Friday, June 30, 2006

A Clown and a Hurricane

1. ORA: "Come on Mikey, We all float down here."

2. And this was just one of many of those "awkward moments."

3. "Bro', y'all's gots to lose that 'fro and gitch yo'self a tight fashionable weave."

4. "... and then we got to brainstorming around the concept, 'How Can We Make Headlice Inspections More Festive.'"

5. Another Gitmo detainee is humiliated. The Boyfriend and The Beagle brace for a rough night.

6. "So, do you live around here or... do you have the day off... or, how about that local sports team ..."

7. "Soylent McNuggets are made out of people!"

8. "Send in...the pirate hookers... those smelly, horny pirate hookers ... don't bother, they're ...here......"

9. Mike Commodore had never been a Morrissey fan, nevertheless, couldn't get the phrase 'Hairdresser on Fire' out of his mind.

10. Barry Gibb endures the first of what would be an eternity of Hell's torments.

Best of Rodney Dill
...no, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Best of Van Helsing
It's nice to see that James Traficant's hair stylist is still in business, even if Traficant isn't.

Best of jeff
The real truth about Ronald's wigs.

Best of sonicfrog
NYT headline gives away more closely guarded state secrets: "Cheney's Whereabouts And Secret Identity Revealed At Last!"

Best of Adjustah
It was then that Giovani knew that the FBI was not taking his witness protection relocation seriously at all.

"Oh Lord, not this clown again..."

McSpa: It wasn't Ronald's cut and blow dry that killed him. It was a tragic accident involving Grimace's Swedish massage and the HamBurglar's Secret Sauce Footsoak™

Best of Submariner
So, uh, where's my usual barber, Smoochy?

I asked for a topless barber, not one with "nothing upstairs..."

Mr. Commodore, this such a thrill for me; I'm such a big fan! I just loved "Three Times A Lady!"

You sure you want "a little of the top and sides?" After all, this mop looks like it'd even stop a MacInnis slapshot...

Best of Frank IBC
After vetting two dozen candidates, finally one was found with the exact color needed for Cindy Sheehan's merkin.

Best of divine miss m
"I didn't want to be a fast-food pitchman or a barber anyway. I wanted to be...a lumberjack!"

Best of prince of leaves
In a bizarro world where there are no psychopaths, Ted Kaczynski gets his hair done at John Wayne Gacy's salon.

"Are you sure those are steroids you've been shooting?" Ronald asked Danny Bonaduce. "I wasn't aware that runaway hair growth was one of the side effects."

Best of Merovign
1001 things not to do: #347 - Lose a bet with a McDonalds franchise owner.

Source: AssPress Photo/Karen Tam

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Cage Match

1. For a moment, Andrew Sullivan was thisclose to being cured of his Abu Ghraib torture fetish.

2. Rosie O'Donnell and Babs Streisand were determined to settle who was the Queen of the limousine whackjob liberals.

3. Tempers flare during Hour Two of Cindy Sheehan's hunger strike.

4. Somebody dropped a McNugget, and there was only one way to settle it.

5. Magritte's Ceci n'est pas une bataille de chat erotique.

6. The Gay Culture's most effective recruiting tool... for men.

7. Bi? Gay? Questioning? Or just drawn to the spectacle of two fat chicks wailing on each other?

8. "No, children, never go into the Black Forest," warned Sully the Wizard. "It's dark, and tangly, and smells terrible."

9. The Indigo Girls Audition Cage Dancers.

10. Of course, a Facts of Life movie could also be a bad thing...

Best of Rodney Dill
It was the queefing of Somewhere Over the Rainbow that brought tears to my eyes... literally.

Best of Silhouette
But there's no ceiling! All they have to do is lift themselves up over the... Uh, now that I think about, it is escape-proof.

Free Moooo-mia.

Best of The Man
Sign on cage: Don't feed the fat chicks.

After a night of heavy drinking, Bob picked up a couple of hot chicks who were dressed as Catholic School Girls. Bob realized that he had a drinking problem when he woke up in a cage with 2 naked, fat hippies.

Best of Submariner
OBR: "Andrea Dworkin, I wish I knew how to quit you."

So; which Clinton you interning for?

Being granted their wish to be worshipped, Rosie O'Donnell and Roseann Barr are prepared for shipment to New Delhi.

Best of Van Helsing
Neither will leave the cage alive; the winner has to stay in and fight Hillary.

ORA Inspired by Van Helsing
"Two Cows Enter! One Cow Leaves! Two Cows Enter! One Cow Leaves!"

Best of jeff
The most misdirected captive breeding program ever.

Best of Adjustah
It was only then that Zap Brannigan knew that "Death by Snoo Snoo" was not going to be as sextacular as he'd hoped.

...but would the manatees breed in captivity?

Best of Merovign
Well, can you think of a better place to keep them?


Source: Mike and Zane
Thanks for the Lid, Timmeh!

Giggity Thursday, Slacker Schoolgirl Edition

1. "Excuse me, sir, could you direct us to the Japanese Businessmen's Convention?"

2. "So, which Clinton are you interning for?"

3. "Am I concerned with Global Jihadist Terrorism? Like ... whatever."

4. "Honey, I just need to get on the internet and do some online spanking... I mean, banking!"

5. I'm sorry, But since I grew up watching Joss Whedon shows like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and Firefly... petite schoolgirls scare the sh*t outta me.

6. "Hey, Tabitha, do you think now that Norm Mineta's gone, they'll change the DOT dress code?"

7. Suddenly, a movie version of The Facts of Life doesn't seem like a bad idea.

8. Whether out on the town, or just lounging in the school cafeteria, you'll look smashing in designer fashions by Scott Ritter.

Best of Van Helsing
Now I get why Slick Willie was in favor of school uniforms.

Best of The Man
VtheK presents: Things not seen at YearlyKos.
#243: A hot chick
#244: Two hot chicks

Bill Clinton agrees with Barak Obama and urges Dems to court Christians... starting with Catholic School Girls.

Best of Divine Miss M
Angus Young called; he wants his stage clothes back.

Best of racerboy
Somewhere, Johnny Weir is cringing over all that plaid.

Best of Cybrludite
iut'ws diufgfgiucult tok tyhp[e swiuth the keysw swtiucok tokfgther...

Best of Submariner
By the number of bills in her thigh-highs, I can tell that Kimmie is a pretty good dancer...

Best of Merovign
Now, THIS is why I'm an infidel!

Best of Adjustah
"Dammit man! I said I want a party filled with LOOKERS!"

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Somebody Get Dawn Some Duct Tape For Her Head

1. "Ring around the m*****f*****' rosies, pocket full of m*****f*****' posies..."

2. "The ACLU made us cancel our Christmas Pageant, so we're having a Wiccan Fertility Rite instead."

3. "There! Now all the grown-ups have been wished into the corn."

4. "Senator Byrd, What are you doing with that firehose?"

5. "Here comes Angelina Jolie. Now, look cute like chipmunks and maybe we'll get outta this dump."

6. "Oh, sorry girls, when we told you you'd be 'entertaining' some UN peacekeepers, we didn't mean with squaredancing."

7. "Crap, Star Jones just walked in. So much for our six-month supply of food."

8. "Apparently Scott Ritter, Woody Allen, and Gary Glitter all simultaneously came down with Jungle Fever."

9. "Mr. Doyle, we really like staying in your Homeland Security shelter, but Hurricane Katrina was nine months ago. Hasn't Bush stopped hating us yet?"

10. "Mrs. Gifford says break's over, get your asses back to work."

Source: AssPress/Matt Houston

The Korean Martin Lawrence

1. Gay Pride Parades in Pyongyang are... kinda sad.

2. Kim Che farts have a devastating blast radius.

3. The Axe Effect comes to Asia.

4. Norm Mineta thought his humiliation was complete, then Karl Rove pantsed him.

5. Jackie Chan is 'The Jerk!' "I was born a poor brack child..."

6. "Damn you Arec Baldwin!!"

7. "We got spirit! Yes, we do! Dammit, where the hell is the rest of the squad?"

8. Caucasian schizophrenics often believe they're Napoleon. Asian schizophrenics often believe they're Bill Clinton.

9. ORA*: "The old glay mare she AIN'T what she used to be, AIN'T what she used to be..."

10. The Korean arm of "Breasts Not Bombs" has exactly one member.

Best of Cybrludite
Failed Superhero Concepts #523: Half-Naked Asian Man

Further proof that Kim wasn't the sharpest ginsu in the drawers...

Best of racerboy
I'm...
Too sexy for my shirt...
Too sexy for my shirt...
Soo sexxxy it hurts...

Best of The Man
North Korean traffic symbols seem strange to westerners.

YearlyKos 2007: Pyongyang

Best of Rodney Dill
"Pardon me, but you were asked to CLAP!"

Best of Silhouette
"Well that's everything. I must have left my keys back at the restaurant."

Failed ad campaign #1066: Shop downtown this weekend, where everything is 75 percent off.

