Monday, December 17, 2007

The last time I saw anything that big on a stage, Princess Leia was standing next to it in a gold bikini

Van Helsing


1. "Compared to what my Gulfstream 450 spewed getting me here, the emissions from you pulling my finger are insignificant. Now, pull, science damn you!"

2. Al Gore's catty ridiculing of the Dutch Environment Minister's shirt inevitably led to a crying jag.

3. "And with the 'Ronco' home carbon credit machine, you sir, and you sir, and you ma'am, can be carbon neutral just like me. It hooks right up to your computer and shifts money directly from your bank account into mine."

4. "You! Gavin Newsome! Get up here and clean this microphone. Then, comfort the Dutch environment minister in your 'manly' arms."

5. With an ear-splitting screech, Al Gore singles out the one participant at the Global Warming Conference who was not yet absorbed into the hive mind.

Best of Submariner
I ask, nay... DEMAND a recount on the Kyoto Treaty vote!

Best of Submariner
Would someone PUH-LEASE! cover that corpse? OH! Sorry Ms Estridge. My bad...

Best of Robert
...shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head...

Best of Jack Reacher
Although he ran the auction himself, bidding was tepid for the remains of Algore's credibility.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Is that the desert tray?"

Best of Rodney Dill
I invented the fat naked Santa.

Best of Submariner
"...and I am like the little Dutch boy, sticking my finger in the dike of man's eco-war against Gaia. I need a better visual; c'mere, Ellen..."

38 comments:

Shayne said...

"You, sir, YES YOU! Pull my finger!"

ThatGayConservative said...

Re: 'Ronco' home carbon credit machine

"But wait, there's more. If you order now for the amazing introductory price of $1,995,000, you'll get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless ashtray!!"

Submariner said...

"Ask not what the Goreacle can do for you; ask what you can do for the Goreacle!"

Submariner said...

I ask, nay... DEMAND a recount on the Kyoto Treaty vote!

Submariner said...

No, the internet was not the first thing I invented. On the first day, I created the light, and I saw that it was good, and I was much pleased...

Submariner said...

No, my energy consumption equalling 20 average American households is NOT an "inconvenient truth." After all, since I'm 20 times the size of the average American man it's only proportional.

Submariner said...

You want an inconvenient truth? Hillary is going to name me to the Supreme Court along with Silky Pony and the Reverend Al...

Submariner said...

Change in style? Well, I AM taking oration lessons from Bill Shatner...

Submariner said...

There is absolutely NO truth to the rumor that Rosie and I are banned from appearing together due to the change in Earth's gravitational field...

Submariner said...

Would someone PUH-LEASE! cover that corpse?
*?*
OH! Sorry Ms Estridge. My bad...

Robert said...

I like Captain Solo right where he is.

Full of myself; full of sh*t... what's the diff?

...shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head...

Jack Reacher said...

Although he ran the auction himself, bidding was tepid for the remains of Algore's credibility.

Jack Reacher said...

In an effort to convince the audience that questions were not scripted, Gore asked each questioner "Now, we've never met before, have we?"

Jack Reacher said...

Pranksters placed a mannequin with Gore's likeness at the podium. Strangely, nobody noticed for twenty minutes.

Jack Reacher said...

IM IN UR WRLD GOVRMNT, RULNG UR LIFE.

attmay said...

I WANT YOU!
To suspend rational thinking skills.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"And we should ALL be against climate change! We want to take all the seasons and make them carbon neutral!"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Yes, you there, ManBearPig in the third row..."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Quit your cryin' you sissy Dutchman."

Son Of The Godfather said...

With all the money they pilfered in the "food for oil" scams, THAT'S the best sign they could afford?

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Is that the desert tray?"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"I just saw Sheryl Crowe using TWO squares!"

Van Helsing said...

"There are too many people in this room exhaling deadly CO2. You, you and you must die."

Rodney Dill said...

I invented the fat naked Santa.

ThatGayConservative said...

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH!!!!"

Whacko said...

"Look, you 'denier'. I've got a great money-making scam going here and I'll thank you not to screw it up with real science and logic!"

curly said...

“You! Tell me one thing thing that’s good about Amerikkka!”

curly said...

“I did not have sex with Any woman!”

attmay said...

"How dare you question the authority of the almighty Goracle! And furthermore, that shirt is just hideous!"

lawhawk said...

You, yes you behind the bandstand, stand still with that science. You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat. And give me $1,000 in carbon credits for the pleasure of that meal.

I'll take "What are pompous asses?" for $2,000 Alex.

By the year 2013, the water will reach that high.

mklasing said...

Stop saying that Mr. Ahmadinejad, Leonardo and I are "just friends."

prince of leaves said...

In an unconscious reprise of Saddam's infamous videotaped purge, Al Gore singles out random attendees as insufficiently eco-friendly. They are subsequently escorted out by his environmental protection squads and mulched for Soylent Green.

Army of Mom said...

Isn't that Corky from 'Life Goes On?'

Army of Mom said...

Bad girl, Tipper. Go to my room!

Submariner said...

"...and I am like the little Dutch boy, sticking my finger in the dike of man's eco-war against Gaia. I need a better visual; c'mere, Ellen..."

sonicfrog said...

The Bali Conference is over, already? Man, it was such a blur.

sonicfrog said...

Al Gore - showing his "Oh" face! "Oh!!! Oh!!! Oh!!!

sonicfrog said...

Well, these are two thing I thought I would never see together in my lifetime - Al Gore and the RNC.