Colon Blow

1. ORA: Adam Clymer's large intestine was donated medical science after his death.

2. The Democratic Party searches for a Terrorism Policy in the usual place.

3. "Mine's bigger," Sullivan sniffed.

4. The San Francisco public schools order playground equipment.

5. The Museum of Anatomy saved a fortune on janitors when Sully offered to lick it clean every night.

Best of Double the U
Well Mr. Cheney it is worse than intestinal worms... it is intestinal liberals.

Best of Jack Reacher
The Kennedy clan get together in their life-size replica of Uncle Teddy's colon.

Best of Van Helsing
The Democrat Party found the perfect place to hold its convention.

Best of racerboy
'Ow to speak Australian: management trainees.

Best of The Man
Technically, this is a semi-colon.

Best of Cricket
Watch a live demo on how bills are filled with pork.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Usul, we have wormsign the likes of which even God has never seen."

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
Further proof that soylent green really is people.

Best of Submariner
Here at the Jimmy Dean factory, we likes to show ya what yer gettin' fer breakfast...

Best of Submariner
Once Hugo saw this exhibit, he nationalized it quickly for use as a pipeline.

Best of Zeke
City councils throughout the world, though grateful to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, never really forgave them for their free office furniture.

Best of metalgarth
Scientists at work finding Global Warming statistics...

Best of sonicfrog
Starting from left to right:
Hernia, Hernia, Hernia, Hernia, Hernia,
Himnia, Himnia.

Best of the paperboy
Prairie Dogging takes on a new meaning when the company provided prairie dog tunnels for their workers.


Hat tip: Timmeh!

Rudy Tootie Fresh 'n' Frootie

1. "What do you mean Gavin Newsome was the last man to 'handle' this microphone?"

2. "Oh, man, I just can't hold this one in anymore. For the love of God... SOMEBODY PULL MY FINGER!"

3. Soon to be seen on 3,000,000 moonbat blogs with the caption "Sieg Heil."

4. Rudy reacts to seeing an old friend... boning his ex-wife.

5. "And I probably won't confiscate your guns and use them to abort your babies!" Rudy again tries to meet the conservative base halfway.

Best of metalgarth
Randy said "Dawg, you got talent", Paula smiled and did a little dance in her chair. Simon called him a "talentless hack with no future". No one is really sure if Simon meant as a singer or as a serious presidential candidate.

Best of Jonathan
"For the last f##in' time: THIS is my handle and THIS is my spout!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"And then My Pet Goat went waaaaay back in the pasture...hang on, I'm telling a story here..."

Best of Van Helsing
Rudy terrifies voters by describing the sight of Shrillary silhouetted against a full moon as she flies into the White House on her broom.

Best of Double the U
People give me credit for cleaning up the crime in New York city, in reality I just moved the criminals to upstate New York.

Best of Silhouette
"Feelings. Nothing more than feelings."

Best of prince of leaves
"So I walked into the hotel room, not knowing what to expect, and there was Hillary, lying naked on her back on the bear rug, and no kidding, the damn thing came up to HERE!"

Best of Submariner
♪Somewhere, over the f****n' rainbow...♪

Best of Targetpractice
"This is your candidate. This is your candidate with 240 volts running through him. Any questions?"

"Yeah, he's been stuck in that pose ever since Fred Thompson announced his candidacy. We've started using him as a coat rack."

Best of Rodney Dill
"You must be this tall to ride the Italian Stallion."

Best of sonicfrog
"Great Scott"!!! Rudy Giuliani has been cast as Doc Brown in the latest unnecessary Hollywood remake, "Back To The Future".

Best of Rodney Dill
"... and I live in a van down by the river."

Hat Tip: Double U
Source: Yahoo/Roto-Reuters/Lisa Something

Cana Cana Cana Cana Chameleon

1. "An anti-gravity alien artifact? I'll give ya 50 cents for it."

2. "Yeah, and here's what I think of your stupid videotape, Senator Hilldog!"

3. "Girly, you're gonna have to lose those pigtails. The bulls in this prison yard'll eat ya alive."

4. "You throw the rice at the newlyweds, not the gifts. This your first wedding crash, Helga?"

5. "Hey... somebody lost an eye... and it's still funny!"

Best of Submariner
Evidently, that recruiter from code pink in the background just gave the gal in red one heckuva power wedgie...

Best of Submariner
Girl in red; "That's no way to kill roaches!"

Best of curly
“Wait Marge, don’t throw it away! That black license plate used to be attached to Harry Potter’s a$$!”

Best of Jack Reacher
Jane's phone has landed squarely in the Nine ring. To top that, Gertrude is going to have to knock it out with an answering machine. This is shuffleboard, brought to you by ATT.

Best of Rodney Dill
Thelma and Louise and Mertyl and Agnes.

Best of metalgarth
Somehow, someone found a sport that had even less commercial appeal than "Toilet Seat Horseshoes".

Source: Hometown News

Of Course, Of Course

1. Blah blah blah Enumclaw... blah blah blah Sully...

2. Overflow from the Kennedy's Easter Orgy spilled into the local post office.

3. "Because I rode in on you, that's why. Now, let's get up to Paris Hilton's room."

4. "Did someone here order fresh Rocky Mountain oysters?"

5. Mr. Ed felt satisfied and strangely aroused as Pennywise dragged Wilbur's unconscious and soon-to-be lifeless body into the sewer.

Best of jeff
"Oh great, he's passed out. How the heck am I supposed to work the ATM now?"

Best of Space
Bloke led me to the watering hole, but couldn't make ME drink.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sorry Wilbur, it looked like a carrot in your pocket."

Best of Submariner
Frankly - I've shared the stage with Daniel; and you, sir, are NO Danny Radcliffe...

Best of curly
“How is a poor horse supposed to pay the outrages rates that you plumbers charge?”

Best of curly
“…and a lattè is a little milder than a cappuccino due to the greater volume of steamed milk and velvetized foam.”

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh crap, looks like I stumbled into a Hay Bar."

Best of Jack Reacher
"That horse kicked the man in the vestibule!"
"Oh, my, that's a sensitive area."

Best of Double the U
In a truly unexpected place, Cartman's carefully planed attack on Scott Tenorman finally happened.

Best of Frank_IBC
Horse: "I'm so sick of men. A minute after they climax, they're out cold."

Best of prince of leaves
Enumclaw safe sex PSA: "Barebacking can be deadly, so remember: always wear a saddle."

Best of prince of leaves
When he said he was leaving Siam, Old Paint went all "Fatal Attraction".

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Why the long face? Hillary's hung better...


Photo: Excite News

Let's Start the Feud

1. "Mr Biden, if you'll stop playing hacky-sack, we can begin the debate now."

2. "Hands on the buzzer, top five answers on the board to this question, 'What type of stain is hardest to get out of a dress?'"

3. "Thanks for the water, Senator Clinton. I didn't know Aquafina came in a bitter almond flavor."

4. News Item: Democrats hold their first debate. "No, I hate America more."

5. At the sound of 'The Voice' Joe Biden feels his testicles shrivel and wither. Hillary's Bene Gesserit training serves her well.

Best of Double the U
Obama put the bottle of water in his mouth to cover his laughing, Hillary was comfortable her was bigger.

Best of Zeke
Hillary was shocked that Obama could throw his voice while drinking water. Biden was just confused, "my wiener never sounded like that before"!

Best of curly
“Technically a ménage à trois, is supposed to be two women and a man. What you’re really talking about here is a gang bang, Hill.”

Best of CJ
"Anyway, Mr. Biden, that's what Eunuch is and that's what all males will be once me and the feminist sisterhood are in power."

Best of Anonymous
Sensing the presence of the Queen Alien on the other side of the podium...The larval alien began to gnaw it's way out of Sen. Biden's stomach.

Best of the paperboy
Obama's ventriloquism stunt was a big hit when he made two dummies argue with each other while he drank a bottle of water.

