Saturday, March 31, 2007

Wrenching Decisions


1. "Yes, you can tell Mrs. Clinton the Orgasmarator will be ready in time for the Emily's List fundraiser."

2. Nobody believed John Lithgow this time either.

3. "Nothing to see here, just tuning up Al Gore's ceiling fan."

4. "So, Elizabeth Edwards thinks she's cornered the market on voter sympathy, huh? Well, wait till the voters get a load of 'the Widow Clinton.'"

5. Unfortunately, Sheila got a D on her project anyway because "Girls just don't belong in Metal Shop."

Best of Rodney Dill
Just another smelly pilot hooker, move along

Best of mo fo
While touring the Middle East, Nancy Pelosi had one of her aides personally work on Iran’s Bushehr nucular power plant in order to show off her new appeasement strategy.

Best of Submariner
Jill Taylor decided to just buy a new one after Tim repaired her "personal massager" by hooking it up to a Binford T6000 Hemi motor.

Best of Double the U
Betty Crocker puts the final touches on the Mix Master 7000.

Best of racerboy
If I'm not mistaken, that's a Wench with a Wrench on a Wright...

Best of the paperboy
To combat global warming we will be mounting a battery of diesel powered 45,000 hp cooling fans for each square mile of industrialized population.

Best of nuts for tuna
'Rosie the Riveter' inevitably yielded 'Terry the Turboprop Mechanic'.

Best of prince of leaves
Rosie O'Donnell prepares "a simple experiment" to demonstrate that fire cannot melt steel.

Best of Rodney Dill
This was a spin cycle she was sure to remember.

Best of sonicfrog
"GE... building prop engines so simple, even your mom can fix it!!!"

Best of Kevin Walker
"Someone tell Mr Sullivan that his Uber Penetrator 300K is about fixed and that he can take the gerbil out now."

Best of Adjustah
Amanda was thrilled with her new cl!t piercing...

Source: Shorpy the 100 year old photo blog
Hat Tip: Evariste

Friday, March 30, 2007

Nunnery Gunnery


1. The Catholic Church was never the same after Dick Cheney was named Pope.

2. The first ad in the NRA's campaign to broaden its appeal went over well. The second one, featuring Islamic fundamentalists, not so much.

3. "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting Pwotestants."

4. "So, Sean Hannity supports birth control. We'll see about that!"

5. To appease CAIR and show balance, the seventh season of 24 will feature a different kind of terrorists.

Best of Targetpractice
A sampling of the virgins Allah has waiting for those "brave" jihadis.

Best of metalgarth
Discipline at "Our Lady of Peace Junior High School" followed a tight Zero Tolerance rule.

Best of divine miss m
A preview from the long-awaited screen adaptation of Steve Martin's Renegade Nuns on Wheels.

Best of Double the U
Hillary has got a surprise if she thinks she can only stop here in an election year, steal the collection plate and slap Sister Mary Catherine on the buttocks again.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Tell Mr. Ted Turner his ten o'clock is here."

Best of Cybrludite
"We have an effective manner of dealing with children who pass notes during Catechism studies. PULL!"

Best of Double the U
Hey Mr. Kerry, we can give your one of them thar hun'tin licenses.

Best of mo fo
Tonight on PBS: the Flying Nuns vs. the Flying Imams.

Best of sonicfrog
♫ Happiness
is a warm Nun's gun... ♫

From: The Corner

Too Easy


1. "Is Your Ass Bigger Than Hillary's?", coming to Fox!

2. Hilldog was grateful Ballsack's endorsement would help her against Barack Obama, she just wished he'd stop referring to it as "helping with her B.O. problem."

3. Moments later, the snuke detonated and brought the press conference, and the Hilldog campaign, to a merciful close.

4. "Thanks to Hilldog's generous payment, I'll be able to transform myself into the woman of my dreams, with tits out to here."

5. As Ballsack yammered on and on about his enlarged prostate, Hilldog wondered what kind of fake hick accent she'd have to use to grease the rubes in this backwater sh*thole state.

6. While Ballsack describes her vast tracts of open land, Hilldog fondly recalls the night she spent naked in a tree with his daughter.

7. "... also, as part of the deal, I have agreed to have a mechanical clamp installed on my testicles, so that if I deviate from strict obedience, Hilldog can... YOW!..."

8. Longtime aides recognize Hilldog's "up-all-night-pounding-vodka-shots-with-Janet-Reno-and-Rosie-O'Donnell" hangover face from a mile away.

9. "Not only did Hilldog pay off my campaign debt, she also helped me save a bundle on car insurance by switching to GEICO."

Best of Submariner
Uuuuuuhhhhhh, Kobe? The Empress herself has given me permission to inform you that she is 'open' and you are to throw the ball to me so I may hand it to her with the intent to 'score' so that she can show that she's down with the sports scene, too...

Best of mo fo
“Sure, Ballsack is an akward name, but subconsciously it does suggest manliness.”

Best of Submariner
Endorse her? Of course!
(there's a gun in my back and she keeps whisperin' "Vince Foster, Vince Foster, Vince...")

Best of Submariner
That's it... pucker up and kiss my big ol' butt, Ballsack...

Best of Jay Guevara
Hillary thought bubble: "Made you my bitch, yes I did."

Best of curly
"I asked her if she need a Ballsack on her team, but she said she already had two of 'em hangin'."


Hat Tip: Van H

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Title IX Run Amuck


1. As this photo from training camp suggests, the Detroit Lions are unlikely to see a Superbowl any time soon.

2. "Well, Fiddle-dee-dee, with God as my witness, I will never punt on a third down again."

3. In the first Title IX Hillarybowl,, the Flannels triumphed over the Lipsticks, 24-3.

4. Members of Hef's Harem are expected to indulge in a wide variety of entertainments for his pleasure.

5. The Rugby Petticoat: More or less ridiculous than the burqini? You decide.

Best of Submariner
Y'know... everything was going good until SOTG's prom date tackled Paperboy's prom date. After that? All bets were off.

Best of Submariner
Johnny Weir was apalled; "Crinoline in a rugby scrum? EVERYone knows it should be taffetta!"

Best of Cybrludite
Well, at least it ain't soccer...

Best of Double the U
The ladies guild will now reenact the battle of the bulge.

Best of The Man
Hillary tossed out her diaphragm and the battle between her interns over it was epic. Like 300 epic but more gay.

Best of lawhawk
This is just the warmup for Filene's annual wedding dress sale.

Source: SI
Hat tip: Divine the Miss M

Willow the Wisp


1. Debra Lafave's replacement was only slightly less inhibited.

2. "I've heard you Special Ed kids are hung like mules. Is that true?"

3. "Nope, the new tattoo isn't on my right shoulder. Next guess?"

4. We've replaced the coffee in the teacher's lounge with crystal meth. Let's see if they notice.

5. "And I'd like to thank Senator and Mr Clinton for addressing our class today."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"SOTG, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to get detention on purpose!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Tell me more about what went on at Band Camp...

Best of Chrees
An apple for a cherry. Seems like a good swap to me.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I can't imagine where this thought came from, but I wonder what plaid tastes like...

Best of Occasional Reader
An interesting, if somewhat mistaken, take on the concept of "magnet schools".

Best of the paperboy
"Okay, who put the phallic cactus on my chair?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Thanks for the apple, Timmy. Wanna see what you'll get if you give me a banana?"

Best of divine miss m
Make sure Sr. Mary Immaculata and her posse and don't find out about today's lesson, or they'll make you learn hygiene from the textbook!

Best of Cybrludite
I'd post a funny caption, but all of my high brain functions have shut down on me...

Hat tip: Sondra K

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Interior Linemen


1. "Darnell... either these curtains go, or I do!"

2. "I've got the glove, do you got the love?"

3. "I don't care what you say, I *like* the new 49ers locker room."

4. "It sure was nice of Anna Nicole's estate to provide such a fancy waiting room for potential fathers during the DNA tests. How long 'til the rest of the team gets here?"

5. "What do you mean 'Tim Hardaway should mind his own damn business?'"

Best of metalgarth
I don't care what they said on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, your locker room sucks!

Best of jeff

"What did you just say about Martha Stewart?"

Best of Occasional Reader
"Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me."

