Thursday Jailbait

1. Contrary to popular belief, Andrew Sullivan would touch a woman with a ten foot pole.

2. The world's leading nuclear physicist... Hollywood version.

3. "Sorry, Miss... the judges just need you to do the Macarena one more time before they can score your pole vault."

4. Women you'll never see at a NOW rally, the Playboy pictorial.

5. "Ow! Darn it, Guido, I told you this loose stripper pole was going to come loose in the middle of my act one day."

6. "Thanks for coming to our track meet Senator Clinton... is... is that a bulge?"

Best of The Man
Escaping the Kennedy compound is one way that Track and field will help hot young ladies later in life.

Best of curly
Track meat!

Best of andthenblammo!
".......And I recommend drinking a lot of water while competeing, to avoid dehydration. Not only for me, but for all of those guys with newspapers in their laps in the stands. HEAR ME, YOU PERVERTS? DON'T FORGET TO HYDRATE!"

Best of andthenblammo!
"Attention! There will be a brief delay while we hose down the jump pit, and the jump judges."

Best of curly
“Put down the pole, senorita. Thanks to the stupid gringo’s new immigration reform bill, you can now waltz across the border any time you want.”

Best of Submariner
Now I understand why they call them "individual heats."

Best of Jack Reacher
"After handling this thing all day, how is anything a man whips out going to impress me?"

Best of 2spothipshot
Bernadette didn't have a Derringer,or even pepper spray,but even Bill Clinton backed off once he saw her hat pin.


Stolen From: Ace (Perv!)

Thursday Interplay of Light and Water

1. "Sorry Arthur, I'm using Excalibur right now. Didn't know it had a 'vibrate' function, did you?"

2. In contrast to DailyKos, we at Cap This! prefer the deep end of the gene pool.

3. 'Ow to speak Clinton: Intern pool.

4. In the unlikely event of a water landing, the stew's implants may be used as a flotation device.

5. "Screw her, how's my Oldsmobile?" was all Ted Kennedy wanted to know.

Best of The Man
Alex, I'll take "Things John Edwards would pass up for a $400 haircut" for $1,000.

Best of curly
John Edwards concernedly ponders whether the poor girl has the proper amount of chamomile and organic beeswax to help to seal in the moisturizing oils and butters, without her clogging pores.

Best of Submariner
Larry Flynt Productions presents - "Katrina: The Aftermath"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Difficult... to... caption...with... only... one... hand...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If M. Night Shamalyan had used this for his Lady in the Water flick, ticket sales may have been a little better.

Best of Submariner
Fembot Maintenance Tip #1: Always remember to fully cleanse your fembot after "personal" use.

Best of ThatGayConservative
Black Raspberry Jell-O in repose.

Best of sonicfrog
Uhm, yeah, I think I found the problem with your pool. You have a dead chick in it.



Coach TC Stole My Babes So I Stole His

What's the Buzz? Tell me what's happenin'

1. Jerry Seinfeld aims ever younger in his search for the right girl.

2. On the next Simpsons, Bumblebee Man is busted by La Migra.

3. "Mind if I pollinate your buds," was an effective pick-up line at the annual plushy BEER BLAST.

4. "Ladies and gentlemen... Sting!!!"

5. Gee, I'd hate to see the bonnet.

Best of the doyle
Even tho the lead singer was dead, Blind Melon keeps going in the 21st Century.

Best of ycurl
Today’s episode of the Dyslexic Children’s Hour is brought to you by the Letter ‘E’.

Best of divine miss m
I drank with John Belushi. I snorted coke with John Belushi. John Belushi was a friend of mine. And you, Mr. Seinfeld, are no King Bee!

Best of ColoradoPatriot
The giant plush Hillary stands in front of the sign "CEE".

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey the hair double for Phil Specter arrived."

Best of Jack Reacher
Sandy Berger demonstrates how he was able to conceal 1,254 pages of classified documents in his clothing.

Best of Rodney Dill
AP BREAKING: Scientists today have identified the fun-guy that has been threatening to decimate the honeybee population.

Best of Rodney Dill
The Buzz about nothing.

Best of Van Helsing
Now that the original hysteria has cooled, believers in the perils of killer bees have been forced to resort to theatrics to compete with the global warming hoax.

Getting Away With It

1. "See? This is what the booger of a rich man looks like. Kneel and behold, peasants. Kneel and behold."

2. "Don't you ignorant right-wingers have any idea what Breck would do to a $400 haircut?"

3. "Gavin Newsom's deep throat is nothing compared to mine."

4. "The best way to honor Memorial Day is to protest the war. And if you have a Bic lighter, I can also tell you the best way to honor Flag Day."

5. "Yeah? Well, my manicurist says I'm not a sissy-boy and my aromatherapist agrees."

Best of Whacko
"My personal technique for making that loud popping noise is to insert the index finger of my left hand in my mouth and rapidly pop it out against the side of my mouth like so."

Best of curly
"The yellow bracelet signifying support for the troops? Ha! I’m awaiting my hair stylist’s release from rehab, you idiot!”

Best of Submariner
I did NOT have sex with a woMAN!

Best of Jack Reacher
Word verification: zmhotspt. "Zima Hot Spot?" It fits.

Best of Jack Reacher
"You wanna step outside? 'Cause my sister will kick your ass, lady."

Best of Double the U
Yes, two Americas is what I want, MINE with all the fancy beach front property and plenty of land, far away from yours way over there far away from me.

Best of Submariner
"You wanna step outside? 'Cause I'll lick your ass, buddy."

Best of snarky one
In the booger flicking lottery, John Edwards couldn't help but wonder who the lucky recipient would be. Not only would they have the Sacred Snot, but it would be their destiny to have pretty, pretty hair.

Best of curly
"...and not only will global warming mean disaster for the coastal regions, but the accompanying rise in humidity will cause lank, flat hair.”

Best of Van Helsing
"I'm channeling a brain-damaged child again. She wants you to vote for me."

Backstory: TGC asked if I could photoshop a "Cheat to Win" bracelet onto John Edwards. The "My Pretty Pony" charm bracelet was my idea.

Oh, How Can I Tolerate Such Craziness!

1. The Escort Service didn't understand why anyone would want to hook up with "a big hairy, horny bear," but they tried to satisfy Mr. Sullivan's request anyway.

2. Hey, it's my favorite episode, the one where Latka gets his arm gnawed off.

3. Not only had the ahole driver cut her off, but her young were in the car ahead; a fatal mistake he would not live to repeat.

4. If you own stock, now would be a good time to sell.

5. "So, how are those testosterone treatments working for you, Mr. Asner?"

6. ORA: "Pension Grillparzer, please."
Best of Van Helsing
"Now up here you're going to want to bear right..."

Best of Whacko
"Quick, follow that cab with the salmon!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Take me to Wall Street, and step on it!"

Best of Submariner
After getting fired by telephone, Ben wasn't planning on being so gentle when he saw the Donald...

Best of Jack Reacher
When Algore begins to separate into his component parts.

Best of metalgarth
Urbanization made it harder and harder to find a "pick-a-nick" basket in the greater Jellystone metropolitan area.

Best of Lyn
"Hey kid, only you can prevent..."
"Lady, only you can..."
"Driver, will you slow down? I'm trying to get the whole slogan out!"

Best of curly
"To the woods quickly; I gotta sh!+."

Best of Double the U
and you thought your mother-in-law was a big ugly hairy annoying back seat driver.

Best of the doyle
When I heard it on the CB I just thought they meant a cop was was behind me.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh, Hello... Onstar."

Best of CJ
Big deal, another cabbie who can bearly speak English.

:-P - Timmeh!

Behold the Power of Gams!

1. Some people thought San Francisco had gone too far with its 'Shoe Fetishist Pride Parade,' but those people were labeled hate-filled bigots and promptly silenced.

2. "I don't know but I been told/V05 gives lots of hold, sound off..."

3. The 'Thursday Parade of Babes' was one of the most beloved traditions of the V the K presidency.

4. "One-tw0-three-four-five-six-seven-eight/Shlameel, Shlamozel/Hossenpfeiffer incorporated..."