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary: "No I did not say 'Win the Erection.'"


Source and Tip: Knowledge Is Power

Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing.

1. Tommy is welcomed to the brave new world of premature ejaculation.

2. "Yeah, so anyway, prom is coming up and I was wondering... what?... sure, I've got another five to shove in your crotch... anyway, prom is coming up..."

3. "Mom! You're embarrassing me!"

4. "I'd love to stick around, but I'm supposed to have dinner with my grandma." Tommy was definitely queer.

5. "Anyway, sis. Mom and dad said you could come back home, but you've got to lose your nasty black stripper pimp boyfriend. Oh, Crap, he's right there, isn't he?"

Best of Zeke
Bobby's treatment for ADD was all about finding something to focus on.

Best of jeff
"Lady, that's disgusting - pull your shirt back down!"

Best of Jack Reacher
The reason some of the grants for "No Child Left Behind" are paid in singles.

"I am so totally going to be the next video game billionaire. You should hook up with me now, you know, and avoid the rush."

Best of The Man
Little Andrew Sullivan felt that familiar tingle, that aroused feeling that he should get Chasity a manicure ASAP.

Best of The Man
But Mr. Clinton says he needs you to dictate now!

But Ms. Clinton says she needs you to dictate now!

Best of metalgarth
By any chance, could you show me a "wardrobe malfunction". I missed the Superbowl in 2004.

Best of Double the U
P...Pa...Puuu.....Pummm...PUMA!! Reading is fun, I wonder what else there is to do here.

Best of divine miss m
It was sad that the balloon clown got his ass kicked at the stag party, but the entertainment company's mix-up resulted in Joey's best birthday *ever.*

Best of prince of leaves
"Whoa, this guy's not nearly as ripped as that guy over there...I mean, just look at those moobs!"

Best of prince of leaves
Shocked to the core by the brazen display of sexuality, Tommy changed his name to Yusuf and spent the rest of his life writing tracts on the sinfulness of the West.

Best of Jonathan
Stripper for Sen. Clinton? Check. Stripper for Congressman Frank? Check. Kostards dancing? Check. The DNC retreat was in full swing.

Best of Kevin Walker
"They're perfect!" whispered Andrew. "I must have those stockings!"

Best of Submariner
"What the heck are you trying to say with the one black and one white glove?"
Danny always had trouble distinguishing what was actually important.

HT: The Paperboy

Beauty and the Stupidcow

1. "You're... crushing... my... hand!"

2. "Holy sh*t, Debbie. Light really does bend around you!"

3. "How do I get away with a strapless gown at a funeral? Because I can do it without people yelling 'Free Willy,' you stupid cow."

4. "Don't worry senator, I'm sure there'll be plenty of plankton and krill at the buffet for you to strain through your plates of baleen."

5. "I'll miss your demented conspiracy theories now that you've been fired from The View."

Best of Submariner
Why, no, I never get that "not so fresh" feeling. But my sense of smell tells me that you do...

Best of Jack Reacher
"Actually, when I said 'I'm open' I was waving to Kobe over there."

Best of The Man
Debbie: "No, I am here to meet a 13 year old girl that looks freakishly like you...why is John Walsh here?"

Best of The Man
Your representative is so fat, she gets 2 votes.
Your representative is so fat, her district has stretch marks.
Your representative is so fat, when she speaks to the House, she leaves a trail of gravy.
Your representative is so fat, her trip to Japan was cut short when the Japanese military started attacking her.
Your representative is so fat, the Kool-aid Lobby donates money when she wears red.

Best of Double the U
You keep staring at my necklace and smiling, you must really admire the necklace.

Best of Jay Guevara
"I'm glad you found another gig. I really thought you'd score a lot better in the NFL Combine, but those other linemen were tough."

Best of Submariner
Sorry, Debby. I already promised Subby I'd go to the prom with him...

Source: Excite News/ Ass Press/Lauren Burke

Far Out Space Boobs

1. Her hotness completely explains global warming.

2. Yeoman Kelly finds out why you never refuse when Spock says "Put out or get out."

3. The Smithfield Planetarium presents ... Barbarella.

4. Subby just wished she was in orbit around his pole.

5. Admit it, this beats the hell out of four elephants and a giant turtle.

Best of The Man
Good News: Scientists have discovered a planet that might hold life.
Bad News: It is inhabited by superhuman sized lesbians.

Best of Jack Reacher
In response to declining sales, The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe decided to try a lingerie show/buffet special on Tuesdays.

Best of Cybrludite
Must... not... giggle... at... girlfriend's... interprative dance...

Best of jeff
Billy, lacking formal training but not imagination, came up with some different constellations... such as "The Babe."

Best of Silhouette
When I eat a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of swimming in the cold, icy nothingness of space.

Best of Chrees
A still from "Bend it Like Hawking."

Best of Submariner
Gaia finally had "had it up to here" and booted the Earth to the far reaches of space...

Best of curly
Scientists have discovered global warming is actually caused by interplanetary queefs.

Gaia’s opines on Sheryl Crow’s recommendation to use one square of toilet paper: “Don’t you ever feel like there’s a Klingon stuck on Uranus?”



Hat tip: Pamela @ Discarded Lies

The Surrendercrats

1. "Sorry, Chuck, but ever since I took Sheryl Crow's 'one square of TP' advice, I can't seem to stop smelling it."

2. "Let's see, surrendered to the terrorists, check. Slipped a shady real estate deal into an appropriations bill, check. Had 'Pelosi's Bitch-Boy' tattooed on my ass, check. By gosh, Chuck, it is Miller Time."

3. "Ro is leaving The View? Hold me, Chuck. I feel so cold. So... cold."

4. "No, I'm pretty sure I hate America more."

5. Goofus tries to hide his herpes sore from the cameras, while Gallant... oh, who am I kidding? They're both Goofuses.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I can't remember if I wore the bikini-cut or high-rise panties this morning. When I left your place, Chuck, what did you see?"

Best of metalgarth
Beavis, I told you to stop picking your nose and eating it... Now I'm going to have to kick your ass.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oh no, on the floor... that's not..."
"...Yes. It is... Ted Kennedy's liver."

Best of Occasional Reader
"Cheney's attack dog comments are like a *scalpel* pointed at... no, wait, like a *trowel* pointed at... goddammit, Chuck, what's that metaphor you like so much?

Best of Double the U
When asked "What do you think the greatest country on earth is?" both Democrat Senators paused and had to think about it for several minutes.

Best of 2spothipshot
CAPTURED ON FILM - Sen. Chucky caught not whining

Best of 2spothipshot
"I don't know Chuck,that German club where they crap on you is pretty cool, but personally,Harry Ried likes to get bound and gagged Taiwanese preteens for his pleasure."

Best of Double the U
Both Statesmen looked down at the floor as Rep. Dennis Kucinich went at it with a small rubber sex toy for dogs.

Best of the paperboy
There must be a Republican somewhere that we haven't slandered, indicted, humbled or converted.... THINK, dammit!

Best of curly
“Senator Reid, you’ve got some of Osama’s DNA left on your lips…Psyche!”

Best of Cybrludite
"Senator Reid, given a choice between going down on Hillary or shooting yourself in a press confrence like Bud Dwyer, which would you prefer?"
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking...."



Photo: Excite News

Hallelujah

1. Standard Caption #42: Confident! Confident! Dry and Secure!

2. "Crap! M, C, and A just got hit by a lawnmower."

3. Standard Caption #2: "Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Black goat of the woods with a thousand young!"

4. Two seconds later, he was squashed into a stain on the pavement. Yes, he had been open, but had not taken into account the size variance between himself and Kobe.

5. "It bites off the heads of males and uses them strictly for mating purposes. I named it, 'Hillary.'"

Best of metalgarth
For some reason, the special effects in the earlier Alien movies seem a heckuva lot scarier.

Best of Van Helsing
Turnout was low for the neighborhood's first insect gay pride parade.