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
After one too many "Dog Buffet" jokes, Vietnamese restaurant owner Cho Xi Xuck lost his composure and challenged anyone in earshot to "bite-a on dees, my big-uh trouser schnauzer."

Best of champaignken
North Korea prepares to unveil its new long range missle.

Best of WALSTIB
Where wir you be ren your raxitive start working?"

Best of Adjustah
"It WORKS! I'm INVISIBLE!!!"

Best of Submariner
Boxers or briefs? No, dammit, no! A simple verbal answer was all that was needed...

♪It's just a jump to the reft,
And then a step to the right.
With your hands on your hips,
You bring your knees in ti-i-ight.
But it's the pearvic thrust,
That rearry drives you insay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ane!
Ret's do the 'Time Warp' again!♪

Source: Yahoo News/AssPress Photo/Ahn Young-joon

*Obscure Reference Advisory, in this case, the Season 4 Simpsons episode "Krusty Gets Kancelled."

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The Cougar Club

1. Bed Bath & Beyond was puzzled by the recent wave of shoplifting.

2. "Helen Thomas is doing a nude fertility dance? There goes my Vindaloo."

3. Mrs Pradesh was completely unaware that the sniper was about to put one right between her eyebrows.

4. "This blows. I'm gonna start a mosh pit. Who's with me?"

5. "Apparition of the Virgin Mary? Girlfriend, are you ever in the wrong place!"

6. "See, grandma, you're never too old for Chippendale's."

7. "Oh, no, Granny, you sat in the wet spot."

8. "Ssssh, Grandma. Senator Byrd is about to explain how to preserve the purity of the White Race."

9. "Don't be shy, grandma. Go right up to Dr. Kevorkian and tell him what you want."

10. "Oh, don't worry about dinner, grandma. He's probably stoned again."

Best of Silhouette
Sixty years later, Delta House still throws the best parties.

Best David Simon
"Sorry Ms. Patel, Ms. Patel and Ms. Patel. If it takes you this long to load a clip into a 9-mil, you're probably not a good Seven Eleven franchisee candidate."

In the next episode of Simple Life India, members of the Brahmin Caste are told to rake the latrines.

The Bombay Women's Club seemed to concur: Arundhati Roy is one crazy bitch.

The sight of Rosie O'Donnell in a sari had everyone in the room wondering why they worshipped cows.

Best Van Helsing
"Have some patience, Grandma. She'll start taking her clothes off as soon as she's let the anticipation build."

Best WALSTIB
So you say it's called the "G" spot?? Hmmm... well, why don't you give me a call sixty years ago, when I could have used that!

Best champaignken
Hooters looks to out source its waitresses to India. Ms. Patel isn't sure what a chicken wing is (or what hooters are).

Best Submariner
Hermione wasn't pleased with the latest Defense Against the Dark Arts professor's example of the results of an "Agemonius Cuntas-Cruciatiatus Curse." On the other hand, Professor Snape was tickled purple.

Motel 6 Management Training Seminar, Day 1; Sheet recycling techniques...

Source: Brandy Baker/ Detroit News Photoblog

Sir Mix-A-Lot, Please Pick Up the White Courtesy Phone

1. "Dude, either I've had too much beer or that chick's butt looks like Jay Leno's chin."

2. "So, Dr. Moreau infused you with camel DNA? Damn."

3. "I see Mr. Gravity is no friend of Mr Silicone Implants."

4. "So, when can they finish the liposuction, Senator Clinton?"

5. Only a few select Democrats knew of Nancy Pelosi's inoperable brain tumor.

6. "No, Mr. Sullvan, I don't have a brother."

7. Much like Pinocchio, every time the New York Times betrays national security, Maureen Dowd's butt swells a little more.

8. In the original screenplay, the alien was supposed to implant in Sigourney Weaver's butt.

9. "You're smuggling how many illegals in your butt?"

10. "I thought the sex-change would cure my scrotal inflation fetish, alas..."

Best of Rodney Dill
That thing better beep when she backs up

Golden Palace just couldn't wait to make their pitch for this advertising space.

Through an unfortunate typeo, Hillary had been ministered with the less popular Buttox treatment, instead of Botox.

Best of tuffbeingright
Senator Kennedy's only male intern finally spots a target that would fulfill his boss's odd requirement: "Must maintain positive buoyancy"

Best of Lyn
You win. I can't stick my gut out that far.

Best of Zeke
Maggie's patented "beer Butt storage locker" soon became the hottest gift item on the Nascar circuit

Best of andthenblammo!
That's not just 'junk in the trunk', that's the whole scrapyard.

And they laughed when Nike moved their volleyball division into the implant market............

Best of T. Harris
Amanda's butt-clench exercises were about to pay off big time. She would soon dazzle the crowd by stooping down, picking up a full keg of beer by the tap and heaving it into a waiting ice tub, hands free.

Best of divine miss m
I shudder to think about where it'll be after 40.

Be sure to knock off the beer early; you don't want to be caught with your face in between making motorboat noises.

"He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? She's called... Incontinentia.... Incontinentia Buttocks."

Best of The Man
It's not a tumor.

Best of Tomslick
Finally, wikipedia found the perfect pic to go along with their shelf ass entry.

The swimsuit competition for Ms. YearlyKos was Jenny's until that bitch came in dressed like an Elf with a +2 Magic Bow.

Best of Submariner
"What hump?"

Best of AM42
"So, I learned the hard way that if you're going to fly to Mexico to get cheek implants, you'd better be able to speak at least some Spanish."

Just one of the possible side effects of holding in your farts.

Best of racerboy
Saying 'baby's got back' is like saying 'Keith Richards has a passing interest in recreational pharmaceuticals.'

I'd sure hate to be around when she opens up a keg of whoop-ass.


Best of prince of leaves
When they spotted the gravitational distortion his neutronium codpiece imparted on objects around him as he passed, the alien hunters knew they had at last sighted their elusive quarry.

Kuatto's sister was a force to be reckoned with on post-independence Mars.

Best of Mr. Right
With its big yellow hat on, no one seemed to notice the giant walking penis as it strolled the beach in search of the elusive vagina of unusual size.

Best of WALSTIB
Captain's Log - startdate 37.15.2, Supllemental: While responding to a distress signal from a Klingon vessel near the uncharted double planet of Heranus, our helm is no longer responding. The overwhelming gravitational pull of the giant double orbs are too much for our warp drive...We're being sucked into a giant dark crevice where apparently the sun never shines...Must. Get. Away. From. Heranus....


Hat Tip: Silhouette

Monday, June 26, 2006

How Festive

1. Scientologists were thrilled when Lord Xenu arrived on Earth to vindicate them. Normal people responded the way they usually responded to Scientology: "Wow, that's really gay."

2. Jamie Gumb returns from the scene of the Smurf massacre.

3. Upon seeing this picture, Dwight realized that "troubled" was a relative term.

4. Andrew Sullivan was adamant that his bridesmaids not outshine him.

5. Since no one could take the Zontarg Supreme Commander seriously, the Earth was doomed.

6. Weekday Job: Sex Ed Coordinator at your kid's Middle School.

7. Would you buy a used Miata from this man?

8. Barney Frank's re-election campaign begins door-to-door canvassing

9. Ricky got beaten up a lot in school. He still gets beaten up a lot, mostly by a bearded biker dressed as Judy Garland.

10. It's called dignity, look into it sometime.

11. ORA: "Oh boy.... Al?.... Ziggy?... Get me the Hell outta here."

Best of divine miss m
Rainbow stripes and a formal bow before 6 pm? Emily Post would roll over in her grave!

So, like, would this be an example of 'people of color,' or 'colored people'?

Best of Silhouette
"Want I should show you my pot of gold?"

The dangeRs of passing out drunk when your friends have access to tempera paint.

Gary was good at charades. The answer was "Cici my playmate."

I wasn't sure what color your daughter's prom dress was and I wanted to make sure I matched.

Best of The Man
Blue...it's the new black

Best of WALSTIB
Ding Dong...."Package for you."

"Where the white women at?"

I know why you're staring! I feel totally stupid with these gloves on.

Does my gaunt, homoerotically abused body make my head look big?

Best of Rodney Dill
"I didn't take it, but I gave LSD to all my friends."

Best of T. Harris
"Oh look, honey. The Cirque de Sofuckinqueerthatitdefiesdescription is in town!"

Best of Submariner
There's an old joke about "...screwin' a parrot in the jungle and wonderin' if you're my son." This idjit would make a perfect visual...

Oh c'mon, folks; haven't you ever seen a Unitarian before?

I think I saw this guy on display in the Roswell Museum. I'm just sayin'...

Best of Tomslick
Pull


Best of racerboy
Andrew Sullivan looks forward to sampling some of the local color.

So I guess it's safe to say the blueballs hasn't gotten any better, huh Bill?


Best of prince of leaves
Thought bubble: "Heh, my camouflage field renders me invisible to these humans! I can roam amongst them at will, unobserved!"

Best of Mr. Right
One of the villains from the upcoming Superman movie brings a whole new meaning to the phrase: "Kneel before Zod!"

