Not Normal

Sondra K


1. The Borg were never the same after they assimilated West Hollywood.

2. John Edwards announced his running mate today...

3. Larry Craig's denials become progressively less plausible.

4. A happy couple celebrates the overturning of Iowa's "Defense of Marriage" law.

5. Moby has never looked more butch.

6. Leona Helmsley's dog quickly burned through its $12 million inheritance.

7. Not just questioning his sexuality, but actually waterboarding it.

8. Every time you masturbate, God kills an androgynous freak and his yappy little dog. Please keep masturbating!

9. "Well, if this sh1thole of a country doesn't elect Ron Paul, Fufu and I are moving to Belgium!"

10. Sullivan always looked forward to Labor Day, when the tourists would finally go away leaving only the "normal" people of Provincetown.

Best of jeff
"Okay, who suspended the horse from the ceiling?"

Best of Submariner
When we return after the break, Due to the focus on Apple, Grape's behavior takes an unusual twist as he seeks attention at any cost on E! True Hollywood Confessions: Fruits in the Loom.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"He's doing Blue Steel!... It's... It's magnificent!"

Best of Zeke
After the breakup on the Borg Collective some former members expressed a bit too much self expression.

Best of Double the U
I call him, "George Bush" that way he can yelp when *I screw him* Bumliquor was a favorite poster at the Democratic Underground.

Best of Jonathan
"Velcum to Sprockets! I am your hose Deiter. Today, we preview the new avant-garte film entitled 'Tumorboy and the Mothdog Prophecies'."

Best of Jonathan
If that's not worthy of some Crazy Candy, I don't know what is!

Best of curly
‘Bring your dog to work day’ was a festive occasion for some of Ron Paul’s interns.

Best of Whacko
Dog thought baloon: "On second thought, maybe I'd be better off at the Bad Newz Kennels."

Best of Rodney Dill
It's good to see Johnny Depp return to his roots.

Best of Rodney Dill
"It's the latest fashion craze, He's surgically attached to my nipple."

Early Money Is Like a Yeast Infection

1. Trinity has really really really really really really REALLY let herself go.

2. The Giant Alien Robot Conqueror extended his Cyberpenis at President Hilldog and ordered her to "Go Newsom on this!" Alas, her complete lack of a gag reflex would have doomed humanity to extinction had not Larry Craig hurried to the rescue.

3. "Hey! Illicit money from sleazy contributors is the mother's milk of politics, and no one ever accused me of being lactose intolerant."

4. ORA: Babu would always blame Hilldog for the failure of his multi-ethnic restaurant, and would always describe her as a "bad, bad, man."

5. "What do you mean 'held over?' How much f**kin' cleavage do I have to show to get a Thursday post?"

6. "Unfortunately, we had to donate the illegal campaign contributions to charity. But, luckily Al Franken was on hand to tell us how we could shakedown children's hospitals to make up the difference."

7. "And on my right, some guy named Gandhi who used to run a gas station down in St. Louis."

8. "C'mon, you guys in the media don't really want to talk about yet another Clinton fundraising scandal, do you? Hey, look! Over there! Larry Craig's going into a men's room. And, over there, John Edwards is getting a haircut!"

9. "Distinguished representatives of the Netroots, the man on my right is not Bobby Jindal! Please stop throwing feces at him."

10. Babu should have been honored to share the stage with Hilldog, but he just couldn't stop staring at her bulge.

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary: "Yes I'm changing my name, as macaca here tells me Stevie Wonder Woman polls the best."
Man: "You could try keeping your mouth shut too."

Best of Rodney Dill
"How do you like my new Vince Foster Grants."

Best of curly
“…and although my opponent has suggested nuking the Pakistanis, I would suggest that we simply shake them down for more illegal contributions.”

Best of Jack Reacher
"And once elected, I plan to introduce a revolutionary concept: Pre-paid pardons. Make your payment now, and your pardon--should you need one--will be automatic."

Best of Jack Reacher
Phil Collins attempts to hide his discomfort while Hillary Clinton sings the National Anthem.

Best of Jay Guevara
Thought bubble from guy: "Damn, I wish Hillary hadn't had that burrito for lunch. Maybe I can just ease around to the upwind side of her..."

Best of Submariner
Queef? What is mean, word queeeeeeoooooooooooh my Prophet!

Best of Submariner
Yes, Wolf, rumor does have it that Larry Craig only went "palm up" after he shared the Senate urinal with me.

Best of Kaptain
"Are you sure you aren't a Republican, Hillary? That's a mighty "Big Tent" you've got there, if you know what I mean. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go bleach my eyeballs."

Best of the doyle
You know when I squint like this she almost looks human.

I NOT APEEL 2 U? R U LARRY CRAGE?

1. Lost prepares for sweeps month.

2. Best of Senator Larry Craig: "Oh, yeah. She is so hot. Mmmm-hmmm. Jiminy, I sure would like to touch her penis... I mean BOOOBIES! BOOBIES!"

3 . "Hello, Mr. Cheney. Care for some 'Offshore Drilling?'"

4. Best of Senator Hillary Clinton: "Hi, Chelsea. It's mom. Hey, darnedest thing, I was cleaning out an old storage locker and I came across some pics from your senior Spring Break trip. Do you remember a blond girl who wore a beige two-piece? What was her name? Do you guys still, um, keep in touch by any chance?"

5. "Well, there were hypodermic needles, used tampons, algae, and beer cans all over the place. But aside from that, my weekend at the Kennedy Compound was pretty good."

Best of curly
Pert, bouncy, full bodied, curvy…Of course I’m talking about John Edwards’ hair.

Best of Jack Reacher
Her mortgage is the only thing sub-prime on her.

Best of Jack Reacher
I hear the other sorority girls call her GEICO: So easy a caveman could do her.

Best of Submariner
'minds me of that afternoon at the Japanese ballet - one l'il Nip in the air after another...

Shall We Shag Now, Or Shag Later?

1. "A wampa-skin rug? Dang, you are a geek."

2. The Clinton Breakfast Special: A bus-station skank on a bed of shredded wheat.

3. "OK, in this version of The Fantastic Voyage, Catherine Zeta-Jones is miniaturized and forced to kill head lice on Carl Levin's combover. We think we can get the Predator guys to CGI the head lice."

4. "...hack... hack... SPPLLLKKKK... sorry, hairball."

5. "A smoke break in the middle of my butt-wax? WTF do I pay you for, Hernando?"

6. "Do I make you hot, Senator Craig? Tap once for yes, twice for no."

Best of Cybrludite
Um, why did VtK post a pic of Michael Jackson on Thursday morning? A fairly old pic of him, too...

Best of Kaptain
IM IN UR RUGZ. I CAN HAS?

Best of curly
“We’ll need a hair brush and an air brush for this shot.”

Best of curly
They sag on my shag and she’s on the rag…what a drag.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"You look warm, Catherine. Perhaps you should remove that binding skirt?"

Best of Capt. Queeg
Let's just hope the carpet doesn't match the rug.

"You Have A Kind Face"

Breitbart via Shayne



1. "No, this isn't the kiss of death. The kiss of death is when I say 'you're doing a heck of a job' or 'see you at the signing ceremony.'"

2. "Hmm, looks healthy, clean, articulate, good strong teeth. I'll give you $300 for him."

3. "Harok... ptui!!"

4. "I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid."

5. "Hey, buck up little camper. Soon as John Edwards finishes foreclosing on all the poor folks in your city, that crime rate should go right down."

Best of jeff
"Just a minute - lemme straighten that out for you."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Mmmm!..Chocolate!"

