Monday, July 31, 2006

Monochromatic Monday

1. "Of course, I respect you! Doesn't every 80 year old rich guy who bangs a twenty-year old broad respect her?"

2. "Somebody get rid of that Serling guy and his hipper-than-thou monolog, I'm trying to score here."

3. Where will you be when your V1@GRA kicks in?

4. Some women enjoy being asked, "What are you lookin' at, sugar-tits?"

5. "Just let me finish my bottle of absinthe and we'll go for a ride in my horseless carriage."

Best of Zeke
You know straight men tend to look at the woman they plan on banging.

Best of prince of leaves
After leading a revolution in lifestyles, Hugh Hefner is now leading a revolution in medicine as the first human trial subject for Extra Strength Liquid Vi@gr@.

"It's okay, Hugh...it happens to all men now and then."

Best of David Simon
"Hey pops, if you're going to bang me, I think I'm the one who needs to get drunk."

Best of sonicfrog
God! I am sooooooooo sick of Joseph Wilson and Valerie Plame. Just go away, would you!

Best of Cybrludite
"I do not avoid women, Mandrake, but I don't deny them... my essence."

Best of Submariner
Ennui, when will you release me?

Eagle's Nest, this is Eagle 1. This one ain't doin' it for me. Send in a busty redhead. And NOT that one with the Snatch-brand cigarettes like last time...

Best of cj
The classic Snatch brand cigarette ads were a lot classier than the new 'edgy' ones.

Best of Rodney
"OK, I understand the medical advice if it lasts longer than 4 hours, but what do you do if it hasn't taken effect after 4 hours."

Hat tip to Timmeh, Source, The Sean Show

Two-fer With Pooty-Poot

1. "Then, Hillary turns around without zipping up, and, no kidding, it must have been this big."

2. "Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar..."

3. Do not attempt to adjust your computer. We control the horizontal. We control the vertical...

4. "What is that thing, Pooty-Poot? A thought bubble? No smelly erasers? I don't get it."

5. ". . . and I said 'Rectum? Damn near killed him!' Thank you, I'm here all week."

6. ORA "Flap, flap, flapping my al-batross wings."

7. "Laura wanted me to ask, if it's true what you slavic types lack in imagination, you make up in sheer savage animal lust? Hey! Don't look at me? I'm just askin' here?"

8. "Hey, partner, I see somebody hacked your account and ordered up a dozen Swedish massages and the all-night hotel pr0n channel on your bill there. Hey! Don't look at me, ask Chirac. I was giving Merkel a full-body rub all night. "

9. "Look at the letters from satisfied 'Men's Wearhouse' customers. You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.

10. "You know, for a Russian 'bear,' you look more like a twink."

Hat Tip: M the T

Sunday, July 30, 2006

The Phone Is Once Again Your Friend

1. "Yeah, the terrorists just set off a nuke, and I'm like so, whatever..."

2. "Nope, we're just guarding these shopping carts. No illicit drug sales going on here, officer. Oh, wait, you're cool? OK, how 'bout a dimebag then?"

3. "This is only, like, the lamest flashmob ever!"

4. Typical Day at the Supermarket, women jabbering into cell phones while the men watch a cripple fight.

5. "Hey, Ma! Ma! Hey! Stop giving Billy cigarette burns for talkin' back and get your ass down to the Safeway and pick me up! I'm like, the only white girl here!"

6. "Don't worry, ma, I'll be home just as quick as I can find a 21 year old to buy for me."

7. "Can I call you back? Mr Schwarzburger just gave Mel Gibson the wrong change. This should be interesting."

Hat Tip: Silhouette
Source

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Blogger Was Shut Down Today By an Avalanche of 'Helen Thomas' Captions

1. Hillary was not pleased with the "Jimmy Carter with boobs" statue.

2. Oh, sure, she looked great at closing time...

3. "Careful, babe, or someone's going to drown in those hollow eye-sockets of yours."

4. Joan Rivers pauses to get a view words from Calista Flockhart.

5. "I was kicked off Marilyn Manson's tour for not being 'Goth' enough."

From: The Same Place as the Other Thing.

Honoring Saint Big Bird


1. Gilligan's Island episode re-enactors tackle the one where the glue and feathers explode while the Mars probe is on the island. You know what I'm talking about.

2. In a fair and decent world, Norm Mineta's exit from public cervice would have been accompanied by generous amounts of tar and feathers.

3. "Oh, Andrew, I remembered when all we needed was a beagle, eight hits of X and some Abu Ghraib photos to get off. When did we become so jaded?"

4. PETA's protest went horribly awry when the protesters ended up with their throats slit hanging upside down over a vat of de-feathering acid. The general public broadly approved of Tyson's actions.

5. "I for one welcome our new chicken-people overlords."

Hat Tip: Brenda and Divine Miss M. It comes from here

Friday, July 28, 2006

And Now, a Little Something for the Ladies and the Brokeback Cowboys

1. "It's no use, George Michael has already taken off with that pot-bellied truck driver."

2. "OK, Tyler, show me what you used to do to your sister in the pool."

3. "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! Damn you all to hell!"

4. "Just admiring my tag on that bridge abutment, 'TYLER IS A FAG!'"

5. This must be where ridiculously good-looking male models go to lay down their burdens.

6. "I had a girlfriend once. I loved her. And I killed her."

7. "Crap, it's the fuzz. Just pose casually while the hooker's body floats downstream."

8. "I said we were going to shuck some oysters... SHUCK... what did you think I said?"

9. "Dibs on Kate... crap. Dibs on Sun... crap. Dibs on... Hurley? Hey, he's vulnerable."

10. "It's respectable, Tyler, but you're not Prince Harry."

Hat Tip: USCG-dot-mil

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Arrgh, My Eyes! My Beautiful Eyes!

1. "They say eHarmony can find the perfect man for me, but I'll believe it when I see him."

2. Debra LaFave chaperones a field trip.

3. Making fun of a woman whose finger was pulled after eating three habanero burritos, blasting her miniskirt into the next county. Nice. Read her story. Educate yourselves, morons.

4. Pre-Operative Tranny guests of the Jerry Springer Show stay at the Palm Vista Hotel in glorious Burbank, California.

5. Just tell Grandma you couldn't have dinner with her because you were out giving wedgies to past-their-prime hookers. She might not understand, but I sure as hell would.

6. "Mom, we know you're pissed about the car, but the white 'f**k me' boots and yellow wedgie mini-skirt really undercut your authority."

Best of Silhouette
Maybe you did have too much to drink at the lab last night.

Best of prince of leaves
"Do my suspender-thong and halter shorts make my ass look fat?"

Sadly, nobody at the wedding asked Brigitte Nielsen's sister to dance.

Laid-off employees gather outside the gates of Neverland Ranch to demand their back pay.

"No, no, don't worry about me talking, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...Dad..."

Best of Jason
Verification word: wktcnpfd: Whcih is surprisingly similar to the sound I made when I saw this picture.

Best of jbinnout
A man....
In a tree grove...
Harry coconuts.

Best of seadog
Where'd you get the picture of my wife???
(I am so going to Hell for that one)

Best of Submariner
Inflated scrotum guy soon arrived and picked up his date. However, this again left the children "unsupervised" while waiting on the bus to Berkeley Public Schools.

Me? Oh, nothin,' nothin'... Just cruisin the Middle Schools, checkin' the studs, lookin' for "Mr. Right..." You?

Y'know; yellow IS the international color for "caution."

I think that I shall never see a man/bear/pig; no, check that...

Nothin' to be seein' here folks; just Barry Bonds on his way to spring training. Please move along...

Best of Zeke
another entry into the debate of the proper heigth one should stretch their thong past their shorts.

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
If your girlfriend has large hands, or a pronounced adams apple, she might not be your girlfriend...

Best of divine miss m
In an effort to cash in on the nostalgia wave, Blind Melon holds open auditions for the next "bee-girl."

White supp-hose with CFM boots; Girlfriend, have you lost your mind?

Best of Adjustah
When Hairy met Sally

Best of sonicfrog
I absolutley DON'T want to know or see what his / her / its super power is!!!

Best of Rodney Dill
When Harry was Sally

Best of attmay
After seeing this photo, Sir Mix-a-Lot issued a press release stating retracting his statement of fondness for big butts.

Best of Big Daddy
"I am more woman than you'll ever be and more man than you'll ever have."

Best of David Simon
The Viagra directions say to see your doctor if your erection lasts more than four hours. Well, V just saved me the trip.

No jewelry? No handbag? Some people just don't know how to accessorize.

Best of WALSTIB
How nature says "don't touch"



Hat Tip to Timmeh, who found this pic "Scorchin' Hot!"

And now, a Lady Whose Fondness for Child-Sized T-Shirts Brings Joy to Us All

1. "That is so sexy," Andrew Sullivan cooed. "I'd love to have that fire extinguisher shoved up my ass."

