Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Say "High" to Tracy and E.J.

1. "Some smelly hippie gave us a cupcake. Three weeks later, we woke up here, wherever here is."

2. "Neither one of us has a purty mouth. I think we're safe."

3. "That was awesome. Let's hack up another hitch-hiker and bury her over there."

4. "When you're lost in the woods, you start to get hungry for meat ... any kind of meat ... mmm, meat..."

5. "Wasn't the rest of the coven supposed to be here by now?"

6. If a dyke queefs in the woods, and there's no one around to hear it ...

7. "Enumclaw is for amateurs," they said, smearing themselves with Grizzly bear hormones.

8. Performers of Erotic Catfights at Lumber Camps since 1903.

9. Later, the eco-moonbats tried to make friends with the woodland forest creatures. They were dead of rabies with a week.

10. "Hey, you know what? After a few of these mushrooms, you start to resemble a gender."

Best of Occasional Reader
"You know, dearie, just last week I was checking out this sweet M-4 carbine with a bifocal Aimpoint over at the senior center. And now, I've found the perfect site for the compound. Is this synchronicity, or what?"

Best of Double the U
I am not sure what he or she is, it has been so long since I gave birth to it I can't remember, but whatever it is, it sure is tall.

Best of Jack Reacher
"And then one day, while shootin' at some food..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yup, perfect spot for a Walmart."

Best of prince of leaves
An instant later, the pair were accidentally beheaded by a Stormtrooper zipping past on a 74-Z speeder bike.

Best of prince of leaves
"I only hugged a tree once, but that's all it took. Nine months later, *this* popped out..."

Best of attmay
The San Francisco Womyn's Theater Project version of "Robin Hood" was the least well-received to date.

Best of curly
David Bowie and Yoko Ono endorse GrapeNuts cerial.

Best of Rodney Dill
The little dutch boy was only trying to save the village once again, but given the 20,000 acre forest he was never seen again.

Best of Submariner
Little Known Hollywood Trivia: Dolph Lundgren's mom originated the line "I will break you."
--- Leonard Maltin

Best of curly
The Androgynous Strain.

Best of Submariner
Worried about 'bigfoot' attacks? Laws, no - those sightings are just when Maude here gets spotted on her occasional jaunts to the L'il Champ for coffee.

Best of Jason
The last time I was surrounded by this much wood was in college.

Courtesy: Sondra K
Original Source: Left here

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Someone's in the Kitchen with Freaky Bitch

1. "Um, no thanks. I'll just have some haggis."

2. "Munchies again, Mr. Kucinich?"

3. Soylent Brown is made out of stuff hippies scrape off themselves.

4. The Food Channel introduces "Cooking with Mary and Jane."

5. "Never mind why I have a tattoo of Abraham Lincoln on my upper arm."

6. Rainbow's first attempt at cupcakes resulted in four deaths and longtime psychotherapy for the survivors.

7. "Of course it's gooey. E-Z Bake ovens cook with a freakin' 25 watt bulb. "

8. "Still don't think Bush was behind 9-11? You will after you eat one of these."

9. "Um, I don't know If Ex-Lax is free from animal products. Why don't you eat this and find out?"

Best of ThatGayConservative
What's the street value of that cupcake?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ooo look, an image of the prophet Mohammed."

Best of Double the U
Want to lick my cupcake?

Best of Anonymous
Oh stop it, it is just a little armpit hair.

Best of Van Helsing
"In this household, we recycle everything."

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm getting this design tattooed on my other arm."

Best of Double the U
Two reasons why the all girl drive through vegan shop didn't do as well as the all girl drive through coffee shop.

Best of Submariner
It's our own special recipe. Takes quite a few chugs of Mazola to get it this runny...

Best of Submariner
She's the pirate, I'm just smelly. Wanna cupcake?

Best of prince of leaves
Hippie in Red: "You used up the commune's entire supply of chocolate syrup making cupcakes?!? What am I supposed to slather on my naked body during my performance art piece tonight?"

Best of prince of leaves
"No really, it's okay to eat it...I took my Valtrex this morning."

Best of attmay
"'s chocolate. I mean, it's brown, isn't it?", said the waitress as she tried to suppress her giggling.

Best of curly
“Here’s your snack sweetie, just the way you like it: baked by Mommy and served by Daddy.”

Best of curly
“…if you study hard, and you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck eating her snack.”

Best of curly
“Following our attempt at artificial insemination, we had some leftover man-junk in the turkey baster, so we thought ‘why not bake a cupcake’?”

HT: Stormi @ Discarded Lies

Tail of the Naughty Barista

1. "Hey, any chance you'd whip out one of those hoots and give an old trucker a squirt from the source?"

2. (Reply to #1) "50 cents extra, sweetheart."

3. "Guten Morgen, I vill be your barista, my name was once Tim."

4. "I don't actually work here. I woke up here bound and gagged after a night at the Kennedy Compound. Could you call the police, please?"

5. "Of course our coffee's good. Senator Clinton comes by 5, sometimes 10 times a day."

6. Corporate synergy that works: Starbucks and Victoria's Secret.

7. The worst part of the job? At least ten times a day, a customer just throws a 5 at her and says, "Keep it, it's all your worth, anyway."

8. "Mocha Espresso with a side of Stern Discipline, coming right up."

9. Right up until the bust, "Fluffer's Coffee" was by far the most popular coffee drive-thru in town.

10. Ever have that dream where you're in public in your underwear? This is Sully's version.

Best of prince of leaves
"Michael Landon Espresso Enema? No, I'm sorry, we're sold out..."

Best of prince of leaves
"We don't have 'free trade', no, but for ten bucks extra we have 'rough trade'."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Be sure to stop by next week; we're going to go topless, start giving in-car lap dances, and change the name to 'Grounds for Divorce'

Best of Jack Reacher
Yeah, congratulations on being the 1000th customer to ask for extra breasts with his chicken. Move along, Bob Hope.

Best of curly
"What a coincidence! You don't have any pants on, and neither do I!"

Best of ThatGayConservative
"Can I get a tall Richard Gere Gerbil-atto and a vente Crimson Tide to go?"

Best of Jason
Nice. Making fun of an unemployed stripper trying to get a decent job. Educate yourselves, morons.

Best of Jason
A medium coffee and some tissues... don't ask.

Best of curly
“It wasn’t the aroma of coffee that drew me here; it was the tangy fragrance of your queefs.”

HT: Captain Queeg
Source: Seattle Times

Monday, January 29, 2007

Dhimmi, Dhimmer, Dhimmiest

1. "Ya got TROUBLE/With a capital "T"
Which is a letter like "J"/And that stands for Jews!"

2. Seeing the microphones, Jimmah flashes back to the probing he got on the UFO .

3. "Look, I'm a mime trapped in glass box... by the Jews!"

4. "And then I took some of the headache pills I found in Amy's bedroom and went on an amazing psychadelic journey."

5. "And when I saw what Arafat was doing to Emmanuel Lewis, I made a face like this."

6. (Cap This Classic) "And then Hillary turned around and, no lie, it was this big."

7. "And that's why Ahmadinejihad deserves the Nobel Peace Prize."

8. Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

9. This is also the exact face he made the first time Arafat penetrated him.

10. "I *warned* you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you *knew*, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little *bunny*, isn't it?"

Best of Submariner
I'm coming, Elizabeth...

Best of Submariner
...and then Kissinger walks in, touchin' things in mah oval office with his slimy Jew hands and givin' me bad Jew advice. As IF I'd a evah asked HIM!

Best of curly
“We had to recall all of the Billy Beer in the late 70’s because after one sip your body would palsy like this.”

Best of curly
“No, you drink the strychnine before you grab the rattle snake and shake it over your head.”

Best of curly
“Thank you for coming. Today’s topic will be my favorite tried and true: amerika the cause of all evil that ever was and ever will be.”

Best of Van Helsing
"And if you're not careful the Jews… LEAP OUT AND GET YA!"

Best of curly
“Sure, Ronald Reagan salvaged the country following my pitiful time in office, but could he samba like this?”

Best of Silhouette
The word on the podium seal is as close as Jimmah will ever come to the truth.

"...she has vast....tracks o' land!"

Best of Occasional Reader
When speaking at universities noted for their "high Jewish enrollment", President Carter always tries to win over the audience with his patented "Jazz Hands".

Best of prince of leaves
[intoning ominously] "Jeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwsssssssss!"

Best of divine miss m
ORA "...and that's where we found Amy, up in a tree, eating bananas with Abbie Hoffman."

Best of attmay
The Dhimmitude Players present "A Star is Born" with Jimmy Carter filling in for Judy Garland.

