Break out the Eye Bleach

Age of Hooper (The)


1. A herd of hairy bearded mountain sasquatches descended on Washington this week...

2. Despite having only one eye and one tooth between them, they still tried to enjoy the flag-burning and other festivities.

3. Former U.S. Attorneys are outraged at their reduced status as Hillary '08 interns.

4. In a proper and decent world, these buffalo-wh0-walk-as-men would be sent to Club Gitmo to menstruate on detainees. Al Qaeda would collapse within hours.

5. Howard Stern has really let himself go.

Best of Whacko
"Ladies, I'm not sure this is going to induce someone to stop and help us change the tire on the truck."

Best of Submariner
"Double, double, Code Pink trouble,
Bra's get burned and caldron's bubble..."

Best of Army of Mom
Watch as Clint and Stacy's heads explode on the next episode of "What not to wear."

Best of Robert
You think our breasts are bad, just wait til we come back wearing lycra bicycle shorts!

Best of Silhouette
"Did we remember to bring the tambourine? Oh good, we wouldn't want to look foolish."

Best of Jay Guevara/Submariner
This is the picture Eli Lilly distributes to doctors to help treat those "cases of erection lasting more than four hours."

Best of Shayne
"Mom?"

Best of curly
♫ Boob sweat -- Bomber jet -- Blood for oil,
Ron Paul -- Hillary – My hat’s tin foil. ♪

Best of attmay
I think I just went from gay to incredibly mega-gay.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Off-camera: Dian Fossey and Jane Goodall taking notes

Best of sonicfrog
I haven't seen this many dough rolls since I worked at the bakery.

Best of Steve-O
On the front side:
WAR IS INDECENT

On the back side:
BUT NOT BY COMPARISON

Old Lady at Work

Americana

1. "Can't believe I gotta waste time fillin' out this gawdam 'Ethics Survey' How the Hell they expect me to fix our CGI scripts and hack the router config to bypass the TCP/IP stack error. They'll be sorry when their whole sh1ta$$ network crashes like a Chinese airplane."

2. According to this FEC filing, this Wal-Mart greeter donated $140,000 to Hillary's campaign through Norman Hsu.

3. Estelle liked to pass her time at the office by singing. ♫ "I don't want anybody else / When I think of Matlock I touch myself..."♫

4. "Well, look at these Hillary fundraising records. I better report these to the FEC at once." Edith signs her own death warrant.

5. "Now, let me spell check this Manifesto before we post it on Move-On. 'Come the Revolution, war-mongering basterds will be castrated...'"

Best of prince of leaves
"Lessee, that's 133 fake votes for Ron Paul, only 349 more to go and then I can move on to the next online poll."

Best of Submariner
...so you missed dinner Saturday because you got stoned? Don't bother coming to the reading of my will; I've removed every trace of you, ya self-centered little pot-head.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hmmm... Viking the Kitten sounds cute, maybe I'll visit that blog."

Best of metalgarth
I would have joined Iris, Rose and Opel in their protest against torture, but somehow filling out these medicaid forms seems like a better use of my Sunday

Best of Submariner
"Dear AARP; I never believed your letters until this REALLY happened to me..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Dear Kobe, Although you haven't answered my previous letters, I feel compelled once more to inform you that I am open..."

Engage!

The Telegraph

1. "Jean-Luc, why do all of your holodeck fantasies end with Wesley Crusher lying face down on the deck in a pool of his own blood?"

2. "I tried, Beverly, but the Klingon Super-Vibra-Stud is simply wedged far too deeply in Ensign Sullivan's a$$."

3. Ewwww! Looks like Patrick Stewart just went all "Planned Parenthood" on the Vagina Monologues.

4. "I've got more firecrackers if you've got more hamsters."

5. "I guess ripping out Jonathan Frakes's still-beating heart with my bare hands and showing it to him isn't as much fun as I supposed it would be."


Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Damnit Worf, when I said 'fire at will', I did NOT mean Commander Riker!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
He wasn't sure if it was the untapped power or her penchant for human brains, but Xavier knew Jean Grey would eventually be trouble.

Best of The Man
Oh gawdd...who let Keifer Sutherland drive the school bus full of anemic kittens? Oh the humanity.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Beverly, do you ever feel... you know, not so fresh?"

Best of Whacko
Patrick Stewart, tired of that liberal nappy-headed Whoopie Goldberg on his show, finally takes matters into his own hands. And there was MUCH rejoicing.

Best of Submariner
"Well, I guess you're right, Data. There really IS more than one way to skin a cat. Sorry about Spot"

Best of prince of leaves
"Umm, Beverly? I'm having second thoughts about agreeing to help you deliver Data and the Borg Queen's hybrid baby."

Best of prince of leaves
"Whoa, who are you, how did I get here, and how did we end up with the blood of that smelly Ferengi hooker all over us?"

Best of Army of Mom
It isn't what it looks like? I was ... um ... removing her Borg implants.

Best of Army of Mom
I told those damn carolers to stop singing outside the office of Scrooge and Marley. But did they listen? Noooo.

Best of Submariner
...and I recommend Placenta Helper™ from SNL Industries next Wednesday...

Best of Gregory
Restiance is futile...also messy. Sorry, Ensign Lynch

I See You Shiver With Antici

Mumblix Grumph

Best of The Man
In just seven days, I can make you a man. Dig it if you can.

Best of Rodney Dill
"... not meatloaf again."

Best of Rodney Dill
♫
"... it's just a jump to the left... to the left... to the left... to the left...
♫

Best of Rodney Dill
Frankenfurter: "Crap, I can't even get a half a brain out of this one."
Edwards: "Just don't muss my hair."

Best of Whacko
A pansy who lived in Karthoum,
Took a transvestite up to his room.
And they argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

Best of Rob
Don't touch-a touch-a touch-a the hair!

Best of Submariner
Leave Chris Crocker alone, dammit! He's a human with great hair...

Charles Johnson at Home

LFG


1. I CAN HAS MEALWORM?

2. DOOD. I IZ SO BAKED.

3. ORA: The Drazi Ambassador waits impatiently for the Great Machine on Epsilon III to return him to normal size.

4. Another viewer is underwhelmed by the Heroes season opener.

5. Ennui! Will you ever lose your grasp of me?

Best of Silhouette
He can sit, roll over, and create documents in Times New Roman 12.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Ironically, his nickname was "Jim Morrison".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Marshall, are you in here?... Will?... Holly, where are you?... OH MY GOD, THE BLOOD!!!..."
Chaka comes to a horrible realization.

Best of Submariner
Why don't you dump that dweeb, Ken and slide your sweet ass over here, Barbie?

Best of Whacko
I'll take things you won't see jumping on Oprah's couch for $200, Alex.

Best of lawhawk
The mysterious LFG ruler was captured in an Annie Leibowitz exclusive.

Best of Anonymous
James Carville decides to try psychoanalysis.

Best of Jack Reacher
When the Ajax-equipped clustered servers are running smoothly, there's nothing to do under the Denver airport but relax.

Best of Army of Mom
Barbie considered Ken's query about a threesome until she saw this guy on her fainting couch.

Billy's Bud

Right Wing Conspirator



1. Fact: Bill Clinton had at least 13 chances to take out Osama bin Laden in the 1990's, but he was just too... distracted.

2. "She's got huge... tracts of open land."

3. "... and it's just plain wrong that our Nazi troops at Guantanamo motorboat prisoners... I mean waterboard prisoners... no, I mean, motorboat, prisoners."

4. "Anybody got a cigar?""

5. Attendees at the Auto Show wondered why Clinton giggled every time he said "Dual Air Bags."


Best of Kaptain
Proud, upstanding citizens who are perky and eagerly thrusting, er trusting to government taking over the, uh... uh, I seem to have lost my train of thought.

Best of Kaptain
"I...Did not...have...sex...with...that...woman. But the day is young."