Best of Van Helsing
"I thought so. These neck bolts weren't screwed on tightly enough."

Best of Army of Dad
I knew it was you Ray, I knew it was you.
//bad Godfather paraphrasing

Best of The Man
The Vanilla Warrior and Chocolate Thunder part ways for the last time.

Best of Paul Raposo
"I don't wanna eat all of ya son, just your soul!"

Best of andthenblammo!
"Good news, Ray: since your party's back in power in Congress, they're appointing a panel to look into Katrina again. Bad news is, Tim Johnson's the chairman."

Low - V

Best of Rodney Dill
No I'm not a Chiropractor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express lastnight.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I love your show, Montel."

Best of lawhawk
Yes.... you will do. Kali will be most satisfied with you...

Best of Cybrludite
Oh, by the way, Ray, the FBI is going through your freezer right now. Say "Hi!" to Bill Jefferson and Edwin Edwards when you get to Huntsville...

Best of Kaptain
"You know, from this angle, your head does look like a Magic 8-Ball!"

Best of the doyle
"...Bush then crushed Nagin's head." MORTAL KOMBAT! TOTAL VICTORY!

Best of Capt. Queeg
"You're doin' a heckuva job, Brownie."

You Call That Safe?

Fred Miranda

1. 'Ow to speak NAMBLA: "Limber"

2. "Coach warned you not to pick your nose again, Marshall."

3. "Aw, why can't we have an epileptic kid on our team?"

4. They all made fun of him until he was offered a $90,000 a year internship in Barney Frank's office.

5. "He's fine. Before you die, you lose control of your... ooooh, never mind."

Best of divine miss m
If he can't cut it in little league, he's got a great future in Cirque du Soleil.

Best of curly
“John Edwards may be good, but you suck, Billy.”

Best of The Man
Mike, always the showoff, does 'The Worm' all the way to second.

Best of Army of Dad
Jimmy's mom felt very guilty for telling the coach he son was sick the day they practiced sliding.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"All your 2nd base are belong to us."

Best of lawhawk
Bob and Steve looked on helplessly as Danny completed the first ever attempted reverse dismount stolen base.

Best of Steve O
The young Senator Craig used to have a wide, wide batting stance.

Best of Cybrludite
Yeah, second base & shortstop haven't had much to do ever since the right fielder got a sniper-rifle. It has cut down on opposing runs, though.

Best of Rodney Dill
When Tony Soprano played as a child, no one stole second on him.

Best of Army of Dad
Im in ur field stealing ur bases

More Toilet Humor... With a Kitty!

1. IF I HIDES HEER. SENATER LARRY CRAIG WONT FINDS ME.

2. MMM. CORNS IS DELISHUS.

3. HEER'S UR PROBLEM. U NEEDS NEW FLAPPER. THAT BE $200.

4. "He's been throwing up ever since he saw that shirtless Ted Kennedy pic."

5. WHY U FLUSH ME? I NOT DED GOLDFISH?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hmmm, I smell gerbils, Sully's been here."

Best of jeff
"Iz coldist water in houz."

Best of Shayne
"Mmmm,John Edwards IS good!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I'M IN UR STOOPID BOWL, SWATTING UR DUMB DOOKIES

Best of Zeke
Micheal Moore has a real problem with chewing his food

Best of divine miss m
Toonces' secret vice: a good swirly.

Best of curly
Fluffy, the airport’s unofficial mascot, always enjoyed the ‘cream’ left behind after Sen. Craig used the men’s room.

Why Do These Republican Congressman Keep S**king My C**k?

The Title of This Post is a The Onion Reference


1. "OMG, Senator Craig, for the love of God, put that thing away."

2. "OMG, Senator Clinton, for the love of God, put that thing away."

3. "If I were just a little more limber, I wouldn't need to keep meeting Senator Craig like this."

4. "Patrick Kennedy's gonna kill me when he finds out I flushed the entire stash because of a f**king firetruck."

5. "Finally! I'm in the right place for my laxative to kick in!"

Best of The Man
I cannot believe I drafted Vick in the first round.

Best of curly
CrapThis!

Best of curly
“The problem in hanging with Sheryl Crow is that there’s no friggin’ toilet paper! I guess I’ll just have to wipe the excess in my hair.”

Best of curly
John Edwards is good!

Best of Silhouette
Rodin's The Stinker

Best of CJ
"Dammit. Why did I have to get Larry Craig as my accountabilibuddy?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We title this photo: "Don't buy seafood from a guy in a van".

Best of Paul Raposo
First Bob Allen, then Larry Craig--that's the last time I use the can at a Republican fund raiser.

Kobe's Worst Nightmare

1. ♪"STOP! In the Name of Love! Be-fore you break my heart."♫

2. Spot the Tranny. Easiest Round Ever.

3. "It's... some... kind... of... force... field..."

4. ♫"I know that I can't take no more/It ain't no lie/I wanna see you out that door/ Baby, bye, bye, bye..."♫

5. "Yo! Patrick Kennedy! Three beers over here, Dawg!"


Best of Silhouette
Nice hat.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I, state your name..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Who here believes that SOTG is a total caption hog?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Which of you did Submariner ask to prom?

Best of divine miss m
♫ "So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye...
the sun...has gone...to bed and so must I."♫

Best of captainobvious
While two of them decided to be serious me Sharp decided to lighten the mood by doing the dancing baby...

Best of curly
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Best of Army of Mom
Which of you would do the Scarlett babe from Thursday?

Best of curly
Since swearing on the Bible became politically incorrect, those called to testify before the Senate must now perform the Macarena.

Best of lawhawk
Please raise your hand if Larry Craig took a pass at you.

Another Victim of Silky Pony's Hypno-Hair

Sondra K

1. Ever in search of the ideal voting demographic (pretty hair, room-temperature IQ), Miss Teen USA pageants were a gold-mine for the Edwards campaign.

2. Jennifer suddenly realizes, "Hey, if you're not that guy who talks to dead people, WTF am I doing here?"

3. Another voter's eyes glaze over as Edwards lectures on and on about the dangerous lie of "shampoo-and-conditioner-in-one."

4. "And when I snap my fingers, you'll feel perfectly refreshed and believe those people in New Orleans deserved it when I foreclosed on them."

5. LOL SILKY PONY: "UR HAIR IZ PRETTY. U HAS BRUTHER?"

Best of Rodney Dill
(on back)
...But Ward Churchill ROCKS

Best of Submariner
(on back)
...But Hillary's a better man.

Best of Submariner
(on back)
...at channeling dead babies.

Best of Jay Guevara
(on back) ...at writing vapid t-shirt slogans

Best of Son Of The Godfather
(on back)...
...with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
(on back)
...the way that kid who could wish things into the cornfield from The Twilight Zone is good.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
(on back)
...for the metrosexual movement

Best of Jack Reacher
on back: But I prefer men.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
(on back)
...he got me $21.8 million for a botched boob job!

Best of Rodney Dill
(on back)
...for a few laughs

Saturday Noir Part II

Lileks

1. "As a matter of fact, Senator Jim Webb would like to supersize that!"

2. "$65.00 for an oil change? Screw you Jiffy Lube!"

3. Markos Moulitsas does a drive-by on the Democratic Leadership Council from the back of chauffeur-driver PT Cruiser.

4. Stunt casting gone horribly awry: Michael Keaton in Sin City 2.

5. Where will you be when your murderous psychopathic rage kicks in?

Best of Jack Reacher
"Give me the Grey Poupon and nobody gets hurt!"