Best of dusty
"-----and then there was this rather awkward moment when Pres. Cahtah paused, urinated on the podium and then demanded a towel."

Best of Jack Reacher
"And then the brave naval officer destroyed the evil swamp-devil-rabbit, and the animals of the forest rejoiced, and sang, and built houses for low-income animals."

Best of Bubbalove
"..and now young Jew, you will die!" said Emperer Jimmah as bolts of dark Farce flame flew from his fingertips. Seconds later, Darth Clinton snatched Jimmah and the Jew up and tossed both of them into the nearby bottomless Pit of Pelosi thereby bringing balance back into the ranks of the Democratic KKKnights. THE END

Best of Cybrludite
Jimmy finally realizes that it was AIDS that killed Arafat, and that this related to how gracelessly he himself was aging.

Best of Jason
Jimmy Carter show us his "war face."

Hat Tip: Walstib
Source: JPost

Jabba The Hutt Gets Angry

1. "BALLS!" --- CJ

2. Louie Anderson was pissed at coming in second at the Janet Reno lookalike contest.

3. "Where the hell are those Asian chicks with my hot dogs?"

4. "Grab your partner, do-si-do, promenade and don't be slow ..."

5. "Oh, Susanna, oh don't you cry for me..."

6. Rosie O'Donnell launches another tirade, next on The View

7. "But what about my needs?" Lesbian marriage counseling, a growth industry for the next decade.

8. "It's funny because fish don't need bicycles. Laugh, damn you!" Audience reaction to the First Feminist Comedy Jam pretty much guaranteed there would be a Second Feminist Comedy Jam."

9. ORA "Isn't Despair support to be naked and Death supposed to be Hot?" Purists didn't care for Hollywood's treatment of Neil Gaiman's Sandman.

10. "Ooooh! This one won't be silent, but it will be deadly!"

Best of Kevin Walker

Best of prince of leaves
"Governor and Geico customer Kathleen Blanco recently suffered a catastrophic homeowner's insurance event...since she's not a professional spokesperson, we've hired Billy Mays to speak for her..."

Best of prince of leaves
Blanco thought bubble: "'Bout time...I was wondering when that crawfish that crawled up his pantleg was going to make it to his junk..."

Best of curly
"We could not deploy the school buses because the there’s only so much room on the back of these buses for the people of color, you racist pig!”

Best of Rodney Dill

Best of curly
“Thanks to Bush’s mishandling of the Hurricane Katrina catastrophe, all of the whores that used to work Bourbon Street were forced to move to Houston; subsequently, I haven’t had sex in almost two years!”

She: "Waiter, on second thought, don't bring me what he's having."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Boy, he never saw that wedgie coming..."

Best of attmay

Best of Double the U
I am woman, hear me *ROAR!!*

Best of Jason
Rosie O'Donnell shows us her "war face."

Best of Jason
SOTG reacts to his daughter's prom date

Best of Kevin Walker
"WHERE ARE MY TWINKIES!" ----- Michael Moore, the early years.

Again: Sondra K
And from: Yahoo News/AssPress Photo/Bill Haber

Dim and Dhimmi

1. "No, I'm the worst president ever!"

2. "Did her. Did her. Did her. Did her. Did her. Did her. Did her..."

3. "Look, a Jew! Get him!"

4. "Come on, America. Pull Willy's finger for old time's sake."

5. "Those are fake. Those are fake. Those Are Real. Fake. Fake. Real. Fake..."

6. "He did it! He did it! He actually ate my booger."

7. "That's Rosalyn? What is she like a hundred? Sorry, no swap."

8. "There, right where I'm pointing. Knockers the size of your head! Come on, you still must have a little lust in your heart."

9. After four bong hits, everybody looks like Mr. Poppinfresh to Bill Clinton. ***

10. "Look Out! Killer Rabbit! Gotcha!"

Best of Jonathan
"Hey, Jimmy, that guy right there with the 'Carter Mondale 1980' t-shirt is screaming 'Allah Akhbar'! WTF does that..." KA-BOOOOOOOOOM!

Best of Van Helsing
"Hey Jimmy, isn't that your last advisor, sneaking out the back door of the Carter Center?"

Best of bad-d-d-dude
O.K. I am only gonna say this one more time, I DID have sexual relations with that woman . . .and that woman . . .and that guy. .

Best of divine miss m
"Wow, look at the tits! I'll bet there's...57 tits up there!"

Best of curly
"I'll take a neocon hit piece from you anytime, swwet thing!"

Best of Rodney Dill
New poster for Habitat for Inanity

Best of prince of leaves
"OOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!" In this scene from "Invasion of the Lefty Antisemite Bodysnatchers", Bill Clinton reacts to seeing a Zionist after emerging from the pod crypts deep beneath the Carter Center.

Best of prince of leaves
"So, Jimmy, tell me more about this nefarious Jew plot to steal-- OH! Hey, look! News cameras!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"Again? It's over that way, Jimmy. You know, you should get your prostate checked, Mini-bladder."

Best of curly
"I went looking for a screwdriver in Jimmy Carter's Habitat for Humanity toolbox, but all I could find was a hammer and a sickle."

Best of Submariner
Secret Service guy: Them, right there - Cap This! crew, pre-emptive strike, now...

Best of Submariner
Tell me again, Jimmah; was it a 'vorpal' rabit like that one?

Hat Tip: Van Helsing

*** Thanks CJ

Doofus Goes to Davos

1. "But I'm not... Oh, well, twenty bucks is twenty bucks... 'All the best, Ted Cassidy'"

2. "Room 334 at the Sheraton. Knock Twice. I'll be wearing something from Victoria's Secret."

3. "Don't worry this time, infidel senator. There's at least twenty of us who would literally kill for the honor of dining with you."

4. "It's called, 'Dianetics,' and it will Blow Your Mind!"

5. "There you go, Ayatollah. You're now the proud owner of a slightly used crazy billionaire wife."

6. "Sure, I'll sign your 'Death to Infidels' manifesto. I'd hate to be some kind of pariah."

7. (continued from six) "Let me fix a couple of spelling errors here. 'Thermonuclear' is one word, and there's no 'u' in 'New York' There ya go."

8. "Petition to cancel 24 and behead Rupert Murdoch? I'll sign that."

9. "Ecstasy Facial? I'll sign up for that."

10. "Thanks for the autograph. The kids will never believe I met Cat Stevens."

Best of silhouette
"You sign with a style reminiscent of Jengis Khan."

Best of The Man
If Kerry had won: "We surrender"

Best of The Man
...and take this receipt to the counter and we will hook you up with all 57 varieties of Heinz sauces. Thanks again

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan fan club? Where do I sign?

Best of curly
“So I’ll denounce amerika if you change the virgin count in the afterlife from 72 to 57, thereby planting the subliminal message to over 1 billion Moslems that my Heinz 57 steak sauce tastes like a bit of paradise.”

Best of Submariner
"So let me get this straight - as a Muslim I have the right to kill any female family member for reasons of honor? I don't know of this 'honor' of which you speak, but DA-AMN!; you BETI'll convert!"

Best of Submariner
Trust me - Amway will make you rich!

Best of Van Helsing
"Sure I'll sign over my soul to your Dark Master. It's mortgaged to the hilt anyway."

Best of bad-d-d-dude
"You know education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well, and if you don’t, well, you might end up in an insufferably hot, dry isolated part of the world, wearing baggy, uncomforable clothes and leading a bunch of towel-head zealots to their certain demise. But, I digress. By the way, did you know I served in Vietnam?

Best of Occasional Reader
"... yeah, 'I will not rate', that's perfect. Now sign it, um, 'Big-Time Texas Air National Guard General, 1972.' Oh, and add, 'cc: Elders of Zion'. I'm SO happy we're finally working together, Senator."

Best of Double the U
Mister, if you just buy two more magazine subscriptions I will get to go to the finals for free.

Hat Tip: LGF

Sunday, January 28, 2007

"Ah fart in yer... uh... *direct* direction!"

1. Courtesy of the Tufte Institute: the Democrat position on terrorism, illustrated graphically.

2. Dear V the K, Please stop giving Andrew ideas, signed, The Boyfriend

3. Ironically, Tom was wondering how his blond, big-chested girlfriend was doing with the car.

4. I guess this is symbolic of how Blue State America is always sticking its nose into Red State America's business, or something.

5. Whoa! This is filthy! Why would any man want to put his junk in there?

Best of evariste
Shock jocks all across the nation are finding that people will do anything, and I mean anything, to win a Nintendo Wii.

Best of evariste
The French are really going overboard with the invasive doping tests for American Tour de France riders.

