Thursday, November 30, 2006

Burning Man

1. "I'll take 'things that are slightly less flaming than Andrew Sullivan' for $400, Alex."

2. "So, is this a Metallica concert or a Great White concert?"

3. Never light your farts after eating a double-habanera burrito at Taco Bell.

4. Before accepting Michael Richards apology, the NAACP decided to have fun by seeing what they could get him to do.

5. Andrew Sullivan reacts to Rick Santorum's nomination to the Supreme Court.

6. You know, if you moonbats really wanted to end the war, you'd all be setting yourselves on fire and jumping from buildings. So what's your problem, huh? C'mon, what are ya, pussies?

7. US Airways passenger from a flight where no one stood up to the imams.

Don't Try This At Home

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Everybody's Learnin' How

1. Debbie never went back to her Waterpik.

2. Staffers report that Senator Clinton often daydreams while humming Beach Boys tunes.

3. ...used condoms... broken hypodermic needles ... green algae... Reminds me of my last date with Subby.

4. Another Thursday, another bimbo riding something stiff and hard.

5. At the end of Ann Coulter's fantasy, she whips out a rocket launcher and takes out the entire Kennedy Compound.

Best of elliot
Whew, there's my top.

Best of The Man
Liberals try to demonize water boarding...but I see nothing wrong with it.

Best of champaignken
New from Ronco...the Hawiian Mega-bidet.

Best of Anonymous
Steffie didn't realize her period started today until the lifeguards closed the beach due to a red tide...

Best of prince of leaves
Next on "Little People, Big World", 12" tall Missy learns to surf on Lake Erie whitecaps, using a size-14 Dr. Scholl's shoe insert.

Best of Cybrludite
Tuesday's Schoolgirl daydearms about herself going on vacation in some exotic tropical locale, instead of having to go on her family's annual trip to see the Largest Ball Of Twine In Minnisota.

Big Love

1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad and Wilfred Brimley were married today in a civil ceremony in Somerset, MA.

2. This Christmas, show him you'd storm the embassy with him all over again... ♪ Every kiss begins with K...

3. "In deference to your hip pain, we'll use the doggie position."

4. "Don't worry my love. You're not my first old goat. I will be gentle."

5. "I'm sorry I called you Kofi in the heat of our passion."

6. Ahmadinejihad knew that raining atomic death on the Joos would bring forth the 12th Imam, but he had no idea he'd be so hot!

7. "V the K was right. Hockey IS an aphrodisiac.

8. Watch out TomKat! Here Comes WilfMah!

Best of Kevin Walker
Well, looks like SOTG and Submariner don't have to worry about these two being their daughters' prom dates.

Best of Anonymous
Some people get a little too worked up looking forward to the Thursday babes.

Is that a quran in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Best of Jay Guevara
"Let's bump uglies." "I Thought we already were."

Best of Submariner
In the wild, older alpha males occasionally resort to eating young bucks to prevent their ascendency.

Best of Submariner
No, no, no! The tongue action was a nice touch, but proper shiv placement is between the 5th and 6th ribs and angled UP and in!

Best of prince of leaves
Maliki thought bubble: "Wow -- it really IS forked!"

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

So, How'd You Guys Like The Show?

1. "Get him!"

2. "Guys, just to show you there's no hard feelings, I'm taking you to see Lisa Lampanelli and Sarah Silverman at the Comedy Store."

3. Hey, Kramer, you know what you can shove a fork in? Your career... it's done.

4. Jesse grimly concedes that Sheehan was more spongeworthy.

5. Negotiations went awry after Kramer ordered some Brazil nuts from a passing vendor.

6. "No, no, that's my water fountain. You guys's is over there."

7. "Bow-da-dow, Won't you take me to, bow-da-dow, Hymie-town!"

8. "So, Reverend Jackson, why don't we got to your church so I can pray for... what do mean you don't have a church?"

9. After consulting with Jesse Jackson, Mel Gibson, and Pat Buchanan, Michael Richards blamed his outburst on 'the dirty, sneaky, money-grubbing Jews.'

10. "Sure you can have an autograph, I had no idea you were a fan, Senator Byrd."

Best of Van Helsing
A chastised Richards resolutely fails to notice as Jackson helps himself to his wallet.

Best of prince of leaves
"But most of all, I'm sorry that my insensitive remarks offended Dawn..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ya know Jesse, Having Michael Richards appear on the Def Comedy Jam for pennance was a little over the edge."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh... he's standing right behind me, isn't he?"

Best of elliot
Million Man March II...999,999 black guys chasing after Michael Richards.

Best of Straight8
You gonna eat the rest of that watermelon?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Why yes, Kramerica is an equal opportunity employer."

Best of Dave
My attorney, Jackie Childs, has advised me not to answer that question.

Best of Submariner
Just to show there's no hard feelings about you crashing my career with that "Racist Richards" crap, I'm inviting the whole damn lot of you NAACP ni, er, brothers to my house for fried chicken, collard greens and watermelons...

Best of Submariner
Pardon me, but I speak jive. May I help?

Best of Adjustah
"I've got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're going to hear about it!" - This year, the airing of grievances was going to take a while.

Photo: Van the Helsing

Schoo is Coo

1. "Sharp pencil between the third and fourth vertabrae. Death is instantaneous."

2. "I've replaced the medicine in Hayley's inhaler with anthrax. Let's see if she notices."

3. With Putin bringing back the USSR and Chavez spreading communism through Latin America, the time was right for making Red Dawn II.

4. "Psst, Rebecca, they didn't find the gun in my backpack. 1. You owe me a dollar. 2. Who do you want me to ice?"

5. "All I know is, when Mrs. LeTourneau goes into her office with one of the boys and locks the door, he gets straight A's for the rest of the term." **

6. ORA: "So, ah, you are aware, of course, of why this teacher's nickname is 'Lassie?'"

7. "First Mrs. LeTourneau put that beach picture on the window. Now, she's teaching a lesson on 'Hawaiian honeymoons' and giving me that look. I'm outta here."

8. "... then they found the body. Of course my dad denied everything, but forensics confirmed a match with the fibers from the trunk of his car. How was your weekend?"

9. "Damn, shot down again. What is wrong with you girls in this 'Women's Studies' class?"

10. "Hey, looks like that Jeremy kid we used to pick on finally snapped. This should be cool."

** OTSC: Obligatory Teacher Sex Caption

Monday, November 27, 2006

Menage a Fuhrer

1. "So, how does Kirk not killing Edith Keeler lead to this, exactly?"

2. "Hey, Der Fuhrer's SelectComfort level is 65, he's very insistent on that."

3. After the war, the Galoises vigorously denied collaborating with the Nazis.

4. "Sorry dear, but there's just no more room in Hell and he refused to share the couch with Hillary."

5. "Look, his feet are kicking. He must be dreaming about running."

6. Rhea Perlman and Jerry Doyle Star in Bob & Carol & Ted & Hitler

7. Ironically, the man had earlier gotten a fortune cookie that read "A Man of Great Power Will Come Between You and Your Wife."

8. Mel Gibson's remake of It Happened One Night.

9. "Well, Rhea, the good news is, the one-testicle myth is now busted. The bad news is, the syphilis myth has been confirmed."

10. "...und Gott bless Goebbels, und Himmler, und Hess, und.."

Best of prince of leaves
Rosa and Klaus hit on a wacky plan to distract the Odessa hit-men stalking them, in this scene from 1940s classic "Weekend at Schickelgruber's".

Best of prince of leaves
"Dammit, Hans -- I *told* you not to eat potato salad before bedtime! Now it smells like a dead Fuehrer in here!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Honey, he's the Fuehrer and Reichskanzler's time to break him of wanting to crawl in bed with us every time there's a thunderstorm."

Best of prince of leaves
"Aww, honey...Adolph always looks so peaceful after he's had his warm Emmenthaler colonic..."

Best of elliot
No, YOU wake him and tell he snores.