"Shut up, Darnell."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"F-ck you, man... Dick York was definitely the better Darrin Stevens!"

Best of mo fo
“Tyrone, I have one just question about the décor: where the hell is the fried chicken?”

Best of Jonathan
"Tyrone, you ever get that...you know...'not so fresh feeling'?"

Best of Jonathan
"Get it? 'TP for my BENGAL'? Man, you got NO sense of humor!"

Best of Tomslick
This wave-particle duality is the basis of the quantum theory of light, and has some profound physical and philosophical implications which are still being debated today.

Dat right Moby.

Best of prince of leaves
"Okay, so when's this Laura Palmer and her midget friend gonna show up?"

Best of Submariner
Meanwhile, back in Avalon Manor's public waiting room...

Best of the paperboy
"You ain't the least bit curious what's behind curtain number one?"
"Nope."

Best of Rodney Dill
Wha'd Coulter just call us?

Source: SI
Hat tip: Divine the Miss M

Fluffy White Clouds


1. Enumclaw Trannies.

2. "Where were you guys when I needed a visual aid for the Sullivan hot tub joke?"

3. "We still need one more guy to clean the make-up off Liza Minelli."

4. "White shoes before Memorial Day? You embarrass me, Todd."

5. "And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other two 'raptors you didn't even know were there. Because Cottonballaraptor's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this... a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the the middle toe. He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say... no no. He slashes at you here... or here... or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you."

Best of jeff
"We're Greenpeace's emergency oil spill mitigation team."

Best of The Man
Rosie O'donnell's tampon interns.

Best of Tomslick
Parisians knew the rioting escalated upon seeing the arrival of the French Special Forces.

Best of Occasional Reader
"Man, can you believe how STUPID that guys looks, in that wife-beater shirt and fishing hat?!"

Best of GOP & College
Check it out, the one on the left is The Man!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Scientists recently claimed to have created a sheep that is 15% human... But enough about Kieth Olbermann...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA:
William Keeler, Goneril Lear, and Philip John Miller Redfire experience the unpredictable consequences of modifying a Q-wave generator in a magnetically unstable solar system.

Best of Submariner
David Watts entices a replacement crew following his big bust.

Best of Steve O
Twenty-two years after Al Gore visits a sheep farm in upstate NY...

Best of Submariner
We're 'Scrubbing Bubbles' Whoo Hoo!

Best of Submariner
Andrew, Barney and Johnny couldn't understand what the fuss was over engaging the Infinite Improbability Drive; "None of us look or feel any different..."

Best of prince of leaves
Send in the clouds.

Best of prince of leaves
The guy in the background just knocked the stuffing out of these three.

Best of Submariner
Uh, guys? Here comes Mr. Whipple; RUN!

Hat Tip: Sondra K

Naked Hippies in a Tree

1. "Caption this and we'll fling poo at you!"

2. "You know how I can tell you're gay? 'Cos you're naked and you're humping a tree."

3. The Patriot Guard had 'em treed, and two of 'em brought chainsaws to finish the job.

4. Seconds after this photo was taken, Free Waterfall fell butt-crack first on a penis-shaped cactus.

5. "No, not yet, I only said they smelled ripe."

Best of racerboy
Mabel!!! Get me the sprayer!! Looks like that dayum hippie infestation is back!

Best of the paperboy
I's gots four of 'em treed raght chere! Brang up th' shotgun Cletus, we's havin' moonbat tonaght.

Best of Submariner
ORA: I can't help it. I look at this pic and all I can think about is Hoggle spraying the pixies...

Best of sonicfrog
Hey, why do you think they're called "fruits" anyway!

Best of Submariner
Consultants be damned - I ain't goin after no "low hangin' fruuit!"

Best of mo fo
Ahhh, springtime in Berkeley: birds chirping, children playing, and nuts in the trees.

Best of Anonymous
Can a tree get AIDS?

Best of Tomslick
Oh Billy, assholes don't grow on trees.
But Dad, But Dad.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I think that I shall never see,
A billboard lovely as a...
Oh... nevermind.


Hat tip: Sondra K

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

This Pic Deserves to be Painted on Black Velvet

1. "So, I take off my clothes and stomp on the frog while Mr. Frank jerks his meat... and I get a Snickers bar?"

2. Jamal didn't want to bite the frog's head off, but he didn't want the rest of the crips to think he was a pussy either.

3. Desperate for cash, Gary Coleman makes a foray into bestiality-pr0n in Whazzhou Talkin' 'Bout Puttin' in my Ass, Willis?."

4. "No, it was a totally different kind of frog that beat me up and stole my tricycle."

5. "Now, Jamal, what do you think happens when Mr. Croaks meets Mr M-80?"

Best of metalgarth
No I don't know how to play "Frog Baseball". MTV took Beavis and Butthead off the air before I was even born, you dumbass cracker.

Best of Jason
Nice. Make fun of a Somali kid finally getting some food. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Best of Silhouette
"Hello my baby, Hello my darling, Hello my good time gal."

Best of Jack Reacher
Tyrone was warned that if he ever set foot in Livonia again, his beloved frog would perish most horribly.

Best of Submariner
...You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, frog-kabobs, frog creole, frog gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried...

Best of sonicfrog
It tastes like fried chicken... Eat it!!!

Best of Anonymous
No cap - just had the v-word "mofkr" and had to use it.

Best of mo fo
A moonbat’s version of Bush’s No Child Left Behind school lunch program.

Source: SI
Hat tip: Divine the Miss M

Monday, March 26, 2007

Umm...Ow?


Andrew Sullivan, Jim McGreevey, and Barney Frank are in a hot tub together. All of the sudden, a huge mass of male semen the size of a jellyfish bobs up to the surface.

"All right," says Sullivan. "Who farted?"


Hat tip: Racer Boy

Beat on the Brat


1. "Get back in the kitchen and make me some pie! Respect mah authoritah!"

2. "Mom, if I'm real good for the rest of the week, can I have my neck back?"

3. "I bet my left nut that Josh is really Jack Bauer's kid."

4. "Traci Lords was only 15 when this was made? Damn, she took that donkey punch like a pro."

5. "Do you think Grissom ever did it with a corpse?"

6. "So, I bit it clean off, and Barney Frank goes screaming out of the boy's bathroom. It was a riot."

7. "Do I want a spanking? Put on a leather catsuit and we'll talk."

8. "I'm just saying, if it weren't for the f**king Jews, we'd have more Lebensraum."

9. "Yeah, I'd sure like to break off a piece of Eva Longoria."

10. "Hey, mom, did anyone ever tell you you look rather mannish."

Best of prince of leaves
Sherry was ambivalent about son Timmy's crowning as the youngest World Belching Champion on record.

Best of Jack Reacher
Elementary school teacher Phyllis Longstreet and her boyfriend Timmy enjoy a quiet moment at her home.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I wuz taller 'til Maw sat on my head."

Best of Submariner
Da-amn that Reynaldo makes me hot. Mom? Not so much...

Best of Frank IBC
Quiet or Papa Spank!

Best of Jason
Well at least we don't have to worry about an Oedipus complex from this kid.

Best of the paperboy
"Mom, who's my dad?"
"Shutup, Tim."
"Dad, who's my mom?"
"Shutup, shutup, shutup!"



The Sun didn't want me to caption this. Bastards.

Hat tip: Stormee at Discardeded Lieses (Cap #1 from jefe at DiscLies, because it was funny as Hell)

Baron Gorekonnen Arrives at Arruckus

1. Excessive marijuana consumption can impede your motor skills.

2. "Senator Boxer, are you familiar with the phrase, 'Say it, don't spray it?'"

3. "You know, I actually invented the phrase 'Say it, Don't spray it.'"

4. ♫"Oh when the shark bites... with its teeth, dear... and he keeps them... pearly white..." ♫

5. "And when I found out Michael Moore had finished off the entire all-you-can-eat buffet before I even got there, I decided to get even by beating him at his own game ... I'd make a crappy inaccurate documentary!"

6. "And I'm totally cereal about fighting Manbearpig ... Mmmmmm, cereal..."

7. "I can see them plain as day, Mrs. Clinton. Three sixes... right here on your forehead."

