Thursday, August 31, 2006

Thursday Babe - Wannabe

1. A member of the LPGA tour takes time off from her busy schedule to protest against Israel.

2. Pedro had had it up to here with Leon's "Identity Issues"

3. John Mark Karr joins an anti-Bush protest.

4. Another triumph for sex education in the public schools.

5. Ever since the botched abortion, Debby's hormones have been out of control.

6. It begins when they ask you to hold their purse at the mall. It ends like this.

7. Jimmy Carter's son Jack campaigns for the senate in Nevada on a pro-choice platform.

8. "Um, Dude. This is the anti-Bush rally. The pro-polygamy rally is two blocks thattaway."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Is there a "morning after" pill to get rid of stupid people?

"Jeeez David, all I did was ask you what that fleshy membrane hanging out of your dufflebag was... Take a chill-pill, man."

William Hung advertises the release of his strangely-titled new CD.

Best of Submariner
Son Of The Godfather said... Is there a "morning after" pill to get rid of stupid people? Yes bro; it's called a .357 magnum soft point...

Best of Silhouette
Debby hoped to earn college tuition by becoming a surrogate mother. Her appearance and her poor choice of business slogans, however, doomed her to failure.

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
Starting a dealership turned out to be a lot harder than Kyle thought, as no one made him an offer on his Toyota Uterus all day.

Best of David Simon
Just in case anyone wanted further proof that "peace" activists are pussies.

I guess that hermaphrodite didn't like my suggestion to go f*ck itself.

k.d. lang holds up a sign showing the name of her latest ditty.

Best of associatecontributor1
It had been two-weeks into his business venture and Fred was having a really hard time gaining any traction. Apparantly being a deaf-mute Pimp is not as easy as it sounds.

Best of What, me worry?
Signs of an overly possessive pimp.

Best of Adjustah
Hazing the exchange students was always fun.

Best of David
Jim protests the zoning restrictions that would prohibit him from opening a used book store in the whale uterus he bought on ebay.

Fake word a day calendar defining uterus as "privately owned tract of land" - $5
Gas money to drive your buddy to the Kelo decision protest - $27
Getting his picture in the paper - Priceless.

Best of curly
His business may indeed be Uterus, but it is a wholly owned subsidiary of Female Reproductive Systems Inc.

Best of the paperboy
Have you seen my girlfriend? She left me her sign when she went into the bathroom five hours ago.

Next time, do a little investigation before investing in a franchise.

Best of evariste
I'm sorry, Mrs. Garrison, but your vaginoplasty didn't actually include a uterus.

Don't worry dude, Uterus is still a planet. It's just Plato that they're delisting.

Best of Mr. Right
Yet another picture proving that only the most "attractive" womyn end up becoming hardcore feminists!

Moments later, Jeff's father would finally take him aside for that long overdue talk he'd been putting off for far too long now...

Best of jbinnout
Early attempts at advertizing for the new "Pink Taco" restaurant proved to be disappointing.

Best of CJ
The Illustrated Dictionary presents: whipped.
Hat tip: Van Helsing

The Thursday Babes

1. Second from the right lost several points when judge Ryan Secrest thought her sash was challenging his sexual Orientation.

2. "We've got the attention of every man on the beach... except that John Mark Karr guy who won't come out of the McDonald's Playland."

3. Match the Cap This Regular to the Prom Date. A.) Sumariner B.)SOTG C.) What Me Worry, D.) Dwight the Troubled Teen E.) Jeff

4. The International Clinton Intern Alumni return from fat camp.

5. "Thanks for coming out. The thing is, this isn't really a beauty pageant. We were just looking for a body to photoshop Katie Couric's face on."

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
Alas, there were six finalists before Miss France inexplicably surrendered to a bewildered life guard.

Best of Adjustah
Hey, the 2007 mail order Smelly Pirate Hooker catalogue is out early this year!

The Clinton Five-Pack.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hey, girl 2nd from the left (my left)... What country are you ashamed to be from?"

Best of Submariner
These are just girlie-girls. I want a real woman - where's the Divine Miss M and her mud suit??

Notice how the question "Who's up for naked Twister and Mazola?" only caught the attention of Miss Perv on the right end...

Source: SI

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Sharp Dressed Man

1. "Oh, no, they forgot to safety pin his mittens to the sleeves."

2. In a sane and rational universe, the jacket would be white and have sleeves that buckled in the back.

3. Weekend at Kofi's.

4. Christiane Amanpour lived for quickie trysts in the back of helicopters.

5. Kofi Annan being eaten by zombies? Thank you, God!!

6. The security guard from the Mervyn's fitting rooms are relentless in their pursuit of shoplifters.

7. "Why don't you ever want to cuddle after our three-ways?"

8. Even with a man-purse, no one will ever mistake Kofi for Jack Bauer

9. Kofi liked the smell of Tyrone's farts so much he gave him a full-time six-figure UN job.

10. I don't think Kofi is passing his sobriety test.

Best of Submariner
Note to self; "Flip Wilson + Sikorsky + linen suit = hurried change of clothing enroute..."

Actually Tyrone, I asked you to pick up a COFFEE on the way to work...

Best of andthenblammo!
"Oh, gawd, the Secretary-General is being attacked by invisible spiders again. Get the invisible bug spray, stat!"

"Well, Mr Anderson, you thought your heavy man-tan would throw us agents off your track? Your understanding of the Matrix is.....faulty."

"Book him, Danno!"

Best of Cybrludite
"Your diplomatic immunity has been revoked by the government of Ghana. Mr. Annan, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law..." (Then the alarm clock went off & I woke up...)

Best of What, me worry?
Kofi Annan had to change quick; his old jacket was covered with Nasrallah's DNA.

Best of David Simon
Talk about snakes on a plane.
Best of Straight8
Tighty whities? That's gonna get ya a sternly worded memorandum!

Source: AP Israel

French Troops Arrive in Lebanon and Raise Their National Flag

1. The Hitler restaurant was bound to inspire copycats.

2. "Yes, we'd like two jihad-burgers, no cheese, two-double-jihad-burgers, extra cheese, with martyr fries, and four large Pepsis."

3. "Tell Mr. Nasrallah we've brought the 'Medical Supplies' and the 'Relief Aid' he requested."

4. "Come on down to Crazy Hassan's Used RV's and Check out these insane deals!"

5. Michael Moore's new film debuts at the Beirut Drive-In.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Eh, Francois, let's see zem burn zis puppy."

Best of Anonymous
"I'll take the #3 special... yes, double burger... no, curly fries... diet drink... 72 virgins. No, don't supersize anything..."

The UN has been in Lebanon for 2 days and they have already surrendered.

Best of The Man
The UN has been in Lebanon for 2 days and they have impregnated 43 girls.

Best of Submariner
Veni. Vidi. Succumbo?

Nasrallah; "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wipers. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

Best of the paperboy
Driving around with a UN tank, a lawn chair and a big-screen TV was just one step closer to realizing Gene Rodenberry's world view. Damned Ferrengi still gotta fill the whole freakin' screen with their ugly mug.

Best of Adjustah
Surrender. Or, we'll say surrender again.

Best of What, me worry?
All of Uncle Nasrallah's vehicles were easier to spot with the new UN logo.

Best of Mr. Right
"Hey, Harry, I must say I really dig these new DailyKos campaign posters for the 2008 Presidential race, but do you really think he can win?"

Thanks: Ace

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Where's Pervo?

1. "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

2. "Nope, just brown and greenish brown."

3. "Dude, when Michael Jackson starts to think you're weird... worry!"

4. "Yes, I'll have a McSissy Burger with a pair of little girl underpants on the side."

5. John Mark Karr couldn't help but notice that the burly officer was often calling 'slug bug' when there wasn't a Volkswagen in sight.

6. "Hey, check out the chick in the Yasser Arafat tablecloth hat."

7. "I could have taken out Rita Crosby with the door, but, no-o-o-o-o, you said Stone Phillips was more points."

8. "Hey, can't a guy make out with his parole officer without you press vultures swooping down on him?"

Best of jeff
"John Karr - I must have you! Call me! Room 332 at the Ramada!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Unfortunately, the levees broke once again and New Orleans was immediately submerged under 9' of media.

Best of prince of leaves
Moments later, HAL vented all the air from the squad car, bringing the media circus to an abrupt end.

Fox bought Greta a whole new face, but Rita decided octopus-sucker transplants were more practical in her line of work.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
His career in wrestling over, Goldberg made ends meet by chauferring publicity-starving pervs.

"Mr. Karr, you have GOT to see the size of that crusty hanging out of your left nostril!"

Nice. Making fun of a publicity-seeking pedophile on the lam from Thailand. Read his story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Best of lawhawk
Rita Cosby: John Karr, you complete me.

Best of Van Helsing
"Something about her sleeve being caught in the door. How fast can this thing do 0 to 60?"

Best of sonicfrog
... just one more question. Why didn't you do it...

Best of Adjustah
He would relish these 15 minutes of fame when he was later imprisoned and married to the man with the most cigarette's.

Won't they ever leave David Spade alone?