Best of Targetpractice
The historically accurate account of Hitler's last days, as directed by Jerry Springer.

Best of Straight8
Vell Fritz, ve can put the legend of the enormous schvanzschtukker to rest.

Best of Submariner
Now ist the time at Schprockets vhen ve sleep...

Best of Submariner
Quit pretending to be asleep, Adolf; that wasn't your finger poking me!

Source: Sprockets

The White Trash Christmas Catalog Presents...

1. "And on the other arm, I want a big pink triangle with 'Gay Power' in Old English font."

2. ORA: "You're sure I couldn't get Twig or Dizzle to do this?"

3. Junior Hepatitis B Treatment Kit sold separately

4. "I'm thinking about a 10 gauge for the nipple piercing. I'm a dominant top, is that right or left tit?"

5. "I want to remark on your strong, gentle hands, but we've already done the gay joke."

6. "When you do the crucixion scene on my chest, it will look like Jesus giving me a 'bad touch' on either nipple."

7. If Billy's school had devoted more effort to literacy and less to 'Contemporary Modes of Self-Expression,' Johnny wouldn't have 'Borned 2 bee Wyold' tattooed on his bicep.

8. "What do you say later, we tattoo 'bitch' on Pedro and Leon's foreheads?"

9. "In juvie, we just used guitar string and shoe polish."

10. "Won't Father O'Malley freak when he sees the swastika you tattooed on my left butt cheek?"

Best of The Man
That's capital K and lower case FED. Don't forget the dash.

Best of The Man
Kiddie Meth Lab sold separately

Best of ac1
Timmy was later voted most likely to be called an "icehead" and thrown to the ground on an episode of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" by his junior high school classmates.

Best of David
New, from Kenner, a pen.

Best of prince of leaves
Cigarette logo and NASCAR-themed tattoo sets sold separately.

Best of prince of leaves
"I dinnint want mah Jimmy livin' on welfare when he growed up, so I gots him an educational, career-buildin' gift this year."

Best of prince of leaves
"Mom didn't get me the piercing kit to go with it, but I'm sure we can improvise with the new power-nailer she got her boyfriend."

Best of Adjustah
The Ritchie family loved it when the Federline boy stayed for dinner.

Source: For Parents Who Have Just Given Up

Friday, November 24, 2006

Farting in Your General Direction

1. As a Public Service, CapThis provides visual aids to bulimics who overdid it on Thanksgiving.

2. "Thanks for fixing my parking tickets, Barney!"

3. "Gross, indecent, and disgusting? For a bunch of guys who put their fists up each other's butts, you guys sure are judgmental."

4. "Now do you see why I keep him locked in a box with a ball-gag in his mouth," Sully lamented to the other Blue Oyster patrons.

5. "Happy Thanksgiving, boys. I'm ready for my stuffin'!"

Best of the paperboy
There sure are a lot of pig movies on TV lately.

Best of Cybrludite
Geeze, Prough, get yourself a belt for ghod's sake!
(Turing word: fuutjlnr, which I'm guessing is the sound made when Odin farts...)

Best of Submariner
Well then! If these pants make my ass look fat, I don't really need them, do I?

Best of Anonymous
I'm only bulging stretched fat above the waist, Andrew babee, down below that, I'm a shriveled little pedo-dream.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Lemmiwinks II: The Return

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"It wasn't funny when you did your 'cling-on' impression last Halloween, Derrick."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
November's centerfold in "Plumber's Crack" magazine was a huge success.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"There... You've humiliated me... And now you will want to violate me, I suppose... Well here then go ahead... Come on... I'm making it easy for you..."

Best of Cricket
Redneck Chippendale's audition.

Best of Jonathan
Hey, that looks like that bar down the street called The Manhole. Um, I mean, that's what I heard that it looks like! How the hell would I know?

Best of Jonathan
Having been laid off from the chicken processing plant after the election, Macaca resorted to turning tricks at Brokeback Jack's to "make ends meet".

Best of prince of leaves
Moments later, everyone realized the stripper was *not* Rosie O'Donnell after all, but some guy named Steve.

Best of divine miss m
Dirk's less famous but equally enthusiastic brother, Dork Diggler.

Best of Rodney Dill
"There is no cake, there is no ice cream, Happy Birthday."

I think I owe Franco a Hat Tip for this, but I am honestly too traumatized to remember.

Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Gray Poupon

1. The Aerial Equivalent of a Hummer tailgating a Yaris.

2. You see son, when an F-15 and and a P-51 Mustang love each other very, very much...

3. "Hey, look, it's Sheehan's Peace Compound. I'll do a strafing run to scatter them and you line-up the JDAMS."

4. When it comes to joining the Mile High Club, some guys like to make it a challenge.

5. July 1999. Somewhere off the New England coast. "Dude, look, it's JFK junior. Let's f**k with him."

Source: Adam T

Thursday, November 23, 2006

That Ain't No Turkey

1. "Hmm, I wonder if she'd be willing to help me with my Hip Pain."

2. And yet, Congressman Foley is still trying to use his telephoto lens to peer into the JV locker room.

3. "But I want to rough the passer!"

4. "Security, we need a fag-check on the only guy in the photo not staring at her ass."

SI: On a Tip From Subby

Just to annoy PETA

1. "Eat it? You mean I can't stick it in my sister's bed? How about just the head?"

2. "No way. My family's gonna eat this. You're a sick bastard, Bryan Hathaway."

3. Using his 'fan-dancing transvestite' lure, a young hunter readies his 30.06 and prepares to bag Barney Frank.

4. "Come on, I got him clean through the neck. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do that when you're drunk off your ass?"

5. "Well, Dad, am I ready to hunt the most dangerous game of all... man?"

6. "Oh, stop your bitching, Mr. Cheney, it's only a flesh wound."


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Kids Allegedly Say The Darndest Thangs

1. "So, this 'Odd Couple,' they're just roommates, right? There better not be any Brokeback action in this script."

2. "So, to make, like, stoner soup, you need... like, Doritos and Twinkies and ... um... Mallomars."

3. "According to the Anarchist's cookbook, this should leave a smoking crater the size of a Volkswagen."

4. "We're not playing house so much as 'West Hollywood Condo.'"

5. "Stones, potatoes, onions, carrots... and some fingers from some careless immigrant meat packers."

6. "The Old 'Ex-Lax in the Brownies' gets them every time."

7. "We're six! How could there possibly be a pubic hair in the soup?"

8. "Tofurkey? I'd rather eat my own nutsack."

The Obligatory TomKat Session

1. Andrew Sullivan violates the first rule of weddings, never take attention away from the bride.

2. "The tinsel holds off the negative engrams and habaloo dipsiluscious thetan goo-bah. I can't explain it any more clearly than that."

3. "And I want lifts, stilts, and a pony. Is that OK, Mardi-Gras Santa?"

4. "Xenu deems the sacrifice acceptable. Let the ceremony begin."

5. "Hey, you smell like latex, Shalimar, and toilet cleaner. Doing anything later?"

H/T: Brender

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

He's Lunk! He's Lunk! He's Lunk!

1. Today on "Vietnamese Cooking with Lunk..."

2. "Will 'Puppy Love' be recognized by the Massachusetts Supreme Court? This man says 'yes.' Next Geraldo."

3. 'Ow to speak Enumclaw: Menage a Trois.

4. Dogs Go Crazy for Lunk's patented 'Airplane Rides.'

5. "What was never revealed to the audience was that Tiger died of 'internal hemmorhaging' after a rough night with Robert Reid." Growing Up Brady, Chapter 3.

Best of Silhouette
"Ma'am, I think I found what was clogging up your disposal."

Best of Submariner
Andrew then inserted a 'pole' and showed how to use one as a dust mop.

Best of Silhouette
"Now, Billy, you know we can't afford real pinatas. But I fed Muffy and Jazzy here all your left over Halloween candy, wrappers and all. Go get me a string and a bat."