8. "No, Mr. Sullivan, I will not introduce you to Manbearpig."

9. "Here's how my 'Adultery Offset' scheme works. Every time you cheat on your wife, you pay me $50, and I slip a nun $20. I see Senator Kennedy like this idea."

10. "I'm sorry, Senator Mikulski, we haven't figured out a trading scheme for 'Ugly Offsets.'"

Best of Submariner
Uh, Al? That should be an "L" on your forehead...

Best of metalgarth
"Shazbot, Nanu-nanu!" was how Al Gore liked to close out his weekly reports to Orson back on planet Ork.

Best of Frank IBC
"You know, I actually invented the Vulcan 'Live Long And Prosper' hand gesture."

Best of mo fo
“Peek-a-boo…I see global warming.”

Best of Shayne
"So I put my hand on the forehead of earth and I realized that it had a fever!"

Best of Occasional Reader
"And here's my hand shadow puppet impression of what ManBearPig probably looks like... GAIADAMMIT who turned off the overhead projector?!"

Best of Submariner
Yes, yes, Michigan's Upper Peninsula looks like this. It will soon be immersed as the ice in Canada melts and fills the great lakes due to man's CO2 levels...

Best of Jonathan
"I object, Mr. Gore, you are NOT a 'little teapot'!"

Best of Brian_in_MA
"MEIN FUHRER DAS UBERMENCH!"

Best of racerboy
A misguided Al Gore attempts to "throw one out" to his "Vulcan homies."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I can swim with it, play sports with it, anything I can do with my own hair. Hey, I was almost the next president of the Hair Club For Men."

Best of the paperboy
I forgot to carry the one? Well that just invalidates the whole argument. Now we'll be overrun by polar bears! We have to organize a bear patrol.

Best of divine miss m
Everyone was so proud when Al finally mastered "rub your tummy; pat your head."

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Stray Cat Strut

1. Ted Nugent... no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!

2. "Your only chance of success in Hollywood is if Richard Gere jams you in his arse," sneered Simon Cowell.

3. ♫ "Love to eat them mousies/Mousies what I love to eat/Bite they little heads off/Nibble on they tiny feet." ♫

4. "... and then I said, 'I can't help it, I have a barbed penis!' Thank you, you've been great!"

5. ORA ♫ "I'm being followed by a moon shadow..."♫

6. ♫"And me in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon..." ♫

7. "You've been a great audience. By the way, try the Kung Pao chicken... it used to be my dad."

8*. ♫ "Basketball Jones... I got a basketball Jones..." ♫

Best of Submariner
So, anyways, a Persian, a Siamese and a Tabby walk into a bar...

Best of Double the U
Attention, I need a price check on some kitty litter.

Best of prince of leaves
Ginger's stint as halftime entertainment was cut short when three of her nipples suddenly and unexpectedly emerged from the fur on her belly.

Best of Frank IBC
"Not only are we going to New Hampshire, Tom Harkin, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York … And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and then we're going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House! MMMMRROOOWWWRR!!!"

Best of Submariner
♪Felines...
Nothing more than felines...
Trying to forget the
Hot, noisy, kitty sex...♪

Best of Jack Reacher
"G-31. Did someone say Bingo?"

Best of Cricket
"Mem'ry, all alone in the moonlight..." I can sing that better than that Streisand hund any day.

Best of Submariner
So, I just got back from a wi-i-i-i-i-ild weekend in San Fransisco! The catnip must be a bit stronger than I'm used to - I don't remember what I did, but I've smelled like orangutan ever since I woke up...

Hat tip: Subby
* Thanks, Sondra K

Cradle Robbers from Saturn!


1. "But I don't want to ride on a roller coaster."

2. "Your lycra shorts frighten me... I can see everything!"

3. "But I don't wanna win in Iraq!"

4. "You replaced it with Folger's crystals? But I wanted real coffee!"

5. "No means no, John Mark Karr!"

Bestest of the paperboy
"MOOOMMEEEEE!!! He keeps asking if I'm old enough to bleed!"

Best of metalgarth
"NO!!!!! I don't want to be on Caption This! Get away from me with that camera"

Best of prince of leaves
This week on Sports Moms and Dads: Jake pushes 3-year-old Samantha to the breaking point at the Tour de France time trials.

Best of prince of leaves
"Keep it straight: Daddy wants a 40-oz Colt and a carton of Winstons. And you'd better bring home the change this time, instead of a bike-basket full of candy!"

Best of Double the U
YOU LITTLE MAGGOT!!! YOU CALL THAT RIDING A BIKE? LOOK AT YOU AN YOUR LITTLE HELMET AND CUTE PURPLE BASKET!

Best of Rodney Dill
Little Girl: "Friggin' Idiot!"

Best of sonicfrog
STOP.... FOLLOWING.... ME!!!!!!

Best of Double the U
Dear God Leroy... what did those officers do to you?

Best of Submariner
Mr. Allen's bodyguard says "good night" to the date on Woody's behalf.

Best of Frank IBC
"Mommy and I are getting a divorce because you've been BAD!"

Best of Frank IBC
ORA: "Quiet or Papa Spank!"

Hat Tip: Dwight the Troubled Teen

Friday, March 23, 2007

Down with the Man


1. "Ain't you heard? This be Chocolate City. Outtamyway, pigs!"

2. "No, Senator Byrd, we can't just 'string that boy up,' we'll probably just take him back to his parents... Yes, even if he was looking at white women."

3. ORA: LeRoy would never ride his trike in Livonia again*.

4. "Don't worry, kid. Congressman Frank says he'll fix your parking ticket... if you're willing to live in his basement and let him keep your soiled Underoos."

5. Flashback: 1968: "Hey, can anyone help this Obama kid find his way to the Madrassah?"

6. "So, when you grow up, are you gonna be a pimp or a crack dealer?" (And then, Dawn's head exploded... again.)

7. "Kwanzay, you ever spend time in a Turkish prison?"

8. "Of course it's my bike! What do you mean license and registration? Damn, I hate Beverly Hills."

9. "Head freshly shaved, surrounded by intimidating men in heavy boots with leather accessories, their crotch meat swinging right at my eye level ... why do I feel a sudden urge to write a demented rant about torture-loving Christianists?"

10. "All clear, Mrs. Gifford. We caught the escapee. We'll have him back at the sweatshop in no time."

Best of mo fo
“Sorry kid, the roller-coaster’s off limits to your kind.”

Best of metalgarth
Enforcing mandatory bike helmet laws for juveniles will be a top priority for the Hilary Clinton administration. Dealing with the nuclear threat posed by Iran, not so much.

Best of Occasional Reader
"Can't you read the patch, kid? We're with CRS, Catholic Relief Services. We're Catholic, we're heavily-armed, and we're here to help."

Best of Van Helsing
"Sorry, kid. We have reason to believe that bicycle belongs to John Edwards."

Best of attmay
Web gets caught behind the Iron Curtain, on a very special Webster.

Best of prince of leaves
"For the last time, NO, I'm NOT a 'magic negro'! Now stop polishing my bald head trying to get three wishes!"

Best of prince of leaves
Don't play alone in the streets, children...Angelina Jolie's adoption press gangs might get you!

Best of Buckley F. Williams
Listen Mr. Coleman, are you gonna' come in peacefully or do you want to go the mace and anal sodomy route like Bridges?

Best of Submariner
Madonna? yeah, kid - right! And Dennis Rodman adopted me...

Best of Double the U
Good news kid...today is Friday, and on Friday you get to decide which officer beats the living crap out of you.

Best of Anonymous
Oh dear God, don't tell me it's those pedophile UN peacekeepers in Africa again...

Best of Frank IBC
Nice. Making fun of Manute Bol being surrounded by 16-foot tall French Mutant Storm Troopers as he tries to bring bicycles to poor children. Read his story. Educate yourselfs, morons.

Best of the paperboy
Well, "Kent Read," you're about to get stuck in Iraq! Come with us young man.

Hat tip: Jeff
Source: Free Market Fairy Tales

* Divine Miss M and Racerboy will get it.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Ski Holiday on Planet Amazonia


1. "This is Kent Brockman, and I, for one, welcome our new Amazonian overlords."