2. "And then I said to myself, 'D-a-a-a-m-n, if she's got a Porsche behind those beers, I'm gonna marry that woman.'" Racerboy recalls the first time he met Divine Miss M.

3. (Sigh) Yeah, I remember those Clinton-Era Fire Safety videos.

4. ORA And then, Ed Mahmoud abu al Kahoul Martyr's Brigades woke up.

5. Budweiser's "Anti-Gay Treatment Program" was way more effective than Exodus's.

6. "I'll bid $330 for the beer, Bob" The Price Is Right for Men debuts on CBS.

7. This represents the amount of beer necessary to get Bill to sleep with Hillary. The fire extinguisher represents the size of the 'marital aid' necessary to satisfy Hillary.

8. This is going to be the best lecture on Boyle's Law EVER!

9. Girls, if you ever wondered about the film the boys saw in sixth grade Sex Ed, this, unfortunately, wasn't it, but it should have been.

10. How does silicone react in the presence of carbon dixoide? Let's find out.

Best of Jason
Eastern European hooker, domestic beer, and fire. Life don't get much better than that.

Best of racerboy
Hey, baby, how 'bout we play "Lab"... you be the smokin' hot lab assistant, and I'll be the pimple-ridden geek typing... alone... at... his... keyboard... Uh, nevermind...

Best of Silhouette
The ad campaign inversely implied the beer was very hot, but oddly, not one person in the test market noticed.

Candy was good at charades. The answer was "Backdraft."

Best of lawhawk
There's a fire extinguisher in that photo? Who knew... I was captivated by the stack... of beer.

Best of Submariner
If'n it's 2 pm in LA, then it's time fer a Bud in Macon!

Al Bundy thought he'd died and gone to Heaven 'til he realized it was Peg and there was a fee for the beer...

"I'll guess Miss Scarlet, in the laboratory, with alcohol poisoning."

Best of David Simon
"Okay, I think I've got it. I go to the Code Pink rally, offer up hits off my huka, then blast away."

Best of divine miss m
"Yep, I took care of everything: Lots o' cold beer...the bridesmaid dress...and a fire extinguisher to keep Bobby's drunk friends in line...Gosh, Pamela, I'm so excited to be your maid of honor!"

Best of Anonymous
"My agent said 'Take the role in Showgirls, how can it hurt your career?"

Best of prince of leaves
All the boys loved Mrs. Latourneau's chemistry class, even if she wasn't a chemistry teacher.

Mulder's recurring dreams always started out like this, but disturbingly morphed into an alien autopsy soon after the next button on Scully's labcoat popped open.

The tiny Mr. Bean in the corner looked up, and caught a glimpse of heaven: "That's one fine fire extinguisher!"

It's 2:00pm: do you know where your busty fire-extinguisher-bearing lab assistant is?

Best of sonicfrog
It's been a while since Dexter's Lab went off the air. So THAT's what he's been up to!

Best of Merovign
I was doing just fine until I saw the caption at the bottom that says "To see video of Karl doing these experiments..."
Karl? KARL? Ewwwwww......

Best of Mr. Right
A clock, several beakers of liquid, a shelving unit, a white cabinet, a tiled wall, a floor...
Things the average male observer took about 20 minutes to notice were "hidden" in this picture!

Hat tip: Ed Mahmoud abu al Kahoul Martyr's Brigades
Source: Mythbusters

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Dead Man Walking (Insha Allah)

1. An embarrassed Sheik Hassan Nasrallah nervously explains to the paparazzi what he was doing in the bushes with George Michael.

2. "Bahrain has responded to our pleas for assistance, Michael Jackson is sending two dozen pre-teen boys for use as human shields."

3. "Just let me dab some make-up over the three sixes."

4. "Christine Amanpour --- done her.... Andrea Mitchell --- done her... Helen Thomas --- did a goat that looked like her... Tim Llewellyn, ha! he wishes!..."

5. He denounces Christians. He opposes the War in Iraq. He hates Bush. He looks fabulous in black. Kos has found his dream candidate for 2008.

6. "Chirac was with who? That bitch!"

7. By 2008, Pat Buchanan was way off the Republican reservation.

8. "I am not a sock-puppet for Iran. Being fisted by Ahmadinejad is but one of the many glories of Jihad!"

Best of Shayne
"Yes, I find that Sheehan woman to be HOT!"

Best of Jonathan H
"No, we are not getting our asses kicked! What? Why am I sweating so much? Well it's not because I'm lying!"

Best of Cybrludite
Hang on. I missed a spot cleaning up after the bukkake session earlier...

The reason for the goofy grin? The bodybuilder in the blue bikini is currently giving him a vigorous rodgering with a 14" vibrating strap-on. Using Tabasco® for a lube.

Best of David Simon
Sheik Nasrallah reacts to the news that his favorite 'N Sync boy is a poofter.

Best of Silhouette
"And those are the reasons I hope you will vote for me as your next homecoming queen."

Best of The Man
After days of airstrikes, we still have power and airconditioning. How about you infidels in Queens? No?

Uhh, the Lance Bass tattoo on my left thigh? Uhhh I have no idea what you are talking about.

Best of Submariner
How can I sell an entire Beirut apartment complex for only $19.95? Because I'm Hassan and I'm Insane!

"Next up on 'The Factor,' DNC presidential nominee hopeful Dick Durbin answers my questions on his Iraq policy..."

Best of sonicfrog
♫ Traveling in a fried-out combie
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie
I met a strange lady
She made me nervous... ♫

Best of prince of leaves
"...and we won't stop until we murder every Jew in the wor-- (Oh, wait, are these microphones on?) I mean, uh, yeah, we want justice, and uh, an end to the disproportionate violence against, uh, our women and children...yeah...that's it..."

Best of Mr. Right
"Ahmed, Rasheed, and a slightly used GE Extra-White 100-Watt Bulb..."
(Rip) (Poof)
"Name three things from Pakistan that have penetrated your rectum in the last 24 hours."



Hat tip: LFG

I Had to Cap This or Zulubabe Would Have Ripped Out My Still-Beating Heart and Showed It to me Before I Died

1. Damn it, Orlando Bloom, you could totally do better.

2. "Ah noteece you are offering ze moustache rides for two dollairs..."

3. Two 'civilian deaths' that would be mourned by no one.

4. ♫"... and sometimes, when we touch, the honesty's too much..."♫

5. "Pull eet eef you weesh, but, ah don't so much fairt as, how you say, queef."

6. "Hello, I'm Jack Chirac. Damn glad to meet ya. Can I ask you a few questions about your insurance needs?"

7. "Careful, babe, or someone's going to drown in those eyes of yours."

8. "My cheese, she stanks. Oh, what, zat's me."

9. "My advice? Surrender immediately, then let America win the war for you. Works every time."

10. Chirac demonstrates the Secret Collaborator Handshake that has served his people so well throughout history.

Best of Submariner
Chirac; "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

Jacque, your jizyah is a bit low. If you don't correct it, quickly, the recent Paris riots will seem a fond memory of the good times...

Arafat might not have, but I'll give you a "reach around," buddy.

Best of jeff
Kayser leaves the Big Brother 7 house for an important Iraqi-French diplomatic mission. Marcellus is reportedly jealous.

Best of Zeke
You smell nice...

I know I'm old enough to be your father but... a man has needs!

Best of Jason
My name is Inigo Montoya. You have killed my father. Prepare to die.

Best of Cybrludite
Don Hariri, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daughter... 's wedding... on the day of your daughter's wedding. And I hope their first child be a masculine child. I pledge my ever-ending loyalty.

Best of Jay Guevara
Let me just check your credentials here.

Best of prince of leaves
Brylcreemed hair, Saudi goatee, cheap side-vent suit and plain white dress shirt -- this is a job for Gallic Eye for the Lebanese Guy!

Without warning, Hariri placed his Wraith-modified feeding hand on Bashar Assad's chest and sucked the life force from him, rapidly aging him into a withered husk.


Just kidding, Zulubabe.
Source: Spaghetti Images

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Smell the Love

1. If you polish your girlfriend's rock-hard ass with lemon Pledge, you might be obsessive-compulsive.

2. "I've got the Bic lighter ready, let 'er rip!"

3. "And so then he says to me, 'figure skating is the most physically and mentally demanding event in the Olympics,' so I pounded him like cheap veal and jammed him into a garbage dumpster."

4. "Dammit!Why did they put the access panel in my Jennifer Anidroid way the hell down here?"

5. "Well, you can keep trying, but do you really have to wedge your head in there to be featured on Huffington Post?"

6. "I get the body shaving and Wesson Oil, but why did Senator Clinton insist on the Lemon Pledge?"

7. "Remember, for the next two hours, she is not Senator Clinton, she is 'Mistress Ilsa, She Wolf of the Far Left.' And if you break the illusion, she'll break your arm."

8. The 'Strap-On Cowboys' were heavily favored over the 'Butt-Pirates' in the upcoming hockey match.

Best of andthenblammo!
'I hate a lot of things about this job, but these damned team-building 'trust exercises' are at the top of my list!'

