Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloweenie

1. Maureen Dowd's new jacket art.

2. "Of course, President Clinton. I'd be glad to be your secretary of state."

3. OK, I'm gonna choose "Trick"

4. The sad part is, Wal-Mart sells this exact costume to 7-year-olds.

5. The sadder part is, Wal-Mart sells this exact costume to 7-year-old boys.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
If you... How do I put this delicately?... If you get her from behind... What is the ettiquette for moving the tail out of the way? I mean does it go over your shoulder? On her back?... I knew I should have paid more attention during those marathon D&D sessions.

During the big "O", do her wings curl?

Demona always dreaded "Hat Day" at the office.

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan's Hell

Best of lawhawk
The Man's Heaven...

Best of Submariner
Ahem, er, how do I put this delicately? I'm sorry honey, but the other end of that toy isn't supposed to go in your shoe...

Best of prince of leaves
"Honey, how many times have I asked you to knock first before coming into Mommy and Daddy's room?"

Best of Submariner
America - what a country; back in Transylvania when you ran into batgirl, you really ran into a bat girl!

Think I'm demanding as "Demonica, Mistress of the Night?" This is nothing - in my day job I'm an AT&T CSR!"

Bill looked at Monica's new outfit and just knew he was going to experience one of those "erections lasting longer than four hours..."

This? It's nothing - just a little something I picked up on deep discount at Old Navy after Katrina; my buddy Dawn steered me their way!

Demonrat

1. "Come on, now, Ms Pelosi. I know it's hard to find a virgin in the Democratic party, but do you want control of the House or not?"

2. The Boyfriend displays Andrew Sullivan's favorite toy, "The Triple Penetrator."

3. "Yeah, um, I'm just gonna have to possess this couch, yeah. Hey, could you, um, bring me some beer and pizza rolls? Yeah, that'd be great."

4. "Bet I can impale the cat from here!"

5. "I know 'Get thee behind me!' With you, Andrew, it's always the same, costume or no costume."

6. "Satan Man, Satan Man, doin' the things that Satan can. Eternal damnation -- that's his plan -- Powerful Man, Satan Man."

7. October 2004, Mark Foley once again crashes the House Page Halloween party in his 'Horny Devil' costume.

8. "Bet I can gig that frog from here!"

9. Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light, spends another Halloween vegging on the couch watching 'Lost' on TiVo.

10. "Jehovah Witnesses at the door? This should be amusing."

Monday, October 30, 2006

More Really, Really Gay Sculpture



1. Statue of the sixth century Emperor, Androgenous Sullivus, a.k.a., Rectus Insatiablus.

2. Emperor Constantine's circumcision was a critical event in establishing the early church.

3. The Captain Oveur Memorial was one of DC's most visited tourist spots.

4. The "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Memorial

5. So, basically, a gladiator got locked out of his car and was helped out by a naked dude in a fez with a slim jim. Did I guess right?

Best of racerboy
Come, young man, sit in my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up...

Best of divine miss m
Immediately upon seeing this statue, Andrew Sullivan enlists to become an army tailor.

Best of Straight8
Instrvctions? I gotcher instrvctions right here!

Best of sonicfrog
One statue to the other: "Oh, Stop That! You're making me hard!"

Best of Silhouette
"When on leave, to prevent disease, vse a Trojan."

Best of Cybrludite
Nekkid guys and a sharp object? This can't end well...

Best of racerboy
Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing!

Best of Adjustah
You know it's Military Instrvction time when the big hand touches the little hand...

Best of the paperboy
You call that a weapon? THIS... is a weapon!

The long-lost moral lesson from the ancient world is that using your genitals to hurt others is a crime punishable by... you got it! sawing off the offending organ yourself!

Best of Jonathan
Jim Webb couldn't help but wonder where the Cambodian boy was.

Best of Submariner
Pardon me, folks, whilst I whips this out...

ORA: "Alone at last. Come on, Goddard, let's break out the cookie dough and watch gladiator movies."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Er... mind if I touch your Gladius?"


Hat Tip: Sean Gleeson

The James Webb Memorial



1. The Boy Scouts and the Way they would be if the ACLU had its way.

2. "I'll take dreams Barney Frank has had... memorialized in bronze... for $600, Alex."

3. "Naked Pedophile Stalking Boy Scout" --- Your NEA tax dollars at work.

4. Many in Berkeley felt the statue, depicting a boy scout carrying the oversize dildo of an effete muscleman, was too conservative for community standards, and demanded the boy be naked or in fishnets.

5. Visitors to the Gerry Studds Marine Sanctuary (Provincetown, MA) are greeted by a statue depicting all of the congressman's major fetishes, including musclemen, drag queens, boy scouts, and a doberman pinscher whose hindquarters are just visible.

6. In 2010, President Hillary Clinton ordered the Iwo Jima Memorial replaced with something more "inclusive and multi-cultural."

7. "Fire Island Family Picnic" was one of Mapplethorpe's few sculpture pieces.

8. Under the ACLU-revised Scout Manual, merit badges can be earned for body-sculpting, cross-dressing, and gerbiling.

9. Appropriately enough, this sculpture graces the front of Myspace.com's world headquarters.

10. A 12" replica of this fine sculpture may be found in the museum's gift shop and Andrew Sullivan's rectal cavity.

Hat Tip: Sean Gleeson

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Too obvious?

1. "Elizabeth Jane Sullivan! You eat your weiners in a ladylike manner! Don't just wolf them down in a single bite like your brother Andrew."

2. "Eating lots of weiners will help you grow up to be a big girl. Maybe you'll work in the White House someday." A course in life is set for young Monica Lewinsky.

3. Andrew Sullivan's Google Search for 'weiners and tight buns' goes awry.

4. Two seconds later, the infidels were pounced on by the jihadi in the off-the-shoulder burqa for violating Ramadan.

5. "There! You're fed. That should keep the gawdamm social services people off our ass for a couple of days."

6. "Stop your whining and eat. Amputated fingers are good for you."

7. "Mom! Check out Wee-Man dressed as Flavor Flav back there. I think we're gonna be on Jackass"

8. "Yeah, ma, I know it's mostly rat intestines, but it still beats tofu dogs."

Friday, October 27, 2006

San Francisco Style

1. "I don't know, Jen, I just have this weird feeling there's somebody else."

2. "To get us all in the mood for our three-way, let's read the hot parts of a James Webb novel."

3. "Remember when you guys showed up at my door trying to get me to read the Watchtower? It's much more fun being in a Wiccan coven, isn't it?"

4. "If all three of us make out at once, the cop will be too distracted to notice the primo weed in our satchels."

5. Dating is a real challenge for Siamese twins joined at the armpits.

Hat tip: Timmeh!

Despite all my rage...

1. Look at those cat's expressions! The last time I saw something like this was when Mark Foley, Jim Kolbe, and Barney Frank visited that Cub Scout camp.

2. Lemmiewinks is transferred to Gitmo under heavy guard.

3. Never let them see ya sweat!

4. We've wired the cage to the wall outlet. Let's see what happens.

5. At the climax of his passions, The Boyfriend was instructed to release the mouse from its cage, so that its shrieks of terror and the scent of fresh blood would synchronize with Andrew's orgasm.

Hit Tip: Timmeh!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

No Caption, Just This


Pete's Corner

Spider skank! Spider skank!

1. A blond attempts auto-erotic asphyxiation.

2. "Oh, yes, Ms. Pelosi. Use the whip. Make me feel like the dirty girl that I am."

3. An intern Senior Analyst at the Clinton Foundation hangs a scary spider-web for Halloween.

4. OK, forget trying to jump-rope. Just stand there and show us your boobs.

5. "OK, Mrs. Clinton, I pulled the brake lining from Bill's car. Is there... anything ... else.. I could... do?"

6. Submariner's 'My-Size Barbie' arrives from Damark.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Amazon Woman in the Mood


1. "One day, on the set of True Lies, I accidentally drank from Arnold's canteen. Later, in a fit of 'roid rage, I shoved a screwdriver through Tom Arnold's groin." --- Jamie Lee Curtis, Memoirs

2. "Prom Date? Why would I bother with such an oppressive, hetero-normative institution. Crush the Patriachy!"

3. "You can forget about changing the oil. I used it to shine up my triceps."

4. 'Enormous Terrifying Womanoid' doesn't fit on a vanity plate? Not even one of those long, gay European ones?"

5. "That thing got a hemi?"

6. Andrew Sullivan's Google Image search for something butch and muscular in fishnet panty-hose scores a near-miss.

H/T: Racerboy

What happens when you cross a video game addiction with a serious fear

1. "Jack Bauer, there's someone to see you. Something about settling a bet about who could kick whose ass?"

