner
Kid in yellow shirt thought bubble; "Miss Byrd won't give me the time of day now, but just wait until she sees the rocket I'm building in the front yard!"

Best of sonicfrog
Kids - Brought to you in Technicolor!!!

Best of prince of leaves
Brian Herbert finally had to admit he was scraping the bottom of the "Dune" barrel with "Baron Harkonnen: the Middle School Years".

Best of prince of leaves
Teacher: "You should never use vaseline with condoms, because it destroys latex."
Girl in Pink: "Oh my GOD! Er, I mean...Oh, isn't that interesting!"

Best of prince of leaves
"You mean, if we just ask these softball questions when we're at the rally tomorrow, the Hillary campaign will give us fity bucks a pop? Cool!!!"

Best of The Man
When Sully showed up for show-and-tell day with a feather boa, a cock ring, and crotchless chaps to explain free-market economy and the perils of neoconservatism, the kids were surprised. Mainly because show-and-tell was last Wednesday.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Frank Burns eats worms."

Best of Kaptain
"Wow, Mrs. Byrd, I didn't you could tie cherry stems like that. But what practical use will that do me after school?"

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Death by 1K Papercuts {Brender}


1. "Who's been sleeping in my bed? What is this, Enumclaw?"

2. "Tim Treadwell? Nope, haven't seen him." (Burp!)

Best of attmay
The original concept for the final episode of Happy Days was scrapped when network suits called it "gruesome and depressing."

Best of Sonicfrog
"You're not supposed to eat the wrapper after you eat the rapper...

Best of Submariner
"...and I will hug it and kiss it and pet it and call it 'George'..."

Best of Army of Mom
Sen. Larry Craig paid dearly after the genie requested his final wish for a big white bear hungry for man meat.

Oops

The Man
Also Yahoo News.

1. Hillary's latest scheme was foiled when the perpetually tardy Bill was in a locker-room "eating cheerleader pie" instead of at midfield for the coin-toss.

2. "Yeah, that's another Imperial probe all-right. I keep telling them the rebel base is on Hoth, but do they listen? No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o."

3. As another light crashes down on the field, play is suspended until Pam Oliver calms down from her PMS attack.

4. An injured player is helped off the field in the first NFL Humans-vs-Transformers game.

5. "Wow, what else is that wrestler gonna pull out of his arse?"

Gold Star Best of Silhouette
And suddenly, Truman just knew.

Best of metalgarth
The Indianapolis Colts used much better restraining bolts on their Ronco Crowd Noise Generator

Best of The Man
The Patriots suddenly had a little more explaining to do.

Best of Double the U
Good thing for the union, that camera man could have lost his job.

Best of Rodney Dill
#75: "The guy installing it just kept muttering '220, 221, whatever it takes.'"

Best of Submariner
Apparently there seems to have been a terrible miscommunication when Tony Soprano was hired for the "Television Contract."

Best of Kaptain
"See, it's just like we told you, Coach. This birdie just fell out of the sky. Why did the birdie fall out of the sky, Coach?"

Best of Army of Mom
IM N UR FLD HITTN UR MEN

Best of Army of Mom
Scotty: I don't think I kin give 'er anymore, Cap'n.
Bones: Jim, its dead.
Spock: This is not logical.
Captain Kirk: Where are the cheerleaders?

Best of Army of Mom
The Wicked Witch curled up immediately after the trainer removed her ruby red slippers.

File Under: Things I Just Can't Do

Tasha


1. "Who! Does! Number 2! Work for?"

2. Cirque du Soleil has a different take on the classic "clown car" routine.

3. "Amateur," sniffed Sullington.

4. "Lemmiwinks says 'Hi.'"

5. Actually, the hardest part of the act is catching the M&M in his mouth.

Best of duke of red
"Ahh, Jorgensten, I wish I knew how to submit you."

Best of Rodney Dill
CHOMP

Best of Jack Reacher
"Look! That cloud is shaped like a bunny!"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"...and that's the story of the biggest dump I ever took."

Best of Van Helsing
The diet of refried beans paid off in a knockout blow.

Best of Tim
The 'Flying Reverse Cowboy ejaculation shot' is the most sought after yet dangerous porn scene ever filmed.

Best of Army of Mom
Dancing with the Stars takes a strange turn this season.

Best of Dave P
Best. Buttsecks. EVER.

Best of prince of leaves
While the results of the latest experiment were unspeakably nightmarish, Starfleet insisted to a skeptical public they were making progress with certifying transporters safe for human use.