5. Hillary was absolutely determined that her contingent of all-female bodyguards would be larger and more disciplined than Qadaffi's.

Best of Submariner
Some cameramen don't even TRY to hide the fact that they're taking up-skirt shots for web-posting... Hey! that's SOTG!

Best of Submariner
Delta seems to be getting awfully regimented with the flight attendants - nice uniform skirt change though.

Best of Silhouette
Personally, I think putting a base in Stepford was a good idea.

Best of curly
John Edwards clones on review.

Best of Jack Reacher
Dave's right-angle camera lens could have been revolutionary, but he made an unfortunate choice of venues to test it, and was never heard from again.

Best of Jack Reacher
Macy's deploys Customer Service batallions to the Counter front in the War on Bad Cosmetology.

Best of lawhawk
I just love quick time march.

Best of the paperboy
Man, I wish I could be that street!

Best of curly
♪ From the malls of Montezuma to the stores of Tripoli ♫

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
"Uh huh. Try doing that on a shiny surface!!"
-Rachel Smith

Best of Submariner
The US synchronized swim team marches off to the Interplay of Light and Water Park.

:-P Timmeh!

Unlike Google, We Honor Memorial Day at Cap This!

1. No matter how degrading it it, the threat of "do it, or Uncle Teddy will drive you home," can get an intern to do anything at the Kennedy Compound.

2. "Hey, your prostitute is in my beer!" "No, your beer is in my prostitute!"

3. "Wow! After driving a Toyota Yaris all this time, it's nice to ride something with some power and pick-up."

4. And then she yelled "Allahu Akbar" and blew the yacht club to infidel hell!

5. On Memorial Day, it's customary for even the rankest political rivals to set animosity aside. Here, a Hillary intern arrives with cooler of malt liquor and Zima for the Obama and Edwards interns.

6. Or, you can go to the Democrat Memorial Day Picnic and drink wheatgrass juice served by Rosie O and the gray-skinned Hooters-protesting chick. Your choice.

Best of Jack Reacher
Ron Paul campaign staffer Muffy demonstrates the presidential hopeful's idea for a 100mpg car.

Best of Jack Reacher
A Clinton campaign worker was fired after telling coworkers that she was riding Hillary's box, just as she'd been told.

Best of the doyle
Mr. Popeil's new Crotch Cooler was a big seller.

Best of Double the U
It isn't as odd as frightening, that is where she keeps all the semen samples she collects during the day.

Best of curly
“Hillary, your order of raw clams on the half shell has arrived.”

Best of curly
Cooler? Damn near froze her!

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Yeah, I coulda painted my invention green since it's totally queef-powered, but then it wouldn't have matched my outfit...

Best of racerboy
All your Fla-Vor-Ice are belong to us.

Best of racerboy
It may have all the curb appeal of a Vespa, but when that compressor kicks in...whoa, nelly!

Best of divine miss m
Twinkle, twinkle, little star!
How Subby yearns to make motorboat noises where you are!

Best of Chrees
I'm only interested in two things...
(Thanks once again to Frank Zappa)

Best of curly
The all new Scooter Libby– for the alcoholic women’s libber in your life.

Best of prince of leaves
Proving the superiority of capitalism, entrepreneurs heed Sheryl Crow's call to action on global warming, replacing TP altogether with the self-propelled Port-a-Bidet. Sheryl was so excited she couldn't be reached for comment.

Best of Submariner
Teddy saw my ride and had his Jetski modified to match it.

Best of curly
Guess how many offenses to Islamic norms are in this picture and win a free laptop!

:-P: R Warren

What's Gore Holding?

Best of curly
“Yes Alex. Give me ‘Has been commie politicians whose names rhyme with WHORE’ for $200.”

Best of Whacko
And if you purchase $500 of my carbon credits, I'll include this autographed book for free!

Best of CJ
This is a fake. The actual title was 'Lunar Swirlage and You: A Teenagers Guide to Menstruation.'

Best of 2spothipshot
"Thay,what'tha matter with that? I'm a thenthitive perthon too,and I think John Edwarth ith juth dreammy!"

I missed the deadline at zombie's Al Gore Photoshop contest, but this was my submittal.

Plant Life

1. "Yup, this looks like primo sh*t. I'll take a dimebag."

2. "Sorry, the Patrick Kennedy cleaned us out an hour ago. Nothin' left but stems and seeds."

3. "This is a lesbian organic collective. We forsake the vile chemicals of the patriarchal capitalist war machine and fertilize the plants with our menstrual flows."

4. "How did you train it to say 'Feed me, Seymour!'"

5. For Hester, one of the few thrills of being a small-town lesbian was when one of the young ladies from town came by to 'check out her bush.'

Best of 2spothipshot
"I don't care how cheap it was,you take this one back and get mommy a decent strippers poll!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We know, we know... Bush is lower at the polls... Big deal.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Sure, it looked harmless enough, but what Linda and Stella didn't know was that the Sleeping Pansy was what is classified as a "gateway" plant.

Best of curly
“Yes, it took them a week to get me and my baby out of the Sacramento Delta, but here I am back to work at the Home Depot nursery already.”

Best of Submariner
It's "Dieffenbachia." Won't it be fun at Hillary's next $1,000/plate fundraiser when this is the main ingredient in the salad?

Best of Double the U
If I keep hitting my head against this block of wood, you say the amnesty program will make sense?

Best of divine miss m
"We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?"

The Usual Source

Oh My God! They Killed Rosie!

Best of Brian_in_MA
Pork. It's what's for dinner. For the next two months.

Best of jbinnout
Donald Trump Jr. said, "My dad will not be mocked."

Best of 2spothipshot
"Man,we're gonna need one huge friggin' apple!"

Best of 2spothipshot
"...And THIS little piggy ate my magnum..."

Best of 2spothipshot
He may have gone hunting just twice in his life,but Mitt Romney got his moneys worth.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I could not eat a ton of pork,
I would not eat it with a fork.
I do not like enormous ham,
I do not like it, BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Quentin Tarantino remakes Charlotte's Web.

Best of CJ
Porker? No, I just killed her.

Best of ThatGayConservative
"Michael Moore's Alabama screening of SiCKO ends in tragedy!"

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Come to Jinx for the gravity - stay for the bandersnatch hunting."

Best of curly
“Osama, your coffin’s ready.”

Best of Submariner
Sorry Mrs. Kennedy. But how was I to known the Senator takes a regular morning leak in the woods?

Best of Submariner
In a series of ironic misadventures, Debbie Stabenow provided the happy end to an organized NRA fundraiser while taking a morning "jog" for a McMuffin near Houghton this morning.

Best of curly
I sympathize with the lad. My own prom photos were not the best either.

Soccer? Damn Near Killed Her!

1. Synchronized Soccer... because the sport just wasn't gay enough yet.

2. The final tense seconds of the International Red Rover Championship.

3. "Now, lift your other leg... Okay, Simon Says lift your other leg."

4. "How the hell did this provision get slipped into the Amnesty bill?"

5. "Aw, c'mon officer, just give us the breathalyzer!"

:-P Mo K

Best of jeff
...two seconds later, Bruno hurled up last nights tequilla and bratwurst.

Best of Jack Reacher
According to Andrew Sullivan, they're torturing each other with "stress positions."

Best of metalgarth
Professional Hokey Pokey is being broadcast on all the same networks as Toilet Seat Horseshoes.

Best of Submariner
"So, Hernando, wanna come back to my place after the game? We'll knock back a couple of Coronas, have some salsa, use the Vodaphone..."

The Princess of Emo

1. Raven knew Robert Smith of the Cure was her real father, but she didn't know which B-52 was her mother.

2. Marge Simpson goes Goth.

3. Moments later, 22 people were dead when Raven screamed 'Allahu Akbar' and detonated the 40 lbs of Semtex in her bouffant.

4. "In my view, if you pay $400 for a haircut and don't get extensions, you're a moron."