♪ It's not easy bein' aquamarine ♪

"Mr. Dill? Hi, I'm here to take your son to the prom..."

Best of Cybrludite
So, this is who was behind the spikey-boot wearing whip-chick!

Best of What, me worry?
John Kerry supporters come in all stripes and colors.


Ace and Van Helsing had this image first.

Doin' the Dog

1. "Dammit, Rex, I wish I knew how to quit you."

2. "Rammit Ranrew, Ri Rish Ri Rew Row Ro Rit Rou."

3. "Oh, Rex, as soon as I saw you kissing the bride at that WASP wedding, I knew you were the only one for me."

4. "It was awful, Rex. Some guy named Ronaldo kept hitting on me, then this other guy grabbed my jewels, and there was a painted Mexican, and three Angolan homos, and a guy with Rambo on his head, and then we lost to Ghana. It just feels to be back at home in the pool, making out with my best friend."

5. "Is that a Christmas tree light in your groin or are you just happy to see me?"

6. "Rex, Do you renounce all the forces of evil, do you renounce the devil and all his empty promises?”

7. "Who the hell does Rick Santorum think he is, anyway?"

8. "Wouldn't you know, my first day as a Hollywood call-boy, and I get stuck with Janeane Garofalo."

9. "Careful, babe, or someone's gonna drown in those eyes of yours."

10. "But eventually, the money disappeared in a haze of drugs and partying, and Air Bud was reduced to making pr0n, just to make ends meet..." - Air Bud: The E True Hollywood Story.

Best of catbat
They always argued about who would be the bitch.

Best of Rodney Dill
Whaddy mean you like to watch dog-cat hot Lesbo action? You must be one of those Jerry Springer Spaniels.

I'm sorry Buddy cheated on you, but hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Best of tuffbeingright
Rover knew it couldn't last but gave in anyway. After all, he had 9 puppies at home he had to support and get through obedience school, and he had only just started making contributions to their 529 plan.

Best of divine miss m
Life's lesson #735: if you ever ask a genie for a hot dumb blonde naked in the pool, be specific.

"Have you heard? My cousin Dan's taken up with a golden retriever!"
"Male or female?"
"Why, female, of course. There's nothing queer about ol' Dan."

Best of Van Helsing
The honeymoon gets underway after another Massachusetts marriage.

Best of nevergrewup
"Whata ya say we get out of this pool and smell each others asses."

Best of Silhouette
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Best of Submariner
ORA: In the final episode, Capt. Steve Burton and an un-named extra finally meet their tragic end when a giant flushes.

"When Harry Met Sal" was a concept film whose time had come.

Best of attmay
This is why Disney suppressed the director's cut of The Shaggy Dog for so many years.

Rat Rip: Rubmariner
Rource: Roffice Rirates.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Blasty From the Pasty

1. "I like you Phil. I'm not giving you the promotion, but would you care to spend the weekend at my place on Fire Island."

2. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about your son, Mr Sullivan. Lots of boys go through a stage where they dress up like a fairy princess and sodomize themselves with a frozen kielbasa."

3. "So, then Dwight walked right in on me in a leather mask and Mitsy riding the pool boy with a strap-on, but Father Shanley assures us that with a lot of private counseling, he should be perfectly fine by the time he's in his teens."

4. "Anyway, Mitsy and I converted to Scientology, and now we have a swap every Thursday. So, what do you say, Old Bean? Do you think Muffy would be game?"

5. "C'mon Old Boy. If you welcome the fire, you'll be with the Lord today. Don't you want to be with the Lord?"

6. "And so I bricked up Prough91 into the fireplace, and claimed all the Smelly Pirate Hooker Captions as my own."

7. "And so, you now have the terms of our wager: Survive the night, and I'll give you your freedom."

8. "Well, the vasectomy didn't take, so I had the damned thing cut off. What the hell do I need it for anymore, anyway?"

9. "So you see, Tad. 9-11 was entirely the work of the gawdam Jooos!"

10. "OK, so I'm not a single, Orlando Bloom lookalike, ... but you're not a 13-year-old nymphomaniac, either."

Vis: Office Pirates on a tip from Submariner

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Blasty From the Pasty

1. "Now, Mr. Clinton can be sort of awkward, he'll usually cop a feel and then drop trou and expect you to know what to do, but it's all pretty simple and rather quaint in its way. Mrs. Clinton on the other hand, gets right to the point and whips out the leather and chains. The bruises go away after a few days, but you may need a few weeks at a spa to recover psychologically."

2. "Thanks, Mary Jo, for bringing these accounting irregularities to our attention. You're right, in the wrong hands, it might look like someone was paying the mob to supply him with hookers. Senator Kennedy is so grateful, he wanted to know if you'd like to join him at his family's place in Chappaquiddick this weekend."

3. "That's a lovely bow, Marlene. What do you say we go back to my place and I'll see if I can untie it with my tongue."

4. "So, that Calvin Klein guy knocked you up and then disappeared? Well, don't worry about it. Just marry that McFly guy real quick and no one will be the wiser."

5. "Marlene, there's a dead woodchuck on my desk. Do you know anything about it?"

6. "Oh, Marlene... there are so many things a woman can do for another woman that a man could never do."

7. "A, B, C, E, D, H, K... no, that's not it... A, B, D, F, E, H, I, Q, Batman Symbol ... no,that's not it..." Linda hated teaching blonds how to file.

8. "You don't have to be crazy to work here... just have a bounteous rack."

9. "I see you've got a little 'afterglow' on your dress. Here, let me get it."

10. "Marlene, your desk is vibrating. Better set it to low..."

Source: Office Pirates
Hat Tip: Submariner

Friday, June 23, 2006

Soccer Remains Gay

1. "I don't think V the K has realized how sick we are of soccer pics. Stomp on his head a few more times."

2. "Leon, I don't like the way those Anal Glo guys are looking at us."

3. Al Gore pointed to the 200 MPH downdraft as proof of ManBearPig Global Warming.

4. Pedro was the bastard love child of David Schwimmer and Tippy Turtle.

5. "So, Pedro, you file that malpractice suit against the plastic surgeon yet?"

Hat Tip: Franq IBC

Soccer Is... What?


1. Ronaldo, the younger years.

2. "Dammit, mom and dad, there's a reason NAMBLA Soccer Camp had the lowest rates."

3. "Well," Billy sighed. "It's still better than being an interning for Barney Frank."

4. "C'mon, you guys. That was our last ball. Help me rip this thing off so we can use it instead."

5. "Gesundheit!"

6. "Man on boy mud wrestling? That's why I love Europe. It's so open-minded."

7. "It's not raining. The painted Mexican dude is just shaking off his armpit sweat."

8. ♪"Hold me closer, tiny dancer..."

9. Midget tossing? Still legal there? Europe, there may be hope for you yet.

10. "You see, Billy, raindrops are the tears God cries when you touch yourself."

Hat Tip: Divine Miss M
Source: CNN

PS. Headline: Ronaldo ties all-time Cup scoring record

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Counterpoint: Soccer Is Not Gay

1. "C'mon, smell it. You'll never guess where it's been."

2. "Is Mitch Pileggi still staring at my ass?" "'Fraid So."

3. "I don't know, that one Angola guy looks kinda hot, but he's no painted Mexican."

4. The two smelly pirate hookers rolled Captain America, left him tied up in the hotel, and went out to enjoy a lovely afternoon of soccer.

5. "You divorced your husband for that? Hell, I caught Alec doing much worse, and that was with livestock." Kim Basinger reminisces.

6. Despite the horrible accident at the lumber mill, Ashlynne bravely continued making peace signs.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hooray for the Red, White, and Giggidy!

"Show as much cleavage as you want, Janice... All us Republicans eventually end up in heaven anyway."

Best of Rodney Dill
"I think we scored a touchdown, now its the end of the inning."

Best of Submariner
No silly; you have to use both your both index finger AND your thumb to carry her like a six-pack...

Y'know, Daphne, after watching our boys fail to score, I'm thinking about making a "run for the border" myself...

Best of The Man
Team USA could not score against even these chicks.

Best of curly
"World cup?" "No, just C's!"

“To get the attention of a guy, do you prefer the submissive Vodafone technique or the more sadistic T-Mobile gear grab?”

“That Mexican Felipe can jump my border anytime!”

Best of andthenblammo!
This picture, and this picture alone, caused an additional 50,000 illegal aliens to crash our southern borders last night. Way to help out, Time Warner!

Best of David Simon
"Not even close, sweetie. I've been ridden by Ron Jeremy and Jeff Stryker. Guess again how many fingers will fit inside me."

"Hey Cheney, how the hell can you be falling asleep?"

"What gives, Andrew? I've never seen you get so upset at the flag being improperly displayed."

Best of sonicfrog
"Counterpoint: Soccer Is Not Gay?" Oh please. They're Lesbians!!!

Best of Van Helsing
I knew there had to be Americans out there somewhere who really care who wins a soccer game.

Best of Steve
In America... first, you get dee money.
Den you get dee POWER!
Den...you get the WOMEN, and you don't give a crap about soccer.