Best of GOP & College
A Pink Flamingo gone terribly wrong.

Best of Submariner
Broke Mat Mountin'

Best of sonicfrog
(Takes huge breath):
I'm Free! I"m FREEEEEE!!!

Hot Chicks with Douchebag

Hot Chicks with Douchebags - dot - com


1. The Douchebag Council Reminds You: November is Roophies Appreciation Month.

2. In the kitchen at Chappaqua, a "midnight snack" for Hillary is prepared.

3. k.d. lang is excited about scoring a menage a trois.

4. It had sounded so innocent when D.B. suggested they go back to his place and play with "Aquadots."

5. The Man copes with news of '24's' Seasonal Cancellation with the help of his usual support system.

Best of Tim
Slurms MacKenzie's ancestor was the first to brew beverages from vaginal discharge.

Best of Jack Reacher
"They promised to have sex with me if Ron Paul won the latest online poll. Spamming has never been so sweet!"

Best of Grey Fox
"And when I find the four-fingered man, I shall say,'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'"

Best of prince of leaves
It was over for his campaign when the photos from Mitt Romney's missionary year in Ibiza turned up on the internet.

Best of Army of Mom
Elvis never went to Spain, so he figured this must be heaven.

*come on, someone get the obscure musical reference*

Best of Army of Mom
Two more Dr. 90210 happy customers show their appreciation.

Best of Army of Mom
The Crying Game remake: the girls retch when they realize the hunky guy in the shades was really Rosie O'Donnell in disguise.

Best of lawhawk
Now you know how the winners celebrate winning the 2007 Weblogs Awards.

Best of Army of Dad
Wow, five boobs in one photo.

Best of Army of Dad
The girls left Richard alone right after he told them the mansion wasn't really his, he was only there for the Bud Light.

Best of Submariner
After being burned by a tranny, SOTG adopted El AL security standards for gender ID prior to allowing entrance to his parties...

Best of Whacko
The douchbag was pleased with himself and loved to pose for these pictures but what he really wanted was some solo time for a little menage a uno.

The First Animated Thursday Babe

Ace*

1. Silky Pony says: "She's bouncin', but she ain't behavin' ... {SNAP!}"

2. "First, I'm gonna ride over to Dwight's Saloon, then it's off to Divine Miss M's Dance Hall and Cathouse, and then I'll bunk for the night at the Double the U Ranch."

3. "Hillary Clinton in bed is like Hillary Clinton on the podium... 4 positions in two minutes."

4. Rumors that Bill Maher is a cheap bastard to date... evidently true.

5. You can take the girl out of Enumclaw...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Big-O Silver... Away!"

Best of The Man
Cleanup aisle 3

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Best.WallMart.Greeter.Ever.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
THis has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the vid, but does anyone know if it's ok to use handi-wipes on a computer screen?

Best of Shayne
Much like John Edwards campaign - looking pretty, but going nowhere.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm on my way to a Ron Paul campaign event, and I'm in a hurry. Outta the way!"

Best of Snarkyone
Why don't her boobs bounce? Only her plastic surgeon knows for sure.

Best of Submariner
V. - next video, leave us the code to make the horse change from a gentle trot to a full-out gallop.
Please?

* Apologeez for steelin' ur bandwidth

NASCAR... So Much Cooler Than San Francisco

Sondra K

The newly elected mayor of Talladega Alabama celebrates his victory. Meanwhile, in San Francisco, Gavin Newsom celebrates by sharing organic herbal tea at the Patrice Lumumba Lesbian Marxist Atheist Collective and later pays a trannie hooker to shove a microphone up his butt.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Nope, I'm not runnin' for nothin'. I just like standing up here and shooting these things."

Best of Kyle Busch
Jimmy was happy with the win but deep down he was thrilled knowing later this evening he would get a 2-fer from his lover and teammate Jeff Gordon. (Remember: 24 goes into 48 two times.....)

Best of Cybrludite
You know, one day an archeologist is going to dig that trophy up and claim it's an arifact from a primative fertility cult.

Best of Double the U
They took the trophy away shortly after this when it was discovered the reason he won was because all the other cars had their tires shot out.

Best of Army of Mom
Coincidence that both my names are slang for my massive male appendage? I think not.

The Foster Grants Brigade

Sondra K

1. Iran's Carrie Donovan fan club still declares Old Navy fashion fleeces "fabulous."

2. "Ahmed is keeping all the best camels for himself!"

3. Boy bands attract a different demo in the Middle East.

4. "Ali, you may be 'confident, confident,' but since the wind is from the east, by Allah, you are not 'dry and secure.'"

