Geriatricana

1. Man on HDTV, Matt and Katie really show their age.

2. "Stupid dog crapped in the yard again... wait a minute, we don't have a dog."

3. "Hello, we're here to get pierced and inked."

4. "Aw, crap, the fireline's almost to the back fence and I don't think the kids are coming back for us."

5. "Did the TSA strip-search get you as hot as it got me, Margaret?"

6. "Just once, before I die, I'd like to get some hot backdoor action."

7. "If that's a meatloaf you put on the back porch, where the hell is the cat?"

8. "That Bob Dole sure knows how to mosh."

9. Remember when a Mexican family moved to town and the neighbors got together and burned them out? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

10. "Aw, Hell, Mossad has finally caught up to us."

Best of sonicfrog
Origional V'Jays Nina Blackwood and Allan Hunter reunite for the upcoming MTV twenty-five year anniversary special.

Best of Curly
Matt and Katie avoid arguments by pretending not to hear one another…“40 years of wedded bliss, right Matt?”…”Horny queers indebted to sis? Whatever, Katie.”

Best of Dear AL
She's smiling because she likes ya! I like ya too! Wanna join us for a threesome?

Best of David Simon
"Another one of our tenants has disappeared without a trace, sheriff? No, he didn't tell us where he was going."

Best of Jonathan
Clyde and Ethel reminisce on the 50-year anniversary of their first publication of "Swingers Monthly".

File Under: Americana

Republicana

1. Even for Enumclaw, this was pretty weird.

2. In front of his entire IM Friends list, Congressman Foley meets an ironic demise.

3. Before his resignation, Mark Foley introduced his campaign mascot, the 'Fudge Pachyderm.'

4. "Do you kids think that puny fence would stop an enraged bull elephant? Let's find out."

5. "Children! Children! Please! Mr. Merrick is very sensitive."

Best of prince of leaves
"And if you think those Beijing Animal Olympics tricks were sick, wait until you see what Mr. Tusky here can do with his trunk, two barrels of olive oil, and a shaved woodchuck!"

The crowd looked up in horror as Olive the Elephant flung Wild Ed's midget assistant Nesreddin into the flight path of a passing airliner.

Best of Straight8
Yes,I am for raising the minimum wage. I'm tired of working for peanuts. (ducks)

Best of David Simon
"So kids, in summary, if you don't study hard, you'll become a pudgy loser who lives in a squalid trailer training smelly beasts to do stupid tricks for suburban brats."

"It's not that Babar doesn't like peanuts kids, it's just that fat carnies are so much more tasty."

Best of sonicfrog
We knew Andrew Sullivan always was a bit of a size queen!, but the bestiality still came as a surprise.

Best of Curly
Andrew Sullivan was pissed. “Ed, you idiot, I specifically asked for anal probes, not ‘animal proboscis’.”

While everyone knew Ed had a meth lab in his trailer, they cut him slack with the police because he protected his illegal enterprise with elephants instead of pit bulls.

Best of the paperboy
This means Rosie's in the mood for some lovin! Any epileptics in the audience?


File Under: Americana

Jerk

1. "Yeah, I spit in your coffee. Thanks for putting Ginsburg on the Supreme Court, ya fat fascist."

2. "You know, Ed, you have the tightest, perkiest buttocks of any Secret Service man ever."

3. "Can't harass... eating!"

4. "And through the magic of the human digestive system, coffee becomes bodily fluids, which I can then deposit on anyone I want to."

5. "Wow, who knew ex-presidents could get breast milk in their cappucino on request."

Best of Dusty
Bill's do-list for this week:
1. Attack Chris Wallace
2. Buy a really crappy-looking shirt
3. Stop off at Starbucks

Is that woman sitting behind me smirking? I'll fix her like I 'fixed' Juanita Broaddrick.

Just a little picker-upper. Trying to find a legacy really takes it out of you.

Best of jeff
"What do you mean it isn't polite to take food into eating establishments? I'll stop when Starbucks offers cheeseburgers."

Best of Jonathan
"What do you mean 'You'd better get some ice for that'?? (pause...) Oh, you meant for the frappucino? Sorry, sir. I just remember the last time you said that."

Best of Submariner
Dammit! Where's my toy?

Front agent quietly into his lapel mic; "I don't care what you think of the request. 'Eagle Droppings' wants a quadruple cheeseburger with extra mayo and relish - stat!"

Please Mr. Clinton; can I spit now?

Best of andthenblammo!
Barista: "Cream in your coffee?"
Bill Clinton: "No, not since the last time Monica brought it to me! A-har-har-har-har-har!"

"Is this a pubic hair on my cappucino? Man, Clarence Thomas was right about that 'great-wheel-of-karma-turning' thing, now, wasn't he?"

Best of What, me worry?
I’ll have a venti mocha frappuccino with a double shot of duplicitousness, extra DNA cream, extra condescension, questionable legacy, a touch of sedition and a twist of logic.

Your coffee is like Chris Wallace’s nice little conservative hit job on Fox: bitterness has replaced the false promise of deliciousness.

Best of prince of leaves
"Funny, this espresso Hillary fetched for me tastes like bitter almonds..."

Mary Elizabeth Jaworsky, Catholic ecstatic, beams with euphoria as she witnesses an apparition of the Avenging Hand of God hovering over an unwitting Bill Clinton.

Best of Straight8
No, really. Does this coat make my butt look big?

Best of Mr. Right
MONICA (from under the table): "Mr. President, we have to stop meeting like this..." {zzziiiipppp!!!}

Best of Silhouette
Ha! You thought to distract me with an ex-president and secret service agents, but I see Waldo's elbow!


Hat Tip: SondraK

Headline: Sexy Dancers Forbidden Near Thai Troops

1. "Can I get a discount if I only need to be loved for a couple of minutes?"

2. I don't want to cast aspersions on their virtues, but look at the size of the diaphragms on their heads.

3. "Like our halter tops? John Mark Karr had a garage sale."

4. "Hey, wanna watch us make a hard man humble?"

5. "You misunderstood, I said the military would be in charge of all elections."

6. "Charie Sheen's getting $350k per episode of Two and a Half Men, so, the brothel is building an extra wing."



Source: AssPress Photo/Ed Wray

Texan-Cheerleader-Rocket Scientist

Haiku This!
Seventies Flashback
Wilma Deering, Spandex and
My first boner

1. Hot catfight action! Thursday's babe versus Wednesday's fag! Taking all bets!

2. Feh, rocket scientist. Sprawl her across the hood of David Coverdale's Corvette, then we can discuss Thermodynamics.

3. "Eat your heart out, Barbra Streisand!"

4. ♪ "I wish they all could be Carolina... I wish they all could be Carolina... I wish they all could be Carolina ... girls..." ♪

5. She's a hot, sweaty vice cop who breaks all the rules! Vixen's Rack, Tuesdays, this Fall, on Fox!

Best of The Man
She currently works as an engineer at NASA’s Johnson Space Center. She can work at my Johnson anytime she wants.

...uhh Houston...we have liftoff in my pants.

Best of jeff
Summer is seriously hot in Texas...

"I'm wearing the Austrian flag on across my chest to attract Arnold..."

"What? Doesn't stringy, wet, smelly hair turn you on too?"


Best of Submariner
Appears she's been rode hard and put on display wet...

"...and my parents named me Chastity. Man! Talk about missing the target..."

Best of prince of leaves
Another proud beneficiary of NASA's synthetic materials research programs.

ORA: "Roger, Mission Control, we can confirm reentry..."

Best of What, me worry?
It’s not the heat, it’s th hellacious hooters.

Word verification of aaaeme: always about adhering erotically (to) me.

Best of Dusty
*giggle giggle*---and I'm really good at counting backwards from 10.

Best of Cybrludite
I'd calculate her ΔV any day of the week, and twice on Sundays.



H/T: Ed at Disco LiesSource: Houston Texans

This is Wednesday. Cool Your Jets.

1. Pedro and Leon were overjoyed. "At least, a kid whose ass WE can kick."

2. ♪ Hap-py... Birth-day... Congress-man Barney Frank... ♪

3. "Eat your heart out, Barbra Streisand."

4. "No, I'm just the houseboy. Mr. Seacrest will be with you shortly."

5. This publicity photo of Cousin Daisy illustrates why Ang Lee should not have directed Dukes of Hazzard II.

6. "Yar, I be smelly and this be me treasure trail."

7. "Streisand and implied incest between Kennedies on Monday, Shirtless Men on Tuesday, and now this? This must be Caption This's Gayest Week Ever."

8. Ten years it later, it turned out the left-wing blognuts were right about Jack Roberts.

9. For a moment, I thought this was Heath Ledger, then I realized it was much too butch.

Best of jeff
"Why is my bellybutton leaking?" Better question, What is his belly button leaking?