Best of evariste
Now that I've experienced the pain of childbirth, I promise to be more sensitive toward women.

Best of Submariner
Why "blue America" votes the way it does...

Best of Submariner
You're right, Robin. That parking meter really loosened you up!

Best of curly
Tired of waiting months for his HMO to authorize a colonoscopy, Ted was forced to seek out the alternatives.

Andrew Sullivan sighs and gives his highest rating: Two fists up, way up!

Best of Van Helsing
"Cool, I can see out your navel."

Best of attmay
That's the last time sonicfrog gets to pick the Thursday photo!

Best of TC
RED GUY (aka St Andy): "Say you're Glenn Reynolds and I've made you my willing thrall... Say it! or I swear, "I WILL SQUEEZE."

Best of divine miss m
Conjoined twins Ed and Fred turned a bummer of a birth defect into a lucrative professional wrestling career.

HT: Six Degrees of Blondeness

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Logs, Wood... It's a Target Rich Environment

1. "Yes, daddy's little bull dyke looks cute in her flannel shirt."

2. "I already told you sweetheart, we have to use the old tools because there's a hooker in the woodchipper."

3. On Monday, her teacher would ask, "What did you do this weekend?" She said, "I gave daddy wood." By Tuesday, she was in a foster home.

4. "Well, honey, you've dressed in nothing but flannel since you were three and you'd rather chop wood than play with dolls, so it's not surprising you want Hillary to be president."

5. "Because it's written in Exodus, 'Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Witch to Live,' or, in your sister's case, a Vegan. Just help me with this kindling, okay?"

6. "But, daddy, I don't wanna be a moehl

Best of curly
“That’s right honey: straight into the fire with them, just like your two-timing mother on judgment day.”

Best of 2spotlefty
Just as I taught your brother Habib,allah rest his soul,so to shall you learn the great muslim art of separating the infidels' head from its body.Now,just pretend that this log is a screaming monkey jew pleading for mercy...

Best of prince of leaves
Lumberjack Ed never knew what hit him when the cloaked Predator ripped out his still-squirming spine.

Best of curly
“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? None, because I’d chuck his infidel head off, lickedy split.”

Best of attmay
I didn't want to be a 5th grader. I wanted to be...A LUMBERJACK!

Best of Submariner
Uncle Al? Dad said I could only help you until you broke out the Binford T2000 "personal massager..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Gee I wish I could pinch a log like you dad."

Filed Under: Saturday Americana

Friday, January 26, 2007

Catsuit and Rugrats

1. Michelle Pfeiffer has really let herself go.

2. "Simmer down, I have enemas for both of you."

3. "Hold on, Jenny. I just need to get a urine sample from Billy."

4. "Look, honey, when you're a little older, mommy will explain how role-playing and whips make daddy love her more."

5. "In retrospect, I should have known, 'Don't worry, I've had a bat-sectomy' was just a line."

6. "I forget, was it the martini or the baby he wanted 'shaken, not stirred.' Well, since you can't stir a baby..."

7. "Thanks, Jenny, but I think one human shield will be enough to get me past the SWAT team."

8. Rosie O'Donnell forces the help to dress in the style of whatever 60's TV character she's fetishizing that week. Next up, Mrs. Howell.

9. "Spit out my valium right now or we'll go out on the balcony and play Michael Jackson."

10. "Sorry, Lourdes, but you're just Mrs. Ciccone's cloned organ bank. Only Rocko is to be shown human affection."

Best of Van Helsing
The sequel to Hallie Barre's Catwoman was so awful that even an interracial kiddie sex angle couldn't get it into the Sundance Film Festival.

Best of sonicfrog
Quick Billy! Grab a pen and poke its eye out!!!

Best of Jack Reacher
Your daddy's name is Robin. I last saw him in Times Square. Let us never speak of him again.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Mommy, teach me how to lick myself too."

Best of prince of leaves
It wouldn't be until they left for college that homeschooled Janie and Jimmy would learn to use a toilet instead of a litterbox.

Best of prince of leaves
Suddenly, a furball caught in her throat. In the ensuing coughing spasm, Catnanny coated both children in sticky lumps of her half-digested leg hair that took three hours and a gallon of rubbing alcohol to clean off.

Best of prince of leaves
Even though he was able to find his soul mate and start a family thanks to their service, had serious qualms about Dennis Abner's offer to do testimonial advertisements.

Best of The Man
Why Condi doesn't have kids.

Best of Submariner
Cat-nanny's troubles started when she took the kids to the park, where she was observed repeatedly covering them up with sand...

Best of Adjustah
With Super-Grover now dead on the floor, Catwoman knew she had to do something with the witnesses...

Best of Anonymous
"Spit out those anal beads for mommy! SPIT OUT THOSE ANAL BEADS!" Another tragic moment in the home of a dominatrix.

Same as the other one.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

1. After Bruce Wayne was indicted by Elliot Spitzer, Robin was reduced to turning tricks in Times Square.

2. "That last john was the sickest yet. I'm still spitting out beagle fur."

3. "Help, officer! I'm an illegal alien drug dealer. Please shoot me in the ass so I can sue for $5 million."

4. "Mommy, why is that man handcuffed to that street lamp." "He's a B&D fetishist, dear."

5. "Technically, officer, just pleasuring myself with one is not a meter violation."

6. "It's because Republicans are 'Robin' the poor to feed BushCo's imperialist death machine. You fascists have no sense of humor."

7. "Nothing, officer. Just waiting for The Donald to pick me up so I can be his 'young ward' for the evening."

8. "The fetishist rent-boy is a person in your your neighborhood..."

9. "Not tonight, Officer Barbrady. The Gimp suit is at the cleaners. Sorry"

10. Robin in the Hood

Best of Silhouette
Robin rents the porn flicks, but Batman Returns.

Best of attmay
Why it was a bad idea to let DC Comics produce the remake of "Midnight Cowboy."

Best of Jonathan
Despite his "Crazy Robin" schtick, no one seemed interested in giving Marshall any "crazy candy".

Best of Submariner
A few seconds later, the girl in yellow was heard to say; "Sorry, not interested - I'm looking for a 'Man of Steel,' not a 'Boy Wonder.' "

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hmmmm.... maybe the batmobile really should be purple."

Best of curly
“I wonder why the Bat Signal originated from this pr0n shop?”

Best of curly
Used to hearing actions sounds such as “Bam” and “Kapowie”, Robin’s fans would be disgusted if they could listen in on the grunts and moanings that accompany the superhero as he cruises the gay nightclubs.

Best of Adjustah

HT: SondraK
From: This gaywad photo exposition

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

1. “Ia! Ia! Shub- Niggurath,! Black Goat of the woods with a thousand young”

2. “No, that’s definitely an Airbus A320. See the winglets?”

3. As the SOTU wore on, Hillary dreamed fondly of her inauguration.

4. “This reminds me, did you notice that weird crack on the quarterback’s ceiling?”

5. As the rain started, the cheerleading coach yelled, “Quick! Get them off the field before they drown?”

6. As the SOTU wore on, Bill dreamed fondly of Hill’s inauguration.

Best of curly
This week on ‘24’: In order to get much needed info on the radical homosexual movement, Andrew Sullivan is forced to watch a football game half time show.

Best of Occasional Reader
[Fatima al-Candy and Fatima al-Bambi]: Like, totally Allahu Akbar...
[Muezzin]: I didn't issue the call to prayer yet, that's NOT the proper prayer position, and those SURE as hell ain't burqas!
[cue laughter]
("Everybody Loves Jihad", Season 4, ep. 2)

Best of Kevin Walker
As the SOTU wore on, Andrew Sullivan shuddred at the thought of Hillary's inauguration.

Best of Submariner
Moments later, the field sprinkler's erupted. Screams of "Turn off the bidet!" filled the Tampa sky...
and a number of delighted squeals, too!

HT: Knowledge B Power
Source: Hyar

Only Hoors Drive Purple Cars

1. If Starbuck can get a sex-change, why not Michael and KITT?

2. Oh, Look. A whore!

3. What Hillary was really thinking about, and why she was smiling, during the SOTU.

4. "You may inform Senator Clinton that her car and chauffeur have arrived."

5. Another CapThis! first: The Sullivan-proof caption.

6. "Officer, I was only going 120. Can't we find another way to... work... this... out?"

7. Knuckling under to CAIR, the producers of 24 announce that all future terrorists will be hot blonds with big knockers who drive fast cars wearing nothing but bikinis. Ratings for seasons 7 - 10 set records, but hot blond chicks report problems boarding aircraft, and are subject to "random" strip searches.

8. How could this get better, you ask? "I got beer in the trunk."

9. "My name's Divine Miss M, you must be Racerboy."