"Come on, Squeaky, come to the light! Come out, now! I have some nice new cedar shavings in your cage! Squeeeeeaky! Got a carrot here for you!!"

"Geez, and I always thought Butch Wax was for wood floors!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but.. Well, quit giggling, and you could hear me! I SAID IT WILL HAVE TO COME OUT! I CAN'T JUST CHANGE THE BATTERIES!"

"Yes, you're right, it was going very well. Yes, it did sound just like Led Zeppelin's version. But may I suggest that the next time you fart Stairway To Heaven on American Idol , you borrow someone else's wireless mike? I'm beginning to feel that I really don't want it back now...."

"Yes, now I can see it! A little teeenie road sign tattoo: 'No Entry'. Liz, I gotta hand it to you, you are the lesbian's lesbian."

"No, I'm sorry, I really don't hear the seashore. I am thinking of Long John Silver's for lunch, though...."

"Ha, ha, I get it, '#6: polish the back door', real funny. Look, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll just check out one of the other sororities on this campus."

Best of prince of leaves
"It's okay, Jimmy...that's just how She-Atlases say hello."

Best of Dusty
This helps explain how Hillary spent a whopping $6000 on makeup!

Best of Cybrludite
Where REAL homebrewers get their yeast!

Best of Submariner
No, hon; that mole is still the same.

Make-up girlie: "Miss Degenerate? I really don't think this is necessary for the reading..."
Ellen; "Shut up, mmmmmm, and keep, mmmm, polishing."

Best of champaignken
"Nice beaver!" "Thanks, I just got it stuffed."

Best of divine miss m
Fed up with their designation, the pirate hookers test a product that promises to eliminate "smelly."

Trackback: The Nose on Your Face

Futile, Misguided Attempt to Out-Gay Soccer

1. Sully on Ice, coming soon to a minor league hockey rink near you.

2. "Hey, Ow! I don't like playing 'George Bush and Al Green on Ice'."

3. "You know how I can tell you're gay? Because you stroke my cheek oh-so-tenderly."

4. "What crawled up your ass and died. Oh, wait, I remember."

5. "Yar, matey, prepare to be boarded!" Butt-Pirates on Ice is fun for the whole family.

6. "Silly goose, it's not really called a 'Zamboner'."

7. "Getting your PA caught in my pearls during the triple Selchow is going to cost us points."

8. As they glided over the ice, the schoolyard taunts of the kids who used to pound the crap out of them seemed long ago and far away to Pedro and Leon.

Best of divine miss m
Johnny Weir could be seen along the boards crying into his sleeve, wildly waving the business cards of three trusted wardrobe stylists.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I'm buying 20 tickets for Fred Phelps and his clan immediately after typing this.

Yuri congratulates Stephan upon completion of the rarely performed flaming triple gerbil.

Best of Submariner
Dave Schultz was so embarassed by his son that he quit attending games. (But he readily admitted his son was the better skater...)

Johnny Weir mused, if i wear my white gossamer costume we could look just like an Oreo cookie; and I'd be the double-stuffed kind...

I'm gonna call you "Campbell's" cause you're "Mmm-mmm-good!"

Y'know? A komrade kould drown in those eyes of yours, Kos...

Coming soon to a Disney theater near you - Ang Lee remakes "Ice Princess."

Best of Rodney Dill
Though with Ralph now, Ernie's thoughts kept returning to Ronoldo and what might have been.

Best of sonicfrog
Oh, I didn't know Tanya Harding was skating again?

Best of Dusty
To kick off Fox's new season of "Celebrity Ice Dancing" here are Larry the Cable Guy and Alex Baldwin!

Best of Zeke
Though often confused as lovers, these two brothers worked hard to overcome their situation and finally earned a spot on the "blue collar comedy tour"

Trackback: The Nose on yer Face

Monday, July 24, 2006

Even an Enormous, Terrifying Womanoid Needs a Little Lovin' Sometimes

1. Greg Louganis and Neil Patrick Harris star in Andrew Sullivan's 'The Blue Brokeback Lagoon,' next on Bravo.

2. Love and the Enormous Terrifying Womanoid, a Harlequin Romance classic, now in paperback.

3. "Aw, crap, a beached whale just walked by with her left knocker hanging down to her waist. I'm gonna need two doses of V1@gr@ and a fifth of Jack to finish this."

4. Tasha Yar has really let herself go. Chakotay looks great, though.

5. On a very special Saved by the Bell, Zach gets the operation that transforms him into the woman of his dreams. He promptly deflowers Slater.

6. The Lady of the Lake gets down with King Arthur in Penetrado Productions Sexcalibur.

7. "Brigitte, as soon as I saw you crush that watermelon between your thighs, I knew you were the only woman for me."

8. Unfortunately both were wiped out when she thought her French boyfriend was saying "Soon, ami," instead of "Tsunami."

Best of Submariner
Just tell Grandma you missed dinner with her because you were busy enjoying the sunset as the bottom for a transgendered Billy Idol wannabe, in a wedding gown, wearing a 14" strap-on. She won't understand but she'll be too flabbergasted to hold it against you...

D@mn! Ain't nothin' better'n a nice tight Angolan after the game...

I guess girls, no, boys, no, uh, well... ♪The confused just wanna have fun, confused just wanna have fun.♪

Best of jeff
"Hon - quit pushing - my briefs are scraping off and I'm getting grass up my crack."

Best of Adjustah
Flavor Flav couldn't believe that he was having this nightmare yet again...

Best of prince of leaves
And now...the SciFi Channel Original Movie..."The Mer-Bride Had Man-Hands"

To top off the romantic day, they made the Beast With Two Curiously Broad Backs on the beach at sunset.

Best of Anonymous
If your girlfriend has large hands, or a pronounced adams apple, she might not be your girlfriend...

Best of David Simon
Dessi wanted a woman who is a little more femme, but Grace Jones is already spoken for.

Imagine Dessi's shock when he tried to consummate the marriage, but ended up getting into a sword fight.

Brigitte is mounting, and Dessi is spreading his legs...well, one can hardly blame them for being confused.

Best of Silhouette
Worst. York Peppermint Pattie. Commercial. Ever.

Best of Rodney Dill
...and now in the About as Likely as a Hezbollah/Israel Reconciliation category.

Best of Cybrludite
♪Sweet mystery of life, at last I found you...♪

Best of the paperboy
When your Male Order Russian Bride comes (and his name is Ivan)

Best of the paperboy
Up on this next hill, we'll see the ruins of a fourteenth century watchtower where... oh my... what a beautiful sunset!

Hat Tip: Tess Turbo
Source: Soylent Green

Seditious Dorks for Socialism

1. There would be no prom date this time. Submariner reached for his shotgun.

2. Rosie O'Donnell's ex-girlfriends hate Bush and the War.

3. Who says the days of the Grrl band are over.

4. "Man, if Che were still alive, we could tell him our parents were parasites and malingerers, and he would totally kill them. That would be cool."

5. "Man, if Che were still around, he'd totally kill the popular kids for not inviting us to their parties."

6. "Dudes, there is like five gallons of bongwater in this thing. We are gonna get so wrecked."

7. Socialist Studs and Bolshevik Booty was one of the better examples of state-sponsored Soviet Pr0n.

8. "That's right, BushCo Fascist Theocons! We're going to drum and chant until your fascist regime is brought to its knees! Woooooo! We're revolutionaries! Yeah! And we won't work or bathe until you and your thugs are frog-marched from the White House and the Global Capitalist system is destroyed! Yea!"

Best of prince of leaves
Four identical thought bubbles: Oh, yeah...this'll teach Daddy for not buying me that pony!

Best of prince of leaves
"Four children you can be proud of for one we can be proud of...you gotta admit, Cindy, that's one heck of a good deal."

...This is your brain on public education...

Suddenly, the USS Ronald Reagan's Phalanx defense system "accidentally" activated...

Best of David Simon
We're not leaving until Mr. Manilow gives us his autograph.

"I figured I'd let somebody else win this year," said perennial hirsute armpit champion Missy as the rest of the contestants showed the judges their stuff.

Best of Cybrludite
'Ow to speak Awstrayan: Goat-feltching f**kweasels.

Best of divine miss m
"For the lead, your answer is: Hairy, smelly, androgynous, liberal, and protesting causes while living on someone else's dime."
"Oh, that would be What are U of M - Ann Arbor students? Alex."

Best of Occasional Reader
Pre-operative? Post-operative? Only their hairdressers know for sure.

Best of champaignken
Please send money to help these poor kids buy a real drum.

Fat kid with the SDS sign, what is with those earings? Did you steal them from your mom? And no one wears capri pants anymore.

Best of Dave Munger
God hate's fa - I mean, no war for oil!

Rage Against The Machine says stick your tongue out... now do a black power salute... HAHA, Rage Against The Machine didn't say give a black power salute!