2. "Time magazine embedded with the Covenant? Why am I not surprised. "*

3. The Divine Miss M finally finds the right outfit for taking Cujo to the vet.

4. Dr. Ricky, Nerd Psychiatrist, hits the jackpot.

5. The House's new 'Foley-Resistant' page uniforms undergo their thrial run.

6. Andrew hopes the outfit will distract his proctologist from asking how the pug and the wedding dress got lodged in his rectum.

7. The Ultimate Mind-Ray Protection Suit! Protect yourself and your precious bodily fluids from Rovian Mind Control Satellites! Only $15,000 at the DailyKos Store!

8. "A bit extreme, but it does keep me from biting my nails."

* I've just lost everyone who isn't an XBOX nerd.

Hat Tip: TIMMEH!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Third Dog In a Row

1. If you think this is bad, wait till you see what Ang Lee did to J and K in Men in Brokeblack.

2. Somebody's shoes are so crapped on tonight!

3. "Dear Sully, I have left for Provincetown with Barney Frank's Pug. He loves me even though you had me neutered. Don't look for us. Signed... The Boyfriend."

4. "White? Oh, I don't think so, Girlfriend." --- The Beagle.

5. "And now, my pretty, let's just take that dress off and put you someplace warm and dark and stinky" --- Richard Gere

Same bat-place, same bat-tip

Botox Bolshevik with a Whip


1. Nancy Pelosi shows off an example from her prized Mapplethorpe Memorabilia collection.

2. Foley got fired just for IMing his pages. There is definitely a double-standard.

3. One of the things Pelosi can look forward to as Speaker: not having to hold back Kennedy from an open bar.

4. If I were from San Francisco, this picture would be considered Hometown Americana. But then, so would the Mapplethorpe photo.

5. "A monogrammed whip, Mr. Sullivan? That's so nouveau riche of you."

6. "Good! Good! Now stick the Crown of Thorns on His head and let me have at him!"

7. "You've been a naughty, bad, senator Mrs. Clinton. Do you know what we do to naughty, bad Senators?"

8. "Now, Senator Byrd, if you promise to stop whipping Senator Obama for looking at white women, I'll give you your whip back."

9. "Have fun at your NAMBLA retreat, Congressman Frank. Don't forget this!"

10. "In my hometown, this little gadget is known as the 'Embarcadero Wife Tamer.'"

H/T Frank IBC @ (once again) Discarded Lies.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Number LXIII in the "Antagonize Dawn" Series


1. I don't know whether lead off with the obvious bestiality joke or the obvious afro-American stereotype joke.

2. When Sully became erotically fascinated with a Barack Obama presidency, the beagle got the worst of it.

3. "I have no idea what you're talking about... so here's a dog with a merkin on its head."

4. Dogs Acting Out the Great Police Dramas of the Seventies Presents 'Huggy Bear' from Starsky & Hutch

5. Jealous of the new brat, Madonna's dog makes an all-out play for attention.

6. The Westminister Dog Show after the AKC implements affirmative action quotas.

7. 'My Name Is Earl' presents a beloved new character, Crab-dog.

8. We've secretly replaced the water in Rex's 'Gravy Train' with pure malt liquor...

9. The offspring of Macy Gray and Snoop Dogg.

10. ORA This year's theme at the Westminster Dog Show: Patrick Swayze movies.

From, Der Beagle, on a tip from Throbbing Robert @ House of Discount Lies.

Aisle of Ewe

1. Advocate Ad: "Enjoy Scenic Enumclaw."

2. Andrew Sullivan receives a 'Birthday Bouquet' from Glenn Greenwad.

3. Baby Got B-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-c-k.

4. If this is often what you wake up to on Sunday morning, you may have a drinking problem.

5. When asked why she had 87 sheep in her modest, suburban ranch home, 84 year old Irma Frilby responded, "I just don't like cats."

6. "Well, the one on the left reminds me of Barney Frank. The next one looks like John Travolta. The big one with sh*t all over it reminds me of Glenn Greenwald. And the really high tight one three from the end looks like Tom Cruise. " Andrews Sullivan reminisces.

7. Big deal. A bunch of ugly Muslims in leg warmers praying toward Mecca. Been there. Done that.

8. Mephisto considered his attempt to clone a six-assed sheep a major failure, but Big Gay Al was thrilled.

9. The offensive line of the Washington Redskins takes the field.

10. Richard Gere was unimpressed. "What have you got for a bottom-boi?"

HT: Evariste at Lies, Discarded and Imagethief

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I Hope Someday We Can Be Thursday Babes!

1. "Look Mom. No STDs!"

2. "Look, we all got letters from our Prison Pen Pals!"

3. "Big deal, Jon-Benet. We all got a hot, steaming letter from that new teacher, Mr. Karr."

4. "Mr. Strickland, we heard you were a Democrat and so we all got restraining orders."

5. "We'll let you in on a little secret, Janet. In Mr. Strickland's class, a paper in the genre 'Dear Penthouse, I didn't believe your stories were true until...' is an automatic A+"

6. "Aw, come on Janey. All the other kids signed JD's Suicide pact."

7. "Lynx! Lamb! Over here! Autograph our manifesto!"

8. "I can't believe none of us scored above 11 on the Purity Test."

9. "Here's a list of our demands. We throw out the body of the first hostage in 30 minutes. Do you understand, Mr. Bauer?"

10. "Here's our assignments, Mr. Strickland. Now, what does logging our bowel movements for a month have to do with Math?"

Cana

Meanwhile, Back in the Heartland

1. ORA "And when this gets done, I'll be known as Arthur 'Three Sheds' Jackson."

2. Another ORA The Hallmark Channel presents an updated version of "Cask of Amontillado," sponsored by Home Depot.

3. "Anyway, the rest of the Habitat for Humanity crew got fed up with Mr. Nobel Laureate's 'Holier-Than-F*cking-Thou' attitude and buried him under a cement slab."

4. "Sorry, Ms. Pelosi. But everytime people see your botoxed mug on TV, we lose 2 percent in the polls, so Howard Dean said you had to be tied up in a shed until after election day."

5. "OK, torture shed's almost ready. Let's go pick us up some hitch-hikers."

Cana.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Great, Now I'll Have Bigfoot Nightmares All Weekend


1. What happens when Robin Williams stops using depilatories.

2. "Andrew, buddy, I know the testosterone helps with the side effects of HIV infection, but..."

3. Continuing our series "People Who Will Probably Never Be Asked to Host The View."

4. The Gillette rep frowned. "All right, for you, we'll go to eight blades."

5. Result of Andrew Sullivan mistakenly mating with a female bonobo.

HT: Subby, who wishes to alert Prough that his prom date is here.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Still not as Flaming as Barney Frank...


1. "Hap-py Birthday, Helen Thomas..."

2. "Hi, I'm John McCain. Hemmorhoids can feel like 10,000 gooks shoving flaming punjee sticks up your ass. That's why I use Preparation H."

3. Delegates to the 2008 Democratic National Convention gather for the traditional lighting of the American flag.

4. Gay Pride in Tokyo... highly regimented, but still flaming.

5. Jealous of the get well gift bestowed by Chavez, Lil Kim honors Fidel Castro with his "100,000 Flaming Dildoes" Parade.

Best of Silhouette
"Freeeee Biiiiird!"

Best of lawhawk
So, when's Aerosmith taking the stage?

Best of Curly
Is it '1,000 Points of Light', or 'It Takes a Village'...I always become metaphor challanged around election time.

Best of sonicfrog
Republicans have one final trick up their sleeve to keep Nancy Pelosi from becoming House Majority Leader, "There's the witch! Burn Her!!!!"

Best of Cricket
All the Harry Potter geeks turned out en masse for the candlelight vigil for Dumbledore.

Best of jeff
Kim Jong Il:"No, you fools! I said torch songs I'd really like to hear some torch songs!"

Best of Straight8
Now we have nucrear power, can finally sleep nights.

HT: Knowledge Brings Fear

Falling With Grace


1. Pretty, yes, but fighting with her own reflection in a mirror doesn't suggest a lot of brainage.

2. ORA*: "Dey is no escaping us Ohgahmo." "Prepare a me so doom."

3. "Now, where is that boy with my vegetable oil?"

4. Well, I did ask for two good reasons to keep watching Battlestar Galactica.

5. Suddenly, I want all the Doublemint gum in the world.

6. "Grace, I don't think that song 'I Touch Myself' means what you apparently think it means."

7. Pro-Cloning Advocates in Missouri release their most effective TV Ad yet.

8. Suddenly and without warning, Sonicfrog is cured of the gay.

9. "I save my bathwater. Some guy named Submariner pays me $500 a bottle for it."

10. Desperate to reverse Katie Couric's ratings crash, CBS hires Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa.

Best of The Man
I'm not sure if there are any openings at the Clinton Foundation but I could think of a few positions that might interest you.