10. 'Ow to speak Australian: "Hood ornament."

Best of curly
I just won the $240M Powerball Lottery, this is my girlfriend and my car; I'm hung like Sadam Hussien and I write the funniest caps.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Make sure to specify you're talking about the car:

"I get much joy from sticking in the nozzle and fillin' her up."

"We've actually managed to cram 3 guys into her at a time."

"Why not take her for a spin? Everyone else has." Courtesy of Drew Carey's Who's Line Is It?

"I've ridden her hard. She takes the turns great."

Best of curly
Word verification givzqb...I don't know what a 'qb' is, but I'll take one if she's giving 'em.

Best of Zeke
Sullivan's chauffeur loved her job but hated when he borrowed her shoes.

Best of curly
When much younger, Andrew Sullivan’s father would try to rehabilitate his obvious faggishness by forcing him to look at pictures like these and he would always take refuge in a mental ‘safe spot’ where he would dream of aborigine testicles on the half-shell at a Chablis tasting party.

Best of Anonymous
On to the next round of the "Guess what has more plastic in it" game...

Best of Submariner
Free Press Puzzle Page: There are 43 man-made materials in this photo. Her hair color is our "gimme" to get you started.

HT: RIP Ford @ Discarded Lies

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Scenes from a SOTU

1. "Ow, stop kicking me! Ow! I know that's you, Hillary. Ow! Quit it!"

2. Knowing that Massachusetts voters don't give a damn, Ted Kennedy takes a hit off his crackpipe.

3. "Why are we seated in the Zionist section?"

4. "These aren't pearls. They're the testicles of reporters who asked me tough questions, and a couple of ovaries."

5. "First Ted asked "is it okay if I sit next to you, Osama," and now, every time the camera pans away Hill spits on the back of my head. I should have run as a Republican."

Best of Silhouette
I'll take the alcoholic swimmer to block.

Best of Submariner
Two-Ton Teddy; "Hey Obama - look what I got out of my nose!"

Best of Van Helsing
"…heh heh heh… Bill's advice to eat sauerkraut and burritos for supper is paying off. Now I'll really let one rip and see if I can wake up Osama Obama and Ted."

Best of Capt. Queeg
Sen. Hillary Clinton(D-NY) at the State of the Union address last night. Below, Sens. Barack Osama(D-IL) and Ted Kennedy(D-MA) contemplate a picture of Saddam Hussein and Richard Pryor choking the crap out of Ugli Betty.

Best of Rodney Dill
(thinking) "Thank gawd for Mr. Ben Wa"

Best of Rodney Dill
Why is that little red dot bouncing around on Hillary's forehead.

Best of Cybrludite
Hillary's though bubble: Glad no one noticed me kick-starting my vibrator.

Best of curly
The Democratic-controlled Senate is the epitome of diversity: a ‘Halfrican’-American, a Lesbian-American, and Substance-abuse/Mentally-retarded/Marxist-communist/Women-drowning-American.

Best of curly
Watching the power presented by the President always gave Hillary a raging woody.

Best of Submariner
Hillary! That had BETTER be your toe, and you had BETTER get it the hell away from my behind!

Best of prince of leaves
Kennedy thought bubble: What's this trapped between my fluffy-fat belly rolls? Mmm...fruitcake. Hey wait...the last time I had fruitcake was one Mom made...

Best of prince of leaves
Hillary thought bubble: Nancy winking at me? Why, she is! And there she goes again! And again! If I didn't know better, I'd think she was looking for a private "conference committee" after Chimpy up there is done yammering...

Hat Tip: Sondra K

Hey, Only Palestinian Children Are Supposed to Play With Those

1. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer 2: This time, it's personal.

2. The AARP is determined to stop personal social security accounts at any cost.

3. "I said, call 'B-32' or I'll ventilate you, ass-wipe."

4. "From here, I can take out Hillary, Obama, and that lard-ass Chappaquiddick Beach Whale."

5. "Bet those kids will stay out of my yard, now."

6. They were going to do a drive-by, then decided it would be easier just to plow into a crowd with their car instead.

Best of Occasional Reader
How to spot when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel with your troop surge.

Best of Anonymous
"Oh yeah? Back when I was a kid we had to smuggle MUSKETS into the schoolhouse in order to bust caps in disrepectful asses."

Best of Anonymous

Best of Anonymous
You can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold dead fing... Oh. Okay. Here it is then.

Best of attmay
Estelle Getty rehearses for Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot Part 2.

Best of Rodney Dill
Well Dick Cheney can kiss my old wrinkled ass.

Best of Submariner
Grandma? I couldn't have dinner with you because I was st... uh, stopped to feed this homeless guy who appeared to be a disabled war vet.

Best of Submariner
OK, add a couple of banana clips and 5 cases of hollow-point magnums and I think I'm ready for Halloween.

Best of Submariner
Let those Revenuers just TRY to bust our "herb garden" again, Elmer!

Best of Cybrludite
Open mike night at the senior center brings out the Stuck Mojo fans.. ♪ "Bring it to my home, Welcome to the danger zone, Cause your attitude's the reason, The triggers keep squeezing, The hunt is on and it's open season" ♪

Best of curly
"The exterior condition show regular maintenance; however, the trigger mechanism appears somewhat crudded-up. The recoil’s not bad, but the sights need adjustment. I’ll take this, a laser sight, four boxes of ammo and a case of those Cindy Sheehan targets.”

Best of prince of leaves
Robert Byrd's first wife Dottie decides a hundred and forty-six years of unpaid alimony is enough.

Best of Adjustah
I'd like to see that cat crap in my tomato garden now...

Hat tip: Probably Timmeh!, but possibly John Schneider.

Love Is ...

1. "Say what you will about John Wayne Gacy, the man was a hell of a painter."

2. "Call me sick if you will, Sanjay, but stuff like that gets me hot."

3. "The important thing is, dad's found an artistic outlet to deal with his feelings about the divorce."

4. "I don't know whether the painting itself is more disturbing or the fact that it's hung at our eye level.

5. "Aw, jeez, CapThis just showed up. OK, 'we're midget fags who intern for Barney Frank.' Happy now?"

6. "It's called 'Saddam Hussein and Richard Pryor Choke the Crap Out of that 'Ugly Betty' Chick."

7. "Who would have thought a 7 year old could get an NEA grant for finger-painting his teacher being butchered and violated?"

8. "I think the artist is making a statement about misogyny among oppressed minority males, emasculated by capitalist society, are forced to channel their frustration into misogyny... or, the b*tch deserved it 'cuz she mouthed off one time too many."

9. "You know what I like about you, Sanjay? You're not afraid to defy social conventions about male-to-male intimacy. Also, your pink jacket looks ♪fabulous!♪"

10. "Reminds me of when Uncle Abu and my brother Mohammed had to honor kill my sister for text messaging a boy she wasn't related to."

Best of Submariner
It's der Profit und Ayeee-sha having a moment of bliss. Obviously the other is an infidel since his death or ifidel payment avatar is beside him.

Best of Silhouette and Adjustah
This week's Sesame Street brought to you by the letters B, D, S & M.

Best of TC@LeatherPenguin
Wife has a guy working for her, that she didn't hire and totally hates, named Sanjay.... Wanna guess what just got e-mailed to the little dweeb?

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
♪The child-molester's a person in your neighborhood...♪

Best of sonicfrog
Ah, another fine Christmas in Zimbabwe!

Best of Occasional Reader
"Dunno, I like the whole Frida Kahlo/Denver International Airport Mural mixed motif, but it seems to be missing something... "

Best of Rodney Dill
"Artistically speaking, it would look much better if we could look at it through urine."

HT: Brender

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Hot Dogs, Get Your Hot Dogs!

1. "Wow, that last guy cried like a little sissy girl when he saw what we did to his beagle."

2. "Oh, no, Ming Lee. Don't eat at that American place. I hear they use cow."

3. "Mama-San, tell me more about daddy. You know, guy with three purple heart who look like Lurch from Addams Family?"

4. "Get your roast dog! Chock full of healthy stem cells! You be healthy like Michael J Fox."

5. "And what did Mr Bauer do with the rest of the dogs at the prison camp?"

6. "I got 101 of these real cheap from that Cruella De Vil lady."

7. "Crazy senator from New York come by. Molested my daughter then shined all my dog meat 'til it gleamed."

8. "Roadkill Cafe" opens its first East Asia branch.

Best of prince of leaves
Souvenir stand outside the Sundance showing of "Zoo".

Best of Kevin Walker
Despite being impaled by a long wooden pole, Ming Lee continued with her staring contest.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yep, I think we'll give Nathan's a run for its money."