Best of Silhouette
I see why she spilled over into Friday.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"It depends on what your definition of 'tits' is..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I like 'em dressed like that; No place to hide a subpoena in that outfit."

Best of sonicfrog
It's good to be the ex-president!!!

There's Just Something Fisher-Pricey About Mary

Right Wing Conspirator

1. Sometimes, a flannel shirt just isn't "bull" enough.

2. "Hey, you'll put somebody's eye out!"

3. That's hammer's nothin' You should see the size of *my* tool.

4. Ann Coulter's fetish was sweaty road crew men, and she knew just how to get their attention.

5. Bob Vila directs his first p0rn shoot.


Best of The Man
The Bob the Builder sex ed episode soon became the web's second most downloaded video... after Chris Crocker's 'Leave Bob the Builder Alone' video.

Best of Jonathan
"Smelly Construction Wench" just doesn't roll off the tongue like "Smelly Pirate Hooker".

Best of Submariner
"I'll take 'Tim Taylor's Wet Dreams' for 800, Alex."

Best of Army of Mom
Spike's newest show, Bobbi the Builder, was a ratings hit among the male 18-(oh hell, till they're dead) demographic.

Best of Army of Dad
This carpet is easy to lay, you just have to get it hammered.

Best of Submariner
If Madonna had gone into the contracting business...

Best of prince of leaves
The "Big Boys' Erector Set" is going to be a huge hit this Christmas, just you watch.

Best of curly
"Ever since her botched boob job last month, Pam’s body language has been screaming ‘don’t touch my breasts’."

Best of metalgarth
and once Mr. Maplethorpe told her what to do with the hammer, he found himself without a model

Best of jbinnout
Bobbi's building motto:
"I'll nail or lay anything"

T&A CATS

jeff shultz/opie/anthony

1. "Whose the black little cat that's a sex machine to all the Thursday babes? Shaft! Damn right."

2. Noir Cat Doesn't Mind a Reasonable Amount of Trouble.

3. I'M IN UR THURSDAY, ALOOF TO UR BABES

4. "Frankly, babe... I don't see more than three or four p*ssy caps making the Best of List."

5. Hillary: "What cat?"

Best of ThatGayConservative
Coppertone quickly realizes that a cat is less compliant than a dog.

The first two in line for the Pam'sHouseBlend Thursday fish special.

Best of GOP & College
SULLY CAT IZ UNAROUZED

Best of Submariner
Toonces always kept his pimp-paw strong.

Best of prince of leaves
"That's not my cat, that's my familiar," Hillary hissed, just before draining the buxom virgin campaign volunteer of her lifeforce.

Best of metalgarth
Few people know that David Lynch and Bob Guccione were the directors for the "never shown on Friends" video for Smelly Cat.

Best of metalgarth
The session was cut short after the model heard Mr. Maplethorpe's suggestion about where to place the cat for the next picture...

Best of metalgarth
Sylvester: What thursday babe?

Best of Submariner
If the producers had only made Salem and Sabrina look like this, the show would still be playing...

Best of Submariner
Obvious die-job; blond hair, black pussy.

Future Mugshot

Sondra K


1. "Good boy, Orenthal. Now, go and get your sports memorabilia back from that honky."

2. "We got your back, Dawn. That honky mo-fo ain't never gonna squeeze humor out of offensive stereotypes about black women ever again.

3. "Good, you're packin' Now get your a$$ down to the convenience store and get your daddy his forty and his pack of menthols."

4. "Good pose, now go burn those math and spelling books. Ain't nobody gonna accuse my boy of acting white."

5. "Good, now when Congressman Frank puts on the leather Police outfit and 'frisks' you and finds your 'weapon,' you're supposed to say 'Officer, ain't there some other way we can work this out?'"

Best of sonicfrog
Like mother-f***ing father,
like mother-f***ing son.

Think about it, won't you?

Best of duke of red
Lil' Ray Ray shows off his new prison tat.

Best of Silhouette
We tried smuggling it on board by using a nun, but they're on to us.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Actually, Mom, it IS a gun in my pants; I'm not happy to see you. Where's my money, bitch???"

Best of curly
"CapThis? CapThat!"

Best of The Man
Daddy, i just tinkled on your 9mm.

Best of Army of Dad
Oh isn't that cute. American muslims take shots of their kids with guns, just like their Palestinian counterparts.

Best of Army of Mom
I'm a little gangsta, short and phat.
Here is my tummy and here is my gat.

When I see a cracker, hear me shout:
Get on the flo mother f***er and give me all yo money!

Best of Submariner
Pardon me; I always get a little verklempt when I see a father passing on time-honored cultural traditions to the next generation...

Best of prince of leaves
Bringing "Supernanny" advice to inner-city gangsta communities, Russell Simmons launches "Def Daycare Jam"...this fall, on the WB.

The Wheels on the Bus...

CBS/Louisiana Conservative


1. "Anyway, I got a message on my myspace from a guy who claims to be a congressman from Massachusetts and he'll pay me $50 if I pee in a Coke bottle and send it to him. That's gotta be a joke, right?"

2. "Senator Byrd's gonna sh1t his pants when he sees you sitting at the front of the bus, Tyrone."

3. "Whoa! Those brothers are really pounding the crap out of the white kid. It's gonna be tough to hang any more nooses with both of his arms broken."

4. "Yeah, Ahmed's backpack does look unusually stuffed. And I don't like the way his mom is ululating at all. Screw political correctness, I'm walkin' to school."

5. "Why, thank you, Tyrone. I'd love a cracker."

Best of Double The U
And if you look out the right side of the bus... the RIGHT side... the side the driver is on. Damn it, I hate these public school educated tours.

Best of Rodney Dill
Willie beat the crap out of the kid next to him when he found out the bus number was 1555.

Best of Jack Reacher
Forrest and Bubba eventually worked their way to the front of the bus.

Best of Jonathan
"Now that you mention it, Samuel, Mr. Jenkins does 'look like a bitch'!"

Best of Submariner
Samuel L. Jackson's first film project, "Snakes on a Bus" got little respect.

Best of CJ
"Hey, Mr Reeves, slow down. What the Hell is wrong with you?"

Do These Make My Butt Look Fat?

6 Degrees o' Blondness


1. "Is that a Vodaphone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

2. Will Ferrell and Grace Jones star in a badly conceived remake of Brian's Song.

3. "Wow, those shorts are really tight. I didn't know you were Jewish."

4. "Oh, and watch out for Dingleberry's stuck to your tight end."

5. "Nah, I'm not laughing at your short shorts... I'm laughing at that Sullivan guy in the cheerleader outfit."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"You were right, bro. It does look better in high-heel cleats."

Best of Whacko
"So, exactly where do you store your testicles?"

Best of racerboy
"Nice shorts... Wanna f**k?"

Best of GregMan
"If your shorts were as tight as mine, you would have been invited to Sully's house too."

Best of sonicfrog
In a squeaky, high pitched voice, Brock was heard to say "Hey, it's aerodynamic and helps me run faster!".

Best of divine miss m
If Johnny Weir designed football uniforms.

Best of GOP & College
Umm...Sully, those are the cheerleader's shorts.

Hero of the Left

1. ♫ One Is The Loneliest Number That You'll Ever Do...♫ - Dinnerjacket followed up his speech with Karaoke night with Columbia College Democrats.

2. Shame on you Jan and Marcia! Shame! Shame! Shame!

3. "So, it doesn't bother you that I want to kill all the Jews, and I'm personally responsible for the murder of your soldiers, and I have little girls hanged for resisting rape... but then you get pissy when I diss the homos? Dudes, your country is f**ked up."

4. "Leave Britney Alone! She's a Human!"

5. "I've already cured one lesbian. Now, give me a shot at Hillary!"

Best of Double The U
and now, an Iranian with a tape recorder up his nose.

Best of curly
“There are no homosexuals in Iran, at least judging by the lack of action in the men’s room at Tehran International.”