Best of lawhawk
Clean:
1 - the total number of goals scored by the USA in the entire tournament!
1 - the total number points scored by the USA in the World Cup this year.

---
Not so clean:
Those world cups runneth over.
I'll have what she's having.
Maybe Team USA would have done better had they seen my world cups instead of the flag.


Source: Sports Illustrated's Soccer Freak Essay. (Fair Use, you Time-Warner Pig-Dogs!)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Soccer Is Gay 4=Ever

1. And then, Keanu Reeves sprung forth fully formed from the loins of Zeus.

2. ORA: Quagland was Team Quahog's secret weapon.

3. Ronaldo never really adjusted to leaving the Fighting Vodafones.

4. "Look, Ronaldo, you don't have to quit me. Just let go once in a while."

5. "Cut it out. The German Angola fans are getting too excited."

6. They'll never make the front of a Wheaties box, but Special K is definitely interested.

7. "I said, 'our shoelaces seemed to be tied together!'"

8. ORA: "No! I will be the one to kick the head of Strong Bad's albino cousin."

9. "I knew it! You've been inflating it again, haven't you?"

Hat Tip: Tuff, who pre-submits

- Hey! You're not supposed to touch the balls with your hands!

- Micheal Jackon's plans to rebuild his wealth with the first annual "NeverLand Ranch Olympics" did not garner the network TV interest he had hoped.
Best of racerboy
Is this what you call a "clutch" play?

You heard the one about the Scottish footballers? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Cantkeephishandsoffpatrickstesticles?

Best of jeff
Rick & Dick were forever frustrated - siamese twins, playing for different teams.

Best of Rodney Dill
Prior to this, no one had ever heard ♫ GOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!! ♫ in full soprano.

Best of The Man
Why no one wants to be Andrew Sullivan's partner for the 3-legged race.

T-Mobile wants you to reach out and touch someone.

Best of sonicfrog
I know you see mitosis occur during the growth of a human embryo, but I've never heard of it happening to an adult!

In order to get to the ball, Luis, not the brightest bulb in the hallway, tries in vain to shift Andriy into reverse.

Best of Silhouette
You can't get hair to stick up like this with just any hair gel. Thank you "There's Something About Mary."

Adam was always checking for extra customers for his parttime Mohel buisness.

Failed new Olympic combination sport: pairs figure skating and metric football.

Best of Submariner
OK! OK! I'll come with you!

٠T٠H٠E٠ Moby? No way - they both have too much hair...

"Y'know, Sven; erections lasting more than 4 hours should lead you to seeking a doctor, not a partner."
"Shut up, Juan, and answer the Vodaphone..."

Best of curly
While Vodafone aimed for the “normal” gay audience, T-Mobile’s endorsements targeted the more violently aggressive homosexuals.

Red shirt: “Sorry, man…You’d better put some ice on it!”
Yellow shirt: “Hell with that! I’m gonna see Ronaldo!”

Best of David Simon
"It's real, and it's fabulous."

"I would've appreciated the reach around a lot more last night, Manuel."

The most extreme case of a guy being led around by his dick that I've ever seen.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"You're the asshole who keeps putting 'W' next to 'V' in the verification words so we can't tell which is which?!?... Take THAT!... Now where's that 'i' and 'j' clown at?"

Inspired by lawhawk
Until he watched World Cup action, Andrew Sullivan didn't think anything could be a bigger turn on than Abu Ghraib pics.

Source: Roto-Reuters/Damir Sagolj

Soccer Is Gay, III

1. More like, An-GAY-La

2. "Dudes, if we're going to spell out 'Go Anal' you've got to stay in position, as it were..."

3. "I can't believe we got tossed out of the Pride Parade for being insufficiently deviant."

4. "I still wish we could have just worn chiffon and a tasteful string of faux-pearls."

5. "According to Mr. Cruise, Scientology bachelor parties are traditionally all-male and clothing optional."

6. Angola: African for Fabulous.

7. "Wherever there is body paint, wherever there are noisemakers, wherever men coordinate their capes with boxer shorts, you will find... the three amigos."

8. "The capes and Anal beads from YearlyDish are way better than those hats we got at YearlyKos."

9. P-FLAG made sure the funeral of Fred Phelps was a festive and unforgettable occasion.

10. Completely OT, but, have you seen the urinals at Andrew Sullivan's place.

Best of Rodney Dill
So drunk they couldn't spell "A GOAL" correctly

Brokeback Superheroes

Best of Submariner
The "Fighting Lobsters" added black to their uniforms to make themselves more fear-inspiring.
Didn't work.

Best of The Man
Al Gore arrives to tens of fans

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Angola trots out three of the country's four white citizens for a World Cup commercial.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
SOTG, Rodney Dill, and Submariner celebrate the fact that each can make a rectangle with Legos.

Best of sonicfrog
Failed ad campaign # 2: "Soccer. It's more exciting than a spelling bee!!!"

Best of Submariner
Mo, Larry, CHEESE!

Though die-hards, the last 3 Flames fans eventually had to admit the season was over and went home.

Best of prince of leaves
The Three Falsettos weren't as popular as the Three Tenors.

Best of curly
Fans from Angola cheer Ronaldo on.

Hat Tip: Divine Miss M
Source: Sports Illustrated's Soccer Freak Essay. (Fair Use, you Time-Warner Pig-Dogs!)

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Soccer Is Gay, II

1. Mexican armpit funk is a WMD by the standards of the UN High Commission on Chemical Agents.

2. "But, Captain Kirk, He is green on one side, red on the other side, and white in the middle. Whereas my race is red one side, white on the other side, and green in the middle. Also, they wear sombreros."

3. "Dang, where the heck do they make these cheap-ass lycra body stockings? Oh..."

4. "No thanks, Sr. Bush, I already am nasty."

5. Felipe had no idea what he was in for when Andrew Sullivan picked him up in front of the Home Depot.

6. Just another California Democrat pandering to his base, nothing to see here.

7. "Hi, Mr Submariner. I'm here to pick up your... son."

8. Jealous of the new spokes symbol, the Taco Bell chihuahua piddled on his Air Jordans.

9. "Well, you may be confident, but dry and secure? Not from downwind where I'm standing, Paco."

10. In case you're wondering, the dill is also painted green.

Best of Van Helsing
School uniforms come to Los Angeles.

Best of Submariner
Nothing to see here. Just a demonstration of the Mexican ass-hat dance, please move along.

Stan Lee's original Hulk® was a deemed a bit too ethnic to sell.

Best of jeff
Somehow the amateur jobs never quite looked as good as Rachel Hunter in SI's swimsuit edition...

Best of prince of leaves
"¡Pueden limpiar los olor mal de nuestras axilas, pero pueden nunca tomar nuestra liiibertaaaad!"

Best of bubbalove
Your mother smells of pinto beans! I throw my pit-stink in your general direction!

Best of Cybrludite
Unsuccessful superhero concepts #141: Capitan Mexico

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Unsuccessful superhero concepts #142: The Jalepeno Avenger.

The idea was interesting; Hulk, Silver Surfer, and Daredevil combined into a single entity by radiation. It was surprising when presales of the comic debut skyrocketted in Tijuana.

"EL KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Best of Slap Shot
The real President Bush after the lithium wears off.

Best of Rodney Dill
Jason won the Halloween costume contest as a BLT Sandwich.

Best of Frank IBC
Felipe's attempt to infiltrate the Metrosexual Mexican Mafia failed when he revealed his untrimmed, let alone unshaven, armpits.

Best of sonicfrog
Failed ad campaign # 1: "Soccer. It's the Pitts!!!"

Best of curly
Mexican champion peach picker Felipe shows off his prize winning fruit grabbing technique at the NAFTA Harvester Competition.



Hat Tip: Divine Miss M
Source: Sports Illustrated's Soccer Freak Essay. (Fair Use, you Time-Warner Pig-Dogs!)

Soccer Is Gay, I

1. ORA"Master Blaster Runs Bartertown!"

2. Sylvester Stallone's MiniMe prepares to snap the neck of another unsuspecting victim.

3. Rob Reiner and his highly unusual colostomy bag.

4. Just to be safe, it's lined with tinfoil.

5. In West Hollywood, the hankie code has gotten ridiculously complex. This man is seeking someone to perform autoerotic asphyxiation on him while dressed as Sylvester Stallone.

Best of Van Helsing
Michael Moore's skull is crushed by a patriotic demon conjured by his own guilty conscience.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Yeah, I see her... top row, green-flower bikini top... Dang, nice ta-ta's!"

ORA: Wayland Flowers and Madman?

Relatively new to the Witness Protection Program, Fat Tony was not familiar with the word "inconspicuous".

There are symbiotes far stranger than the Goa'uld.

Best of Submariner
Looking at the shape of the grin, methinks that he molests his hat from the side in private...

Best of Silhouette
Misunderstanding the hat requirements for his first Shriner's meeting, Bob comes to the Temple wearing a Pez.

Best of Rodney Dill
At last someone gets Zaphod Beeblebrox

It was the penis tongue puppet that really completed the ensemble.