2. "Ho! Ho! Ho!" The Green Giant's Harem can kick ass on Hef's any day of the week.

3. "Next time I book the resort," Andrew said, putting the ball-gag back in the boyfriend's mouth and closing the padlock on the cage.

4. "So, we keep the giant robots at the top of the hill distracted while the rest of the rebel forces prepare the attack, is that right?"

5. The First and Last Edition of MTV's Spring Break: Saskatchewan.

Best of Zeke
Many Bothans lost their lives to bring us this picture

Best of attmay
The rarely-seen Charlie's Angels/Northern Exposure crossover show.



Hat Tip: Moonbatoligist Claire at K is P

Cougar Bait

1. "A tongue-bath? No, thanks, Senator Clinton."

2. "I'm bored. If only I had a crate of hand-washed Mexican carrots or some toilet-lid horseshoes."

3. "Very nice," said the Mormon Missionary. "Now, may I please have my shirt back?"

4. Every Thursday, Senator Clinton disappears into her bathroom for half an hour with a laptop and a cucumber. No one knows why.

5. "What do you mean it's not Memorial Day yet? What are you, 'Serial Mom?'"

Best of Double the U
You know how I know you're gay? 'Cos you noticed the shirt in the picture.


Hat Tip: Ace

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The Witches of Beastprick

1. Unless you own a hedge trimmer and a stash of anti-biotics, you probably ought not sweep out those bushes.

2. Role-playing adds spice to Diane Keaton and Janet Reno's relationship.

3. Mine? Um, no I'm pretty sure that's yours.

4. "Bushhitler put splinters in my vagina."

5. "We'd like to lay with the horned one from a couple of weeks ago. Is he still around?"

6. Much like their respective beverages of choice, the "Make 7 Up Yours" people and the "Surge" people just don't mix.

7. The moonbat at left demonstrates the relative cognitive abilities of a left-wing peace freak using a visual aid.

8. "You reek of cat piss, Eudora." "You noticed! Thanks, Esmerelda."

9. Esmerelda was proud that her bag was made from 100% recycled pimp-Cadillac upholstery.

10. Both womyn had to be hospitalized after some stoned-out "meddling kids" tried to rip off their masks.

Best of jeff
"We want Bush out, because then the Iraqi's will kill each other and make more skulls!"

Best of Silhouette
No worries, Endora, you never caused anything to surge.

Best of Jack Reacher
U.S. attorneys, fired by the Bush administration, had trouble finding new employment.

Best of mo fo
“Ya, ya, Swede out Bush, ya.”

Best of attmay
They've been pissed ever since that cousin of theirs married a mortal politician from Arkansas named Bill.

Best of Laurie2k
"Ugly??? We'd prefer that you refer to us as 'the women with the classic Jurassic-era facial features'."

Best of Submariner
Gaia commanded we celbrate Oster using the traditional womyn's garb...

Best of Submariner
Hey baby, we desperately need a little "camel toe" for our next potion...

Best of Submariner
Ang Lee announced today that he was set to begin his remake of "Charmed" now that he had found his main stars; Chris Mathews and Dennis Kucinich...



Also from Zombie

Whee!

1. The unusual circumstances of Becky's first orgasm would eventually lead to a gold medal in luge.

2. "Aw, sh-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-t!"

3. The tragic death of Sondra K's web icon.

4. Many who survived the 12 Monkeys virus subsequently died as a result of stupid dares.

5. Every once in a while, Gwen Stefani has to air out the old coot.

6. And another orphan chooses violent suicide over adoption by Rosie O'Donnell.

7. And another Jackass fan helps chlorinate the human gene pool.

8. This about sums up my reaction to the slate of 2008 presidential candidates.

9. Going down the roller-coaster was easy, sticking the landing on the blue ping-pong table is the hard part.

10. Tonight on Heroes a young girl discovers her super-powered queefs can actually push her upwards on a steep roller-coaster track.

Best of metalgarth
The sequel to 'Ghost Rider' is aiming for a much younger demographic.

Best of mo fo
The sole heir to millions, future childhood pictures of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn always seemed somewhat reckless or foolhardy, as if her adoptive parents wished to see her dead.

Unlike the pampered and sissified boys, the few hated girls that survived NAMBLA Elementary School were honed to be as tough as Spartans.

Best of jeff
The real reason children put up with Michael Jackson...

Best of Jack Reacher
When asked how he views this year's economic forecast, former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan said "Allow me to demonstrate, using my granddaughter and this roller coaster."

Best of Anonymous
Following her resounding defeat in the 2008 general election, Hillary prepares to commit suicide by letting her labia beat her to death.

Best of GOP & College
Sally is suddenly regretting being so curious about where the "maintenance only" road went.



Hat Tip: Dwight the Troubled Teen

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Mom Let You Dress Yourselves, Didn't She?

1. Being rejected from The Hef's harem can leave one emotionally scarred for life.

2. Sullivan was delighted to learn a version with a zipper in the rear was available.

3. "Hi, we're a pair of frigid, bitchy peaceniks with no fashion sense. Come join our cause."

4. Rainbow finally found an outfit that covered all her needle marks. Sunfall just flaunted hers.

5. "Actually, it's the scarecrow that's supposed to sing 'If I only had a...' oh... never mind."

6. "I don't trust the way those guys with the toilet seats are looking at us, Sunbeam."

7. "Excuse us, we're looking for the Deptartmt of Peace?"

8. "Dress like Bjork" day will never be as popular as "Talk Like a Pirate" Day.

9. "Thanks for trying, Rainblossom, but I still feel homesick for Enumclaw."

10. "Forget the two cows," Sullivan harrumphed. "Who is that magnificent bear in the sky blue windbreaker? I must have him!"

Best of Chrees
Updated protest songs--Mr. Tambourine Ewok

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If ever there was a "I tried to fart, but a little poopy came out" look, puppy-boy's got it.

Best of Frank IBC
Dammit, Earthchild, it's "MANBEARPIG", not "DOGLION"!

Best of Rodney Dill
"You're right, the body is on backwards AND it does fit better."

Best of Double the U
Who says family values are gone? Here we see a father and his daughter walking along with the half dog-half gay older brother.

Best of Cybrludite
How can you tell this is the Bay Area? Everyone is staring at the normal-looking photojournalist as if she was the freak...

Best of Jonathan
"You talked me into dressing like this, Sunshower, so I could get some Crazy Candy...so WHERE IS IT??"

Best of prince of leaves
Who knew lions could get camel toe?

Best of the paperboy
"Look Mr. Burns! I'm Bobo! Hug me, squeeze me, tug at my fur!"



Hat Tip: LGF, Source: Zombie

Special Ed Horeshoes


1. "Rick, when did we officially become white trash?"

2. "Actually, it's using that stack of Bud cans for a stake that really marks us trailer park trash."

3. "Nice throw, brother-cousin."

4. The Little Rock Games of 2024 were not the Olympics proudest moment.

5. "Yeah, like Rosie O' Donnel even needs an IUD."

Best of metalgarth
Jethro and his life partner Lance take advantage of the plumber's strike of aught-seven to settle the "seat up or seat down" debate in the fairest way possible.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"There's water in this field!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Take this, Magneto!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Duke and Spider thought wearing glasses while playing horseshoes made them look like sissies. So they got bigger horseshoes.

Best of mo fo
"Darnit Earl, quit sniffing 'em and just throw 'em."

"Them San Francisco values don't play none to well here in Tulsa, does they Earl?"


HT: Div Ms M

One Almost Fears Captioning Would Ruin It

1. "I know what you're saying... 'Jeff, can I afford to start my own home meth lab?'... the answer is, yes, you can... and I'll show you how..."

2. "By the end of the puppet show, you will have incontrovertible proof that Bush was behind 9-11, Bush's father killed JFK, and the Queen of England is a Trans-Sexual alien drug dealer."

3. "Really? The hand-puppet is more credible than Katie Couric?" CBS News gets bad news from the Focus Group.

4. "Al Gore couldn't be with us, but we've got the next best thing... take it away, lifeless wooden puppethead."

5. Cast-off from South Park, Mr. Hat's career continues its sad, downward spiral.

Best of Kevin Walker
Question: How many objects shown here have been inside Sullivan's anus?
Answer: You may not want to know.