5. It was a tough adjustment for some when Starbucks bought out the Love Shack.

6. Fetching Senator Clinton's coffee would be a lot less humiliating without her insistence on "one squirt of cream, right from the source."

7. "Nothing like a nice rich Colombian blend to get you started in the morning. The coffee's good, too."

8. Winona Ryder did not pay for that coffee.

Best of metalgarth
Important scene from "The Devil Buys All Her Clothes At Hot Topic".

Best of Double the U
Another example of how nature says, "Do Not Touch"

Best of Jack Reacher
Jan was arrested later, when four illegal aliens were found concealed in her hair.

Best of Cricket
Now we know what happened to the 22,000 bees. The Hive Queen has assimilated them.

Best of prince of leaves
Thought bubble: "Oh great...you'd think this joker with the camera had never seen a woman with three-fingered hands and thumbs on the wrong side."

Best of prince of leaves
As a favored servant of the Dread Cthulu, Raven was often tasked to take the Pulpy, Betentacled One out to get his morning coffee.

Best of curly
Meet Briana Emo, Brian Eno's daughter.

Best of CJ
ORA: In Season 5, Kai and Xev were merged into a single character... who still wouldn't sleep with Stan Tweedle.

:-P Timmeh!

An Important Message About Breast Exams

1. "Ah, yes, the Dow Corning Model DD1134C. Excellent choice."

2. "Nope, not doin' it for me. Put the hockey jerseys back on."

3. And now, the most critical portion of the 'Hooters' employment interview.

4. "Um, that 'lump' isn't cancer, it's my nipple."

5. "Now, by the time you're forty, they'll probably hang down to about here."

Best of metalgarth
Next up at the Grindhouse: "Teenaged Hospital Orderlies getting in Trouble in your Living Room", a Samuel L. Bronkowitz production.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In the next season of "Heroes", Heather demonstrates her newfound ability to determine a persons sex by merely touching their chest. It is soon discovered the only person she is unable to "read" properly is Michael Moore.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
So let me understand this... AP photo-journalists can add billows of smoke to "enhance" war scene pictures, but V the K can't photoshop out a pair of gloves and a shirt?

Best of Submariner
Fembot maintenance tip #23: When prepping for cleaning, push gently, but firmly. The silicon catch reservoir WILL come out the Jiggly Bits Assembly at the side.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure Mr. Wolfowitz can find a position--I mean JOB--for you."

Best of prince of leaves
"The imam what? Withdrew his fatwa? Dammit! All that extra progesterone and now we STILL won't be able to leave the house with non-relative males!"

Best of Submariner
"Ooh baby, I'm touching her - now what?"
Livonia phone sex mavens at work.

Oh, Snap!

1. "Okay, Mr. Sullivan, now just relax while I retrieve that gerbil for ya."

2. "Actually, the EPA recommends use of a full-body decontamination suit when handling Ms. Lohan's urine sample."

3. A third technician "suits up" in hopes of finding her two missing colleagues, who never returned from Paris Hilton's body cavity search.

4. Becky never quite grasped the subtlety of the "No glove, no love" slogan.

5. Who cares if it's not faithful to the original; I like the direction of the Laverne & Shirley remake.

6. (Sigh) "Why is it when I heard some jerk had a giant, mirrored, disco penis stuck in his rectum, I just knew it would be you, Sully."

7. "I'm sorry. The operation was a failure. We pulled John McCain's head out of his ass, but he still supports the Amnesty bill."

8. CapThisClassic: "OK, Senator Clinton, let's check out that prostate."

9. "I'm not just for decoration, I can also satisfy a latex fetish."

10. "Your coot's just fine. The next time you suffer from 'lunar swirlage,' just take some Midol."

Best of curly
“…and I’ll have you know that this brand of Latex gloves has received Sully’s highest rating ever: five fists ‘way up’.”

Best of The Man
In soviet union, prostate examines you.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sorry Hillary, the gloves don't go up to my elbows."

Best of jeff
Sally enjoyed the proctology section of her residency way too much...

Best of Submariner
Following the gloves, Nancy donned CDC anti-contamination gear and then an arctic exposure suit. After all, a girl couldn't be TOO careful when palpitating Teddy the Whale's liver...

Well, the Ugly Ones Aren't

1. "So, are the tips good? Being one of the living dead, I mean?"

2. "Thanks for the support, Dieter. Shall ve dance?"

3. "We felt sorry for you, so the girls and I pooled our tips so you could buy yourself a nice rack."

4. "So, what's Jack Skellington like in real life?"

5. "I guess I understand the feminist left's support for radical Islam. For you guys, a burqa would sort of level the playing field."

Best of Submariner
You're right sweetheart - we're for bedroom gymnastics. But you probably wouldn't know about those...

Best of Rodney Dill
"...Thats right, we also get the beer..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sorry you're not my type, I only like women."

Best of curly
“Look honey, I know it’s not fair and I'm sorry that you didn't get an interview, but Senator Hillary expects her interns to look ‘just so’.”

Best of curly
“I’m with you, sister. Just a heads up, the owner opened a can of tuna at the back of the resturant to try to draw you away, so try to avoid the tempation.”

Best of Double the U
Don't be silly, they are for doing laundry and cooking.

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
Dang, Data! Shouldn't you be at the Star Trek convention?

Best of 2spothipshot
"Hey,come on,don't be so glum.Look at Helga there behind me,'she' is a defected East German and she still has fun."

Best of 2spothipshot
Though Jane was named for the famous commy-symp sexpot,it was hard to imagine her in anything other than a documentary about insects.

Best of 2spothipshot
"Hey,is that some kinda crack about the way I dress? And to think,I came out here to offer you a cool refreshing beverage."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Then who's gonna help us with the Christmas lights?"

Best of Brian_in_MA
"At least we have a job, you smelly hippie!"

Nice Cups

1. "Here at the Kris Draper Center for Unplanned Teen Pregnancies, our goal is helping unwed mothers get their start."

2. "Lunar swirlage? Is that, like, when you flush a used tampon?"

3. "When shall we three meet again/In thunder, lightning, or in the ladies room at Joe Louis?"

4. "Well, we've got a lusty working class type for Monica, an underage boy-toy for Debra, but I don't think we'll ever find a face painter to suit Jennifer's fetish. Black guys just don't dig hockey."

5. "Sorry, but it takes more than wearing sports jerseys to make you a butch lesbian. Go out and get yourselves mullets."

Super-Best of Chrees
The Cameron Frye fan club prepares for their annual meeting...

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Senator Clinton, your order of wings is here..."

Best of The Man
The young communists thought the Red Wings were a sympathetic pilot's union.

Best of The Man
The logo for the Red Wings is a metaphor for all the people packing their crap and moving out of Michigan as fast as possible.

Best of Submariner
Now that wasn't nice at all. Most of us LEFT the crap when we moved out...

Best of jeff
"Yes, we're the new Red Wings front line... we've taken down a lot more guys than the old one!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"That nice Mr. Wolfowitz promised us great jobs in the front office."

Source: News of Detroit
Yes, I'm Still Bummed!

Well, So Much for That

1. ORA: "We may have lost the Western Conference finals, but we can still go on to exterminate Lokai and the rest of his inferior race!"

2. "Sorry son, the Ducks beat us 4-3. Daddy lost his bet, you are now the official property of the Walt Disney Corporation. I can only hope they go easy on your tender ass."

3. "Son, there ain't no restrainin' order on Earth that can stop my hand from going under your shirt and out through your sleeve."

4. "Son, don't feel so bad. Compared to the bleak future you face competing with 90 million illegal aliens for scarce jobs in a socialist Democrat economy, not winning the Stanley Cup is really not that big a deal."

5. "Could you be the next Steve Yzerman? I don't know. Was Yzerman also a mewling sissy-boy who wet his pants and played with My Pretty Pony when he was a little kid?"

Best of The Man
Well son, the good news is that our car was not firebombed.

Best of Jack Reacher
"If you thought the game was exciting, son, wait until we run twelve blocks through Anaheim at night wearing these getups."