Best of Submariner
Sen. Clinton likes you, sugar. She said "Get in the car," so you GET IN in the car. Capiche?

Best of lawhawk
At long last, Lt. Dan finally has Forest in his sights.

Best of David Simon
The mystery of Lance Briggs' totaled Lamorghini was solved when an anonymous photographer turned this photo in to the police.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"G-d dammnit, I WILL have Jodie Foster!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I swear, one more insipidly stupid answer, and I'm gonna go completely bonkers! Oh good, Miss South Carolina's up. let's hear what she has to say about education...

Best of Cybrludite
"How unfortunate you discovered my business interests in the Iotian power structure, Captain. Logic demands that I kill you to conceal the Vulcan control of the Fizzbin casinos. I do hope you understand that this is strictly a business transaction and is, in fact, nothing personal." - Spock from the first draft of "A Piece Of The Action" Screenplay by Mario Puzo & Francis Ford Coppola.

Saturday Noir Part I

Lileks


1. "Oh, no, Chelsea... not you too!" Another Chappaqua maiden is about to be deflowered.

2. "Damn, my Stepford wife is stuck in 'Macarena' mode."

3."All right, Darren's out the door, and Tabitha's at pre-school, time to zap myself to Chippendale's."

4. "Why yes, Jack Keruouac and Allen Ginsburg stopped by. How can you tell? What smell?"

5. "Sorry, Billy, you know the penalty for leaving a glass on the sink... five hours in the sweatbox."

Best of Jack Reacher
"You can have my book of Green Stamps when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."

Best of Whacko
"OK, UPS brought my vibrator. Now, where can I hide it so the kids wont find it?"

Best of Double the U
Mary was traumatized when another supporter of Ron Paul tried telling her how wonderful he is.

Best of Cassandra
Wiping away a tear, Mary remembered good old days before John Roberts was confirmed and women were once again chained to their Easy Bake ovens, condemned to churn out endless batches of pink frosted cupcakes for fat, freckled screaming brats. If only she'd listened to Ted Kennedy...

Best of Submariner
Is that a wv or a vvv? a cl or a d? Darn you V. the K. and your verification words; darn you to heck!

Best of prince of leaves
Thought bubble: "I'll just have to fix the leak myself -- if I call a plumber, he's going to find all the dead Fuller Brush salesmen in the crawlspace."

Some Moron from Wankette

HT: Metalgarth

1. "No, Mr. Frog, I'm not play pocket pool with... No, Mr. Frog, please, I didn't mean to... No, Mr. Frog please don't use the ball peen hammer on my nutsak again..."

2. Blah Blah Blah Sullivan Blah Blah Blah fisting ...

3. Magritte's "Ceci n'est pas un grenouille avec un fumeur de pipe."

4. "Dammit! My mittens are still pinned to my winter coat. I'll just have to make do."

5. "Mr. Oz. I'm your Number One fan!!" The Muppet version of Misery went straight to DVD.

Best of Submariner
Tim began to worry about Al when "Mr. Frog" quit giving safety tips and began discussing the bar scene...

Best of Army of Mom
Frog: Merlin, you really should give up your Spock fantasies and let your eyebrows grow back normally.

Best of metalgarth
"The Secret life of the Brawny Paper Towel man and Kermit the Frog" a holiday special brought to you by the letters "F","A" and "G".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
His literary career in shambles, Scott Beauchamp hones his ventriloquist skills.

Best of Jack Reacher
A New York Times reporter converses with his "confidential, highly-placed source within the administration."

Best of David Simon
Yecch, a slimy creature that likes to eat disgusting things. Cute puppet though.

Best of Double the U
Jim Hanson and Kermit both let themselves go near the end.

Heh. Ginger Kid With a Rocket. This Should Amuse Me Briefly

Piscopo.com

1. "Yes, sir... I bought the rocket, the pajamas, and the deluxe sleep apnea mask at Mr. Sullivan's yard sale."

2. Virgin Galactic may not live up to the hype.

3. "School's gonna be startin' a little late this year, Allah willing."

4. "She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero-hour, nine A.M." Just you wait mom, when the other kids see how I went all-out for the karaoke contest, I'll be the coolest kid in school.

5. Cap This Classic: "I'll take 'Dreams Barney Frank has had for $400 Alex."

Best of the doyle
And one more child reaches for the stars and a life of never getting laid.

Best of duke of red
Billy immediately regretted farting in his space suit.

Best of Rodney Dill
MIB -- Episode 1

Best of Son Of The Godfather
My Favorite Munchkin

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"The suit? Ah heck, that's just to lull everyone into thinking I'm a cute kid... The real prize goes to the thermonuclear warhead behind me that's aimed at Berkeley."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Mars Needs Treadmills

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Brilliant: Building a rocket out of household items.
Not So Brilliant: Focusing the mid-day sun on your freckled ginger puss by wearing a concave, 360 degree magnifying glass.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No Ma... I haven't seen the cat."

Best of Shayne
"One small step for man, one giant tampon for Hillary"

Best of Shayne
"Ground Control to Major Nerd..."

Best of Submariner
Fleshy Gordon

Best of Rodney Dill
"Aw, but Mom, Billy has one aimed at our house."

Best of Rodney Dill
Tom Hanks was crushed when he found his son idolized Tim Allen.

Hello Nurse

CJ

1. "No, I've never performed neurosurgery before, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express."

2. "Now, just hold still, and as soon as we get those unsightly testicles removed, you'll be fit to work in the Hillary 2008 Campaign."

3. All was forgiven after John Edwards finally got a bare-chested Thursday babe he could get into.

4. "Last I remember, some fat bearded guy named Sully offered me a cocktail. Next thing I knew, I woke up naked in a U-Stor-It with a live gerbil shoved up my poop chute."

5. "You should know that next week, HillaryCare goes into effect. All the hot nurses will be fired. I personally will be replaced by the pot-smoking gargoyle from Tuesday."

Best of Rodney Dill
"You've just gotta live, I don't think I have room for a red 10 on my shirt."

Best of Whacko
"Where are you? You're in my parent's basement. Why do you ask? Now hold still while I cauterize that booger."

Best of Submariner
Saw IV had a bit lower budget and could only afford a Dremel Tool.

Best of Submariner
ORA: Actually, I was an exotic dancer before I came to New Quahog and got this gig as the dentist.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"OK, like, hold still, OK?... Like, I'm supposed to use one of these to take your temperature, and the other to take some other sorta numbers, I think... Hey, aren't you Josh from the football team? Like, I really enjoyed Friday's game! My friend Tisha was like 'Oh, you should like really ask him out already!' And i was like 'No way, Tish, He's too fine!' And she goes 'WAY! Just go for it' and I go "As IF!', then Tish totally goes off on me for..."
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

Best of captainobvious
Worst Abercrombie and Fitch cover picture ever.

Best of Double the U
Stop screaming, the doctor told me to make sure everything was sterile before he came in.

Best of curly
Although extreme safety precautions must be undertaken, nothing whitens your teeth like tainted, lead laced Chinese toothpaste.

Best of Jack Reacher
"They said we're supposed to dissect a pig, but that sounded pretty boring. So, I'm starting with you. Neat, huh?"

Best of Cybrludite
Note to self: Find out what town this is & get severely injured there.

Best of the doyle
I'll ask you once more...is she prettier than me?

Best of Kaptain
"Yick, smooth-chested men leave me clammy." The sad thing is, somebody will get this reference.

Somebody did - V

Black and White and Scarlett All Over

Sondrak K
1. "Oh, I just the most awful dream. I was a sick black woman and this horrible witch in an orange smock kept wanting to 'take my temperature.'"