Best of Submariner
Rita; "John Mark - have you ever experienced a REAL woman? Do you WANT to?"

From NRO

Q. How Do You Keep Your A$$hole From Getting Sunburnt?

1. "Greetings 'My Man' What is the 'Down Low' Here in the 'Hood?' Would you happen to be 'Chilling' with your 'Homies?'"

2. A parasol and a parasite.

3. The umbrella was a sensible precaution ever since Senator Reid almost drowned while waiting for his limo in a light drizzle.

4. "My work here is finished. Toodle-oo, losers!" -- If Mary Poppins Was a Democrat.

5. "Well, maybe if you had smeared blood on your mantle, your firstborn would have survived the hurricane."

6. Senator Reid is deathly afraid of oobleck.

7. "So, when the looting started, did you get anything good?"

8. "Yo, Homes. Where can a whitebread score some smack?"

9. "Sure, Bubba, I'd love to see your shrimp boat."

10. "Does Marcellus look like a bitch to me? Let me Focus Group that and get back to you."

Best of What, me worry?
"Say bro! Where'd you learn to dap like dat?"

"I digs da way you haves your ho holdin' your umbrella when she's not holdin your hairy reed!"

Best of The Man
Reid: Where is all this chocolate I keep hearing about?

Best of Van Helsing
Senator Reid prudently holds his wallet out of reach behind his back.

Best of Shayne
"... and you say you're an actual black man?"

Best of Cybrludite
"So, you shillin' for donations an' votes by tap-dancin' on the graves of 1,200 of my neighbors? Well, as you can see by my shirt, I'll be voting Republican this year. Maybe I'll vote fo' y'all nex' time if you ditch that cracker, Byrd...", and then Harry Reid woke up screaming.

Best of David Simon
"You sure is lucky you is white Mr. Reid. If you was a brother and you killed Patriot Act, you'd be doin' 20 to life."

Best of sonicfrog
Lightning strike now. Please Oh Please Oh Please!!!!!!

Best of Anonymous
So do we have a deal? I have never trusted this white girl and have always wanted an impoverished, black manservant to hold my umbrella.

Best of prince of leaves
"So, where might I find some of this 'lagniappe' of which you speak?"

"And Senator, be sure to have the stuffed green peppers at Rocky and Carlo's when you visit Chalmette later today..."

"Thank you for showing me the prototype of your new hurricane protection system for New Orleans, Senator...Gosh, is there nothing big government can't do?"

Among Nancy's many duties as Sen. Reid's assistant was to swat away the giant flying yarmulkes.

Best of Dusty
Sorry, I don't speak jive, but I do have my interpreter with me.

I'm here to arrange a New Orleans funeral for the Democrat party.

Best of Submariner
So it's a deal! I'll get you three cases of Colt 45 and you whack Dick Cheney for me?

Best of Adjustah
"Can I help you enjoy that Snickers?"

Best of Mr. Right
"Yes, hello, Senator Reid? Listen, I'm from the legal department of Traveller's Insurance Company and I'm here to warn you that if y'all don't lose the red umbrella, we're suing your ass back to the Stone Age!"

"Actually, I have found it is quite a bit more effective at deflecting Karl Rove's mindray than a tinfoil beanie..."

"Senator, I dig the umbrella, but someone needs to tell that assistant of yours that the hammer and sickle always should face front."

H/T: Timmeh!
Ripped from

Monday, August 28, 2006

How Could I Not?

1. "Me and Senator Rodham have an understanding. I work the MLB stands, she works the LPGA."

2. "I am so lucky that fool Ken Starr never figured out what 'Giggity' meant."

3. "Hey, Baby. How 'bout you let old Billy pitch at your strike zone for a while."

4. "Hold on, baby. I think Edward James Olmos wants me to pull his finger."

5. "A swan and a pig you say..."

Best of prince of leaves
Having already snared Emily, Clinton eyes her mother for a possible "triangulation".

Best of Submariner
Thought bubble; "Don't let a Kennedy give this one a ride. Don't let a Kennedy give this one a ride. Don't..."

Thought bubble; "Can't let Hillary see this one. Can't let Hillary see this one. Can't..."

So, sweety; you ever felched an actual president before?

Jessica - have you ever seen a naked picture of your mom? Want to?

Best of David Simon
"No sweetie, you don't open your mouth like that until we get to the empty locker room.

"You sure are different from my other girls, Candi. You're actually attractive."

Best of The Man
Cliff Floyd: Damn, Bill is working our groupies.

Hot Dogs, get your Hot Dogs here. Cigars...hand rolled cigars.

Source: SI

Nancy Botoxi's Makeover

1. "Oh, Barney, your work is fabulous. I'm going to miss you when you go to the Senate."

2. Flash Gordon's Arch-Nemesis Queen Botoxia and her zero-g hairdo.

3. "Would you like a martini, darling, or Harry Reid's testicle on a stick?"

4. "Them Capitol Po-Po's ain't never gonna recognize you with that 'do, girlfriend," Cynthia McKinney warned. "But, girl, I got yo' back."

5. In the reworked classic, the Wicked Witch lures alcoholic Hans and vegan Gretel into her oven.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I don't get it... Usually showcases photos that have been altered in some way...

Cruella DeFugly

Best of The Man
Pelosi: That is the last time I ask a Clinton what a pearl necklace is!

Best of Submariner
It PUTS the LOTION in its SKIN!

ORA:It's just one, little, mint...

The hair and eyes, Larry? Well, I regularly piddle on a house outlet to prevent wrinkles, but at the electric co-op it turned out to be a 440 line...

Best of prince of leaves
"The hair? Oh, it's just a side-effect of the life-force transfusion gets a little frizzy when the donor resists. Martini?"

Unacceptable Halloween Costume Ideas #345367

Best of Adjustah
Worst...episode...of Murphy Brown...ever...

The eHarmony blooper reel is always good for a laugh.

Best of the paperboy
The lovechild of Jennifer Wilbanks and Don King has been discovered.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Spinal Compression Risks Illustrated

1. "Game of chicken? No... turkey, perhaps... or ostrich?"

2. The Man Who Thought His Wife Was a Hat visits Warp Tour.

3. "Well, Doc, it all started as a wart on my ass..."

4. "Well, we're going to roll her in flower ... and you can finish the rest of the joke yourselves."

5. Forced by British Labor Laws to hire a wider range of body types, Goldfinger still managed to find female assassins who could still snap a man's neck with their thighs.

6. "Ssssh, we've got those Chinese businessmen convinced she's a giant panda. They'll pay $50,000 for her gall bladder if you don't queer the deal."

7. Roseanne Barr has trouble finding a fourth for the orgy.

8. Best of GOP & College
Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, you need to purchase two seats to go any higher than that...

Best of Submariner
I count 5 boobs getting their picture taken...

It puts the LOTION on my EARS!

Andrew Sullivan was dissappointed in the results of his websearch for "Shirtless Studs Sporting a Huge Package"

Best of The Man
WHOA Tammy... What did you eat for lunch?

Best of Six degrees of blondness
Like it? It's my new mode of transportation: a "Johnway", with a "Sidecar Bob". Steering is controlled by how hard I squeeze either side of his head.

Best of curly
Darleen’s bowel movements are always amazing! In this picture, her pile looks like two men!

“If you can lift me you can lay me!”

When Joe saw the eHarmony description stating “full figured gal looking for uplifting experiences”, he had something else in mind.

Best of What, me worry?
At the Gay/Lesbian Amateur Film Festival’s remake of MAD MAX BEYOND THE THUNDERDOME, Peggy Sue was the smallest woman that they could find to play “Master” and Jerome was the biggest man they could find to play “Blaster”.

Behind every successful man there's a good woman. On the shoulders of every drunken horny loser there’s a fugly biker mama with wild hair.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I said you'd look cool in a PHat hat, you idiot!"

Forgive me, Dr. Seuss:
In French 'gros chapeau'...
In Mexico, 'La Gorda' as a sombrero."

We call this photo: "Chiropractor's Dream"
Best of Rodney Dill
When Smelly Pirate Hookers meet Krispy Kreme.

Best of David Simon
"Is that a wallet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me, Johnny." "Neither, it's my hernia from lifting your bovine sea cow of a sister. Now hurry up and take the damn picture!"

Best of Cybrludite
#4 continued: ...but we couoldn't find a deep fryer big enough!

Best of divine miss m

Best of jbinnout
"Ok, now Laars, you grab her left leg and spin her 180 degrees"

Best of the paperboy
I've had a monkey on my back, but never a Gigantopithecus.

"Take the trash out! Put the toilet seat down! Put on some clothes! Get a job!" This bitch's been ridin' my ass all day!

Best of Tomslick
It's tough to say cheese when I just counted my 5th lumbar vertebrae slide out of my asshole.

Best of Dusty
When I signed on the help promote Rosie O'Donnell's joining "The View", I thought the pay was too good!

Best of Adjustah
It's so sweet to see Kevin and Britney renewing their vows...

Hat Tip: Timmeh!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

A Cat That Looks Like Hitler

1. Note to Pixar, just because you can make a life-like version of Maus doesn't mean you should make a lifelike version of Maus.

