Out in the Woodsy Woods

1. "We've only been in these woods for half an hour, and there's a state highway right over there. I don't think we need to resort to drinking each other's urine just yet, Mr. Sullivan."

2. "Are you telling me the only trace of the teenagers you've found at this abandoned summer camp is some old hockey mask?"

3. "I think you should go ask those inbred rednecks for directions, Ken. After all, you do have the purtiest mouth."

4. The Revenuers still haven't found the still V the K's family keeps in the woods behind the homestead.

5. "I got a better idea. Before those meddling kids foil our plans, let's butcher them and their little dog, too."

6. "Now, I don't want you guys to panic, or anything, but this is the exact same Oregon wilderness where Bear Grylls ate his entire camera crew out of sheer desperation."

7. "This looks like a good place for the concentration camp. Soon as we clear out the trees, we'll start trucking in the homos and leftists."

8. Mythbusters Tackles the Question: If you pull a man's finger in the forest, does it make a poot?

9. "Look, all we have to do is survive in Dick Cheney's woods for 24 hours, and then we're free."

10. "OK, Gina, we'll set up the camera here, you, Buck, and the dog strip down and get ready for the scene."

Hot For Teacher - The Motion Picture

1. "My breasts think Debra Lafave and Mary Letourneau got a raw deal. What do you think, Billy?"

2. "Billy, I see by your button you're an Anarchist, too. Don't you think Age of Consent laws are a tool of societal oppression?"

3. "Welcome to the California Public Schools. We'll start today's lesson by ridiculing your parents' values, and then we'll spend the next nine weeks pretending to be Muslims."

4. "Extra credit if I let you shave my junk? Okeedokee!"

5. "No thanks, Ms Hoover. The wrestling team says you could bake bread in that poossie."

6. "Oh, so it's Mrs. Fualaau now. Whatever, anyway, wanna meet back at my folks's place for a little AfterSchool Special?

7. "Um, Ms. Hoover, I'm in chorale and the drama club, and I'm aceing home ec. Do I have to draw you a freakin' picture?"

8. "Mr. Gibson, the correct term of address is 'Ms. Weinburg,' not 'Kike-Bitch.'"

9. "Really, Mrs. Hoover. And when did you first realize underwear were just an instrument of male white corporate oppression?"

10. Billy was too mesmerized by her breasts to warn her about the flying jellyfish.

Best of Submariner
Not bad for a first effort Billy, but my labia are more pronounced...

Best of Submariner
Uh, no. I've never succeeded getting one more than 11 feet up a standard garden hose. Why do you ask?

Best of Submariner
Hannibal; can you explain this recipe for "quadricep and fava beans" I found in your back pack?

Best of Rodney Dill
"So you're uh... Stifler's mom?"

Best of lawhawk
How can you have any pudding if you wont eat yer meat?

Best of Joe
"That's right, Teach...I'm hung like Saddam Hussien."

I May Have Lied

1. As evidenced by this recent documentary, the Chi-Coms continue to gloss over Tiananmen Square.

2. Fringed boots, short shorts, and a retractable dome hat, coming soon to a teenaged slut near you.

3. Modern Asian War Protesters don't set themselves on fire, but they are totally hot.

4. "See, girls, if you get lost in Chappaqua, just ask the neighbors. They know where to point ye."

5. "We Ho! We Ho! It's off to work we go."

Best of jeff
"Lori Petty? Who is Lori Petty?"

Best of The Man
I'll take a #23 with a side of VD.

Best of Submariner
After a quick look, I don't think Bob Hope would have sung "T'anks For The Mammaries" to 'em.

Best of Submariner
Girl in white; "So I'm recluiting fol L'il Kim gloupies - cute unifolms, a bed or twenty to sreep on and arr the Kolean "sausage" you can eat dairy; must keep dear reader's tloops happy..."

Best of divine miss m
In Detroit, that outfit would be accessorized with a lamp post and a public defender.

Best of joe schmedlap
No Mr Kerry you not "trop beaucoup" and I dont know why you insist that I say you are!! Now return to your table for one.

Best of Joe
"We wear hubcaps as hats for the convenience of our customers. That way, they have a place to set their beers while we're working."



AM Mora Y Leon sent me this. Say thank you, everyone.

Last Thursday Babe of '06

1. ORA If Assignment Earth had gone to series, we could have looked forward to Teri Garr regularly applying stern discipline to Gary Seven.

2. "You want humiliation, worm? OK, let me send you to Iraq and let you dine alone in a crowded mess hall."

3. "Jack, Janet, Mr. Roper says you've both been very, very naughty."

4. "What do you mean Santa ran off to Fire Island with a barely legal elf?"

5. First rule to escaping the Kennedy Compound: Find a weapon, any weapon!

6. Senator Clinton was overjoyed with her Christmas Sapphic Saturnalia present: "Thank you, Nancy. It's just what I've always wanted."

7. "Aw, Mom, Dominatrix Barbie was so-o-o-o 2005. I wanted the DVDA Barbie with expanding orifices."

8. Worms, you did not re-elect SondraK as Conservative Blogress Diva and now you must be punished.

9. "Dude, Make your move now. She looks vulnerable."

10. Oh, yeah. Like Hef is just gonna leave out cookies and milk like everybody else.

Best of The Man
Since there is no hot chick there to do it. I volunteer to stick my hand down her pants.

Best of sonicfrog
Looks like someone's going to be flogging in the New Year.

Best of sonicfrog
♫ These shoes are *ouch* made for *ouch* walking *ouch*....♫

Best of Capt. Queeg
Bonus Question: Identify the number of boxes wrapped in black ribbon.

Best of Submariner
Welcome to V. the K.'s "Crop This!"

Best of Submariner
Ms Letourneau prepares for the Phys Ed hour...

Best of Submariner
Rosie giggled, "Thank Gaia! It's EXACTLY what I wanted for the Winter Solstice!"
Then Barbara explained she was for 'The Donald.'

Best of Adjustah
Excuse me, Miss? You dropped your 'Free Hugs' sign...


HT. Submariner. Source: FoxNews

Dining Alone in Iraq

1. "Soylent Green is made out of dumb peasants who didn't study hard and got stuck in Iraq!"

2. "Why does this 'foie gras' have little lumps of Tidy Cat stuck to it?

3. "Are these scrambled eggs, or someone's idea of a botched joke?"

4. "See if you can get one of these dumb peasants who didn't study hard and got stuck in Iraq to hold my hair while I purge."

5. "Why do these bran flakes taste like boogers?"

6. "I do believe one of these dumb peasants who didn't study hard and got stuck in Iraq pissed in my apple juice."

7. "Would one of you dumb peasants who didn't study hard and got stuck in Iraq get some gin for Tuhrayzuh's Raisin Bran?"

8. "No, senator, I'm afraid there's no booze in the officer's club. Howard Dean's kid came by and cleaned the place out."

9. "Actually, Tuhrayzuh is just as good in the kitchen as she is in the bedroom; in both places, I end up handling my own meat."

10. "When is that stupid waiter who didn't study hard and got stuck in Iraq going to get back here with my Parmesan?"

Best of Van Helsing
"The last time I sat at a table this empty was when Tuhrayzuh let one rip after a few too many anchovy hors d'oeuvres."

Best of Submariner
That's ok - none of you un-educated military rubes would be ABLE to understand the subtley layered nuances I use anyway. Do any of the rest of you have hotcakes that smell like a latrine?

Best of The Man
John Kerry burnt his tongue on his latte and then applied for his fourth purple heart.

Best of Charlie
"I know I asked that illiterate messcrank for geedunk...and he gave me this shit on a shingle"

Best of Submariner
"They'll sit down and talk to me when I get them a can of 'relative bearing grease' Great! Just freaking great! Where the heck am I going to get one of those?"

Best of Doubting Nick
"I was fed my meal in a fashion reminiscent of Jen-Jiss Caan...."

Best of Targetpractice
In the next photo, Sen. Kerry cut himself with his plastic knife, claiming he was attacking the Vietcong who popped out from under his table. He later put in for his fourth purple heart and a bronze star.

Best of Submariner
"...ah, yes - I remember Christmas in Cambodia. There I was, surrounded by enemies; unable to tell anyone about it for fear of offending party leadership."