2. "Oh, I just had the most awful dream that a bunch of internet geeks were fighting over who would take me to the prom."

3. "O.K., Mrs. Clinton, I'll put the lotion on my skin. Please put the hose away."

4. "Seriously, am I not a more compelling spokesman for the Sleep Number bed than Rush Limbaugh?"

5. "Whose been sleeping in my bed, and wearing my black taffeta Donna Karan original?" -- Excerpt from the new children's book, Goldilocks and the Three Andrew Sullivans.

Best of Jack Reacher
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? Oh, it's Thursday, isn't it?"

Best of The Man
Mr. Vick I am here for your conjugal visit. Let me guess...doggie style as usual?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
She's kinda like an Oreo cookie... and I eat those starting with the white part.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"The man" shows off his special edition Film Noir Fembot 2.0

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I think I now know what Rosie O'Donnell feels when she looks at chocolate.

Best of Submariner
Papa spank?

Best of curly
The juxtaposition of black on white, the vapid stare, aloof yet obviously clean and articulate: the constant bombardment of Obama ads is frightening!

Best of Occasional Reader
After a night of tipsy, Scandanavian golf-cart driving, nothing makes Bill Murray happier than to dream of that "alternate ending" to Lost in Translation.

Best of Submariner
Ennui, when will you release me?

Best of captainobvious
here pertruding breasts helped keep the fact that she had lost an entire leg a secret.

Hell's Nurse

1. 2010: President Clinton visits one of her many re-education facilities and visits a newly lobotomized Conservative. "I love Big Sister!"

2. We've replaced Tamanda's morphine drip with pure heroin, let's see if she notices.

3. "What's she in for? Partial Birth abortion? Can I hold the tongs?"

4. "Tawanda, you are a perfect tissue match and I need that liver. So, I've got to take it away from you for the common good."

5. "I'm so sorry Tawanda. I should have lubed the strap-on before I penetrated you."



Best of Army of Dad
Brave Lashanda here will be the first to die under my universal healthcare plan.

Best of duke of red
*Gasp!! "M..miss hillary! You be standin' on my buh..buh..breathin' tube!"

Best of duke of red
Hillary: "Dammit, Bill, get out from under the covers!!"

Best of The Man
Welcome to socialized medicine. Your doctor will be here any month now.

Best of Van Helsing
LaTwalanda is recovering nicely after having seen Shrillary expose herself in the ladies' room.

Best of Double the U
Like this? This will be the last time any of you see any hospital this good.

Best of Submariner
"...and since they's on'y one freakin' doctor available under the new plan, Mr. Clinton here is providin' fried chicken and watermelon til my turn comes up."

Best of Rodney Dill
"No nurse! I meant a Saltine."

Best of curly
Shortly after the hungry Tawanda yelled for a “cracker, bitch” to the duty nurse, Hilldog turned up.

Best of ThatGayConservative
"Do you know what this means for the firm? The billable hours? I can finally build that lakehouse and I'll run around naked all day. HA!HA! Dangly parts."

Hassled by the Man (No Offense to 'The Man')

The Man/Tennessean

1. "Well, it's gettin' on to sundown. Best get your ass outta Livonia, don't you think, boy?"

2. ORA: The Cigarette Smoking Man approaches a young Agent Kersh, and advises him to get his ass outta Livonia before sundown.

3. "OK, 'Willis,' Tony Cox is waiting in the limo. And remember, it's not 'Congressman Frank' it's 'Mr. Drummond.' Got it?"

4. "Excuse me, but Mr. Edwards saw your crutches and wanted to know if you were injured in a slip and fall incident."

5. "You shoulda known the Chargers would never beat the spread. Do you got the rest of the vig, or do I have to break your arms, too?"

Best of Double the U
So Al Sharpton gave you these crutches, a new plasma TV, all the money in that bag and a Xbox just for telling the press a bunch of white boys beat the hell out of you?

Best of The Man
All you dumb crackers seem to like Obama for no particular reason. I, myself, am more of a Lanakila Washington fan.

Best of Shayne
"No suh, Massa K. I sho dint tell nobody 'bout gettin' yo prom dress cleaned, suh."

Best of Submariner
As a courtesy, the DNC is now handing out blue nylon barf bags at the start of every debate...

Best of Submariner
OK, here's your thousand, so remember; when Cheney gets close you clutch his leg and fall down screaming "You got my daddy killed in Iraq!" And make DAMN sure you get away before a reporter asks who he was.

Best of Capt. Queeg
Finally. A post where a moron listens to a story and educates himself. Satisfied, Dawn?

Best of David Simon
The remake of Trading Places starring Harvey Keitel and Don Cheadle was a box office failure.

Best of Submariner
Sesame Street? Nope - don't know the way, but if you're interested we could take a little trip to Avalon Manor?

Best of Rodney Dill
"You... want... MORE!?!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ya shoulda known that baby could kick your ass."

Elegantly Basted

American Digest: Photos from a Seattle Hempfest

1. A rebellious Jenna Bush walks down the aisle with Henry Hager.

2. "You made me miss spamming Ron Paul on-line polls for this?"

3. "I told you, I was too stoned to do laundry. I said I was sorry. Let it go."

4. "I don't know how to break this to you, that 'necklace' you bought at Sully's yard sale is a string of anal beads."

5. "So, what's your position on nationalized health... Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Dennis Kucinich."

Best of Double the U
Yup, take the top off that acorn and you got a nut underneath.

Best of Silhouette
"So, anyway, I clicked on the picture, and it's Bush wearing black socks with Crocs. And I'm like, 'How tacky can you get?' Right?"

Best of Silhouette
"Ward, they didn't buy the Cherokee thing. I'm pretty sure they're not going to believe you're Japanese now."

Best of Army of Mom
Liam, I saw this fat ugly hippy with crocs that would match your kimono perfectly. Let me flash her and while she is standing their goggle-eyed, you take her shoes.

Best of Jack Reacher
Bill practiced an eco-friendly lifestyle by, among other things, recycling old dining room lamp fixtures as hats.

Best of David Simon
"I'm over the cross-dressing thing, and well, I guess there are a few straight guys who listen to Barbara Streisand. But now I find out that your voting for John Edwards. Is there something you're not telling me?"

Best of The Man
With Garafalo on 24 now, I cannot wait for Season 7.

Best of Rodney Dill
Hey Jesus, there's a great party over at Judas place tonight, wanna come.

Best of the doyle
I see they've already cast Zonker in the live-action Doonesbury. "Heeewack"

Best of jeff
"Trojan Man II" would go down in history as a bigger marketing failure than even "New Coke."

Best of Submariner
So THAT'S what happened to the old Q'Bert screens.

More Fun with Mary Jane

American Digest: Photos from a Seattle Hempfest

Demotivator

1. Lindsey Lohan's downward spiral accelerates.

2. "My mom? That couldn't be my mom. My mom was killed in a tragic luge accident. I have no idea who that woman is."

3. Scenes from a Democrat "Policy Meeting": Obama sighed, "Never mind, Mikulski, you can keep my dashiki... and my crocs."

4. "I am the Goddess of Gaia... also, I teach fourth grade in the Seattle public schools."

5. "OK, one more lid and then we have to get back to our jobs fact-checking at The New Republic."

♫ You can do anything that you wanna do, but honey lay off of my blue recycled plastic, Walmart rejected, Chinese slave labor made, cornhole-me-now, welfare shoes. ♫


Ron Paul had a strong following at the Iowa Straw poll, however most of his supporters don't bathe... I mean vote.