2. Lamb and Lynx loved their new kitty.

3. Chelsea tried to warn Socks not to become a member of the American Nazi party, "Didn't you see what 'happened' to Buddy after he joined the Greens?"

4. To the tune of the 'Meow Mix' jingle: ♪♪ "Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil... ♪♪

5. "Could be worse," Hitler mused. "Hirohito got reincarnated as a dolphin and served up as sushi."

Accelerated Best of Adjustah
Goebbels and Bits! Goebbels and Bits! I'm gonna get me some Goebbels and Bits!

Mr. Gibson! Mr. Gibson! We've found your cat!

Accelerated Best of Zeke
I can't believe they made me change the name of my restuarant

Best of David Simon
Ellen DeGenerate's Google search for wicked pussy turned up a major disappointment.

Best of curly
“So they finally declassified Pluto as a planet! That will show the pro-canine, anti-feline pigs that all dogs should die!”

Reuters use of Photoshop is really getting amateurish and out of hand.

Best of Anonymous
After many unsucessful cloning attempts in Brazil, Josef Mengele's South Korean trip finally pays off.

"Respect my authori-tay!"

Best of Submariner
After the break; Toonces' fame goes to his head and he enters his "dark period."

Best of Cybrludite
Yes, Mr. Bond, I was the one controlling that idiot Bloefeld. And know you know too much to be allowed to live...

Friday, August 25, 2006

White Feathers

1. John Mark Karr's last night in Thailand was a festive occasion.

2. "Idiot! Andrew Sullivan did not have a Yard Sale! This happens to be Barney Frank's wedding dress."

3. Open Mike Night at the Blue Oyster Bar.

4. Johnny Weir laughed, "Honey, they have yet to design, build, and fastidiously decorate the closet that can contain me."

5. John Mark Karr's drag revue featured exact, adult-size reproductions of Jon-Benet's pageant gowns.

6. The original ending to Brokeback Mountain was more traditional, and featured Heath and Jake voguing off into the sunset.

7. Unfortunately, the boyfriend went a little too far and totally killed Andrew's libido.

8. Her brain transplanted into the body of another unwilling host, immortal Carol Channing greets a new century.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Flip Wilson

1. "He's been like that for 45 minutes. WTF did you put in his Gatorade?"

2. "You can come down now, bro' Dawn's gone."

3. "He says he's not coming down until there is a marked improvement in the quality of Thursday babes."

4. "Jeez, dude, it's just a little mouse."

5. "She says I'm c-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-t-e!"

6. Where will you be when your telekinesis kicks in?

7. "Yahoo! I'm cuckoo for cocoa-puffs!"

8. "Cops are gone, you can come down, Leroy."

9. "Kobe's never gonna see this coming."

10. "Yeah, I was pretty happy the first time one of my caps made 'Best of...' too."

Best of Submariner
You might wanna try decaf for a bit, Leroy...

Best of prince of leaves
Blind as a bat when not wearing glasses, Leroy mistook the blue floor of the gymnasium for the diving pool.

Best of What, me worry?
This is just one of the many classes that you can take at the John Kerry Flip Flop Academy.

Best of Submariner
Germaine should have known not to make a "racially insensitive" comment about black women around Dawn.

"...and that's how I escaped from the third floor bathroom at Avalon Manor!"

Best of David Simon
Andrew Sullivan said, "I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers - especially if one of the crackers was me."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"OK, Tyrone, you win! You can be the 'Y' in our Village People act tonight."

Best of the paperboy
Nice. Turning off the gravity plating, and making fun of the guy that didn't bring his magnetic boots. Read his story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

♪♪Something happens and I'm head over heels
Head over heeeeeels!♪♪

Best of prince of leaves
Where will you be when your Rapture kicks in?

Source: Detroit News Photoblog/John T Greilick

Breasts and Stripes Forever

1. After the operation, the books were retitled as 'Where's Wanda?' and the title character became a lot easier to spot.

2. Tragedy ensues when Courtney Cox crosses path with a Code Pink protest and Cindy Sheehan sets her top on fire.

3. ♪♪ "You're gon-na make it after all!" Ba da da da... DA! ♪♪

4. ORA: Michael Iaconelli was about to lure in the biggest Large-Mouthed Striped Breast of his career.

5. A vacationing Andrew Sullivan was reportedly furious that the book title was obscured by "worthless boobage."

6. "Oh, I am SO late. I hope Ming Lee and the pig haven't started without me."

7. "We're walking, we're walking, we're walking..."

8. "Everyone in the office is going to notice this isn't the blouse I had on this morning. I have got to give up these nooners with Ronald McDonald."

9. Sven's Barber Shop increased business 90% when he hired live barber poles.

10. Courtney couldn't believe Nordstrom had charged her $500 for their cookie recipe. She could hardly wait to get even by emailing it to everyone she knew.

Source: Office Pirates
Angling of the Head Gear: Submariner

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Not Safe For Lunch

1. This performance piece is called, 'Waking Up Drunk in Hyannis Port.'

2. Inflatable Cindy Sheehan dolls are very popular in both the Lezbo and Hezbo communities.

3. Naked, filthy and deranged, Deb Frisch plots her next move.

4. That's what she gets for dating Tom Tom the Piper's Son.

5. For a Laurie Anderson video, this isn't really that weird.

6. Just remember, thanks to the Defense of Marriage Act, what happens in Massachusetts has no legal standing outside of Massachusetts.

7. The picture Ned Lamont's campaign doesn't want you to see.

8. We've replaced Bill Clinton with a dead hog. Let's see if his mistress notices.

9. Jimmy Dean wants you to know that all of its hogs are slaughtered under the most humane conditions possible.

10. Yeah, I never got Yoko Ono either.

Best of What, me worry?
Getting “porked” or getting “goosed” can mean different things to different people.

Where little Democrats come from.

Best of Silhouette
The Arnold the Pig story, next on E!True Hollywood.

Best of Cybrludite
Man, these Bjork videos keep getting wierder...

Best of Submariner
Next on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous," we take a look at Dick Cheney's hunting trophies...

Not sure about the bird, but I'm fairly confident that tis picture shows Garafalo holding Striesand at a "Boobs not Bombs" rally...

Monk took one look at the crime scene and had series of episodes.

Saturday nights at the Ziffel residence were always special when Billie Jo visited from the 'Shady Rest.'

Best of What, me worry?
Having captured the gay, lesbian, trans-gender and pedophile/NAMBLA demographics, the Democrat Party USA tries to appeal to the cross-species voters with this ad on The Daily KOS website.

Find John Murtha in this picture and win a free laptop!

Best of jbinnout
As worthless as tits on a bore? We are about to find out.

Best of prince of leaves
"Honey, I appreciate getting breakfast in bed, but I think the ham is a little under-cooked..."

Best of curly
Makin' bacon.

Ménage à trois, the San Francisco treat.

Best of sonicfrog
Inside Edition: Bjork, circa 2001, trying to decide what to wear to the Oscars.

Best of Adjustah
Butter sculpture swan: $1000
'Low end' Thai hooker: $200 an hour
Dead pig: Uh, ok.
Waking up at Hunter S. Thompson's house: Priceless.
Still trying to piece this whole thing together...

Best of David Simon
"Uh sweetheart, when I agreed to smoke your hog, this wasn't what I had in mind."

Finally, a David Lynch movie that I understand.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Welcome to Sprockets, and I am your host Deiter! Today we review the avant-garte Belgian film 'Farmer Miyagi's Lonely Housewife'!"

"Boy, those kids at the Kos convention sure know how to party!"

Best of Zeke
Hmmph This looked like a lot more fun on TV

Best of the paperboy
They say that women with small breasts compensate by putting fat on their thighs.

I Blame: Ace

Croc Tease

1. The Death Penalty got much more interesting after Florida elected a Bond Supervilllain as governor.

2. It tooks years, but Jenny eventually got sweet, sweet revenge for getting peed on in the pool.

3. Faced with declining membership, the Baptist church decided to make its initiation rituals more exciting.

4. Yawn. I am SO SICK of David Blaine.

5. After numerous lawsuits, Parker Brothers was forced to recall the home version of Fear Factor.

Best of David Simon
"Sorry Sully, but I have no intention of becoming The Boyfriend's matching luggage."

Best of Adjustah
"Hey. Can croc's smell pee?"

Best of Silhouette
Example #12 of why it is a bad idea to wait too long to clean out your pool.

"Using this mesh cage and highly scientific methodology, I will now prove the WTC towers were brought down by rampaging Zionist crocodiles working for Haliburton."

Harsh, yes, but he never had an overdue library book again.

"Hi, I'm Marlin Perkins. Welcome to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I’ll wait in the boat while Jim tags the docile creature."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Note to self: Do NOT enroll in Steve Irwin's biology class!

Best of occasional reader
My one request is to have crocodiles with frikkin' laser beams attached to their heads...

Best of the paperboy
Jacques Cousteau divers explore the secrets of Gatorade. Tonight on The Discovery Channel. 8 PM, 7 Central.