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
"Ya find the damnedest things when you strip search the incoming prisoners."

Best of Frank IBC
A pair of Lhasa Apsos are great for hiding the m'oobs.

Best of Frank IBC
After much training, the Lhasas knew what to do when faced by a dangerous predator:
-Play "dead" for large carnivorous animals.
-Play "live" for Bryan Hathaway.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Subliminal Messaging

Best of Rodney Dill
Left to Right: Wide Receiver, Tight End, Tailback.

Best of Submariner
Andrew smiled hopefully; "Any realtionship between your number and your name, Dick?"

Best of Submariner
It was bound to happen; Hollywood decided to film "Brokeback Night Football..."

Best of Submariner
I wish I knew how to blitz you...

K the P Again

Foxy Boxing

1. As their respective interns battled, Hillary and Bill stood off to the side chanting "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" reminding everyone of the class they had brought to their tenure in the White House.

2. "Good, good, Let the anger flow! It is your destiny to join the Dark Side!"

3. SOTG stood at the side quietly muttering, "
Stop. Stop it right now. Stop."

4. Thanksgiving with V the K's family is never complete without the traditional holiday 'Drunken brawl over the last bottle of PBR.'

5. Is K-Fed really worth this?

Best of The Man
Rosie O'Donnell misunderstands the concept of fisting.

Best of The Man
The loser of this fight has to date K-Fed.

Best of Submariner
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia di Rossi debate what the best thing about being a lesbian is: "Tastes great!" "Less filling!"

Best of Submariner
Girls, girls - Stop it! I'm not taking EITHER of you to the prom!

Best of Submariner
Don't you hate it when the girls' cycles get in synch?

Best of Submariner
You did too queef!

Best of Cybrludite
White designer tank top: $30
Boxing Gloves: $45
A picture of you hitting like a girl on the internet: Priceless

Best of Anonymous
Pelosi and Harman decided to settle who would be the Intelligence Chair the old fashioned way...

K the P Again

Monday Moan

1. The cover of Emo band "Hip Pain's" latest album was too disturbing even for Marilyn Manson.

2. Snoop Dogg, the later years.

3. In the future, couples in their Golden Years will be pumped full of hormones and relocated to underwater retirement homes.

4. Admit it, you just threw up in your mouth a little.

5. "Oh yeah, baby Unh! You're a young worker! Unh! I'm living off the social security you'll never collect, Unh! Yeah, take it, bitch!"

Best of nevergrewup
"Honey,if you could see better, you could read on the bottle that this is the only way this pill can be properly inserted."

Best of The Man
$50 million dollars later, the K-Fed-Brittany sex tape airs.

Best of Anonymous
Hip Pain's follow-up release, "Rectal Itch," was even less successful.

Best of Submariner
Barney giggled; "push in your stool, Freshman?"

Best of divine miss m
This way, they can BOTH watch Hockey Night in Canada.

Best of Shayne
"I'm flaccid and I can't get up!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Latest movie release from the Middle East: "When Osama met Yasser"

Best of Rodney Dill
Chelsea Clinton: "Mom? Dad?"

Best of evariste
Remember, dear, pull the beads out gently and slowly this time. You're not trying to start the lawnmower!

Best of Submariner
Tonight on E! Hollywood Insider: David Nelson (the other son) takes you through his private, never-before-seen-by-the-public, collection of out-takes from the "Ozzie and Harriet Show."

Best of Anonymous
Some Imam from Australia who compares women to dogs filmed a demonstration of how to treat women in bed. In the demonstration, all participants are clothed, but the woman is not wearing her hijab. In such event, the, Imam states, the man is obliged to cause her hip pain by doing her from the small hole in the behind, all the while shrieking, "cover your face!"

Best of Anonymous
How not to remove a gerbil.

Best of Rodney Dill
Geriatic Sex 101: 'tis better to copulate than never.

Best of Adjustah
Thanks to YouTube, we can now all enjoy the U.K. versions of the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed commercials...

Best of Submariner
Is it in yet, Earl?

Best of Adjustah
Andy hated it when Grandma and Grandpa stayed in his room for Thanksgiving...

Best of sonicfrog
♫ ...We don't have to take outr clothes off
To have a good time
Oh no
We could dance & party all night (all night)
And drink some cherry wine
Uh huh
Na na na na na na... ♫

Source: K the P

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Saturday, When the Cana Goes Up and the UV Go Down

1. Back off Subby and SOTG. This is my prom date.

2. Nice try, but the search for 'Things that smell worse than Cindy Sheehan' still doesn't have a winner.

3. "Who needs a prom date when you've got something this warm, willing, and wiggly."

4. "Wilbur, I sure hope after you get slaughtered, somebody rubs your fat all over a Jihadi and sends him straight to Hell! Bacon Akhbar!"

5. Andrew Sullivan's google search for 'Submissive Pig Boy' found only this before he turned Safe Search off.

6. "Giant robot hiding behind the parabolic grove of trees? What have you been smoking?"

7. "What's that Wilbur? You dreamed you were being stunned and gutted by Fez from That 70's Show? "

8. "Curse their intolerance! Wilbur, we need to move to Massachusetts or New Jersey. Maybe not everyone will understand our forbidden love... but we only need four judges."

9. "You think some stupid message in a spider's web is going to change your fate? No, it's off to the slaughterhouse for you, my little friends."

10. Tyler's prom date was stunned that The Abbatoir was not a French restaurant he was taking her to.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Because it's got Fez in it, that's why

1. Fantastic Voyage: 2007! A crack team of scientists pilot a spaceship into Andrew Sullivan's colon to remove a polyp. Unlike the original, there's no miniaturization involved.

2. This week on Dirty Jobs, the guys who have to clean up the stage after one of Streisand's Anti-Bush tirades.

3. Soylent Green, Made From the Best Stuff On Earth.*

4. "No, thanks, Mrs. Huffington. We know you like slumming with swarthy, working-class types, but, frankly, I'd rather gut pigs for the next nine hours."

5. "So, when we're done dismembering this one, does Senator Clinton want it dumped in the river or the landfill?"

6. "I don't care how much the trick is paying us for the THX-1138 fantasy, I'm not shaving my head, and I'm not touching his damn beagle."

7. "Bryan! Get away from that carcass!"

8. "I love this time of year, when the processing plant is ripe with the stench of fear crazed turkeys, when big, hard-muscled men with huge, sharp knives slit the turkeys' throats and let the blood run across the floors in little rivers, blood splattering on the feathers and the men's shiny, naked bodies, blood everywhere, blood and feathers, feathers and blood..."

9. "Actually, Miss Hilton, the thought of doing a stupid spoiled whore like you makes me throw up in my helmet a little."

10. "The Democrats say menial jobs are degrading. The Democrats say we'd be better off on welfare. The Democrats say big corporations are exploiting us. The Democrats say..."

* Except when one of Keith Ohlberman's 'Worst Persons in the World' gets mixed in.

Best of Submariner
Bring out yer dead...

Best of Submariner
Mr. V. the K., sir? We're the clean up crew for your website - something about "mental images of Pelosi in a leather-boy outfit" causing regulars to yak on monitors?

Best of Jonathan
With the midterm elections over, Macaca had to return to work at the chicken processing plant.

Best of prince of leaves
Guy in back: "Hey, ever get that feeling like you're in the prologue to an X-Files episode?"

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Capricorn 15's, enter the Carousel! This is the time of renewal!"

Best of Cybrludite
Hello, Ms. O'Donnel, we're here to perform your pap-smear.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Good, the Bad And Her Tits

1. "Molecular Biologists my ass. They're bimbos! Read their story, moron."

2. "Back off, George Michael. If you wanna follow that middle-aged trucker into the port-a-potty, you'll have to go through me."

3. I wish they were a delicious Thanksgiving dinner I could enjoy them with my family and then fall asleep on the couch.

4. "'Scuse me while I whip these out."