Best of Cybrludite

Some people re-enact the US Civil War. These are the 1960's reenactors. (Sadly, they smell even worse than an unshowered SCA stick-jock on the 6th day of Gulf Wars)

Best of Submariner
Pardon me, from the aroma I thought this was the place to drop off my goat. Please carry on.

Best of lawhawk
So that's what Eddie Vedder has been up to all this time.


Hat tip: Van Helsing

Bush-Slapped

1. Congressman Al Green's repeated refusals to sing "Year of the Cat," bring Bush's frustration to a boiling point.

2. "Sorry, bro', thought you were Kofi Annan there for a minute."

3. "Anyone else want to question whether I would make a kick-ass CTU agent?"

4. Tony Snow had to explain to the president, "When the base said they wanted you to act more like Patton, that's not what they meant."

5. "Feel my pimp hand, biyatch."

6. "Shut up! An Imperial Star Destroyer could totally kick the Enterprise's ass."

7. "Get a hold of yourself, man! We'll never get these motherf**kin' snakes off the motherf**kin' plane if we don't calm the f**k down and think of a plan."

8. "Must. Control. Bitch-Slap. Of. Death."

9. No one else saw the alleged yellowjacket.

10. For Sweeps Week, C-SPAN brought in Jerry Springer to liven things up a litte.

Best of jeff
Kanye West was right...

Best of lawhawk
You're lucky that wasn't Dick Cheney. You'd be slapped into next Tuesday.

Best of racerboy
"It's so soft and silky... what do you use for conditioner???"

Best of champaignken
I don't think you are getting the hang of shaving yet. I still feel a lot of stubble.

Yep, it does feel just like Hillary's ass.

Go ahead, smell my finger. Does it smell like goat or Helen Thomas?

Best of Jason
Who's my fuzzy bear? That's right! You're my fuzzy bear.

Best of prince of leaves
"Dammit! You're gonna tell me where those WMDs are right now or I'm gonna-- Oh, whew! Sorry, Al, thought you were Saddam for a second there..."

"Feel it! So silky smooth! Not like Cindy Sheehan's at all!"

Best of Cybrludite
Being the shrewd businessman that he is, Bush checks the teeth before making his purchase.

Best of Submariner
Thanks, W. I needed that!

That wasn't a "sonic boom," bro, Dawn's head finally exploded for good.

Originally Used by: The Diva

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Animal Planet Sunday

1. "So, how was your date with Mohammed?"

2. When she saw her competition, Helen Thomas realized she didn't stand a chance on The Bachelor.

3. "Well, one day, Cheney came by the zoo and I flung poop at him, of course. The Next thing I knew, Howard Dean wanted me to run for Congress. Would have won, too, if it weren't for the kiss-of-death kos endorsement."

4. "Don't worry, hon' I'm an experienced celebrity beautician. Lenny Kravitz swears by me."

5. ORA: Arem Fingal decided next time he doppled, he would choose anteater.

Best of Silhouette
By the power vested in me by the state of Massachusetts

"Dang it, Billy, every time you go to one of those Rainbow gatherings, it takes me four days to get the lice off you."

According to the romantic advice from my Chinese restaurant placemat, this should never work out.

Best of prince of leaves
The love that dare not bleat its name.

Moments later, the monkey was fatally impaled when a zoo visitor to the goat's right made a sudden move.

Doing the jobs goats won't do.

Best of champaignken
That has to be the best Halloween costume I have ever seen! How did you ever find a Barbara Boxer mask?

Best of Submariner
It's not you, it's meeeee... WHOA! Check out the legs on that gazelle! Sorry, where were we babe?

Look, I knew you were a "horny b*st*rd when we got married, but I ain't birthin' nothing like this. Period.


Hat Tip: Racerboy

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Animal Planet Weekend

1. ORA: "No! Foamy! Don't take it! That's Tom Lehrer!"

2. "What? This is a styrofoam packing peanut. Welcome to the World of Rabies, you prick."

3. The squirrel coat of Linda's dreams inches one pelt closer to reality.

4. "Foamy! No! It's a trap! Don't you recognize Richard Gere?!"

5. "Soon as I get the hamstring stretches in the can, I'm off on my jog."

Hat Tip: Racerboy

Friday, July 21, 2006

Thematically Closing Out the Work Week


1. "Mammy-san!"

2. "On second thought, papa, I don't want those girls to share their ice cream with me."

3. "We said, 'There's a fat chick flashing her boob behind you!' Oh, never mind, just get me my Nikon."

4. "Sheriff Joe. Sucky Sucky. Five dollar."

5. "It was inspired by the expression a Falun Gong practicioner makes when his organs are harvested for the Politburo."

6. "... And when we picked in the Provincetown Rest Room, Mr. Sullivan was being double penetrated by a pair of black peace activists, and he make face just like this."

7. "It was inspired by photo of George Bush and screaming brat redneck."

Source: Yahoo News/AssPress Photo/Ng Han Guan

Polish Twins... Gotta Be a Joke in There Somewhere


1. Daycare at the Village of the Damned.

2. "This sewer tunnel goes under the minefield. It's gross, but it's our only way out of Neverland Ranch."

3. "Double your pleasure, Congressman Frank?"

4. For obscure, inside-the-blogosphere joke reasons, both of them are named 'Glenn Greenwald.'

5. "Cool, they're completely under our powers. Let's make Spock make out with Scotty."

6. Thanks to stem cell research, these two cloned organ banks will keep David Spade going well into his nineties.

7. "Mr Klein, if this is supposed to be a jeans ad, why do we have to be in our underwear and touching each other?"

8. "Ms Letourneau? Ms LaFave? Your prom dates are here."

Source: Times (UK) On-Line

Thursday, July 20, 2006

This Photo Is Not Safe For Work... Or ANYWHERE


1. Late in life, Woody Allen's films became increasingly auto-biographical.

2. Sullivan's Ice Cream Shoppe was a big hit in Provincetown.

3. Things not to ask at Sullivan's Ice Cream Shoppe: "Do these come with nuts?"

4. The Japanese government resorts to extreme measures to restore the country's birth rate.

5. The downside of Sullivan's Ice Cream Shoppe? Sometimes, the ice cream tastes like "sh*t."

6. "No, Miko, I don't know why this combination is called 'Katie Couric's Arizona Speeding Ticket.'"

7. Dairy Queen targets the Hooters demo.

8. 'Hot Eats, Cool Treats' Indeed.

9. "Oh, this is way too much. Instead of the Ron Jeremy, I should have ordered the David Spade."

10. "Finish your ice cream, or mama-san won't buy you the 'Hello Kitty' crotchless panties."

Best of prince of leaves
"Mmm...now I see why is said: Once go coco-jin, never go back!"

"Gee mommy, you eat that ice cream with such...enthusiasm..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"So is this why daddy wanted to be creamated?"

Best of Submariner
Yes Miko, these are anatomically correct - now keep licking 'til you find the "creamy center."

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
Even though it was the finest creamy frozen dairy treat to be had on the whole Island, Kiko's mother would take a bite, spit, take a bite, spit, take a bite, and then spit.

And so, in her own way, Kiko finally understood why daddy-san no longer lived with mommy-san.

Best of racerboy
Ming Lee couldn't make up her mind between the "Tonsil Tickler" and "Big Black Bart", so she got one of each.

Authentication word: gupspbsd... sounds like the noise she's gonna make when she gets all the way down to the "hilt"

Best of champaignken
Let me lick the head before it starts dripping all over your hand.

Best of T. Harris
Idiot, didn't you learn anything at school? You put the rubber on the wrong end, for Crissakes!



I blame Chip for this horrible, disgusting, deeply perverted pic that should be BANNED from the internet like Janet Jackson's "(.)(*)"

A Gary Glitter Sandwich

1. "So, how did you guys get out of that speeding ticket in Phoenix?"

2. "Who holds your hair when you puke?"

3. "You didn't carry the three. Your Unified Field Theory is worthless! Worthless!"

4. "Farrah Fawcett made a fortune doing this. Of course, she got naked and rolled in it. Takers?"

5. "The way you let men objectify you is shameful. When I grow up, I'm gonna be a big butch professional golfer."

6. "Those are, um, really interesting swastikas Miss Argentina. Let's see if I can guess what your grandpa did during the war."


Source: Ass Press Photo/Miss Universe, Darren Decker

Hat Tip: Das Mensch

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Big Boob (No, Not Ted Kennedy)

1. Other hazards of the seaside wedding: Unanticipated Whale Beachings.

2. "And I, Jennifer, do solemnly swear, to love, honor, and ohmyfrakkin'gawd..."

3. "Jen, your mom's desperate pleas for attention are gettiing a little annoying."

4. On her weekends, Rosie O'Donnell likes to flash beachfront weddings while yelling "Breeders!!"

5. Damn, I've never seen a woman so fat her gravitational field warped the horizon before.

Best of Adjustah
"I Tom, take thee boob..."