Best of Chrees
Cruelty to children, math-geek style: "Who here wants some pi?"

Best of Jack Reacher
"No, we are not the guys who make fountains with Diet Coke bottles. Please leave."

Best of ColoradoPatriot
Erwin and Cletus never really had much success with their "How To Never, Ever Get Laid" seminars.

Best of Double the U
...and if you add up the numbers in pi, and convert them to letters it says "Bush is Hitler, impeach now!"

Best of Cybrludite
For our next trick we will require 50 kilos of U-235...

Best of Frank IBC
Nice. Making fun of Dr. Pedro Ramakrishnan, the deaf-mute midget who became a world-renknown expert on children's health. Read his story. Educate yourselfs, morons.


Hat Tip: Zombie

Monday, March 19, 2007

What's Love Got to Do with it?


1. "Oh, yes, dip your bald head in oil and rub it all over my black body."

2. "Yes! Yes! Kiss me like a Russian lesbian bride!"

3. ORA "Some accountabillibuddy you turned out to be."

4. Even George Takei was was put off his lunch by their vulgar display.

5. "Damn, Harry. One bucket of Popeye's and you're anybody's whore" And then, Dawn's head exploded.

6. "What do you say we swing back to what I like to call the DEPTARTMT OF GETTIN IT AWN?"

7. "You kiss just like Strom Thurmond."

8. Secretly, though, Harry Belafonte missed the stern open hand of Ike Turner.

9. "Danny, are you missing a tongue? Because I have two."

10. "How did you know about my Britney Spears fetish?"

Best of sonicfrog
If this doesn't cure the Reverend Ted Haggard of his homosexual tendencies, then noting will!!!

Best of metalgarth
Middle age black gay porn is definitely a niche market, but one that consistantly outsells Hillary Clinton/Rosie O'Donell porn.

Best of Rodney Dill
That popping sound is Ann Coulter's head exploding

Best of Rodney Dill

Gag-O, Ga-a-ag-O,
regurge come and I'm gonna Gag-O


Best of Double the U
Okay, now SHUT UP Belafonte, I don't want to hear any more about how Chevez kissed Sheehan and not you.

Best of attmay
The golden age of blaxploitation returns when New Line Cinema releases "Brokeblack Mountain", in theaters this summer.

Best of Van Helsing
"Nice work, Harry. I knew your suction power would get that bit of gristle stuck between my teeth."

Best of Cybrludite
Oddly enough, the transition to a "Chocolate City" had almost no effect on the clubs east of St. Ann on Bourbon St.

Best of mo fo
“Your kissing is pretty clean and articulate for a black man.”

Best of the paperboy
I thought it was one of those Sci Fi Channel things, where the guy blows up the balloon dog by the a**, or French kisses the alien puppy.

Best of racerboy
Danny was overwhelmed with gratitude when Harry gave him a year's membership to the Butt-Plug-Of-The-Month Club.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Mr.Glover, it is unethical to use the Vulcan mind meld that way.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The original idea for the Snicker's Superbowl Halftime commercial was even more disgusting...

Best of Frank IBC
Smoking crack on live TV, DWI and failure to file a tax return all passed under the radar, but the citizens of the District of Columbia finally sat up and took notice when Marion Barry was caught French-kissing the disembodied head of Ray Nagin.



Source: Van Helsing

Victory! Welfare!



1. "Sorry, Helen Thomas. You have to be this tall to ride the Iron Dingbat."

2. "And when ah'm ridin' in muh car, ah lahks to does this out the winder," Hillary makes another tone-deaf attempt at pandering.

3. ORA "Arafat's red binder? Thanks, Suha! Heil Hitler!"

4. "Oh, so I'm supposed to hold my hand like *this*! That's why all those interns hemorrhage after I fist them! Thanks, Andrew!"

5. Hillary shows her campaign staff the new, mandatory salute.

6. ORA: Hillary reminds everyone at the Center for American Progeria that they are "nature's cruelest joke."

7. "Britney, may I rub your head? Did I ever tell you about me and Sinead O'Connor?"

8. "I'm actually going to raise taxes much higher than this, but Rosie and Ellen got kind of rough last night and this is as far as I can raise my arm."

9. "All right! The May issue of Chixxx with Dixxx! Thanks, Nancy!"

10. "Hey, Val! Bushitler just sent me a crate of extra-large Mexican produce. Any chance you could ditch Joe for the weekend?"

Best of mo fo
“Let’s talk…Let’s chat…Let’s make retarded hand gestures.”

Best of racerboy
"Buh-bye... buh-bye... buh-bye... Thanks for flying with us! Uh-huh, buh-bye... BUH-bye..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Yes, as president, I will march into...I mean, visit, VISIT Poland."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Can you turn the lights down a little? My face is melting, melting, oh what a world."

Best of affablerants
"No,really, if you do it like this, it means you love the hell out of the zionist movement."

Best of Van Helsing
Shrillary ineptly attempts to high-five the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt.

Best of ThatGayConservative
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!

Best of metalgarth
Hillary was way better at "I'm a Little Teapot" than the jihad guys

Source: NY Sun

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I'll Say They Are



From: Tantor

The Intellectual Candlepower of the Anti-War Left


Says it all, really.

But, the crack team of Cap This regulars said even more... than all.

Best of divine miss m & racerboy
Obviously a typo; any idiot can see it should have read: DepTARDmt.

Best of Silhouette
"I'm the Deputy Tart of Montana and I am of Peace, babee."

Best of Jack Reacher
The Deptartmt of Peace will share office space with the Deptartmt of Splleing.

Best of mo fo
Accused of being biased against slow people, the Jolly Green Giant hires ebonics retards to run his Department of Pees.

Best of Brian_in_MA
"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck with dirty, smelly, traitorous hippies holding misspelled signs."

"Gay spelling results when the Deptartmt of Education is more interested in back-ordering Prince and Prince than actually educating."

Best of mo fo
March, 2011: In the third year of President Dennis Kucinich’s administration, the US Military was dismantled, the Pentagon was turned into a gay/lesbian/transgender think tank, and the Detartmt of Peace was established under the directorship of an ebonics speaking, glue sniffing homeless idiot.

Best of affablerants
This rare photo captures the now defunct secret agency behind "The Carter Success Machine" of the late 1970s.

Best of prince of leaves
Rainbow donated the apostrophe from her abbreviation of 'Department' to Moonbeam, who needed it for a plural on his sign.

Best of the paperboy
The Deputy Tart from the Mountain Of Peace leads the commune to the town Kool-aid tower, while the village of idiots smokes a communal sign.

Hat Tip: Jammie Wearing Fool at LGF

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Suddenly, I Am Nostalgic for college

1. The last thing Rick remembered was doing Jell-O shots with the Blue Man Group.

2. Being an intern for Barney Frank was not as glamorous as Rick had been led to believe.

3. Hard to believe that this was New Jersey's Secretary of Homeland Security under Jim McGreevey.

4. In 2198, Rick became the first human ever to join an Andorian fraternity, although the hazing rituals were disgusting.

5. Rejected Family Guy Manatee Gag #471: "Man, this is worse than that time I made the Smurf bukkake video."

Best of Double the U
Could have been worse, they could have photographed what he was doing before he passed out.

Best of Van Helsing
I would have expected nicer furniture at the Kennedy compound.

Best of Submariner
A cot was installed in his Congressional office since Patrick Kennedy frequently worked late into the night...

Best of Submariner
Andrew wasn't upset when he woke up, but he did wonder how he won the beads?

Best of metalgarth
"Sure thing Mr. Mapplethorpe," said Andrew in an enthusiastic voice, "but what's are the tube of Crest Gel, the Madri Gras beads and the terry cloth towel for?"

Best of sonicfrog
Grover?!? Nooooooooooooooo!!!

Best of Anonymous
Dad??!!!!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Failed Dr.Seuss Titles:
Who Threw Blue Goo?

Best of the paperboy
You sold our land for what? Some beads and a dirty towel?


Anonymously tipped

Friday, March 16, 2007

Waving their Hands in the Air like they just don't care


Hat Tip: Renna

Best of Renna

1. Auditions for the "All New Village People" were held this week...

2. There was no way Kobe was going anywhere near that.

3. "No, I'm sorry, none of you have come even close to how large Hillary's ass actually is."

