Saturday, February 03, 2007

Americana Aftermath



1. Lindsey Lohan drove herself to rehab earlier this week.

2. The driver would later claim he swerve to avoid "a blond speedbump with ginormous ta-tas."

3. And Racerboy and Divine Miss M vowed never to re-enact that scene from Parenthood ever again.

4. "We're just glad you're all right, Senator Obama. Do you have any idea who could have slashed your brake lines?"

5. Fortunately, Toonces was thrown clear and suffered only minor injuries.

6. "So, you were listening to 'Air America' and the stupidity shorted out your on-board computer. We get that a lot."

7. "No, Senator Kennedy, this isn't Bush's fault. You're just sh*tfaced as usual."

8. ORA: Actually, monkeys make very poor getaway drivers.

9. "We were just re-enacting a scene from Talladega Nights. By the way, you might want to tell animal control to be on the lookout for a live cougar."

10. The B-52's last trip to the Love Shack ends tragically.
Best of Rodney Dill
I always love it when the Bill Joel concert comes to the town.

Best of prince of leaves
"Nope, there's nobody inside...just this note to the driver from 'Your Number One Fan'..."

Best of curly
“Officer, the last thing I remember before taking out this porch was eating a cupcake that these two lesbo hippy chicks gave me.”

Best of andthenblammo!
"Next year, your damn 'Polish sausage, Chili and Baked-Bean Cookoff' is being held at somebody else's house!"

Best of andthenblammo!
This is why the city closed "Effie F-Cup's Topless Drive-Thru Muffin and Coffee Shack".

Best of Jack Reacher
The driver was found wandering some distance away, clad only in red slippers, a helmet, and a Speedo.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Sorry, but I'm definitely having little Schuylers's Ritalin dose increased. I don't care how well he's doing in Pee-Wee football!"

Best of andthenblammo!
I'd say this shows what it takes to flunk your driver's test in Massachussetts. Maybe.

Best of racerboy
Monthly meetings of the North Florida Womens' Sports Car Club proved to be as popular with the local contractor's union as with the membership...

Best of attmay
Nice, making fun of Nicole Kidman's accident on the set of her latest self-conscious Oscar grab. Read about it, educate yourselves, morons.

Best of Submariner
No, Jim, I DON'T think Mary "understands" finding your secretary's panties in the glove compartment...

Best of floranista
Ryan O'Neal's decision to start his home renovation project didn't work out exactly as planned.

Best of Kevin Walker
More victims of Rosie's PMS rampage, as damage spread to three states and President Bush declared fourteen counties "Disaster Areas."

32 comments:

Rodney Dill said...

I always love it when the Bill Joel concert comes to the town.

nevergrewup said...

"I told you if we didn't start cleaning up, just a little bit, the neighbors were going to think something bad came this way."

Anonymous said...

yeehaw! Hey Maw! Billy-Jo-bob just drove up!

prince of leaves said...

Homeowner thought-bubble: "Damn -- if she hadn't swerved at the last moment, we could have gotten ourselves a brand-new doublewide out of this."

prince of leaves said...

"Nope, there's nobody inside...just this note to the driver from 'Your Biggest Fan'..."

prince of leaves said...

Policeman looking at wreck: "And yet again, another catastrophic failure the day after the warranty expires. Man, Ford's got this 'planned obsolescence' thing down to a science..."

curly said...

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (AP) – The aftermath of Groundhogs Day, which has become a day of drunken debauchery.

Van Helsing said...

Why Rosie O'Donnell and Taco Bell don't mix.

curly said...

“Officer, the last thing I remember before taking out this porch was eating a cupcake that these two lesbo hippy chicks gave me.”

In today’s episode of ‘This Old House’, Norm shows the viewers how to ‘really put the screws to the homeowners’ when bidding on insurance jobs.

curly said...

After 30 years of smoking, the Big Bad Wolf had to resort to slamming a stolen car into the three little pigs’ house.

andthenblammo! said...

"Next year, your damn 'Polish sausage, Chili and Baked-Bean Cookoff' is being held at somebody else's house!"

andthenblammo! said...

This is why the city closed "Effie F-Cup's Topless Drive-Thru Muffin and Coffee Shack". Especially since it was the sixth accident there this week.

andthenblammo! said...

(beep)"Thank you for calling Pride o' Osama industries, makers of 'Little Jihadi Toy Bomb Belts'. We are receiving higher call volume than usual due to our latest shipment being apparantly even more 'real life' than normal. Please stay on the line. (beep)"

Jack Reacher said...

The driver was found wandering some distance away, clad only in red slippers, a helmet, and a Speedo.

andthenblammo! said...

"Sorry, but I'm definitely having little Schuylers's Ritalin dose increased. I don't care how well he's doing in Pee-Wee football!"

Jack Reacher said...

Building a car inside the house was, indeed, cool. But removing it when the project was completed proved problematic.

andthenblammo! said...

Brandon thought the idea about the skateboard, the JATO bottles, and the on-ramp to I-452 was a sure-fire can't-fail stunt. Brandon thought wrong. But at least his parents played the video at his funeral.

Jack Reacher said...

V the K: I think this particular photo has promise.

http://images.washtimes.com/photos/full/20070202-104316-7173.jpg

andthenblammo! said...

I'd say this shows what it takes to flunk your driver's test in Massachussetts. Maybe.

racerboy said...

Monthly meetings of the North Florida Womens' Sports Car Club proved to be as popular with the local contractor's union as with the membership...

racerboy said...

Eventually, however, their landlord would require them to use valet parking.

Anonymous said...

Former President Carter had to cancel his speech on this latest "act of Israeli war mongering" when the concept of a tornado got through to his Alzheimer's ravaged brain.

attmay said...

Nice, making fun of Nicole Kidman's accident on the set of her latest self-conscious Oscar grab. Read about it, educate yourselves, morons.

Submariner said...

Welcome to the Teddy Kennedy Driving School...

Submariner said...

>snicker >snicker
Now remember, when the wrecker driver walks up to check out the undercarriage, pull the string attached to the prop board real hard...

Submariner said...

I know it's been a while since he had a hit, but I don't think "Close Encounters of the Ford Kind" is gonna make it for Spielberg...

Submariner said...

No, Jim, I DON'T think Mary "understands" finding your secretary's panties in the glove compartment...

floranista said...

Ryan O'Neal's decision to start his home renovation project didn't work out exactly as planned.

Kevin Walker said...

Michael Schumacher found parking outside of Formula One a little harder.

Michael Moore's dash for the final Little Debbie snack cake turns out tragic.

Some more victims of Rosie's PMS rampage.

Submariner said...

inspired by kevin walker's post:

"There we were, discussin' growin' up in Flint, and Jerry said somethin' about a 'run for the border.' Mr. Moore's eyes glazed over and rolled back and then he bolted out the side of the house murmuring 'yo quiro, yo quiro' over and over..."

Anonymous said...

...while driving to a 2am session of Congress...

Anonymous said...

"Yeah, the Duke lacrosse team had a party here last night. How did you guess?"