Best of sonicfrog
Entomologist were not too concerned to find the decidedly less-than-deadly French Mantis had found its way stateside.

Best of Rodney Dill
Everyone celebrated when Rosie left the view.

Best of Kevin Walker
"THE RED WINGS MADE IT PAST THE FIRST ROUND! THE RED WINGS MADE IT PAST THE FIRST ROUND!"

Best of Targetpractice
Did that Mantis just scream "Allah Akbar!"?

Best of Rodney Dill
The ACLU dropped their suit when the name was changed to Meditating Mantis

Best of Submariner
I love you THIIIIIIIIIIS much!

Best of Submariner
Must.Hold.Up.Wonder.Woman's.Boot...Save.Fambly...

Best of lawhawk
I knew it was a bad idea to leave Klendathu early.

Best of Submariner
Watch me pull an arachnid out of my anus! Nothin' up my carapace...

Best of racerboy
Standard caption #89: "Come on, stand up and sing with me -- what are you people, uptight or something?"

Arriba: Evariste
Source

Weird Cat to go with the Sick Dog

1. Never, repeat NEVER ask Ted Kennedy to pick up your cat at the vet.

2. Hillary's repeated attempts to "Vince Foster" Socks were but one of the childhood traumas that would put Chelsea into years of therapy.

3. Hillary's Google search for "wet pussy" was something of a disappointment.

4. "Dammit Sheryl, just use another f**king square of toilet paper!"

5. If you ever gave your cat a swirly, you might be a redneck.

Best of Kevin Walker
"No, not Mr. Gere's ass! I'll behave!"

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
Mr. Bigglesworth, caught in flagrante delicto with Andrew Sullivan in the hot tub.

Best of Silhouette
"Ma'am, looks like we found what was clogging your drain."

Best of Silhouette
Local restaurant "The Asia Garden" received this week's highest cleanliness score

Best of Rodney Dill
Fortunately for Rosie, Barbara Walters had known how to perform the Heimlich maneuver

Best of divine miss m
No animals were harmed in the taking and posting of this photo. One cat, however, was made to feel like a complete fool.

Best of Adjustah
"Hawaiian-shirt Man with ugly glasses woman order more hot, wet pussy for room number 27!"


Hat Tip: Attmap
Source: Weird Cat

Doggy Style

1. "Cold... unresponsive... do you think Dawn would object to a Jewish American Princess joke?"

2. "Does that come in a 'top' model... maybe a St. Bernard or Great Dane size?" Sully asked.

3. The Cingular logo goes to Enumclaw.

4. "...yoquierotacobell! yoquierotacobell! yoquierotacobell! yoquierotacobell! yoquierotacobell! ..."

5. "Can you make a more realistic version?" the marketing people asked, so they programmed it to phone 200 times in the next three weeks asking why the dog never called.

Best of Occasional Reader
Toto falls under the spell of Glenda, The Good Witch of Interspecies Lovin'

Best of jeff
"And I will hug it and kiss it and call it George."

Best of gekkobear
"It vibrates, it jumps, it bumbles around and drives dogs crazy trying to outsmart its unpredictable bounce! Batteries Included."
Oh, this isn't the "Crazy Dog Bumble Ball"...

Best of Jack Reacher
The Dog Whisperer racks up another conquest.

Best of Double the U
Whatsamatter boy? You wanna go out? huh? You wanna cookie? You wanna go out? huh? Ohhh, you want to hump the doll... ok boy... whos my good boy? yes you are.

Best of Adjustah
Steve Jobs likes his pets wind-tunnel tested.

Hat Tip: jeff
Source: Gizmodo

Candy From Strangers

1. "Shee-yit, even I ain't perverted enough to hit this... or am I?"

2. "Hey, Hill', one of your lab animals got out of the dissection room again!"

3. "FINISH HIM!"

4. "Watch this, over the shoulder, nothing but net!"

5. "Hey, one of those NAMBLA guys left this in the Lincoln Bedroom."

6. "No, I ordered the two Big Macs and Extra Large Fries. This must be Hillary's lunch."

7. "The 'Clinton Library Fund' needs $1 million. Have you ever seen a kid with shaken baby syndrome? It ain't pretty."

8. "You do have a point, Mr. Carr. If they can't talk, they sure as Hell can't blab."

9. "They were cleanin' out the drains at NARAL and look what they found!"

10. "No, Al Gore, this one won't 'git in your belly' either."

Best of metalgarth
Lessee… He’s 2 years old. That means he was conceived 'round summer of 2004. He’s got blue eyes, blonde hair… Nope, can’t be mine. I was going through my ‘Wild Asian Mama’ period back then.

Best of The Man
Ahh no hair, few teeth, can't understand a damn thing they say...reminds me of being single in Arkansas.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Naw this one ain't mine, his pee pee's too small."

Best of Double the U
Ohhh, hey there little guy, I see you have some spit up on your little shirt, well Uncle Billy knows a thing or two on how to get stains out of clothing.

Best of Zeke
Yes This clone will do, prepare for the transfer.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey Hill, get some root beer, I wanna make a baby float."

Best of andthenblammo!
"One more cootchy-cootchy out of you, Bubba, and you're headed for the corn field........"

Best of 2spothipshot
"I know this is your gig Hil, but can I be there when the commandos storm in to take him back to 'his dad' in Iran ?"

Best of Submariner
Bill surveys the "surprise" Chelsea brought home from college...

Hat tip: Subby
Source: Here

The Nutty Perfesser

News Item: Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who resigned in disgrace amid allegations of corruptions both fiscal and personal (he cheated on his wife with a man and appointed his unqualified boyfriend as state director of homeland security) will be teaching Ethics at Kean University in Union, NJ.


1. "Here at McGreevey's Mill, our skilled staff will abort any fetus for $99.95."

2. Searching for only "the best and the brightest" to fill posts in his administration, Jim McGreevey hit every rest area men's room on the New Jersey turnpike.

3. "Sure, you guys can work for my administration. I have plenty of holes to fill."

4. "Old Navy? Nunh-unh, girlfriend! We're gonna loot Filene's!"

5. "So, kiddies, I hope we've learned a valuable lesson today. Rimming first, then fisting."

Best of Jack Reacher
Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey explains his ethics philosophy to Sizzler employees Wayne and Skeeter.

Best of The Man
"I am smiling Sullivan, take the damn picture bitch!"

Best of Van Helsing
McCreepy promises his new friends he will win custody of his daughter by the next full moon. Otherwise the Ceremony will have to be postponed.

Best of lawhawk
Master, we just had to move Hoffa's body to make room for Golan Cipel's. Sorry about the mess.

Best of Adjustah
Emperor Palpatine and Darth Maul had hoped that their gay cruise holiday photos would never be made public.

Best of Anonymous
Sorry for the out of character comment, but did his wife really not realize he's a fruit?

Best of Jonathan
My word verification for this one is "zcBJHOT"! Read into that what you will.

Best of Jonathan
"You didn't get the memo, did ya, Jimmy? You're not exactly dressed for 'crazy candy' tonight, ya know?"

Best of Submariner
I'm Jimmy. This here's my "brother" Darryl and my other "brother" Darryl...

Best of Submariner
This here is a genuine man-eating zombie, but he's kinda particular about which parts he eats...

Tips to Van H (pic) and Lawhawk (story)

Aloha. Oy.

1. "Well, if you'd learn not to mouth off, I wouldn't have to burn you with cigarettes."

2. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger work out their custody issues.

3. "Yeah, I napalmed her whole family back in 'Nam, but it's cool now."

4. "Can I get a discount if you don't, you know, have to love me long time?"

5. You meet a variety of people in rehab, everyone from Adam West to Amy Tan.

6. "I'm gonna put on a dashiki and blow your mind!"

Best of divine miss m
Welcome to the Swingers Club of Omaha, just sign in here!