4. The competition for the bridal bouquet was bound to be fierce.

5. "Congratulations, you have all passed basic training in the French Army."

And five more

6. "YAHOO! WE'RE KOO-KOO FOR MARTYRDOM! KOO-KOO FOR MARTYRDOM!"

7. "Goat rapes! Honor killings! Sis-Boom-Bah! Blitzkrieg! Car bombs! Rah! Rah! Rah!"

8. "No! No! No! It's kick - turn - flair, kick-turn-flair, then jazz-hands, you no-talent scrubs!"

9. "Well, your 'trapped in an invisible Zionist box' sucks, let's see you 'walking against fascist headwinds.'"

10. "Sprockets" was only the beginning of Dieter's plan for 'Vorld Domination.'

Best of Jack Reacher
"Stop, stop, stop. What the hell kind of teapots are these, you morons? Try it again."

Best of Submariner

With up-front apologies to Pink Floyd:

Welcome my son, welcome to the jihad.
Where have you been?
No matter, we know where you've been.
You've been at Madrassa, binding your mind;
Provided with toys and
scouting for boys.

Best of mo fo
♫ If you’re an Islamist Facist Nazi raise your hands. ♫
♫ If you’re an Islamist Facist Nazi raise your hands. ♫
♫ If you’re an Islamist Facist Nazi and you really want to show it ♫
♫ If you’re an Islamist Facist Nazi raise your hands. ♫

Best of curly
“Now give me 50 Jumping Osamas, you good-for-nothing sissies!”

Best of prince of leaves
Black: it's the new brownshirt.

Best of prince of leaves
"You know something, Mohammed? I could take this whole shaheed thing more seriously back before Abu Ahmad adopted workplace morale-improvement kalisthenics from the Japanese."

Best of Rodney Dill
France deploys their crack Surrender Ninja Terrorist Team.

Best of affablerants
"Okay people, when I say 'Go',the first one to get a dead child and shove the corpse in front of a CNN stooge will spend tonight with a virgin...goat of his choice."

Source: Fox News

Oy!

1. Manischewitz, always a good choice!

2. Ah, St Patrick's Day, when drunks of all religions and ethnicities get sh*tfaced as one.

3. "Hey! Now that we're loaded, let's go into the hood and inject black babies with AIDS!"

4. "They say the only difference between a mensch and a faygele is a six-pack of Shmaltz..."

5. "Hah! Those shriners were freakin' pussies. When we stole their hats, they cried like George Voinovitch."

Best of Rodney Dill
Torah Torah Torah

Best of Silhouette
Now the black-fezzed Sneetches had fezs that were black.
The ecru-fezzed Sneetches, the black they did lack.

Best of Silhouette
Day 365: Still no washing machine repair man. Have given up hope.... Screw this, there are lamp shades and shower curtains handy. We're going out.

Best of Occasional Reader
The Avant-Garde Orthodox Theater Group presents "Mummenschwartz".

Best of attmay
♫ Hey hey, we're the Monkewiczes
And people say we Monkewicz around,
And we're too busy kvetching
To put anybody down ♫

Best of prince of leaves
The students were momentarily terrified and disoriented when their Qabbalah ritual actually worked, dragging them through a time portal into modern-day Amsterdam.

Best of Brian_in_MA
Beware our Zionist plot to get smashed!

Best of Michigan-Matt
The new JewBoiBand left court after learning "Whirling Dervish" was already taken by another group of religious fanatics.




Hat Tip: Brender

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Point and Shoot


1. "Oh, come on, Antonella, rip off your top and pee on the War Memorial. No one's ever gonna see these pictures but us."

2. "Good, now I'll get the hostage to hold up today's paper so his family will know he's still alive."

3. "So, do you want to be on top of the horse or underneath?" Sensitivity and openness had made Brad Enumclaw's top high school prom photographer.

4. "Tell you what, why don't you invite the rest of the Carolina cheerleaders over and I'll take pictures of all of you."

5. "I swear! All the great ones began their careers being penetrated by a Great Dane at an Auto Show. Jenna Jameson. Marilyn Chambers. Katie Couric..."

6. "It's just point and shoot. Point... and ... shoot. Point... Oh, forget it, just put on the green fishnet top and pose on the back of that Corvette."

7. "Don't be shy. Senator Clinton insists on nude photos of all her interns. It's... um, to prevent terrorism."

8. "Your mind is basically a Zippo with no flint, isn't it?"

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Not bad, eh? I picked it up off Amazon for only $1200 and they threw in a free downblouse converter. Go ahead, try it out."

Best of Jack Reacher
"And so I used the ASA400 film, because I prefer a fast shutter speed, and my friend Andy said 'I totally love 1000 speed,' but you have to put up with additional graininess in return for its greater light-gathering ability. Hey, did I tell you I was in the A/V club in high school?"

Best of Submariner
"So you see - I have now captured your soul in the 'magic box' which means you MUST do whatever I tell you..."

Best of Submariner
Crap, here comes Teddy Kennedy; give me the macro wide-angle, fish eye lens...

Best of affablerants
Piere dazzled the supermodel with tales of his professional accomplishments for 2 hours before he realized "she" was a manequin.

Best of affablerants
"Check it out! See how I captured your total indifference for me ?"

Hat Tip: Racerboy
Source: Yar

Well, it's almost St Patrick's Day

1. "Well, your rear suspension is just about gone, and we'll have to replace the arms, the bushings, and on top of that your brake lines are... you didn't hear anything I said after 'rear suspension' did you?"

2. Andrew Sullivan was immensely disappointed to find out that 'Jiffy Lube' wasn't what he thought it was.

3. "Carbon monoxide asphyxiation... a HOT way to save the Earth!" The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement unveils its new ad campaign.

4. "O.K. Kids strapped in the back. Now, where's that damned lake?"

5. Nope, it ain't Cousin Daisy. Bo Duke just got back from Thailand.

6. The Highway to Hell has some awesome Service Plazas.

7. Almost, but still not quite as pretty as Kasey Kahne.

8. Eventually, Ford gave up on quality control and just hired hotter mechanics.

9. I think she's an Audi... Apparently Under Demonic Influence.

10. In honor of this pic, the world's only auto-mechanic/gynecologist joke:

After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, Marty decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came. Most of the younger students finished the exam in under two hours. Marty took the entire four hours.

The next day, Marty was stunned to see a score of 150% on his exam.

Marty asked his instructor. "I never dreamed I could do this well. But, how did I get a score of 150%?"

The instructor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I gave you another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. And I gave you 50% Extra Credit for doing all of it through the muffler."

Best of Kevin Walker
"That shirt!" Sullivan gasped, "I must have it!"

Best of mo fo
Win a free laptop by pointing which item in this picture has a heavy-duty silicon front bumper, loose rear end, burns rubber, is high maintenance, and is showy but slow.

Best of Occasional Reader
Johns Hopkins' multi-year project to produce a composite MRI snapshot of the adult human male brain has produced some remarkably unsurprising images.

Best of attmay
Erin Go Bragh-less

Best of GOP & College
If life is that highway, I think I might just ride it all night long.

Best of Submariner
Car? What car?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Giant Scribble? Ball of Yarn? Snoop Dogg Walking on Shag Carpet on a Cold Day?

1. A bystander was killed today by a hairball from Tuesday's cats.

2. Clarence Thomas's parting gift to Anita Hill, a giant ball of pubic hair.

3. Forget the giant hairball, I just wanna know which Barney Frank intern is wearing the sissy pink vest with the powder blue backpack and yellow Herb Tarlek shirt.

4. "As you wish, Holy Giant Hairball, all the infidels die tonight!"

5. At the end of the campaign, Hillary hung Barack Obama's scalp on the wall as a gruesome reminder to all who would oppose her.

6. "And here is where we crossed out all the inaccurate information in Al Gore's Global Warming documentary."

Best of Occasional Reader
(ORA) "I see... three elephants, making love to a mens' glee club."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"..and this next slide shows the brain wave patterns of a Level 5 BDS attack at 1X magnification..."