Best of Submariner
Mama-san? Why that little yellow boy ask for "Santa's Little Helper?"

Best of Silhouette
"So the grandma opened the bun, shut it real quick, and asked her husband, 'What part of the dog did you get?'"

Best of Silhouette
"Hey savage guys, what IS the best wine for dog butt?"

Best of Andy from Beaverton
No we won't tell you the recipe. Go buy our cookbook "How to wok your dog 50 ways".

Best of attmay
Why it was a bad idea to let George Romero direct the revival of "Flower Drum Song".

Best of curly
“By serving dog we can eliminate Moslems as potential customers without appearing discriminatory.”

Best of Adjustah
♪'s fun to eaaat at the S.P.C.A... ♪

HT: Silhouette
Source: Yahoo News

White Wine Goes With Savages

1. "Miss Hilton is currently nailing another client. Would you gentlemen like to wait at the bar until your number comes up?"

2. As part of a Christmas tradition, Robert Byrd invites his field hands into the Big House for chitlins and chablis.

3. M'bundi and !hosa celebrate the settlement they got from their suit against Geico's "So easy a half-naked African savage could do it" ad campaign.

4. Never again would the White House send out an invitation suggesting 'Casual Attire.'

5. "Another round? Why thank you, disembodied forearm."

6. "Let's see those crackers make fun of my outfit now!" sneered Nathaniel Abraham.

7. "No, gentlemen, your outfits are fine. Avalon Manor is a progressive establishment."

8. "We were supposed to be at the Prom with some hootchie named Dawn, but we skipped out."

9. "But of course, we didn't actually sell the Iraqis any yellowcake. More wine, Mr. Wilson?"

10. "Mr Sullivan, why does this wine taste like roophies?"

Best of Submariner
Yes, Mr. Wilson; 1999 was a VERY good year for elephant urine. More cake?

Best of Submariner
John F'n Kerry reminisces over a glass of fine colonial French chablis (none of that plebian domestic crap for me!); "I remember spending Christmas in Guiana - it's speared, SPEARED in my memory..."

Best of curly
Character actors break for refreshments at a book-signing event for Barney Frank’s latest, “It Takes Village People”.

Best of Occasional Reader
"How can ace be one AND eleven?! What kind of god would allow that?"

Best of andthenblammo!
Barack Obama was very disappointed in Naomi Wolf's campaign wardrobe recommendations.

Best of Jonathan
"I swear, M'butu, if you do that 'I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti' thing while we're here...!"

Best of nuts for tuna
As soon as Madonna and Angelina Jolie started with those Third-world adoptions, we all knew it would eventually lead to Donald Trump giving an entire Masai tribe the 'My Fair Lady' treatment.

Best of nuts for tuna
"It's champagne, yet the French won't let you legally call it that?! Am I the first to think the French are idiots?"

Best of Occasional Reader
"This is an amusing, saucy little Sauvignon Blanc, with hints of gooseberry and blackcurrant. It's a nice pairing to enjoy with your enemy's roasted testicles, and helps capture the feeling of 'devouring his soul and acquiring his powers'."

Best of Anonymous
"Bad Starvin' Marvin'! We don't drink the wine...we spit it out!!!"

HT: Brenda Walker
Source: Yahoo News

Monday, January 22, 2007

Kissing Hands and Shaking Babies

1. Hillary: "No Thanks, I already ate."

2. Hillary: “OK, Now, I see the resemblance to Bill. How much to make this little problem go away?”

3. Hillary: “I see my little organ bank is coming along nicely. Thanks, Missouri voters.”

4. Hillary: “All right, Damon Wayans, I admit I slept with you, but only because I thought you were Sinead O’Connor. I still don’t see how this kid could be mine.”

5. Hillary: “She’s a little femme for my tastes, but what the hell.”

6. Hillary: “So, when you see the mean black senator from Illinois, what do you yell?” Little girl: “That’s the bad man who touched me!”

7. Little girl: (thinking) “Holy cow, her knuckles are even hairier than Rosie O’Donnell’s.”

8. Little Girl: “Really?? You live in a real live gingerbread house?”

9. Little Girl: “Hey, I knows those three numbers on your hand! They’re sixes! I learneded it in Head Start!”

10. Damon Wayans: “It’s called a ‘child’ Mrs Clinton. It’s how humans reproduce in this Realm. If you keep calling them ‘spawn,’ people may get suspicious.”

Best of curly
"That's right honey. Always extend your left hand when meeting Evil Incarnate."

Best of curly
"No honey, just pull one finger."

Best of Submariner
"So if you work hard and keep at your studies, you too can go 'shopping' at Old Navy with Dawn when your hovel floods out."

Best of Submariner
Sorry Nate; even I can't vote for retro-active abortion. Go see Speaker Pelosi.

Best of Submariner
...and then Hillary asked for a wipe and blamed it on her new "Monk" obsession...

Best of Van Helsing
"Nice find, Damon. The Master will be pleased with this blood sacrifice."

Best of curly
"No sweetie; I wrote 'It Takes a Village'. Obama was the one who wrote 'It Takes a Madrassa'."

Best of Jack Reacher
"You have an imaginary friend? I have an imaginary marriage!"

Best of Submariner
Aren't you sweet and photogenic! I have a couple of Hollywood friends looking for a child just your shade...

Best of Jonathan
Nice. Making fun of a Hillary Clinton & Charles Barkley lovechild. Read their story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Best of Submariner
Tamika looked up and said, "Daddy? Why'd that lady give me her phone number?"

Hat Tip: DivM

Father & Son Reunion?

Nathaniel Abraham


Flyguy from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka.

Idea completely ripped off from: Throbert at Discarded Lies

Source: DEE-troit News

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Speed Bumps

1. If your first reaction was, ♪ "Ding, Dong, the witch is dead,"♪ you might be a homosexual.

2. Their oil changes may take two hours, but "Skanky Lube" still gets more repeat business than "Jiffy Lube."

3. A natural blonde, Honey gave the BMW a blow job in order to get a sugar daddy.

4. One of Hillary's interns actually working for once; cutting the brake lines on Bill's car.

5. "All right, now just put some Tide in the carburetor to clean the engine and we're all set."

6. Unfortunately, Lindsey Lohan had been an expert in bypassing ignition breathalyzer interlocks since the age of 12.

7. "And now to drink my fill of the precious anti-freeze."

8. Scene from the classic adult film, Looking for Mr. Goodwrench.

Best of attmay
Did you hear about the blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a car?
She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.

Best of sonicfrog
I may be gay, and boobs are useless to me, but I never would have thought to use those to jack up the car.

Best of prince of leaves
Bill was understandably surprised when the hot woman he stopped to help along the highway turned out to be a man with acute gynecomastia and a thing for heels.

Best of prince of leaves
Brandi was the SWAT team's secret weapon -- even cars impervious to spike strips came to a halt when they hit her silicone barricade.

Best of prince of leaves
Brandi looks fruitlessly for her cat, forgetting that she tied Mr. Snuffles to the *back* bumper instead.

Best of 2spotlefty
"Honey,are you sure the manual says to change the 'fratostat' everytime I get another enhancement?"

Best of Capt. Queeg
Asked to locate the chrome on the trailer hitch, Brandi passes her "Does she or doesn't she" hair color test with flying colors.

Best of curly
After this, the poor Beemer would always suffer from 'headlight envy'.

Best of Submariner
Stephanie's family later brought suit against the High School Guidance Counselor for telling her she "...only had the mental aptitude of a speed bump."

Best of curly
Barney Frank beat Andrew Sullivan in their wild game of 'queer joy riding' after scoring 10 points for mowing down the buxom blonde.

Best of Anonymous
Annabelle misunderstood the phrase "Blowing a head gasket."

HT: Knowledge Is Power

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Still Not Old Enough to Dress Themselves

1. ORA John Rocker's worst nightmare.

2. "Um, no honey, let mommy dress you today."

3. "Yes, you're never too old for trick-or-treat, but January is too late for Trick-or-treat. Get off my porch, you frakkin' stoners."

4. Bruce's friends always tended to nod off when he started talking about Judy Garland.

5. "Am I a clown? Do I amuse you? Oh..."

6. You've met Hillary's and Barney's, now meet Dennis Kucinich's interns.

7. Mr. Blackwell's children go through their teenage rebellion.

8. "Bonjour. Je m'appelle 'Lucky Pierre.'"

9. Paris Hilton was one French gigolo away from her role-playing fantasy of being DVDA'd by a used car salesman, a homeless man, a trucker and an astronaut.

10. Deep in the heart of Americana, V the K's family "dresses up real purty."
Best of divine miss m
Don Cherry's son Dan; his brother Daryl, and his other brother Daryl.

