More "Ripped from the Banner" Caps

1. "I warned her not to go to the press with those Hillary '08 campaign files."

2. "Why didn't you duck when Dick Cheney shouted 'Quail!'"

3. "I found another Lindsey Lohan in the underbrush."

4. Defying the meme of his laziness, Fred Thompson buries his whores personally.

5. And another Democrat voter is "escorted" to the polls.

Best of The Man
Senator Kennedy, you left this in your car

Best of Rodney Dill
"STELLA!!!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Tor find client for Senator Edwards."

Best of Whacko
"Dang! I cut my hand on those really sharp boobs!"

Best of lawhawk
A walk down memory lane for Bill and Hillary.

Best of Submariner
We-elllll, the transmission said "Mars Needs Women!"

Best of gregory
"I'm gonna need bigger socks for this" Sandy thought to himself.

Best of Army of Mom
I loved her, hugged her and named her George.

Scene from a Rom Com Zom

1. "Zombies? Damn it! I knew they were too hot to be Code Pinkos!"

2. "Really, dude, how could we follow this up with Hot Fuzz. That movie sucked."

3. "Dude, first you put my Hillary Clinton fembot in a schoolgirl outfit, then you asked her a question about illegal immigration? Dude, you know that makes her bleed from her mouth!"

4. "Basically, they just shuffle around muttering 'universal health care' and 'comprehensive immigration reform.' They're completely brain-dead. But enough about the Democratic congress, how are we going to deal with these zombies?"

5. "I had to make them go outside. All they ever did was sit at the computer and spam 'Ron Paul' onto online polls."

Best of Jack Reacher
"They're suicide bombers. They're back because, well, they said the 72 virgins waiting for them all looked like Helen Thomas crossed with Maureen Dowd."

Best of Whacko
"Look, one of your 'friends' over there took my pocket protector and horn-rimmed glasses and I want them back!"

Best of Army of Mom
Are you sure you want to wait in the line for the Tower of Terror? Some of the people ahead of us look like they've been waiting a loooooong time.

Best of Army of Mom
Check out that chick back there. Now I know how the Code Pink whacko got her fingers covered in blood.

Best of Army of Mom
Why didn't you tell me it was 'undead day' at work? I would've left the tie at home.

Best of Army of Mom
No, you can't leave them in my garage. Does it have a sign in front saying "zombie storage?" No.

The Axe Effect

Timmah!

1. "Billy's been touching himself, daddy. Can I cut his hands off?"

2. "How cute! Little Ali is only four years old and already can't wait to honor-kill his sister for text messaging a kuffir."

3. "Um, Honey? How much did you like that cat, anyway?"

4. "He's been brainwashed to lop off exposed nads. Let's take him to the Folsom Street Fair.

5. "O.K. Fine. The next time Gage gets hit by a tanker truck, I won't bury him in the Pet Cemetery."

Best of Kaptain
"No, I didn't get him "an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and 'this thing' which tells time." He would put his eye out. This is just as good.

Best of The Man
Show Jimmy what we do to people who turn 18 here in the corn field.

Best of Van Helsing
"Little Suzie won't give you a kiss? Take this and ask her again."

Best of the paperboy
He's only two, but he can already carve an exact likeness of Nancy Pelosi out of a fermented apple using nothing but a hatchet. Watch...

Best of Jack Reacher
A telling glimpse at Billy Bob Thornton's childhood.

Best of Silhouette
There's nothing quite like the Ed Ames - Johnny Carson home game.

Best of Submariner
"here kitty, kitty, kitty..."

Best of prince of leaves
"Pass the bill or I'll chop off your kneecaps!" Stung by the mawkish hypocrisy of the Graeme Frost debacle, House Democrats roll out a slightly more, er, "persuasive" poster child for S-CHIP.

Best of GOP & College
Little John was trained like a hawk to attack if some one successfully performed the goat.

Best of Rodney Dill
"LEEEEROYYY JENKINSSS!!!

Best of Army of Mom
ANF- acronym for: Annoying Numnuts Father
1892 - Number of DUI's

Wholesome Halloween Activities

Americana
1. The adults were a little concerned about his home life when Billy punched out the eyeholes and muttered 'That's what happens to dirty, dirty whores.'

2. "What do you think, does it look more like Hillary or Pelosi?"

3. Gallant cleverly reused the eye cut-outs to make demon horns. Goofus was thinking about going American Pie on the mouth hole.

4. "This is really going to scare the crap out of people when I drop them on cars from the I-96 overpass."

5. "It's a good thing they don't know what I'm going to do with those pumpkins," Billy's scoutmaster thought.

Best of The Man
With a zero tolerance policy at school towards knives, the students were forced to carve pumpkins with used syringes from the "shoot-up safely" program.

Best of Jack Reacher
When the Livonia Police Department was ordered by the feds to use a race-neutral Identi-Kit, it resulted in a warrant issued for Stewie Griffin.

Best of Silhouette
Sure, we didn't send him to kindergarten until he was 14. But he's getting straight A's, isn't he? Who looks foolish now?

Best of Submariner
They's, ummmm, pumpkin pie, and pumpkin roll, and pumpkin soup, and...

Best of GOP & College
"KNIFE ON CAMPUS! TAKE HIM DOWN TAKE HIM DOWN!!!"

The Time When the Hideous Ghouls Come Out

Large Reptiles


(I wanna use the classic "BRAINS!!!" caption, but I can't get past the fact that we're talking about a Code Pinko here.)

1. Lady MacBeth confronts Condi.

2. "And I was so angry to denounce the BushHitler Cabal that I didn't even wash my hands when I got off my shift at Planned Parenthood."

3. "Fact of the Day: Cats don't have nine lives!"

4. Condi was unimpressed. "When Dick Cheney rips out a man's still-beating heart, his hands stay clean."

5. "Look, I rescued Lemmiwinks from John Edwards's a$$!"

Bestest of duke of red
"If this was fifty years ago, we'd have you hanging upside down, with a fork up your a$$!"

Bestest of Double the U
YOU! You left the ketchup packet on the seat in Burger King DIDN'T YOU?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Bloody mimes!

Best of Van Helsing
Condi ignored the apparition, assuming that it couldn't possibly be real.

Best of Nicholas
"Look! To decrease my carbon footprint I've stopped buying tampons. What have you done, Condi?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I got my B.A. at the age of 19, MS in poli sci at 20, and PhD in Political Science at 26."
"Um, I smear red paint on my hands and scream at people."
"Well, that's nice, too."

Best of prince of leaves
Condi thought bubble: "Out, OUT, damned twat!"

Best of Submariner
C-Baby's thought bubble; "Must.Control.Fist.Of.Death."

Best of Dave P
Jazz hands!

Best of Tim
Members of the Elder Party try and convert another high level politician to Cthulu's side.

Somebody Please Drop a House on Her

Van Helsing


1. "Hey, somebody check the thermostat. It's as cold as my t!ts in here."

2. "Yeah, I'd do Susan Sarandon, but I'd be thinking of Michelle Pfeiffer."

3. "Missing children in Chappaqua? Don't know a thing about it. DING! Oops, there's the oven timer."

4. "And then, as the Horned One and I were laying in the Afterglow, he whispered in my ear about socializing health care...."

5. "Bill, why should you even give a damn if I always role-play the same character? It's not like you're ever there."

Best of Bubbalove
The Wicked Witch of the West tips her hat as Satan walks in and says, "Hill, dKos and I are worried about some things.."

Best of The Man
Ding Dong....
Dammit it's that kid dressed up as Ron Paul again. He rings, get's candy, and leaves then comes right back and rings again.

Best of Rodney Dill
Here's your hat, what's your hurry?

Best of GregMan
"Bring me the One True Ring! And kill and cook the hobbits!"

Best of Mr. Right
Well, now, this certainly would explain that laughof hers, wouldn't it?

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'll tax your wages, your investment income, your house, your purchases, your sales...oh, yeah; YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO!"

Best of divine miss m
"I'll get you, my Pretty...and your little navy dress, too!"