When Steve Forbes finally came out of the closet, it was done boldly and with extreme prejudice.


Gargoyles gone wild!


Moments later, the Vogon began reading poetry and slayed the few blind crowd members that hadn't seen it dance.


The Lake Wobegon Effect only fed Edmund's complacency


She kept dancing because every few minutes Janet Reno would step forward to stuff $20 bills into her soiled underwear.


This is your brain on drugs. There had better not be any questions.


"We replaced Helen's normal skunk weed with our Folger's Choice Jamaican Wowie brand. Let's see how she reacts..."


Crowd: "Legalize it! Legalize it!"
Helen: "Yeah! Free Love!"
*pause*
Crowd: "Just say NO! Just say NO!"


That's the flimsiest chastity belt I've ever seen - and also the most superfluous one.


At least we can all be thankful that the rainbow javelin got the one behind her.


A challenger from the right wing of the Democratic Party today held a rally to announce her candidacy for Patty Murray's Senate seat.


Since Air America's fundraising scandal, Al Franken has had to work overtime.


Silky Pony channels Andrea Dworkin after trying some really good ganga.


"Eargh, it's back to the loch with ye, Nessie." Groundskeeper Willie.

A Glacier Full of Naked Moonbats

Moonbattery

1. The sequel to Happy Feet was announced today. It will be called Ecstatic Genitalia.

2. "All right, now as soon as we're done worshiping the glacier, we gotta all go home and vote for Ron Paul in all the on-line polls we can find."

3. "Guys, this circle jerk is never going to happen if you all just keep bunching up on one side."

4. "Now servicing number 1,367. Number 1,367 please report to the Glory Hole, and don't forget to leave Mr. Sullivan a nice tip."

5. "The 'jump-kill' technique involved stampeding the liberals off a cliff or ravine. In the winter, liberals could be hunted by spooking the animals near a frozen river with large 'Karl Rove' masks and driving them onto the ice. The liberals’ weight would break up the ice and they would fall into the water. People of the tribe, including women and children, waited at an opening in the river downstream, where they would retrieve the carcasses."

Best of The Man
The Andrew Sullivan fan club voted 1,249 to 8 for going clothing mandatory for the next meetup.

Best of Submariner
"OK, we've swum as far upstream as we can to understand the plight of the salmon. Now what?"

Best of Rodney Dill
SHRINKAGE!!!

Best of Submariner
Verizon ads have a slightly different slant in San Francisco, but it's still "the network" that you buy...

Best of Van Helsing
If only I could have been there to drive away with their bus full of clothes…

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Great... In 2000 years, archeologists will discover hundreds of granola bar wrappers, and 17 frozen species of pubic lice.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Use of a bullhorn in avalanche territory was tragic, but it had its humorous aspect as well.

Best of SiIlhouette
Iceholes.

Best of David Simon
"Beat it O'Donnell. The sign says skinny dipping."

Best of Rodney Dill
Ladies and Gentlemen take my advice,
Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.

Best of divine miss m
I see some of us have to take off our clothes in order to have fun. Well, isn't that special?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hey, where's the black guy?"

Best of Kaptain
"So Grandpa, what did you do to stop global warming?"
"Well, Billy, we did what was the most obvious thing to do; we took off all our clothes and went and stood on a glacier."
"You're a bit of a dumba$$, aren't you, Grandpa?"

Best of Rodney Dill
More white cracks than Def Comedy Jam


The Demotivator Version is Here

You Go, Girlfriend!

1. "That's right! American flag! Bic lighter! Burn baby Burn!" Edwards thanks Dawn for addressing his rally.

2. "Now, Kaneesha, which do you think costs more, the solid gold dining room set, or your monthly premium under my health care plan?" If he couldn't be president, the Breck Girl thought he'd make a great Price is Right host.

3. Although she was flattered at the way Edwards gushed about being fan of her music, Donna Summer found his grinning rendition of "Bad Girls" to be downright creepy.

4. "I don't wanna say Hillary's a b1tch, but she hired Michael Vick to train her for the debates." Silky Pony takes the low road.

5. "I got his ring! I got his ring! Woo-Hoo, I got the cracker's ring!"

Best of Double the U
Wooohooo I gets to go to the other America until the election!

Best of The Man
No Kim, I think we have more in common than just pretty hair and the joy of holding long, hard black things in our hands.

Best of curly
“…and finally, Kaneesha’s fashionable business attire is accentuated by the subdued ‘bling’ of a functional wrist watch and minimal jewelry.”

Best of David Simon
"And if I'm elected President, every American with an impossible to pronounce first name will get free fried chicken and ribs."

Best of CJ
The Breck Girl's Pimp Hand may not be strong, but it is impeccably manicured.

Best of Jack Reacher
"What happens after I take the left foot out, again? Damn, this rhythm thing is hard. I don't know how you people do it."

Inspired by sonicfrog
"Shenene is overjoyed that Silky Pony will represent all nappy-headed ho's in a class action suit against Don Imus."

Best of curly
Cracker? Damn near split her in two!

Best of Army of Dad
John Edwards got me $300,000 for my car accident, let him work for you too!

Monday "One Cap Was All I Could Think Up"

Army of Mom

Best of Rodney Dill
...when 'roid rage arrives as Who's Your Daddy DayCare

Best of Double the U
Must be a Conservative's kid, the liberal kid's shirt said, "Please take my toys"

Best of The Man
John Edwards picked the wrong baby to kiss on the campaign trail and ended up with 2 black eyes and a sore rear end. However the baby denies any involvement with the sore rear end.

Best of Jack Reacher
Back of t-shirt: I voted for Ron Paul in an online poll--77 times!

Best of lawhawk
We now know what Jack Bauer was doing in the five minutes he was offscreen in season 4.

Best of sonicfrog
Dick Cheney sure was cute as a baby!

Best of Army of Mom
Husband: Sure, honey. You go have a girls' weekend. I'm heading to Wal-Mart to buy Bubba some new T-shirts I saw in the Sunday advertisement.

Best of Robert
My daddy dressed me. He's a jerk.
- Bubba J Slackjaw, Jr., Rio Linda, CA

Best of Army of Mom
The excitement waned after the NAMBLA leader got home and realized the shirt said "kick" instead of "lick."

Best of Submariner
Actually, the printer was dyslexic - it should have read "I can kick YOUR ass, baby!"

Best of captainobvious
Your kid better be a bad ass if you continually insist on dressing him in corduroy pants.


More Here

Saturday B&W

Shorpy: The C Year Old Photo Blog

1. "Well, kid, under HillaryCare, there's a nine-month waiting list to start cancer treatment. In the meantime, we've hired these clowns to keep you amused."

2. The opening of the 'John Wayne Gacy Children's Hospital' was yet another sign of America's cultural shift to the left.

3. "Don't worry, kid, there's 160 more of us back in the ambulance."

4. "Well, another mother didn't listen, let her kid ride with Ted Kennedy, and now she's got a traffic cone lodged in her skull."

5. ORA: The Pennywise HMO offers special rates for 'young, easily frightened children.'

Best of Jack Reacher
One of the slides John Edwards used to show juries when he sued doctors was released to the public today.

Best of curly
“Sorry about the weirdo clowns kid, but Barney was booked solid and Big Bird is taking bukkake shots with Carmen Electra.”

Best of Whacko
Billy awakes to discover that he is not dreaming: He has been transformed into a conehead and his family are just a bunch of clowns.

Best of David Simon
"What's with this Sullivan kid? Every time I go to check his pulse, he begs me for a manicure."