Best of Curly
What “Hot Babe Thursdays” would look like if Barney Frank ran the Caption This! web site.

“Eat your heart out, Barbara Streisand!”

Best of Chrees
Voted "Most Likely To" in his high school yearbook.

Best of Jonathan
Sven Yannish, San Francisco's first taxpayer-subsidized Gender Reassignment Surgery recipient, poses for the 2006 SF City Employee Yearbook.

Best of Dusty
Lionel is rumored to be next year's first round draft pick of the Houston Texans.

Oops, cancel that, it is written into Texan QB David Carr's contract that no other roster player can be prettier than himself.

Best of champaignken
Dateline Parkridge Illinois September 1972: A Ms. Hillary Rodham has been named Illinios' Pork Princess.

Best of Submariner and Silhouette
A very special Saved By The Bell. ...we learn the reason they knick-named him "Screech."

Best of Submariner
Voted by San Francisco High, Class of 2006 - Most Likely to Suck Seed

Daddy was NOT as proud of Lynx and Lamb's older brother, Lythp.

I'll be "head lining" at Avalon Manor this weekend, IF you know what I mean...

Best of prince of leaves
The other elves were put off by Legolas' attempts to get in touch with his even more feminine side.

"From Elf to Fairy: the autobiography of Orlando Bloom"

Best of David Simon
Timmy Weir was not amused when his brother spiked his bikini wax with Rogaine. "I don't get mad; I get even. I mixed Tobasco Jalapeno into Johnny's lube. He'll be doing triple axels for a week."

He may be mute, but David Bridge can still scream "I'm a nellie bottom."

Mark Foley: You in your boxers too? David Bridges: Well no, actually I'm wearing a pair of my favorite lace panties from Victoria's Secret. Mark Foley: uh, gotta go.

Best of What, me worry?
Queer Eye For The Straight Guy found nothing wrong with this twink.

Best of sonicfrog
"Jack Bauer's Dark Secret has made its way to YouTube. A young Kiefer Sutherland auditions for a part in the never released "Lost Boys" spin off "The Lost Girls". Needless to say, he didn't get the part!



Stolen From the UK Sun: Teen Shemale Elected Carnival Queen

Woods and Hoods

1. "So, are we klansmen doing a marijuana bust or some kind of druid thing? I don't know."

2. "Excuse me, we're trying to act out Macbeth Act IV, Scene 1 here! '"Great Burnham Wood to High Dunsinane Hill Shall Come..."

3. "My elaborate sexual fantasy is almost complete. Now, to find a donkey."

4. "One, Halloween isn't until next month, and two, this is the lamest Haunted Trail, like, ever!"

5. "Why thank you. I suppose I do have a 'real purtty mouth.'"

6. "I hope you've learned an important lesson from this about the importance of having the right length for the fuse on a pipe bomb. Now, help me look for my index finger.

7. "Great, you numbtards just used poison ivy for camouflage."

8. "Well, blankets and leaves are possible defenses against Zionist cluster-bombs, but ideally, you want to surround yourself with children."

Best of lawhawk
When I said get thee a shrubbery, I meant get me a shrubbery, not for you to dress like one. Is this a Zionist plot to get me or what?

Best of the paperboy
Okay, sticks and leaves work in the jungle. For urban warfare, you'll need to put kids, bricks, dead dogs and bombed out cars in your ghillie suits.

The new generation of Jihadis do not fly airplanes into office buildings. They infiltrate office buildings as potted plants and set themselves on fire.

Best of jeff
Stargate SG-1 sees cuts in the alien makeup budget.

Best of Silhouette
Dhimmitude meets environmentalism: Organic burkas.

KosKids charades: The answer is "The Bush family are secretly gun-toting terrorists."

The National Enquirer photogs would regret their plan to photograph Cheney on vacation.

Best of sonicfrog
Todays KKK. Pathetic! Another fine American institution gone to Hell!!! Is there any better proof that the school system is not teaching proper values any more.

Best of the paperboy
Sarge? Sarge? Hey Sarge! I got a woody!

Best of Submariner
Here we see new "body armor" manufactured by a DNC-sponsored, small, disadvantaged business, being delivered to deployed troops.

Best of What, me worry?
Abu Ghraib redux: Detainees are forced to put Rosie O'Donnell’s panties on their heads.

“Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em…I’ve got ZigZags if anybody’s lacking.”

“Sure, I’ve heard the saying about sticks and stones, but I never thought I’d be wearing them.”

Best of Steve B
ssshhhhh...be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting Zionists.


Also from: LFG

Durka Durka Durka

1. "Father Sullivan has the weirdest Ash Wednesday services."

2. "Dreams Andrew Sullivan has had for $400, Alex."

3. "When the see our perfect, synchronized goose-stepping, they won't dare call us Islamo-Fascists!"

4. "Ahmed, how can you not feel FABULOUS after a mud-spa facial and fisting?"

5. Once each year, the West Bank and Gaza Strip honor Arafat's memory by having all the palace guards strip naked and run, en masse, down a giant slip-n-slide and land in a big sweaty manpile at the other end.

6. When Mother Sheehan demanded a 'fresh-scrubbed boy-toy' to warm her tent, four were killed in the stampede to the mudhole.

7. Prussian Blue has the most orderly, disciplined Mosh Pits I've ever seen.

8. "I don't know but I been told/Osama likes boys nine years old..."

9. "Abdul, I hesitate to point this out, but I have fallen asleep on guard duty every night for a week and no one has given me the 'flying squirrel' I was promised."

10. Later, Harry Reid, Joe Biden, and the other Senate Democrats would pound on drums and express their inner feelings through poetry.

Best of Silhouette
An unexpected shirts and skins game reveals a shocking scandal on this week's ethnically segregated Survivor.

From the backfire residue, I'd say this year's graduates are unclear on how to "blow up" a car.

Best of What, me worry?
“Dear Mom…Life is tough at the Mujahideen Boot Camp. Sarge says that we’re all weak and worthless -- like little girls fit for burkas and clitorectomies – and that the Zionists will mow us over if we don’t toughen up fast.”

“I should have joined the Suicide Bombers Brigade…No running, no sweating; just strap on a little vest and you’re on the express train to the 72 virgins.”

Best of sonicfrog
Paul was just one of many to audition for Mel Gibsons new movie "Ariel; The Dirty Jew Boy".

Best of the paperboy
Hezbollah training camp regrets having Miclael Moore guest lead a march after burrito night at the mess hall.


Best of Submariner
We've finished with Andrew, Barney and Johnny. Where the hell are Pedro and Leon?

Typical Kennedy clan gathering - all the males are running sh*tfaced by noon...

I dunno, Otter. This year's crop of pledges look rather stupid. Didn't ANY of them manage to not stick his head up the horse's rear?



Hat Tip: LFG

I Saw This at Ace and Thought, "Why Not?"

1. "By Allah! Ann Landers is running, 'Please God, I'm Only 17' again."

2. "Hey, Fidel also sustains himself on the brains of the living!"

3. "Hey, look! Abe Vigoda took out another 'I'm not dead' Ad."

4. "Doonesbury, you crack me up."

5. "Oh! Here's a good one! 'GWM, 45, into fisting, beagles, Abu Ghraib torture scenes, no fats, no fems ...' Now, what hell are 'Power Glutes?'"

6. "OK, photo-shoot over. Now, get me into some chiffon at once!"

7. Apple's New iPod ads dispelled all remaining doubt about their political loyalties.

8. MC Hammer called. He wants his jacket back.

9. "There's a sale at Penneys!"

10. Suddenly, I'm think I may have been too judgmental about Dr. Kevorkian.

And Now, a PSA

1. "I learned it from you! All right?"

2. "Well, you see, when two people love each other very much... or when one of them has passed out..."

3. "Because my arms are too short to fist myself, that's why. C'mon, it's not the most depraved thing you'll have to do as a Kennedy."

4. "Hey, Patrick... occupado!"

5. "Pat, the family and the other House Democrats were going to stage an intervention to confront you about your drinking and drug addiction, but we decided to go to the nudie bar instead. Wanna come?"

6. "Sure, Pat, you're my favorite son or nephew. Now, get on your knees and suck my wad."

7. "Sorry, Pat. Your trust fund is gone. Daddy had to spend it on scotch, so he could forget about what a sorry loser his son is for a while."

8. "Well, Pat, you see, when a Senator and a campaign aide love each other very much, but she can't keep her bitch mouth shut and he can't hold his liquor..."

9. "Forget inter-species, kid, your dad has actually done it outside his Phylum!"

10. "No way. You pull mine first."

Best of The Man
Paper covers rock, hickup. You drive.

Best of Submariner
I just saw a picture of Babs braless. I'm sober now...

I just walked in on Hillary at the urinal - she IS a better man than you...

