Friday, June 15, 2007

"Keep the Jihad Down, I'm on the Phone!"


1. "Not much. What's up with you?"

2. "So, Michael Jackson, what else has changed since you moved to the United Arab Emirates?"

3. Benetton unleashes its edgiest jeans ad campaign ever.

4. "Hello, Dearborn Dominos? I'd like a large halal pizza with goat cheese and lamb and I swear to Allah I will cut off your driver's infidel head if I so much as smell garlic. Oh, and Cheezy bread."

5. "Sorry Mom, Sully and I were right in the middle of some Abu Ghraib role-playing. Can I call you back in, like, two minutes?"
Best of jeff
"Wait here while I test my cell phone detonator."

Best of metalgarth
If you know the name of the infidel you'd like to behead press 1
If you'd like to select an infidel from a list press 2
para espanol numero tres

Best of sonicfrog
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."

Best of Submariner
Nothin,' nothin,' kickin' back havin' a Bud... you?

Best of Submariner
So, Dawn; wanna head over to Old Navy® after the protest?

Best of andthenblammo!
"AP News Bagdad, Special Correspondent Jamal Speaking......No, that viaduct won't be blown up until tomorrow; send the photographers over to the car-bombing at the main police station instead. Yes, should be in about 30 minutes. You're welcome, happy to help!"

Best of Silhouette
"Am I the tenth caller?! I am so excited; I've never won anything in my life.
Two tickets for next week? Uh...do you have anything sooner?"

Best of Silhouette
Voice on phone: "I'm wearing a long, long, very loose burka. Oh yeah, baby, you can't even tell the color of my eyes. And gloves. Thick, shapeless gloves."

Best of Brian_in_MA
"Barrack Hussein Obama for President, Ahkmed speaking. How much can I put you down for?"

Best of divine miss m
Akhmed gets his jollies by dialing random numbers, saying "Bob Dole wants to know what you're wearin'," bursting into a cackle, and spraying bullets into the ceiling.

Best of The Man
I am in ur headquarters calling ur doodz

Best of The Man
Hello NY Times? I would like to cancel my subscription. HAHA just kidding buddy, I hate Jews too.

Best of Whacko
"Call me one more time about my long distance service during prayers and I'll put a fatwah all over your capitalastic self."

Best of Targetpractice
"Yes, I'd like to donate $2,000 to the Obama campaign. Do you take small, unmarked bills stained with blood?"

Best of Double the U
The banker from "Deal or No Deal" is shown from inside his office.

Best of rebecca
The summer interns at CAIR were frustrated to learn that the promise of "hands on jihad experience" meant cold calling the Dearborn White Pages for donations.

Best of Rebecca
Please press 3 for the saudi student insta-visa approval tele-system ...

Hat tip: The. Man.

46 comments:

Jack Reacher said...

Islamic Phone Porn lines have never actually caught on.

Jack Reacher said...

"Mom! Get out of my room! I'm on the phone! Dammit, I get no privacy around here!"

jeff said...

"Bombs 'R Us - we deliver!

"Islamic Jihad - let me blow your mind (and everything else)!"

Other suicide bombers suspected Achmed was just "calling it in."

"Wait here while I test my cell phone detonator."

metalgarth said...

If you know the name of the infidel you'd like to behead press 1

If you'd like to select an infidel from a list press 2

para espanol numero tres

for inquiries regarding the number of virgins you have earned please call our Martyr Services number during regular business hour at...

sonicfrog said...

"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."
"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking, Just a Moment..."

Submariner said...

Nothin,' nothin,' kickin' back havin' a Bud... you?

Submariner said...

Dammit! I told you NEVER to call me Tupac again! They think I'm dead and I can't afford to lose the royalties...

Submariner said...

So, Dawn; wanna head over to Old Navy® after the protest?

Submariner said...

OK! OK! I PROMISE you they'll be "smelly pirate hooker" virgins...

andthenblammo! said...

"AP News Bagdad, Special Correspondent Jamal Speaking......No, that viaduct won't be blown up until tomorrow; send the photographers over to the car-bombing at the main police station instead. Yes, should be in about 30 minutes. You're welcome, happy to help!"

Silhouette said...

"Am I the tenth caller?! I am so excited; I've never won anything in my life.

Two tickets for next week? Uh...do you have anything sooner?"

Silhouette said...

Voice on phone: "I'm wearing a long, long, very loose burka. Oh yeah, baby, you can't even tell the color of my eyes. And gloves. Thick, shapeless gloves."

Brian_in_MA said...

"Fuck you Papa John, I did not order Hawaiian pizza! Pork-eating infidel!"

"Hello, this is the Allah Evangelical Network, I was wondering if you would be interested in... Hello?"