Best of Double the U
Little Jimmy's dying wish was to have sex with three nurses, but the make a wish foundation insisted the clowns drag his bed outside and push him around the hospital grounds.

Best of wacha
Damn,he hasn't pulse, I knew the electric shock hand buzzer was too much for a kid with a pacemaker

Best of Submariner
ORA: I haven't felt this awful since I saw that Ronald Reagan film.

Best of andthenblammo!
AP wire photo caption:"The French 61st Armored Battalion embarked on 3 days of war-game manuveurs today..........."

Everybody's Talkin' At Me

Agent Bedhead

1. O.J. and Robert Blake in the same week? Maybe there's something to those rumors about Karl Rove after all.

2. "O.K., now, in this scene, you explain how you had to use your grocery money to pay for health care." Desperate for cash, Robert Blake auditions for a spot in a Hillary Campaign Ad.

3. "A punk in the handicapped spot! Prepare for Ramming Speed!"

4. "That cashier forgot to add in my 20 cents off coupon on Carnation Evaporated Milk. Looks like Robert Blake's gonna have to cap a b1tch."

5. ORA:The robots from Westworld were eventually sold to Safeway as robot bagboys, with predictably tragic results.

Best of captainobvious
wow, Imus really let him self go. didnt even think that was possible.

Best of metalgarth
"Brokeback Mountain II" was aiming for a slightly more mature demographic than the original

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Way-Past-Midnight Cowboy

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hold on, Jon. I left my gun inside again... Be right back."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Let's move it, Blake. We gotta get to Sizzler before 5:00, or they jack the price up two bucks."

Best of Submariner
I always push it around, Jon, just in case I find some self-respect laying on the sidewalk...

Best of David Simon
"Okay, you grab Busey's arms, and I'll grab his legs. One, two, three, lift,"

Best of curly
“Woohoo! There’s an empty 24 oz. Bud can! That’s worth at least a nickel!

Best of Whacko
"OK, Jon, I won't say anything about you and the goat if you promise to keep mum about me and the cockatoo."

Best of Double the U
Okay, I am going to get the beer and the Doritoes, you are in charge of the hookers.

Warning, May Cause Blindness or Teh Ghey

Moonbatologist Claire

1. "The bubbles stopped five minutes ago. How much longer are you going to keep that foot on Elizabeth Hasselback's head?"

2. "FEMA still wants you to hold off on diving in until they can post tsunami warnings."

3. If Free Willy mated with Ted Kennedy ...

4. "See? I told you the bow would split apart if you put your fat a$$ on the stern."

5. "Hey, Rosio, I know you're bummed about the Jenna Bush engagement, but c'mon... did you really think you had a chance with her?"

Best of Submariner
After swallowing, Orca swam back to the boat and hacked up a Rosie on the stern...

Best of Submariner
A split second later, the pleasure craft took the same aspect as the Titanic late in the movie and slipped into the lake, stern down.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I hope Pinnocchio escapes from in there.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"How they hangin', old chum?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
That's pretty sweet of Rosie, blocking her child from the harmful influence of the sun.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Has Disney modified the Jungle Book ride so the attacking hippo actually jumps onto the boat?

Best of metalgarth
Jabba the Hut and one of his slave girls take a trip to Waterworld in yet another ill conceived sci-fi crossover.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Let's go, kid. Make sure you dump the spare cinder blocks overboard. I guess Mr. Bob Barker discovered there's a downside to f***ing with me."

Best of Anonymous
...and when the stars were right, Great Cthulhu rose from the depths of sunken R'lyeh. He then took one look at Rosie and swam the hell back to the ocean floor.

Best of duke of red
Wow, Lesbian with wet T-shirt actually fits, but it's soooo misleading.

Best of captainobvious
OH, THE HUGE MANATEE!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hey mom, that's weird... I've never seen sharks actually swim away before..."

Best of David Simon
"I don't understand, mommy. If you can't swim, why did you keep telling Ms. Electra that you wanted to go for a dive?"

Best of curly
“OK sweetie; I’ll lift my shirt and you scrape the barnacles off my back.”

Best of curly
“Wow Mommy! That last queef split the boat in half!”

Best of Double the U
Wow Mommy (or are you Daddy) it is funny how all the fish die when you stick your feet in the water.


Update: Demotivatored

Boobs of a Feather

Army of Mom

1. "Wow, Heidi. I never met anyone who could explode a pillow with her queefs before."

2. Colonel Sanders had some ... unusual... fetishes.

3. "It's okay, Mrs. Clinton, I'll just rest here until you and the rest of the coven finish the santeria ceremony."

4. "Hi Cappers. V just sent me to undo any trauma from that giant walking syphilis sore from yesterday. "

5. "The Bukkake parties at the Children's Television Workshop were legendary..." Big Bird, The E! True Hollywood Story.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Very impressive, O.J., but I don't believe that pillow was disrespecting you. Put the knife away."

Best of The Man
What Ron Paul does with his campaign donations: Part 1

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Well, she chews up the furniture, but she's got her good points as well...

Best of lawhawk
Step away from that busted ass feather down comforter and put your hands on your head. Yes, much better...

Best of divine miss m
Subby's not the pheasant plucker, he's the pheasant plucker's mate. And he's only plucking pheasants 'cause the pheasant plucker's late.

Best of jeff
"Why the feathers? It's not like there's a male above the age of 15 who hasn't seen all of her already..."

Best of attmay
Sully was aghast at how that inconsiderate woman had destroyed his delicate living room setup.

Best of Rodney Dill
Erotic: a feather
Kinky: the whole chicken

Best of Capt. Queeg
I'd pluck her.

Best of Army of Mom
I feel like chicken tonight!

Best of Army of Dad
Carmen solves the age-old mystery: the chicken came first.

Best of David Simon
Carmen Electra: The Other Other Other White Meat.

Busted... as it were

1. "No, I will not 'forget the ticket' if you break out your knee pads. We don't go for that in this America, Mr. Edwards. "

2. Outside Little Rock, Arkansas, August 1990: "You're in Luck Ma'am. The Governor's in the back seat, and he's willing to 'work this out.'"

3. Sully's cross-dressing 'Women's Prison' fantasy was ruined by The Boyfriend's resemblance to Bea Arthur.

4. "Well, Conchita. You've got two outstanding warrants for armed robbery and assault, and there's half a kilo of Colombian Nose Candy in the back seat... but since you're an illegal and New Jersey is a sanctuary state, you're free to go. Vote for Corzine!"

5. "We're beginning to suspect you don't take Rehab seriously, Ms. Lohan."

Best of The Man
So you think you can run drugs through my county Al Gore Jr?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Yes ma'am, we've had reports about scantily-clad babes in souped up GTO's speeding through this neighborhood and throwing unspent ammunition at old hags."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Ms. Plame, your celebrity status don't mean squat to me. Now grab asphalt."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Officer unzips his pants.
Blondie: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Andy Griffith: "Oh yeah, Otis is gonna owe me big time."

Best of metalgarth
I don't know who the hell 'V the K' is and I don't give a damn if you are late for a 'Thursday Babe Audition'. The speed limit here is 55.

Best of Submariner
A little known fact - John Larroquette auditioned for the role of Enos...

racerboy

Lying Mahdi Propaganda Whore and the Magic Bullets

The Autonomist

1. The Golden Suppositories of Mohammed are among the Holiest Relics of Islam.

2. "These bullets hit my house while the Americans were ravaging my village in a manner reminiscent of Ginger... Gin Gas... Dammit, Obama, what's my line?"