Best of prince of leaves
With some rat poison and a tripod-mounted Polaroid camera, Kevin Kyle Parker gets his start in the serial murder business.

Best of Silhouette
"Day 15. Still no washing machine repair man. Supplies running low."

Best of Anonymous
An early picture of the band "Crowded House"

Best of Anonymous
Winkin, Blink 182, and Nod.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Today at Target, Clay Aiken signs copies of his CDs. Let's talk with some fans."

Best of attmay
The only participants on "Get Your Picture Taken With Ryan Seacrest Day".

Friday, January 19, 2007


1. The addition of the Alpine Trebuchet event added some much needed drama to the winter games.

2. Never piss off a Swiss coke dealer.

3. "Hans! Look out for that... [thunk]... Piper Cub."

4. While skiing in Idaho, John Kerry's ego suddenly exploded ... sending him into low earth orbit.

5. Unable to afford UAV's, Norway implements its own form of manned aerial surveillance.

6. The really impressive part: He can write his name in the snow at the same time.

7. "♪'Upside-down, you're turnin' me'♪---" Johnny Weir changes winter sports but still honors his Diva.

8. A new metaphor for the Democratic party: Flying high now but completely inverted and headed for a crash.

Best of Rodney Dill
The Kennedy family finds yet another way to cull the gene pool.

Best of lawhawk
Bode Miller finally puts together his out of control behavior and skiing ability in a constructive manner. Too bad he never learned how to stick the landing.

Best of Jack Reacher
Swiss special forces sneak up on their enemies by disguising themselves as the hat worn by the cat in "Cat In The Hat."

Best of Submariner
♪Ground control to Major Tom...♪

Best of Submariner
ORA: "NOT the Momma!"

Best of Cybrludite
Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii... (Gasp, breathe) ...iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

Best of Silhouette

Best of Rodney Dill
Dick Cheney wanted something a little more challenging to shoot.

Best of prince of leaves
Tragedy Into Triumph: watching his brother Ivan ski over a cliff and pirouette 500m to his death on the rock-strewn slopes below, Igor Sikorski is inspired to invent the world's first practical helicopter.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: Franz discovers that Cavorite-edged skis are a really, really bad idea.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Looks Like Somebody's Cat's Cradle Got Out of Hand

1. Brandee never could figure out why this position was known as "Sullivan's Beagle."

2. Oh, Look, a whore!

3. "Senator Rodham told her staff to come up with 'new positions on a rack.' How's this?"

4. Slide #14 in the Middle School Presentation: "A Visit to Mr. Obgyn!"

5. "OK, Senator Kennedy. I'll wait here while you get me a glass coffee table to crap on."

6. After co-starring in 633 adult films, Honey was eminently qualified to teach "sexual variations" in Montgomery County schools.

7. "I thought she was your whore!" Bill insisted to Hillary.

8. "What do you mean Harold Ford still hasn't called?"

9. I stuck a crucifix up the ass of a pr0n model. Can I have an NEA grant?

10. "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a girl air out her cooter before?"

Best of Chrees
Mandy thought she had what it would take to win American Skank, but Paris was the only 'yes' vote she got. Lindsay and Britney voted against sending her to the San Fernando Valley.

Best of Submariner
Sorry Kobe; she's open but I think I'll handle this one myself...

Best of prince of leaves
"Um, no, sorry...the auditions for 'Harlot's Web' are next door..."

Best of jbinnout
I blame algore and global warming... but, it's a good thing.

Best of CJ
Playboys 'The Women of Severe Scoliosis' pictorial was the kind of thing you usually only saw in Hustler

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The Playboy mansion has the most unique bicycle racks.

Best of divine miss m
♪♪ It walks down stairs
alone or in pairs
and makes a skankity sound!'s Skanky, it's Skanky,
for fun it's a wonderful toy....♪♪

Best of Silhouette
Candy misunderstood when the Oscar people asked her to be a presenter.

Hat Tip: Evariste

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Somehow, this is Bush's Fault

1. "Why is it whenever you girls try and handle a schwartz, you always hold it like a dead fish or grab it like a stick shift."

2. "Youngling, that is one fabulous pair of 'F***-Me!' pumps."

3. Originally, Lucas auditioned Linda Hunt for the role of Mace Windu, but audiences kept mistaking her for Yoda.

4. "Luke, I am your father. I'm that kid's father, too. Obi-Wan and I did a lot of whorin', back in the day."

5. OYTRA: Laid off from the Supermarket, Chad Vader was forced to take a job at Celebree.

Best of prince of leaves
In an earlier draft of "Episode IV", Luke was quite a bit younger and going through a "questioning phase".

Best of Jack Reacher
"Sure, I battle snot-nosed kids in a theme park with plastic sabers, but it's a living. Hey, you gonna finish those fries?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Darth: "And just why should I fear you little one."
Girl: "Bobbit, the name's Lorena Bobbit, shorty."

Best of lawhawk
Karl Rove was last seen working at the Star Wars stunt show at Disney World for $5.25 an hour.

Hat Tip: Belize 042

Stupid Spoiled Whores

1. "Could be a lump. Who cares. Let's get wasted and bang some frenchmen."

2. "If it's Wednesday, we must be skanks."

3. "And the junior senator from New York reached over and copped a feel, just like this."

4. "Excuse me, Kansas, can I borrow a Kleenex?"

5. "Stop rubbing boogers on my chest, you skank!"

6. "Wouldn't you know, the Nimitz is in port and neither one of us can find her diaphragm. Thank Blackmun for Roe v. Wade."

7. "Yeah, saline's okay, but I still like the classic feel of silicone."

8. 'Ow to speak skank: Feminine Itching.

9. "Like I always said, you can't spell 'Kweefed' without 'K-Fed.'"

10. "Actually, this isn't nearly as gross as the time I was so wasted I mixed up my binging with my purging."

Best of divine miss m
"Have the correct change. Keep the line moving. Line forms to the left."

Best of Submariner
Nothin' to be seein' here folks; just a pair o' skanks playing "Where's Dildo." Please move along...

Best of Cybrludite
Remember when we would have qualified for Thursday on Cap This? Yeah, me neither.

Best of Submariner
Johnny Weir called. He'd like his gowns back...

Best of curly
"I was flashing a shaved beever shot to the paparazzi when this slid out of my vagina. What do you suppose it is?"

Best of jeff
"Hey Brit, you know those lesbo shots I lost off my Blackberry? I wanna go make some more..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"There's always a twenty minute wait for a table at Fridays. But if I do this, we'll be seated immediately. Trust me."

Best of Anonymous
Two boobs and four tits.

Best of lawhawk
Rich drunk and stupid is quite the ways to go through life, dontcha think?!

H/T: Discarded Lies

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Confident, Confident, Communist Pigs

1. "Congratulations, comrade. I told you those 'Hooked on Phonics' courses would work."

2. The curtains fumed, "Either these two smelly Marxists go, or I do."

3. "To Serve Man... is a cookbook!"

4. "How can Heather have two mommies? Grrrr! Noriega-Hulk mad! Crush! Kill! Destroy!!!"

5. "Comrade, I spent hours choreographing 'Y-M-C-A' and you have to screw it up!"

6. "I don't know who stole your pressed prom corsage, but I promise to keep executing villagers until we find it."

7. Finding the pr0n0graphic murals bolted to the wall, Noriega and Chavez steal the guestbook as a souvenir of the Enumclaw bordello.

8. "One of the popular kids signed your yearbook? Let me see!"

9. "Seriously, does this look like a tumor in my armpit?"

10. "I don't know why you're so excited. 'Who's Who in Latin America' is just a scam. For $300, they put anybody's name in it."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I wish the leftards would stop repeating the myth that Adama was busy showing off his copy of My Pet Goat when the Cyclons attacked.

Best of nuts for tuna
Carlos Mencia's work with disabled Mexicans earns him the title of 'The Mexican Jerry Louis'.

Best of curly
"No kidding, Cindy Sheehan autograghed your copy of the Communist Manifesto? I didn't think the broad could write!"

Best of lawhawk
I just saved a bunch of gas money by switching to CITGO!

Best of Jonathan
Manuel celebrates his "Paper, Rock, Scissors" finals victory over Hugo, thrusting his winning "Rock" into the air while Hugo, still holding his vanquished "Scissors", stares in disbelief. Of course, Manuel was executed before dawn.

Best of Jack Reacher
See? Half the pages are blank. I'm not really a speed-reader.