5. Yeah, like brains are going to get you a paid internship at the Clinton Foundation.

Best of Straight8
"So do I" thought the brain-sucking hat.

Best of Anonymous
...'cause at least my brains won't be sagging down to my hips in a few years"

Best of curly
I wish these were real

Best of Cybrludite
Eileen Bachendoit shows off her new t-shirt.

Best of Submariner
'Ow to Speak Awstraylian: Party Decorations

Best of Rodney Dill
But then she'd have to say 'My eyes are up here, stop looking at my brains...' Jees, how dumb would that sound?

Best of Rodney Dill
(on back) Instead of Golden Palace dot Com billboards.

Best of Submariner
Makes me wanna play mind games with her...

Best of Brian in MA
"Personally, I thought this would be in better taste than 'I had an Abortion.'"

Best of Rodney Dill
"... 'cause my hats just too d*mn big otherwise."

Best of Submariner
Sure would make wiring her up for an EEG a lot more fun, wouldn't it?

Best of Submariner
It's GOOD to be a country phrenologist!

Not Babes, Just A Couple of Bimbos With Big Hair

1. "No, Barbie, I don't think excessive cosmetic surgery leaves you with a fake plasticky complexion."

2. Still friends despite the scandal, Barney Frank and Mark Foley begin another festive night of voguing.

3. "Apparently, we're not tall enough to ride Dick Cheney's penis."

4. Everyone at Avalon Manor loved Pedro and Leon's new look.

5. "Ahem, we happen to have just given a lecture on histone acetylation and chromatin remodeling in meiotic recombination for the Molecular Biology symposium. Don't let our blank expression and stupid pink headbands fool you. We are geniuses."

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Billy and the Boingers

1. "Because making inferior knock-offs of Apple products is what made me a billionaire. Next question, Idiot."

2. "The hot cylon underwear model who lives in my head says God has a plan for me."

3. "No, the logo is not a secret Pentagram. Oh, wait, it is. Hail Satan!"

4. "OK, Kids, Now we're gonna slow it down a little bit with some Nelly Furtardo."

5. "Of course it locks up unexpectedly and renders your other programs inoperable. It's a Microsoft product, for Science's sake."

6. "It comes pre-loaded with 1 Gig of hip tunes from Kenny G and Zamfir."

7. "And the band would like to thank 'ET the Extra-Terrestrial' for being our roadie."

8. "But enough about Zune, what do y'all think of the third leg I had grafted onto me?"

9. At the end of the Zuney-Tunes show, Bill Gates stammered "Th-th-th-that's all folks."

10. ♫ I feel like I got a f*ckin' gun against my head/ You live when I'm dead/ One more time, mother f*cker/ Everybody hates me now, so f*ck it..."

Best of divine miss m
Keep the day job, Bill; air guitar's obviously not your thing.

Best of jeff
"Why Yes, we had M.C. Escher do both the logo and the user interface - how did you know?"

Best of curly
"...and hackers will love the new wi-fi features..."

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Even you, with your super-speed couldn't possibly catch both missiles, Superman. While I, with this detonator, could save the world..."

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Once men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them. Welcome to Zune."

Best of Anonymous
Nice. Making fun of a geeky liberal gazillionaire. Read his story. Educate yourselves, morons.

Best of Silhouette
One would think a ten minute "ring tone" solo would leave most crowds flat, but he knew his audience.

Best of Silhouette
"Yes, the logo is several interconnected pink triangles. What are you saying?"

"More cow bell. Nuff said."

Best of Submariner
"...and if your jet crashes in the Andes, the "blue screen of death" makes a fantastic signalling mirror..."

Delta Dawn

1. After what Ricky did in the maintenance hangar, all the other airplanes started ignoring him.

2. "And when we get to 30,000 feet, yell 'Allahu Akhbar!' and detonate. Thanks for ending profiling, Nancy Pelosi."

3. "Aw, shit, I just noticed there's a fat Mexican, a hot fugitive chick, an Iraqi, an incestuous teenage couple, and a crippled bald guy on this flight. Get me the Hell Out of Here!"

4. "Your captain, John Denver, and your first officer, Cory Lidle, wish you a very short and pleasant flight."

5. "Your Captain, Mohammed Abdul, and your first officer, Abdul Mohammed, wish you a very short and unpleasant flight. Allahu Akhbar!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"As soon as the dwarves are done with flight 101, they'll come pull us into the gate."

Best of curly
"Captain! Look at this long line for takeoff. It's a good thing I was able to sneak some Jack Daniels into the cockpit."

Best of Submariner
Heckuva landing, Cap'n; 'course most pilots do it lengthwise down the runway...

Just out of frame to the right, Andrew Sullivan is on knees and elbows hollering "Brace yourself, Bridgit!"

I'm sorry folks, but this flight was just cancelled. It seems the pilot saw George Kennedy driving the push-back cart...

Best of Silhouette

"This is the shortest runway I've ever landed on in my LIFE! (long pause) Widest, too."

Best of prince of leaves
Looking down the taxiway, the Delta plane saw a fleeting mirage of planes from Eastern, Pan Am, TWA, and Piedmont, and shuddered with doom.

Best of CJ
"In the event of a cabin seizure, a small gun will drop from the panel above your seat. Run to the front of the plane and claim it in the name of Allah!"

AssPress/Excite News

Goodbye Majority, Hello Open Borders!

1. "I think they're called leatherboys, George." "But what's with the heels, Laura? I don't get it."

2. "See that pinky finger? Sometimes, you gotta get rough to keep your b*tch in line."

3. "Aw, come on, buckaroos. Three hour naps at noon. Two dollar hookers. All the tequila you can drink. You're going to love being a colony of Mexico."

4. Ever since they watched Mr and Mrs Smith on DVD, Bush and the First Lady have added zest to their sex life by sneaking out at night and killing people.

5. "And if I'm lying about border security, may my wife be impaled by a flagpole."

Best of Curious Onlurker
Jazz hands!

Best of lawhawk
It's safe to assume that Laura's back on the sauce...

Best of Submariner
♪ ...Puttin' on the Ritz! ♪

Best of curly
"That's right Laura, keep moving to your left...just like my presidency."

Best of prince of leaves
"Wave buh-bye to whatever shred of conservativism you had left, George!"

Best of divine miss m
♫ Hello! ma baby,
Hello! ma honey,
Hello! ma ragtime gal...♫

Best of Cricket
"Let's do the Time Warp again!"

Best of Submariner
"See that pinky finger? Sometimes, you gotta get rough to keep your b*tch in line; somethin' my perdecesser never larned... or mebbe misunderestimated the value of... "

AssPress Photo/Nick Wass/Excite News

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Remember, Jihad is Arabic for Mein Kampf

1. "Son of Jor-El, Kneel Before Zod!"

2. The U.N. at first refused to pull his finger. Then, they backed down and pulled it anyway.

3. By insisting his finger was a ray gun and making 'pew-pew' noises, Ahmadinejihad was able to threaten Hans Blix into total submission.

4. Uncle Mahmoud Wants You!

5. President of Iran or Futurama's Hypno-Toad. You be the judge.

Best of Adjustah
"NO soup for you!!"

Best of lawhawk
If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

Best of Kevin Walker
"Did YOU take my goat?"

Best of The Man
UN Rock Paper Scissors
UN: Paper
Iran: Nuke
Iran wins

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes I want that pretty one that is tied up over there...and I want all Iran's garden gnomes returned right now or I will Nuke Norway."

Best of divine miss m
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "No more f@#%ing ABBA!"


I want YOU to want ME!
♫ I waaant you to want me ♫
♫ I neeeed you to need me...♫

Best of Submariner
That Helen Thoms thing over there. Have it shot and put out of its misery...

Best of Submariner
How can I offer fine camels at this price, you ask with great fear and trepidation? Because I'm Crazy Mahmoud and I'm INSANE!