Best of Van Helsing
That's some hairball. But you should see the blond one Janet Reno coughed up after her date with Shrillary.

Best of Submariner
John Madden telestration of Armageddon.

Best of prince of leaves
The Museum of Primitive Art is pleased to present the works of Eddie Kulaski, idiot savant and Spirograph obsessive-compulsive.

Best of prince of leaves
When it came time for the "Trading Spaces" reveal, Tim was devastated to discover the "art project" the neighbors had made on his hand-polished solid ebony paneling.

Best of prince of leaves
But the lines weren't solid, after all -- they were made up of the words "I HATE CHIMPY MCBUSHITLER!", meticulously lettered over and over again in long, self-intersecting chains of infantile narcissism.

Best of The Man
I'll take "items found in Andrew Sullivan's colon" for $400.

Best of attmay
Concerned about the spiraling budgets of movies, Paramount cut the budget of Indy 4 by about 99%.

Best of Rodney Dill
Charlie Brown never did get the kite flying thing down.

Best of Jonathan
"Welcome to 'The Dark Side' with Nat X, the ONLY 15-minute show on TV!"

Best of mo fo
In his younger days, Obama was known for having the biggest, most rad 'fro in the hood.

Best of the paperboy
In Stargate TNG, the gate momentarily coughs up an enormous hairball, which the galactic traveler must then climb through.

Best of sonicfrog
Tookie Williams Lives!!!

Hat Tip: AM42

Source: Roto-REUTERS/Victor Fraile (SPAIN)

Fondling the Phallic Symbols Americans Are Unwilling to Fondle


1. "And then I told Pelosi, 'Open wide, bitch. Here it comes!'"

2. "So, this is where you aliens make your anal probes."

3. President Bush visits a technical college where undocumented mohels learn to perform discount circumcisions.

4. "So, basically, you attach these to leather belts and the Hillary08 campaign buys them by the truckload?"

5. "Karl Rove was right. This job is definitely beneath the dignity of white children. Thank God for dirty little beaners like you. Here, let me hug you."

6. "If we had some snow, I could demonstrate, but this is the basic technique."

7. "I knew this was the right day to wear my pimp coat."

8. "And to improve sanitary conditions, we're posting 'Employees Must Wipe Their Butts Before Returning to Work' signs in all the toilets."

9. "Look... I'm Hillary!"

10. "So, Consuela, does where I'm holding this carrot remind you of any other 'jobs' Americans won't do?"

Best of divine miss m
...Or art thou but a carrot of the mind, a false creation, proceeding from our heat-oppressed corrupt imperialistic phallocratic heritage?

Best of Submariner
Look, I know you are actually a LEGAL immigrant, but I have a "job" that Laura won't do. Interested?

Best of Submariner
OK, we're agreed that it's 5 bucks for every plate served at the DNC luncheon where one of these is standing between two kiwi's?

Best of Jack Reacher
"So imagine this table is the border, and all these carrots are your little amigos. What we want to do is tip the table--like so--and pour all the carrots into the U.S."

Best of Occasional Reader
"Señor Bush, why did you steal the, how do you say, suéter, from el Doctor Huxtable?"

Best of prince of leaves
The President was so touched by the kindness of the clones working in the organ decanting factory that he reversed his opposition to stem-cell research.

Best of prince of leaves
"No wonder we have a problem with illegal aliens -- just look at all these larva!"

Best of mo fo
"So if I were to have unprotected sex with one of those Tijuana street walkers, my pecker would turn this color?"

Best of mo fo
“This little amiga went to the market; little amiga peeled carrots. This little amiga jumped the fence; this little amiga stayed home. And THIS little amiga went wee-wee-wee all over el Presidente’s weenie.”

Best of sonicfrog
... so when you sneak 'cross the border and get to Phoenix, find a wall and write "McCain Sucks!" with your urine stream like this. That'll really piss him off....

Best of Submariner
Let me know if any of y'all find a green one; that'd be Rodney's Dill...

Best of Big Arn
Not much, just sitting in front of the TV, watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos.

Hat Tip: Would rather remain anonymous
Source: Brill at Breakfast

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Kits in a Box


1. "Sorry about that, Mr Timberlake, it just looked like a shaved gerbil to us."

2. "Two pussies in a tight box? We're Thursday material and you know it."

3. "And if Jodie Foster doesn't love me after she sees this box of severed cat heads, I'll just have to shoot the president!" --- John Hinckley's diary, January 8, 1981.

4. "Derivery for Peking House!"

5. "Screw our orders! I'm staying here in the foxhole!"

Best of jeff
"Next time we go FedEx!"

Best of Jack Reacher
Senator Reid's plan to up-armor everything he can get his hands on reaches its inevitable conclusion.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Explain that, Shroedinger!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Bring Me The Heads Of Alfredo Garfielda.

Best of Submariner
Free at last! I'm so darn horny from being couped up in there - whadaya say we go bed a couple orangutans?

Best of Celia Dávila
Glass Bongs and Bong featuring Herbal Smoke, water bongs, bongs online head shop, Marijuana Alternative,glass water bongs, Hashish, Ganja, homemade bongs, Smokeshop, cannibis, legal smoking alternatives for herbal highs and aphrodisia.

(I know it's SPAM, but it's so delightfully surreal in context - V)

Best of divine miss m
♫ Cat heads, cat heads
Roly-poly cat heads!
Cat heads, cat heads
Eat them up, yum! ♫

Best of jeff
"Kid is really going to town on that spoon, eh?"
"Yeah - should we tell him it isn't milk?"

Best of Cybrludite
And if you don't speed up the "Best Of" updates, we'll send you another box overflowing with cat heads. - signed: The Cap This Regulars

Yogurt Kitten


1. PETA is appalled to learn of Andrew Sullivan's secret attempts to infect kittens with AIDS.

2. "Aw, man, what did I do last night? I have got to sober up."

3. The chef at "Peking Moon" prepares the "Milk-Fed Veal."

4. Warm pussy? Is it Thursday already?

5. "The black ones are for the Wiccan mass, this one is Hillary's lunch."

Best of jeff
Soylent white is kittens!

Best of jeff
"Hey, where's my viking hat and assault rifle?"

Best of Submariner
Normally I like it laid out in a straight line, but a kitty could get used to this kind of treatment...

Best of prince of leaves
"One down, seventy-eight more to go." Feeding time at Crazy Aunt Edna's.

Best of the paperboy
"Please, suh. I want some mo'ah."
"You want MOOOOORE!!!!!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Kids Today


1. Barack Obama met with his advisors today...

2. ORA: Paul Simon's back-up band shows up and demands their cut of the royalties.

3. What the parking lot of Home Depot would look like if the USA bordered Africa.

4. Another roaming band of Calista Flockhart impersonators.

5. RenFaire goes Afro-Centric.

6. "Never mind, hon, it's not Jehovah Witnesses, it's the Vodoun."
Best of Rodney Dill
"Whaddya mean the choice is only between Pirates and Ninjas?"

Best of Cybrludite
Look, I know that the SCA covers from the dawn of time to 1600CE,but you're going to give Archduke Wilburshire the Incontinent the vapors...

Best of Submariner
Empress Rodham-Clinton? We were sent by the village that is to raise your "Chelsea."

Best of The Man
click...cllul..click...clu..click

Best of mo fo
By introducing a few of his Indonesian childhood playmates, Hillary's advance team really caused embarassment to the Obama campaign.

Best of sonicfrog
Mr. Obama (pictured right) was overheard saying to Misters Sharpton and Jackson: "OK, Fine! Is THIS black enough for you guys??!!



Hat Tip: Brenda Walker

Ummm, Second Thoughts?

`
1. Even at the beginning, the Kurt Cobain-Courtney Love marriage was problematic at best.

2. "It's okay," Bill assured the other guests. "Hillary and I have an understanding."

3. You think that's bad, you should see what the groom did to the ring-bearer in the broom closet.

4. "I bet Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson never saw this coming."

5. "Shut the f**k up, Billy Idol. Just shut the f**k up!"

Inspired by Rodney Dill
Not going anywhere for a while? Grab a Snickers.

Best of Submainer
"Jeff Gillooly eat your heart out!"

Best of Submariner
I just don't get it - what's so funny about a Massachussett's wedding reception? Oh, both brides wore white?