Haven't I taught you anything? Vodka won't linger on the breath after breakfast, you little dip!

Best of lawhawk
Pass another G&T. Even for me, it's too damned early in the morning to sit here and watch Babs walk by in a sheer dress.Make that a double.

Best of Van Helsing
"Relax, son. So you crashed you car. It's not like you killed somebody. And even if you had..."

Best of prince of leaves
Patrick Kennedy is caught on film, cheating on his AA recovery program by huffing the fumes from his father's breath.

"My son and I both agree: it's shameful how Bush thinks he's above the law."

Best of Jonathan
"I dunno know why our staffers quit! All I said was that I was going to let THEM pick whether you or I drove the campaign bus!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Patrick: "I'm beginning to have reqrets with the direction of my life."
Teddy: "Just let it go, it's just an Oldsmobi... I mean water under the bridge."

Best of Adjustah
Dad, do you ever feel...you know...not fresh?

Best of CJ
Babe, someone's gonna drown in those eyes of yours

Best of What, me worry?
“I guess I’ve never noticed this before, but you’ve got a birthmark on your head that reads 666!”

“I’m so drunk that even Babs Streisand’s hooters look hot.”

“With the Chappaquiddick incident in my past, some people say that it’s ironic that I named my dog Splash…I guess they would have preferred a name like Life Jacket.”

Best of Curly
"Your aunt was mentally damaged from a botched lobotomy, but what's your excuse?"

"It's a good thing we live in Massachusetts; I don't think even those flakey Californians would keep re-electing the likes of us".


H/T: V/H

Arrgh! My Eyes!!! Part XVI

1. Now we know why male Streisand fans are almost exclusively gay.

2. "(Ahem) Both Clinton's thought they were FABULOUS!"

3. Yarrgh, well, a pirate can't be too choosy when it's late at night and he's at the end of his swag.

4. "Hello, I'd like a refund for my 'Boobs of Steel' workout video.

5. The dangers of choosing a discount escort service.

6. Babs exits the Ladies Room, unaware that she's just cured two Carolina cheerleaders of the gay.

7. The CDC later determined it wasn't bad spinach, but her after-dinner rendition of "I Touch Myself" that led to 13 deaths.

8. How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Burqa!

Best of Adjustah
"Flapjacks! Get your flapjacks here!"

Best of lawhawk
This is worse than being left in a pain amplifier for the rest of my life.

Best of sonicfrog
Revealed At Last! The inspiration for the South Park character Ms. Chokesondick!

Best of Dusty
Score: Babs 0
Gravity 2

Headlights on low beam.

Is Babs changing her political views? I thought I saw a cursive 'W' on the front of her dress!

Best of Submariner
Floppy: worn out, fatigued, weary, exhausted, hanging, limp, dangling, sagging, lifeless, flaccid, slack, baggy…

Subby, the point is to provide captions, not dwarf names --- VtK

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Mammaries...
From the corners of my hips...
Misty water-colored mammaries...

I'd hit that!... With a 2 by 4. Repeatedly.

I'm not real big on the conspiracy-theory thing, but Peter Jennings went there... and he's dead now.

Best of the paperboy
Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em over your shoulder
Like a continental soldier?
Do your boobs hang low?

Meg Ryan's banana boobs also flopped out of a google search.

Best of Adjustah
Babs hoped that her Susan Sarandon novelty backpack would distract people from the fact that she had totally forgotten her bra...

Michael Moore shows off his new look post-liposuction.

Best of David
Breasts, not bombs! No, seriously, they're breasts!

Best of prince of leaves
Moments later, Faye Dunaway tapped Babs on the shoulder and got double-blackjacked when the diva whirled around in surprise.

Best of attmay
Are those two Jiffy Pop containers under that dress or are you happy to see me?

Best of Brendt
Hat tips, my @$$! Whoever pointed this out to you needs a middle finger extended at them.

Best of Rodney Dill
Rosie O'Donnell: "Schwiiing"

AP BREAKING: Reports were received today that Barbra Streisand was found dead of blunt force trauma to the head after a tragic jump rope accident.

Best of Matamoros
Bra size: 38 long.

I could spend the rest of the day doing hat tips on this.

Murricanna

1. Richard Gere teaches Sex Ed.

2. "Now, if you lick the backs of one of these, you'll see beautiful colors and shapes and believe that John Kerry was a War Hero and Bush bombed the WTC."

3. "... and that's when I got an NEA grant for sculpting my collected loogies into animals."

4. The girls were stupid enough to believe if they kissed it, it would turn into a prince. The boys were stupid enough to believe if it bit them, they'd get superpowers. Either way, Doug loved his job.

5. Molly and Emily were so mesmerized by Doug's dicussion of toad reproduction they failed to notice the chilatenous pincers fixin' to drag them down into Hell.

6. "Now, if you're ever out in the wilderness and needin' protein..."

7. "Supple skin, good color. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found our 'Best In Show'."

8. "Now, what say we go back to the blender in my office and give Mr. Toad a Wild Ride?"

9. "By the way, girls, Mr. Toad isn't the only one who appreciates a 'wild ride' if you get my drift."

10. "Toady here isn't gonna cut it. Our Dark Master requires a Grand Sacrifice if the Dems are to retake the Senate. I trust all of you girls are virgins?"

Best of prince of leaves
"Jimmy here was born with an extra hind leg sticking out of his butt, all because the hormones from your mommy's birth control pills eventually find their way into the pristine natural environment..."

"And this here is a toadalope tadpole...someday, this little guy will be the size of a Mini Cooper and sport fierce, sharp antlers like those you see here..."

"If you dry this guy out and grind a little of him in to a woman's morning coffee every day for a month, she'll hyperovulate and produce seven babies at the same time, all daughters. But of course, I'm sure your dad here knows all about that..."

Best of David
The little blue port-a-potty bided his time, waiting until the notion of riffing on minor background details lost it's novelty appeal.

Jim's poo humor left something to be desired. Like a setup, a punchline, or in fact anything at all except for the all important prop.

Best of Curly
“Welcome to today’s lecture on Sexuality in Nature. This week we learn that amphibians can be asexual as well as male or female…and there’s nothing wrong with that!”

Best of What, me worry?
“No Sally, warts don’t come from toads. Carl Rove created warts to drive up the profits of the pharmaceutical industry; who, along with the oil industry, have the Bush administration in their collective back pockets.”

“Yes Joey, the French are sometimes derogatorily referred to as ‘frogs’ and the French are indeed unabashedly anti-American despite the fact that we saved their butts from the Germans twice in the last century. However, I don’t necessarily think that means we should squish poor Kermit here with a big rock.”

Best of Submariner
So you see how narrow his body is? Next I'll show you a neat trick on how to make him wider than a minivan's rear tire...

Best of sonicfrog
The previews to the new Indiana Jones movie just don't look all that exciting...

From the paper in my humble hometown, which had a shotgun murder-suicide last week.

"It worked! The French are surrendering to our text message"

1. "It's a txt from my dad. He says he's willing to accept our forbidden love if we just come home."

2. "Ignore it. It's just Sullivan trying to lure young men to another 'Naked Flash Mob.'"

3. "Only $50K? They are so screwing with us. Saw up one of the hostages and ask for 2 mil."

4. "Dudes! Not here! What do you think this is, an Ohio public library?"

5. "Free untraceable cell phones? Man, I love going to Hezbullah High School."

Best of jeff
"So Corey, what does your mom say?"
"She says you can come over, Lou Diamond."

Best of lawhawk
I'll take cell phone detonators for $100 Alex.

Best of The Man
You are so right, playing Tecmo Basketball on my phone is much better than the real thing. I could use a Ho-Ho.

Best of Submariner
Dude, how do you dial 9-1-1?

Best of What, me worry?
“I can’t wait until I’m old enough to drive and text message at the same time”.

Best of Rodney Dill
Man the Noam Chomsky ringtones are so cool.

Best of Cricket
Karate Kid and American Ninja check their cells for messages from the Power Puff girls.


Moral: Don't try to take a cell phone from a teenage German kickboxer.

"Captain! Save some for the passengers!"

1. Terrorist interrogations and how they will work under the McCain Plan.

2. "No, Senator Kerry, we can't imagine why the 'peasants' don't appreciate all you do for them. More Dom?"

3. After they turn 25, Hef sells his bimbos to Bob Guccione at a discount.

4. "Can you guess which one of us isn't a tranny? You'll be surprised."

5. "OK, Mr. Sullivan, as soon as its empty, you and the champagne bottle can join the Mile High Club."

Best of divine miss m
Welcome aboard St. Pauli Airlines!

Best of Jonathan
"We're about to begin the initial descent into San Francisco International Airport. Your flight attendants Nacy, Renee, and Raoul would like to thank you for flying Gender Bender airlines!"

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Zee stewardesses vood of course have to be uff a most...stimulating nature!"