Best of jbinnout
"Now I want you to listen very carefully, I.Never.Had.Sexual.Relations.With.That.Woman Miss Baaaaaaa baaaaaa"

Best of Jack Reacher
"That bathroom, upstairs? What's the deal with the narrow stalls? I mean, I'm a guy with a wide stance..."

Best of Army of Dad
Pull my finger and if Allah wills it I will poison this entire crowd with my personal mustard gas.

Best of Army of Dad
Stop me if you have heard this one. So a nun walks up to a muslim TSA employee...

Best of curly
“Send Number 47 to my personal interrogation room, immediately.”

Best of Shayne
"Notre Dame is #1!"

Best of Submariner
He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

Best of Submariner
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

Marcia! Marcia! Ohgawd! Marcia! Yes! Yes!

Also SondraK

1. "Gee, Marcia. I didn't expect to run into you at the Hillary08 rally."

2. "Well, you can whore yourself to patriarchy with your lipstick and pink sweaters if you want to, but real dykes wear flannel!"

3. Woody Allen was about to proposition Jan and Marcia for a three-way, but then he realized he wasn't related to them.

4. "Yeah, Marcia, I know he'd have us both stoned to death in a minute, but dammit, Ahmadinejad is just so darned cute."

5. "O.K., you can write about our lesbian tryst in your memoir, but *I* call dibs on exposing what Robert Reed did to Tiger."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Jan, Dad's gonna kill you when that doubleheader falls out of the tube instead of his plans."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Jan, we have to do something about Cindy's tattling... She just told Alice about us, your stash, and the black mambo I keep under my mattress!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I was explaining our... 'encounter' to the editor, but he suddenly rushed out of the room after telling me 'something suddenly came up'."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I met him online... He says he's totally into 3-ways and will do 'unspeakable' things to us... I just can't wait to meet this 'Johnny Bravo' guy!"

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Jan, are you feeling OK? I only ask because someone standing behind me is taking your pulse."

Best of GregMan
...and the Internet makes yet another teenage sex fantasy of once-horny baby-boomers come true.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yes, I wear comfortable shoes, and I'm voting for Hillary. What's so funny?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Doin' good, girlfriend. Just leak a few more tidbits from that book of yours, and we can maybe swing a Thursday Babe slot. Well, I mean, not in these clothes, of course."

Best of Double The U
Marcia, I want to tell you the story, the story of a love-lee lady. You see she had three girls, and they all lived together, do you understand what I am talking about Marcia?

Best of Capt. Queeg
"What is it, Jan?"
"It's that Lileks guy again. He keeps staring at me."

Best of Submariner
Refreshing to have a cap-able back story about a couple of bitchy queens and NOT be referring to Sir Elton and Sully...

Best of Submariner
♪ You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant.♫

Best of Submariner
Sen Clinton, your prom dates are here...

Waiting for the other Hsu to Drop

Sondra K

Anyone else notice that Hilldog has a "tell." Whenever she's about to unleash an incredible whopper of a lie, she cackles dementedly?

1. (The Note): Dearest Hill, Oh, if only the seat of this chair were my face, and you could sit on it all day long. Love, Rosie.

2. "No, Mr. Hannity, I expect you to die."

3. "(Demented Cackle) I swear, it wasn't me, it was the leather chair."

4. "Ah, another check in the usual place. Thank you Mr. Chang. I trust there will be another 'furniture delivery' next week? It would be just terrible if those nasty INS people found out about the people who work at your restaurant."

5. Ah, a check for $190,000 from an account in the Cayman islands in one hand and a mouth full of female ejaculate. Life is good.

Best of GregMan
"Good thing Columbia is so anti-Amerikkkan or I never would have got a seat this good for Ahmajerkijihadi's speech."

Best of Jack Reacher
Much to Hillary's surprise, Rose Law Firm records are still turning up in furniture taken from the White House.

Best of Jack Reacher
"It's a shopping list. Next time we leave the White House, we're cleaning that b**ch out!"

Best of Submariner
Bill: "Oh for cryin' out loud, Hill - it's been 15 minutes. Spit, already! I need to know if they can be surgically reattached..."

Best of Submariner
"...it's NOT socialized medicine, it's only mandatory Government MANAGED medicine..."
>wink< >wink<

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"How do you respond to the occasional rumor that you're a lesbian?"
(Demented Cackle) "People say a lot of things about me, so I really don't pay any attention to it," Sen. Clinton (D-N.Y.) replied.
Edited out: *Wink* *knowing glance* *makes a "V" with her fingers and tongues it*

Best of Submariner
"Well, Mr. Franken, we were going to name her 'Turkey Baster' after her daddy, but Bubba said it probably wouldn't play well with the voters..."

Best of Submariner
No kidding; Marcia Brady!?! thought bubble - "I might still have a chance to fulfill my fantasy from 1972 afterall..."

Best of Submariner
(Demented cackle) "I believe in America..."

Your Taxpayer Dollars at Work in the Department of Ridiciulous Irony

Tom Wopat and LFG



1. And in order to preserve the balance, somewhere an Imam must be under suspicion for child molesting ... or would be, if there were anything *wrong* with that in Islam.

2. A moment later, the TSA chick had her face chewed off by the nun's psychotic conjoined twin.

3. This is kind of like Andrew Sullivan giving an AIDS test to Dr. Laura.

4. "And now my impression of Larry Craig in the men's room..."

5. "Let me just tuck that in for you, congressman Frank. Have fun in San Francisco."

Really Really Best of curly
♫ How do you solve a problem like Sharia ♪

Best of Passionate Conservative
TSA Worker: Anything worn under there?
Nun: No, it's as good as it ever was.
TSA Worker: Well THAT'S a matter of opinion

Best of Whacko
"The AK-47 strapped to your thigh is no problem but we'll have to confiscate the shampoo, sister."

Best of Double The U
If the Nun turned her habit around and covered her face she would have been allowed to go through security with no problems.

Best of curly
“Sorry, infidel witch, but I must confiscate your Bible and Rosary; they are illegal in Islamic DetroitNew Fallujah. Have a nice day.”

Best of prince of leaves
TSAhadi's thought bubble: "Wrapped up in black and...lessee...yep, a virgin. If this one weren't a filthy kuffar pig, she'd be a great third wife for my brother Rasim."

Best of curly
“Flying Imams: go right in. Flying nuns: this way to the cavity search.”

Best of Submariner
Nun's thought bubble; "One bad touch, one Hail Mary. Make that two bad touches, two Hail Mary's. Threeeeehhhhooooolycraaaaap! Two Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers..."

Best of racerboy
♫ Oh, Sweet Mystery of life at last I've found you...♫

Land of Lincoln

(UPI Photo/Alexis C. Glenn)


1. "Hey babe, wanna check out my log... cabin?"

2. When the Fox Network perfected a working time machine, it was used to create a reality show that connected great historical figures with high-class Asian hookers called Another Slant on American History. Dawn's head was never seen again.

3. This week in history, 1858: An inter-racial couple is barred from Robert Byrd's high school prom.

4. Occasionally, even Shorpy is taken in by fauxtography.

5. "I'm not gay!" Lincoln would protest after being busted in the MSP airport restroom. "This gawdam Marfan's syndrome just gives me a really, really wide stance!"

BTW: Exceptionally good round this time, dudes (and Army of Mom)

Best of Rodney Dill
Weekend at Abe's

Best of Jack Reacher
Asian reporter Trish Takanawa asks Lincoln to "emancipate me, Baby!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I don't know how Connie and Maury do it, but I guess they're happy.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Highlander's Rule #1 for Immortals:
Update your wardrobe with the times.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
As a Republican, I can only offer my sincere gratitude for everything this man did... Including helping Kirk, Spock, and Surak fight off those bad guys on the lava-rock creature planet.

Best of prince of leaves
"I respectfully request of you to keep your hand away from my hand, young Oriental temptress, lest my dear wife become agitated and work herself into yet another preverbal lather."