Best of Anonymous
A thong and bikini bottoms. Talk about overkill.

Best of Jonathan
Nice. Making fun of hot twin Asian lesbians in lingerie. Read their story. Educate yourselves. Morons

Best of Jonathan H
I for one welcome our new Cylon overlords.

Where does one sign up to be the father of another half human, half Cylon baby?

Best of lawhawk
Damn, that weggie can't be good for her long term health. Lemme help fix that!

She's Cylon? Resistance is futile (aw heck, Cylon, Borg? Who cares if they look like that!)

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Battlestar announcer at the beginning of each episode: "There are many copies."
SOTG: "Yippee!"

Best of Curly
Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me why I give blue balls.

This is one page that never had to worry about text messages from Mark Foley.

Narcissism is only a psychosis if you’re ugly, which I’m not...So bug off!

I’m wearing black because I’m in mourning over America’s loss of common sense when it comes to choosing it’s political class on something as obtuse as a scandal involving a closeted queer congressman versus broken boarders, Islamofacism and the killing of the unborn. Also, black makes me looks sexy as hell.

Best of the paperboy
The Erotic Adventures of Alice Through The Looking Glass.

How can you be so beautiful... yet so cold... and hard?

Best of jeff
Boomer? Damn near killed her!


* Obscure Reference Alert

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Mad About The Plaid


1. I always knew Andrew Sullivan was a big fan of eighties music. He just wandered out of that guy's dressing room humming, 'Riding on the Metro-o-o-o-o.'

2. Think of this as a sorbet, to cleanse the palate before the Thursday ultra-babe.

3. Metro Joe LaBatrie, the greatest used car salesman in all New Orleans.

4. While some fans were outraged at the latest CGI tweaks to Star Wars Episode Four: A New Hope, George Lucas claimed he had always pictured Obi-Wan as an effete metrosexual.

5. "Is Mack Daddy going to have to slap a bitch... and ruin his manicure?"

6. Frank 'Herb Tarlek' Bonner signs autographs at the New Orleans 'WKRPFest.'

7. Ten years later, Mark Foley gets a makeover, re-invents himself as a Massachusetts Democrat, and goes on to serve ten terms in Gerry Studds old district.

8. If you changed every word in the dictionary to "gay," and read the whole thing out loud in a port-o-potty at a George Michael concert, that'd come pretty close to describing that outfit.

9. Other reasons the live action version of Year Without a Santa Claus is a bad idea: This is Mr. Heat Miser.

10. "First that Sullivan chap promised me a 'pearl necklace.' Then, he just shot a dribble of clue-goo on my neck and gave me these cheap beads, the bastard!"

Screw it, I'm just going to hand all the Best ofs to andthenblammo!
I knew I was going to be disappointed with the new James Bond!

I'm sorry to have to say it, but Austin Powers has not aged very well, has he, baby?

"What do you mean they wrote me out of the new Batman movie?? I thought 'Mr. Swishy' was just the scariest film villain ever!

"So be sure to join me, Patou, and the entire cast of 'Fantasy Fire Island', this fall, on Lifetime!"

This time, the stylists at Queer Eye For The Straight Guy have definitely gone too far. On the other hand, Mrs. Claus was said to have liked her hubby's new look.

"I don't understand your confusion; what did you expect a funeral director in Provincetown to look like?

What the Devil looks like in Mr. Blackwell's private Hell.

Dusty Hill figured what the hell, after 36 years in ZZ Top, he owed himself a whole new look. The reaction of the rest of the band, however, could best be described as 'mixed'.

Duncan 'Mr Bruce' Bruce surveyed the wreckage with satisfaction. The townspeople had laughed when Duncan and his cycle gang, the 'Hell's Hairdressers' had rode into town. They asked for it, and they got it. They were going to spend weeks washing the mousse out of their hair, and some of the victims of the crueler makeovers were never going to be the same. Next stop: Compton.

H/T: DM2
Source: SIO

Madonna and Chile


1. "Good teeth, healthy color. You up for some work in my cotton fields, boy?"

2. "Wazzhou talkin ' 'bout, skankbucket?"

3. "... And if the Pistons win the Championship, you and mommy can loot Old Navy together."

4. "... And Michael Jackson has volunteered to babysit you for free!"

5. "Swing loooow, sweet chari-ah-ot..."

Best of jeff
I like this one... nice and tender. Get the oven going.

Best of The Man
Enough looking cute! I am taking this one, the rest of you pull my plane onto the runway.

Best of David Simon
"Yecch. Now I'm gonna have to be deloused and decrabbed."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Yes, little Obama, in America anyone can grow up to be president! Now go give your new press agent a big hug!"

"Goodbye, Kwame my friend, and when I see you pictured in a coffeetable book years from now, naked, wearing a leather harness and glazed with Wesson oil, I'll be able to say I knew you when. Except I won't admit to it."

Best of Chrees
Madonna shopping for the latest in trendy celebrity accessories.

Best of Anonymous
"You know, now I'm kinda glad the pound was closed today. Otherwise I'd have just gotten a dog."

Best of Submariner
And when I've milked you for every last drop of publicity, you can apprentice yourself to the doorman at Avalon Manor to learn a trade...

Best of Cricket
"Not much in the way of extra flesh, but the full moon is coming and I can't be too picky."


Photo: Ass Press/Shavawn Rissman/Excite News

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Too Early For Hallowe'en?

1. Larry Bud Melman comes out of retirement and the closet.

2. February 2009, Hillary's Choice for Attorney General goes to her confirmation hearing.

3. The only silver lining was 1.) Stewart was wearing white shoes to her sentencing and 2.) Serial Mom was in the courtroom.

4. "Next, I'm suing to stop people from referring to the ambient temperature in terms of my tits."

5. Next stop, Conjugal Visit with Abdul Rahman.

Best of The Man
BUUUDDD

Best of Adjustah
Holy fuck?! What happened to Roger Ebert?!

Best of evariste
Kellogg's introduces the redesigned Dig'Em Frog mascot for Honey Smacks cereal.

Her prison nickname is Venus Flytrap.

Michael Moore spotted in drag...after breast reduction surgery.

It was a terrible let-down when Charlie Brown finally met the Great Pumpkin.

Best of Curly
"Rosie O'Donnell is such a effeminate, girlish sweetie. I hope my jail bunkmate is just like her!"

"My uterus; nobody cares."

"I cozy up to blind terrorist jihadist because no one else will sit in the same room with me."

Best of sonicfrog
OH MY GOD! John Denver! He's Alive!!!!!

Best of Cybrludite
'Bigger'n a barn... all made o' squirmin' ropes... hull thing sort o' shaped like a hen's egg bigger'n anything with dozens o' legs like hogs-heads that haff shut up when they step... nothin' solid abaout it - all like jelly, an' made o' sep'rit wrigglin' ropes pushed clost together... great bulgin' eyes all over it... ten or twenty maouths or trunks a-stickin' aout all along the sides, big as stove-pipes an all a-tossin' an openin' an' shuttin'... all grey, with kinder blue or purple rings... an' Gawd it Heaven - that haff face on top...'

Best of Anonymous
The most disgusting thing about the picture is that if you rotate it 90 degrees, you would have a pretty reasonable facsimile of her gaping hole.

(PA announcer with reverb): "Now leading off for the 72 Virgins..."

Best of Van Helsing
An unsuspecting horsefly sails straight into its doom.

Best of the paperboy
Ready for my daily government ration of 3000 calories worth of cheese and butter!

Smithers, who is that gastropod?

Best of champaignken
Fat, loud and stupid is no way to go through life (with apologies to Dean Wormer).

Best of attmay
Ouch! Mr. Bundy, those shoes don't fit! This is the last time I shop at Gary's.

Best of Rodney Dill
ribbett!!

Borrowed From: SondraK

Ramalamadingdongadan


1. President Bush met with Senator Dick Durbin today...

2. "No cherry Jell-O and whipped cream dessert for me, thanks. I'm, um, full."

3. Bush just hopes he's staring at the female body-builders and not the boy with the cooking oil.

4. "So, did you come to preach terror on a State Department E-Z Visa, or did you just walk across our undefended southern border? Either way, welcome. Welfare office is over there."

5. "Ah, another dupe willing to take the fall for the 9-11 plot I masterminded. Ex-cellent"

6. "Come on up to the Karaoke mike. We've got Slipknot's 'People = Sh*t' all cued up for you."

7. At a White House Ramadan ceremony, an imam toasted the birth of the 300 millionth American dhimmi.

8. "And the next Bachelor at our Bachelor Auction enjoys plotting global jihad and performing clitorectomies. Let's give a big infidel welcome to Imam Talal Eid."

9. "By the way, the NSA said to tell you, your dry cleaning is ready."