NO ONE calls me a "tyrannical, pip-squeak, spawn-of-Satan with little-man disease" and lives to laugh at me. Guard - shoot my mother!

Best of curly
"Put burkas on those two freaks!"

Best of lawhawk
How much for the little boys. Your sons. Sell them to me. Sell me your children.

Best of Targetpractice, Worst of Both Worlds
"That one! The sultry young buck with the fire in his eyes. Have him shaved and brought to my tent."

Bringing New Meaning to the Phrase, WTF

1. "You talk to them, dear, they're your parents."

2. In San Francisco, you never know what one of those 'My dad can beat up your dad' challenges will lead to.

3. Pedro and Leon eventually received an NEA Grant.

4. "Oh, poo! I just broke a nail."

5. As it turns out, a few changes in the dress code were all the NSA needed to make Gitmo interrogations acceptable to Andrew Sullivan.

6. "I didn't say they were fighting, I said they were exchanging blows."

7. "Sorry, we can't continue until the kid with the Wesson Oil arrives."

8. After Barney Frank's Chairmanship of the House Banking Committee, the mortgage application process would never be the same.

Best of Jonathan
"Do you really think we'll need THAT much rope for Mr. Gere's gerbils?"

Best of sonicfrog
Competition for the role of Mr. Slave in the live-action South Park movie is quite fearce.

Best of Submariner
When did Grace Jones get her skin bleached?

If I tell you where the Roaming Gnome is, will you still promise to beat it out of me?

Best of champaignken
Under the Democratic Congress, the Boy Scouts introduce the new knott-tying badge.

Really, does this harness make me look fat?

Best of Silhouette
"You can untie me now. Really. The election is over. I promise never to even think about voting Republican again."

Best of The Man
If one of these guys jumped on your back...would you beat him off?

Best of Jason
Lt. Watada is that you?

Best of Rodney Dill
"So why do you hang around with that Sadist?" "Beats me."

Best of racerboy
When the Divine Miss M finds out what you've done with her boots, you're going to be verrrrry sorry!

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
"My moobs are bigger'n yours. Live with it."

Best of Adjustah
These were the days that Superman really regretted having X-ray vision...

Best of Michigan-Matt
"You know honey, lisps just don't go with poromeric simulated leather at any level of fashion sense."

Best of jeff
"So, do you use saddle soap on your shorts, or do you prefer the chafing feel?"

Best of jbinnout
Hmmmm... 29 comments in and no mention of "Sub and SOTG your prom dates are here!" ...somebody had to do it...

Best of CJ
So, ROTC is out, but this kind of thing is OK? WTF?

H/T: Leatherdancing Franco IBC

Monday, November 13, 2006

Someone's Coping With Inadequacy

1. Howard Dean stammered, "Truly, he is the Chosen One, who will aid the DNC in restoring the rule of the Dark Old Ones."

2. ORAThe Witches of Scottsdale were a lot more hardcore than their sisters in Eastwick.

3. It goes without saying what orifice Andrew Sullivan used in topping this feat.

4. Hillary was outraged when she learned someone else had eaten her breakfast.

5. Mares eat oats, and does eat oats and trollish little freaks eat live rattlesnakes.

6. "Richard Gere... Call Me!"

7. Donald Pleasance reprises in Halloween III: Season of the Witch LIVE!

8. Ironically, he lost on Fear Factor for refusing to eat a horse testicle.

9. And then he sneezed and wiped out the whole front row.

10. Only slightly less freakish and frightening than Pelosi Murtha and Conyers running the US House of Representatives.

Hat Tip: The Voice of Waylon Jennings

Best of The Man
Holy Crap Stan. What did you have to drink!

Best of Submariner
Andrew yawned, "Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt, and already used it for a dust rag."

Maverick smirked as he left the stateroom, "A bet's a bet, Captain, and I DID win that battle..."

Barney sniffed, "I said gobble my 'trouser' snake, Freshman..."

Best of Van Helsing
This is why snake eggs must be thoroughly cooked before being eaten.

Best of Silhouette
Some of the tributes at Steve Irwin's funeral were touching.

Best of Anonymous
Photographic proof that the white man speaks with forked tongue.

Best of champaignken
A little known American Indian cure for intestinal gerbilitis.

You think this is dangerous, I went out on a date with Andrew Sullivan.

Best of sonicfrog
Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, Mushroom, Mushroom, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger,.....

Best of Anonymous
Reverend Haggerty has stuffed worse in his mouth.

Best of What, me worry?
"Mom, Grandpa's throwing up more Democrats!"

Even the most ardent homosexual creeps were grossed out by Bob's new writhing tongue stud.

Best of Submariner
Mary Matlin always dreaded the Carvel family reunions...

Best of prince of leaves
"What's an Appalachian Kiss? It's sorta like a French Kiss...but with the Spirit of the Lord, Hallleeeeeeloooooooyah!"

Here, Let Me Adjust Those For You

1. Barney Frank's victory party continues into its second week.

2. "Awww, Andrew, why does it always have to be Abu Ghraib, Abu Ghraib, Abu Ghraib. The way you put that hood over my head makes me think you no longer find me pretty."

3. "This point of this role-playing exercise is to make you sympathetic to a vulnerable, sexually abused intern. We hope you don't have any heart problems, Congressman Foley. This just about killed Bill Clinton."

4. "Silly zombie, those aren't my BRAINS!"

5. Where will you be when your Vi@gr@ kicks in?

Best of Submariner
Manipulation check complete - NOT a Cylon...

Best of divine miss m
The door-to-door breast exam guy just played along so as not to blow his own cover.

Best of Silhouette
"Ignore the doorbell, it's just Jodie Foster."

Best of Submariner
My eyes are up here, Heath.

Green satin bra at Victoria's Secret - $28.00
Can of Wilson center court balls - $12.50
Gas for the trip to the Hampton's - $76.34
Look on dad's face when your 'fiance' has a deeper voice than his? PRICELESS

Best of sonicfrog
Notice the empty Gerbil cage???

Best of Anonymous
"Thankfully, mom and Dad Leffingwell don't bother me in my basement room so I can go all tranny whenever I want!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Jeez, Anne -- when the waiter said that jambalaya was spicy enough to put hair on your chest, he wasn't kidding..."

"Really, Grampaw, please -- no more 'colorful' stories of your Navy shore-leaves in Bangkok..."

Victor/Victoria's secret.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

100% Pure Nightmare Fuel

1. Missouri would come to regret passing that cloning amendment.

2. America, and what it would look like if we shared a border with the Black Forest instead of Mexico.

3. Travelocity was eventually driven to bankruptcy by the cost of the Roaming Gnome's paternity suits.

4. Long lines outside Democrat voting precincts --- and the timidity of election officials to challenge voting credentials --- were a major factor in some districts Tuesday night.

5. Reasons V the K is single: Because this scene, a twelve pack, and a case of shotgun shells is his recipe for a great first date.

Best of attmay
Sometime in the 1930s: Walt Disney felt bad about the fact that he had to turn down all but 7 of these guys for his movie.

Best of Submariner
"Hi, ho'. Get me off and to work I'll go." Walt just HAD to come up with a way to sanitize the dwarf's theme song for the 40's audience...

OK, we bought the nucs from l'il Kim, now where is that Smurf village?

Best of Van Helsing
Scary — for a moment I thought the election had resulted in Washington being invaded by an army of Robert Reichs.

Best of Silhouette
The dream I have after mixing Pixie Stix with brownies, and washing it all down with Sprite.

I do NOT want to know what the third gnome from the left is doing.

Best of Jay O'Mandermann
"Oh, de Smurftown ladies smurf dis song, doo-dah, doo-dah..."

Best of Silhouette
The same guy who did the chicken wire and kerosene experiment "proves" Bush was responsible for the Bataan Death March.

Best of I'm ashamed to say
Pot of Gold? Do I look like a mother f@*#*$& leprechaun?