Best of Anonymous
No, that white patch on my lips in not leprosy. And no, you really don't want to know what it really is, either.

Best of southchild
“Well, I asked for some dinner companions before I decided against it…"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Whaddya mean Jane Fonda isn't gonna be here. Damn that Cheney punked me again."

Best of 2spotlefty
"Who ARE these people!?! I mean reeeeeally,this place is soooo not the Hamptons! Garsone! DO YOU MIND!?! Freshen my beverage(with the funny spittle flavor)would you?"

Best of Adjustah
Senator Kerry dines with his Army supporters...


The pic Everybody is talking about comes from Powerline and Captain's Quarters.

Another Beach Honey in a Thong

1. "Continuing our Fire Island tour, over there is the restroom where Gerry Studds felched his first page."

2. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck enjoy a private beach vacation, Brokeback style.

3. "Don't worry about ditching your wife and kids to run off with me this Christmas. I'm sure they'll turn out just fine, Mr. Dahmer."

4. In today's ironic news, a tanker carrying 50,000 gallons of KY jelly broke apart off Fire Island.

5. Bruce loved Christmas at the beach, where he could wear an outfit that hid all the ravages of AIDS without arousing suspicion.

HT: SondraK

Dashing Through The Snow

1. Finding herself flat on her back and experiencing a rough ride, grandma instinctively lifts her heels and spreads her legs wide.

2. "If lighting a fart got me into this, perhaps lighting a queef will get me out.

3. A possessed sled hurtles another victim to a gruesome death in Stephen King's Rosebud.

4. Martha Stewart's mom soon regretted commenting on the amount of nutmeg in the eggnog.

5. "... whereas now, she uses cunning stunts to get men's attention."

From : SI

Santa and Some Guys

1. Santa and his helpers express approval at the choice of Thursday babes.

2. Deciding the gladiator elf fought nobly, Emperor Santa Claus decides to spare his life.

3. Stoned beyond belief, Santa and his two helpers spend Christmas Eve helping Little Jack Horner gather imaginary plums.

4. "Wonder twin powers... activate!"

5. Teens dig the new Tarantino version of A Christmas Story, where Ralphie Parker really does put his eye out amid a stream of obscenities.

6. "Huzzah! More teenaged hitch-hikers for my crawlspace," Barney Frank knew this would be the Best Christmas Ever.

7. Santa agrees to bring Tyler the one thing he wanted most this Christmas... pubes.

8. "Hey, the old dude's gonna buy for us! Kegger at my house!"

The Obligatory Christmas "What's She Singing" Caption Set

1. "Watch the parents freak out when I go Lewinsky all over this microphone."

2. ♪“You like how I look in the aqua green? Get your Vaseline/Roll some weed with some tissue and close your eyes/Then imagine your tongue in between my thighs.” ♪

3. ♪ “Well, I’ve f**ked a sheep and I’ve f**ked a goat/I rammed my c**k right down its throat/So what, so what, you boring little c**t.” ♪

4. "London Bridge Is Falling Down" was removed from the program when Becky's mom objected on the basis that "a 'London Bridge' is when two girls are being done doggy style, facing each other and making out while the two men high five each other." and "how dare you expose pre-schoolers to such filth."

5. ♪"Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again... Oh, no!" ♪

6. ♪You can suck all the dick you want/ And still be a virgin ... Mary! ♪

7. "And now, at the request of our PhysEd Teacher Ms. Brubaker, a medley of k.d. lang and Melissa Etheridge songs."

8. ♪ “I knew a house cleaner named Betty Jo/Took her to my home and she vacuumed the floor/The girl got fastidious and I tell you more/She was down on her knees regulatin’ the flow.” ♪

9. "And now, in honor of Senator Clinton's visit, a medley of k.d. lang and Melissa Etheridge songs."

10. I like big butts and I can not lie...

Americana, of course. Lyrics 2, 3, & 8 ripped from the Blender.

Extreme Shrinkage... Surge!

1. "It's working, Sullivan is totally distracted. Now, throw the net on him and get him the hell back on his meds!"

2. He retired from comics at six with a fortune, embraced his 'personal truth' at 16, and by age 26, Calvin could pay studly models to pose for his 'erotic snowmen art.'

3. "And in my day, studly male models had to walk six miles to school in the freezing cold, uphill both ways.."

4. "F-f-f-f-f-f-*-*-k you! Al G-g-g-ore."

5. "Don't come any closer! We were doing watersports and we froze to each other."

6. "We've decided to freeze ourselves in hopes that someday medical science can cure us of 'the gay.'"

7. "Why it's Christmas Day, sir." Ang Lee presents, A Brokeback Christmas Carol.

8. Hey, dudes, do us all a favor and don some gay apparel, stat!

9. Next on the Hallmark Channel, How Icy Hot Stuntaz Saved Christmas.

10. "Crap! Why couldn't we have put on some clothes before we climbed through the back of the wardrobe."

Best of Submariner
Well I think the three of us ARE "man enough" to capture that multi-legged, multi-colored critter that's been terrorizing Fire Island this winter...

Best of The Man
Christmas 2003 was the last year live animals were used in the Enumclaw Babtist Church's nativity display.

Best of Adjustah
The Federation Chritsmas parties always ended with the traditional de-pantsing beam down of the most inebriated security officers...

Best of prince of leaves
Snowbound at UC Boulder, Jim, John and Joe come across Stan the Eternal Grad Student's peyote stash while foraging dorm rooms for food.

Merry Cooter-Fondling Christmas

1. 'Toys for Tots' had to expel both of Hillary's interns.

2. "We still get to keep our titles, right Mr. Trump?"

3. "I'd say the Gillette Fusion definitely does a better job than the Mach 3."

4. "We're naughty, and we get presents. It's win-win!"

5. "Wait a minute," Frank IBC said. "If these are my prom dates, where did they send the fat, shirtless Santa Claus?"

6. "Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you happy to see us. Oh, it is a candy cane. Sorry to bug you Mr. Sullivan. Yeah, up yours, too."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hey look!... They made a Swiss Colony Holiday Beef Log appear in my pants!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I thought you were supposed to search for Christmas money inside the card.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We call this one: "Why Santa Spends So Much Time At The Delta Pi Sorority House"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"

Best of sonicfrog
Nikki got confused by the instructions in the photo booth: "to continue taking photographs, please place $1.00 into slot".

Best of sonicfrog
... the girls the Duke LeCrosse team WANTED to hire for the party, but stupid David just had to be a cheap skate and get the other ones. Thanks a lot Dave ...

Best of Adjustah
This year's card was special: Merry Christmas everyone, and fuck you Kevin. Love,Britney

Best of Occasional Reader
How the Grinch Snatched Christmas!

Best of Adjustah
The Christmas edition of the Shave Your Junk Podcast was much better received...

Best of jbinnout
Code Pink tries to increase membership with a new "anti-bush" posters.

Best of divine miss m
Joy usually felt Merry on the Thursday before Christmas.

Best of Submariner
♪HA-LE-LU-JAH!♪
Hope always found a way to help Joy hit the high notes in the Christmas Cantata...

Best of jbinnout
Off...off Broadway production of "Oh HO ly Night!" by the Vagina Monologs, featured a wHOle HOst of heavenly bodies singing "Piece on Earth" and "I Came Upon a Midnight Clear".

Best of jbinnout
Inviromentally contious Joy and Hope decided to "save a tree" this year by enjoying a little christmas bush, instead.

Best of jbinnout
Joy and Holly were stopped by White House security when they tried to pass for the Bush twins.

Best of Submariner
♪It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!♪

Check out the Hairy Ape... and also, the Noble Gorilla She's Reading To

1. C'mon cappers! We're just one 'ebonics' caption away from making Dawn's head explode.

2. What is it with this gorilla? No matter what picture I show this gorilla, he just makes the sign-language for 'Andrew Sullivan's butt.'

3. "I like you, Koko. You actually listen to me. Not like those 'f**k-and-run' Bonobos."

4. "Very good, Bobo. We'll have you ready to vote Democrat just in time for 2008."

5. Today on The View, Joy Behar reads her favorite children's book to Rosie O'Donnell.

6. "You see, Hirschfield always hides at least one 'Nina' in everything he draws."