Best of Silhouette
"I still don't see how you can claim he is my son. Lots of people have half-red-half-white faces. It don't prove nothing."

Best of sonicfrog
Bele explains to his son why their race won the civil war on Cheron: "We love hockey. They loved baseball... Wusses!".

Best of Submariner
The "Michigan tan" that occurs when you fall asleep at Big Bear and never roll over.

Source: News of Detroit.
(Yeah, I'm still bummed about this).

Who Let Hilldog Out?

1. "I'm crushing your freedom, I'm crushing your freedom, I'm crushing your freedom..."

2. "Here's where I am... on top! And here's where all you people are who I'm going to take things away from for the common good are."

3. "So, clearly, some of the stories about my husband have been somewhat exagerrated."

4. "How tall is Dennis Kucinich really? Let me give you some idea."

5. It's a toss-up which is more disturbing, her hand gesture, the blazer made from upholstery, or that creepy, insane, drifters-buried-in-crawlspace look in her eyes.

:-P A Rapp

Best of Anonymous
And my clenis is....this big!

Best of Jack Reacher
"My favorite position with Bill? Anything with at least this much space between us."

Best of Submariner
Despite months of lessons from Madonna herself, Shrillary never quite got the hang of "the Vogue."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Why presidential nominees should never do the "robot".

Best of Targetpractice
Sylar, not to be outdone by stealing the ability to mimic forms, has moved on to steal Rumfeld's karate moves.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Bill keeps tellin' me this is 10 inches."

Best of sonicfrog
The mystery of just why they stay married just deepened.

Best of Jonathan
No one dared inform the Hilldawg that she was butchering the Macarena.

Best of Jonathan
"All's I'm sayin' is that if I could get Vince Foster into a box this big, you'd best keep your trap shut, Hannity."

Best of The Man
The snuke was this far in my snitch.

Best of Submariner
Sorry about that, Chief; missed the Presidency by THAT much.

Best of curly
“…so you put one hand on each side, spread ‘em apart, put yer head in as far as it’ll go, and say ‘echo’, or ‘health care’, or whatever. Great fun!”

Bitchslap of the HillDog

1. "It *was* Gavin Newsom's man-spit. Now, it's mine!"

2. "I'm a f**king little teapot, this is my f**king handle, this is my f**king spout."

3. Q. What is the sound of one-hand clapping? A. The grating shriek of a permanently menstruating militant lesbian.

4. "And then I said, 'Back off, Ellen. That one's mine!"

5. Hillary's mouth is the 7-11 restroom of politics, it's always open, full of crap, and scarier than Hell.

6. "And then I said, 'You kids get off that thing. It's not a trampoline, it's my diaphragm!'"

7. "Any Indigo Girls fans in the audience. Let's see some hands."

8. "Then, I said to Bill 'My intern? I thought she was *your* intern?'"

9. "And when I get take-out chicken from 'Popeye's' I say 'Take that, Colonel Sanders! Take that, Burger King!'"

10. "Ein Volk! Ein Dyke!"

11. "And ever since that crazed cannibal clown ate my right arm, I have been a disabled American."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Let me explain to all V's caption minions... This is Tuesday... 'Hot Babe' day is way over here at Thursday..."

Best of curly
“…and although even the Fwench voted against womyn, amerika is ready for a change in the status quo manbearpig old-boy-network racist/homophobic oligarchy.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It's usually pretty easy for my filthy mind to substitute a phallus into a cap picture involving a microphone and an open mouth...

Usually.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The earrings and bracelet kinda make that dude look almost like a chick.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"My breath smells like tuna, and you KNOW what I'm talkin' bout."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
What Commander Riker would have ended up with if he married that androgenous being from the episode no one likes to talk about.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
She knew she may have crossed the line in pandering to the black vote when she promised to "keep her pimp hand strong".

Best of Jack Reacher
"Coming this fall, American Idol, Cranky Marxist Lesbian Edition!"

Best of Submariner
"Actually, after getting it in, I prefer to open my hand and wiggle my fingers thusly for maximum pleasure ..."

Best of Submariner
She-Hulk MAD! She-Hulk SMASH puny liberties.

Best of Targetpractice
I tried to follow Hillary's speech, but then she started screaming something about "The Sudetenland" in German and I got lost.

:-P A.Rapp

Suckers!!!!

1. "Hey, McCain, tell your Republican base what you told Cornyn. Oh, wait, you just did."

2. "And that poor dumb bastard really believed there was going to be border enforcement under the Amnesty Bill."

3. "Dudes! We've destroyed America! Let's celebrate with some giant beer cups and Asian hookers dressed like nurses."

4. "Whoa, that 'Barack the Magic Negro' song is pretty damned funny."

5. Obama smiled. "First one's free, suckers. After this, it's a twenty dollars a hit." (And then Dawn's head exploded again.)

Best of Submariner
One split second after Chris Mathews plaintively asked, "But you guys really DO care about the U.S. and the troops and all that, right?"

Best of Submariner
Sharpton asks if the DNC will institute the minority programs in 2008 that it's been promising since the mid 70's "...if I deliver the black vote one more time?"

Best of Lyn Perry
The "pull my finger" joke finally gets to Capitol Hill.

Best of Van Helsing
Some Senators never get tired of the old "itching powder in Hillary's jockstrap" gag.

Best of Jack Reacher
Nice, making fun of rich, retarded white guys. Learn their stories. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So Obama asks where he should campaign next, and Reid tells him to try Livonia!"

Best of The Man
Teddy: "Rectum em....Damn near drowned...killed em."

Best of Submariner
"ONE keg for the Kennedy kompound?????"

Best of Submariner
"...and then The Doyle admits on 'Cap This! that 'Ark II' was a RELIGIOUS experience for him!"

Best of curly
"Damn! I just love screwing the little people!"

"Hey Kobe! Our borders are open; wide f**king open!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Err eh... It looks like you fellas have never seen a midget f*ck a chicken before..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hours of fun were had... repeatedly voting for Ron Paul on the online poll.

Best of the paperboy
...and then The Skipper hits Gilligan with his hat! Me and The Doyle would sit around for hours replaying that scene!

Best of curly
"Then I said 'no one cares more about the troops than I do'!"

:-P: Brender and Gorak

Al Gore Is a Turd

1. "Tip, what's a 'smelly pirate hooker?'"

2. "This ad says she's a kinked-out chubby chaser with a fetish for combovers. Jackpot!"

3. "Wow, this Prince M'Benga guy sounds like he could really use my help. And, I could use the cash to buy some carbon off-sets!"

4. "Hey, Tip... what are all these lesbian chat rooms doing under my bookmarks?"

5. "r u really 14? do u have xxx selfpix?" How Al Gore met Miss America.

6. Typical Sunday at Gore Manor. Get baked. Watch the screensaver.

7. "I GOT MAIL! I GOT MAIL! YAY!"

8. ORA: "Tip? What the hell is a 'globular cluster?'"

9. "Something's wrong. Usually it's lots of little technicolor frogs. What the Hell did that kid sell me?"

10. "What the hell? Whenever I type something, it makes red lines under the text. How the hell am I supposed to send the New York Times an important global warming editorial with red lines all over it?"

Best of Submariner
ANOTHER pic and captions that makes me look stupid - I'll get that bastidge V. the K. if it's the last... Whoa; get a grip on yourself, buddy, this is CNN.com...

Best of Jack Reacher
"My online horoscope says 'If there's a large multicolored frog on the wall behind you, you are a shameless self-promoting hypocrite.' Stupid online horoscope."

Best of chunkstyle
"Man, look at those carbon-based papers offsetting the structural integrity of the desk."

Best of Tremor
Meanwhile, inside the Goracle's secret command center, our intrepid hero tracks the movements of the nefarious Manbearpig.

Best of Jack Reacher
Al Gore continues development work on his Paperless Office Initiative.

Best of Submariner
ORA: The Goracle chuckles lowly as he scans the newly installed "Sliver-vision" display unit.

Best of Jay Guevara
Damn, I hope Sheryl doesn't extend that "one sheet" business to printer paper...