Best of prince of leaves
Overwhelmed by the crop and forest damage caused by the proliferation of the imported species, the state legislature saw no alternative but to open a no-limit bludgeoning season on Bavarian Gnomes.

"So, Mark...we hear you have a thing for little guys..."

Moments later, a formation of A-10s flew over, reducing the procession to a strip of steaming carnage which would become known as "The Forest Path of Death".

Best of What, me worry?
A dark and unknown chapter of the Snow White story has it that between the time she went comatose and was later awaken by the prince’s kiss, Doc and Dopey offered her to the other nearby horny dwarfs for diamonds and gold nuggets.

Best of Rodney Dill

Hi Ho Hi Ho, my hats a red dildo.

Best of Anonymous
No sport in the history of humankind has ever exploded more quickly than "Dwarves pulling planes."

Best of curly
"We're here to do the work that the Elves won't do."

Best of The Man
Democrats 3-step plan for Iraq. Redeploy troops to Japan, airdrop garden gnomes, blame Bush.

Best of Submariner
Teddy mused; "I know they aren't really there - just the effects of too much Irish whiskey over the decades - but aren't they cute l'il buggers?"

Best of The Man
Behold, the inside of Andrew Sullivan's flat rotting colon.

DeR Speigel

Friday, November 10, 2006

Onward to Hell

1. "I can never remember whether Barney Frank is a Senator or a Congressman, but when he's chasing you down the street with his pants around his ankles, it doesn't really matter."

2. "Whipping it out during 'Show and Tell' was classic Jackass... and well worth the two-week suspension."

3. "Drop acid and play Halo? You bet!"

4. "Granted, Mrs. Ryan is one fine piece of ass but I'm not sure if I could kill her husband."

5. "Have you ever noticed that "Lowell Elementary School" is an anagram for "Welcome to hell, son?"

6. "Anyway, so my dad puts this picture of me with a big bottle of Wesson Oil on the internet and you wouldn't believe the sick perverted things people were saying about it."

Messy Room

1. "the MYDD victory party was awsom my rooms trashd my guinny pigs ded & i got crotch rash like u wuldnt belieev."

2. Your room would look like this too if you took blotter acid and watched Pink Floyd's The Wall 150 times over. Right, Byron?

3. "Ths isnt funee guyz! Where did u hide my diaframm?"

4. "I should really clean my room, but the knockers on the Thursday babe are just too captivating."

5. Another seventh grade teacher looking for love in all the wrong places... in this case, the MySpace profiles of her third period English class.

6. Darlene mistakenly thought the on-line sex-offender list was a dating service.

7. "Man, those guys really, really hate Andrew Sullivan."

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Here's Looking Back at You

1. "Wesson Oil Boy? Where are you Wesson Oil Boy?"

2. A Clinton intern is suprised to learn other interns are not paid $165,000 per year.

3. "See, Speaker Pelosi, I have kept my neck clean and my blood warm as you requested."

4. Every time you vote liberal, God turns a hot babe like this into a butch dyke.

5. "Yes, Mr. Sullivan, I do have a brother, but porky, demented, middle-aged, self-righteous pricks aren't his type."

6. "Come up with a Sunday School-related caption for these, church-boy."

7. "Enjoy it while you can. With Pelosi in charge of the House, I'll probably be in a full burqa by 2009."

Best of Submariner
Salome couldn't wait for the big payoff now that she had made it to the last veil...

Best of Submariner
Mindy didn't mind Dr. Subby always oiling her down for her physical, but she wasn't thrilled with the number of "takes" required for her mammogram due to slippage...

Best of Rodney Dill
OK so where the F--- are the "...your date is here, Mr. Dill..." captions now, huh?

Feel Better?

1. Narcissus looked fabulous after that trip to Thailand.

2. Actually, Gideon would have picked her to take into battle even if she didn't lap water like a dog*.

3. I almost can't bear to tell her she's downstream from a Tyson chicken-rendering plant.

4. Raised by bears, Shee-na displays her salmoning skills.

5. "Bugger this 'develop lungs' shit: I'm going back to Atlantis."

* I taught that story in Sunday School two weeks ago - V
Best of Capt. Queeg
"Give us that, precious..." "Why?" "Because it's our birthday, precious-s-s-s-s-s.."

Best of jeff
"All right, stop the cameras - I dropped a contact..."

1/2 second before the croc pulled the rest of her under.

"Um dear, this 'water plant only' diet of yours is going too far."

Best of Silhouette
From Here To Eternity bloopers: Deborah Kerr loses Burt Lancaster in the surf.

Best of champaignken
Senator Clinton are you sure you lost your wedding ring in this stream?

Best of NewSisyphus
"..and in the animal kingdom, this behavior is called 'presenting'"

Best of curly
"Here fishy fishy!"

"Me Tarzan. You hot number."

Best of champaignken
"One can see the American beaver in its natural habitat."

Best of the paperboy
The first of 6.5 million illegal houskeepers forced to wade back across the border on hands and knees...

Best of Submariner
Ooooooooh - I wish I was a loofa!

Best of What, me worry?
From the primordial ooze to the primo cooze, you'll find all of your primary news at Caption This!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Dwight... is it something we did?

1. $5 says someone is about to see his still-beating heart.

2. "That's right, I said 'Suck it!'"

3. Rosie O'Donnell's interview with Harold Ford hits a rough patch on the topic of gay marriage.

4. Prussian Blue concerts have strict rules against Negroes in the mosh pit.

5. Teen Hurley prepares to beat the crap out of Teen Eko in yet another surreal Lost flashback.

6. "No, bitch, pardon me while I whip this out!

7. "Look, assmunch, you can make a case for Kirk or Picard, but anyone who picks Janeway as best captain needs the shit kicked out of him on general principle."

8. "Well, Leon, since Pedro's out sick, I guess it's just you and me."

9. "I got a better idea, Stevie Wonder. How about I shove your piano key-board --- Oh Lord --- up your ebony ass sideways."

10. "Papist Idolator! Prepare to feel Luther's wrath!"

Best of prince of leaves
"Mavis Beacon Teaches Hand-to-Hand Combat for Self-Defense"

Best of prince of leaves
Urkel looks down, sees stain on pants: "Did I do thaaaat?"

Best of Straight8
Why,yes. I am a proud graduate of the Clinton/Kerry school of finger poking. Thank you for noticing.

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
"Hey Jackass, if WE'RE not allowed to wear FUBU, then YOU'RE not allowed to hum Weird Al's 'White and Nerdy' in the hallways, got it?"

Mere seconds later, Meat was stunned as Cliff inexplicably turned green, grew to twice his normal size, and began peppering him with Boolean Algebra postulates.

Before his Mod Squad days, Linc Hayes wasn't always the picture of cool that he would later become.

Best of curly
"OK four eyes...Are you gonna give to the UNICEF Stop Family Violence Fund or what?"

Best of champaignken
Barack Obama and Denny Hassert, the teen years.

"Harold, I told you to call me!"

H/T: Dwight, the Troubled Teen

Portrait of the Psyche of a Very Troubled Young Man

1. The Victory party was especially tough on Clinton's interns.

2. Another Hillary Clinton intern learns the surprising truth of female ejaculation.

3. "Would Madame care for an after dinner mint? It's wafer thin."

4. Kellogg's resorts to negative advertising in the infamous "Cheerios Will Rot Your Face Off" campaign.

5. Inspired by Sci-Fi's "re-imagined" Battlestar Galactica, Lifetime's re-imagined Little House on the Prairie features Laura Ingalls and Nelly Olson in tales of erotic catfights and sexual awakenings.

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
The bumper sticker campaign for "What Would Peter North Do?" got very little saturation in Bible belt states.

Best of racerboy
Uhh.... OK, don't move, I'll go get you a towel...

Best of Jonathan
Moonbeam was happy that she could cheer up Ned Lamont.

Best of Anonymous

Best of prince of leaves
You know you've got a drinking problem when you wake up in a pool of your own used White Russians.