10. "It was just a security measure and we're all very sorry to have offended you. The Secret Service will return your bomb belt after the meeting."

Best of Capt. Queeg
"It's been like that for over four hours now, Talal?...Lemme get you to the ER..."

Best of jeff
"Cheney was more impressive."

Best of sonicfrog
Pissing on the shoes of dignataries is kinda an odd custom, but I won't judge ya. 'Cause I'm a decider, not a judger-er. So do you use the toilet paper wrapped around your fez to clean things up?

Best of Jonathan
"I'm sorry, Ibrahaim! Someone should have told you to avoid Toomer's Corner after Auburn football games!"

Best of Curly
"No Your Holiness, I don't think Laura's interested in a clitorectomy, but thanks for asking."

"No Your Holiness, I don’t perceive Islam as a misogynistic, myopic, homophobic, anti-Semitic, racist, suicidal death cult for big-nosed losers, but thanks for asking.”

“Judging from the amount of Charmin on your fez, you must be a Shi’ite.”

Best of Van Helsing
"That's all right, lot's of people have... accidents. But of course you'll have to clean it up."

Best of the paperboy
So, if I pull that finger down there does this thing up here pop up or something?

Photo: Ass Press /Gerald Herbert/Excite News

Monday, October 16, 2006

Da Bulls

1. "In our case, the phrase 'Erotic Bullfight' would be juste.

2. "No, I'm not a body builder, I just have a wicked latex allergy."

3. "No one will ever pound the crap out of us again, huh, Leona?"

4. "And if we can get Rosie to buy out the site, all future Thursdays will be ours!"

5. "Rolling your own tampons, I see. I like you old-fashioned girls."

6. "I was completely normal until I was molested by an old lady at the Antique Village."

7. "SOTG and Sub? The two dykes that beat up your prom dates are here."

8. Hillary's Secret Service detail relaxes while rehasing the last episode of 'The L Word.'

9. "Robert Jensen says masculinity is an obsolete concept. Let's kick his sorry faggot ass."

10. "Your face or mine?"

Best of sonicfrog
Yeah I know it sounds gross, but drinking Barry Bonds urine has done wonders for me. I doubled my muscle mass in three weeks.

Best of lawhawk
The next pretzel necked geek that makes fun of my physique will be turned into a pretzel who will no longer have the capacity to eat solid food. Capiche?!

Best of divine miss m
The finalists of the prison guard beauty contest could best be described as "handsome."

Best of champaignken
I'm not sure if this flax seed oil is working right. My back is covered in acne, my voice is lower than Isaac Hayes and my clitorus is bigger than a banana.

Ellen or Rosie?

Do you like gladiator movies?

Best of Curly
“Do the sex-change hormone shots I’m taking make my pecs look big?”

Best of Anonymous
... and I'm teaching myself to pee standing up.

Best of the paperboy
"What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the girlie-men!"

Do they test women for testosterone? 'Cause I've had a permanent erection for the last six weeks!

Source: Knowledge Brings Fear

Too Easy



1. "Congressman Frank, I'm pretty sure this is NOT one of the normal duties of a House Page."

2. "And now, let me demonstrate how I made Florence 'Wessonality' Henderson my personal biyatch."

3. "I don't have a drinking problem. I can quit any time I want."

4. "Mom, I'm going to be in the bathroom for the next, oh, two or three hours."

5. "Yeah, I now save all my urine. That Sullivan guy pays me $50 a bottle for it."

6. "Hey! I'm just trying to make some french fries here. You people are sick. Sick! Sick! Sick!"

7. "That creepy pervert Gerry Studds is dead? Dude, I'm gonna celebrate by frying up the biggest batch of chicken you ever saw!"

8. Ang Lee remakes Ferris Bueller's Day Off. This time, instead of the road trip to Chicago, Ferris and Cameron stay home and give each other hot oil massages.

9. "OK, we got the cooking oil, styrofoam cups, and Windex. Now, according to the Anarchist cookbook, all we need are some mothballs and Bam! No school tomorrow."

10. "So, dad, I'm still the will, right? Cool, let me whip you up some deep-fried pork chops."

Saturday, October 14, 2006

WNBA Hazing Scandal


1. "Clean them with your tongue, worm. Or, you will never be worthy to wear birkenstocks and flannel lumberjack shirts."

2. "You want to crush my head between your thighs like an over-ripe melon? Okeedokie."

3. "That's right, I'm such an uber-bulldyke one whiff of my queef will synchronize our menstrual cycles."

4. A quick glance up 'Pat's' shorts and Debbie knew someone was playing for the wrong team.

5. A young Madeleine Albright receives a knock to the head, and a sudden revelation on how to solve all the world's problems.

Yes, it was in Americana

When Thursday Babes Get Old, They Become Saturday Hags


1. "You lipsticks can go screw yourselves. In my day, real dykes wore flannel."

2. "You should see me in skintight houndstooth."

3. "You kids get out of my yard. And Congressman Foley, pull your pants up."

4. "You idiots! It was supposed to be 'Afrique Village.' Now, where are my freaky homeboys going to throw down with their bitches and hos?"

5. "Great cover for an abortion mill, eh?"

Americana

Friday, October 13, 2006

Yoo Hoo, Dawn


1. "No, we don't cater to corporal punishment fetishests. I believe you want 'Redbottom.'"

2. ORA "We have three barbers, but they're all Eddie Murphy."

3. "'Blackbottom No. 1?' That's not a barber shop, that's a personal ad in The Advocate.

4. "Ssssh, Mr. Combs is contemplating another image makeover."

5. "Then, apparently, I said something he couldn't believe, so he grabbed me by my nappy-ass weave..."

Brandy Baker, Detroit News Photoblog

Thursday, October 12, 2006

World's Easiest Gynecological Exam

1. Way to go, Mel Gibson. You just ran down Madonna. I forgive your anti-semitism now.

2. Anybody mind if I just throw pencils all day and watch her pick them up?

3. Good to see Submariner's daughter putting those years of ballet lessons to good use.

4. "Yo, Kobe... or Hef... either way, I'm open."

5. I like Jiffy Lube's new look.

6. "No, Hillary. We're already two interns over the limit!"

7. So, how long did it take for you to notice the two inspectors from the Ministry for Silly Walks in the background?

8. "Hey, found a quarter!"

Best of Submariner
Y'know V? I was never really an M.C. Escher fan 'til I saw this print...

For his last Halloween, Rock Hudson was reported to have trick-or-treated as Audrey Hepburn.

When you date a Rockette, you never have trouble hailing a cab!

Best of divine miss m
"Okay, boys and girls, when the big foot is on the 12 and the little foot is on the 6, what time is it?"

Best of Curly
Christo's latest controversial "environmental art" renderings included over 1,000 beaver shots placed around New York's Times Square.

This week on QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY: All of the members of the cast become violently ill at “the repulsiveness of it all”.

Best of floranista
Peek-a-boo I see you!

Best of lawhawk
That might even get Mark Foley's attention.

Best of racerboy
ORA - "There's a place in France..."

Best of Anonymous
So, how long did it take for you to notice the two inspectors from the Ministry for Silly Walks in the background? Even longer than it took me to notice the car in the foreground.

Best of prince of leaves
I felt bad that I had no shoes, until I met a woman who was only legs.

...then suddenly, dripping with viscous, acidic saliva, the disgused alien's inner jaws shot out and snapped up the mesmerized salesman before he had a chance to react.

Best of Submariner
Glynnis' last part was a walk on in the Beatles' "Magical Mystery Tour."

Best of Anonymous
Cirque de Solie fills the void left by the banishment of the squeegee window washers in NY. Just doing the jobs Americans don't want to do.

Best of the paperboy
Don't point that thing at me!

Of all the taxidermy displays my grandpa came up with, this was one of the most interesting.

I graduated from the Jim Carrey School Of Acting, and I can do legal disclaimers for auto commercials and lipsynch "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies. Wanna see?

Best of jbinnout
Our motto here at Quicky Lube is "You pop your hood, we'll clean your dip stick."


Source: Hollywood Extra

Huzzah!


1. (Ahem) "You're Still Not Making Eye Contact. I'm Up Here."

2. "I'm pleased to report that the neutering of the elephant was a success."

3. A remake of Weird Science, truly an idea whose time has come.

4. "Now, just give a completely blank expression like there's not a thought in your head. Hey, you're good at this. Ever thought of becoming a network anchor?"

5. "Actually, I'm Chelsea's intern. It's the only way she can get Bill to visit."

6. "Mr. Submariner, your ball came into my yard again. Isn't this game normall played with a net?"

7. ORA "Oh, I'm getting such a raging clue right now."

Best of The Man
HavingHillary Night at Scores! proved a hit with doners, whose donations in dollar bills made it hard to track under the McCain-Feingold laws.