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
Reasons to have a church wedding: Exhibit 1

Best of champaignken
Pardon me reverend, I was just thinking of getting a large glass of milk.

Best of Shayne
"Now Jennifer, the moment you've been waiting for. The reason you went on this show. Jennifer, meet your "dream date."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Sorry, Reverend, Jennifer, I think I just turned gay....."

"Sorry. Sorry. Can we start over right before I yelled, 'NICE COWSKIN TRUNKS THERE, BOSSY!'?? It won't happen HEY, ARE YOU TOPLESS BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE MOOOOOOOOOD? again. Sorry."

"Jennifer, I hate to break this to you, but there will be no sex on our honeymoon. Mr. Winkie has just ran up my spine and hidden behind my pancreas."

Best of Frank IBC
The sudden appearance of "Pillsbury", the man-b**bed gay midget, at the very moment the minister uttered the words "speak now or forever hold your peace", sent a shiver that was a mix of horror and remembered passion down Thom's spine.

Best of Rodney Dill
"I thought you said your mother wasn't attending."

Elmo captures a rare glimpse of land Manatee.

Best of sonicfrog
♫ Here comes a stringray
There goes a manta ray
In walked a jelly fish
There goes a dogfish
Chased by a catfish
In flew a sea robin
Watch out for that pirahna
There goes a narwhal
Here comes a bikini whale! ♫

Best of prince of leaves
"Sheesh, Jennifer -- I let you hire Michael Moore to direct the wedding videography, and you can't even get the guy to wear a friggin' suit???"

Jennifer and Tom wanted to get married in front of an ahu on Easter Island -- but when budget realities sank in, they were forced to settle for a Willendorf Venus reenactor at Long Beach.

Best of divine miss m
♪ Do your b**bs hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
Do your b**bs hang low?! ♫

Best of David Simon
Oddly enough: Tourist accidentally killed (and stuffed) at island luau wedding.

Best of lawhawk
Oh my gosh. It's the everlasting gobstopper.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Mmmm...wedding cake! Get in mah belly!"

Best of Submariner
You see, Jenn, you asked me to have a beluga at the reception...

Was it just a misfortunate accident that Shelly Winter began training for "The Poseidon Adventure" on the same beach at the same time as Dave and Alice's vows?

Best of champaignken
Do you still think Europeans are cooler because of their topless beaches?

Has anyone here seen the National Geographic photographer?

Best of sicsempertyrannus
Shave the Whales

Hat Tip and Source: M the T

Apologies in Advance for Cap #1

1. Sucking Joe Arpaio's c**k, another job Americans won't do.

2. "Call me?"

3. "Not bad, but I'm still writing the speeding ticket. If it didn't work for Katie Couric, it sure as hell ain't gonna work for you."

4. "Thanks, but you didn't have to do that. We sell the pink prison shorts in the Tent City Gift Shop."

5. "On second thought, boss. Maybe I'll just eat those fifty eggs."

6. Illegal Immigrant Activist Elias Bermudez tries to win over Sheriff Joe Arpaio's heart by crooning Kenny Rogers's "Lady."

7. A confused reporter from KTAR 620 tries to perform an ultrasound on Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

8. While Sheriff Joe's back was turned, the Grim Reaper dispatched the FoxNews reporter and snatched his microphone.

Source: AP Photo/Matt York
Hat Tip: Brender

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Civilization Against Moonbats

1. "Screw these hippies. I want to bust on Pedro and Leon."

2. "So, I wrestle this Sullivan guy to the ground, put the handcuffs on him, and drag him to the paddy wagon. As it pulls off, he yells, 'Call me!'"

3. "Sorry, Carl, rock smashes pencil. You have to man-handle Sheehan into the squad car. I'll get the heavy duty rubber gloves and Lysol."

4. "That's not c**kring, This is a c**kring!"

5. "Mr. Rove's instructions were quite clear: Three shots. Aim for the head and remember, be clean boys. Or else we're all going away for a long time. The money will be in a suitcase in a dumpster in the allieway."

Hat tip: Zombie

Moonbats Against Civilization

1. "You know, that skullcap would look even better on my bedroom floor."

2. ♪I get no kick from champagne...

3. "And yet I remain dubious of the sincerity of the Gay Black Jewish Klansmen for Tolerance and Understanding."

4. "Nice skullcap... wanna f**k?"

5. "It's called a Kwame Kilpatrick. You mix Jaegermeister, Khalua, bourbon, and Coke. It's So black, not even the man can keep it down."

6. "You can call me Fred Flintstone, 'cause I'll make your bed rock!"

7. "I may not be the best-looking moonbat here, but I'm the only one blowing in your ear."

8. "All right, if the Pistons go all the way next year, I'll loot with you. But this time, none of that 'Old Navy' crap."

Best of Submariner
All I said was "Chill, Dawn..." and she knee-capped me!"

Does a brothuh wanna have some fun? Just mention to Bobby Byrd you movin' in next do'...

SOTG? We're here to show your daughter a good time at the prom...

Best of jeff
Dude, why are you wearing that white skullcap again? I thought kneecapping you once would have taught you that was wrong!

Best of The Man
Stop calling it a yarmulka.

Best of Silhouette
"Psst. What ever you do, don't look, but there is this guy to our right..."

Best of WhoopsieDaisey
So I figured "If the white guy can pee on the little girl..."

Best of divine miss m
Brokeback 'Hood

Best of Shayne
Yo, where the white women at?

Best of David Simon
"1,000 brothers covering their hair outside his office, and Sharpton still don't get the hint."

Best of prince of leaves
"Intriguing, Tyson. Please, do elaborate further on this variation of quantum string theory you have developed..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Quit you, I wish it is."

Best of andthenblammo!
"Next time you 'fix me up with a hot mama' and Cynthia McKinnon shows up, you'll be LUCKY just to need crutches, know what I'm saying??"

"No, Tyrone, it's true, I WAS really happy you invited me to your Amway party. Just like THIS is a novelty cigarette lighter I've got jammed into your back."



Source: Zombie

Monday, July 17, 2006

Bush and the New Democratic Party Symbol

1. "Dammit, Cokie. You told Cheney you were on the pill!"

2. "Karl, your lunch is ready."

3. "Now, mercy sakes, don't spike it when you get to the End Zone."

4. "Damn, I knew that quickie in the Lincoln Bedroom with Gwen Stefani would come back to haunt me."

5. The site of a topless Ted Kennedy yelling "Get in muh bellay!" was too much for the president to take.

6. "Jeez! King Solomon made the same suggestion and people thought he was a genius. Don't you people read the Bible?"

7. "Jenna, you got some 'splainin' to do."

8. "Which one of us looks more like George Voinovich?"

9. "Ma'am, it looks like we got the baby away from Pelosi just in time, but in the future, keep your kids away from her gingerbread house."

10. "Hey, I can't run again, so I'm gonna shake this brat like an English nanny."

Best of divine miss m
Just kissing hands and shaking babies...

Best of andthenblammo!
"Wait, I'm not running for any office, am I? Lady, get this stinky lil' poop machine out of mah damn face!"

"This ain't the Baby Assad I wanted to get muh hands on! I've been hornswoggled by that damn Kofi critter for the last time!"

Best of Van Helsing
"For such a little guy, he sure can let a potent stinker."

Best of Submariner
The "other, other white meat" Idi Amin said? Uh, fergot; I have a State commitment on that dinner invite date...

Cries over everything the administration touches? check
Nothing to contribute? check
Wants someone to do everything for it? check
Full of crap? oh MY, YES! check
Gotta be a little Democrat lady.

Believe me little feller; if it was my choice I wouldn't give ya back to 'er. But Debbie Frisch's yer mom...

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
James Carville's boast of, "If that idjut President has the shrinking ray that he says he does, I'll be the first in line to test it out!" faded into panic as Dubya handed him back to Mary Matlin.

Later that day the press savaged Dubya's mocking of the new Democratic Mascot, Whiney McPoopflinger.

Best of champaignken
When I said to get me the spawn of Satan, I meant to get Nancy Pelosi on the phone.

President Bush tells a young Republican an scary story "in 2011 the Death Tax returns".


Best of prince of leaves
AP caption: U.S. President George W. Bush, ignoring international pleas to restrain an out of control Israel, makes innocent baby cry.

NYT caption: Sources say that the Administration's top-secret but by-the-book-legal program to infiltrate American mosques in search of radical Muslims has been a success, but that that success could be jepoardized through disclosure by the media. President Bush, busy making innocent babies cry, refused to comment on the program.


Best of Submariner
Al Jazeera caption: George Bush, spawn of Hell, killer of innocent Muslims world-wide, and ruler of the Great Satan, selects an innocent Arab baby to serve as main course during a state fete for visiting Israeli leaders.


Source: Ace of Spades

Look At Me, I'm as Helpless as a Moonbat in a Tree

1. "You get down right now, young lady. That's Senator Byrd's favorite Lynching Tree."

