Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Chuckles the Clown

1. "With my army of Triffids, I will take over the world."

2. "All right, then. Eight more trees and Camilla and I will have enough greenhouse gas off-sets for dinner at Taco Bell."

3. "What do you mean 'Look at the potted pansy?' There aren't any flowers out here."

4. "Oh, this is industrial hemp? No wonder I get nothing from smoking it. Thanks, Wills."

5. "Hello, constable. Any luck with finding those two missing schoolgirls who were kidnapped, strangled, and buried in my garden? Nope, well, good day, sir."

Best of silhouette
"The flat end you say?"

Best of prince of leaves
"And when I become king and put the UK under shariah, this lovely beheading sword gifted to me by the late King Fahd will replace the Curtana in the Crown Jewels."

Best of prince of leaves
Bloom County ORA: "FIGUREHEAD!!!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Why, no, I haven't seen mummy at all. Now if you'll excuse me, I simply must get to my crown fitting..."

Best of Submariner
I'm "Prince Charles," dammit. Quit calling me Bonnie.

Best of divine miss m
" I am the Lorax; I speak for the trees!"

Best of GOP & College
"Behold! The Ugly Stick they whacked Camilla withI"

Best of affablerants
"You're sure this is the only way to get the 'football' game on the telly ?"

Best of affablerants
"I christen thee 'Hempalot'. Oh hurry up with the bong, won't you darling ? Our baby's budding !"



News Item: Inbred British Retard Issues Fatwah Against McDonald's.

OMFG

Best of jeff
"Surrender Dorothy!"

Best of The Man
Scientists estimate that her pant suit is a size 967 XXL.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In this updated version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Hillary was specifically warned NOT to eat the Ego-berries.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"It's a good thing ya done that to Hillary, Timmy, a REAL good thing... Now wish her into the cornfield."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In 1st-person shooter games, this is known as a "boss" character at the end of a level... Aim for the weakest point, in this instance, the soul (it's not supposed to be easy).

Best of Jack Reacher
Dominating Washington; so easy a giant balloon-head can do it.

Best of Submariner
"...and after the 2008 election, the new queen pronounced that under her ever-present gaze, eternal winter should lay across Amerikkka to please her icy heart."

Best of Occasional Reader
CHEF: You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin AND Sidney Poitier!!
ROBERT SMITH: I have to try. I can't let Hillary Clinton do this to the entire world.

Best of Kevin Walker
Linus: "And the Great Pumpkin shall come for all the little OMFG WTF IS THAT!?!?!?! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

Best of prince of leaves
And in one maniacal gulp, the dreaded Sta-Queefed Marshmallow Head ate the entire Congress.

Best of prince of leaves
"I am become Shrillary, devourer of worlds!"

Best of bubbalove
With a deafening roar, Shrill-zilla released her radioactive breath on the unsuspecting denizens of the Capitol Building!

Best of Capt. queeg
More ORA:"Gozer the Gozerian... good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension."

Best of Submariner
A voice shrills "Morsmordre!" and the capitol sky is suddenly alight with the horrifying visage of the Death Eaters...

Best of affablerants
"I know, I love the 'gooy entitlement center' too! Now,if it weren't for that nasty 'constitutional coating' getting stuck in my throat, this would be the perfect edible diorama."

Hat tip: Knowledge is Power
Source: Yahoo News

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Another Day at Taco Bell

1. "Hey guys, on the way back to NIMH, let's stop off and get some chalupas"

2. Pelosi, Reed, and Murtha Try to round up support for their next "Knife the Troops" Resolution.

3. "Oh no! Templeton just became an order of Extra Crispy!"

4. "Hide! Richard Gere just spotted us. And he has 'that look' in his eye."

5. And then Hillary unhinged her jaw and ate the tasty rodents one by one.

Best of jeff
Hey Ratbert, welcome back to the hood, man! How's the Dilbert gig workin' for you?

Best of jeff
"What's your problem? We washed in the urine puddle out back!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Run! Here comes the farmer's wife with that damned knife!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"So, what's the story, we're allowed to stir every night except Christmas Eve?"

Best of Double the U
BOB?? BOB!! Have any of you seen Bob? Last time I saw him he was eating some batter.

Best of Submariner
"What are we going to do tonight, Brain?"
"Same thing as every night, Pinky. Try to take over the... oh, sorry Sen Clinton. What do you want to do, tonight?"
"Same thing as every night, Brain. Try to take over the world!"

Best of Van Helsing
Fast food doesn't come any fresher than Taco Bell's new Rata Enchilada.

Best of Double the U
Ya know, once they got rid of the cockroaches, this place isn't too bad.

Best of prince of leaves
Willard's job at the fast-food joint didn't last one night.

Best of prince of leaves
A scene from one of Britney's recurring detox nightmares.

Best of Cybrludite
American fast food joint, or an operating roon in a Cuban hospital?

AP Photo/Rafael Garcia Jr. via APTN

B4B/Cap This Crossover


1. “Sorry Tom, but if you wanna be a blood, you gotta bust a cap in crip's ass. No exceptions.”
2. "Now, now, consider the advantages to living in a house built directly on the sun."
3. Tim Hardaway's agent braces for his beating after telling him that his "Dancing with the Stars" partner will be Lance Bass.
4. “No, Tom, I do not know where you can score some crack.”
5. "Go ahead and stare. I can play pocket-pool all the livelong day."
6. "Whazzou talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
7. "So, is your cousin 'Crab-Man' still in the witness protection program?”
8. “Hide ‘em all you want Tom, but one day, when you least expect it, I *will* pull your finger.”
9. “What did you just say about my ‘smooth, chocolatey head?’”
10. "All right! I admit it! I was out all night pimping with Wayne Brady."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Do you realize that if your neck and mine were averaged, we could build one dude with a normal-size neck?

Best of Submariner
ORA: It's all so pointless, Gayle. I mean, I know perfectly well what's wrong with me. Gayle, I think I'm pregnant.

Best of prince of leaves
"Look, Steve, for the last time, I don't 'do the down low'...at least, not with nebbishy white guys..."

Best of Cbrludite
C. Ray Nagin (D) explanes his vision of a "Chocolate City" to a white New Orleanian voter.

Best of Silhouette
"I can't believe you wore the same gray suit. Now people will be mixing us up all day. Geez."

Best of Submariner
...You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried...

Best of Double the U
Be cool Vincent, The Wolf has the situation all under control.

Hat tip: B4B

Monday, February 26, 2007

OK, I think I see your problem

1. "From my perspective, I don't see any threat from Global Jihad."

2. "Oh, yeah, now she's unzipping her front. Oh, wow, those are the most luscious melons... Dude, are you getting this?"

3. "Um, you might want to use the real binox for this, not the ones that you keep a pint of Jack in."

4. "Those aren't binoculars... they're Rosie O'Donnell beer goggles.

5."Well, that looks like a huge..." "Johnson!" "Yes, sir?" "Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this."

6. Nancy Pelosi asked if she could use those binoculars to develop the Democrat's anti-terror strategy.

Best of Submariner
Totally ORA: Hey Krillin, look, do you think Master Roshi would like that lady over there?

Best of Submariner
I think... I think the black license plate is slipping! I definitely think I saw his butt-crack...

Best of The Man
Why is Andrew Sullivan offering moustache rides behind that falafel stand and how much is he charging?

Best of Submariner
What in Syria is that Muslim doing to that goat?

Best of Jack Reacher
With proper care, good binoculars can last a lifetime. Be sure to cover the lens when not in use. Or when in use. Whatever.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Check it out; we're sending military aid to Hamas. First item--opaque binoculars. Wait until they get the solid-barrel rifles."

Best of Kevin Walker
Everyone watched in amazement as the asteroid came crashing down upon them, except for Achmed, who wondered by he couldn't see anything.



Source: The Weakly Standard

Hot Girl on Girl Breadstick Action

1. Hillary was so impressed with Ellen's deep throat, she immediately agreed to the three-way.

2. "Portia, get me some stones. I feel like breaking some bones."

3. "This is the strap-on I used on Calista Flockhart."