Best of Silhouette
One of the stipulations of Arafat's will was that the horrible red binder continue to be stored in the middle of a desk pile.

Best of Jonathan
"Dammit, all the best IM handles are taken: bushsux, alwonFL2k, dierove..." Al has a hard time registering with the new Kos commenting system.

Best of curly
“Tipsy, have you seen my copy of The Communist Manifesto? I had it right here, next to Mein Kampf.”

Best of Chrees
"I can find the explicit lyric versions of songs on iTunes much easier thanks to Tipper."

Best of prince of leaves
After months of concerted effort, Al Gore whittled the size of his office's carbon footprint down to merely that of Peru.

Best of Cybrludite
"The latest book of "Worlds Apart" is out!I wonder what hijinxs XCommander Lear will be up to this time..."

Best of The Man
Hot.....Not Hot.....Hot....

Best of curly
"That damn Sheryl Crow is horning in on my global warming schtick, but I'll show her. I'll recommend cutting the toilet paper squares in four and save more trees than her."

Best of Submariner
Dear Penthouse, I never believed your letters were real until this REALLY happened to me...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Yo douchebag... How's about using an inconvenient filing cabinet?

Best of curly
"Instead of 'how much wood could a woodchuck chuck', let's figure out the carbon footprint of these troublesome creatures."

Best of sonicfrog
Hey! I invented this!!!

Source: Sondra K

Sully's People

1. "No longer will Karl Rove control my breasts."

2. Scientists recently isolated the number 1 and 2 causes of adult-onset male homosexuality.

3. "The push-up action accentuates what's left of our emaciated mammaries, and the long sleeves are brilliant for hiding the needle marks."

4. OK, which one is Ozzy Osbourne and which is the dessicated corpse of Joan Collins?

5. Joss Whedon's "Wonder Woman" casting calls... apparently not going well.

Best of Jack Reacher
Barbara Streisand announces "I'm not unwrapping these babies until Bush is out of the White House." A grass-roots effort is immediately formed to amend the Constitution to allow Bush to serve another term.

Best of Jack Reacher
Ron Paul supporters await his arrival in West Hollywood.

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
Damn, there's a good cap there, but I can't quite come up with it. Argh. Dody Goodman, "Splash".

Best of Submariner
Ang Lee remakes "When Harry Met Sally."

Best of Submariner
Hey Maury; look what came in my Happy Meal™! Maury? Maury?

Best of Submariner
No kidding; the kid said just lay in the sun, and voila! they'd expand just like Jiffy Pop™...

Best of The Man
The Andrew Sullivan Fan Club - Miami meets for the first time. Ron Paul, Club President.

Best of Submariner
I wear this outfit and live in a bottle because The Doyle had a thing for Jeannie back in the 60's...

Hat Tip: LGF

McCHUD

1. Corporate Marketing Failures: McDonald's Hannibal movie tie-in Happy Meals.

2. Bet you regret asking what meat was in a McRib now.

3. Send in... the clowns, those zombie, flesh-eating clowns.

4. How many band names can you spot? Insane Clown Posse. Cannibal Corpse. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Pennywise, Fine Young Cannibals...

5. More things Eric Cartman sees whenever he closes his eyes.

Best of Double the U
Even Ronald would eat his own arm before he would eat at McDonalds .

Best of prince of leaves
The new Special Edition of the "Blair Witch Project" comes with the original ending, judged too disturbing (and potentially actionable) to show in theaters.

Best of prince of leaves
If you thought Michael's Neverland Ranch was bad, wait until you see Ronald's Neverseenagain Ranch.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Would you like to supersize that for 79 cents more?"

Best of Rodney Dill
So that's where the special sauce comes from.

Best of curly
"You were a rude, thoughtless little pig."

Best of Submariner
Let's put it this way - If he'd a been FAST, he WOULDN'T a been FOOD...

Best of Submariner
ORA: Snake Plissken hated seeing what Beverly Hills had become.

Best of Submariner
Nothing left but wings and legs again! How come I never the thighs or breasts?

Best of Submariner
Appears they finally opened a McBurger Hut in Gaza...

Best of the paperboy
I can sell these left over collectible Halloween drink cup sets on eBay and make a fortune!

Best of Rodney Dill
Rozerem: Your dreams miss you... However, your drug induced nightmares want you to eat the warm flesh of your victims.

Best of Submariner
"What Went Down in the Superdome" - a documentary by Michael Moore.

Timmeh!

Sci-Fi Saturday

1. Inspired by the Chinese, Planned Parenthood rolls out the "Abortabego" to thin the herd.

2. The Amnesty Bill provided the Border Patrol with spiffy new uniforms, high-tech vehicles, and trained chimps. But then, Bush had them all thrown in prison for "harassing" illegal immigrant drug dealers.

3. After spending millions on getting the buses "pimped" and snazzy new uniforms for the 'gender awareness' counseling staff, the school district was baffled that test scores didn't improve.

4. Dennis Kucinich (center) and his campaign staff tour the American southwest.

5. OK, since this is a snapshot from a Jim Kolbe camp-out, I understand the S&M gear, the Star Trek uniforms, the kicky leather boots, and the chimp, but what how does the chick figure into it?

:-P = Timmeh?

Friday's Finger Pull

1. Nothin' to see here. Just Saddam Hussein using the WMD's he didn't have on the people he didn't kill. Move along.

2. Large packages of Mallomars and Doritos are delivered to the Democratic National Committee as they 'brainstorm' on their Iraq policy.

3. Under the Amnesty bill, a "cloud of magical smoke" was deemed an adequate substitute for 700 miles of fence.

4. "Crap! Dennis Kucinich must be consulting with his campaign advisers 'Mr Pipe' and 'Mr Roach' again."

5. "Chinese Fire Drill! For Real This Time!"

Best of Jack Reacher
RPS couriers deliver Doritos and Twinkies to Willie Nelson's ranch.

Best of Submariner
"It not me - dog did it."

Best of prince of leaves
Just another "work accident" at the Aum Shinrikyo compound.

Best of prince of leaves
The Kroger promo promised free crates of ramen for all -- but failed to mention the Indiana-Jones-like gauntlet shoppers would have to run to obtain them.

Best of Submariner
When we return to E! True Story;
SOTG's run for the border, a few too many Dos Equis, and his role in the tragic prom ending.

Best of prince of leaves
Thompson-as-Norris Cap: President Fred Thompson was so tough, it only took one puff of smoke from his cuban cigar to turn back the attempted Communist invasion of Taiwan.

Best of Submariner
Visitors to Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport run past the designated "Smoker's Lounge."

Best of Submariner
Dawn helped out Old Navy™ by generating her own "Fire Sale."

:-P: John "Them Dukes" Schneider

Workin' for the Weekend

1. To celebrate passage of the Amnesty Bill, the Kennedies broke out the Really Big Cups for the Hyannisport Memorial Day kegger.

2. 'Ow to speak Kennedy: Shot glass.

3. When Cindy Sheehan joined 'breasts not bombs' the market for puke-buckets exploded.

4. "We're gonna keep drinking until we die of alcohol poisoning or the Bush-Kennedy Amnesty Bill makes sense."

5. "You know, this is really good Kool-Aid, but it's creepy the way Karl Rove keeps talking about 'leaving our vehicles' and 'becoming one with celestial consciousness.'"

6. "Patrick Kennedy mixes the best margaritas!"

7. "Whoa, I hope nobody mixes up any of the beer with this urine sample from Lindsey Lohan. Some of the STD's swimming around in this are new to medical science."

8. Little Known Facts About Capitalism: The founder of CostCo developed his business philosophy while running a lemonade stand.

9. "You idiots! Those were the holding vats for Michael Moore's liposuction!"

10. After steeling himself with industrial strength beer goggles, Matthew Broderick goes home to the grim task of mounting Sarah Jessica Parker.

Best of The Man
In Soviet Russia, buckets shot you!

Best of Occasional Reader
Picknickers at the Claes Oldenburg Huge Ass Thematic Cookout await the arrival of the giant weiners.