Best of jeff
Paul Verhoerven follows up on his smash hit "Starship Troopers" with "The Puppet Masters."

Best of Occasional Reader
ORA: "Start the reactor. Free Mars."

Best of bubbalove
After years of careful cutting, pruning and shaping, Leroy finally has his skull tumor tricked out enough to allow a visit to the outside world.

Best of curly
A guy walks into the bar with a Rambo hat on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey where'd you get that?" The Rambo hat says, "It started as a small bump on my butt..."

Rambo's hemorrhoid looked just like Michael Moore.


Hat Tip: Divine Miss M
Source: Sourts Illustrated Soccer Freaks PhotoEssay

Monday, June 19, 2006

And now, a bull with three horns

1. Lordi, the early days

2. These Plushie/Nude Opera Singer marriages never work out.

3. What do they have in common? The same sh*t the comes out of his ass comes out of her mouth.

4. "Hey, stinky chick, mind if I graze in your thatch?"

5. "I wanted to see a Mexican chick get banged by a real bull! You suck, McCain! This is the worst birthday ever!" Ted Kennedy fumed.

Best of Submariner
Girl's thought bubble; "I wonder if that's his foreleg or he's just happy to see me?"
Bull's thought bubble; "Giggidy, giggidy..."

Although Starflower gave every indication she was open for a roll in the hay, Moo-oooo-oooveOn.com's spokes-steer never seemed to get horny...

Best of curly
Titties! The udder white meat!

Best of prince of leaves
"Me so horny!"

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
Even though Gary was more concerned about cockfighting, he couldn't bring himself to slip on the giant foam penis.

"Uh... Honey... You're an animal lover, right? Could you help a brother out? It's time for my milking. Yeah, that big udder standing up right there. Yeah, just like that."

"Got pretentious indignity?"

It never crossed Fern's mind that the bright red neckerchief was a bad idea right up until that moment when the bull drilled her right into oncoming traffic.

Best of Van Helsing
I thought only bulls had horns — not stupid cows.

Best of curly
Looks like a California "Happy Cows" commercial was made in Berkeley.

If the sign instead said "no bullshitting", PETA would not be able to hold it.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Oh Joyce DeWitt, how you have fallen.

"Do I make you hoooorny, baby?... Yeah!"

"Nice teats."

"Excuse me, Mr. Bull, my horns are up here."

Best of Rodney Dill
EET MOR CHIKKEN

"Wanna pork?"

And in this blog v. blog match -- Daily Kows faces off against Michelle Milking.

Best of Submariner
Look; you dropped the bikini top back in "Fast Times at Ridgemont," Phoebe. How about dropping that sign for me now?

Actually, babe, I gave that all up. Now I'm a third level master of the bo staff. I might add that it's particularly difficult to reach this level when you only have hoofs to hold it with...

Best of bubbalove
Hey baby, I can see that your more 'horny' than I am!

Ashlee Simpson finally gets a gig more in line with her talent level.

Best of Mr. Right
Mad Cow meets Just Plain Nuts

"Hey, babe, you don't have anything against bullriding, do you?

"Pssst, Starchild... I think the hammer and sickle tattoo should've gone in the front!"


Hat Tip: Mr Right
Source: Roto-Reuters/Yahoo/Stephen Hird

She Ain't Heavy, Unless She's Hillary

1. "I can dress you up, but I can't take you anywhere."

2. Just another typical weekend at the Kennedy Compound.

3. "Here's your daughter back, Mr Submariner. Good as new."

4. Cleaning out the Mexican brothel after a Dick Cheney weekend. "There's another 63 in there, just like this one."

5. The Man Who Thought His Wife Was A Hat is caught without his umbrella.

6. "See, I TOLD you there was alcohol in mudslides, but would you listen? No-o-o-o-o-o-o."

7. "Sorry, kids. I just had to remind mommy about the chain of command."

8. "My name is Patrick Kennedy, I'm on my way to a vote, this dead whore is none of your beeswax, so frack off!!!."

9. The Worst Job in America as Determined by the Department of Labor: Courtney Love's Personal Assistant.

10. "Fatality! Flawless Victory!"

Best of Submariner
ORA: Outake - Following a few rounds of Zombies, Sissy mistakenly rides Buford instead of the mechanical bull...

I hate it when idiots throw out perfectly good prostitutes. Why this one ain't been dead more'n a day!

Gunga Dan muttered to himself; "Take MY anchor desk, will ya Katie? We'll see, we'll see."

Dude's name is "Calgon." Ya just knew it would happen eventually...

Best of Rodney Dill
"Dang, Smelly pirate hookers sure put up a fight when they're cornered."

Best of Son Of The Godfather

Cynthia McKinney punches the wrong cop.

"What hump?"

Santa doesn't seem as magical when he starts pushing dead hookers out of his sleigh.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up necrophilia."

Dead Chick Mondays took awhile to catch on.

Best of Rodney Dill
In the Michael Moore documentary on Ted Kennedy, Teddy saves Mary Jo.

While you could get more distance with dwarf tossing. Dworkin tossing was a lot more satisfying.

Best of curly
"What happened? She called me a misogynist, so I slugged the bitch!"

Best of bubbalove
Her political career in tatters, Hillary has eaten a bullet and is solemnly being taken down into the pit of Hades by the wraith of Vince Foster.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"What an amateur that Scott Peterson is!" guffawed Ted Kennedy as he watched the made-for-TV movie.


Source: Lileks

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Battling Siezure Robots

1. ORA: GWAR had broken up over "creative differences," but then they learned that 'Sex Farm Woman' had gone to Number 4 on the Japanese Pop Charts.

2. Both Hideki and his robot will have complete makeovers on Queer Eye for the Samurai.

3. After Simon Cowell derided their rendition of 'Puttin' on the Ritz' as 'bloody awful,' the robot swiftly and silently cut his head off.

4. It's cute when little kids try to dress themselves. I don't know what the frack happened here, though.

5. "Attention Scientologists! Lord Xenu has returned! Ooooooh! Sca-a-a-a-a-a-a-ry!"

Hat tip: B. Walker
Source: Photo: Junko Kitama

Friday, June 16, 2006

What The Man Wanted Me To Post on Giggity Thursday

1. "Is that a Vodafone soccer player under your dress or are you just happy to see me?"

2. China introduces the world's first pregnant man.

3. Wong and Wang, the world's most adept shoplifters, leave a Volkswagen dealership.

4. "I warned you not to babysit for Woody Allen."

5. Branjolina, meet Wangwong.

6. ♪"What a rovery way of saying how much you rove me."♪

7. "Tell Wal-Mart to keep their pants on. It takes time to breed child laborers."

8. "Keep your pants on, Boyfinger, they haven't even been born yet."

Best of The Man .
China prepares for Jack Bauer by breeding an army of giant three-armed babies.

For a brief moment, Andrew Sullivan thought he had met the man of his dreams...

Best of Silhouette .
No females? Life will find a way.

Best of Submariner .
Apparently, somebody Wang Chunged tonight!

Go ahead, Wang. Explain to your honorable female ancestor that you missed chow mein with her because you were birthin' your boyfriend's baby. She;ll understand...

Yes, dammit, the dress makes you look fat. Don't ask again.

It would appear that "The Self Guide to Scrotal-Inflation" may have been a bit mistranslated in the Korean edition...

Best of T. Harris .
Wang wasn't exactly thrilled at the thought of getting back in the saddle after the baby was born. He just KNEW it was going to look like it had been hit with a meat axe.

Best of prince of leaves .
...But like any other alien implantation, the fetus and any evidence of pregnancy suddenly disappeared early in her second trimester.

Best of What, me worry? .
"Will you still rove me when my man-tits sag and I have stretch marks across my anus?"

Wong: “Call the doctor, quick!”
Wang: “Is there a Vodaphone™ touch tone, blew-tooth®, hands-free, Voice over I Pee© Dictaphone nearby?”

Wong wears the latest in maternity man-burkas.

“Dear 72 Virgins Magazine, As a deceased gay houri gesha virgin and frequent reader, I never really thought that those letters you print were real. That is, until the other day when walking with my friend, an impregnated deceased gay houri gesha virgin, passed al-Zaqawi’s tent in Paradise…”


Best of Bubbalove .
Mr Wong! What will you and Ms. Wang name these huge twins?
'Uh...Sum Ting Wong and Mi Wang.'
And how will you afford to raise them?
'We'll start off selling sonogram copies by announcing "Come see if Sum Ting Wong's with Mi Wang!"

Ms. Fok Yu was eternally sorry for getting wasted on saki and sharing an intimate moment with that giant hairy man from the Himalayas.

Best of Son Of The Godfather .
Best.HotDog-Eating-Contest.Ever.

"Xan, don't you think all velification word on caption page sound rike good name for our baby?"

"F-cking rhino horns... F-cking tiger urine..."

"If you only do what Vodaphone player do, we no be in dis mess."

"Submaliner, prease to enrighten me... What you do with my daughter on plom night?"