4. "This is too the correct thickness for a wife-beating stick. Check your Koran, infidel!"

5. The hot thing among Hollywood lesbians? One big french fry.

6. "Ellen, I don't care how much you paid on eBay, using Susan B. Anthony's shin bone for a toothpick is disrespectful."

7. "Suddenly, I don't want to sell deathsticks. I want to go home and think about my life."

8. "Wow! an entire foot-long corndog in one swallow. I guess you weren't always a lesbian, huh, Ellen?"

9. "Yeah, she knows I picked my nose with that. It's her private fetish."

10. "Oh, great, Hillary and Rosie are revving their Harleys in the parking lot. This could go on for hours."

Best of Submariner
THAT'S no way to kill roaches!

Best of Van Helsing
A moment later, Ellen Degenerate thrust her head forward, impaling her brain and finally earning herself the attention she craved as various relatives and lesbian lovers squabbled in court over her corpse.

Best of Submariner
Welcome to "Degenerate Karaoke" where every song is a double-entendre. I'll start things off:
♪If you knew sushi, like I "know" sushi...♪

Best of Adjustah
Olive Garden: When you're here, you're Femi-Nazi.

Best of Double the U
It is thicker and much much longer then the Hollywood liberal men she used to date.

Best of prince of leaves
Why is Portia smiling like that, you ask? Because that long, skinny thing sticking out of Ellen's mouth is her prehensile tongue.

Best of Cybrludite
Um, Ellen, that's a double-ended anal dildo. You might not want to... ewww. Nevermind.

Best of sonicfrog
Well, if that's the best she can do, then I guess it's OK she turned lesbian on us.

Hat Tip: The Aesthetically-Challenged American.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Worlds Worst Possible Iditarod Team

Best of A.M. Mora y Leon
The poodle's good eatin' for the trail back, and getting a poodle out of circulation is the idea anyway.

Best of Double the U
Algore makes another appearance on global warming lead by usual crowd expecting to be thrown a bone.

Best of prince of leaves
You race with the dogsled team you have, not the dogsled team you wish you had.

Best of Jonathan
"Why? Because I rescued you ingrates from that Anchorage dim-sum restaurant, THAT'S WHY! Now STFU and MUSH!!!"

Inspired Michigan-Matt
The Democrats called their Iditarod Team 'The Triumph of Diversity.'"



H/T: D M M

Saturday, February 24, 2007

That's One Big Freakin' Snowman


1. "Now all I need is an old silk hat with some magic in it, and we will reap unearthly vengeance on those who have wronged me."

2. "It was supposed to be a Snow-Hillary, but the ass is far too small."

3. Hell, on the same day the Democrats release a plan to win the War on Terror.

4. "Hey! You! Move that orange cone down about 6 feet and we'll get you an NEA grant."

5. Later, in mid-April, the giant snowman in the front yard and the sudden disappearance of Frank's wife and children would all come together.

From Here

Friday, February 23, 2007

Sinead O'Spears Goes Nanners


1. Nice. Making fun of a dipwad pop-star as she practices for her The Avengers audition. Learn her story. Educate yourselfs. Morons.

2. Uncle Fester's sex reassignment surgery was apparently a mixed success.

3. The scary part is she could instantly rehabilitate her reputation and career by screaming, "Bush lied! No war for oil!"

4. "GYM-KA-TA!"

5. "Stop laughing and help me break the window! K-Fed's locked himself in again."

Best of prince of leaves
"No, Britney, you're NOT 'Veejur'...now put down the umbrella and step away from the SUV..."

Best of Van Helsing
Fatefully, their SUV ran out of gas near a remote Pennsylvania graveyard, soon after the dead had begun to rise from their graves, hungry for the flesh of the living. Some had already mastered the crude use of tools.

Best of Double the U
How nature says, "Do Not Touch"

Best of Jack Reacher
"You heard it! The ****ing truck is laughing at me!"

"So the photographer says, 'we like the photos of you shaved, you know,' and I'm like 'Oh, I can shave and show you more,' and he's like 'Yeah, that'd be great,' and I'm like 'Wait till they get a load of me.'"

Best of Submariner
Fox announced the addition of a "B. Spears" to the cast of Reno 911 today...

Best of Submariner
DAMMIT! I said bring your Droogs and meet me at the milk bar!

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hello Onstar?"

Best of attmay
The side effects of chemotherapy were particularly devastating on one M. Poppins of London, England.

Best of attmay
Rodgers and Hammerstein's lost musical "The Psycho Chick and I" is seldom revived for a reason.



Hat Tip: The Superficial

Got Camel Lactate?


1. "Hey, leave some of that coke for Ms. Lohan!"

2. "I am so glad you answered our 'Craigslist' ad, Ms Spears."

3. "Don't be ridiculous, we can't have a picnic. Where are we going to get a tablecloth?"

4. "Hey! Somebody put too much Nutrasweet in this camel semen."

5. "Hey! Stop throwing rings at my head! I'm trying to do coke, here."


Best of Jack Reacher
We've secretly replaced his regular China White with generic heroin. Let's see if he notices.

Best of Double the U
We secretly replace these restaurant patrons goat cheese with cheese made from pigs milk, lets watch their reaction.

Best of jeff
"That guy behind me pissed in it, didn't he?"

Best of Van Helsing
"Why are there moustache hairs in the goat's milk?"

Best of Submariner
What do you mean by "It's Kosher?"

Best of Submariner
"Run out of Dunkin Stix!" MAy the fleas of a thousand camels infest your scrotal area.

Best of prince of leaves
"Insha'allah Whip: perfect for every desert dessert."

Best of Submariner
"You look like you just gave a blowjob." Very frickin' funny, Khalil. Cut his head off Ahmed.

Hat Tip: Brender
Source: Roto-Reuters/Stephanie McGehee

Thursday, February 22, 2007

We All Pod For iPod

1. "Hello, Mr. Bond." "Hello, iPodpussy."

2. The iPod later sold on eBay for $50,000 to a bidder with the handle "HRC2008."

3. Setting your iPod to vibrate is what's known as giving yourself a "Steve Job."

4. On Wednesdays and Fridays, they swap positions and Mr. iPod does the tits while Mr. Slinky works the box.

5. Ironically, her playlist includes "The Honeydrippers," "Faster Pussycat," "Phish," "The Lotus Eaters," "Kissing the Pink," "Fountains of Wayne," "Jimmy Eat World," "Joy Division," "Squirrel Nut Zippers..."

Best of nevergrewup
The makers of Tales From the Crypt proudly announce their new program Tunes From the Twat.

Best of WALSTIB
Plug and Play

Best of Submariner
I didn't know that iPod had come out with a "scratch and sniff" model...

Best of Submariner
Rumor has it that this is the photo that caused Bill Gates to realize, "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em."

Best of prince of leaves
Introducing the new iPod Poonano.

Best of divine miss m
PodKnockers.

Best of Occasional Reader
If you pay for the Premium Edition of the SI Swimsuit number, she models the Shuffle.

Best of Jeff
Andrew Sullivan: "She's going to damage the electronics if she isn't careful."



HT: Ev, Apparently from Sports Titillated

Just to Complement the Thursday Babe


Best of Jason
Yeah, but I can still punch the clown!

Best of Grr
Pee Wee Herman suddenly felt unwelcome.

Best of jeff
Note that it's perfectly allowable between 12am and 12pm...

Best of sonicfrog
Hmmmm, looks like I'll have to make adjustments to my daily planner...

Best of sonicfrog
Well, the new regulations absolutely ruined Andrew Sullivan's vacation!

Best of prince of leaves
Wouldn't it have been easier to just write "George Michael not allowed!"?

Best of prince of leaves
If you get caught, just claim you couldn't read the sign because you're "rebus impaired".

Best of Van Helsing
Someone needs to post these signs in front of Daily Kos.

Best of attmay
A Hillary Clinton rally in the area quickly made this sign's point moot.

Best of Submariner
"Boobs Not Bombs" members have once again demonstrated their tenuous grasp of reality...

Hat Tip: Aridog

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Bend Him Like Beckham


1. "Sorry, mate, but ever since Friday's pic, Harry Potter movies just get me hot."