Best of prince of leaves
...but then the Sorting Hat, unable to choose in good conscience a House to inflict her on, instead simply sent Hillary into the unending dimension of magical nothingness.

Best of Submariner
Bubba, what EXACTLY do you mean when you say "How do I like what costume?"

More Bad Seed Saturday

1. "Fact of the Day, Cats don't have nine lives."

2. "Ia, Cthulhu F'tagn!"

3. "And there will be Universal Health Care, even if I have to personally kill everyone who stands in my way!"

4. "Where's cousin Oliver, you ask? Which part of him?"

5. "So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, adieu..." and then, she whipped out an AK-47.

Best of ThatGayConservative
Swiss Miss Instant Death
with marshmallows.

Best of Submariner
"And in my vision of the 2000's, socialism will have become the norm under a Democrat led Congress and the nation will finally be ready for a Womyn President."
Hillary Rodham practises a speech for grammar school delivery, circa 1956.

Best of Submariner
Woody Allen? Your prom date's here...

Best of Tim
The bordello specialized in amputee call girls.

Best of prince of leaves
"Daddy, that naughty Becky Swinton was teasing me and made me cry. Can I borrow the key to the woodchipper?"

Best of prince of leaves
"I don't think you understand me, Mommy. You buy me the new dress...or all of Smithville finds out about why you've been spending so much time in the barn with the new Clydesdale."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Dad, the Federal Election Commission is on the phone. They want to know about my $2,000 donation to the Clinton campaign. What do I tell them?"

Best of Anonymous, possibly Steve-O
I wish Mommy hadn't taken that thalidomide, but at least I can keep up with Flipper.

Bad Seed Saturday

1. "I warned you not to spam 'Ron Paul'on the MSNBC poll."

2. Her head spinning with the scent of toilet water, the touch soft but firm thighs beneath her breasts, the sting of pain and ecstasy... a young Hillary Rodham experiences an erotic awakening.

3. "Thank you, sir. May I have another?"

4. "I told you 'no freebies,' not even if she is the junior senator from New York."

5. Cindy Brady learns the hard way not to refer to Alice as 'that bull-dyke bitch.'

Best of prince of leaves
"This'll teach you to make my burger with frozen meat!" Wendy learns at a young age the value of Fresh, Never Frozen.

Best of Jack Reacher
"The next time the F.E.C. asks if you made that Clinton donation with your own money, YOU SAY YES!"

Best of Mr. Right
"...And don't EVER let me catch you hanging out on that bastard V the K's filthy blog header again!"

Best of Robert
You know, spanking this kid is satisfying in its own way. To hell with Dr. Spock.

Best of Snarkyone
Rehearsing for the Folsom Street Fair was demanding, but Mistress
was determined not to be outdone by other doms.

Best of ThatGayConservative
"How many times do I have to tell you? NO MORE INVISIBLE HANGERS!!!"

Best of duke of red
When Papa's not available, Mommy SPANK!!

Dumbledore's Influence

1. "Yeah, I wasn't surprised either. I always thought Dumbledore had a 'wide stance.'"

2. Instead of foreplay, Harry justs points his wand at Draco's groin and incants, "Equus Enlargeus."


3. "Draco, I don't know how I'd even get out of bed if I couldn't see your sweet a$$ every morning."

4. "Creepy... Dumbledore was hanging out in the showers again doing 'wand inspections.'"

5. "Judging from the screams, I'm guessing Dumbledore forgot the Astroglide and decided to just 'go cowboy' on Ron Weasley."

Best of prince of leaves
"Harry, I've been thinking...what about bringing a house-elf into our relationship?"

Best of Snarkyone
Draco wants to keep his little Parselmouth all to himself.

Best of Robert
Perhaps we could talk to Professor Snape about an enlarging potion.

Best of Submariner
Don't be sad Draco...
After Hagrid, well, nobody is very "filling..."

Best of Submariner
Harry? Don't you think it time to remove the license plate?

Best of ThatGayConservative
"Harry, why is the Golden Snitch in there?"

The Low Spark of High Heeled Kryptonians

Brender

1. "High heels, check. Duct tape, check. ... man, throw in a shaved beagle and this is turning into that date I had with Sullivan."

2. "Hey, Larry, is my stance wide enough? Give me the 'palm's up' signal if my stance is wide enough."

3. Hillary dedicated her first term to getting even with men for '2000 years of patriarchal oppression.' Mandatory high heels laws were just the start.

4. "If John Edwards isn't the next president, I'll just die!"

5. Rick just never got the hang of "the rabbit chases the fox through the hole..."

Best of The Man
Now everyone run to the mall and act irrational.

Best of Whacko
I looked in my "1,001 Uses for Duct Tape" book. This isn't in there.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
You don't tug on Superman's cape... or he'll scratch your eyes out.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"If I'm gonna fly around all over, I'm gonna do it with style and sass!"

Best of metalgarth
Least... Collectible... Issue... Ever...

Best of attmay
ORA: "Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels!"

Best of Submariner
Whoa - Jeff Garcia appears to taking his press clippings a bit too seriously...

Best of prince of leaves
Despite his powers, even Superman had to take special precautions against the homicidal footwear-collecting compulsions of The Fetishist.

Best of lawhawk
John realized that going to a podiatrist under Hillary's health care plan might be impossible, so he had to improvise.

Best of Mr. Right
♫ I'm super... Thanks for asking... ♫

Best of Anonymous Steve O
If this is what happens to SUPERMAN, then what does a Clinton presidency do for the REST of us?!!

Best of sonicfrog
It's well known throughout the galaxy that Kryptonians had horrible fashion sense. Some even postulate that their planet exploded in disgust over this very issue.

Pull My Finger

1. "BRING THOSE CHEEZBURGERS TO ME. I COMMANDZ IT."

2. Once she learned she could kick his a$$, River was always pointing and laughing at Jayne's hat... well, pointing anyway.

3. "You've been a naughty, bad, junior senator. Mistress River commands you to smell her finger."

4. "Serenity Now!"

5. "OH I C. IZ LIKE PEENIS ONLY SMALLERS. K THX BAI." Best of Army of Mom
Where do you want the couch now? Are we done rearranging furniture yet?

Best of Army of Mom
Kobe, he's open.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Wednesday Addams is lookin' kinda hot.

Best of divine miss m
"That one, the one they call Submariner...have him bathed and shaved and brought to my tent!"

Best of attmay
"Um, you want me to act like the evil monkey from Family Guy? Seriously? Okay that's fifty bucks to start, seventy-five if you want me to make the face."

Best of prince of leaves
"After the accident at the taffy factory, my arm was seven feet long. John Edwards got me ten billion dollars in the worker's comp settlement. Thank you, John Edwards!"

Best of gregory
Full extent of a Goth Cheerleader routine.

Best of Submariner
Drop the giant Nike ball on THAT car...

Best of Whacko
Angelina selects another orphan.

Best of Jack Reacher
"CDs are over there. You can pay for them with your latte."

Best of Jack Reacher
Senator Clinton had the nightmare again, where a strange woman points out newly-discovered Rose Law Firm records.

Love at First Bite

1. "One moment, Senator Clinton was offering to 'Personally thank us for our support.' The next thing I knew, I woke up with fangs and an endless thirst for human blood and higher taxes."

2. One of Riker's milder holodeck fantasies involved a three-way with Counselor Troi and Kaylee Frye.

3. "Women should not take v!4gr4 or handle broken pills, as this can lead to a certain type of vampirism."

4. The smelly pirate hookers stroked the long, hard, black pole... eager for Barack Obama's imminent arrival.

5. "Anal beads and a feather boa? What else did you pick up at John Edwards 21,000 square foot garage sale?"

Best of The Man
Democrats like to use props such as poor little kids who don't have health care. For tax reform they pull out these to show the middle class what they can expect for the next 4 years.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Well yeah, I'll let you do that to me... but NO TEETH!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"No, it's not that you're dead that turns me off to the idea...it's more the whiff of guano from your restroom..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Shhhh... You had me at 'I vant to suck your'"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Valerie recalls the time she preyed on Senator Kennedy... and subsequently failed the breathalyzer at the checkpoint coming home.