Inspired by the paperboy
It wasn't such a good idea for those Geico people to flush that lizard into the sewer.

Best of divine miss m
Sorry, there, Croc, but someone's been leaving dead mice on the doorstep lately, and it's unfair to profile only the cat.

Best of Submariner
Alfred was a choosy aligator; he only liked thighs. He knew he'd hit the mother-load the day that Cindy and Hillary shared the cage...

Best of jbinnout
Peter Pan try outs were canceled for the rest of the week, when the cage door suddenly sprung open.

Toque Cock: Brenda
Source: Yahoo News

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

OK, Racerboy, But Only Because You Married My Best Friend

1. You must be this big to ride Tom Petty.

2. Tom Petty warns his audience how big Stevie Nicks thighs have gotten since she laid off the nose candy.

3. "Kobe, up here, I'm open."

4. Tom Petty would soon learn that the lyric "You don't have to live like a refugee" doesn;t go over well at a Dearborn 'Solidarity with Palestine' concert.

5. Tom Petty loves you th-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-s much.

6. "Y-M-C-A!"

Source: Detroit News Photoblog - John T Greilick

Just In Case the World Ends Today

1. Just another day at Boston's 'Barney Frank Wedding Chapel.'

2. "Is that honey mustard? Mmmmmm."

3. "OK, stop smelling it and give me your guess... where has my finger been?"

4. Achmadinejihad misread Islamic prophecy, August 22nd is actually the day 2 imams come out of the closet.

5. "Lookin' For Love In All The Wrong Places"

6. Proving that nothing in Iran has changed since 1979, Achmadinejihad snorts a fourteen inch line of blow from the hand of his imam.

Hat Tip: Sondra the K

Monday, August 21, 2006

I love being fat in a wetsuit with birds! Rock On!

1. "Al, you're not Samuel L Jackson, but not even he could carry 'Birds on a Ferry.'"

2. "Yeah, they crapped all over me... and it's still better than working with Katie Couric."

3. "And every one is trained to pull my finger on command."

4. Just out of frame, the Morning Woodpecker.

5. "Dammit! Where's Tom Lehrer with that strychnine?"

Best of David Simon
Al Roker gets a job as a PETA spokesman when he tells Ingrid Newkirk that he loves birds - then loses it by adding, "especially when they're rubbed with cajun spice and barbequed!"

Best of DayngrGirl
Like a scene from Forrest Gump passersby heard Al saying "Popcorn chicken, fried chicken, BBQ chicken, honey glazed chicken, chicken teriaki, chicken dumplings, chicken soup, chicken salad..."

Best of Cybrludite
After the Voodoo hougan was through with him, Al spent the rest of his days as a zombi birdfeeder/garden gnome

Best of Adjustah
"Just a little, I'm not going to eat you...that's right, keep eating the BBQ sauce and mustard..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"mmmmm.... practically chickens."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Mmmmm...parrots! The other, other white meat! Get in mah belly!"

Best of Submariner
Onlookers were horrified as Al's low chuckling intensified into a cackle; "Matt and Katie, Katie and Matt! I'm the real talent!" Then he grasped each bird by the throat and slammed them together...

Best of the paperboy
Is it my imagination, or did this statue just say "Get in mah bellie!"?

So sayeth: MT

Slithering off into Obscurity

1. "What do you mean 'All the subtlety of a Puma ad?'"

2. "Well, ain't this a mutha-F***in' metaphor."

3. Skillful Use of Photoshop erased every trace of Samuel L. Jackson's early work in homoerotic solo Pr0n.

4. "Hello, Dr. Freud? You're gonna have a mutha-f***in' field day with this one."

5. "Hi, Ving Rhames. Yeah, I got the package. Nice try."

Best of curly
"Yes Senator Boxer, your twin sister is still alive. I merely have her in a mild choke hold".

Best of sonicfrog
NO! I WON'T "PLEASE HOLD!!!!!!" Mother F***ing Damned It! I knew I shouldn't have bought these things from Dell...

Uhm Doc..... Are you SURE you told me ALL the side effects of viagra?????

Best of prince of leaves
"Yes, is this the Trojan novelties product-support hotline?"

Best of Submariner
Uh, no Andrew. It ain't no mutha-f***in' CHICKEN I'm chokin'...

I don't care if it IS the best way to tell if it's poisonous; I ain't gettin' close enough to look at the shape of its mutha-f****in' eyes!

Hillary? Vince Foster - What exactly are you trying to tell me with this "gift?"

Let's see Bob Newhart top THIS phone skit.

Best of Van Helsing
"Hello, Doc? I seem to be experiencing side effects from the Levitra..."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"I don't know if it 'looks like a b#tch'! How can you tell if a mutha-f***in' snake looks like a b#tch?"

Best of Cricket
"You want the serial number?"

Best of What, me worry?
“What am I doin’? Chocking my mutha-F***in' chicken, metaphorically speaking.”

Hat Tip: DVM
Source: Entertainme Weakly

Red Rubber Ball Gown

1. John Karr's latest sweetheart picks out a wedding dress.

2. Because nothing says "Turbo-Slut" like a dress made of red condoms.

3. "Oh, Mr Glitter, it's beautiful. I can't wait to try it on!"

4. Dress, Check. Webcam, Check. Hi-Speed Internet Connection, check. Now, let's fire up the website, post on some pedo message boards, and I'll be pulling in six figures by next Tuesday.

5. "Con-stant crave-ing has allllways been..."

6. "It... looks, um... lovely... on you... Mr. Sullivan."

7. "Damn. I lost my job at Tchotchke's for not wearing enough flair. Now, I'll never save up enough to buy the red condom dress."

8. Little Vala eyes new Goa'uld body armor, next on Stargate SG-1 Babies.

9. One of R Kelly's former mistresses ponders the irony that Mexicans call condoms 'raincoats.'

10. "Thanks, but the johns pay better if you go bareback."

Best of Zeke
The condom dress was a huge hit with street walkers thru-out the world. And Lindsay Lohan

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
John Karr mused, "Da-amn! Hot Babe Thursday already?"

"...oh, that reminds me. Mom, can I have that funny looking ice cream cone now?"

Oddly enough, the dress was effective when used properly in 98 of 100 cases.

Mommy, I think your red Pumas would look great with this dress.

"Funny...the dress only comes in one size."

Best of David Simon
Joycelyn Elders launches her new kids' eveningwear collection.

Best of curly
"Look Daddy! Those are the same balloon thingies that the UPS man has with him when he visits Mommy!"

Best of curly
Fun at the DNC Anti-Family Carnival: Next to the aborted fetus ring toss booth stood the “guess how many condoms are on this dress”.

Best of Rodney Dill
"uh, Ma'am, you're dripping."

Best of Adjustah
She marvelled at just how pale Michael Jackson's skin actually was...

Best of Submariner
MS. Letourneau says that if you pick your boyfriend right, you don't need those for a few years...

Johnny Weir laughed; "Totally tacky, no gossamer, over-the-top obvious - I'll take three if they come in pastels."

Roto-Reuters/J.P. Moczulski

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Free For All, Come and Get It

Best of John
And we plan to rebuild the levies. Not with hay, not with straw, but with bricks....about yay big.

Best of Passionate Conservative
...and Willie Wonka is laying down on the job. I wanted New Orleans to be a Chocolate City by now...

Best of Zeke
And there floating in the water was a dildo this big... scrawled on the side it said property of Andrew Sullivan.

Best of David Simon
"If G-d had intended me to pick only one nostril at a time, why did he give me two index fingers?"

"Okay Ray, now when someone asks you how you could f*ck up so badly, you take those fingers, stick them in your ears and say 'la la la.'"

"No, my city will not be racially diverse. Chocolate is delicious; but when you mix it with crackers, it don't taste good no more."

Best of Dusty
If my IQ were expressed in inches, I'd be this smart!

Best of Occasional Reader
"I'm secure enough in my masculinity to be filmed against a pinkish-lavender backdrop, mostly because of my sheer size."

Best of curly
"It's George Bush's fault that my penis isn't this big."

"Yes, Mr. Sullivan, I know that my pearl bracelet clashes with the pink back ground."

Best of Anonymous
We had fish this big swimming in downtown New Orleans, and it is all Bush's fault.

... and in parting, I would like to leave one final reminder to Cindy Sheehan.

Bigger? Being a man of class and dignity, I won't feed into that stereotype. Last night, however, I squeezed one out this big.

You. No, you.

Best of Dave Munger
My finger's don't look like they're that far apart, do they? But in order for one to touch the other, it would have to first traverse half of the intervening distance. Before it can do that, it must FIRST traverse a quarter of the distance, and so on, ad infinitum. That's why local government shouldn't be expected to get rescources in place before federal government. Sure, it's closer, but all distances are equally impossible for objects to traverse.

Best of Rodney Dill
"So how big is dem snakes?"

Best of Submariner
What can I say? Dawn said this wasn't enough for her...

No shi-ite - the doorman at Avalon Manor - this big! I swear!

Hey, Ray; how big was the "sausage" they served you in that Thai resaraunt?