Best of Jack Reacher
Democratic National Committee delegates prepare themselves for the news that Hillary will be their party's nominee.

Best of The Man
..and after a few of these and a toke of this Ron Paul starts to make sense.

Best of the doyle
This-is-the-right-line-for-coffee?-The-good-coffee-right?-You-know-I-don't-normally-drink-too-much-coffee,-is-this-line-moving?-I-hope-it's-Columbian-coffee.-I-normally-don't-drink-too-much-coffee.-Did-I-say-that-already?-How-come-this-line-isn't-moving?-I-don't-drink-decaf-cause-it-doesn't-give-me-the-edge-I-need.-How-come-this-line-isn't-moving?

Best of lawhawk
Zed was wrong. They are holding an intergalactic kegger down here after all!

Best of lawhawk
Vodkapundit shows the proper form of how to deal with the debates.

Best of Silhouette
"But I only had one beer, ociffer."

Best of Prince of leaves
Great. Making fun of Lilliputians drinking beer from Dixie Cups before bouncing on Cindy Sheehan's diaphragm like a trampoline. Read their story. Edumacate yourselves, morons.

Best of prince of leaves
"Okay, the novelty's worn off...where do we find the 'drink that makes you tall'?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Jonestown annual reunion picnic.

Best of Van Helsing
Passing out the Kool Aid at a global warming rally.

Best of curly
"Cindy Sheehan's waiting for you in the ditch, but I suggests drinking of 3 of these first."

:-P = El Paper Muchacho

Herro Nurse!

1. "Herro, Rogan. Enjoying Rast Day, Caplicorn 21? You leady for Calousel?"

2. Bill Clinton sends out for Chinese.

3. Lindsey Lohan stumbled out of her bungalow at Betty Ford and wondered why the two giant white lizards were whispering, "Humngous Srut" behind her back.

4. "I'm sick and tired of being called a 'f**king gook!' You give Senator McCain his enema."

5. Bill Clinton shook his head. "Changed my mind, ladies. I'm in more of a Japanese schoolgirl frame of mind... with a whip."

Best of Submariner
I'm Fred and this here's Stanley. We're just further along in the process than those sari boys...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Smile, Mom! That Wolfowitz guy can probably get us both jobs if we play our cards right."

Best of The Man
Hillary's staffers knew what she meant when she claimed to have "yellow fever"

Gotta Like Boobs A Lot

1. "No, you idiot, it's not our 'BRAINS... BRAINS' people want."

2. If the hot alien chicks from Dude, Where's My Car mated with the Thermians from Galaxy Quest, the result would probably look something like this.

3. "Does the carpet match the drapes? What are you, an interior decorator? I thought this was a straight bar."

4. If that's not the face of a guy whose wang was hit hard by rangers, I don't know what is.

5. "You need to examine our headlights? Well, you don't look like a certified state motor vehicle inspector, but OK."

Best of divine miss m
Your grade school dance teacher would smack you both with her cane if she saw your posture now.

Best of the doyle
Transform and combine to create Boobatron.

Welcome to Oedipus-Mart

Best of Jonathan
The Wal-Mart merchandising rep assigned to Arkansas stores has a bright future.

Best of jeff
Wal-Mart - helping you prevent your next unanticipated Mother's Day.

Best of Jack Reacher
When you love Mom so much you don't want to share her with any siblings.

Best of Submariner
...so c'mon down and give mom a thrill at the ball game; it's KY Warming Personal Lubricant night!

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Mom's ovaries; Mom's business.

Inspired by the paperboy
In retrospect, Sharpton's lawsuit could have been avoided if Wal-Mart's marketing people had understood the nuances of Ghetto slang.

:-P = Divine the Miss M

Communism Was Never This Fabulous

1. Ron Paul and his campaign advisers explain how the USA was responsible for 9-11 through the magic of interpretive dance.

2. ♪ "I am Sully/Hear me roar!" ♪

3. Now, John Edwards is just baiting Ann Coulter.

4. Gay Drag Show or Televised Evangelical Church Service? It gets ever harder to tell.

5. The Gay Community responded to Jerry Falwell's death with its usual class and restraint.

Best of andthenblammo!
Hillary Clinton's campaign stop in San Francisco not only set a new standard for pandering to a local electorate; it put a serious dent in the nation's Strategic Lamè Reserve.

Best of jeff
Live from Mars Hotel... Boy George gives it another try.

Best of Silhouette
"Eep-Op-Orp-Ah-Ah!"

Best of The Man
CNN executives quickly realized that letting Andrew Sullivan moderate the third GOP debate was a really, really bad idea.

Best of Double the U
Birthday parties were never the same at Chucky Cheese once political correctness took over.

Best of Jack Reacher
Everyone at the annual Firefighters' Convention looked forward to the performance by the Key West Delegation. (Livonia's just demonstrated the utility of firehoses in crowd dispersal - V)

Best of Jack Reacher
In a public appearance today, Libyan strongman Moammar Khadafi sported odder than usual clothing, and informed shocked bystanders that he will hereby be known as "Fatima."

Best of prince of leaves
But what came up out of the well after Iran nuked Tel Aviv wasn't exactly what Ahmadinejad had been expecting...

Best of prince of leaves
A glimpse of Madonna's 2058 "Cybernetic Orifices" tour.

Best of Rodney Dill
Upon reaching heaven and seeing the all gay heavenly choir, Jerry Falwell turned the other way saying, 'nevermind.'

Best of Jonathan
"Velcum to Sprockets, I am your host Deiter. Today we examine the avant-garte 'Devo, The Statue of Liberty, and Yellow Stripe: The Musical'."

Best of the doyle
A rare photograph of one of the scenes left out of Triumph of the Will.

Best of Submariner
Metropolis II - San Francisco Underground
A classic remake directed by Ang Lee

Best of Submariner
And I want ALL you girls to dig DEEP into your Gucci's and contribute EVERYthing you can to the "Bill Clinton for First Lady" Fund!

Best of sonicfrog
Daily Kos just turned three??? Time to celebrate!!!!

Best of Cybrludite
Blake's Seven: The Musical

Source: Agent Bedhead

Thank You, Come Again

1. "Welcome to another episode of Queer Brahmin for the Straight Untouchable."

2. "I look like a cow? Thank you, thank you very much!"

3. After the craziness of American Idol, Sanjaya was happy when life got back to normal and he could just hang out at the bar with his friends.

4. "Dell Tech Support, this is Jolene, Mary Lou, and Betty, how may we assist you?"

5. Somebody should tell Bobby Jindal that this kind of thing only really works for Giuliani.

6. Bombay, 1865: "Lord Sullivan? The houseboys wish to know if you are ready for your morning bath."

Best of The Man
♪♪Dude looks like a Shiva♪♪♪

Best of metalgarth
The first attempt at glam/shock rock in India: "The New Delhi Dolls"

Best of divine miss m
ORA: They had become himones, for which there ain't no English word.

Best of prince of leaves
EPISODE SYNOPSIS: While searching Federation archives for information on the Dominion, Sisko uncovers photographic evidence of the presence of Vorta clones on 21st Century Earth.

Best of prince of leaves
Paris was surprised that there even was such a thing as an Indian gang in the women's prison -- but not nearly as surprised as by what came next...

Best of the doyle
Sometimes the reincarnation process didn't quite work as expected.

Best of Submariner
We're justing waiting for Mr. Romney. Just imagine; we could be his MULTIPLE wives!


:-P = Brender

One Shot

1. Sully was very excited to be the featured speaker at Yearly Kos and had the perfect accessories for the tinfoil hat.

Best of whacko
Dang! I've got these chaps on backwards again!

Best of racerboy
I see London
I see France
I see...uh, nevermind.

Best of divine miss m
Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night...

Best of Silhouette
Finally, Mama spank!

Best of Rodney Dill
Mongo like chaps.

From: K Is P. Really.

Pah Rump Pum Pum Pum

1. George W Bush Guest Stars in a Very Special "Touched by a Negro."

2. Desperate to change the tone, Bush joined Kucinich's Drumming Circle and called for immediate surrender in Iraq. Left-wing Democrats still hated his guts.