Best of Submariner
Most people would show their conscineces as a little devil and a little angel on opposite shoulders. Shrillary, on the other hand...

Best of Submariner
Wogs on both sides of the aisle were surprised when Hillary Clinton announced that she had put Tim Burton under contract to film all campaign ads for the primaries.

Best of Van Helsing
But then Shrillary woke up, crestfallen that it was only a dream.

Best of sonicfrog
You CAN'T suck blood from a bed post!!! Jeeze, I guess when you become un-dead, you don't become un-blonde.

Best of sonicfrog
Tilda's lookin' a little chubby. That's what happens when you stuff yourself with too much Michael Moore.

Land of the Giant BALLS!!

wacha

1. Hillary's are bigger.

2. Sensing Jefferson was at the Nooddi Bar again, Marcy planned an elaborate revenge.

3. You just know somehow Mountain Dew was involved in this.

4. Little known facts about The Prisoner: Rover's brother was a soccer hooligan.

5. Tragically, Janene Garofalo was not in the car at the time of the accident.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Ironically, "Nooddi Nooddi" is Thai for "Watch for falling ginormous soccer balls"

Best of Mr. Right
"Oh, my God! It's Kasey Kahne! Kasey, we love you..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"That's a hella-big stickshift knob ya got there, Ernie."

Best of Mr. Right
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Well there's yer problem right there..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
God does not play dice with the universe... but watch out for that bank shot!

Best of Mr. Right
The continuing investigation into Princess Diana's death takes a strange and disturbing turn...

Best of Mr. Right
Chrysler introduces its latest model... The Dodge Ball!
[Groan all you like... I'm not deleting it!]

Best of Submariner
I take it that Smashmouth didn't like the sedan we sent over?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Kobe, I'm ope... NO NOT OPEN, ABORT, ABORT..."

Best of Rodney Dill
Due to a media type-o, no one ever found out that the Clinton's secret weapon to beat the Republicans in 1992 was Soccer Bombs.

Best of Kaptain
"A large, round object that ruins cars? Hell, I was married to that for a while!" Tom Arnold was not impressed.

Best of AJ
See...this is why Americans don't like soccer.

Best of curly
Although land was cheap, living next to the Jolly Green Giant’s soccer field did have its disadvantages.

Best of the paperboy
Confucious Say: He who stand in front of car get tired. He who stand behind car get exhausted. He who stand on top of car get bald.

Every Single Meeting With His So-Called Superior Is Like This

The Man

(It's a free-for-all. Have at it).
Best of Submariner
I didn't know Travis Twitt was a Yankees fan...

Best of Submariner
Well, she's obviously not a smelly Pirates hooker; I'm just sayin'...

Best of Double the U
After being kicked out of all Waffle House's Kid Rock rocked moved on to eating a strip bars, and managed to piss off people their also.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"And it's a line shot, right up the middle..."

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
She's looking a a little pastie...

Best of lawhawk
Today's lesson in radio usage of words: balls.
It's okay to say that Roberto Clemente has 2 balls and a strike, but it's not okay to say that Joe Smith was hit in the balls.

Best of Kaptain
Auditions for "Fever Pitch 2" do not go well.

Best of Kaptain
The echo of Nelson Muntz's jeering laugh reverberated in Travis' ears for a long, long time.

Best of divine miss m
Jack rued the day he said, "I'd give my left nut to see the Yanks in the Series this year."

Best of Army of Mom
Someone stole my Synchronicity reference. *pouting*

Best of Rodney Dill
Ned's alienated girlfriend would knee him in the groin everytime he farted. This would later become the known as The Curse of No Beano

Best of the paperboy
You still wanna hit that?

Quirque de Soleil Moon Fry

Army O' Mom


1. "Welcome to the 2008 Democratic convention! Starring Hillary Rodham! Whoopi Goldberg! Katie Couric! And featuring the John Edwards Dancers!"

2. "I CAN HAS BAREBACKS?" (LOLSULLY never caught on like LOLCATS)

3. Gallant: "What an exceptional display of strength and balance!" Goofus: "FAGS!"

4. The women and gays were already impressed, but to engage the male audience, the guy on top had to shoot flames out of his a$$.

5. Beijing officials prepare for the Olympics. "The two on the bottom are slightly asymmetrical, have their families rounded up and tortured."

Best of Van Helsing
Guy on top: "Jeez Bruce, I really wish you'd stop waxing your head."

Best of GOP & College
SULLY CAT WANTZ!

Best of sonicfrog
Hey, John, remember that time in college when we got really drunk and played naked vertical twister? Well, Josh got some pictures and, say, you're not running for anything, are you?

Best of sonicfrog
Man, I didn't realize gay sex in France was so... complicated!

Best of prince of leaves
...And then Tarzan awoke from the dream, ashamed but vaguely aroused.

Best of prince of leaves
And in entertainment news, Billy Corrigan has been cast as the villain in Ang Lee's "Mad Max 4: Brokeback Apocalypse".

Best of Double the U
After getting rid of the IRS and the Federal Reserve, Ron Paul wants this engraved on the back of each coin.

Best of Whacko
They were supposed to "disappear" but for some reason, David Copperfield never came back on stage.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No we're not real cirque du soleil performers, but we did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night... with Larry Craig... and Johnny Weir..."

Best of divine miss m
The White Man Group.

Best of prince of leaves
"Come on, CompUSA, I've done everything you've asked...can I just have my damned mail-in rebate already?"

Best of Submariner
"I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots."

Best of Submariner
Oh for the love of... won't the lamestream media EVER quit publishing Abu Ghraib photos?!?

Folsom Family Entertainment

Timmeh!

1. "By the power vested in me by the state of Massachusetts..."

2. Aroused by the smell of your own flatulence? Folsom has a place for you, too!"

3. "Mom? Dad? I'd like you to meet the love of my life. His name is Rick, but I call him 'Filthy Worm.' We met in a chat room."

4. Dr Neil Clark Warren's worst nightmare.

5. "What a coincidence! I also loved musical theater in high school!"

Best of Cricket
We met in a bar on Tatooine...

Best of Rodney Dill
Finally a device devised to muzzle James Carville.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Valerie Plame and Jessie McBeth go deep undercover for their next covert mission.

Best of Tim
Maus has trouble adjusting to civilian life after spending years in the concentration camps.

Best of GOP & College
"The Trojans will beat Stanford," you said. "It's a sure bet you said..."

Best of metalgarth
Slipknot's fanbase has gotten kinder and gentler over the years

Best of Submariner
Oh, so THAT'S how Inflated Scrotum Guy does it...

Best of prince of leaves
"This is Bob Barker, reminding you to have your freaks spayed or neutered."

Best of Whacko
"The gas mask? Yeah, it's real. The cat here had fish burritos and chili for lunch."

Best of Submariner
Whoa! What in the heck did Eisner do to Disneyland?

Best of Submariner
You will PAY ATTENTION you little b@st@rds because Sesame Street is brought to you today by the letters S and M*. And you will LIKE it!

and the numbers 6 and 9.

Best of curly
Calamity ensued as all of the fags in attendance simultaneously tried to comb out the tangles in Fluffy’s hairball.

Hello, Dalai

Brender

1. "I can't believe they both pulled my finger! Woo-hoo!"

2. "See, now if y'all had passed my immigration plan, I coulda made this guy a citizen just for crossing the border. But, nope, you bigots who don't want what's best for America kept me from making an American out of the spiritual leader of a billion Buddhists. Stupid bigots! Not you, your holiness."

3. Surrounded by a complete void of soul and intellect, the Dalai Lama realized he had finally achieved Nirvana.

4. "... but a three-l lllama is a heckuva fire! Get it! Three l lllama? Three alarm... what the hell is wrong with you people."