Best of divine miss m
If it were a WASP wedding, she'd be kissing the golden retriever.

Best of affablerants
"Wow, I'm spending Prom Night with the hottest chic in school! This is sooo coo...HEY! What are you doing with my sister?!"

Best of mo fo
In retrospect, the groom's lime green tie positively screamed "I'm OK with my new bride's lesbo tendancies!"

Best of Jonathan
"Well DUH, Yuri! Why do you think I married her?"



Hat Tip: Timmeh!
Source: Russia

Saturday, March 10, 2007

BB Cana from The Heartland


1. Before the Apocalypse, Master-Blaster had a promising NBA career.

2. "I believe 'prate' is derived from the Latin pratum, meaning meadow, little friend."

3. "Kobe's got sunflower seeds? Dude, I am SO Open!"

4. "See, it's true. When Chuck Norris slaps your dad, *you* feel it."

5. "Take that back! I do not look like Ben Affleck!"

Best of GOP & College
Dude! The jersey says JUST "Pirates!" NOT "Butt Pirates!"

Best of John
Hello, I found you site on the search. It is pretty.:)

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey, I'm a pirate, that's not where the parrot goes."

Friday, March 09, 2007

Doubleplusungood



1. "Citizen! Why are you turning away from the Telescreen?"

2. "So, it's decided, the Hill2008 Campaign slogan is 'Ignorance Is Strength,' Hollywood should love that one."

3. "Oh great, so now we're at war with Eastasia?."

4. "So, who is this Emmanuel Goldstein guy, anyway?"

5. "Actually, looking at her and Eddie Van Halen, it's not too difficult to imagine a boot stamping on the human face forever."

6. "Yeah, it sucks that our families are starving and our friends have been sent to death camps for Thoughtcrimes, but at least we have free Healthcare."

7. Casual Fridays at Room 101.

8. Another Clinton is forced to go on TV and assert "I did not have sex with that woman." No one believes this one either.

9. "The way she explains why ownlife is a thoughtcrime gives me good bellyfeel."

10. "Um, could we please have the picture of Eddie Van Halen back?"

Best of jeff
Hillary - Finally getting the attention she deserves.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Is she still looking at us?" "Yeah, and she's making that face again." "Gross."

Best of Submariner
We all have to live with our disappointments... and I have to sleep with mine.

Best of Cybrludite
Barack Obama wept tears of joy. He finally loved Big Sister.

Best of Rodney Dill
M.M.Max.. Maxie Hea Head.. Headroom (now with wings)

Best of bubbalove
Having just seen the boss turn to stone with a scream of agony, the staff at the meeting did not dare turn around and see what was behind them.


Source: WaPo

"Hey! You kids get out of my yard!"

1. "I'm sorry, I don't have any spare change... OMG, you're Eddie Van Halen!"

2. So, I guess Valerie spent all the money before you could buy some dental work?

3. "Somebody get that shrunken apple-head doll off the... OMG, that's Eddie Van Halen!"

4. All right! Who opened the Ark of the Covenant? Was it you, Dwight the Troubled Teen?

5. "Hey, who's that geezer who just crapped his pants ... OMG, that's Eddie Van Halen!"

6. "Dear Mr Van Halen. As you may know, I have something of a fetish for freakishly grotesque men, and, cutting to the chase, are you up for a menage-a-trois? (signed) Mary Matalin."

7. "Dr. Kevorkian, your 10 o'clock is here."

8. "Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Also, vodka, codeine, crystal meth, heroin, crack, amphetamines, oxycotin, valium, ecstasy, peyote, mescalin... they're all a hell of a drug."

9. "Speaking of 'Running with the Devil,' anybody got a change of Depends?"

Best of Van Helsing
"Anybody seen Keith Richards? He made off with my walker!"

Best of Submariner
ORA: "My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention."

Best of Submariner
Bring out yer dead!

Best of Rodney Dill
My god, Helen Thomas sure has aged.

Best of Cybrludite
"Braaaaaains!"

Best of affablerants
"Yeah I got a date.Whitney,lose the pipe and get over here and mingle wouldja ?"

Best of affablerants
"So there we were, just me and that totally lickable toad..."

Best of affablerants
The oldest known Apache warrior was finally at peace now that they got the band back together...

Best of prince of leaves
Taking revenge for Hollywood's betrayal one megastar at a time, Hillary (just out of frame) sucks the life out of George Clooney like a Wraith hive-queen.

Best of Dickey Swollenz
Since Van Halen was no longer touring, Eddie decided to take up posing for Iron Maiden record covers as a side project.

Best of Cybrludite
Dr. Kevorkian, your 3 o'clock is here.

Best of divine miss m
"Grandpa, tell us stories about the '80s again!"

Best of mo fo
"I'm like that character in the fairy tails...What's his name...Rumpled-foreskin, Rumpelstiltskin...What the hell was I just talking about?"

Best of Cricket
Eddie talks about his new role as the Cryptkeeper in the rock musical horror movie "Tales From Eddie Van Halen's Life"


Hat Tip: Divine Miss M
Source: Ass Press

Russian Bacon


1. The Russian Army is so desperate, they're now recruiting Confederate Civil War Re-enactors.

2. "We'll never be ready for our Chorus Line audition if you people don't back the f**k off!"

3. Never fails. Four guys always have top be smart-asses and screw up your Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover re-creation.

4. "Dang, we're still one short for the menage-a-trente-et-un."

5. "We happen to be maintaining a police line, you skinny blonde bitch."

Bst of divine miss m
Come on, sing with us, what are you people, uptight or something? All together now: "Kumbaya..."

Bst of Silhouette
At the height of his popularity, crowd control for the world tour of the Watermelon Man and his septuagenarian cheerleaders was a challenge.

Bst of Submariner
V> don't know how much longer we can hold 'em back. Better post the Best Of's...

Bst of Jack Reacher
"And three, four, five, KICK, three, four,five...hey, Andrei! Get in step or it's back to Cats for you!"

Bst of chsw
When people saw John Edwards security detail, they were reminded of what Anne Coulter said.

Bst of Cricket
Yuri, Yakov, Rasputin, and Mikhail wait for Leonid to join them for the dance of the Little Swans in the street revival of Swan Lake.

Bst of prince of leaves
"Wheeeew! Who putined?"

Bst of Rodney Dill
♫ One singular sensation, every step... ♫

Bst of Double the U
"I'd like to see more sketches about police being fairies."

Bst of curly
“Have you been working out, comrade?”

Hat Tip: Timmeh!
Source

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Gay Hobos in Love

1. "O.K. So, electing Hillary may have led to the complete economic collapse of Western Civilization in 2010. But at least we got equal marriage rights."

2.ORA: "Dammit, when's The Humungous going to get back here with that pizza."

3. "I think we broke the back of this La-Z-Boy when we were mountin' it."

4. A twister whips through the only trailer park in West Hollywood... it's Bush's fault!!!.

5. "Didn't we used to have a house? Wow, meth is a hell of a drug!"

6. "Hey, how 'bout next time, I'll be Joey and you be Chandler."

7. "Let's see, should we spend today aggressively pan-handling at Fisherman's Wharf, go downtown for free food from the city government, or go protest the gentrification of the Castro?"

8. "Dude, I feel like I've just been ass-raped with a giant, horn-shaped codpiece."

9. "What a coincidence. I, also, used to be in a boy band."

10. "Do you think Congressman Frank can really fix our parking tickets?"

Best of Submariner
Rex Kramer; "Looks like I picked a bad week to give up anal-lube..."

Best of prince of leaves
After the all-night schnapps binge, Hans woke up with a pounding in his head, a crick in his neck, and a stranger's hand in his pants.

Best of Zeke
Robbie was doomed to a life of drugs and despair due to his inability to sit on furniture the right way.

Best of Submariner
You crash with the fag you brought, not the faggot you wanted... Do I have to go to rehab now?

Best of curly
“Wow, on meth, your knee is like a telescope to the cosmos!”

Best of curly
I knew that the Walter Reed Medical Facility was having problems, but I never realized that it was this bad.

Best of SicSemperTyrannus
Hobo-sexuals!


Hat Tip: Franco IBC