7. "Give me some peace, woman! I'm trying to take a dump, here."

8. "So, you see, compared to what Mary LeTourneau did, what we do isn't really that bad."

9. "See, if you put this book jacket over your copy of Hustler no one will be the wiser. Hillary does it all the time."

10. "Bobo! Where did you get a hold of this Enumclaw Middle School yearbook?"

Best of The Man
...and then a plane hit the Trade Center and this tart continued to read the book for 7 minutes.

Best of Nobody
"Change of plans, Senator Mikulski. Hillary will sue you for copyright if you read It Takes a Village on Sesame Street, so you'll have to read this instead."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Honestly I wish you'd been more clear in the personal ad, when you said you were Harry Dong I thought you were oriental."

Best of Anonymous
The indoctrination continues as the next books are "Why Koko is a Liberal" and "Koko has Two Mommies."

Best of sonicfrog
As he matured, King Kong realized that looks aren't everything...

Best of Jay Guevara
Robin Williams reviews his next script.

Best of Silhouette
If you ask the zoo's gorilla for help in sounding out the big words, you might be a product of public school.

Best of Rodney Dill
"You're the Gorilla my dreams."

Best of Submariner
You're a "silver-back?" What a coincidence - I'm a "doughy-front." Wanna mate?

Best of Submariner
Attempting to fill one of his 22 critical skill position holes, Coach Marinelli had the Mrs. work with a defensive tackle that showed a bit of promise...

Best of Submariner
Georgia State uses a novel approach to prepare student teachers for entering the ranks in Atlanta schools.
(That >FOOOM< sound you heard was just Dawn's last nerve going up in flames, don't let it bother you...)

Best of Son Of The Godfather

*sigh*... "Koko, please try to concentrate... and quit signing that stupid phrase over and over... Just what does 'One day, Caeser will come to liberate us from the oppressive dominance of mankind anyway?'"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Koko signs his first complex sentence: "Would it spoil the moment for you if I smeared my own feces on this pretentious literary drivel?"



H/T: Brender

I Just Threw Up Some Eggnog in My Mouth a Little

1. 'Ow to speak Frank IBC: "Photo Op."

2. This year's "Naked Mile" was disrupted by a protest of Militant Never-Nudes.

3. "I despise this V the K," Sullivan fumed. "And yet, I can not look away."

4. ORA Thanks to Ted Turner's "Underwearization" Process, Blink-182's "What's My Age Again" video could be shown on the Family Channel.

5. "Dudes, you gotta see this! Some dude in the park is playing 'Lucky Pierre' with a couple of golden retriever pups!"

6. Apparently, some guys have found a way to psyche out the competition in the annual "Run 'Til You Puke' race.

7. Leftist nitwits come running for the sweet taste of Bongwater!

8. "Hurry everyone, hurry! The Village People are reuniting!"

9. "Half-Price Zima? Outta my way, little man!"

10. "Quickly, abandon the drum circle! Cindy Sheehan just showed up, and she's in the mood!"
Best of Rodney Dill
"Walmart has 25% off inflatable pigs!"

Best of The Man
The running of the bulls in Enumclaw is done a little differently than those silly Spaniards.
The bulls are actually running away.

Best of Submariner
Despite consuming a full bottle of undiluted "Love Potion #9," the males in the crowd STILL stampeded away screaming when Barbra Mikulski showed up in her "Korean slingshot."

Best of sonicfrog
... and so begins the 10th annual Castro Srteet Marathon...

Best of Van Helsing
"Run for it, guys! Sully's Vi@gr@ is kicking in!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Today's anti-war demonstration in Berkeley took an unexpected turn when someone threw a bar of soap into the crowd.

Best of Jonathan
"Hey, Richard! Fat guy in a little Speedo! Fat guy in a little Speedo!"

Best of Submariner
Andrew was mortified when the roll of quarters fell out of his Speedoo after only 3 steps...



Hattip: DMM and RB, source: Albany Times-Union

Where Does One Begin, Exactly...

1. After Grandma got run over by a reindeer, grandpa became bitter, perverted, and often photoshopped.

2. John McCain lets the voters know how he feels about Free Speech.

3. "Can't use the ladies room, can I? Well, here's what I say to that!"

4. "Try to put me in a burqa? Here's what I think about that."

5. 'The Boyfriend' doesn't care to have his picture taken.

6. "Pick some giant psycho-hallucinatory insect over me for your running mate? F-You Kucinich!"

7. We've replaced grandpa's Alzheimer's meds with discount Mexican "Vi@gr@." Let's see if he notices.

8. "Because you can't get a Rosie O'Donnell Blow Up Doll and this was the next best thing. Now, frak off!"

9. How nature says, 'Do Not Touch!'

10. Tim Johnson was never the same after the stroke.*

I think the HT goes to Frank, or maybe Right Wing Conspirator. Maybe SondraK?

* That's gonna put a potato in some tailpipes. If that offends you, mentally substitute the ORA Caption: "He said 'Garp' and then he said 'Good!'"

Best of divine miss m
Charlotte could only look on in horror from the ceiling; this was not the future she'd imagined for Wilbur.

Best of prince of leaves
"The imam says: if the pig's inflatable, it's not haram. So f-you!"

Best of Cybrludite
Dr. Kevorkian relaxes after "assisting" another terminally ill patient.

Best of Silhouette
Though treasured by two generations, for many the last season of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood spoiled its memory forever.

Best of lawhawk
So, now we see what the real Joy Behar household looks like. It explains much.

Best of Van Helsing
It looks like Howard Dean could face some competition for Chairman of the DNC.

Best of Submariner
So how did you THINK the "other, other" meat got white?

Best of Submariner
'Ow to Speak Awstraylian:
"Pulled Pork"

Best of Submariner
We always referred to him as "Inflated Scrotum Guy" but I didn't really think...

Best of sonicfrog
Only in California. Well, at least he's not running for Governor... or is he???

Best of Submariner
Grandpa! When you asked if I "wanted to tackle a few pigskins" I thought we were gonna play football...

Best of Submariner
Bill fretted, "I thought Monica was MY girl..."

Best of Anonymous
"Back off or the sheep gets it too!"

"What happens in the Gimp's bedroom stays in the Gimp's bedroom. Literally."

Best of divine miss m
So THIS is how the Heaven's Gate guy is doomed to spend eternity...

Best of Adjustah
Merry Christmas, love Bob Dole

Best of Andrew Sullivan
I wish someone would put a potato in my tailpipe.

Best of Jonathan
"No, Gramps, I don't care WHO you're supposed to be...you're not getting any 'crazy candy'!"

Best of Submariner
"Piggly Wiggly!"
Gramps was the greatest at charades.

Best of Frank IBC
To his credit, he uses a "butt-coaster" (towel between naked butt and furniture).

Best of racerboy
The #1 reason "The Harvey Korman Story" hasn't hit VH1 yet...

More Frankness

1. Rejected by SOTG and Submariner, Bruce was forced to arrive at Avalon Manor with an inflatable prom date.

2. His music career in ashes, George Michael resorts to ventirloquism.

3. The search for an edgier Kellogg's Frosted Flakes mascot was dismally unsuccesful.

4. Hooters tried to launch an equivalent chain targeted at the gay market, but couldn't find venture capital for Baskets.

5. Eventually, Bruce's delusional relationship with "Rick" ended suddenly when they decided to get matching nipple piercings.

Best of KisPer
Will Farrell's career hits rock bottom.

Best of Submariner
When did George Michael start dating Elton John?

Best of The Man
The keynote speaker at the 2008 DNC drew a standing ovation.

Best of The Man
Many questions arose about Andrew Sullivan's date at the 2006 YearlyKos Convention, like why he had no teeth.

Best of Submariner
Ain't that cute? They BOTH have mascarra'd-on chest hair...

Best of Submariner
Johnny Weir was disgusted; "I guess I have to design ANOTHER outfit for the 08 Olympics, now..."

Best of Submariner
Siegfried's act just isn't quite, but you got to hand it to him for trying to "fill the void" since Roy's accident.