5. The lama kept wondering why the strange dessicated zombie-woman kept asking if he had any donations for Hillary.

Best of Army of Dad
Notice that the Dali Lama has the good sense to keep his hand on his wallet when next to a Democrat. Or it could be his heart he is trying to protect.

Best of Jack Reacher
"He just asked what is the controlling legal authority for this meeting. Guy cracks me up!"

Best of mormonbradybunchdad
Now I know what it feels like to the shake hands with the devil!! Kind of tickles!!!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Mr. President, is there anything you can do to keep Richard Gere the F away from me?"

Best of Submariner
Stop me if you've heard this one - A Llama, a mummy and the President of the US walk into a reception together...

Best of baslim
You have a handful of what? Bearded clam jerky. You really do crack me up, your holiness, but you are one very sick and dangerous individual.

Best of duke of red
"Heh heh. Hey your holiness, Confucious say, Man who back into pantry get ass in jam. Geddit?"

Best of andthenblammo!
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day?? That's whut Ah call philosophy!

Best of attmay
♫ Hello, Dali, well hello, Dali ♫ C'mon, your holiness! You know the words!

Best of prince of leaves
"I'm glad to finally meet'ya, Dali! Man, the times we had back in college, gettin' wasted and staring at your weird paintings for *hours*!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Even though told he would be denied total enlightment, George couldn't resist calling the Dalai Lama, "Pookie," just one more time.

Best of metalgarth
Their plans to form a Rush tribute band were cut short because Nancy didn't have the schnoz to be a convincing Geddy Lee even after 30 or 40 botox sessions, Dalai Lama wasn't about to get drunk and start a fight on New Year's Eve in a bar in Florida and "W" learned all of Frank Beard's drum parts instead of Neal Peart's. "ZZ Top could kick those sissy Canuck's asses any day" he was overheard saying many years later.

What Is it with Obama and the American Flag?

Van Helsing


1. To appease the Democrat base, Hillary would claim she wasn't pledging allegiance, just looking for her lighter.

2. Obama would later claim he only failed to pledge allegiance because he was hypmotized by Silky Pony's amazing, lustrous, full-bodied, bouncin' and behavin' hair.

3. "We're comin' Elizabeth... except Obama!"

4. "I won't make a phony display of patriotism by saluting your racist imperial flag, but I will show the American people my real patriotism by whipping this out!"

5. "Gosh, John Edwards just spontaneously transmorgrified into a bunch of potted pansies," Hillary observed. "I wonder if anyone will appreciate the irony."

Best of Whacko
Obama only pledges allegiance to his package.

Best of Jack Reacher
Democrat presidential candidates respond to the question "Where does it hurt when you see the flag?"

Best of baslim
He's a Vulcan. That's where his hearts are. Read his story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"...and to the Republic for which it stands... One nation, **COUGH, COUGH**, indivisible, with justice and liberty for all."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Obama and the Bam-ettes try out some kickin' new choreography.

Best of Van Helsing
In a rare display of patriotism, Barack Abominable refrained from making fart sounds with his armpit while the National Anthem played.

Best of AJ
Clinton's plan shows itself as Obama reaches to scratch the rash she gave him last night.

Best of prince of leaves
"And through the wonders of Rearden Metal," Silky Pony intoned into the public address speakers from the press stand at a safe distance from the dais, "I bring you...Project X!"

Best of Mr. Right
The Senator reflexively covered himself in modesty while "Little Barack" stood at attention whenever the National Anthem was played.

Best of Rodney Dill
More bars in more locations.

Best of Rodney Dill
Just by looking smarter and more presidential than the other candidates, the petunia gained 10 points in the overnight polls.

Best of Submariner
The marigolds thought to themselves; "I'll never get used to the effect of engaging the Infinite Improbability Drive..."

Best of curly
“For the umma -- my heart. For the amerikkan infidel pigs – my pecker.”

Best of Jonathan
Obama's Des Moines Crips successfully capped the other three in their drive-by shooting.

Fat Assed Tractor Chick

Timmah!
1. Spinal Tap celebrates the 25 year anniversary of their hits "Sex Farm" and "Big Bottom" with a special double-CD.

2. "Help.... mom... can't... breathe..." This is was not going to look good on Britney Spears' custody case.

3. Because the suspension kept giving out on her Rascal, that's why.

4. If Britney had known about Home Depot's policy of not pursuing shoplifters, she wouldn't have had to cut through that kid's birthday party.

5. Rosie O'Donnell quickly soured on four-wheeling when it became apparent that jumps or speeds in excess of 4 mph weren't going to happen for her.

Best of Rodney Dill
Just when you thought everything that could go wrong for Britney had already happened, the thyroid condition kicked in.

Best of Whacko
Out in Nebraska, the women are so tough they can give birth right there on the tractor and never miss plowing a row.

Best of Submariner
...when Charlene sat around the farm, she sat around the farm.

Best of prince of leaves
After the Wal-Mart made it clear that they'd had enough of the constant equipment repairs, Charlene got a Social Security disability grant to buy her own, high-capacity shopping go-kart.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Einstein theorized the nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. Sometimes that's kinda obvious.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Pam, it's only 20 G.D. feet to the mailbox!"

Best of sonicfrog
The human race hase finally found a way to keep the evil Decepticons from transforming, thereby rendering them harmless.

Best of Mr. Right
Having snatched another unfortunate youngster from the herd at Kinder Care, Bertha sped off to enjoy her midday snack.

Best of Snarkyone
Thanks, momma! I haven't been mobile since the accident, but with this baby I can cruise Wal-Mart forever!

Best of curly
The real reason why Democrats get vaccinated before NASCAR events.

Best of Army of Mom
Mmmmmph was all little Sadie could say after Big Momma hit the brakes a little too hard when she heard the Ice Cream Man truck's music behind her.

Pelosi People

Timmah!


1. "I assure you, Mr. Sullivan, none of the other Jaffa wish to see your 'staff weapon.'"

2. "If he wins the election, John Edwards has promised to make me Secretary of Booty."

3. "Every time we take the kids to one of these Folsom Street Fairs, they demand spankings for weeks afterwards."

4. Before their falling out, Chancellor Palpatine and Mace Windu used to enjoy hanging out together at the Coruscant Street Fair.

5. "I also agree those freaks from the Christian Right are scary. Why don't we continue this conversation in my apartment while I crush your nutsak in a hot waffle iron?"

Best of Capt. Queeg
"I get a lot of my ideas from a website called 'Nad Shot'. Ever hear of it?"

Best of lawhawk
Bill and Ted no longer cared where Carol and Alice were as their true affections became apparent.

Best of Army of Dad
Here the Silky Pony is telling this young man just how great this facial feels.

Best of prince of leaves
In a not-too-distant dystopian future, muttaween patrol the streets of the San Francisco Free State, delivering swift and merciless punishment to those who exhibit insufficient depravity.

Best of prince of leaves
Hiro discovers another surprising fact about Takezo Kensei that didn't make it into the legends.

Best of The Man
Tase me bro! TASE ME!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"T'ealc?"
"Daniel Jackson?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I am Dorkicus!"

Best of the paperboy
Worf?
Data? This is indeed a most disturbing alternate reality.

Best of the paperboy
So... YOU'RE my prom date???

Best of Submariner
"I'm intrigued, Mayor Nagin; tell me more about this 'chocolate city' concept of yours..."

Best of Submariner
Uhhhhhhh, Speaker Pelosi? The botox is losing containment - you might want to put on the burka's headgear now...

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and are you prepared to learn the ancient Islamic art of making sheep anuses larger?"

Subtlety

Nad Shot


1. "Can You Say 'Rough Trade'?": From The Illustrated Kindergarten Sex Workbook, by Barack Obama.

2. On the left, Rush Limbaush. On the right, Harry Reid. Not really, but this is a pretty good metaphor for how that 'phony soldiers' smear-deal worked out.

3. "I said 'Turn your head and cough!'"

4. "Hillary won the election, mate. You won't be needing these any more."