Best of prince of leaves
"Four score and seven hours ago, your airline brought forth into this terminal a flight delay, conceived in cynicism and dedicated to the proposition that your passengers are at your mercy."

Best of curly
“There’s no need to bribe me, Ms. Hsu. I’m no longer President, and besides, I’m a wax figure.”

Best of curly
“Shouldn’t you be working on the railroad, all the live long day?”

Best of curly
"I personally believe that, uh, four score and seven years ago, U.S. Americans are, uh, brought forth on this, in our nation on a map, and, uh, I believe that our such as conceived in Liberty as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, and dedicated to the proposition, over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we that all men are created equal, and such as, er, will be able to build up our future for our children."

It's Sovietastic

Throbert and Franco at Discardededlies


1. John Edwards new campaign poster targeted the key Democrat constituencies of hardline communists and NAMBLA members.

2. Ang Lee's Reds.

3. Barney Frank's campaign poster won him another Massachusetts landslide, a half dozen restraining orders, and a MoveOn-dot-org "Man of the Year" Award.

4. In 1986, the Soviet Government tried to reassure the people of Chernobyl that they could still be buff athletes despite having deformed twins growing out of their hips.

5. The emergence of a long-secret communist kiddie-pr0n movie from early in Arnold Schwarzeneggar's career doomed him in the Republican Party, but made him an unstoppable favorite in the race for Mayor of San Francisco.

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivansky did what he was told, sit on uncle Boris' lap and talk about the first thing that comes up.

Best of Jack Reacher
Goofus begged off from visiting weird Cousin Ray, but told Gallant to be sure to admire Ray's muscles.

Best of Jack Reacher
Pranksters told John Edwards that the caption translates as "Real men moisturize."
Edwards said "I told you so!"

Best of Whacko
"Yeah, you do have impressive muscles but my dad still says you're a raging queen."

Best of Jack Reacher
It was pretty obvious why "Andrew Sullivan's Day Care Centre" never really got off the ground.

Best of Submariner
You like, Timmy? We visit Blue Oyster now - no?

Best of Submariner
Why John-boy! You've been working out since you went to Columbia!

Best of duke of red
In Soviet Russia, little boys grope YOU.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Brokebackski CubScoutski

Best of Army of Dad
Here we have an old poster from the East German woman's athletic program.

Best of Submariner
You complete me, mini-tovaritch.

Best of Silhouette
"I will use muscle to finally defeat moose and squirrel."

Best of Submariner
Is it only me or does every word in cyrillic look like "Kaopectate?"

Best of attmay
"Well what do you expect when all our women look like Boris Yeltsin?"

A Rather Deranged Old Man Shouts at his Own Reflection

Van Helsing

1. FREQUNCY IZ 186MHZ. KBAI

2. "I mean it! Lay off Britney. She’s a human! Leave her alone. Just leave her alone, okay?"

3. "'Perfect forgeries!' you said. 'No one will ever know!' you said. Well, d4mn you, Ron Paul. D4mn you to h3ll."

4. "And then Jimmy Carter explained it to me. It's the J-o-o-o-o-s... those sneaky, crafty J-o-o-o-o-s."

5. "Well, if you don't want to get tasered, can't commit armed robbery, and you don't know what this newfangled YouTube thing is, your only other publicity whore option is to file a frivolous lawsuit."

Best of Zeke
"and this is where they crawled out of the mirror and got in thru my mouth, they made me say those things! They made me!"

Best of Silhouette
"He never picks my captions for Best of. Never!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I had Jello today."

Best of Jack Reacher
"It made me madder than a 1-legged wet rooster in a rotisserie parking lot listening to Gordon Lightfoot."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Best of curly
“Sure, Little Green Footballs may have kicked my ass, but i nic do ukrycia zrjxpzv.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Then I slowly pulled Mapes head down like this..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In the middle of the interview, Rather inexplicably starts singing "Domo arigato" and begins to do "The Robot".

Best of curly
“Even the carcass renderers at the Soylent Green factory have rejected my resume.”

Best of Submariner
I'm an excellent driver. I get my boxer shorts at K-Mart.

Best of Submariner
Same ORA: My name is Charly Gordon and I live in a room, and I got no sister and no dog, and I am stupid!

Best of prince of leaves
"What's the mirror for? You don't honestly expect me to risk a direct sight of Hillary's Gorgon clenis during the interview, do you?"

Best of attmay
His career already in the dumper, Gunga Dan lost his three remaining friends with his impression of Michael J. Fox.

Naked Chicks and Lots of Consonants

Sean Gleeson



1. A new study in the New England Journal of Medicine conclusively links excessive masturbation and dyslexia.

2. The competition for "Miss Nude Verification Word" proceeds to the semi-final round.

3. At about the eleven o'clock position you can see where the disembodied head from the Glamour Shotz version of Rosie O'Donnell was photoshopped into the picture.

4. The European Nude Scrabble Team prepares to pounce on a triple word score.

5. This one's really gonna stump Miss South Carolina.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Everything to przyszlosci. batch woman. Poland is not woman. as well small potatoes until ulteriorly."

Best of Dickey Swollenz
I can't buy the woman in back a vowel, so instead I'll just show her my 'oh face' later tonight

Best of Jack Reacher
Fortunately, you say "giggity" the same in all languages.

Best of Submariner
I don't wanna, but I think I HAVE to buy a vowel if I want ANY chance at solving this puzzel, Pat...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Left to right, top to bottom (click to expand):

Rosie O'Donut (very Photoshopped)
Meredith Viera
Mrs.Partridge
Jack Black
Martha Stuart's grandaughter
The freaky chick from Firefly
Mom?

Best of attmay
Whilt Turkish Wizard of Oz and Turkish Star Wars were pretty poor ripoffs of the American originals, Turkish Desperate Housewives was clearly an improvement.

Best of Army of Mom
Kobiet, I'm open!

Best of Submariner
Ralphie was completely disillusioned; his Little Orphan Annie super decoder ring translated their message as simply "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."

Splendor in the Grass

1. "Ha! And you thought Chris Crocker was Queen of the Fairies!"

2. Sensing a predator's approach, the Naked Prairie Babe lets out a shrill whistle as a warning to the other members of the colony before disappearing into her own burrow.

3. Hillary remakes the LBJ 'flower' ad.

4. Fed up with beagle droppings in their front yards, neighbors in P-Town erect a 'ScareSully.'

5. Subby's prom date would soon be de-flowered.

Best of curly
“You walked into the wrong ‘fairy’ picture, Mr. Sullivan. Try three posts down.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Earth Mother, Gaia, Nature, all that crap... can we bone now?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I'm guessing Playboy, circa '77 or '78... I'd know a bit more if the frontal grooming were visible.

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
Slap to the forehead! I coulda had a Vee Skank!

Best of the paperboy
Welcome to Unimatrix Zero. You won't be able to activate your implants, but we can assimilate over here.

Hail to the Chef

1. "That mound of potatoes next to that dinner roll reminds me... is it Thursday yet?"

2. "Your valor and bravery makes every real Mexamericanadian very proud"

3. "Soylent Green is my kind of people."

4. "Stop crying about Brittany Spears before I slap you one, soldier."

5. "Why are you serving me potatoes and rolls instead of slaughtering brown people for the glory of my fascist oil state?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Bald soldier thought bubble:
"Damn, he took the last dumpling... George W. Bush really is Hitler!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
John, working behind the counter, recalls serving the President on his visit...
"He took the plate in a method reminiscent of Jenjis Khan. It is an event that is seared, seared into my memory."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"On second thought, y'all can have this back...I thought this was the 'Whites Only' line.'*

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh, I'm a little short on cash right now, she'll get it."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Harriet Miers! Long time no see! How's things?"

Best of curly
“We call it the ‘Democratic-Controlled Congressional Special’, Mr. President: pork with lots of fat and gravy, bad for your constitution, and terrible for troop morale.”