Da Bulls

1. Tragedy struck the set of a Merrill-Lynch commercial shoot today.

2. A scene from Enumclaw's traditional "Fellating of the Bulls" festival.

3. Today, a trespassing PETA protester at Ted's Montana Ranch. Tomorrow, a burger at Ted's Montana Grill.

4. Red Bull gives you wings. Monochrome Bull gives you a severe disemboweling.

5. Another victim reaches the end of Dick Cheney's labyrinth.

Best of Rodney Dill
Andrew Sullivan: "Hey, Kobe Beef, I'm open."

Best of jeff
Larry had very odd tastes, even for someone into bestiality.

Best of Submariner
So you see, Juan, there IS a reason that the "mountain oysters" are sometimes rather small in Madrid; the bull doesn't always lose...
And now you know the REST of the story.

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh great...the one day I forget to charge my BS detector..."

Best of prince of leaves
This wasn't quite what Carlos had in mind when he answered the personal ad from the "black and horny couple".

Best of curly
Andrew Sullivan's wet dream turned to a nightmare when his subconscious confused the usual “man with two huge balls” with “a man with two huge bulls”.

Inspired by curly
Young punk bulls out for a night of "people-tipping."

Best of sonicfrog
... and welcome back to the action of Castro Streets' second annual " 'Sniffing' of the Bulls"...

Best of Jonathan
Not exactly what Sully had in mind when Googling "raging horny beef", was it?

Best of Submariner
Grandma got run over by a reindeer; GrandPA on the other hand met a more macho ending...

Monday, January 15, 2007

Never Let Them See You Rub Your Snotrag on Your Forehead

1. ORA - "Chancho, when you're a man, you rub boogers on your forehead sometimes. It's for fun."

2. "High fever is just one symptom of Ditch Witch Crotch Rot. Next, it starts to burn when you pee."

3. "I know, watching those strapping, shirtless 'Chavez Youth' boys march in the hot tropical sun just gives me the vapors."

4. "Yeah, there's goes Pol Pot, and Mao, and Stalin. See, comrade, Hell isn't so bad."

5. "Madre de Dios! Who knew Dick Cheney had heat vision?"

6. "I know, comrade. Ahmedinejihad's 'Nuke America' rhetoric gets me all hot and bothered too."

7. "It's hot out here. Let's take off our shirts and make love."

8. "Si, the stench from Comrade Sheehan's armpits is eye-watering."

Best of jeff
"Ah, you used the wrong hand! Now we won't take gold in the Synchronized Wiping event!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Man, I never thought the dictator edition of Wheel of Fortune would be so difficult."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes, yes, those compromising photo's with Mr. Cool Ice have been destroyed."

Best of Silhouette
"Imbecile! I'm Carnac the Magnificent. You're Ed MaMahon. Someone hand me my revolver."

Best of prince of leaves
Socialist Tyranny: Apply directly to forehead!
Socialist Tyranny: Apply directly to forehead!
Socialist Tyranny: Apply directly to forehead!
Socialist Tyranny: Apply directly to forehead!

Best of prince of leaves
Somewhere, in a parallel universe blessed with greater fortune than ours, Hugo Chavez nurses a JFK headache.

Best of Jack Reacher
"I'm just saying, if you weren't wearing that ridiculous sash, you wouldn't be so hot."
"Oh, so I should take it off, and let you, Mister I'm Covered With Medals, upstage me? I don't think so. Be careful, or I'll nationalize your a**."

Best of curly
Hugo’s 27th Generalissimo has learned what the previous 26 generalissimos did not: when Herr Hugo wipes his head due to the heat, EVERYONE wipes their head because of the heat. Herr Hugo IS NOT a sissy!

Best of Mr. Right
The final scene from Mission Impossible IV left audiences perplexed when Hugo and his lead henchman were revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman and Carrot Top in disguise.

Best of Mr. Right
ORA "General, have your men seize Señor Keith Hernandez at once! He is the only one who could have possibly hocked such a magic loogey!"

Best of divine miss m
The sight of Hillary's ass...unfit for the eyes of men.

Best of lawhawk
Will Raul just get on with it and declare Fidel dead already? If the stench of death is unbearable in Caracas, imagine how bad it is in Havana.

HT: AM Mora y Leon

One for The Man

1. "You don't wanna go in there. I really stunk the place up. There's also a dead terrorist floating in the bowl, and I used up all your Glade air freshener."

2. "You try chasing terrorists for 24 hours straight and not stopping for a whiz!"

3. "OK, Chloe, I took care of the kittens, but for the last time, why don't you get that damned cat fixed?"

4. In the lamest plot twist yet, Jack is shrunk by terrorists to microscopic size, and must hide between the blades of a Gillette Fusion razor.

5. Damn, it hit my ass on the way out. Another exit spoiled.

6. Season Six, 1:00 pm to 2:00 pm. Jack swings by the U-Stor-It to check on his furniture and stuff.

7. When Jack Bauer farts in an elevator, he doesn't deny it. He just offs the witnesses.

8. ORA - "Yes, I have five dollars for each of you."

9. The walk-in refrigerator in which Jack Bauer keeps his cans of whoop-ass.

10. My favorite part of every season is at the end of episode 24 when Jack comes out from behind the curtain and sings, "I'm so glad we had this time, together..."

Best of Mr. Right
ORA "Now, listen to me very carefully: Whatever you do... don't... put... the candle... back!"

Best of lawhawk
Hi. I'm here for my 15th year high school reunion. They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, these are too long -- it looks like I'm gonna need to try on a pair of 34-30s..."

Best of Cybrludite
When Jack Bauer comes out of the closet, he does so in the manliest way possible.

Best of Submariner
Ummmm, watch your step in there, buddy - blood tends to be slippery on marble...

Best of Submariner
A foot to the right and that round would have REALLY pissed me off...

Best of Submariner
I like you Ahmed - I think I'll kill you first...

Best of Rodney Dill
"I just want to tell you both — good luck, we’re all counting on you."

Best of prince of leaves
After escaping from Enumclaw, torturing Pedro to find the whereabouts of Leon, who he then inadvertently killed in a gunfight with smelly pirate hookers in the parking garage beneath Barney Frank's townhouse, Jack Bauer shows up at Avalon Manor just in time to save Johnny Weir from Andrew Sullivan's prom date, Dawn.

Best of Cybrludite
Dudes! What's with the dog costumes?

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Some Obvious Cana

1. "My grandson said he'd have dinner with me if we could 'smoke a bowl' together."

2. "Just a few more more ashtrays and we'll be ready to start the AA Meeting."

3. "Oh, yeah, grandma. This is a great super bowl party." I will kill you.

4. "... and every time Earl strangled a hitch-hiker, I got to buy an antique bowl. That's how we kept our marriage fresh, right hon'?"

5. "Damn, child, the way you can pound those vodka shooters reminds me of your father."

6. "Oh, don't listen to that nasty Mr. Lileks. I don't think your bowls are 'worthless kitschy crap that looks like a psychedelic Smurf friggin' breakfast table.'"

7. "No, I'm pretty sure not even QVC would want this crap."

8. "And I get all this when you die? Hells, yeah! I gots me some windows to smash."

9. "I don't know, grandma. You might be able to sell enough to get maybe a pint of Thunderbird."

10. "So, the county took away your cats but let you keep the bowls?"

It's Americana

Friday, January 12, 2007

Scenes from a Gay Trailer Park

1. "Pardon me, are those Beagle Boy jeans you're wearing?"

2. "Come, Beagle Boy, Back to the Beagle Cave, where we must compose an emotional, histrionic screed against the mild discomfort and inconvenience suffered by Islamo-Terrorists."

3. "Congressman Frank will be with you shortly, so just put in a butt-plug and have a seat."

4. Ironically, they've never given anyone a bone.

5. Warning signs that your free puppies are NOT going to a good home.

Best of attmay
Disney cut the budget for "103 Dalmatians" and had to replace Glenn Close with Lainie Kazan.

Best of champaignken
Liza Minelli prepares her act for the memorial service of Iawo Takamoto.

Best of divine miss m
Honey, you don't look divine, you look like Divine.

Best of Rodney Dill
"The party begins when 'Hydrant-Boy' shows up."

Best of prince of leaves
Lana was all smiles and girly giggles until s/he noticed the blood trickling down from under the toy-boi's remarkably life-like dog mask. That's when s/he realized s/he hadn't seen Trixie the dog since s/he let her out that morning.

Best of Zeke
The editor had issues on whether to file this under Plushies, or FemDom

Best of Van Helsing
The "Nancy Pelosi—Harry Reid" role-playing game is dog-gone hard to beat when it comes to perversity.