Americanans in Love

1. "The cop wanted to give me a parking ticket but you 'worked it out.' That's great! Oh, you got something on your Pumas."

2. "Parking meters make you horny? Hey, me too! Thanks eHarmony!"

3. "Rick, I'm pretty sure those burly construction workers were commenting on my fine ass, but if it helps your self-esteem, than go for it."

4. "The bloodstain by the parking meter? Oh, not important. On an unrelated note, if you had to ditch the body of a meter maid who couldn't mind her own damn business, where would you go?"

5. "No way, my mom always said 'nice girls don't do anal on the first date.'"

6. "Yeah, um, I kind of sold your car while you were gone. You don't mind, do you?"

7. "Aw, you didn't find the secret prize? Well, give me your other credit card, and I'll give you another hint."

8. "Ohmygawd, Jeff, you were So right. There's no rush on Earth like torturing and killing a homeless guy."

9. "I think it was worth the drive to Massachusetts, don't you sis, I mean, Mrs. Anderson."

10. "Can't... breathe... must... reboot... fembot..."

Source: Detroit News Photoblog/Brandy Baker

Friday, August 18, 2006


1. "FBI, Ma'am, I'm afraid I'll have to inspect your booty."

2. "Nope, no liquids, no nail clippers, just a mutha-f*****' sh*tload of poisonous snakes."

3. "I'm escorting John Karr back from Thailand. He'll need a kosher meal and a six-year-old to sit on his face."

4. "Sorry for the delay, Agent Flynn. A group of Code Pink girls were in the security line ahead of you, and our policy is to run them through the X-ray four or five times to kill the lice before we let them on the plane."

5. "False Alarm, Agent Flynn. The spikes on Andrew Sullivan's butt plug set off the metal detector."

Today Is S-Day

1."Damn it, Hillary, I don't know where you got that cheap-ass weave but you're shedding all over the mutha-f*****' plane."

2. Reporters on Bush's 2000 Campaign Plane hated it when Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell made them join in the snake-handling.

3. Jarnell begins to suspect that Southwest Airlines does not want his business.

4. Meal service on Air Haiti leaves something to be desired.

5. Note to self: Flight attendants hate being called "Waitress."

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Come Blow My Horn

1. "We've seen bigger."

2. "Nice brothel, got anything with pubes?"

3. Even less well-known than the 'Cincinnati Bow-Tie' is the 'Miles Davis Enema'

4. "Come on, I'm sure it will fit."

5. "This is gonna be the best Scientology wedding ever!"

6. "Ming Lee never mentioned she had triplets. So, how are you bastards?"

7. "Trade hats?"

8. "Hey, I'll trade you the trumpet for the strumpets."

9. "I just came here to get my horn blown... and to secure fellatio from a Thai prostitute."

10. "Me love Chuck Mangione long time."

US Navy Photo

Hat Tip: The Mensch

A Little Short on the Babe Quotient, but Nonetheless Entertaining

1. Low-Cost Silicone Substitute: Alternate Use #103 for Bush's Baked Beans

2. Since his heart attack, Clinton has had to lay off cigars.

3. Miss Arkansas is disqualified from the pageant for bra-stuffing.

4. "This diner only sells beans... but we sell A LOT of beans."

5. "This is weird and humiliating, but she is a United States senator and she paid in advance."

6. "These aren't beans. They're the testicles of all the men Hillary has emasculated."

Best of Anonymous
Answering the question, "what if Howard Stern was in charge of creating the in flight video demonstrating the new airline carry-on restrictions?"

Best of Submariner
no, No, NO! It puts the LOTION on its skin!

Post-mastectomy, Sandy tried many materials but found that Van Camps seemed to even out her appearance the best.

Katie Couric finally answers the big question: "What will you wear on the CBS Evening News?"

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
I got back in shape. I hired sitters. I even wore nothing but Saran wrap at the door. Charlie still won't touch me.
Then we got our German Shepherd, Prince. It turnas out that Prince likes pork and beans. I've been a happy woman ever since...

Best of Adjustah
Noone understood the direction producers were taking with the Bond Girls in Casino Royale.

Beans, beans, they're good for your heart,
Just open your top and lift 'em apart...

Senator? Senator Kennedy? Are you OK, sir?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Uhm... Sarah?... When we sing that little beans, beans, they're good for your heart' ditty, we actually mean when you ingest them."

"WHAT?!?... SOTG was left out of the 'Best Of' caps with that ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT 'Coolio' reference on the air-conditioned car photo?!? I think I'll protest by pouring beans on my nipples."

Best of The Man
Reuters pulls the photograph after it is found that the boobs and her teeth have been altered.

Best of Six Degrees of Blondness
"Boob farts." You mean you haven't heard of 'em? Give me about 30 minutes...

Best of nevergrewup
The new restaurant chain Beans and Boobs makes it's long awaited debut today. The new chain will replace the much missed Tits and Toots.

Best of curly
"How do you drive a hunger striking lesbo like Cindy nuts".

The dim witted pre-op transvestite had always heard her dad tell her brothers that beans would put hair on their chest.

Kentucky Cruise Lines cheapest singles fair combines all-you-can-eat bean buffet, an inexpensive escort and a bass boat for $49.95.

Best of T. Harris
Understatement of The Year: A Little Short on the Babe Quotient.

Best of Silhouette
Airline Screeners Training: Addendum #89. Passengers may try to sneak liquids or gels onto the plane in a variety of manners.

Best of Rodney Dill
When the rock opera Tommy hits the small time.

Puss and Poots

Best of racerboy
The downside of being Miss Boston.

Best of divine miss m
Our Lady Queen of Peace's desperate effort to boost attendance at its annual baked bean supper.

Best of Mr. Right
Beans, beans the musical fruit
The more you eat the more you... er, tit...
The bigger the tits the more you'll feel
So pour 'em on and make her squeal!

Best of What, me worry?
Joan knew that she'ld have to get kinky to marry into the Van Kamps Pork and Beans dynasty.

Best of jbinnout
"Yes, I think I'll have the baked beans with a pink taco on the side."

Hat Tip: Jonathon H
Source: Splosh

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I Shall Call Him Maccaca

1. For just a few cents a day, you can buy Democrat party operatives like Maccaca a life. Won't you give?

2. Journalists were mystified at the meaning of the word, until this photograph made it clear, Maccaca means 'dateless loser.'

3. "Oh, yeah, big boy, why don't you take it out and show it to me..." Lakweefa learned her telethon fundraising skills working for the Clinton campaign.

4. Maccaca denounces East Indian stereotypes from the backroom of his convenience store, where he runs an off-shore technical support hotline.

5. "AIDS Hotline... Mr. Sullivan, for the last time, this is NOT a dating service."

Best of jeff
Kayser returns to real life after Big Brother.

Best of Van Helsing
Maccaca... isn't that Bengali for "dweebazoid"?

Best of prince of leaves
In this scene from an upcoming episode of "Lost", Sayid flashes back to his post-OIF gig as an interrogation tech support worker. Little did he realize that he had crossed paths with both Analucia and the Others' "yurt warden".

Best of sonicfrog
M. Knight Shayamalan; The Early, Skinny, Smaller Ego Years...

Best of Submariner
Nothing to see here, folks. Just a bunch of Wahhabist airport fanatics plotting out all the Heathrow - US flights. Just move along...

The amount of back-office work in running a 7-11 frequently surprises the novitiate franchisee.

Place your orders now, sahib; the HSN "Smelly Pirate Hooker" special is running out soon!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Jamal turns away from the shameless display of elbow-flesh exhibited by the burkha-less infidels.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"I'm tellin' you right now, Sheniqua: if Abdul over there screams 'Allah Akhbar', I'm poppin' a cap in his #ss!"

PBS' experiment "Abu's Clues" may have had a chance, if Abu hadn't self-detonated the next day.

Best of curly
"Terrorist tech support, this is Abdrool...I understand your exploding vest failed to operate?"

Best of divine miss m
"I give you three, four, four camels for the little girl!"

Source: WaPo

What Up, Dawg?

1. College Sports, Human Sacrifices, and the way they would be if the Cult of Baal had become America's dominant belief system.

2. Richie was honored to play the part of both 'Hound Dog' and 'Teddy Bear' on the anniversary of Elvis's death, little knowing that the traditional fate of the effigy was to purified in the cleansing flame of the 'Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love.'

3. "Hey, why are you carrying me toward Fidel and Cindy and those great big... Hey! Hey-y-y-y-y-y-y-y!"

4. A neutered bulldog, how a propos.

5. Later, Richie's boyfriend would insist he assume the same position... and keep the mask on.

Best of The Man
The season premier of Prison Break shows how clever Michael Scofield is in choosing his hiding places.

Dog mascot meets "tossed salad man".

Best of Silhouette
I hope he's not wearing Pumas.

Best of David Simon
Being gang-rimmed by a bunch of college students while wearing a football mascot uniform. Sully was able to fulfill yet another fantasy.

Best of jeff
Another type of "Doggie Style."

