Saturday, January 27, 2007

Logs, Wood... It's a Target Rich Environment



1. "Yes, daddy's little bull dyke looks cute in her flannel shirt."

2. "I already told you sweetheart, we have to use the old tools because there's a hooker in the woodchipper."

3. On Monday, her teacher would ask, "What did you do this weekend?" She said, "I gave daddy wood." By Tuesday, she was in a foster home.

4. "Well, honey, you've dressed in nothing but flannel since you were three and you'd rather chop wood than play with dolls, so it's not surprising you want Hillary to be president."

5. "Because it's written in Exodus, 'Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Witch to Live,' or, in your sister's case, a Vegan. Just help me with this kindling, okay?"

6. "But, daddy, I don't wanna be a moehl

Best of curly
“That’s right honey: straight into the fire with them, just like your two-timing mother on judgment day.”

Best of 2spotlefty
Just as I taught your brother Habib,allah rest his soul,so to shall you learn the great muslim art of separating the infidels' head from its body.Now,just pretend that this log is a screaming monkey jew pleading for mercy...

Best of prince of leaves
Lumberjack Ed never knew what hit him when the cloaked Predator ripped out his still-squirming spine.

Best of curly
“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? None, because I’d chuck his infidel head off, lickedy split.”

Best of attmay
I didn't want to be a 5th grader. I wanted to be...A LUMBERJACK!

Best of Submariner
Uncle Al? Dad said I could only help you until you broke out the Binford T2000 "personal massager..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Gee I wish I could pinch a log like you dad."


Filed Under: Saturday Americana

16 comments:

curly said...

Young Briana's dad always creeped her out by mentioning Pinocchio, the Ents, the Nutcracker and other wooden childhood characters whenever he cut the firewood.

“That’s right honey: straight into the fire with them, just like your two-timing mother on judgment day.”

curly said...

“Sweetie, thanks for all of the reverences to John Wayne Bobbitt and the chopping and burning of all things phallic, but would you please hold your comments and carry the wood to the fireplace?”

2spotlefty said...

Just as I taught your brother Habib,allah rest his soul,so to shall you learn the great muslim art of separating the infidels' head from its body.Now,just pretend that this log is a screaming monkey jew pleading for mercy...

2spotlefty said...

NO NO NO! You cut where the mouth would be! In order to get a nice "head shot" for the camera,you MUST cut along the neck line!

2spotlefty said...

This isn't the actual tool we'll use on your sister for being raped,this one's actually been sharpened,HA! HA! HA!, but I just wanted to make sure you understand not to hit her in the head during the stoning so she'll see what's coming when me and your brother come at her with the rusty stuff from the tool shed.

prince of leaves said...

Lumberjack Ed never knew what hit him when the cloaked Predator ripped out his still-squirming spine.

prince of leaves said...

"We may not make the best spliffs in Ecotopia, son, but we damn sure make the biggest."

Submariner said...

We smooth 'em, but not TOO much; they're for the folks down at Avalon Manor...

curly said...

“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? None, because I’d chuck his infidel head off, lickedy split.”

Jack Reacher said...

Mr. Hodges' wood-cutting demonstration at the Amish school was destined to run long, as he wasn't aware that electrical outlets were unavailable.

attmay said...

I didn't want to be a 5th grader. I wanted to be...A LUMBERJACK!

Submariner said...

ORA?

♪Ooooooh, I'm a lumber jack and I'm OK;
♪I sleep all night and I work all day.
♪I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers;
♪I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
♪I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra;
♪I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.

Submariner said...

Uncle Al? Dad said I could only help you until you broke out the Binford T2000 "personal massager..."

Zeke said...

The FisherPrice brand "little Logger" was a hit with the kids despite the frequent accidents.

Rodney Dill said...

"Gee I wish I could pinch a log like you dad."

ThatGayConservative said...

"I don't think so, Tim!"