"Barrack Hussein Obama for President, Ahkmed speaking. How much can I put you down for?"

Anonymous said...

Dude, you've got to see this "airport security pic".

The Man said...

"No I do not want to lower my car insurance."

divine miss m said...

Akhmed gets his jollies by dialing random numbers, saying "Bob Dole wants to know what you're wearin'," bursting into a cackle, and spraying bullets into the ceiling.

The Man said...

Hello Mr. Bush, is your refrigerator running?

The Man said...

I am in ur headquarters calling ur doodz

The Man said...

Hello NY Times? I would like to cancel my subscription. HAHA just kidding buddy, I hate Jews too.

Whacko said...

"Call me one more time about my long distance service during prayers and I'll put a fatwah all over your capitalastic self."

lawhawk said...

I'm calling for Jacques Arse.

Dude, I am so totally switching to Geico, especially after what Fatah did to my car.

If you want to hear about Fatah flying off rooftops, press 1.

All of our operators are standing by to take your phone calls: Dell customer service - the untold story.

captainobvious said...

"hey senator Kennedy;Mahmoud Abbas has given us amnesty and I heard you throw that around as well. So I was thinking...."

captainobvious said...

"yes; I would like to get reservations for camp Obama.."

Submariner said...

Obama campaign headquarters? I think I can take care of your little "Hill problem" for a little consideration...

Targetpractice said...

"Jihad While You Wait, Achmed speaking..."

"Yes, I'd like to donate $2,000 to the Obama campaign. Do you take small, unmarked bills stained with blood?"

"No, I do not want to change my long-distance carrier, infidel!"

"No, Senator Reid, we have still not found the red binder. We will keep killing Fatah supporters until we do...and then continue killing them even after."

Double the U said...

Oh come on dude, you know how I hate blind dates.

Double the U said...

The banker from "Deal or No Deal" is shown from inside his office.

Double the U said...

Hello room service? Yes, I need some lamb kabobs and feta cheese sent up to my room, BUT NOT BY JEWS!

Jay Guevara said...

Hey, it's me, whassup? I just got a new vest. It's da bomb!

Jay Guevara said...

"Hello, yes, operator, I'd like to place a collect call to Guantanamo..."

Jay Guevara said...

"Whaddya mean, ya only got 71 virgins? Count 'em again!"

Jay Guevara said...

"So a rabbi, a priest, and an imam are in a lifeboat...stop me if you've heard this one before..."

rebecca said...

The summer interns at CAIR were frustrated to learn that the promise of "hands on jihad experience" meant cold calling the Dearborn White Pages for docations.

rebecca said...

OK, doNations, the typo totally takes away from the effecr ...

rebecca said...

Jihadé crosses his leg at the knee: "Achmed said this vest made me look fat, and I'm like, girl, don't go there, your sorry 12-pack gut is in another time zone!"

Voice: "You go on with our bad self!"

rebecca said...

aaaaaagh my keyboard is not working ... Your bad self ...

Rebecca said...

Please press 3 for the saudi student insta-visa approval tele-system ...

Double the U said...

Can you see me on the web cam, like what I am wearing? I feel like a teenager from Berkeley .

Miss A. said...

Allah-dammit, now even Osama's number is answered by a call center in India!!

BTW this might be a funnier angle of the terrorist in the security scanner :)

Jay Guevara said...

"Moishe, I told you never to call me on this number. No one can know of our forbidden love!"

Whacko said...

"Hello Acme Bomb tech support? I pulled the string but nothing happened"

"Am sorry to put you on hold."

"By Allah, I hate it when I have to speak to a non-Farsi speaking support geek!"

Double the U said...

ORA: So I said to my girlfriends just the other day, terrorists must lead some innnnteresting lives, the places they must go, the people they must kill.

Jay Guevara said...

One more:

"Yeah, I was so embarrassed. I'll never be able to show my face there again."

Double the U said...

Hello, is this the number to vote on Jihad idol?

Anonymous said...

"I don't know, Achmed, do you really think Cindy She-hag would want to go out with me? Wait a minute, I'm a 7th-century America-hating Islamic terrorist, of COURSE she'll go out with me!"

JonQuixote said...

"Thank you, President Carter, you infidel pig bastard. That speech you gave about how terribly unfair it is for the US and its allies to fund and arm Fatah instead of us was very beneficial to us.
(http://jonquixoteworld.blogspot.com/2007/06/subversion-via-former-us-president-then.html)
"What? Yes, of course we will still donate to the Carter Center - we've only told you that like 72 times!!! Look, I have to go now, I'm feeling a little silly sitting in front of this camera with my legs crossed like one of your kafir homosexuals... NO, HABIB!!! NO PICTURES OF MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"