The MLS finally found a way to target the male 18-35 market. Now if they can just get the same group to watch soccer.

Best of Submariner
He scores! He shoots...

Major Deering couldn't understand the strange uniform. But Buck's ideas always provided a fun afternoon, so what the heck?

Best of Steve B
Okay, okay, I won't bring up the another Johnson Space Center caption. But still.....

Best of prince of leaves
Mandy knew her sexy new volleyball outfit would distract the men on the other team, but didn't expect when playing against Sullivan's Spikers that they would demand to know where they could get their own.

Best of the paperboy
Watch this, I just hit her with my patented Mezmo-Gaze, and I have complete control. Just walk up and take the ball away.


HT: Divine Miss M, Polish Lesbian (She likes men)
Source: SI Online

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Oop Ack

1. "Dammit, FedEx. Haven't you people ever heard of airholes?"

2. "Pussy... box... open... there's got to be something there. Think, SOTG, THINK!"

3. "Hey, Hon? On your way to work, could you bury somethin' for me?"

4. Sully's friend's pets have developed the Pavlovian habit of hiding and shielding their anuses whenever he drops by.

5. One of LAX's trained 'sniffer car' encounters Aaron Sorkin's luggage.

6. "Hey, Remember how the cat went missing when we put away the Halloween decorations last year? Well, guess what?"

7. With help from UPS, Toonces finally escapes from the Mary Kay testing lab.

8. "Damn it, Anti-freeze. Why did you have to be so tasty?"

9. The take-out order from Beijing Express was a little undercooked.

10. Enlightened, free speech lefties send a friendly warning to a member of the Minutemen
Best of Son Of The Godfather
When V said he had a picture of a hairy pussy in a hiding space, I thought for sure it was another pic of Saddam's capture.

Kim Jong Il?... Your take-out is ready!

The "Shroedinger's Cat" experiment ends with a predictable result - Nancy Pelosi is still a skanky b*tch.

Best of prince of leaves
What was really in the FedEx box Tom Hanks delivered at the end of "Castaway".

Stephen King later sued the producers of horror flick "Pet Self-Storage" for blatant plagiarism.

Amazon.com's online pet store was somewhat less successful than its other lines of business due.

Best of divine miss m
The kitten Jack Bauer wasn't able to save.

Best of Silhouette
"But Dad, I heard you tell Mom the other night that this is just what you wanted for your birthday."

The Al Gore Pack-N-Send prides itself on using all biodregradeable packing materials.

Children cried. Parents were horrified. Frosted Flakes Cereal's groundbreaking prize campaign did not go over well.

Best of Anonymous
AP - The "Miracle Cat" whose nipples spelled Allah was summarily choked to death and delivered to the local museum.

Best of Submariner
Hillary chuckled cruelly; "Better enjoy it Bill - it's the only one you'll get until after the election in 2008."

I'm not coming out until the Korean kids are gone!

Best of Curly
"Dad, your pit bull food is here."

Best of champaignken
Rosie's Google search for a warm pussy in a tight box proved disappointing.

Best of Rodney Dill
Nermal is off to Abu Dhabi again?

Best of sonicfrog
All we need is a fish taco and we'll have a trifecta!

Best of Steve B
"Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, 'We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane.'"


HT: Divine Miss M.

I hate going to Grandma's House


1. "Ah, Helen Thomas, so glad you could make it. When Ms. Pelosi arrives, we will convene the coven."

2. "Wow, what a creepy Hallowe'en shrunken apple head doll. Oh, wait, that's grandma!"

3. Then, one day, the painting in her upstairs boudoir was destroyed and Cher turned into this.

4. "The realtor said I'd never sell this Gingerbread House. How much are you offering, Mr. Foley?"

5. Joy and Crabman, the later years.

Best of Silhouette
Great, now my hair looks like the guy's in the background.

Best of Straight8
Of course, some other areas of personal hygene have also been neglected for the past 30 years.

Best of racerboy
Gee, thanks, V... You know, there's some slightly-less disturbing ways of reminding us it's not Thursday yet...

Best of Submariner
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Nobody illustrated the old adage better'n Grandma...

Helen smiled; "Once i hook a really good booger, I never use that nail again... Wanna see my toes?"

Sometimes SOTG just pees in an available corner at parties. Looks like he hit an outlet this time...

Best of Silhouette
"Do you like my sweater? I knitted it myself."

Best of the paperboy
George Bush made me sleep for forty years!

Best of prince of leaves
The truth can now be revealed: Howard Hughes faked his death in 1976 and has lived the quiet life of a modestly successful (if eccentric and germophobic) transvestite salon owner in South Beach ever since.

Ten thousand years in the Atlantis hibernation chamber aren't kind, even to an Ancient.

Best of Anonymous
No caption could possibly be as funny as the thought of her wiping her ass.

Best of MI-Matt
Graveyard caretakers discovered formerly deceased TX Gov Ann Richards propped up and unable to sign autographs.

Best of Mr. Right
"And now, Young Skyywalker... you will die!"

INDY: "...And Willie, whatever you do, just make certain you never, ever look directly into the Ark... I suppose I should have mentioned that a little bit sooner, huh?"



H/T: K the P

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Finks


1. "Come on, you bastards. That DC-10 isn't going to tow itself to the terminal"

2. "It's jammed in there pretty good this time, Mr. Sullivan, but we'll get that gerbil out."

3. The combined strength of an army of Chinese muscle-midgets still could not pull Jimmy Carter's head from his ass.

4. Condi Rice gets flossed.

5. "Lance Armstrong won't see this little trap coming until he flips over his handlebars."

6. If the other end of that rope is attached to Mark Foley's balls... I'd say, we have justice.

7. The 2008 Olympics opening ceremonies will feature dissidents launched from catapults by teams of hefty midgets.

8. Before the breakup, Tom Green liked to devise ingenious ways of testing the strength of Drew Barrymore's belly button piercing.

Best of Silhouette
Godzilla's baby tooth had to come out.

Best of andthenblammo!
"Sorry, little guys, slight lanquage misunderstanding; 'rope-a-dope' was a boxing strategy used by Muhammed Ali. I'm sure Mr. Moore will appreciate you're letting go of him now."

This photo shows one of the highly-trained North Korean teams required by the Dear Leaders brilliant design who, by pulling at the exact same instant, cause the two spheres of U-238 to collide, causing a chain reaction.

Best of Silhouette
No avenue for reuniting Taiwan with mainland China was left unexplored.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ok maybe we should try bringing mohammad to the mountain instead."

Best of attmay
I'll get Rosie onto the set of The View if it's the last thing I do!

Best of Submariner
They may not be so hot in phys ed, but you should see how they kick @ss in math!

Best of Silhouette
Jack Bauer versus a billion Chinese may not be a fair fight, but at least use two hands, Jack.

Best of champaignken
A team of Japanese children try to remove Rosie O'Donnell's tampon.

Best of Curly
"Pull! The losing team will be adopted by Rosie O'Donnell!"



H/T:

I love John Howard, But A CapOp is a CapOp

1. "I hope you don't mind if I breast-feed some abos during the press conference."

2. "The thing crapping on my right shoulder? I'm pretty sure its supposed to be an emu. Next question."

3. "As soon as I can get Scotty to beam the infestation to the Klingon ship, they'll be no tribble at all."

4. "What Mr Kangaroo? I should kill them? But Mr Emu says it would be wrong."

5. "On behalf of the government of Australia, welcome to Murkinfest."

Best of Rodney Dill
"No I don't think we're over politicizing the passing of Steve Irwin... Crikey."

Best of Cybrludite
Crikey, some deranged leftist has beaned the PM in the head with a ninja star!

Best of Silhouette
The pageant tiaras sometimes go overboard in their attempt to be "different."

Best of Zeke
Small murmuring began about John Howards increasing messianic dreams, and the "HolyRoo Halo" that surrounded his head each time he spoke.

Best of Frank IBC
Evariste: "I recognize the kangaroo, but what's that other animal?"
Frank IBC: "I think it's the Prime Minister of Australia."

Best of Submariner
Having affixed his tiara, John Howard wowed the White House Press Corps with his rousing renition of "I Feel Pretty."

Yes, Dawn, my vest IS made from the scalps of two NAACP leaders. Why?

Mr. Gregory; while it may be true that your Vice President Cheney IS "a hell of a lay," there's an excellent reason I'm referred to as "The Great White From Down Under" by my home press...

Best of prince of leaves
In a press conference today, John Howard announced he will undergo surgery this month to reduce the size of his hairy manbreasts.

Best of the paperboy
'Ow to speak Austraylian: Nativity Scene

Best of divine miss m
The Aussie Haircare Company needs a better spokesmodel.