5. Tired of the constant disagreements over etiquette, Goofus and Gallant come to blows.

Best of The Man
Sully demands foreplay.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The Punisher had finally had enough of K.D.Lang.

Best of curly
Joe loved his job as applicant screener for the Folsom Street Fair.

Best of curly
“You’re gonna contribute to the ‘Hillary For President’ campaign, aren’t you?”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In the future, sophisticated droids will be able to perform simple surgeries... like hemmorhoid removal.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I DETEST PEOPLE WHO CAN'T USE VOWELS!"

Best of duke of red
"Dammit, what was the safe word?!?!?"

Best of Submariner
Sully was confused; "Why is he called the Punisher?"

Best of Submariner
THAT'S no way to use a suppository!

Best of Double the U
So then Rush grabbed Harry Reid by the balls... like THIS...

Best of Jonathan
"Who...does...Number...Two...work...for???"

Zestfully Clean!

1. "Jan, this towel just asked me if I wanted to get high."

2, Hilldog personally scrubbed and disinfected her interns before and after NASCAR events... and most other campaign appearances, too.

3. "Senator Clinton, may we come out now? We think we've washed off all the forensic evidence."

4. "Wow! Senator Clinton! How long have you known about the 'pulsate' function on the shower head?"

5. "Jan, really, you can be so blond sometimes. I get that 'business' is so good we needed a second line, but that doesn't mean we needed a complete second phone for it."

Best of GOP & College
I CANZ PLAY WITH 2001 PARTZ? W00T!

Best of lawhawk
Scantily unclad women. The curiously refreshing exercise aid.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
What, they can just pull scenarios directly from my brain now?

Best of curly
“Say what you will about his Marxist politics, but Silky Pony’s organic oatmeal body gel does indeed make my skin feel vibrant, tingly and fresh!”

Best of curly
“Gee Congresswoman Nancy! I didn’t realize that you were just two girls shy of a Pelosi sandwich!”

(I just threw up in my mouth a little - C)

Best of divine miss m
WE CAN HAZ LOOFAH?!

Best of Mr. Right
WHY THE HOTEL GOT 5 STARS IN ALL THOSE BUSINESS TRAVELLER'S GUIDE BOOKS...
"Hi, we're with guest services. The front desk said you called and requested a couple extra bath towels. Shall we hang them on the towel rack for you, or just toss them over there on the bed?"

Best of AJ
At least their mouths aren't covered with anything...

Best of Army of Mom
Hillary's anniversary gift to Bill wasn't totally altruistic.
"I'll let you pick, Bill, and I get the other."

Best of Army of Mom
Barbie and Betty were fine until they saw the shock collar, robot dog and the duct tape.

Best of the paperboy
Ah, okay, lessee "'scuse me while I whip this off and finish your cat bath."

There's a Very Thin Line Between Stupid and Clever

Ellen DeGeneres got in even more trouble when she let her personal fembot adopt a RoboPuppy.

Best of AJ
Finally! Now we can program them *both* to get me a beer from the kitchen!

Best of The Man
With all that home schooling, it was no surprise that Vicki from Small Wonder turned out to be a raging whore.

Best of Van Helsing
Is that skirt made out of duct tape too?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Help me Aibo-one Kenobi, you're my only hope."

Best of Jack Reacher
Gallant apologized for the robot dog's humping behavior, while Goofus said "Hey, I'm with the dog on that one."

Best of Jack Reacher
There have been some changes on the set since Drew Carey began hosting The Price Is Right.

Best of curly
“What did you say, Lassie? Timmie fell into the Dell again?”

Best of the paperboy
In the year twenty-five twenty-five
A woman won't need a man to feel alive!

Best of the paperboy
Next on Modern Marvels: High Tech Sex.

Best of Steve O
Every geek's dream. A mechanical dog.

Best of Mr. Right
Sparky was programmed by his creator to always find the best place to bury a bone!

Duct Tape! Is There Anything It Can't Fix?

Brender


1. Janet Reno now devotes her volunteering time to helping recent immigrants learn moustache waxing.

2. ORA: 'Ow to speak Ellen James Society: "Noobs"

3. The Society of Patriotic Abstinent Lesbians turns out for a Columbus Day parade.

4. "Oh, and how am I supposed to know you're not a chupacabra? Keep the duct tape on and wait in line with the others, missy."

5. With the S-CHIP expansion, these illegal immigrants will be able to afford proper bulimia treatment.

Best of The Man
President Hillary inspects the crop of new interns for Bill

Best of Double the U
Hey, I wanted them to learn to speak English, but this is much better.

Best of curly
Duct tape – the other gag.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
SOTG imagines a time when we can tolerate our lefty friends from across the aisle.

Best of Zeke
Proper PC debate form.

Best of Jack Reacher
The Ramirez sisters' troubles were nearly solved. Now if they could just narrow their stance in the restrooms...

Best of Jack Reacher
IM IN UR KUNTRY, BYING CHINEEZ DUKT TAPE.

Best of Army of Mom
Producers finally found the way to make J Lo's next movie more appealing.

Best of Army of Mom
'Ow to speak Australian: happy marriage.

Best of Army of Dad
Women who can't vote and don't talk...just like the good old days.

Waka Chikka Waka Chikka

Sondra K
1. James Lileks new book: Feelin' the Groove: Grainy Pseudo-Porn from the Swingin' Seventies would prove to be his best seller yet.

2. Norm McDonald stars in Don't Tell Mom The Baby-Sitter's Horny. In theaters this Christmas.

3. "Topless polaroids? Well, you're still classier than those two 'wild and crazy guys' who boned us last weekend."

4. "So, what do you two chicks say I break out the fondue pot and we have a fromage-a-trois?"

5. Although some men may have been inhibited about having a three-way with their own underage nieces, Tom was a Kennedy.

Super Best of prince of leaves
Locke has a flashback to his swinging pre-baldness youth.

Best of Jack Reacher
"...and this is me and Sally Field in my Trans Am."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Well, I was going to get you Rush's letter off E-bay for your birthday, but that's like up to $65,000 now, so here's a picture of my sister getting out of the shower."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Gee Buster, you do look better in a mullet."
"... and with breasts."

Best of AJ
Tom Selleck is such a ladies man that even his stand-in gets threesomes

Best of The Man
Although some men may have been inhibited about having a three-way with their own underage cousins, Tom was from Kentucky

Best of prince of leaves
"And using a home-made attachment on my PET's daisywheel printer, I can 'scan' this here photo into digital form and share it with other swingers on something called a 'bee-bee-ess'. Cool, huh?"

Best of prince of leaves
This is one of those uncomfortable situations when you just gotta wonder whether HIS rug matches the drapes.

Best of Army of Mom
How about we play naked Twister after Welcome Back Kotter is over?

Why Grandma Looks Like a Leather Satchel

Timmah!
1. As night falls, Nancy Pelosi rises from her crypt and prepares to meet with Bashar Assad.

2. Like most of the Transformers, Bumblebee had a dark side. His involved a trail of dead Bulgarian hookers.

3. "Crap! Why does the phone always ring just when I'm getting into the Orgasmatron."

4. "I know, I know, get up onto the altar. Baal is an impatient god, yadda yadda yadda..."

5. Ludmilla exits the suspended animation chamber she entered in 1959 and is delighted to see that Soviet communism has indeed triumphed... in San Francisco anyway.
Best of Jack Reacher
"This one will do," said Hillary. "Ship it to 1600 Pennsylvania, and have the mail room hold it."

Best of Silhouette
Crazy Mamoud's Sharia-Compliant Tanning Salon didn't quite get the same results as Sunset Tan.

Best of curly
Fatima has perfected her toe tapping technique and mastered the wide stance, yet still has yet to see any action.

Best of andthenblammo!
ORA: "I'm sorry, Dave; but you and Dr. Poole have made such a mess of the Discovery One , I had to reanimate the cleaning lady early. Her name is Perini Scleroso, and I understand she doesn't speak a word of English; but I will reprogram the galley to produce cabbage roll paste.........

