Monday, February 05, 2007

The Hillbeast Show



1. "Bill's dead?"

2. Lordy Lou! I've heard of child-bearing hips, but she looks like she gave birth to the entire Zulu nation!

3. The high point of every Hillary rally is when she queefs into the microphone.

4. "Sssh, quiet everyone. My vagina would like to say a few words."

5. "Yes, I've done Pelosi, and believe me, 'Bottomless Pit' doesn't even begin to describe it..."

6. "And now, the most important part of Making Money Through Real Estate: Disposing of the witnesses."

7. "Don't be silly, I don't even own a leopard-print Speedo."

8. Next on Hillary, "Women Who Hate Their Country and The Democrats Who Love Them."

9. "Meaningless platitude. Meaningless platitude. Dodge. Meaningless Platitude. Dismissive chuckle. Dodge. Dodge. Focus-group tested buzzphrase. Platitude. Dodge..."

10. "And so I said to Ellen, 'Why don't you come back to my hotel room and make your uterus my business?'"

Best of Subby
"Hillary Clinton gives a teaser for her presentation of 'The Vagina Monologues.' This Presidential campaign fundraiser is available for a limited time only."

Best of curly
When you anagram ‘Hillary Clinton’ you get 'only I can thrill' and ‘hairy cl!t’. I’m just saying.

Best of curly
♫ I am woman, hear me bore ♪

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and now everyone please rise for the queefing of the Star Spangled Banner."

Best of Van Helsing
The audience gives a standing ovation after Shrillary proves herself able to recite the entire Communist Manifesto in a single belch.

Best of Submariner
"Did her. Did her. Did her. Did her. Did her. Rejected him. Did her..."

Best of Jack Reacher
Filling in for Jerry Springer is Hillary Rodham, hosting today's show: "My marriage is an empty sham, but my ambition will overcome all."

Best of Jack Reacher
"When I rule, you people will be my slaves, and you will call me, Emperor!"

Best of attmay
Of course I love America. I love America TO DEATH. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oops, the mike's still on.

Best of Jonathan
Hillary reacts with delight as the smelly pirate hooker jumps out of the cake.

Best of WALSTIB
-"It's a strap-on!"
-It's a microphone!"
"You're both right - it's Popeel's new Strap-A-Mic. Just set the volume, strap it on, and have some fun. Let's watch and listen to a live demo from those guys on the screen above."

Best of prince of leaves
Where will YOU be when your Prozac suppository kicks in?

Best of prince of leaves
Hillary thought bubble: "Invoke charming smile #9 with 92% teeth visibility...apply catwalk body twist #8-46w, counter-clockwise, left foot forward...emit girlish laughter sequence #Q-808, amplitude 5, pitch 115...pronounce bromide #9d-23 with voice pattern #13013...Wow, who would have thought being natural and spontaneous was this easy?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Well, now, that's a very good, if pointed question, Bob Halvorsen of 606 Marsh Lane. And when I'm crowned God-Empress, I'll make sure that you get a very personal answer."

Best of WALSTIB
No. Really. I couldn't possibly take the whole Amherst College Ladies Lacrosse Team back to my dressing room after the show. Well...maybe just for a few minutes then.

From Subby, via Drudge, who demands that "Hillary Clinton gives a teaser for her presentation of 'The Vagina Monologues.' This Presidential campaign fundraiser is available for a limited time only." be promoted to immediate Best of status.

46 comments:

Rodney Dill said...

"Obama rama ding dong."

Submariner said...

I swore off alcohol when I I found out I was carrying Chelsea, so NO, Bill hasn't touched me in decades...

Jason said...

Can I get a "what what?"

Jason said...

If I get the microphone just right, you can hear the sand grinding together.

bad-d-d-dude said...

Terrorists all over the world quake at the very thought of this imposing figure become commander-in-chief of American Armed Forces and leader of the free world.

curly said...

When you anagram ‘Hillary Clinton’ you get 'only I can thrill' and ‘hairy cl!t’. I’m just saying.

The crowd of moonbats look up-up-up as they watch the projected deficit numbers sore under Hill’s universal health care plan.

♫ I am woman, hear me bore ♪

curly said...

“Sure, Obama’s relatively clean and articulate…for a black person!”

curly said...

Hillary shows of her skills as a ventriloquist as she queefs the ‘Star Spangled Banner’.

curly said...

Hillary does a remake of “The Vagina Dialogues”, aptly renamed “Porkloins”.

Rodney Dill said...

(along the lines of #4)

"...and now everyone please rise for the queefing of the Star Spangled Banner."

Rodney Dill said...

oops I missed Curly's entry

Occasional Reader said...

[Man sitting on floor, gazing hungrily at Hillary, thinks:] It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose.

