Saturday, September 29, 2007

Old Lady at Work

Americana


1. "Can't believe I gotta waste time fillin' out this gawdam 'Ethics Survey' How the Hell they expect me to fix our CGI scripts and hack the router config to bypass the TCP/IP stack error. They'll be sorry when their whole sh1ta$$ network crashes like a Chinese airplane."

2. According to this FEC filing, this Wal-Mart greeter donated $140,000 to Hillary's campaign through Norman Hsu.

3. Estelle liked to pass her time at the office by singing. ♫ "I don't want anybody else / When I think of Matlock I touch myself..."♫

4. "Well, look at these Hillary fundraising records. I better report these to the FEC at once." Edith signs her own death warrant.

5. "Now, let me spell check this Manifesto before we post it on Move-On. 'Come the Revolution, war-mongering basterds will be castrated...'"

Best of prince of leaves
"Lessee, that's 133 fake votes for Ron Paul, only 349 more to go and then I can move on to the next online poll."

Best of Submariner
...so you missed dinner Saturday because you got stoned? Don't bother coming to the reading of my will; I've removed every trace of you, ya self-centered little pot-head.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hmmm... Viking the Kitten sounds cute, maybe I'll visit that blog."

Best of metalgarth
I would have joined Iris, Rose and Opel in their protest against torture, but somehow filling out these medicaid forms seems like a better use of my Sunday

Best of Submariner
"Dear AARP; I never believed your letters until this REALLY happened to me..."

Best of Jack Reacher
"Dear Kobe, Although you haven't answered my previous letters, I feel compelled once more to inform you that I am open..."

15 comments:

prince of leaves said...

Hillarycare won't require any punishment for non-compliance with mandatory annual checkup schedules -- the crushing burden of paperwork required to reschedule will keep everyone in line.

prince of leaves said...

"Lessee, that's 133 fake votes for Ron Paul, only 349 more to go and then I can move on to the next online poll."

Double The U said...

One down: A four letter word for America's worst danger.
Two down: A four letter word for shrub.
One down: A slang term for pubic hair.
Usually Gertrude enjoyed Rosie's crossword puzzles but this one seemed a little odd.

Double The U said...

The new 1040EZ form.
Line one: Please list your total income:
Line two: Please enter the amount from line one here.
Line three: Take the amount listed in line two and divide it by three.
Line four: Place the amount from line three here.
Line five: Take the amount from line four and multiply that by three.
Line six: Take the amount from line five and place it here.
Send the amount from line six to the IRS.

Submariner said...

...so you missed dinner Saturday because you got stoned? Don't bother coming to the reading of my will; I've removed every trace of you, ya self-centered little pot-head.

Love, Granny

Submariner said...

What... Does... A... Yellow... Light... Mean???

Army of Mom said...

Saturday at 6 p.m.: Watch Murder, She Wrote
Sunday at 6 p.m.: Watch 60 Minutes
Monday at 6 p.m.: Watch Matlock

Oh hell, I won't remember where I put this list to remember to watch the shows. Where's my grandson to program the Tivo?

Rodney Dill said...

"Hmmm... Viking the Kitten sounds cute, maybe I'll visit that blog."

Double The U said...

My list of things to complete before I pass on.
Finish high school (check)
Get married (check)
Start a family (check)
go back to school and finish college (check)
Get a good paying corporate job (check)
Tour Europe (check)
save money and buy vacation home with husband (check)
Retire well off (check)
and now, *finally* have that three some with Gertrude and her husband!

metalgarth said...

I would have joined Iris, Rose and Opel in their protest against torture, but somehow filling out these medicaid forms seems like a better use of my Sunday

Gregory said...

The recently enacted FairTax leads to staff reductions at the Internal Revenue Service.

Submariner said...

"Dear AARP;
I never believed your letters until this REALLY happened to me..."

Submariner said...

Dear Sen. Kennedy,
You promised to help seniors with their taxes. Please come by Saturday night about 6 for salmon crouquettes, asparagus and then a couple of fingers of "Old Crow." After that's finished, we'll get down to business on my 1040.

Jack Reacher said...

"Dear Kobe,
Although you haven't answered my previous letters, I feel compelled once more to inform you that I am open..."

Jack Reacher said...

Robin Williams has seriously let himself go.