Best of Mr. Right
ORA... SCTV's Perini Scleroso checks out the merchandise at the grand opening of Tex and Edna Boil's Tan-O-Rama, formerly Tex and Edna Boil's Organ Emporium, where this weekend is cookout weekend, and Tex will be cooking up piggies on the grill while you're cooking up yourself inside one of their luxurious tanning beds!

Best of prince of leaves
"Vee need you for great Soviet science experiment, they say. Step into cryonics booth, Comrade Tarasova, they say. Forty years later, no Soviet Union, and a headache like a three-bottle vodka hangover. Should have stayed on collective farm, I say."

Best of Rodney Dill
Quizno's for vampires. MMmmmm... Toasty

Best of GregMan
We had the Six-Million Dollar Man: the Soviets had the Fifteen-Kopek Woman.

Best of AJ
Spare your hell-bound infidels with the new Insta-Virgin!

Best of jbinnout
Ron Popiel contracts with Putin to deliver personal nuclear generators to Iran. "Just set it and forget it!" (Babushka fuel rods not included)

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Call maitanence! The FAX is stuck on "babushka" again!"

I CAN HAS CAPCHUNS?

The Man and Yahoo News


1. "Sometimes I wonder if these morons are ever going to educate themselves about my story."

2. "Those idiots. I don't even like cheeseburgers."

3. The blogosphere's latest addition was even cattier than Andrew Sullivan.

4. "Click 'Ron Paul' refresh... Click 'Ron Paul' refresh... Click 'Ron Paul' refresh..."

5. "Sheesh, I can't believe she just emailed me her credit info. Should I just take the money now, or should I toy with her for a while first?"

6. "There, the last code is hacked. In thirty minutes, Moscow, Beijing, and Teheran will be smoking radioactive craters. "

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hmmmm... chinese catnip at 1/10 the cost... I wonder if there's a catch."

Best of Army of Mom
Fluffy's Google search: Kitty porn

Best of Capt. Queeg
STOOPID CRUNCHIE HUMAN MICES
FORMAT C

Best of Army of Mom
Fluffy's work was never finished as he sat staring, mesmerized for hours at his fish-filled aquarium screensaver.

Best of Rodney Dill
ROFLACUAHB
(Rolling On Floor Laughing And Coughing Up A Hair Ball)

Best of divine miss m
Toonces' driving improved dramatically after he discovered online door-to-door directions.

Best of prince of leaves
After tripping radio host Randi Rhodes, Felix aka "Catnip Brownshirt" brags about the deed in an online forum.

Best of andthenblammo!
This picture proves that your suspicions about Microsoft online tech support are well-founded.....

Best of Mr. Right
Scruffy, like most cats, preferred to play with the mouse for awhile before devouring it whole.

Best of Submariner
Dear Cat-House;
I never believed your letters until this REALLY happened to me!

Best of AJ
Nothing turns Mr. Kittles on more than watching some babes coughing on some hair balls.

"I Married a Sissy-Boy"

Sondra K


1. "Harok-ptui!"

2. Her: "The National Enquirer found out about your affair." Him: "Don't worry, Shatner will deny everything."

3. "Liz, your conditioner isn't properly pH balanced, that's why your hair is so limp and lifeless. Either that or the chemo."

4. "You have a kind face..."

5. Once again, CapThis! features hot girl-on-girl action.

6. "Hey, John-boy, why don't you do us both a big favor and channel John "Johnny Wadd" Holmes for once?"

7. "So, John, what's this I hear about you hiring Graeme Frost as your personal pool-boy? Don't we already have, like, six of those."

8. "I think I'll sue you last."

9. "No, it's your turn to wear the strap-on."

10. "When I show you the Queen of Spades, you will kill them. You will kill them all!"

Best of Van Helsing
A moment later he sucked her brains out through her eye socket and was sated for another day.

Best of curly
“Is that one of the ‘Two Americas’ in your pocket, or did Dennis Kucinich just walk into the room?”

Best of Whacko
John found out that a double Vulcan mind-meld worked much better than channelling.

Best of Army of Dad
John shows off his Ferengi side by getting his lobes rubbed.

Best of Zeke
Between the two of them they share one brain, a heart, and a small broken soul.

Best of Zeke
Elizabeth searched frantically for the reboot button after John was faced with another tricky illogical question from the press corp

Best of prince of leaves
"My only regret, John, is that I might not be there for you through the whole campaign, sticking up for you like a little boy's mother and making all the dirty personal attacks that you're too much of a violet to tackle yourself."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Remember, you are not gay! Not gay! Keeping saying it! Fake it until you make it!"

Best of Mr. Right
"Is that... is that hair gel?"

I Now Pronounce You...

Princess Sparkle Pony


1. And all this time, you thought "Princess Sparkle Pony" was John Edwards's Secret Service code name.

2. "Keep watching your hand, and when you start to see trails, that means that the acid has kicked in..."

3. ORA: "We will now repeat 'The Non-Conformists' Oath'..."

4. "Wonder Twin Powers... Activate!"

5. "... and the winner will take on reigning champion John Edwards. Let the Sissy Fight begin!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Gimme five!"

Best of Army of Mom
Your pimp slap is weak, Nancy. If you expect to keep Congress in line, you need to lose the princess wave thing you got going on there.

Best of mormonbradybunchdad
Needing a better facelife.

Best of Army of Mom
Ready to face off, Nancy and Condi? First one to buzz in and answer correctly chooses if you play or pass. Let's get ready to play the Family Feud!

Best of AJ
Not being able to control herself any longer, Nancy breaks the "invisible wall" and she and Condi engage in the most passionate lovemaking seen at the White House since the Eisenhower administration.

Best of curly
There’s nothing more pitiful than watching two Republican women perform the Macarena.

Best of curly
In another failed attempt to connect with her African-American roots, Condi hires a white woman to teach her how to dap.

Best of AJ
Right before their lesbian wedding vows are completed, Bush wakes up from the worst nightmare he's ever had.

Best of Zeke
High five me Condi, we are going to gang bang this clueless lug till the wheels fall off the wagon! Did you bring Madonna's strap-on?

Yeah, It's Cute As Heck, But I'm Still Gonna Caption It

Kaptain Krude

1. Gallant enjoyed the diversity of American culture. Goofus was transfixed by a breast the size of his head.

2. "Yeah, baby! Shake it, Don't break it!" Goofus loved showing off what he learned in Barack Obama's kindergarten sex ed.

3. "Yes, Billy, they are beautiful. It's a shame they're dirty, dirty whores fit only to be slit open with big sharp knives, their warm whore's blood slickening the filthy, filthy ground."

4."I notice the strategic positioning of your 'got milk' sticker turns 'Seminoles' into 'Semin.' Well done, old man."

5. "It's no use, dude. You know I can't get it up when I'm baked."

Best of Double the U
Billy, my balls just dropped.... and it feels good.

Best of curly
Long time ass man Billy’s lecherous smile finally appeared when the cheerleaders faced the other direction.

Best of curly
“Mom, this is boring…When do the cheerleaders for the Toronto Maple Leafs come out?”

Best of prince of leaves
One of these boys was raised in a La Leche household -- can you tell which one?

Best of sonicfrog
My prediction for the future? Billy will grow up normal, Bobby will have diva issues.

Best of AJ
While Jimmy stares at the girls, Bobby looks off at the mascot and decides that he's going to make a list of people he wants dead, starting with that damn flying gorilla.

Best of GOP & College
Right: "What's this tingling?"
Left: "Just go with it. Trust me."

Best of Whacko
"Watch this, Timmy, I'm gonna show her my "O" face."

New Addition to the Carter-Arafat Club

1. Gorefus was still miffed they didn't let him pose in the Western Hemisphere where Florida looked like his schlong.

2. "... and another push-pin for Monaco, and two for Cannes," Gorefus obsessively marks all the places he ass-raped Leo di Caprio.

3. "After we have solidified our position in Czechoslovakia, I expect Poland to fall within 40 days, then we will push on into Russia before the Winter!"