5. NO CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER. IZ NOT HALAL!
Best of metalgarth
Don't you wish your prophet was hot like me!!!!!!

Best of Jack Reacher
Ron Paul supporters celebrate his fund-raising success.

Best of Jack Reacher
In later years, members of ZZ Top were drawn to political causes...

Best of andthenblammo!
'WE MUST FIGHT......FOR THE RIGHT......TO PAAAAARRRTTTY!'

Best of duke of red
Who drew the cartoon this time?

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
All da Sunnis in da house say YE-AH!

Best of Cybrludite
"Freebird!"

Best of ThatGayConservative
Kooksinich gets civilian support for his impeachment resolution.

Best of Van Helsing
Blue light special on suicide belts at the K-Mart in Ramallah.

It Captions Itself

Michelle Malkin:


Yeah, you're too dumb to master "Measure Twice, Letter Your Sign Once," but you've ingeniously figured out that 9-11 was an inside job.

Best of AJ
I'm just as surprised about the remote control plane theory as this guy was about the fact there was more than one plane.

Best of Jack Reacher
JOK IZ ON U; I CANZ VOTE!

Best of sonicfrog
I interrogated my TV remote control - stuffed it between the couch cushions for several hours - but it still maintains he and his relatives had nothing to do with 9-11. Of coarse, I didn't try waterboarding since I knew I would need the remote later on....

Best of The Man
Remote Control? I knew Ken Ober was somehow behind all that 9/11 stuff.

You don't have to be a complete retard to be editor-in-chief of the New York Times, but it helps.

1. Every once in a while, Pinch Sulzberger's finger movements betray the fact that his mother was a Ferengi.

2. "News, reviews, lifestyle stories and editorials aren't really enough. We have to figure out how to make our advertising veer far-left."

3. "Fine, I'll just pull my own damn finger then."

4. "Do I look like a complete tool? You guys would tell me if I looked like a complete tool, wouldn't you?"

5. "So, anyway, I'm in the bath house, oiled up and ready for action, when this big ol' bear walks up, this big around with balls hangin' down to here..."

Best of metalgarth
Sulzberger never did quite get the hang of drinking tea like a proper nancy boy and had the sprains to prove it

Best of Jack Reacher
"Pinch, you don't have to do that every time someone uses the word 'vogue'."

Best of Van Helsing
Fortunately the picture doesn't show his pants, which match the suspenders.

Best of Rodney Dill
Air iPod was the natural progression from Air Guitar.

Best of Shayne
"...and voila! See? It disappears into thin air, just like my credibility. And my moral compass. And my subscribers..."

Best of Jay Guevara
Pinch Sulzberger, aka "Exhibit A," speaking before the House committee investigating corporate nepotism.

Best of Army of Mom
Sulzberger falls far short of successfully doing the MySpace Face complete with pout and finger gesture.

Best of Tim
Sometimes the nurses would let the "disabled" children dress up and pretend to have jobs. But the process ended after one patient swallowed his suspenders.

Best of lawhawk
Larry King can get away wearing suspenders. You, Pinch, are no Larry King.

Felonious Polonius

Van Helsing
1. The real secret to the Clinton marriage? Bill's sex addiction is equally matched by Hillary's lesbo-voyeurism.

2. In this version of the Wizard of Oz, the man behind the curtain turns out to be the Wicked Witch of the North.

3. Terrified that Tim Russert might ask her a tough question, the Democrat front-runner hides behind the curtains.

4. When the stress of being First Lady got to be too much to bear, Hilldog would hide under Janet Reno's skirts and sniff her underwear.

5. "That's right Vince. Just sit down at your desk like you always do. That's right. There's nobody in the office but you. You're totally safe. No one's waiting in the curtains with a loaded .38. That's right. That's right." /Click!/ ...

Best of Army of Dad
A doting parent, HIllary always personally supervised when Chelsea's friends slept over.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
The razor-sharp blade clove her in twain so fast that she still had a smile on her face as half her body slumped to the floor.

Best of duke of red
I'M IN UR CURTAINS, PLOTTIN TEH DESTRUCTION OF UR CUNTRY.

Best of Rodney Dill
Good, good, the glaciers are coming together.

Best of Army of Mom
Ok, who's the jackass who thought it would be funny to make the curtains the same color and fabric as Monica's stained dress? Must smile and act like I didn't notice.


Best of GOP & College
These curtains are as blue as Bill's balls were after I found out about Monica.