"We go talk to Stupid Redneck Father about dat Bobby Hill."



Hat tip: The Dude
Source: AssPress Photo/EyePress

Brokeback Pitch

1. The Fighting Vodaphones were famous for their "come from behind" victories.

2. I always thought the reason Americans didn't like soccer was because it was so frackin' gay.

3. "Oh, yeah, take it, bitch. Take it real deep, bitch. I'm ready to shoot RIGHT NOW."

4. Obviously, neither one is a goalie, since only goalies are allowed to touch balls with their hands.

5. It started out in locker rooms, then rest areas, then public rest rooms, but eventually, their obssession with public sex required an entire stadium of onlookers to be satiated.

6. Is this what Andrew Sullivan means when he says "gob-smacking?"

7. ORA: "I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star."

8. Todd's binge drinking and Ronaldo's urophilia complemented each other nicely.

9. "Another snakebite? Oh, Senor, you are the unluckiest man I know."

10. "Hey, what do you say later, we go pound the crap into Pedro and Leon."

Best of Rodney Dill
"It's Ronaldo, you call me Maurice one more time and I'm biting it off."

"GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!"

"Oh Bugger." "Later, Darling"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
♪ "Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you!..." ♪

Who knew about Tommy Smothers' sordid past?

Liberals often try to push the homosexual agenda in subtle, unnoticeable ways.

What, were they out of Gatorade?

"Are you sure???... Well OK, but I've never heard of checking for steroid use that way..."

People would wonder no longer why Renaldo's nickname was Lord of the Flies.

Best of lawhawk
OT: It's deep and I don't think it's playable.

Best of Submariner
Q - Know how to tell the difference between Ronaldo and a housewife?
A - One holds his own head down...

"It's just a jump to the left,
and then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hips,
And bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thru-u-u-ust
That really drives you insa-ay-ay-ay-ay-ane..."


Inspired by SOTG
"You like? I learned it when the UN Peacekeepers came to my village."

Best of sonicfrog
Ah man, you're good Rolando,... but you're no Jerry Lewis...

Best of What, me worry?
“You’ll have to get closer to the Vodaphone’s mouthpiece…closer…”

“Look Ma! No hands!”

Al-Zaqawi, also known as Ranoldo in Paradise™, “gets busy” on one of his 72 virgins.

Sports commentator Andrew Sullivan, on Ronaldo’s technique: “A true professional, notice his ability to work it up the middle without touching the balls with his hands.”

Best of curly
Vodaphone demonstrates their new hands-free, blew tooth Dictaphone.

Ronal will…Ronal do…Ronal did

Best of prince of leaves
Dear World Soccer Magazine: I never believed those letters you print were real, but I recently had an experience at the World Cup that I just had to share...

Inspired by Submariner
Bill Clinton is so popular in Germany, they themed the half-time show around him.

Best of Bubbalove
"Mmmph..Mmmph..this is the..Mmmph.. biggest one yet..Mmmph..now if I..Mmmph..can just make myself go down..Mmmmph...all the way..Mmmph..I can change my number to nine!"

Hat Tip: Denver Pyle
Soure: Yar

Thursday, June 15, 2006

World Cups

1. "Food goes in here."

2. "Nice top," Submariner said. "Does it come with a hat?"

3. "Thank you, Thing."

4. I noticed Robin lurking in the background. Gawd, I must really be gay.

5. ORA: Jack and Janet were so turned on by Chrissie's new tattoo.

6. Or, should that be, tit-too.

7. And this ad made New Melon-Flavored AquaFresh the best-selling toothpaste of all-time.

8. I know she's there for the World Cup, but all I can think of is powerboat racing.

Best of sonicfrog
Is this a case of Tit-For-Tat, or Tat-For-Tit???

Best of jeff
"That tickled!"

Best of Rodney Dill
GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

Best of champaignken
Gisele would soon be arrested for smuggling counterfeit soccer balls into Germany.

Hillary Clinton today asked President Bush to name her ambassador to Brazil.

Best of Submariner
Plant it right here, Subby...

Andrew Sullivan casually glanced over and got highly aroused; that is until he realized it was her cleavage and not nekkid bi-cycle guy's cheeks...

Why can't I get "Green Piece" out of my mind?

Yes, Evita, I guess pubic hairs could be considerd "nature's dental floss..."

Best of racerboy
Your Ad Here.

Best of divine miss m

"I'm Bianca, your Brazillian exchange student," she purred, and today's safety word is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch." Which is why to this day, there's an alarm-clock shaped hole in Submariner's bedroom wall.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"This is where I'm currently storing SOTG's DNA."

In reference to V's #1 cap: "Hi, I'm James Food, nice to meet you."

I'm glad no one can see me right now, cuz I'm doin' the same thing Angelina's kid is doing in the last pic... to my monitor.

Source: MSN/Fox News Babes of the World Cup
Hat tip: Submariner

Lara Croft: Womb Raider

1. "Oh, yeah round eyes. They're real. They're spectacular. And I suckle off them three times a day."

2. Albert Einstein had two words to say about his reincarnation. "Hot" and "Damn."

3. "No, I'm not 'possessed.' You'd spin your head completely around too if you saw a breast the size of your head."

4. Baby's first mohawk.

5. "Strained peas served smeared over the breasts of Angelina Jolie. I am so glad my dad is the Sultan of Brunei."

6. "Hey now! Can you say, 'Open the pod bay doors, Hal!'"

7. "Whaddya mean I got to share 'em with Brad Pitt?"

8. Demi Moore is so-o-o-o-o-o-o jealous.

Yeah, I know it's a little light on the T&A, but you should see the sick picture The Man wanted me to post.

Best of Cybrludite
(ORA)I dunno about Hollyweird's casting picks combined with all the remakes they're doing. These are some damn weird choices for Iris Steensma and Travis Bickle...

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm here and you're not! NYAAHH!"

DRUDGEBREAKING: Apparently Angelina Jolie can hold her Licker.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Jolie's kid learns "Wasssssssssuuupppppp!" from his old man.

Best of David Simon
"Arghhh! Mom, next time let a damn barber do it."

"Uh honey, when I asked you to bring me something back from Namibia, I was hoping for native crafts."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I'd do her, but I wouldn't want to be known as "SOTGolina".

"Dat's a-spicey nipple!"

"So, Xanchi, I'll be your new babysitter... Can you tell me which drawer your mom keeps her undergarments in?... How 'bout letting me know where the hamper is?..."

Best of Silhouette
Brad began to suspect that maybe Angelina and Mr. T weren't "just" friends.

Best of The Man and Rodeny Dill Combined
Got MILF?

Best of sonicfrog
Sooooo, though both parents of the child wished to keep their identities a secret, thanks to his penchant for showing off his long tongue, squeezing the boobs of strange women, and spitting up blood, we now know the child's real father is... Gene Simmons!

Best of What, me worry?
With lips like those, I'm sure she could show Jerry Lewis a thing or two about hiding tubular objects your oral cavity.

Best of Submariner
She wanted us to "match." Wanna guess where she has a patch she shaves like this?

Raus: Stern

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

That's a Mouthful


1. "You had me at hello," Andrew Sullivan told his new friend.

2. "Should have warned you, guy. Senator Clinton is a little sensitive about her weight issue."

3. Now I remember where I've seen that look before. Lt. Zander Barcalow in Starship Troopers when the Brainbug was sucking out the contents of his cranium.

4. "Eh, mate, that ain't how you play a didgeridoo."

5. "On second thought, I'll take the frontal lobotomy."

6. "Bad news, guy. That wasn't Courtney Love's Oxycontin stash, you just bogarted eighty prescription laxative pills."

7. "Opening beer bottles with your tonsils. Oh, I am so-o-o-o-o-o impressed."

8. For once, I really don't want to know what this means in Australian.

Best of Dwight The Troubled Teen
Tommy Chong was a little disappointed by Jerry Lewis's prototype of the Flayvin Bong.

Best of divine miss m
"I'll take 'People I Didn't Think Could Suck the Chrome off a Trailer Hitch' for $800, Alex."

Best of Kevin Walker
Wow. Ron White must have really needed a scotch.

Best of Submariner
That's no way to kill roaches!

Smelly pirate hooker school; lesson 1, day 1...

Best of Rodney Dill
Australian for : Shaddap

“Ah’m Thorry Deah, Ah’ll puth the toileth Theath down nexth Thime.”

Best of prince of leaves
"You know, Jane, I think it's time we staged an intervention..."

Best of Bubbalove
Year: 2060, The elderly Eric Cartman grosses out the nursing home staff by repeatedly urping and swallowing the power supply module that the Visitors forgot to remove.

Best of Dusty
A fairly typical democrat reaction to any GOOD news coming out of Iraq.

Best of champaignken
Don't brown cylindrical things usually come out the other end?

Best of What, me worry?
“Jerry’s Kids” made an impression on Mr. Lewis – bad table manners being one of the most noticeable.

Best of curly
This should enamor the French to Jerry even more.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Why slippery bar stools are no good.