3. "So, are you wonna them there Magic Negroes I heared so much about?"

4. Dubya wasn't thrilled with the boyfriend Jenna brought back from the Peace Corps, but since he was his grand-baby's daddy, he did his best to form a connection.

5. "No, Mr. President, on the drum. If I find your hand on my thigh again, I'm gonna break it off."

Best of jeff
President Bush, not content with being the conductor, insists on micromanaging the percussion section.

Best of metalgarth
"W" secretly idolized Neal Peart, and Tommy Lee but needed to find a simpler style to begin his post presidential career as a drummer.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Look, Ah just lahk to give people Ah lahk nicknames; If youall don't want to be called 'Uncle Tom-Tom', Ah'll jest think up another."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Look, nice work, but I have to warn you; our last drummer exploded."

Best of divine miss m
Black guys helping white guys...Bill Murray should be awfully proud!

Best of Double the U
I keep trying to look under that head piece to see if he has some nappy hair or not.

Best of andthenblammo!
"I hate to tell you this, Mr. President, but you've just declared war on our neighboring village."

:-P = Gorak!

The Confusion of Today's Youth

1. "This swap isn't working out quite the way I had imagined."

2. When "the Axxe Effect" goes horribly awry.

3. "Class, because your regular Health teacher is in bed with the Clap, Sex Ed will be taught today by Mr. Sullivan and Ms. DeGeneres."

4. A young Ronaldo indulges his armpit fetish while two girls prepare for the 'Talent' portion of the Hillary R. Clinton internship program.

5. "Class, because your regular Phys Ed teacher is in bed with Mr. Sullivan and Ms. DeGeneres, your Gym Class will be taught by Roman Polanski."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
For crissakes... Doesn't anyone just do jumping jacks anymore?!?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Did someone put ecstasy in the drinking fountain again?"

Best of Submariner
>SNNNNIIIIIFFFFFF!<
Old Spice, Mountain Rush. Maybe a piquant shower gel first?

Best of metalgarth
When the WWF was bought up by ACLU lawyers and was sponsored by NAMBLA, the coming apocalypse was at hand.

Best of Lyn Perry
Assume crash positions.

Best of Zeke
What happens in Ms. Buford's gym class stays in Ms. Buford's gym class.

Best of Jack Reacher
"So, Dave, do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?"
"That's it, we're not wrestling any more. Get off me."

Best of divine miss m
Public schools now teach how to subdue a classmate caught praying before a test.

Source: Palm Beach Post
;-) Double the U

You Stay Classy, Cappers!

1. Great Odin's Raven! That's a big weiner!

2. Told that a "giant weiner" was coming to town, reporters flocked to the scene to find out what John Kerry had to say.

3. It was promptly hit hard by a giant Ranger.

4. "The cement mixer of chili hasn't arrived? Mr. Moore is not going to like this."

5. "Ya gonna eat that?" Sullivan asked.

Best of whacko
Backstage at The View, the catering service provides Rosie with a little snack.

Best of Submariner
Sully was appalled; "WHO needs that much saffron oil lube?"

Best of Submariner
Just like race horses carry a weight handicap, the "Black Widow" insisted on a size handicap when Mike al'Moore challenged her to a frank eating contest...

Best of Lyn Perry
Oh, so that's a Bob's Big Boy.

Best of Silhouette
I'm glad to see that Herb Tarlek is still working.

Best of Jack Reacher
Andrew Sullivan: "Dear diary--jackpot!"

Best of metalgarth
You don't want to know what's in the "Big Gulp" at 7-11 that goes with their new "John Holmes Big Bite Dog".

Best of The Man
Stop your bitching, it's on page 12 of Rosie's rider. Right after nude pictures of Bea Arthur.

:-P El Hombre

He Calls It Conductering

1. Spike Bush tried to lead the band into a lively rendition of "Der Mullah's Face," but half the orchestra were Democrats, and they just wanted to quit and go home.

2. "Screw you guys! I can get a mariachi band to play the songs you won't play... and for a helluva lot cheaper."

3. "Bet I can spit my chawin' tobacky right in that there shiny spitoon back there."

4. "What do you mean you cretins don't know 'Macho Man?'"

5. "Cheney wants to know if we can do 'Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.' It gets Cokie Roberts super-hot."
Best of The Man
George Bush hates woodwinds.

(Ah, yes, wood and wind, two of the great leit-motifs of Cap This) - V

Best of Silhouette
"All together now: Kill the wabbit, kill the Wabbit, kill the WABBIT!"

Best of curly
After Kucinich spiked his drink with fairy dust, Bush grabs Pelosi’s magic wand and attempts to ‘change the channel’ to an old Gunsmoke rerun.

Best of curly
“Get rid of the bearded clarinet player. There will be no hairy reeds in my orchestra.”

Best of Kevin Walker
Seconds before Bush turned the tubist into a frog.

Best of Submariner

This 'minds me of this one time at band camp with Laura...

Best of Adjustah
With Snape gone, Hermione just wasn't sure about the new substitute Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher...

Best of prince of leaves
"We've replaced President Bush's baton with an Ollivander™-brand wand made with genuine phoenix tailfeathers...let's see if he notices..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Let's hear some Willie Nelson tunes. And y'all know how Willie 'tunes up' before playing, don't ya?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Bibbity Bobbity Boo

Best of Submariner
Knock off that "Hall of the Mountain King" crap. I ain't Cheney...

Best of the paperboy
BARITONE! When the first chair violin pulls my baton, it's "beans beans the magical fruit."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey you in the back, more cowbell!"

Best of divine miss m
"You...yes, you in the back with the drum and the headdress...mind if I give that a try?"

Source: AssPress Photo/Steve Helber

Riddled with ADD

1. Cap This Classic: "Oh, Ennui! Will you ever lose your grasp of me?"

2. A young Canadian contemplates his career options: "Mountie or Fishin' Guide?"

3. "I still don't see why that Ranger had to hit my Wang so hard."

4. "Where is that stupid waiter with my order of Kung Pao? He just muttered something that sounded like 'backyard cockfight' and disappeared."

5. "I can't believe she carded me. Well, that whore can kiss her tip goodbye."

6. "I don't understand this wine list. Does a merlot or a chardonnay go better with a Moon Over My Hammy?"

7. "I'll have the despair burger, and a side of fries slathered with the nothingness of a meaningless existence." Lunch at McSartre's.

8. "I can't believe Barney Frank dumped me ... and at Pizza Hut for goddess's sake."

Best of prince of leaves
His parents tried to warn him, but it was only when he was filling out a Lucky Burger employment application the day after college graduation that Caleb finally understood that his Wymyn's Studies degree was wholly unmarketable.

Best of The Man
Why does Andrew make me wear the "Property of Andrew Sullivan" t-shirt?

Best of Submariner
The "Property of..." T is bad enough. Why'd the guys have to put "In Fact, Their Bi-yotch!" on the back?

Best of Submariner
What did the Avalon Manor doorman mean, and why does it tingle when I think about it?

Best of Submariner
So WOULD I "like to be a Pepper, too?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Wow, four F's on my report card, and a "Kisses like a Girl" comment from my math teacher, Miss Buford."

Best of Occasional Reader
Village of the Damned Slackers

One-Shot

"Bad news, Mr. Sullivan. Your custom 'Ultra-Penetrator' may be delayed in shipment."

Best of The Man
One of Debbie Stabenow's campaign promises was to find a more suitable places to dump her used tampons.

Best of Silhouette
Obligatory Operation Petticoat caption: "We sunk a truck! Let's get the hell out of here!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Objects in rear may be larger than they appear.

Best of curly
Bush lied, cargo slide.

Best of Jack Reacher
Parties at Hyannisport were subdued when the Kennedy gin shipment was disrupted.

Best of prince of leaves
Despite coverage of the minute details of her untimely death, few knew that Anna Nicole Smith's breast implants had to be removed and disposed of as hazardous waste.