6. "You Jane... Me 'Questioning'"

Ah Muh Nutjob

1. Ahmadinejihad reveals the real reason he's afraid of John Bolton.

2. "I'm crushing Zionism, I'm crushing Zionism, I'm crushing Zionism..."

3. bb-sully: nice pic dood got any xxx? ;-)

4. The kids hated it when Uncle Mahmoud came over to play "Nipple Pinchy."

5. "Kobe, Praise Allah, I am open! Throw the head of the infidel over here!"

6. Ahmadinejihad uses air quotes to indicate that Iran doesn't "have" a nuclear weapons "program."

7. In 1979, Ahmadinejihad's twin brother fled to California, where he directs underground pr0n in the San Fernando Valley. His latest film involves a young boy who experiences sexual awakening after being kidnapped by plushy bear fetishists.

8. While accepting his honorary doctorate from Columbia University, Ahmadinejihad briefly flashes the "Loser" sign to let the dhimmis know what he really thinks of them.

Best of Jonathan
"Don't f--- with me, beyotch! I'm a member of the Tehran Crips!"

Best of lawhawk
Read between the quotes - I'm a genocidal lunatic. Can I be any clearer than that?

Best of Van Helsing
"Redrum... redrum... REDRUM!"

Best of Anonymous
Everytime the word "holocaust" was used, the Iranian president would signal quotation marks (much like Dr. Evil's use of the word "laser").

Best of sonicfrog
Though a big fan of Leonard Nimoy, Ahmadinerjihad never could get the hang of the Vulcan hand greeting thing.

Best of prince of leaves
Remember kids: too much masturbation will turn you into a Members Only-wearing nuclear nutjob with permanently gimp-cramped hands!

Best of prince of leaves
"A little higher on the right...there, that's it! Now that the giant Hitler portrait is hung, the Holocaust denial conference can begin!"

Best of divine miss m
Iran: a nation so poor that its Cat's Cradle champ can't afford actual string.

Best of A.M. Mora y Leon
It 2006 and Ahmadimmijihad still hasn't shed the Members Only jacket he stole off a U.S. embassy hostage back in 1979, during his big tabouleh salad days.

Best of Submariner
Madonna was very proud of her pupil; "Mahmoud picked up 'Voguing' in only 3 lessons!"

This Is Why We Wonder About Frank IBC

1. Barney Frank holds another one of his sexy parties.

2. Contrary to the PSA, there are times not to talk about smoking and drugs with your kids.

3. Dwarf-Tossing became an approved sport just in time for the 2008 Butchers-of-Beijing Olympics.

4. Lacking their father's martial arts prowess, Jackie Chan's children were reduced to performing in low-budget Japanese fetish pr0n.

5. "Well, F-YOU Roundeye! You couldn't PAY US to take your skanky daughter to the prom."

Best of Frank IBC
I feel this weird combination of attraction and repulsion... it's almost magnetic.

Best of CJ
Today's episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by the letters S & M.

Best of prince of leaves
"Shh! We're replacing Barney Frank's usual playthings with new S&N Brand Bukkake Boys! Let's see if he notices!"

Best of Rodney Dill
OK, I seen 'em, now I wanna go stick my head in a turbocharger too.

Best of GOP & College
The things you'll do for a hit of Meth...

Best of Zeke
Laugh if you want to but these noble souls are the only two men tiny and brave enough to crawl thru a whales stomach and fish out all the plastic that you dump in the oceans!

Best of Adjustah
Tron and Ram were convinced that they could now finally defeat the Master Control Program...

Best of divine miss m
Please welcome the hosts of the "Shave Your Junk" video-podcast.

Best of divine miss m
Don we now our gay apparel!

Best of Submariner
Ms Madonna? We'll be ready for the opening act as soon as you put on your mylar diaphragm...

Best of lawhawk
That's what you get when you put after-shave in your banana hammock after a tough day at the office.

Best of Cybrludite
North Korean cosmonauts demonstrate the finest vacuum suits Juche principles and glorious North Korean industry can produce!



H/T: Frank IBC

Ho Ho Ho

1. Kim Possible unfortunately ran afoul of radical jihadists.

2. Fembot Patty LaBelle and Fembot Susan Powter await programming at VirtuCon's labs.

3. The third Charlie's Angels movie replaced Drew Barrymore with a wig on a styrofoam head. Critics still preferred it to Full Throttle.

4. The terrible truth about what happens to the babes on Friday...

5. You can't beat a half-off sale at Paris Hilton's chain of Stupid Spoiled Whore retail outlets.

Best of The Man
Enumclaw Museum of History displays artifacts such as examples of what the men used to have sex with.

Best of Jay Guevara
The third Charlie's Angels movie replaced Drew Barrymore with a wig on a styrofoam head thereby raising the aggregate IQ of the cast considerably.

Best of Silhouette
"The Astronauts and Anorexics traveling exhibit will be at the International Museum through next weekend."

Best of divine miss m
Submariner and SOTG were first in line to buy "Hot Babe Thursday Barbie" for their daughters this Christmas.

Best of Submariner
Bill mused - hard, unyielding, plastic; bet they're STILL a better lay than Hillary...

Source: Kirsten Powers

Sick Puppy Love

1. "So, did you bring the duct tape?"

2. "The tall one is the Satanic sacrifice. The puppies are just for cuddling."

3. "Ms. de Vil, a Summer like you should never wear black and white. But tawny gold... fabulous.

4. "They warned me my mom would shit puppies if I came out to her."

5. ORA: " Good Lord - I've heard about this - pup juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?"

6. Another whigger-wannabe unclear on the concept of 'a bitch on each arm.'

7. "Come on, Mr. Nguyen. You'll never get meat this fresh anywhere else."

8. "No way, Sullivan. The last time I let them play with your beagle, the came back demented with inflamed genital rashes."

9. "No way, Sullivan. Not after what you did to my gerbils."

10. "Double three-pointer, mid-court, nothing but net... backwards."

Best of Submariner
All I'm sayin' is that clay pigeons are for sissies...

Best of Submariner
The other, other, OTHER Korean white meat...

Inspired by Michigan-Matt
Ricky was determined to be the featured model at Studpuppy-dot-com.

Best of Submariner
Sorry Ms Dawn; I know you're new here and all, but labs and dobies are too black for this "huntin' camp." By the way, we only wear the sheets in the evening and never colored or patterned ones...

Best of The Man
The Enumclaw High School Drama Department's production of Ole Yellar was unforgettable.

Best of Jonathan
"I'm Crazy Redneck Puppy Juggler! Isn't that crazy?!? Now...give me some candy!"

Best of Zeke
Using puppy power Kenny manages to loose 50 pounds and cinch the job as the new Subway spokesman.

Best of Zeke
After watching KungPao Kenny tries to recreate gopher-chucks.

Best of divine miss m
Finally, an alternative for those who can't stomach the thought of squirrel melts.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey Glenn, fire up the blender."

Best of Chrees
The South Bitch Diet proved to be a huge hit in parts of the country.

Best of divine miss m
For heaven's sake, put down those @#$%ing dogs and pull up your @#$%ing pants!

Best of prince of leaves
Giovanni Ribisi stars in the new Scientology-based reality show, "The Dog Auditor".

Best of Cybrludite
'Ey, Boudreaux! You got that rice goin' yet? I couldn't catch dat dere ting wit all de legs, so's we gonna have to have som Vietnamese-style veal gumbo tonight, chere.

Best of Adjustah
"Hi, and welcome to a very special edition of the Shave Your Junk video-podcast..."

Best of GOP & College
Glenn Reynolds says, "It only takes one puppy to become an addict."


H/T: The Strange and Frightening World of Frank the IBC.

Meanwhile, Back at the Wrong Side of the Tracks

1. The brakes were sabotaged, the train had left the station. Now all Hillary needed to make herself 'the Widow Clinton' and ride to the White House on a wave of public sympathy was... the perfect bait.

2. For a split second, Sullivan was afraid he had been cured of The Gay. Then, he realized the electric feeling in his thighs was just exactly how those sheer, beautiful stockings would feel on his freshly shaven legs.

3. "So, Jenna. Tell us more about your time at the Hobo Camp."