2. "Soccer? A sport for sissies? Oooh, when I get done here, you are going to get such a bitch-slap, Tim Hardaway."

3. "George Takei throws the bestest housewarming parties!"

4. "You just know those Cap This weirdoes I going to imply that I'm buggering you, instead of applying a life-saving Heimlich maneuver to bring up all the semen you ingested in the team locker room."

5. "Hi Posh! I was just demonstrating what a Californian means when he says 'Trust me.' "

Best of Rodney Dill
GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and Number 46 Enters the Game."

Best of GOP & College
What's Beckham doing to that player? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

Best of Submariner
That's something you don't see every day; a multi-millionaire with the courtesy to give a reach-around...

Best of Submariner
It isn't what it looks like, Posh - I'm just helping Harris search for his Vodaphone...

Best of Double the U
Wooops, sorry mate just looking for my lost contact, if you want me to stop over at your place later and look for it again let me know.... cheers!



Hat Tip: Miss M, Divine, The
Source: TMZ

Dawn Bait


1. Whoopi was thrilled when the Pistons went all the way.

2. No matter how many times saw it, Whoopi was always astonished when Hillary whipped it out.

3. Nice. Making fun of a woman who saw Hillary's genitals as a little girl and was scarred for life. Learn her story. Educate yourselfs, morons.

4. Every sixteen seconds in America, another African-American suddenly realizes that OJ really did do it.

5. ORA "Ha! In your face, Jean-Paul Sartre."

Best of Rodney Dill
Cynthia McKinney suddenly realizes she has misplaced her identification again.

Best of Van Helsing
"…that turnstile striking my groin is giving me feelings I've never felt before…"

Best of Jonathan
"Calm down, Sharmell. I said that was 'OBAMA', not 'OSAMA', getting on our flight!"

Best of Submariner
What the heck is an Avalon Manor? Ohmuhgawd!!!

Best of Jack Reacher
And remember, Tuesday is Zombie Day on the E Train.

Best of WALSTIB
Dawn? Out shoplifting again today?

Best of Frank IBC
The bag contains several jars of Hyena Butter.

Best of Double the U
Hollywood still fresh out of ideas makes yet another remake of The Fly this time starting Whoopie Goldberg.

\

Hat Tip: Franco d'IBC

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Angry Hill

1. "This one will do!" Hillary proclaimed before sinking her fangs into the boys' neck and feasting on his warm, rich blood."

2. "Let me take a good look at you. Hmmm, not bad. Like a young Rosie O'Donnell. Do you have a sister, little boy?"

3. "When I'm president, you'll be able to rat out your parents for counter-revolutionary activities and have them shot. Won't that be fun?"

4. "Ohmigawd, it tried to touch me! Get it away! Get it away!"

5. "Hm, cleft chin, puffy eyes. Could be one of Bill's. Throw him in a landfill and pay off the little mongoloid's family."

6. "You must be the little retarded boy from Boise, I've heard so much about."

7. Her aides panicked. "Damn it! She's not supposed to feed on the flesh of the living when there are cameras about."

8. "Thank you so much for your endorsement, Mr. DeVito. It means the world to me."

9. "And once, Chelsea said 'But socialism has never worked,' so I grabbed her and shook her like this."

10. "Bunt? Runt? Shunt? Damn it, tell me what this label is referring to or I'll rip your mongoloid throat out."

Best of Jonathan
"Dammit, Jorgé, stop guessing what she is and just give her the f#*&in' Crazy Candy!"

Best of Jonathan
Jorgé is wondering "Where the Sam Hillary did her neck go?"

Best of Jonathan
"Why should you vote for me? Do the words 'Vince Foster' mean anything to you?"

Best of Capt. Queeg
"So, Jorge, did you ever see that scene in Alien where Harry Dean Stanton is looking for the cat?..."

Best of curly
“Welcome to America, Jorge. Do you know how I can reach that saucy little fence jumper that I heard about last week?”

Best of curly
“We welcome all the illegals…our soylent green could use some spices.”

Best of curly
Illegal Mexican boys, willing to be touched by the politicians that American boys refuse to be near.

Best of Silhouette
"I see you already have your hat in the correct position. Now, on your knees."

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Always remember: the Corps is mother, the Corps is...the other mother."

Best of prince of leaves
Pulling the rug out from under John Edwards, Hillary takes time out from campaigning to heal cripples with a laying on of hands.

Best of prince of leaves
When asked later in life when exactly he caught the gay, Jorge would blame it on the lapdance he got from Hillary backstage at a campaign rally.

Best of Jack Reacher
I was once a pudgy little boy like you, you know.

Best of bubbalove
Susan the young Wiccan apprentice watched with glee but with impotent rage, Terry the Secret Service agent averted his eyes yet again as Hill-elzebub opened her gaping maw and quickly sucked the life-force out of her latest innocent victim!

Best of Cricket
As the Death Eaters kept watch, Lady Voldemort selected her final Horcrux.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Dennis Kuchinich, It's so good to see you again."

Best of Van Helsing
A moment later, Shrillary sated herself by sucking the kid's brains out through the eye socket.

Best of Adjustah
"See, I do have the heart of a small child. Now how do I get it out of her?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes I do have a prick... his name is Bill."

Best of Submariner
Ah, the Farce is strong in this young one. I can use him for my machinations of galactic conquest...



Hat Tip: Knowledge Is Power (again)

See No Evil

1. Cindy Lou learns the hard way about the venom sac in Senator Clinton's throat.

2. "I did *not* see a bulge in her pants. I did *not* see a bulge in her pants."

3.Schlump. Schlump. Gulp. "So, voters, clearly if I am tough enough to, ha-ha, rip out the eyes of a toddler and eat them on C-SPAN Live, I am tough enough to, ha-ha, deal with 'Evil Men,' ha-ha."

4. "See what happens when you spray it directly into their eyes? 'No More Tears' my gigantic ass!"

5. "Little Cindy Lou is just one of the thousands of horrific SuperGlue victims who will be protected by my new legislation."

6. They thought Cindy Lou was just being silly, until Hillary opened the Ark of the Covenant.

7. Cindy Lou didn't give a damn what the shrill dyke was yammering on about, she was too busy preparing for her Oedipus audition.

8. "I see my good friend Rosie O'Donnell has just joined the 'Boobs for Peace' movement."

9. "So, you're what... seven? And you're still playing peek-a-boo? Let me tell you how I'm going to increase Special Education funding for little mongoloids like you."

10. Cindy Lou thought, Ohmigawd, does she even listen to herself while she spews that neo-communist claptrap? I'm embarrassed to be a girl.

Best of andthenblammo!
"But I don't want to have two mommies!"

Best of andthenblammo!
"I don't care how famous that little Dutch boy is, I'm not putting my finger in that!"

Best of curly
“Make it go away Daddy! Make it go away!”

Best of curly
“It rubs the lotion in its eyes, or its squeezed by my thunderous thighs.”

Best of Van Helsing
Shrillary's open fly resulted in severe psychiatric trauma for little Cindy Lou.

Best of WALSTIB
"Butt I don't want to wear the buttless chaps, again!"

Best of Submariner
Thought bubble; "...it's only a tail... it's only a tail... it's only..."

Best of curly
“…and when I’m President, we’ll not only allow partial birth abortions but infanticide up to age six, which would include this whiny little Mongoloid right here.”

Best of Double the U
"MOM! Zee goggles, they do nothing!

Best of prince of leaves
Though President-for-Life Hillary claimed she was doing it "for the children", little Cindy Lou just couldn't watch as David Horowitz and Katherine Harris were dragged up against the wall and shot.

Best of prince of leaves
"And of course, without the advances in stem-cell technology made possible by my work in the Senate, donor clones like Cindy Lou here wouldn't have been possible..."

Best of prince of leaves
Where will you be when your "OMIGOD! I LOOKED INTO ITS SOULLESS EYES!!!!!" kicks in?

Best of Double the U
Mommy that monster that hides under my bed at night is standing right in front of me!

Best of Jack Reacher
Senator Clinton tells a little girl "You could grow up to be just like me," unintentionally costing the girl's parents thousands of dollars in therapy bills.