Best of Shayne
Boy, Billy Bob really has hit bottom since breaking up with Angelina!

Best of prince of leaves
After having a change of heart, Elton John pioneers "same-sex divorce" and heads to the Philippines to marry his pen pal Margaret.

Best of Double the U
Don Ho meet Street Ho. Street Ho, Don Ho.

Best of The Man
That is one nappy headed Ho. The chick's all right, though.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yeah, we'd like a room with a king bed, a koi pond, and dim lighting. Very dim lighting."

To demonstrate to others their devil-may-care attitude, Kevin and Doris would frequently switch glasses.

Best of Adjustah
George Hamilton had no qualms about wasting all his Ritz Cracker money just on hookers and blow.

Best of racerboy
Deforrest Kelly highly recommends the #3 Special!

Best of Submariner
"What's yellow and ugly and sleeps alone? Wait, wait, I know this one..."

Hat Tip: The Man
Comes From: Hell

People in Newspaper Ads Who Look Like They're Farting

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"I have just lost control of both my bowels and my bladder. Smile and act nonchalant and maybe nobody will notice. It works for Robert Byrd."

Best of Jack Reacher
"He may be articulate," said Senator Biden, "But he sure is not clean."

Best of Van Helsing
"Ever since my illicit date with Shrillary, it hurts so bad I can't hardly sit down."

Best of Whacko
One way of trying to get by using just one square of toilet paper. Having your swimming pool handy sure helps.

Best of Adjustah
You like that balloon, Senor? Wait, I fill you another one...

From: People in Newspaper Ads Who Look Like They're Farting
H/T: Frank IBC

Blah Blah Blah Rosie O'Donnell Blah Blah Blah

1. "Whoa, that is the 28-car pile-up of skid marks right there."

2. "Aw, come back J-Lo, it was just a joke... maybe."

3. The new Hillary 2008 campaign ad presents a twist on the classic 'Mean Joe Green" Coca-Cola Ad of the 1970s.

4. Another hint of Michael Moore's secret double-life is revealed.

5. "All Hail K! All Hail K! Oh K can you see!..."
Best of jeff
Don't ask, don't tell but you know that Afghani a couple posts down? Yep, his underwear.

Best of The Man
Bob: Man I could use a little ass!
Rosie: Me too, mines as big as a house.

Best of Slhouette
"Woo wee, with THESE babies, I can drive straight cross country without making a pit stop."

Best of prince of leaves
Jared not only lost 2700lbs by eating healthy with Subway, he also cured himself of his uncomfortable and occasionally embarrassing silk panty transvestism.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Whoa! I don't remember eatin' dat."

Best of Jack Reacher
Discreet, effective protection. And nobody will even know you're wearing them!

Best of divine miss m
Available in small, medium, and There-is-no-God!

Best of Van Helsing
Rejected from the Clinton Museum: the trophy Shrillary brought home from her date with Rosie O.

Best of Adjustah
Last known photo of Josh "Whataguy!" Simpson seen here giving his wife a gag gift for their wedding anniversary.

Best of Submariner
Don "the Snake" Prudhomme gets the idea for a breaking device for his dragster...

Hat tip: Tom

Abbey's Load

1. "I feel like chicken tonight... like chicken to-night..."

2. Sir Edmund Hilary's farts were legendary.

3. Ricola now comes with a warning label: "May cause spazz attacks."

4. Rex suddenly realized that if he was going to realize his dream of being the only human being alive to have performed "I'm a little teapot" on the highest point of all five continents, he was going to need four bullets.

5. Deprived of their leader dogs by bigoted Muslim cabbies, the five blind travelers were soon lost and far from Minneapolis.

Best of Double the U
Freeze tag is so much easier when they are all lined up and the air is thinner.

Best of The Man
How do you get the Kennedy's down a mountain? "LLLAAASSSTTT CAAAALLLL"

Best of Jack Reacher
"We all stepped in dog poo simultaneously? What are the odds?"

Best of curly
“…and here’s the 40 acres that my idiot husband Bill blew our life savings on just before the real estate bubble burst.”

Best of Silhouette
Next on the X-Games: EXTREME Hokey Pokey.

Best of Rodney Dill
The faithful concocted elaborate pastimes to while away the time until Godot arrived.

Best of Targetpractice
The Ministry of Silly Walks goes on vacation.

Best of Adjustah
Angela Lansbury's last will and testament had some unusual requests...



Hat tip: Timmeh!

Licking the Spoon

1. "So, Subby, what is the secret ingredient in a gooseberry-roofy jam?"

2. "Spoon's almost lubed up, Senator Clinton. Now, where did you want me to stick it in you?"

3. Smucker? Damn near killed her!

4. Mythbusters prepares to take on the urban legend about the single woman, the dog and the peanut butter.

5. "And this tastes like... Mmmm, Libyan Sweet light crude." Dick Cheney has some odd fetishes.

Best of jeff
I wonder if I can get her for $40 a day?

Best of GOP & College
Dear Diary, Jackpot.

Best of The Man
Mr. Clinton, why does the official jam taster at The Clinton Foundation have to not wear panties?

Best of Rodney Dill
I think you're way beyond Marmalade there Paddington.

Best of curly
Jelly pirate hookers.

Best of Double the U
"Nappy Headed Ho" - Bad
"Chocolate Covered Ho" - Good.

Best of Cybrludite
"Say, why does this chocolate have corn kernels in it?"


Hat Tip: Right Wing News

The Breck Girl... Now With Afro Sheen

1. "Come on, Al. A little Breck will take the nap right out of that 'do."

2. "Hey, buddy. Spare $400 for a haircut?"

3. "Take me now, right here on the podium, take me roughly, you full-lipped Mandinka!"

4. "Hey, can you do some of that voodoo shango stuff you people do to cure my wife's cancer?"

5. "I'm channeling MLK, he says you're no better than a nappy head... uh, never mind."

6. "Yeah! I'm down with the struggle. So, what'll it take to get the you people vote? More welfare? Reparations? Midnight basketball? Fortified liquor subsidies? You name it."

7. "I'd love to go in the shrimpin' business with you, Bubba."

8. "Homes, wait 'til you see my dope new Transformer. It'll rock your world."

9. "I always thought you were good looking and articulate."

10. "Your butt plug? I think Chavez still has it."

Best of metalgarth
The gay version of "Middle Aged Political Lust Mamas in Trouble" made far less in DVD sales than the original.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Walk with me, Al. I can get you into Livonia, no problem."

Best of Rodney Dill
Sharpton: "Run, Forrest, Run."

Best of Double the U
Can I be part of the "Justice Brothers" Al? Please, I am a really good lawyer, please let me be part of the Justice Brothers...please?

Best of curly
“To me, waterboarding would mean going from wash-wash-rince to wash-rinse-wash.”

Best of Submariner
Take me now and call me Shehag...

Best of 2spotlefty
"Hey Sharpie baby, could ya spare a good ol' boy some a that Nivea? I'm gettin' a little ashy over here."

Best of 2spothipshot
"Okay, here's the keys to my baby. Now remember, don't buff it out too hard and it's the boysenberry air freshener this time, not you guys watching 'Boys in the Hood' on my DVD player ! You got me son ?"


Hat Tip: Sondra K

That's One Big MFing Afghan!

1. Coming soon to DVD and Blue Ray: James and the Giant Jihadi.

2. "My prom date can beat up your prom date, suckahs!"

3. Bigfoot converts to Islam.

4. While Touring with USO, Geena Davis forgets to take her estrogen.

5. ORA: "Just shut up and give him your Honeycombs."

Best of Jack Reacher
"He followed me home, Sarge. Can I keep him?"

Best of TC
"Where's Billy Crystal and the damn contract for this guy to play for Issaih's Knicks?"

Best of Silhouette
He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.

Best of Jonathan
Now playing for the Lakers: Kareem Abdul-Jihad.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Why you call me Chewie?"

