Friday, September 21, 2007

A Rather Deranged Old Man Shouts at his Own Reflection

Van Helsing





1. FREQUNCY IZ 186MHZ. KBAI

2. "I mean it! Lay off Britney. She’s a human! Leave her alone. Just leave her alone, okay?"

3. "'Perfect forgeries!' you said. 'No one will ever know!' you said. Well, d4mn you, Ron Paul. D4mn you to h3ll."

4. "And then Jimmy Carter explained it to me. It's the J-o-o-o-o-s... those sneaky, crafty J-o-o-o-o-s."

5. "Well, if you don't want to get tasered, can't commit armed robbery, and you don't know what this newfangled YouTube thing is, your only other publicity whore option is to file a frivolous lawsuit."

Best of Zeke
"and this is where they crawled out of the mirror and got in thru my mouth, they made me say those things! They made me!"

Best of Silhouette
"He never picks my captions for Best of. Never!"

Best of Jack Reacher
"I had Jello today."

Best of Jack Reacher
"It made me madder than a 1-legged wet rooster in a rotisserie parking lot listening to Gordon Lightfoot."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Best of curly
“Sure, Little Green Footballs may have kicked my ass, but i nic do ukrycia zrjxpzv.”

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Then I slowly pulled Mapes head down like this..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
In the middle of the interview, Rather inexplicably starts singing "Domo arigato" and begins to do "The Robot".

Best of curly
“Even the carcass renderers at the Soylent Green factory have rejected my resume.”

Best of Submariner
I'm an excellent driver. I get my boxer shorts at K-Mart.

Best of Submariner
Same ORA: My name is Charly Gordon and I live in a room, and I got no sister and no dog, and I am stupid!

Best of prince of leaves
"What's the mirror for? You don't honestly expect me to risk a direct sight of Hillary's Gorgon clenis during the interview, do you?"

Best of attmay
His career already in the dumper, Gunga Dan lost his three remaining friends with his impression of Michael J. Fox.


56 comments:

Rodney Dill said...

Where will you be when your laxative kicks in.

Zeke said...

"and this is where they crawled out of the mirror and got in thru my mouth, they made me say those things! They made me!"

Zeke said...

I like soup.

Silhouette said...

"Persecuted, I say! My face is all over the internet every time I turn on my computer!"

"Dan, that's not your computer. It's a table and mirror."

"Until someone shows me definitive proof that it is not a computer, I don't see any reason to carry on a conversation with the professional rumor mill."

Zeke said...

Great Caesars Ghost!

Silhouette said...

"He never picks my captions for Best of. Never!"

Silhouette said...

"Pardon me a moment, duty calls....Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping!"

Silhouette said...

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have typewriters."

metalgarth said...

The President of Nigeria himself sent me an email, promising me that he would let me have 20% of the $30,000,000 he was trying to get into the country. All I had to do was give him my bank account number.

The Man said...

Hey Kobe, I'm open like a greasy diner on Route 1 on a Wednesday night.

curly said...

If you don't beat your meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat?

Kaptain said...

So I called to Kobe, "I'm open, Kobe, I'm open!" But he never threw it to me. Can you believe it? I was open, and Kobe just wouldn't pass it to me. I blame George Bush.

Kaptain said...

"Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you. Thank you. Mr. President. If we could be one-one-hundredth as great as you and Hillary Rodham Clinton have been together in the White House, we'd take it right now and walk away winners."


(Sadly, I'm not making that up.)

Whacko said...

"Look, I really don't care about that $40 million law suit. I was wanted to be the center of attention again. Looks like it worked!"

Van Helsing said...

"I'm telling you that agents of the CBS News-White House conspiracy are in the walls at this moment, listening to our every word!"

Jack Reacher said...

"I had Jello today."

Jack Reacher said...

"The proof is in; Quaker Oats has more fiber than other brands. As a matter of fact, you'll have to excuse me a minute..."

Jack Reacher said...

"It made me madder than a 1-legged wet rooster in a rotisserie parking lot listening to Gordon Lightfoot."

Jack Reacher said...

