1. "I don't know why I bother. All this cereal tastes the same."
2. "Hey, Linda Hamilton? I thought I'd run into you here. Yeah, everyone whose ever worked with James Cameron develops a neurotic OCD cleanliness fetish, but it will never erase the stain on your soul."
3. "Hey! Is that Winona Ryder on Aisle 4 stuffing Ty-D-Bowl in her pants? Hi, Winona!"
4. "Oh, no. The muzak is playing Beethoven's Ninth. I'm going to have to go all horrorshow on the next Wal-Mart greeter I see." Trailer from the new movie, A Clockwork Alba.
5. "Excuse me, what works better for getting female ejaculate stains off a satin pillowcase? Gain or Tide?"
Best of jeff
Jessica watches the collisions in the intersection with amusement as every male in the store rushes to help her...
Best of Jack Reacher
"Uh oh, Russell Crowe is in the phone section. Better get ready to duck."
Best of Capt. Queeg
"Aw Hell, here comes that Mr. Whipple again. Charmin's about the only thing that guy won't squeeze."
Best of The Man
Derek Jeter realized that he was the coolest man on earth when he was able to make Jessica Alba run to the local grocery store to pickup a box of tissues so she could come back and wipe the spooge off the bed covers.
Best of Double the U
If a woman uses a mop head for a tampon, it is good advice just to leave her alone.
The Always Good For a Hot Babe Pic