Best of GOP & College
Surgeon General's Warning: Volunteering as an armrest may stunt your growth.

Best of 2spotlefty
"...Yes,the apple will be here,where my fist is and my comrade,'Lefty',will be over there with his RPG...Hey, where'd he go ?"

Best of 2spothipshot
Sandblasted teeth and eyeballs?:Free
A developed love of goatsmilk?: Nada
Waking up with Camelspiders?: $0
Working with a man giant who can cradle you in his arms and rock you to sleep while "Bombs burst in (the) air"? Priceless!

Source:
http://www.stevequayle.com/GG.Images/giantAfghan.jpg

Hat Tip:evariste
http://discardedlies.com 

From Russia With Yuck

1. "But I was shouting 'Putin' not 'Put it in!'"

2. "But I don't want to spend a night with 'Olga, the Loneliest Cossack!'"

3. "Thanks for helping with my Sully impression, guys."

4. "Make a wish."

5. "Into the Bummer Tent with you, Hippie Scum!"

Best of the unfairly deprived of a Hat Tip Rodney Dill
"Careful, it might be loaded."

Best of Jack Reacher
Vladimir Putin's personal guard detail practice their defenestration skills.

"Hey, Boris, let's feed him to the silicone chick with the huge lips."

Some U.S. attorneys, after being fired by the Bush administration, required assistance exiting the premises.

Best of Submariner
Just tell Grandma you missed dinner because you were at the Gulag. She'll understand... or else.

Best of Silhouette
Despite concerns from critics that its use constitutes disproportionate response and will only escalate the cruelty, the US Army is seen here unloading a LawyerBot for deployment. "Unlike predator drones, these suckers have no heart, no control, they will NOT stop," complained Sunshine McGee from Students Against...Whatever, or SA...W.

Best of Dickey Swollenz
In the year 2012, annual trips to the gynecologist will be madatory and enforcement will be strict, thanks to HillaryCare.

Best of Van Helsing
Thanks to his lunch at Taco Bell, a single blast soon sent the soldiers sprawling.

Best of Occasional Reader
According to Russian Interior Ministry tradition, the fingerless black glove is given to the riot cop who has drawn "package pushing" duty for the day.

Best of jeff
"Quiet or soldiers spank!"

Best of Cybrludite
In Soviet Russia, crowd surfs YOU!


Hat Tip: Andrew Rapp

Andrew Sullivan's Favorite Transformer

(Timmeh!)

I Can See Thursday From Here

1. "Oh, yeah, yeah, grab that chain-link fence. Show me some cheek. Yeah, baby."

2. Shia later walked off the set after finding out Andrew Sullivan's Rear Window wasn't the remake he thought it was.

3. "Another night spent eating Cheetos and watching Aerobics classes at Fitness USA. Life is good."

4. "Cool! You can see all the blogs from here. Gross! Van Helsing posted another Hillary pic. Cool pic of Cthulu at Ace, though."

5. "Another week or two of this and we'll move into the next phase of our relationship... stalking."

Best of The Great Satans Sr Intern
When my tax refund comes in I can buy my own HD TV.

Best of Jack Reacher
Billy had one job at the meth house; watch for the fuzz, and he didn't intend to let Uncle Jay down.

Best of snarky one
Ron Weasley found that his Omniculars could see more than just Quidditch, and the slo mo and replay features were just bonuses.
The girls' showers would never be the same. Now if Harry would only give up the invisibility cloak...

Best of The Great Satans Sr Intern
Last time I will ever rent midget porn.

Best of curly
“The Lilliputians have just elected Dennis Kucinich as their leader!”

Best of Cybrludite
Livin' the "Ace Of Spades Lifestyle" After this, I'm going to get hopped up on Value-Rite vodka & murder some bums.

Best of Rodney Dill
On a leer day you can peek forever.

Best of Submariner
Yes, Mistress Pelosi, I think I might have seen a glimmer of integrit... never mind - dirty optics. Sorry.

AssPress Photo/Paramount Pictures/Suzanne Tenner

The Old Man and the C Student

1. "I'd like to welcome my newest policy adviser, from Argentina, Senor Hilter!"

2. "Massachusetts, here we come!"

3. "He says he gave AIDS to Castro and Arafat... and I get to be NEXT!"

4. "I nationalized his dentures 15 minutes ago and he STILL doesn't know they're gone!"

5. "In Cuba, when they run out of nitroglycerine tablets, they give you Tic-Tacs!"

6. "I warned you not to look into Hillary's eyes, little boy. It's like opening the Ark of Covenant."

7. "Welcome to Venezuela, Mrs. Thomas."

8. Maybe Meg Ryan is getting a little long in the tooth for romantic comedies.

9. "Congratulations, it is said that whoever can pull the giant Black Menetrator out of my ass is the rightful Commandante Supremo Maximo of Global Socialism."

10. "So, what was it like banging Anna Nicole?"
Best of metalgarth
A photo from Carl Carlson's photo scrapbook shows Bumblebee Man (out of costume) and Hans Moleman goofing around with the Microphone Homer gave Bart way back in 1991.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Shutup Dad, I was only 5 at the time."

Best of The Man
"I haven't held something this black and hard since my days in the Venezuelan navy"

Best of jeff
So that's where Jimmy Durante went to!

Best of The Great Satans Sr Intern
Yes we have a old age retirement system ,I will contact you when you qualify.

Best of Double the U
Well old man Venezuela's bureaucratic over burdened health care system can't afford to take care of you, you shall be dead within the week. Love live the young slaves of the state!

Best of curly
"It still smells of sulfur: either Dad had a burrito for lunch, or George Bush came by for a visit.”

Best of Submariner
The Courtship of Hugo's Father-Figure...

Best of Submariner
Hugo thanks Jimmah Cahtuh for his endorsement of proper election results in Venezuela.

Best of Rodney Dill
Howard Cosell greets Hugo on his arrival in hell.

Best of Submariner
Seriously, Adolpho - do your "Gavin Newcum" impression and deep throat that mic...

Best of Double the U
Chevez opens up the first S.A.M.B.L.A. to the delight of many old men looking for young South American boys to love.

HT: Occasional Reader
Source: Yahoo News

Need Stuff

Just a note. I'm running really short on material this week. So, anything you can send toward vikingthekitten-atch-comcast-dotch-net would be appreciated. (This means you, Brenda, Timmeh, AM42 and especially you, Dwight.)

Don't me break out Timmeh's naked bicycling pics!

Update: Thanks everybody. I'm good for the week, but by all means, if you see something sick, twisted, or freakishly hot, let me know.

Instapundit Comes Through

1. ORCJTMDE*: "Good job, Shenaynay. You keep him distracted while daddy lifts his wallet."

2. "All right, kid, now get the hell out of Livonia before I take a bite out of your ass."

3. Dieter found McGruff the Crime Dog. "Magnificently Dystopian. It fills me with despair and arousal."

4. "Daddy, I understand you left mama for 'Uncle Roger,' but what's a 'plushy?'"

5. "Good, now let's go into the alley and I'll show you a 'bad touch.'"

6. "No, Shenaynay, that's not 'Snoop Dogg.' Damn, you been drinkin' that stuff under the sink again, girl?"

7. "You should know, my daddy goes for anything in a leather collar. So, watch your butt!"

8. "Damn, dawg, look at that palm. You must do yourself 24/7."

9. "Daddy say he's gotta bone I'd like to bury with you. Interested?"

10. But her pleas for mercy fell on deaf ears as McGruff activated his Goa'uld hand device and fried Shenaynay's brain.

Best of Submariner
"Alright! We're goin' shoppin' at Old Navy™ with Dawn!"

Best of Submariner
So, McGruff - why you wearin' a trenchcoat and always hangin' out around the schools? I'm just askin'...

Best of The Great Satans Sr Intern
Damm Dogg, you be nappy.