Best of Submariner
Try as he might, UGA couldn't manage to lick himself - even after enlisting the crowd's help.

UGA wasn't impressed. Despite the advance hype, Andrew (black hair/white shirt) was only able to get 16 inches of the tail down his throat before he gagged...

Surely SOMEWHERE in the stadium there was a rough and ready top looking for a bottom with a bulldog attitude to mutual pleasure?

Just a bit more to the left and I'm gonna demonstrate what happens when the sh!t really hits the fan!

Best of divine miss m
If I'm ever tempted to complain about my job, I should instead be thankful I don't have to get groped while wearing a giant animal head and polyester pants in the hot Georgia sun.

Best of Van Helsing
A mighty gaseous blast soon put the Bulldog's attackers at bay.

Best of T. Harris
Keep lookin' guys, I know he's got a bone hid here somewhere!

Maurice Clarett resorts to subterfuge to finally get back on a football field.

Best of sonicfrog
Nope. Castro's little helper isn't in here....

Cap Tilt: Submariner (Also known as Grinderiner and Hoagieriner in some parts of the country) for this major flashback-inducing picture, for V the K also was a team mascot and wore a Bulldog suit in high school

Source: Sports Titillated.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Portrait of a C.H.U.B.*

1. "I wonder if the blades are cherry-flavored? Only one way to find out."

2. "I'm weak from my hunger strike. Throw some cheeseburgers and ice cream into a blender and make a smoothie out of them."

3. Sniff. SNIFF! "Jeff Key! Have you been pleasuring yourself with 'Little Al' again?"

4. "Look, Medea. If you use a little fan, you can just blow the smell of your farts into your face without having to bend over."

5. "Dude... like... have you ever really smelled your own body funk? I mean really smelled your body funk? Dude, I am so BAKED!"

6. "Mmmm, Now that's what I call a Fart!"

7. "You can have this one back, Medea. The blades keep getting caught in my short and curlies."

8. SNORE! "Oh, Hassan, yes! yes! Shoot your hot katyusha into my suburbs!" SNORE!

Best of Jason
As further proof of her anti-Americanism Cindy Sheehan unveils her 'french tickler'

Best of Submariner
Basking in the afterglow of an afternoon liaison with Rev Al.
I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that one...

The horrific results of being repeatedly dressed in a jack-o-lantern outfit at a child...

Pirate hookers resort to a plethora of diabolical methods attempting to seem less smelly. Do not be fooled! - Army boot-camp training video excerpt.

Texas heat wearies.
Secret Service prevents me.
Bush notices? No. - Moonbat Haiku

Cindy takes a little "me time" reliving over and over that time a cop actually, really touched her bare thigh when she was removed from the protest.

Best of Silhouette
"Phooo-wee, it is just too damn HOT for our flag burning today, gals."

Dog days of August haiku for CapThis! readers. (with heavy emphasis on "dog" days.)

Best of Anonymous
When the shit hits the fan

Best of andthenblammo!
*Please Note*:Using a K-59 RotoPlooger ANYWHERE NEAR THE FACE can lead to horrifying results! Please see attached picture!"

Thank you for buying the Ronco "Home Rhinoplasty Kit!" We think you'll be pleased with the result. Before starting, be sure to wear old, cheap clothing, and hold an old towel or some other cloth you care nothing for under your face, in case of minor bleeding"

"Yuk it all you want, girls, but my Ronco "Personal Wind Farm and DC Generator" saves me a fortune in D batteries for Mr. Buzzy!"

Best of David Simon
"I'll take the most action Momma Moonbat's love box is ever going to see again for $100 Alex."

Best of curly
What happens in the ditch stays in the ditch.

Best of What, me worry?
Like a vampire holding on to a garlic cluster or a Crusifix, Cindy's attempt to wrap herself in the flag proved nearly fatal. Resuscitation measures are ongoing.

It's thinking of what she's doing with her right hand that makes me a bit sick.

Best of Van Helsing
Overwhelmed with shame for having disgraced her son's memory, Mother Moonbat contemplates ending it all by plunging her face into the whirring blades.

Best of sonicfrog
It'll take a bigger fan to blow the stench of moonbat off of you. A much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, BIGGER fan!

Best of divine miss m
Quality testing the new Cindy Sheehan-endorsed Moonbat Body Odor Spray...

Best of Rodney Dill

Best of Adjustah
While resting, the She-Hag is forced to move the smell of its own farts across its gills.

*Corpse-Humping Uber-B****

Satisfaction Guaranteed

1. "Dr. Freud, please pick up the white courtesy phone!"

2. "Andrew Sullivan sent us a get well gift."

3. "It was the thickest one I could find. Barney Frank bought the last black one."

4. "Oh, Hugo, you know just how to cheer me up. Now, pop down to the gift shop and bring me some batteries."

5. "Why does this smell like Achmadinejad?"

6. "Wonderful! Did the doctors find the gerbil, too?"

7. The Broadway Version of South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut stars Jorge Garcia as Saddam Hussein and James Brolin as Satan.

8. "... and I WAS happy to see you."

9. "The spinal column of a pro-democracy dissident? Hugo, you shouldn't have!"

10. "A candle made of your earwax. Hugo, you really shouldn't have."

Best of evariste
I can't decide which is the biggest prick in the room!

Best of floranista
Fidel and Hugo celebrate after closing the marketing deal with Ronco for their new Scrimshaw Dictator Dildo™!

Best of Cybrludite
Hugo, deseo que sabía pararle.

Best of Submariner I farted a tremendous blast, and there on the bed laid my intestines! But thanks to my ingenuity and this pusher rod, I managed to cram them all back in. And THAT, Hugo, is why I'm in hospital today...

I must be getting old, Hugo. My Anal Intruder just falls out no matter how hard I clench my cheeks.

No kidding, mi amigo? On our hands and knees facing opposite directions and we both get pleasured?

Oliver Stone announced that he will remake "Weekend at Bernie's" this fall, but with a Latin twist.

Rectum? It damn near killed me!

Best of T. Harris
Now pay attention, Fidel, I'm only gonna show you how to do this one more time. Remember, to keep from gagging you have to breathe through your nose.

Hugo triumphantly screams "EXCALIBAAAAAAH!" after successfully retrieving the magic sword from Fidel's craggy anus.

Best of Van Helsing
"You'll want to have this on hand in case Jimmy Carter comes to visit."

Best of Zeke
See not just the lebanese can pose with dead bodies!

Best of Silhouette
Fidel thanks Hugo for covering his shifts at Target this week.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Nice. Making fun of a couple of aging brutal brandishing a shared elephant-tusk buttplug. Read their story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

"I don't remember that thing being used at my 79th birthday gala! Boy, it's funny what a few pitchers of sangria does to the memory...and the inhibitions!"

Auditions for the h0m0er0tic film "Romancing the Bone" have apparently gotten under way.

Best of curly
As Vladimir Lenin said: "The Capitalists will sell us the dido with which we will screw them."

Best of Chrees
"Does this thing talk?"

Best of andthenblammo!
"So, after the eleventh margarita, I talk Doofus here into sticking this Roman Candle in his butt and trying to aim the flaming balls over the fence into Guantanamo! The guards nearly pissed themselves laughing, and I got the whole thing on MiniDV; check out the video on!"

"No wonder you ended up in the hospital, dummy; this thing is wired for 110 volts, and you have 220 on this damn island!"

"Hey, consider yourself lucky, dude; every other drummer from Spinal Tap ended up dead!"

"...It takes two hands to handle a Whopper"

Hat Tip: RIP Ford
Source: Grandma

Monday, August 14, 2006

More Stupid Moonbat Bulls**t

1. The actual Wilt Chamberlain Memorial had to be much larger to accommodate all 22,000 names.

2. ORA: "May the Blessings of the Bomb Almighty, and the Fellowship of the Holy Fallout, descend upon us all. This day and forever more."

3. If Rosie O'Donnell ever converts to Islam, her burqa is waiting for her.

4. Traditional teepee of the Lakota Goths.

5. Then the hippies touched the monolith, and soon were shrieking and smashing each other with their bongs.

6. "Good, the condom is ready," Andrew Sullivan rubbed his hands together. "Now, to find my Cinderella."

Best of Shayne
While New York's Freedom Tower promises to be awe-inspiring, Newark's Fuque Tower was just sad.

Best of racerboy
Oh, Sully - is that a 25 foot tall inflatable butt-plug on your trailer or are you just happy to see me?

Best of The Man
World's Largest #2 pencil tip. Awesome.

Best of Jay Guevara
Speculation raged about the size of the dog responsible for the mess on the sidewalk.

Best of Jason
George Washington Carver finally gets his own monument.

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: "Flesh to touch! Flesh to burn! Don't keep the Burqa Man waiting!"

You couldn't have asked for better weather for this year's Stop Male Genital Mutilation weenie roast.

Performance artist Freedom Rainbow's "Oil Penis" installation was intended as an allegorical representation of the juxtaposition of the lust for oil with sublimated male sexual inadequacies to which many on the left attribute the Bush regime's aggression in the Middle East, but the message was a bit too subtle for the other residents of Camp Casey 2006.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The Muzzies have their Borg Cube at Mecca...The Moonbats have their Giant Black Dildo at Crawford.