Best of Submariner
♪People... people who need poodles...♪

Best of Submariner
Many a "child of the 60's" took the CSN lyrics "if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with..." FAR too literally

HT: Actually, whoever emailed me this should be too embarrassed to want a hat tip.

Ice, Ice Baby

1. "I bet I can make the Ice Man Cometh," Andrew Sullivan giggled.

2. Between this and the Wednesday pic, I'm thinking letting Ang Lee direct X-Men IV was a HUGE ASS mistake.

3. Bruce really, really loved his job at TasteeFreez.

4. "Mommy, why does that man have a picture of Calista Flockhart on his tummy??"

5. He's also had a lot of bones inside of him, too, if you know what I mean.

6. The Penguin gets some colorful henchmen in Ang Lee's Brokeback Batman. (Say it three times fast, "Brokeback Batman, Brokeback Batman, Brokeback Batman".)

Best of Rodney Dill
AP BREAKING: An anonymous source today exposed the lobbyist that made payments congressman William Jefferson.

Best of divine miss m
In his defense, at least it's all spelled correctly.

Best of jeff
For some people, death is redundant.

Best of Jack Reacher
"Cool lice? What's cool about lice? Is that why you shaved your head?"

Best of Silhouette
This weekend only at the Civic Coliseum: Johnny Weir On Ice

Best of Anonymous
hhhm...yeah, well about that Jim, I am sorry you rushed out and did all that but that name is already taken.

Best of prince of leaves
Tattoos: when simply standing on a table and shouting "I'm a f---head!" simply isn't enough.

Hattip: Timmeh!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

By the way, there's an Army truck in the background

1. "Gee, officer, this is one weird sobriety test."

2. ♪ "You're gon-na make it after all" ♪

3. Oh, yes, yes, you're a naughty, bad little teapot, aren't you?

4. "Torture!" shrieked Andrew Sullivan. "What man would want to have to look at a thing like that?"

5. The Army has really whipped Monica Lewinsky into shape. And she's still wearing a black beret.

Best of jeff
"Okay, someone call Gen. Shinseki - after 5 years we've finally found someone the beret looks good on."

Best of Jack Reacher
Private David Miller stretches the Army's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy to its absolute limit.

Best of andthenblammo!
Staff Sergeant Trixie's training course on "Field-Stripping Your .38's" was always extremely well attended.

Best of andthenblammo!
"This is a classic demonstration of how to fool your enemy; dress for land tactics, and then engage in navel manuvuers."

Best of prince of leaves
With her pinup-girl figure, girl-next-door smile, and vise-like thigh-grip the Inge Mk.3 Espionage Fembot would have been a formidable secret weapon had the Nazi scientists only had time to work out the bugs.

Best of Silhouette
What? Not one caption about soldiers standing at attention?

Best of nuts for tuna
All of the Joint Chiefs of Staff realized that leaving Fran Drescher to languish on syndication was a terrible waste, given the eardrum bleeding and other pain that inevitably accompanied hearing her whine.

This was previously seen on: AoS HQ

Who Says I Don't Have Charisma

1. "Um, it's called a phone. You talk into it."

2. "Dang, that John with the phone booth fetish was faster than a speeding bullet."

3. "OK, Senator Kennedy. I'm a dirty, dirty whore who can't hold her Seagrams. Open wide."

4. "Well, screw you 911. Being out of tampons damn well is an emergency in my book."

5. "Hello, is Prince Albert running in your refrigerator... no, that's not it. Damn."

Best of Straight8
Her underwear doesn't match? What are you, some kind of faggot?

Best of Silhouette
Early 70s telecommunications expert Dr. Wentlow at the exact moment she first had the idea of a cordless phone.

Best of jeff
"A telephone booth with a dumpster in the background - I knew I shouldn't have gone with SOTG's Discount Glamour Photography."

Best of SixDegreesofBlondness
Uhm... does this thing vibrate?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Body Paint and Child Abuse

1. "'Call Child Protective Services?' Are you ungrateful little shits putting down the Chargers defense?"

2. Reese leads Malcolm and Dewey on another bizarre misadventure.

3. Smeared with yellow and blue icing, the boys were promptly delivered to Barney Frank's birthday party.

4. NY Post Headline: Jacko Gets Blue Balls From Blue Boys

5. "Hey, you in the cheesesteak hat! You look like an idiot."

6. Barney Frank takes up finger painting.

7. Watching in the background, a freshly shaved Rob Reiner can barely hold down his arousal with both hands.

8. "Hey, my antennae are picking up a transmission. 'Remember. To. Drink. Your. Ovaltine. - K. Rove.'"

9. "Hey, you guys. That priest just gave us season tickets to Notre Dame's whole season."

10. 49ers home games always get an attendance surge on NAMBLA day at Monster Stadium.

Best of Rodney Dill
"My poop turned green!"

Best of jeff
Mel Gibson said, "I could have used them in Braveheart... they aren't Jewish are they?"

Best of ChaseSmutley

Best of prince of leaves
Why Cheronians and Andorians ought never perform rishathra.

Hattip: Divine the Miss M
Source: SI

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Beach Nuts, Pt. 2

1. She lured him out with a promise of "sex on the beach." He thought she was going to get him drunk. Instead, she took him to some lame-ass, smelly, hippie protest b---s---. The bitch had to die.

2. "You called me 'Jimmy Carter' in the midst of our lovemaking. I will kill you."

3. "You didn't give me enough tinfoil and now the back of my brain is exposed to the Karl Rove mind-control beams. For this, I will kill you."

4. "This takes me back to the sixties... you know, when that Republican warmonger Lincoln took us to war against the south so he and his buddies could loot all the cotton. By the way, I will kill you."

5. Norman Mailer: Closet Armpit fetishist.

Best of The Man
Tin foil on the head, crap in the pants. I love senility.

Best of Adjustah
Enthusiastic Ottawa Senator's fans wait in line.

Best of A.M. Mora y Leon
Hillary's black helicopters are coming to rescue us ... and in the nick of time. Make sure you flash 'em.

Best of prince of leaves
Silly moonbats...the foil doesn't protect you, it just helps Karl Rove's mind rays turn your cranium into a grey-matter Jiffy-Pop.

Sourced out of: Zombietime
HT: Jonathan Yunger

Beach Nuts, Pt. 1

1. Source of the "New York Gas Smell" uncovered.

2. Wave good-by to your sanity everyone. Bye-bye.

3. This happens every time Kobe goes to the beach.

4. Moonbattery melts in your brain, not in your hands.

5. I told them that seagull droppings were a blessing from Mother Gaia, and they should catch and anoint themselves with them.

Best of racerboy
"All hail Jay! Oh, Jay, can you see..."

Best of attmay
And one, and two, and one, and two. Let's lose those spare tires, people! Feel the burn!

Best of divine miss m
VVORA: The man said sit here and the potatoes would be forthcomin'.

Best of Jack Reacher
"There's a white Volvo in the lot, has a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker, and its lights are on. Who owns a white Volvo with a Kerry/Edwards sticker?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Everyone whose politics are motivated solely by an insatiable 'Love Me, Daddy!' drive for parental attention, raise your hands..."

Best of prince of leaves
"Hail Yog-Sothoth, Master Of Dimensions, God Of Desolation, Messanger Of Terror! Hail Nyarlathotep, Unsleeping Lord Of Sin, Herald Of The Barrier!"

Best of ChaseSmutley
Hale-Bopp II: The Next Mutilation

Sourced out of: Zombietime
HT: Jonathan Yunger

Did you lose a bet and have to wear that on your head?

1. Before any of you say it, "I'm Crazy Cheesesteak Head, Gimme Some o' That Crazy Candy"

2. "My bologna has a first name it's O-S-C... um... E..."

3. The hazards of having a flat head and giving out hummers in South Philly.

4. "My. Visit. To. The. Brainslug. Homeworld. Was. Pleasant. And. Uneventful. (drool)"

5. Don't show fear. They can sense fear.

6. Ladies and gentlemen, let me present the guy who always wants to sit next to me on the Metro.

7. Okay, let me explain at least two reasons that cheesesteak through the head failed to kill the vampire.

8. "I got a pubic hair in my rear molars. Wanna see?"

9. INSERT John "Putz" Kerry Provolone joke here.

10. Q. How do you make a Packers fan look like a nuclear physicist? A. Stand him next to this guy.

Best of attmay
My mom had an affair with a hammerhead shark, okay? Now get off my back!

Best of Adjustah
Jack was always happy when his wife came back from the gynecologist because she always bought him a free hat.

Best of ChaseSmutley

Best of Kevin Walker
Andrew Sullivan discovers another item he has to shove up his anus.

Best of Kevin Walker

HT: Divine Miss M
Source: Sports Illustrated