Source: Knoxville Blog

* Obligatory Racist Cap Just to Make Dawn's Head Explode

Very Bad Doggies

1. "Finally, on June 24th, 1997, Snuggle the fabric softener Bear, stiffed his dealer for the last time." --- Snuggle, the E! True Hollywood Story.

2. Andrew Sullivan was furious. He had specifically requested Small Curd cottage cheese in his Fantasy Suite at Club K9.

3. "Damn... Cujo was in a mood tonight."

4. "What white Persian cat?"

5. "Rabid? No, that's not our foam and spittle. Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews were just having a discussion about Dick Cheney."

Best of Submariner
Nope. We haven't seen even ONE guy in a sheep suit, let alone three...

Best of metalgarth
Same thing happens at our house when Dog Whisperer is a rerun

Best of Cybrludite
Hello, is this Emerald Dragon Takeout? Good. Can you connect me to your purchasing department, please?

Best of Jack Reacher
"The master's home! Act casual!"

Best of CJ
"Mistakes were made."

Best of prince of leaves
"Whaddya mean, 'Who's gonna clean up this mess?' You're the one with the two free paws and opposable thumbs!"

Best of Frank_IBC
"...and the last thing the crazy human female said before she stormed out the door, was 'Google it!'"



Hat Tip: Franco IBC

Hungarian Fertility Rituals

1. Salt Lake City continues to be plagued by cross-dressing, drive-by baptisms.

2. "I know I gained a couple of pounds over the winter, but, c'mon, Greenpeace?"

3. Hillary's political opponents practice an assassination technique they got from The Wizard of Oz.

4. Attempts to get Paula Poundstone clean and sober enough for her appointment with Child Protective Services failed miserably.

5. This approximates the sensation of being interviewed by Keith Olbermann.

Best of Jack Reacher
In the village of Literal, describing a person as "really hot" could bring unexpected consequences.

Best of prince of leaves
Village elders applying the time-honored (if rarely successful) ritual of "washing out the gay".

Best of Submariner
Omar's Porterhouse Palace division of the Shriner's greeted k.d.lang in a somewhat less than happy manner...

Best of Jonathan
Those idiot Euros don't know the first thing about waterboarding!

Best of Silhouette
"VE SAID NO SCHMOKING!"

Best of Cybrludite
The Hungarians didn't quite grok the concept of Bukkake...

Best of Double the U
Britney Spears tried anything to wash herself clean from the fact she slept with K-Fed.

Best of Steve-O
The fertility effects of the fertility ritual are, of course, offset by the "birth control" effects of the costumes.


Hat Tip: Brenda Walker

Holy Sh-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-t!

1. "Must! Flee! HIV! Positive! Beagle!"

2. 'Ow to speak Korean: Fast Food.

3. "Come back, Laddy. Imus wasn't threatening to have you 'spayed.' He was talking about Barack Obama."

4. After seeing what happened to Rex, Laddy got out of Enumclaw quick, fast, and in a hurry.

5. In this scene from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry's magical levitating dog flees after catching the young wizard naked with a horse.

6. "When I said I wanted a hot bitch who knew how to jump, you were supposed to set me up with one of the Nappy Headed Ho's from Rutgers." With those words, Hillary fires another campaign aide.

7. "Day 113: Have learned to levitate the dog." --- Hillary's Witchcraft Diary.

8. "Run for your lives! PETA's serving recalled Canadian dog food!"

9. After that, the vet learned not to confuse the neutering knife with the pepper-slicing knife.

10. "And now for my next impression, Jesse Owens." --- Finally, a Blazing Saddles reference that doesn't involve people standing back while things are whipped out.

Best of Silhouette
KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!

Best of jeff
Spot discovers new challenge on the agility course: Punji Sticks.

Best of the paperboy
It looks like he's trying to jump over an invisible dog, but can't quite make it.

Best of Submariner
Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Hillary Clinton of New York reacts to seeing an old friend during a campaign stop.

Best of Chrees
(Shamelessly stolen from Gary Larson) "I'm going to the vet to get tutored!"

Best of Double the U
Another user runs from the previous post.

Best of l'américaine
Peter Singer's wedding results in a runaway bride.

Best of Double the U
Oh dear God there is a fuzzy little kitten with a gold-plated assault rifle in the TTLB Ecosystem

Best of prince of leaves
A shot from the competetive runoffs at this year's Westminster Special-Needs Dog Show, where every dog is beautiful and a winner.

Best of Submariner
bacon, Bacon, BACON!

Best of CJ
Soylent Alpo is chihauhuas!

Source: Fred Miranda

I don't wanna sound queer or nothin' but... Ick.

1. What not to do with your Ronco Rhinestone Stud Setter.

2. A Terminator meets a Sperminator.

3. "A crappy studded ho? Close enough."

4. Better living through chemistry, the chemicals being silicon, collagen, roofies, and vi4gr4.

5. The Schwarzeneggar Work-Out Program did wonders for Courtney Love.

Best of Double the U
Gene Simmons and his mother have cosmetic surgery next on "Gene Simmons family values"

Best of Cybrludite
It gets more and more difficult for Michael Jackson to deny the carges of plastic surgery.

Best of Jack Reacher
U.S. attorneys, fired by the Bush administration, work on their networking skills at a meet-and-greet social event.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Damn you, Magic Wishing Fairy, you're 34 years late! I wanted my teddy bear Mr. Floppsy to come alive, not my 'Lissa Lipps' blowup sex doll!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ZOIKS! I wish them both out into the cornfield immediately!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If you hug her, does spooge come out her ears?

Best of the paperboy
"Kirk to Spock. No sign of the creature. Just more silicone nodules. Two of them. Rhinestone studded silicone nodules. Kirk out."

Best of Chrees
"I want my NGTV!" (next generation transvestite)

Best of Submariner
Rumor has it that even Howard Stern had too much self respect to "hit that..."

Best of snarky one
"Yes, after my breasts put his eyes out, I had to be the guide dog."

Best of Submariner
France unveils their new Special Forces Urban Assault Troop.

Best of prince of leaves
After only a week, Jim decided his new fembot was a lemon.



Hat Tip: Timmeh!

The Time Seemed Right

1. "Mr. Imus, drop your pants and let's talk sports."

2. Denny's has now postponed plans to add "Snappy Breaded Potatoes" to its menu.

3. What? I just asked if you were happy you shredded those. What did you think I said?

4. "Yeah, Condi. Tie her up good. I can't wait to see the face she makes when we start shoving these up her poop chute."

5. If you need more tools, me and my chappies are headed to Lowe's.

Best of Jack Reacher
When Peter Piper dreams.

Best of Tommy Flanagan
yeah... I used to work as the uh... assistant to the guy who was the manager for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Best of metalgarth
If she had bigger knockers, I'm sure there'd be a Grindhouse caption in there somewhere...

Best of jeff
"They told me these were habanerHo's."

Best of The Man
Mrs. Clinton, I am pretty sure this not part of the senate page program.

Best of Double the U
All the guys were excited about the picture until they found out her last name was "bobbit."

Patrick Kennedy's Baby Picture

1. "Hey! Who do you have to f**k to get more Jesus Juice around here... Oh, never mind."

2. Later, the two drunken little girls kicked Keith Olbermann's ass.

3. "I gotta keep drinking until you look good, you nappy-headed ho."

4. "Hey, if you saw what Mr. Miyagi was going to Ralph Macchio's ass, you'd need to drink, too."

5. By adding trailer park backdrops and culturally-sensitive props, Wal-Mart doubled its baby portrait business.
Best of jeff
"In toddler taste tests, MGD was spit up 50% less often that Carlsberg..."

Best of Jack Reacher
Children of U.S. attorneys fired by the Bush administration slip into despair.

Best of Rodney Dill
SOTG and Submariner started bonding together long before the invention of the caption contest.

Best of Silhouette
They can barely walk and fall down a lot, they spit up, you can't make out what they're saying, they tend to wet themselves... but enough about Congressional Democrats...