2. I think that I shall never see / a moonbat smarter than a tree /

3. Isolated from her drumming circle, the treed moonbat is helpless against predators. Death comes swiftly.

4. "That leprechaun will never get me Lucky Charms up here."

5. "That bastard lied! Valium doesn't grow on trees."

6. "Half a hit of acid, and she spends a week thinking she's a tree sloth. Lightweight!"

7. A lawyer from the ACLU serves Billy's tree house with a subpeona for its "No Girls Allowed" policy.

8. Her gynecologist was stumped by her repeated Dutch Elm disease infections.

9. "Wow! That was some accident. Good thing I was thrown clear."

10. "What? You're not Al Gore? You lied just to get into my pants? You bastard!"

Best of Submariner
♪Listen children to a story, that was written long ago;
'bout a queendom in a pine tree and the logger folk below.♪

Definitely a pine; see the way the sap is backing up on that branch?

Ennui - why won't you release me?

Tamika keeps telling me how much pleasure that "big woodies" give her. I just don't get it; this is the largest tree I can find, I've been at it for 45 minutes, and all I've gotten is chapped thighs from the bark...

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
And now, a sneak preview of "Nell 2"...

"And I'm not coming down until I see that 'ManBearPig' that everyone's talking about!"

Smelly Hooker Pirate joins the Earth Liberation Front.

Best of jeff
"I can't come down... the (ah!) ants have finally reached the right spot... "

Best of Occasional Reader
Tragically--and, let's be frank, rather ironically--Ms. DeMauro was eventually torn to pieces by an enraged spotted owl.

Best of Rodney Dill
Let's see him try and piss on me up here.

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
In Daryl Hannah's defense, she wasn't really protesting anything. Jackson Browne just bitch-slapped her so hard that she flew seventeen feet into a Douglas Fir.


Source: Boston Globe

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Ah, Family

1. "I like Dwight's family and all, but his troubled adolescence is really getting on my nerves."

2. "I don't know why you're upset. Mr. Sullivan pays me $50 for doing this to him."

3. "Sorry, that sign that said, 'This Is Our Ool, Notice there's no 'P'' in it was just cutesy-wootsy to let go."

4. "Oooh, sorry, sis. For a moment, I thought you were The New York Times."

5. A young Bill Clinton charms Hillary.

6. The only appropriate way to respond to the question "Don't you think there's something a little fishy about the 'Official' story of 9-11?"

7. "Hey, sis, which hip-hopper am I?" "R Kelly?" "No... Pee Diddy!"

8. "Hey! Watch it! Don't get that in my Bud!"

9. "You're in a lotta trouble young man." "Heh Heh, you said 'urine.'"

10. Once again, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Best of Silhouette
Sure, it looks classy, but remember, these brochure pictures always make the buildings and guests look better than they are in real life.

Best of Passionate Conservative
I never realized just how odd Christopher Walken was until this moment.

Best of Van Helsing
There's got to be a more efficient way of warming up the pool.

Best of divine miss m
Bill misunderstood the purpose of the "We aim to please! You, aim too, please." sign.

Best of Submariner
Pissonya is Russian for "I Love You."

That's no way to kill roaches!

OK, Daddy, 3 or 4 more kegs and the pool will be full...

"Pristine pool?" My bad, I thought you said "pissing..."

Best of David Simon
And you thought the tiger licking the bald chick was tacky statuery.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Dammit, I didn't get my "Americana" warning!

"Don't p#ss on my head and tell me it's raining!"

Best of champaignken
Contrary to what she thought, Sally's father really would piss on her head if it was on fire.

This AP photo from France clearly shows that a swimming pool is a piscine!

Best of Occasional Reader
SUMMERTIME FIRST AID TIP #28: What to do if a jellyfish stings a friend or loved one on the head.

Best of Dusty
At the summer Democrat retreat, Chuck Schumer emphasizes to Hillary that HE is the senior senator from New York.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Keep on goin' Earl, It's nearly full."



I Guess You Can Blame: SondraK

Saturday, July 15, 2006

People with Way Too Much Time on Their Hands

1. "One day, I just wondered, 'What would it look like if the bald chick from Star Trek: The Motion Picture were molested by Tony the Tiger?' and, voila!"

2. "Hobbes, you stupid tiger. You were supposed to rip out Suzy Derkins' throat, not feel up her boobies!"

3. Later in life, Siegfried devoted all of his time to building a Taj Mahal-like memorial to Roy.

4. "It's called, 'I believe in sandy claws.'"

5. Master Sand Sculptor Fred Mallet's themes took a dark turn after his girlfriend ran off with Sinead O'Connor.

Hat tip: Dan, Just Dan.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Robert Byrd's Rainbow Coalition

1. The Klan's annual Lavender Luau was a great opportunity to welcome new recruits from a wide range of backgrounds.

2. Johnny Weir declares the new face of the Klan "Fabulous!"

3. I admit, the ad is clever, but what does it have to do with feminine protection?

4. Looks like Dawn has sent her people over to complain about Thursday's babe.

5. The Annual "Come as your favorite LGF Rejected Rotating Title" Ball was a huge success and raised hundreds of dollars for the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

Best of The Man
The YearlyKos Meet-n-greet started off well until the GBJK delegates ran into the NAACP group.

Best of prince of leaves
"Welcome to your nightmare, Dr. Dobson."

Best of jeff
Spongebob couldn't make the meeting and Patrick forgot his hood... fortunately there were spares available.

..."and this just in - Pat Robertson declares that Spongebob's Squarepants' best friend, Patrick Star, is gay."

Best of prince of leaves
Tyson was always a little saddened after a rainbow-menorah-burning, watching all that carefully-tied and artfully-arranged raffia go up in smoke. Little did he suspect that the other members of the chapter shared this secret pain.

Also featured in this alternative reality: Multicultural Nazis, Pacifist Muslims, and a Competent UN.

Best of trigger girlie
Letus learned first hand that washing the Klan's robes with his wife's Victoria's Secret Lavander bras was a biiiig mistake

Best of Submariner
♪I feel pretty! I feel pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and black!♪

Val Plame, John F'n Kerry, Hillary Klinton and Barak Obama make an undercover "fact-finding" trip to Avalon Manor. Joe Lieberman provides security as the only Democrat that can handle a weapon.

Best of Submariner and Mr Right
Where de young white boys be at? Oy, vey.

Best of racerboy
NOOOOOObody expects the Rainbow Inquisition!

It's La Croix sweetie, La Croix.

Best of divine miss m
"Bastard Sons of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed balls of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbies! Die, you Muppets from hell! Die, you foam motherf*ckers!"

Best of racerboy and miss m
Somewhere, Barney the dinosaur is wondering whether it's time to share his own little secrets...

"Everybody, now, sing with us: 'Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya...' What's the matter with you people, are you uptight or something?!"

Best of Cybrludite
Hi there. Were here to take Lynx & Lamb to the prom...

Wow. They weren't kidding about how pervasive EEOC guidelines have become.

Best of sonicfrog
♫ They were a two eyed, one horned,
verclemt purple creapy people... ♫

Hat tip: Timmeh!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Hot Chocolate Thursday

1. Upon seeing the first of his 72 Virgins, Senator Robert Byrd demanded to be sent to Hell. Can you guess what the twist to this story is?

2. This week's GayPride festivities were disrupted by the presence of an actual woman. "Disgusting!" hissed lead organizer Markos Zuniga.

3. Andrew Sullivan sighed, "Sometimes, I wish I was a lesbian."

4. "Thanks, Johnny Weir had a garage sale."

5. Skinemax movie or Brazilian Kid's Show? The answer will surprise you.

6. I don't know why Dawn is so upset. The Black Chick's the one holding the whip, after all.

7. Ya wanna know the really ironic part? She can't stand Jimmy Buffett.

8. "That's right, kids, a blue hanky hung on the right means he's a dominant top." Sex-Ed video for Massachusetts Public Schools.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Man, Condi better tone it down a bit if she's even considering a run in '08.

You mean they get that all the time in Brazil, and all we get is an occaisional Janet Jackson flap-jack titty at the Super Bowl?


Ebony... and SOTG... Go together in perfect... harmony...♫

Best of sonicfrog
Head lice convert to islam, build mosque...

Best of racerboy
Episode guide, HGTV Martha Stewart Living: Martha shows us more neat seasonal decorating tricks using beads and a glue gun. This episode: Mardi Gras

Valtrex rolls out its advertising campaign to new markets...

Best of Submariner
Mounds has deep dark chocolate - oooooooh!

'allo, Sailor! Wanna provide the creamy center?

Lets just put it this way: once in the bush is worth any number in the hand...

Best of prince of leaves
"With my active lifestyle, I don't have the time for heavy-flow days!"

Source: FoxNoos
Hat Tip: The Guy Who's Always Goin' Down, Submariner

More More More

1. I love the director's cut of Ferris Bueller!

2. So, You Wanna Be a Whore, coming to Fox in September.

3. Unfortunately, General Hammond's entire Birthday Stripper package was wiped out by an unscheduled off-world activation.