Best of Curly
Now that Steve Irwin has passed, the creatures of the wild move on to their next feed.

H/T: Discardedlies

Monday, October 09, 2006

Foreign Object Damage


1. If that engine sucks half as much as last week's 'Battlestar Galactica,' his head is gone.

2. The A380 suffered another setback when George Soros's enormous head got lodged in an engine intake.

3. "Purple tie? Are you perchance part of the 'velvet mafia.'"

4. "There will be a delay before we can take off. One of the munchkins got a hernia."

5. After retiring from politics, Condaleezza Rice became the celebrity spokesperson for Ron Popeil's Super-Strong Toupee glue.

Best of Frank IBC
Picture #113 from my "Nice Hat, Dude" collection.

Best of jeff
"A C-17?" "Yeah - Ever since she got promoted to SecDef, Condi thinks she's Diana Ross."

Best of Submariner
Uh, Condi? Your training bra should be worn INSIDE your suit...

Airman's thought bubble: "Just my luck. A good breezy day and she decides not to wear the storm-trooper coat and thigh highs..."

I don't care who he is - if he sings "Leavin' On a Jet Plane" one more damn time I'm takin' him out with a lug-wrench...

Introducing the USAF's newest "Mile High Club" members...

Best of WALSTIB
Condi now wears her new Idiotarian Deflector vest for all photo-ops with loony lefties.

Best of Silhouette
"That's better. Women just don't look right without an apron. Now go fix me a sandwich."

Best of the paperboy
Is that shit-eatin' grin 'cause there's a giant vacuum around your head, or 'cause you're exchanging long protien strings with Condi Rice?

Best of sonicfrog
The Bushies have turned the clock back so far on civil rights, Condi has to go overseas to even be able to hold a white mans hand

Yes. I got a great deal on this kitchen servant. Won her in a game of poker!

Best of Cybrludite
Sorry about you needing the flack jacket, Condi, but you know how things are here at Columbia University...

HT: Phronque Aye Bee Sea @ Discarded Lies

Careful, I just moppped there

1. "Harok-Ptui!"

2. "Sure, Condi, I'd love some of your gum."

3. "Condi, would you stop doing your Miss Cleo bit on that lady's palm and help me lift Representative Kennedy out of the gutter?"

4. Karaoke Night at the State Department, featuruing 'The Hedgehog Song'*

5. "I hope the Press Corps crops our beer steins out of this picture... even if the resulting product looks awkward."

6. "Umm, this particular optical illusion only works if you and your assistant have the same color sleeves and skin. Nice try, though."

7. "And your arm will stay pinned to the floor with that flagpole until you come up with a workable Mideast Peace Plan." Condi gets tough at the State Department.

8. "And there's a puddle of vomit... and there's one... and there's another. I think that one's urine. Damn, I hate cleaning up after a Kennedy visits the State Department."

9. "I'm sorry, Condi, but impaling her with a flag was the only way to stop your evil white doppelganger from a parallel dimension."

10. "A rival female in your territory? Here, Condi, rip of my arm and beat her with it."

H/T: Phronk@ Discarded Lies

* It's my ORA and I'm sticking with it.

Best of Silhouette
Twister night at the State Department: "Right hand, taupe. Left Foor Beige."

Best of the paperboy
What, Condi's incontinent? Diaper leaked? Can't hold her beer? Has no tits? Poised for a venom sample? I don't get it.

Best of Dusty
Why white folks should restrict themselves to conventional handshakes.

Best of David Simon
"That's right, Susan. Hold Senator Boxer's head up by the hair so Michelle can give her a great big bitch slap."

Best of racerboy
Okay, everybody now... you put your left foot in, you put your left foot out...

Best of Rodney Dill
After they slapped the color right out of Cynthia McKinney (right), it was Condi's turn.

Best of Jonathan
Watching Senator Clinton do the Macarena was enough to send the Israeli press corps scattering.

Best of Cricket
Condi, you know the rules. No gum or tobacco chewing allowed. Give it to me and I will rub it in her hair.

Best of Submariner
Out of frame to the left, Jesse Jackson is up to his usual antics - looking for a handout from the government he detests.

ORA: Hey Cheney - watch me pull a rabit out of her @ss! Nuthin' up my sleeve...

Sorry, Ms. Rice. I was the Veep's fluffer for the briefing and haven't managed to straighten up yet...

Best of Curly
“Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s give a warm welcoming applause to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s left tit.”

The UN seemed to mock Condi's quest for an arms embargo.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Daring to Be Different

1. "Actually, we're here to protest that new South Park episode that insults perfectly normal people like us that spend 107 hours a week playing World of Warcraft."

2. Man, I so wish there really were such a thing as a Hippie Digger.

3. "I've been playing 'Pocket Pool for Peace' since I was thirteen."

4. "Gee, Moonchild, that Gandalf guy sure put up a fight when you stole his hat."

5. "What do you know, Peasblossom. Just by showing up, we reduced the average age of the protesters to 83."

6. Bush lied, Kool-Aid dyed... my hair.




Best of prince of leaves
Cindy Sheehan and Janis Karpinsky attend an anti-war rally, circa 1970.

Best of Buckley F. Williams
You might want to think twice before offending a Level III Warlock. Just saying.

Best of WALSTIB
"Let's commence. With the tossing. Of the rings."-Beldar sowing some wild oats in France before he met Prymaat.

Best of David Simon
"We were going to wear our matching 'I'm with stupid' t-shirts, but we felt it would be silly to point out the obvious."
Isaac Mizrahi thought he had hit rock bottom by signing with K-Mart, but the worst was yet to come.

Best of Rodney Dill
Harry Potter and Hermoine fall on hard times and start to attend Grateful Dead concerts after becoming too old for more of Rowlings movies.

Best of Zeke
Poor blind Vanessa began to loose faith in the "helper geek" program after her's began to speak in only Klingon.

Best of Steve-O
"Okay, so most of the guys are weird, but when I come to these Warcraft conventions, they all think I'm a totally hot babe.

Best of Submariner
Suddenly Saffron decided - "Myron is as spongeworthy as I'm ever likely to get..."

Best of Anonymous
Ok, on the count of three, look intelligent. One, two...

Best of Cybrludite
Kinda cute looking, vapid, looser than the nickle slots in Reno... I do believe we've found one of Prouge's actual ex-girlfriends.

Van Helsing, Mr. Right, and Buckley F. Williams have noted that, based on the people turning out for the Day of Activity, or whatever the hell it was last week, most of these anti-war protestors have been going at it since Lincoln's first term. So, just to be different, I decided to cap some stupid young left-wing idiots, courtesy of El Marco.

P.S. Did last night's Battlestar Galactica season premier blow chunks or what?

Friday, October 06, 2006

Guests of Yearly Kos Receive Souvenir Tinfoil Hats


1. The new House Page uniforms not only discouraged "Roman hands and Russian fingers," but also were convenient for smuggling in "medication" for the Kennedies.

2. Signs you are watching a very low budget sci-fi movie.

3. "The infidels may mock us, but the next time a whale explodes in our vicinity, we'll be laughing."

4. "Sure, shopping, honor-killing, blowing something up. With Tampax, I'm ready for anything!"

5. "Why the headgear on such a sunny day? Well, when American Airlines Flight 99 reaches 30,000 feet, you'll find out."

6. "Yeah, I'm dealing with the Empty Nest too, now that the kids are all blown up."

7. "Girlfriend, let me tell you about Fatima's boobs... phony as Hamas hundred dollar bill. If there were any more plastic on her chest, she could walk into a cafe and kill fifty Zionists."


Best of Silhouette
"When I bite a York Peppermint Patty, I get the cool sensation of sitting in 100 degree heat and sweltering humidity, wearing yards of heavy black cloth over ever inch of my body, BUT being made slightly cooler by the use of a tiny sunshade hat. Ah, refreshing."

Burqa 2006 - Now with OnStar!

Best of Dusty
Looking at the last three pictures, I'll take German Women for $100 Alex.

Best of Kay
The Iranian remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles left something to be desired.

Best of Submariner
Say whatever you want about 'em, but those wahhabbi Muslim's always know how to get the best reception on their TV's for the big games.

I dunno, maybe it's just me but - "Happy Meal" and woman in burqha just seem to be polar opposites...

Best of prince of leaves
The Heliburqa was inventor Hassan Faouaz' answer to the infidel Segway.

Best of evariste
Before attending a live taping of The View, many in the studio audience take advantage of the free protection suits in case Rosie O'Donnell blows out of her spout and sprays them.
Orthodontic headgear becomes more fashionable every year!

Best of the paperboy
We are the 'shrooms who say "Ni!"
Tryouts for the Muslim Flying Nun were cancelled because they kept blowing up.