4. "Hey, the Earth's bald spot is almost as big as mine!"

5. Coincidentally, the same day the Earth had the best weather ever, Gorefus swelled to the size of his own ego and soon perished in the harsh vacuum of space.

Best of Sean Gleeson
"Also, in the future, there will be no ice cream. You'll just be holding an empty cone, like this."

Best of Sean Gleeson
"I have appeared in numerous major motion pictures. In this scene from The 40-Year-Old Virgin, that's me, to the right of the Universal logo."

Best of The Man
And then Al Gore collected all the world's nuclear weapons in a big net and threw them into the sun.

Best of The Man
Al Gore and Justin Timberlake's skit titled *ick in a Temperate Sustainable Ecosystem failed to produce any internet buzz.

Best of Whacko
"I'm too sexy for my planet ...."

Best of Kevin Walker
"... and another push pin for Norway." the Goracle obsessevely marks all of the places he ass raped science.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Actually I think the answer is closer to 43."

Best of Rodney Dill
"... and then I invented the Nobel Peace prize."

Best of Frank_IBC
...I want a g*dd**n concerted effort to come out of a record that isn't a f**king up-tempo record every time I gotta do a g*dd**n global warming lecture! It's the last g*dd**n time; I want somebody who uses his f**king brain to not come out of a go*dd**n record... that's up-tempo and I've got to talk about a f**king planet dying!...Boy, is this f**king ponderous man...ponderous, f**king ponderous.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yes, I put my elbow on Africa, and there's no controlling legal authority to tell me I can't."

Best of prince of leaves
Unable to resist smacking down his smarmy self-importance, Gaia sneaks into the Nobel award ceremony and gives St. Al a wedgie of planetary proportions.

Best of Submariner
Moments after sighting the Goreacle, the Fantastic 4 left the Baxter buiding to battle this hideous threat to the Earth's very existence.

Best of curly
Al new he was getting big when:

a. his shadow covered two continents;
b. he technically qualified to become a solar system;
c. he threatened to bitch slap Ghia if she didn’t cool down;
d. the tin foil hat crowd began referring to him as The Great Mother Ship.

Best of sonicfrog
So in love with the sound of his own voice, the former vp didn't even notice the enraged planet stalking him from behind, poised for the attack.

With Its Teeth, Dear

Timmah!
1. I CAN HAS CHUM?

2. Bill never figured out why Hillary agreed to let him take a scuba trip with Jaquelyn Mackie Paisley Passey until it was too late.

3. Steve Irwin's daughter aspired to follow in her father's footsteps, and in a way, she did.

4. "Look, honey! The Coeur de la Mer! We're rich!"

5. Still safer than standing between Chuck Schumer and a TV camera.

Best of lawhawk
John Edwards and Barack Obama don't quite realize they're well and truly finished as Hillary inches up behind them.

Best of ThatGayConservative
"We're gonna need a bigger....oh s@#&!"

Best of metalgarth
Cover Illustration for 1st year Law School text book: "FINDING YOUR CLIENTS"

Best of The Man
Stay here honey, maybe the photographer is swimming away to get a wider angle.

Best of Army of Dad
"Candygram"

Best of Army of Mom
I told you to stop and ask for directions. But, do you ever listen to me? Noooooo. So, here we are in the wrong part of the ocean ...

Best of curly
Seconds later, Superhero Rosie O'Dumbell saved the day by hopping into the water and killing the shark and all of the aquatic life within a two mile radius.

Best of Submariner
Behind us? Don't fret - regardless of what it looks like, Rosie just rolled off her boat again...

Best of AJ
Mary picks the wrong time to start menstrating.

Careful, It's Gaining on You

Divine Miss M


1. Not satisfied with defeating S-CHIP, Dick Cheney also likes to run down retarded children in his Satanic Subaru of Death.

2. Why you should never let NARAL sponsor your NASCAR Team.

3. "All I said was Ron Paul is a little kooky!"

4. Britney hit the accelerator. "Rat on me to Child Protective Services will you!" she said through a mouthful of curly fries.

5. This is exactly the sort of childhood trauma that can result in a kid becoming a cross-dressing Maple Leafs fan.

Best of metalgarth
Hollywood doesn't seem to grasp that nobody is going to pay $8.00 for a Forest Gump - Running Man crossover.

Best of The Man
Al Gore used his Nobel prize money for some Stage3 upgrades on his off road retard killing machine.

Best of AJ
The new event in the 2008 Special Olympics: Population Control.

Best of curly
It no longer takes a village, thanks to the all new 2007 Subaru Impreza WRX STI with the optional 293-hp 2.5-liter DOHC intercooled, turbocharged Boxer engine.

Best of Gregory
Too young to understand sarcasm, Tommy did what he was told when his father told him to "go play in traffic".

Best of ThatGayConservative
♫"And if the Subaru tries to run you down, go crazy. Whoo!"♪

Best of Army of Dad
The Super Adventure Club recently got into offroad rallies.

Best of Army of Mom
'Ow to speak Australian: speed bump.

Best of attmay
It was at this moment that Chris Burke decided to give up his athletic career and concentrate on acting.

Best of Submariner
'Ow to Speak Awstraylian; Tag

Best of sonicfrog
As his parents said when Billy won the 5 Mile Dash in the Special Olympics, it was all about finding the right motivation during the training.

Filling a Much Needed Hole

1. "I put the lotion on my skin, Mr. Edwards, please don't use the hose again."

2. "It looked good at first, but when I got close, it was completely hollow, now I'm stuck in it. I should have known better than to vacation at Democrat Rhetoric State Park."

3. "Lemmiwinks? Is that you?"

4. One Thursday each month, the Keebler elves hire a hooker.

5. "Marshall! Will! Stop playing with that Sleastak and get back in the cave."

Best of AJ
Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!

Best of curly
A ho in one!

Best of jeff
"No Bob, I'm not coming out - for one thing, the bear treats me nicer than you did!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"O HAI. U NOT wanna go in there 4 a while. KTHXBAI"

Best of divine miss m
A gal who -- thankfully -- doesn't quite understand "National Coming Out Day."

Best of Silhouette
Halp me, Jon Cary. I'm stuck in a rock.

Best of GOP & College
"Who wants my precious?"

Best of The Man
Cherry finally found it. After months of fruitless searches, it was here at last. The escape from The Kennedy Compound was finally at hand!

Best of curly
“I am on my first date with Dennis Kucinich and I don’t want to have to bend over to kiss him.”

Best of metalgarth
I wonder why John (Mark Karr) always needs to play silly games like Hide 'n Seek and Freeze Tag to get in the mood?

Best of Army of Dad
Judging by her left breast she must have gotten poked by a sharp rock and deflated her implant.

Best of Army of Mom
Judging by the look on her face, we know where Michelle Rodriguez's swords ended up.

Best of Army of Mom
Dave and Buster's newest game "whack a ho" was much more popular than the old "whack a mole."

Best of prince of leaves
A century after the global devastation of the Great Fembot Wars, lone holdouts could still be found in remote places, unaware that the war had ended long ago.

Michelle Rodriguez Is a Very Bad Girl and Needs to be Spanked. Volunteers?

1. "Aw, c'mon... does there really have to be only one?"

2. SOTG's Google search for "Michelle Rodriguez" and "double penetration" yields a surprisingly satisfactory result.

3. "Dildo Fight!"

4. "Why are we fighting each other when there's a Fire Swamp full of ROUS's out there?"

5. "Subby says we should stop fighting and kiss and make up... ideally in a vat of warm mud."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Dang, where can I get one of those hella-huge creamsickles?

Best of Jonathan
"I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."

Best of curly
“Mistress Pelosi requires your facial epidermis; Botox no longer does the trick.”

Best of AJ
PMS - The Movie

Best of sonicfrog
Mary Cheney demonstrates how to keep a long term lesbian relationship alive and vibrant.

Best of racerboy
Two dykes enter; one dyke leaves!