Best of Double the U
Mommy, Mommy (sob) do all girls hips grow up to be that wide?

Hat Tip: Sondra K

Monday, February 19, 2007

Another Kennedy Scumwad Playing with His Hose



1. "Everybody now... 'it puts the lotion on its skin...' "

2. "Uncle Teddy? Your daily vodka tanker is here."

3. "Reverend Sharpton? Your hair oil is here."

4. "Ranch dressing delivery for an ... R O'Donnell?"

5. "Thanks for helping out in Uncle Teddy's annual 'hose off.' Now, who brought the rags tied to sticks to get into his fat crevasses."

6. "And we won't rest until we've pumped glorious communism into every American home!"

7. "Tell the ice cream freighters to stand down. Mr. Moore decided he just wants hot fudge pumped directly into his maw."

8. "Mrs. Clinton's hips are still stuck in the doorway. One of you peasants will have to get another tanker of Jergen's Lotion."

9. "KY delivery for a Mr. A Sullivan?"

10. "Normally, it would be wrong to pump 50,000 gallons of raw sewage directly into Boston Harbor, but ... I'm a Kennedy!"

Best of Brian in MA
"Ted Kennedy's Guantanamo reform bill requires the DoD to remove the velvet chains that separates detainees from thier orange chicken and rice pilaf."

Best of The Man
"Ask not what your country can do for you...ask what you can do to embarrass your country while propping up a dictator"

Best of The Man
I have a delivery of the gay for a Mr. Weir.

Best of Van Helsing
"This new superpower vacuum goes directly into the taxpayer's pocket."

Best of Rodney Dill
Homeland Security Public Service Announcment 347: "Know your Enema"

Best of Submariner
Paxil delivery for B. Spears; and for every 10K units, you get a free wig!

Best of curly
“Here’s the first delivery of your anal bead order, Mr. Sullivan. The beach ball sized beads are in the truck behind us.”

Best of curly
“Look Rufus, I know that you’re the only one without orange gloves, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m racist.”

Best of Silhouette
Volvo-driving Dems reach out to young urban voters. "Look, we've brought some hose, as you are always singing about."

Best of Submariner
Botox delivery for Speaker Pelosi...

Best of affablerants
"...I know! And to think, this is just the seltzer hose for Sen. Kennedys' morning cocktail..."

Best of affablerants
"What are YOU complaining about ya lazy ass ? I voted to increase welfare didn't I ? Why are 'you people' so uppity ?"

Best of affablerants
"Hey Washington, I know we 'bumped into each other' at the raquettclub showers the other day, but can you knock it off with the ironic comparisons already ?"


Hat Tip: Michigan-Mat

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Wouldn't it be cool if her face froze like that?

1. "Who! Does! Number Two! Work for!"

2. "Botox treatments... wearing off... face snapping back... the pain! the pain!"

3. "I don't know who Elizabeth is, but Mrs Pelosi sure is happy to be going to wherever she is.

4. "When did queefing get so competitive?"

5. "Told ya. Ben-Gay in the Kotex dispenser works every time."

6. Pelosi suffers a sudden flashback to the Democratic Womyn's Leather Retreat, when she walked in on Hillary in the shower and found out that was no strap-on!

7. Then, unexpectedly one morning, Pelosi developed a conscience, and the guilt from years of destroying America and undermining the troops caught up with her in one fell swoop.

8. "Can't you kids see Grandma Nanny is on the crapper?"

9. "Kids, Granma Nanny can no longer feel her face because of the botox and she has to talk to the nice reporters. Am i smiling or is my face contorted in a horrifying death rictus?"

10. "Arrrgh! Those horrible flags! Like crucifixes to a vampire, they are!"

Best of Lyn
"Get off my foot."

Best of Van Helsing
Once the full moon began to rise, nothing Pelousy could do would stop the transformation.

Best of Brian in MA
Giddy, Pelosi shouted in ecstacy: "Hey little Mexican boy and other assorted day laborers, er, minorities, do you need a job after school? I know a great vineyard you can work at!"

Best of Adjustah
"Melting! I'm melting..."

Best of curly
Trying to stay hip and with it when it comes to ass ornaments, Granny Babs is still not quite comfortable with the newly installed black license plate on her butt.

Best of curly
“Yes Satan, I hear you loud and clear! Can you turn the volume down a bit, Sir?”

Best of WALSTIB
"That's the last time I leave home with Depends Lite."

Best of Submariner
Must.Resist.Urge.To.Fondle.Pert.Asian.Buttocks...

Best of Submariner
If I was on MY plane I wouldn't HAVE to sit in the middle of these little snot-gobblers...

Best of attmay
"Okay, Nan. You can do it. You CAN go a whole day without eating a small child. One day at a time, Nan," she thought to herself.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Shoulda checked that my Gyno removed the speculum BEFORE I left her office...

Best of prince of leaves
"Get...out...of my...miiiinnnndddd!!!"

Best of prince of leaves
"I wanna be first in line! I wanna be first in line! I wanna be first in line! How come I never get to be first in line?!?" -- Nancy Pelosi, reenacting the childhood moment when she decided to become a Democrat politician.

Best of prince of leaves
Speaker Pelosi grew increasingly agitated when she repeatedly failed to lure the children into her oven.

Best of Submariner
Next on Montel: When home clitoridectomies go bad.

Hat Tip: Knowledge is Power

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Thanks, eHarmony


1. Sully ... oh, who the hell cares.

2. "Could we double-check the new coach's credentials? I'm almost certain there's no such place as Neverland University."

3. "Bad news, Tommy. We did our best, but Thursdays are staying hetero."

4. Whenever his team fell behind, Coach Sullivan would inspire them by looking deep into their eyes and tenderly crooning Kenny Rogers' "Lady."

5. "Your buttocks were looking particularly pert and saucy out there today."

Best of Double the U
You know every time I feel bad I go to Krispy Kreme and get a dozen donuts, it always helps me feel better, ya wanna go with me?

Best of prince of leaves
Scott always felt a vague twinge of guilt when he had to wrestle against the team from the special needs adult education center.

Best of prince of leaves
"Guess it runs in the family, eh, Coach Latourneau?"

Best of prince of leaves
"The college recruiters are here, so do your best to win that scholarship. You don't want to end up stuck in Iraq like John Kerry warned, do you?"

Best of curly
“Just like we practiced at home, only this time you have your clothes on.”

Best of curly
An image from the 2007 NAMBLA calendar, which by custom only has two months included – May and December.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
"...yes, Scott; when you got a tool like this, you gotta build a shed over it."

Best of Silhouette
Worst. Princess Leia Costume. Ever.

Best of Double the U
Look, you gave it your best, but maybe the world isn't ready for a one white man show of The Color Purple.

Best of sonicfrog
Motivational speech by coach: "If you don't win, you'll end up getting fat and bloated like me..."

Better motivational speech by coach: "If you don't win, you'll have to sleep with me!!!"

Best of WALSTIB
"Scott, I'm carrying your baby"

Hat Tip: Fred Miranda

Friday, February 16, 2007

Harry Potter and the Bareass Booty Shot




1. "Y-M-C-A... it's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A..."

2. "Senior Week" at Hogwarts is traditionally a time of smoke bombs, pranks, and soon-to-be-graduates running around naked yelling, "Want to make some magic with my staff?"

3. Andrew Sullivan presents, Harry Potter and the Bareback Bathhouse.

4. "And with this spell, I will ruin every romantic couple's picture in the world!"

5. "All right! I made it! Now, to get busy with Sarah Connor and destroy that T1000!"

6."Somehow, it just feels right to conduct Ravel's Bolero naked."

7. "Whoa? The last thing I remember was Barney Frank handing me a Roofie Colada. Now, I wake up, surrounded by pot smoke, with a twenty dollar bill on my night stand and a size six poop chute."

8. "Okay, now I can count to 21."

9. "Hogwarts has been clothing-optional ever since Sully took over from Dumbledore. Also, he kicked out all of the girls."

10. "Come back Hermione! It's just shrinkage!"