Best of curly
“With three types of potatoes on my plate, I can see that Jack Murtha must have relatives with farming interests in Idaho.”

Best of attmay
I don't care if you think I only went to war to enrich my "zionazi oil cabal," I still want my damned ketchup!

Best of Kaptain
IM IN UR CHOW LINE, EETING UR CHOW.

The Monument to Corrupted Endeavour

Byron



1. "I just spelled my name all over Russia. Take that you post-Communist bastards!"

2. "OK, Rick, I triple dog dare you to take off your space helmet!"

3. "That thing got a hemi?"

4. "I say we just aim this anti-missile megalaser at Alec Baldwin's house and claim it was an accident."

5. "'Does it make me feel small and insignificant?' What kind of faggot talk is that?"

Best of duke of red
I'M IN UR SPACECRAFT, EATIN' UR SHARE OF FOODZ.

Best of The Man
Call Guinness, Rosie's ass just joined The Great Wall of China as objects that can be seen from space.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Sweet. Here comes the Shuttle. Hope they were able to score that case of Everclear."

Best of Rodney Dill
"I just pissed in my suit -- 0 Gee Whiz"

Best of Submariner
"...and they said a chubby ginger-haired boy in Des Moines could NEVER get off the ground - HA!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Weren't the inhabitants of this planet aware of the plans for the hyperspace bypass?

Best of Whacko
"I'm only a South Carolina high school graduate. Can anyone point out the United States for me?"

Best of Submariner
Prepair ship, for Ludicrous speed.
Fasten all seat belts. Seal all enterances and exits. Lock all stores in the mall. Cancel the 3-ring circus. Secure all animals in the zoo...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Berkeley?... I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Don't laser me, Bro"

Best of metalgarth
Construction of the Haliburton Death Star was right on schedule and funded by profits from the 'War for Oil.' All of the exhaust ports would come with twin deflector force fields to protect against X-Wing pilots who were "strong with the Force."

Best of jeff
"You know, after crewing on the Daedalus to Atlantis, this is really a step backwards for me."

Best of curly
“Open the stall door, Hal.”

Best of Army of Dad
The first husband and wife fight in space. He is bent out of shape because she knocked the mirror off the module when she backed it into the bay.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
When spamming becomes criminal:
C:/Enter coordinates...
C:/10'30'102
C:/Processing...
C:/Accepted
C:/Enter time to launch...
C:/ RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL! RON PAUL!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I know you're a fan, but should we really be risking our lives just so you can paint 'Galactica' out here?"

Best of Army of Mom
So, then, the crazy bitch puts on a diaper, grabs some mace and drives from Texas to Florida. I'm kinky and all and she had a great ass, but the diaper ... sort of ruined it for me. Yeah, that and the psycho thing.

Best of Army of Mom
Does this space suit make my butt look big? *another comment from the first husband/wife team in space*

Best of Army of Mom
If you just would have stopped and asked directions from that nice cosmonaut, we might not be floating around aimlessly in God knows where.
*yet another from the husband and wife team in space*

Best of prince of leaves
Yet another husband/wife cap: "I know you just finished reinstalling it, but I'm just not happy with the module there, either. Let's see how it looks on this port over here..."

Best of GregMan
"Admiral Adama, I know we finally found Earth, but you need to know that here they put dogs in bikini bottoms, let ducks talk on the radio, and are about to elect a shrill, male hating hag President. Let's get the frak out of here and take our chances with the Cylons."

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
"Dammit, Cliff, I still can't get all of Rosie's chins in the frame. We better head on out another three parsecs and try again. Scrivner's waiting on this pic for the inside dust jacket photo."

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
"Mmmm-hmmm. Tretarian combustion manifold is shot... Mmmm-hmmm. Looka there, you got a crack in the safety cylinder for the Photon guidance system. Oh, yep. Lookit. The hydrollic flifteg stabilizer looks like it hasn't been changed in a coon's age. Yep, yep. It's gonna cost you a preeeetty penny to get this baby back into hyperspace."

Best of Submariner
Keep your diapers on, Houston. This is only gonna take a couple a more minutes...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"That's the LAST time we let the gorram Reavers on board."

Best of attmay
ORA: "No I'm not gonna pose for your stupid logo. Who wants to watch a channel made up of nothing but 'music videos' anyway?"

Leave Brittany Alone! She's a Human Being!

1. Scared Straight for the 21st Century. Repeated viewing of the Chris Crocker YouTube videos reduced teenage homosexuality by 90%.

2. "Look at that limp lifeless hair," John Edwards hissed. "You're no son of mine!"

3. How nature says, "Please Kick My Ass."

4. "Solidarity Sister Manilow! Elizabeth Hasselback scares me, too."

5. "Let me explain why I'm voting for Ron Paul..."

Best of metalgarth
His audition for the Culture Club tribute band went pretty well, but somehow a duck with a microphone proved to have much more talent.

Best of attmay
♪ I am homo,
Hear me roar,
I am too fruity to ignore
And my wrist's too limp
To go back and pretend

Best of The Man
With all the pressure on him to live up to his dad's name, Jack Bauer Jr. failed his CTU entrance exam and ended up a lowly intern for Senator Craig.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
His alabaster skin blending into the white background is a result of his outrageous flamboyancy... He's sort of a Karma chameleon.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm coherent when I film myself...why don't the boys like me, Mom?

Best of divine miss m
Nancy Boy Tuesday and Shirtless Fat Guy Wednesday never caught on quite at Caption This! quite like Hot Babe Thursday.

Best of attmay
I'll take "People LIberace Could Beat Up" for $1,000 please, Alex.

Best of Army of Mom
Courtney Love's paternity suit against Chris Gaines didn't meet any resistance when he saw their love child.

Best of Jack Reacher
The model had a sickness, but not a physical ailment, like smallpox. No, the model had a sickness of the mind. The model was a limp-wristed sissy-boy, and probable Edwards voter to boot.

Best of curly
“Bush lied – I cried until I almost died.”

Best of Submariner
John Edwards was GOOD!

Best of Andy loved her
Look, sugar, you can't name a single Democrat woman that's hotter than me, now, can you? Well alright then; let's go!

Every Dog Has His Day

Ace


1. After Sully failed to make the Advocate's list of 40 Gay Heroes, the beagle instinctively tried to cheer him up.

2. "As you can see, Mr Kennedy, there really is no request so perverse we won't cater to it."

3. "Now, Mr Nguyen, when you say 'That looks good enough to eat...'"

4. While losers were put to death, winners at the Bad Newz Kennels got the same rewards as NFL quarterbacks.

5. "Now, dear, don't get upset. It doesn't necessarily mean our son's gonna grow up to be a serial killer. He might grow up to write a blog for The Atlantic and Time magazine.

Best of The Man
An appreciation for a nice Pinot, coca butter, and wearing women's underwear were among the things Eddie picked up from David Hyde Pierce on the set of Frasier.

Best of Jack Reacher
As a dog clothing site, "Fido's Secret" never really caught on. But it sure got a lot of search hits.

Best of andthenblammo!
Just another piece of tail teasing the men. Bitch.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Why the terrorists hate us.

Best of Army of Dad
Unfortunately for Sully the judge refused to allow his defense that the bitch wanted it.

Best of attmay
ORA: "Why can't I have a normal dog like everyone else?"

Best of metalgarth
Dog Whisperer is going to get a little controversial during sweeps week.

Best of Rodney Dill
Ronna rit rucky?

Best of Double The U
They say animals know when tragic events are going to happen before they happen. This dog is getting ready for the democrats being in power by covering his eyes and assuming the position.

Best of GOP & College
In some cave Osama is looking at this thinking "Why do those Americans get all the good ones?!"

Best of Submariner
I'm so excited - SOTG promised that tomorrow I can get tutored!

Best of Double The U
I know, you are all a little confused about that whole sniffing the butt thing...