Oh, NOW I see what the French see... Brilliant!

During the discussion with Submariner, Rodney Dill, and SOTG, Jerry proposes "Hot Babe Thursday" be changed to "Not Babe Thursday".


Hat Tip: Sligo

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Hang Up

1. Slacker God gives life to Slacker Adam in this fresco by Slacker Michelangelo.

2. Howard Dean's kid has apparently robbed the liquor cabinet again, or is it Al Gore's kid tripping on windowpane, I can't tell. I'd say Kennedy, but not nearly fat enough.

3. Cirque de Soleil pays so poorly many performers are forced to take odd jobs, like installing garage door openers.

4. The Boyfriend desperately seeks out positions he and Andrew haven't tried yet.

5. "NO! There's a spot. And there's a spot! And there's another spot! And I'm not setting foot on this stage until you clean it properly!" Brent was a great lead singer, but his OCD drove the rest of the band nuts.

6. Axl Rose tried the same stunt, but the girder gave way and he plunged through the stage, crushing a family of migrants that were nesting there.

7. ORA: "Yep, it's sturdy enough, get the rope." Forever in Effigy prepares for their Tribute to Ian Curtis.

8. Brent's unusual performing style was rooted in the paranoid belief that other members of the band would try to pants him.

9. His fall, and the resulting brain damage ended his career in music when he could no longer communicate except in spasmodic, incoherent bursts of obscenity. He went on to become one of the top diarists at DailyKos.

10. Pedro and Leon will never see this coming.

Best of Rodney Dill
...and if you don't wear the tinfoil hats the voices will get you to do some really strange things.

The remaining Great White members check out ignition potential.

Best of David Simon
"Whoa dude, this reminds me more of my bris than of climbing the rope in gym class."

Best of Submariner
Everything was going according to plan until the groupie refused to let go of his finger.

Best of divine miss m
ORA: According to legend, when Kurt was 13 he was discovered in the family loo at the service of his older brother, and was promptly sent off for eighteen months of electric shock treatment. It was guaranteed the treatment would fry the fairy clean out of him, but all it did was make him go bonkers whenever he heard an electric guitar.

Best of The Man
Yearly Kos featured Patrick Kennedy's band...The Whinos.

I can see my naked father from here.

Best of AM42
'ow to speak Australian: pinata

Best of Silhouette
"Ow, stop pulling the cord. Ow, stop pulling the cord. Ow, stop pulling the cord."

No ma'am, we don't need a drug test. He's clearly high on roofies.

A young Bruce Wayne naps between sets.

Forever In Effigy, Hat Tip: Oz

And Don't It Make My Brown Eye Blue

1. "Let's see, got my helmet, got my socks, what am I forgetting?"

2. A burqa, a burqa, my kingdom for a burqa.

3. "Go ahead, Pelosi, reach in and pull out another campaign strategy."

4. It was inevitable that clear lycra biking pants would find a following.

5. "He introduced himself as 'Phil McCracken,' at least, I think he was introducing himself.

6. Barney Frank supports alternative transportation systems.

7. ORA: "June 13th, fell off near Dorset."

8. Well into his 80s, Lance Armstrong still kicked French butt.

9. "Ugly Naked Guy's" Friends spinnoff was somewhat more successful than Joey.

10. Nancy Pelosi's constituency, ladies and gentlemen.

Best of The Man
NBC tried posting muslims at NASCAR tracks to see if the fans would assault them. The next phase is to plant naked hippies on bikes outside an NRA convention.

My grandfather went to YearlyKos naked and all I got was this t-shirt and a tin-foil cap.

Yes honey, that is former President Clinton. Just don't make eye contact and keep walking.

Best of Rodney Dill
Man who bicycle upside down, have crack up.

Best of divine miss m
Where's my dignity? I must have left it around here somewhere...

Best of sonicfrog
Oh My GOD! I know that butt crack anywhere! Dad, what the HELL are you doing?!?

... I know I put that butt plug in here somewhere....

Best of What, me worry?
Phil sniffs the tires, trying to distinguish which bicycle was his. Positive ID would not be made until he sniffed the seat.

Notorious bike molester Phil McCracken brazenly cops a feel.

I’d lent bikes to Ben Dover before, butt he rectum.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Not content with just "Hot Babe Thursdays", V the K branches out into "Old Stinky Ass Tuesdays".

I would pay upwards of $100 to have a ping-pong paddle and a video camera handy.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
San Fran has some pretty strange folks
Who had obviously taken some tokes,
One doffed off his clothes
And dangled his hose,
And got circumsised by his own spokes.

Best of WALSTIB
Where's that darn scrotum inflater?

Best of Silhouette
The Emperor decided to ride around and show off his new clothes.

Best of champaignken
Yellow bike, red helmet, green hat and black shoes? This guy has no fashion sense!

Best of Submariner
I see in the background that Andy Sullivan left his pull toy out again...

Clothing optional.
Offends all sensibilities;
Pasty @$$ to kick. - Cap This! haiku:

Nekkid bi-cycle guy; "Andrew's looking for KY? What the heck for? I need Polygrip™ so I don't slip off on the up-stroke..."

WeDeliver™ management couldn't understand why they never seemed to get any repeat business from their bicycle deliveries.

Best of Cybrludite
I have never been so glad for comments that open in another window which can be dragged to different points on the screen...

Best of AM42
Ben laughed at the suggestion to simply put a rubber band around his pants leg to keep it from getting caught in the bike chain. After all, he didn't want people to make fun of him.

Best of Dusty
Dammit! The sheep drive to Brokeback Mountain is about to start and I caint find my dag-gone boots!

Harry Reid is pictured here reassuring loyal San Franciso democrats that his position will always remain consistent with their desires.

Source: Zombie's Parade of Horrible Naked Hippies.

Is It Chile In Here?

1. "Mr President Bush, the legends about Mr Cheney... are they... twoo?"

2. "Mr President Bush, the legends about Senator Clinton ... are they... twoo?"

3. After about a half an hour of "invisible cat's cradle," Bush began to think Michelle was out of her freakin' mind.

4. "... and what was floating in the bowl was at least this big. Never, I say, never use a bathroom after Ted Kennedy."

5. "Sit still while I build up enough chi to hurl a fireball at you, Bush-san."

6. "Big plushy sexual aids? Oh, Mr. President, you know me so well."

7. Michelle wasn't really into the act she was describing, but she thought hearing Dubya mispronounce 'autoerotic asphyxiation' would be a stitch.


Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Mr. President, for your work in dealing with illegal immigration in your country, we present you with this Invisible Hat Of Wisdom."

"Seriously, Mr. President, do you think Dawn will ever be back?"

Just one leg-crossing away from an international Basic Instinct scandal.

Best of Cybrludite
"If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! C'mon, Mr. President, sing along!"

Best of Rodney Dill
The measure of the man

SHRINKAGE!

Best of The Man
Bush: "Ok. Second word. Sounds like Squash?"

The last time I was around furry black dildo's, Clarence Thomas was also wearing a blue tie.

Best of andthenblammo!
"So I grabbed his little Commie head and said, 'Hugo's face, meet Michelle's knee!', and that ended the 'pinching accidents' for good. I'd appreciate it if you'd get that little message to Bill 'The Octopus' Clinton."

Best of Submariner
Length means little to me, but he's got to have girth, baby.

...so I wake up feeling like I've been taken by a cougar. But there are no cougars in Chile. Then I remember your Veep has been making a tour of South American states, and I wonder...

Seriously. When I queef if opens about this wide...

Best of Silhouette
"Blah, blah, stop the drug trade, blah, blah. I just hope she doesn't turn around and see the fireplace mantle."

Best of What, me worry?
“Go ahead Mr. President; try the patented Dual Buffer Shoe Polisher and see the shine it leaves on your oxfords.”

“Of course the American people are willing to try all peaceful means to solve our differences with Iran, but do you really think that President Ahmadinejad would go for rock/paper/scissors?”

Best of What, me worry?
“So those two dipshits Pedro and Leon were actually smuggling drugs and are now being held in one of your prisons in Chile?”


Best of curly
Chile today -- hot tamales.

Being asked to catch the invisible ball was something President Bush had not anticipated.

Best of bad-d-d-dude
"At the count of three, I will clap my hands and you will transfer all personal and governmental assets under your control to Michelle Bachelet, that B-a-c-h-e-l-e-t."

Photo: Roto-Reuters/Kevin Lamarque

Monday, June 12, 2006

Before there were iPods

1. Bunny with a pancake on your head, kiss my black ass.

2. It just keeps going, and going, and going....

3. "Been there, done that, kept the nipple clamps," Andrew Sullivan sniffed.

4. "Hey, Mylanta, turns out the battery was fine, it was just a loose cable. I hope you didn't have to walk too far in those heels."

5. Implementation of The Matrix was much harder in the Third World.

6. She parked her car in Detroit for five minutes and this was all that was left.

7. Trapped in 20th century Detroit, Tuvok finally rigged together a tricorder using parts from a '72 Pinto.

8. The really, really sad part of this picture? He's listening to the Spice Girls.

9. Grimly, Tyrone conceded that Al Franken just wasn't that funny.

10. Within a month, all the major hip-hop artists were wearing batteries on their heads.

Best of Kevin Walker
That's actually an improvement over the Kostard's headgear.