Best of The Man
Barney Frank just loves when his interns play nude 2-hand touch football....

Best of Submariner
All hail K!
All hail K!

Best of Submariner
"Turn around, dammit!" Andrew frequently irritated other theatre patrons by screaming at the screen...

Best of curly
“If you can read the numbers on the black license plate attached to my ass, then you’re gay.”

Best of curly
Bone of the actor, willingly shown. Flesh of the savant, willingly sacrificed. Pants of the looney left, forcibly taken. The Dark Lord shall rise again.

Best of curly
Daniel Radcliffe’s urologist reports that the star of Harry Potter had “the worst case of penile hogwarts that I’ve ever seen.”

Best of prince of leaves
Hermione: "No wait, Harry! The potion calls for mandrake root, not man-root!"

Best of prince of leaves
Harry doesn't get killed in "The Deathly Hallows", but he does get expelled from Hogwarts just before graduation due to an unseemly incident involving a case of butterbeer and an underage house elf.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No I haven't seen Sully's new ice cream hot fudge dispenser."

Best of sonicfrog
Harry Potter poses for the upcoming Rush album...

Best of sonicfrog
Daniel Radcliffe auditions for the role of Robbie Williams.

Best of attmay
Get aload of THESE, Elizabeth Montgomery!

Best of Adjustah
Harry was not spared the Potter curse of peeing smoke after age 16.

Best of Cricket
Only the Heir of Slytherin can control it.


Hat tip: Right-Wing Conspirator
I Got Your Source Right here

Why Does Some Assol Always Have to Ruin the Picture?


1. Rectum? Damn near killed him!

2. Sully disapproves of "breeders" crashing his Oscar party.

3. "Hey, can I get a 5/8 inch wrench back here?"

4. How to tell when you're watching REALLY low-budget pr0n.

5. "Um, Jen, is your dad drunk, or just out of the closet?"

Best of Submariner
Ahmadinejihad thought to himself; "I've NEVER seen anything so SHAMELESS in my life! Why is her face uncovered?"

Best of wcbeav
Gee, your hair smells like ....

Best of curly
Bored with such objects as butt plugs, fists, anal beads and phallic vegetables, Andrew Sullivan tries to assuage his anal fixation with human head plunges.

Best of curly
Bobbing for dingle berries, tonight on ‘Lives of the Sick and Disgusting’.

Best of Rodney Dill
Beavis and ...

Best of Adjustah
Despite the drunken inspiration Ben and Jerry's interns could find no way to get "Dan's Dingleberries" past the FDA.

Best of Adjustah
Ron, Hermione and Harry pose for another publicity shot...

Best of attmay
♪ Moon river, wider than a mile... ♪

Best of curly
The worst case of humanoids that I ever saw.

Hat tip: Air Force Wife @ Discarded Lies

Have I Done This One Before?



1. Val's Day in Teheran. No decadent western cards or candy, just lots of wholesome halal butt-sex.

2. Ahmadinejihad is accustomed to being 'accommodated' by the US State Department.

3. "72 Virgins for the one who finds my contact lens!"

4. Unable to get enough uranium for a nuclear weapon, Ahmadinejihad sees what he can manage with a hundred martyrs, a thousand Taco Bell burritos, and a Zippo.

5. "And your last meal was sniff kebab with sheep and a side of cabbage..." Ahmaddinejihad still hoped Letterman would book him on 'Stupid People Tricks.'

Best of Van Helsing
Mad Mahmoud wonders how many butts he could kick and then get out the door without anyone seeing who did it.

Best of curly
Ahmadinejihad seems perplexed as to which of his submissive 72 virgins would enjoy his attentions first.

Best of curly
Beheadings are red, my balls are blue,
Here in the back of the mosque, I’m thinking of you.

Best of Straight8
How many more do we need? Just one and we have the Guiness record? Gotcha, I'm goin' in.

Best of Submariner
Ahmadinejihad's thought bubble; "I hope to Allah that nobody ate at the 'Colon Blow Cafe' for lunch..."

Best of The Pink Hammer
I don't know what they're doing, one of them said a U.S. diplomat told them to kiss their asses goodbye?

Best of prince of leaves
"Aww, mom, do I have to bend over and smell their stinky behinds?" After a particularly spicy falafel dinner, Armanidinnerjacket's nightmares take him back to his abusive childhood.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I sure hope Dr. Akmed was right when he said our nuclear program needed a critical ass."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Psst, hey Kobe, They're all open, but don't tell Hardaway."

Best of WALSTIB
"Did him, did him, did him, oh yeah, boy did I do him, did him....Hey! I didn't get a hurumph out of that guy!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

She Shoots, She Scores


Best of tuffbeingright
"Let's PUCK!"

Best of tuffbeingright
Impressive stick-handling in the slot left the goalie so mesmerized, she blew her tryout with the Anaheim Ducks.

Best of Submariner
G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-GOAL!!!!! vw - igglpoo

Best of S.P.
"My, what a huge Zamboni you have!"

Best of Rodney Dill
zam-bone-me

Best of Submariner
Here's the plan; SOTG and V da K - you take the wings, I'll take center, dump and follow - I crash the net, I score... if it's as good as I suspect, I'm going for the hat trick.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Knowing absolutely nothing of the hockey world, SOTG wonders how all the captions about a half-naked babe caught in the fishing net apply.

Best of chunkstyle
Senator Clinton's intern training had forever left Trixie vulnerable to giving up the five hole.

Best of The Man
...and after his shot was blocked and his team lost the game, Johhny Weir never played hockey again.

Best of divine miss m
Careful or you'll all get benched for excessive high-sticking.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Pardon me, but I need to go put on my "I heart boobies" t-shirt...

Best of curly
Obviously an ‘exhibition game’.

She was a fine hockey person, but prone to ‘ragging’.

Best of lawhawk
Marty Brodeur knew he was in trouble when his sister in law came to the rink one night...

Best of racerboy
"Alright, guys, now who's the joker who put the ball gag in my goalie mask???"



Yeah, I kind of hit "publish" instead of "Save as Draft." So, consider it a free for all.

OK, So, I Need a Thursday Babe, I Put "Boobies" into Google Search, and I Get This


1. "And on the Fifth Day, God said, 'Let there be boobies!'"

2. The Latest Scandal at Oral Roberts University: Strip Bible Trivia.

3. "Actually, quoting scripture like that is much cooler when it comes from Samuel L. Jackson than from a geeky white boy."

4. "... because a black man would never give up a rib! Ha! Oh, Come on, Senator Byrd thought that was hilarious."

5. And then, Rick remembered his roommates' names were 'Adam' and 'Steve,' and realized God was sending him a sign.

6. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend, but most men would still go with boobies.

7. Rick just never quite got into the spirit of Family Home Evening.

8. "Smokin', Drinkin', and Boobies are all okay. The William Shatner Translation of the Bible kicks ass!"

9. "Father Flanagan, if I were even the least bit interested, would I be wearing this shirt?"

10. "Hey, as soon as I realized that the walking, talking, queefing embodiment of PMS was probably going to be the next president, I quit smoking and drinking, picked up my Bible, and made sure God knew I wasn't gay."

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

More Val Day Riffing

1. "Roses are red/Burqas are black/With All of My Love/You big shapeless sack."

2. Maureen Dowd and Amanda Marcotte didn't want anyone to know they had to buy their own Valentines, so they went incognito.

3. "Nope, this one's 'to my hairless boy,' too."

4. "You realize, all I have to do is say one word to the imam about you being here and your ass is honor-killed."

5. "Fatima, I don't care what Miss Manners says, you don't have to send a card to the guy who raped you, even if he is your brother."

Best of jeff
"Hey, this one says 'To my master' ...what is BDSM?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Wow, so that's how long 6" really is."

Best of Double the U
The "Masked Avenger" comic #3 is finally out!

Best of sonicfrog
Ooooooh Look! This one is so racey! It shows an eye brow!!!

Best of Silhouette
Lisa and Tonya took the "secret" part of Secret Shopper very seriously.

Best of Silhouette
When you CAIR enough to wear an exploding vest

Best of Silhouette
"Another one that says "from your wife", not "wives." Darnnit, where's the polygamy section?"