Meanwhile, Back With Socialism's D-Student

Ass Press/Charlie Neibergall via Sondra K
1. Addressing a rally in his home state of Delaware, Joe Biden makes a point to thank both of his supporters.

2. "... and by positioning myself between the far left whackos of MoveOn and the extreme left maniacs of DailyKos, I represent the center of the Democratic party."

3. "So, then, you brush it back over your head and, voila, the perfect comb-over."

4. "Hey! Get these flags out of here! We're Democrats!"

5. ♪ "Walk like an Egyptian!" ♪

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes, I can attest that Craig's stance is about yay wide."

Best of Double The U
...two in the front of the plane, two over the wings and two in the rear of the plane...

Best of The Man
Well technically there is only 1 media microphone here, I bought the other 3 from Radio Shack.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So you can retreat one way, or another. The important thing is to retreat."

Best of Jack Reacher
Great; another duck with a microphone.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I believe my relevance went out through one of those doors."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Senator, could you kindly point out who you plagiarized today's speech from?"

Best of attmay
♪ I'm a little teapot, short and stout,
Here is my handle,
No wait, here is my handle...

What? Those are spouts?!?!?

Good god this is confusing!

Best of Army of Dad
"Instead of using guns people should just point their fingers like this showing the criminals you know who they are!"

Best of metalgarth
Biden found working part time for the NY Jets as 'signal consultant' a much better use of his Sundays than mowing his yard.

Best of Submariner
When performed properly, Crane move is unstoppable, Hillary-san...

Monday One Shot

The Man

1. "Now, I want to see both of you hanging loose behind my tight end."


Best of Son Of The Godfather
The best tackles in the NFL... They cling on to the unfortunate receiver, and never seem to let go.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Q: What do you get if you divide their circumferences by their diameters?
A: DingleBerry Pi.

Best of duke of red
When Dingle and Berry finally split up, it was a hair-pulling, painful time.

Best of Submariner
"Uh, Coach? What'd ya do wit' Roids?"

Best of Jack Reacher
There was a brief disturbance as Sully tried to slip between them.

Best of Submariner
Whadaya say that after the game we head over to Avalon Manor and see about cleanin' the ol' rosebuds?

Best of jbinnout
Players no. 91 and 94, (Goode and Duncan)secretly hated line coach Sully for making them sit in numerical order.

Best of curly
This half time show brought to you by Sheryl Crow.

Best of Capt. Queeg
"What are you two doing hanging around here? Get off your butts!"

More From the Bad Newz Kennelz

AP Photo/Kevin Sanders


1. The Wicked Witch orders her flying monkeys to capture Dorothy*.

2. "Does this smell like Sheehan to you?"

3. "Thank you for your generous $200,000 donations to my campaign, Mrs Wang, Mrs Chun, and Miss Deng."

4. "... and I support Illegal Immigrant Amnesty because I think it's high time another minority group leap-frogged ahead of African-Americans in socio-economic development."

5. "I like your choices, Mrs Clinton, you made some very *big* decisions."

Best of Whacko
"...and ladies, with just a flick of the wrist, the booger just flies off!"

Best of Submariner
Men's room? That way... You might need to light as match.

Best of Jay Guevara
"I picked this one just for you, wiseass."

Best of Submariner
♪ Get.Down.
Boogee-oogee-oogee.
Get.Down.♪

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ok, That was a queef and now I smell cigar, which one of you..."

Best of Robert
Ms. Voldemort doesn't need her wand to cast the torture curse. A look will do.

Best of curly
Thought bubble of Klingon woman behind Hill’s index finger: “If she points that finger at me, it’ll take a village to pull it out of her ass.”

Best of Army of Dad
"I find your lack of faith disturbing"



* And then Dawn's head exploded.

The Willing Suspension of Revulsion

Sondra K


1. In times of stress, Hillary finds kneeling in prayer to be a great comfort. "Oh, Marx, Lenin, and Mao, please guide your faithful servant in her hour of need."

2. "Oh, goddess, I hope they don't recognize me without my red wig and 'Lesbian Power' sign."

3. Hillary pauses from feeding on the flesh of the living long enough to cast a vote for more funding for Planned Parenthood.

4. "Be with you in a minute, I'm just feeding on the blood of this peasant for the common good."

5. "Yup, sliced her clean across the jawline with my McColluch chainsaw and left her skull on the top of her desk." And then, V the K woke up.

Best of Double The U
Bill always said he felt better when Monica was on her knees behind his desk, I figured I would give it a try.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
My Preciousss...

Best of curly
Hillary accepts a bribe from the Mole People.

Best of curly
“Hold on House Speaker Pelosi! I’ve got a trowel and a 5 gallon bucket of sheetrock spackling under my desk; that should see you through to your afternoon Botox injection appointment.”

Best of The Man
Among the earmarks Sen. Clinton requested was one for $40 million for a NY based company that produces really, really large nameplates.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Nope, not down here." New York's junior senator searches for her integrity, but only finds Chinese campaign contributions.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
For her evil deeds in life, Hillary was condemned to Eternity in Whack-a-mole Hell.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It would come to be known as the "Transporter Malfunction That Saved The World".

Best of Submariner
"Please Ma'am, I'd like some more..."

Best of prince of leaves
An AP photographer caught the action when, frustrated with her unpardonable stupidity and self-important grandstanding, Gen. Petraeus pulled the lever on the trap door he had installed in the hearing room in the dead of night.

That Gorgon from Code Pink

LFG

1. Support for the Iraq War has still not sagged as low as her boobs.

2. Susan Sarandon, shown here in her natural look, shows why her make-up artist deserves an Academy Award.

3. "Is this protest gonna last too much longer? I gotta couple of kids back in the oven at my gingerbread house?"

4. Even Silky Pony was put off. "That hair neither bounces nor behaves!"

5. "I'm sorry ma'am, but your nipple piercings are creating sparks as they drag on the pavement, and that's a fire hazard. You'll have to take them out."

Best of Brian_in_MA
Here are some facts about Lesbians:

1. Lesbians are mammals
2. Lesbian's fight ALL the time
3. The purpose of the Lesbian is to look like a smelly pirate hooker

Best of Whacko
The taped-on "LESBIAN POWER" hides the sign's original "FIVE DOLLARS."

Best of Rodney Dill
In later years, Speaker Pelosi found the secret to real power.

Best of sonicfrog
Bitter Lesbian Face!

Best of sonicfrog
Most Unsuccessful.... Prostitute.... Ever!!!!!
All used up and no one to blow.

Best of Van Helsing
If Lesbian Power Around the World is the answer, what was the question? That would be "What would happen if Rosie O'Donnell merged with Exxon?"

Best of curly
“I’ll take ‘Obvious Hillary Clinton Supporters’ for $200, Alex.”

Best of curly
DSA (Dr. Seuss Alert): A walking horse actress who’s into other mares: A pedestrian equestrian thespian lesbian.

Best of Submariner
I'm sorry Ms Streisand, but that is NOT one of the officially recognized tartans. Nope. Uh-uh.

Best of divine miss m
Mean ol' Mr. Gravity's gone and done it again.

Girls with Guns

Army o' Mom

1. "Senator Craig, put down the dwarf and step away from the stall."

2. Senator Clinton's "Electra Woman and Dyna Girl" fantasy was a little unusual, but she paid for the full hour.

3. "We're from Code Pink and we demand the complete dismantlement of the American Imperial War Machine with 24 hours... and we want the letter M stricken from the alphabet."

4. Why "Intern to Stan Lee" is not the resume enhancer you think it is.

5. Hillary liked the Saudi "mutawwaeen" concept so much, she created her own.

Best of Double The U
Now if they would only stop the squealing after they pulled the trigger they would be taken more seriously.

Best of Army of Mom
Wabbit season.
Duck season.
Wabbit season
Duck season - and there he is at the microphone. FIRE!

Best of Army of Mom
Silky Pony, tell us your secret for soft, manageable hair or we'll blast you.