"We're sorry your usual trio of 'French maids' is unavailable, Mr. Cheney, but perhaps you'll find the 'Strict German Stewardess' routine more... ahh... interesting..."

"Madonna? Why no -- usually passengers tell me I look like Max Headroom in drag..."

Best of Submariner
"...and Marcie will be right back with your grapes, Mrs. Heinz-Kerry."

Do we make you randy, baby?

Best of What, me worry?
“How nice of Mr. Jackson to take you for a ride in his private jet. How about some Jesus Juice?”

Best of Adjustah
Air Serbia: Fly the Fugly Skies.

How to torture Sean Connery.

Best of Curly
"That's right honey. Just keep refilling my glass until you start looking pretty".

Best of the paperboy
Through the eyes of John Mark Karr, the six year old triplets look like a trio of 25 year-old nymphomaniac stewardesses serving him champaigne and roast duck.



Lufthansa Celebrates Oktoberfest.

Hugo, Don't Tempt Me (Man, Is That Ever ORA)

1. In an unprecdented move, V the K feature five boobs on one Thursday.

2. "Hey! Who took my copy of Dianetics?"

3. "Hey, Myrtle, what's up? Me, nothin'... just hocking loogies on some idiot loser's head."

4. As his BO wafted upwards, Juanita could only wish that the podium still smelled of sulfur.

5. After answering every question with "Bush is the Devil," Hugo Chavez was never given the center square again.

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan arrived at the UN on a rumor of a big dick being present.

Best of Rodney Dill
"No I don't really need this penis pump, and I don't know what the translator is laughing about."

Best of Submariner
I did NOT have sex with that Cindy woman. Generalisimo Koffi, would you please silence the laughter behind me?

Although they had other weapons, the US Army soldiers seemed to particularly relish attacking Hugo with their spitball cannons...

I keep waiting for the Vonage song to start and the punch line to pop up - sometimes people do stupid things...

Best of What, me worry?
“…and if you join Amway right now, I’ll throw in this free book by Noam Chomski!”

Best of Dusty
"-- and it's been hanging limp like this ever since that Sheehan woman hugged me!"

"-- well that was true until Danny Glover hugged me!"

Best of A.M. Mora y Leon
Hugo does his best K-Tel sales pitch for his hard-up pal Noam.

Van H and Timmeh both tempted me.

Thursday Chainmail Hobichas

1. I bet you ladies have a heck of a time getting through T'n'A screening, I mean TSA screening.

2. Divine Miss M hired a couple of tutors to help with CJ's homeschooling.

3. "I don't know," sighed Andrew Sullivan. "A chainmail mansiere with vinyl fingerless gloves just seems gauche after Labor Day."

4. "I only have an opening for one intern," Senator Clinton said. "So, into the mudpit, no holds barred, and to the death! The winner and I will bathe in the loser's blood!"

5. "Be sure and drop back in on us the next time you're in Alburquerque, Mr. The K."

6. When he gets nostalgic, David Bowie likes to look at pictures of himslf from the 1970's.

7. "You must be friends of Mary's," snarled the Vice President, unbuckling his belt. Within an hour, both were cured of the gay, but would never again find a man who measured up.

8. You think this is wild, wait 'til you see their prom dates.

9. Dwight's mother and sister's argument over how he became so troubled soon devolved into yet another erotic strawberry whipped-cream catfight.

10. When Katie Couric didn't work out, CBS went to a "Dual-Anchor" approach.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
When I finally hit the Powerball numbers, this will be a picture of my mechanic and my gardener.

Best of The Man
Interning at The Clinton Foundation looks good on a resume and leaves them with plenty of hands-on experience

Thong Girl V will introduce her arch nemisis - Leather Strap-On Girl and her evil twin.

Best of Submariner
Subby? Would you show us how sub sailors can "breathe through their ears" again? Pretty please?

Decisions, decisions;do I want "less filling" or "tastes great?"

Velkommen to Schprokkets. Helga und Inga vill be your prize, BUT only should you get past Bruno und Heinz.

Best of divine miss m
The Maxey Boys' Training School experienced an unprecedented 98% turnaround in delinquent behavior solely by issuing new uniforms to its teachers, social workers and guards.

Pedro and Leon were the exceptions.

Best of prince of leaves
"Mom...? Cher...?"

Best of Adjustah
Hey, I hear Hanson are back together...

Best of What, me worry?
“Welcome to the World Famous Chicken Ranch Brothel! Are you pro-Bush, into Gore, into Hairy Reeds, or undecided?”

Best of Dusty
Just two of the reasons Bill Clinton didn't do more to catch bin Laden.

She Blew

1. Gesundheit!

2. The backwash from Louis Farakhan's Mother-Ship lifting off was very intense.

3. "Mrs Pelosi, would you mind standing by the airlock while I get a ..."

4. "I hate coming back to the trailer park in tornado season."

5. "Well, that's the last time I defile an Indian Burial Ground."

6. Michael Moore's Taco Bell endorsement contract was cancelled the next day.

Best o' the paperboy
When Jay "The Critic" Sherman repudiates Hugo Chavez' claims of winning the belching contest at the UN.

Best o' Anonymous
Jesse Jackson's PUSH rant was so powerful, it blew Jacko's glove right off.

Best o' Submariner
Remember; you should never, ever, EVER go outside in a hurricane to take pictures. Leave that to us, the trained professionals here at the Weather Chan - >>!!INCOMING BOAT!!<<<

I miss the good old days when Barbra could STILL HIT the high notes...

Michiko Yamaguchi's last sight; 8:16am, Aug 6, 1945.

Best o' Van Helsing
With an intense blast of sulfurous wind, the entire United Nations building was conjured off to hell.

Best o' Cybrludite
August 6, 1945: "What the **** was that?!?

Best o' prince of leaves
The signature "Blast of Hostpitality™" diners received when entering wasn't enough to save the ill-conceived "TOOTERS" chili and baked potato restaurant chain from swift bankruptcy.

Best o' Dusty
Lydia just happened to passing the Fox News Studio at the precise moment that Chris Wallace asked Bill Clinton why he hadn't done more to capture bin Laden.

Best o' Curly
“I said ‘SAY cheese”, not “CUT THE cheese’!”


From: The WaPo

She's Gonna Blow!

1. "Did you enjoy your burrito, sahib?"

2. Fantastic Voyage 2006, a team or brave scientists explore Andrew Sullivan's anus.

3. There was something strikingly familiar about the alien landscape, but Mr. Sulu just couldn't put his finger in it... er, on it.

4. "Bummer, dude, you drew the black dot."

5. "Before the infidels got fed up with our bullshit, this place was called 'Mekkah.'"

6. Deep in the heart of Nepal, retsin miners struggle to meet Certs' daily quota.

7. "You tossed in Lindsay Lohan and the volcano god still was not pleased? OK, let's toss in Hillary Duff and Avril Lavigne just to be sure."

8. "Welcome to Hell, Bill Maher. Do you still believe religion is a mental disorder? Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

9. "Hey, look, a Starbucks!"

10. "Riiiii-cola!"

Best of Jonathan
"Allah-dammit, whose brilliant idea was it to let Ibrahaim play with the C-4?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yes this used to be the Dome of the Rock, until the pope decided he didn't want to apologize after all."

Best of Anonymous
"We call this enormous, smoking crater 'Dan Rather's Credibility.'"

Best of jeff
"Man, these Amazing Race challenges get weirder each season!"

Best of Submariner
Fez could not help wondering; "How many boxes of cracker jacks can this thing hold?"

Best of Chrees
"Better throw in Eddie Murphy for that whole Golden Child thing, too..."

Best of Adjustah
Boba hoped that this would give the Sarlacc indigestion...

Best of prince of leaves
Mardi Gras in Nepal: "Hey sherpa! Throw me sump'n!!!"

Best of Curly
“We just buried Osama, when the ground around us caved in as if he were getting sucked into the very bowels of Hell.”



From the WaPo.

Don't They Look Peaceful?

1. "That's right, English! Don't let the sun set on you in Amish Town!"

2. "Damn right my uterus is my business!"

3. Two years out and John McCain supporters are already FIRED UP!

4. Could it be true? Was Andrew Sullivan's "Amish fisting" fantasy about to come to fruition?

5. Reuters Caption: "Peaceful Muslims play an intense game of rock/paper/scissors."

Best of The Man
Headband - $5
Banner - $14
Burnt Effigy - $27
Having an 80 year old German Pope expose you for the midevil goons that you are - Priceless

Best of Jason
ORA: We want a shrubbery!

Best of Anonymous
They got it all backwards; it's the guys who should wear the veils.

Do they always put the ugly ones in front, or do they all look like this?

The crowd cheers Imir on before he attempts to fit his whole fist in his mouth.

We will We will Rock you!