Best of attmay
Hey Fatima, how about this one? It says "Roses are red, violets are blue, Let's go to Israel and kill us a Jew."

Best of Double the U
Oh look, this month issue of Good Tent Keeping has decorative ideas for your bruises.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have 72 virgins waiting,
So I don't need you.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Your bra has no lace,
Your legs have no garter,
I love you like humus,
My featureless martyr.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
*sigh* "Mahdi, this card probably would have been quite romantic... If only they'd have allowed me to learn to read."



HTip: Brendawalker

Val's Day at Cap This!

Step 1, Google Image Search "Valentine's Day." Step 2, Pick the most inappropriate pic you can find. Step 3, Write sick, sick captions about it.



1. "Would you feel more comfortable with inter-racial pedophilia if I told you I was a Kennedy?"

2. "Wait 'til you see the gift I got you, Emmanuel." "It's not your dick-in-a-box again is it?"

3. "Yes, I got you candy. It's in my van. You know, like the time we first met? I thought it would be more romantic that way."

4. "Did you get me chocolate? You know that goes straight to my ass. Speaking of which..."

5. "These places are so phony."

6. "I hate you."

7. "Screw the Taliban Manual, I want you in my tent right now!"

8. "Back off, Meatwad. I saw him first!"

9. "A paper plate Valentine written with your own blood? We may have passed a boundary, here."

10. "Screw eHarmony. Myspace is where the action is."

Best of Submariner
Thanks Mr. Reaves. I always wanted a crunk of cardboard...

Best of Submariner
So you want to kiss me right there? Why?

Best of divine miss m
NAMBLA's Valentine's day parties are waitlisted well in advance.


Source


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Tea Room of the August Moon


1. Amanda Marcotte finally finds an environment suitable to her blogging style.

2. "2/13/2007, 9:36 a.m., 1.2 pounds, brownish green with slight yellow discoloration on the edges..."

3. "I'll be out in a minute, mom," Thursday afternoons with Dwight the Troubled Teen.

4. "ORA? What the hell is an ORA?"

5. "Dear Al Gore, I'd like to tell you about my TOTAL COMMITMENT to avoiding non-recycled paper products, and why my laptop smells."

6. "... and therefore the stinking brown residue of the Bush administration should be wiped from the cheeks of America." It was always easy to tell when Sullivan was blogging from a rest area on I-95.

7. "Hey, can I help it if this is the only Wi-Fi hot spot in all Quebec?"

8. "Wow! The sh*tters on Air Pelosi are huge!"

9. Sullivan fumed. "You'd come off 'deranged' too if you had to blog while being fisted in the restroom at a Flying J truck stop."

10. Totally and hopelessly dependent on government, the young democrat emails Ted Kennedy demanding that the toilet paper in the stall be restocked immediately.

Best of The Man
Finally in Season 7, Jack Bauer comes down with a bad case of the runs and has to save the world the only way he can.

Best of Jeff
Who knew that Glenn Reynolds wore flip-flops and had such shapely hands?

Best of Submariner
"Here I sit all brokenhearted..." Leaving graffiti on a friend's My Space page just wasn't quite as satisfying as using a Sharpie.

Best of divine miss m
When multitasking goes too far.

Best of curly
“…and the rough proletariat toilet paper scraped my tender young bunghole in a manner reminiscent of Ganges Kahn.“

Best of sonicfrog
...and people called MY blog shitty...

Best of Jack Reacher
Some submissions for Microsoft's "Where will you go today" advertising campaign were immediately rejected.

Best of ThatGayConservative
"To Immodium, Soooooo when is this s'posed to kick in?"

Best of curly
As he got his porn site’s traveling web cam going, young James was both delighted and disgusted to discover that people would actually pay good money to watch him take a dump.

Best of curly
How Hillary Clinton's speech writers find their inspiration.

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
"Heylo and Good Afternoon. My name is Sanji Bascaravalamavindaloo, but you may call me 'Petey.' How may I help you with your technical service question today?

Best of Jonathan
"Who does Number Two work for?!?"

Hat Tip: Evariste

The Biggest Boob You'll See on a Day That Ain't Thursday

1. "We got to take off our 'respectacles' today. Nobody respects you, Mr. Kucinich."

2. Kucinich regales students with a recreation of one of his many sobriety tests.

3. "And the reason Cleveland went bankrupt when I was mayor was because I raised spending all the way up to here."

4. "So, as you see, my 'wings' only stretch about four feet. Now, the hole allegedly made in the Pentagon on 9-11 would have to be 11 feet. Think about it!"

5. Secret Karl "My Kid Is Too Good For Manual Labor" Rove plant Sheila uses her white hat and poofy hair to create a subliminal message about Kucinich.

6. "Yeah, kids! Lick the little pictures of Mickey Mouse and you can fly like Uncle Dennis!"

7. "Now, my arms are a little short, but this should give you some idea of why Hillary has to walk sideways through double doors."

8. "Well, Billy, come back to the campaign bus and I'll tell you why I'm a 60 year old lifelong bachelor. Wear something tight."

9."Roooowwwrrrrrr! Look kids! I'm Nancy Pelosi's personal luxury 757, flying back to Cali with Nancy and a load of trial lawyers and Star-Kist executives. Rooooowwwwwrrrr!"

10. Billy wondered if all politicians were this baked 24-7, or just Democrats.

Best of Van Helsing
Standing on a chair, Kooksinitch is almost as tall as a grownup.

Best of Submariner
Whoa! Energetic little tyke, isn't he - did you give him Puppy Uppers®? Somebody please take him off my leg...

Best of Rodney Dill
A 3 and 1/2 flip with a twist around reality in the pike position and he sticks the landing.

Best of curly
Dennis Kucinich demostrates the family-friendly definition of "light in the loafers".

Best of curly
Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich lets loose and loses votes, tonight’s on ‘Farts of the Rich and Famous’.

Best of Curly
“While others offer plans that might best be summed up as ‘cut and run’, I call my Iraq strategy ‘cut and sashay’.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No we will not refer to you as 'Major Tom.'"

Best of Double the U
Dennis Kucinich demonstrated to followers how he became the father of Anna Nichol Smith's baby.

Best of attmay
Mr. Rourke/Tattoo 2008


Hat Tip: Headmistress SondraK

Monday, February 12, 2007

Those Inscrutable Asians and Their Whacky Cooking Shows


1. "Awesome Hillary Face, Yoshi!"

2. Bird's nest milkshakes are considered a delicacy in Japan.

3. "♪When you wish upon a star ♪... whirr... Arrrgh!"

4. "Ah! Bush Never Mention New Orreans in the State of the Union!"

5. "Lemmiwinks... no-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

6. Die-hard Lost fans isolate another subliminal image from last week's 'Clockwork Orange' sequence.

7. "Forget about cockroaches in brender for now! Purr my finger!"

8. "You fool! I almost stepped in that!"

9. ORA Since he refused to pay the ransom, Harry Kim and Keiko O'Brien had no choice but to puree Picard's lionfish.

10. "Hey, when I said 'Just throw some sh*t in a blender... this is *exactly* what I meant!"

Best of prince of leaves
"No honey! No puree Cthulu in blender! Make big demonic mess all over kitchen!"

Best of Submariner
Gerbil's last thought bubble; "The suspense is KILLING meeeeeee*

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hamster still moving!! hit puree! hit puree!"

Best of Rodney Dill
What happens when Aerosmith songs are taken literally, "Just Press Puree, f'in A."

Best of curly
“That will teach Hermie the Hamster to poop on the floor!”

Best of attmay
Meet Torikyu, the Japanese John Wayne Bobbitt.

Best of attmay
Number 21 on the list of things the Japanese are just no damn good at: Making snowglobes.

Best of prince of leaves
Lord of the Japanese blogosphere Grenn Leynords teaches his wife Dr. Herren the secrets of puppy blending.

Best of Van Helsing
"I put it in reverse, but your pet guinea pig isn't going back together!"

Best of Dave Munger
Tune in for another exciting episode of - Is This Some Kind Of Porn Or Not?