Best of Army of Mom
Oh dear, now I suppose I shall have to use force.

Best of Submariner
We're done with the Venus Butterflies, now it's time for the Noisy Crickets...

Best of SnarkyOne
Daphne morphs into 'Magenta Maiden,' who battles injustice, bad hair and Hillary Clinton. It is rumored John Edwards never misses an episode.

Best of Whacko
"We have genuine Braun hair dryers and we're not afraid to use them!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Homeland Security Directory Chertoff unveils the Womnyn's Border Protection League. Chertoff also bears a striking resemblance to film director John Waters. Coincidence?

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Keep them covered, Dyna Girl, while I fix my slipping space diaper."

Best of Rodney Dill
Ancient weapons and hokey religions are not match for a good blaster.

Best of curly
“That’s the last time I mix Viagra with my anti-psychotic drugs”, said the hallucinating paranoid schizophrenic.

Best of curly
Sully’s psychiatrist analyzes his reoccurring dream: “The lady on the left holding the phallic-symbol gun is your overprotective mother, the one your right is your boyfriend in drag, and the gentlemen exiting the room represents your lost identity as a man.”

Skanque

Sondrak & The Man & Timmah!

1. "You were right, Barbra, they are *So* much more manageable once they've been

2. "... and have 22 young maidens from the village been ex-sanguinated for my beauty bath? Excellent."

3. "Hi, Paris? Yeah, I just wanted to call you, Lindsay, and Brittany and thank you for making a demented old slut like me look classy by comparison."

4. "Guy, I just can't decide between going on another awful tour or making another terrible movie."

5. "Oh, Guy, is there anything better than having 500 milliliters of fetal stem cells coursing through your blood veins? Gawd, I hope they never outlaw partial birth abortion!"

And Now, A Duck with a Microphone

Piscopo.com

1. "... And Brian Willsie snags the puck from Mike Hoffman. He shoots! He scores!"

2. A retarded duck substitutes for Diane Riehm. NPR listeners fail to notice any difference.

3. "AFLAC! AFLAC!" By the time the audience realized it was not part of his stand up routine, Ducky had already choked to death.

4. Unfortunately, Ducky had chosen the stall next to Cyborg Larry Craig.

5. "Well, Anderson, me and the wife began piling up the sandbags as soon as the hurricane warnings came out, so we feel pretty safe."

Best of The Man
I could not find a bunny with a pancake on it's head, so here is a duck with a mic.

Best of Capt. Queeg
Donald delivers the Democratic response to President Bush's address to the nation: "Quackmire! Quackmire!"

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
While Waddle's garbled lip synch of of "Johnny B. Goode" was a big draw at Jack Hanna's Adventureland, the crowd became especially enthusiastic when he did the Chuckberry Walk.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes this is all C4, ALLAHU AFLAC-BAR!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Anyone here from out of town? Yes, sir, where were you hatched?"

Best of Kevin Walker
Suddenly, Waddles flashed back to the night he first met Sully's beagle.

Best of metalgarth
The New York Jets pioneer a new technology to call plays in to the quarterback that will confound the New England Patriots for decades

Best of divine miss m
ORA: Suddenly, the duck realized he had come to the seminar without Professor Liebowitz.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"First we're going to Chicago! Then we're going to Tenessee! Then California, and Texas... YEEEEEARGHHHH!" - Howard the Duck

Best of Brian_in_MA
Little did they know that Hypnoduck was part of the Penguin's scheme to take over Gotham once and for all...

Nice Pom Poms

1. "Call me lazy, but I get tired jumping up after every score. I wish we were cheerleaders for the Wolverines."

2. "Ow! Who just hit me in the back of the head with hotel keys. Oh, hi, Senator Clinton."

3. "Gimme an 'A' ... Gimme an 'l' ... Gimme a 'Qaeda!' Yea Team!" MoveOn's pep squad warms up the YearlyKos crowd.

4. "It's nice to be out of those burqas Southwest Airlines made us wear."

5. "I'd rather be fishing."

Best of jeff
Karrie and Carla watch a replay demonstrating that their breasts bounce up to 8 inches, not 6 as previously thought.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
With a bod like that, I'm not really concerned if she can find America on a map.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I haven't misplaced my IUD since I started carrying it on my belt."

Best of curly
“It looks like somebody’s beating the hell out of those boys from Socialist Action.”

Best of The Man
Opposing teams now have cheerleaders call in the signs to throw off the Patriots and their spies.

Best of
Steve O
Say, isn't that Rightwingsparkle?

You say "fishwife" as though it's a bad thing

The Man


1. "Tricksy little hobbitses! Give us back our precious-s-s-s-s-s-s!"

2. If Reel Big Fish had used this for a CD cover, they might still be around.

3. Give a hot babe a fish and she'll eat for a day. Teach a hot babe to fish, and then you can put her picture up on Thursday and make fun of her.

4. "What is that delightful perfume you're wearing?" Rosie would ask later.

5. Another Thursday, another hooker...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Not tonight dear, I have a Haddock."

Best of The Man
The Blind Boater: Morning ladies!

Best of Army of Dad
With years of internet chat experience, Sally knew things often looked larger in a picture and cleverly positions the fish closer to the camera.

Best of Kevin Walker
*Insert obligatory "What's been inside Sully's ass" caption*

Best of Capt. Queeh
BTW, V, there's a monkey in love with a pigeon over at Drudge
(What do I care what Dennis Kucinich is up to? - V)

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Maybe things will go better for Jenny now that she's found Cod.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The fish looked enormous, but was only millimeters thick... It was a Fluke alright.

Best of curly
“…it was the funniest thing. Rosie dived in and all of these fish just floated to the top.”

Best of duke of red
"Dammit, Trudie, now we'll NEVER get the smell outta that fish!"

People Who Don't Like The War

Zombietime

1. Worst possible name for your pr0n business.

2. "Um, yeah, comrade, did you get the diktat memo from the politburo about the new cover for the TPS reports?"

3. I'M IN UR MEDIA AND UR SCHOOLS AND UR CHURCHES AND UR DEMOCRAT BASE, SCREWIN UP UR COUNTRY

4. "In my fantasy, you have the body of a horse, and really ripped abs."

5. "Hey, Gordon. Can you hand out the lit by yourself for a while. I'm changing into a werewolf."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey, have you read these pamphlets we're supposed to be passing out? This socialism stuff is WHACKED!"

Best of Rodney Dill
If you build it, Cindy will come.

Best of Cybrludite
Suzy waited until the photographer went away to garrotte the two commie-symps.

Best of GregMan
"Hey Alger, let's ditch this commie crap and go tarpon fishing instead."

Best of curly
Despite offering 50% off the regular $1.00 price to ‘visit’ Cindy in the ditch, the Socialist Action fundraiser failed to raise any money.

Best of GregMan
Whittaker Chambers looked down fram Heaven and smiled. The communist threat to America certainly wasn't what it used to be. Nevertheless he took the time to hock a loogie on them.

Best of curly
“Dude, I know you have a wide stance and all, but will you quit rubbing my leg with your petite bourgeoisie, slave labor manufactured, capitalist promoting, Nike Air Force 1 Supreme 07’s?”

Best of curly
“Dey's uh, socialist chauvinism, socialist control and integration, democratic socialism, social fascism, socialist imperialism…Dey’s uh…”

Best of The Man
Can you believe the NY Times let us run an ad for our Socialist booth for only $5.32 for a full page, on Sunday, on the front page?

Best of The Man
The Anarchist Action people burned down our other plot.

Best of Army of Dad
"Maybe these are the single squares of TP Cheryl was talking about."

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
"What? Yeah this was the consession booth for Gorki's Polish Dogs an hour ago. That'll teach 'em to bring a security contingent next year!"

You Did Not See This

The Man

1. This week on Jim Henson's DNC Babies, a young Hillary cops a feel from a young Marian Wright Adelman.

2. "Hey, cutie, welcome to Raisins. Wow, I'm so glad you're here. Everybody else is lame, but you guys look cool."

