Saturday, August 25, 2007

Saturday Noir Part I

Lileks


1. "Oh, no, Chelsea... not you too!" Another Chappaqua maiden is about to be deflowered.

2. "Damn, my Stepford wife is stuck in 'Macarena' mode."

3."All right, Darren's out the door, and Tabitha's at pre-school, time to zap myself to Chippendale's."

4. "Why yes, Jack Keruouac and Allen Ginsburg stopped by. How can you tell? What smell?"

5. "Sorry, Billy, you know the penalty for leaving a glass on the sink... five hours in the sweatbox."

Best of Jack Reacher
"You can have my book of Green Stamps when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."

Best of Whacko
"OK, UPS brought my vibrator. Now, where can I hide it so the kids wont find it?"

Best of Double the U
Mary was traumatized when another supporter of Ron Paul tried telling her how wonderful he is.

Best of Cassandra
Wiping away a tear, Mary remembered good old days before John Roberts was confirmed and women were once again chained to their Easy Bake ovens, condemned to churn out endless batches of pink frosted cupcakes for fat, freckled screaming brats. If only she'd listened to Ted Kennedy...

Best of Submariner
Is that a wv or a vvv? a cl or a d? Darn you V. the K. and your verification words; darn you to heck!

Best of prince of leaves
Thought bubble: "I'll just have to fix the leak myself -- if I call a plumber, he's going to find all the dead Fuller Brush salesmen in the crawlspace."

22 comments:

Jack Reacher said...

"You can have my book of Green Stamps when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."

Jack Reacher said...

Sayyid Qutb took one look at Florence's outfit--the uncovered forearms, exposed neck--and fled the room, shouting "Harlot! Harlot!"

Whacko said...

"OK, UPS brought my vibrator. Now, where can I hide it so the kids wont find it?"

Rodney Dill said...

"Wow Sully, I've never seen a man put that many live gerbils up his..."

Double the U said...

Mary was traumatized when another supporter of Ron Paul tried telling her how wonderful he is.

Double the U said...

I can't get the top off this milk bottle, maybe if I stick it under my arm for a few minutes and give it a twist.

attmay said...

"I'll get rid of that damned toy frog once and for all," she thought to herself.

Van Helsing said...

Shrillary approached relentlessly, gesticulating lewdly, a terrifyingly amorous look in her eye…

Cassandra said...

Wiping away a tear, Mary remembered good old days before John Roberts was confirmed and women were once again chained to their Easy Bake ovens, condemned to churn out endless batches of pink frosted cupcakes for fat, freckled screaming brats. If only she'd listened to Ted Kennedy...

Submariner said...

Thought bubble; "So where WILL I be when my laxative kicks in?"

Submariner said...

Oh my Gaia! Maybe the windows on the lavatory weren't such a good idea when Sen Clinton visits...

Submariner said...

Johnny Weir turns ME down for the prom and agrees to go with Andrew Sullivan?

Submariner said...

Is that a wv or a vvv? a cl or a d? Darn you V. the K. and your verification words; darn you to heck!

prince of leaves said...

Thought bubble: "I'll just have to fix the leak myself -- if I call a plumber, he's going to find all the dead Fuller Brush salesmen in the crawlspace."

Anonymous said...

"Is...is this some kind of a cult you're selling, Mr. Dobbs?" Connie was a little nervous when she first met "Bob".

prince of leaves said...

"The milkman always rings once, the postman always rings twice, the coal man always rings three times...but I'll be darned if I can remember who rings 'Shave and a Haircut'!"

prince of leaves said...

"If someone doesn't invent color soon, why, why...I'll just burst!"

[OT: the Dobbs caption at 11:02 was me.]

Kaptain said...

"They've found me. I don't know how, but they've found me. Okay, I've prepared for this. They won't take me alive. Everybody was kung-fu... er, how did the rest of that go? Let it roll, down the highway... no, that isn't it. Oh, Fu-schnickens! If only I'd been paying attention in class." Valerie Plame's real secret identity.

Son Of The Godfather said...

Her plan to get rid of her philandering husband now in full swing, Helen wondered if she should have used the wood chipper outdoors instead.

Army of Mom said...

Shocked Loretta's regret was apparent after she saw the feather-laden Carmen Electra and began singing "I feel like chicken tonight."

Cybrludite said...

Suzie is shocked by a telepathic vision of herself attending the Seattle Hempfest forty years into the future and decided to swear off the chronic then and there.

Paul Raposo said...

While being given a tour of Rush Limbaugh's kitchen, Sally accidentally fell into his Crockpot, never to be seen again.