Damn you Diebold, you stole Ohio!!!!

What do we want?!" "Goats!!" "When do we want them?!" "NOW!!!"

Best of WALSTIB
Ahmed, Salwid, Mohamed and the other proud fathers of Jersey City's RoP Little League team, seen here reminding their kids that it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

"...LESS FILLING!"

The annual Ramadan sale at Jihad-R-Us was always murder.

Best of Van Helsing
Angry fans demand that Rosie be given her own variety show.

Best of Submariner
Bill Laimbeer was the best Piston's center, ever!
We HOPE!
We HOPE!
The POPE is on FIRE!
We are oh so peaceful let insulting Pontiffs burn!

Best of Rodney Dill
"I want my Mapo"

"We are the Islamofascists that say 'NI'"

Best of jeff
Worldwide, Muslims react in anger as the Muslim guys are elminated from the Amazing Race before the first pit stop.

Best of the paperboy
Somebody peed in our gene pool!

As Muhammed and The Pope enter Thunderdome: "Two prophets enter! One prophet leaves! Two prophets enter! One prophet leaves!"

If the Pope does not apologize, I will shake my fist, pop out my left eye and spew spittle like Bill The Cat!

Best of attmay
"S! A! T-U-R! D-A-Y! NIGHT!
S! A! T-U-R! D-A-Y! NIGHT!"

(The T-U-R-D part certainly sums up my feelings about these guys.) - V

Best of What, me worry?
"John Kerry for President!"

Best of prince of leaves
Neanderthal-Americans, unsatisfied with Geico's apologies for running a commercial mocking their intellectual capabiliies, declare a jihad on lizards.

Best of Adjustah
Gummi bears! Gummi Bears! Sprinkles! Sprinkles!

Ah-Oo-Ga

1. "I see V the K has found the Oilers' locker room."

2. "Now that's good tequila!"

3. "Oh, don't be so melodramatic. We've all seen Hillary's penis."

4. An unprepared liberal watches The Path to 9-11.

5. A new roadie is shocked at the size of Willie Nelson's stash.

Best of lawhawk
This is your head. This is your head on Mars outside the Dome. Any questions?

This is what you get when Islamists see Phoebe Cates emerging from the pool in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Best of David Simon
"Why, yes. I am taking it in the brown eye from Ron Jeremy without lube. Why do you ask?"

Best of Submariner
"My major weakness? Probably that I tend to focus so intensely on my tasks that co-workers can't keep up with me."
Practicing your lines for an interview is critical.

1 Your son's Jr High prom date is here, Elmo.
2 It's Michael Jackson.

1 I got you a really cute new t-shirt dear that looks like one you were wearing in a childhood photo.
2 It looks like a jack-o-lantern.

Julian Bond reacts when a black claims Republican Party membership.

A typical reaction when a visitor uses the Avalon Manor bathroom...

Best of Cybrludite
Before & after a kick in the huevos from Hillary

Best of jeff
The one person guaranteed employment on Halloween.

Best of sonicfrog
... and next on "America's Wierdest Freaks" Andrew Sullivan shows what he can do with his anus...

Best of Van Helsing
Andrew Sullivan turns the dial on his new toy up to 11.

Best of Cybrludite
Submariner as he logs in to check the "Hot Babe Thursday" posts.

Best of Jason
My usual reaction to any of Sen. McCain's speeches

Best of WALSTIB
"You'r right Mr. Jones. The nurse did forget to warm up the insertion device first. Shall we do it again?"

Best of the paperboy
Sen. Clinton's intern: "You want me to what your what?"
Andrew Sullivan's "administrative asistant": "You want me to what your what?"
Hellen Thomas's cameraman: "You want me to what your what?"

Before and after photos of a proctology exam.
After and before photos of Andrew Sullivan's proctology exam.

Best of Adjustah
I will not mix Mentos & Diet Coke

Best of divine miss m
I'll be sure to cross all the T's and dot all of the...um...lower case J's.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
Not sure who he was looking at, but I think he needs a little "me time."


From the WaPo/AP Photo/Eugenio Savio

Let's play: "Translate The Signs"

1. "My veil is filled with boogers!"

2. "Bring us the head of Rosie O'Donnell!"

3. "We're so sorry George W. Bush was re-elected."

4. (L to R)"Pro-Choice!" "Keep YOUR Laws and YOUR morality off my body" "What do we want? Clitorectomies! When do we want them? Now!"

5. "Eat Mor Chikin"

6. "My Bomb belt! My business!"

Best of divine miss m
"Dhurka, dhurka, dhurka!"

Best of Jonathan H
"I'm really a man!"

"I slept with Osama and all I got was this lousy burka."

It must be really easy for women over there to rob 7-11's.

Best of Rodney Dill
GoldenPalace.com

The Pope is a poop! Dang the Pope! Off with his hang-nail (Moderate Muslims)

For Hirsute Honeys call 555-7345

Best of andthenblammo!
"$5 to take the veil off! $25 to put it back on!"

Sura 3:16!

Inspired by sonicfrog
That's not Arabic! That's just a typical doctor's prescription handwriting.

Best of David Simon
"Fifth row center seats for the Fatima-Achmed stoning, 50 dinars."

Best of Anonymous
My son was a suicide bomber, and all the state gave me was this lousy sign!

Best of Curly
If I don’t wear this veil, some unknown “religious cop” to me will beat the crap out of me.

If you can read this sign – you’re too close to me and my brother will shoot you and then honor-kill me!

Vote for Pedro!

Catch me on Thursdays at “Caption this!”

Best of sonicfrog
Limo for Alice Cooper.

Best of prince of leaves
"Hefty! Hefty! Hef-ty!"

ORA: "Down with Shaddam IV! End the Harkonnen occupation! No blood for melange! De-water those who insult Muad-Dibh!"

Best of Submariner
Imamzon; Wherever you go in the desert, the network has you!

Rough translation:
Camel wash - any donation
Please support our Mosque youth group's trip to the annual Hajj Stoning and Stampeding festival.

Best of Jonathan
"Crazy Abdul's Special: buy one falafel, get one free!"

Best of lawhawk
Got a match for my bomb vest? Call 555-1212

Best of WALSTIB
Once you try black you never go back.

Best of What, me worry?
"If you can read this, you're too concerned of the opinions of a backwater 9th century idiot".

“My clitoris was tossed into the garbage can and all I got was this lousy burka”.

“The Pope’s remarks offend my medieval sensibilities”.

Best of Adjustah
My other camel is a Toyota Uterus...



From, the BBC, your helpful guide to dhimmitude.

"Hey, Dude, There's Other People Wanna Use the Bathroom Too, Ya Know!"

1. "Eat some spinach, they said. It'll be good for you, they said..."

2. "Damn! I forgot I was only supposed to look at Helen Thomas's reflection in my shield!"

3. The reaction of most men after listening to five minutes of the new Gloria Steinem-Rosie O'Donnell- Jane Fonda radio network.

4. "My farts smell better than I thought."

5. Rodin's The Guilt-Ridden Self-Abuser.

Best of Rodney Dill
Edward was embarrassed as his opponents always guessed what he'd select for rock-paper-scissors.

Best of Submariner
ORA: Kane wasn't very good at charades - every answer was "The parasite attached itself to my face!"

Boy George's father 5 seconds after he was told that Andrew Sullivan was his son's prom date.

AMC CEO contemplates his decision to bet his corporate future on the Pacer.

Best of The Man
Statue of a far-sighted palm reader.

Best of GOP & College
A preview of James Carville in Dec. '06.

Best of lawhawk
The White Witch had fun with Simon Says one afternoon.

Best of sonicfrog
I am SOOO STONED!!!

Best of prince of leaves
"Mmm...I don't know what it could be, but something on my wrist smells really good..."

The sculpture Rodin would have titled "A Rational Man Lamenting 9/11 Truthiness", had he been born a century later.

Best of Jonathan
"Here I sit all broken hearted... "

Best of attmay
That's how most people reacted when they learned Matthew Perry was back on TV


From an Article Titled: Germans Losing Faith in Democracy. This bodes well.

Be Cool, There Were Only Minor Injuries

1. Rosie O'Donnell's monthly PMS rampage claims more young victims.

2. No one was injured in the accident, but several were trampled in the ensuing media stampede.

3. Madison (WI) authorities declined to investigate the accident, saying it was obviously a Black Op by the BushCo Zionist Cabal.

4. "And whose bright idea was it to let Otto-man come back to work the day after a Dave Matthews concert?"

5. "Gesundheit!"

Best of sonicfrog
Wow! And I thought cow tipping was cool!!!

Best of prince of leaves
Burned by the Lieberman betrayal, Democratic moderates attempt to even the score by throwing Ted Kennedy under the bus...with predictable results.