3. The Thursday Post on John Mark Karr's weblog.

4. "Now all we need to play 'The View' is an obnoxious unfunny comedian little girl and one really, really old little girl."

5. Even at 6 years old, Ellen had flawless gaydar.

Best of The Man
I don't what is wrong with this chick, I was just tapping my foot and now she won't let go.

Best of Kevin Walker
'Ow to speak Gary Glitter: Prom dates.

Best of Army of Mom
Just like that, Sheniqua. Once a month. The American Cancer Society says it is never too early to do breast self-exams.

Best of Army of Mom
Help, this little cracker won't stop hugging me since I said that once you go black, you never go back.

Best of Army of Mom
Little Sally hugged Sheniqua after she saved her from Ms. Michelin's detention dessert.

Best of duke of red
"My momma says you all Nee-grows are thiefin' stinkin' welfare rats, but I like you."

Best of duke of red
Young Hillary Clinton wasted no time in going after the black vote.

Best of duke of red
Cynthia McKinney soon learned the value of a good bitch slap in getting a ho to back up off you.

Best of prince of leaves
April 23, 1973: Janet Jackson is about to have her first wardrobe malfunction.

Best of Whacko
"So, color me --- Oh, wait, I am colored."

Best of Double The U
Little Susan had to spend the rest of the school year learning about "bad touch" she was also charged with a hate crime.

Best of Jonathan
Obama's education plan seems to be a big hit with the kids.

Best of Submariner
Rosie's kid kept bringing home notes from teacher that said "Your daughter plays a little TOO WELL with others."

Into the Turf, Scum Queen

1. It may seem harsh, but it's the only way she's going to learn not to pee on the pitch.

2. "Call Me. (signed) Hillary"

3. ORA: "This tastes like a hybrid, a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia."

4. In DNC Soccer Action, Hillary's "Turf Munchers" wiped the floor with John Edwards "Limp-Wristed Sissy Boys."

5. Suddenly, Ellen was reminded of her wild one-night fling with the vegan brownie girl.

Best of Chrees
Lay There Like Posh

Best of Brian_in_MA
Soccer throughout History: "Madness? This is SPARTA!"

Best of curly
“…In other news, a young girl was thrown from a crashed taxi and on to a soccer field...”

Best of curly
“Yuck! Centaur poop!”

Best of curly
“Thank goodness for my new ‘Sniff-and-Find’ contact lenses” said the very near sighted Sally.

Best of The Man
Kobe, I'm opemmmgffffff

Best of The Man
Lindsey Lohan was soon off the Mountain Oaks Rehab soccer team after snorting the entire midfield line.

Best of curly
The call to prayer came at an awkward time for Fatima.

Best of Army of Mom
Susie was preparing early on to give her children the Catholic mommy guilt. Go ahead, walk all over me, she was often heard repeating.

Best of Army of Mom
Coach found it harder and harder to instruct his special needs team members.

Best of Army of Mom
Coach made a note to cancel the pre-game yoga meditations when Sally got stressed and started assuming positions that were probably not appropriate in the middle of the game.

Best of Army of Mom
Sally, hot on the scent of lusty lesbo soccer players couldn't resist the urge to track them and pounce.

Best of duke of red
Sally, having lost all use of her arms and legs, was reduced to using her teeth to pull herself around the soccer field.

Best of Submariner
World cup players are generally cranky when someone shows up with any brand but Vodaphone...

Crazee Taxee

Dima Gavrysh/Ass Press Photo


1. "Late for another vote, Mr. Kennedy?"

2. "Looks like your detonator's a dud, Mohammed. Now, back up and get me to LaGuardia!"

3. Her career in tatters, a desperate Lindsay Lohan is forced to work as a cab driver.

4. WTF. I GOT IN ACCIDENT. GOT 2 GO. K BAI

5. ORA: By the time Reverend Jim got done asking what a yellow light meant, it was too late.


Best of sonicfrog
OK, maybe US Middle East policy isn't as effective as we would like, but when Al Qaeda is reduced to flying Taxis into buildings, well you would have to say their ability to pull off spectacular attacks has definitely been hampered by... something.

Best of sonicfrog
Mom, can you come get me? It happened again.

Best of Submariner
After she got off the floor boards, Joni Mitchell thanked the driver for the song inspiration...

Best of Submariner
Although unorthodox, Regina DID manage to be first in line for "The Deathly Hallows."

Best of curly
"Oh well, at least it's facing Mecca."

Best of Jack Reacher
"It was the damnedest thing, this bear just jumped into the back, and went nuts. When? I dunno, a few dozen captions back."

Best of Jack Reacher
IM IN UR STOR, PARKD IN AISLE 1.

A 9-11 Salute to Our Fabulous Metrosexual Enemy

Proud to be Canadian (for some reason)


1. "Oh, Mr. Edwards. You aren't just good, you're the best!

2. "Oh no, Dhimmi Howard Dean. I accidentally used your talking points memo as the script for my next jihad video. Do you think anyone will notice?"

3. "No, this just isn't me. Get me the Winnie-the-Pooh footies."

4. Michael Jackson's slumber parties are pale shadow of their former glory.

5. "Thanks for letting me stay in your guest house, Mr. Carter. I was afraid the screams of my hyena boy would wake up Amy and Rosalyn, but I figured they got used to it during the Arafat years."


Best of Rodney Dill
In a Super-8 motel in Kalamazoo Michigan, down the hall from Elvis.

Best of Jack Reacher
Hey, Mullah Omar, check this out: We are two wild and crazy guys!.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Madame Speaker, thanks for agreeing to meet me here. Can I fix you a drink?"

Best of The Man
Osama decided that it's finally safe to emerge from his cave outside Ann Arbor, Michigan since he's no longer the most hated man there.

Best of Shayne
Wow, Mel Gibson really let himself go!

Best of curly
"Quit hiding in the bathroom, Silky Pony! I promise to be gentle."

Best of Submariner
Thanks for this pic V; I always wondered what a "spotted dick" looked like...

Best of Jay Guevara
"Hey, Hef, where'd you say the pool was?"

Best of SnarkyOne
A pillbox hat with a jumpsuit? Is he mad?

The Centaur Guy in the Meadow

Thanks, I guess, to evariste


1. John Edwards, your magical, wonderful prom date is here.

2. "Why, yes! I was born in Enumclaw! How did you know?"

3. "And is there anyway we could pull out of Iraq faster, Mr. Magical Centaur fairy?" Dennis Kucinich confers with his chief foreign policy advisor.

4. Even Michael J Fox was not thrilled with the latest "achievement" of Missouri's embryonic stem cell research establishment.

5. Opus and Hodgepodge were livid. "Hey! Who crapped all over the dandelion patch."

Best of Zeke
Life was good on the open plains for the centaur tribes until the white man came and brought their fire water and their video cameras...

Best of The Man
But Senator Craig, you specifically requested an intern that was white and hung like a horse. This was the best we could do.

Very Best of prince of leaves
"Um...Miss Ingraham? There's a centaur here to see you, says he wants you to stop using his name as a John Edwards joke..."

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh give me a home,
Where the chimaera roam,
Where centaurs and jackelopes play..."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"It's great to be hung like a horse, but the downside is I usually step in my own crap."

Best of sonicfrog
♫ I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of ♫
{scraaaatch} If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - Kevin - My Name Is Kevin!!!..... Idoit!!!!!

Best of Jack Reacher
"I know you wished to see an honest Democrat in Congress, but I was the only mythical creature available on short notice."

Best of SnarkyOne
Broke Back Mountain...mmmyeah.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I was hoping for an audition with Daniel Radcliffe."

Best of curly
No one could toe tap like the Centaur Guy from the Meadow.

Best of Van Helsing
Just the thing to get Andrew Sullivan in the mood for a little horseplay.