4. Sheena's lack of clarity on the concept of "Catching the Next Train Out of Town" ultimately cost her her life.

5. Obviously, those tracks are HO scale.

Best of Submariner
Twas a sad day - Amy and Stephanie argued over whether these were "deer" or "moose" tracks right up until the train hit 'em...

Best of Silhouette
Must be sweeps week at Thomas the Tank Engine.

Best of The Little Engine
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Sexy, yes... But will "smelly, train-engineer hooker" ever catch on?

Best of Submariner
So, if SOTG takes the east bound track at 45 kph and V. the K takes the south bound track at 60 mph, at what time will they jointly realize that Subby stayed put and had a MUCH better time?

Best of evariste
If this is the wrong side of the tracks, I don't want to be right!

Best of evariste
Suddenly, Senator Clinton's enthusiasm for riding John McCain's Straight Talk Express was renewed.

Best of jbinnout
Well, ain't she fit to be tied.

Best of Anonymous
Sure the tracks spread apart at that intersection but the train plowed right through the center.

Best of prince of leaves
Brangelina's "Atlas Shrugged" miniseries wasn't strictly faithful to the book, but it drew millions of men into Objectivism just the same.

Best of evariste
"Oh, no! I missed the pussy train!"

Commie Children's Nightmare Fuel

1. Andrew Sullivan's ultimate multi-headed sex toy arrives from Damark.

2. "Bruce the Gay Pride Cockroach" would have been the official mascot had San Francisco won its bid to host the 2012 Olympic games.

3. Moonbeam's designs for the new playground equipment were inspired by "things I hallucinate crawling on my body."

4. ORA Unknown to the Vorlons, the Shadows had an active and vibrant gay community.

5. In other news, Dennis Kucinich announced his running mate today, an imaginary creature he calls "Mr Rainbow Manypants."

Best of evariste
The Democratic Congress unveiled its "tough and smart" homeland security mascot. That'll show those Shi'ite Al Qaeda bastards.

Best of evariste
Google's weirdest special-occasion logo yet.

Best of Evariste
Zorak looked a lot different after his cosmetic surgery.

Best of prince of leaves
Somewhere along the way, the munincipal sewage system crossed a threshold level of complexity and achieved an unholy sentience.

Best of prince of leaves
"Dude...pull my polyp..."

Best of Rodney Dill
Once the National Endowment for the Arts starting sponsoring IED's, it was clear that the Jihadist Terrorists had infiltrated to the deepest levels of the liberal intelligentsia.

Best of Submariner
Nice. Making fun of a Mk 1 Mod 0 New England liberal sap farmer's attempt to beautify the landscape. Read his story. Edumacate yourselves. Morons.

Best of attmay
Y-W-C-A!
It's fun to stay at the
Y-W-C-A-ay!

Best of evariste
Once you get to know him, Xenu doesn't seem nearly as terrifying.

Best of Submariner
ORA: Humma Kavula didn't fare very well when Zaphod displaced him to Fargo, North Dakota.

Best of Cricket
Barney's replacement shows up at PBS.

Best of Silhou the Ette
"Did I make it? Is this Enumclaw? Wait, don't run. I have attachments."

Best of Submariner
Seems to me I remember one of these attacking me back in the 60's.

Best of Cybrludite
I ain't sure what dat is either, Boudreaux. Still, I'll get my shotgun while you start the rice, chere, and we'll make us some gumbo!

From Russia Minus the Love. Tipped by K the P*

* Yeah, I know it's K is P. I also refer to Van Helsing as V the H. It's humor. Humor dammit!

Commie Kitties

1. Last known photograph of Buttons the Clown before Whiskers coughed a fur ball down his throat and killed him.

2. "Hey! Were you just watching me masturbate?"

3. "The muffler looks okay, but you might want to have those shocks replaced."

4. "Whiskers! You fool! You teleported us straight into a proto-solar nebula! Bad kitty!"

5. "Come back dinner, I mean, kitty!"

Best of Kevin Walker
"What are you doing up there? It's only Richard Gere!"

Best of prince of leaves
Locked in a creative slump, Disney followed up the abysmal remake of "The Shaggy DA" with a questionable sequel: "The Purring Otolaryngologist".

Best of attmay
'Ow to speak ALF: A light snack.

Best of Submariner
Sheesh, Ford - I'll never get used to these intermediate stages after we've engaged the Infinite Improbability Drive...

Best of Jonathan
Fluffy just couldn't climb any higher to escape Imus' "death breath".

Best of Jonathan
Hillary's Googling of "eating p###y" didn't exactly return what she expected.

Best of Anonymous
"Not so tough without your Gold-Plated Assault Rifle, are you Fuzzy Little Kitten," said the King of the TTLB Ecosystem.


From the New Fallujah Free Press on a tip from D the Miss M.

And Now, A Man With His Face in a TurboCharger

1. Jim always did enjoy working out with his Nautilus.

2. Don't believe the Hype. "Mr. Suck-The-Face-Right-Off-Your-Skull" is not the perfect Christmas gift.

3. Andrew Sullivan's nuclear powered penis pump claims another unwary victim.

4. Everything was going fine, until Mike saw Throbert's Dessert and immediately ralphed into his abstract sousaphone sculpture.

5. "I'm crazy Turbo-Face!! Now, give me some of that CRAZY CANDY!"

6. "My God! It's full of stars!"

7. Using a customized breathing apparatus adapted from those used by workers at Chernobyl, Rosie O'Donnell's gynecologist prepares to go in.

8. "Rick, we've been meaning to talk to you about your cocaine problem."

9. Borg implants. The Early Years.

10. "They'll never understand our forbidden passion, Mr. Supercharger. But we don't need them. Vrrrum! Vrrrum!"

Best of Silhouette
The Microsoft Zune wasn't as sleek as the Ipod.

Best of Silhouette
After a full bottle of Jack Black, nothing seems very cold or unyielding.

Best of Rodney Dill
"That's it, no beer drinking out of Turbochargers, Man-law?"
"MAN-LAW"

Best of Submariner
"Yak!"
Billy was always good at charades...

Best of prince of leaves
"Tired of the inconvenience of your CPAP breathing machine?"

Best of prince of leaves
On this week's Monster Garage, Jesse and the gang turn a Space Shuttle engine into a portable iron lung.

Best of Anonymous
That's a lot of work to go to just to say "Luke, I am your father!"

Best of Adjustah
"Help me OBGYN Kenobi, you're my only hope..."

Best of Adjustah
Last known photo of Ricky "Spliff" Mackenzie before he was killed by his self-invented, "totally righteous Turbo-bong".

Best of Submariner
I remeber this one time at band camp when we learned to play the tuba...



H/T: Racer the Boy (R the B)

Dah Bears... and Some Kid

1. Ang Lee's NC-17 version of Goldilocks was never fully embraced by Red State America.

2. "Yes, Uncle Sully, your leather vest is fetching. Speaking of fetching, should I grease up and put on the dog collar now?"

3. "Sorry to interrupt your plushy role-playing, Mom and Dad... and Uncle Roy. Carry on."

4. And then Billy accidentally came between Momma Bear and Baby Bear. Death came swiftly.

5. "Wow, who would have thought Bears would have such an elaborate sexual dungeon in their basement?"

Best of the Man
The producers of 24 decided to cast Ricky Shroder and a few other cast members to bring in younger viewers for Season 6.
Mama bear was a terrorist mole while Papa bear hibernated the whole season.

Best of Adjustah
It was truly sad day when they released The Star Wars Christmas Special: Special Edition.

Best of floranista
Rex Grossman was lulled into a false sense of security during the photo-op with the Bear's owners.
After the media left, they tore off his head and marinated his ribs for the next tailgate party.

Best of Anonymous
On a very special ABC after-school special, Billy Flannigan learns about the dangers of taking Ecstasy and attending non-human raves.

Best of Submariner
Hey, Hey, HEY! What the heck are you doing to my bum, Baby Bear?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yep son, your mother and I never used protection, that's why we named you Boo-Boo."

Best of Silhouette
"No I don't know. Tell me, what IS bear back?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Bears, Ewoks, what's the difference? You people all look the same to me."

Equal Opportunity for Smelly Pirate Hookers

1. Kwaneesha, unfortunately, was stuck at "It's My Party" when the Pistons went all the way and had to make the best of it.