Hoping to shed the intolerable humiliation of being labeled a chronic underachiever by his teachers, Khaled hijacks his school bus and drives it into a portable office trailer.

"Just one more thing, ladies, I'm gonna need to get your bust measurements...er, I mean, telephone numbers..."

Best of David Simon
Who would have thought that a mangled school bus would lead to so much man-on-man, girl-on-girl action?

Best of Submariner
And that's when Jerome Bettis started singing ♪The Wheels On the Bus Go 'Round and 'Round♪ over and over and over and over...

DRUDGEBREAKING... Film in from Massachussetts at the scene of that accident. Details are sketchy at this point, but apparently, Senator Ted Kennedy (D - MA) had volunteered to give the group of interns a ride back from Chappaquidick... Developing...

Best of Van Helsing
"I told you we shouldn't have let Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore sit on the same side of the bus."

Best of Cybrludite
Eyewitnesses report that the driver of the vehicles which struck the bus was a kitten wearing a horned Viking war-helmet.

Best of jeff
Eh, it wasn't that great a ride - C-Ticket at best.

Best of Curly
“Yes ma’am, we’ll need you to tell us what happened and why that man is putting the moves on Patrolman Jones.”

“So this wacko said that he was Keanu Reeves, making SPEED 3 and would you like to be an extra?”
File Under: Wholesome Americana

I May Be On The Road, But It's Still Thursday

Best of Submariner
Jane was pleased with the improvements Tarzan had been making in the hut ever since she caught him with that Capuchin...

Ennui; when will you release me?

Next on "E! True Stories; Dirty Little Secrets" Ingrid Newkirk - PETA President and pelt wearing drunk

Best of the paperboy
Where've you been all this time, V the K? Gallivanting around with some alien floozie? Putting up captions with no pictures? I could get more excitement from the washing machine! I want a real man!

Best of Rodney Dill
Got Milf?

Best of prince of leaves
"That Irish rugby boy in the next picture...have him stripped raw, drizzled in hollandaise, and brought to stand before me quivering like a willow. He'll never want another elderly leprechaun when I'm done with him."

Best of David Simon
"Ms. O'Donnell, how am I supposed to clean your carpet vhen the floors are vood?"

Best of Mr. Right
Then Elaine paused for a moment... was he truly sponge worthy?

Best of Michigan-Matt
QueerEye caught up with VdaK in the Presidential Suite at Dayton's RedRoofInn and terrorized him for wearing animal skin without spiked heels. Phew. "VdaK won't be doing that again", promised the show's trannie producer in informing CaptionThis readers.

Best of Occasional Reader
'ow to speak Kennedy: "legislative assistant"

Best of Uncle Tim
Katiana was begining to suspect the big O in Overstock.com didn't mean Orgasm afterall

Best of Jonathan
Maureen Dowd grows impatient waiting for Sen. Clinton.

What The Hell, Dude?

I have been called out of town on very short notice. So, I did some random Google Image Searches and culled 10 images that should keep you caphogs busy for a while. As soon as I get a chance, I'll put up the 'Best ofs...' Peace Out, Bitches.

Another eHarmony Success Story

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan goes back in time to have sex with his Great, Great, Great grandfather, creating a gobsmacking causality paradox that negates his own existence.

Best of Citizen Grim
...apparently he only went back 5 years.

Best of prince of leaves
Bruce the Leprechaun was constantly having to explain to aggressive suitors the difference between "faerie folk" and "fairy bloke".

Best of Submariner
They're always after me lucky charms, but they always lost interest after I tells 'em I keeps 'em in me britches. That is 'til I met Andy...

So I stuck in me thumb, and popped out his bum, and Sully said what a good boy am I!

Best of Anonymous
Hey Frank, whats that old guy putting in your anus?

Best of jeff
"Dude, you got a Dell...employee...by the crotch!"

Best of Shayne
Ross Perot and Bill Clinton bar hopping after the 1992 debates.


Best of David Simon
NAMBLA presents Little Jack Horny.

"I've got a solution to the homeless problem. It's called a thumb to the trachia."

Best of Arcticman Speaks!
Former boy band member Phillup McCrack gives an enthusiastic Thumbs-Up! after dicovering a perfect fit in the denture exchange program with Hugh Hefner.

Best of Zeke
look i got it in the mail! it'll buy me beer in exchange for oatmeal!

Best of sonicfrog
The Dell Dude had fallen on hard times, 'til he met his sugar daddy Clive at the Caliphe!

First Day of Kindergoth

Thanks for the dolls Mr. Sullivan, but I still wont pull out your anal beads.
-The Man

11-Year-Old demon hunter Jack Blaloch found that enchanted stuffed animals were suprisingly effective prisons for the ethereal spirits of darkness.
-Citizen Grim

"The Church of Satan is working hard to make sure that all children -- rich or poor -- feel loved."
-prince of leaves

"I'm sorry if I seem disappointed, but I was really hoping for a plush Cthulu..."
-prince of leaves

Plush-toy Markos Moulitsas Zuniga and Nancy Pelosi dolls were very popular at the DNC Souvenir Store and Head Shop
-Submariner and champaignken

"No, it's not my parents fault - I'm just a screwed up kid."
-jeff

The first rule of Creepy Muppet Fight Club: you do not talk about Creepy Muppet Fight Club...
-Adjustah

“Mommy’s a suicidal Gothic and passed out on the couch. My dolls are monsters, my favorite movie is THE MATRIX and I sleep in that dog run over there. Can I have a gun?”

“You would think that having a rich step-dad like Marilyn Manson would be cool, but I only see him once a year and he gives me these crappy gifts”.
-What, me worry?

Suri Cruise Meets a Pack of Wild Dingos

"Can we keep it, Mom? Pleeeeease?!? We promise to feed it and clean up after it!"
-prince of leaves

"This oughtta show up that damn cat -- she's not the *only* one who can leave trophies on the doorstep..."
-prince of leaves

"...and so you can see why we named him Romulus..."
-prince of leaves

I don't know - should we eat it here or take it home to the whole pack?
-Submariner

Baby! It's what's for breakfast...
-Submariner

Man, Fang, I hate it how these lunches always come wrapped like this.
-sonicfrog

His parents knew that Dave would grow up to be a white rapper by the way he was always surrounded by an entourage of bitches.
-prince of leaves

Nanook's 24HR Canadian Baby-sitting Service ran into an unforseen, slight legal hiccup...
-Adjustah

Mighty Dog – Now with real meat!
-What, me worry?

Why They Always Go in Twos

In India they use the commode by standing on the seat and due to overcrowding, they sometimes double-team, for efficiency. -the paperboy

Rosie O'Donnell's Christmas card.
- Adjustah

Moments later, Krista accidentally tripped the flush valve with her knee. The girls would spend the next twelve years as C.H.U.D. sex slaves before escaping back to the surface world.
-prince of leaves

Of COURSE you can't get pregnant from a toilet seat... (at least if you only make love to a same sex partner on it...)
-Submariner

This makes perfect sense. Guys in High School used to do the Pete Rose in the showers, so now, thanks to CNN, girls can do the Kyra Phillips while on the can.
-sonicfrog

Scenes from the Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders Calendar: January '07.
-Dwight The Troubled Teen

The Shadow Fleet Massed on Her Head, Waiting for the Signal to Reclaim Z'ha'doom

Hillary and Barney Frank's interns looked forward to the Friday Night Twister competitions.
- The Man

The newest Broadway play - "Flinging Naked People At Each Other With A Ginormous Slingshot" - recieved mediocre critical praise, but it proved so popularly successful that it would become a regular feature during intermissions at Rangers games.
-Citizen Grim

The "Hillary Finds Out About Monica" scene from Oh Clinton! The All-Nude Broadway Musical.
-prince of leaves

Snakes on a Scalp.
-prince of leaves

"She was all over me...no, really..."
-prince of leaves

Adrew mused, "I hope Sprockets hurries through this part and gets to the guys wrestling in Ragu..."
-Submariner

Xlanthulza was confused to find that the males of this world did not carry their genitals on their back.
-the paperboy

Jimmy was concerned that Suzie might have some attachment issues.
-lawhawk

Lifetime hopes you ladies are enjoying "The Lorena Bobbitt Story as told throught Interpretive Dance" We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor - J.A. Henckels.
-Submariner

Smell this and guess where it's been!
-Submariner

"Only Two Things Come From Texas. Steers and Queers. So, show me your horns, Billy. Show me your horns."