3. Trick or treating in Dearborn, a child's perspective.

4. "Well, Hillary thinks my man-hands are hot, so there!"

5. "Good news, everyone, the 'medical supplies' from Iran have arrived."


Best of Rodney Dill
"Who was that mosqued man?"

Best of Zeke
If you plant these magic bullets in the ground a giant bean stock will grow and take you straight to heaven and your 72 virgins!

Best of Jack Reacher
"Hey, Reuters, look what fell out of my grandson's 'toy gun!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Wait a minute... the garb, the worshipping of ammunition, their ambition to destroy?... These are the radiation mutants from Beneath the Planet of the Apes!

Best of The Man
If that American soldier Beauchamp ever mocks me after he runs over my dog in his Bradley while wearing my dead son's skull...I'll put a couple of these in his ass.

Best of Occasional Reader
"M193 Ball?! Goddamit, I specifically told Mookie we wanted M855 steel-core penetrators... [psst the press is here] um, I mean, the terrible Americans threw these bullets at my house, I only want peace, why are they so mean?"

Best of Rodney Dill
The years have not been good to Christine Amanpour

Best of loflyer
Islamic sex toys displayed by ancient Iraqi hooker....

Best of wacha
I played in Conan the Barbarian, i played the bad guy who transform into a snake, i have proof, look, swarzy's steroid ampoules

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes my son's name is Mohammad Stifler, why do you ask?"

Update: The Demotivator

Hey Kids! It's Phil the Syphillis Sore!

Army of Mom

1. Kellogs's least popular mascot ever.

2. Advances in science have enabled us to capture photographic images of Lindsay Lohan's DT's.

3. "As soon as 'Andy the Anal Wart' 'Harry the Herpes Lesion' and 'Gary the Oozing Gonorrhea Pustule' get here, we can go teach Barack Obama's kindergarten sex ed class."

4. Sully tsk-tsked. "Those white tennis shoes kind of ruin it for me. Don't you have any thigh-waders?"

5. "Well, we used to be the Cleveland Indians, until the ACLU sued us for using a racially insensitive name. Now, we're the Cleveland Barebackers, and Phil is our proud mascot."

Best of Double the U
One of President Bush's recently removed polyps is seen leaving the hospital.

Best of Silhouette
"Mommy, why is Testicle Man so angry?"

Best of Jack Reacher
Many popular consumer products use mascots in their advertising, although most people were unaware that Preparation H used one.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It was obvious that Sammy Cyst wouldn't make it past the first round of So You Want To Be A Fruit-Of-The-Loom Guy?...

Best of The Man
Hamas Middle School - 1st Grade
Kids, this is what a jew looks like. Any questions?

Best of Van Helsing
The surgical removal of Lindsey Lohan's vaginal growth was only the beginning of the crisis.

Best of attmay
Taken from a brochure for Hair Club for Whammies.

Best of jeff
Oddly, raspberry sales fell sharply when this mascot was revealed.

"Yes, Yes, Put Your Face In Ze Soup, You American Peeg!"

Piscopo.com

1. "Mon Dieu, I seem to have inadvairtantly given ze roophie cocktail to M. Kennedy and ze 'clean' one to Madamoiselle Klum."

2. "Monsieur, are you enjoying your 'Rosie O'Donnell Menstrual Flow' soup? It is chunky enough, no?"

3. "But the Clarence Thomas Special comes with curly black hairs, monsieur."

4. The Soup Nazi's latest creation, 'Malt Liquor Bisque' was a huge success.

5. "Hey, Lohan! You left your coke spoon over on this dead guy's table."

Best of duke of red
Dismayed at being cast out of the Democratic party, Joe Lieberman attempts "death by Campbell's tomato soup".

Best of Jack Reacher
While Penn grabbed all the speaking roles, Teller quietly collapsed in the tomato bisque.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Waiter?... There's a dead congressman in my soup..."

Best of Rodney Dill
Colonel Mustard, in the dining room, with Tomato soup.

Best of Van Helsing
If only he were wearing his glasses, he'd see there's a spoon right in front of him.

Best of Rodney Dill
Alternate ending to the Soupranos

Best of Cybrludite
Waiter! There's Polonium-210 in my sou... erk! >thud<

Best of Rodney Dill
There's a white cracker in my soup, fo' shizzle.

Breaking News From 1994

Ass Press Photo/Rich Matthews

1." Well Gretchen Carlson and Steve Doocy are dead. Anyone else wanna ask about my ugly ass shoes?"

2. "When Michael Vick asked me if I'd be into seeing 'some b1tches get their necks ripped out,' I thought he meant something else."

3. Juice completely restores his reputation and becomes a hero of the multicultural left by converting to Islam and declaring his murder of Nicole "an honor killing."

4. Sick, twisted, and poisonous... and the bonsai plant is also probably unhealthy.

5. "Yes, I did it. I made a million dollars in real estate. Now, I'm going to share with you my secret methods for making a killing in the cut-throat real estate investment industry, and getting away with it."

Best of metalgarth
Nice. Making fun of a morally bankrupt ex jock who killed his ex-wife and got away with it. Read his story. Educate yourself. Morons.

Best of Jack Reacher
O.J.'s guest spot as host on Frasier was less than successful, as his advice to every caller was simply "Kill the bitch!"

Best of duke of red
Send in now for this one time offer of our interest free Race Card, with no service charges on any purchase of gloves, sharp metal objects, and LA judges. Race Card. It saved my a$$. Let it save yours.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Maybe if we place a tranquil bonsai plant next to him, people will forget he turned Nicole into a Pez dispenser?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Welcome back to Inside The Killer's Studio."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Dawn, your prom date's here!"

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
Following on the modest success of the YouTube debates, six of the 42 democratic candidates took a chance on the iShank debate forum.

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
"Look, caller, I know you sound really frustrated with your cheating spouse, but violence isn't always the answer. I can't give you any tips on how to get away with murder. Besides, Lady, if I recognize your voice correctly, you probably already used up your get-away-with-it luck on Vince Foster. Don't get greedy."

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and if you M----- F-----s don't give me my Heisman Trophy back I'm gonna twist your M----- F-----g dicks into the shape of the M----- F-----g Bonsai tree here."

Best of SnarkyOne
Is it me or does the bonsai look like it is trying to leave or avoid being looked at?

Who's a Sex Machine to all the chicks? Rove! Damn Right!

1. "Tell Romney I'll take a pound of the peanut butter, a half pound of chocolate with walnuts, and a half-dozen 'I pack fudge better than Edwards' captions."

2. "Sheehan's running against Pelosi? Excellent. Next, activate the chip in Michael Moore's skull so he'll think he's a giant penguin."

3. "How many Tijuana whores did Cheney kill this time?"

4. "DC 101 FM Rocks! Do I win the Slipknot tickets?"

5. "What? The battle station at Endor is not fully operational? Shall I send Lord Vader to oversee the work personally?"

Best of Submariner
Tin foil hats at Yearly KOS? No problem; increase output frequency by 1.37 megahertz and change the phase flux by 13.628 degrees right ascention... then send the message "Dance like chickens with their heads cut off." Makes me laugh every time...

Best of The Man
Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

Best of metalgarth
Press 1 if you know the name of the moonbat you'd like liquidated.
Press 2 if you'd like to pick the name of the moonbat from a list
Press 3 if you'd like a hurricane to hit New Orleans...

Best of metalgarth
What! I told that damn apprentice of mine to quit trying to pick up Japanese schoolgirls.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Remember, young George... The Rove will always be with you."