Best of Submariner
Dammit Rev. Al! Just think of baseball or doing your taxes or something - you're distracting the rubes from my "Camp Casey" message.

Hello, Orkin man? I've got a little termite problem...

Stanford security had a time of it trying to keep onlookers away from the solid graphite booster for the annual Cal game prank.

Best of T. Harris
"Now don't freak out on me, Lyle, when the guy wearing the fake bomb belt busts through the crowd screaming "Allahu Akbar!" It's all part of the show."

Best of curly
After a night of drunken debauchery, the Jolly Green Giant's used condoms littered the landscape for miles.

Best of divine miss m
I see the people who built the anti-apartheid shanty on the U of M diag haven't learned anything about construction techniques since 1987.

Hat Tip: Lizard Minion, from this Smelly Hippie Website

Another Day, Another Insane Moonbat "Peace" Rally

1. Whitney's guards had orders to "shoot to kill" if Bobby got anywhere near her blow.

2. "Man, Tyrone... Lakweefa and Shanene are gonna be pissed when they see what we did to their Donna Karan originals."

3. "Dammit, Ibrahim, I wish I knew how to start you."

4. "Well, it's still a few months 'til election day. I hear Mugabe's got some openings. Think McKinney will at least give us recommendations?"

5. "In the unilikely event of a water landing, a communist thug can be used as a floatation device."

6. Casual Fridays with Green Helmet guy.

7. "Hey, Submariner." "Yeah, SOTG?" "I'll give you $20 to walk up to those guys and tell them you're from the CIA and you want to push crack in their neighborhoods."

8. "Commie Muslims? Whazzhou talkin' 'bout, Willis!"

9. Avalon Manor posted extra guards as the threat level was raised from Lavender to Cerise.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"All your crossing guards are belong to us."

Nice. Making fun of mentally challenged Muslim men in life preservers who can't locate their boat. Read their story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

This week on Interesting Matchups We'd Like To See:Nation of Islam vs. Inflatable Scrotum Guy

Best of Submariner
Happily, Karl Malden and Michael Douglas flew down the hill and through the crowd a moment later, ending the protest.

Just remember Abdul; what happens in San Francisco, STAYS in San Francisco...

Ford and Arthur didn't blend in well on Sol 7251. The Guide was apparently seriously out of date on it's information. At least they still had their yellow towels...

As the protester yelled that he "...really WILL blow myself up!" The police only mumbled the obligatory "no. stop. you shouldn't." but with little volume and absolutely NO enthusiasm.

Best of curly
Abdrool and Ahktooey look apprehensive about the make over they received from the "Queer Eye For The Black Moslem Guy" team.

Although neither could count that high, both Abdrool and Ahktooey knew that 72 virgins "was a whole bunch of ho's."

The "Death to America" march came to an abrupt halt as the brothers passed a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"I don't know, Efraim. I mean, duck hunting with Cheney? What were you thinking?"

Best of Jason
As you can see SOTG and submariner are hardcore Blind Melon fans.

Best of David Simon
"You two finished your ribs half an hour ago. Now take off them silly looking bibs."

Best of prince of leaves
The newest members of Detroit Metro's ground handling crew were just two more All-American boys from Dearborn. And no one was allowed to think otherwise.

Best of T. Harris
That's right, bitches. Your yellow vests go splendidly with your yellow spines.

Thanks to Zombie, The Jane Goodall of Urban Moonbats

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Big Blow

1. Andrew Sullivan's Google Search for "Man Blowing Giant Horn" yielded only this.

2. After George Soros's money ran out, Air America resorted to depserate measures.

3. RealAudio, the early years.

4. ... and then, Howard Dean woke up.

5. "It PUTS the LOTION on its SKIN!"

6. "Bush IS Hitler! He supports ISRAEL because he's a NAZI!" Being one of the voices in Michael Moore's head was a full-time job.

7. Unfortunately, all SETI ever picked up was this guy.

8. People unclear on the concept: Beer Bongs

9. Robin Williams grew paranoid. "Keep the guy away from MY COCAINE!"

Best of prince of leaves
ORA: Dr. Ferris was pleased with the Project X prototype, even if it was only able to knock down a cardboard dollhouse.

But before he could sound reveille on the new horn, Lt. Schmidt tragically pointed it into the wind, and the ram-air effect inflated his head to the size of a barrage balloon.

Best of Jonathan H
"Attenfion: The smelly pirate hookers will arrive at 1400 hours. Please assemble in the mess tent for splosh at that time. Thank you."

Best of Son Of The Godfather

Zell Miller's description of the spitwad Army becomes a reality.

"Well, I hate to toot my own horn, but here goes..."

"Yo, Army dude... You know any Herb Albert?"

Best of Submariner
Unfortunately for Pat's career, he also blew a mean skin flute after hours.

This isn't "Company B" and I don't "do boogey-woogey!"



Best of curly
The Army's new $10,000 hardened EMP (electro-magnetic pulse) proof PA system.

Best of Jason
The Army unveils its plan to get Cindy Sheehan to shut the eff up.

Best of the paperboy
If you want to capture someone's attention, whisper.

Hat Tip: Mayo on Sun, and Lileks

Friday, August 11, 2006

$1,400 to Fix the AC? Screw you!

1. Before the DeLorean, Dr. Emmett Brown went through a few prototypes.

2. After the terrorists hit Sears, all kinds of things were embedded in vehicles in the parking lot.

3. Do-It-Yourself Cryogenics.

4. What the Batmobile looked like after Bruce Wayne got caught up in the Enron scandal.

5. Hey. Leopard-Skin Jackets require a little extra 'oomph' in your pimpmobile's AC.

Best of David Simon
"The bad news is that GEICO cancelled my auto insurance after hurrican Katrina. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my air conditioning."

"Dear, I suspect our daughter is doing it in the back seat too, but don't you think your surveillance equipment is a tad, um, obvious?"

Best of evariste
When "Pimp My Ride" Goes Wrong

Best of Cybrludite
Who air-condition Bartertown?

Best of racerboy
That's gotta be the first time I've seen duct tape and bungees actually increase the value of a hoopty! Props!

Of course, the reason the generator's so big and bungeed to the trunk lid is 'cause it's ALSO providing power for the fridge full of MD20-20 in the trunk!

I got ya frikken hybrid luxury vehicle right here, Mutha fu@*a!

Best of divine miss m
(Standard cap. #477:) "I'm here to pick up your daughter for the prom..."

Best of Rodney Dill
DRUDGEBREAKING: Britney Spears purchases a new home. Developing...

Best of Silhouette
"America, what a country! Just a few months ago I was a poor African with a battery on my head."

Best of GOP & College
Who needs good looks when you've got redneck engineering!

Best of prince of leaves
After having been forced to resign in disgrace after Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans' levee engineers have found a new line of business.

Bumper sticker: "My Other Car is a Mercedes With a Gas-Powered Ceiling Fan."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Nice. Making fun of a pimp trying to cool himself from Bush's global warming machine. Read his story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

Best of Adjustah
Times were tough for the Ghostbusters...

Best of Submariner
Times were difficult, but still, somehow, Huggy Bear managed to survive.

Best of Mr. Right
"In business news: Good Humor announced drastic cost-cuts for the 3rd quarter today..."

Lid Slant: Divine Miss M

My Captions Are Still More Accurate Than Reuters

1. Adnan Hajj's career as a wedding photographer was cut short when they groom angrily demanded to know "Who photoshopped big hooters onto Wife #3?"

2. Driver's License photos and the way they would be if the ACLU had its way.

3. Nice. Making fun of a short-order cook photographing some Ninjas. Read their story. Educate yourselves. Morons.

4. "Of course we're voting for Lamont. Death to the Jew Lieberman!... um, we mean, 'Our nation is stronger when we negotiate with our enemies.'"

5. Puma ads in the Middle East are toned down to respect cultural norms.

6. "Say... 'Allahu Akhbar!'... but don't pull the trigger, yet."

7. The BBC welcomes its latest crop of interns.

8. Prom pictures at Dearborn's Fordson High School (a.k.a. "Hezbullah High")

9. "Thanks for letting me take your picture. Of course, you'll all have to be honor-killed now."

10. "OK, I'll let you girls get to the stoning, but I still don't see what the big deal about saying 'Jehovah' is. ... Ow! ... Ow! ... Ow! ... Ow!"

Best of Submariner
Welcome to the new fall line by Hefty®.

New NYT staffers get their pictures taken for their City Desk credentials.

The ladies were scandalized that Ibrahim's white robe parted. Of course, then he had to kill them...

Best of David Simon
What happens in Mecca, stays in Mecca.

"Hurry up and take the picture Abu. You're going to make me late for my cliterectomy appointment."

Best of prince of leaves
Omar saw the five men on their way to the Lord of the Rings convention, and just had to stop them for a picture.

Tall one's thought bubble: "Oh great, my trainer was showing! Now this smutty picture's gonna be on every up-burqa site faster than you can say muttaween..."