"I can no longer sit back and allow blogger infiltration, blogger indoctrination, blogger subversion, and the international blogger conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

Capt. Queeg said...

"Hillary's clenis? It may be fake, but this is an accurate estimate of its size."

Son Of The Godfather said...

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

curly said...

“The frequencies abound; I wrap my hemorrhoids in tin foil .”

Son Of The Godfather said...

"MAAAAAAAAAAAPES!"

curly said...

“That Saddam Hussein, what a sexy guy he was…”

Son Of The Godfather said...

Funny, I thought the legend was they couldn't cast a reflection.

curly said...

“Sure, Little Green Footballs may have kicked my ass, but i nic do ukrycia zrjxpzv.”

Son Of The Godfather said...

"This just in from a Kinko's in Texas. It comes from an unimpeachable source... Charles Johnson is the Devil and Little Green Footballs is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy. Courage."

CJ said...

Whoops, there goes my laxative, kicking in...

Son Of The Godfather said...

We present this year's prize to V the K for his timely photograph of Dan Rather stroking out.

Son Of The Godfather said...

"We talked to a secretary-like person who may have worked there at the time, doesn't remember typing the memo, but said it sounded accurate, on a typewriter that had the ability to simulate a Word document from the future... How much more proof do you want?!?"

Son Of The Godfather said...

"Then I slowly pulled Mapes head down like this..."

Son Of The Godfather said...

OK, who went and got Rather in a lather again?...

Son Of The Godfather said...

$70 mil? Rather must be smokin' something good...
♫ "Oh Danny Boy, the pipe, the pipe is calling..." ♫

Son Of The Godfather said...

In the middle of the interview, Rather inexplicably starts singing "Domo arigato" and begins to do "The Robot".

Son Of The Godfather said...

In the opening scene of "Citizen Dan", there's a close up of Rather's dying word...

"Rove..."

curly said...

“Even the carcass renderers at the Soylent Green factory have rejected my resume.”

curly said...

Wow, Britney Spears has really let herself go.

Submariner said...

"Braaaaaaiinssss!"

Submariner said...

I'm an excellent driver. I get my boxer shorts at K-Mart.

Submariner said...

Charlie Babbitt is my brother.

Submariner said...

Dan finds where he left his Flying Fickle Finger of Fate award from '68...

Submariner said...

ORA:

I was wondering why the people who would never dream of laughing at a blind or a crippled man would laugh at a moron?

Submariner said...

Same ORA:

My name is Charly Gordon and I live in a room, and I got no sister and no dog, and I am stupid!




'course in Gunga Dan's case, no operation could have taken him to the elevated state Charly hit for any length of time...

Submariner said...

ORA:

"Kill, lest you be killed yourselves. Kill for the love of killing. Kill for the love of Kali. Kill! Kill! Kill!"

Submariner said...

"Susquehanna Hat Company?" I had a brother that DIED at the Susquehanna Hat Company!

Submariner said...

"...Danny Bonaduce was a thespian's thespian, and finally, K-Fed and Britney DEFinitely have a more talented family than Faith Hill and Tim McGraw...

Kevin Walker said...

Blah blah blah Hillary, blah blah blah prostate exam.

prince of leaves said...

"What's the mirror for? You don't honestly expect me to risk a direct sight of Hillary's Gorgon clenis during the interview, do you?"

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states. Please take 3 of them out.

I am not a crackpot.

Dan R.

Submariner said...

Supper last night? Let's see... Bush's baked beans, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, boiled cabbage, and a burrito supreme. Why?

Rodney Dill said...

"...but they need to take me back. I know what the frequency is now."

the paperboy said...

Dan Rather does not need a laxative. Just a glass of prune juice, a certain Led Zepelin melody, and... AAAAAHHH!!! My picture's on that web site again!.... Courage.

attmay said...

His career already in the dumper, Gunga Dan lost his three remaining friends with his impression of Michael J. Fox.

wacha said...

"and now I'll do the rabbit, look, look at the mirror"

wacha said...

"and when Bush called and said "gotchaaaaaaaaa", I got petrificated"

attmay said...

"That's the last time I let Bob Schieffer pick the restaurant. Where's the Kaopectate?"