2. Turning tricks on the Sunset Strip, Gary Coleman was soon picked up by Eddie Murphy.

3. Kwaneesha was picked to play Sally Hemmings in the Fourth Grade "Mistresses of the Presidents" Pageant.

4. On a very special Webster, Emmanuel Lewis comes out of the closet.

5. Midget Kiss was no match for Midget La Cage Aux Folles.

6. "That white Jon-Benet bitch won again? Her ass is mine."

7. "Sorry, Jesse Jackson. It's still $40 a blow. No family discounts."

8. Actually, the Smelly Pirate Hooker is with a John. This is the Smelly Pirate Pimp.

9. Not even the combined strength of the liberal media could save Hillary after this picture of a young Chelsea Clinton in blackface was leaked by the Obama campaign.

10. Barney Frank's Lawn Jockey.

Best of The Man
Parties at the Kennedy Compound have seen better days....and better hookers.

Best of prince of leaves
After Katrina, budget cuts forced the Jean Lafitte Pirate Museum to merge with the Orleans Parish Public Schools Marching Band Ho' Museum and Nail Salon.

Best of prince of leaves
Christians and civil rights groups across the country cried foul when Sea-Tac replaced the traditional Christmas trees with "Kwanzaa pirate hookers", in a baffling and ill-considered attempt at holiday multiculturalism.

Best of Anonymous
The perfect terrorist: Whos'se going to want to frisk that at an airport?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Everybody has had a little Captain in them, I just get paid for it."

Best of Silhouette
"Let's just say there are three little wimps crying in the girl's room right now, who used to be dressed as a harem girl, Pebbles, and Big Bird. The eye patch is mine."

Best of Anonymous
Someone call about moving a plane?

Best of Submariner
OK, you can put me in the "King Cake" for the Saints, but just this once...

Best of Capt. Queeg
"You should probably put some ice on that..."

Best of Anonymous
Disney's "Pirates of Compton: The Curse of the Black Girl" failed to live up to previous releases in the "Pirate" franchise.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey Mom, I just won the Taco eating contest at Taco Bell."


By iscuracao, HT: Tasha the G

Check Out The Big Fat Chicken ... And the Crazy Black Bitch Next to Her

1. "Why, Thank You Mr. Richards. I accept your apology."

2. "Sharpton's was bigger."

3. Two groupies on Jimmy Carter's "Dictators and other Enemies of America World Tour," try to bribe a roadie for backstage passes.

4. By the 1970's, Nurse Chapel and Lt. Uhura had fallen on hard times, and were forced to take work as lunch ladies at the Paramount lot.

5. "We are pleased with your gift, but we require... ANOTHER shrubbery! And you must cut down the tallest tree in the forest with... a chicken leg!"

Best of Straight8
Ebony and Ivory-together in stupidity.

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan Google Search: "Couple of huge nuts"

Best of Submariner
"...and when those Old Navy crackers look the other way, we get a 100% discounted sales price!"

Best of Submariner
With my deepest, heart-felt apologies to the originals: "Twin Sons of Different Mothers"

Best of Van Helsing
Now that McKinney's going to be out of work soon, maybe the two can team up for a sitcom: "Mother Moonbat and the Moonbat Momma."

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
If'n I din't has dis turkey leg, I'se believin I'se be askin' dat Hillary fo' a taste o' dat poon...

Best of divine miss m
"Do you want chitlins with that?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"No uh, Cindy, when I said I was Bi- I meant Bi-Polar."

Best of Rodney Dill
“Hello, I’m a mac…”
“…and I’m a PC.”

Best of Rodney Dill
"You must be so proud of your daughter, getting the lead role in the 'Pirates of Penzance.'"

Best of prince of leaves
Dim and Dhimmi.

Best of prince of leaves
Cindy and Cindy laugh it up at the Holocaust revisionism conference in Teheran.

Best of Submariner
Movie scripts that never sold; "KFC of the Living Dead"

Best of Rodney Dill
"No, when I said 'Thanks for the Open Pit' I meant the Barbeque sauce, not your coochie."

Best of Submariner
We be jointly sponsorin' the "Ebonics Bein' Mi Secund Language" legimif... er, lisgulatin... uh, strangulat..., oh hell, bill.


Hat tip: K the P. (Bwah ha hah ha hah ha)

Warm and Fuzzy Time of Year

1. "I'll give you $100 for the list of Naughty Girls."

2. "I'm just saying, Santa, it would be really nice if I got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas and it would be really nice if nobody pissed in your milk and cookies. Do we understand each other?"

3. "Ho! Ho! Ho!" Billy instinctively turned, expecting to see Paris Hilton, Gwen Stefani, and Scarlett Johanssen.

4. "... and long flowing blonde hair and a Billabong bikini, and..."

5. "Naughty? That's a value judgment! Help! Help! My self-esteem is being threatened. I need an adult!"

6. "When you put it that way, Santa, Mark Foley did get a raw deal."

7. "... and a Taser to hold of Uncle Barney's unwanted advances."

8. Actually, we're Satanists. I just wanted to sit on your lap.

9. "Actually, this cute act is just to get close enough to serve you with a subpeona. You're going down, fat man!"

10. "What the Hell is a butt-plug?" Santa hated taking the list from that Sullivan kid.

Best of elliot
Actually, all I want is a cure for my uncontrollable bladder condition...oops.

Best of Silhouette
You ain't foolin' nobody with that personalized belt buckle, elf boy. If you was a real redneck, them deer would be on your wall by now.

Best of prince of leaves
"No, I think sitting on your lap in front of the whole mall and horrifying my stick-in-the-mud fundamentalist parents who eschew the commercialization of Christ's birth and the pagan-derived trappings of the holiday is just about all I could have wished for..."

Best of prince of leaves
"Well, we don't have a fireplace for you to come down, Santa, but my mom's boyfriend assures me that his water bong will do in a pinch..."

Best of jud
So let me get this straight...your beard used to be white until you sat here for three straight weeks without a bath because you can't afford a home on the salary you get for working two months out of the year?

Best of andthenblammo!
"Why, yes, Santa, as a matter of fact I do like gladiator movies!"

Best of The Man
Would asking you to remove your hand from my ass be too much for Christmas?

Christmas in Americana

Who Stuffed His Dork Into My Tight Warm Locker?

1. It was worse for Leon. He was stuffed in behind Pedro.

2. And another hapless freshman is sucked into the Hellmouth.

3. "K is back! The keeper of the light! All hail K! All hail K!..." One fart later, and the entire civilization was laid to waste.

4. "Wow, that was some explosion. Was it the chemistry lab or that Mohammed kid?"

5. Similar to the common housecat, Tommy marks his territory with farts.

Best of Silhouette
"And here I am at Halloween. I went as a refrigerator magnet."

Best of Silhouette
The discount hotel business in Toyko finally went one step too far.

Best of Silhouette
Sullivan's search results for "middle school" and "coming out of the closet" were disappointing.

Here Comes The... Um, Lamp?

1. "Praise Allah, the Pistons went all the way and we have looted Bed, Bath and Beyond."

2. The internet comes to Kazakhstan. "Our computer said we must enable 'frames.' Will these be sufficient?"

3. "Let's point her at that river and yell 'Fire!'"

4. "Come along, Mr Gibson. Yes, yes, we know it's all the dirty Jews fault you failed rehab."

5. Suddenly, I miss the quiet dignity of the TomKat Scientology wedding ceremony.

Best of Adjustah
"Attention zionist pigs! We demand that you release our brothers, or we shall execute Marge Simpson!"

Best of Zeke
ahh it's nice to see that some people still use the traditional wedding sack.

Best of Zeke
Beards for sale! beards for sale! come get a beard and your stones for the stoning!

Best of Capt. Queeg
When ketchup goes bad in Kazakhstan, justice is swift.

Best of Anonymous
In some parts of the world, punishment for that "pull my finger" gag comes swiftly.

Best of Targetpractice
The sack is for your protection, Mrs. Clinton...and our eyesight.

Best of Silhouette

I don't think she's guilty. I think she's being framed.

Best of jeff
"We believe that a scarlet "A" is insufficient in these cases...