Best of Brendt
The front row at Gallagher's first Tehran show.

Best of Rodney Dill
"OK Adbul you can practice blowing yourself up now, the blood shields are deployed... (BOOM)... that a good boy."

Best of attmay
Disney remakes Mary Poppins for the growing Muslim demographic.

H/T: Timmeh or Brender, I think. I sort of deleted the email. Sorry. Still friends?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

WTF Indeed


1. Mrs Robert Byrd puts on the gimp suit and prepares for an evening of breath control.

2. It follows the letter of sharia but doesn't quite capture the spirit of the burq'a.

3. This stunning Mourning Gown was created by Suha Arafat from Yassir's leftover headwraps.

4. Even Andrew Sullivan agreed the new Abu Ghraib detainee suits were "120% Fabulous"

5. Cruella De Vil had to genetically engineer 101 extremely symmetrical dalmations for this outfit.

6. Gina's Editorial Page of the New York Times took the prize for scariest costume.

7. After months of brainwashing, Katie wasn't the slightest bit weirded out when Tom introduced her to the Scientology dress code.

8. Far less popular than Oktoberfest is its British cousin Polyesterhoundstoothfest.

Best of jeff
Welcome to Islamic Hooters! I'm so glad you guys are here. Everybody else is lame, but you guys are cool.
Generic sixties Bond and/or Batman villan? We report. You decide!
Best of The Man
No, I don't know a 7 letter word for an type of flightless bird.
Best of Submariner
Andrew was confused - why was "Wee Willie in the Tweed Overcoat" coming out of his thigh at that odd angle?
Cindy Sheehan explains at the return desk, "At first I thought that this would be the style to finally make me look good. But once I forced them on my hips made the print look like those over-sized checker board rugs at Cracker Barrel...
Best of Cybrludite
And now something for those with a Sodoku Puzzle fetish...
Best of Adjustah
Joel Schumacher fucks up another Batman film...
Best of sonicfrog
... and when Bob fell asleep on the couch, the kids always got such kicks out of connecting his freckles with a marks-a-lot....
Best of sonicfrog
Interbreeding between the the Black and White race and the White and Black race on Star Trek caused this mullato abomination that led to the end of their civilization.
Best of the paperboy
... And this little asbestos bunny suit ensemble is perfect for the enterprising Danish cartoonist. Bring on the flames, 'cause she's ready to get hot! Yowwzza!
... With this full-body velcro ensemble, you'll never again lose your purse, umbrella, sunglasses or even your cigarrette!
Best of Dusty
This outfit simply drives the older University of Alabama football fans into a frenzy!

Best of ThatGayConservative
Auntie Mame's chain mail.

Once again, 'Sondra the K'

Die Frauleinen mit den großen Brüsten


  1. And we're going to keep drinking until Hillary looks good.
  2. "Dang, have you ever seen a dude that old crush a dozen beer cans against his forehead? Ted Kennedy rocks!"
  3. Beer! Boobies! Hey, throw in a football game and we have our first officially Sullivan-Free Zone!
  4. "Hey, what do you say we turn in the Von Trapps? That should be good for a laugh or two."
  5. "No, Mr Clinton, we do not wish to play 'Hide the Bratwurst.'"
  6. ORA ♪ ♪ "The sheep is a classic, as well you may find/The llama's all right if he isn't too tall/The donkey's a danger for standing behind/But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all... (Chorus) Roll them all over and turn them around/The hedgehog can never be buggered at all... " ♪
  7. Charlize Theron and Rene Zellweger star in Mel Gibson's Young Hitler, the Beer-Hall Years.
  8. Reasons Mormons don't drink: Because this is what Hillary and Nancy Pelosi look like through beer goggles.
  9. "No, I totally missed out on the moral outrage over Mark Foley's emails. I was passed out on roofies in Patrick Kennedy's condo all weekend with a dog collar on my neck."
  10. This reminds me, I need to pick up some peaches after work. Some nice, firm, round, supple peaches.


Best of Submariner
Andrew Sullivan was intrigued, until he looked up and realized they weren't plumbers...
"Costumes, what costumes? These are the maid uniform Subby issued us..."
Four more great reasons to imprison Muslims who would cover these girls up in burqhas.


Best of racerboy
...and that would be another reason I like German Bier... 4 more reasons, actually...


Best of Silhouette
All the really good bachelorette parties end with at least an invasion of Luxembourg.
Best of the paperboy


Ever since I got that "Titties-n-Beer" email I've had the "Kibbles-n-Bits" jingle stuck in my head with a redneck accent to it. Now it just turned German.


Best of Anonymous
Just goes to show, when it comes to beer, cup size is everything.
After staring at the photo for about five minutes, I came to the astonishing realization that they also have faces!


Best of Cybrludite
Moments later, Olga unhinged her jaw and bit Helga's head clean off.


Best of Steve B
As stated in thier bios, these ladies are also aerospace engineers at the Johnson Space Center.


Best of lawhawk
I know I'm not drunk but then again, I think I see quadruple.


Best of Dusty
No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.


I guess the 'Hedgehog Song' caption is in the running for most obscure reference of all time, huh?
H/T: K the P

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Eat Your Heart Out, John Mark Karr


1. "It's okay, my love. We're leftists. No one will question our forbidden love."

2. "I'd thank heaven for little girls, but of course, I'm an atheist."

3. "Just hold on, Senora Clinton, you'll get your lap dance after I get mine."

4. "Don't feel so bad, Sr. Chavez. It happens to all men sometimes."

5. "Rough anal? I'll have to ask my mom, first."

6. Some Citgo profits are channeled into Public Service spots for NAMGLA.

7. "You just lost your baby teeth? Senorita, I just won la loteria."

8. "The safe word is, 'Imperialist Running Dogs.'"

9. Just then, Sigourney Weaver popped out with a assault rifle, yelling, "Get away from her, you bitch!"

10. St. Joseph's Baby-Roophies.

Best of Rodney Dill
Kid: "I smell sulfur."
Chavez: "It was the dog, I swear."

Best of jeff
"Mommy said I only had to sit here for two minutes and I'll get an Ez-Bake Oven... 39, 38, 37..."

Best of David
Alyssa Milano's career hit a rough patch in between "Who's The Boss?" and all of those lesbian vampire movies.

Best of The Man
Chavez: Little girl, why are you cold and stiff like Castro?
Girl: Well, maybe if you thought about my needs for a change...

I just want to thank you and the other midgets who helped taxi my airplane to the runway.

Andrew Sullivan suddenly felt a jealous rage. Damn that little girl, damn her to hell.

Best of Van Helsing
"I'll MAKE her love me!"

Best of Chrees
The U.N. announced its new "Oil for Tots" program, but Chavez thought the program was meant to be a literal swap.

Best of Dusty
Seems like they're one chair short at the Citgo board meeting.....again.

Best of Cybrludite
"Bad touch! BAD TOUCH!... I didn't say stop."

Best of Cybrludite
Look! It's Torgo & Debbie from "Manos: The Hands Of Fate"!

Best of Steve B
I have finally one-upped a conservative. Whereas he was only able to IMed them, I actually got some.

Best of lawhawk
If you act quickly, not only will I sell you gas at below market rates, but I'll throw in a child slave at no extra cost.

Best of Submariner
Sit here on Santa Hugo's lap and we'll talk about whatever comes up....


H/T: Byron Cherry
Source: FoxNews

This Will Be A Short List


1. The Democrats finally unveil their Airport Security plan.

2. Jetblue finds another way to keep its operating costs among the lowest in the industry.

3. The merger of the Lollipop Guild and the Aircraft Machinists and Aerospace Workers Union was not a great success.

4. ORA "Thank you for flying 'Randy Newman Airlines.'"

5. Midgets who can't find employment in a hiphop star's posse often have to settle for low-wage menial employment.

Best of Submariner
Nothin' to be seein' here folks, just the Lollipop League wheelin' in Mr. Sullivan's 737 Maxi-Pleasure "Personal Massager." Please move along...

While Judy's munchkins had cute names, Babs named hers after her "best parts;"
Floppy, Worn-Out, Fatigued, Weary, Exhausted, Hanging, Limp, Dangling, Sagging, Lifeless, Flaccid, Slack, Baggy…

DRUDGEBREAKING... Mini Kiss and Tiny Kiss decided to settle things once and for all with a petite tug of war...
Developing...

Best of champaignken
Illegal alien midgits doing the work that American midgits won't do.

Best of jeff
"Ooompa Loompa, loompity loo, I've got a jet I'm pulling for yooou."

Best of sonicfrog
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Sleazy, Deafy....