Hat Tip: Timmeh!

Yeah, Can't You Wait For This to be Yammering at you Every Day for 4 to 8 Years?

1. "Es ist Zeit für Rache. Wir Mussen Die Juden Ausrotten!" - Hillary's speeches to the Muslim-American Alliance were somewhat more passionate than her speeches to Hillel.

2. "And then I grabbed him by the collar and said, 'Damn it, you fat stupid hilljack, I SAW HER FIRST!'"

3. "And I'd like to take his smirking Halfrican head and bash it into a cement wall until he remembers who's in charge around here."

4. Hillary's impassioned recital of the entire Vagina Monologues script brought tears to the eyes of the Democratic Womyn's Leather Retreat.

5. Got Bitch?

6. "Tomorrow, my sisters, we rise up and slaughter everything with testicles!"

7. "... and I said no way was that SanFran hootchie going to have a bigger jet than me!"

8. "And if you Hugo Chavez can have absolute power, why not me? After all, mine's bigger!"

9. "That's not funny!" Hillary responds negatively to a reporter's question on how many feminists it takes to change a lightbulb.

10. "I don't need blog-skanks from the slutroots, I can hate the Christ0fascist godbags all by myself!"
Best of WALSTIB
YES. Put em BOTH in me! Like THIS!

Best of Van Helsing
"And if you don't let me be President, my angry screeching will shatter your eardrums!"

Best of Submariner
BALLS!

Best of curly
"I did not have sex with that woman"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Best of Targetpractice
"I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Barack Obama, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES! "

Best of Silhouette
"Dammit, I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby!!!"

Best of Submariner
Oh yeah; we want THIS controling the nuclear launch codes...

Best of Rodney Dill
The more helium she inhaled the more frenetic and panicked Hillary became.

Best of prince of leaves
The Clinton campaign went bankrupt within months, after having to replace every window within a mile of one of Shrillary's glass shattering stump speeches.

Best of prince of leaves
"Errrrrgghhhhh! Aarrrrrrrghhhh! Unnnggggghhhh! [queeeeeef!] Ah, that's better!"

Best of curly
"It takes a village or it gets the hose again!"

Best of Grr
"And I--I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I will always love YOU--U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U!"

Best of Dave Munger
- And if health care isn't nationalised, we'll all end up LIVING IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!

- And we'll win Iowa, and New Hampshire, and the Sudentenland, and then we'll liberate Palestine from the Zionist entity, YEAARG!



Source: WashTimes
Hat Tip: Van Helsing

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Getting Gay With Kids

(Real Caption) Students in teacher MB's classroom have been wearing their “respectacles” as they learn lessons on character education from Social Worker JB. In this program, these young thoughtful students discuss ways to handle hurt feelings and to resolve conflicts “without hands and feet.”

1. "Who needs testicles, when you've got respectacles?"

2. Ironically, most of the hitch-hikers Billy would later pick-up would also be found "without hands and feet."

3. "These 'beer goggles' aren't cuttin' it. You're still not Debra LaFave."

4. "Wouldn't it have been easier just to write 'dork' on our foreheads with Magic Markers?"

5. While the rest of the class just felt dorky, Billy fretted that the respectacles would never go with the fabulous pumps he had seen at 9 West.

Best of Submariner
"Sally! Only whores and left-wing bloggers queef like that!"

Best of prince of leaves
One of the first things the children learned to respect was JB's phonic tic, which made her twitch her lips and exclaim "What's up, Doc?" at random intervals.

Best of prince of leaves
MB was later investigated when the class progressed from respectacles to tolerance teddies and multicultural cat-suits.

Best of Double the U
BILLY'S A FAG! BILLY'S A FAG... hey Billy, you wouldn't punch a guy wearing respectacles would you?

Best of attmay
Mrs. Schmidlapp's 2nd grade class celebrates Black History Month by dressing up like Steve Urkel.

Best of curly
At the DailyKOS day care, the youngsters have to study hard if they wish to graduate to the tin foil hats.

Best of curly
“No sweetie, you don’t look gay in the glasses. Not any gayer than little Eddy or young Robert does, that is.”

Best of Submariner
ehhhh, I KNEW I shoulda taken a left at Albuquerque...

Best of attmay
Unbeknownst to all but her closest friends, Rue McClanahan has a retarded twin sister named Sue who lives in a group home in Kalamazoo.

Best of Submariner
As part of his community service plea-bargain, Paul Williams was assigned to be an assistant at Judy's Special Ed Day Care.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Semi Frontal


1. Idi Amin's "Pick Your Own Long Pig" Chain of Restaurants was a huge hit in the Pacific Rim.

2. "Love what you've done with your Rec Room, Sully!"

3. "Our gay clientele like to enjoy a little B&D with their nipple piercing."

4. The Castro Street Starbucks adds local color to its decor.

5. "Hey, He can't do that do that to our pledges. Only we can do that to our pledges!"

6. "He's been whipped, hog-tied, and had filthy undergarments draped over his head. Shall I give Mr. Sullivan his bill?"

7. "Do we still find jokes about Rosie O'Donnell's lesbianism amusing?" The Hillary Administration implements "Diversity."

8. Ang Lee has the weirdest casting calls.

9. Andrew Sullivan has the weirdest sleepovers.

10. "You know, after looking at these, I wouldn't being 'stuffed' and 'mounted' myself."

Best of prince of leaves
Air America Radio was forced by the bankruptcy to sell off its lobby dioramas depicting Bush Administration crimes to Tim Robbins.

Best of prince of leaves
Tim Robbin's thought bubble: "Man, it's a good thing I'm wearing Depends™ -- this museum is giving me some crazy kind of wood."

Best of prince of leaves
"You know, Salleh, while wax figures are very lifelike, I question whether the skidmarks were truly necessary for verisimiltude."

Best of Submariner
How totally barbaric! When will amerikkka become civilized and feed prisoners to plastic shredders to obtain information?

Inspired by Jeff
The Jockey Store was noted for its avant garde mannequins.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Why are the yellow ropes there? I want to touch."

Best of attmay
"But Andy, we did the Mao Tse Tung/Tightie-Whities-on-Head thing LAST night," whined The Boyfriend.

Best of Adjustah
Just another day of NASA Astronaut selection.

Best of Rodney Dill
Tim Robbins will now demonstrate the purple nurple of death.

Best of Van Helsing
The full horror sank in when it was disclosed that the undies had once been worn by Rosie O'Donnell — and she had been suffering particularly acute flatulence at the time.

Best of A.M. Mora y Leon
Reliably modernist, Tim Robbins always ensured that his political prisoners made it to their Pilates lessons on time.

Best of Double the U
I never forget a face...your Mister Underwear headman are you not?

Best of curly
“There…Smell that skid mark? Next time, use bleach on Tim Robbin's undies, you numbskull.”

Hat tip: Occasional Reader
Source: Here Ya Go

The Pit and the Pendulum


1. "Nanny wanna big plane! Nanny wanna big plane!" Bush knew the best way to handle a five-year-old's temper tantrum was to just walk out of the store.

2. "Nancy, all your shadow puppets look the same to me, like a whiny socialist reaching for my wallet."

3. "It was a one-night stand. Get over it."

4. Harpy (har'pee) [n]: 1: a creature with an intolerable screeching voice. 2: a creature with an intolerable screeching voice who won't shut the hell up about having to refuel in Denver while a taxpayer-funded luxury bizjet carries her botoxed ass back to San Francisco. E.g. "Bush tried to escape the harpy's screeching, but the harmonics were already causing his right hand to dematerialize."

5. "Down low too slow. Psych!"

6. "Ewwww, she touched my hand, now I've got girl cooties! Wait, I'm not Andrew Sullivan."

7. "Don't you turn your back on me, BushCo! I want to see your face when I kill you! I want to see the light leave your eyes!"

8. (Bush does Carnak.) A. Snakes on a Plane. Q. "What do you call Pelosi, Murtha, and a bunch of DNC contributors flying back to San Francisco on a taxpayer-paid luxury jet"

9. Even a die-hard Bolshevik feminist like Nancy Pelosi can't control herself in the presence of Alpha male Mansweat.

10. "So, you're a little teapot. Good for you. Now, excuse me while I try to win this war."