Best of Army of Dad
"My god, that's beautiful!" exclaimed John Edwards. "Such vibrant color and bounce in her hair"

Best of Army of Mom
again, sites I never see at the Ren Faire.

*sigh*

Best of Submariner
Your leathers are like, soooo last millenium.

Best of Submariner
That's no way to kill roachess!

Bill Gates @ Hooters

The Man
1. Bill Gates sought to win Senator Craig's support in his anti-trust battle, but was obviously barking up the wrong tree.

2. "You know what would improve these girl's racks... a clumsy, crash-prone operating system."

3. "Yeah, $63 Billion is the ultimate babe magnet."

4. "Steve Jobs... Bite me!"

5.Bill Gates takes a cue from Moammar Ghadafy and begins traveling with an entourage of all-female bodyguards.

Best of The Man
I think I just rebooted in my pants.

Best of Gregory
Beta testing the new Microsoft Pop-Up blocker.

Best of andthenblammo!
'Must...not...blurt...out...hard...drive...joke!'

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Bill, you're SOOOOO rich!"
"Yeah, I have a few nipples to rub together... NICKELS!... NICKELS!"

Best of curly
Choose the lamest Bill Gates cap and win a free laptop!
1. “Excel-lant!”
2. “Let’s spread those sheets!”
3. “So much cleavage showing, it’s like your shirts have Windows.”
“My PowerPoint wants Access!”

Best of Double the U
"So... like you do stuff with computers?"

Best of curly
Bill waxes romantic: “Your twin terabyte top level domain servers are like a soft-switch system’s cached broadband access control device that prompt pop up propagation from my JPEG.”

Best of prince of leaves
Suddenly, the fembots started shrieking incoherently and fell spasming to the ground, smoke pouring out of their every orifice. "Damn Vista!" Bill muttered bitterly, his fantasy weekend ruined yet again.

Best of metalgarth
Bill's new holodeck worked really well but the source code that generated the back row had a couple bugs in it.

Best of sonicfrog
Computer terminology 101: BSOD = Boobs Surrounding One Dork

The Democrats Idea of a "Working Poor" Family Has a Nicer Kitchen Than I do

1. "Good news, kids! Our problems are solved! Barney Frank is hiring two of you as interns! Guess which two!"

2. The Frosts later performed a delightful take on a signature tune from The Sound of Music: "Dough, a check, a government check/ Ray, dad's 'friend' who goes in drag/ Me, the guy, who gets the check... "

3. "Mommy, that Pelosi woman scares me. Make her go away."

4. The cameraman from the DNC complained, "The kid in front is still smiling. You think maybe you could slap her around a little bit?"

5. "Oh mommy! This was the bestest intervention ever!"

Best of curly
"Somebody stole my Mom's boobs. Can you help?"

Best of Double the U
Nope, I am sorry, it's medical experiments for all of you.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE UPPER-UPPER-MIDDLE-CLASS!"

Best of curly
“…and young Johnny here aspires to become blue silk wearing male cheerleader for the Toronto Maple Leafs when he grows up…Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Best of AJ
Realizing that her 3 sons have longer hair, her husband has bigger breasts, and her daughter gets laid much more often than she does...another day of Mary's miserable life passes on.

Best of Prince of leaves
After being laughed at as the Democrats' SCHIP poster family, the Frosts would later become the spokesvictims for President Edwards' SHEAR program, which aimed at providing the working poor with access to affordable yet *fabulous* haircare.

Best of Rodney Dill
The wife is hearing impaired. Everynight the man asks, "Do you want to go to sleep or what?"

Best of metalgarth
Retro TV remakes: "Married with more Children than We Can Afford"

Best of sonicfrog
That frown and 16'th century blouse make me want to go blow my brains out.

Best of Gregory
The new seasons first ratings war heats up as NBC challenges ABC's hit sit-com Carpoolers with their wacky new comedy Freeloaders.

... Joey Lawrence Haircut

El Hombre
1. New evidence has surfaced proving John Edwards dodged the draft by hiding out in Toronto in the early 70's.

2. All your lunch money are belong to us.

3. I CAN HAS AZZ WHIPPING?

4. Canadian RenFaires are a wild trip, baby, can you dig it?

5. "All right," Geddy Lee said. "You can have all the money you want, but you have to destroy this picture and the negatives."

Best of AJ
Canada's national fruit.

Best of The Man
Johnny Wier's open tryout for the NHL did not go over very well with hockey purists.

Best of GOP & College
The first male hockey cheerleader was just as gay as "male hockey cheerleader" sounds.

Best of attmay
So I guess the rumors about Carol Channing and Pierre Trudeau were true.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
...and as they approached the magic tree, they encountered the Blue Fairy!

Best of Army of Mom
The Osmond brother they just never talked about.

Best of Frank_IBC
"...buggered and sore
like a hobo's whore
in the Big Rock Candy Mountains."

Best of Gregory
Little talked about hockey fact: When you win Lord Stanleys Cup, Stanley comes with it.

Best of racerboy
"He can loiter in my crease, any day" said Andrew Sullivan.

The Un-Bearable Lightness of Being

Timmah!

1. Dad was obsessed with living a "John Irving lifestyle," even after Billy and Jennifer entered into an intense psycho-incestuous relationship and little Emily got her face mauled off.

2. "Yeah, it's smelly and dangerous... but still better than living with a fat bearded gay dude."

3. ORA: Privately, Sasha thought Dan Haggerty was a hot piece of a$$.

4. "Yeah, he may be a 'bear of little brain,' but he's hung like a Cydesdale."

5. Even bears were not immune to the charm of Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Ben, disturbed by Amber's oddly misshapen skull, stared intently at the screen and hoped she'd go away.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
TV and a couch: The bear neccessities.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Television: "Police uncovered a grizzly crime scene today..."

Best of Whacko
Bozo always controls the remote. No one ever objects.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No its Beren-STEEN"

Best of Rodney Dill
Suddenly everybody decided POO really was a good name.

Best of curly
The Hilldog fascinated Bozo because her phony laugh reminded him of a grizzly in heat.

Best of AJ
Max couldn't take the act any longer. He admits that he isn't a door to door salesman who just happened to stumble in on the Thompson's lives, but rather a Kodiak bear, the world's largest land carnivore and a damn liar.

Best of attmay
"You'd be surprised how easily and cheaply you can get old Disneyland animatronics. We've got a Pirate of the Caribbean in the basement"

Best of attmay
Smarter than the average bear? Hardly! All he ever watches is Springer and Friends.

WTF?

The Man

1. In Africa, many prefer to treat AIDS with traditional medicine instead of western pharmaceuticals.

2. Eager to enhance its image, Folsom Street Fair reaches out to minorities.

3. Barack Obama's economic policies are explained through the medium of interpretive dance.

4. I see D.C. Public Schools are teaching sex ed with the same level of competence as math and science.

5. I don't care what kind of thing it is, and I don't want to understand it.

Best of prince of leaves
What they really saw in the basement at the end of "Blair Witch Project".

Best of Zeke
Jaded UN workers really make the refuges work for their food.

Best of Army of Dad
Judging by the marshmallows on the guys chest this must be the previously secret Lambda Lambda Lambda secret human smore initiation rite.

Best of curly
January 2009: President Dennis Kucinich issues asylum victim visas to a new category of the oppressed – orally fixated, cucumber smoking transvestites with funny hats.

Best of Silhouette
"I personally believe that people do so because, um, some people out there in their nation don’t have jump ropes."

Best of Silhouette
Some hypnotists are just mean.

Best of AJ
This is what "Just 5 cents a day" *actually* funds.

Best of Kaptain
"Are you sure you're reading those instructions right?"

Best of Double the U
The Ron Paul for President club welcomes three new members.

Best of Whacko
The "Manzier" ad campaign gets underway highlighting the undergarment's strength and flexibility. Sales slumped inexplicably to a new low.

Best of Dave P
Remember when you were a kid, and your parents would tell you to eat up because there were people in Africa who would just love to have that food?

Best of jbinnout
Folsom Street Fair meets Cirque du Soleil.