Best of Submariner
Do you feel like everyone's staring at you on those "heavy flow days?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Due to the Burka, Cousin IT was able to travel largely undetected.

Best of Jay Guevara
The Arab space program positions its first rocket on the launch pad, while artists prepare to draw the event.

Best of Submariner
Praise Allah you are covered and cannot see Rodney's Dill to our right!



H/T: Brender

Another Surf Babe

1. SOTG wasn't sure what a "Billabong" was, but he knew he had to have one.

2. Billabong: What Rosalyn and Jimmy usually found in the guest quarters after a family visit.

3. This one charges for hugs, but it is definitely worth it.

4. Billabong: The on-line payment system used by HippieShop-dot-com.

5. ... leaving the terrorist hideout in flaming ruins. And so ends another mission for Ann Coulter: Navy SEAL.

Best of Capt. Queeg
Heh heh heh...turns out trading Silhouette that blindfold for his binoculars was the right call after all.

Best of Adjustah
It was only right that Hugs was buried at sea...

Best of The Man
Bill...bong.... I sense a Clinton joke developing.

Best of CJ
Aw, come on. Come back and be the Thursday babe. Please!

Best of jeff
You can forget waltzing with Matilda, mate - I'm going surfing with her!

Best of prince of leaves
Of course, this being a Mediterranean beach, the surfer with long hair and skimpy bottoms was actually a Frenchman.

Best of lawhawk
I'd like a hit of that.

Best of Submariner
So, tell me again; just exactly what is the problem with waterboarding?

Best of Submariner
Y'know, Billabong was always my favorite Hobbit...

R-r-r-r-r-r-r-ipped from the Headlines

1. (Sigh) If only the initials on his jacket were I.N.S.

2. "I understand you've been referring to 'KFC' as 'K the C.' I have to cite you."

3. "I'm also going to have to cite the Chihuahua for piddling on my boots."

4. "You've discovered traces of polonium in the green onions? Man, the KGB was really out to get somebody!"

5. E. Coli. was nothing. 63 people were infected with syphillus after Paris Hilton used the Salad Bar.

Best of Van Helsing
This agent from the Flatulence Diminishment Agency has his work cut out for him.

Best of Targetpractice
"No no, see, FDA, not INS. They're busy over at the Home Depot."

Best of WALSTIB
Technically, this stuff isn't considered "food", but an order is an order.

Best of ColoardoPatriot
"From a Dumpster in the Alley"
"Found Dead Alone"
"Feeling Distended Again"
"Forward Directly to Alcee"

Best of Six Degrees of, uh, something...
"Fart Development Addict"

Best of prince of leaves
¡Yo quero escherichia coli!

Best of prince of leaves
Morgan Spurlock was surprised at how quickly he lost weight while filming the sequel to "Super Size Me"...until his doctor informed him the weight loss, like the frothy diarrhea, was the result of food poisoning.

Best of Capt. Queeg
Sadly, the outbreak might have been contained had the FDA agent understood "Pull to Open" before his third visit.



AssPress Photo/Mel Evans

Dude, Where's My Cat?

1. "So, what is the 'special sauce' in Venison a la Hathaway?

2. "Mmmm, Soylent Green is my kind of people."

3. "I can still see the tread marks from your Hyundai." "Hey, sometimes the squirrels just won't get out of your way."

4. "No, I said this is Long Pig, which is perfectly halal."

5. "Yeah, I pissed in the gravy... and I'm not sorry!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, now we have to split Rajiv's share of the rent between us, but on the bright side, we'll have meat to eat for the next two months."

Best ofTargetpractice
Guy on left: "That's what you get for challenging Ted Kennedy to a drinking contest."

Best ofAdjustah
So, how do you like the Soylent Pirate Hooker?

Best ofTargetpractice
ORA: "Where did you say you got this iguana meat?"
"From some guy in Hub. Said his name was Iguana Bob."

Best of Submariner
No, you're obviously overacting the "feeling sick" bit and mom'll never buy it. You been watching Shatner again?

Best ofSubmariner
Damn! I just remembered I left the meth lab running in Gramma's basement!

Who Wears Short Shorts?

1. "No, ma'am, I'd say you were too late to be the Thursday babe... about 70 years too late."

2. "Um... I choose bombs."

3. Warning: Do not spend more than four hours on the Kegel Exerciser. This woman is 24 years old.

4. "Grandma's Wedgie" was a huge country hit for Garth Brooks in 1994.

5. "Well, now you've done it. All the grandchildren are now gay. Happy now?"

Best of Adjustah
"Please lady, no I don't want any free hugs..."

Best of divine miss m
Mean Ol' Mr. Gravity's gone and done it again.

Best of Silhouette
Failed ad campaign #43 Buy Depends. Because some clothes shrink when they get wet.

Best of Straight8
Ma'am, there's been a unanimous request that you stay away from the food vendors.

Best of Anonymous
That Wal-Mart vest is a chick magnet.

Best of prince of leaves
Appropriately enough, Marge operated the carnival's cottage cheese stand.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Frankly I think GoldenPalace dot Com could've better spent their money."

Best of nevergrewup
After working for months, as the Barbara Bush look alike call girl for the Iraq Study Group, Sally took a much needed vacation.

Best of Cricket
Mrs. Claus takes a vacation and learns about Bermuda thongs.

Best of divine miss m
Jell-O's efforts to corner the senior citizen market with its "Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle" campaign fell disasterously short of the mark.

Best of Submariner
Melba? You know how I always say "You look fine, let's go?" Maybe I shoulda actually looked at you before we left this time...

Best of Anonymous
Frank gets the mace ready, just in case Eunice, the self-described "stud magnet", decides to take anything else off....

Best of Submariner
Yes, Emma. Saline injections have made you a perfect match for "Inflated Scrotum Guy."

Best of Submariner
Yes it IS a strange coincidence that your right thigh is a perfect relief map of the Cascades...

H/T: Six Degrees of Blondness

Nipple Pinchy

1. The NFL salutes 'Breast Cancer Awareness Month.'

2. "I can't breathe in this helmet, Andrew. Can't we just get out the hood and the dog collar and play Abu Ghraib again?"

3. When the ref discovered the butt-plug, the penalty was changed from 'Holding' to 'Illegal Block in the Back.'

4. "S'cuse me while I penetrate your End Zone."

5. "Dude, this is the field, not the Redskins locker room."

6. "Hans is going to pump you up, while Franz is going to gently fondle your tender nipple buds."

7. Rick didn't mind Bruce's tender shows of affection, but he was livid that Bruce was wearing white shoess after Labor Day.

8. You know how I can tell you're gay? Because you hold each other oh-so-tenderly while in Dallas Cowboys fetish gear.

9. "Bruce... I need some space.

10. "Nothing to worry about, folks. Just a simple system lock-up. Just let me get into the access panel for his neural network."

Best of The Man
[insert Brokeback gay cowboy joke here]

Best of Rodney Dill
I wish I could Blitz you.

Best of Frank IBC
The Purple Nerple complemented the blue and white uniform perfectly.

Best of Adjustah
Despite the hippie protests, Hugs knew that he'd never really be free...

Best of prince of leaves
Enraged by his unconscionably lousy performance, Bruce tore open the kicker's ribcage and disemboweled him with his bare hands in front of a sellout crowd of 75,000.

Best of Submariner
Now that's what I call some high quality H2O!

H/T: Christopher Mayer

Inanimate Object Week Continues

1. Insert PULLED FROM SULLIVAN'S ASS Joke [Here]

2. In an adjacent exhibit, piles of small baby harp seals.

3. You didn't hear any of the midget baseball players whine like those prima donna imams when these were confiscated.

4. Delivery for the LAPD

5. The clue bats are ready. Bring on the liberals.

Best of The Man
Delta Airlines Minature Bat Day at Logan Airport was such a hit that a Box Cutter Day has already been setup.

Best of The Man
"Please place mini-bats in checked baggage or Andrew Sullivan's ass"

Best of Rodney Dill
The bats did come in second, but unfortunately for them, Al Gore won inanimate object week.

Best of Jonathan
"Why, yes, there ARE two San Francisco Giants players in this year's MLB All-Star game. How did you know?"