4. New York's first 'Disco inside a dirigible' is a huge success.

5. "Excuse me, ladies, would any of you be interested in being kidnapped by the Sultan of Brunei and locked in a basement as his sex slave... I mean, modeling work?"

Lifted from: Knowledge What Be Power

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

"America, I Rebuke Thee!"

I've got a really busy morning, so I'm going to post some blanks and do the best ofs this evening.

Best of Van Helsing
"Zyweso, wecato, keoso, Xunewe-rurom Xeverator. Menhatoy, Zywethorosto zuy, Zururogos Yog-Sothoth! Orary Ysgewot, homor athanatos nywe zumquros, Ysechyroroseth Xoneozebethoos Azathoth! Xono, Zuwezet, Quyhet kesos ysgeboth Nyarlathotep! Zuy rumoy quano duzy Xeuerator, YSHETO, THYYM, quaowe xeuerator phoe nagoo, Sub-Niggurath!!!"

(I was previously unaware that the Verification Words were an invocation to the Dark Old Ones) - VtK

Best of David Simon
"You're putting an armoire there?! Clearly you don't understand the less is more concept of London minimalism."

Best of John
You wanna pull my finger?! You can't handle pulling my finger!!!

I spent two-and-a-half God-forsaken years trying to survive on that island, and all you can say is, 'How did it feel wearing that blue shirt and sailor cap every day?"!

"God damnit, Little Bunny Foo Foo. I'm sick and tired of your hoppin' through the forrest and boppin' field mice on the head!"

Best of jeff
"You! Yes, You! Why aren't you cowering in fear before me!?!?"

Best of The Man
Do you see pickles on the burger? I said extra pickles!

Best of Anonymous
"And I proved, proved, with geometric precision, that another key had to exist!"

Best of Shayne
"Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!"



Hat Tip: Van Helsing

Sorry, But Soccer Remains You-Know-What



Best of tuffbeingright
And they wonder why Americans prefer NASCAR.

"Yoo Hoo!! Ronaldo!! It's time for your penalty lick!"

Best of Adjustah
"No, no! Headbutt! Not, head in...uh, ew..."

Best of David Simon
The promoter of the celebrity soccer match made a mental note to never invite George Michael, Ricky Martin and Rupert Everett again.

Best of The Man
This is why France never has inter-squad games.

Best of Jason
That Ronaldo! He's insatiable!

Best of Kevin Walker
Ronaldo's flatulence is strong enough to knock everyone off their feet.



Hat Tip: Franky Aye-Bee-See

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

President Evil

1. "Now, Show Me the Friggin' Sharks with Friggin' Laser Beams on their heads."

2*. Elaine still wasn't sure if the president was 'spongeworthy.'

3. "I agree, the plastic surgery was a complete success. I totally didn't know it was you, Kenny Boy."

4. "Sorry about the lab coat, Mr President, but here at Vandalay Industries, we have to keep clean conditions."

5. "So, you see, Mr. President, the rabbit cage didn't bend at all when we burned up a Tester's model airplane soaked in kerosene in it. Therefore, the twin towers had to be brought down in a controlled demolition."

6. "And once you lifted the ban on stem cell research, 'Live Organ Transplants' were a natural extension..."

7. "And this is the lab where the radioactive spider developed super-powers after biting Dick Cheney."

8. "Stop breaking character! Mean nurses don't laugh!"

9. "It is unfortunate that animals have suffer, Mr. President, but would you want to live in a world where Arianna Huffington doesn't wear make-up?"

10. "Sorry Mr. President, I don't have a square to spare."


Lifted from: Knowledge Is Power.

* I don't consider Seinfeld references obscure, but just in case, click here.

Monday, July 10, 2006

One Frisch, Two Frisch

Yeah, this is a pic of Toddler-Threatening Uber-Moonbat Debbie Frisch that ran in the Arizona Star. Of course, now her panties are in a wad (and probably tangled in thickets of leg hair) because someone linked to this pic at Protein Wisdom, which apparently, Moonbat Debbie perceives as a threat of some kind.)

1. "Mom, Aunt Butch, Why is my name 'Sappho?'"

2. "Be quiet dear. Mommy and Aunt Butch are too angry about Bu$hitler's War of Choice to worry about dingos in the kitchen just now."

3. "Yes, dear, by the time you start high school, the dogs will be dead... because of George Bush."

4. "I see you have the 'Oregano' out. Does this mean you're making another batch of 'Special DailyKos brownies?'"

5. "Mom-mee, one of the boys in my pre-school won't share his crayons. Will you threaten to garrot him like Jon-Benet Ramsey?"

6. "I rounded up every D-Cell in the house as you commanded, Mistress. I'm guessing this means now you want me to play in the backyard for the next couple of hours."

7. "Mommy, why does Aunt Butch enjoy slicing up carrots and cucumbers so much?"

8. "Hey, if there's any spaghetti sauce left, let me know. I want to give my Barbie doll an abortion."

This is totally Fair Use by the way.

Big Momma Moonbat

1. "And, what am I bid for the smelly she-hag on my right? A quarter? A nickel? Tickets to An Inconvenient Truth? Anything?

2. "No, Mr. Gore, that's just Cindy Sheehan. You'll have to search for ManBearPig elsewhere."

3. Being a master athlete, Kobe was able to throw the ball to the trained walrus AND pull the Ringmaster's finger simultaneously.

4. "I see there are ten flags behind me. I'll need ten volunteers with Zippos... or Bics will do."

5. James Lipton frantically tried to slide the Getty Images logo to cover Cindy's face, but alas, to no avail.

6. "Come on people, the woman lost her son to Bu$hitler's oil war for Israel. How much am I bid for one of her boogers?"

7. Air America couldn't afford a traffic helicopter, so they just had this guy beat on his chest to simulate rotor blades.

8. "And I'm very honored to have as our guest of honor... Louie Anderson!"

Best of Van Helsing
If I could just ask a volunteer from the audience to pull my finger, the amazing Mother Moonbat will demonstrate that she can catch a fart between her hands, swallow it, and blow it out her ears.

Best of sonicfrog
This never before seen picture exposes the real reason behind Ken Lay's fatal heart attack. He was heard to exclaim "I will not share my cell with that... THING" as he fell dead to the floor.

Best of Jason
You in the back! Quit calling her 'Sheehag'!

Best of Cybrludite
♪One is the lonelest number that you'll ever dooooo... c'mon everybody, clap along!♪

Best of jeff
Barack Obama says: "Nothing is more transparent than inauthentic expressions of faith: the politician who shows up at a black church around election time and claps--off rhythm--to the gospel choir." Somehow... it just seemed appropriate.

Best of divine miss m
Oh, God, I just had that bad dream again where I'm ancient, haggy, strident and hairy and I'm singing "We Shall Overcome" with an equally ancient, balding, self-righteous, impotent Submariner in front of dozens at the MoveOn.org rally...will somebody please take me back to the mudbath at the spa RIGHT @#$%ING NOW!?

Best of andthenblammo!
"I want to quote President Clinton: 'I did not have sex with that woman!' "

Hat tip: LFG

Save the Manatee

1. Nancy Pelosi's rarely-seen twin sister has never had botox.

2. "My job is to make Hillary look moderate." "My job is to make Hillary look thin."

3. I don' know a lot about art, but shouldn't they be playing poker?

4. "Women of the Left Wing" holds the record as Playboy's least popular pictorial of all-time.

5. "Yes, I can't believe they cancelled Commander-in-Chief either. Hold me, Cindy."

6. The Washington Post accidentally ran this picture with a caption referring to the breeding efforts of the Giant Pandas "Dum Dum" and "Tub Tub," but no one seemed to notice.

7. "Frankly, Cin', when you spend $30,000 a month having weapons-grade botulism toxin injected into your forehead, WMD just don't seem like a big deal."

8. Um, guys, the Dian Fossey documentary is on The Discovery Channel. This is obviously a scene from The View.

9. Pelosi wasn't sure what the appeal of 'bumping doughnuts was,' but she wanted to make Cindy happy and dispatched an intern the Krispy Kreme.

10. Just as Ted Kennedy drunkenly slurs 'Obama' into 'Osama,' Pelosi could not help herself from referring to her guest as 'Cindy Sh*thead.'

Best of Tomslick
The 2 finalists for lead singer of the band Slunt pose for the cameras.

Best of Van Helsing
All the other girls were asked to dance. The bitterness festered until Nancy and Cindy became transformed into moonbats.

Best of jeff
(identical thought by both) "She's touching me - I told my assistant not to let her touch me!

Best of moshingiv4k
Thanks, eHarmony

"Well, Nancy, if the definition of a gentleman is a man who puts the used condom in an ashtray when he's done, then, yes, Hugo is a gentleman."

Best of Jason
I don't know about you guys, but I keep my pets off of my furniture.