Best of Michigan-Matt
The President: "Lay off the botox, lady. You're looking more like Spock each day and I'm not going to teach you the Vulcan handshake."

Best of Straight8
No, Nancy, I will not pull your finger. What else ya got?

Best of Jack Reacher
"Don't look at me, Mr. President, I'm hideous."

Best of Van Helsing
"Come back, George. I promise I won't queef again."

Best of Submariner
♪ STOP! In the name of love, before you break my heart... ♪

Best of Submariner
Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.

Best of curly
“No Nancy. I outrank you and will therefore interrogate the buxom young fence jumping illegal alien myself.”

Best of curly
“Don’t you have an abortion clinic to protect somewhere, Granny?”

Best of Submariner
Lost in her own little fantasy, the Queen of Botoxia attempts to "rip the still beating heart" from her arch-enemy...

Best of andthenblammo!
"Hell, no, Mom, I'm not kissing Granny!"

Best of andthenblammo!
"Hey, George, don't run off with that knife! There are some troops' backs I want to stick it in, too!!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Honestly, Mr. President! I didn't really mean to introduce you as 'the right-wing christofascist warmongering oil-obsessed fascist dictator illegally occupying Al Gore's White House'...it just sorta slipped out..."



Hat Tip: Franco IBC

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Wheeeee!



1. Dr. Katzenbed was a psychiatrist who specialized in nymphomania. Money magazine just declared his, "the best freakin' job in America."

2. "What do you think of my clitoral piercing?"

3. "Big deal, lady. I've seen Andrew Sullivan wrap both legs around the back of his neck and hold the position for up to nine hours... in a truck stop restroom!"

4. "Men with a fetish for having their noses picked with stiletto heels... Next Springer."

5. "Which reminds me, our guest will be appearing next month at the Pantages Theater in The Vagina Monologues..."

6. "Perhaps, 'What is your position on pre-marital sex,' was an awkward way to phrase that question."

7. "Queefing should be an art form."

8. "In my next movie, I play a left-wing blogger who goes to work for a sleazy politician. It's called The Sperm-Burping Gutterslut Who Hated All Christians."

9. Mother would be so proud... if mother is a cigarettey ex-hooker with a gambling problem and various psycho-functional disorders.

10. "Oh, Snap! My laxative just kicked in."

Best of sonicfrog
Yep, George Takei is definitely NOT interested.

Best of Submariner
Although most dancers use their arms for the "Y - M - C - A," I like this version better...

Best of DoubleU
Rob Schneider thought to himself, if I was taller, better looking and made more money, and had a personality... I could get me some of that.

Best of ThatGayConservative
"So that's where my keys went!'

Best of curly
With the untimely demise of Anna Nicole Smith, competition for the role of “Disgraceful National Slut” really began to heat up.

Best of curly
By spelling “V the K” with her legs, the bimbo starlet was almost guaranteed some much needed coverage on the world renowned CationThis! website.

Best of curly
Tonight on “Charades”, Hilarity ensues as the cast and audience try to figure out the clues to the phrase “John Kerry is a pussy”.

Best of Van Helsing
"Go ahead, put your head forward. I thought you didn't believe me that I can cut it off in one snip."

Best of attmay
Rob Schneider, imagining himself as a piece of construction paper.

Best of Adjustah
Jesus lady, that stinks worse than Judge Dredd...

Best of Jeff
So, are those Prada?

Thursday T&A, Fawk Yeah!


1. Oh Sure. Build a fence then put that next to it. Mr. President, you are not serious about securing our borders!

2. "Senator Clinton. I've been a bad, bad intern, and I need to be spanked."

3. Dear John Edwards, If you hire me as your blogmaster, you won't get deranged, obscenity-filled feminist rants, just Thursday after Thursday of pics like this. Think about it, won't you? Sincerely, V the K, (a.k.a. your Breck Boy).

4. Hillary knew the electrified fence had been a good investment. "You aren't getting away that easily, my young intern," she purred.

5. "I wasn't really planning on getting gang-banged by a construction crew today, but your whistles and crude catcalls have won me over. Where shall we start?"

6. "OK, I may not be a rocket scientist, but at least I'm not going to drive 900 miles in an adult diaper to cap some hootchie."

Best of curly
“Yes sir. All of our 11 gauge materials are hot-dipped galvanized with a zinc coating of 1.8 ounces per square foot.”

Best of curly
Next week on ‘Lesbo Eye for the Fir Pie’: Rosie and her Butch Bunch have their work cut out for them as they attempt to transform this young temptress into a placard carrying ‘Boobs For Peace’ anti-war activist.

Best of Jeff
"What do you think of Beverly Hills High's new cheerleader outfits?"

Best of Submariner
Cali for nicashun?

Best of attmay
Kevin's upskirt fantasy of Winnie Cooper was cut from syndicated reruns of The Wonder Years,

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Definitely Not Thursday



1. Your uterus, your business, and the world thanks you for keeping it that way.

2. Pat was wondering when Chris and Terry would be joining the protest.

3. Normally, I'd say "Tits for Peace" was a pretty good swap, but in this case... not so much.

4. Double the U was confused, "But I generally support the war?"

5. Janet Jackson licensed her trademark to the Surrender Movement.


Hat Tip: Headmistress Sondra

Hot Cat Love


1. "You're no Pepe le Pew, that's for damned sure."

2. While Toonces and Rusty cavorted on the bed, they failed to note Rex had become a Goa'uld.

3. "But you have a barbed penis. Can't we just cuddle?"

4. Halle Barry's career officially bottoms out with her new film, Cats on a Bed.

5. Hillary on Monday, Rosie on Tuesday, and now Caption This's "Things That Crave P*ssy Week" continues with...

Path It: Coach TC at the K is P

No Caption, Just This


Because I know you've been wondering, "What Would Jimmy Carter Look Like in Drag?"

Pit taH: Aridog @ Discarded Lies

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

By Strange Coincidence, The Photographer's Name Is Gray Lick


1. Rosie and Hillary's "dates" warm-up for their sleepover.

2. "So, what did you girls learn on your field trip to the Clinton Presidential library?"

3. "OK, open the firehose and give 'em a drink!"

4. "I warned you girls not to watch that stupid Ring video."

5. Desperate for any form of protein, the vegan chick's little girls sucked in every bug that came their way.

6. Gene Simmons had such a paternity suit coming.

7. "We're getting closer, I can hear the coven chanting. Soon, our pure blood will call our Dark Master."

8. "Hey, girlsh, mommiesh kinda shlammed right now, would eitherofyou mind drivin'?"

9. "Still trying to taste rainbows, huh? Well, from now on, don't lick the little Mickey Mouse stickers in mommy's purse, okay?"

10. Suddenly, mother pulled the girls apart. "Stop doing that! I said you were two little tykes!"

Best of Divine Miss M
"If I told you once, I told you 'tards a hundred times: Close your mouth, breathe through your nose, put the helmets back on, and stop licking the windows."

Best of Rodney Dill
Toldya yud stay like that if I slapped ya on the back

Best of Double the U
Their eyes were shut, their tongues were hanging out, they were drooling and they needed to be led around by the hand, "These will be perfect voters for the democrat party" thought the recruiter.

Best of attmay
Sorry, girls, but Michael J. Fox needs those stem cells more than you do.

Best of Van Helsing
It could easily rain. Why is there no government agency charged with making sure they shut their mouths before they drown?

Best of Jack Reacher
"If we're good girls, eventually we'll be colorized."

Best of prince of leaves
An hour after Hillary's town-hall meeting, the girls still had the dry-heaves.

Best of prince of leaves
"Wow, lady, are you really an astronaut?"

Best of Submariner
OK, girls - I think you've practiced enough; your tongue piercings should go really smooth...

Best of Submariner
Your "imaginary lady teacher" is beginning to wierd me out girls...

Best of prince of leaves
"Yes, I know you're hungry, but you'll both just have to wait until Mommy's ready to regurgitate for you."


Source: John Greilick, Detroit News Photoblog