Saturday, December 08, 2007

Middle Aged Female Metric Football Hooligans

FredMiranda/Adam Woodyatt

1. "What the hell is wrong with you? You look like a gawdamm monkey trying to hump a cow-chip..."

2. "I said 'Can I have your phone number?'" Mary Kaye LeTourneau continues looking for love in all the wrong places.

3. "And the doctor says to smear it between your ass-cheeks until the rash clears up. Are you listening to me?" As an adult, Tommy would go on to kill and dismember 45 middle aged women before the Feds caught up with him.

4. Unfortunately, David Beckham could make no sense of the time-traveler's message. "What the hell is a 'Posh?' And what's a succubus?"

5. "Your father and I are getting a divorce!" (Tommy's mom had fifty bucks riding on the other team.)

Best of Whacko
"Tommy!! If you don't score this time down the field, I'll cut off your other arm, you pansy!"

Best of prince of leaves
Caught up in the flow of the match, Timmy was completely unaware that one of the other hypercompetitive parents had just blown out his mother's spine with an AR-15.

Best of Jack Reacher
While his mother shouted at him to keep his feet together, Larry Craig never could remember her tip, and his wide stance would haunt him all his life.

Best of curly
“Pretend the ball is one of your good-for-nothing father’s nuts and KICK! KICK! KICK!”

Best of Silhouette
"Hey batter, batter, batter. SWING, batter, batter, batter." - she didn't have a clue, but she tried.

Best of attmay
Linda got bounced from the field for trying to distract the other team's players with her rancid belches.

Best of The Man
The Pee-wee soccer game was postponed after the unfortunate Zombie attack.

Best of Army of Mom
It took hours in the cerebral palsy league for Billy to get the ball from one end of the pitch to the other.
Yeah, I know I'm going to hell. See you all there.

Best of Army of Mom
You're just like your dad: shooting before you reach the goal!

31 comments:

Submariner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Submariner said...

Tommy was about to find out the hard way that the pro tee-box markers were deeply anchored...

Submariner said...

I Said "YOU'RE.WANTED.ON.THE.VODAPHONE!"
retard...

Submariner said...

Cap This standard #17:

Where will YOU be when your laxative kicks in?

Whacko said...

"Tommy!! If you don't score this time down the field, I'll cut off your other arm, you pansy!"

prince of leaves said...

Caught up in the flow of the match, Timmy was completely unaware that one of the other hypercompetitive parents had just blown out his mother's spine with an AR-15.

prince of leaves said...

"How many of kids in Iraq don't have any legs to kick with thanks to Bush?!?" In Berkeley, even youth soccer matches can't avoid attracting screeching harpy protestors.

attmay said...

ORA: Eventually the Eastland Academy Soccer Team learned to ignore the taunting by Blair's disabled cousin Geri.

attmay said...

"Ow, my stomach! For what they charge for these burritos the least they could do was throw in free Kaopectate!"

Jack Reacher said...

"Quit faking it! I know you have hands in there somewhere!"

Jack Reacher said...

"Your daddy has gone away. He won't be back. And don't do any digging in the backyard, either."

Jack Reacher said...

While his mother shouted at him to keep his feet together, Larry Craig never could remember her tip, and his wide stance would haunt him all his life.

curly said...

Johnny’s successful sidekick into his shouting mother’s mouth earned him $5.00 and the eternal gratitude of his father.

curly said...

“Pretend the ball is one of your good-for-nothing father’s nuts and KICK! KICK! KICK!”

Silhouette said...

"Hey batter, batter, batter. SWING, batter, batter, batter." - she didn't have a clue, but she tried.

attmay said...

Linda got bounced from the field for trying to distract the other team's players with her rancid belches.

Double the U said...

"THE OTHER WAY! THE OTHER WAY!"

Double the U said...

Pick the damn thing up and stop kicking it!

The Man said...

The Pee-wee soccer game was postponed after the unfortunate Zombie attack.

Army of Dad said...

"GOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!"

"Oh, that was just the half way line. My bad."

Army of Mom said...

It took hours in the cerebral palsy league for Billy to get the ball from one end of the pitch to the other.

Yeah, I know I'm going to hell. See you all there.

Army of Mom said...

Billy dribbled faster and faster to get to the cheerleader at the other end of the pitch holding the "cocks" sign.

Army of Mom said...

*yelling*
I said you look hot in that stocking cap!

Army of Mom said...

You're just like your dad: shooting before you reach the goal!

Army of Mom said...

You're just like your dad: one shot and you're done!

Army of Mom said...

Bobby's team was named the Flamingos, but Bobby really took it to heart.

Army of Mom said...

The NAMBLA executive board loved the photo, but wanted the woman cropped out of the shot. She was ruining it.

Army of Mom said...

Jerry Lewis: the early years.

Army of Mom said...

Does he look like a stick figure running or is it just me?

*stolen from Army of Dad when we coached 5- and 6-year-old rec soccer. We had a skinny kid like this who looked like a stick figure when he ran. :)

Army of Mom said...

Dude, to 'bend it like Beckham' isn't referring to your hands!

Army of Mom said...

The rivalry on the pitch continued when the Homos in Training played the Tards. Even the parents got into it cat-calling things like "look at the fluffy bunnies" to distract the players or "your dad got his hotpants on sale at Wal-Mart!"