In other news: V the K, this one's got, well, "V the K/Caption This!" written all over it: http://www.smh.com.au/news/world/ovation-for-fiery-mahathirs-claim-west-worse-than-alqaeda/2007/02/05/1170524027302.html

Van Helsing said...

The audience is delighted after Shrillary proves herself able to recite the entire Communist Manifesto in a single belch.

Silhouette said...

Hillary looking at the photo later: "Dammit, the props, I mean supporters are too white! Someone get my photoshop specialist in here. Where's Adnan?"

Silhouette said...

Sen. Clinton today unveiled her plan to merge all 50 states into three.

Submariner said...

You don't hear anything, right? That's because it takes an opening to "hear the ocean."

curly said...

Hey Rodney! Brilliant minds think alike! I sure enjoy your caps -- funny as hell!

Submariner said...

Today on "Washington Whispers;"
The deadliest weapon in DC speaks out.

Submariner said...

"Did her. Did her. Did her. Did her. Did her. Rejected him. Did her..."

Submariner said...

Hillary? John Kerry just announced he wouldn't run...

Jack Reacher said...

Filling in for Jerry Springer is Hillary Rodham, hosting today's show: "My marriage is an empty sham, but my ambition will overcome all."

"When I rule, you people will be my slaves!"

Anonymous said...

No, don't be silly rules and taxes are for you people, not for wealthy liberals who want to control you.

attmay said...

Of course I love America. I love America TO DEATH. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oops, the mike's still on.

Jonathan said...

Hillary reacts with delight as the smelly pirate hooker jumps out of the cake.

Jonathan said...

Though the question wasn't asked, I'll answer it anyway: Yes, she "looks like a b#tch"!

Dave said...

The FUNNY part of the monologue, where it talks about banging a little girl.

walstib said...

"...and on the screen above, our next slide depicts what's going to happen to taxpayers if I'm elected. It's commonly known as 'getting screwed with your pants on'"

attmay said...

She looks pretty chipper for someone whose sister was just crushed by a Kansas farmhouse.

WALSTIB said...

-"It's a strap-on!"
-It's a microphone!"

"You're both right - it's Popeel's new Strap-A-Mic. Just set the volume, strap it on, and have some fun. Let's watch and listen to a live demo from those guys on the screen above."

Jay Guevara said...

Those Katie Couric tutorials in "perky" mannerisms are definitely paying off, if the lunches deposited on the sidewalk is any indication.

Anonymous said...

Hey everybody!

What's bigger than a cigar?

prince of leaves said...

"Enough of my jawboning -- let's hear from your future co-president!"

prince of leaves said...

Where will YOU be when your Prozac suppository kicks in?

prince of leaves said...

Hillary thought bubble: "Invoke charming smile #9 with 92% teeth visibility...apply catwalk body twist #8-46w, counter-clockwise, left foot forward...emit girlish laughter sequence #Q-808, amplitude 5, pitch 115...pronounce bromide #9d-23 with voice pattern #13013...Wow, who would have thought being natural and spontaneous was this easy?"

prince of leaves said...

As punishment for daring to protest outside Hillary's town hall meeting, Bob was handcuffed and shackled and forced to sit on the floor up front for the entire event.

prince of leaves said...

The alien infiltrator in "Mars Attacks II" had a much more disturbing disguise, but the same strange gait.

prince of leaves said...

"Well, now, that's a very good, if pointed question, Bob Halvorsen of 606 Marsh Lane. And when I'm crowned God-Empress, I'll make sure that you get a very personal answer."

prince of leaves said...

Hillary exulted as the crowd
wildly chanted "Douch-e! Douch-e! Douch-e!"

WALSTIB said...

No. Really. I couldn't possibly take the whole Amherst College Ladies Lacrosse Team back to my dressing room after the show. Well...maybe just for a few minutes then.

WALSTIB said...

Swallow another live baby? No really. Four is my limit on live TV, especially when I have an afternoon sacrfice schedule to keep to. But you've been a terrific audience!

WALSTIB said...

I'm telling you (mmmmmm) as I stand here before you (oooooo) Carl Rove is controlling this vibrating microphone (ahhhhh) from his bunker in Colorado (oh oh oh oh mmmmmm)

Rodney Dill said...

"...and that's when ..(ha).. I dedided to .. (ha).. run Buddy down with the car... (ha snort)"

Submariner said...

From the looks of that "kid" to Hillary's right, no self-respecting cub scout would stand (or sit) for her.

Anonymous said...

"Sssh, quiet everyone. My vagina would like to say a few words."

Sorry, not gonna work. The only ones to hear her quim talk are bats - which all things considered seems about right.

Submariner said...

Ia! Ia! Shub- Niggurath,! Black Goat of the woods with a thousand young, hear my pleading for vengeance!

Anonymous said...

Donatella Versace says ditch the pants.

http://tinyurl.com/229utx

How about the strap-on?