Best of prince of leaves
"Are you sure all registered Republicans have to go through this to vote in this precinct?"

Best of Straight8
The nationwide open Clinton intern tryouts unearthed some very promising prospects.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Yeah, it was nice meeting you too, Mr North."

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
Bringing husbands and wives together in front of the television, Rachel Ray's new line of Bukakke videos offer a little something for everyone.

Best of Submariner
Uh, listen babe - either you have a completely wrong understanding of "snowballing" or you got crappy aim...

Hillary was P!ssed with a capital P. How dare Bill ruin another of her interns?

Best of jbinnout
Munching Mentos and slugging sodas, what is it with kids these days?

Best of Submariner
whoooaaaa, Hill! Better get some Monistat 7 quick!

Best of What, me worry?
“I would have won the pie eating contest, but I got grossed our when Rosie O’Donnell sprinkled pubic hair all over hers, yelled ‘Hillary’ and slammed her face into the pie pan.”

H/T: Dwight the Troubled Teen

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Another Creepy Dog Costume

1. "I Rove Riving Rith Rig Ray Ral."

2. Sullivan's Beagle's Prom Date is here.

3. The Queer Eye For The Straight Guy meets American Chopper makeover was doomed from the start.

4. Sparky, official mascot of the San Francisco Democrats, looks smart in his motorcycle emsemble, complete with buttless chaps.

5. The American Kennel Club Announced acceptance of a new breed today, the Enumclaw Buttplug Spaniel.

Best of jeff
"Bad to the Bone" takes on a whole new meaning.

Best of GOP & College
"Paul Teutel let's his 'stache and beard grow out a *little* too much."

Best of Jonathan
"Yeah, I just voted in St. Louis. What of it?"

Best of prince of leaves
Hiding out in Berlin, a relapsed Mark Foley responded to the Allgemeine Zeitung classified for a "fifteen year old with a Schnauzerbart and full leather" without realizing it was in the "Hund Seeking Hund" column.

Best of Rodney Dill
Barbra Streisand's dog attempt to hide his identity while enroute to his weekly meeting at the local Coprophagia Anonymous chapter.

"Schnauzer? I don't even know her."

Best of Cricket
'Yes, I am Rosie's bitch.'

Best of Submariner
My other car is a greyhound...

Best of attmay
During the disco craze the Village Puppies put the dogs who sing "Jingle Bells" to shame.

Thought For The Day

S the K

Franco? Sonicfrog? Friends of yours?

1. Mark Foley begins his fourth week of rehab.

2. Waikiki Surf Studs in Heat was actually less gay than the show it replaced, Boston Legal.

3. Cheney's Secret Service detail attempts to blend in on a campaign swing through Hawaii.

4. Excessive puns on the word 'lei' may be a violation of Blogger Terms of Service and result in suspension of your account.

5. Enjoy your honeymoon, guys. The grim fact of life is that you still live in New Jersey.

Best of The Man
Doogie Howser MD returns this Wednesday night.

Best of Silhouette
"Mike? Alice threw her back out hula dancing, Greg had a surfing accident, and the boys are missing. And Mr. Phillips keeps calling about the plans. Mike? Mike?"

Best of Anonymous
Sarong, and thanks for all the pineaperre

Monday, November 06, 2006

French Snipers Are So Gay

1. Another indication your gun safety course may not be NRA-Approved.

2. "Don't ask, Don't Tell" may be a bit redundant at this point."

3. "You haven't had much leave lately you, have you Jenkins?"

4. Known for their unconventional combat techniques, kid-glove treatment of captured terrorists, and exceptionally long group showers, the Sully Brigade takes to the field.

5. "Ah think my 'Private Parts' have just been promoted to 'Major Woody.'"

6. "I think in this picture, we actually look as stupid as John Kerry thinks we are."

7. "You pray to Mecca, I'll cover your ass."

8. "Jenkins, can we work through your abandonment issues some other time?"

9. "I'll blow the Hell out of the enemy and you do the same to me."

10. Word of advice, should you ever decide to run for president, make sure there are no pictures of you in a military uniform looking like a complete artard.

Best of jeff
"They're so much easier to shoot when they're rolling on the ground laughing their butts off...."

Best of Kevin Walker
"If the recoil from this rifle doesn't get that gerbil out, then we'll take you to the infirmary, Sully."

Best of Rodney Dill
Know your Enema

Best of Van Helsing
French sniper tactics:"You ate all the gorgonzola? Okay, let her rip. While they're gasping for air, I'll open fire."
Thanks - Timmuh!

No, I'm Not Done With You Yet, Frankenface

1. Kerry, to his horror, realizes he almost touched a peasant.

2. Uh, oh. Someone just sat on Sullivan's wet spot.

3. "And this is the face I make when Tuhrayzuh suggests 'maritals.'"

4. "My fortune reads, 'You're a complete putz and you'll never be president... in bed.'"

5. "So, exactly how much of a pathetic loser do you have to be to finish a night of Chuck-E-Cheese skee-ball with exactly one ticket?"

6. "I realize you're a little bit behind the times, senator, but Cheers was cancelled in 1993. It's much too late to do a 'Massachusetts Politician Cameo.'"

7. "Well, since you told the waiter he was 'too stupid even to serve in the military,' I'm not surprised he blew a loogie into your white wine spritzer."

8. "I just have this weird feeling there's a nerd in a striped shirt staring at me."

9. A typical Democrat, Kerry opts to cut and run before the bill arrives.

10. "Senator, they did warn you that botox injections could cause your face to freeze, did they not?"

Best of sonicfrog
Looks like someone finally had the courage to sit him down and show a video montage of his various gaffes. Finally, he gets it.

Best of Steve B
It was exactly at this time he finally figured out how bad his Bush/Iraq joke really was... albeit two weeks later.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sorry, I didn't mean to offer to pick up the tab."

Best of Adjustah
SHIT! Have I mentioned my Purple Hearts already?!

Best of Van Helsing
Kerry realizes that while he wasn't paying attention, his mouth opened again.

Best of Cricket
I hate it when Tuhrayzuh gives me our 'secret signal.'

Best of prince of leaves
Where will YOU be when your conscience kicks in?

Girl: "Wow, mister! That's a really scary costume, and realistic too! But you know Halloween was a week ago, right?"

"Too...much...quiche...can I...please...have's room keys...NOW???"

Best of Anonymous
"That philly I just ate had Cheeze Whiz and not Swiss on it? Quelle horreur!!!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Jesus Christ, I just realized I accidentally voted for myself!"

Best of cricket
My stupid comments are seared, seared into my memory.

Best of Rodney Dill
"...and now at our new Karoake night, we have John Kerry singing Feelings."

Best of curly
"Here's my impression of Teresa when she found out that we had to fly coach one time back in '04."

Best of David Simon
Senator Kerry tries to squeeze off a SBD, but ends up with a greasy rim instead.
Source: New York Magazine

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Vibrant Autumn Cana

1. "Habitat for Humanity? No, we just share a construction worker fetish. Boober, shove that power drill up my ass."

2. "OK, so Rick couldn't chug a forty and walk across a roof joist. I owe you a Coke."

3. "Yeah, well they gave one to Arafat, too, so you can shove your Nobel Peace Prize up your stupid grinning, peanut-farming, terrorist-hugging, America-bashing ass."

4. Patrick Kennedy adds a liquor cabinet to his Rhode Island home.

5. All work at Habitat for Humanity stops when Jimmy Carter takes off his shirt and drinks a diet Coke - ORA

6. Arkansas --- 1990 "I tell ya, this Whitewater Thing is a gold mine, we'll be richer than... hold on, turn away from the river. It looks like Hillbitch is dumping another lesbo hooker with a big mouth, and you know what happens to witnesses."

7. "OK, so you can't play mumblety-peg with a nail-gun. I owe you a Coke."

