Friday, March 09, 2007

"Hey! You kids get out of my yard!"

1. "I'm sorry, I don't have any spare change... OMG, you're Eddie Van Halen!"

2. So, I guess Valerie spent all the money before you could buy some dental work?

3. "Somebody get that shrunken apple-head doll off the... OMG, that's Eddie Van Halen!"

4. All right! Who opened the Ark of the Covenant? Was it you, Dwight the Troubled Teen?

5. "Hey, who's that geezer who just crapped his pants ... OMG, that's Eddie Van Halen!"

6. "Dear Mr Van Halen. As you may know, I have something of a fetish for freakishly grotesque men, and, cutting to the chase, are you up for a menage-a-trois? (signed) Mary Matalin."

7. "Dr. Kevorkian, your 10 o'clock is here."

8. "Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Also, vodka, codeine, crystal meth, heroin, crack, amphetamines, oxycotin, valium, ecstasy, peyote, mescalin... they're all a hell of a drug."

9. "Speaking of 'Running with the Devil,' anybody got a change of Depends?"

Best of Van Helsing
"Anybody seen Keith Richards? He made off with my walker!"

Best of Submariner
ORA: "My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention."

Best of Submariner
Bring out yer dead!

Best of Rodney Dill
My god, Helen Thomas sure has aged.

Best of Cybrludite
"Braaaaaains!"

Best of affablerants
"Yeah I got a date.Whitney,lose the pipe and get over here and mingle wouldja ?"

Best of affablerants
"So there we were, just me and that totally lickable toad..."

Best of affablerants
The oldest known Apache warrior was finally at peace now that they got the band back together...

Best of prince of leaves
Taking revenge for Hollywood's betrayal one megastar at a time, Hillary (just out of frame) sucks the life out of George Clooney like a Wraith hive-queen.

Best of Dickey Swollenz
Since Van Halen was no longer touring, Eddie decided to take up posing for Iron Maiden record covers as a side project.

Best of Cybrludite
Dr. Kevorkian, your 3 o'clock is here.

Best of divine miss m
"Grandpa, tell us stories about the '80s again!"

Best of mo fo
"I'm like that character in the fairy tails...What's his name...Rumpled-foreskin, Rumpelstiltskin...What the hell was I just talking about?"

Best of Cricket
Eddie talks about his new role as the Cryptkeeper in the rock musical horror movie "Tales From Eddie Van Halen's Life"


Hat Tip: Divine Miss M
Source: Ass Press

43 comments:

Van Helsing said...

"Anybody seen Keith Richards? He made off with my walker!"

metalgarth said...

Is that Eddie from Iron Maiden or from Van Halen? I can't tell.

Submariner said...

Whoa - Cindy Sheehan has really let herself go, I mean, even worse than usual...

Submariner said...

Da-amn - if "takin' a ride on the Bertonelli express" depletes you this bad, I'm gonna have to revise some of my fantasies!

jeff said...

"Hey, have you seen David Lee Roth? He's supposed to have my Geritol!"

Submariner said...

ORA:

"My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention."

Submariner said...

Bring out yer dead!

Rodney Dill said...

My god, Helen Thomas sure has aged.

divine miss m said...

On second thought, my old Van Halen backstage passes probably haven't become collector's items after all.

A.M. Mora y Leon said...

Is that hair dyed or were you rolling around in the fireplace cinders again?

A.M. Mora y Leon said...

Thaaaat´s right Eddie, we got the front. Now turn your head to the side for the good officer to get the side snapshot.

Cybrludite said...

"Braaaaaains!"

Double the U said...

So I says to her..."Honey, remember in the 80s when you said 'Eddie VanHalen was so freaking hot'?"

Double the U said...

The "just say No!" people should just use pictures of aging rock stars in their ad campaigns instead of the stupid feel good crap they are using now.

affablerants said...

"Yeah I got a date.Whitney,lose the pipe and get over here and mingle wouldja ?"

affablerants said...

"What's that baby? Oh yeah,'The Devil be hittin' me' too.I feel ya..."

affablerants said...

So remember kids, study your scales 13 hours a day when you're a preteen and this too could be YOUR fate.

affablerants said...

Carol Channing at age 30.
God bless Beverley Hills surgeons.

affablerants said...

"So there we were, just me and that totally lickable toad..."

affablerants said...

"I'll get you Tom Petty! And your toothy mouth too!"

affablerants said...

"Well just look at me, of course I'm a big rock star honey!"

affablerants said...

"Is it too late for ME to collaborate with a big rapper ? Hey Puff Daddy! Let's talk man..."

affablerants said...

"Fifteen lines up a dead mans nose,
Yo ho and a bottle of Vicadin!"

affablerants said...

"I liked Crests' new 'Whitening Strips' so much that I bought the company !"

affablerants said...

The oldest known Apache warrior was finally at peace now that they got the band back together...

affablerants said...

"He he, and when I go like this it look like an old womans 'bizness'..."

Cricket said...

Eddie Van Halen talks about his new project wherein he goes undercover to investigate allegations of discrimination against cavemen. He was a natural
for the low budget Michael Moore documentary.

"They won't need a makeup team," he enthused.

Cricket said...

"I open for the Rolling Stones. How great is that?"

prince of leaves said...

Taking revenge for Hollywood's betrayal one megastar at a time, Hillary (just out of frame) sucks the life out of George Clooney like a Wraith hive-queen.

prince of leaves said...

"I just don't get it -- how come the groupies don't wanna get it on with me no more?"

Dickey Swollenz said...

Since Van Halen was no longer touring, Eddie decided to take up posing for Iron Maiden record covers as a side project.

jeff said...

"Hey man, you gotta see it - freakin' vagina six feet tall!"

sonicfrog said...

Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!!

WALSTIB said...

Kinda looks like David Letterman in drag on acid.

Submariner said...

A look that just screams he ♪...sat on a big 10 inch!♪

Rodney Dill said...

"Botox isn't so much fun when it goes bad, is it Madame Speaker?"

Cybrludite said...

Dr. Kevorkian, your 3 o'clock appointment is here.

A.M. Mora y Leon said...

Dude! Where's my dentures!

divine miss m said...

"Grandpa, tell us stories about the '80s again!"

mo fo said...

"I'm like that character in the fairy tails...What's his name...Rumpled-foreskin, Rumpelstiltskin...What the hell was I just talking about?"

mo fo said...

“You’ll find me listed somewhere between Igneous and Sedimentary at the Rock Hall of Fame.”

“Yes, now that I’m older and facing mortality, I am worried about what publishing songs like ‘Running with the Devil’ we’ll mean to me in the afterlife.”

Cricket said...

Eddie talks about his new role as the Cryptkeeper in the rock musical horror movie "Tales From Eddie Van Halen's Life"

'It is loosely based on 'Faustus.'

Submariner said...

Da-amn! Looks like Dorian Grey looked at his picture...