Best of sonicfrog
As you can see by the obvious mix-up, he's not one of the smartest fans of the band Radio Head.

The crueler, ghetto version of William Tell.

Best of andthenblammo!
"That's the last time I let Al Gore pimp MY ride!"

Best of Mr. Right
If you think that's bad, you should see where he keeps the antenna!

Best of Curly
Answer: 50 Cent
Question 1: What are you listening to?
Question 2: What did you pay for your radio?

Best of Submariner
LKT (Little Known Trivia): Samuel L. Jackson was discovered in Ugambamamba selling radio spots for Vibe™ Magazine hut to hut.

Who'd a thunk it? Dawn's husband is a Frankie Valley fan! ♪ Daaaawwwwwwwnnnnnnn, go away I'm no good for you...♪

In the early days, Avalon Manor could only be found through radio triangulation...

Fashion critic Mr. Black agreed the hat had some positive and some negative aspects.

Best of What, me worry?
Unable to find an audience in the US, Air America is forced to outsource it’s listenership to Nigeria.

Best of attmay
Raj from "What's Happening," after he went through all his money from the show.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Koffi Annan soon regrets not taking a more concilliatory stance towards the United States.

Magneto's lesser known half-brother, Leoneto.

Accessories for the Segway are still quite limited.

ORA: "Rechargin's easy... I just stand next to that Powder kid..."

ORA: "Rechargin's easy... I just stand next to whichever immortal gets beheaded..."

The Gods Must Be Crazy III: Who The F--- Keeps Throwing This S--- Out Of Airplanes?

"Hi, I'm Mozambique Eddie, and my prices are CRAAAAAZY!"

"Captain Sisko, we're having some difficulty locking onto your signal... Is there, by chance, a car battery on your head?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Shake your Djibouti

Jamal realized he'd been taken, and his wishing machine didn't really work, when after is first wish, he noticed SOTG still posting captions.


Best of dusty
Latest DNC idea for replacing those unhealthy cigarettes as incentives to urge their constituents to vote.

Best of lawhawk
It can now be revealed. Gitmo detainees had batteries strapped to their head and were forced to listen to I'm Too Sexy at 11.

Best of divine miss m
21st century third-world briefcase.

Hat Tip and Source: Adele at Discarded Lies

Kostard Headgear

Because nothing says "Reality-Based Community" like walking around in a helmet made of Reynolds wrap.

1. "Check it out! Ward Churchill is selling 'Authentic Native American Headdresses'."

2. "Pull my finger, Comrade."

3. Kostard Buffet or Scientology Seminar? The answer will surprise you.

4. "You see, basically, Bush is Hitler and his entire administration is run by Jews for the benefit of Israeli. It makes a lot more sense if you wear one of these."

5. "We've also foresworn toilet paper in support of our brothers the trees... hors d'oeuvre?"

6. "I hear Cindy Sheehan got lost and ended up at a Seminar for Mad Cow Disease, and no one even noticed."

7. "... and then I found out on Democratic Underground that Karl Rove was refining his mind-control beam to make the aluminum foil react with the selenium in dandruff shampoo and give you brain cancer. Shows how stupid those Rethugliklans are. None of us have even used shampoo since the 1960s."

8. "You know what I hate even worse than Bush? Banana-shaped men.... Oh, gawd, there's one standing right behind me isn't there?"

9. "If you stand enough of us in a row and connect the tinfoil with copper wire, you can pick up Streisand."

10. "Moonbeam and Starshine couldn't make it. Apparently, Pedro and Leon pounded the crap out of them."

Best of lawhawk
This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl...

Best of Rodney Dill
Look over there. Rodney Dill is selling the Spear and Magic Helmet.

Best of The Man
YEEAAAAAHH... damn I can pick up Howard Dean on this thing.

Unfortunately, the mood was more somber after the fateful Saran-Wrap mask competition.

Best of David Simon
An air of dejection envoloped the room when the realization hit that there was no aluminum foil left to make an improvised pot pipe.

Best of Submariner
The White House Press Corps, awaiting new direction from Mother Thomas...

Best of sonicfrog
Hey, check it out! Danny is getting broadcasts from Jupiter again.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
One Kossack took his shoes off to relax, walked across the shag carpetting, and electrocuted the entire Kos Kontingent.

The tinfoil wasn't for a mind-control conspiracy thing, it was simply the only way they could pick up Air America.

The tinfoil wasn't for a mind-control conspiracy thing, it was simply the only way they could pick up Al Gore's Current TV.

Carl and Will, sitting in the 2nd and 3rd seats, inadvertenly focus the microwaves inward and promptly vaporize leaving only their hats.

With your minimum donation of $12 per month, you can be part of the cure for Jiffy-Pop Head.

Best of Mr. Right
"Reynolds Wrap??? Are you insane??? Do you have any idea how much money their parent company Alcoa donates to the Rethuglicans every year??? My god, man! You might as well take that thing off, Karl Rove's already got you under his greasy lizardoid thumb without the damned mindray!"

"You are, of course, aware that Mother Earth was raped by an evil, right-wing, capitalist strip-mining operation to obtain the raw materials that later went into the environment poisoning, underpaid worker exploiting manufacturing process of that 'headgear' of yours, right? Tell me you are aware of these sorts of things!"

Best of Van Helsing
Good thing Nancy Pelosi couldn't make it. She thinks her tinfoil hat makes her invisible, so she might have shown up naked.

Best of What, me worry?
Tyrone, the only black in attendance, stormed out after being compared to a Hershey's Kiss once too often.

“Is that a roll of Reynolds Wrap in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

“My mom actually got me started wearing these. She used to make me put one on and go out and play whenever there were thunderstorms in the area.”

The two empty seats were reserved for their two absent comrades, Pedro and Leon.

From Hotair Via: Michelle Malkin

Drag Racing

1. When "Put Out or Get Out" goes horribly awry.

2. James Earl Jones takes a walk on the wild side.

3. "Damn you, Eddie Murphy! Damn you to Hell!"

4. Many longtime fans were unhappy with the new Wonder Woman movie.

5. If you've ever chased a schoolbus yelling "Stop that Twinkie!" you might have an eating disorder.

6. Closing in on John Connor, the T-1000 morphs into Cynthia McKinney.

7. "Dang, that Avalon Manor has to be around here somewhere."

8. As the FBI closes in, William Jefferson attempts to flee Incognito.

9. Last known photo of Prough 91.

10. "Darn these heels! I'll never make it to the middle school in time to pound the crap out of Pedro and Leon."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Submariner rates her a "9". heh.

ORA: Reno's Officer Dangle finds a new partner in crimefighting, Officer Delicious.

The morning briefing repeated the warning about speeders, red-light runners, and steroid-enhanced Partridge Family members named "Bonaduci".

What Roger Ebert does with his personal time is of no consequence to us.

Looking for Mr.Goodbar... and Krackle... and Hershey's Plain... and Snickers...

Best of Submariner
DRUDGEBREAKING
Barry Bonds frequently uses his "spring-training outfit" to avoid discussing steroid use charges, and for shopping trips to the mall.
Developing

Making fun of boy cops who want to be girl cops who want to be porno stars overcoming their elephatiasis. Nice. Read his/her story. Edumacate yourselves, morons.

Actually sugar, this is was white skirt but I just finished beating the crap out of Leon and Pedro...

Best of Rodney Dill
Marion Barry -- Crack Investigator

Best of Anonymous
Learning he'd been dimed, Al-Zarqawi tried to slip away, but didn't get far in his high heels.

Best of lawhawk
Al, Al Roker, is that you? Damn, you have really let yourself go after Katie left NBC!

Best of David Simon
Here's how the sting operation works: As a driver approaches the red light, Officer Washington lifts up his skirt and yells, "Whoopee! Surprise!" The startled driver runs the red light, and voila; another $100 fattens the city coffers.

After successfully completing her anger management classes, Naomi Campbell is no longer a raving bitch. Unfortunately for her, everyone has to have one vice.

Best of sonicfrog
Here's the real reason Barry Bonds has not been hitting many home runs this year. It's not his advanced age or lack of steriods. These days, he's spending more and more time as "Barrina", working on his butt-swishing, instead of his bat-swinging.

Best of Mr. Right
Ebonia was thrilled to have scored a "9" on the new "Hot or Not" website for trannies.

"Hey, Kobe! I'm so open, it hurts!"

Best of prince of leaves
Officer Tucker decided right away that his new beat was a real drag.

Where the streets have no shame.

Best of curly
Queer Eye for thw SWAT Team

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Congresswoman Corrine Brown (D-FL) demonstrates that Congress needs another pay raise, lest she resort to hooking in order to make ends meet.

Story: Police Officer Dresses In Drag To Catch Red Light Runners

Tip: FranciscoIBC - Discarded Lies