8. "Harold Ford... Call Me?"

Best of prince of leaves
John was so startled by the flash of the camera that it made his finger twitch involuntarily. He would spend the rest of his days as Joan, the manliest transsexual lesbian residential contractor in the tri-state area.

"Don't worry boss...we'll have that old 'Welcome to Times Beach' sign down there hauled away before any prospective buyers come to visit."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yeah, we like big decks, what of it?"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
Well, thanks for joining us! We'll see you next week on another episode of This Old Lazy Good-For-Nothing Son of Mine is Never Going to Finish This Project

Best of Submariner
Even as an adult, Scott always tried to give a little bit extra - take this deer blind for example...
Trust me; once we finish this scaffolding Sadam will swing just fine and the entire crowd'll be able to see him do so!

Best of Anonymous
In Mosul, Iraq, Mohammed the Sunni and Achmed the Shiite put aside their differences in an attempt to cooperate and build a non-denominational school, where children could be free to... hahahahaha, I tried, but I cannot even complete this sentence because I am laughing so hard.

Best of curly
"We're just waiting for the illegal aliens to show up to do the work we don't want to do."

"Sure, I know what plumb means. Why don't you shove a plumb up your ass and invite your fag friends over for a fruit salad, you scrawny twink."

Friday, November 03, 2006

Ronaldo and His Mighty ManPurse

1. They said I was too pretty for Thursday.

2. "Oh, yeah, Sullivan? Well, how about I shove this man-purse right up your ass? What do you mean 'okee-dokee?'"

3. "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright..."

4. And then, Franco IBC woke up... and cried for three days.

5. "Do you think the guy behind me will notice I snatched his toupee?"

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel

Mike Stark... the parents-basement-dwelling, Hot-Pocket-swilling Kostard who disrupted a George Allen campaign event earlier this week. Politics really is Hollywood for ugly people.

1. "Now is the time on Shprockets vhen ve dance."

2. "Let me in, or I'll touch you with my baby-soft hands and doughy belly section."

3. Folk wisdom: When a whiny lib pushes his way through the kitchen door, odds are he's not gonna offer to help with the dishes.

4. "Outta my way, Fascist! I have to nuke some Velveeta and Doritos in your microwave."

5. "Outta my way, Fascist! The 'Squiggy' look-alike contest is about to start."

6. "Copping a feel as I force my pasty soft body through doorways occupied by other people is the closest thing I get to intimate human contact."

7. "Did someone say 'Free Desserts!"

8. "Hey! There are no free aluminum foil reflector beanies in here. Damn you Karl Rove!"

Best of jeff
"I gotta get out of here before I start thinking rationally!"

Best of andthenblammo!
"Boss! Change the sign from "All you can eat" to "All a normal human can eat" and we won't have this problem again!"

Best of Submariner
Now that you mention it; yes, your boobs ARE bigger'n Cindy Sheehan's...

What happens in the Avalon Manor coat closet, SHOULD stay in the Avalon Manor coat closet...

I KNOW there's mistletoe hanging there, Mirton, but we're kinda, sorta STUCK here until somebody gives one of us a push...

Best of Queequeg
Statistically, I guess it was bound to happen - a pot luck where every single family brought a dish of beans...

Best of sonicfrog
What's this?? Fraternal siamese twins???

Best of Straight8
We have to wait 'til we cross the border in to Massachusetts.

Whoa! Did you get a whif of the armpit funk on that dude back there?

Best of Frank IBC
After rubbing each others' doughy bellies together for a few minutes, foreplay would proceed to the next stage - fondling each others' hairy man-boobs.

Best of Rodney Dill


Hat Tip: Right Wing Conspirator

Thursday Just Barely Safe For Work

1. "Polishing the woodwork at the Clinton Foundation" can be a metaphor for a lot of things.

2. "And now you take me from behind with a strap-on? Really, Senator Clinton, you are so predictable."

3. Even though this is a lingerie ad, it still makes me want to buy Lemon Pledge.

4. "Polish your mahogany, Mr. Clinton?"

5. Stormee, the obsessive-compulsive lingerie model, can't tolerate a single smudge on her set.

Best of curly
In order to increase ratings, Hometime Network replaced crusty old contractors with voluptuous lingerie models.

Best of Submariner
What do you mean "The round wooden things are for setting your drinks on?"

"Wanna join me for a good after-dinner cigar?" C'mon Bill, you've GOT to come up with a better line.

Best of The Man
“You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you better have nice boobs.”

Best of Occasional Reader
These "Harold Ford, call me!" ads just keep getting better and better!

Best of jeff
ORA: Doing it on heirloom quality furniture gets her hot...

Best of lawhawk
See through leotard: $45
Classic 19th Century mahogany table: $12,500
Watching the look on your mom's face when you're caught in the act with Little Miss Sunshine: Priceless

Best of What, me worry?
The table must be made of naughty pine.

Best of Submariner
From the looks of things, I'd say she appears to be applying a silicone finish...

Best of What, me worry?
How much wood could a boob job rub if a boob job could rub would?

Best of Cricket
Is this what Kerry meant when he said something about 'stuck on a rack?'

Best of David
The picture Cindy Sheehan takes to the hairdresser. "Give me blonde highlights, so I'll look like THIS"

Best of Jason
'Just Barely Safe For Work?' I'll tell you that what I'm doing isn't

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Lurching to the Internet

1. "Well, Mr Kerry, if you want to got with white text on a black background and a picture of Helen Thomas for your website, that's up to you. But your unique visit count is gonna get creamed."

2. "Really, Mr Kerry? I figured if I didn't study, I'd just end up going on welfare and voting for you guys."

3. "That's just a YouTube viddy, Mr. Kerry. It can't pull your finger."

4. "Oh, yeah, whoever is doing the Andrianna Sullington posts is a real stitch."

5. "OK, now IM Maf54 back and ask him how big his schlong is."

6. "I already told you, you CAN'T be both a Night Elf and a Palladin, Ar-Tard! Damn! are you sure fifty million people voted for you?"

7. "Could you photoshop Bush to make it look like he's eating a turd? The guys at Kos and MoveOn love that kind of thing."

8. "No, no, that's quite clearly Scarlett Johanssen's head photoshopped onto the body of Miss April. Nice beaver shot, though."

9. "I need you to clean out my bookmarks and completely destroy my cache files. And I'll give you a bright, shiny quarter."

10. "Okay, the boobs are about the right size. Let's get the Barbie doll and put the bras on our heads."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"Now just click the box that says you're over 18 and you're in."

Best of Submariner
OK, so if we change that string there, will it make all votes a straight Dem ticket?

Great - we're in! Now hack the will itself - make it leave everything to me and give her one of those "don't resuscitate me under any circumstances" clauses...

Now IM Teddy with "It's so cold here - why don't you visit me? Mary Jo"

Best of The Man
"Come on son, this caption contest has to have an Andrew Sullivan reference."

Best of jeff
"Hey Johnny, can we pull up my grades at Yale and, um, tweak them until they are better than George Bush's?"

Best of curly
"I can see by your computerized test results that you're a total dumbass and would make great cannon fodder for Bushitler's illegal war."

Best of Jonathan
In the background, Chub and Macaca were stifling their laughter as they digitally remastered Kerry's voice to say "I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for Andrew Sullivan's booty!"

Best of GOP & College
I thought Teresa told me that video was in a safe place.

Best of Mr. Right
"Will you look at that picture right there, son? That just goes to prove what I said about the idiots in our armed forces... their spelling and grammar is absolutely atrocious, poor dumb bastards!"

Best of What, me worry?
"Mark Foley's problem was that he text-messaged young boys and left a trail. I however prefer the direct dialogue approach."

Best of curly
"No, you illiterate moron, Heinz 57 is a steak sauce and not a reference to any flip-flopping that I may have done on a particular issue."

Best of Jay Guevara
"See, that's the exact point when I realized my Presidential ambitions had gone into the crapper."