Best of Double the U
Quit crying and keep drinking before she gets back or we'll have to watch Mr. Rogers sober.

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
Ron White and a playmate.

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, well, you'd drink too if you had to face that creepy Russian playground equipment every day at playtime."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: Mortimer and Randolph Duke iron out their future(s).

Best of the paperboy
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.

Best of Double the U
Sad part is the bottles of beer have less alcohol then the mother's breast milk.

Best of Submariner
Woody Allen resorts to new tactics for finding his newest wife.

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary's village was okay, but Teddy's kicks ass!

Best of attmay
"Jim Henson's The Days of Wine and Roses Babies" never made it past the pilot stage.

Hat Tip: Timmeh!

The Glory of Love

1. "All right, after that bad touch, I no longer feel safe with you. I'm going to George Takei's house."

2. "You're reaming my ass while thinking of Peter Cetera again, aren't you?"

3. The SWAT Team didn't count on Mr. Miyagi using his young ward as a human shield.

4. "I wish I knew how to jujitsu."

5. ORA: "Yes, it's true. I'm your real father, and your real mother is ... Joanie Cunningham."

6. "Whoa, check out those nappy headed hos."
Best of jeff
"Daniel-san, it was good of you to kick Peter in the nuts to assist him in hitting those high notes."

Best of Rodney Dill
Grasshopper, quickly as you can, snatch the pebbles from my pants.

Best of Jack Reacher
"And then, when the Zionist clerk takes your pizza order, you scream something about Allah, and push the button!"

Best of prince of leaves
Dual thought bubble: "[sigh] That Peter Cetera has some hot moobs..."



Hat Tip: Divine Miss M.
Source: Ew

Another K is P Triumph!

Best of Rodney Dill
Asstronomy Convention: Keynote speech - Know Uranus

Best of Anonymous
Wrecked 'em hell...nearly killed them all.

Best of metalgarth
The KOS masses visit the place where most global warming statistics are pulled from

Best of sonicfrog
Opinions are like assholes....

Best of the paperboy
Programmers are quick to recognize GIGO. What goes in Sullivan's ass comes out of Markos mouth.

Best of Rodney Dill
Though not nearly as well known as the Oracle at Delphi, a large gathering could usually be found by the Orifice at Delphi

Best of Rodney Dill
The grand opening of the Jessica Cutler Museum of Political Science.

Best of Rodney Dill
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. -- Winston Churchill

Best of sonicfrog
At first I thought it was the new Madonna video...


Umph!

COPS in Toyland

1. And yet, the Brady Campaign still wasn't satisfied.

2. And yet, the ACLU still wasn't satisfied. "Criminals might feel intimidated. Make the guns pink... and make them teddy bears."

3. Moments later, a cheap plastic replica of Elian Gonzales was hustled back to the Cuban gulag.

4. To heighten the realism of the exercise, the New Jersey schools chose to cast "extremist members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir" as the terrorists.

5. Well, it's not the first time the phrase "Hey, those aren't real" was applied to items clearly made out of plastic.

6. "Well, this oughtta make Elizabeth Edwards piss her pants."

7. Somehow, fake plastic guns seemed appropriate for the raid on Anna Nicole's estate.

8. "And another thing I hate about gay p0rn0, the props are always so fake looking." - Excerpt from Ted Haggard's renunciation.

9. "Hey! These are just toy guns. No wonder we never arrest gangbangers."

10. Are the props as fake as the acting? You must be on Lifetime.

Best of Jack Reacher
"We're looking for a big bowl of Kool-Aid, 'bout this high, keeps smashing through walls. You seen him?"

Livonia P.D. shows off the only weapons the Justice Department will let them carry.

Best of Chrees
Tryouts for the live-action version of Toy Story.

Best of metalgarth
Wait a second. Are you 100% sure that the only way to kill a werewolf is with a plastic bullet?

Best of nuts for tuna
"Damn....is my gun 'raw umber' or 'burnt siena'?"


Tip: I don't remember where I saw this.

No Caption, Just This

Just one of those times when I know you guys are going to come up with better stuff than me. Plus, I got a heavy workload this morning.

By the way, have you ever read the original AssPress caption for the Infamous Hillary Nosferatu Pic?

Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Hillary Clinton of New York reacts to seeing and old friend during a campaign stop.

That's the face she makes when she sees an old friend?

Source: SondraK

Best of Double the U
I am not offended, I am just glad they figured out a way to shut her up.

Best of metalgarth
Next up at Grindhouse: "Middle Aged Political Lust Mamas in Trouble"

Best of Dickey Swollenz
The verification word says it all: "lovaz!"
I swear I am not making that up.

Best of Van Helsing
Straight out of Dick Morris' subconscious.

Best of jeff
"Oh yes, Papa - spank me! Spank me!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Kunta Kinte!"
"Toby!"
"Kunta Kinte!"
"Toby!"
"Kunta Kinte!"
"Toby!"
...

Best of prince of leaves
If you think this is shocking, you should see the pic with Fred Thompson and Barak Obama.

Best of Rodney Dill
"grrpvhffpf is not the safe word Biatch"

Best of Cybrludite
That's the face she makes when she sees an old friend? Well, when she thought the "old friend" had been snuffed and then buried under a rural landfill...

Spring Break!

1. How to Raise Children put Earl in the NYT Times Best Seller List for ten weeks. How to Rear Children put Earl in the state pen for twenty years.

2. "And now, sweetie, Daddy will show you the form that won him first prize in the All-Toledo Dwarf Toss of 1987."

3. Linda Hunt was embarrassed when the beach movie she made in the 60's showed up on MST3K.

4. "Remember to tuck and roll if you get spiked back over the net, OK sweetheart?"

5. "I just love these NAMGLA beach parties!"

6. "Oh, Daddy, I never dreamed I'd be here when C'thulu and the Dark Old Ones returned! "

7. "You're right, daddy, getting rid of them this way is much more fun. Let's never get the dog spayed!"

8. "Hold me up higher! I gotta see if Fonzie makes it over the shark!"

9. "Sow, you bet that bloke 20 quid you could 'eave me over the bloody channel, awright?"

10. "Oh, daddy, I wish I could spend every weekend on Fire Island with you and your friends!"

Best of divine miss m
Stand still or papa spank!

Best of jeff
"Um, Daddy, your bicep isn't the only thing bulging..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Why do the other daddies have chest hair, and wives?"

Best of Double the U
That guy over there pulled out a fully grown one, guess I have to toss this one back.

Best of CJ
"Look, Daddy, it's Keith Olberman. Watch me kick his pansy ass."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Spider gone yet daddy?"

Givin' Her Some Juice

1. "Oh, crap, we left Karl Rove's kid in the back seat for nine hours on a hot day. Well, on the bright side, at least we don't have to worry that he'll ever do menial labor like a Mexican."

2. "No, Mr. President. That's a LAN cable. You've never worked a self-service pump in your life, have you, y'croquet-playing mint-muncher?"

3. Gallant corrects the president when he attempts to fuel the car with the wrong cable, while Goofus pisses on the back tires.

4. "Where's the airbag? I think he's up at Hyannis Port getting sh*tfaced."

5. "Mr. President, please tell me you didn't really think that plugging your xBox into this car would let you slip into a virtual-reality Grand Theft Auto game... a la Tron?"


"Mr. President, the Veep's looking at your ass again."


"No, Mr. President, this is not a 'nucular' car. It's a hybrid."


"Get it? It's a breathylizer hooked up to Teddy's car! Heh-heh-heh! Geez, Dick, you used to have a sense of humor."


The other end of the cable is attached to a stationary bicycle, pedaled maniacally by Sped Begley, powering the car in an eco-friendly manner. Unfortunately the car can't go any farther than the cable.


Confound it, just how do you siphon the juice outta this here kinda car.


"But where do ya put the f'in corn?"


Ok Mr. President, you just plug it in, you don't have to keep making the "Vrooom, Vrooom" sounds.