Best of The Man
This photo proves that the neo-con Jews in the white house faked the 9/11 attacks. While the real planes taxied on an runway in Deleware, military planes piloted by robots were flown into the twin towers to lead us into war for oil and a pipeline in afghanistan for which we will end up in iran. Now excuse me while I prove my point that the twin towers were brought down by a controlled demolition using a cinder block and some lighter fluid.

Senator Foley's plane has landed.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It's funny when little folk try to fight the overpowering force of an airplane engine intake manifold.

The announcement that the in-flight meal would contain "shrimp" sent them scrambling from the aircraft.

ORA: Mini-Paul Muad'Dib engages his personal yellow force-field.

Best of Adjustah
"Sorry folks, but we're a little short on fuel...

Your baggage will arrive shortly...

Best of the paperboy
The little people struggle mightily, fighting the gay-force that draws small males into Senator Foley's black hole.

Best of Silhouette
"Mommy, look out the window! All the people look like ants."

Best of Dusty
Tom Cruise ain't pulling his share of the load!

Best of Cricket
Delta's new Iditarod

"Ramses sucks, man. I hate it when he wants to raise a new obelisk."


I don't know where the Hell Timmeh got this.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Silly Mark Foley, did you really think taking down your website would be the end of this picture


1. (Sept 3, 2006) Congressman Mark Foley asks a young supporter if he's ever been in a Turkish prison.

2. "Congressman Foley? I'm not supposed to tell you, but the JV football team intends to tie you to a goalpost and beat you into a mass of bloody pulp and broken teeth."

3. "What do you mean you'd enjoy that?"

4. "Wow! I thought after having John Mark Karr as my kindergarten teacher, and Debra LaFave in sixth grade, not to mention that slumber party at the Neverland Ranch, my life would never be normal again. Thanks for the internship, Congressman Foley!"

5. "Well, Barney Frank already offered me $100K and a Toyota Prius to be towel boy at his place in Provincetown, but if you got a better offer..."

6. "Really, Mr. Foley? You'll pay me a hundred dollars for every jockstrap I can steal from the boys' locker room?"

7. "Wow! I don't even remember entering a 'prettiest boy' contest. Now, where did you say I had to go to collect my prize? A freeway underpass at midnight?"

8. "See my hands? I'm not kidding. My lack of a gag reflex is legendary."

9. "...and so my folks quit their jobs and started a successful mail order candy business. If you'd like to come by after school and help me pack some fudge, I could keep you busy for hours."

10. "Wow, Congressman Foley. Your knowledge of Johnathon Taylor Thomas's acting career is nothing less than encyclopedic."

Best of The Man
No Mr. Foley, you have the concept all wrong. It's dodgeball, you try and avoid the balls.

Maf54: Did u see CaptionThis?
Teen: nice photo
Maf54: Thnx
Teen: I still don't want 2 play dodgeballs wit u.

Best of The Man
A policeman, a congressman, and a little boy? What type of Village People tribute band are you trying to put together?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Uh, my eyes are up here Foley.

"So Mr. Foley, Why do all your cigars taste like shit."

Best of Zeke
Why does the young sheriff freak me out more than the 54 year old guy that likes to pick up teenagers?

Best of the paperboy
Hollywood mixes it up: Terminator 2 vs The Hidden.

Best of Dusty
Kid: I love to read.
Mark: I'm kind of a page turner myself.

Best of Cybrludite
"Think of the children, Congressmen!"
"Um, I'm not allowed to think of the children any more. Court order."

Best of Adjustah
Does anyone else smell vaseline and Propecia

Al Franken Re-Enacts His Birth


1. Planned Parenthood's Annual Anti-Family Carnival, featuring its ever-popular 'Abort Morrissey' game.

2. ORA The original ending to Jeepers Creepers was changed after test audiences didn't get it. (Much like this caption).

3. "A little Valtrex should clear that Al Franken right up, ma'am."

4. A yeast infection can feel like giving birth to Al Franken. Fight back with Femstat 3.

5. Al Franken, Sam Seder, and Jerry Springer avoid job cuts at Air Amerika by hiding inside Janeane Garofalo.

Best of jeff
Around the world, vasectomy and tubal ligation procedures skyrocket.

Best of The Man
...and it was the last time Andrew Sullivan ever saw a woman's hoo-ha ever again

Best of Adjustah
Samwise would never find Frodo here...

Best of divine miss m
Finally, a piece of "art" so disgusting that even the NEA was unwilling to fund it.

Best of WALSTIB
Warning: Objects in your vulva seem larger and uglier than they really are"

"Where will you be when your laxitive kicks in?"

Ever get that 'not so fresh' feeling?

"...and when the lights are off and he takes his teeth out, the guys can hardly tell the difference".

"...ya, my new gynocologist is great. He really gets into his work".

Best of Curly
"I should have strapped a 2 X 4 to my a$$ to keep from falling in."

Thanks to the proliferation of cell phones and the subsequent loss of phonebooths, Clark Kent had to find other places to change.

"Kobe! I'm open!"

Best of Cybrludite
All I'm saying, Father, is next year we should perhaps screen the cut-out picture booth before we open the parish fair.

Best of champaignken
In a new Fall holiday - Beaver Day, if a beaver sees his shadow, there will be 6 more weeks of Indian summer.

Best of Jason
"Can you hear me now?"

Best of the paperboy
After Frodo and Galadriel leave, Samwise gazes into the mirror and sees not the future of the Shire, but the moment of his birth.

Best of Adjustah
"This is not what they meant in medical school about getting in 18 holes a day..."



H/T: Timmeh!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Ronaldo Shops


1. "Shut up and help me dispose of the other body parts."

2. "Excuse me, but have you accepted Louis Vuitton as your personal savior?"

3. "Clever... hiding the Men2Men Pleasure Shop bag inside the Louis Vuitton bag."

4. "And while store security was busting Winona Ryder, I stole you a watch."

5. Ronaldo proudly strutted with his new purse, the evil woman at Supercuts a distant memory.

6. "When we get to the Gucci store, can I pistol whip the clerk?"

7. "Real subtle way to cover a boner, Ronaldo."

8. "Take anything you want... spare me my life..."

9. "Yes, Alberto, I suppose these jeans would look good crumpled on the floor of your... HEY!"

10. "Oh, shit, it's that skank, Madonna. Quick, start making out with me."

H/T: Franco IBC at Discarded Lies

Best of The Man
Andew Sullivan's pages are seen leaving their first day of "work".

Best of What, me worry?
This week on STRAIGHT EYE FOR THE QUEER GUY, the Fearsome Five teach on their latest subject, a hairdresser from West Hollywood, how to simultaneously belch, listen to Rush Limbaugh and eat tuna from the can.

Best of Jonathan
"Foley gave me his Carte Blanche and said to buy something 'fab'...at least, I THINK he said 'fab'!"

Best of Submariner
In the bag? My Vodaphone; why?

Best of David Simon
"Uh Barney, I may be a wetback, but I'm not stupid. Get me a real Vuitton handbag, or you can find yourself another boy toy.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yeah I was Mark Foley's personal page, why do you ask?"

Best of Straight8
Ronaldo, I know trying on the latest fashions in those quaint little dressing rooms makes you frisky, but couldn't you wait 'til we got home?

Oh, V the K, Grow the Hell Up


1. Mark Foley's pederasty scandal paled next to his fantasies of being blown by Mikhail Gorbachev.

2. ♪ "O-h-h-h-h sweet mystery of life at last I've found ye..."

3. "A handshake would have sufficed, Mr Sullivan."

4. From Carnival Queen to Liberal MP, David Bridge's career in British politics was unstoppable.

5. "I'm sorry, but we can't allow you to smuggle any viscous liquids onto the flight. TSA regulations."

6. "Is there anything else the RNC can do for you, Senator Chaffee?"

7. "Is there anything else the Washington Post can do for you, Mr Webb?"

8. "Is there anything else the DNC can do for you, Mr. Kos?"

9. "Are you sure this will clear up my nasal congestion?"

10. "Mark Foley, you silly fool. There simply is no substitute for forty years of experience."

UPDATE Does the back of the head in the lower part of the picture look like that of Congressman Barney Frank below...



Best of David
Give it up Mister Frank, you'll just have to wait till I get my pants off before fisting me.

Best of Silhouette
And in an eleventh hour surprise, one representative changed his vote on the marriage amendment.

Best of champaignken
Bill Clinton shows Mark Foley what a "Lewensky" is.

"If I think about lacrosse, it is much better."

Best of sixdegreesofblondness
"Is a straw really necessary? Damn!"

Best of Submariner
D@mmit Mark, I wish I knew how to spit you...
Looks to me like he yielded the floor to the gentleman from Massahchewsit.

Best of Anonymous
Hey, who moved my desk?

Best of prince of leaves
"Close your eyes and think of England."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Thank god we're Democrats and won't lose our job over this."

Hat Tip: Mo