Bertha's bridesmaids stop for a photo-op.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
...And in this corner, The Plastic Politician and the Marauding Mourner...

In my "happy world", they're sitting on a "Venus fly-couch".


Best of racerboy
Oooh, ooh, I know this one!Tammy Faye and Ernest Borgnine... in the Conservatory... with a bowl of Maui Wowie!

Best of Frank IBC
Sen. Robert Byrd was taken off the Wilson/Plame investigation due to his consistent and shocking inability to pronounce "Niger" correctly.

Best of sonicfrog
"Wonder Twin Powers Activate!!!"
Form of -- a sour, dour, depressing, pessimistic, moonbat, anti-Bush crusader!
Hey -- that's my SuperPower!!!

I wish I knew how to quit me...
Yeah. Me too... (sigh)

Best of champaignken
Reason's number 1 and 2 why I am so happy to be gay!

Source: SheehanWatch

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I Don't Want Her You Can Have Her

1. "Honey, do you really think they'll stop the war because of your hunger strike?"

2. Hillary and Bill have sure come a long way.

3. "We'll be honeymooning in her Uncle's palace on the desert planet Tattooine."

4. They met through her personals ad: SWF, 33, hobbies include grazing in the pasture, hanging out at the truck scales, and buying shoes from Al Bundy.

5. "I just don't get why your bachelor friends gave us a 50 lb bag of flour for the honeymoon."

6. "I'm not hugging you, I was sucked in by your gravitational field."

7. Sally Struthers and Chris Elliot were married Saturday in a small private ceremony in Malibu.

8. "Those tracts of open land better be the size of freakin' Montana."

9. She was a generous soul, and forgave him for calling out the wrong name durng maritals, but she would always wonder who 'Free Willy' was.

10. "Before Bertha enlightened me, I was only mildly annoyed about cancer."

Best of David Simon
"What's my motivation for this scene, Mr. Waters?"

The tequila effect will be gone, but at least his arm will be numb when he gnaws it off.

Best of Adjustah
The last known photograph of Dennis "Breast Man" Foggo before he was found dead of a "crushed pelvis".

Congratulation on this here, the day of your weddin'. Love, Uncle Dad.

Best of Van Helsing
Fortunately Bertha's drool-shawl is surprisingly absorbent.

Best of prince of leaves
"Yeah, my Jimmy's kinda dim, but he's hung like a mule and got's teeth like a garden cultivator. Rowr!"

"I said I do!" Jimmy squeaked, "Now, can you please stop torquing my basket!?"

Best of David Simon

Best of Frank IBC
Ken Lay was initially horrified at the thought of having a sex change operation, and gaining 250 pounds, (plus massive plastic surgery) but eventually he realized it was the only truly safe disguise available.

Best of Zeke
Marti married her tumor as soon as it was removed and dressed.

Best of Tomslick
16,000 yards of polyester for wedding dress.
25,000 dollars
Auntie Fayes curtain for shawl
Stolen
Plastic bouguet similar to those recently placed in cemetary.
Stolen.
Dumbass pic of Wanda May and Cletus.
Priceless.

Best of jeff
Proof that there is indeed, somewhere out there, someone for everyone.
Unfortunately, the internet is helping them find each other.

Best of sonicfrog
♫ Loving You
Is easy 'cause you're beautiful...

La La La La La (slober)
La La La La La (slober)
La La La La La
La
La
La
Laaaaaa(slober)♫

Best of jeff
Proof that there is indeed, somewhere out there, someone for everyone.
Unfortunately, the internet is helping them find each other.

Best of champaignken
Next on Bravo's Project Runway Mississippi...Cletus hopes his prom dress wins him immunity.

Jimmy Carter congratulates the new Miss Georgia.

Gay rights activists unveil their new ad campaign for gay marriage - "Are you afraid we will damage this?"

Best of Cybrludite
Say, SOTG, do you hear someone playing "Duelling Banjos"?


Hat Tip: Franklin Delano IBCevelt

Saturday, July 08, 2006

The Return of Weekend Hometown Americana


1. The following, all three were arrested for being "Pissed Off About Herpes."

2. Good idea: Marching to raise money for cancer research. Bad idea: Selling off your sweaty stretch pants to raise money for cancer research.

3. "But why? What did Pedro and Leon ever do to us?"

4. "'Scrotal Inflators Against the War' want to know if they can borrow the sign next week."

5. Ironically, the sign was made entirely of flasky asbestos.

Source: Fair Use, bwah ha ha ha ha ha

Friday, July 07, 2006

The Mother of All Moonbats

1. "So, um, does anybody feel like you've sufficiently gotten even with your parents yet?"

2. "Where'd you get the matching outfits?" "Andrew Sullivan had a yard sale."

3. "Sunbeam, check out the look on Sheehan's face. She just crapped herself again."

4. Moments later, they were wiped off the face of the Earth by an incoming JDAM and it was the best Fourth of July ever!

5. After a while, the Peace Movement became so blase that not even John Murtha pissing on a flag could rouse much enthusiasm.

6. "The fact of the matter is, anybody who catches a whiff of Cindy's body funk loses their appetite for several days, and we figured, why not use that?"

7. "Wow, this is just like my high school prom... except I'm out in public and not alone in my bedroom crying and cutting myself."

8. After faking his death, Ken Lay dons a pink halter top and matching tiara, and hides in plain sight.

Best of lawhawk
There's never a D-9 around when you need to clear the deadwood.

Best of Silhouette
Along with overwhelming diveristy of race and age, the crowd represented the full range of occupations, from unemployed writers to unemployed speakers.

Best of divine miss m

"Moonbat Barbie" proved to be Mattel's marketing flop of the year.

Best of Kay
Aging hippies are usually distracted by big bright things, especialy Helen Thomas' birthday cake.

Best of Mr. Right
Tragically, Algore would arrive too late to save the Moonbat Queen from the wrath of the approaching Manbearpig..."

Best of prince of leaves
The protest generation has matured since their childhood days of screaming "I hate you daddy! Buy me a pony!" Or, maybe not...

"And even now, thirty years later, I just can't understand why our anti-war message wasn't taken more seriously." -- Cindy Sheehan, Autobiography of a Living Saint

The Society for Progressive Anachronism's annual Proteste Faire in Crawford runs through the end of August.

Pink: It's the new yellow.

Best of A.M. Mora y Leon
That's queen to you, imperialist scum! And fashioned out of my leftover hammer and sickle Christmas ornaments.

Best of Adjustah
"Mommy, can I please have Tragedy Pimp Barbie? She comes with, uh, I think that's Shrek?"



Hat tip: LFG

Navel Maneuvers


1. Vladimir Putin Welcomes a Young Boy to Russian Soccer Camp.

2. "Big deal," sniffed Barney Frank. "I once had a seven year old with the body of a six year old."

3. "Like who hasn't drank vodka shots from the navel of a six-year-old boy," Johnny Weir sniffed.

4. "Pinch my tits! Oh, gawd, yes! yes!"

5. "Why don't you ever want to cuddle?"

6. "Aw, Uncle Vladimir, I don't wanna play 'UN Peacekeeper' any more."

7. "Hold still kid, I've never done a navel piercing before."

8. Noticing the camera, Putin quickly called out, "Now, turn your head and cough!"

9. Concerned for the well-being of Russian youth, President Vladimir Putin personally "tastes-test" every one to screen for colon cancer.

10. Putin buys himself time by distracting the Grim Specter of Death long enough for the photographer to crop him, and thus deprive him of his power.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Dude, I know I'm a cute kid, but pop that tongue back in or lose it!"

Best of Submariner
Putie-poot's thought bubble: "Little Bastidge stepped in front of his sister just as I was "goin' in!" Oh well, I gotta make the most of it..."

I'll have his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti...

Best of Frank IBC
A few seconds later, Sasha put both of his hands on the top of Mr. Putin's head and gave a steady downward push.

The car carrying the "dead" Ken Lay had just arrived at the Politburo building. Unfortunately, the building had no inside entrances for cars, therefore Lay would be visible as he walked the 30 feet from the car to the main entrance. At the last moment, President Putin thoought of a diabolically clever diversion which saved the day.
Best of Silhouette
"Havin' my baby. What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me."

Best of David Simon
Aleksei is too young to have a trail, but Vlad found his way there nonetheless.

"Mr. Putin, for an ex-KGB man, you're a tad light in the loafers.

"Whoa. I donned my best come hither half top for Michael Jackson, not you, horseshoe head."

Best of Mr. Right
"Hold still, Little Neo, he's attempting to remove the bug. This might hurt a little..."

Полученное молоко?

"A little lower there, Comrade... and don't you think you should at least buy me an ice cream sundae first?"

Best of prince of leaves
While Vlad eyebrow wasn't as long or fat as Brezhnev's, he made up for his inadequacy through enthusiasm and an exhibitionist kink.

"Ooh, you're so gentle, Mr. Putin...not at all like that Zhirinovsky..."



AP Photo/RTR-Russian Television Channel