Hat tip: Headmistress Sondra

Happy Easter, Sick Twisted Freaks

1. "Sorry, Roseanne, I'm just not that into you."

2. "Billy, the nice people from Social Services would like to know why you drew nipples on all your Easter eggs."

3. "I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine."

4. "Mommy, what color should C'thulu's tentacles be?"

5. "40 lbs of Semtex and roofing nails in the stroller? I guess we'll show those Zionist bastards, huh, mommy? Allahu Akbar!"

Best of prince of leaves
Spotting a grey hair in the mirror that morning, Lynette knew it was time for another youth-restorative blood-feeding at the nearby playground.

Best of Submariner
Unlike her sister, Sally Anne LeTourneau went for the "biker, bad-boy" type...

Best of Double the U
Todd and Tina Redsmith lead a relatively normal life despite being conjoined twins.

Best of divine miss m
Ahh, leetle boy, please for me to dreenk vodka from your skull...

Best of Rodney Dill
"I made mommy's butt look fat."

Best of Zeke
The Daywalker knew she had to feed if she was to survive another day in the harsh Minnesotan sun.

Computing Division

1. "Miss Betsy, we're going to have to let you go if you don't stop typing 'All work and no play make Phineas a dull boy' over and over again."

2. 'presidnet taft is a joe-fired neo-whig lickspittle sodomite ' What lefties did before the internet.

3. "Hello, tech support? Yeah, one of the computers is locked up, what do I do? Slap the bitch? Got it!"

4. "Mr. Rove says this work is unsuitable for white women. Next week, we're replacing them all with undocumented Mexicans."

5. Inside SOTG's secret caption sweatshop.

Best of prince of leaves
The clever "retro" marketing campaign for Windows Vista backfired when nobody noticed the intended irony.

Best of the paperboy
Blogger.com had to hire another room full of word verification originators specifically to handle the Caption This! Thursday edition.

Best of Submariner
Why yes, Ms. Gifford; I suppose we COULD get them to triple their output...

Best of metalgarth
Al Gore hires a bunch of "undocumented worker-mathematicians" to calculate his total "carbon footprint" in a "carbon neutral" way.

Best of Jack Reacher
While there were some adjustments to be made, all in all, Dell's board believed moving Technical Support to 19th Century China was a positive step.

Best of Silhouette
The 'division' room was nice, but everyone prayed for a promotion to "multiplication."

Best of bubbalove
Ebenezer and Mary Gates look at the room around them and vow "someday...someday.

Source: Shorpy the 100 Year Old Photo Blog

San Fransyncho Style

1."Marco!" "Homo!"

2. "Guys, I can't get the image out of Gavin Newsom slobbering over that microphone out of my head. I'll be in the sauna if anyone, er, wants me."

3. "Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath! Goat of the woods with a thousand young!"

4. "Good! Now, imagine you're pushing the gay down, pushing the gay down."

5. To save water, the US Senate pool is now filled by the daily emptying of Bob Casey's drool bucket.

Best of jeff
On the wall: San Francisco's guide to molesting multicultural whales.

Best of Submariner
Nothin' to be seein' here, folks, just some carpetbaggers preparin' to move into St. Bernard Parrish. Please to be movin' along, folks... What, Dawn, too soon?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It's mean to tell blind people they're in the water when they're not.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Honey?, we got pool-mimes again..."

Best of Jack Reacher
While the boys were waiting for their towels, the counter top just up and disappeared.

Best of Double the U
Be one with the microphone... be one with the microphone.

Best of the paperboy
Sullivan, Frank, and the Boyfriend could be hypnotized to sit up, beg, roll over, but not to do it doggy style with Jennifer, no matter how she presented for them.

Source: SF Gate
Hat Tip: Brenda Walker

And I-ran, I-ran So Far Away...

1. "Sssh, Quiet Everyone. The Dhimmi Grandma Pelosi is about to read a traditional folk-tale of her homeland. It's called, Heather Has Two Mommies.

2. "So, Mahmoud, you didn't regift those 15 suits I gave you for Ramadan, did you?"

3. Everything in the Ruling Council comes to a halt when 'The View' comes on.

4. "Why does he get a chair? Because the maid service was charging 500,000 Rials to clean his skidmarks off the rug, that's why!"

5. "Oh, boy, I can hardly wait for my turn to violate the British ambassador's anus in the most perverse and horrific ways imaginable."

Best of divine miss m
The front row never gets out of hand at a Cat Stevens concert.

Best of jeff
(Guy in white turban) "Oh Allah, did you have to make my laxative kick in now?"

Best of metalgarth
The judges for Iran's newest Reality TV show sensation: "Beheaded Infidel Idol"

Best of prince of leaves
"Three mullahs walk into a bar...stop me if you've heard this one before..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm getting a new bumper sticker. It says 'Ask me about my hostages.'"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Can you believe the guy on my left is wearing a white turban before Memorial Day? Call the fashion police!

Best of Submariner
psst - "I'm wearing 'Hello Kitty' panties under my suit as a birthday surprise for the Ayatollah!"

Hat Tip: The Corner

The Honorable Mayor of SFO Understands His Base

1. "You call that a gag reflex," sniffed Sullington. "I once deep-throated an entire submarine. Not the crew, the actual submarine."

2. "We hypnotized him to think the microphone is Barack Obama's left nut. Next, he clucks like a chicken."

3. When the robot invaders from planet 2 attacked San Francisco, the mayor appeased them in the time-honored, Castro Street tradition.

4. Off-screen, right, and lower, the crew from channel 4 was making the mayor 'airtight.'

5. As part of the 'Safe Sex Drive,' Gavin Newsom shows how to put on a condom.

Best of The Man
Mr. Newsom, Barney Frank is on the line, he really...really wants to talk to you.

Best of Double the U
With Nancy Pelosi in the Middle East Mayor Gavin takes over the duties of sucking off the media.

Best of Submariner
Gavin lost further credibility with his constituency when he gagged on only 1 microphone...

Best of Submariner
I'm in training - once I can handle all 4 major networks at once, I'm heading for Avalon Manor...

Best of prince of leaves
Bearded Guy: "Why couldn't it have been me, Gavin? Why? Why???"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Mr.Mayor, how to you plan to appease the Islamofascists when they take control?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "Let me explain to you the kind of man Gavin is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's c*ck in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that c*ck right in his mouth."



Hat Tip: Frank IBC

The Eevil Anti-Babe

1. This week, MTV Cribs visits Andrew Sullivan's basement.

2. Mark Foley, still enjoying rehab.

3. Al Gore follows up his triumph in An Inconvenient Truth with his remake of Glen or Glenda, starring Sandy Berger as the underwear-stuffing transvestite.

4. Domino's denies charges that it uses steroid enhanced pepperoni in its pizzas.

5. "Mr Edwards, can I take off the Ann Coulter wig and the handcuffs now?"

Best of jeff
Fraternity hazing couldn't even approach the requirements for making partner at a major law firm.

Best of metalgarth
It's much easier to get a job at Pizza Hut than Domino's...

Best of The Man
"But officer, I am late for a vote"

Best of The Man
Jack Bauer misread Curtis and their relationship took an awkward turn.

Best of Jay Guevara
Nancy Pelosi's re-election campaign hit a snag when she was challenged by a candidate to her right.

Best of Frank IBC
Mr. Cole's attorney moved to dismiss the case, on the basis that being told "Quiet or Papa Spank" is not the legal equivalent of "you have the right to remain silent".

Best of Silhouette
Life lesson #1324: Beware of your new prescription if, under "side effects", it just shows this picture.

Best of Adjustah
Hey! What happened to my regular pizza delivery girl?

Best of Submariner
WORST.Spice.Girl.EVER

Best of Submariner
How big mama nature says "Stay Away" part 367.

Best of Submariner
Whoa - Johnny Weir really lets himself go during the summer...



Hat Tip: Franco IBC