"These People Are So Phony. Let's Go Back to My Place and Get to Know Each Other"

That Dog Sure Does Love Corn

The Dingleberry Retriever is understandably one of the less popular dog breeds.
-prince of leaves

Spike! Leave the Geico lizard alone!
- the paperboy

"Hey man, I don't have a toilet mint problem...I can quit anytime I want..."
-prince of leaves

While his owners were happy that Spike had finally given up on chasing the mail carrier, they were distressed with his new obsession with chasing the Tidy Bowl Man.
-prince of leaves

Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!!!
-prince of leaves

Spike has apparently witnessed Helen Thomas emerging from the shower
- the paperboy

Hey! Who flushed the punch bowl again...
-divine miss m

Next on Stupid Pet Tricks: A dog who can act out Trainspotting
- V the K

Because I Couldn't Find a Picture of Ted Kennedy and Sexual Harassment Panda, That's Why

So you substituted Lieberman for the Panda? That don't make any sense.
-Submariner

With the DNC supporting Lamont, Joe has to aim a little higher for endorsements.
-The Man

The late 90s were rough times at home, Joe tried to explain, but Connecticut voters weren't sure whether that justified deflowering a beloved children's icon in a Bridgeport motel.
-Citizen Grim

"I love you! You love me! Barney gave me HIV!"
-the paperboy

"Hey, now, it's not like you caught me hanging out with that *other* Barney, now is it?"
-prince of leaves

Joe Lieberman and Ted Lemont pose for a photo before their debate.
-David Simon

Joe Lieberman sets up a "blind date" for Ted Kennedy. Said Joe; "She's perfect! Foam rubber floats, even when soaked in alcohol..."
-Submariner

Joe Lieberman and the smartest running mate he's ever had!
- Dusty

Of course Barney’s a lefty Democrat: Doesn’t work; lures young kids into his home; dresses like a fag; appears regularly on PBS.
-What, me worry?

An interesting photo showing a creature from another era and Barney.
-What, me worry?

Not a single Sid and Marty Kroft submission? You disappoint me - VtK

Fiddler on the Poof

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but please don't pick your frined's nose with a violin bow.
-Submariner

Whose Line Is It Anyway? took a decidedly non-P.C. twist when they replaced their regular stand-up comics with Downs Syndrom patients.
- Citizen Grim

It's Pickin' and Sneerin' from Hoo Haw.
- the paperboy

Would you believe that a hour before this children's show was filmed, he was snorting coke off a hooker's ass?
-Adjustah

“Pardon me while I stick my sorry excuse for a phallic symbol up your nose”
-What, me worry?

Your boogers – My business.
-What, me worry?

"This Child's Blood Will Enable Me to Cheat Death For Another Week"

-"I have here a life-sized ventriloquist's dummy, made to represent missing Jimmy Danforth. Check back at 11, as we go through the lines he probably said to his kidnappers before they mutilated him!"
-Citizen Grim

That was a wonderful rendition of 'Moonlight Sonata'. Now, let's do 'I Touch Myself'.
-the paperboy

I thought I was entering the "Take an NFL Player to School" contest. Turned out it was the "Take a Smelly Pirate Anchor to School" contest instead and I won...
-Submariner

Does it make you uncomfortable when I touch you here, Adam? How about here, hmmmm?
-Submariner

"See Jonathan? Just smile and toss your hair, and no one will ever know that you read the cue cards wrong."
-David Simon

"What was Mary Kay Latourneau's crime, you ask? Why, let me show you..."
-prince of leaves

(snarled through fake smile) "Quit leaning away from me like I'm a cootie-carrying leper, ya little brat! I don't care if you do have scoliosis!"
-prince of leaves

Katie was sure she could get out of school crossing violation the same way she got out of her speeding tickets.
- attmay

Boys... or something ... will be... um.. little help here?

1. Tammy Faye sentenced to perform community service at a children's hospital? What were they thinking?

2. "I wish Mr. Jackson would finish with the other boys' makeovers and break out the Jesus Juice already."

3. "In 20 years, I am going to make some therapist a very wealthy man."

4. The Capitol Hill reception for the Japanese Prime Minister began with an elegant Japanese Tea Ceremony, and ended with Senator Kennedy smashed on sake, stomping around Sumo style with a rolled-up pillow case stuffed in the crack of his ass beating off like a caged monkey.

5. "Congressman Frank said you looked like a painted whore. Good for you!"

From: Brender

Mating Rituals of the MLB

1. "If you know a better means of exchanging long protein strands, I'd like to see it."

2. 'Inter-Racial Fart Swapping,' next on Maury

3. "We can't keep this up forever. Eventually, Steinbrenner is going to notice his two-headed dildo is missing."

4. ORA: The seventh inning grope is one of blernsball's most cherished traditions.

5. "Nike Butt Rubbers ... for the athletic gay man whose into safe sex."

6. "OK, Lemmiwinks, jump! You'll soon be over the border to Canada... and freedom!"

From: SI

Hot Babes on Thursday? What Are the Odds?

1. "Come on! Turn around and show us the Hammer and Sickle!"

2. That's got to be the most crowded 'Hooters' I've ever seen.

3. "We've been trying to get an orgy going, but everyone is in the grasp of ennui."

4. The best part about being a Clinton intern? You can go straight to your job at 'Hooters' without changing clothes.

5. "Surely, one of you has the continuum transfunctioner."

Best of jeff
"Let's see, who should I next lure into my affections... and then drop like a rock, shattering their heart forever?"

Best of Adjustah
Like, ohmigod! Did you SEE what that stormtrooper bitch was wearing?!

Best of Chrees
Arkansas football games also double as family reunions. Here we have the three Matthews sisters, who are also cousins and, in addition, related by marriage.

Anonymous
"When you mentioned Beavers, I thought we were playing Oregon State."

Best of Submariner
Da-amn - look! They're neutering Ugga!

Best of The Man
Arkansas mating call: "It doesn't bother me that we have the same Uncle".

Best of Silhouette
Arkansas fans could be excused for thinking this year's cheerleaders were just phoning it in.

"Dammit. Still nobody is paying any attention to us! Maybe if we make the skirts even shorter?"

This is from Sports Titillated. On a tip from 'The Man.'

Why TK 421 Wasn't At His Post

If you think this is typical of the female attendees at scifi conventions, prepare to be bitterly disappointed. Since I am pressed for time this morning, I'm just going to list ten lines of Star Spats dialogue that sound dirty when taken out of context:

1. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
2. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
3. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
5. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
6. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8 "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work." (
9. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
10. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

Best of Jonathan
"Having seen her naked, I'm off to the bathroom to 'fly autopilot with Hand Solo'!"

Best of Rodney Dill
The result of too much plastic surgery

Best of The Man
Gold Five to Red leader, I Lost Tiree, Lost Dutch. They came from... behind!

Best of curly
Despite all of the Penicillin treatments, Barbara still suffers from Revenge of the Syph.

Best of Jason
I'd like to storm her pooper.

Getting your hair done: $50
Stormtrooper outfit: $200
Nerds totally ignoring you for cheap Star Wars crap: priceless

Best of Submariner
C-3PO: "Sir, the possibility of successfully negotiating a sexual encounter is approximately 3,720 to 1."
SOTG: "Never tell me the odds."

Best of lawhawk
That's no moon. That's a Budong!

Best of Cybrludite
Thought Bubble: I gotta get me a new pimp!

Best of Adjustah
Santa! You got my letter! Thank you!

Best of prince of leaves
"Honey, those gigantic shoulder pads are sooo 1983..."

Best of sonicfrog
Geoge Lucas's attempts to keep people interested in the flagging "Star Wars" franchise has hit a new low.



In a weird coincidence, I also had to order a new ID card from my HMO this morning: Empire Blue Cross and Blue Shield.


From Here, (via Jonah and Instypundit)

Crazy Old Lady

1. "... once at the sex club, I had a c*ck in each hand while I deep-throated another one..."

2. "We must rise up against the oppression of the Patriarchy and then ... Hey, would someone tell that little Dutch brat to stop poking me?"

3. "No, you idiotic peasants, it's 'Duce! Duce!' not 'Douche! Douche!"

4. "Another underused adjective in speaking of Madeleine Albright would be ... pendulous."

5. Catching pigeon droppings in your bare hands takes skill and concentration.

6. "Come on, one of you men must want a free prostate exam."


Best of Van Helsing
"Xono, Zuwezet, Quyhet kesos ysgeboth Nyarlathotep! Menhatoy, Zywethorosto zuy, Zururogos Yog-Sothoth!"

Best of The Man
B-14. Come on someone has bingo dammit!

Best of prince of leaves
Though never shown on TV, Alice's spirit levitations were always big after-dinner fun in the Brady house.

Best of Submariner
Let's go sopranos - more VOLUME.

So there I am with the Ryan's at the Swap Club; I'm holding Jeri like this and trying to help Jack talk her into "the lifestyle..."

Best of curly
"This meeting of the American Women's Basketball Coaches Association is now called to order".

"Kobe! I'm open!"

My testicles -- My business

Best of Rodney Dill
"The secret to tasty Lamb Fries, is to snip 'em off high."

Best of the paperboy
Uh, VtheK? This is my birthday. Is this some sick joke of a chick that jumps out of a cake?