Best of Van Helsing
"Believe me I got out of that fudge shop fast. You should have seen the look on his face as he slipped on the glove…"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Make sure he gets the message: The Thursday Babe shows breasts. Or else!"

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
And as he watched Karl Rove disappear into the crowd, Bob Novak suddenly became very nervous about the possibility that his liver might taste really good with fava beans and a nice chianti.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Oh hell. What is it this time, dead girl or live boy?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes Mom, I have my toothbrush."

Romney Fixes to Pack Some Fudge

1. "Edwards told me packing fudge was a great way to relax on the campaign trail."

2. ORA: Mitt panders for the Youper vote, but unwillingly marks himself as a clueless fudgie.

3. Cap This Classic: "OK, Mrs Clinton, now drop trou and let's take a look at that prostrate."

4. "Edwards key offering to 'pack my fudge,' but I insisted I could do it myself."

5. "Hmm, I'm putting on a rubber glove in front of a chalkboard offering an 'Amazing Chocolate Steamer.' Did Sullivan set up this shot?"

Sondra K

Best of The Man
Next stop: Butte, Montana with a parrot and an eye patch.

Best of Jonathan
ORA: "Full cavity search, Roto Rooter style! Don't stop 'til you reach the back of his teeth!"

Best of SnarkyOne
Surgical gloves with french cuffs.
Is he mad?

Best of SnarkyOne
Mitt does his Dr. Frankenfurter impression.

Best of divine miss m
ORA: "Mitt, what did we do when Uncle Ted was here? No, Mitt...after that."

Best of Somebody
Depending on your orientation, the crazed facial expression will either freak you out or turn you on.

Best of Somebody
The Gay Presidential Debate now greatly regrets that only Democrats were invited...

Best of Army of Dad
Mitt prepares to shake Hillary's hand.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No no, mint green is for fisting wife number three, blue is for number one, and red is for wife number two, if you media guys can't keep that straight then I'm really not interested in discussing my religion."

Best of Submariner
Well, Sully; I can tell that this is going to please you more than it's going to please me...

Statuesque BW Saturday

1. "Bill, if you say, 'I'd hit that' one more time I swear to gawd I'll set your pets on fire."

2. "I gotta hand it to you, Hef. This is one swingin' pad."

3. (Dual Ghey Thought Balloons): "I must! I must! I must increase my bust!"

4. Rodin's The Queefer.

5. "Yeah, Sully keeps a statue of his mother in his living room. He worships her. You can't be too surprised, can you?"

Best of Double the U
So is that what a woman might look like naked?

Best of Submariner
I think you went a teensy, weensy BIT too heavy in applying the mud suit, Geoffrey...

Best of Jack Reacher
Why does that big green guy in the corner keep looking over at the statue, saying "Hulk horney?"

Best of Jack Reacher
Gallant admired the sculpture's flowing lines and symmetry. Goofus checked it for openings.

Best of Submariner
Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

Best of Kevin Walker
"So, how long until Senator Clinton realises that he favorite statute is missing?"

Best of CW
Karim and Ahmed wonder how many goats such a woman would bring back in their country.

Best of Kaptain
"But... is it art? And why do we look like a couple of leftovers from the '70s?"

Timmah!

Less Beans

1. "Yeah, I totally get *that vibe* from Edwards, too. Pretty weird, huh?"

2. "Come to my window? Sure, but you'll have to bring your own strap-on."

3. "Bill who?"

4. "Goddess, I want to take you back to Chappaqua and fist you right now! These mikes are off, right?"

5. "Yeah, yesterday was kind of a let-down. I'm a breast girl."

Best of Jonathan
I'm only doing this for the second time this week because of the look on both of their faces: "Mole. Bloody mole. We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face. I want to c-u-u-t it off, ch-o-o-p it off, and make guaca-MOLE!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"So, Hil, is that jacket made out of oven mitts, or what?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I love what you've done for our people, Ellen."
"I'm confused, Hillary; what have I done for lying, hypocritical opportunistic socialists?"

Best of SnarkyOne
Ellen was unaware that Hillary had Voldemort in the back of her head
and would soon turn to stone.

Best of The Man
Thanks for coming out, will you tell Mike Gravel to pull up his pants and stop peeing on the palm plant. Thanks.

Best of Double the U
Thank you Hillary, thank you, I will take your advice on that "not so fresh" feeling.

Best of Whacko
"Ellen, its so nice to talke to someone else who has cleavage problems."

Best of Submariner
OK; swimming naked in a hot tub filled with tapioca at 11 it is!

Best of Submariner
Trust me, sweetheart - HO train transformer, a copper penny on each lead, insert in the orifices of your choice, and Portia controls the power...

Choose Your Fetish

Timmeh!

1. "Those plumbers at Hiroshima U have disappointed me for the last time!"

2. Karl Rove relaxes with his interns during a retreat at Camp David.

3. "Comfort Girls" were much appreciated by weary troops during the Clone Wars.

4. ORA: "You told them you ran down womp rats in an AT-AT on Tatooine and knew a storm trooper who wore a Jawa's skull under his helmet? And The New Republic bought that load of crap?"

5. Darth Vader looks at a picture of the son Anakin never told Padme about. Not much of a Jedi, but way good at math.
Best of Jack Reacher
Robert Novak enjoys introducing himself to visiting schoolchildren as The Prince Of Darkness. The costume was just a bonus.

Best of The Man
Why yes, Darth has been bad and needs a spanking.

Best of Jonathan
Dark Helmet prepares to show Fook Mi and Fook Yu his Schwartz.

Best of Rodney Dill
Upon seeing the iPhone Darth demanded, "You will give me the plans of this devil appliance."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"I guess so, but only if I get to keep my helmet on."

Best of Zeke
my god is that how I really look? bad ass...

Best of Double the U
"Luv U dad - May da 4ce B wid U", what the hell does that mean?

Best of Submariner
So; you say you re-programmed my Death Star to wipe out the "Hello Kitty" factory using just this phone?

Best of Dwight's Writing Manifesto
"Interesting. How long does the battery last? Seven minutes??? Maybe I'll just keep the life support system I already have, thanks anyway Kimko. It takes me longer than seven minutes just to drop a deuce."

Best of Rodney Dill
Rove is resigning? Now is my big chance.

Alba Clean, Alba Time

1. "I don't know why I bother. All this cereal tastes the same."

2. "Hey, Linda Hamilton? I thought I'd run into you here. Yeah, everyone whose ever worked with James Cameron develops a neurotic OCD cleanliness fetish, but it will never erase the stain on your soul."

3. "Hey! Is that Winona Ryder on Aisle 4 stuffing Ty-D-Bowl in her pants? Hi, Winona!"

4. "Oh, no. The muzak is playing Beethoven's Ninth. I'm going to have to go all horrorshow on the next Wal-Mart greeter I see." Trailer from the new movie, A Clockwork Alba.

5. "Excuse me, what works better for getting female ejaculate stains off a satin pillowcase? Gain or Tide?"

Best of jeff
Jessica watches the collisions in the intersection with amusement as every male in the store rushes to help her...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Uh oh, Russell Crowe is in the phone section. Better get ready to duck."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Aw Hell, here comes that Mr. Whipple again. Charmin's about the only thing that guy won't squeeze."

Best of The Man
Derek Jeter realized that he was the coolest man on earth when he was able to make Jessica Alba run to the local grocery store to pickup a box of tissues so she could come back and wipe the spooge off the bed covers.

Best of Double the U
If a woman uses a mop head for a tampon, it is good advice just to leave her alone.

The Always Good For a Hot Babe Pic
Agent Bedhead