Best of Rodney Dill
"... and they still can't get the smile off the Statue of Liberty's face."
(rimshot)

Best of Rodney Dill
"but where am I going to get 10,000 D-Cells?"

Polygolly doodle all the day

1. Mitt Romney gets personal. "I've suffered from erectile dysfunction ever since my Wang was Hit Hard by Rangers!"

2. "Nah, I don't care what Sharpton says. Why listen to a guy who ran for president even though he didn't have a chance in heck of actually winning?"

3. "Thanks Ms Stahl. Y'know, I'm just delighted as heck to be interviewed by all the 60 Minutes correspondents simultaneously."

4. "And if you and all your geezer friends would just commit suicide and stop suckling off the Government's teat, we could have a budget surplus by 2010."

5. "Frankly, Mrs. McCain, I think John got the better deal in this swap and I'd rather jog home from a vasectomy than spend a night with you."

Best of Double the U
No Ma'am, I am not that Eisenhower bastard.

Best of Double the U
Thank you for throwing your underwear up on stage, but I am married.

Best of Van Helsing
"Nice kick, Granny! You got me right in the nards!"

Best of The Man
Mitt, remember me? Wife #14A?

Best of Silhouette
If anyone can help your grandparents understand why you missed dinner, Mitt can.

Best of Cricket
"Mom! When did you escape...uh, get here?"

Best of Jack Reacher
While Gallant shakes Mrs. Newman's hand, Goofus steals her checkbook.

Best of prince of leaves
Old man in tan shirt: "Damn Mormon -- he's just hear to steal our wimminfolk!"

Best of Submariner
Yepper; vote for me and I'll show ya where Wilford Brimley hid that space alien coccoon...

Best of Submariner
Trust me, Agatha - Oops I Crapped My Pants™ brand would serve you well...

Best of Submariner
"...and you can TRUST me when I say we can get rid of the 'problem.' After all, have you seen a 'dark side' in Salt Lake City?"

The Corner

"I Love You, I Wanna Love you tender..."

Best of CJ
Jon Lovitz and Sheryl Crowe headline the 'Just One Square Can Make a Difference' concert for the Environment.

Best of curly
Although Joe’s vaudeville act usually bombed, at least he took comfort in knowing that his ventriloquist dummy would also serve him well as a sex toy back at the Motel-6.

Best of prince of leaves
Man, Colin Ferrell has really let himself go. But Meat Loaf is looking a little slimmer these days.

Best of prince of leaves
Then, in the middle of the duet with Loverboy front man Mike Reno, the clock struck midnight and Cher's youth charm wore off.

Best of prince of leaves
"YieEeeEEEeEEEeeeEEE! Knock it off! This is NOT the time to give me a reach-around!"

Best of Submariner
Headlining at the 2008 DNC, Ron Jeremy and Nasty Pelosi doing their rendition of "Baby Got Back."

Hat tip: Coach TC @ K is P

Quite Unusual

1. Local Police in New Jersey broke up a backyard cockfighting ring this week.

2. Chun Li, you are Lord of the Dance!

3. Prom King SOTG orders his court to fight to the death for his Royal Amusement as his date finishes her bath.

4. A man, a plan, a moob. Boom! Anal pamana! - Worst Palindrome Ever!

5. "I am told that what you lower class types lack in imagination, you make up in sheer savage animal lust-- would you say that's true?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It's fun to prank call Hu's Chinese Takeout.
It's not so fun when they send over Hu's nephew, Mongo.

Best of Brian_in_MA
Blah blah blah Sully blah blah blah personal paradise.

Best of Jack Reacher
T.J. was in big trouble after he ordered a "hot Asian stripper" for the bachelor party without asking for specifics.

Best of metalgarth
The latest version of Mortal Kombat had incredible graphics but gamers were undivided in the opinion that gameplay left much to be desired

Best of sonicfrog
Hey, it's Waldo... sans shirt and glasses. Who knew he carried that much extra weight. And, oh look, there's Jughead!!!

Best of curly
“Let’s go for it; I’m finally wet.”

Best of Submariner
"Chun King"
"LaChoy!"
Block parties had not been quite the same since integration...

Hehheheh heheheh I Can See Her Butt Hehheheh

1. "John Mark Karr, put down that issue of Highlights and get in the tub with me!"

2. "Still not clean enough? OK, Senator Clinton, you can lather me up again. It must be terrible having OCD."

3. "And then I bottle my bathwater and sell in on eBay for $30 a bottle."

4. "Why are you so disappointed, Sully? I said we were going to a bath house, and here we are."

5. Find the Soap was the biggest ratings smash in the history of the Fox network.

Best of Zeke
It's the look they give you, before you put the lid on the steamer that is the hardest to live with.

Best of A. Weasel
So... um...what does that cord go to?

Best of Frank_IBC
"What do you mean, the hose in the background is not to the hand-held shower? I mean, what else could it be connected to? Ha ha... let's have a look-see here, why it's connected... {pause} to an... {GULP} AN ENEMA BAG!!! RUNAWAY!!!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
NOW I understand why you don't wanna throw the babe out with the bathwater...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
*sigh*... I can see the advantages to being a "Submariner" ;)

Best of Jack Reacher
Goofus hopped in the tub and had wild crazy sex with her, while Gallant...well, he did, too.

Best of prince of leaves
"I need a big, strapping young plumber to snake my drain...do you think you're up to it?"

Best of Submariner
I'm dressed this way because Subby prefers his wet T-shirt contestants without any T-shirts...

Best of Submariner
Let's just say that "Bath Night in Enumclaw" don't look quite this good.

Baby in a Box

1. Wal-Mart's version of McDonald's Playland did leave a bit to be desired.

2. Britney Spears prepares to ship the youngun for a visitation with K-Fed.

3. Michael J. Fox was overjoyed. "Yes, another package of fresh, young stem cells!"

4. "Senator Clinton? Planned Parenthood just sent you a boxed lunch."

5. By mailing bricks to senate Republicans, the public managed to change their minds about building a border fence. Using a similar strategy to change Rudy's mind on abortion was less successful.

Best of prince of leaves
FedExodus 2:3 -- "And when she could not longer hide him, she took for him an prepostaged ark of corrugated cardboard, and filled it with polystyrene and with biofoam, and put the child therein; and she laid it in the parcel box by the overnight shipper office."

Best of Rodney Dill
The bubble-wrapped ones never seem to come as fresh.

Best of CJ
Justin Timberlake and two producers of Saturday Nite Live were arrested on child molestation charges today...

V-word 'xndsmpig' as in 'exchange a small pig' which may be what is happening in this pic

Best of metalgarth
Alice In Chains songs should never be used as lullabies.

Best of Jack Reacher
Santa, hard of hearing, didn't understand Timmy when he asked for "A babe, nicely stacked," and instead sent a baby, tightly packed.

Best of Lyn Perry
Early test scene for the Matrix pods before they settled on tubes of gooey liquid.

Best of sonicfrog
OK. Who tore off the shipping label. Dammit!!! I STILL don't know where babies come from!!!!

Best of andthenblammo!
"I looked in the box, I said, 'Look at the baby with the cute peanuts!', I ended up doing 5 to 10. Whatta world."

:-P Divine Miss M

Tommy Hilfiger Throws Up

1. Tammy Faye Bakker was sure three Jacks would beat Boy George's two queens.

2. ORA: "You guys can go home. Surnow decided to go with basic black for the Chinese Terrorists who storm CTU."

3. They're playing "Key West Hold 'Em:" Queens are wild and straights don't count.

4. "Shut up and deal, Chang, I don't care how you can tell that I'm gay."

5. "So, in order to honor the spirits of our ancestors, you get 22 cards and I get four? How does that work?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Wong knew the chances were astronomical, but there it was in his hand -- a Royal Fizbin.

Best of divine miss m
"A frush? What the hell's a frush?"

Best of Cricket
Queen Amadala plays for the soul of Anakin Skywalker in Ingmar Bergman's Pirates of the Caribbean 17: At the Galxly's End.


:-P Brender