Best of sonicfrog
She's A Man Baby!!!..... Oh, wait, nevermind...

Best of Adjustah
Braaaaaaaaaaaaiiiins!!


From Van H

Uber-Cool Helicopter Rescue

1. "Wow! There's a huge amount of room in the back of this helicopter. If any of us were gay, we'd make a comparison to Andrew Sullivan's anus."

2. Liberal Democrats saw the pic, thought the US was at last pulling out of Iraq in shame and defeat and got so baked in the ensuing celebration that they didn't wake up until after election day, handing the Republicans veto-proof majorities in the House and Senate.

3. "What do you mean I can't bring hair gel on this flight?"

4. V the K is evacuated to a safe house to protect him from the wrath of Steve Irwin fans.

I respect the military too much to make too much fun of this. It's from here.

The Bug That Ate Detroit

1. RRORA: Xev and Kai determined that Detroit was not worth saving, and returned to the orbiting Lexx deciding to let him feed to his heart's content on the city's inhabitants.

2. Kwame Kilpatrick continues to deny rumors that he was paid massive kickbacks by the Insectivore people of Gloxborg 4 to let them feast on the city's inhabitants.

3. Baron Harkonnen's ornithopter then left Paul Atreides in the middle of the most harsh, desolate wasteland he could find.

4. Kwame Kiltraick continues to deny that he was paid kickbacks to store Canadian nuclear waste in a Detroit-area mosquito breeding ground.

5. In yet another short-sighted management decision, GM returns to profitability by renting out its employees' bodies as hosts for the larval form of the alien insect overlords.

Best of Submariner
ORA: Good fortune smiled on the Earth as Klendathu scouts randomly chose Detroit as a "representative city." One look and they knew it taking this planet wasn't worth the loss of a single bug's life and moved on.

"Jesse. Get on a plane to Tokyo and bring back Godzilla - Mothra's eating the Renaissance Center as we speak!

Best of Zeke
Lured by the promise of great plushy gangsters fashions, giant moths swept down from the frigid north to feast before the coming winter.

Best of The Man
All Your Slums are Belong to Us!

Democrats announced the 2008 DNC will be held in Detroit, making the mutant mosquitos the second largest blood suckers around town.

Best of sonicfrog
Eww gross! That one farted!

Best of What, me worry?
Why do you think it's called DEETroit?

Just when GM's prospects couldn't look any worse, they discover that what they thought were airbags on the assembly line were in fact the hatching eggs of gigantic dragons!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
It appears to be a giant insect attacking Lebanon... Let me guess: Reuters photo via Adnan Hadjj?

Best of the paperboy
From Hell' heart, the briney deep, and the airey height, I stab at thee! A four-hundred foot barb to the heart of the city!


I, for one, welcome our now insect overlords. I would like to remind them, that as a reporter, I can be helpful in rounding up other humans to toil in their underground sugar caverns.

H/T Divine Miss M.

And the crowd cheers as he is helped off the field

1. "He claims it wasn't him, it was his Goa'uld symbiote." (Gonna miss ya, SG-1).

2. You should have seen the look on his face when they got to the dugout and started the striptease.

3. "I'm the furthest thing from gay, but I'd still rather arrest this guy than She-hag."

4. "You got yourself in a heap of trouble, son. You shoulda known it was too soon to make a joke about Steve Irwin's death."

5. The Blue Jays were disqualified from the Little League World Series when their centerfielder was found to have lied about his age.

6. "Showing your navel is a violation of the MLB dress code. What did you think this was, a public middle school?"

7. "It's Giuliani time." "You mean.." "That's right, we're going to make him live with a gay couple while his wife reads 'The Vagina Monologues.'"

8. "Well, if throwing like a girl isn't a class II felony, it ought to be."

9. "Well, you may be a manager now, but when we get to jail, you'll have to decide if you're a 'pitcher' or a 'catcher.'"

10. "So I decked Roseanne Barr in the middle of the national anthem. What jury will convict me?"

Best of David Simon
Handcuffed by two hunky cops who then drank Pabst out of his navel. Yet another fantasy is crossed off Andrew Sullivan's list.

"This is baseball, twinkletoes. If you want to show off your navel piercing, take up figure skating."

Best of Submariner
Damn "Village People" will use anybody's uniform...

Barney Frank said; "If I can't have him, nobody can." and swore out a federal warrant...

Mr. SOTG; please come with us. We have a few questions concerning the whereabouts of your daughter's prom date...

Best of David Simon

Best of What, me worry?
Caught behind the bleachers giving head to Jay, he was forced to wear a "Blew Jay" shirt and escorted off the field.

"Let's toss him in the vat of ketchup with Dahmer."



From: Thportth Illuthtrated

Labor Day Vivid Riot of Red

1. 300 gallons of Heinz ketchup were a last-ditch effort to keep the relationship fresh. Unfortunately, the beagle drowned.

2. Rosie O'Donnell had a 'heavy flow' day.

3. Famous last words: "Croikey! 'Ow bad did that croc bite me this time?"

4. When the NOW convention erupted in a 'Wilding,' anything with testicles was a target.

5. Gus van Sant's commercials for Hunt's Catsup drover sales to new lows everywhere except San Francisco, West Hollywood, and Key West.

6. Nad Lamont and Paul Hackett face off in "Moonbat Deathmatch."

7. After the success of McPlayland, McDonald's added McThunderdome for older children.

8. Ang Lee remakes From Here To Eternity

Best of Submariner
My gawd! For ALL our sake, would someone PLEASE get the Shehag a tampon?

It.Puts.The.LOTION.On.Its.FACE.

Best of Big Dadd
"Always use a condiment!"

Best of divine miss m
"Now is ze time on Sprockets when ve swim in ze viscous vegetable matter."

Best of prince of leaves
At the Heinz plant, the tomayto/tuhmahto argument eventually devolved into an incident of workplace violence.

It was a messy job, but the outfeed pipe on the Soylent Red tank wasn't going to unclog itself.

Best of Cybrludite
This remake of "The Shining" keeps getting more surreal. What's with the gay couple in the "elevators o' blood" scene?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Into the blood, scum queen!"

So, I get what happens to the weather if Puxatwany Phil pops his head out and sees his shadow... but what happens when he simply explodes?

If your going to catch droplets of rain in your mouth, try not to do it next door to the slaughterhouse. Heck, that was almost Jack Handey-able!

"That's right, Domino's... Half sausage and pepperoni, half screaming white guys."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"The North Dakota Jigsaw Massacre" starring Phil Collins and Heath Ledger was destined to be a box office bomb.

Best of David Simon
"I knew that bathing in tomato juice would get rid of the smell of skunk spray Bruce, but I had no idea it would bring out the inner fag in both of us."

Best of sonicfrog
Ragu courts the gay market. Here is the Advocate ad for their Brokeback Marinara Sauce!

Inspired by curly
Did somebody say, 'McDahmer's?'


H/T: K is P

Hello, Mudder

1. The Young Republicans were accustomed to the debating tactics of the Young Democrats.

2. "Oh... that's where the fan was."

3. Olestra potato chips tested poorly with the 14-21 year old focus group.

4. "In retrospect, it was a mistake to wear white while taunting the monkeys."

5. "The old 'cherry bomb in the septic tank' gag never gets old, does it?"

6. After being felt up by a multitude of grubby peasants, the guys realized it was a mistake to visit Gay RenFaire.

7. They may have lost the mud-wrestling tournament with the girls CC team, but DVD sales raised over $214,000 before the FCC shut them down.

8. "Thanks for the offer, Mr Sullivan, but we're just going to shower. Please put your tongue away. No, you may not watch."

9. "Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey, chim-chim, chiree... We'll sweep out your chimney with our butts, yes-siree."

10. "Our community service project involved distributing soap and deodorant to hippies. Their reaction was more hostile than we anticipated."

Best of prince of leaves
The Jefferson High boys crew team faced doping allegations after rowing to a record-time finish. In a sunken racing shell. On the bottom of the river.

Best of Adjustah
Things got pretty wild in the front row of the Dave Matthews Band concerts...

Best of Divine miss m
Next time, I'll be Captain Fantastic and you be the Brown Dirt Cowboy.

Best of Straight8
The U.S.Olympic Backspackle team showed off their gold medal effort.

Best of curly
"I wish I could wipe you".

Best of Submariner
"Oh yes we a-are! We are soooo your 'dirty little boys,' aren't we? Bet you wanna help us clean up, don't you Andy?"
Life was difficult for Andrew Sullivan, 16 year old cross country team gear manager.

Best of Passionate Conservative
The Robin Williams fan club meets to reenact scenes from the famed actor's worst movies...

Best of Van Helsing
You don't want to be standing near Michael Moore when he lets a wet one and his britches blow.