"Hey Mohammed, is that a roll of film in your dishdasha, or are you just happy to see us?"

Best of Silhouette
Years later, flipping through the family album, everyone would comment on how much the cousins looked alike.

Best of Adjustah
"Welcome to London, here, have a passport..."

Best of Frank IBC
A few seconds later, Adnan would be startled to feel the heat of Andrew Sullivan's gaze on his "power gams".

Best of curly
The Arab chapter of NOW (the National Organization of Wahabbiast) poses for a group picture.

Find Michael Jackson in this picture and win a free laptop!

Best of Six Degrees of Blondness
OK, one more picture then back to the sandcrawler. We've got some droids to sell.

Best of divine miss m
Victoria's Secret's grand opening in Riyadh -- complete with live models -- proved to be a scandalous affair.

Best of Big Daddy
"you know how I know you're gay? have no panty lines."

Best of Anonymous
"Damn it," thought Jack Bauer from underneath his burkah, " I have got to get that camera before those two guys in red!"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Hey, Ibrahaim: Fat guy in a little robe! Fat guy in a little robe!"

Hat Tip: Divine Miss M

Thursday, August 10, 2006

A stain on my soul

1. "Do I get the internship, Senator Clinton?"

2. "So,what'd'ya say, now, coach? Does Billy start at quarterback this season?"

3. "But ... I'm not a tranny." And then, Andrew Sullivan woke up screaming.

4. "But... Barney Frank always swallowed."

5. Nina Burleigh thanks Bill Clinton for keeping abortion legal.

6. With a little extra effort, it *is* still possible to get a 3.5% Adjustable Rate Mortgage.

Best of Cybrludite
A dramatic re-enactment of Mike Wallace's views of Iranian President Ahmadinejad as expressed on Hannity's radio show.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
♪ So here's to goo, Mr. President,
Monica loves you more than you will know...
That skanky ho...
a ho ho ho... ♪

Cool slogan #452:"Puma: When you need to get ahead."

Is the ad for "Puma", or for 7-11's "Big Gulp"?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Applying pressure to that area ain't gonna help, hon. He ain't leaking from there.

Puma: only for when you want to get there fast.

Best of Submariner
Andrew sniffed; "I can do better and I have more sense than to wear lace with plaid!"

Thanks, babe; but you didn't have to spit on your thigh...

Jennifer Love Hewitt wins her next part.

Best of Chrees
"Sorry Posh... David's still going to be dropped from the squad."

Best of Adjustah

Best of curly
"You'll have to liquids on the plane."

Best of GOP & College
Jimmy knew his brunette date was actually blonde when she didn't know that the pants had to be *down* for this task.

Best of Rodney Dill
"That's a double dribble." (Well, Kobe saw she was open... - V)

H/Tip: Timmeh, who apparently lurks around places like this

Welcome to Thursday

1. ♫ Three little maids from school are we...♫

2. Enjoy it while you can, babes. This beach goes Muslim in next week.

3. 'Ow to speak Clinton: Intern pool.

4. "That was brilliant, slipping 80cc of horse tranq into Hef's morning enema. Now, we've got the whole day to ourselves."

5. "You know, it's just not the same without my brother peeing on me."

Best of Adjustah
K'Fed' wondered how he was going to keep this from showing up on his Amex statement...

Best of curly
"Isn't it amazing how we lined up in descending order from the biggest boobs to the smallest?"

Best of lawhawk
I dream of Jenna in triplicate.

Best of divine miss m
Submariner must be eagerly awaiting high tide!

Best of prince of leaves
Mermaid beachings were just one more sign of the deadly effects of global warming.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Boys, grab the forensics kits... Looks like we had three more cases wash up in Aruba."

We call this photo "Son Of The Godfather's backyard when that Lotto ticket finally hits."

One liners that won't get you laid:"Hey, you girls must be chores, cuz your on my To-do list!"

Best of Submariner
High tide at last!!! Hold all calls...

Girl on the right; "Check out the action directly above me, but watch you don't get squirted in the eye!"

Source: John T. Greilick, Detroit News Photoblog

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Puppets and Jerks

1. Glenn Greenwald prepares to surf the blogosphere.

2. Two men with their elbows buried that deep and neither one is Andrew Sullivan? That's unusual.

3. Grown men who play with puppets; a key component of the Ned Lamont base.

4. "At Neverland, he insisted we use a real boy and a live Koala."

5. "I'm sorry, Mr. Koala won't give you a kiss. He hates you."

Best of David Simon
I'd be willing to bet that these masters also play with each other's meat puppets.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Isn't there some law about sexually abusing Muppets?...
Oh Miss PIIIIIIIggyyyy!... Come out, come out, wherever you are!...

Man-puppet to Koala-puppet: "Binky, I know this is very difficult for you... but could you show us where he touched you?..."
Koala-puppet to Man-puppet: "Dude, grab a clue... This guy behind me ain't no proctologist!"

"If you slice the vein right here lengthwise instead of across, it'll work faster and there'll be less pain."

Best of Mr. Right
PUPPET ON LEFT: "Hi! I'm Ned Lamont! Have you met my friend Markos Moulitsas yet?"
PUPPET ON RIGHT: "Yeah! He's so cool! By the way, I'm the new symbol of the Democrat Party, Screwball, the Commie-Red Lemming with the Yellow-Belly, and this is my good friend, George Soros!"

Best of Chrees
"As Larry's right-hand man, I'm very busy at times."

Best of Van Helsing
The Enumclaw puppet show quickly deteriorated.

Best of Adjustah
By 2027 Zack and Screetch were, basically, unemployable.

Best of lawhawk
Behind the scenes at the UN Security Council when John Bolton isn't around.

Best of curly
"OK...I'll be Dick Cheney, puppet master of President Bush; you'll be Iran's President Ahmadinejad, remotely controlling your Hezbollah dogs."

Best of sonicfrog
Eric Alterman to Paul Begaula: "One more time... (chuckles) Which one of us is Hezbollah and which is the Jew??? Oh shit man! I'm sooo high!!!"

Best of Submariner
Spread a little Preparation H on his forhead and we'll see if I lose this burning and itching sensation...

NPR has never quite understood that they are only an audio medium...

From: The BBC or something.

Can You Hear Me Now?

1. Nad Lamont supporters revel in their victory and prepare to make pyramids of the skulls of moderate Democrats.

2. Screw Verizon! I want these guys for my network.

3. "Hi, Captain sweetie. Mr. Sulu here. I'm going to stay on this planet and absorb some local culture. Okay, toodles."

4. "Some guy named Andrew wants to know if we'd ravish him in a manner reminisent of Genghis Khan."

5. In 2009, the last of the teen Goths were slaughtered by the teen Huns.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
From the speakerphone: "KHAAAAAAAAN!"

Looks like Dell is still outsourcing their tech support.

"Yes, that's right... tee hee... Two large, double cheese, half pepperoni, half sausage... tee hee... uh huh... yup... to the upper Kapwa mountains in Mongolia... Yes, you heard right... tee hee..."

Best of Cybrludite
So, if you skinny-ass Renfield wannabes are Goths, where were you when WE sacked Rome?

Best of The Man
Dude, Ahksha says your vest makes you look gay.

Dammit! Andrew Sullivan again. That is the last time I give my number out at YearlyKos.

Best of jeff
"Hey, check out the Thursday Babe on 'Caption This!'"

Best of Chrees
"It's my dad. He says make sure we get it straight this time: Kill the men and rape the women."

Best of divine miss m
"You're right, that is fun. Dial again and this time ask for 'Heywood Jablome'."

Best of nevergrewup
"And you say her name is Hillary."

Best of prince of leaves
Exchange students Timur and Temujin dressed a little funny, but they had just the lacrosse skills the coach was looking for.

Mongolia was the last place anyone expected to find the Lost Tribes of Israel, let alone the Third Temple.

"Dude! This cellphone keypad looks just like my vest!"

Best of Mr. Right
ON PHONE: "You gawdamn Mongorians! Stay away from my schitty wall!"

"Yo! Genghis, dude! Kublai, duuude! You guys stay right there, me and Bill will be right over after we pick up So-crates and Lincoln at the mall! Whoa! This book report is gonna be sooo bitchin'!"

"It some guy named John Kerry. He say he want us to rape the countryside of South Vietnam or something. What a loser!"

Best of Van Helsing
I took from a guy calling himself Jack Bauer. He says it never needs charging, detonates bombs, and lets you travel through time.

Best of curly
The new Mongola-rota cell phone: "Can you spear me now"?

"Technology is great! We can do our gay marriage here-and-now by speaker phone to a justice of the peace in San Francisco."

Best of Submariner
Kind of expensive, but I get to roll-over all the minutes I can never use!

Only $249.95 for this Korbamite device, eh? You been had by that pointy-eared one...

Best of Submariner
Submariner and SOTG scan potential prom date applicants for Rodney Dill.

Best of Adjustah
"You idiot! Gun's! It say's meet them after school, they need GUN'S!!"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Man PUMA ads are sweet."

Hat Tip: Brender