Best of Silhouette
The weirdest thing is that there's guano in the bottom of the case now.

Best of Silhouette
Guess how many bats; win a free strip search!

HT: Franco IBC
Source: Here Ya Go

Who Wants To Hug a Smelly Hippie?

1. "I smell bad, but my heart is pure. Doesn't that count for something, Little Eichmann?"

2. Unexpectedly, Dick Cheney responded to Mary's early rebellion with tolerance and understanding, and so she had no choice but to go lesbo.

3. On the streets of Teheran, the Democrats deploy their anti-terror strategy.

4. And if Sunshine Rainbow's hair is in compliance with usual standards of hippie hygiene, you get free bugs as a bonus.

5. "Spend one day with the hippies, and you realize how truly refreshing and unpretentious, hard core, New York degenerates are." - Paul Morrissey, I Shot Andy Warhol.

Best of Rodney Dill
The crowd dwindled after they realized the sign didn't say 'Free Drugs.'

Best of Silhouette
"No, it's not an actual tail. I just braided my back hair."

Best of Silhouette
It was a smaller protest for Mumia's cellmate, Hugs.

Best of Anonymous
"... because I didn't know how to spell Palestine."

Best of Cybrludite
Moonflower comments on the Marine who banged her last night.

Best of Jonathan
"OK, so Hillary's ass is THAT wide. What's your point?"

Best of Jonathan
"Sunshine, Kobe says he doesn't care how open you are...he ain't gettin' CLOSE to here!"

Best of Anonymous
Hey, you with the tail! Give her back her helmet!"

Best of Anonymous
Sure, the hugs are free, but who's gonna pay for the flea dips afterwards?

HT: Racerboy
Source: Follow This Link

Horses in Drag

1. Sharia Comes to Enumclaw.

2. Heath and Jake try role-playing.

3. Sully and the Boyfriend merge their Enumclaw, Abu Ghraib, and Bed Bath and Beyond shower curtain fantasies. Then, killed the horses and satisfied their Bryan Hathaway fantasies.

4. SuperBowl officials may have gone a little too far in their desire to avoid another Janet Jackson controversy.

5. ORA: Bearing gifts of guns and alcohol, the three riders made their way toward the barn at Fort Flugman bearing gifts of guns and alcohol for the infant Alvis.

HT: Brender
Source: BBBC

This should make your Monday a little more disgusting

I'll put up some captions later, this just kind of speaks for itself.

Don't Blame Me, Blame K the P

Best of Cricket
Britney and K-Fed talk things over.

Best of WALSTIB
Whatever Barbie. Like yours doesn't stink.

Best of WALSTIB
A crown. A throne. A princess. I'd really feel like a king if it weren't for all this PINK FREAKIN PLASTIC $HIT all over the place!

Best of prince of leaves
New this Christmas: the Barbie™ Excremeditorium. Minutes of fun each day!

Best of ColoradoPatriot
Where Mr. Big Fudge comes from.

Best of Anonymous
Well, what man wouldn't feel a bit emasculated living in a pink Barbie dollhouse...

I Just Went and Fudged Yo' Momma

At Sully's Chocolates, we pack more fudge into our product than all of our competitors combined.

Best of Van Helsing
There's no such thing as "2 big" as far as Sully's concerned.

Best of jeff
"What do you mean they're supposed to be eaten? Gross!" - Andrew Sullivan

Best of racerboy
"For once, a large package doesn't disappoint" Andrew thought to himself.

Best of prince of leaves
Be safe: eat it with the wrapper on.

Best of prince of leaves
You'll really enjoy the thick, creamy filling.

Best of prince of leaves
Reversing stereotypes, Mr. 2 Big Fudge was only half the size of Mr. 2 Big Vanilla.

Best of Targetpractice
'Ow to speak Michael Moore: "light snack."

Best of Rodney Dill
I quickly turned and walked away, as momma had always told me to avoid gaybars.


HT: Divine the Miss M.

The Cana Before the Storm

1. "... and that is a hole in the ground. Now, let's review"

2. "Look, I had 'Karl Loves Rick' tattooed on my wrist. Now, will you go out with me?"

3. "That's what I think of your f**king yippy little pug dog. Now, get a sptaula, clean it up, and get back to work."

4. "Shaving your balls will make you look bigger. C'mon!"

5. "Pissing directly into the sewer is only going to aggravate the CHUDS, Rick."

Best of Cybrludite
K-Fed examines his post-divorce career-arc.

Best of elliot
First of all stop pouring concrete on my foot..SO I CAN KICK YOUR ASS!!!!

Best of prince of leaves
Making the best of what remains of his recess appointment, John Bolton assists the "controlled demolition" crew in their after-hours work in the bowels of the UN headquarters building.

Best of prince of leaves
"Ah, don't worry about it -- it's nothing a little penicillin can't fix!"

Best of WALSTIB
Smell the glove... Smell. The. Glove!


The Calm Before the Storm

Die Bastard Die!

1. "You bitch! I'll scratch your eyes out!"

2. Subby and SOTG battle over who gets to post the 'prom date' caption.

3. Barney Frank offered them $5 each if they'd continue the fight stripped to their Underoos and slathered in Wesson Oil.

4. In the old days, Billy and Tyler would have smacked each other around for a couple of minutes, shook hands, and become friends for life. Now, they get tackled by a Police SWAT Team and subjected to six months of 'anti-bullying' and 'conflict resolution' counseling. Our culture is doomed*.

5. "You take back what you said about Liza."

6. "You fight like a metrosexual!"

7. Young Paul Atreides trains with Gurney Halleck in Frank Herbert's Dune Babies.

8. The competition to replace Wee-Man on Jackass turns ugly.

9. But eventually, Heath and Jake, hot, sweaty, and exhausted, collapsed into each others' arms. Brokeback PeeWee Locker Room, coming to Sundance, 2008.

10. "Yes... yes... let your anger flow!"
Best of elliot
Mark Foley's foreplay video.

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh yeah? Well my moms can beat up your dad!"

Best of prince of leaves
The parents would later sue Zinedine Zidane for inspiring the head-butt which left both boys permanently brain damaged.

Best of Van Helsing
Only one boy will leave the field alive.

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, yeah, kick me in the crotch all you want, sissy boy -- my testicles haven't descended yet!"

Best of racerboy
There can be only one!!!

Best of sonicfrog
James T Kirk, the early years.

Best of Jason
"Ms. Lafave is my girl!" "No, she's mine!"

(Props to Sondra the K for observing that.)

Dealing with the Munchies

1. Michael Moore was close. We could sense his presence.

2. "Um, Denise, the reason 'Rosie O'Donnell' was uppity and wouldn't give you an autograph is because that's a dead pilot whale."

3. "Well, this takes care of the snacks for YearlyKos. Now, let's head over to the goat farm and pick up the hookers."

4. Fire Island was never the same after Sullivan got his medicinal marijuana prescription.

5. ORA Airdrops of food to the island changed slightly after the Hanso Foundation was bought out by Yum Foods, but Hurley was ecstatic.

Best of Jason
Aftermath of the Dorito Valdez tragedy.

Best of Occasional Reader
"Minutemen" get stuck with the clean-up after yet another stereotype-laden mass border crossing.

Best of prince of leaves
Hiding in the shallows, they had watched patiently, refining their human-baiting ploys to perfection. The giant octopi would eat well tonight.

Best of prince of leaves
Moses and the Israelites received manna from heaven in their time of need. Thanks to budget cuts in Heaven, the flock of the Highway 23 Bible Temple had to make do with what God could get them on sale at Costco.

Best of prince of leaves
The residents of Sandy Bay were the first to witness a heretofore undocumented Fortean phenomenon: the Dorito Fall.

Best of Chrees
With God as my witness, I thought Doritos could fly.

Best of The Man
Easter Egg hunting at Fat Camp.

Best of Adjustah
CSI's follow the path taken by DeVito and Clooney on their way to the View.

Best of Van Helsing
Then came the Eighth Plague, the Rain of Frito-Lay.

Best of Adjustah
Indiana Jones IV: On the Trail of Rosie O'Donnell

Best of Ayatollah Ghilmeini
So this is why Rush Limbaugh comes to the Dominican Republic!



Source - H/T: Jefe